Mystery Eskimo

I'm pretty sure the backing vocals are supposed to be funny. Like the song itself. Its not their best song, but I like the new album. Its not a patch on the first album- Radiation Vibe just owns all- and there's nothing as good as "Trouble Times" from the 2nd LP, but its still good pop.

Because they look good while being stiff. Holly looks exactly the same as if he were as light as Lance Storm.

It could be worse, they could have brought in Bagwell.

Finally got the game today...8 hours later have taken a break, when my inability to get anyone to submit to the Crippler Crossface in a Benoit season got to me. I get the submission bar almost to the end but the bastards still won't tap, even after 4 or 5 crossfaces. Maybe I'm bad at tapping buttons or something. Otherwise, all good.

I agree...its falling victim to pressures of hype and expectation.

Woops. Bad Eskimo. Bad.

Slightly disappointing show this week. Promo's were excellent and storylines working well but lack of matches kinda killed it. Which is my fault as much as anyones, I was planning a match but dogged it into a parking lot brawl instead. Hopefully the idea of the 3 way power struggle got over anyway. For a rating, I'll say a generous 6. Ted Weddy continues to be GOLD

Awesome name. SJ, are you writing the gauntlet?

Old skool WWF vs WCW Hogan, Piper, Savage, Perfect & Andre vs Sting, Vader, Rude, Steamboat & Flair

Just got back from seeing it myself. Dull, pompous talking and great action, which was pretty much what anyone would have expected. The ending seemed fine to me, I don't have any complaints.

Is it down now or is my computer just hatin on me?

A close choice between Jackie and Pulp. I think I'd go for PF just because its so damn cool.

Shuffle vs Mario, if you can write it. Parka- if you can post that'd be great.

C'mon people, some more of you must have read the show. Rate and comment please.

The Soft Bulletin is one of my favourite albums of all time, and live they rule all. Definetly amazing.

Congrats Aecas~!

I'm looking forward to the Smackdown series match, which should be fun if nothing else. The rest I can leave.

If you (Banky, whoever) hates smarks, why post at a board called the smarkmarks? There's a bit of a clue in the title as to the type of fans you'll find here. And if you really dislike WWE smartmarks that much, why not avoid the folder? Everyone knows how dull it is anyway.

CREDITS Teddy Weddy La Parka #1 MST3K Mark (PRL) Stephen Joseph Alfdogg Jay "dusktilldawn" Darring Mystery Eskimo

:: A dark screen fades in, before bright graphics start to flash up :: 5! ? 4! G Money~! :: Shot of G Money pounding on the Shuffle :: 3! The Shuffle~! :: Shuffle superkicking G Money :: 2! The Blurricane~! :: Blurri chokeslamming PRL :: 1! Puerto Rican Lightning~! :: PRL holding up his title belts :: THE INTENSE 5.... NEXT MOVE. GO. RATM's "Guerilla Radio" blasts out, as we cut to a wide shot of the IZ arena, a sell out crowd on their feet to welcome another edition of the original and best OAOAST programming. JR WELCOME TO INTENSEZONE! We're INTENSE, and BAH GAWD, we're in the ZONE! Tonight we'll be bringing you an exclusive interview with Stephen Joseph that promises to bring some HUGE news, plus more action in the I5 rankings and, no doubt, the usual shenanigans of Mr. Dan Black! Let's get to it!

