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The Amazing Rando

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  1. The Amazing Rando

    non-winners match feedback

    I hoped that 4200 or so words would be enough to defeat the might Liston, but I was wrong. Oh well...here it is in all it's GLORY....bow down to it...worship it...Praise me. ------------- ::Cue THX music:: vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmm …Recorded In THX Sound… ::Cue Dramatic Opening Montage and deep voiced announcer:: Touchstone Pictures Presents A Jerry Bruckheimer Film… …directed by Micheal Bay… ::doooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn:: *images appear on the SmarkTron of the various combatants* …Tom Hanks… *Liston uses a chair and smacks various people* …Danny DeVito… *Manson tosses bodies over the top rope like nobody’s business* …Denis Leary… *Danny Conklin drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks…and fights too* …Gary Coleman… *Craig McLennan lights his lighter* …”Weird” Al Yankovic… *Bloodshed/Apostle is shown doing destructive things like beating up people, setting things on fire, and taking the last slice of pizza* …also staring… June Lockhart as ‘Judge Mental’ William Hearford III Lassie as Ejiro Fasaki Arnold Schwarzenegger as Annie Eclectic *various shots of the announce team, including any point in which Annie drooled, made suggestive comments, or slapped Judge or Ejiro* …and introducing… …Cutthroat as Dominic Korgath…. *Dominic Korgath beats up everyone smaller than him* …. …. …Ladies and Gentlemen… CALVINBALL …… THE MOVIE …… The SmarkTron switches to a shot of the roof of the Bank of America Arena, showing off various camera crews and trailers in the background along with a huge ring set up in the middle. In a cameo appearance, WWE Wrestler Edge appears in the ring sporting an SJL referee shirt to play the role of Sexton Hardcastle. He smiles a bit to Michael Bay, who looks confused as to why he actually decided to do this project in the first place. Micheal: Alright, Edge…you know your lines and everything right? Edge: Yeah…I’m a wrestler…I know what I am doing! Michael: ….rrrrrrright. The set quiets down for a moment. Michael: Calvinball…Scene One…Take One…ACTION! The scene switches to Judge, Annie, and Ejiro behind an SJL desk, all prim and proper. Judge: Today will be a great day for a fight…even though I do not approve of this sort of thing at all. These boys ought to be ashamed of themselves…right Lassie… Ejiro: WOOF~! Michael Bay loses his mind. Michael: CUT!! Listen June…you have to just read the script…that’s all we ask. Don’t condone the men in the ring…just read the freaking script! That’s all I ask! June: Fine…fine…I better get my money though, bitch. Michael: Alright…whatever…Calvinball…Scene One…Take Two… Judge: Today will be a great day for a fight, right Ejiro? Ejiro: WOOF! Micheal: Ehhh…I’ll let it slide… Annie: Too day es going to be a great day…as these men will try to win my affffffection and take my haht…even though I am lhesbin… Michael: … The scene switches to referee Sexton Hardcastle and the REAL Funyon for introductions. The cameras zoom around at a quick pace to catch the action as Funyon reads from his prepared script. Funyon: Ladies and Gentlemen…the following is a CALVINBALL MATCH-UP~! Introducing first…from Hershey Park, Pennsylvania….he is THE CHOCOLATE DISCO DEMON…..Jimmy Liston~! Tom Hanks comes out from behind the curtain, dressed up all kinds of Liston-like, walking slowly and carrying a box of chocolates. He jumps in the ring, holding his chocolates out for Funyon and Sexton…then he grabs the mic… Liston: Hello…my name is Liston…Jimmy Liston. And I’d like to tell you that my mama always said that Calvinball was like a box of chocolates…you never know what you are gonna get. Funyon takes the mic back quickly as Liston sits in the corner and eats a chocolate or two. Funyon: Yeah…uhmmm…next up…from YOUR Local Bar….he is a complete and utter asshole but all the fans love him…he is Danny Conklin~! Denis Leary walks out, smoking a cigarette and drinking. He flips off the camera but then remembers his character…running around like a drunken maniac before diving in the ring and slapping Liston across the back. Funyon: dear god…I mean…I mean…next…from Kentucky Fried Chicken….he is CRAIG MCLENNAN~! Gary Coleman appears from the other side of the set and walks out…but Michael Bay jumps up. Michael: CUT! GARY! You have to come out from the OTHER SIDE~! YOU MORON! Gary: Hey! Shut up, foo! I’ll eat you alive…BIATCH~! Michael: I’ll replace you with Webster~! Gary: …AH! Gary runs around the other side of the ring and gets ready. Michael: Jesus…Alright…Calvinball…Scene One…Take Three…GO! Funyon: …next…from Kentucky Fried Chicken…he is CRAIG MCLENNAN! Gary Coleman comes out from the right side of the set this time, rushing the ring and diving in all cool like…but his shortness doesn’t help as he almost kills himself on the apron. Michael almost calls cut but repents…asking Funyon to continue. Funyon: And now…from somewhere