Dr. Zoidberg

I was PISSED when the last Angle Awards weren't posted! I won Best Feud! My acceptance speech had Johnny Rotten, Keira Knightley, and Petra Nemcova!!! These AA's better be posted...or I am going to falt-out not do anything about it and get on with my life...I mean it!

-Fade into a back room. We see Austin Baker!~ sitting in a plush chair, smoking a cigarette. A giant OAOAST Banner is hanging behind him. COACH Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another edition of "Shootin' it Up." I'm your host The Coach, and joining me today is former OAOST X Champion and current HI-YAH World Heavyweight Champion, Austin "Ragdoll" Baker. Ragdoll, welcome to Shootin' it Up. RAGDOLL Thank you for having me...kinda an ironic name, don't you think? -Both laugh. COACH We'll get to that later on in the show, Austin. Right now, I'd like to talk about how you started in this business. What was your first memory of professional wrestling? RAGDOLL Well...it was actually when I was 16. My brother Ken, my sister's Claire and Shannon, and I...uh...I guess we just kinda started to like it. Before I was 16, I never really watched it, or maybe I did, but nothing really stuck out. So, it wasn't until...I guess...'99, I started watching. I started watching Steve Austin, The Rock, Mankind...fuckin Mankind was my favorite. He was just so insane. As soon as I saw the Mankind/Triple H/Austin match with our own Jesse Ventura reffing, I went out and bought tapes of Mick in ECW. I had to watch more of him. COACH So your main influence is Mick Foley? RAGDOLL Pretty much, yeah...Though now, I credit my wrestling style more to Spanky and Paul London...but there will always be a little bit of Mankind/Cactus Jack thrown in there. COACH So you started watching when you were 16...you're 20 now. You've been the X Champion, you've earned the monicer "Greatest Wrestler Never to Wear the Belt," you're the HI-YAH World Champion and you've only been in the OAOAST for going on a year. I would say you've accomplished quite a bit. RAGDOLL Yeah...I've accomplished everything I've wanted out of wrestling. COACH But you have yet to win the OAOAST World Title. RAGDOLL That's mainly because I turned it down. COACH Why would you do that? RAGDOLL The fuckin' pressure, man. I mean...fuck...I look at Drek, I look at Zack, I look at Crystal...they all look so fuckin' haggard, ya know? It's just so stressful to always be on the top of your game every night. Gotta go to appearances, gotta do this, gotta do that...it's just...it's not bullshit, but it's more pressure than it needs to be, you know? I mean, being the HI-YAH Champ is like being the champ of a backyard fed compared to being the OAOAST Champion, and even THIS is stressful. I was asked last year at the first Elimination Chamber if I wanted to win the title...it could have just been an aside question...but I said no. The heads understood that I wasn't in this business to win titles, I was in it to have fun, and to me, being the top dog and being the mouthpiece for an entire company and having that company rest on my shoulders wasn't going to be fun. Being the X Champion was fun. That was a blast. COACH Speaking of the X Title, you won that from your brother Ken, aka K-Money... RAGDOLL What a dumb fucking name (laughs). COACH ...and he was in fact, the one that brought you into this business. Apparently you never had formal training, but he still wanted you in. RAGDOLL Yeah, Ken actually asked me and my sisters if we wanted to be apart of his "Black Label" storyline. Claire said no, cuz she was getting married, Shannon said yes, and I said yes. Shannon actually backed out the day of because they wanted her to play my girlfriend, and...yeah, that would have just been weird. So, it was me and Ken, and I needed a name. We couldn't go with K-Money and Austin Baker or Ken and Austin Baker because we both decided that would be lame. I came up with Spitfire and Zero before finally saying "Ragdoll." I don't know WHERE the name came from, but...it sounds cool. So, twenty minutes after I came up with my name, I debuted. COACH Wow. RAGDOLL Oh yeah. COACH Well, you certainly got the hang of wrestling quickly. RAGDOLL Yeah, if you watch the tapes from my first match...I was SO imitating Ken. I was lost as fuck in there, and I was praying the entire time that I wouldn't fuck up. Thankfully, it all worked out. COACH It was then that you started your feud with your brother, and you two had an impromptu match at License to Pin, where you nearly won the X Title. Any thoughts on that? RAGDOLL That was actually my favorite match I've ever been in. It made me a face, turned Ken more heel...it was just a good back and forth match. I loved it. COACH How does your retirement match against your brother rank? RAGDOLL Ehhh...I liked it...I enjoyed working it...but it just kind of sucked because I knew that after that match, Ken wasn't going to be around to give me guidance anymore. That entire match was me calling the shots and guiding Ken. He wanted me to get used to it. COACH What made Ken decide, "All right...Austin, you're going to be the X Champion now?" RAGDOLL Well, Josie was pregnant...we found out that day that she was pregnant...and Ken just decided he wanted to be there for his son or daughter. I think she's 3 months old now. Allison Marie Baker. Beautiful child. COACH Well congratulations to Ken and Josie. RAGDOLL Oh yes...very lucky parents. COACH So...after winning the X Title, you had a three month long program with Mad Matt. Sly Sommers said that he didn't like Matt...what are your thoughts? RAGDOLL I dunno. When I feuded with him, he was a great guy. He was open to ideas for the