JR It's all been going down tonight fans, and we're almost out of time. But- I'm hearing JESSE VENTURA is in the building! Let's see this! :: cut to the parking lot, where Jesse~! is standing with Stephen Joseph~! :: JESSE Thanks for making this match at Deadly Games, SJ. I'd like to be the first member of your corporate team. STEPHEN It'd be an honor, Jess. In fact- :: SJ is cut off by a loud shout, as ALFDOGG comes running out of the arena! :: ALF What the hell is this about, Popick? You trying to stack the cards against the Deadly Alliance? STEPHEN Right Alf, like Dan's team and I will work together? ALF I don't like, or trust, him anymore than I do you! Now I want to know something. STEPHEN I'm standing right here. ALF It's important. Now, - :: Alf swings and nails SJ with a sucker punch! Stephen is knocked to the ground and Alf turns - straight into a blow from Jesse that staggers him! Ventura advances on Alf but the DA leader connects with a knee to the groin! Alf picks up the winded legend and is about to go for a POWERBOMB onto the concrete when he's grabbed from behind by JINGUS out of nowhere! JINGUS clubs Alf with stiff forearm shots, and is about to go for a career ending DEVILBOMB to the floor when G Money and Mario jump him! JR BAH GAWD! It's getting crazy out there! Money and Mario slowly beat JINGUS down to one knee, pounding on him...but suddenly step back and assume fighting poses as Jesse and Stephen Joseph are back up! Both sets of men pause as Dan Black runs out, accompanied by his security team of Jake Karma, Steve Scott and Hades! With JINGUS back up, there's a moment of calm before the three groups start to tear into each other! Dan Black gets a stunner on G Money, but is immediately SPEARED by Alfdogg, who pummels him with punches! JINGUS powerslams Hades onto the concrete! Stephen and Jesse brawl with Mario and Jake Karma, as baseballs bats and chains start to come into play! JR MAH GAWD, this is totally out of control! We need to stop this! Black CRACKS JINGUS from behind with a bat! Mario whips Steve Scott into a parked car which buckles! Jesse boots Alf but gets taken out by G Money from the side! Police sirens sound as patrol cars start to flood into the parking lot! JR They're not in a wrestling arena, this is just a street brawl! The police need to protect people from this! The brawling mass is joined by a flood of cops, some of whom grasp hold of combatants, others get kicked, punched and slammed away! Dan Black is busted open by a shot from a chain from Alfdogg! JINGUS is bleeding from an attack from Jake Karma! JR Blood is being spilt out there- BAH GAWD, this battle for power over IntenseZone is becoming a WAR! We have to go, we're out of time, see you next week!

Matches, promos, skits here. With Jingus being knocked out of the I5, there's a place free at number 5. Who wants a match to get that spot?