between Heaven and Hell…he is the Apostle! “Weird Al” appears and waltzes out, laughing maniacally. He jumps in the ring and smacks Gary Coleman down with his accordian, to which Michael and a few others simply laugh. Gary looks pissed. Funyon: And finally…the fattest man to be in the this movie…. Dominic KORGATH~! From the entranceway comes Cutthroat…padded in a sumo suit and waddling gingerly out to the ring. Judge: Look at Dominic…so much power! Ejiro: WOOF~! Annie: Exactly, Ejiro…he’s gonna be tough to beat here… After Korgath flops into the ring, the match is officially underway. The men stare at each other for a moment before Korgath does a super waddle attack to Craig, knocking him down on his back. Korgath: SUMO~! Funyon: This match is a Sumo Match! The other wrestlers tear off their gear to reveal lovely sumo-esque gear, barely covering their soldiers. Conklin is hesistant about letting out his irish boy, but follows suit only to get tossed out of the ring by a very pale Jimmy Liston, who smacks him in the head violently with the box of chocolates. Liston: You will respect me! You will listen to me! Conklin lands in a heap on the outside, where apparently the script tells him to drink a beer and check out some fine looking extras in the second row, who oblige him with a kiss on the cheek and a quick look at his manhood. Back in the ring, Manson has just dodged a huge sumo attack from Korgath and Craig, only to reach the ref and scream… Manson: Bad Joke Telling! The ref signals to Funyon. Funyon: This match is a Bad Joke Telling Match. Worst Joke by audience response may be deemed the win- Funyon is cut off as Manson is knocked out of the ring by Liston, again with the elegantly tasting yet deadly chocolates. Liston tries hard to remember his lines, but gets it out good enough. Liston: This match is now a street fight… Michael Bay calls for a cut to end the first scene, and the wrestlers all run back to costuming to get in their costumes for the street fight part of the contest. Michael: Get that crane up there for this shot…we need to make it good. I want this morph from sumo to street to be FLAWLESS…. …DO YOU HEAR ME? A few yes men run off in various directions, almost colliding with one another like a bad movie scene, and all run off to make sure their bosses’ wishes are met. After a few moments the crane can be seen in position as the wrestlers return to the ring and get in their places, now clad in street fighting gear, with Liston tossing out his box of chocolates for a brick and now wielding a baseball bat. Michael: Alright… ACTION~! Manson looks a bit worried and signals for a cut, which Michael obliges. Michael: What Danny? DeVito: Umm…I don’t do my own stunts…I read the script and I know this part gets bloody. Michael: Fine…STUNT DOUBLE~! From out back comes Henry Rollins, decked out in Manson-like street gear. He pushes DeVito aside. Rollins: Just give me the part, Michael… Michael: Hmm…we’ll see… Bay screams across the roof at a little tent, from which Jerry Bruckheimer emerges…counting cash. Jerry: WHAT?! I’m busy counting! Michael: Well…sir…Rollins wants DeVito’s part… Jerry: Fine……as long as it makes me money… Michael: Alright…Rollins you’re in …DeVito you’re out…we’ll clean it up in post…seeya later… DeVito: Oh I don’t think so… DeVito turns and kicks Rollins in the crotch, dropping him down to the canvas. DeVito goes for a followup death kick, but Henry rolls down onto his stomach and out of the ring. DeVito looks around for a moment and runs toward the opposite ropes…bouncing off and rushing across the ring and hitting a fatass baseball slide, which only grazes Rollins as he tries to move out of the way. Rollins: It’s time to kill Smoochy… Rollins leans back and connects with a hard kick right to DeVito’s chin that sends him reeling backwards. Rollins follows up with a hard rush and irish whips DeVito toward the edge. Danny struggles to keep his balance on the edge as Rollins inches closer… Rollins: I’m sorry…but we feel we want to go another direction with this part… DeVito: Another direction? Rollins: Yeah…straight down… With that quip out of the way…Rollins simply pushes DeVito over the edge and down to the pavement below…where everyone is sure he perished. Michael: Well…uhmmm….fine…Rollins…you win the part. Good job. Really… Rollins: Thanks, Mr. Bay… Rollins takes his place in the ring and stares at the other men as Jerry returns to his tent to count his cash. Michael signals for the camera to get ready once more. Michael: Alright…ACTION! Manson immediately attacks Conklin…as per the script…and drops him with a hard clothesline, almost causing Conklin to drop his beer. Conklin jumps up and takes a big swig. Conklin: Hey…I drink and drink and drink and drink…and THEN I fight… Danny tosses his beer at Liston, who is busy trying to catch a frightened Craig McLennan, who also can’t seem to find his lighter. Craig rushes out of the ring and runs underneath the apron. Judge: He didn’t even need to duck! Ejiro: WOOF!! Annie: Good point, Ejiro. Liston tries to follow, but as