Kinetic

If only they'd had the foresight to do a cursory MySpace runthrough, this whole sordid mess might have been avoided.

The guy could have been the writer of some sort of urban Goosebumps.

Bubba Del Ray(Larry the Cable Guy) is a recently widowed father of three who has nearly bankrupted the family in attempts to save his lingering wife. Bubba is working on a business deal to get the family out of debt when he climbs into the taxicab of a maniacal Arab. In an attempt to end the ensuing mania, Bubba proclaims that he is in fact Allah and orders the driver to stop the cab immediately. Overwrought with the confrontation, the driver releases the steering wheel. The taxi slams into the barrier of a bridge and teeters over a river. As Bubba frantically tries to exit, the vehicle topples into the river, an incident which appears to kill both occupants. Rather than awakening to a day of reckoning, Bubba finds himself floating around the lab of a scientist studying the paranormal who agrees to "send [him] back". Bubba, who had neglected to get life insurance before his accident, fears that his children will grow up impoverished without him. As a floating spirit that can only be seen in darkened rooms, Bubba returns to his house and concocts a scheme to somehow finish his business deal and be approved for health coverage before his body is discovered and news of his death is made public. His children are in on the plan and try their best to keep their father's secret. I call it Redneck Ghost Dad.

"White Lightning." As most of you know, the title “White Lightning” refers to bootleg liquor, and like its legal lesser proof cousins, most of the “best stuff” comes from the South. Larry the Cable Guy plays Gator McClusky, a man doing time for ‘running’ illegal liquor. He’s offered a deal to be released early from prison if he’ll work with the Feds to infiltrate the rum-runners in Bogen County, AR. Gator accepts the deal, not so much to bring down the moonshiners but to exact revenge on the corrupt Sheriff who’s responsible for killing his younger brother. Bobby McClusky wasn’t part of the family moonshine, seeking a college degree instead. He was senselessly killed due to the local law’s prejudice against “no good activist hippies”. Will Gator get his revenge against the corrupt sheriff? Will there be lots of great car chases? Will Larry make you smile with his trademark laugh? I think you can answer all of these questions without seeing the movie. Like Paul Newman, Larry the Cable Guy's best movies are the ones where he plays the anti-hero we can’t help but to root for. He brings an easy charm to the role, but if you notice he can hold his own just doing straight drama. “White Lightning” will have some classic Larry the Cable Guy wisecracks, but the overall tone is serious. It has a lot more in common with “Delta Farce” than “Witless Protection” in that regard. It doesn’t hurt that Larry is surrounded by a strong supporting cast. Bill Engvall is the connection the Feds provide him with, but is reluctant to help for obvious reasons. Ashton Kutcher plays Dude, the county’s leading moonshine runner, and he has an easy, brassy charm similar to Larry's.

There's a reliable source if I ever saw one.

Were Georgia to run the table this year, they'd almost be assured the top spot in the BCS at the end of the regular season. I don't think they will, but whatever. When you have a schedule that includes Arizona State, Alabama, Tennessee, LSU, Florida, and Auburn, I think you should be allowed a little tune-up against Georgia Southern. Why am I defending Georgia?

I'm sure this will be the source of much brow-furrowing and consternation amongst the assorted dudes and bros here in Athens, but it's pretty irrelevant. Georgia will have plenty of opportunities to play themselves back into the top spot later in the season.

"A superhunky bad-boy ice hockey player from cold country." Ahahaha, oh brother.

Yes.

TheLukester David Schwimmer

Decades of heartache broken up only by occasional periods of the team not existing. There's an impending quarterback controversy, with one of the guys being a scrub coming off of a flukey good year and the other being a latent homosexual from the nation's most abhorrent major college football program. The defense should be better but won't be. The head coach is one Shoney's breakfast buffet away from a major coronary situation. The team plays in a city playfully (but accurately) referred to as "The Mistake by the Lake." 8-8.

Yes.

Another violent crime in Murder City. How has our friend Incandenza managed to survive down there for so long?

Charlie Marvin Jimm Ross

Yeah, it's a shame that the entire "Boardum" thread isn't preserved somewhere for the benefit of future generations. Society's loss, I guess.

I'm pretty sure he meant Bernard Berrian.

Yeah, I heard Cindy McCain mention that on This Week with George Snuffleupagus. I'm struggling with that one a little bit. What have Alasko-Russian relations been like under Palin? The Cindy McCain interview served to really piss me off, actually. Why do people who have inherited a lot of money get so upset when it's pointed out that they've inherited a lot of money?

WSH@NYG DET@ATL SEA@BUF NYJ@MIA KC@NE TB@NO STL@PHI HOU@PIT JAC@TEN CIN@BAL DAL@CLE CAR@SD ARZ@SF CHI@IND MIN@GB DEN@OAK

Is every team message board that bad? The Bucs one is really similar in that there's constant "the sky is falling" overreaction to every piddling little detail of everything the team has done this offseason. There were even a couple of "pack it in, the season's over" threads because Chris Simms was released. The fuck, people? And the grammar! This place is like a message board for librarians compared to that place. Plus, there's no cursing and every sarcastic statement has to be posted in blue. I don't know why I lurk there. Better to stick to this here Patriots board.

It's the 4th quarter in a packed Louisiana Superdome and the Saints lead by 3. Outside the waterlogged and battered city struggles with the aftermath of another devastating hurricane, but inside the beloved Saints are but one 3rd-and-1 conversion away from sealing a victory against division rival Tampa Bay. Offensive genius Sean Payton calls a daring quadruple reverse, the ball eventually ending up in the hands of Reggie Bush five yards behind the line of scrimmage. He jukes and eludes one tackler, visions of a "Reggie Bush Saves New Orleans" headline in Monday's Times-Picayune dancing through his head. He has one man to beat. Bush spins, is hit, and he fumbles the ball. It's recovered by Cato June and returned 73 yards for a touchdown. The Saints lose, New Orleans reels, and the team is eventually moved to L.A. 24-20, Bucs.

TSM has released Swarley, Anakin Flair, Brocklock, The Flamboyance, Silence, MARTYEWR, foleyfanforever88, kirkovic, UndertakerHart, invader3K, megaadvice, and alro. Corey Lazarus, The Poster Formerly Known as EHME, and bob barron have been designated for assignment to TSM Europa. Brooklyn Zoo, Cran Da Maniac, and boon have been signed to the practice squad.

That wouldn't surprise me at all. Their big issue last year was injuries. If they can stay healthy this year and not fall too far behind NO and/or Tampa while Steve Smith is suspended, then who knows? They have a fair amount of talent and a coach who needs to have a good year to save his job. I'd say they're in the 8-10 win range and right in the mix for the NFC South at the end of the year.

A very special birthday message to Dandy from Chris Berman: name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>&"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src=" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350" />

A very special birthday message to two very special posters (and Enigma):