Patty O'Green

Give the opener to foshi/rikjin. My match didn't turn out to be the fast paced spot fest full of sick but no-sold head drops and goofy taunting that I had planned. By the way Chrissy, I have a birthday candle you still need to blow out...

I may or may not have a COD promo. I have to take a final and celebrate some dickhead's birthday so like old people pissing it all depends, as Kanye would rap. (We're backstage with the Global Party Xchange. The Boys are representing where they come from, Scotty in an oversized Steve Yzerman Red Wings hockey jersey, and Jax in a Michael Vick Atlanta Falcons jersey. Each man wears gaudy golden dollar symbol pendants around their necks.) TONY SCHIAVONE Folks, Tony Schiavone here with the one and only Global Party Xchange. Gentlemen, as we head into Climax, another OAOAST pay-per-view extravaganza, I want to get your thoughts on your opponents, Chicks Over Dicks. Let's start with Krista Isadora Duncan. She's a lot like a bull in a china shop. Very confrontational woman. Krista constantly makes it a point to tell people that she's better then your fellow wrestlers. What do you say about that? JOHNNY Prove it, twisted sister. Drop the Suzanne Summers from hell gimmick, put down your Danielle Steel novel, and prove it. 'Cause spitting it, and showing it are two different thangs, man. Who's she ever beat that's worth a damn, man? Who, man? Ain't no rhetorical question, man. You can answer, man. TONY She beat you at Anglemania. JOHNNY That never happened. Your memory be faulty. Happens when you gets old. Scotty, no offense, dawg, lost that match. And he got pinned by Alix. There goes that, chump. TONY She's pinned Zack Malibu. Twice. JOHNNY What woman hasn't? He let them. Candie wasn't giving him what he wanted in bed, so he had to let a few bitches lie on top of him for three seconds of dry humping to get off. Besides he's lost a step in the past year. Two steps. Twenty steps! He needs to get the steppin, because his ass ain't wanted around here. There goes that, chump. TONY She just pinned your fellow Upstart Christian Wright. Clean and in the center of the ring at that. SCOTTY Old man river, your job ain't hard. All you gotta do is ask us a softball question and let us knock 'em out of the park. Why you antagonizing? That ain't your job. Ask a question, let me answer. Don't push no buttons, I'm not a remote. Don't push no buttons. JOHNNY Tony, Krista makes more money then any one here. And she don't even do half the work. Where's her pay per view mainevents? Where's her world titles? Where's her sold out arenas? Must be hidden behind the seven figures on her pay check 'cause I don't see them anywhere. TONY To be fair, you've never won a world title and I don't remember you maineventing any pay per view of note. SCOTTY To be fair, he's not getting paid more then what some countries are worth like she is. Most kids get a Barbie Doll, or a My Little Pony for they birthday. Krista can buy her kid Swaziland, or Jordan, or Syria. I can't even afford an Atlas with Syria in it. Mine goes up to Canada and it ain't even got anything west of Manitoba in it. My world ends at Winnipeg. When we went to Vancouver for a show, I was like what the hell, nigga, aliens! You tell me if that's fair? She works four months. That's like...I ain't good at math, but that's a lot of money per month. She hardly wrestles either. She just talks, talks, talks. Then she gets in the ring and Alix does the work. She comes in for five minutes, throws a clothesline, throws another clothesline, does a sloppy hurricarana, does her dumb finisher, then it's over. If I told you how much she made for that, you'd have a heart attack. You'd die, and I don't need that on my karma. I try and tell these dudes I wanna fly first class. I'm not even flying coach. I'm not flying period. They got chickens, cows, and roosters on planes. They don't have Scotty Static. We can fly Foghorn Leghorn but we can't fly Scotty Static. I have to hitch hike from show to show. You don't wanna know some of things I've had to do for lonely truckers to get down to the shows. I say, OAOAST brass I wanna fly first class, like a real star. They say they ain't got the money. Why's that? Because Krista's got they money. I saw that bitch's home on [i]Cribs[/i]. She got two pools. Two. And she lives on the beach. That's an ocean. I ain't even get running water. I gotta wait until they turn the sprinklers on at a golf course, then I run through it to take a shower, and got the old man in the cart selling drinks coming after me. It ain't like she needs the money. She was already rich before she got here! I'm broke. I gotta put weed on layaway. It's shameful. It doesn't make sense. Here I am making changes to the OAOAST, taking it to the next level, and I'm getting paid in peanuts. Literally. They tossed me a bag of nuts from Southwest Airlines. I'm like, what the hell is this? They said it's a Christmas bonus. What the fuck? Get your ass on outta here. TONY Some jealously? SCOTTY Hell yeah, I'm jealous! She doesn't do anything. [i]Anything[/i]. Then she and Alix come back and everyone's like welcome back, welcome back! They weren't welcome in the first place, I ain't welcoming them back. I have to work my ass off day and day out just to try and get noticed around here. Two months in and you're all head over heels in love with them again. And she complains that no one likes her. My own mama like her better then me. TONY What about Alix? SCOTTY Alix? I saw her last week getting all hot and bothered over me, trying to go down to Big City Scotty Static. She's mad now, but she'll go to the mall and she'll see some pretty shirt at Express, and she'll get distracted and she won't even remember why she upset in the first place. I don't worry about her or the South of the border tinkerbells she fag hags with because she can't handle an honest to god red-blooded American Male. Sing that song, Tony S. TONY (singing) American male.....American Male! JOHNNY That's the music, dawg! TONY I sing others. I do a mean Solsbury Hill. Climbing up on Solsburrrry hill, I could see the city liiiig... JOHNNY No thanks. TONY Well, Alix is dating Leon Rodez now. JOHNNY Like my boy said, she can't handle a real man. That girl flips and flops like a flounder out of water. She's ordering fish for dinner and picking up sausage for breakfast. Pick a team and stick to it, girl. What's up with she and Leon anyway? How many guys has she been with 'round here? Everyone can have it, even the fans in the stands! I know I'ma hit it when it's right. I'ma call that bitch Houdini, because all she does is turn tricks. SCOTTY Oh shit! You bad, nigga. You bad! First round KO! JOHNNY Thank you. Thank you. She went from being the ponygirl of a best selling author all the way down to the pillow biter of the new age John Holmes. Talk about a demotion. TONY When you earlier said “south of the border tinkerbells”, I assume you are rudely referring to the sensational new tag team Los Diablos De Fuego. JOHNNY Sensational my white ass. SCOTTY That's right. Alix and Los Diablos De Fuego can draw unicorns, or watch [i]Laguna Beach[/i] on MTV or write slash stories about the real wrestlers or whatever queer ass shit they like to do. Leave the real men to handle real men business. Why the Diablos even here in the first place? What were they dancers on an Elton John tour, took a wrong turn and wound up in the OAOAST? No one wants to see they freaky shit on their TV. No one wants to watch them pinch another guys ass, or grind up on dudes in the audience. They ain't wired right. If you're gonna do Will and not Grace, at least keep what's left of your self respect and act like a man. Don't be acting all fruity. There is a certain way a man is supposed to act, gay or straight. He don't dress all funny like he a giant pink Starburst, he don't change his voice. He don't act like Los Diablos De Fuego. He act like a man. You should not be able to look at a dude and know for a fact that he goes to his crib and has penis. TONY (Awkwardly adjusting his collar) Ummm...uh....people say you're ducking Los Diablos De Fuego. JOHNNY We ain't ducking them. This ain't no beef. This fake beef. This tofu. The OAOAST doesn't tell GPX how it do. GPX tell the OAOAST how it do. SCOTTY Diablos don't want no match with us. They wanna queer bait. They wanna turn us to the darkside, so they can get up in our backside. They ain't here to fight. They here for a booty call. If ya'll are so desperate for a date, get on MySpace, get on Facebook, plenty of fence riders there. Go to a bathouse, start walking the streets. Whatever. Don't be using my federation or my tag team like it was your hook up line. If we got in the ring with them two, we'd beat 'em so bad we'd be locked up for a hate crime. I'm not eight years old no more, I ain't playing no more games of smear the queer. But come Climax, me and my nigga will be playing a round of spike the dike! TONY Scotty “Fred Phelps” Static, and his partner Johnny Jax. The Global Party Xchange, everybody.

Heh-heh. Balls! Foshi being back is cool. Like, PRL, a younger and much more innocent but still very sexy Patty enjoyed the feud with Paul Stanley. I think I edited in an "Oh" before the snap, to make it clearer that Johnny was commenting on the quality Scotty's dis. Not a lot of time for feedback. I'll say I thought this week's Love Shack was the best one I've read. Poor Simon, he never gets to say anything. Maybe he should leave the NNMX and team up with Theodore Moneymaker. Then they can add a third guy to the stable named Alvin. I'm funny! Anyway very good show all in all.

Send everything to Peter Knight. It's in London, I guess.