*The AngleTron lights up with Puerto Rican Lightning's face on it. The crowd boos the moment his face is shown. The image of a smiling PRL changes to another image of PRL, this time of him holding the Puerto Rican Championship after a win. The crowd continues booing waiting for PRL to show up. As the AngleTron continues showing image after image of PRL, music is being played in the background. The music is slow and comatose. It's easy to listen to as violins play throughout. A man whispers the word "Chance" throughout as a heavy metal guitar begins to play. On the AngleTron, the image of PRL changes to an image of a choked up PRL. Then an angry PRL. Then a sad PRL. Finally, another smiling image, but this time in a more psychotic matter. The AngleTron switches to a Puerto Rican flag with, in big blocky letters, the words LIGHTNING CREW appear. A lightning bolt hits the stage and fog and pyro fire up. The crowd boos again as "No Chance In Hell" starts up.* *No Chance (No Chance), that's what ya got (Ha, Ha, Ha. Yeah). * JR: Oh no. It's The Lightning Crew. What are they doing here now? *The AngleTron shows the videos of each Lightning Crew member with the additions of the three new Lightning Crew members. After PRL is shown, the video shows a grey background with Colombian Heat's face etched into it. At the bottom right hand corner of the screen is a Colombia flag. On the left side of the screen, in big white blocky letters, the words COLOMBIAN HEAT appear. At the top of the screen plays a video of Colombian Heat giving Blurricane the Colombian Necktie. Then jawing with the fans. Then giving the symbol for the Colombian Necktie. Then posing and doing gang signs in a broken down warehouse. Then smirking.* *After Vitamin X is shown, the video shows another grey background with Thomas Rodreguiez's face etched into it. At the bottom right hand corner of the screen is an American flag. On the left side of the screen in big, white, blocky letters are the words THOMAS RODRGUIEZ. At the top of the screen, a video plays of Thomas Rodreguiez flipping off "Shooter" Jay Darring. Then making the 3 count. Then sneering. Then smiling. Then pointing his finger at the camera.* *Finally, another grey background is shown with the man who attacked Blurricane at World Without End's face etched into it. At the bottom right hand corner of the screen is a Cuban flag. On the left side of the screen in big, white, blocky letters his name is revealed. His name is CUBAN WALL. At the top of the screen a video plays of Cuban Wall sneering at the camera. Then choking Blurricane with the chain. Then giving Blurricane the Train Wreck. Then punching the camera. Then smiling. Then sneering.* No Chance (You got no chance) No Chance In Hell!!!* *Finally, from the fog and smoke, comes the Lightning Crew. The crowd boos loudly as usual as the Lightning Crew all come out together. Thomas Rodreguiez jumps up and down like a monkey blowing a whistle and wearing a goofy looking doorag on his head. Puerto Rican Lightning comes out laughing evily with the OaOasT North American Championship belt over his right shoulder, and the Puerto Rican Championship belt over his left shoulder. He has his right arm around Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez's shoulders and is wearing Blurricane's mask and a blood soaked white t-shirt. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is carrying a picture of "Shooter" Jay Darring covered in graffitti and markers with "I SUCK" written on top of the picture. PRL is also wearing a Naz Mistry mask on top of the Blurricane mask. The man known as Cuban Wall recieves a handshake from PRL as Thomas jumps up and down. The Lightning Crew walk to the ring, recieving boos the whole time and "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" chants. P *You got...NO CHANCE!!! (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah). NO CHANCE IN HELL!!! (No Chance In Hell)* JR: 2 Weeks ago at World Without End, Puerto Rican Lightning defeated Blurricane to retain the OaOasT North American Championship by the skin of his teeth. If it weren't for that mysterious man who choked out Blurricane, Blurricane would have been the NA Champion today! But that damn PRL is obsessed with keeping the NA Title that he is getting all the help he can get! And what a sign of disrespect! Wearing Blurricane's mask that he stole from the very man at World Without End! *"No Chance In Hell" continues to play throuugh the P.A. system as The Lightning Crew enter the ring. The crowd boos loudly as PRL sneers at them. Each member enters seperately with PRL coming in last. He spins around showing his belts than does the HBK-pose while pyro goes off behind him. PRL heads to a turnbuckle to pose with his belts to boos. He then goes to another turnbuckle and poses with the belt Rock-Style. The crowd boos as Lightning does a superhero pose to mock Blurricane. He kisses Lindsay then grabs the microphone as Cuban Wall jaws with the fans.