Kinetic

Let Chad be Chad. All the stuff he does is invariably entertaining, and he seems like a good guy. And, shit, I hope he does hit Ray Lewis in the mouth. I miss the Sinbad haircut already.

I am absolutely first in line to see this tomorrow. Because Fox cut its distribution in half, I have to drive to an art movie theater in a smaller town to see it, but whatever. And according to the man himself, the whole reasoning behind choosing Kazakhstan as Borat's home country is that the people he'd be interviewing wouldn't know anything about Kazakhstan.

Fuck the NFC East. Is there a team in that division that even has a shot at winning a playoff game? I think Carolina, despite Sunday's loss, makes a point by crushing Dallas next Sunday night. As much as I don't really enjoy watching them every week, I will say that Carolina is a solid team and that Steve Smith is seriously close to unstoppable. If any team in the NFC has a shot at keeping Chicago out of the Super Bowl, it's Carolina. On an unrelated note, Ronde Barber is God, and my Bucs have now beaten McNabb's Eagles three times in a row. All the haters should bear in mind that losing to Philadelphia this week would have been the third time in four games that we'd have blown a fourth-quarter lead. Take a bad throw (by a QB with a ruptured spleen) and Reggie Bush out of the equation, and we could easily be 4-2 right now.

Is that a picture of a wax replica of Theisman? And ESPN's SNF crew the last few years was worse than this MNF crew. Does anybody have anything positive to say about any crew on any network? I think Joe Buck is a smug cocksucker and Troy Aikman's phrasing bugs the hell out of me.

I don't have cable in my apartment, so I have to pick and choose which MNF games look like they're worth sitting around after hours at work to watch. I didn't think this would be one of those games. Even with a win, Chicago's air of invincibility is gone. They'd better hope they don't have to play on the road in the playoffs. Let me also say that Bruce Gradkowski has a lot more upside than Chris Simms, and that the latter individual's spleen-rupturing ass should leave via free agency at the end of this season. I knew we weren't as bad as the first few weeks made it look. I always had this kind of suspicion that Simms was going to be Shaun King v. 2, and here we are.

Not to be confused with your beloved Carolina Panthers, or your beloved Atlanta Falcons or your beloved Arizona Cardinals This is a confusion that only exists in your mind, apparently. I live in North Carolina, but I've never claimed any affiliation with the Panthers. What's more, many longtime TSM readers will recall my mean-spirited gloating (and all of the litigation that followed) after the Bucs' Super Bowl win a few years back. Their subsequent lack of success is a major reason why you don't see me around here much anymore. Their losing has taken all of the fun out of my winning.

In the event that Florida does sweep their October schedule, does it lose some luster with both Auburn and Georgia now having one loss? I mean, they managed to leapfrog West Virginia by beating a highly-regarded one-loss team in LSU, but I'm a little concerned that they've hit the ceiling if USC or Ohio State don't end up losing somewhere along the line.

I honestly hope that the Saints don't win again this year. The combination of Reggie Bush hype and nauseatingly-inspirational Hurricane Katrina bullshit is too much for me. I mean, it's the New Orleans Saints, for God's sake. This is like if a really rollicking blizzard hit Detroit and everyone suddenly took the Lions seriously.

In what poll was Florida #2? That totally blows the whole everyone-sucks-but-the-SEC argument that I was going to make. But, realistically, this is the test for the Gators. If they can beat Auburn, they should be able to handle Georgia, South Carolina, and Florida State, and will have earned the right to play Ohio State in the National Championship Game.

I suspect we'll be doing the McNabb Shuffle all the way through the end of the season on Sunday nights, as the NFC East should be competitive all the way through and features the BIG MARKET~! teams other competitive divisions (NFC South, for instance) lack. But because I think the Giants and Saints will falter down the stretch, I'd say the only real three-team race is in the AFC North. So check your schedules for those games, too. Some major, major markets involved there.

Denver/New England had the potential to be good, and was a rematch of a playoff game from last year. Denver/Oakland features a totally hopeless team that can claim losses to both Cleveland and San Francisco this season and, even based on last season, has no business anywhere near a primetime game. And who won the goddamn game tonight?

What's the score in the Denver/Baltimore game? I'd also like to issue an apology on behalf of my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers for subjecting the world to another 3-4 weeks of Reggie Bush fawning. It seemed like some media people were starting to come around to the idea that this guy really can't be successful out of the backfield in the NFL and guys like Maroney and Maurice Drew were starting to get noticed as legitimate OROYC. But, alas, I think I saw highlights of that punt return at least ten times on ESPN at work today. Denver/Oakland is the first crappy Sunday night so far this season. Bring on flexible scheduling.

