Kinetic

For what it's worth, "Honey Pie" from the second record in that set gets my vote as the worst Beatles song ever.

Tiffany's cover of "I Think We're Alone Now" is really awful. That's the only one I remember.

I think that what really made Metal Ed work was the unique tactic of "Method posting," in which I would blare Cinderella and shoot neighborhood dogs all week before posting. I also acquired a taste for large women during that period, although that had nothing to do with the gimmick.

This, of course, begs the question of what actually is the worst hit song ever. "You Light Up My Life," anyone?

Especially considering that my Jerry Falwell biography of the same name is being released later this month in select markets. Imagine the confusion.

What of Brian Eno's ambient output have you heard? I heard one of the more highly acclaimed ones--the title escapes me at the moment, but it's something to do with airports or airplanes or something--and, well, he should've stuck with pop music, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, for whatever the merits of ambient music might be, have you ever talked to anyone who likes the second side of Low better than the first side?

With all this talk, you'd think Bush won by a landslide or something. There's still a hugely divided electorate out there, and, with the grim notion of four years of know-nothing George W. Bush policies kicked into overdrive without another election to be mindful of, there are plenty of reasons to expect that the Democrats can make up ground. And it's "provisional" ballots, people. I don't know what province these things would represent.

Oh, Your Arsenal is terrific. Song for song, I'd put it right up there with or possibly above any single Smiths album, although they're definitely better overall than solo Morrissey. And the Bona Drag singles compilation is nearly flawless. That said, I don't think Morrissey's endorsement is going to have much impact on the election, unless the largely unheralded "fans of aging British rock stars" voting bloc turns out in record numbers in key battleground states. And doesn't Morrissey live in Los Angeles?

They should have found some way to include the entirety of the Rock And Roll Animal album, considering that it's basically just one incredibly long and tedious solo with snippets of old Velvet Underground songs occasionally thrown into the mix. Gotta love that album cover, though.

For those interested, the girl group song referenced at the beginning of "Looking For A Kiss" is "Give Him A Great Big Kiss" by the Shangri-Las. It's quite good. Yeah, and both New York Dolls studio albums are excellent. The Dolls section of Please Kill Me is terrific, as is that in the lesser-known Glam.

I have all the answers. And in the event that I don't have the answer, I'll make one up.

They're splish-splashing in your checking account as we speak. Marco Polo, indeed.

No. Only Max can do that. And, just between the two of us, he seems like a bit of a prick, so I wouldn't count on it.

The great flood of 2004 here in Asheville had me out of work for a few days. When I ran out of productive and fulfilling things to do, I decided to do this. My irregular posting should resume tomorrow.

I wish! No, the truth is that, like millions of other Americans, you've become the victim of identity theft. As we speak, a teenage girl of ill repute is spending your hard-earned money on frivolous items such as prom dresses, cases upon cases of malt liquor, and above-ground swimming pools. Your only recourse is to track her down immediately. Fortunately, I have an advanced degree in the ology of finding stuff, so I'll be able to help you. I'll just need your name, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and a bank statement indicating the amount of money that you have.

Yeah, a post that didn't require even a little bit of thought beyond understanding the basics of operating a computer really deserves to be touted as the best post ever. I personally wouldn't have a problem with you being eaten alive by wild dogs, shoe head motherfucker.

Yeah, but what about the instances where he's not in da mansion, but rather on da road? Does he set up a camera in da hotel or in da tour bus beforehand, or just leave those to chance?

So I've been a Tampa Bay Bucs fan for as long as I've been interested in football. This is mostly due to my Dad being a one-time resident of the Tampa area and a long time Bucs fan and my adolescent desire to male bond with him, albeit with the TV as a wedge between our sometimes conflicting personalities. I've since moved to western North Carolina as an adult and I'm now faced with a dilemma. Last postseason, with the Bucs safely eliminated from contention, I found myself suffering from an acute case of Panther Fever. I haven't been able to shake it. I like Delhomme. I like Stephen Davis. I like the coaching staff and that ferocious defensive line. I can get every Panthers game of the season at home, saving myself the embarrassment and excessive beer or soda consumption that comes with a trip to the sports bar if I just switch over and become a Panthers fan. But there's the threat of being labelled a bandwagon jumper. There's probably even some truth to that, considering Tampa's 7-9 record last season and their pitiful offensive performance today. Is it okay for me to switch teams after the season's already started? Is there some sort of set of standards here?

