the.weej
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"PREPARE...FOR...LANDON!"
...WAAAAAHHHHH...
*DUM DUM*
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Oh, joy."
"Well, this is the first time we've seen Landon Maddix in the flesh since Clusterfuck and after the footage we saw of his reaction to losing the big Clusterfuck Match, this promises to be most interesting." Pete muses, as Landon makes his way through the curtains. "We've seen Landon around since then and to say he's been...woah, what the...oh boy, this isn't good!"
Pete's rundown is cut short, as he and the rest of the fans in the arena notice that Landon Maddix isn't alone. Following The Next Generation down to the ring, the unmistakeable frame of Amy Stephens raises a fair amount of confusion from the fans...at least the ones who don't keep up to date with SWF.com, your number one source of 2003 SWF information!
"Now, this is VERY interesting." enthuses Pete, while King tries not to fall into a premature sleep. "Landon has promised that tonight, he's gonna call Amy Stephens' brother Toxxic out...but we haven't seen Toxxic for months! He's gone AWOL! There's no guarantee that he's even watching the show tonight!"
"You think Landon has had space in his scatty little brain to even contemplate that?" sneers King. "Face it, this kid is messed up in the head. Seriously messed up. The fact that he's coming to the ring and calling out someone who left the company in the middle of last year alone should tell you that...let alone the fact he's doing it in front of Toxxic's homicidal sister!"
Entering the ring, Landon Maddix wastes no time in procuring the microphone from Funyon and positioning himself in the centre of the ring. With an 'inviting' finger Landon then calls a camera man over and 'invites' him to 'stand the hell in front of me', so that Landon is addressing the camera rather than the crowd.
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
But, even though he's not looking at them, Landon can still clearly hear the fans' reaction to him. Amy Stephens also enters the ring, as Landon gets ready to begin...but suddenly wheels around without warning, demanding a chair in the ring. In comes the chair, which Landon sits himself down in, leaving Amy to stand behind.
"Sitting down...that's not a good sign." groans King. "Wake me up when he's done."
Landon impatiently begins to toss the microphone from hand to hand, seemingly unable to keep himself still as he tries to compose himself.
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"SJL Television Champion. SJL European Champion. SJL Heavyweight Champion. Two time SWF USJL Champion. Three time and longest reigning SWF ICTV Champion. Former SWF International Champion. Three time, current SWF Tag Team Champion. First ever Cold Front Classic winner. 2005 Clusterfuck Champion. Former SWF World Heavyweight Champion...
...NONE of those things mean anything to me anymore."
Sitting back in the chair, Landon sighs.
"Everything I've set out to accomplish in my career, I've done. I've won titles, acquired accolades, earned plaudits. And when I'm gone, I won't be soon forgotten. There is but one regret...and it's a regret that haunts me to this day, almost 12 months on. And until I right the wrong that went down on that night last year, then I simply cannot find inner peace and move on with career. With my life."
Landon pauses again, giving some of the fans chance to shout some abuse. For the first time since arriving, that earns the fans Landon's attention.
"I know you people resent me for everything I've done in the past year. And there's only one person you've got to blame for that...and that man, is 'TOXXIC'."
"YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
A huge pop goes up for the departed former three time World Champion's name. Landon snarls, before looking up at Amy who simply shrugs her shoulders. Turning back to the camera, Landon does his best to ignore the cheers.
"I know, somewhere, wherever you've hidden yourself away...you're watching tonight, Toxx. I know that somewhere you're watching, because simply put, you HAVE to. There's a saying around these parts and it stands as true today as it ever has. Nobody ever leaves for good, Toxxic. Nobody ever manages to stay away. Eventually, you'll be back. That's why you see Sacred return. That's why you see El Luchadore Magnifico return. That's why you see Danny Williams making comebacks. It's the same reason that eventually, one day, JJ'll be back. You can never really, truely leave the SWF. And Toxxic, I know that you've been keeping up to date with what's going on. Sure, you probably spent a couple of months doing your own thing. But eventually, curiosity got to you. The lure of the SWF got to you, just like it does anyone else."
"TOXX - IC!"
"TOXX - IC!"
"TOXX - IC!"
"TOXX - IC!"
"CAN YOU HEAR THEM!?!" Landon suddenly shouts, leaning into the camera. "CAN YA HEAR THEM, TOXX!?! Do you hear those people, chanting your name? Feels good, don't it? Right now, you must really be getting the itch. The lure of competition's running back through your veins and I know that deep down, whether you admit it to yourself or not, you'd LOVE to be back in this ring and competing with the best! You've felt what it's like to be World Champion on 3 occassions. Sure, maybe you thought at one point that you'd done it all. That you'd achieved everything you needed to. But the SWF never leaves you Toxxic. The pull's getting stronger. You're sick of running, sick of hiding. Those spikes of hair you shaved away are growing back, reminding you of who you were...who you ARE!"
Landon sneers.
"Nobody cares about Michael Stephens. These people wouldn't give a crap about some random 'geezer' from Nottingham if they turned up on their doorsteps. But Toxxic? Yeah. Then, maybe, they'd care."
Amy stays quiet in the background, despite no doubt disagreeing with Landon on that point. She cares about Michael Stephens, even if no-one else does.
"Why fight it, Mike? Why fight the inevitable? Grab the mascara, glob on the hair gel, come out of your little hidey hole and come back. Come back to the SWF. Come back and FIGHT ME! Nobody'd think any the less of you. Far from it. I'm sure these people would love to have you back..."
"YYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"...and your sister would sure love to have you back. But most of all, I want you back. I want you back, so I can get MY career back. The moment you packed your bags and strolled out the back door, you didn't just put your career on hold, you did the same to mine. And I want it back. So be a man Toxxic. Be a man and fight me, one last time. I know you're not close enough to get here tonight...chances are, you're not even in the country. It needn't be tonight, it needn't be next week. But Toxxic, we all know that sooner or later you'll be back, so why not make it sooner?"
Standing up from his seat, Landon smiles.
"Sooner or later...you'll be back. I GUARANTEE it! And when you do finally return, I'll be waiting."
The smile disappears from Landon's face as he closes in on the camera, his face almost pressed up against the lens as his teeth grit together.
"Toxxic...consider yourself...called out!"
Throwing down the microphone, Landon has clearly said all he needs to say as he piefaces the camera away from him and leaves the ring, storming up the ramp without a second look back or even around at the fans. Amy is close behind, with other things on her mind.
"Well, Toxxic has been called out...but, this may be one challenge that never gets answered!" fears Pete.
"Somebody needs to try telling Landon that. Does he really think that Toxxic's just gonna jump on a plane the moment he says jump? Give me a break. Toxx...sorry, 'Michael Stephens', trashed his ring gear, he shaved away those trademark spikes from his hair, he left the SWF high and dry! He left because he didn't want to be here anymore, simple as that. If Landon thinks that Toxxic's gonna come back just because he issued a challenge to him, then I think he's very much mistaken!"
"King, I really don't think this is the end of this." sighs Pete. "I don't think that Landon Maddix will rest until Toxxic does come back and does face him in the ring. I don't think he CAN rest until that happens. The thing that worries me is, how far is this clearly unbalanced young kid gonna go to goad Toxxic back?"
"And how much more mic time is he gonna be given? THAT'S what worries me!"
"Very droll, King. Very droll."
-
It's Storm, mother bitches! Better than that, it's Octopus Battle! RRGH! And fuck the commentators for this match, anything they said would detract from how awesome this will be.
"It's fucking Octopus Battle time!" Funyon shouts. "First off, Jimmy the Doom!"
"Yakety Sax" plays, and Doom hustles down to the ring by himself, as this match is the most seriously important match in his entire life, ready to get his hardcore match on.
"And now, it's the best ever, An Octopus!" Funyon exclaims.
"Under the Sea" plays, and two guys run down to toss the octopus in the ring. Let's get this shit started, mother fuckers!
DINGODAMNDING!
Doom straight up charges An Octopus, but Jimmy gets yanked to the mat, tentacle stylee. Doom rolls away from Octopus and out of the ring. He grabs a big can of pears and hurls it at the cephalopod, but Octopus snags it. Octopus slides on over to Doom and smashes Jimmy in the face with a tentacle-wrapped can.
EL KABONG!
The Doomtopian takes a step back, shakes off the blow, and grabs Octopus around the head. Jimmy tries to pull An Octopus off the mat, but its tentacles keep it stuck to the canvas. Octopus fends Doom off with a few can-shots.
WANG!
WHORE FACE!
PENIS HATS!
Doom staggers backwards, but Octopus has mad crazy reach and pulls Jimmy in close, and takes a bite out of his arm. Beak attack, bitch ho! Doom nearly flip out, and pokes An Octopus in the eyes, causing it to spray a stream of ink, much of which goes into Jimmy's bite hole.
Punk ass bitch octopi.
Doom finally gets free of An Octopus and heads towards the other side of the ring, only for An Octopus to walk like a damn spider across the mat towards the Doomtopian. Jimmy feints to the right, and Octopus goes for it, shooting out a tentacle, allowing Doom to bash An Octopus in the head with a Boston Monkey Blow. With An Octopus stunned, Doom slides into the ring, ready to give it another go. An Octopus slowly turns around, raises the tentacle with the can of pears, and throws it, beaning Doom right on the forehead.
SHAZAAM!
This allows An Octopus to slither up and sink its beak into Jimmy's shin, but Doom answers with a punting kick, sending An Octopus into the third row. Unfortunatley for Jimmy, the third row is An Octopus (And by association, Marine Biology) territory, and the eight-armed grappler gets hurled back in after a quick dip into a tank of water so it doesn't die within the next few minutes. Cautiously, Doom walks towards An Octopus, lunges, and grabs hold of two tentacles. Jimmy crosses them over and begins to step through, unwittingly putting himself in grave danger. An Octopus quickly rolls through and tightly grasps Doom's leg. The referee skips over and is all like, "Do you want to give up?"
Doom is all, "Hells no!"
So the ref is all, "d00d, want 2 cyber then?"
So Jimmy punches the referee in the pre-frontal cortex. But he can't worry about strange referees, as he's in one of the deadliest moves in An Octopus' arsenal. Doom tries to fight it, but inevitably drops forward, allowing Octopus to grasp tighter with its tentacle. Slowly, Jimmy fades into unconsciousness, causing the referee to lift Jimmy's arm and drop it.
It falls.
It's picked up a second time.
It falls once again.
The limb is thrice hoisted.
But it does not fall this time. Ain't no damn way it falls a third time. Eyes rolling madly, blood steadily dripping from his ears, nose, mouth, and tear ducts, Jimmy the Doom just might die from An Octopus grasping his leg so tightly with its tentacles, but he doesn't. Instead, he fights back like a mother fucker. With his fingernails turning black and falling off, Doom crawls towards the ropes. Jimmy pulls himself up via the ropes, but gets no respite as rope breaks do not exist in the hardcore environment. Doom leans over the top strand, and like a giant redwood, weakened over the centuries, tumbles over and lands on the apron, but only for a moment, as Doom and An Octopus fall to the floor, Jimmy's fall being cushioned by An Octopus. The impact, combined with Jimmy's weight is enough to cause An Octopus to loosen its hold slightly, but it's enough for Doom to scramble away.
Doom starts to get to his feet, but is far too beaten and simply collapses, while An Octopus lays on its side, trying to ignore the pain its steadily drying gills are causing. Wait, does An Octopus (And octopi in general) have gills? Lungs? Let's go with gills. The ref looks at both man and sea monster, willing them to get up so he can have something to do. After nearly a minute of recovery from both wrestlers, Doom gets to his feet, limps over to An Octopus, and shoves the cephalopod into the ring. Jimmy climbs onto the apron, then to the top rope. He waits for An Octopus to show signs of movement, then leaps off, looking for a cross body block.