* JR: I am interested in what Puerto Rican Lightning is going to say especially who is that mysterious man who attacked Blurricane? These Lightning Crew members are drinking PRL's kool-aid. Believing whatever he says. Following him to the ends of the Earth. They're obsessed with him. *"No Chance In Hell" by Lloyd & Boyd dies down as the crowd continues booing. Puerto Rican has a microphone and prepares to speak as the crowd chants "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL walks around the ring smiling evily as he prepares to speak. Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall stand side by side guarding Lightning as Vitamin X, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and Colombian Heat stand in awe and Thomas Rodreguiez circles the ring.* Puerto Rican Lightning: I FEEL GRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! *The crowd boos as PRL smiles some more. More "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" chants.* JR: I feel disgusted whenever PRL shows up. PRL: You know, for two straight weeks, I had time to cool off from World Without End. And believe me, it felt so good sitting back and soaking in my victory. And it felt even better last week finding out that I, as of now, am the #1 Ranking in the Intense 5 Ranking System making me the #1 Contender for the OaOasT World Heavyweight Title! *More booing from the crowd. PRL smiles. "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!"* Puerto Rican Lightning(Continuing): For the past few weeks, it has felt GREAT being Puerto Rican Lightning! I got the belts. I got the friends. And I got the girl. My life couldn't be any more better and I am so happy that I get to come out here every week and show my awesome, great life in front of all you miserable, disgusting, ugly, stupid pieces of trailer-park trash! JR: PRL is so arrogrant he gives arrogrance a bad name! The man should be ashamed of himself but he has no remorse for anything he does and anyone he hurts. He had no remorse for Mad Cappa. He had no remorse for Lauren Gellar. And he had no remorse for Blurricane at WWE! PRL: Now.... *PRL is interrupted by loud chants of "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL sneers.* JR: This crowd not too kind to the NA Champion. PRL: Get the jealousy out of your system I'll wait. I can be here all night if you want, you know you all love me! *Loud boos.* PRL: Now, 2 weeks ago at World Without End, I proved to all my doubters that I ain't no joke unlike the man I defeated for the NA Title, K-SUCK! Blurricane is nothing but an insecure man trying to be a superhero when he is a superchump. Just like my shirt said at WWE, I am Blurricane's Kyprtonite and I am THE BEST DAMN NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION IN OAOAST HISTORY!!! *Boos.* PRL(Continuing): Blurricane, my friend, you have been added on to the list of people I have hurt, tortured and destroyed since I entered the OaOasT back in March. Think about it, in the 8 months I've been here, I have made an impact that no one expected. I am the most charasmatic, the most athlethic, the most handsome, and the most unique superstar on IntenseZone. I am a better speaker on the mic than The Rock. I am a better techinal wrestler than Chris Benoit. A better cruiserweight than Rey Mysterio. And a better brawler than The Undertaker. I am the Total Package and ya'll can't deny that. And I owe it all to me, Puerto Rican Lightning! Colombian Heat: That's right boss. You are the best. You are the greatest wrestler who ever lived! There is no one like you. If you were a woman, I do you in a second! PRL(disgusted): Uh...thanks, Heat. Thanks for knowing how great I am. JR: This is vomit inducing. This is just embarassing for all the fans at home to watch PRL stroke his own ego. PRL: Now, for all of you who doubt me. Colombian Heat: Who would doubt you? PRL: For all of you who hate me. Colombian Heat: People actually hate you? PRL: And for all those who wish I would go away? Colombian Heat: What!? PRL: I say...KISS MY ASS!!! Colombian Heat: You tell them PRL! PRL: Now, what you see here is what I like to call my "Trophy Room". You see, whenever I destroyed one of my oppoents, I take something that belongs or represents them and I keep it as a memento. As you can see, I am wearing Blurricane's mask that I got from the man himself. And I am wearing the very same shirt that The Mad Cappa wore on May 27, 2003, the night I crippled his no-talent ass and sent him packing! *The crowd boos as PRL models the blood-soaked shirt and mask as Thomas and Colombian Heat stand in awe.* JR: PRL is sadistic and an evil son-of-a-bitch! PRL: I am also wearing the Naz Mistry mask worn by Naz Mistry the day I retired him at AngleMania II. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is wearing a piece of Lauren Gellar's fine looking hair that I had cut from her to be reminded of that fabolous week I had with her back in July. So, whenever I smell Lindsay's hair, I am also smelling Lauren's hair as well. *PRL smiles evily as he removes the Naz Mistry mask. The camera does a close-up of Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez's hair with Lauren's brownish hair inserted in the bottom. The crowd boos as PRL smiles.* JR: PRL is a sick, sick, sick, man. PRL(Continuing): Finally, I have my very own custom made "Shooter" Jay Darring poster to remind me of that wonderful night back in October where I DESTROYED SUCKY JAY and pinned him 1-2-3 in the middle of the ring. This poster is my own and my own only as Jay reveals to you what I already know. He is secretly a fan of me! *Boos. The camera does a closeup of the poster to reveal that the poster is covered in graffiti and magic marker. LIGHTNING CREW is written over the poster. Jay's face is covered in cartoon devil horns, cartoon glasses, a mustache and a pop up bubble from his mouth saying "I AM A PRL FAN!" and "I SUCK!" written on Jay's head.* Puerto Rican Lightning: And I will continue to add mementos because, after all, I am that much better than all of the wrestlers in the OaOasT and because of this, I can do what I want! Now, let me pass the mic to the very man who helped me retain the NA Championship at World Without End. A man who I respect greatly. A man who, like the rest of the Lightning Crew, watches my back wherever I go. A man, who is the offical "Muscle" of the Lightning Crew. Ladies and gentlemen, from the great island nation of Cuba, give it up for CUBAN WALL!!! *The crowd boos as Cuban Wall is handed the microphone. Chants of "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" is heard. Cuban Wall smirks as he removes his sunglasses and begins to speak.* Cuban Wall(Deep, Macho Voice): Thank You PRL. Thank You very much. Puerto Rican Lightning, I am HONORED to be apart of The Lightning Crew and am so happy that you chose me to be the Muscle of this great stable. You see, people, I was just like all of you once. I hated Puerto Rican myself. I thought he was arrogrant, annoying, disgusting, and a big piece of crap! (The crowd cheers) I would watch him wrestle and I would be absolutely sicken by his actions. I couldn't believe that the OaOasT had someone like him. Unlike Colombian Heat, I was a wrestling fan my entire life, and when I saw PRL attack Mad Cappa. Attack Shooter Jay. Attack Lauren Gellar. I was disgusted that he would insult pro wrestling the way he did. But then, something happened. I saw the light. I don't know how. I don't know why. But whatever reason, be it by God, time, or fate, my feelings on PRL changed. I no longer looked at him like an evil, sadistic human being. Instead, I looked at him like the great athlethe he really is. I looked at him like the great man he really is. I looked at him and I didn't see a psycho. I saw a superhero. I didn't see an egomaniac. I saw a compassionate human being. I didn't see a annoying piece of crap. I saw a man who you loved to be with. PRL isn't like all of you. He is a man among man. A god. A superhero. A ledgend. People, if you just look at him differently like I did, you would like him too. Please, don't be so close-minded. Open up your eyes and see the man for who he really is. Puerto Rican Lightning is the man you all should be. You should be on your knees and kissing his feet. You should all be thanking your lucky stars that PRL has chosen to be in the OaOasT when he could have gone to Ring of Honor, NWA: TNA, or even World Wrestling Entertainment. PRL is here because he WANTS to be. Not because he had to. And for that, YOU should be thankful. Because if it weren't for PRL, you would all still be living boring, patheic, miserable lives. If it weren't for PRL, you would all be forced to watch untalented wrestler after untalented wrestler. If it weren't for PRL, you would all be forced to watch Mad Cappa and only Mad Cappa. If it weren't for PRL, the Deadly Alliance would be the only dominant stable on IZ. People, stand up! Stand up and applaud this man. (Voice getting louder): PEOPLE STAND UP! STAND UP DAMNIT!!! *Several people stand up throughout the arena. The rest of the crowd boos and chant "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" Lightning is amazed and smiling.* Cuban Wall: STAND UP AND SHOW YOUR SUPPORT! STAND UP AND SAY YOU LOVE PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING! STAND UP DAMNIT!!! *Several people, wearing Lightning Crew t-shirts, stand up and applaud PRL. The rest sit down and boo the NA and P.R. Champion. PRL sneers at the crowd for refusing to stand up. Cuban Wall looks disappointed at the fans. His disappointment turns to rage.