Kinetic

Where's the first 'i' in my username in that sig? Me'Shell N'dege-K'Netic.

6'0", 140 pounds. I don't understand why you guys don't just lose some weight. Never been a problem for me. My wind, though. Man. Years of smoking have rendered me incapable of doing anything particularly strenuous for more than a few minutes without becoming a hyperventilating mess.

It's quite all right. You're still my boy, Spiff. I'm going to go with myself vs. Venkman, although I wouldn't be at all upset if he won. This was absolutely my most challenging year of boarding, and there were certainly times when it felt like an obligation. My life was crumbling around me, but I still managed to put in a solid 4-6 hours a day. The girlfriend's birthday? "Sorry, babe. I gotta finish this bob_barron video." Important job interview? "I've almost got the chorus to 'Gas Station,' I can't stop now." Last conversation with a dying grandparent? "Sorry, Grandma. I got Patrick Spoon on the other line." I don't have a lot of money. What I do have is a very specific set of skills that will make life extremely difficult for someone like you. If you let my daughter go, that will be the end of it. I will not search for you. But if you do not, I will find you. And I will kill you. I'll take Agent in the other matchup. Both of these guys are great. It's like choosing between testicles.

Oh, shit. Superman wears Dandy pajamas.

Um. Yeah, I'm sure we could grab a drink somewhere. You'll have to promise not to beat me up, though.

Maybe even the pinnacle of all things manly. It's Michael Jordan at a middle school.

I don't, but I'm sure that I could find somewhere for Gruden to take a shit. He's actually going to be up here next season anyway, so it'd be a relatively short trip for him from Qwest Field to my front stoop.

I'm starting to think that the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl this year. It'll be like when Indy won it a few years ago: they've been on the verge of winning a title for years, but then actually do it with a team that appeared to be going nowhere as late as week 16. No part of me really wants to see McNabb get a ring, but I think that's the road we're heading down. And he'll do it against the Ravens, the team that got him benched and started this particular story arc.

So long, Dungy. The guy is undoubtedly one of the most important figures in the whole weird and ridiculous history of the Tampa Bay Bucs. It's a testament to the guy's sheer naked awfulness as a postseason coach that he didn't manage to get any more rings out of the great teams he had both in Tampa and Indy. But a great regular season coach, as well as one of the all-time great men to ever be associated with pro football. Hope he enjoys retirement.

Venkman Kinetic Agent Vitamin X My god, these are literally ripping me in half!

Cardinals/Anyone would be horrible. Having watched that absolutely fucking pitiful week 16 performance of theirs in New England, I'm totally stunned that Arizona has made it this far. But, seriously, the madness has to stop at some point. They would get smothered by either Baltimore or Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl.

Venkman: Inc is a longtime board bud, but Venkman was a much more prolific contributer in 2008. We exchanged PMs the other day! I called him a crouton. Cheech: Again, we're not handing out a lifetime achievement award here. We're rewarding message board excellence in 2008, or something, and "Hot Pants" was undoubtedly the better and more active poster last year. Kinetic: Board hard. That's my creed. My code. Edwin: An excellent poster and a nice guy. And a regular sports folder contributer who's never been responsible for any sort of obnoxiousness. Not a lot of us can say that. KOAB: I don't know that I expected KOAB to make this sort of run, but I'm having trouble voting against him. He can do the whole "I'm drunk, my life is a mess" thing without being totally unbearable, which, again, not a lot of us can claim. Agent: Typically the straw that stirs the drink in the weekly NFL threads, and a very funny guy at the bottom of the board. Kreese: Another swell guy. I'm glad that I only have to suck everyone's dick once a year. It feels wrong. Vitamin X: Even though he replaced a gimmick account thread that I worked very hard on with dinosaur porn, he's a good guy. Also, a fellow transplant to the Pacific Northwest.

Well, folks, this is why I don't bet money on football. Arizona's got about an 81% chance of holding onto this lead in the second half.

I've been conditioned to enjoy sloppy, low-scoring games, so I was thoroughly entertained by this one. The three turnovers were obviously the difference. No Bodin tonight for Arizona. They're gonna get smoked.

Well. I'm both relieved and a little surprised to find that I didn't share any embarrassing stories in that thread. I certainly wasn't above it, and I definitely recall posting a big ol' tl;dr detailing every last excruciating detail of a relationship I had when I was 16. I think I even threw the lyrics to "Idiot Wind" in there. Good god.

I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you guys that I was Chris Simms.

I had one of those Ultimate Warrior pillows! He was wearing the championship belt. I saw that thing on a YouTube video a few weeks ago, and it was like being punched in the face by the past.

I also accidentally stumbled upon a WWF show while flipping through channels as a kid. It was the Shawn Michaels/Marty Jannety "Barber Shop" angle. I was immediately hooked. This seems like a fairly strange thing to have gotten me into wrestling, as I had no idea who either guy was and no context for anything that was happening. I guess I just really liked seeing a guy get thrown through a fake barber shop window.

It's DECISION TIME~! on fucking 3rd-and-goal from the one.

My prediction:

I didn't even get the chance to vote for Roho! And I was the one who started this whole stupid argument. And I'm no math whiz, but it seems fairly obvious that Arizona has a 50% chance of winning their game this weekend. It isn't like, y'know, "will Bob Barron get laid this weekend" where there are all sorts of variables. They will either win or they will lose. Therefore, it's a 50% chance. That said, I think they're going to get crushed. As much as I fucking hate Carolina, it's been pretty amazing how DeAngelo Williams has emerged this year. Steve Smith is amazing, and maybe the best receiver in the NFL right now. The defense is solid. The only unknown with this team is Delhomme, who can either be really good or unimaginably awful. I don't see Carolina being as jarred to be taken out of their game as Atlanta was, and therefore anticipate a pretty comfortable Panther victory. I actually think these guys are winning the NFC this year, only to lose to Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl.