However, An Octopus knew he was looking for one, and it catches Doom in mid-air. Octopus shifts Jimmy around then spikes him into the mat with a Thunder Fire Powerbomb. Doom convulses on the mat for a second, then is still as An Octopus makes a lateral press.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
NO!
Doom gets a shoulder up half a nanosecond away from being pinned! An Octopus, visibly frustrated tries to grasp Jimmy's head tightly with a tentacle, but Doom manages to reverse it into a tentacle bar. An Octopus thrashes around wildly, trying to free itself. Desperate, Octopus throws a tentacle across Jimmy's eyes and begins trying to pull them out. Doom instantly releases his hold and sets to work trying to save his eyeballs. Taking great caution, Doom pries An Octopus' tentacle off his face and gets to his feet. For a moment, Doom and An Octopus simply stare at each other, amazed at the other's skills. Finally, Jimmy takes a step forward and kicks An Octopus in the head. An Octopus absorbs the blow (An easy thing to do since it doesn't have any bones), and lashes out with a tentacle, whipping Doom across the leg. Infuriated, Doom grabs the mollusk by a tentacle and slings it into the ropes. Rather than bouncing back, An Octopus simply attaches itself to the middle rope. Thinking it might be stuck, Jimmy charges, looking for a mighty flying front kick, but An Octopus drops to the apron, causing Doom to crotch himself. An Octopus slowly slithers and slides down the ring skirting and begins looking under the ring, perhaps for weapons, or merely for water to fend off death for just a while longer.
Doom removes himself from his painful predicament just as An Octopus emerges from under the ring, eight kendo sticks in its arms, double General Grievous-style. Using the canes as stilts, An Octopus clambers up the ring steps and then into the ring itself. Jimmy takes one glance at An Octopus and quickly slides out of the ring. Doom looks underneath and pulls out a pair of keno sticks himself. That's a lot of fucking kendo sticks. Anyway, Doom gets into the ring and is all going to challenge An Octopus to a wooden light-saber battle or some shit.
And Jimmy gets fucking owned.
Clack! Clack! Clack! Clack!
Doom doesn't even manage to graze An Octopus, all blows deflected, and with two quick flicks of its tentacles, An Octopus sends Jimmy the Doom's kendo sticks out of his hands and into the skulls of a pair of lucky fans. Looking around nervously, Doom scoops up the dented can of pears and throws it at An Octopus, only for the cephalopod to knock it back at Doom, the can striking him in the face.
DEAD CLOWN HOOKERS!
Jimmy's knees buckle, and he sags down to the mat, providing An Octopus an opening to lay into Doom with its eight kendo sticks.
MORMON PANTS!
Snap!
LOBSTER NIPPLES!
Snap!
TUBULAR OCELOT!
Snap!
GERMAN SANDWICH!
Snap!
GRAVY NINJAS!
Snap!
FRANKENSTEIN'S GOITER!
Snap!
MIDGET STRIPPERS!
Snap!
CARROT CAKE SOUP!
With one final snap, all eight kendo sticks break, leaving An Octopus with eight useless stumps of wood. However, Jimmy the Doom is far worse off, as he falls backwards, nearly unconscious from the tremendous beating he's taken. Octopus crawls over and makes a lateral press, hooking both legs and putting pressue on both arms.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
NO!
Amazingly, Jimmy the Doom gets a shoulder up! An Octopus now turns its attention on the referee and starts flailing its tentacles around wildly, no doubt complaining of a slow count. Can you blame it, though? Look at all the space between one and two, and then two and three. While Octopus berates the ref, Jimmy pulls himself up and crawls over to the corner to rest and recover. Finally understanding that the ref doesn't speak Octopi, An Octopus turns around, looking for Doom. Jimmy takes a step towards the mollusk before falling forwards, with only eight tentacles keeping Doom from crushing An Octopus. The Doomtopian reaches out and quickly tags An Octopus with Chicken Fists! The onslaught causes An Octopus to lower Doom even closer to it's head. Jimmy manages to roll through and secure a head vice, particularly dangerous for invertebrates. The referee asks An Octopus if it wishes to submit, but gets waved away. Using two arms to try to pull Jimmy's hands apart, which, due to no bones, or chitinous shell surrounding An Octopus' brain, are nearly laced together, while the remaining six begin to grasp tightly around Doom's arms, chest, and neck. That's right, multiple submission moves. The referee asks Doom if he wants to submit, but he doesn't respond.
The ref turns to An Octopus and poses the same question, and An Octopus simply clacks its beak sharply. Presumably, that means "No fucking way, whore bucket."
Slowly, (Shit seems to be taking a long time to happen in this match) Doom sits down, and his grip on An Octopus' head weakens. Similarly, An Octopus tentacles don't seem to be grasping as tightly. The ref asks both competitors if they wish to submit, but gets no response at all. After several moments, Doom lets go of An Octopus, who drops down, tearing its grip on Jimmy free as well. The Doomtopian's eyes glaze over and he falls backwards, one arm landing on top of An Octopus. Not exactly sure if it constitutes a pin, the referee counts it anyway.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
NO!
An Octopus wildly flails several tentacles at the last possible moment, either kicking out, or simply thrashing about in its death throes, the pin attempt is foiled. Jimmy the Doom gets to on all fours, breathing heavily, when An Octopus reaches out and snags the Doomtopian, rolling him up with a La Majistral cradle, thanks in part to Doom's utter exhaustion, but An Octopus' amazing strength is also key.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
The ref leaps to his feet and signals for the bell.
DINGODAMNDING THE SECOND!
"Under the Sea" roars over the speakers, and the An Octopus fan section heave water balloons into the ring, keeping their favored wrestler alive for a while longer.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, AN OCTOPUS!" Funyon shouts.
An Octopus starts to exit the ring, but is stopped as Jimmy the Doom grabs one of its trailing tentacles. Octopus spins around, ready to start the fight anew, but the Doomtopian extends a hand. The two shake, and Jimmy calls for a microphone.
"Being wants to much speaks! An Octopus, many of respectfuls belonged to myself owning yours now. Often tiredness in me, several wishes of peoples us feud cessation. Whating of say yourselves?" Doom asks.
An Octopus pulls the microphone down to its beak, and the entire arena goes quiet, curious to see what it says.
"Glub."
The crowd, simply put, explodes! Tears streaming down his cheeks, Jimmy the Doom raises An Octopus by a tentacle before the two embrace, the Doomtopian and Octopi blood feud now presumably over. With that, Storm fades out with a mother fucking star wipe.
-
I wanted to get you a McFarlane Stryke, but they were out. Sorry.
-Z
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I've edited the card with the addition of some new markers Judge forgot about - we shouldn't have a need to double-duty anybody anymore - and changed the show poster. It's Raynor, not meeeeee~
-Z
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Well, I have to say that on the surface, this was a really great show. Lots of different threads were weaved in throughout, and there was a lot of storyline progression, which is nice to see with so much time to go before the next PPV. Behinds the scenes, though, not so much. There were quite a few noshows where I didn't expect them at all.
Now, the Lethal Lottery... I'm going to come out right away and admit it's all my baby, and it's basically a CC Power Play to breathe new life into the tag division. So if you have any complaints, feel free to direct them my way, where they will be summarily ignored.
Like any kind of tournament, it's probably going to be a little disruptive, but I think we've plotted this one out in such a way that it gives writers enough flexibility to work around it. I'd try to explain the rules for everything here, but truthfully it's not the easiest concept to understand. After the card is up, I'll be making a thread explaining everything and showing the exact process of the tournament, and explaining how everything is supposed to work.
With diagrams.
-Z
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Wow.
"Bollywood" Santosh Jeevan, I demand that someone make a ringer with that name.
But other than that... wow.
-Z
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DURAN!
...come back. Or update the TSMFBL. Either one I'm cool with.
-Z
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Y'know, I think the worst thing in the world you can do is change your writing style in an attempt to 'fit in' better. In addition to doing something you simply aren't comfortable with, it's taxing and may speed up burnout, regardless of whether or not you end up more sucessful.
I have completely maintained that the whole "you need to write like so-and-so" thing is a myth. If you don't believe me, I think you should just talk to Wildchild. Both his writing style and his in-ring style remain completely unique, even after years of being part of the fed. The fact that he came into the SWF at a time when AJPW styled strike and head drop-based movesets were all the rage, and was not only immediately successful, but went on to be one of the most prolific writers of that entire year, should speak more to what being an individual does than anything else.
Wildchild is also arguably the best storyteller in the SWF - and when you boil everything else away, that is truly the most important factor.
-Z
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I'd like to think I know where this is headed.
-Z
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I recently received a suggestion that I'll pass along, that we start using retired SWF wrestler Tod deKindes as our backup interviewer. I'm not preciesely sure how well this would go over, as he's more likely to spend the entire interview talking about how awesome he was rather than ask any questions.
-Z
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1) Who are you, and what have you done this year?
I'm Zed. I've completely run the administrative gauntlet (writer, marker, booker, run the JL, run the WF and been a chat op) over my roughly four years of SWF service. When Mike disappeared and Tom lost his connection, I offered myself to help Raynor out in running the fed again. I am also party to a wide number of secrets.
2) What do you think of CC and their work at this time?
We're fucking awesome, and I don't want to hear otherwise as long as I have the book again.
But seriously, I'm pretty impressed with Judge and Chris's ability to demonstrate administrative authority. Mike, and no offense to him, left CC in a real big fucking disorganized mess. The roster hadn't been updated since August, nobody was sure who the champions were, nobody had a good handle on what a lot of the storylines were, etc etc. Both of them did an excellent job cleaning shit up and getting everything back into working order. Judge also has limitless enthusiasm and ideas on how we can be better and more proactive, such as this thread. He apparently never got the memo.
3) What do you think this fed's strongest suit is?
Me.
Alright, enough of that. We have a lot of dedicated writers who are commited to improvement, and also who genuinely seem to enjoy the absurd amount of effort you need to be successful at this silly little hobby. It's nice to be in a period of the SWF where there's more than one or two writers plotting out storylines and not floating around, relying on CC to throw them a bone.
4) What do you think this fed's weakest suit is?
Janus.
Alright, enough of that for real this time. We could still stand to have more humour, and I think weaning people off of the necessity of doing pointless limb psych or whatever just so it's there is a noble goal. We could stand to alter our marking principles a bit. And Akira's right, we could also stand to be more prudent, but that's never going to happen.
5) Do you have any suggestions for changes in how things are run?
I think the whole "union rep" and "storyline consultant" ideas are superflous - there are enough people on the roster who informally do that kind of stuff anyway. I feel we have a lot of initiatives on the go right now, and don't need to introduce anything new right away.
6) Overall, do you like the direction the fed is headed in?
I think we're going to be enjoying a resurgence well into the spring, and perhaps longer if none of the important veteran writers in the upper eschelons of the card retire anytime soon. (ie: Wildchild, ELM, Cortez, etc)
-Z
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omfg @ Matt Myers being ranked over SEVEN other guys. That is tremendous.
Admit it, Pete, you don't use a mathmatical formula at all. You just roll your d20.
-Z
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At the Clusterfuck Magnifico forced Johnson to tapNo, he didn't.
He did as of the moment I posted the card. Understand?
-Z
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I keep thinking there's something about piledrivers. But then, in my mind, I occasionally think Bill Watts Rules and Crusierweight Rules are the same thing.
-Z
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Oh well, all the more time for porn! And the SWF. What a life I lead.
First I would like to arrogantly blow my own horn and point out the two Wes Davenport Collection DVD commercials that were in the show. Both of them were Judge's ideas, but he wrote the first one and let me have the second. I have to say that we have literally come up with dozens of stupid Wes Davenport movie ideas to use for commercials in the span of a couple of hours - this gimmick is truly incredible.
Anyway, OH MY GOD SO MANY PROMOS JESUS CHRIST. In some ways, it's disappointing that a regular show can actually have twice as much content as a PPV, and that PPV has three matches that require double posts. At the same time, it's incredibly impressive because it means people are coming out en masse after the PPV to get stuff going on the promo show, which almost never happens. In the end I just say huzzah, 'cause I like promos. There were quite a few new threads that were turned up in this show, and ultimately that's exactly what you want. When you're coming off a PPV, it's sometime weeks before everyone gets going on a storyline, so this is very encouraging. I'm curious about the whole Kaibatsu/Cross angle, and while I did see the Kevin Coyote/LDP thing coming (it's been foreshadowed quite well), the execution was awesome and it raises a lot of interesting questions. Is Coyote himself actually Pete?
I have to say that I'm really impressed with this recap show idea, although it is a lot of effort. Judge has really been the catalyst for CC getting involved in projects like this, and I hate him for it, because being on SWF Creative Control has always been about half-assing what essentially amount to e-fed public works projects, and then never reading shows before you book cards. The son of a bitch is ruining nearly five years of tradition, here.
And I must say that I'm positively moist over the idea of JJ/ELM having a rematch. I am moistening
-Z
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The Smartmarks Wrestling Federation presents...
SWF LOCKDOWN!
Live, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8TH, from the SOLD OUT ROSE GARDEN in PORTLAND, OREGON!
(6pm PST, 10pm EST; check local listings)
After a hellacious PPV and a brief period to deal with the Morning After - always a problem when 'Fucking - the SWF gets back to business! And the action wastes no time in getting hot n' heavy, with three title bouts, including a stunning rematch of the Clusterfuck main event! Also, following the effects of Kevin Coyote's stunning revelation on AftershoX, SWF play-by-play man Longdogger Pete has requested this show off, with stalward Ben Hardy replacing him behind the desk. Plus, TWO returns, and a major announcement from the Boss!
OPENING PROMO: Kevin Coyote
MAIN EVENT
WORLD TITLE BOUT, SUBMISSION MATCH
El Luchadore Magnifico© vs JJ Johnson
SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR: Wes Davenport
->And this time... it's personal. After getting closer than any other man in the last four months to dethroning El Luchadore Magnifico as SWF World Heavyweight Champion, JJ Johnson will square off once again for the right to be crowned the best in the business. Not through threats, not through favours, but through a promise, an apology. At the Clusterfuck Magnifico forced Johnson to tap, and in all fairness to JJ, he's going to have to trade submissions with Magnifico and win it the hard way if he wants to become world champion. And of course... all will take place under the watchful eye of the man who truly has the most riding on this matchup.
Rules: Submission match. The winner is whoever forces his opponent to tap out; regular DQ/Countout rules are not in effect, but ropebreaks are. Muzz can write a match if he would like, but is discouraged to do so.
Word Limit: 6750
Send To: realitycheck
-=-=-=-
SINGLES MATCH
"The Divine Wind" Akira Kaibatsu vs Todd Cortez
->Akira Kaibatsu, Michael Cross, WHAT IS THEIR CONNECTION!? Well, Asian, it looks like. Unfortunately, there was no way I could tie that plot point into a totally relevant matchup without being too obvious, so here's Todd Cortez! Cortez has been in a bit of a funk lately, and hasn't been able to find the form that took him to the main event of Ramadomination. This may be a good chance for him, because although Akira hung tough against Bruce Blank in a brutal series of matchups, those injuries of his have got to be lingering. If there's one sure way to find out if old wounds have healed, it's to open 'em up again!
Rules: Standard singles match.
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: janusd
-=-=-=-
HARDCORE TITLE BOUT
Bruce Blank© vs Ghost Machine 2.0
->No rest for the wicked, as they say. After getting perferated, mutilated, discombobulated and blowed up good, Bruce Blank was no doubt looking forward to an easy night off. Well, not so much. The incomprable Ghost Machine has apparently identified Blank as his highest priority processing task, and well, who are we here on SWF CC to argue with Ghost Machine's OS? Here's hoping Blank just doesn't crack his source code open at some point in the match.
Rules: You're kidding, right?
Word Limit: 5000
Send To: chirs3
-=-=-=-
MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT!
->Da Boss himself, Joe Peters, has a big announcement to make, with sweeping ramafactions! After Family Friendly rules and free endorsements, Peter's continued delusions of grandeur can probably only draw a groan from SWF fans and workers included. Just the same, he promises this one is going to be incredible, and might actually have something to do with wrestling this time!
-=-=-=-
SINGLES MATCH
Laberinto vs "The Icon" Max King
->A few shows before the Clusterfuck, Landon Maddix and Max King, the most unlikely of partners, were finally able to pry the tag team titles away from TKO, or at least what was left of them. The exact dynamics of this team, or even King's reasoning for choosing Maddix as his partner, remain uknown. Maddix isn't booked tonight, but King gets a chance to stretch his legs in singles competition against the enigmatic Laberinto.
Rules: Singles Match
Word Limit: 4750
Send To: Justice
-=-=-=-
CRUSIERWEIGHT TITLE BOUT, TRIPLE THREAT
Zyon© vs Kevin Coyote vs Christian Fury
->It doesn't seem like all's well in Zyon's relationship with Spike Jenkins. What does that have to do with this match? Absolutely jack, but it's always nice when the bookers point out they read the shows. The cruiserweight champion has a rocky schedule ahead of him, I reckon, and this first defense of the month is going to be particularly tricky. After floundering a bit out of the gate, Christian Fury is given a chance to kick his return into gear. And while Kevin Coyote's shocking announcement on the last show has affected the commentary table, it will be interesting to see how it affects his preformance in-ring.
Rules: Regular cruiserweight rules. 20 count on the outside, no piledrivers, etc.
Word Limit: 5500
Send To: The Superstar
-=-=-=-
SINGLES MATCH
Amy Stephens vs Insane Luchador
->Amy Stephens, the cute n' cuddly kid sister of Michael Stephens, better known as Toxxic, has been tracking down her brother since his mysterious disappearance. Running out of leads (and money) has brought her to the place he last left. Smells like trouble. And Estée Lauder. Just the same, Joe Peters knows money when he sees it, and given Amy a contract. And who better to welcome her into the SWF than a real ladies man? Sadly, Tyler McClelland hasn't been active in four years, so here's Andrew Rickmen, recently back from the dead.
Rules: Standard singles match.
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: realitycheck
-=-=-=-
SINGLES MATCH
Jimmy the Doom vs The Crimson Skull
->THE MEGAPOWERS COLLIDE! Well, not really, but it's fun to dream. After a long haitus in Doomtopia, Jimmy the DOOM returns, victorious in a war with Zirconia, to do battle with all Ne'er Do Wells, or something to that effect. Just the same, who is more Ne'er than the Crimson Skull himself? Stymied with a streak of losses, Skull has threatened to fire the lovable Heff if conditions don't improve! It's beyond Heff's caste as a mook to get a title match for Skull, like he wants, but a win here would certainly do wonders for his cause...
Rules: Singles Match
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: The Satanic Angel
-=-=-=-
OPENING BOUT
SINGLES MATCH
Archie Griffon vs Michael Cross
->After being away from the Ess Dub Eff for... some time, Arch Griffon returns! When we last saw him, he was the man able to wrest the International Title away from Jay Hawke's white knuckled grasp. Since then, Hawke has gone on to have one of the longest reigns in Federation history! Griff gets a chance to shake off the rust against rookie Michael Cross, who continues to impress.
Rules: Standard singles match.
Word Limit: 4000
Send To: Justice
(Send all promos/marked matches to Justice)
(Longdogger Pete is not on commentary for this show, as a result of what happened on AftershoX. As noted, Ben Hardy is in his place. Pete will return for Smarkdown)
-
Fucking Christ, that's a lot of promos.
Card up eventually, whenever I actually finish reading them all.
-Z
-
... Backstage ...
"I can't believe this!" yells the Crimson Skull, picking up a chair, and thrusting it into the wall. "I lost to a man that was dead to the world just last week!"
"Calm down, Skull." Heff barely spits out, before realizing that he's being eyed by a furious Supervillain.
"Calm down? Calm down?! I am fucking calm! What's wrong with me that I can't even win a match?! The biggest night of my career was Sunday night, and I looked like a fool!"
"I thought you looked..."
"SHUT UP!" Skull leans back against the wall. "You know what, it's not my problem. This isn't my fault."
"You're right... you're just a... um... victim of circumstances!"
"Yeah!"
"There's nothing wrong with you, it's everything else!" Heff tries to rally his boss' spirits.
"Yeah! And you know what is at the core of that problem?" Skull posses and obviously rhetorical question.
"... You." Skull grimaces and locks his stare onto Heff. "It's your fault that I'm losing. You're no help to me at all! What am I paying you for?! You've never pulled your own weight, not even once! Even a slug can pull it's body across the ground, I'm not even sure you can do that! The bottom line is... if I don't start winning, then you're fired!"
Skull heads straight towards the door...
"And get me a title shot!"
... and slams it behind him. Heff stands there in shock for a moment, his head hanging in shame. He looks around the room before moaning one final word.
"... fired?"
-
SWF Aftershox returns from the Cow Palace where the ecstatic fans are rallied for the upcoming main event. The camera pans through the throngs of rowdy fans who flash their signs or show their merchandise until it reaches ringside. Ben Hardy sits in place of Longdogger Pete and the Suicide King sits next to him with a frown.
“Welcome back,” Ben Hardy says, acting as a replacement for LDP, “we are back and ready for the main event. We are still off the heels of the amazing Clusterfuck and this show has been just as hot.”
King sighs. “Honestly, are you two the best we could do as replacements?”
The camera pulls back to reveal the one and only, Bobby Riley. “Oh come on King, two men are always better than one,” he innocently says.
King tries to pass his laughter off as a cough but fails miserably.
Riley innocently asks, “What? You can’t honestly say that two men can never be as exciting as three. Two’s company, but three’s a crowd, you know?”
King shamelessly bursts into laughter.
“Anyway,” Hardy says to end the awkward moment. “It’s time for our main event and it looks to be absolutely insane. That’s right, the Insane Luchador, Andrew Rickmen, is making his return tonight!”
“That was an awful segue,” King mumbles as he misses his usual partner.
“He is here for some hardcore action,” Riley says while Hardy makes a preemptive slap at King’s shoulder. “He is going to face off against The Crimson Skull in a hardcore match.”
“Man, I could have sworn he was reported…”
“No,” King cuts him off quickly.
“THIS MATCH IS FOR ONE FALL AND IT IS A HARDCORE MATCH… THERE ARE NO RULES AND NO TIME LIMIT…”
Suddenly sparks explode from the stage as the fans begin to express their displeasure. Six scantily clad women, to numerous pathetic cat calls, come out from the entrance ramp.
Everybody dance now!
“Gonna’ Make You Sweat” by C&C Music Factory kicks up as The Crimson Skull and his assistant Heff step out.
“Now that is one thumpin’ bass beat,” Riley says.
The ripped Crimson Skull, evil hero extraordinaire, begins his way to the ring in his black spandex shirt, complete with red crimson skull, black tights, and a silver belt while his red cape flaps behind him. His loyal sidekick Heff fends off the outreaching fans.
“INTRODUCING… FROM KIEV, UKRAINE… WEIGHING IN AT 285 AND ACCOMPANIED BY HEFF- THE CRIMMMSSSOOOONNNN SSSSSKKKKKUUUULLLL!”
Riley is shocked at the fan’s reaction. “How can you cheer on a crazy dead guy but boo a superhero!”
“He’s not dead!” Hardy blurts.
“He’s an evil villain,” King sarcastically corrects.
The evil duo hit ringside and immediately head over to generic SWF employee #3 to intimidate the ringside crew. He bails out of his steel chair and Heff snatches it then folds it before handing it over. The Crimson Skull throws the chair into the ring and rolls in. He grabs the steel chair and stands tall in middle of the ring where his intimidating stature overwhelms his goofy appearance. On the outside Heff begins to yell final words of advice.
“The Crimson Skull has a steel chair and he looks serious,” Hardy says.
“…How can you tell, only his mouth is exposed?” King asks.
Two loud drumbeats blare followed by a grinding guitar riff. The fans burst into cheers as Alice in Chain’s “Man in the Box” begins to signal Insane Luchador’s return. The red and black pyrotechnics explode on the sides of the entrance ramp. Through the lingering smoke that hovers over the ramp the Insane Luchador is exposed. He looks around to the electric crowd as he is just how the fans remember him. He wears the same baggy khaki cargo pants, beaten black skate shoes, a black and red Zero “Dying to Live” t-shirt, black hair spiked up, and the same unnerving smile plastered on his face.
“There he is, alive and well,” Hardy says.
“Looking better than ever too,” Riley comments.
“Probably just as inept as ever too,” King replies.
“RETURNING… FROM EASTON, PENNSYLVANIA AND WEIGHING IN AT 221 POUNDS… IIIIINNNSSAAAANNNEEEE LLLLUUUCCHHHAADDOOORR!”
Insane Luchador steps past the entrance ramp into complete light and a very important accessory is seen. He holds his Excalibur, the infamous light tube sword, and lifts it into the air to gather more support. He sprints down towards ringside where Heff begins to move in. Luchador puts on the brakes and raises the sword into the air that sends Skull’s cohort cowering away. He smirks and looks up at The Crimson Skull while he carefully slides into the ring. He scrambles to his feet and walks right over to the man who towers over him by three inches and outweighs him by sixty-four pounds. Matthew Kivell steps in between the two and realizes the total absence of rules. He sighs and steps away to signal for the ring bell.
DING! DING! DING!
Insane Luchador and The Crimson Skull slowly circle in center of the ring as they both defensively hold their weapons. Suddenly the feel each other out as Luchador narrowly avoids a chair shot. He responds by trying to swing his light tube but whiffs as the Skull moves back. Heff chimes in at ringside with a very logical statement towards the Crimson Skull.
“In many senses this could become a handicapped match if Heff joins in,” Hardy says.
Skull and IL lunge out as if in a dual. The chair and light tube connect as IL’s Excalibur breaks into a million little pieces.
“I bet Luchador could really milk his experiences into a memoir,” King muses.
Insane Luchador glances down at the falling pieces as if surprised that steel can break glass. He makes a face of amusement and then looks up to The Crimson Skull but only sees a blur of steel. A vicious chair shot connects with Luchador on top of the head that plants him onto the canvas. The Crimson Skull drops the chair and lazily goes for a cover-
ONE! IL kicks out and rolls away to his feet. Skull picks the chair back up while Insane Luchador shoots him a look of surprise that he even bothers to pin him.
“It will take a lot more than a simple chair shot to take IL down,” Hardy says.
“That’s true,” Riley says. “But how can he possibly outlast a dastardly villain like The Crimson Skull?”
“You’re kidding me, right?” Hardy slowly responds.
The Crimson Skull makes a blatant charge with the chair held high over his head. Insane Luchador kicks him in the gut to halt his momentum then knees him in the face. He drops the chair and IL kicks it out of his range. He begins to bombard Rickmen with right hands until Luchador blocks one. He throws out a jab and an uppercut that dazes the Skull then finishes off the attack with an Irish whip. Insane Luchador runs into the opposite ropes and the two come charging back at each other. He leaps into the air and smacks his opponent down with a flying clothesline. He uses the momentum to roll out of the ring where he begins to hunt underneath the ring apron. There’s a moment of pause until he pulls out a light tube bundle.
“Man he’s really cutting to the chase here,” Hardy says.
“When you lack the talent to wrestle usually it’s a good idea to grab some blunt or sharp things,” King replies.
He slides the light tube bundle into the ring and continues to rummage around. The Crimson Skull rolls up to his feet and sees the bundle just sitting there. Meanwhile Luchador is fully engaged to find a weapon suitable to his taste and is obliviously to the creeping Heff. The cohort of chaos draws back and smacks Luchador in the kidneys with a kick. He just stands up and slowly turns around to get hit by a right hand that snaps his head to the side. Heff begins to retreat and looks up at Skull who holds the bundle high into the air. He throws it down and they shatter onto his back. This time he reacts as he stumbles forward and turns his attention to Skull. He stares up into the air and gets clubbed from behind by Heff.
“Insane Luchador is at a serious disadvantage here,” Hardy says.
“He just can’t handle being double teamed,” Riley says.
“Well if you were hit and dropped like this kid was, you’d always be at a serious disadvantage too,” King snickers.
Insane Luchador reacts quickly as he spins around and smacks Heff in the face with a spinning backfist! He drops to the cement and Luchador slides into the ring. The Crimson Skull begins to stomp on Rickmen before he can even stand to the fans’ disapproval. He grabs IL by the hair and tugs him to his feet. He tries to tie up with the Luchador but receives a quick jab to the face. Insane Luchador knees him in the gut and reaches over to lock in a side headlock. He cranks at The Crimson Skull’s neck but forgets the massive strength of his opponent as he’s shoved off into the ropes. The Skull bounces into the near ropes to be charging at IL. He collides with a vicious spear that smacks IL against the canvas. He hooks the leg while lying on Luchador-
ONE! Luchador kicks out again and rolls up to his feet as Skull stands up. The two tie up in center of the ring as they fight for positions.
“Insane Luchador really needs to use his speed here no matter how bad he wants to brawl,” Hardy says.
“Well don’t tell him that,” Riley says.
Finally Skull slaps Luchador’s arms away and grabs IL by the throat. He lifts him into the air and tosses him away. He already rushes towards the downed Luchador but gets taken down with a drop toehold. He slides over on the canvas and grabs the back of Crimson’s head. He slams him face first against the canvas and lifts up his head just to smack it down again. IL stands up and walks over to the steel chair that he picks up with morbid curiosity. He feels its weight out as if just amusing himself as Skull slowly gets to his feet. He charges forward and swings the chair into the air- viciously bringing it down onto Skull’s skull! The super villain’s weakness is exposed to steel moving at high speeds as he crumbles to the canvas. IL drops the chair and Heff senses trouble. He slides into the ring with a kamikaze charge. Luchador simply side steps him and gives a little push letting the momentum take care of the rest. He flies through the middle ropes and Luchador grins in satisfaction. Skull slowly begins to recover. He walks over to the glass shards left over from his Excalibur. He scoops them into his hand and sprinkles them over the chair. Skull groggily gets to his feet and Luchador wraps in a front headlock. Heff shouts as if it’ll do any good as Luchador snaps back to hit the Evenflow DDT onto the chair. He lets the lifeless villain flop over as he hooks the leg-
“ONE!” The fans chant.
“Oh come on!” King blurts.
“TWO!” “It’s like we’re rushing things,” Hardy muses.
“THREE!”
DING! DING! DING!
“YOUR WINNER… INSSAANNEEE LLLUUUCCCHHHHAAADOOORR!”
“Well that was an interesting return but IL comes out on top,” Riley says.
“Right but I have a feeling things aren’t over, so don’t go away!” Hardy says.
-Starwipe-
-
"Welcome back to SWF AftershoX," announces SWF play by play commentator Longdogger Pete, "live tonight from the sold out Cow Palace in San Francisco, California! It's been a thrilling week of SWF action. We are just five days removed from this year's Clusterfuck, and coming up next is tonight's main event, pitting the Crimson Skull against the returning Insane Luchadore in hardcore action!"
"IL is back again?" mutters an incredulous Suicide King at color commentary. "His ass was getting schooled way back when it was fashionable!"
"Hey, don't underestimate Insane Luchadore's talent," counters Pete. "It is said that he may have actually come back from the dead! That's never happened here in the SWF!"
King raises an eyebrow. "Wait, didn't Mr. Galatea once--"
"As I was saying," Pete interrupts, "this will be a big match for both competitors, because--"
Suddenly a series of white flashing lights illuminate the stage, and the opening chords of "I'm Alive" by Disturbed begin to play on the speakers. All eyes look to the stage, and out comes Kevin Coyote, dressed as usual in his jean jacket and his black SWF "InJustice For All" T-shirt. Surprisingly, for once, his cell phone is not in his hand; in fact, both hands rest in the pockets of his jacket. Coyote appears superbly focused as he makes his way down the ramp.
Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
We're living within the world of the jaded
They killed inspiration
It's my obligation
To never again, allow this to happen
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
Denying the sin
My art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me
"Kevin Coyote?" wonders Pete. "What the hell's he doing out here? He isn't scheduled for a match tonight!"
"I guess the guy's got something to say!" replies King.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Funyon announces from inside the ring, "please welcome... KEVIN... COYOTE!"
Coyote's arrival is met with loud jeering from the audience, but he merely shakes it off, sliding into the ring as his music continues to play.
The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Lonely, we'll not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
As "I'm Alive" fades out, Coyote takes his right hand out of his pocket and motions to Funyon to hand him the microphone. Funyon does so, and Coyote waits a moment for the booing to die down before speaking.
"As you all know," Coyote says, addressing the audience, "I was unsuccessful in winning the Clusterfuck match this past Sunday. That honor went to Wes Davenport--"
A round of applause goes up from the San Francisco crowd as they are reminded of Wes Davenport's impressive performance.
Coyote continues speaking on the microphone, while keeping his left hand jammed in his pocket. "--and he certainly deserves all the accolades he gets. As for me, I was the thirteenth man to enter and the fifteenth man to be eliminated. I was thrown out by the Ultraviolent Champion, Bruce Blank. Now I'll get my chance to get back at him soon enough - but that's another story, for another day. Today, I'm out here with an announcement to make."
"Well, here it comes," says Pete.
"Here what comes?" asks King.
"Whatever information William Hearford has that he's been holding over Coyote's head the last couple of weeks, threatening to go public with!"
"One of the SWF's road agents," says Coyote in the ring, "William 'Justice' Hearford, has linked me to a document that has recently come into his possession - a copy of my original birth certificate. He has threatened to go public with the information on it unless I do. So I cannot hold the truth back from all of you any longer. But first... there's someone I need to address, someone I need to face in the ring, right away. Longdogger Pete!"
"What?" asks Pete. "Me? Why's he calling me?"
"I guess he wants to talk to you!" answers King. Pete continues to hesitate, and King looks impatient. "Well, get up there already!"
Pete frowns, then takes off his headphones and stands up, vacating the commentary table and climbing into the ring. He stands up to his full and impressive height of six feet, six inches, and stares down Coyote.
"Longdogger Pete," says Coyote, his expression unreadable. "Otherwise known as Peter MacDougal. Eighteen year veteran of this business, a great wrestler, a great champion, and now," Coyote waves the microphone around in the air for emphasis. "A great guy on the mike as well."
Pete says nothing, wondering just what Coyote is getting at.
"I wanted you up here face to face while I told the world my secret," says Coyote. "You see... my name is not really Kevin Coyote. According to my birth certificate, it's not even Kevin Douglas. My real name... is Ethan... MacDougal... and that makes me... your son!"
