Stephen Joseph

BUFFER The following contest is a 6 person tag team match set for one fall. Making their way to the ring, to be introduced by their manager. Heart-Shaped Box hits to a chorus of boos as The Saints and Jim Cornette appear on the staged transformed into a multi-color dance floor. Underneath his Angel Wings outfit, Logan "Usher" Mann is dressed extravagantly in airbrushed tights that features paintings of music legends like James Brown, Elton John and Kurt Cobain. Synth, outfitted in Angel Wings and a Catholic Schoolgirl skirt, stops to bust a move on the dance floor on the top of the stage. James E. Cornette leads the 2000 New Zealand Music Awards Best New Artists to the ring, looking like he's ready to step onto a football field, not a wrestling ring with all the padding he has on; a mouth-piece, black wristbands and elbow pads. Cornette is also wearing the tightest red spandex longsleeve shirt, with black tights. He grabs the microphone from ring announcer Michael Buffer. Synth and Logan stand imposingly behind their Director of Wrestling Operations. CORNETTE Ladies and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of introducing the greatest rock 'n' wrestling tag team of all time. All the way from Sin City courtesy of Arista Records in association with Jim Cornette Enterprises... With a smile on his face, Jim Cornette sticks the mic over his shoulder. SYNTH Always late, never on time, but always looking F-I-N-E. Fine. CORNETTE ...SYNTH ESIZER AND LOGAN "USHER" MANN....THE SAIIIIIINTTTS! Cornette returns the microphone to Michael Buffer but "accidently" drops it. He hops up on the second turnbuckle. BUFFER And their manager, Mr. Jim Cornette! The Saints raise their arms up and drop to one knee for their manager, who proudly waves his heart-shaped tennis racket in the air. COLE Jim Cornette is so obsessed with defeating his old team, I think he may be working The Saints too hard. COACH Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Of course James E. is obsessed with defeating his old team, that's every athletic's goal -- defeat your old team to show them you're better. Shaq did it to Kobe. Montana did it to the 49ers. And tonight Jimmy Cornette is gonna do it to the NNMX. CABOOSE For every stupid thing The Coach says or does, he gives you a good point. The Saints have a rep for losing focus before big matches, remember when they contracted crabs after sleeping with some groupies days before their first OAOAST PPV? They got crushed. Cornette, the genius that he is, has kept Synth and Logan focused on tonight's match. That's why I'm picking them to win. The opening notes of Chase drowns out Heart-Shaped Box, sending the crowd into a frenzy. The combination of fantastic double-team maneuvers, a catchy theme song, and most importantly, no longer under the management of James E. Cornette, has made Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned one of the most popular tag teams in the OAOAST. BUFFER And their opponents. Weighing 465 pounds, "Sarcastic" Simon and "Narcissistic" Ned, THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS! Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned wait for their tag team partner onstage. The crowd POPS as Faith No More's Another Bloody Murder kicks up. The OAOAST Women's Champion appears onstage with the championship draped over her shoulder. Narcissistic Ned goes for a hug but Holly brushes him away and leads the pack to the ring. Narcissistic Ned walking besides her like they're together. COACH (singing) Is this love that I'm feeling? COLE I don't see how because Holly isn't doing jack. CABOOSE Of course she isn't. She's doing Ned. COLE You know what I mean. All the participants stand in their respective corners. Holly removes her leather jacket, revealing a white tank top underneath a yellow mesh shirt, and places it on the apron for the ring attendent to come get. The Saints and New New Midnight Express do the same: placing their Wings and silvery robes respectively on the apron. Holly breaks away from her corner and chases Jim Cornette around the ring. The New New Midnight Express and referee Nick Patrick having to restrain Holly, Narcissistic Ned perhaps trying to comp a feel in the process. Cornette hides behind The Saints acting all brave with his tennis racket. COLE Come on, Cornette. You talked a big game, now go in there and show the world what you got. CABOOSE Jim Cornette is one of the greatest minds professional wrestling has ever seen. He'll get inside the ring when the time is right. COACH Translation: When somebody is down. CABOOSE Let the muscle do the fighting, and the brain do the thinking. Logan Mann, Jim Cornette, Narcissistic Ned and Holly-Wood all exit, leaving Sarcastic Simon Singleton and Synth Esizer alone in the ring. They will start. Both men huddle with their teammates one last time in their corners. * DING DING DING * COLE The bell rings and we're officially underway. Synth getting some last minute advice from Jim Cornette and Logan "Usher" Mann before walking up to Sarcastic Simon and telling to tag out because he "wants that mother right there," referring to Narcissistic Ned Blanchard, the man who injuried Synth's arm two weeks ago on HeldDOWN~! with Jim Cornette's loaded... CABOOSE Alledgelly. COLE (CONT'D) ... tennis racket. We understand he has a fractured bone in the arm, but it's something he can wrestle in, albeit in pain, as long as he wears a brace. And he is. COACH You know, I heard a rumor that there's a horseshoe in the racket. Seriously. I heard its kept in place by chains inside the casing. Hey, whatever. You don't have to take my word for it. CABOOSE Hi, I'm Caboose from the OAOAST. And I'm here to tell you about a new book I just read called "Shut the Hell Up, Coachman!" I don't think the racket's loaded at all. COLE (sarcastically) Yeah. And I'm really gay. CABOOSE Old news. COACH OWNED! Sarcastic Simon asks the fans if he should tag Ned. They overwhelming vote yes. Tag Made. Narcissistic Ned slingshots over the top rope and lands in the ring on his feet. He does a couple of quick leg stretches. Not to be overshadowed, Synth struts to a netural corner and moonwalks back to Saints Central (what The Saints refer their corner as), looking at the crowd for some support. All he gets is a loud "SYNTH SUCKS" chant. Synth scoffs and says to himself: "They love me." Now looking to the crowd: "Oh, yeah. You love me." Amazingly, the crowd manages to intensifiy the "SYNTH SUCKS" chants. Jim Cornette covers Synth's ears with his hands. The opening few minutes of the match has turned into a game of showmanship, as Narcissistic Ned stutter struts (struts a few steps and stops before struting another couple of steps) near his corner, drawing a big pop from the crowd. The Synthmeister slaps and kicks the ropes in frustration. He lunges at Narcissistic Ned who moves out of the way and sends Synth shoulderfirst into the RINGPOST, where he becomes lodged between the top and middle turnbuckles. Narcissistic