* JR: Looks like not as many people like Puerto Rican Lightning as expected. I'm not suprised, personally. Cuban Wall: FINE! YOU WANT IT TO BE THAT WAY! WELL SCREW YOU PEOPLE THEN! PUERTO RICAN LIGHTNING IS RIGHT! YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF STUPID, INBRED, PIECES OF UNEDUCATED, BRAINWASHED, TRAILER-PARK TRASH!!! I just can't educate them, P.R. Puerto Rican: It's okay, Wall. I gave up trying to wake these people up a long time ago. *The crowd boos and chant "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!"* JR: These Lightning Crew members are getting worst and worst by the minute. I am suprised at how brutal and how heartless each member is. There's no question that every member of the Lightning Crew is evil. The only question is how many people will join The Lightning Crew? Puerto Rican: *Sigh* You people disappoint me. But anyways, there is one more issue I would like to discuss before this night is over. That being my ranking in the Intense 5. I would just like to thank Dan Black for making me #1. After all, I so deserve it, but none of these people agree. Screw them anyways. Now, me and Calvin Szechstein are close friends, but, when we're in the ring together, all bets are off. Believe or not, I do want to become OaOasT World Heavyweight Champion even though I am already the OaOasT North American and Puerto Rican Champion. I am a greedy bastard and am proud of it. Calvin, if you're watching, and I know you are, I just want to say may the best man win (and that man will be me). Well, from myself to OaOasT management I say: Thankyou for this spot in the Elimination Chamber. The biggest, most brutal match in OAOAST history! And who will walk out with the belt? Do I need to tell you? After all, who here DOESN'T like Puerto Rican Lightning?! *The crowd boos and chants "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!" PRL sneers.* PRL: Well, these people are just an exception. IntenseZone management, I am the anwser to the IntenseZone/HeldDown rivalry. With me in the Eliminatin Chamber match I GURAN-DAMN-TEE that IZ will destory HeldDown in the ratings. I am that great. Shuffle? "Shooter" Jay Darring? K-NESS? Blurricane? The Deadly Alliance? THE MAD CRAPPA? They won't help you. They may just make the show worst. I and the Lightning Crew are the solution to your promblems. Just give me the title shot and I can promise you that I will make IZ the best damn wrestling show on t.v. as OaOasT World Heavyweight Champion!!! *The crowd boos as PRL smiles.* Colombian Heat: That's right, Puerto Rican. PRL is the solution to the promblem. He can make IZ great. He can make it so great that people will be saying "Held What? What down?" in a year or two thanks to Puerto Rican Lightning. Like Stone Cold Steve Austin helped RAW become the #1 show on Cable T.V., Puerto Rican Lightning will help IntenseZone become the #1 show on T.V.! YEAAAHHHHH BOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! JR: PRL DOES relize that the OaOasT Heavyweight Champion wrestles on both shows. If he wrestles on HeldDown!, then will ratings go up also thanks to him according to his logic? Does PRL ever think things through?!!! Puerto Rican Lightning: Well, sadly folks, this is all the time I have this week. *The crowd cheers.* PRL(Continuing): Shut up! But next week, I have a suprise for each and every one of you. Next week, right here in this very ring on IntenseZone, I, Puerto Rican Lightning, will defend BOTH my Puerto Rican & The OaOasT North American Championships against the best Puerto Rico has to offer. That's right. I called this man and he will gladly take me on in a match infront of you people. This man is tough. This man is ruthless. This man will give me a run for my money. This is the first in a series of serious contenders for my title belts. So fans, tune in next week. Same PRL time. Same PRL channel. HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!! Thank You and Goodnight! *"No Chance In Hell" by Lloyd & Boyd begins to play once again as the crowd boos and chants "P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks! P.R. Sucks!". Puerto Rican Lightning raises the OaOasT North American & Puerto Rican Championships one more time and smiles evily. He shakes hands with Cuban Wall and kisses Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez. Several pieces of garbage are thrown at his direction as the Lightning Crew exit the ring and head to the entrance.* JR: Well, that was certainly an interesting interview from The Lightning Crew. Cuban Wall, the newest member of the Lightning Crew, had been drinking some of PRL's kool-aid lately as has the other members of the Lightning Crew. Next week, PRL promises he is going to defend the OaOasT North American & Puerto Rican Championships against one of Puerto Rico's finest atheletes but can we be sure about that? Is this one of PRL's lies? We'll find out next week but there is still more IntenseZone ahead so don't go away! We will be right back with more action on IntenseZone! *The Lightning Crew pose at the entrance and exit.* *Fade Out* ::Commercials::