Just testing something

Hello. This should go on after that whole rodez/alix/pk/candie/zack lockeroom skit, s'ill vous plait. Good-bye. Okay it should go after the GPX/COD skit also. Merci beaucoup! Bye 4 real. The opening piano chords of Eminem's thoughtful coming of age tune [i]Lose Yourself[/i] pour from the speakers. As Shady's heartfelt preamble comes to a close and the bombastic bass fills the arena, the entrance doors slide open, letting the youngest Upstart, Jamie O'Hara enter the arena floor. Clad in a white do-rag, matching vest top and Nike track pants, O'Hara stands on top of the stage engaging in a bit of thuggish posturing. The camera man gets in close to him, providing the fame hungry star a chance to talk a fair share of smack to the viewing audience. While all this is happening Coach does the Dave Chapelle 8-Mile “Spaghetti! Spaghetti! Spaghetti!” bit. Die, Coach. Thank you. COLE Folks, the OAOAST, in an effort to provide you with the highest quality wrestling in the world, has been trying to get a match booked between The Global Party Xchange and Los Diablos De Fuego. Unfortunately, GPX has been reluctant to sign the contract. Word has it that Christian Wright has advised them they have nothing to gain from the matchup and everything to lose. This is truly a disservice to you the fans at home as well as Los Diablos De Fuego. However GPX have accepted COD's challenge to a match at Climax. Which leads one to think that the only reason they're ducking Los Diablos is because of the sexual preference of the two men. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a television time limit of forty minutes. Now making his way from Birmingham, England, weighing one hundred seventy pounds, representing the Upstarts, he is JAMIE “THE BIRMINGHAM BAD BOY” O'HARAAAAAAAAA!” “BOOOOOOOOOOO!” goes the crowd, apparently not feeling a patriotic desire to cheer their countryman! The detested heel drops to his knees and throws his arms toward the heaven's above at the exact moment his name is announced. The crowd continues to jeer him as she cockily struts down to the ring. Jamie enters the squared circle, rapping along with his music, feigning indifference to the disrespect shown him by his home country. He scales to the top rope, and puff's out his chest, smashing his index and middle fingers against his pectorals. COLE Lask week, Jamie O'Hara and The Global Party Xchange got bounced in the first round of the six man title tourney. I don't know what The Upstarts vision really is, but no stable that wants to get taken seriously has their top members lose in the first round of any tournament. The moment [i]Lose Yourself[/i] fades from our earlobes, the arena becomes a darkened abyss. The opening guitar strands of pop sensation Lindsay Lohan's cover of [i]Edge of Seventeen[/i] play, as a gorgeous [color=red][b]red pyro[/color][/b] fountain springs forth from the stage. It meets with an equally lovely [color=#ff3366 ][b]pink[/color][/b] pyro waterfall, cascading from the ceiling. As the drum roll of the song kicks up, both the pyrotechnics dissipate, replaced by a booming [color=#ffff33][b]gold[/color][/b] explosion that engulfs the entire stage, and sets the camera man on fire. CABOOSE I never got an entrance like that. Through the mass of smoke and swirling pink and blue spotlights, steps Alix Spezia. The fans give her a grand ovation, as she rocks her body back and forth to her high energy theme music. BUFFER And her opponent...from the city of angels Los Angeles, California....she weighs in at an undisclosed weight, she is a former OAOAST tag team champion, the 2004 OAOAST babe of the year, has a career won loss record of 27 wins and six losses, she is ALIX MARIA SPEEZZZZZIAAAAA! [B]“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”[/B] As Alix walks down the ring, she blows a kiss at the camera, and adorable super imposed lips appear on your screen. Awwwww! COLE I don't have the word power or the time to properly describe Alix Spezia. But she's not only amazingly popular with the fans, she's become very popular with her fellow wrestlers. Los Diablos De Fuego look up to her like a big sister, and well, as we just saw she's now an item with Leon Rodez! I'm sure Krista is furious. COACH Alix doesn't need some broke ass Boogie Nights wannabe comedian like Leon Rodez hitting that sweet shit. She needs a straight up G, like Mister C. Me. Who, outside of a couple pud pulling perverts living in their mom's basements, know who Leon Rodez is? No one. Everybody knows Da Coach. I'm a legend. Baby girl, get with me. Get on the Coach's team. Another sister gone to waste. Not a literal sister, but you get the point. Damn shame. CABOOSE With Nick and Jessica gone the way of the dinosaur, Alix and Leon seek to fill that “Lucy/Desi” celebrity couple void. The only problem is Nick was smart. Leon's and idiot to. Just less of an idiot then Alix. Clad in tye died hot pants and matching tube top, the glowing superstar slides into the ring. Paying no attention to Jamie O'Hara, she makes a bee line for the top rope. She tosses a peace sign into the air, while her enormous fan base mimics the gesture. COLE The first ever meeting between Jamie O'Hara and Alix Spezia is about to get underway! DING DING The two lightweights circle each other, neither one willing to make the first move out of fear of making the first and possibly fatal mistake. After several seconds worth of stalling and circling, Alix, like the crowd, grows weary of the pointless inaction. Thus she shoots in for a lockup. Jamie was more then content to do nothing but to play a two person game of ring around the rosey. As such he is a little alarmed to have the brunette locking horns with him. As they tussle like young puppies in a pet shop, he tries to pull her off her game with a mix of pick up lines and flat out insults. These comments do nothing to deter Alix, as she goes behind him and hits the waistlock. The fans start cheering loudly, which leads a perturbed Alix to say, “Oh my god, it's just a waistlock, for Pete's sake! Quit cheering, you freaking dorks!” Dragon Suplex, German Suplex, Rolling German Suplex, Bridging Dragon Suplex, Bridging German Suplex, Rolling German Suplex into a bridging dragon suplex where a real life dragon eats your juicy brain meat afterwards. Images of these horribly painful holds speed through Jamie's teeny tiny mind. They cause him enough worry and stress to turn his sandy blonde hair gray. Wishing to preserve his good health now, so he can kill it with drugs, booze and transexual hookers later in life, Jamie juts his body forward, bending his knees. He grabs his confused rival's arm, pulls it forward and breaks her hold. He spins in front of her, then promptly takes her down with a blink and you miss it arm drag into an arm lock! Not wasting a single moment of his precious time, he floats on top of the perky Californian. Alix doesn't like it when the dude's on top, so she rolls onto her stomach, neutralizing Jamie's advantage. O'Hara is visibly upset and cusses up a storm! With his arm lock still applied he lies across her body, so that his scrawny chest rests on her upper back. I have no idea what he's going to do, the crowd has no idea what he's going to do, and he probably has no idea what he's going to do. We'll never even get an answer to this great mystery as Alix shoots out in front of him. To his rapidly rising frustration, she starts to rise. Luckily for him, his arm lock has yet to perish, thus he's able to maintain some control, and keeps her bent over. That isn't an enviable position for O'hara as Alix slides her head underneath his crotch, then uses her strength to stand up and fling him overhead! The airborne thug gets launched out of the ring, as flashes from camera phones ornament the arena! So agile and so quick, O'Hara manages to avoid certain doom and land on the ring apron. “How ya'll like that dope shit?” He asks a group of fans in the front row. The fans are Japanese and can not understand him. COLE Jamie is a great talent, no question. But his choice of company and attitude leave a lot to be desired. Alix doesn't like that fly shit very much at all. Miss Spezia charges him, but Jamie has this well scouted and ducks down for a shoulder block! However Alix's scouting report is even better then his, as she sticks out her bare knee and connects squarely with his acne riddled face! “OOOOOOH!” goes the audience after Al's concussion inducing move. “YEEEEOOOOOOUCH!” goes Jamie, now wishing he'd held out during contract negotiations for health insurance. A look of delight plays on Alix's cute face as her brain's seemed to come up with a particularly nasty move to unleash on Jamie. Ally Cat hits the ropes to get a running start. She comes back to her younger foe, front flips overhead, taking herself out of the ring, grabs the side of his waist on her descent, and tries to overtake him with a sunset flip powerbomb to the outside floor! The fans are set to erupt with a rousing chant of holy shit, however Jamie stifles such noise by holding onto the top rope for dear life! If he hadn't, the janitorial staff would soon be sweeping up his remains. The exact second he senses Alix's grip weaken, O'Hara lets go of the rope. SuperJay takes to the friendly skies and comes down on Alix's face with a savage leg drop! Some of the more squeamish fans have to turn away as Alix crumples to the mat like a wadded up newspaper. Jamie lies exhausted on the ring apron, heart thumping a billion miles a minute, head still smarting from her knee drive. COACH Alix, Mister C is gonna love you right. He knows how to please his woman. Leon Rodez, to him sex is just a business. Sex is Coach's religion, and babygirl, I wanna worship you at the altar. Mighty proud of himself, O'Hara slides into the ring, stands up, and begins a round of overhead clapping in hopes of gaining some home country support from the cynical Londoners. Better luck next time, buddy! Not a soul in the building is buying what the youngster is selling. Dejected, he does a pitiful slow clap down, and puts on a puppydog face, before turning irate and telling the crowd “Forget ya'll! I don't need you!” He seeks to take his anger at the fans out on one of their favorite wrestlers, and he's in the prefect position to do just that. To build up speed he runs the ropes, then leaps over them. He tears through the air like a majestic, foul mouthed, hairless, gazelle! Extending his body into a full swanton bomb he erases all of Alix's painstakingly achieved efforts to recover, by flooring her with his beautiful but deathly move! Not even bothering to sell an attack that just saw him fly fifteen feet into the air then land on solid concrete, Jamie kips up, and immediately talks crazy smack into the camera. “You know how Ahhhhhhh do! You can't stop the J-OH! Smell me?” He gets so close to the camera you can see every last blemish and pimple on his youthful face. After his trash talk session draws to a finale, Jamie grabs Alix by the seat of her pants, nearly giving her a wedgie, and lifts her up. He slides her into the ring, then follows her in. Upon rising to his feet he puts the boots to her back, taking pleasure at her agonized whimpers. Alix digs her nails deep into the mat, trying to do anything to cope with the pain his stomps are putting her under. To her, it almost feels like her back is being pounded repeatedly with a sledge hammer. CABOOSE The Upstarts need a win against anybody, because momentum is not in their favor. GPX is jobbing left and right. Wright got beat by Krista, and Stephen Joseph has to turn to cheap shotting me and Cole like a sissy little punk. Some stable you have, Coach. Jamie hauls her upright, and unloads a series of chops to her chest. Each strike sends her wobbling in all different directions. O'Hara stays with her, and gives her such a violent whip to the corner that he falls onto his not so ripped stomach after letting her go. He stands up and runs in after her, with hopes of landing a corner clothesline! Yet Alix has another plan in mind, and refuses to cooperate. She hops onto the second turnbuckle, facing away from her inexperienced counterpart. She flashes her beauty pageant smile at the crowd then shoots her limber body backward as if she was going for a cross body block! Ally crooks her arm around his noggin, twirls both their bodies around, and scrambles his brain like an egg with a DDT! “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” chant the wowed fans. “That's my name, don't wear it out!” She responds as she drops down for a cover. 