Simms actually played fairly well today, the early interception notwithstanding. The halftime report on NBC made it seem like he was struggling with something from the very beginning of the game, which would make this a pretty gutsy performance on his part. A ruptured spleen probably doesn't explain the idiotic decision to hurl the ball thirty yards downfield on 3rd and 5 inside of two minutes when Carolina only had one timeout left, but that most likely wasn't Simms's decision. Ugh. Anyway, our season is officially over. An 0-3 start with upcoming games against Atlanta, Carolina, Pittsburgh, Cincy, Chicago, Seattle, and all four NFC East teams wouldn't bode well even with our starting QB. But with Simms likely out for the season, I guess we'll be starting a rookie, Bruce Gradkowski, at QB. That should really cement the Cadillac Williams sophomore slump once and for all.

My brother actually did the military thing. I did the reckless alcoholic thing until a horrifying bout with swollen lymph nodes and bloody diarrhea made me reconsider my lifestyle and get in touch with my old buddy, Brad Garrett. The rest is television history.

Your use of the word "fora" embarrasses us all. For what it's worth to everyone, I'm now splitting time between Asheville and Hollywood, where I'm a staff writer on the show "Til Death". I wrote the one joke where that big doofus from "Raymond" doesn't get along with his wife. A lot of soul searching went into that.

Between all of my court cases and such, it's difficult for me to sort through what ideas are my own and what I got from The Onion. I can say without any doubt that you, Felonies!, have dismissed the NFC South, despite the fact that this division has had a representative in every NFC Championship game since realignment, which no other division can claim. And that plenty of people give a shit about Jacksonville. Chocolate socket, indeed.

I actually enjoy Czech as a poster (although not at all as a person), but I take serious issue with his dismissive attitude toward small-market NFL teams. Like, fuck, why don't we just move all of the teams to Los Angeles? In any event, yes, I do have more pictures of myself in my underwear, but a certain lawsuit (see:Kinetic Is Banned) prohibits me from posting them. Shame, as I've only become sexier as my cock has grown larger.

So, here's the thing. Yeah, I guess I might have exposed myself to underage kids. Sure, I might have to put my name and address on some sort of "sex offender" registry. Yeah, I suppose it's true that I'm not allowed within 100 yards of of anyone under the age of 18. But the thing is that I'm 100% innocent of doing anything other than inadvertantly exposing myself to (and then subsequently taking liberties with) a minor. And, in my mind, it was a victimless crime, despite all the waterworks on the witness stand. Does anyone here have any similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them!

My point stands. Who here hasn't spent at least one Saturday night with your cock in a gloryhole, stifling tears over some unrequited love while being fellated by an anonymous homosexual? If anything, OJ Hart is a metaphor for this entire board.

Hey, Czech and I have the same first name. That may go some way toward explaining why he's "borrowed" every aspect of my internet persona. I mean, I can take Incandenza plagiarizing my thread ideas and jokes, because at least he was my contemporary. But for tis guy to swoop in with ALL of the same interests and MANY of the same mannerisms is just insulting to me. Chocolate socket, indeed.

I don't know the answer to these questions, either. I can say that I once portrayed Metal Ed on this board, and continue to do so at 80s Night each Thursday here in Asheville. And while I didn't say so at the time, I've always felt that OJ Hart got a bit of a raw deal, as his situation mirrored some fairly taboo stuff that I grappled with a few years back. He was the one who fucked his underage cousin, right?

This is completely off-topic, but I think it needs to be mentioned that the NFC South has been represented in four consecutive NFC championship games (Tampa Bay, Carolina, Atlanta, Carolina) and in that span has achieved two Super Bowl berths (Tampa Bay, Carolina) and accounts for the last Super Bowl won by an NFC team.

I pity the many people who have my internet handle tattooed on their bodies. I mean, Metal Ed was funny, but is it really something you can explain to your children?

Who is? Britt Daniel...I should have remembered that. Some years ago, on a dare, I got that very name tattooed on my scrotum.

I don't ever see them mentioned anywhere, but I really like Spoon. The Spoon-master is an underrated songwriter on the very level of Shaggy 2 Dope or even Violent J. Although perhaps the greatest and least appreciated songwriter of this generation is Shane "The Alabama Blacksnake" Diesel, whose slow-picking guitar style and soul-searching lyrics are only slightly overshadowed by his forays into hardcore pornography. That's where the money is, I guess.