he lifts the apron up a blast from a fire extinguisher flings him backwards and over the barricade into the crowd of extras. Michael Bay makes his cameo in his own film, holding up a “Praise Me” sign to try and be witty and cool about his massive ego. Craig tries to follow into the crowd, but can’t exactly reach the top of the barricade. Michael can be seen on camera briefly signaling to cut to another part of the ring as two extras try to help Craig over the barricade. The scene switches to Korgath, who is still waddling around the ring and letting the others bounce off him like they are pinballs. Judge: Will anyone be able to knock him down? Annie: I don’t think so, Judge! Ejiro: WOOF! Judge: Oh come on…he’s not even in the match! Ejiro: WOOF! Judge: …hadn’t thought about that…but I think David Arquette is busy filming some new movie about giant lobsters…so there is no way he could interfere! Ejiro: WOOF! Judge: Vacation? Another good point…you are on fire tonight… Ejiro: Woof……… Judge: You are welcome. Annie: Look at that! The Apostle has been lifted into the air by Manson and is being spun like a top, but before Manson can drop him he is kicked in the gut hard by Danny and dropping with a DDT…but the Apostle also falls down to the mat with an audible thud that will most likely be made a lot louder in post production. The crowd is paid to be JACKED at this point, as they start to scream loudly for Danny, who does his best ‘i’m not drunk’ impression and tries to pin Liston… 1….. 2….. Broken up by Korgath who simply squashes both men under his padding! Another pin! 1…. 2…. Broken up by Apostle! Judge: Dominic almost won, there! Ejiro: Woof! Annie: I know…I hate this time of the month too… Michael Bay can be seen watching intently, happy with the first series of nearfalls. Suddenly the scene switches back to Liston and Craig, who are fighting through the crowd and absolutely being brutal on each other…with Liston apparently busted open. Judge: Craig must have busted Liston open! Ejiro: WOOF! Judge: You are right, Ejiro…that must be painful! Annie: Be quiet…or watch my wrath… Michael shrugs off Annie’s last comment and watches the fight, while in the background the other men have all ganged up on Korgath, though them bouncing off his padding probably won’t look good until after the editing. Liston is down on his knees now, begging off Craig McLennan is one of the many comedy segments of tonight’s movie, due to the fact that even on his knees, Jimmy Liston is still taller than Craig. Judge: Look at that monster McLennan…he could kill Jimmy Liston! Ejiro: WOOF~! Craig moves in for the kill, but Liston was only playing possum as he swings up and connects with a lowblow that drops Craig down an extra six inches or so and puts him in a whole wide world of hurt. Craig: I just pissed myself! CUT! Michael cuts and pushes Coleman into his trailer, where he emerges a few moments later in a fresh diaper. The Apostle resists the urge to sing a little song, but instead opts to simply smile and wave as Coleman gets back in position. Michael: ACTION~! The scene goes back to Craig and Liston, and Liston once again goes for the lowblow, which connects without problem, and Craig stumbles to the floor a good foot and a half. Liston jumps up and wipes the blood from his face before heading back toward the ring, where Korgath has now regained control and is coming off the ropes with a huge splash on the Apostle. Pin! 1…. 2…. Broken up by Liston who is just able to get in the ring and hank Korgath’s rough and tough body from off the Apostle. Liston: Wait…isn’t this elimination? Funyon: This match is now an Elimination Street Fight… Liston smiles and grabs the Apostle’s accordian and hits Korgath hard, who falls back down and bounces up a bit before coming to rest in a heap, a bit of blood seeping from his forehead. Liston dives down and makes the cover, smothering Korgath with his forearm. 1…. 2…. 3!!!! Funyon: Korgath…by current rules…is now ELIMINATED FROM THIS CONTEST~! Cutthroat looks pissed as he exits the ring, checking the script in his bodysuit only to realize that Liston was actually just doing his job. Cutthroat returns to his trailer…still pissed off anyway. CT: cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutthroatcutcutcutCUTTHROAT~! Michael: Ummm..yeah…ACTION~! The action resumes with Manson lifting up the Apostle and carrying him to the corner, setting him up for a huge superplex. From behind he is stopped by a recovered Danny Conklin. Danny: Let’s get a table for this a**hole… Manson smiles as Danny leaves the ring and grabs a table from underneath. Michael Bay can be seen looking confused…but luckily the Apostle doesn’t care about doing his own stunts. After a moment of setting the table up, Manson finishes the job by falling back and going for the superplex…but the table doesn’t break! Michael: CUTTTTTTTT! CT: You rang!? Michael: Get out of here! Michael assesses the damage and calls for another table, which is set up in almost record time. Michael: And…AC- Suddenly Ben Hardy appears on the