1 2 Jamie shoots his shoulder up, showing no class by giving the crowd the middle finger as he does so. This rude gesture draws a heated round of boos. COLE This kid makes me sick. Is this the kind of disrespect to the business and the fans we can expect if the Upstarts take over? Alix stands up slowly, stricken with anger over not getting a proper three count. She watches Jamie rise to a sitting position, and decides her next maneuver should be one that sends him to early retirement. “COME ON, BARBIE! LET'S GO PARTY!” she screams to the roaring fans before running to the ropes. Snarling at an opponent who can't even see her, she leaps up, extends her legs forward and annihilates his skull with a devastating reverse enziguri! Now standing, Ally cat does her best GNR impression by doing a little head banging and air guitaring to celebrate her highlight reel worthy strike. The conceited Upstart hotdogger is sprawled out on the mat, oblivious to the freight train that just ran him down. In an impressive display of gymnastic ability the super cute diva hits Jamie with a corkscrew shooting star press! Into a pin of course. CROWD 1 CROWD 2 KICK OUT! Disheveled Jamie rolls to his feet, and fends Alix off with three quick jabs to her exposed stomach. Although they probably couldn't hurt the common fruit fly, they do force the native of Los Angeles into keeping her distance. The Birmingham Bad Boy shoots his body in front of Alix's so his back faces her chest. He drops to his knees, hooking his skinny arm around her head. You don't have to be Bill Apter to know that O'Hara would've been best served by softening her up more, as Alix considers this hold nothing more then a minor annoyance. Tickling her huge fanbase with glee, she does a breathtaking front flip out O'Hara's hold as he tries a headlock takedown. Spezia runs the ropes and comes back with an unconventional and absolutely barbaric knife edge chop! Beads of sweat go flying off Jamie's chest, that's beaten so red that those in the far rows might be tricked into thinking he's wearing a red shirt. She hops horizontally onto O'Hara's less then broad shoulders for a modified tornado ddt. But, SuperJay has the requisite wrestling know how to turn this negative into a positive. Thus he hits Alix with a death valley driver, that shakes every inch of the ring upon impact! Jamie stands up, leans over the ropes nearest Sofa Central, and does some call and response with his biggest fan, Da Coach! JAMIE Can Ah have it like that? COACH (standing) You got it like that! JAMIE Can Ah have it like that? COACH (standing) You got it like that! After ending his cheer leading with the commentator, the hip-hopping Englishman drags a groggy Alix to her feet, and drags her into a front face lock. Taunting the fans, he throws his middle finger into the sky, before doing the same to Alix. O'Hara delays a suplex, in an effort to deplete Alix's energy and regain some of his. He finally drops backwards, agonizing her with a vertical suplex. That worked out so well, he figures he might as well go for the deuce. Thus he rolls his move, and foists her upwards. But now he meets wildly dissimilar results! She slips out the move, landing her sweaty back against his, and having an advantageous inverted face lock snapped on. Spezia spins their bodies around, putting them face to face. The quirky gal then spikes Jamie's oddly shaped mellon into the canvas with a DDT, knocking off his little do-rag as well! The fans cheer on Alix as she goes for a cover... CROWD 1 CROWD 2 UH-UH! Alix has had it up to [i]here[/i] with all the near falls, and her rage clouds her best judgement. She runs the ropes, coming back without having a plan in mind. SuperJay sticks his feet up in the air, presenting Alix with two equally bad choices, run into them, or try to flip over them. She selects option two and he predictably turns her momentum against her, pressing his feet her into abdomen, then kicking them back. This causes her to go tumbling through the air and into the ropes! Alix has a horrid crash landing, her bare legs hitting the top rope, then pushing her backwards onto her spine on the ring floor. “AWWWW” say the crowd at the unfortunate landing. Alix stands up surprisingly quickly all things considered, but doesn't notice O'Hara zooming past her. The spot monkey jumps onto the third rope then flies back with what appears to be a lionsault! But the innovative superstar in one swift motion grabs her into an inverted face lock and drives the back of her head to the mat with a moonsault inverted DDT! An dark cloud of agony settles over Alix's head, raining misery all across her body. A few fans begrudgingly show Jamie his props, but the others pelt his ego with chants of “You suck! You suck!” COACH Let tell me you this right now, The Upstarts are bringing an actual change to the in-ring OAOAST product. What you get with us is fast paced, high flying action, from people like Jamie O'Hara and Alix Spezia. Jamie nails a moonsault elbow drop! He stands up and busts out some funky b-boy breakdancing moves, then hits a sweet shooting star leg drop. Still no one claps. Tough crowd. Figuring that winning the match is more important then garnering crowd support, Jamie lowers his body for the pinfall! But Alix shocks the hell out of him by rising upwards and dragging him down with an inside cradle! CROWD 1 CROWD 2 CROWD 3 The idiots in the stands counted way too fast because the referee signals that that was a clear two count. The fans reply to this decision with a heated round of “bullshit” chants. Both wrestler's rise to their feet at the same time, but it's Alix striking first with an Irish whip to the corner. Jamie does the customary “turn and hit the pads with your back”, leaving him open to taste whatever poisonous dish Alix is cooking. She runs to him, hops into the air and pushes her legs forward for some kind of hurricanrana attempt! The elusive Upstart moves out of the way! Alix is placed into a perilous spot, a sitting duck on the top turnbuckle. Not allowing his opportunity to slip away, the duck hunter speedily scales the top rope, then blasts Alix's face with a leaping side kick! This knocks her into a tree of woe position! The Londoners try to break out an Alix chant, but all the love and appreciation can't help her now. Jamie measures her, picks the perfect spot, then delivers a disgustingly stiff kick to the side of her head! As the sound of his foot meeting her head echoes throughout the arena, Alix slumps down to the mat, tears streaming out her eyes, and rolling down her cheek. “What's the matter? Ya can't take it? Poor baby!” Jamie taunts her. CABOOSE If he didn't waste so much time running his mouth, he could've won this match five minutes ago. His jeers seem to have revitalizing effect on the fallen superstar. Drawing strength from a deep rooted urge to prove him wrong, she springs up and begins to pepper him with stiff slaps to the face! Gobs of spit fly from his mouth, as Alix's turbulent blows push him all across the ring. The audience is loving watching their heroine give the villain his comeuppance! After about the twentieth slap, a red-faced Jamie plants a panicked knee into her midsection. The Birmingham Bad Boy grabs his bent over adversary into a double under hook, hauls her into the air and unleashes a sitout tiger driver! Into a pin! 1 2 KICK OUT Dazed to the point where she's actually having trouble remembering where she is, Alix sits up. O'Hara runs the ropes, thinking that his next move will be the one that seals the deal. He rebounds as fast as his little Rebook's can carry him, hoping to plant one of those sweatshop produced shoes into her face. However Alix counters by putting the toe of her shoe into his gut! Feeling the need to puke, O'Hara lumber backwards, and Alix hops to her feet! She sends him rolling into the corner with an awesome dropsault! The once deflated crowd picks their mood out of the gutter with chants of “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” Spurred on by the chanting, Spezia hits the cornered O'Hara with another dropsault, this time landing on her funky colored boots! She blows a kiss to a little boy in front the row holding an “I love Alix” sign, before catching a staggering Jamie with a fisherman's suplex! Into a bridge, baby! CROWD 1 CROWD 2 KICK OUT! “THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE!” Letting the crowd do the arguing for her, Alix brings J-OH to his feet by his stringy hair. She softens him up with two jabs to the breadbasket then whips him away. Apparently he's not as softened as she thought, as he reverses the move! O'Hara drops down and touches his toes, planning on having her leap frog him. But when the hippy-trippy honey returns, she turns around, then backflips over him. This puts him on the defensive, and he can't even see the woman he's defending against. Alix applies a sloppy full nelson, then drags him up for a full nelson slam! Unfortunately for her, he reveres it into an arm drag! Jamie gets on her case the minute she stands up, whipping her into the corner. She turns it around, launching [i]him[/i] back first into the steel buckles! Alix follows him with a corner splash, but O'Hara is well prepared for her attack. He dips low and back body drops her over the ropes! Thankfully Alix is able to land her little boots squarely on the apron. Spezia sling shots herself back into the fray, getting O'Hara into a bulldog! But he shoves her off, saving himself from a nasty headache! As Alix turns around he levels her with a needlessly stiff lariat. COUNTERED into an even stiffer STO that leaves an imprint of O'Hara's body in the canvas! As that super sick move replays on TV's across the land, Alix is already setting up her next cringe worthy hold. She picks Jamie up, and keeps him dazed with a few elbows to the head. From there she drapes his arms across the top cable, facing him towards the rabid fans. The 5'5 superstar runs the ropes, rebounds, leaps into the air , and grabs Jamie's head with a inverted facelock on her ascent. Wowing the capacity crowd, she flies out of the squared circle with a diamond cutter variation! As Alix lands on the outside mats, her viscous hold snaps O'Hara's throat off the hard cables, and causes his head to bounce back so awkwardly it looks like it may roll clear off his shoulders! “ALIX! ALIX! ALIX!” chant the amazed London faithful COLE Jesus Christ! The lovable young lady blows kisses to her fans, while the detestable young lad spends his time coughing up blood. She celebrates her cool strike, by making like Missy Elliot and get-get-getting her freak on with a few fans in the front row. After finishing her dancing, she rolls into the ring, and grabs Jamie into grounded front face lock. Because there aren't any actual moves you can use in a grounded front face lock, she has to lift him up to do anything. Spezia shoots him into the air, runs to the corner, and gives him an oh-so nasty crotch first drop onto the top turnbuckle! “OOOOOH!” say the crowd members who aren't laughing at his misfortune. Just to alleviate some of the awful pain, Jamie puts his legs on the inside of the ring. COACH Always count on the Upstarts to pull out the victory in the end! Fraught with an extreme panic, O'Hara frantically kicks away at an advancing Alix. He manages to delay her assault for a little while. However he goes to well one too many times, and she grabs his foot on one of his slower kicks. From there Ally Cat yanks her worried foe clear off the turnbuckle! As he's about to plummet to the mat, she grabs both his legs onto her shoulders then lays waste to the poor kid by torpedoing him into the turnbuckle with a lethal powerbomb! “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!” COLE You got that right! COACH Jamie is a tough kid. He can bounce back from anything. Believe you me. While O'Hara belts out an anvil-chorus(look it up, kids), she hooks him into a wheelbarrow suplex set up. As much as he's suffering right now, he's in for whole lot more pain if Alix gets her suplex off. Knowing this, he manages to secure a position on her shoulders on his ascent. He spins his skinny frame around, so that his crotch is in her face (lol!). He attempts a hurricanrana, however Alix has little difficulty flipping him off! When he lands, the riled up diva lunges at him with a lariat! He avoids near decapitation by ducking it! His arrogance getting the best of him, he taps his head with his index finger to show us how smart he is. He rotates to gloat to the fans on the other side, and is introduced to the world's nastiest yakuza kick! Again he avoids a beheading, ducking the brutal move! This time he does more then taunt, and slaps Alix with a gorgeous back heel kick! To his alarm the blow doesn't even knock her over, it just leaves her slightly dazed and [i]very very[/i] angry. She rumbles into him with a massive yakuza kick, that connects with his face with a resounding impact. The shot opens a deep gash on his forehead, and sends the tipsy brawler reeling all the way to the corner! Seeing nothing but red, Spezia charges him with her latest attempt to separate his head from his body, a running dropkick! Again Jamie fights off dismemberment, pulling Silverman in to be his meatsheild. [B]KRAAAAAAACK[/B]! That's the excruciatingly disturbing sound of Alix's shoes massacring Billy Silverman's facial cartilage. Nose gushing more blood then Red Cross gets in a year, Silverman collapses to the mat. COLE Silverman down! Silverman down! Alix looks concerned for Silverman's welfare, but only because he promised to score her weed after the show. She's a little more disquieted about O'Hara, who's climbed to the top rope! He throws his body off, landing onto Alix's shoulders in a victory roll set up! He tries to pull her backwards, but there will be no victory for him, as Alix shoves him off with unerring ease. As he's plummeting to the mat, she amazingly catches him in a full nelson then hits him with the [b]Midnight Motivation[/b] (Full Nelson Face Crusher)!!! “YEAAAAAAAA!” Go the crowd. CABOOSE Your boy is done, Coach. Before Coach can even say “The Upstarts always have a plan”, boos and jeers are polluting the arena air, as GPX member Johnny Jax is storming down the aisle. Double J hops on the ring apron, ready to throw down with his hated rival. She's more then ready to rumble, and comes at him with a running forearm! But before her blow can dislodge his jaw, Johnny sprays her in the face with [i]Elegance[/i] a new fragrance by Krista Isadora Duncan! COLE Oh no! “JOHNNY JACKASS! JOHNNY JACKASS!” the crowd chant at the Upstrat Blinded by the sweet cherry scented perfume, Alix turns around and stumbles into a [color=red][b]SPIKED PUNCH[/b][/color] (double underhook brainbuster) from Scotty Static! COACH Spiked punch! Punched Spike! Sunched Pike! Ah! COLE Where in tarnation did he come from?! The fans are pushed beyond infuriated, and pelt Static with every derogatory slur their minds can think of. He shows them zero interest, focusing his attention on dragging his bloodied ally, O'Hara onto a prone Alix. With O'Hara in position, Static rouses a befuddled Silverman, then escapes to ring side. As Billy makes a count, Static and Jax sit on the outside, [i]tearfully[/i] watching their masterplan play out to exquisiteness . 1 2 COLE No! Not this way! Damn it! Damn it! 3!!! “BOOOOOOOOOO!” As “Lose Yourself” returns to TV's nationwide, Static, still crying tears of joy, drags O'Hara, who doesn't even know he won a match, out of the ring. The GPX member gathers his best bud, Johnny Jax, and the trio retreat up the ramp. Scotty is radiant with pride over this hard won victory, Johnny is blinding random audience members with sprays of the perfume, and Jamie is back to talking all sorts of trash to whoever will listen. COLE Coach, the Upstarts stole one! It took three people to beat Alix Spezia. COACH Don't get so uptight about the Upstarts, mang. We do what it takes to win. Jamie got a win in his home country, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Look, I'll tell you a joke to ease the pain. Knock knock. COLE Who's there? COACH Eura COLE Eura who? COACH Eura stupid bitch who needs to shut up before you get smacked across your face. I got yo monies! I got yo monies!