Ned pulls up Synth's skirt and takes a few steps back, measuring his ass and kicking it with the toe of the boot. Logan Mann and Jim Cornette go ballistic because referee Nick Patrick didn't warn Blanchard about kicking with the toe, not the flat of the boot. As Patrick walks over to Saints Central, Sarcastic Simon and Holly-Wood join Narcissistic Ned in the ring and take turns kicking Synth in the BUTT. The Synthmeister whines and flaps his arms as he's kicked from behind. Logan tires to help his partner in the ring, but the threesome of the New New Midnight Express and Holly-Wood quickly overwhelm him. Logan's Irish whipped to the ropes. DOUBLE FLAPJACK by the NNMX. They fire the Women's champ to the ropes and HIPTOSS her onto Mann! Logan rolls out of the ring, while Holly gets up and signals for Jim Cornette to come get him some. Cornette steps halfway through the ropes and sees Holly popping her knuckles like a teenager pops a zit. He backs out and climbs down the ring steps to the floor, exchanging a few words with ringside hecklers. The crowd pops as Narcissistic Ned tags HOLLY-WOOD...by KISSING her on the LIPS! COLE Well, that was a unique tag. CABOOSE I'd say. I doubt you'll see that become a regular way to tag your partner in. COACH I thought I saw a little tongue action. If there's one thing to love the French for, it the French kiss. CABOOSE Wee wee. Holly is noticeably pissed. She gives a smiling Narcissistic Ned a cold hard stare as she enters the ring. Unfortunately for Synth, he's the one who takes the wrath of Holly's rage. The Women's champ frees Synth from the top and middle turnbuckles just so she can ram him back into the ringpost repeatedly! She pulls him out and backs him against the corner, where she delivers a punishing combination of forearms, kicks and knife edge chops. You can tell she's really putting some force behind these blows. And she should be, as Holly finally is able to get some payback on the man who outside of Jim Cornette has treated her poorly. A rattled Synthmeister is sent to the opposite corner across the ring. Holly hits the near-side ropes and nails Synth with a FLYING FOREARM. The hated Synth becomes the envy of every male -- and some females -- as Holly presses her body on his chest and hooks the leg. 1... 2... KICKOUT! Holly brings Synth back to a vertical base and BODYSLAMS him! A large "HOLLY" chants engulfs the sold out Target Center. Holly rushes Saints Central and DECKS Jim Cornette with a forearm smash, the arena going up in a mass cheer. CABOOSE What's wrong with her? Cornette did nothing wrong. All he's guilty of is standing on the apron, minding his own business. COLE And what about all the grief he gave Holly? He ran her out so he could gain control of all The Saints financials. CABOOSE Corny is unfairly targeted by the media. He turns losers into winners. Look at what he did for Simon and Ned. They were nothing until they signed with J.C.E. They won the OAOAST Tag Team championship within months of their arrival. Ever since they left they haven't done a damn thing. COLE And what has James E. done for The Saints? CABOOSE He turned him into winners. That's what. They were directionless under Holly. Once they autographed papers from J.C.E. they've been on a roll. People view them as a threat now. Synth charges Holly-Wood from behind with his hands locked together, but she moves out of the way and lets him run sternum-first into his corner. Synth ricochets off the turnbuckles and right into a beautiful (in more ways than one) armdrag takedown into an armbar. Synth shrieks as the armbar is applied on the arm that is protected by a brace. Holly tries to keep herself from smiling, as she's obviously taking great delight in punishing Synth. Holly grinds the knee against Synth's forearm as she wrenches back on the arm. She takes Synth to her corner and tags Narcissistic Ned back in by SLAPPING him across the face! COLE Obviously that's for him kissing her without consent. Although I don't think she would of consented anyway. COACH It's nothing, really. Just a good old fashion game of hard-to-get. It happened to The Coach once. CABOOSE Did you get the girl? COACH No, but I got her brother's fist in my face. Apparently I her advances wrong. She justed wanted to be "friends." Well, let me tell ya, when you look as good as The Coach, you don't need friends because there's plently of women out there lookin' for a good time. COLE It should be noted that Logan Mann had been the most vocal support of Holly's in J.C.E. But Jim Cornette and Synth Esizer, Logan's tag team partner and band member, constantly overruled him in team matters. I truly believe if he had his way, Holly would be with The Saints, not Jim Cornette. CABOOSE There you go starting trouble again. Unlike Narcissistic Ned, who generally loves Holly, Logan is kissing her ass because he wants to get inside her pants. You know how those rockstars are -- all about the nookie. Blanchard smirks as he comes in and backs against the ropes, using his hands to pull himself up on the second turnbuckle. He comes down on the right hand Holly has extended with a double axe-handle. Narcissistic Ned with the arm ringer. Synth flips over and kips up, legscissoring the lower body of Blanchard and rolling him on his back. Nick Patrick dives over both men to make the count. 1... 2... KICKOUT! TWOOOOO! The Synthmeiser with a snapmare takedown into a reverse chinlock, the knee being drilled against the spine of the back while the neck is wrenched. Narcissistic Ned tries powering up but Synth rams the knee into the back, sending Blanchard back down. Synth drops the elbow on the bridge of the nose twice in a row, then across the forehead, all while screaming "you've been a bad, bad boy." Jim Cornette and Logan are celebrating the dominace being displayed in the ring, on the apron. COLE Synth showing some wrestling skills in the outset of this match. CABOOSE You sound surprised by that. Why do you think they're called wrestlers? COLE Not every wrestler can wrestle. Take Dan Black for example. He can wrestle. Then take somebody like The Sadist who is more of a brawler. Narcissistic Ned back to a vertical base. Blanchard frees himself with a couple of elbows to the ribcage. Synth immediately puts a stop to any momentum Narcissistic Ned has gathered by raking the eyes. Synth rocks Blanchard against the ropes with left-handed knife edge chops. He grabs Blanchard's arm and whips him to the ropes. Narcissistic Ned leapfrogs over a doubled over Synth and catches him back off the ropes with a SPINNING HEEL KICK. Narcissistic Ned takes a quick breather lying on the mat and then crawls on his knees to his corner. Jim Cornette waddles in and shoves Sarcastic Simon and gingerly SLAPS Holly. Nick Patrick and Sarcastic Simon must restrain the OAOAST Women's champion. Sounding like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz, Cornette hides behind the referee, waving his fists, asking Sarcastic Simon and Holly to "put 'em