While I can't vouch for Simms (although I did live in Texas for most of his college run and most people there thought he was an overrated choker and preferred Major Applewhite), Brad Johnson is a hell of a lot more accurate with much better decision-making skills than Trent Dilfer ever was, at least in Tampa.

In their defense, they only lost by six points and they did it with an offense that's had basically no time to gel in the preseason due to injuries and old-age-related lack of playing time. Plus, with Joe Gibbs, the greatest football mind to ever grace a sideline anywhere in the history of the game and beyond, coaching the Redskins, it's a small wonder that Gruden didn't declare a forefeit on the way to D.C. Does it mean anything that I'm defending the Bucs? This is like deciding to break up with a girlfriend who, although she's only brought you home one championship, has been a steady playoff performer for the better part of a decade.

Keep it simple, you stupid fucking jerk. That came out harsh. I'm sorry. But the sentiment rings true: You need to find common ground with the person you're talking to as far as interests go. I usually break the ice by asking what the person thinks of my outfit. Suddenly we both share a common interest: Me. Chances are, give the unhealthy level of self-absorption you've developed by spending all of your time alone, you'll have a lot to say on the topic of yourself. If any of it's funny, run with it. If it's disturbing, save it for later. However, you have to have backup topics once you've stormed through your A material. I suggest developing other interests as soon as possible, preferably ones that other people are likely to deem "cool," like music or, given that you're in college, radical leftist politics. If I'm grabbing you, inquire further about my telve-step program to reaching the complete you.

I think the big problem with rooting for both of them is that they're in the same division. Pre-realignment, I could have made a much smoother transition.

In retrospect, I feel like I was sort of tempting fate by making all sorts of drunk driving jokes and occasionally driving when I was totally smashed and couldn't even remember the drive home the next morning in the months leading up to my arrest. But I know for a fact that all of this heavy-handed "you could have hurt someone" bullshit wouldn't have phased me, because I really was a remarkably alert drunk driver. Had I been visited by the Ghost of Walking Future and had the opportunity to see how incredibly inconvenient every aspect of my life would become after losing my license, I might have thought twice about it.

Yeah, I'm a long time Bucs fan. What was up with that offense, huh? Jesus fucking Christ.

I caught the Washington-Tampa Bay game today and I have to say that I was really pleased with Fox's coverage of Joe Gibbs's return to football after a twelve year hiatus, which is to say that I didn't think they overhyped him at all. For instance, when Chris Collinsworth noted that so complete was Joe Gibbs's knowledge of the game that there would be no point in playing out the rest of the season, given that an ultimate Gibbs victory would never be in doubt, I had to nod my head in agreement. And when Joe Buck suggested simply chucking the Super Bowl format altogether in favor of the brand new AT&T 1-800-Collect Nokia Gibbs Bowl (brought to you by Verizon), pitting the Washington Redskins against the New England Patriots for the the newly renamed Joe Gibbs Trophy, I was amazed by his brilliant foresight. But Troy Aikman topped them all by not only suggesting that the Gibbs Bowl be held in the newly-christened RBC Wachovia Bank of America Joe Gibbs Stadium, but that Joe Gibbs be cloned twice and that the two Gibbs babies coach the opposing teams, lest another hapless coach be overwhelmed by the incredible coaching acumen of the original Gibbs. That's only fair. After all, even the Gibbs babies would have a grasp of the intricacies of the game that would be greater than 98% of all other NFL coaches, assuming that the other 2% were Joe Gibbs after suffering massive head trauma, which would still be better than any other coach. Except maybe for Bill Parcells, although only if super-intelligent aliens from the planet Gibbs replaced his brain with that of Joe Gibbs. Thank you, Joe Gibbs. Thank you for returning from your self-imposed exile in the world of nitro-burnin' funny car hillbilly racing and gracing us once again with your great football mind. May you bring us 1,000 championships in a 1,000 years and rain of fire to all the nonbelievers! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs!