Kinetic

You'd have to be a fucking idiot to have unprotected sex with someone that you're not seriously dating or married to. I mean, noboby actually likes wearing condoms, all right? You lose a lot of sensation, they smell weird, they tug at your pubic hairs and make you screech like a little girl, etc. But if you take even a second to consider the alternatives, I'd hope that you'd come to the conclusion that losing a bit of feeling is preferable to ruining your life.

Remember how you felt on September 11, 2001? The hunger you felt because you couldn't tear yourself away from the television to make breakfast. The anger you felt when you realized that CBS wouldn't be airing Everybody Loves Raymond that evening. The world changed on 9/11. America changed on 9/11. And here we are in 2008, in the midst of an uninspiring campaign season, dealing with an antiquated law that smacks of 9/10 thinking. I speak, of course, of the presidential term limit. We're at war, ladies and gentleman. We need a war president. We need the war president. Does anyone here honestly feel comfortable handing over the reins of our righteous campaign against that godforsaken desert on the other side of the world to Hillary Clinton? Come on. Go with the devil you know and amend the constitution to allow for four more years of Bush. Four More Years! Four More Years!

DEN @ CLE The dawn of the Brady Quinn era is upon us. I think he'll give the offense a spark and the Browns will edge out the reeling Broncos. NO @ ATL Bit of a tough one. Atlanta is playing really well, but New Orleans is still desperate to get back into the NFC South race. And they're coming off of a bye week. I'm going to have to take New Orleans here. TEN @ CHI Another tough one. I'm not as confident as some others that Grossman will have his one good game of there year here, and I see no reason why Collins won't have a good game against a surprisingly mediocre Bears defense. Titans win and stay undefeated. JAC @ DET Jacksonville is a major disappointment this year. Is it possible that they'll give two awful teams their first wins of the year in consecutive weeks? No, I don't think so. Jags take this one. BAL @ HOU Watch out for surprising Baltimore. They're playing pretty well right now and I think they're good enough to beat an okayish Houston team on the road. Ravens in this one. SEA @ MIA The Dolphins could be over .500 with a win here. That was almost unfathomable coming into the season. Seattle is just a miserable team, and they're making the longest possible road trip here and it's a 1:00 game. No way this is even competitive. Dolphins win handily. GB @ MIN I like the Vikings to avenge their Week 1 loss here. Peterson should give the Packers run defense fits. BUF @ NE I think this is a really interesting game, as no one was tormented more during New England's reign of terror atop the AFC East than the Bills. This is a great opportunity for a hot-and-cold Bills team to prove that they're ready to topple the Pats. I don't think they'll do it. Patriots win. STL @ NYJ I find the Jets to be crushingly boring, for whatever reason. Even with the ol' Gunslinger. Thomas Jones is quietly having a good year and I think he'll lead New York to victory here. The bloom will officially be off the rose for Haslett in St. Louis. CAR @ OAK Oh, my goodness. This will almost certainly get ugly in a hurry. Panthers by 100. IND @ PIT No reason why Pittsburgh shouldn't pummel Indy here. This should go a long way toward establishing the Steelers as a legit AFC contender, while simultaneously putting another nail in the coffin for the Colts. KC @ SD Wouldn't be at all surprised to see this be a really competitive game. That said, the Chargers should be able to squeak one out in the end. If not, they're done. NYG @ PHI Jerome Bettis tells me that this ain't gonna be nothin' but a backyard fistfight. I like the sound of that. Philly really needs to win this if they have any hope of winning that division, so I think they'll find a way to pull it out. SF @ ARI What a terrible Monday night game. Cardinals win easily.

This conversation is trying my patience. Talk to the hand, Venkman, talk to the hand.

I hope you asked her what she meant.

I can't imagine Bush doing anything other than retiring to that ranch in Crawford and staying out of the public eye for as long as possible. He'll get a library somewhere down the road and probably write (or dictate, anyway) a memoir, but I seriously doubt that he'll be Carteresque in his post-presidential visibility.

You're a few months late on that one, Venk.

As TSM goes, so goes the nation. A pity that the Republicans didn't think to run La Parka.

Hey, man. No more "Campaign 2008" thread. Feels weird, like losing your wristwatch.

He is a senator, you know.

We made history tonight, though, didn't we? The first new president to be elected in the TSM era. Don't be surprised if the media overlooks this angle.

Hugs all around, Liberal Echo Chamber. We got it! We got it!

Well. Seems like it isn't going to happen. So. Obama. Secretary of the Treasury 50 Cent, anyone?

I mean, they gave him $8 million for eight games. They gave a second round pick to Atlanta for a guy that not only did nothing there, but was barely even given the opportunity to do anything. It'd be a real shame if Michael Crabtree gets drafted into that horseshit. Guy could be amazing on a real NFL team.

Oh, my god. How could anyone be a fan of this team? I know the history and everything, but goddamn. Go ahead and release DeAngelo Hall and Javon Walker and Tommy Kelly and all of the guys that you paid out the ass for this offseason, just because they couldn't produce in a completely dysfunctional environment with no consistency on the coaching staff. I'd rather be a Lions fan. I'm not kidding.

Now it looks like Indiana is tilting in the opposite direction. Nooooo, Agent and Alfdogg and the rest.

You get RickRolled or something?

Actually, it's a federal crime to cross state lines in order to have sex with a minor via exploiting the differences in states' AOC laws. Yes, I know it's mean to spoil the joke with obscure facts, I am sorry. Listen, that's for the courts to decide. If I'm doing it right, she won't remember anything anyway.

Seems like they're close to calling Indiana for Obama. Bad news for McCain.

South Carolina is already the nation's child predator paradise. It makes me feel good to know that if I'm looking for cheap gas or legal pubescent girls, I needn't look far.

I totally understand that mindset, too. But due to the length of Fulmer's tenure at Tennessee, I thought they'd probably wait until after the season. Then again, this is likely to be the worst season in the history of that program, so I can see why they'd be eager to act.

haha. If it's on there, I'm definitely voting for it. "Lobotomy Schoolboy Dreamscape" over "Mr. Tambourine Man," yeah, sure.

Bears fans are almost invariably the loudest non-local group in any sports bar. There was a bunch of them at Buffalo's on Sunday and they were YELLING the WHOLE TIME. I'd keep turning around to see what was happening in that game, and it was almost always something mundane like a six yard gain. They had a fucking fit when Orton got hurt. Tears all around.

"I am a Lonesome Hobo" being the song to represent John Wesley Harding doesn't sit quite right with me. There might be five songs on that album that I like better. "As I Went Out One Morning" or "All Along the Watchtower" or "Dear Landlord." Even "I Pity the Poor Immigrant" or "I'll Be Your Baby Tonight." And "Masters of War" over, say, "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall." Don't know about that. From that album, I'd say either that one or "Blowin' in the Wind" or "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright."

I understand that Barack Obama is in favor of a playoff system. Bear that in mind as you head out to the polls today, folks.