up." COLE Can you believe this guy? The great thing about Cornette is discounting a majority of what he tells you because 90% of the time he's blowing hot air. CABOOSE But that means he's right 10% of the time. That's still pretty good. Miss Celo was only right 1% of the time. With the referee occupied, The Saints double-team Narcissistic Ned in the ring. DOUBLE SUPLEX. By the time Nick Patrick gets Sarcastic Simon and Holly-Wood out of the ring, it's too late. Not only is the damage done, but Logan Mann is standing on the apron with Jim Cornette. Both men acting calm. The lead vocalist of The Saints, Logan "Usher" Mann is tagged in. He somersaults into the ring. COACH I guess he thinks he'll get bonus points for entrance, although in all fairness, The Saints had a helluva entrance with the multi-color dance floor. It took me back to the days of Saturday Night Fever. Where the King was still dead and the drugs were running rampant. COLE That was the '80s. Although the King was still dead. Ironically, as the guys talk about the King, a guy dressed like Elvis walks past the fans in the front row with nachos in one hand, beer in the other. Logan hoists Blanchard onto the top turnbuckle and climbs up to the second rope. Mann leaps onto Blanchard's shoulders and brings him back down with a HURRICARANA! On his knees, Mann showboats to the crowd and his corner. Synth and Cornette yell for him to cover Ned. Logan crawls on his knees and covers Blanchard. CABOOSE See? That right there is what separates The Saints from the New New Midnight Express. The Saints listen to the advice of their manager. COACH Director of Wrestling Operations. CABOOSE Did I give you permission to speak? COACH Sir, no, sir! CABOOSE Then shut up. 1... 2... Sarcastic Simon pulls him off. Singleton grabs Mann by the hair and decks him with a big right hand. Jim Cornette screams for Nick Patrick to do something while he, himself, comes in and lands a couple of blows on Narcissistic Ned. Logan scoopes Blanchard up and slams him near a netural corner. Mann climbs up the turnbuckles, his back facing Narcissistic Ned. "It's over," he shouts as MOONSAULTS into the heavens and comes crashing back down to earth on nothing but CANVAS! Narcissistic Ned rolls out of the way. In a fetal position, Logan kicks his feet on the mat, clutching his stomach in pain. Narcissistic Ned gets on one knee and uses the ropes to drag himself back to his corner. Synth enters the ring and grabs Blanchard's leg. Ned rises to his feet and kicks Synth in the back of the head, flipping him into the air. COLE Can Narcissistic Ned make the tag? After taking a beating for the last few minutes, he's finally got a chance to make the tag after Logan missed a moonsault and hitting Synth with an enzugri. Narcissistic Ned somersaults to his corner and tags in HOLLY-WOOD, as Logan tags in JIM CORNETTE. The crowd rise to their feet because this is the showdown they've been waiting for. Holly licks her hands and rubs them together, a sinister yet sexy grin on her face. Meanwhile, on the apron, Jim Cornette looks like he's seen a ghost. His face becoming pale in front of our very eyes. He doesn't want to step into the ring. Nick Patrick tells Cornette to come in or he'll start counting him out. Synth and Logan huddle with James E. on the apron, massaging his shoulders and giving him words of encouragment. Logan has a huge smile on his face. Whether it's because he belives in Jim Cornette or because he knows Holly is going to kick his ass is unclear. Cornette enters the ring and immediately is psych out by Holly who teased she was going to charge him as he entered the ring, causing Corny to hide between the ropes. The crowd starts a "JAMIE" chant, drawing a chuckle from Michael Cole. Cornette waddles around the ring, covering his ears. CABOOSE That isn't funny. Jim Cornette slaps his biceps and pulls up his pants as he walks up to the OAOAST Women's champion. "I came here to fight, you two-timing, no-good-for-nothing, gold-digging tramp," he says. Holly is all like, "bring it, bitch." Collar-and-elbow tie-up. Neither person giving an inch. Each backing one another against the ropes. They jockey back to the center of the ring where they break. "I see that isn't going to work, honey," Cornette tells Holly, "so let's try a little TEST OF STRENGH!" Holly agress. COACH A test of strengh? I haven't seen one of these in years. CABOOSE We're being broadcasted around the world, Coach. I'm sure some guy on the Internet will find that we've probably called a match were one was used. We further kick it old school as Jim Cornette and Holly-Wood GRECO ROMAN KNUCKLELOCK. The crowd boos in unison as Cornette KNEES Holly in her...womanhood to gain the upper hand. As Holly drops to her knees, Cornette looks over to his corner with a huge smile on his face. The Saints giving him a thumbs up sign. Corny looks over to the New New Midnight Express corner and taunts them with a kissy face. Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned give a THUMBS DOWN. Cornette tilts his head sideways, befuddled. He looks down. Repeated HEADBUTTS TO THE GROIN! Cornette breaks the knucklelock and wobbles around the ring holding his sack like a pregnant women who just got hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. RUNNING CLOTHESLINE by Holly. Cornette goes back down with another. The Women's champ front facelock and lifts Corny up. STANDING VERTICAL SUPLEX. Holly floats over the top and hooks Cornette's legs, rolling him on his stomach, grinding the knee across the back of the neck for that elevated Boston Crab that she calls the HOLLYWOOD GROOVE (Liontamer). COACH How much can Cornette take? Not only is his back in pain, but so is his neck and legs, with the way Holly has them bent. Cornette's knee problems are no secret in the wrestling world. Cornette screams like a girl. Holly has the hold tightly locked on. Nick Patrick asks Jim Cornette if he wants to quit. He's just about to tap out when he sees Synth coming up from behind. Many of the ringside jump up and down trying to grab the attention of Holly to warn her about impending doom. Synth with BIG BOOT to the back of the head. Narcissistic Ned comes in and tackles Synth out of the ring. Sarcastic Simon meets Logan in the ring. The two exchange blows, with Mann coming out on top. The southpaw rocks Sarcastic Simon with left hands. Singleton fights back with big right hands straight from Charleston, South Carolina. Singleton misses with a roundhouse right. Logan lifts Sarcastic Simon up and drops him on his knee for an ATOMIC DROP. The impact sends Singleton falling into the ropes and bounces him right back off and straight into a wicked LEFT HOOK causing Sarcastic Simon to 360. Mann kicks Singleton out of the ring. COLE All hell has broken loose out here. Cornette and Holly are down in the ring. Holly may have a concussion from that brutal kick to the back of the head. I don't even remember who's the legal man, or people. Logan stands over Holly, showing