awww yeaaah, sick credit to tony for his assistance. COLE Let's spy on Krista during a personal moment! (We go backstage, where Krista is chatting on her cellphone with her daughter Maya.) KRISTA Maya, calm down. What? What?! What do you mean you got a zero out of ten? That's no points. None. They give you at least a point for writing your name correct. Two for giving the date...no sweetie, mommy's not mad at you. Mommy's mad at the teacher. The teacher. Does she know how much money I donate to that school? They should name a wing of the gym after me if not the whole school. Why did you fail....You said that the reason leaves fall from trees is that they jump off before birds can eat them? Who told you that? Aunt Alix? Auntie Alix? Sweetie, you're old enough now that I can finally tell you this. Auntie Alix is a moron. When Auntie Alix is at a loss for words, we're all at a gain. You know how they teach you to say no to drugs and sign pledge cards? Well, Aunt Alix never signed her's. You have the three R's at school. Reading, Riting, Rithmetic? Auntie Alix has her three S's. Snorting, Sniffing, Smoking. And she has snorted, sniffed, and smoked, herself half retarded. Yes, like Igor. But we still love Auntie Alix, right? Good. Who told you liquor is a drug? Don't listen to her. Ever. Liquor isn't a drug, honey. Remember how much you loved your bottle? Mommy loves her grown-up bottle just as much. Oh, sweetie, don't listen to your classmates. They're just jealous their mommies and daddies aren't half as successful as your mommy, isn't that right? (in baby voice) Yes. Yes it is. What's that? No, you don't have to call him Uncle Leon. They'll break up in a month anyway. No, they're adult movies, honey. (The camera catches two shirtless men, who might be the most devilishly handsome guys ever seen on OAOAST television, walking down the hallway. As the pair, clad in low rise Hollister jeans, pass by the women in the hallway, jaws hit the floor and passions arise. Never have the astonished ladies' eyes feasted on such glorious bodies. The men give each woman they pass a nod and sexy wink. Half of the females faint, consumed with a blazing lust for these beautiful strangers. The two knock outs stop at Krista Isadora Duncan's spot. Krista is simply stunned by these angels of beauty.) KRISTA Wow! Uh........Huh? Nothing, baby. Uh, mommy's gotta go. Mommy has some stalkers she needs to mase. Give the doggie a kiss, not a real one because he has germs. Bye. (She hangs up the phone. KID starts rummaging through her purse her hands looking for the mase, but her eyes never leaving the two guys.) KRISTA Umm....I'm out of mase. Can you just roll around on the floor like I did spray you? GUY 1 Woah, we aren't stalkers! We're the Sk8er Boiz. Marv and Mel! We made [i]Weekend at Neddy's[/i] for you and Alix. Remember? It won an Emmy and it's getting turned into a Broadway musical starring Liza Minnelli in the lead role. KRISTA The Sk8er Boiz? Heh. Those guys are, well, they aren't exactly a sight for sore eyes. To be honest, they aren't a sight for any eyes. They kind of took a nasty drop from the ugly tree and hit a few of the branches on the way down. (smacks forehead) Stupid me. Now I get it. The OAOAST recast the roles of the Sk8ter Boiz. Cal fired the two who were playing them before, and hired newer better looking ones. That's smart. Ask Calvin if he can hire another carpetmuncher, preferably a ditzy brunette who won't sell you out for a chance to bone the gangbang king of the OAOAST, because I could use one. MARV No, no, no. We're the same two guys! Swear to god. I know how we looked before. We were so ugly, that when I got hit by a car, they called the vet. People used to call us the Casper twins, we were so pale. When Mel slipped on a candy wrapper in the arena at WWE, Jamie O'Hara walked by and said “Oh shit, who spilled the milk!” We were so skinny, your friend Alix wanted to call in Sally Struthers for a telethon for us. At the company's summer picnic, when it was windy, Simon Singleton had to tie us to a tree so we wouldn't blow away. MEL We knew we needed to turn our life around. And we did. We moved out of Mama Nerdly's attic, and down to the sun bathed beaches of SoCal. We trained at the gym, got buff, and if my first name was Marcus and not Melvin, I'd say we are the stuff. And we're here to say thanks to the woman who made it possible. KRISTA (turning her head around) Where is she? I'll give you the massage...damn it...I mean give her the message. Holy shit. MARV We're looking at her! KRISTA (still turning her head around) I don't see her. It isn't healthy for boys your age to have imaginary friends. Wait. Y-Y-You mean me? Me? What did I do? MARV We had your FIT with KID tapes in our room forever. And they're the only thing we took with us when we moved down from Canada. It turns out they're more then just an excuse to burn through a bottle of baby oil and a box of tissues! They're actually good at getting us in shape. Once we were finished with the tapes we joined your gym in Santa Monica. Mel had to sell a kidney to cover the membership fees, but it was worth it! KRISTA (snapped out of her day dream of the Sk8er Boiz) Gym? Oh, yeah, right. Right, right. MEL And we hit the weights even harder then we hit the boards. Now we're hitting all the hot broads. From the front to the back, back to the front. MARV Before we couldn't even get a date off a calendar. Now thanks to you, we aren't gonna die virgins! MARV & MEL (jumping high five) Yes! MEL Look at us, man..er woman. You've changed our life. No longer do I don't spend my Friday nights wondering if the girl I'm trying to cyber with is really a girl at all. No longer is my most used pick up line “A/S/L”. No longer am I cock blocked by 404 errors. No longer does my only up close and personal experience with the female genitalia consist of pressing the zoom button on my DVD remote. Real life, flesh and blood babes are all over this hot boy! I'd beat 'em away with a stick, but then I might get sued for assault and battery. MARV We even got stopped by the cops walking down the street. They thought we were carrying firearms in our pants. :D KRISTA :wub: MEL (getting very excited, almost foaming at the mouth) It's getting to the point where I can't plant my wheels without having to ollie over some hot piece of jail bait trying to jump my bones. Our babe quotient has increased to the 69th power, because I'm doing these girls 69 ways! I have a redhead for breakfast, a blonde for lunch and Marv and I split a sensible brunette for dinner.. (Marv elbows Mel in the side) MEL I'm so sorry. I got excited for a bit. Being a hottie is kind of new to me. I forgot who I was talking to. KRISTA (Waving them off) It's okay. Um, well, you're hot...I mean you're welcome. You look...uh..yeah..um..what's that word? Starts with a g. MEL Good? KRISTA I was thinking gorgeous. Wow. [size=1]You make me almost wish I could rescind my GLAAD membership.[/size] MARV Every night we've got chicks willing to give us an up close and hands on view of what it's like to come out of the womb again. But, you're like our mother. You've given birth to us, the new Mel and Marv. Pardon me if this is too forward, but can we give you a hug? KRISTA (feigning apathy, and failing horribly at it) I mean I don't know, that's kind of inappropriate...it wouldn't be.... MARV You're right. I'm sorry, that was too bold of me. I apolo.. KRISTA No! Shut-up and hug me! (Krista grabs the muscular hunks and hauls them together for one big hug.) KRISTA This doesn't make me a sellout. Right? If I squint real hard, you kinda look like girls. (The embrace lasts for a good two minutes before Marv finally says..) MARV Uh, maybe we should go... KRISTA Huh? It's a two hour show, nothings happening, you won't miss anything. Do you like kids? I have a kid. I have a Lexus also. And a condo in West Hollywood, and a beach front house in Malibu. You can have the house in Malibu. I can buy another one.

