Corey_Lazarus

-WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT- *****BEST OF 2003***** -ANNOUNCER OF THE YEAR- * Tazz (SmackDown!) -ROOKIE OF THE YEAR- * Sheldon Benjamin (SmackDown!) -MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER OF THE YEAR- * John Cena (SmackDown!) -PAY-PER-VIEW OF THE YEAR- * Vengeance 2003 -FEUD OF THE YEAR- * OTHER (Los Guerreros/WGTT) -STORYLINE OF THE YEAR- * "The Monster is Revealed" (Kane finally unmasks) -MATCH OF THE YEAR- * Chris Benoit vs Kurt Angle (Royal Rumble 2003) -TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR- * The Worlds Greatest Tag Team (SmackDown!) -SMACKDOWN! WRESTLER OF THE YEAR- * Kurt Angle -RAW WRESTLER OF THE YEAR- * Chris Jericho *~BONUS~* -THE MOMENT OF THE YEAR 2003- * Triple H finally drops the World Heavyweight Title

DUDE...I LOVE THIS EPISODE!!!!! TREY PARKER, I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!!

I don't care. They did a scene from that John Cusack movie (I can't remember the name, and I'm a mark for 80's teen flicks...FUCK) with Stan holding a stereo above his head outside of Wendy's window...genius. Butters is ON tonight.

Replace "aspirin" with "six pack and pack of cigarettes," and you're probably going to be right.

D'Lo's in, and there are 12 minutes left in the allotted program time, so the match should go on for another 5 (if that) so a promo/angle can happen. Jarrett with the stuff that barely worked to get over in 1985, and D'Lo bringing the ATTITUDE (get it?). Kash in, and D'Lo clobbers with with running clotheslines, and then a Flapjack Crusher (flapjack push-up into an Ace Crusher). D'Lo down, and then Kash with the Coast To Coast (springboard somersault dropkick across the ring; somersault Van Terminator without a chair) for 2. AJ and Jarrett in, and AJ doubles JJJ over to run the ropes, and then gets clotheslined down. Brown whips Jarrett into the ropes, lifts him up for the Sky High...and AJ hits a neckbreaker! SKY HIGH NECKBREAKER~! AJ is on top thanks to Kash, and Kash goes for a 'rana, but AJ holds on...STYLES CLASH FROM THE SECOND ROPE!!! CAN HE ROLL HIM OVER?! YES!!! 1...2...3!!!!!!!!! AJ AND D'LO WIN! But Jarrett didn't job...FUCK YOU, JJ!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! Callis shoots the shit with Jarrett (probably talking about post-show plans, such as dinner and sex) as Piper helps D'Lo and AJ to the back. The replay shows Piper hit Kash with the flag, thus costing Kash the win. DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! BAD BOOKING MAKE LAZ MADE!!!! **Laz Hulks Up** LAZ SMASH!!!! **breaks Dutch in half, then goes back to normal size** Erik Watts and Goldy are in the crowd, and Callis/JJJ look over. Yep, promo time. "Blah blah blah, {insert childish insult}, yadda yadda yadda, {insert childish innuendo}, smuh smuh smuh." Next week, Jarrett vs...who? AJ? No. D'Lo? No. Sting? YES! Next week, Triple Hulk Jarrett vs. The Man They Call STING!! But...is it for the NWA World title or not?! A brawl between Jarrett/Kash and Watts closes the show as Sting's ripoff of "Seek And Destroy" (and if you don't know who that's by, then you should go torture small animals) plays and scorpions are shown on the entrance way. Overall, lacklustre show, but doing PBP made it more fun. If only the TV and computer were in the same room!!!

Kid Kash and AJ have totally, utterly, entirely, and COMPLETELY carried this match so far. Aside from a nice double-team move (the double dropkick to a FLYING Kash), D'Lo's done shit, and Jeff...well...fuck Jeff. Kid Kash + AJ Styles = quality match. Kash can sell, bump, and heel his ass off, while AJ is just...well...he's AJ.

I'd like to see their argument, considering Slayer is the band practically responsible for the US Thrash movement (at least the sloppier, more aggressive thrash bands). If they say "Angel Of Death" isn't practically THE metal song, then they're wankers. As for why I consider WASP to not be metal, the music. It's waaay too glam rock. Like, glam rock riffs are usually based on moderate distortion, AC/DC-style drumming (except for solo's), overly simplistic riffs based on rockabilly and blues riffs, and lyrics more about sex and drugs than anything else. I just don't see how one could listen to WASP and then, say, Diamond Head (same era) and call WASP metal.