set, wielding a microphone and looking for an interview with the director. Michael doesn’t look happy, but caves in when he remembers how much he is being paid. Michael: LUNCH BREAK~! That call sends all on the set rushing for the food cart, while Michael turns to address Ben. Michael: You want an interview? Ben: Yes sir…very much so… Michael: Well you’ve got a few minutes…ask away… Ben: Okay…so what does it feel like to be working for us? Michael: It’s been okay so far…not too much trouble in the setup…though the execution has had it’s moments…you haven’t seen Danny DeVito have you? Ben: No…why? Michael: Nevermind… Ben: Okay…is there anyone you wish you would have gotten to play a certain part… Michael: Well we tried to get Sylvester Stallone to play Manson, but he turned us down to be in Rocky VI vs. Rambo 4: The Pronunciation Battle To End All Battles…so we had to get DeVito instead. …and we were looking forward to working with Colin Quinn as Danny, but we had to settle on Denis Leary. Suddenly a bottle comes flying from out of nowhere and narrowly misses Michael’s head. Denis: You son of a bitch! Michael: Sorry Denis…but you rock anyway… Denis: You better fucking believe I do! Denis tosses another bottle that hits Ben in the face. Michael: And now you’re getting a raise! Denis: Ohh….let me get this keg… Ben: NO~! Before either man knows what is going on, Ben Hardy…with blood streaming down his face…is rushing in the opposite direction, praying that he has fulfilled his contractual obligation for an interview with Michael Bay. Michael: Alright…Lunch is OVER! The men come back and take their places. Michael: ACTION! The fight is back on, with cameras catching Conklin as he attacks the recovering McLennan, but Conklin is actually pulled off of Craig by the Apostle, who pushes him away. Apostle: Let me… The Apostle turns and kicks Craig down, pouncing on him and attacking, seemingly trying to injure him in the center of the ring. Apostle: FIRST BLOOD ELIMINATION~! Funyon: This match is now First Blood Elimination! Apostle winds up and punches Craig as hard as he can and busts him open…sending blood dripping down his face… Funyon: Craig McLennan has been eliminated! Gary Coleman rolls out of ring and heads for his trailer, clutching his forehead. Conklin: Bar Fight! Funyon: This match is now a Bar Room Brawl! Michael: CUT! Good work… The remaining wrestlers exit the ring as a Bar set is brought in, and then they retake their positions. Michael: Calvinball…Scene Three…Bar Fight…Action! The men all begin to attack one another with various bar room essentials, except Conklin who is drinking at the bar…and Manson and Liston who seem to be playing pool. Off in the corner is the Apostle, beating his head against the wall repeatedly. Judge: The Apostle is really punishing himself…and look at Manson go! 4 Ball in the corner! Ejiro: WOOF~! Judge: I don’t care if you think he should have used English on that or not… Annie: Would you two be quiet…I can’t hear Danny drinking… Danny is chugging away when all the sudden Liston realizes that they should be fighting and swings his pool cue around, smacking Danny across the back and knocking him loopy for a moment, but as he regains his composure his fighting spirit comes out. Danny: You spilled my beer…you are in deep trouble now… Danny stands up…looking to cause some serious damage to Jimmy Liston, who backs up and runs into the pool table, messing up a shot from Manson. Manson: Hey! Both men now turn their attention to Liston, who can barely think straight… Suddenly he blurts out… Liston: Freeze Tag! Funyon: Freeze Tag is ON! Liston quickly smacks Manson and Danny, leaving them frozen in their places. Liston: Don’t break the rules or you could be DQed… Danny: That’s not a rule… Liston: Shit… Danny and Manson simply give chase to Liston, caring not about the freeze tag rules and more about possibly dropping Liston’s body through the pool table. Liston is stopped dead in his tracks as he rounds the bar by the Apostle, who’s bloody face and seemingly wild hair has caught him off guard. Liston: GWAH… Ejiro: Woof! Judge: Yeah it scares me too, Ejiro… Liston backs up right into Danny and Manson, who lift him up and carry him toward the table. Michael: STUNT TABLE! Everyone freezes as workers bring in a table that is a bit more easily breakable and run out of frame. Michael: ACTION! The two men continue to carry him as the Apostle watches on…laughing… Liston: NO!! Both men lift him high and drop him down through the table hard…breaking the cheap wood and sending it around the bar. Danny: Make this pinfall elimination so I can get rid of this a**hole… Funyon: Pinfall Elimination ON! Danny falls on top of Liston, laughing… 1…. 2…. BROKEN UP BY MANSON! Ejiro: WOOF! Judge: Oh my god is right, Ejiro! Annie: What is going on? Manson lifts up Danny and drops him face first across the bar and follows up with a pinfall attempt… 1….. 2….. The Apostle watches and smiles…. 