"WHAT!" hollers King.
There is a collective gasp from the audience. Pete stands there, open mouthed, in total and utter shock. He mouths a few words that the microphone doesn't pick up. Coyote helps Pete out, handing the microphone over to him.
"A-after all this time," stammers Pete, his voice breaking, "it's you... I didn't realize it would be someone already in the bid'ness..."
"Is this even possible?" King says to himself. "Coyote is actually LDP's son?"
Coyote actually manages a smile, and in deference to his father, extends his right hand for a handshake.
Pete stares at it for a moment, then takes the proffered hand. Instead of a handshake, however, Pete pulls Coyote into an embrace, dropping the microphone in the process. The San Francisco audience begins to applaud.
"I hate happy endings," says King. "This is disturbing!"
Coyote takes a step back from Pete, pulling away from the hug. He stares at his father, continuing to smile at him...
...as he finally removes his left hand from his jacket pocket...
...as the audience sees the brass knuckles wrapped around Coyote's hand...
Pete, staring directly at Coyote's face, never sees it coming.
POW!
One sharp impact to the side of the face, and Longdogger Pete crumples to the mat like a sack of potatoes. The audience applause quickly changes to a more negative reaction.
"Now that's more like it!" squeals King in delight.
Coyote kneels over his fallen father, but doesn't let up, continuing to bludgeon the announcer, striking repeatedly across the face with his left hand, bruising and finally busting open Pete's head.
"Interesting," says King. "Looks like Coyote's a lefty. Funny how I only just noticed that now."
Coyote lifts up Pete's head to survey the damage he's done. He smiles at the sight of the blood trickling down Pete's face. Coyote begins shouting at Pete, and though he no longer carries the microphone, the cameras pick up a few faint words: "You like that, 'dog?' Huh? How do you like that, 'dog?'"
His words become quickly drowned out by the audience, picking up a chant of "KEV-IN SUCKS! KEV-IN SUCKS! KEV-IN SUCKS!" Coyote steps away from Pete finally, then climbs out of the ring. As he heads up the ramp, he is passed by a group of EMT's carrying a stretcher. He ignores them completely as he walks back to the stage.
"Well this doesn't look good for Longdogger Pete," says King, "as he has just been totally mutilated by his own son! Folks, we've got to go to a break, but what will happen when we come back? Will we have a substitute announcer for the main event? Or will I just be talking to myself? Find out next, right here on SWF AftershoX!"
The camera focuses on an image of the medics attempting to coax the 270 pound Pete onto the stretcher, then fades out on them as AftershoX goes to a commercial.
-
Coming Soon, another addition addition to the Wes Davenport Collection.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A whole world at war...
A military base somewhere in the American midwest. A familiar looking US Army lieutenant (Wes Davenport) is pacing up and down in front of all-black infantry company.
The forces of freedom united against a common foe...
"Gentlemen, all of Europe is counting on is. It is going to be the actions of OUR soldiers that decide the outcome of this war. And this means YOU soldiers!" he shouts, pointing at them. "We have to do what must be done to save this world and make sure nothing like this ever happens again. We are going to KILL those French bastards and impregnate all of their women!"
...and yet, still divided.
Wes walks down the first row of men, stopping to stare another familiar looking one in the face. "Do I make myself CLEAR?" "Yes, sir," the soldier sounds off. The camera closes in on him. "...motherfucker."
Wes Davenport is Lieutenant Thomas Teresa
Cut to Davenport walking alongside a Colonel. "Sir, I just don't understand why--"
"This is a tough mission, so that's why you got it. You know that, surely?"
"My name's Teresa, sir."
"Oh, sorry."
And Samuel L. Jackson is Corporal Martin Luther Vandros
Another scene, with Jackson and Davenport face-to-face inside his command tent. "You think I'm gonna' take orders from your white ass just because you outrank me, motherfucker?"
"Damn it, Vandros. You may not like me and I may not like you, but your the best man in this entire outfit!"
In a story about men...
The assault on Omaha Beach quickly comes into view. Soldiers leaving their landers get cut down in droves by swaths of machine gun fire. Explosions rock the beach. The camera closes in on Jackson as he crawls up the sand, before a massive explosion detonates right next to him. Wes jumps in and attempts pull the wounded Jackson up the beach. "Leave me, motherfucker! Leave me!"
"I don't leave any of my men behind, goddamn it!"
...Who became soldiers...
Another scene, this time in a military hospital somewhere in France. Jackson is bedridden, and Davenport is sitting at the end. "They forced you to resign your command? What is they motherfuckers thinking?"
"They think I'm crazy, Vandros. Ike doesn't believe me, but the Nazis are after something. A thing... to rule them all. If they find it, they could still win this war!"
"And whatchu want me to do about it, motherfucker?"
"Vandros, I know where it is. But I need your help."
"Motherfucker... you are crazy. But you saved my life, and I'd follow you to the ends of the Earth."
"Would you follow me... to Vietnam?"
Who became banded together for glory and won medals of honour on the battlefields of 1942 in the day of defeat... and were also...
Davenport and Jackson in a field. Both are weeping, and dramatically embrace each other.
"Man... I love you, man!"
"I love you too, motherfucker!"
...BROTHERS...
Wes and Samuel are suddenly seen charging over the lea of a hill, dressed in kilts and war harnesses, weilding broadswords and wearing facepaint. Behind them, a regiment of musket-wielding minutemen follows.
"FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Wes bellows as he runs headlong into a crowd of British redcoats, followed by the American revolutionaries. Jackson, however, stops short.
"Wait, what in the shit is going on here?"
...FOR AMERCIA!
"Goddamn it, they got here first!"
Jackson and Davenport somewhere in the jungles of Southeast Asia. German Panzers are engaged, inexplicably, with Viet-Cong forces.
"Can't we just let them Nazi and Commie motherfuckers blow each other up?"
"Yeah... if we don't get destroyed by them first."
Coming this spring to DVD, for the very first time.
"It's a ship!" Davenport points up, as a massive UFO suddenly appears, filling the night sky over the jungle. It centers over a squadron of Panzers, before charging up and firing a massive beam that obliterates all of the Nazis. "What the fuck? Aliens? Are they after the thing, too?"
"No... I think... they MADE the thing. The communists are aliens! ROBOT aliens!"
A story about how war affects us all.
The interior of an ancient Indian temple, presumably deep in the south of Vietnam. A Nazi officer is pointing a gun at a wounded Davenport, as well as Jackson. "You can't honestly expect to take over the world like this!" shouts Davenport, holding onto his leg. "The Thing isn't a toy! It will destroy you! And if it doesn't, the forces of freedom--"
"Enough! The curtain has only risen on our thousand year reich! But it has closed... on you..." the officer prepares to finish off Davenport, but a new voice interrupts.
"Vait. I vil finish off these meddling Americans myself!"
"Hitler!" Jackson gasps. "You ain't dead?"
"Zat's vat I vanted you to think!"
Own the greatest war film never released in any theatre.
The same setting, Hitler and Jackson face-to-face. Hitler is clearly Jeremy Irons in laughable makeup at best, trying desperately to hold onto a German accent.
"Ze only thing that can save your friend now is the power of the Thing! "But to get it... you vil have to go through me first."
"Motherfucker, you expect some bohemian corporal to be a match for me?" Irons laughs and tears off his uniform, revealing a chiseled physique.
"I vil show you why we deserve to be ze master race!" Jackson and Irons engaged in badly choreographed grappling, with clips showing Jackson getting the upper hand, knocking Irons to the floor.
"This is the end for you, my Furher... motherfucker."
"I zink not!" Irons trips Jackson, and then picks him up, throwing him onto his back in a familiar looking maneuver... "Mein Gott! Ze Furher has him in the THIRD RACK!"
COMPANY OF HONOURABLY BANDING BROTHERS
Cut to Wes and Jackson staring out over a cliff, into the sunrise. "If we work together, we can do anything. Overcome any boundry, any enemy!"
"You damn right, motherfucker. You goddamn right."
Mankind's darkest hour... mankind's greatest triumph...
-
"Time now to take a look back at the main event of the Clusterfuck," Ben Hardy says, bringing us back to the Aftershox studio. "El Luchadore Magnifico has been absolutely unstoppable since his return, and it was beginning to seem like no one would ever manage to take the title off of him..."
"... then, a few months ago, JJ Johnson got on a roll... a huge roll... he eventually entered the Cold Front Classic, and defeated TORU Takahara in the final round to earn a title shot at the Clusterfuck. Many people thought Johnson was poised to pull an upset, much like TNT did a few years back. Others were adamant in their claim that Magnifico was going to walk away with his championship in tact."
"Who was right? Well, let's take a look."
====
"After an intense start, the match began to go Magnifico's way..."
DING DING DINGImmediately after the first strike of the bell, Johnson suddenly breaks into a sprint and charges across the ring, bearing down on Magnifico with blinding speed! ELM is caught off guard but still manages to barely sidestep the charging former Ultimate Fighter. Johnson skids to a halt and immediately spins to face Magnifico, only to immediately eat a quick to jab to the face for his trouble. Not wanting to give JJ even the slighest chance to attack, ELM quickly pummels away at Johnson's chin and face, backing him into the corner with a series of nimble jabs. After landing about a dozen blows, Magnifico grabs Johnson by the arm and attempts to whip him across the ring, only to have JJ reverse it and send ELM rushing towards the far corner. Johnson takes off after Magnifico immediately following the whip, trailing only a couple steps behind the luchadore. ELM turns and crashes back-first against the corner's turnbuckles, the shock to his back quickly followed up by an even more violent one from the front as a charging JJ throws his knee deep into Magnifico's gut!
"Johnson quickly takes control of the match, as he sends Magnifico into the corner before smashing his stomach in with a running Knee Strike!" Pete excitedly reports.
Doubled over with a hand on his stomach, ELM slowly stumbles out of the corner, gasping for breath as he does so. Johnson takes a few steps backwards so that Magnifico is staggering towards him, putting JJ in a fine position to pull ELM into a Front Facelock. Johnson does just that before grabbing Magnifico by the waist of his tights and pulling him into the air, seemingly looking to spike ELM into the mat with a Brainbuster! However, Magnifico manages to twist out of Johnson's grip in mid-air, landing on his feet behind JJ and facing the same direction as him! The second Magnifico's feet hit the ground, he wraps his arms around Johnson's waist, trapping him in a Rear Waistlock. ELM then charges towards the corner directly in front of him, pushing Johnson in front of him like a living battering ram! Magnifico then uses his grip to pull the stunned JJ backwards and down to the mat with a Reverse Rollup!
"Beautifully done!" King cries. "Johnson gets greedy with his attempt at a Brainbuster, and Magnifico makes him pay for it in spades! I wouldn't be surprised if Johnson, inconsolable due to the reversal, were to simply give up right here and now."
ELM ends up sitting on Johnson's legs, putting as much weight as possible on them as he holds JJ down to the mat. Johnson struggles wildly to escape as the ref slides into position and begins counting...
ONE!
TWO! No! Johnson suddenly shoots his legs out, flipping ELM forward with the force of the kick! Magnifico lands hard on the back of his shoulders, but has little time to concentrate on that as Johnson, his legs already pressed down on ELM's shoulders, reaches above him and pulls back on both his legs! Magnifico's surprised and annoyed at the reversal, but at the moment is forced to concentrate on escaping the pin, as the ref is already on his knees and beginning the count!
ONE!
TWO! No! Magnifico grabs Johnson by the legs and wraps his own legs around JJ's neck, then pulls him down to the mat while sitting up, reversing Johnson's pin into another one of his own! Irritated at the constant interruptions, the frustrated referee restarts his count once more...