I can't be the only one with an affinity for a fine lip balm.

Yeah. Oops!

I like chapstick.

I lied. I added something

Anything I could add would simply disrupt the awesomeness of the segment. Good job! As for you, Christopher, what on earth are you talking about? Why don't you take your extensive vocabulary of homophobic slurs elsewhere and get out of my thread. Hmmmm?

uh-huh.

It did make me laugh! I pictured him saying it in Dave Chappelle's nasally "white person voice".

Nice show, wasn't as long as I thought it'd be. Out of order feedback coming up. Stephen Joseph has a potty mouth. I actually think he'd be a popular wrestler in real life, because of his “f the man attitude” and his filthy language! Johnny and Scotty's discussions about stains and bagels were cute. The beatings on the announcers were a little weird, although Popick hates Caboose so that does make some sense. I had The Upsatrts/PK in the mainevent at first, but I figured since it's Axel's first match back he should have the main event. Intrigue with Peter Knight and his cellphone. If Zack Malibu talked to me like that in real life, I'd knock the shit right out of him. I have knocked the shit out of him for talking to me like that. Don't ever talk to me like that again, Zack. Anywho, the Upstarts six man was a good match all around. Props to PRL for quoting a Ludacris song. For some reason I always got Colombian Heat and Cuban Wall confused. The Sooners Bruisers have come a long way since the time I suggested they face COD for the tag titles at a PPV and Tony LOLed at me. I'll never forget that humiliation,Tony. Ever.... Oh, Tony, have months of interacting with me taught you nothing? Thugs don't say whole shebang! Well, at least not thugs from LA. Otherwise a very good segment. The NRG thing was really, really, funny, as I've told you before. A shooting star double stomp is a pretty wicked move, I must say. Am I the only one who puts commercial breaks into matches? I just do it so I don't have to write as much. Why try to describe a chinlock, when you can just say (GO TO BREAK)? Work smart not hard, kids. Funny Love Shack!

Team Name: The Christ Air Express Name: MARV Age: 25 Height: 5'8 Weight: 185lbs Hometown: Originally from Edmonton, now residing in Laguna Beach, California. Allignment: Face Stable affiliation (if any): Christ Air Express, along with brother MEL Wrestling style (brawler, cruiserweight, technical, all-rounder, etc.): Cruiserweight Theme music: Rise Against- Like The Angel Entrance Style (what color pyro, spotlights, etc.): Entrance attire (sunglasses, robe, jacket, etc): Blue jacket, with a fancy Christ Air Express logo on the back with stars and clouds and stuff. Ring attire: Orange trunks, with a star surrounded 'MARV' on the BUTT in bright blue. Blue knee and elbowpads, orange boots and wristtape. Finishing Move(s) (try to keep it to 1 or 2): Marvellousity- Pheonix Splash, which is a Moonsault 450 Signature Moves (ex: Shining Wizard, Rolling Germans, etc.): Jawjacker- Inverted Stunner Acid Drop- Dudley Dog Running DDT Diamond Dust Reverse Diving Headbutt Standing Moonsault Moonsault to the floor Basic moveset: Basic cruiser moves Manager/valet/sidekick: - Catchphrases/Trademark gestures: The “RAWK” hand signal (devil horns). Name: MEL Age: 25 (he's the oldest by 40.8 seconds) Height: 5'8 Weight: 185lbs Hometown: Originally from Edmonton, now residing in Laguna Beach, California. Alignment: Face Stable affiliation (if any): Christ Air Express, along with brother MARV Wrestling style (brawler, cruiserweight, technical, all-rounder, etc.): Cruiserweight Theme music: Rise Against- Like The Angel Entrance Style (what color pyro, spotlights, etc.): Entrance attire (sunglasses, robe, jacket, etc): Orange jacket, with a fancy Christ Air Express logo on the back with stars and clouds and stuff. Ring attire: Blue wrestling tights, with a star surrounded 'MEL' down the right leg in bright orange and more orange stars on the left leg. One black elbowpad on the right side and orange boots. Trendy wishbone necklace. Finishing Move(s) (try to keep it to 1 or 2): Shooting Star Press Signature Moves (ex: Shining Wizard, Rolling Germans, etc.): Melanoma- Sitout Powerslam/Michinoku Driver Noseplant- Rocker Dropper You've Got MEL -- Shooting Star Suicída Swinging Bulldog Full Nelson Facebuster Spinning Heel Kick Basic moveset: Basic cruiser moves Manager/valet/sidekick: - Catchphrases/Trademark gestures: After scoring with a big move, he'll run his hands, palms up, against his six packed stomach. MEL still kind of acts like a dork. History/Background/Career Highlights: Independent wrestlers Marvin and Melvin Nerdly were given OAOAST contracts with the promise of being groomed into legitimate stars in the tag team division. It was a promise that was never fulfilled. The twins were saddled with a comedy gimmick and quickly shuffled down to the prelims, while teams far less talented then them were given chance after chance to get over. Needless to say the hungry youngsters were none too pleased with this. Realizing that they were the only ones who could change their status in the company, they adopted a slightly more hip and serious gimmick as cool skaters that was allegedly truer to their real life persona. Seeking to capitalize on the popularity of a song that isn’t even popular anymore the OAOAST creative staff forced them to take the name Sk8ter Boiz. To the surprise of the OAOAST front office not only did the duo get over with their gimmick but they also captured the tag team titles from the division's golden boys, The New New Midnight Express. Although they would never say it outright, the OAOAST brass wasn't exactly pleased to see the Boiz holding a top position. As such the exact second the kids lost their titles, they were shuffled back down to the undercard, without so much as hint of a rematch. Being two smart lads, Marv and Mel realized the thing that held them back most wasn't stuffy old men in the front office, but rather their look. To be frank, they were probably the two ugliest gents in the company. The twins realized that all the top spots in the tag divisions went to good looking teams, Chicks Over Dicks, The Saints, GPX, NNMX. Their new mission was clear: Shed the last of their nerdy personality and become bonafide, boneable hotties. They vacated the only home they'd ever known, the frozen tundra of Edmonton, Alberta, and relocated to the sunny paradise of Southern California. Resisting the temptation to enter the lucrative and undeserved industry of twin-gay porn, the boys set their focus on getting lean and getting hot. Besides their bitchin boards, and clothes, the only other thing they brought down from Canada was the exercise tapes of Krista Isadora Duncan. Previously prime jackin' fodder, the videos became their vehicle to a land of fantastic beauty. Soon they enrolled in Krista's outrageously priced gym in Santa Monica. From there the boys became the heartthrobs you see before you today. Finally, they believed they'd gain the respect and fame they deserve. Things didn't quite work out as they'd hoped however. The new-look Boiz had more rapport with the female fanbase, but they still carried the Sk8ter Boi stigma and continued to flounder in the crowded tag team ranks. So, looking to ditch the stigma of 'everyone's favourite whipping Boiz', the Nerdly brothers underwent another makeover. This time, into the more serious, respectable Christ Air Express. And they intend to go right back to the top of the mountain- this time for real. AS A TEAM: Team Finishing Move(s): Happy Ending- Double Ace Crusher Team Signature Moves: Double Kickflip- Double Dropsault Sent From Above- MEL picks up MARV in an Electric Chair, then throws him down onto the opponent with an assisted back senton Pearly Gates- Flatliner/Enziguri combo Crisp Tag Team Wrestling- MEL and MARV are identical twins, so they make a very good, natural, at times effortless team. This allows them to chain together 3 or 4 moves on the fly or come up with innovative double-team moves out of the blue. They also do things in stereo, which may or may not be a spooky coincidence due to that mythological kinship twins share. [And yes, the capital letters are mandatory.]

OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents... #~~THE LOVE SHACK~~# We're taken to 'Grand Rapids', 'MI', to the state of the art set of the world's most influential interview program, The Love Shack! Our wild and wacky host, often compared to Larry King in his prime, Leon Rodez is sitting behind his desk wearing a Grand Rapids Griffins hockey jersey. RODEZ Oh, hello there. Welcome to The Love Shack, the show Entertainment Weekly called insipid, base, distasteful, and a banal rout that sets broadcast journalism back twenty years. Fortunately, I declared that week opposite week, and that means they really liked the show! Thanks guys! Now, The Love Shack is more then just a place for me to be a comedic foil to straight laced heels and uptight babyfaces who the bookers have forced me to tag with. No, The Love Shack is also a place for me to pontificate (I've been doing mah book learnin') about serious issues of the day. I'll tell you what's a serious problem. The Boy Scouts of America. That's right, you heard me. Bear with me. Innocent organization designed to breed upstanding citizens or Neo Nazi cult designed to breed super soldiers to prepare for the arrival of cyborg Hitler? Before you change the channel to a rerun of The Parkers, and proclaim I've been hitting the wacky weed, look at this picture of these hate mongering servants to the third Reich, then decide. RODEZ (shaking his head) I think the answer is fairly obvious. Wouldn't you say, audience? Audience? Audience? There is no audience, even though I promised free punch. Camera man, say yes. CAMEREA MAN Yeah, screw Hitler. RODEZ Yes. That's why I propose a new group where young boys can be molded into the men of the tomorrow, free from pervy old dudes giving them the once over. I propose the uh..Rodez Scouts of America. No, I won't give you any fancy badges from walking old ladies across the street and not coping a feel while doing it, no I won't teach you any stupid skills that will only be useful if you decide you want to be Davey Crockett when you grow up, no I won't give you a uniform that's basically an invitation to bigger kids to beat your ass, but I will give you this; Spice World on DVD. A cinematic masterpiece. I always liked Sporty Spice, because it always felt like I could do her. She was hot, but ugly enough that she felt doable to the average man. Speaking of ladies I wouldn't mind doing, let's introduce my guests. They haven't been on a pay per view since Laguna Beach season one was still on the air, they've wrestled exactly two matches in the past four months, but that's alright, that's okay, they're gonna make it anyway, because they're really hot. They are Chicks Over Dicks....Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan... Cue the applause track as The COD walk onto the set. Alix merrily waves to some non-existant audience members while Krista seems noticeably less enthralled. The two sit down on their provided chairs, Krista closest to Leon. Until, that is, Alix picks up her chair and squeezes it in the small gap between Krista's and the desk. ALIX Did I hear you right? Did you say that I was really hot? Aw, that's so nice of you. Isn't that nice, Krista? She looks angry. Best not talk to her too much. I really like it when men say that to me because it means they're not just into me for my brains or to steal my expert haircare tips. Men are such women nowadays. Have you noticed that? Huh? Huh? And, not like those half and halfers. Love Hewitts, I call them. She tried to sue me once, but then we spread that rumour about her on the internet. So. Owned. That's what she gets for stealing my part in Can't Hardly Wait. But, I think I've said to much because there's a flick knife jabbing me in the thigh, which usually means Krista's getting tetchy. Or she's drunk. Or not drunk enough. Putting on facecream, wearing pink, washing their hair more than twice a week. If I don't do that, why should men? Makes no sense. I see you have funny little braids in your hair, so I'm gonna stop talking. RODEZ Good, so... ALIX See, I like compliments. They're so...complimentary. Like those funny little mints that you get on your pillows. Your minty compliments make me all fuzzy inside. In a good way. Not the way I went fuzzy inside when I accidently swallowed that lollipop I found down the back of my car seat and unwrapped and put in my mouth to see if it was apple or lime. But Krista, she has this kinda thing where she kinda wants to kill every male that she sees. Kinda. In fact, if she were paying attention enough to realize that you called her hot, you'd be in a lot of hot, bubbly water right now. If that desk wasn't protecting your wang shaft, she'd have probably dived onto you as soon as she walked in and cut it right off. She did it to this hobo one time. Man, that was some running. Some people would probably enjoy that though. RODEZ Oh, I know exactly what you mean. And what I mean by that is, I kinda tuned out midway through what you were saying and started staring at your breasts. But I heard the last bit...and I've seen it all in my time. ALIX Really? Have you ever seen a Portugese woman in an Emu costume getting it on with two Alsatians. RODEZ Uh, no. ALIX Oh, damn. Okay, okay, how about this one. A woman called Krista and a guy called Ned in the back alley behind a Diary Queen? RODEZ Ha, yeah, I saw that one! ALIX (to Krista) See! And to think, you said nobody with half a braincell would buy it! KRISTA I still have no evidence to say otherwise. This 'interview' is beginning to get out of control. So, ever the professional, Rodez completely ignores the bickering going on between his guests and simply grabs a swig of his Fresca. ALIX (to Rodez once more) Hey, you're tag team partners with Zack now, aren't you! Boy, that must be fun. I really mean that. Honestly. I swear on it. Promise. Honest engine. Incase you couldn't tell, that was sarcastic. Zack sucks. By the way, this interview is really swell, don't ya think? RODEZ Can't be any worse than my recent efforts. So, anyway, Krista, you haven't said much. What do you think of the interview so far? KRISTA Me? I think it's been god awful. It's like being tied, bound and gagged to your bed and being forced to watch re-runs of MadTV 24 hours a day, all day, every day. Cruel and unusual punishment. But, maybe I'm being too kind. I have that habit. How about I tell it to you straight, kiddo. It's a farce. You're no more of an interviewer than David Letterman is. It's more of a farce than American Idol. It's more of a farce than NASA. It's more of a farce than WNBA coverage. Sure, we don't know how to dunk, but we make up for it with good fundamentals. Yeah, so I stole that line from a Futurama epsiode...so what? Are you saying that makes me unoriginal? Obviously, you're not saying with words. But I can read your mind. You're lusting after my little sister and hoping that that lackey you sent to get you a foot long from Subway would hurry the hell up. ALIX Oh my gawd! We're sisters!?! That means we just got our incest on in the dressing room before we came out here! That's hot! But I don't want our babies to come out all deformed and defective. Like they could have three eyes, or six arms, or be Saved By The Bell fans. KRISTA (cringing) You, Mister Rodez, also think I'm unoriginal. Me. Unoriginal. Leon, you're preaching to the choir here. We're the original originals. And we don't need cool jackets with our names on to prove it. Chicks Over Dicks have been ripped off more times than Christina Aguilera's underwear. Consistantly and rampantly. With teeth. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? Bitch, please. Alix had an eating disorder while they were still occupying space in their mother's womb...sapping her energy...taking her internal fluids...making her unattractive to the opposite sex. Yes, I have issues. Don't even get me started on that jerkoff Billy Banks. All the moves in Tae-Bo were the same I used to kick his bald ass when he made a pass at me at Miss California contest. The Pussycat Dolls? Don't make me laugh. Seriously, I got a botox injection and it'll make my face hurt. They're a ripoff of a ripoff. Where do you think the Spice Girls got their dress sense from? Certainly not us. They did steal everything else from us though. Including Alix's singing voice. Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? That was my sure-fire chat-up line for 7 years, 8 months, 23 days. Not that I need it now, seeing as all men are sub-human pigs who impregnate you with their demon spawn and then run off to form half baked tribute acts to wrestling tag-teams from the 1980s. RODEZ Not me. KRISTA I'm sorry little boy, did you say something? I've heard that before. You narcissistic sports pimps are all the same. RODEZ No, seriously. I'm a former pornstar see... ALIX Really? RODEZ ...so, I'm actually incapable of that, if you catch my drift... ALIX Rrrrreeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy? RODEZ ...and me and Zack don't rip off anyone from the 1980s. Zack's too busy ripping off the entire early 90's re-run lineup. I pratically had to beg him not to call ourselves Hang Time. ALIX Rrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy? RODEZ ...actually, no. It was the other way around. Seemed cool at the time. Awkward silence. Alix glances at a nonexistent watch on her left wrist, as Krista contemplates suicide, just to get out of this ear-bleeding pointless segment. RODEZ According to this card, I have to talk about OAOAST matters on the show. So I'll abandon my planned discussion on climate change's affect on the mighty Himilayas and ask you about tonight instead. And, everyone's happy. Win for me, win for you Krista...err...and Alix...err... ALIX I found a nickel! It was in someone's pocket! RODEZ Wow...nickel! That's one of the most precious metals alive! ALIX I know! Wanna see it? Reaching hurriedly into her pocket, Alix pulls out the nickel and shows it to Leon with a beaming smile. But Leon isn't looking at the nickel. He's looking right into Alix's eyes. Cue sickly sweet, romantic music. ALIX ...Oh, that's my phone. *picks up phone* Hello? I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you, this is a very bad connection. You want to know how big my whats are? Man, there's a lot of static here. But, thankfully, no Jax. Hello? You'll have to speak up. You want to know if you can jab your long, floppy, rubber what up my who? I think you might have the wrong number, madam. Unless you got this off a bathroom stall door. In which case, thank you very much for your interest in whatever services you've been told I provide. But, unfortunately, I don't do that sort of thing unless you're a tall, rich, hot blonde, who happens to think the phrase “happy hour” has a silent “twenty four” in the middle. My “sister” however, seems to be turning into a man-hating lesbian as of late, so maybe I'll put her on. Nope, flick knife in the thigh again. Best hang up now. Toodles! *hangs up* And now, back to the staring. Re-cue sickly sweet, romantic music. KRISTA Ugh! That's it, I'm out of here. There's a liquor store around the corner run by a guy who looks like Chong. Or the other guy. I forget which one. If I haven't staggered out of there in 10 minutes, somebody grab the defibulator from my locker room. I might need to sell it for some beer money. And with that, Krista grumpily walks off. Leaving Alix and Leon still engaged in a super STAREDOWN~! ... OF LOVE~! RODEZ So, assuming your “sister” isn't going to affixiate herself to death, you wanna go grab something to eat? ALIX You had me at Hello. RODEZ That's funny. I don't remember saying "Hello". ALIX Sure you did. Silly! RODEZ No, I think that was the dominatrix chick on the phone. ALIX Oh. Well, either way, it turned me on. So, where are we going to eat then? I fancy something different. Like people say, when in Rome. Hey, lets get pizza! No, wait, Rome's in Italy. What does Spain have. Think Alix, think. You've watched Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego. Spain. Spain. Beaches? Bullfighting? Landon Maddix? Uh, uh...PAELLA! Let's have some of that. With french fries! RODEZ ...yeah, okay! Just, let me take care of this quickly. *to camera* That was the Love Shack, I was Leon Rodez, Krista was here, Alix still is...next week, stuff will happen no doubt. So, yeah, okay, see ya, yeah, bye. C'mon, let's go get stuffed. ALIX Ooh, goodie! Let's go get something to eat first though. Leon seems confused for a minute, but seems to get the picture and beams as he scuttles out from behind the desk. Grabbing Alix by the arm, Leon then whisks the wacky Ms. Spezia out of her chair and away out of shot. Just missing a stagehand walking in from the other side of the camera, carrying with him a plastic carrier bag, with a Subway logo.....