3!! Funyon: Danny Conklin is ELIMINATED! Denis looks pissed off, but a smile comes across his face as he gets out of frame, knowing that he worked his character beautifully and did Danny proud. Judge: All that is left is Manson, Jimmy Liston, and the Apostle! Ejiro: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF! Ejiro goes running around the announce booth. Judge: What’s that…Timmy’s stuck in a well….wait wait…no…I don’t think Manson is going to win this match…he doesn’t have the spice….and I don’t care if Mr. Hooper’s house is burning down, Ejiro! Ejiro: WOOF! Annie: Listen to the man, Judge! Judge: Shut up, Annie…I swear to Todd…shut up! Annie: I’ll beat you into mush… Judge jumps up and gets in Annie’s face, but Annie simply winds back and punches Judge in the jaw, knocking him down and momentarily out. Ejiro jumps up on Annie’s lap and curls into a ball. Annie: Good boy, Ejiro…good boy… Michael Bay slaps his forehead and goes back to the match…where Manson, The Apostle, and Liston are staring each other down, no-one making a move toward each other… …when Danny DeVito RETURNS~! From out of the roof exit comes DeVito, looking pissed that Henry Rollins threw him off the roof. He rushes the set causing the scene to stop and gets right in Rollins’ face. DeVito: I can’t believe you…I can’t believe you! Rollins: What? I wanted the part and you took it just to spite me… DeVito: You threw me off the roof, moron! I almost died! Look at all this blood! Danny opens up his jacket to show off his many injuries which were sustained during the fall, but somehow he is still able to walk. The camera switches to Bruckheimer… Jerry: That’s movie magic, folks… Back to Rollins and DeVito, as arena and movie security is trying to break the two men up, but unsuccessfully. Finally Michael steps in… Michael: Listen boys…Rollins has to finish this match now…because he has been in most of it and has done a pretty good job. But DeVito…if you want to punch him in the face right now on camera we’ll put it at the end of the credits…okay? DeVito: Fine…you sorry sack of – Michael: Danny… DeVito: Fine…fine… Michael sets up the camera and turns it on…just as DeVito catches Rollins completely off guard and knocks him to the ground. After a moment he gets up and walks back to his position, and DeVito heads back to his trailer. Michael: Alright people…it’s time to set up the finale…here we go…ACTION… The men return to their staredown…when suddenly the Apostle pipes up… Apostle: Don’t break the sugarbowl…. Funyon: Don’t Break The Sugarbowl…starting NOW…. The three men in the ring, the announcers, everyone…all go silent to see exactly who will break the sugarbowl and be eliminated next… All is quiet…eerily quiet… BOOM! EXPLOSION! EVERYONE DIES! Huge explosions rock the arena roof as every trailer begins to be engulfed in fire, all the equipment sorts out and explodes…tents, food carts, everything going up in flames. The ring and the bar set suddenly EXPLODE and blow bodies all over the place, leaving nothing to stay alive. When the smoke clears…only Danny DeVito can be seen, standing in the middle of the arena roof… Danny: I did it! I won! WOOOOOOOOO- Suddenly a falling piece of the ring drops on Danny, crushing him to death. THE END?? Somewhere… In Another Part Of The Arena… The Apostle stands with a camera in his face…behind him can be seen Manson, Jimmy Liston, Dominic Korgath, Danny Conklin, and a very bloody Craig McLennan…along with Judge, Ejiro, and Annie…all tied up together in a corner. The Apostle looks into the camera and smiles…holding up a small book that reads: ”Calvinball The Movie Script” He opens it to the last page and shows it to the camera. All that can be read is… “THE APOSTLE WINS.” THE END! As the credits roll... "Calvinball" by "Weird Apostle" Yankovic plays in the background... Calvinball.... The greatest sport of all time The winner gets the glory The loser doesn't get a dime Calvinball... Changing the way your life is led At the top of the moutain You're alive But when those rules change again You're better...off...DEAD! Calvinball... The greatest match ever made... Calvinball... This is the part where Grappler's sis gets laid... (OH YEAH) ...CALVINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBALLLLLLLLLLLLL~! (YES!) Calvinball: The Movie CREDITS Starring: Manson 1 …… Danny DeVito Manson 2 …… Henry Rollins Craig McLennan …… Gary Coleman Apostle …… “Weird Al” Yankovic Jimmy Liston …… Tom Hanks Danny Conklin …… Denis Leary Korgath …… Cutthroat Also Starring: Judge …… June Lockhart Ejiro …… Lassie Annie Eclectic …… Arnold Swarzenegger Sexton Hardcastle …… Edge Funyon …… Himself Featuring: Michael Bay …… Himself Jerry Bruckheimer …… Himself Ben Hardy …… Himself The Real Wrestlers …… Themselves The Real Winner …… The Apostle Special Thanks: Thoth & Tom – For creating this match Jerry & Michael – For producing and directing Apostle – For winning Everyone Else – For losing No actors, actresses, or dogs were harmed in the writing of this match. No wrestlers were harmed in the writing of this match – except Craig. Copyright 2003 SJL Enterprises. Thoth is a pretty hate machine. Praise me.
  2. The Amazing Rando