some concern. Jim Cornette, on his BUTT slumping against the ropes, tells Logan to DDT, a/k/a PERCUSSION, Holly. Logan reluctantly agrees. He's picking up dead weight at this point, but Cornette wants to humiliate Holly before pinning her. Holly placed in the front facelock position. Mann double checks with Cornette to see if he's sure he wants to go through with this. Cornette is becoming angry with Mann disobeying his orders, telling him the last person (Holly) to do so got fired. Logan, the New Yorker in him, fires back at Cornette. James E. cannot believe Mann is talking back to him. RODEO DRIVER (Twisting fisherman's suplex)! The crowd EXPLODES! COLE She was playing possum! She was playing possum! You go, girlfriend! Holly lets go of the bridging suplex because Logan isn't the legal man -- no pun intended. She kicks Logan out of the ring just like he kicked Sarcastic Simon out minutes ago. Everybody is caught by surprise, including Jim Cornette. Holly SPEARS Jim Cornette! She jumps on top of him and slams his head into the mat, biting his forehead. On the outside, Synth throws Narcissistic Ned into the security railing. He slides into the ring and kicks Holly in the side of the head. Cornette tells him to go for PERCUSSION (DDT). Unlike Logan, Synth doesn't think twice about it, front facelocking Holly and taunting the crowd by twirling his index finger in the air. BOOM! Narcissistic Ned SUPERKICKS Synth out of his boots, literally. He goes to place Holly on top of Synth but sees Cornette crawling to the corner to grab the TENNIS RACKET. Narcissistic Ned confronts Jim Cornette. Cornette hides the racket behind his back and signals he'd cross his heart, hope to die, stick a neddle in his eye before using the racket on him. Corny takes a few steps back and bumps into Sarcastic Simon, who RIPS the racket out of Cornette's hand. COLE How does it feel to be powerless, James E.? Jim Cornette is now surrounded by the New New Midnight Express AND Holly-Wood. Cornette drops to his knees and begs for forgiveness, offering Holly back her own job. She tells him to stuff it. Sarcastic Simon tosses the racket to Narcissistic Ned and holds Cornette up. Cornette pleds one final time for mercy. But the team of the NNMX and Holly-Wood aren't having none of that. Nick Patrick tells Blanchard he'll have to DQ them if he uses the racket. That doesn't stop Narcissistic Ned, who taps the racket a couple of times on the canvas and cocks it back and then BLA... No, Holly asks if SHE can nail Cornette with the racket. Narcissistic Ned isn't too sure, so he asks the fans for their help. The sold out crowd cheer and whistle. Narcissistic Ned decides that's go enough for him and says "Here you go, honey bunny." BOOM! JOEY STYLES OH MY GOD! * DING DING DING DING * A stunned silence fills the arena. Narcissistic Ned just POPPED HOLLY'S SKULL with the TENNIS RACKET. Jim Cornette, Sarcastic Simon and Narcissistic Ned embrace, laughing hysterically. COLE DAMN YOU! WHY?! CABOOSE Yes! I knew it. LOGAN MANN jumps back into the ring and TACKLES Blanchard to the ground, hammering him with left hands. Jim Cornette drills Mann from behind, as usual, with the racket. The reunited New New Midnight Express and James E. Cornette proceed to brutalize Logan. The down feeling currently sweeping the arena is replaced by an ERUPTION of CHEERS as SYNTH ESIZER re-enters the squared circle. But Jim Cornette blasts him in the back with the racket as he slides into the ring. Sarcastic Simon stomps on Synth and whips him to the ropes, where Narcissistic Ned and Sarcastic Simon DOUBLE FLAPJACK Synth to the canvas. Narcissistic Ned hits Synth with the SLINGSHOT SUPLEX as Sarcastic Simon climbs to the top rope. Simon asks Ned to roll Synth on his stomach. With Cornette holding onto the legs of Synth, Ned holds out Synth's right arm. Sarcastic Simon comes off the top with a FLYING KNEEDROP to the fractured arm. Synth rolls around in pain. But they're not done yet. Ned and Corny continue to hold Synth so Simon can brutalize the right arm with the tennis racket. A sickening thud echos throughout the Target Center with every blow. EMTs and OAOAST officials rush out from the back. Various agents escort a very proud Jim Cornette and the New New Midnight Express to the back. COLE This is disgusting. ANGLEMANIA IV Sunday, March 27 We return to a shot of two lockers: one hangs a trenchcoat, the other a dazzling robe covered in diamonds and rhinestones, the diamond-embroidered "Tony Brannigan" Hollywood Walk of Fame star logo sparkling. BLACK T, the former OAOAST World and HI-YAH International tag team champions, are seated on steel folding chairs. Shirtless and dressed in their ring attire, both men are lacing up their boots. BLACK Tonight 4 men in the prime of their careers will step foot inside that ring for the opportunity to wrestle for the biggest prize in our field, the World tag team championship, at the biggest event of the year, AngleMania. Our opponents tonight are two men we know quite well -- the Global Party XChange, the most popular tag team in OAOAST history. They won their conference, we won ours. Now we're set to meet in the Anderson Cup Finals. The prize: OAOAST tag team title match at AngleMania. The price: Our bodies. You see, these aren't your ordinary championship belts. Tony and I have spent the last 9 months breathing the tag team titles. They are our oxygen. They are everything we live for. They're the reason why we put our bodies through hell night in and night out, because being the tag team champions means you are the best your field has to offer. It's the very reason Drek Stone is the man when it comes to singles competition, because he holds the OAOAST World heavyweight championship. I've said it before: You take our titles, we'll take your lives. We've already taken down two teams, all that stands in our way to regaining what is rightfully ours is the Global Party XChange. Krista Isadora Duncan and Alix Spezia, you took something that belongs to us. Once we're through with GPX, we're coming back for our gold. TONY Scotty Static and Johnny "Jam" Jackson are like a couple of ex-girlfriends you keep running into. No matter how hard you try to avoid one another, you can't help not to. When it comes to the GPX, like any relationship, we've had our ups and our downs. Our ups: We've defeated you two-times, both times ending your goal of capturing the tag team championship. HELDDOWN~! April 29, 2004 Courtesy: OAOAST Home Entertainment T-Bod and Dan pick Johnny up, his face covered in blood. Combined Rock Bottom-Out of Body Experience (Spinebuster). The Black Body Bag. CABOOSE 3B! 3B! Dan covers. ONE. TWO. THREE. * DING DING DING * BUFFER The winners of the match….and NEW OAOAST Tag Team Champions- Dan Black and T.Bod, BLACK T! Dan and TB snatch a tag belt each, holding them up in celebration, before hugging. Jivin’ JR skips back into the ring, nodding seriously at the new champs. Dan turns to JR, a new look of respect on his face, and shakes his