Hola to my North American friends. I am Julio The Talking Flag. Bienvenido a España. Mi casa. Spain is a land of beauty, love, history and wonderful energy. Look into any of the crystal blue waters surrounding the shores of Spain's majestic beaches, and you may see the reflection of your deepest hopes and treasured dreams. Turn around and you'll see those vivid dreams brought to beautiful life in España. Won't you join us as the superstars of the OAOAST bring their imaginative brand of culture to this glorious land? OAOAST HeldDOWN~! The theme song, LaLa plays. But it plays really softly, because I'm embarrassed I picked that as a theme song, and I don't you to hear it. Don't blame me, Hoff approved it! Blame him! You know what I'm gonna pick. POWPOWPOWPOW! Our Spanish friends get an extra special pyrotechnic display on this fine Thursday evening. It's not like they needed the colorful display of booming extravagance, as they're plenty worked up for their first ever taste of OAOAST action. Some rowdy fans wave beautifully designed banners, while others beat their hands against drums as chants for random superstars break out. The cameraman has a difficult time just figuring out what he wants to focus on. The producer is telling you to focus on Triple C! COLE Folks, we welcome you to a historic edition of HeldDOWN! Historic for more reasons then one! Not the least of which, being that this our first ever HeldDOWN broadcasted overseas, as we are coming to you from Madrid, Spain! Fans, if you've never been here you owe it to yourself to come once in your life. It is wonderful. The food, the sites, the men. Oh, the men.. CABOOSE Uh...what makes this night truly historic is that it marks the opening of the tourney to crown the first ever OAOAST six man tag team champions! (The image of the belt flashes onto the screen with the participating teams surrounding it.) CABOOSE Tonight Team Heyross faces off against none other then lucha sensation the Spanish Fly and the Okay Okies, The Sonner Bruisers. In addition to that, those rats in the Upstarts Jamie O'Hara and The Global Party Exchange mix it up with Peter Knight and The Usual Suspects. COACH Speaking of Peter Knight, who's becoming cooler by the second, even though he hangs out with dorks like Leon Rodez, how about his loss at November Reign? Dropping the X-title to a man he said wasn't in his league, his ex-partner the Parka. We've got Axel in the da hizzy for shizzy, Stephen Joseph is here, all kinds of mad shit is going down in Madrid tonight! Biggest show of the year baby! Dy-no-mite! Let's get this party started! Punishment by BIOHAZARD hits and Rick Heyross leads Brock Ausstin and Team Heyross out to the ring. BUFFER The following is a first-round contest in the tournament to crown the first-EVER OAOAST Six-Man tag team champions! The match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing the first team, at a total combined weight of 790 pounds...being accompanied by RICK HEYROSS, and JUMBO...CHARLIE MOSS and QUENTIN BENAJMIN, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAMMMMMMM HEYROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, and their partner from Victoria, Minnesota...BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROCK AUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! COLE You heard Michael Buffer, this is our first tournament match! The first-ever OAOAST Six-Man tag team champions will be crowned December 18th at Climax! The Heyross unit gets ready as Krokodilamadurinn by Quarashi hits and the Spanish Fly runs through the curtains, followed out by the Sooner Bruisers. BUFFER And their opponents...at a combined weight of 710 pounds...first, from Oklahoma, the SOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUISSSEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Their tag team partner, from San Diego, California by way of Tijuana, Mexico...the SSSSSSSSPANISSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! COLE And this could be a great team, Coach, the speed of the Fly combined with the strength and mat skills of the Sooners! COACH Yeah, but look on the other side, Cole! These guys, Brock Ausstin, Quentin Benjamin, and Charlie Moss, are the total package. I don't think there's anything the Bruisers or the Spanish Fly can throw at these guys that they won't be able to stop, I say Brock and Team Heyross win this match and advance to the semis. *DING DING DING* COLE And it's the Fly starting things off with Quentin Benjamin, the two speedsters from each side. Fly runs straight to the ropes, and Benjamin catches him in a tilt-a-whirl, but Fly spins around and lands on his feet, then jumps and wraps his legs around his waist, pulling himself back up and giving Benjamin an armdrag! Benjamin charges at Fly again, and gets caught in a drop toehold! Fly runs quickly to the ropes, and drops a snap legdrop! Fly covers... 1.. 2..... Kickout! Fly backs Benjamin into the corner and tags in Frank Frankensteiner. Frank steps in as Fly whips Benjamin to the ropes, and catches him in a bearhug! Frank then sets Benjamin down on his feet and moves his arms up, and takes him over with a belly-to-belly suplex! The crowd goes NUTS as Frank pumps his arms. Charlie Moss runs into the ring, and gets caught with a SOONERLINE~! Brock Ausstin then comes into the ring, as does Frankie Frankensteiner. Brock blindsides Frank with a forearm, then whips him into the ropes. Frankie ducks down behind Brock on all fours as Frank hits a SOONERLINE~! and takes Brock down, and Brock rolls out of the ring! The Fly and the Bruisers play to the crowd as their opponents regroup on the floor. COLE Some nice teamwork from the side of the Sooner Bruisers and the Spanish Fly thus far, and they're in control of this match! Frankie Frankensteiner gets into the ring along with Charlie Moss. Moss goes to the eyes and whips Frankie to the ropes, then goes behind and attempts a sunset flip, but Frankie holds onto the ropes. Frankie charges, ducking a clothesline from Moss, then stopping to catch Moss in a leapfrog and powerslam him! Frankie then gets up and delivers a SOONERLINE~! He then runs to the corner and knocks Ausstin and Benjamin to the floor, then goes behind Moss and delivers a release German suplex! Cover... 1... 2...... Kickout! Frankie slowly gets up and measures Moss, but Benjamin trips him up as he goes into the ropes! Frankie gets up and grabs Benjamin on the floor, which allows Moss to plant a knee to the back, and drop him with a back suplex! Cover... 1.. 2...... Kickout! COLE Tide has turned in this one, thanks to the intervention from the outside by Quentin Benjamin! Moss locks in a front facelock, and tags in Brock Ausstin. Brock drives in a forearm to the back and then another, and then picks him up and delivers a running powerslam! Brock covers... 1.. 2..... Kickout! Brock whips Frankie into the ropes and catches him with a big clothesline! He then tags in Quentin Benjamin, who waits on him and hits him with a dropkick, sending him to the floor! He waits again, then hits Frankie with a PLANCHA to the outside! COACH Benjamin flying to the floor, catching Frankie Frankensteiner with that slingshot to the outside! Benjamin rolls back in and gets admonished by the referee, allowing Jumbo to go behind his back and pick up Frankie in a scoop slam, ramming him back-first into the post! Jumbo then rolls him back in, and Benjamin goes on the apron, then springs to the top rope and comes off on Frankie with a legdrop! Cover... 1... 2...... Frankie gets a shoulder up! Benjamin delivers a snap suplex, then tags Moss in. Moss chokes Frankie with a boot in the corner, breaking at four. He then brings Frankie up and delivers a right hand...and Frankie returns fire! COLE Frankie trying to fight back here in the enemy corner! Moss delivers another right, and Frankie fires back, this time getting off three right hands, knocking Moss to the mat! He then turns and nails Benjamin, and then begins to hammer away on Brock, but Moss comes up from behind, nailing him with the STO backbreaker! Moss then drives more knees to the back before setting both knees on the back. COACH Submission coming up, perhaps, looks like he's setting up the bow-and-arrow! Moss grabs Frankie's ankles and face and rolls over, for a bow-and-arrow hold! Moss wrenches back as Frankie slowly fades. The referee lifts the arm... ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frankie keeps the arm up on the third lift, and brings his hands up to try to break Moss's grip! However, Brock Ausstin reaches over the rope and delivers a forearm to the midsection! Moss tags out to Brock, who takes Frankie over with a belly-to-belly suplex! Cover... 1... 2.......... NO! Frankie kicks out! Brock sets up a back suplex, but Frankie slips over and stumbles into the corner, where Frank tags himself in! COLE TAG MADE, and Frankie's brother Frank in there now! Frank hammers away on Brock with right hands, then runs to the ropes and takes him down with a flying shoulderblock! Frank then goes to the top rope, and comes off with a clothesline! Frank covers... 1.. 2...... Brock kicks out! Frank quickly tags in the Fly, who immediately sends a dropkick to the knee of Brock, sending him down to one knee! He then goes to the ropes and comes back with a short dropkick, catching Brock right in the head! He then goes to the top rope, and delivers a missile dropkick right to the face! Fly covers Brock... 1..... 2................ Brock powers out, sending the Fly all the way over the top rope to the floor! COACH WOW! Look at the power of Brock Ausstin! Jumbo tosses Fly into the post on the outside, prompting Frankie to run around and deliver a MASSIVE SOONERLINE~! to Jumbo on the floor, drawing a huge pop! Fly rolls into the ring in his corner and tags in Frank again, but as he picks up Brock, Benjamin hits him with a superkick! Benjamin then attempts an Irish whip on Frank, but Frank reverses, and hits the FRANKENSTEINER~! COLE FRANKENSTEINER~! COACH Benjamin's not the legal man, though! Brock is, however, and picks up Frank, hitting the F-STUNNER-5~!!!!!11111 1....... 2....................... 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 *DING DING DING* BUFFER The winners of the match, advancing to the second round...the team of TEAM HEYROSS and BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROCK AUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! COLE And this team will meet, in two weeks, the winner of our second six-man match tonight, which consists of Zack Malibu, Leon Rodez, and Peter Knight, taking on the team of Jamie O'Hara and the Global Party Xchange! COACH That should be great! Finally the GPX get revenge for being screwed out of the tag team titles! CABOOSE Finally? They just lost the match four days ago. And they weren't screwed. Fans, we'll be back. (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) Cold return shot of Stephen Joseph, dressed up to wrestle, with OAOAST Championship Gold around his waist, pacing back and forth across the Upstarts locker room. Towels and sports drink bottles lie on the benches, Stephen wringing a wet towel with his hands. He pauses as the sweat drips from the towel to the floor below, cocks his head leftward towards the camera, smiles and then notices the boos from the crowd Crowd: BOOO! You Suck! BOOOO! Stephen Joseph smiles at this, sits down on a bench and from off camera takes a water bottle, downs a swig, smiles again, places the bottle back off camera, clears his throat, and begins to speak. Stephen Joseph Last Sunday Night, I, Stephen Joseph, OAOAST Champion of the Woooorrllld, successfully defended my title for the 5th straight week. In total, I've defended my World Title belt 21 times in the last month, each time earning a pinfall or submission win. I *AM* a fighting champion, and true to my word, I walked out of November Reign still YOUR World Champion. ::BOOOOOO!!!:: Last Sunday Night, I faced a challenge. Tha Puerto Rican, tried and FAILED to get the title away from me. Now, Ed, you put up one hell of a fight, and I commend you for that. I commend you further for shaking my hand afterwards. Sure, you didn't like the fact that I cheated to win, but a champs gotta do what a champs gotta do. You were too busy enjoying the cheering crowd, forgetting that your purpose that night was to WIN the match, not the fans. I took advantage of that. Still, it was a hell of a match, and as soon as I exhaust the list of challengers that are breaking down Calvin's door for a shot, I'll give you another. SJ vs. PR II, whatta match. That could Main Event Anglemania son. Now, I've got to turn my attention to a recently returned ::finger quotes:: Superstar. Axel Crowd: YEEEAAAHHHHH Axel. Fuck Me? No, Fuck you son. You want to talk about not respecting me? You want to completely diss the World Title that I have around my waist. Son, I can handle your shit talking, but you don't EVER talk shit about the OAOAST World Title. You might wear it one day, you really want to shit on that lineage. I might not like most everyone that's held this belt, but I despise them, not the belt. The belt is the BE all and END ALL of the business, so if you won't take back your disrespect, I will beat it the hell out of you. Anytime, Anywhere, Any stipulation. You want to talk about disrespect? ::Stephen Joseph stands up, grabs a water bottle and throws it against the locker room wall, soaking Scotty Static's jersey hanging on a hook.:: Let's talk about YOUR disrespect you hypocrite. Where were YOU this year? You were in Japan, doing your shoot wrestling. You abandoned the OAOAST, because you felt it was sinking. You used us, and then were laughing at us. When Drek Stone and Hoff took their crybaby ass bawl and left, you LEFT with them. And now what? You're back? Axel, you're back because the SHIP has been righted! And who did all that work? WE DID, THE UPSTARTS! I DID, as a FIGHTING CHAMPION. I WILL NOT STAND FOR YOUR SHIT! ::Stephen Joseph is visibly shaking. He breathes deeply, to calm himself down.:: As for tonight, whoever signed my "Open Challenge" it will be for the title, and I will consider you to be Axel. Woo be unto you, for tonight the ring is my inferno, and ye who enter...abandon all hope. Scotty (from off-camera) Dude, my shirt's wet. Johnny (appearing on camera) And it's orange at that. Stephen Joseph Where the hell were you two? Scotty Meeting Stephen Joseph Meeting? Johnny Yeah. You got any stain cleaner? Stephen Joseph Just send it to our dry-cleaners. I'll take the tab. ::Stephen storms out:: Johnny What's his beef? Scotty You know Stephen, always paranoid he's going to get screwed by Corporate Johnny Yeah, Corporate. Scotty Poppyseed bagel? Johnny Dude, where'd you get those? (As Scotty munches on a tasty bagel treat, we go back to the SC)