*A blue, red, and orange screen appears. In scratchy letters the words "THE FOLLOWING ANNOUCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE LIGHTNING CREW" appear as a deep voiced narrator reads what is seen on the screen. "No Chance In Hell" by Lloyd & Boyd plays in the background as Puerto Rican Lightning, Colombian Heat, and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez stand in front of a white background with t-shirts in their hands.* Puerto Rican Lightning: You want to be as good as Puerto Rican Lightning? You want to be as sexy as Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez? You want to be as.....uh.....um...as...smart as Colombian Heat? Well you can't. But you CAN come close by wearing the offical Lightning Crew t-shirt! *The screen starts to shake as the camera cuts to a closeup of Colombian Heat.* Colombian Heat: That's right PRL! Pledge your allegiance to the greatest wrestling stable in the history of professional wrestling by wearing the shirt designed by PRL himself! *The camera does a closeup of the offical Lightning Crew T-Shirt. The camera continues zooming in on the shirt until it actually zooms in on Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez's big breasts.* PRL: Thanks Heat. Featuring the face of the late, great, Che Guevera, this 100% cotton t-shirt is in blood red and features the offical Lightning Crew logo. And on the back is the OFFICAL Lightning Crew catchphrase "WE ARE IN CONTROL." This is an offical OaOasT product so don't be worry about this t-shirt shrinking or the picture disappearing or something like that. *As PRL speaks, the camera shows the back of the Lightning Crew t-shirt as modeled by Lindsay. However the camera soon ignores her back completely and concetrates on her ass.* PRL: Hey monkey boy. Up herre! (The camera zooms in on PRL). Anyways, this shirt is a best seller so get your own offical Lightning Crew t-shirt right away before they all disappear like Mystery Science Theater 3000! God, I loved that show! Colombian Heat: AND if you call now, you can also get the OFFICAL Lightning Crew necklace! This necklace is made from 100% real ice and is the blingest of the bling-bling. If you want to rock some bling-bling around your neck, then get this bitch and rock tha ice around yo neck~! PRL: Yeah....um....sure. BUY THE SHIRT! BUY THE SHIRT! BUY THE SHIRT! Beg your parents! Buy the shirt right now! *The screen changes to a closeup of the Offical Lightning Crew T-Shirt and Offical Lightning Crew necklace. Graphics appear on the screen as the deep voiced annoucer reads them. "No Chance In Hell" continues to play.* JR Well...that was...unique. Don't forget a range of othershirts is available on OAOAST.com! Up next- well, you'll see... "I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of TEDDY!" ["What's My Name" by Snoop is up in this hizzle fo shizzle as Ted Weddy grooves his way to the ring, flanked by his loyal companions Gary Busey and J-Train. Ted swipes the microphone from Gary Michael Cappetta.] JR: IntenseZone's first defector, and some might say defective, talent, Ted Weddy has made an immediate impact since his debut, what weirdness does he have planned this week? TED: WHAT UP HOMESLICES!? The crowd ROARS in approval for the self-proclaimed President. TED: I'm glad that everybody's free n' easy fo sheezy, because I got somethin' to fuckin' say bitches! The crowd makes noise, but no one is sure what kind. JR: Ted Weddy, continuing to confuse the hell out of this crowd, but like him or not, he has been highly entertaining. TED: You see, in the booking room, the B to the P to the P wanted yours tru-lee to be in the Intense 5 match tonight- and who knows the number 5 betta than me? I've done the 5 finger discount. I play 5 on 1 five times a day! Hee hee! But like Rick Rockwell, I was denied entry! So I'll tell you what right now sweet buns, I'm not only gonna squashify another jobber, I'm gonna present you with STAR POWER! *YEEEAAAAH!" JR: Star Power? Well, we know Ted Weddy somehow is connected to multiple A-listers, who's he gonna bring out? Ted: Ladies and genitalmen, my good buddy, he weighs in at 7 and half inches, he's from the North Pole but he ain't Santa Claus- johns and hos, please welcome PETER NORTH! ["Now You're a Man" by DVDA hits as the sexual icon makes his way to the ring.] JR: PETER NORTH?! The adult film star?! This is a family show! North steps in the ring as loud chants of "NORTH! NORTH! NORTH!" echo through the arena. TED: THAAAANK YOU FOR CUMMING, HE HE, I MEAN COMING PETER! Now for those of you who don't know- YOU MAKE PORNO! NORTH: I sure do Ted, and in fact, back in the day I did a very special adult film with a certain HeldDown competitor, you know her as Crystal- I knew her as Lana Leggs! TED: Did she give a good BLLLOWJOB? NORTH: She sure did, Ted. In fact, I have footage! JR: Can we even air that, we'll get thrown off the network! TED (look at JR): Don't worry Jamesy, I'M THE PRRESIDENT! ROLL IT! [the AngleTron lights up to show Crystal backstage at HeldDown, shifting uncomfortably in the Bayside cheerleader uniform she was forced to wear for several weeks. "Is it hot in here?" Cut to Peter North, who is obviously in a different room. "Sure is, why don't you take that off, get comfortable?" Crystal then is seen talking to Mad Matt, who gave her some water, "sure, thank you." Cut back to Peter North, doing his thing, with a girl who's obviously not Crystal.] JR: BY GAWD, STONE COLD STONE COLD! Around the arena, parents have one hand over their kids' eyes and one down their pants. [The video shows an exhausted Peter saying, "oh, thanks babe." Cut back to Crystal, this time packing her bags, wiping her face off with a towel. "Whew, that was rough!"] TED: WOW, THAT WAS SOOO HOT! PETER: Why thank you Ted. -Suddenly, through the crowd, comes a charging Reject! JR: Reject?! He hasn't been here since Jay Darring humiliated him at Screams of No Reply! The bell rings, and Reject clotheslines Peter North out of the ring, but Ted cuts him off with a jab! And another! He grabs himself, and hits the Bionic Elbow! Reject goes down! JR: Ted Weddy was taught to wrestle by the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, I think he taught him to speak too! Ted picks up Reject, and irish whips him into the ropes. Reject bounces off, caught with a Bossman slam by Ted! "TIME TO TOSS HIS SALAD!" JR: Looks like Ted is signalling for the end early. Ted picks up Reject, and grabs him by the throat! He's got him up- THE HIGH TIMES CHOKESLAM! REJECT BOUNCES OFF THE MAT! JR: What impact! Ted Weddy has really had a fire lit under his ass since defecting to IntenseZone! Ted goes over to ringside, and high fives his crew. "MY BLOOD MY BLOOD, MY FLESH MY FLESH!" JR: What's Ted got planned now? Ted picks him up for a bodyslam, no he's got him over his shoulder! "COOOOCK....ROCKET!" Ted SPIKES Reject headfirst with a Fire Thunder Driver! JR: There's a cover! 1! 2! 3! CAPPETTA: Your winner of the match, TED WEDDY! JR: Another dominating victory for Ted Weddy- he may not be the ideal representative of this company, but he cannot be denied for much longer! [Ted and his posse enter the ring and do the Cabbage Patch dance to loud cheers from the crowd, as we cut to commerical.]