hand. T.Bod, grinning, does the same. SCHOOL'S OUT: CLASS DISMISSED May 23, 2004 Courtesy: OAOAST Home Entertainment Johnny "Jam" Jackson hits T-Bod with a FLYING CLOTHESLINE, nearly taking his head off in the process. JJ looks at the crowd, asking "One more?" The crowd is behind him every step of the way... Tony "The Body" catches Johnny's arm mid-air and applies the HEART OF ICE (Crippler Crossface). COACH Tony is using one of Dan's finishers. CABOOSE Dan must've taught him that. That's what teamwork is all about Coach! Everybody knows about the extensive training sessions Dan & Tony go through. COACH Scotty & Dan are the legal men. Scotty jumps from the apron to the top rope, facing the crowd, then motions to the heavens before twisting midair to face the ring... The crowd holds their collective breaths... The Heart of Ice is stilled applied on Johnny. (Tony) doesn't know Scotty is getting ready to go on an air-raid. T-Bod tugs JJ's head back trying to add more pressure to the hold, but doing so allows Scotty a clear shot at executing...STATIC SHOCK~! COACH Whoa, baby! CABOOSE Coach!? COACH What? CABOOSE Coach!? COACH What!? CABOOSE Look at Dan. Dan reenters the ring, spins Scotty around...kick to the midsection, BLACKOUT (Stone Cold Stunner). 1... 2... 3! * DING DING DING * BUFFER The winners of the match, and still OAOAST tag team champions of the world, Dan Black, T-Bod...Black T! TONY And our downs... HELDDOWN~! August 5, 2004 Courtesy: OAOAST Home Entertainment T-Bod with the RUDE AWAKENING on Scotty... BILL WATTS Wh-What's Johnny doin'? He's setting up the ladder...outside, Jim. J.R. What in the world is he doing. Oh God! WATTS He's climbing the ladder. He's gonna jump off the ladder into the ring. T-Bod sees what Johnny's doing, and throws a chair at him! My God, the brutality of it. J.R. Strike 3. You're out! Johnny's slumped over the top rung. T-Bod's going to meet him. Good Lord, no! He's gonna suplex him from the ladder to the floor. WATTS Oh, no, he can't. He wouldn't. J.R. Hell, yes, he would. Johnny's fighting it off. He has his leg wrapped around a rung. T-Bod's trying to power Jacko up. Thumb -- Johnny 'Jam' Jackson thumbed T-Bod. The crowd's counting along as JJ slams T-Bod's head on ladder. No. No! SUPERPLEX FROM THE LADDER TO THE RING~! The ring COLLASPES! "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" The maneuver was so devestating the impact caused Johnny to float on top of T-Bod. Quick shot of (the New New Midnight Express, Hell's Hitmen and The Saints) watching in awe backstage. J.R. Everybody's down. Johnny superplexed T-Bod from the ladder all the way into the ring, landing on that fallen rope/turnbuckle pad, and lemme tell you, folks -- yeah, it's padded, but falling from that distance onto something that isn't flat hurts. 1... 2... 3! J.R. Noooooooo! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, history has been made. You winners, and new World tag team champions, Scotty Static & Johnny "Jam" Jackson -- the Global Party XChange! BALLOONS & CONFETTI fall from the ceiling, FIREWORKS go off everywhere... a little of everything is happening inside the arena. The camera pans around catching the reaction of the fans: laughter, tears, sighs of relief. TONY Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Black, but 2 is greater than 1, is it not? BLACK I do believe you're correct, Mr. T. TONY Two! That's the number of times Black T have defeated you, Scotty Static and Johnny "Jam" Jackson. Two-times! Later on tonight, while you're crying on the training bras of your girlfriends, me and Dan will be out partying until the wee hours of the morning with the finest women Minnesota has to offer. Because tonight there will be pain. BLACK Lots of pain. TONY There will be suffering. BLACK Plenty of suffering. TONY And it'll all be worth it when we walk out of the Target Center with a first-class ticket to AngleMania IV and a shot at the World Tag Team Championship. GPX, tonight you will bow down to the greatest tag team in OAOAST history one more time! Black T flash the 3-B hand gesture. CUT TO: Mean Gene Okerlund is backstage in the action zone with The Global Party Exchange! The fans roar at the sight of one of their favorite units. Johnny’s decked out in Sean John jeans, while Scotty sports the latest Vokal track suit. OKERLUND Johnny Jackson, Scotty Static, in just moments you will face your longtime rivals Black T in the finals of the Anderson Cup to see who will advance to Anglemania to face Chicks Over Dicks for the tag team titles. You and Black T seem to be eternally linked. Held so close together... Johnny puts his hand, fingers covered in gaudy gold rings, up to stop Gene. JOHNNY Cousin, we surpassed Black T long ago. We left them playa fakers choking in a cloud of our million dollar dust. I look in the rear view mirror of my Mercedes and I can’t even see those wankstas. We be rolling on dubs but they be riding in Power Wheels. SCOTTY No dizzle. And it ain’t just that stiff-ass Brit, Zap Brannigan and Kif who we left behind. It’s The Saints, The New New Midnight Express, Hell’s Hitmen, The Love Doctors, Chicks Over Dicks. Everbody. The only reason they keep them teams around is cuz you need more then one team to make a division. Yo, let’s face it, when tag team wrestling is on the mind, then GPX is the only thing that’s on the mind. The OAOAST tag team scene was built on our name. Show some respect, Gene. GENE Oh, I am down with it, my pimps. Johnny nods, his ugly gold necklace, bouncing against his bare chest. JOHNNY Right on. We tore the division up. We was running over pretenders who thought they was contenders. The Anderson Cup? Bogus. When they made that trophy, they made with our name engraved on the front, because ain’t no other team gonna win it. Ain’t no other team can win it. Look around, cousin! No team in the tournament is in our league. We rottweilers, the rest of them is poodles! Now we off our leash! SCOTTY Man, I ain’t trying to disrespect nobody, but this ain’t nothing but a big ass four week waste of time. They shoulda just awarded us the trophy and the Anglemania title shot and saved us some trouble on the double. For rizzzle. JOHNNY Save Black T, The Love Doctors and The Saints some embarrassment to. Hell, could’ve saved us the trip to Minnesota. No offense or nothing, but this place ain’t exactly on Orbitz’s list of hot spots to hit. A small but audible collection of boos can be heard from the arena. SCOTTY (covering up for Johnny) But we love The Twins! The crowd cheers JOHNNY Bambi and Amber? SCOTTY Naw, the baseball team. JOHNNY Aw, yeah...right. Go Twins. Mean Gene, peace out. We got tag team titles to win. GENE Um, this match isn’t for the tag team titles. JOHNNY It might as well be, cousin. Cuz, they ain’t no way we losing to Alix and Krista. Unless what we losing is our clothes. SCOTTY Good one, Jam. JOHNNY It's always a good one when it comes from the mouth of the Jam. Johnny and Scotty walk off. GENE The Global Party Xchange, fans.