    PROMO - Apostle vs. Ebon revisited

    I worked for Walt Disney World for 6 months... ...and am probably a bigger disney freak than Anglesault. in other words... I <3 Disney.
  3. The Amazing Rando

    PROMO - Apostle vs. Ebon revisited

    The night was just another normal night for those cramped in the gymnasium crowd, those behind the scenes watching through curtains, and everyone else that was and never will be affected by the worst half hour of one man’s life. Thirty minutes that forever changed the way he looked at life, death, sanity, pain, and pleasure… Florescent lights hummed over the shoddy ring as the crowd waited in harsh anticipation. Two men were about to face off in a grudge match six months in the making. One…Ebon…a man that thought he was Hollywood personified. A man that considered himself the best in the business…always ranting about how one day he would take our world and burn it to the ground…leaving it in a heap of ashes and dust for him to smoke and get high on life. He thought he was special. The other man…the Apostle…a man that had shunned his parents wishes and defied their rules about professional wrestling to jump into the game at an early age, almost running away from home to follow his dream. His past staying with him as he preaches to those around him about the ideals that he had set for himself. He had suffered all his life…and had grown a bit of an immunity to the torture of everyday life… …but everything changed in just thirty minutes. It started out normally, both men doing as they had always done when they fought one another…neither man getting the upperhand…building to a climactic ending…making the crowd love every nearfall and consequence of the others actions. But one vial chair shot… *CRACK* And the blood began to pour. The Apostle had given Ebon permission for the chairshot…tossing the chair at him and mocking his Hollywood style in the hopes that Ebon would even dare try to take a swing. He didn’t know Ebon really would connect with such brute force. The crowd watched in horror as the Apostle dropped to the canvas, almost lifeless. The referee tried to intervene and call for medical attention, but Ebon simply shoved him away and continued with the chair shots. *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* Each metal on skull contact sent a shiver of pain through the gym and coursing through the Apostle’s body. Blood was gushing now…and a puddle lay underneath him. Ebon would not relent, even hearing the Apostle’s moans could not stop him from whatever his mission began at that moment in time. Ebon was a man possessed. More shots echoed throughout the gym…the Apostle’s face completely soaked in his own blood, his prestine white shirt turning a darker shade of red with each passing moment as he tries to cover his face and wipe away the crimson from his eyes. With each passing moment the puddle grows…and even Ebon is getting a bit bloody, his chair now with a dark red spot in the center, dented…showing exactly how much damage he could cause. Finally… …he stops…. Dropping the chair down and standing in the ring, looking out at the crowd…mocking them…mocking the Apostle…mocking the world. But behind him the Apostle is still alive…still breathing…still moving. …Crawling toward the ropes, a trail of blood following his every move, covering his tights, his arms, his boots… …his soul… Ebon is on the turnbuckle now…shouting out at the crowd…laughing at the destruction he caused in front of a mere 538 paying customers. But the Apostle is now on his feet, having climbed up the ropes and holding himself up, giving a dead bloody stare right through the back of Ebon… …and Ebon can feel it. Ebon turns to see his opponent on his feet, looking incredibly pale underneath the crimson mask. He needs medical attention…mental attention…but Ebon has other ideas. Calmly stepping down he grabs the chair and holds it high…right over the Apostle’s head. But the Apostle does not beg off or back down…his eyes still burning right into Ebon’s soul…a smirk on his face… …he begins to laugh out loud… *CRACK* …and he drops. Finally refs are out to stop the madness, with EMTs close behind…pushing Ebon away and working to pull the Apostle onto a stretcher. Ebon simply laughs to himself and drops the chair, exiting the ring without a care in the world. …he knows what he did… …he knew one day he would have to face the consequences… …he never knew it would be so soon… Standing in the same gym two years later…the Apostle has found an emotional center. An SJL camera whirls around him, watching silently as he looks around the same place where is life was changed forever. The same place ‘Bloodshed’ was born……the aftermath of the match still burnt into his soul… …the pain… …the torment… …the longing for revenge… Finally the camera stops…moving in close to the Apostle’s face as he begins to speak out to those watching. Apostle: Ebon…Craig…look at this place. The foul stench of urine still lingers as it did that night in front of those fans. I can still feel the blood on my forehead and laying at my feet…I can still hear the gasps and the crack of the chair hitting my skull repeatedly while you laughed above me… Those sounds…those feelings…they have stuck with me for the past two years… But the sad thing is… You couldn’t keep me down. You tried…you attacked me for six months…and I attacked you back. We fought and bled for each other…but nothing like that one night. I never saw a drop of your blood after that Craig. I only saw my own pain…every time I closed my eyes I could see you and could see your chair coming at me… …and I despised you for it… Then one day…everything became clear to me. I shut my eyes…I saw that chair…I felt that pain… …and I enjoyed it, Craig. I had nothing to fear anymore…so I decided to leave the gyms and the warehouses…and come to the SJL. Little did I know that my first night I would see my past staring back at me…the one person I had never forgotten. …you… I couldn’t stand it. Had you been within a few feet of me you would have died at the point I realized who you were. I would have ripped off your head and sacrificed it to MY GOD…but no…common sense prevailed, Craig…and I decided that torture would be more fun… …mental torture… …physical torture… …but you decided against that, didn’t you…Craig. You attacked me and left me for dead once more…but this time… you had no idea what kind of person you would let loose on the world. Your past has come back to haunt you as well, Craig…and it’s time you learned the true meaning of Praise. Soon all will be answered… Your past has returned… Your present is bleak… Your future is entropy… Your future is your own destruction… Your future is me… PRAISE ME. As the Apostle says those final words…the gym goes to all black…but the image of Ebon’s final chairshot straight to the Apostle’s head lingers in the darkness… …a ghostly visage of the past…the present…and the future…
  4. The Amazing Rando