D'Lo has new entrance music (ripoff of the DMX song..."What's My Name," I think) and a BOXING ROBE~! W00T W00T~! AJ's entrance video sucks. It's just two stills of the Spiral Tap (just the beginning corkscrew, too), a still of the Springboard 450, and a still of him Styles Clashing Kash (should've used a slow-motion clip of the Clash '03, in my eyes).

And just for fun...DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! What's next? The main event, I guess. Jeff Jarrett and his mystery partner are out first (debuting his mystery partner tonight, SOON), and they're going to take on D'Lo Brown and AJ Styles. Unfortunately, as all Jarrett matches are the same, I'll only say who his mystery partner is, and come back with the finish. His partner is...Kid...Kash... DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! Promise us a big name and deliver "Indy Trash" Kid Kash? FUCK YOU, DUTCH!

LowKi's back next week to take on Michael Shane...and thus promising us Michael Shane going over ANOTHER of the US Indy scene's finest with no reason to. Scott Hudson's in the back with Jackyl...er...Cyrus The Virus...err...DON CALLIS, and next week's Gathering/Red Shirts & Abyss match is LOSER...LEAVES...TNA!!! And now the Virus is talking about Hot Rod, and berates Rowdy Roddy while lambasting Erik Watts and Goldilocks (who looks ugly as sin now that her hair's about the equivalent of wet cat fur).

Jarrett, Callis, Legend, Big Vanilla Pitstain (Kevin Northcutt), Kid Kash, Glenn Gilberti, David Young, Abyss, and make Simon/Swinger. Back at ringside after a PLASTIC CHAIR SHOT (which Tenay called "steel," though is obviously made of melted GI Joe figures), and Abyss GETS THE TABLE! Fuck D-Von, Abyss rules! The table is stacked in the corner, and Raven gets to his feet as Abyss makes sure the table stays...and stays...and stays...Raven hits the left, another left, and goes for the discuss lariat, but Abyss catches him with a bearhug. RESTHOLD NUMBARE DU~! Raven's channelling Hulkamania, and comes off of the ropes for a lariat, but gets caught in another bearhug. RESTHOLD NUMBARE TREE! Abyss goes back to the table, and makes sure it stays (duct tape would work, dude, find some). Raven in the corner to his feet, and dodges a spear that sends Abyss shoulder-first into the post. Abyss takes a nap on the second turnbuckle, and then Raven hits a lariat. Whip into the corner, Abyss bounces back...DIVING LARIAT! Raven makes sure the table is set up, and goes for the DDT, but Abyss piucks him up with the Torture Rack Backbreaker. 1...2...RAVEN KICKS OUT...to a lukewarm response. DAMN YOU, NASHVILLAINS! Abyss seems to be waiting for Raven so he can plow his asshole, and goes for another Torture Rack Backbreaker, but Raven turns it into a bulldog. Nice move, actually. Raven covers, but Legend distracts the ref. Raven hits the punch, punch, lariat...and ABYSS SPEARS HIS FUCKING ASS THROUGH THE MOTHERFUCKING CUNTBOX OF A TABLE!! GORE, GORE, GORE!!!!!!!!!!! Neither man moves...and the ref doesn't even count? The shit? Both men struggle to their feet, and Legend hops onto the apron to take out Raven. Abyss goes for a lariat on Raven, but Raven moves. Abyss goes for a clothesline...NO! DDT!!! DD-FUCKING-T!!! FEEL THE...uhh...BANG? Legend pulls the ref out of the ring, and Big Vanilla Pitstain joins him (after attacking Raven, which got a 2 after Abyss covered). The crowd seems to stop listening to Tool, and are now into the match. BEARHUG~! YES~!~!! RESTHOLD NUMBARE FO! Don't lose to a resthold, man! NO! NO! NO! His arm drops once...twice...three times...NO! Raven has life! HE'S ALIVE...ALIIIIIVE!!!! Raven with a lowblow, then a superkick which sends Abyss...over...?...no, THROUGH the ropes, Red Shirts come in, but Raven takes 'em out, and the ref DQ's Abyss (though they never touched him). Abyss hits the Blackhole Slam, and then the Punk Rock Express come in for the save. Punk kicks the fuck out of Big Vanilla Pitstain while Julio breaks Legend's taco, and Raven CLOTHESLINES ABYSS OVER THE TOP~! PIER SIX! I guess they skipped Pier One, but hey, it doesn't look like they shop there anyways. Raven and Abyss are back in the ring, and out, as the Red Shirts and Abyss waste the Punk Rock Express and Raven. Pitstain and Abyss club Raven down, and...NO! They were going to break Raven's arm, but the Punk Rock Express came back! Abyss is alone with Raven adn the PRE in the ring, and Raven waffles him Belgian-style with the chair. Raven gets a mic, "this ain't over," and says he's still standing after taking a Blackhole Slam last week and this week. "I'M STILL STANDING!!!" Next week, The Gathering vs. Red Shirts/Abyss in...First Blood? I didn't hear the stipulation. Holy fuck...that chair is practically bent in half! Tenay reminds us that the match next week is a steel cage match, so hey... NWA TNA...NWA TeNAy...OH MY GOD! TENAY IS JESUS!