ONE!
TWO! No! Johnson simply breaks free of the pin this time, scrambling to his feet as ELM rolls backwards and jumps to his. Upon reaching his feet, Johnson promptly turns towards Magnifico and...
CHOP!
*SMAAAAACK*
"WHOOOOOOOOOO!!"
...only to immediately be blasted in the chest with a stinging Knife-Edge Chop! The fans "whoo" in a Pavlovian fashion as Johnson backs up a few steps, gasping for breath.
"Magnifico comes out on top in the duel of Rollups, and celebrates his victory by slicing open Johnson's delicate, sunken chest with a gorgeous Knife-Edge Chop!" King gushes mindlessly.
"I suppose that's one way of putting it." Pete begrudgingly admits. "Magnifico's doing fairly well at the moment, especially considering how strong JJ looked at the beginning of this contest."
Before Johnson even realizes it, he's been tripped up by a Drop Toe Hold, his forehead on a collision course with the second turnbuckle! JJ's forehead slams into said turnbuckle, drawing a sympathetic wince from the capacity crowd as he falls to the mat, cradling his head in his hands."And once again, we see the ill-advised, violent attacks of JJ Johnson countered by the smooth, fluid movements of El Luchadore Magnifico." King eloquently states. "I realize that Johnson isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think that he'd eventually catch on to the futility of his offense."
Magnifico pops back to his feet and grabs Johnson by the legs, then uses his grip to drag JJ into the center of the ring. ELM then delivers a few stomps to Johnson's shoulders and back, only to abruptly stop when he sees JJ start to push himself to his feet through the kicks. Magnifico suddenly turns and makes a break for the ropes behind him, bouncing off of them as JJ reaches his hands and knees. Magnifico then runs back towards JJ and hops into the air, kicking his feet out just as Johnson looks up! ELM slams said feet directly into JJ's face with a Running Dropkick, immediately knocking him back to the canvas as the agitated crowd releases a wave of spirited boos. Magnifico quickly scrambles onto Johnson and makes the cover, hooking his leg as the ref slides into position and begins counting...
ONE!
TWO! No! Johnson kicks out right after two, quickly putting an end to the audience's booing. Undeterred, Magnifico grabs JJ by the arm and quickly stands up, pulling Johnson to his feet as he does so. ELM then uses his grip to whip Johnson across the ring and towards the far ropes, which JJ bounces off of...before hooking his arms around the top rope, immediately halting his forward progress! Annoyed, Magnifico charges at JJ, who ducks down, grabs him by the leg, and then stands up, tossing ELM up and over the top rope behind him with a Backdrop! However, Magnifico manages to grab the top rope in mid-air and uses his grip to pull himself onto the apron! Somewhat confused by the lack of a "splat" sound, Johnson turns around...and is immediately grabbed around the neck by Magnifico! ELM then hops backwards off of the apron, pulling JJ down with him and driving his neck into the top rope with a Guillotine! Johnson springs backwards off of the ropes and falls to the canvas, his hands on his throat and his lungs gasping for air as an amused Magnifico looks on from the outside.
"Very well done! Bravo!" King cries. "It almost looked as though ELM would fall prey to Johnson's trickery, but that thankfully wasn't the case."
"Hooking the top rope with your arms is trickery now?" Pete asks before he can think better of it.
"Absolutely!" King practically shouts. "The basics of the Irish Whip are as follows; you whip the guy, he bounces off of the ropes and comes back at you. That's it. Messing with any step of that process is defying the very laws of wrestling nature."
"But soon, Johnson would find the opening he was looking for, and he began to take the Champion to town..."
Disgusted at JJ for having the nerve to kick out, Magnifico unceremoniously throws Johnson's legs off his shoulders and to the mat, before climbing back to his feet and leaving JJ alone on the canvas. ELM immediately makes a break for the nearby corner upon reaching his feet, beginning the ascent up its turnbuckles as Johnson begins to stir beneath him. Magnifico reaches the top rope fairly quickly, turning towards the ring as he does so. He sees JJ begin climbing to his feet, and decides to remain perched on the top turnbuckles for the moment, his hands clenching the top ropes and his eyes keenly focused on Johnson's ascent. Still looking fairly dazed from the force of the Powerbomb, JJ slowly climbs to one knee...before suddenly turning and leaping at the luchadore, taking Magnifico completely by surprise! Before ELM has a chance to react, Johnson simultaneously strikes the inside of Magnifico's legs, causing him to lose his balance and fall straight down on to the top turnbuckle! The luchadore's eyes widen and a wordless cry of agony escapes his gaping mouth as the crowd roars its approval of the crotch shot."What was the word you used before, King? Overambitious?" Pete playfully questions, as King angrily crosses his arms and looks away. "Magnifico seemed confident that Johnson would be stunned after being bit by La Bomba Fantastica, but he quickly and painfully learned otherwise when JJ surprised him and caused him to lose his footing on the top rope."
With Magnifico distracted by the intense amount of pain emanating from his groin, JJ is able to freely grab ELM by the arm that houses the damaged shoulder. Johnson grips Magnifico by the elbow and under the arm...and then twists his body and jerks ELM off of the top turnbuckle! JJ then falls onto his stomach while slamming Magnifico shoulder-first into the canvas, the impressed fans cheering for the Dragon Arm Screw as the luchadore grabs at his shoulder and cries out in pain. Johnson rolls on top of Magnifico immediately after he hits the mat, putting extra pressure on the luchadore's shoulder as he makes the cover. The crowd's enthusiasm grows while JJ reaches over and hooks the leg, doing so as the ref slides into position and begins counting...
ONE!
TWO!
TH-No! Magnifico gets a shoulder up at two and a half, sobering most of the live audience as he does so. Pain surges through ELM's shoulder as he kicks out, as he's violently reminded of the damage Johnson's incurred on that particular body part throughout the match.
"Johnson's kidding himself if he thinks this is the appropriate course of action to defeat Magnifico." King scoffs. "I'll remind the viewers at home that Magnifico has only tapped out once since his return, and that wasn't even during a singles match. If JJ can figure out a way to make ELM submit, which he definitely won't, I'll be amazed."
Johnson rolls off of Magnifico and quickly climbs to his feet, a expression of subtle but clear frustration on his face as he does so. JJ stands and immediately reaches down, grabbing ELM between the legs and under the arm. Johnson uses that grip to pull Magnifico off of the mat and right into the air, taking ELM and much of the live audience by surprise! JJ twists Magnifico's body around in mid-air, falls to one knee, and then drives ELM towards the mat, slamming Magnifico's damaged shoulder into his knee with a cringe-inducing Shoulderbreaker! Magnifico cries out in pain and unceremoniously falls onto the canvas, tightly gripping his shoulder as he writhes in agony on the mat. JJ reaches for the luchadore, but Magnifico seems to have had enough of Johnson for right now, as he rolls towards and beneath the nearby ropes to escape to the outside.
"Magnifico apparently needs a quick break from the action." An amused LDP notes. "He appears to be in severe pain, and could be hard-pressed to continue without a short respite."
ELM steps onto the floor and stumbles away from the ring, the curse-laced Spanglish spewing from his mouth drowned out by the booing of the hundreds of surrounding fans. A visibly annoyed JJ looks out at Magnifico for a second before suddenly turning around and making a break for the ropes behind him, drawing an anticipatory pop from the live audience. Johnson bounces off of said ropes and sprints across the ring, charging towards Magnifico at top speed! Somewhat concerned by the crowd's cheering, ELM turns towards the ring...just in time to see Johnson execute a gorgeous, hands-free leap over the top rope! JJ twists and flips his body in mid-air, wowing the already-delighted crowd as his entire form crashes into Magnifico's chest with a Corkscrew Pescado! The fans cheer louder than they have the entire match as ELM is violently knocked to the ground, followed a second later by JJ Johnson, who tumbles to the floor right after him. JJ takes a moment's rest before beginning the climb back to his feet, as the ref, from inside the ring, begins to count both men out.
ONE!
"Absolutely breathtaking Corkscrew Pescado from JJ Johnson!" Pete cries. "Most people don't associate such acrobatics with JJ, but he's more than capable of executing the occasional dazzling dive to the outside every now and then."
"I can't believe you can sit there and talk like that with a straight face." King snaps. "It's meaningless flip flopping like that that's watering down this great quasi-sport of ours. JJ should be ashamed of himself for shamelessly using such selfish, flashy offense."
JJ gets back to his feet fairly quickly, taking a second to shake off the impact of the fall before heading over to Magnifico, who's barely moved a muscle since hitting the ground. As the fans in front row cheer him on, JJ reaches down and grabs Magnifico by the arm, before using his grip to slowly pull the dazed luchadore to his feet. Once ELM is standing, Johnson whips him, sending the luchadore rushing across the floor and towards the far guardrail.
TWO!
As Magnifico approaches the rail and crashes into it back-first, spurring him to arch his entire body as a jolt of pain runs up his spine. Distracted by said pain, ELM doesn't seem to notice JJ breaking into a run on the other side of the floor, bearing down on Magnifico at a terrifying speed! Johnson lashes out with his arm as he approaches, apparently looking to land a Shotgun Lariat, but ELM seems to snap back to attention just in time, ducking beneath JJ's arm mere milliseconds before impact! Johnson manages to throw his hand out and grab the guardrail, stopping himself before he can run gut-first into it.
ELM rolls right in after him and quickly stands, doing so as JJ slowly begins climbing to his feet. But as he's doing so, Magnifico steps behind him, wraps his arms around JJ's waist, and hoists him off the mat, apparently looking to spike his neck into the canvas with a Wheelbarrow Suplex! However, Johnson throws his elbow backwards in mid-air, slamming it right into the bridge of ELM's nose and immediately ending his attempt at the Suplex! JJ manages to wriggle out of the stunned luchadore's grip and land on his feet in front of the luchadore, facing away from him. The second his feet hit the ground, Johnson makes a break for the ropes in front of him, bouncing off of them as Magnifico shakes off the effects of the elbow strike. JJ charges back towards ELM, and as he approaches, the luchadore lashes out with his arm, aiming it right at Johnson's neck with a Lariat! However, Johnson manages to duck beneath Magnifico's extended arm, at the same time shooting his arm out and wrapping it around ELM's neck! Before Magnifico even realizes what's going on, Johnson locks his hands, trapping the luchadore's neck and arm between his arms and locking him into the Olympic Hell!"Olympic Hell!" Pete cries. "Johnson has Magnifico locked in his signature Side Arm Triangle Choke, and is using it to put a great deal of stress on ELM's damaged shoulder!"
"Ridiculous." King spits. "I'm sure Johnson is proud of himself for locking in that prepostrous-looking submission, but Magnifico will be able to power out of it in no time and make JJ look even sillier."
As the fans roar their approval, JJ pulls his arms as close together as they'll go, squeezing Magnifico's arm against his neck and putting a great amount of pressure on his damaged shoulder. Realizing that he'd do good to get out of this as quickly as possible, the luchadore grits his teeth through the pain and uses his free hand to grab a big handful of JJ's hair. Magnifico yanks at Johnson's scalp with all he's got, which only serves to annoy Johnson, as his grip doesn't weaken one bit despite the painful hair pulling. ELM lets out a cry of agony and frustration, the pain in his shoulder increasing by the second. The ref asks Magnifico if he wants to submit, receiving only a weary shake of the head from the luchadore, who also appears to be weakening thanks to the choking part of the submission. Sensing a submission is near, every fan in the arena cheers their little heart out, doing their best to spur JJ on and choke Magnifico out. Determined to not let that happen, ELM reaches for Johnson's leg with his foot, looking to wrap it around JJ's shin, trip him up, and get out of the submission! But when JJ sees Magnifico's foot snaking around his leg, he suddenly lifts him into the air, turns, and then falls onto his stomach, pulling ELM down with him and slamming his neck and shoulder into the canvas with the Rolling Olympic Hell! The pop that rises from the crowd is massive in its magnitude, only growing louder when Johnson floats onto the luchadore and makes the cover! As the ref slides into position, Johnson reaches over and hooks the leg of the motionless luchadore...
ONE!
TWO!
THRRRRRRRRRNNNNOOOO!! Magnifico gets a shoulder up at the last possible moment, drawing a booming "OHHHHH!" from the disappointed crowd. ELM immediately grips his shoulder and grits his teeth after kick out, the pain now flowing freely through the damaged appendage.
"No! JJ hit his modified Sambo Suplex, but it wasn't quite enough to keep Magnifico down for the three count!" LDP breathlessly reports.
But as Magnifico reaches for Johnson's neck, JJ suddenly throws his head forward, slamming his forehead right into the bridge of ELM's nose with a vicious Headbutt! The crowd roars its approval as Magnifico immediately releases JJ's arm and shoots both hands to his nose, pressing down on it as a small trickle of blood flows out of the right nostril. With Magnifico sufficently distracted, JJ is able to step to his side and wrap his right foot around ELM's right. Johnson then grabs Magnifico under the left armpit with his right arm, pulls out his right arm with his left, and then leans forward and uses his hold on ELM to push his entire body backwards! Magnifico and JJ are virtually parallel to the mat when Johnson suddenly and violently throws himself onto his back, pulling ELM with him and slamming his face into the canvas with a Standing Crash Landon! The live audience cheers louder than they have all night as Magnifico bounces slightly off of the mat before coming to rest face-down and motionless on the canvas, apparently completely stunned by the force of the maneuver!"Standing Crash Landon! Oh my God!" Pete shouts above the din of the delighted crowd. "Out of nowhere, Johnson busts out the move that Landon Maddix used to put Magnifico down during their match in Amsterdam!"
"God damn it, that punk finds ways to piss me off even when he's not wrestling." King grumbles. "If JJ should somehow get a pinfall off of this, I'll tear my commentating liscense into tiny pieces."
"King, you don't have a liscense." Pete reminds him. "You just showed up at SWF Headquarters crocked out of your mind and demanding a job, so they unfortunately stuck you here."
"Magnifico could be in serious trouble here, and you're sitting there squabbling over minor details." King quickly changes the subject. "I'm ashamed of you, Pete."
Johnson takes a moment's rest after landing the Crash Landon, lying right next to Magnifico and staring blankly up at the lights. After a couple seconds, JJ rolls towards ELM, grabs him by the shoulder, and laboriously rolls the listless luchadore onto his back. Johnson then throws his body onto Magnifico's, drawing yet another pop from the overexcited crowd. JJ wearily reaches over and hooks Magnifico's leg, doing so as the ref slides into position and begins counting...
ONE!
TWO!
THHHHHHHHRRRRNNNNNOOOO!!
"OHHHHHHH!!"
Magnifico kicks out with the ref's hand millimeters from the mat! Visibly irritated, Johnson rolls off of the luchadore, slaps the mat, and begins to climb to his feet, leaving the stunned luchadore alone on the mat below.
"Thank God." King sighs while wiping sweat from his brow. "I can't tell you how furious I would be if a Landon Maddix move were to decide this match."
====
"With Johnson firmly in control of the match, it seemed like it was only a matter of time before we had a new World Heavyweight Champion... but anyone who's anyone knows you can't count El Luchadore Magnifico out."
Careful to keep his balance, JJ slowly stands on the top turnbuckle, facing away from the ring. Johnson looks out over the for a moment, seeing that every fan in his line of vision is focused directly on him, cheering them on as best they know how. JJ closes his eyes, takes a deep breath...and then leaps backwards off of the turnbuckle! Thousands of flashbulbs go off throughout the arena, bathing Johnson in light as he executes a breathtaking 720 Corkscrew in mid-air! JJ somehow ends up parallel to the ground and is about to drive his entire body right into Magnifico's gut...when ELM suddenly rolls out of the way, leaving Johnson to crash violently into the mat! The crowd's disappointment comes in the form of a deafening "OHHHH!" as JJ bounces almost a foot off of the mat before coming to rest, clenching his gut and gritting his teeth as he writhes in pain on the canvas."No! Johnson just missed!" Pete cries, unable to hide his disappointment. "JJ was so close to hitting with the Air Canada Moonsault, but Magnifico was able to get out of the way just in time!"
"Serves him right, I'd say." King joyfully proclaims. "Even you must be inwardly calling JJ stupid for straying from the shoulder work and attempting such a high risk move."
"Don't try to guess what my inner monologues are like anymore." Pete sharply warns. "You're completely wrong. Johnson realized that he was one high-impact move away from garnering a pinfall, and that even if he were to hook Magnifico into another submission, there's a chance he'd be able to escape from it before submitting. Attempting the Air Canada there was a risk on his part, but definitely a justifiable one."
JJ slowly but surely puts the pain racking his entire body out of his mind, slowly turning onto his stomach and beginning the long climb to his feet as Magnifico does the same a few feet away. Both men rise at about the same rate, that is to say, agonizingly slow. Anxious to get JJ on his feet, the crowd begins to cheer and chant, doing their best to spur JJ on.
"LET'S GO JAY JAY, LET'S GO!"
*CLAP CLAP*
"LET'S GO JAY JAY, LET'S GO!"
*CLAP CLAP*
"Would you people shut up?!" King snaps. "Bad enough I have to listen to your normal incoherent nonsense, but it's even worse when you're all saying the same stupid thing."
The cheer actually seems to work, as JJ quickens his pace somewhat, lunging to his feet as Magnifico remains stalled at one knee. Johnson falls into the ropes behind him, leaning against the cables and taking a much needed rest. However, when JJ sees Magnifico finally get to his feet, he grits his teeth and push himself off of the ropes, grabbing ELM by the arm shortly after he stands. Johnson then uses his grip to whip Magnifico across the ring, sending him rushing towards the far ropes. ELM bounces off of said ropes and charges back towards JJ, and as he approaches, Johnson steps up and wraps his arms around Magnifico's waist, capturing him in a Waistlock! However, before JJ can do anything with it, ELM behins to wildly drive his elbow into Johnson's forehead, desperate to escape the hold! JJ is resiliant at first, determined to land the Railgun Suplex...but Magnifico eventually wears him down, landing a particularly stiff Elbow Strike that allows him to wriggle free of Johnson's grip. ELM immediately steps to JJ's side after escaping the hold, then wraps his feet around Johnson's ankles! Before JJ has a chance to escape, Magnifico falls forward, tripping Johnson up with a Drop Toe Hold as he does so! ELM shoots his hands out mid-fall, wrapping them around Johnson's face and locking him into the Sangria Stretch as both men hit the mat! Magnifico yanks Johnson's neck backwards, tearing apart the ligaments within as the concerned crowd roundly boos the luchadore's actions.
"Whoo, that's more like it!" An overjoyed King declares. "Magnifico not only powered out of Johnson's pathetic attempt at a Railgun Suplex, but countered it into a Sangria Stretch!"
"Bad news for Johnson to be sure, but I've gotta say that this seems like a desperate move from Magnifico." Pete analyzes. "Even though the Sangria Stretch is a devastating submission, it puts a great amount of stress on the shoulder. If the Stretch doesn't garner a submission, it'll have done nothing but further damage Magnifico's shoulder."
The ref slides onto the mat and gets in JJ's face, asking him if he wants to submit. Johnson immediately and angrily shouts "NO!", right before shouting out in intense pain. JJ uses his hands to claw at Magnifico's, but his grip is vice-like; Johnson's clawing does nothing but irritate the luchadore, who leans back even further while yelling at JJ to submit. Johnson then claws at the mat and tries to pull himself towards the ropes, but he's in the center of the ring. JJ is unable to drag the combined weight of Magnifico and himself more than a few inches, nowhere near as far as he needs to go. Frustrated, JJ slaps the mat and cries out in pain, doing so as the concerned fans looks on, some of them booing and some of them watching in anxious silence. Johnson remains motionless for a few moments, simply suffering under the submission, until he begins to rock his body back and forth, apparently looking to turn Magnifico onto his back! Suddenly given hope, the crowd cheers JJ on as he rolls left and right, building up nearly enough momentum to turn ELM over! Magnifico curses loudly, releases one of his hands, and begins to bash away at the back of Johnson's head with his elbow! JJ immediately puts an end to his rolling, but the furious luchadore doesn't stop there, repeatedly pummeling his skull as the angry crowd boos louder than they have all night! Magnifico finally seems to calm down a bit, but that means he's composed enough to reapply the Stretch! Johnson, unable to escape the submission, releases a heartbreaking moan of anguish as Magnifico tears his neck apart with the submission.
"Hahaha, yes!" An exuberant King shouts. "No matter what Johnson tried, he wasn't able to escape! He's got to be mere moments away from tapping out at this point!"
"Frankly, I'm amazed that Magnifico's shoulder has held up this long." A concerned Pete admits. "At this rate, it's looking as though JJ just might submit before ELM is forced to release the Stretch!"
The ref once again asks JJ if he wants to submit, this time receiving no response from the weary competitor. A few moments later, Johnson slowly reaches out with a trembling hand, drawing thousands of shouts of "NO!" from the distraught audience. JJ's hand floats over the canvas, ready to betray Johnson and give up the match. With twenty thousand people in the arena and millions around the world watching in horror, Johnson lifts his hand higher, seemingly prepared to tap out...
...when Magnifico suddenly releases the hold, screaming in pain and frustration as he does so! As the relieved crowd releases a deafening pop, ELM grips his shoulder and rolls away from Johnson, writhing in pain as JJ lays face-down and motionless only a few feet away.
"No! No!" A delighted Pete shouts as King rips off his headset and curses up a storm. "Magnifico's shoulder gave out at the last moment! JJ's shoulder work pays off in ways he couldn't have foreseen, as he's saved from having to submit to the Sangria Stretch!"
The crowd maintains its ridiculous level of volume despite Magnifico and Johnson doing nothing but laying there, their bodies racked with pain. After what seems like hours but is actually only about fifteen seconds, ELM begins to slowly, laboriously climb to his feet, slowed down significantly by an arm that's been rendered almost useless. As such, when JJ begins to push himself to his feet a few moments later, he's able to catch up with Magnifico fairly easily, reaching his hands and knees only a second or two after the luchadore. Once again, the crowd cheers and chants as one, completely united in their desire to see Johnson get to his feet and continue his fight against Magnifico.
"It may just be because he's fighting Magnifico, but would you just listen to these fans support JJ Johnson?" Pete shouts over the live audience. "They are ready to see JJ defeat Magnifico and become the new World Champion!"
Finally, ELM reaches his feet, stumbling somewhat as he does so but managing to maintain his balance. A second later, JJ lunges to his feet...only to be immediately grabbed by Magnifico and lifted into the air! ELM spins Johnson's body around in mid-air and is about to drive him downwards for La Dia de los Muertos, only to have the additional stress on his elbow stop him dead in his tracks halfway through! Johnson wriggles out of ELM's grip, but instead of simply falling behind him, JJ scissors Magnifico's arm with his legs while still on his shoulders! Johnson then wraps one arm around Magnifico's face before throwing his entire body backwards, pulling ELM down with him as he falls to the mat! While maintaining the Scissors and the Crossface, JJ reaches for Magnifico's arm, the one that happens to house the damaged shoulder, and twists it into a Chickenwing behind ELM's body! The live audience is confused at first, but when they recognize the submission, they roar louder then they've roared all night, easily drowning out the luchadore's piercing cries of pain!
"Oh my God!" Pete cries while slapping his forehead. "Wing Span! JJ Johnson has locked Magnifico in the Wing Span, the deadly finisher made famous by his stablemate, Jay Hawke!"
"Damn it, can't this jerk at least use his own moves?!" King snaps, irritated. "At least this isn't as bad as stealing one of Maddix's, but I can't execuse Johnson's constant theft of other people's maneuvers."
"Uh, King, maybe you should be a little more concerned about the ridiculously intense pain that Magnifico seems to in." Pete advises. King stares at LDP for a second, his mouth agape, before turning his attention to the ring, suddenly very concerned.
The ref drops to his knees and gets right in Magnifico's face, asking him if he wants to submit. ELM throws his head from side to side, his eyes closed and his teeth gritted. Seeing the ropes in front of him, Magnifico plants his feet and tries to drag himself over to them, believing that to be his best way to escape the submission. However, that plan turns out to be a bit too ambitious, as ELM isn't able to drag both him and Johnson more than a few inches across the mat. JJ wrenches the Chickenwing even higher up Magnifico's back, drawing a piercing cry of pain from the luchadore. The ref again asks him if he wants to submit, this time receiving no response from the luchadore.
"This is playing out much as it did a few moments ago when Magnifico had Johnson captured in the Sangria Stretch." Pete observes. "But in this case, there's nothing keeping JJ from indefinitely maintaining the hold. If he can't figure out a way to escape the Wing Span, Magnifico will be forced to submit and relinquish the Championship!"
Sensing that the end is near, every fan in the arena rises to their feet and cheers their little heart out, the moment they've been waiting for finally coming after so long. However, ELM seems intent on disappointing them, as he refuses to submit despite constant questioning from the referee. Suddenly, Magnifico plants his feet again, pushing himself off of the mat somewhat and giving him a bit of leverage. ELM then shifts his body back and towards Johnson's head, pressing his shoulders onto the canvas! With the bit of movement he has left in his scissored hand, Magnifico grabs both of JJ's ankles, holding his legs together as the ref slides into position and begins counting!
ONE!
JJ realizes what's going on and releases the Crossface...
TWO!
JJ lets go of Magnifico's Chickenwinged arm, leaving ELM to simply fall onto his chest...
JJ pulls his legs apart, breaking Magnifico's hold on them...
THHHHHHHHRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!! Johnson finally gets his shoulders off of the mat, but he's a half second too late! The stunned crowd is almost instantly silenced as the ref jumps to his feet and signals for the bell!
DING DING DING
"Your winner, by pinfall, and STILL, SWF World Heavyweight Champion..." Funyon bellows. "EL LUCHADOOOOOOOOOOORRE MAGNIFICOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Magnifico immediately rolls away from Johnson and under the ropes closest to the ramp, stepping to the outside as a confused, infuriated JJ wonders what the hell just happened. Energized by pure, unadultered anger, Johnson jumps to his feet and grabs the referee by the shirt, demanding to know how Magnifico garnered a pinfall just now.
"Yes! YES!" King jumps out of his seat and pumps his fist into the air. "Don't you EVER count Magnifico out! He'll NEVER give up!"
"I...I'm not even sure what just happened." A thunderstruck Pete confesses. "One second Magnifico was suffering under the Wing Span, the next, he's pinned Johnson and won the match!"
"I guess I'll explain it to you, then." King offers, more than happy to do so. "Magnifico was able to press Johnson against the canvas by lifting himself off of the mat and then arching his body back and to the side, pushing JJ down to the mat. It would have been hard enough for Johnson to untangle himself before the three count, but by grabbing JJ's legs and holding them together, ELM significantly reduced Johnson's ability to kick out."
"By the time he had freed his legs, it was too late." King smugly states. "And may I just say, this a perfectly fitting ending to this match. Johnson admittedly had Magnifico in a dangerous position. But not only was ELM able to escape the Wing Span, one of the deadliest submissions in the federation, he was able to reverse it into a pin and win the match right then and there."
The terrified referee tries his best to explain what happened, gesticulating wildly and trembling beneath JJ's grip as he does so. Having heard enough, Johnson throws the ref to the canvas and charges towards the side of the ring Magnifico just exited through. His hands clenching the top rope, Johnson practically screams at the referee, insisting that he get back into the ring. Halfway up the ramp, ELM pauses and turns towards the ring, his eyes meeting JJ's. Magnifico's expressionlessly stares at Johnson for a few seconds...until a cheerful grin slowly creeps across his face. ELM turns on his heel and continues up the ramp, causing an absoultely furious JJ to curse loudly and violently strike a nearby turnbuckle.
"Johnson is absolutely incensed, and I can't blame him." Pete grimly assesses. "He had done everything right in this match; he was able to escape every attempt Magnifico made at a pinfall or submission, and was mere moments away from making ELM submit and winning the World Championship."
"Do I have to spell this out for you?" King asks, exasperated. "Magnifico isn't where he is because he's stronger or quicker than everyone else. I'll be the first to admit that. ELM has been such a fantastic World Champion because, frankly, he's more clever than anyone else in this federation. And he'll be the World Champion until someone can outsmart Magnifico as well as outfight him."
Pete doesn't say a word. He's as nearly depressed and shocked as the live audience, who can only watch in silence as Magnifico makes his way towards the back, leaving JJ behind him. Johnson can only watch as ELM disappears behind the curtain, a wide, exuberant grin on his face...
FADE OUT
====
"And there you have it," Hardy says as we come back to the studio. "It was a hard fought, somewhat controversial victory, but in the end Magnifico retains his championship. Barring any unforseen circumstances, it will be Wes Davenport versus El Luchadore Magnifico at From the Fire. Talk about a mismatch, huh?"
"Y-"
"Don't answer that."
"..."
"Stick around - we've got more Aftershox action coming up next!"
Fade out...
-
Come in to Taco Bell now, where our new dollar menu selections will have you saying:
"I'm full!" shouts a man, standing on top of the Grand Canyon, holding a burrito.
The new Taco Bell Dollar Menu! With a selection of a half-pound bean burrito, two tacos, a spicy chicken chalupa, and dozens of other choices, it will make you remember what it's like to be full!
"I'm full!" cries a woman, standing atop Mount Everest, holding a taco in each hand.
We now cut to the inside of Madison Square Garden - Matt Myers stands in the middle of the ring, a chalupa in one hand and a microphone in the other. Being cheered on by thousands and thousands of fans, he leaps atop a turnbuckle and shouts
"I'm full! I'M FUUUUUUUULLLLLLL- AGH! What the-rgh!MF!GETOFFMGNMGGPPHH!"
"You're not full," El Luchadore Magnifico says as he yanks Myers off the turnbuckle, "until you've had one of these! The New BurriTaco Magnifico! It's a one-pound Burrito that's inside a taco, for only a dollar! What will they think of next?"
Magnifico turns to Myers, who is attempting to crawl away - in a split second, Magnifico grabs the microphone and clobbers him on the back of the head!
"Now open wide!"
"MMFF! GRRMMPPHH-"
*HACK* *COUGH* *COUGH*
*SPLUTTER*
*SOUND OF BURRITACO BEING COUGHED UP*
"CAN'T... BREATHE..."
Magnifico releases Myers, whose head drops to the mat.
"Looks like he's full," Magnifico says with a chuckle, and he begins to walk away as paramedics rush to the scene. They administer CPR, and a few moments later, Myers coughs up bits of taco shell and begins to breathe again.
"You asshole!" he shouts, pointing at Magnifico. "You almost killed me, you crazy bastard! I'm not going to take this kind of abuse anymore! I'm getting a restraining order! I'm-"
Magnifico pivots around, wielding two more BurriTaco's, and we fade to black, with the anguished screaming of Myers bringing us to the end of this advertisement.
Taco Bell - Think Outside The Bun
"Full yet?!"
"Get away from me, you freak!"
SWF Storm - Feburary 18th!
in Smarks Wrestling Federation
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The Smartmark's Wrestling Federation Presents...
SWF STORM!
LIVE, SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18th, FROM THE SOLD OUT KEYARENA IN SEATTLE, WASHINGTON!
(7:00pm PST, 10:00pm EST; check local listings)
The Lethal Lottery is underway! Tonight, we see some more matchifications, with plenty of cross-pool action, and a gentlemen's encounter between Bruce Blank and Insane Luchadore? That can't be right - but it is! Plus, the battle of the big mouths, and our World Champ in action!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Main Event (non-title)
El Luchadore Magnifico © vs. "The Icon" Max King ©
---> We need to keep our champions in shape, after all. At From the Fire, Magnifico's got Wes, and MaddiKing's got... someone... but in the mean time, we can't let them get rusty. Max King gets a crack at the unbeatable Magnifico in tonight's show-stopping Main Event!
Rules: Standard singles match.
-=-=-=-=-
Lethal Lottery Match (Pool D)
Todd Cortez and Allan Hadrian (0/0) vs. Jay Hawke © and Arch Griffon (0/0)
---> Most rookies get their start against the likes of Ced Ordonez, but due to the timetable of the Lethal Lottery, Allan Hadrian's first match in the SWF is one of the highest-caliber tournament matchups yet! Jay Hawke and Todd Cortez clashed last show, with Hawke coming out the (not so clean) victor - Cortez will definitely be looking for payback. And we all know there's some history between Griffon and Hawke... how will the wildcard Hadrian play into all this?
Rules: Standard tag team match.
-=-=-=-=-
Lethal Lottery Match (Cross-pool)
The Crimson Skull and Jason von Dierch (0/1) vs. Christian Fury and Mistress Sarah (0/1)
---> Moral victors of Smarkdown battle it out to break even on their tournament records!
Rules: Standard tag team match.
-=-=-=-=-
Lethal Lottery Match (Pool B)
"Hollywood" Spike Jenkins and Zyon © (1/0) vs. Ghost Machine 2.0 and Matt Myers (0/1)
---> Victorious in their first match, Team SpYon looks to close the book on the other Pool B Team, and propel themselves to a 2-0 record before their cross-pool match. But look out - the cosplay master and a guy who might be a robot stand in their way!
Rules: Standard tag team match.
-=-=-=-=-
Bruce Blank © vs. Insane Luchadore
---> CLASH OF THE TITANS~!...
... OF HARDCORE!
... in a... standard... match?
An oddity, to be sure, but that's life - Bruce Blank and Insane Luchadore, both icons of the Hardcore/Ultraviolent/Not-Very-Nice division, look to settle their differences in a civilized setting.
Rules: Standard singles match.
-=-=-=-=-
Lethal Lottery Match (Cross-pool)
The Asian Underground (Akira Kaibatsu and Michael Cross) (1/0) vs. Ced Ordonez and Laberinto (0/1)
---> The Asian Underground made a big statement with their opening match in the tournament, and with all the odd couples about, many say they're poised to go far in the Lottery.
To go farther, though, they'll have to take on the not-so-victorious team Ced Ordonez and Laberinto! Can the masked wonder and the dancing machine pull out the win?
Rules: Standard tag team match.
-=-=-=-=-
Opening Bout
Amy Stepens vs. Kevin Coyote
---> A little preview of an upcoming Lottery match - two loudmouths, one of Team BlAmy and one of Team KevAdore, battle it out for our amusement!
Rules: Standard singles match.
-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
SPECIAL BONUS MATCH
Jimmy the Doom vs. An Octopus
---> Be careful what you wish for.
Rules: HARDCORE.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-