    Booking Ideas That Never Will Be

    Tokyo X - Greatest SWF Champion EVER...defeating Spike Jenkins in a 25000 word iron man match.
  5. The Amazing Rando

    Double Trouble Royal Rumble?

    ...and maybe they can come in on zipcords... ...and maybe they can come up through the ground like Gangrel or Rey Rey... ...and maybe they can have it be a stacked HIAC... god... sorry...I love the Rumble the way it is...
  6. The Amazing Rando

    SJL Crimson August 14, 2003

    so then Liston... you ARE writing Calvinball?
  7. The Amazing Rando

    PROMO - Apostle vs. Ebon revisited

    Disneyland... *twitch* ...that reminds me that i need to write DAY FOUR and TEH FINALS at some point...
  8. The Amazing Rando

    PROMO - Apostle vs. Ebon revisited

    ^ it seems either: a) someone likes my style or b) someone likes the idea of XF9 2
  9. The Amazing Rando

    PROMO - Apostle vs. Ebon revisited

    no it's not... as much as you all would love that... I'm a different Apostle... but down the line... I would jump in and be Apostle v2.0 with a XF9 v2.0 and bring it to greater greatness... ...or something
  10. The Amazing Rando

    Most stupid thing a mark has said to you

    the "Friends" retaliation is my favorite thing to do to a mark
  11. The Amazing Rando

    Malibu Enterprises

    yes I can... it's called "everytime i visit your house"
  12. The Amazing Rando

    Favourite Family Guy Character

    Tonight's CN episode was great...i laughed through the whole thing... Stewie and Brian owned the whole show. Stewie: For god sakes he's wearing a wire! Man: What...why you son of a ... *gunshots* and Brian failing at hiding his drunkeness with different illnesses... *THUD* Brian: ...and I have an inner ear infection... though last nights had Alyssa Milano threatening to sue...that was cool.
  13. The Amazing Rando

    I Quit Blockbuster A Month Ago

    Flik... I know exactly where you are coming from... the complete list of oddball stories that has come out of my 4+ year stint at my local Long John Silvers are enough to make some people cry...
  14. The Amazing Rando

    Crimson Predictions

    Todd...don't give away MY FUCKING ENDING~! *changes it* Todd Damn You~!
  15. The Amazing Rando