Decent match, actually, but the finish blew goat. Sabin won with a Victory Roll after causing Douglas to crash into Traci, and dropkicking RHK before he could interfere. West said "he stole one, Mike!", thus proving to me that they need to fucking MAKE WEST A HEEL ANNOUNCER ALREADY, DAMMIT! Hype video (colored clips from Xplosion promo's) for Raven/Abyss, and here comes Abyss to his CARNIVAL ROCK~! I'm actually looking forward to this match, as Raven's fucking great, and Abyss is fucking great for a HOSS~! Abyss really needs some new clothes, though. Even a pair of normal pants, instead of sweatpants, would be cool. Did I ever mention how much I hate Raven's theme? Because I don't. It's a good ripoff of his WCW theme, which was a ripoff of Nirvana's "Come As You Are." Why not rip off his ECW theme, The Offspring's "Come Out And Play"? Raven comes out in a hoodie, and he's apparently bleached part of his hair. YES~! RAVEN SAT IN THE CORNER~! W00T W00T, OLD SCHOOL~! Staredown int the center of the ring, tie up, in the corner, Abyss CLUBS RAVEN DOWN~!~!!~!~! Raven back up, and Abyss goes back to CLUBBIN~! I wonder if Abyss would like Dusty Rhodes...meh. Raven dodges an avalanche, and Abyss gets crotches on the second turnbuckle, and then Raven slams his head into the top a few times. Off the ropes, and Raven gets hit with a big boot before drop toeholding Abyss out of the ring. Punches, and then Raven slams Abyss into the steps, and whips him into the guardrai...NO! Abyss reverses, and Raven takes it LIKE A MAN~! Abyss with a chokehold (RESTHOLD NUMBARE WUN), and then more CLUBBIN~! I feel like Kotz with all this clubbin' going on. Abyss threatens to rape the cameraman, and then slams Raven's head into the steps before MORE CLUBBIN'~! Punch...punch...CLOTHESLINE...punch...CLOTHESLINES RAVEN OVER THE GUARDRAIL. Brawl in the crowd now, and my PBP goes silent.

Here comes Shane Douglas...and I feel bad for whoever he's wrestling tonight, because they're going to look like shit. LET'S HOPE SHANE DOESN'T PUKE! Who is this...Sonjay? Weird Arabian metal plays...oh, wait, it's part of Shane's "Perfect Strangers" ripoff... Oh no...Shane's going to make HAIL SABIN~! look like shit...motherFUCKER! I'm not going to do PBP for this match, because Douglas will suck it up.

Don Harris. "Heavy D" is Don's nickname, whereas "Big Ron" is Ron's nickname. Yep, standard white trash biker nicknames. DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!!

Boring brawling, and Northcutt goes after Punk, ut eats a springboard crossbody as Legend gets hit with a spinning heel kick by Julio. JULIO IGLESIAS? Non, Julio Dinero. MUCHO DISAPPOINTO~! Nortchutt and Punk in the ring now, lariat gets a 2 by Kevin (who will now be referred to as BIG VANILLA). Legend tags in, and he waffles (mmmm...waffles) Punk with rights. Stomp gets a 2. In the corner of the screen, we see Abyss taking a shit...or something. And now we see Raven...ummmm...watching porn and smoking pot. Whatever. BACK TO THE RING~! Legend with a chinlock to Punk, and there's RESTHOLD NUMBARE WUN~! Punk fights out to no avail (since the Asylum crowd is like a real asylum crowd: HEAVILY SEDATED), and Punk nails a forearm before going for a tag, but Legend catches him and tags in BIG VANILLA~! YES~! GIANT SWING~!!~!~! W00T W00T~!!~!~ Legend hits a dropkick out of the GIANT SWING~!, which gets a 2. Some bland heel stuff (eye rakes, fingerpokes, etc.) before Punk reverses a scoop into a School Boy for 1. Sidekick by Legend knocks Punk down, and gets a 2. Wow...WWE Women's move, as Legend stands on Punk's hair and pulls his arms up. Legend with the RUNNING IMMORTAL FISTDROP, which gets 2. A standing "Shit On Your Face" armbar by Legend, and there's RESTHOLD NUMBARE DU! Punk's reaching for Julio's junk (I guess to make a tag), but Legend brings in Big Vanilla, who goes to town on Punk's salad...for 2. And my hand hurts from having to wank to get interested in this match (no, really, not even the promise of an orgasm makes Big Vanilla interesting)...and I think Big Vanilla played Pitstain on Pete & Pete. Seriously! LOOK AT THAT SWEAT~!!~! Suplex gets 2, and Punk is playing the Ricky Morton of the Punk Rock Express (which I'll call Julio/CM from now on). Tag to Legend, and Julio WANTS THE TAG! Ummm...some gay move with a straight jacket puts CM down, but Punk refuses to stay down. FIGHT BACK, PUNK! SPEW THE CM SPUNK INTO HIS EYE AND MAKE THE TAG!!!!! Cobra Clutch (Resthold NUMBARE TREE!) gets reversed into a hiptoss, and Julio is HOUSE...EN...flambé! Punk (or Julio, I was distracted) gets a roll-up (not the delicious fruit kind, mind you) for 3, and Big Vanilla Pitstain is pissed. Scott Hudson's in the back with Douglas, Traci (with an I, DAMMIT!), and RHK. Man, I remember when Douglas could go in the ring...those were the days...

