There were several months there in Yankee Candle when I thought we wouldn't make it. It was the winter of '95. We were hungry, just barely alive. General Gibril gave the orders, sure, but "Longwang" was the spiritual leader of our little ragtag band of spies and assassins. His was a void not soon to be filled, a hole in my soul that's been killing me forever; a place where a garden never grows. So we sat in that abandoned warehouse we called "Yankee Candle" for weeks, plotting our next move. We knew we had been discovered, but how? Then we received this message from the enemy combatants: .
We knew then that our super-secret code had been broken. We had our Asian computer whiz code guy Pocky create a new, unbreakable code. Having since been declassified, it can now be revealed: 1n2o3f4a5t6c7h8i9c0k1s. What we also knew was that our enemies were not as formidable as we had once believed. Pudding Pop and Pippo a.k.a. C*O*C*K*B*L*O*C*K* were just a couple of housecats. Housecats in ties, no less. And so it was that we rained bullets on those cats, enough to kill both past and future generations of cat, to the point were they didn't have a single atom left to call their own. We captured their cache of "Buzz," which, having also been declassified, can finally be revealed as having been this:.
Having insured that no one would subsequently know of the buzz on professional wrestling, I retired from the super-shadowy government agency I had worked for. I floundered for many years, not sure what one does when not engaged in ultra-secret covert operations. I hit rock bottom one night in a Radisson Inn. After cavorting with a stream of moderately-priced prostitutes, I found myself driving 'round and 'round the a hotel garage. I must have been touching close to 94. I knew then that I needed to turn my life around. Then, through a series of interesting events that I won't detail here, I became a well-known actor, star of such popular films as General Gerbil and The Longest Story Ever Told. I then became the president of the National Rifle Association, presiding over a period of almost unprecendented quiet from both fowl and deer. Now I am an old man and I will soon be dead. But I do not fear death. In fact, I welcome its icy embrace. For I have lived a full life, a grand life. I have protected my country--America, the most beautiful world in the world--and have bedded many women and killed many cats. So I leave you now and I suppose I shall want these as much as any others to be my last words:
and i know
that it's true
all the fire
has burned thru
well you know i've played
so hard
and the light
grows so dim
and my time's getting slim
all the words
just don't mean much
and i know i'm saying
goodbye
and i know that i'm going
down
to die
in my heart there's a wind
and it swirls up a din
it's so loud
it drowns my mind
till the coin that i pass
to the ferryman's grasp
lets me leave
my pain
behind
so i part
and i'm oh so cold
and i hope to release
my heart
better leave
while my song still calls
it's the truth
that i'm going
down
to die
The End
