Kinetic

I made up the thing about Zsasz being a GNR fan. It did seem plausible, though, didn't it?

Chicago's defense (including the starting unit) got lit up tonight. This team has question marks at quarterback, running back, wide receiver, every offensive line position, and apparently at several defensive positions. Their special teams should be solid though, except on kick return coverage, where they'll struggle. 4-12.

I'll give this a shot: 1. "The Modern Age" 2. "Last Nite" 3. "Under Control" 4. "You Only Live Once" 5. "Hard to Explain"

A real QB showcase tonight on Fox, as Kyle Orton's Chicago Bears take on J.T. O'Sullivan and the San Francisco 49ers. It's the third preseason game, too, so these talented youngsters should be on the field well into the second quarter.

I work nights all but two days a week, so it's likely that I'll have to pre-rank and let the thing draft for me.

So he's diagnosed with cancer on Sunday and is dead by Thursday? Terrifying.

I call for a national age of consent. Put it somewhere around the 9-10 area. The legal drinking would then be set at 12. Old enough to bleed, old enough to...drink. Beer.

Should Tebow win a second Heisman this year, I feel that it would be appropriate--nay, necessary--for me to tattoo some reminder of the feat on my person. What tattoo and where? Perhaps Urban Warfare and I could get a split heart tattoo, one spelling "Te" and the other "Bow." What says you?

Lower the age of consent, then lower the legal drinking age. We're doing this in the wrong order.

I never really cared for them, but I had quite a few blob-like stoner friends for whom they were the pinnacle of popular music. They're better than Staind, I'll give em that.

Didn't we long ago establish that the Banky story was bullshit?

Dubious. LSD seems to encompass some of South Carolina, all of North Carolina, and about half of Virginia.

While scrolling past the Video Games folder, I misread "I Have One Month of Xbox Live" as "I Have One Month to Live." I was briefly excited by the idea of a poster pledging to live out his final days playing Madden and drinking endless bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red FTW!

Zsasz was one of those Guns N Roses pricks from up in Music. I heard that he went on some sort of Chinese Democracy-related hunger strike and ended up becoming a monk.

The Doobie Brothers (Jimmy and Johnny Doobie) were originally imagined as a vaguely countercultural answer to the Everly Brothers, as evidenced by their celebrated 1967 marijuana paean "Unchained Doobie." They eventually settled into a permanent MOR funk and were eventually fronted by "Stuff That No People Like" mainstay Michael McDonald. Some version of the band can be seen at a state fair near you to this very day. So I guess that the doobie came before the egg. I don't know where Scooby fits into all of this.

Derrick Brooks for the Bucs makes sense. The bar is set so low that only one guy on their list (Lee Roy Selmon) never suited up in the current uniform.

Culpepper is an idiot. He actually thought he could go into Pittsburgh and compete with Roethlisberger for the starting job, even knowing that they had just signed Ben to a ridiculous contract this offseason. His case is less a situation of him not wanting to accept a mentor role than it is a case of him being washed up physically and also not having any sort of wisdom to impart unto a younger QB. I don't know what Plummer's deal was, as he would have had every opportunity to win the starting job in Tampa had he decided to show up.

I'm pretty sure that Warner already wants out of Arizona and hasn't been particularly shy about it. I think Leinart sucks a dick and Warner is probably the better option, but a rational person could understand why the Cardinals need to give Beer Bong every opportunity to succeed. Some guys just can't accept the mentor/backup role and fade out gracefully.

If all music can be categorized as being either Apollonian or Dionysian, then Czech--probably through no fault of his own--is definitely an Apollonian kinda guy. Sublime, on the other hand, is like a beer-soaked, spooge-filled condom thrown in the face of overbearing parents, uncaring teachers, and girls that won't give you the time of day. Sublime is all about being alive, man; alive as a teenager with a pocket full of trouble and nothing to lose. It's just not your world, brother. Stick to the Steely Dan.

I have to resist the urge to get too excited about anything that happens in the preseason, but I will say that the Bucs looked a lot better tonight than they did last week. Oh, man, the mouthbreathers at the official Buccaneers message board are going nuts tonight. Even the reliably levelheaded semi-literates like maryjane420bucsfan are predicting a Super Bowl run.

If that's the case, then I want Pau Gasol answering to whoever the Chinese equivalent of Al Sharpton is on whatever the Chinese equivalent of the Don Imus show is ASAP.

I see that Dennis Dixon got extensive playing time in the Buffalo/Pittsburgh game tonight. Fairly pedestrian passing numbers, but 2 rushes for something like 54 yards and a TD. The fuck are they going to do with that guy?

I had actually never listened to one second of sports talk radio until a little over a year ago, when I was laid up with an illness and had no other way to follow the NBA playoffs. I'm sort of hooked now and I generally find it to be not unpleasant, but Cowherd is just awful. Not Stephen A. Smith awful, but terrible nonetheless. I was listening to him one morning and I think I came into it in a bad mood; maybe a hangover, I really don't remember. Anyway, he went from telling me that I don't really care about any teams other than the Patriots, Cowboys, Yankees, Red Sox, and Lakers to telling me that Arrested Development sucked because no one watched it. The whole "no one cares about your small-market team" argument is one of those things in sports that pisses me off to no end, and tossing in a totally unnecessary series of insults towards a show I hold in very high regard was salt in the wound. I wanted to throw the radio out the window.

This story was getting a lot of play on sports talk radio this morning. Dan Patrick raised the question of whether it would be a bigger story if they were mocking black players (yes). Colin Cowherd somehow managed to turn it into a 45 minute diatribe on how the American media hates successful people ("CEOs, pug-nosed ESPN radio show hosts, President Bush...") and wants us all to believe that Europeans are both more sophisticated than us and too backwards to realize that this would be considered offensive. Oh, do I ever hate Colin Cowherd. Everything comes back around to his fear that rich white men are being targeted and are rapidly becoming an endangered species. And he uses way too many stripper analogies. "LeBron James is like the one really hot stripper at a rundown, hole-in-the-wall joint in Akron, okay? He just is." What a tard. Anyway, I don't think we should spend too much time trying to figure out why there's so little outrage over this. Let's just be thankful for it and move on.

Oh, man. A couple of runs through those clunky, go-nowhere "wha wha girl trouble" duds on Pinkerton and your head really is going to explode.