Early 20s, yeah. That's kinda what I figured, too; that, age-wise, he'd fall somewhere between a newborn child and Incandenza.

Smartly Pretty turns 17 today. Why didn't I know that this guy was so young? He kept sending me money to ship him crates of booze, and I'm like "whatever gets you through the night, pal." I didn't know he was a goddamn teenager. I could have gone to jail.

Venkman: Has been the subject of a number of my dreams recently, and was the true inspiration for my "Dreams: What do they mean?" thread in Graphics Testing. It was he who convinced me to abandon my post at the Golden Pantry in my terrifying Redd Foxx dream; it was he who filled my burrito with PCP and forced me to smoke it through the small hole in the aluminum foil in my burrito-smoking dream; and, most horrifically of all, it was he who caught the 70-yard bomb from Brett Favre that was called back by a holding penalty in my Favre-to-Venkman dream. You could claim that he's only revealed his eyes and eyebrows here, but I wouldn't believe you; to me, in each of his posts, he reveals a little bit of his soul. Incandenza: My top phone buddy here, and #3 overall in my Fave Five. Inc and I have our Board Buddy Phone Time every Sunday night, in conversations sometimes lasting as long as three hours. I cherish these talks, and have come to regard them as a means of recharging my batteries before another week of crushingly meaningless life stuff. Though he's been somewhat preoccupied battling his various venereal diseases over the last few years, he's still one of the few genuine treasures of this board whenever he's around. Byron: I sometimes struggle to remember what my life was like before TSM brought Byron into my life. I'm reluctant to even call it a life, really. What was I doing, and who did I think I was kidding? I wish that someone had told me how ridiculous I looked. You see, Byron has shown me that no matter how hip you may think yourself to be, there's bound to be some prick in Michigan or something who's about a million times cooler than you ever could be. So you probably shouldn't even try. Slayer: I wish that Slayer would stop sending me instant messages. Our conversations were enjoyable at first, but he has become increasingly threatening and insistent over the last several months. He hides it well, and in a public forum like this one you'd never know anything had changed. But in private, he's become a kind of monster. I want to cut off contact, but I fear that I'll never meet anyone else to share instant messages with. I'm not sure what to do. Also, Ortonsault should marry a Somali pirate if he likes them so much. Kinetic: Remember that thread snuffbox started about mailing anthrax to orphanages? I do. Matt Young: I also have trouble telling the "Canadian______" guys apart. But no one--not David Faustino, not anyone--has ever been mistaken for Matt Young. If Fartsauce is TSM's very butthole, then Matt Young is its smug, smirking taint. Mellow: I understand that mellow likes his pancake stacks short and sassy. He calls them "sassystacks." Edwin: Edwin MacPhisto has a very serious drinking problem. If, at some point in the coming weeks and months, he asks you to deposit your spare change into a PayPal account he has set up, do not do it. He will only spend it on booze. I have established a separate account dedicated to raising money to get him back on his feet: PM me for details on how to donate money to his cause. And pray that we're not too late. KOAB: KOAB has a very serious drinking problem. If, at some point in the coming weeks and months, he asks you to deposit your spare change into a PayPal account he has set up, do not do it. He will only spend it on booze. I have established a separate account dedicated to raising money to get him back on his feet: PM me for details on how to donate money to his cause. And pray that we're not too late. Smues: Smues, AKA Grizzly Man, was killed during the filming of a movie documenting his unique lifestyle. I dedicated my victory in the TSM Fantasy Football League to his memory, and will donate any of my winnings in this tournament to his widow. Godspeed. Pbone: Men of good fortune often cause empires to fall, while men of poor beginnings often can't do anything at all. The rich son waits for his father to die, while the poor just drink and cry. And me? I just don't care at all. Men of good fortune very often can't do a thing, while men of poor beginnings often can do anything. At heart they try to act like a man; handle things the best way they can. They have no rich daddy to fall back on. Men of good fortune often cause empires to fall, while men of poor beginnings often can't do anything at all. It takes money to make money, they say. Look at the Fords, but didn't they start that way? Anyway, makes no difference to me. Men of good fortune often wish that they could die, while men of poor beginnings want what they have and to get it they'll die. All those great things that life has to give! They wanna have money and live! But me? I just don't care at all. Agent: He once offered to help me get a job at his warehouse, which is more than any of you other fuckers can say. Kreese: While I do find Sensei John Kreese's claim to have fathered 13 children with 11 different women a tad reprehensible, I think that, with Denver's zone blocking scheme, he can be effective on third downs and in goal line situations. Treble: Deep moveset. Crisp delivery. Believable selling. His time in the fabled Hart family "dungeon" really paid off. Milky: Okay, but who hasn't used their girlfriend's menstrual blood to write their internet handle on her ass? Vitamin X: While I'm somewhat concerned by the extremely detailed fan fiction he's written about killing Ichiro Suzuki, I'd gladly accept his invitation to catch a Mariners game.

I was thinking about smoking pot earlier today, but I wouldn't know where to begin to try to buy some. Plus I don't have anywhere to smoke it. And I don't have any money. So, probably not going to happen. I did have a beer last night, however. Never before had I felt so grateful to be drinking a Budweiser.