JR We take you now to our new "From the Vault" feature. What a treat tonight fans. IntenseZone's first main event match, ever! FROM THE VAULT Some Guy & CWM vs BPP & Zack Malibu "The Right Medal" plays and out comes Some Guy and CWM ... CWM grabs a mike and apologies to the fans that Caboose couldn't be here, but that he will be in the aWo's corner at AngleSlam, and once he and AP put away their differences in Hell in a Cell, the aWo will be ready for anything. "Darude, Sandstorm" plays as BPP and Zack Malibu make their way to the ring and pose on the buckles. The ref rings the bell and the matches begins as BPP and Some Guy stare off. BPP tags in Zack...Zack tackles SG but SG rolls through and hits a leglock, and another, and another! Pickup and suplex into a float-over pin...BPP breaks it up before the hand falls three times. SG tags in CWM who is a house-of-fire on Zack...Rolling DDT's into a pin, but again BPP breaks it up... CWM throws Zack into the turnbuckle...mounts, but Zack recovers and hits a spinning spinebuster! Hot tags all around. BPP hits with two rights, but Seom Guy blocks the third and ddts BPP down... Some Guy tosses BPP outside the ring and distracts the ref as CWM throws BPP into the steel steps...roll back into the ring and a cover by Some Guy, broken up by Zack! Pickup and whip by Some Guy, but BPP catches him with a running neckbreaker. Both men crawl to the corner, but BPP fails to tag in Zack, who instead launches himself over the ropes and through the ref...only to be clotheslined down by CWM BPP grabs something and lays there motionless...pickup and whip, but CWM is backdropped over the top rope! A groggy Zack falls down and is hit by a SomeMoonsault, SG covers but the ref refuses to count. Zack isn't the legal man! As BPP picks up his title belt...Caboose comes sprinting to the ring to warn the aWo, but right behind him comes Angle-Plex who confronts caboose and prevents C from warning a groggy Some Guy. SG gets further distracted when Alfdogg sprints down and confronts both. Some Guy throws his hands up and manages to duck the belt shot...hitting the SomeStunner on BPP, who flops in the corner Ref turns and counts, but Zack pulls SG out of the ring and throws him into the other steel steps... A groggy BPP crawls to his corner and tags in Zack while the aWo continue to bicker on the ramp, with Angle-Plex stricking Caboose with a chop and a clothesline! ZacK Malibu is in, and Some Guy crawls to his corner to tag in CWM, but CWM is still out SG turns around as Zack utilizes the Cruiserweight belt to lay out SG for a quick 2 count! Zack pouts, and Some Guy catches him a SomeSchoolboy for a quick three! Zack recovers and hits the OLD SCHOOL EXPULSION on Some Guy, knocking him out Alfdogg, seeing what happened, runs down to the ring and dumps Zack out of the ring, and then grabs a nearly unconscious BPP Alfdogg lays BPP out with stiff shot after shot, eventually bloodying the Cruiserweight Champ... Anglesault runs past a fighting AP and Caboose, yells, "what the hell?" and runs to the ring and testicle sledges BPP and a recovering Zack Malibu As Caboose and AP fight offstage, the remaining aWo members Anglesault, Some Guy, CWM, and a loner Alfdogg raise their hands in victory... JR A classic moment in OAOAST history fans...and some of these men are still here, still fighting! Amazing! Let's get some more action! (We go backstage where Judas is returning to the locker room. Judas opens the door and then stops dead in his tracks.) JUDAS You! (The camera pans around so we can see inside. Inside is a businessman in a suit waiting for Judas. The man looks somewhat familiar.) JUDAS You’re the guy who stopped me on the street the other day. Didn’t I see you on HeldDOWN this past Thursday too? BUSINESSMAN You didn’t look at my card did you? My name is J. Arthur Edwards and I’m a lawyer for the firm of Williams & Horn. Your Father was one of our best clients and Blurricane ruined that. Yes you did see me on HeldDOWN because I moonlight as a wrestler for the very federation that is invading this company. JUDAS That’s odd behavior for a lawyer. J. ARTHUR Being a lawyer can become stressful and wrestling is my favorite way to unwind. So when the opportunity came up to be a part of something big I jumped on it. JUDAS For some reason I don’t think you’re here about the invasion. J. ARTHUR You’re smarter than I thought. I’m here to see if you changed your mind about our deal. JUDAS We don’t have a deal and no I haven’t changed my mind. Now I’m giving you ten seconds to leave before I call security. J. ARTHUR As you saw on HeldDOWN I have no problem taking out security and I wouldn’t come here without backup. How about you just give me a few minutes to talk this over with you? JUDAS You have five minutes. J. ARTHUR Thank you. I have connections Judas. More connections than you’ll ever know about. The boss wants your Father back as a client, but he can’t get much out of it if he’s in prison. We’re willing to pay you dearly for your help. I know you’re becoming tired of Blurricane’s bullshit. JUDAS The only bullshit I smell around here is coming from you. You don’t scare me with your “connections” and your “boss.” You can keep your money because I’m not changing my mind. J. ARTHUR Don’t make this harder than it has to be. A wind of change is sweeping over the OAOAST and you better decide which side you’re on. I know two ways of defeating my opponents: in the courtroom and in the wrestling arena. Right now I can defeat you in either world. I could ruin you physically or financially and I wouldn’t lose sleep either way. JUDAS For your sake you better hope this is the last time we meet. J. ARTHUR For your sake you better hope it’s not. (J. Arthur turns around and leaves the locker room as Judas grabs a chair and tosses it across the room in anger. Blurricane then shows up at the door with a shocked look on his face.) BLURRICANE Wasn’t that the guy who stopped you the other day? JUDAS Yes it was. BLURRICANE Wasn’t he also a part of that Underground group? JUDAS Unfortunately yes he was. This is worse than I thought. He’s a lawyer for some big firm and he wants Father out of prison. If Father ever gets out he’ll come after me. BLURRICANE I’m not letting that happen. JUDAS Something tells me you might not be able to stop them. This Edwards guy scares the hell out of me. (Fade Out) COMMERCIALS