Kinetic

Larry the Cable Guy plays conservative commentator Glenn Beck in Hard Knocks: The Glenn Beck Story. This is the last Glenn Beck joke I will ever tell. It's out of my system.

But what of the Ann Coulters of the world who would sooner vote for Hillary than McCain? Who will cream their jeans?

I think that unsubstantiated rumor was dealing with a hypothetical situation in which Obama has the most delegates going into the convention but sees the nomination hijacked by Clinton and the traditional party elites. That will almost certainly not happen.

Why does Michelle Obama hate America so much? America gave her Ivy League schools, fancy cars, jet planes, beautiful women...I just don't get it.

With the 20th pick in the 2008 draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Mario Manningham, WR, Michigan. I also considered Early Doucet and Jonathan Stewart with this pick. The Bucs desperately need playmakers on offense to take some of the pressure off of their defense. Manningham can complement, learn under, and eventually replace Joey Galloway.

Well, you're from Kentucky. You have an intimate knowledge of the trucking industry. Ordinary folks'll eat this stuff up.

*Will Ferrell is an astronaut named Buck Charleston. Government funding to his highly dubious project is being cut and he has to do various amusing ad-libbed things to save it. Your turn.

A serious role for Larry the Cable Guy. He plays the hero who returns from Iraq and takes over his father's trucking business in Tucson, Arizona. He soon discovers that the shippers are corrupt and want him to smuggle illegal loads of cigarettes and slot machines. When he refuses to load such commodities they load his trailer with manure out of spite. He then punches the loaders and they fall face down in the muck. The movie shows the struggles of the American trucker. It shows truckers as knights of the highways struggling against big business and politics. He must haul illegal loads or he does not work at all. The movie depicts the issue of driver fatigue, overworked tired drivers trying to stay awake driving all night. The climax of the movie is when the hero crashes his truck into the giant sign of the corporation who caused him to suffer as an independent trucker. The truck is totaled, the driver goes to the hospital, and then he and his wife drive off into the sunset.

Larry the Cable Guy stars as Buddy Pigfarm, the manager of a rodeo. A longtime lothario, Buddy has always been very content as a bachelor, but he has begun to feel lately that he'd like to experience fatherhood. His yearnings receive plenty of fuel from his best friends Clem and Dooley, and from his parental-mentor relationship with a young boy, Jimbo. So Buddy decides to seek out a woman who will bear his baby for a price, with no strings attached. He finds Loretta Mabler, a beautiful young music student working as a waitress and yearning for the financial resources to study in Nashville. She agrees to serve as Buddy's temporary companion, but as the months pass and her pregnancy progresses, Loretta begins to fall in love with Buddy, who doesn't return her affections -- at first. I call it Hillbilly Seed. It's based on this movie:

Cletus T. Periwinkle is an easy-going trucker and a great fist-fighter. With two friends - Dale, who promotes prize-fights for him, and Foxworthy, the orangutan he won on a bet - he roams the San Fernando Valley in search of cold beer, country music and the occasional punch-up. But he is floored himself by a dainty little country and western singer, who gives him the slip when she realizes he's getting too serious. Cletus, Dale and Foxworthy set off in pursuit, pestered by bikers. I call it Every Which Way But Good.

Ugh.

But, see, this is the advantage of Internet message boarding. In real life, I can't just kill someone if I dislike them. I can avoid them, but that isn't nearly as satisfying as just wiping them off the face of the planet. On a message board, however, it's entirely possible to just erase a person when their antics have grown tiresome. This is one of those times, gentleman. Let's make it happen.

It seems plausible, and he's a better candidate than, say, Adam Sandler. I say greenlight it.

Will Ferrell plays the title character in a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, re-titled for modern sensibilities as In Da House: Mista Smif Be Polatics. Maybe more of a Martin Lawrence project.

Can someone just ban him already and get it over with?

It's still the first page, gary floyd. Your patience will surely be rewarded.

Will Ferrell is Baptist minister Richmond Blueballs. Will Ferrell is Holocaust re-enactor Randy Butts. I guess this is more like pitching SNL skit ideas. And before anyone says that the idea of a Holocaust re-enactor is tasteless, remember this: Those who fail to re-enact history are doomed to repeat it.

Chicago reportedly cuts Muhsin Muhammad with more cuts said to be coming.

Well, fuck that. Will Ferrell plays a 1970s Evel Knievel-style daredevil who bites off more than he can chew when he vows to jump the Grand Canyon in a shopping cart. Also starring Andy Richter and Vince Vaughn.

Did he already do an Evel Knievel-style daredevil movie? That seems like a perfect fit.

Not sure how you're going to get that down to a PG-13, but I like it.

Will Ferrell plays Cal Berkeley, a crude but beloved 1970s minor league baseball player. The team is in dire straits financially and may soon fold. He has to do various amusing ad-libbed things to save it.

According to most draft experts, yes. All I know is that every bungled pick here brings my mock team one step closer to drafting the player who will lead us to mock glory.

Wow. No way in hell Matt Ryan lasts this long in the real draft.

Yes. But Becht is past his prime and Stevens is a walking PR nightmare with butter fingers. I don't think the Bucs would pick him up and I definitely wouldn't advocate breaking the bank for the guy, but I like the idea of surrounding our weak-armed, Favre-aged QB with guys who can turn short passes into long gains. Within the division, I'd say he'd be more likely to end up in Carolina or New Orleans, though.