We go to a pre taped video of Alix and Krista standing on the red carpet of the 77th Academy Awards in Hollywood, California. Due to the footage being shot incredibly early in the morning only a few gawkers mill about. Positioned behind the duo is a giant sized replica of the golden statue handed out to the film industry’s finest. Both tag team champs are wearing shimmering beaded halter style dresses that are quite appropriate for the glamourous setting of Oscars’ red carpet. Alix’s dress is black, while Krista’s is solid gold. Oh yeah, Terry Taylor is with them also. TERRY TAYLOR Tonight we will see the awarding of the 77th Academy Awards. But at Zero Hour in a red hot Target Center in a frosty Minneapolis, Minnesota, there will be another type of award handed out, The Anderson Cup. Standing at over two feet, The Anderson cup, like the man it is named after, symbolizes greatness. Official OAOAST Tag Team correspondent, Terry Taylor, here in Hollywood, California with the professional wrestling tag team champions, Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan, Chix Over Dix. ALIX I have a middle name?! TERRY That’s what my card says. ALIX Is it your player’s card, Terry? TERRY No, just an ordinary note card. Red lines. White background. Hard exterior. Soft interior. Looks like everybody else. But once you get to know it...man, it’ll rock your world and leave you wanting so much more. Just like me. Just like me. Alix, The Anderson Cup. Could you give us your thoughts on what Arn Anderson means to you? ALIX Arn Anderson molested me in the shower when I was ten years old. KRISTA & TERRY & THE GHOST OF CALVIN COOLIDGE ?.....!...?...!...?..?.!!! ALIX (chewing on bubble gum) No, wait...that was my Mom! Hi Mommy! Arn was like this dude who was a horse person. And he hung with a whole bunch of other dudes who were like horse people as well and they used to beat up Sting, because I guess they were like big U2 fans or something and didn’t like competition. But I don’t know. Sting ain’t so bad. I like I dream of rain. I dream of raaaaaaainaaaaaain. Good song. But yeah, whenever the horse peeps attacked someone they always said “Whoo” so like Arn Anderson or whoever is responsible for the borning of whoo. So we honor him on this day. I think. Can you repeat the question? Alix’s gum bubble pops in Terry’s face KRISTA Terry, allow me to save both your journalistic integrity and this little segment by telling both Black T and Too Coo...excuse me, GPX a story. In Japan there lived a samurai. Duh. As you may well know samurai are great and noble warriors. But this samurai wasn’t content with being a hero in the field of battle. He wanted to accumulate knowledge of things most men can’t even begin to conceive of. So he went to a Roshi. A Roshi is a Zen Master. The samurai asked the Roshi to tell him about heaven and hell. And The Roshi placed his hand on his chest and looked at the gladiator like he had a nose growing out of his forehead. He gazed at him with utter disgust. Deepening his authoritative voice, he asked the Samurai why he should teach such high concepts to someone so dingy, so repulsive, so lacking in any sort of sophistication and basic intelligence. He cruelly told the warrior he’d be better off talking to a tree frog. Now the Samurai, a proud man, is understandably outraged. His eyes burn with fury, a look of sheer anger etches itself across his face. Veins pop out of his forehead, muscles bulge and teeth grit, grinding themselves into dust. He tries to restrain an anger that can’t be restrained and he erupts with volcanic intensity. He unsheathes his sword and holds the blade that has slain so many souls, to the face of the Roshi. And the Roshi, presented with a madman who’s pride has been degraded into nothingness calmly says “That is hell”. The Samurai, realizing what he’s done, is overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and grief. The sword slips out of his trembling hands and he falls to the ground with it. He holds his hands together and weakly says “Forgive me, Master.” The Roshi, again without emotion, says “That is Heaven.” GPX, Black T, when one of you wins the Anderson Cup tonight you will know heaven. But come Anglemania you will raise your swords against us and we will show you the true meaning of hell. Alix yawns and adjusts the straps on her dress ALIX Hear that? KRISTA What? ALIX That’s the sound of whatever you just said going over everybody’s head! WOOOOSH as they say on the ‘net! KRISTA Hear that? ALIX What? KRISTA That’s the sound of me slapping you in the face. ALIX You didn’t sla... Krista slaps Alix on the cheek. Not hard enough to hurt her, but enough to piss her normally peppy partner off. Alix rubs her face before responding. ALIX Hear that? KRISTA What? ALIX (pointing to the life size award behind them) That’s the sound of me smashing this trophy over your head! TAYLOR NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Terry dives in front of the golden trophy like a secret service agent diving in front of a bullet aimed at the President. Taylor lands on the ground with a thick thud and we hear a rather disgusting cracking sound. ALIX Hey, what are you doing on the floor? TAYLOR Alix and Kris..every.....my...arm...my note card.....my....self respect. We go back to the live feed, to Michael Buffer in the ring. BUFFER The following- The legendary announcer is cut off by a squeal of feedback. Roadies are suddenly all over the stage beneath the AngleTron, setting up drums, guitars, microphones with unbelievable speed. The crowd murmurs, as suddenly the lights dim! A spotlight falls upon the equipment as the roadies hustle off. And out walks KISS~! The ageing rockers settle into their positions, and launch into "Calling Dr. Love"! 12 women dressed in skimpy nurses uniforms flood out from the back. They go into a dance routine in front of KISS, getting a big pop from the crowd. As the song reaches the midpoint, there's a series of explosions of golden pyro! The nurses turn towards the entrance, forming two rows. With a final blast of pyro, the Love Doctors appear! Holding up their HI-YAH tag titles, the Docs make their way through the two lines of girls, grinning and winking at them. BUFFER Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is for the HI-YAH International Tag Team Championship of the World! Introducing first the champions, from Chicago Illinoise, at a total combined weight of 456lbs, Dr. Max Anderson and Dr. Steven Pigley, the LUUUUUUURRRRRRVE DOC-TORS! COLE Quite the entrance from the Docs! COACH Ohmygod Kiss, I love Kiss! I'm gonna hang out with Ace and Gene after the show! CABOOSE Oh, about that, they called and left a message for you. COACH Wow, what was it? CABOOSE Fuck off. COACH *Whimpers* The Docs slide into the ring and dance as the songs reaches its climax - but suddenly the sound cuts, to be replaced by the decidedly weirder strains of "Hit Me Verdi One More Time", the bizarre mix that brings HELL'S HITMEN out! JINGUS puts a boot through the bass drum and snaps a guitar over his knee. Sadist grabs Gene Simmons and CHOKESLAMS him onto a cymbal! The rest of KISS flees as the Hitmen trashes their equipment. COLE Wow, I can't believe Gene just got chokeslammed! CABOOSE They'll do anything for money. COACH *through tears* Just like Cole! COLE Hey! COACH I'm sorry bro, it's the pain talking. BUFFER Aaand their opponents- eek! The Buff shrieks girlishly as he runs out of the ring, fleeing as the Hitmen climb in, bits of broken equipment draped over their massive frames. Our referee, the ever vigilant Nick Patrick, gets us underway. *DING DING DING* The Docs grin and high five. Max Anderson to start for them. JINGUS for the Hitmen. Max with the snake hips right in front of JINGUS. The Devilman swings, and misses. Anderson laughs and taunts JINGUS again. The monster decimates him with a massive lariat, spinning Max around and landing on the back of his head. JINGUS picks up the doc and sets for a Devilbomb! Dr. Pigley runs into the ring - and straight into Sadist, grabbing him for a chokeslam - but Pigley nails a lowblow to escape! Instead of attacking, however, he pauses to adjust his hair, and Sadist rapidly recovers to grab him again by the throat - and CHOKESLAMS over the ropes to the floor! JINGUS hits the Devilbomb! ONE! TWO! THREE! *DING DING DING* COLE Holy crap. Squash-arrific. BUFFER The winners of the match and NUUUUUU HIYAH Tag Team Champions - HELLS HITMEN! JINGUS and Sadist laugh as they snatch the title belts from Nick Patrick. The fans are in a genuinely (as opposed to bored) SHOCKED SILENCE as the Docs have been destroyed in a minute. Hitmen leave, as medics tend to Pigley, who isn't moving. COACH Well, the Docs had a big time entrance, a big time attitude, and it's all been wiped out in a few seconds of brutality. Your new champs - Hell's Hitmen. CABOOSE And totally what both teams deserved. Those phony Quacks have finally been exposed as the chumps they are. COLE Well, we expected that match to go a little longer, so while we wait for our next segment, I'm going to give a demonstration of my new home waxing kit. Caboose, I know you need your bikini line done. CABOOSE Quick! Somebody do something! Anything! COLE Let’s cut to the back, that’s doing something! Backstage, the lavish dressing room suite belonging to The Original Elite is shown, as Candie sits on a couch, her crutches nearby, while Zack, Dan Black, and Tony "The Body" are all getting ready for their respective matches tonight. DAN Good luck tonight, Zack. MALIBU Luck? Dude, please, like I need it? TONY Maybe not, Mr. Malibu, but you realize what this could do for the Elite, right? MALIBU Me beating Josie? What it could do for us? Of course. TONY Then to quote Al Davis: just win baby! Focus, focus, focus. Don't get too cocky out there. DAN YOU of all people are telling him that? The three share a brief chuckle before the mood gets serious again. DAN Look Zack, no offense, but your track record with women isn't the greatest. We know it's No Holds Barred, and that bitch might have something up her sleeve, so we've got your back if things get tough. MALIBU I appreciate that, but I'm sure I can handle Josie frickin' Baker. DAN I hope so too, because with you as GM, that puts us in the main position of power. I've been there. I've felt that power, and I'd love for us to have it back. All this b.s. with the GPX, Rodez, the girls, whoever...we can erase it all from the record books. We could take them out of the company with pink slips, although I'd personally prefer bloodshed. Life could get a lot harder for those who don't realize it was us who made this company what it is today. MALIBU A man after my own heart. DAN An ice heart, no less. TONY We're not worried, Zack. We're just here to reassure you. Do your thing. We'll be watching, and later tonight, the champagne will be flowing, the girls will be coming, because not only will the T.O.E. boys be celebrating tonight, but so will the White House and 10 Downing Street. The Original Elite is worldwide. MALIBU Watch out there Body, I might have to fire you for being drunk on the job. TONY Screw that, after tonight you're giving me a paid vacation, boss man. Candie just shakes her head at the "boy talk", as T.O.E. continue to make plans for what they're going to do once Zack Malibu claims the General Manager position later tonight, as our cameras fade out. And fade into the backstage entrance area … with Stephen Joseph arriving with workout bag strapped over his left shoulder. He’s on his cell phone, passing by the camera. Stephen Joseph Yes, let’s make sure that contract is in order for tonight. It’s time to strike at The Original Elite. Whoa! And nearly colliding with the General Manager of HeldDown, Josie Baker… Josie You’re late to your own PPV, Mr. Popick. Stephen Joseph Enjoy your present, dear. And as far as you’re concerned, it “Boss” tonight, sister. Josie What present? ::Fade to Black::

Live from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman, and Sofa Central resident hack, J. Michael Caboose. “NO!!” “WHAT THE…” “AHHHH!” SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH… CRASH!! Outside of the arena, the silent night is suddenly cut by the sights and sounds of a rental car bounding off the street, across the sidewalk, and careening into a brick wall, much to the chagrin of the passengers inside, one of which happens to be a flying robot. K.U.R.T. zooms from the wreckage as Matt Harms, Phenom, and Devin Geddon climb to safety, with Phenom pulling Warren Peace out of the driver side window. “You idiot! I told you I should have drove!” Harms yells out in no direction in particular, but as he turns around he finds the rest of his group heading towards the arena doors, only to find them locked. “I don’t believe this!” Phenom yells now, and kicks the glass door, only for K.U.R.T. to cut him off. “Sir.” K.U.R.T. SPEAKS~! “I can get in.” ”What are you going to do? Shrink?” Geddon asks as he sits against the doors, miffed at the idea of being locked out of a PPV. “I’ll get it.” K.U.R.T. says again and flies up towards the roof, gliding softly into an air-vent and traveling down through the ducts, it’s camera showing it’s course before it busts through another vent, scaring the pants out of the DoC outside the doors. “HE DID IT!? Can that thing mix drinks too?” “Of course.” K.U.R.T. replies as his mechanics fiddle with the locks, finally causing the door to open out into the tonight, granting access to the four on the outside. “Wooo! It’s time for a little CHAOS, boys!” “BAM Baby, that’s what I like!

translated, the korean script said "lucky lottery winner"

Well, thats 1 of two rumors I got right a few pages ago. Yall know the other one

It doesn't As stated before, its going to be Sawyer, to complete his redemption story

Someone said this earlier, I think TCR, my 4th favorite poster. But Robotjerk, Kerry LOST the debates. Not because he in fact lost them, but because he won them so poorly. No one expected Bush to perform, and Kerry had high expectations. When he failed to realize those expectations, and Bush performed better than expected, even though Kerry still won those debates, he didn't really win them, because he didnt meet expectations while Bush surpassed his. Semantics...

You know, when I read that article, I could help but think of how nice and swift instant karma is. I can't shed one tear for those Greenpeace protestors. Wait... Maybe.... No, that's an eyelash.

It has been specifically stated that Charlie is not slated to die this season Also, the reference to Sawyer comes from the inside. I got the rumor off of a friend's online journal where he referenced it. Just saying. Hurley makes *some* sense, but its a little to obvious you know?

Who? Oh, umm, err. No.

I hate this school even more and more. Thanks for posting this link, my friends are going to have a field day laughing at this. No poker games or dancing? Christ, I'd likely go mad.

Sawyer's whole life has been about collecting information that he can use later. He's not being evil, he's looking out after himself by hoarding. That is what he knows

I wouldn't exactly call Sawyer "beloved". And I still think it's Hurley. I mean, Sawyer dies, and you lose the wiseass de facto quartermaster. I also gotta believe that they've filmed multiple deaths at this point. Abrams and co wouldn't be so stupid to film just the one ending. Tis what I have heard. Hurley, imho, also makes some sense, but, according to whats being whispered around, its Sawyer. They're writing him in such a way that we're going from hating him to liking him. Or should we call him James now?

Lower your hand hippie

SPOILERS I MEAN REALLY, SPOILERS 1) Hurley meant what he said to Walt "You'll get it." Hurley won the lottery. 2) The much beloved character to die is Sawyer.

It's the little details I liked. I caught sight of a survivor that I didn't recognize (neat, the surviving one of the duo maybe?) and the very brief frame with Jin and his wife together casting a fishing net brings that into perspective. I'm getting the feeling that the 'they' won't be shown until the finale. However... the next post will have some insane spoilers. Please dont read it if you dont want to be spoiled.

You're kidding me? Popular Mechanics has been doing pieces not related to cars FOR YEARS. Sheesh, I remember several articles about the stealth program and new aircraft design. They nearly always have some sort of current events analysis Engineering is engineering, and math is math, no matter what you're doing.

Did you minor in English? Eubonics. I be straight street yo.

Nice catch LOTC

Math as well then. Oh, and I'm an economist, since you were asking

You must have a degree in English

I'd rather we forget about him

That's high praise from a Democrat, Popick, nobody knows pompousness and arrogance like the liberals The Czech Republic, my 4th favorite poster You should have used an emoticon in that post. I Czech and to him.

I'm certain Edgar's going to give Driscoll her come-uppance. They've treated his character as someone who is unconfident in his abilities at first, pushed, and then does it and more (with rinse and repeat) You can only push Edgar so far until his nERD powA will take you down.

That's high praise from a Democrat, Popick, nobody knows pompousness and arrogance like the liberals The Czech Republic, my 4th favorite poster