Taped promo with CM Punk and Julio Dinero, where they voice their disgust over Raven abandoning them. Well, that's what they SHOULD be doing, BUT DUTCH WON'T PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! Instead, they're hyping their match with the Red Shirts, where Northcutt will BRING THE VANILLA~! and Julio will BRING THE BOTCHED SPOTS~! Punk and Legend are going to have to haul ass to make this match good, and I'm expecting massive amounts of run-in's (since this is WWE Lite and all).

KICK HIS HILLBILLY ASS, RON! DO IT FOR RODNEY KING! DO IT FOR OJ SIMPSON! DO IT FOR TITO! TITO JACKSON! TITO JACKSON! And Truth gets tossed out, and Harris bumps into Storm, knocking him off of the apron. Elevated high leg lariat gets a 2, and Simon/Swinger are chilling on the ramp. They try to interfere, but BG blocks them, and then Truth kicks ass by FLYING HIGH LIKE ONLY THE SUNTAN SUPERMAN CAN~! Spear by Harris to James, but the ref's out. Wildcat tries to revive the ref as K-Dawg helps Truth up, and Harris applies the SALAD SHOOTER~! SALAD SHOOTER, SALAD SHOOTER~!~!~!!~! Gilberti comes in with a chair to Harris, and Truth hits the SPINNING AXE KICK~!~!~~!~! 3 LIVE KRU RETAINS! TAKE THAT, AMW! FUCK YOU! HAHA!! YAY, DUTCH MANTEL, YAY!!! Wait, what am I saying? DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! But hey, at least 3LK are still tag champs. Scott Hudson's in the back with Triple Hulk Jarrett, and MORE BORING JARRETT PROMO TIME~! W00T W00T~!~!~!~!

I'm just trying to keep myself from buying a plane ticket to Nashville, going to the Asylum packing heat, and taking out Dutch Mantel, Michael Shane, and Jeff Jarrett in a fit of pure rage. That, and trying to find Raven so I can get an autograph.

Didn't some people around here used to say that a wrestler that would just steal his opponent's finishers all the time would be a good gimmick?

I need a fucking cigarette Michael Shane sucks so bad. GOOD WRESTLING AND GOOD BOOKING, MY ANTI-DRUG. Well, I guess that's why I'll probably die by the age of 22 of an OD at this rate. Gilberti's trying to recruit 3 Live Kru for Team Jarrett, and they be all "WUT TH@ F0 SH33ZY?"

I HOPE MICHAEL SHANE BREAKS HIS FUCKING LEG AND IS OUT FOR 5 MONTHS!!!! HE FUCKING SUCKS!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!! DIE, MANTEL, DIE!!!!!

FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!! FUCK YOU DUTCH MANTEL!!!!!!!

And Daniels is BUSTED WIDE OPEN, BAH GAWD...from having his shoulder shoved into the steps. Hey...at least Michael Shane learned how to sell SOMETHING right...

...**crickets chirp as I load the shotgun and put the barrell to Dutch Mantel's temple**... Daniels has a black armband, probably for Malice. Malice was a good big man, and the fans are...in their seats...for Michael Shane...with knives to their throats and razor blades to their wrists... I'm out for a bit, gonna see how bad Michael Shane stinks this match up, so y'all can take over PBP. You dirty wankers.

I see three others are reading this thread, no doubt wishing me (and Michael Shane) a painful death...REPLY, FUCKTARDS, REPLY! Did I mention how much I love Christopher Daniels' complete and utter ripoff of Tool's "Stinkfist" used as his entrance music? Oh, that's right, because it fucking sucks. If you're going to rip off a song for Daniels, use Marilyn Manson's "Disposeable Teens," since that's what Daniels uses everywhere else.