matches, he was down for waiting for the X Title...but when he won it, he did a piss poor job with it. I hated his title reign. When Sly won it, though...THAT was an X Title reign. Same with AJ. Those kids are fucking talented. Not saying that Matt isn't talented...he is...he just kinda froze up when he was champ. COACH Ok...Now, i'd like to talk to you about your heroin addiction. RAGDOLL Ugggghhh...all right. COACH Touchy subject? RAGDOLL Oh, no...I mean, I only almost died from a stupid fucking habit...not touchy at all. But it'll be good to get all of this off my chest. COACH All right...how did you get started in it? RAGDOLL It was all Melanie. That bitch...seriously...I should have ended that relationship the minute she pulled out the needle, but at the time, I was so in love with her that I thought it would be ok and that she wouldn't let me get too into it. I thought she loved me...but it turned into a Sid and Nancy type deal, you know? She stayed with me to support her habit, and I stayed with her because she got me easy access to that shit. The minute I told her I wanted to get clean, she left me high and dry. Bitch. COACH Then you met Jasmine, and your life got more on track. RAGDOLL Yeah...her real name is Lauren, and she is just an incredible girl. To be honest, she's nowhere near Irish. Well...she's of Irish descent, but she's from Vegas and is more Italian than anything else. She met TJ and Tyler the day she debuted as TJ's sister. But back on subject...she, along with Josie, Ken, Shannon, and Claire...they were ALWAYS visiting me in the hospital...I couldn't have gotten clean if it wasn't for them. I thank her everyday for being the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've been clean since the day we started dating, so that's...I think...6 months? 7 months?...She's gonna be pissed at me for not remembering. COACH So you took a hiatus from wrestling to get clean, and you made your return with Axel. What are your thoughts on your feud? RAGDOLL Axel is a fucking phenomenal guy, man. Just the best friend I could have ever asked for. This feud is actually really really hard to pull off because I have no animosity towards him whatsoever, and every week I have to act like I want to kill him. It's no simple task at all. I'm telling you...out of all the wrestlers that visited me, Axel came the most. He was genuinely concerned about my well-being. Great guy. COACH So your match at Climax is a Las Vegas Deathmatch against Axel...glass on the canvas, glass tables outside the ring, flaming barbed wire bat...this is going to be a bloodbath. Since you just said Axel is your best friend, how hard is this match going to be for you to do? RAGDOLL Oh my god, it's going to be hell...but Axel and I both agreed that no punch's will be pulled. We respect each other and trust each other enough to go into this match and know that neither one of us will get seriously injured. He actually said to me, "Austin...I love yah...but you and I are going to be near dead." I just laughed...I was thinking the exact same thing, but couldn't be blunt enough to tell him. COACH Out of all of the wrestlers in the OAOAST, who would you say you get along with the best and the least? RAGDOLL Well, I don't really talk to very many people. I mean, Crystal is someone I've never really chatted with. Same with Chris Stevens, The Tethers', GPX...all these new guys, I've never really chatted with. I wouldn't call Crystal new, but I've never talked to her. However, I would say I get along best with Axel, Drek, and Zack. Those three are the guys I talk to the most. COACH All right...to end, I have some names of wrestlers...it's basically what I asked Sly Sommers last time. RAGDOLL Fire away. COACH Zack Malibu. RAGDOLL One of the best performers I have ever met in my life. Not a great wrestler, per se...but he just has "It", you know? His worst match is miles ahead of most guys' best matches, and that's just because he has an aura around him. I can't really describe it, but he's...yeah, he's a good fucking guy. COACH ...Drek Stone. RAGDOLL That kid has got a good head on his shoulders, and what a fuckin' worker. Jesus...everytime he wrestles, it's incredible. In all honesty, though...he got the title kinda quick. Not to say he doesn't deserve it! Not at all. It's just...I dunno...he didn't really have a chance to pay his dues. Guys like Axel and Sly, they've made a name for themselves over their time here and have had titles, but not THE title. Axel...fuck, I'd love to see that kid with the title. That would be the most amazing title reign...but Drek is by far my favorite wrestler in the OAOAST. Just a great person, all around. COACH ...TNT. RAGDOLL Gayer than hell! COACH Are you serious? RAGDOLL Yeah (laughs)...those two are SO flamboyant...TJ especially. Great people, though. Not a god damn thing wrong with them. They never ever say an unkind word about anyone. I need to call them up, actually. I think they moved to San Francisco, as cliche as that sounds. But yeah...those two are the best tag team I've ever seen. Vastly underrated. COACH ...Axel. RAGDOLL My best friend. Greatest guy. Like a brother to me. COACH And finally...Austin "Ragdoll" Baker. RAGDOLL A shithead (laughs). No...just a guy that got lucky and is blessed with a beautiful wife, great friends and family, and pretty soon, a child of his own. COACH Congratulations! Any names picked out? RAGDOLL If it's a boy, Austin, Ken, or Caswell. If it's a girl, Vegas or Jessica. COACH Austin, thank you for your time. RAGDOLL No problem, daaaaaawg. -Coach looks at the camera. COACH That's it for this weeks "Shootin' it Up." I'm Jonathan Coachman. See you next week.