    Crimson Predictions

    you'll see... you'll ALL see... *maniacal laughter*
  16. The Amazing Rando

    I had a dream with you guys

    IDRM = Dog with a chainsaw.. ...fitting...
  17. The Amazing Rando

    SJL Crimson August 14, 2003

    Craig is there so I can kill him... the others can help
  18. The Amazing Rando

    SJL Crimson August 14, 2003

    i should be in Calvinball...even though I don't understand it at all... at least i'd get to kill Craig
  19. The Amazing Rando

    Custom Titles

    wait till you hit 20,000 posts, Choken...just to rub it in
  20. The Amazing Rando

    Empire Fed?

    if i had the time... they would all die
  21. The Amazing Rando

    An Open Letter

    Dear TSM Members, Admins, Mods, and others… I am The Amazing Rando, M Nyland, whatever…poster since early last year and lurker for even longer. I was a member of the “Mission to 1000” thread and part of it’s great…oh…week or two of true fun, before it degenerated into hellspawn. But that’s not what I am hear to talk about. I am here to talk about… Us. TheSmartMarks. I live in an area where I have very few wrestling fan friends…and those that I do have are quite markish and I find it hard to have a conversation with them without wanting to cause physical harm. So I turned to this forum, where I found people that I can have lengthy conversations about not only wrestling…but also music, movies, television, or whatever else is on anyone’s mind. This place is a virtual utopia of wit, humor, knowledge, and friendship. Though everyone has their own little feuds and pet peeves, this place mostly operates like a well-oiled machine. If you visit any smaller wrestling forums out there on the net you will see a jumbled mess of bad topics and poor thought processes. Barring certain recently banned posters, this place is LIGHTYEARS ahead of anything else I’ve ever seen. When I run around this board, chats, AIM conversations…I feel a bit of acceptance…even in the hate. Because even if I get some hate directed at me…I know I must have made some kind of impression if someone else wants to take the time out of their day to try and put me down. I use quotes and conversations from these forums in my every day life…if I ever need to relay information about new movies, video games, whatever…I know there is probably someone here that has seen it, played it, done it…whatever…and I know that those people would be happy to share their experiences. “This is only a messageboard” That quote seemingly defined an arc of time in the history of these forums. I’m sorry…but this isn’t only a messageboard. This is a home for the ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, complaints, problems, and lives of so many different people. This is a COMMUNITY. Some days when I run around and I see a Saved By The Bell reference I wonder if Zack Malibu caught it…or if I see a SNL related post…I wonder if Barron has been yapping…or if anything exceedingly witty got tossed around and was instantly forgotten in the sands of time. “Don’t Fuck With The Dames” Yeah. Exactly. Don’t mess with him. If it wasn’t him and a few others…this community would have been destroyed. I honestly can not see what I would be doing if this did not exist. Stuck on Rajah and SKeith rants…not having any way to really put my opinion out there…as bad as it is…I know that here…someone will listen. And this brings me around to the point of all this…I think… Be proud. Be proud to be a SmartMark here. You are a part of a wonderful community and it doesn’t matter if you take it seriously or not…it means the world to some people (Dames, BPP, others I’m sure) or else they would not have devoted so much time in saving it so that we would have a place to share our warped views. I am proud to be a poster here. I am proud to be a SmartMark. I am proud to say I know a lot of my friends that I never ever would have met without this messageboard. All of those that run around my AIM, MSN, or Yahoo and have to put up with my random comments, idiotic ramblings and ideas, and just have to put up with me……… ………thanks. Remember all of the good times… …one day they may be gone. ~~The Amazing Rando~~ P.S. There is so much more I could say here......honestly. But I think that everyone has their own intrepration of the forums and of this realm that we all help keep alive. Whether you believe you contribute or not...at least you know that when you do have something intelligent to say......that there is bound to be somewhere here that will listen to it. Once more...Be Proud. Be Yourself. This is not only a messageboard...this is TheSmartMarks.
  22. The Amazing Rando

    David Gray

    i honestly hated "Babylon" or whatever that song was... god... I couldn't stand it and i don't know why... haven't heard anything else...
  23. The Amazing Rando

    An Open Letter

    You are in the Church Of No Ma'am...watch the hippy comments around MrRant.
  24. The Amazing Rando

    An Open Letter

    I am awaiting Dames to ask Popick for the money to buy an apartment complex... BPP: He saved the Community.
  25. The Amazing Rando

    An Open Letter

    The rules I imagined were: Everyone would be assigned an apartment...i would cut the limit off at 300 apartments...maybe make some of them 2 and 3 bedroom for the "frat" types... ...and if you fall for a guy or a guy falls for a girl and you want to shack up you can... ...and also that if any TSMer has a significant other they may move in as well (or at least come visit)
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