BEST FEUD Zack Malibu vs. Crystal Axel vs. Ragdoll Uh...I need to start paying more attention BEST FINISHER Nominations available. for the Hall of Fame, it should be four inductees....just saying.

Whaaaat? Which ones?

- So, I decided to make a mix CD for my friend. He's into such things as Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Trapt, Dredg...all that MTV-esque stuff. Hopefully, I can turn him around. TITLE: Random Songs that are better than "Rock Your Body." 1. Warsaw - Joy Division 2. I Woke Up This Morning - The Mooney Suzuki 3. Blue Monday - New Order 4. More Than This - Roxy Music 5. Shakedown on 9th Street - Ryan Adams 6. Electric Sweat - The Mooney Suzuki 7. Five Years - David Bowie 8. Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones 9. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan 10. One More Cup of Coffee - The White Stripes (cover) 11. Blame it on Cain - Elvis Costello 12. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division 13. To be Young (is to be high, is to be sad) - Ryan Adams 14. Arabian Knights - Siouxsie and the Banshees 15. Bodies - The Sex Pistols 16. Slow Hands - Interpol 17. Bitchin' Camaro - Dead Milkmen 18. The Modern Age - The Strokes 19. Handsome Devil - The Smiths 20. That's Life - Frank Sinatra - I hate Morissey, but I like The Smiths. I don't get it. I mean, it's the same stuff, basically, but Morissey's solo albums just...ugh. I don't know. I'm weird. - I really need to re-listen to Elvis Costello's My Aim is True. I remember liking it when I got it last year, and that was all I would listen to, but I haven't listened to it since, probably, December '03 - January '04.

Dude, I am SO going to rip this off. That was awesome. A great read.

There wasn't a single match? Not one?! Uh...PROMO SHOW...yeah...like...a...like... I got nothing...I'm sorry. Feedbackery when I feeeeeel like it, bietches. BTW: Feedback to yonder Ragdoll boiler-room promo and the Ragdoll attack segment would be appreciated AND rewarded with a smile

*smokes cigarettes on the sofa* Do you get Hustler TV? Cuz there's this one chick...WOW!

Count em...1...2... 2 segments from Ragdoll. I would also like to take this time to apologize for my comments in the TSW Feedback thread. I was drunk (last night with the friends before we all go back to our respective schools), and I overreacted. I am sorry.

Fuck...That... Ragdoll gets eliminated FIRST, and is completely fucking destroyed the entire time he's in the ring? Rockin. I mean, shit. Congrats to Drek (you fuckin' earned that shit, man. Shoulda put the title on you after your first match) and all, but c'mon, guys. I hate to complain over this (I mean...it's just an e-fed), but I've put a lot of effort into trying to make Ragdoll look like a violent and dangerous guy, and then he just gets the ever-loving shit kicked out of him? Ugggh...i'm sure if I were sober right now, this wouldn't be a big deal... Didn't even get my music right...it's "Somebody told me" by The Killers, now. Congratulations to all the winners, though. Special congrats to Drek. I knew about this for awhile, but i'd be damned if I wasn't marking the hell out when it said "WINNER: DREK STONE"...the families would be proud. EDIT: And wow...now that I have sobered up somewhat, I re-read this, and MAN!...I am a whiny little bitch when I'm drunk...Sorry about that.

DC - The singer was the one who left the band. And I would hardly call "What became of the likely lads" 'gut-wrenchingly dull.' It's a song of forgiveness from Carl Barat (the lead guitarist) to Pete Doherty (the singer/rythym guitarist), as sappy as that sounds. A majority of the self-titled album is about Doherty's drug addiction and the tear that it made in the band. The opening song, "Can't Stand Me Now" is Carl and Pete blaming each other for Pete's condition, and the album closes with "What became of the likely lads." It's actually quite a brilliant record. But, to each his own, I guess. To tell you the truth, I hated their self-titled album until I heard "What Became of The Likely Lads." Weird? Maybay... Morrisey - It took me awhile to really get into them, too, but you kinda need to be in the mood for them. The Libertines aren't for everyone, and NME is dead-wrong in saying they're "generation defining" (THAT'S The Strokes!), but all in all, they're a good all-around band. Try giving extra listens to "Vertigo", "Boys in the Band", and "I Get Along" off of Up the Bracket. Those are the songs that got me into them. jailbait - They already did fall apart...damn Pete and his drug addiction. Interesting tidbit: Pete Doherty is actually a very distant cousin of mine. Odd, no? Yeah...that was my two cents. Like them, don't like them...they're done now, so it doesn't really matter if they have a larger fanbase or not.

The Elimination Chamber OAOAST Heavyweight Championship Sly Sommers vs. Crystal vs. Axel vs. Drek Stone vs. Ragdoll vs. Chris Stevens Fuckin...uhhhh...dunno...Me? Fuck...you know, being drunk is fun...but i'd be damned if it's hard to type... Zack Malibu/??? vs. The Global Party XChange Pffffffft...MALIBU'S A QUEEEEEERRR!!!! On that note, GPX No-Disqualification OAOAST X-Division Championship Leon Rodez© vs. The Mad Cappa The Collosus of Rodez cannot be stopped, bitches! "Invitation to Anarchy!" Glory By Anarchy vs. The Skulls vs. The Fanboys vs. The Love Doctors vs. The Tethers vs. The Full Blooded Aussies vs. South Central Militia vs. The Illuminators vs. The Frankensteiners vs. Chris and James ....SCM? Why the FUCK not!! Grudge Match Panther vs. Brock Ausstin Panther es muy fantastico. Brock Ausstin? NO ME GUSTA, BIETCHES!! Hell's Hitmen vs. The New New Midnight Express The New NEW MXC Black T vs. The Love Doctors Black T...by the way, BOTH of these teams are the name's of pornos...weird. Alex Bryant vs. Jonas Smith My name is JONAS.....and I am gonna lose....Weezer? Anyone? The Phenom vs. Pheonix The male Crystal wins.......cuz...she's the FEMALE phenom?...and....hey, more Jack Daniels for Ken...

I ALWAYS get eliminated first! ALWAYS!~ Pffffft...like I care...Fuckin good job, man. VERY well written. New York/Vegas man...you and me...NY/LV

Foooock...I like that idea! It can add intrigue to the Ragdoll...in...trigue?... I'm drunk...i'm sorry.

Well...I guess I'M spoken for!

That damned FOX!! *grabs shotgun and runs off, shouting random obscenities in gaelic*

DON'T YOU LIE TO ME, HOFF!!! *freaks the FUCK out!~!*

It's probably because I haven't had a chance to fully listen to the album, but the only good song for me on Pulp's "This is Hardcore" is Like A Friend I dunno.

I quote Reservoir Dogs quite a bit, mainly the "Are you going to bark all day, little doggy...or are you gonna bite?" line. Other than that...my girlfriend and I quote Saved! quite a bit. Our favorite is whenever one of us says "I gotta go", the other says "All right...call me later, k!" in an sarcastically perky voice. Yeah.

Austin "Ragdoll" Baker speaks out on Axel's return! Jasmine STILL in shock over meeting White Stripes! Ken is drunk!!

Whyyyyy?

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!! STOKE!~!~!

OK, just had Benoit (cpu)/K-Money (me). So, the match started out with regular exchanges, and about 15 minutes in, Money got locked into the Crossface. Too close to the ropes, got up, and hit Benoit with a Cash Money Driver (aka Pedigree). BLADE JOB!~ By this time, Money's body is dark red, and Benoit's head is dark red...yeah. So...Money takes awhile to recover from the Cash Money Driver, goes for the pin...1...2...Benoit kicks the FUCK out. 20 minutes in, 10 minutes left, Money goes for CMD again, but it's blocked by Benoit, who now has no special icons left. He instead goes behind and hits a neckbreaking German Suplex...Money kicks out at 2! Benoit stands, holds his head as Money shoots up...CASH MONEY DRIVER! Money reels from it, covers...1....2....3. End time: 23:46. Great match

For some reason, I went and saw Blink-182, Sum 41, and New Found Glory. I hate myself everyday.

Detroit! YES!!! OK, can I have opening segment? I have an awesome idea involving The White Stripes! DETROIT!!! YEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!! *runs off screaming "DE-TROIT! DE-TROIT! DE-TROIT!!"*