CUE: "It Ain't Over For Me!" PYRO~! PYRO~! PYRO PYRO PYRO~~~!!! OAOAST World Champion Stephen Joseph steps out from behind the curtain, title belt fastened to his waist. His reaction is well, negative to say the least. He is flanked by Lightning Crew member The Cuban Wall. COLE We all though Tha Puerto Rican was turning on Stephen Joseph, but they're thick as thieves again. He's even allowed his Cuban Wall to accompany Stephen to ringside! Stephen Joseph walks down the rampway and begins to walk around ring, Wall goes to the opposite side. Stephen scales the ring apron and poses with the title on the turnbuckle. BUFFER Introducing first, the cOAOAST World Champion, from ATLANTA, GEEEAAAAWWWGGGGIIIAAAAA, the master of the Finality, heeeeeee issssss STTTEEPHEN JOOOOSEEPH! And the crowd boos. No big suprise. The music dies down, and then the lights go out! STYLES OH MY GOD~! COLE How'd he get there? The lights come back on, and Stephen Joseph is outside the ring pummeling Caboose! The referee is calling for Stephen to get back into the ring but Stephen Joseph decides enough is enough, and throws Caboose into the ring first. Stephen: Wall, RING THE DAMN BELL! COACH Oh Hell YES~! COLE Stephen Joseph has swerved us tonight! Caboose scrambles to get up in the ring and meets Stephen with some rights as the champ slides into the ring DING DING DING~! Caboose whips Stephen Joseph into the ropes, and hits a spinning elbow! Tha Cuban Wall jumps up onto the ring apron, distracting Caboose and prompting the referee to come over! Stephen Joseph with a low-blow to Caboose while Wall is trying to get into the ring. COLE Is this what Stephen Joseph had in mind? OH NO! COACH OH YES! Stephen Joseph, meanwhile, has put on some brass knucles. He steps around Caboose to put himself in between him and the ref. Stephen Joseph drops down and hits a European Uppercut with the knucks to Caboose's jaw! Caboose slumps to the mat, Stephen chucks the knucks, and Wall jumps down off the ring apron. Stephen Joseph smiles to the crowd as he pulls up a limp Caboose. Resting his body facing his chest, Stephen lifts the deadweight of the former wrestler turned announcer with a reverse full nelson, balancing Caboose's head between his legs. He drops Caboose with a SYNCHRONICITY DRIVER~! COLE NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! STYLES OHHHH MMMYYYYY GAAAAAWWWWDDD! COACH Where the hell is that ECW reject? It's academic by the referee! 1! 2! 3! Stephen Joseph retains, but the carnage isn't done. Cuban Wall has grabbed Michael Cole and throws him into the ring, and Stephen Joseph decks the referee! FINALITY TO MICHAEL COLE~! Cuban Wall comes into the ring with a microphone, tossing it to Stephen Joseph Stephen Joseph All I see are two bodies named AXEL lying here. FUCK ME? AWW NAWWW HELL NAW, I WILL FUCK YOU UP! COACH WALLBREAKER ON MICHAEL COLE~! Cuban Wall and Stephen Joseph pose admist the bodies of Michael Cole and Caboose. COACH Another beautiful display by the esteemed OAOAST Champion! SJ climbs the turnbuckles and poses again with his title belt, with Cuban Wall applauding from the ring. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!" ITS AXEL! COACH He's got no business out here! Axel comes in through the crowd and into the ring, but Joseph is still on the turnbuckles, so he can't see the former champion! Cuban Wall is also unawares, and Axel takes advantage of this, sneaking into the ring, hooking one arm of The Wall, and taking him over with a SICK Half-Nelson Suplex! "OOOOOOOOOWWWAAAHHHHHH!" Axel gets right back up, BEGGING for Stephen to get off the turnbuckles and turn around! The crowd is practically begging for he champion to turn around, and he does so... ...but here comes Security! COACH Thats right! Get that crazy man out of here! COLE (obviously in pain) KICK HIS ASS, AXEL! CABOOSE Son of a bitch...he'll get his! What the hell are security doing out here? Let Axel go! These people want to see Stephen Joseph knocked out! SJ finally turns around and sees his adversary, and Cuban Wall clutching at his neck on the mat. Axel tries to get to the champion, but Carl Weathers and co. are right there to stop any altercation between the two. AXEL SOON, STEPHEN! YOUR TIME IS COMING SOON! Security lead the champion out of the ring and up the ramp, as he tries desperately to get to his adversary. Axel, still in the ring, paces around, wondering what to do next, when HeldDown General Manager Calvin Szechstein appears on the AngleTron! CALVIN Hey, Axel! You might be back with a fat new contract, but you’re going to have to re-learn a few things. First lesson, I’m the boss around this place! You want to hurt somebody? Axel nods his head, pacing around the ring like a caged animal. CALVIN Well you’re going to have the opportunity right now, because I’m making a match. It’s going to be Axel, in his return to the OAOAST against… JIIINNNNGGGUUUSSSS!!!! The crowd doesn’t know what to think, but Axel is surprisingly quite happy with the development. COLE My god! Axel versus JINGUS! One on one! CALVIN And that match is coming up right after a word from our amazing sponsors, so Axel, stay right where you are! COLE It’s NEXT! (COMMERCIAL BREAK) COLE What a mountain Axel is forced to climb tonight! He has to contend with the Devilman himself, JINGUS! JINGUS makes his way to the ring, stepping through the ropes and right to Axel, going face to face with the former champion. COACH You know, the Devilman may only have five inches on Axel, but he has over one hundred pounds on the former chump. Axel’s going to get his ass beat tonight. CABOOSE That remains to be seen. We don’t know how much Axel’s style has changed in the last six months. We don’t know what new moves he’s incorporated, and neither does JINGUS. That won’t worry the Devilman, because he’s just after pain, but it should. *DING DING DING* TEH BEL~! Rings and we are underway in this heavyweight match up. Neither man wants to make the first move, with Axel and JINGUS staring each other down, before both men back off and ready themselves for the inevitable tie-up. COLE Two big bulls going at it, but as you said earlier Michael, JINGUS has a distinct advantage in leverage in this one, Axel had better hit-and-run or go to his ground game, because he’ll lose a power battle. Axel and JINGUS stop for a moment, and then step forward to meet in a collar-and-elbow. JINGUS immediately overpowers Axel, pushing him backward, and almost sitting the former champion on his derrière. They lock up a second time, but the same result, JINGUS overpowers Axel a second time. Axel tries a new strategy for the third lock up, ducking under JINGUS’ attempt and going behind the Devilman to apply a rear waist lock. Axel tries to take the big man down on his stomach, but the one hundred pound weight difference makes this difficult, with JINGUS blocking Axel’s attempts to get him off of his feet. COLE Axel with the rear waist lock, but he needs to strategise if he wants to take JINGUS down. The former champion connects with two hard forearms to the back of the head of the big man, but he should know better than to give JINGUS the option to no-sell something. JINGUS tries to swing an elbow around to catch Axel in the side of the head, but Axel ducks under the attempt, grabs JINGUS around the waist and the shoulder… ..T-BONE SUPLEX TO THE THREE-HUNDRED SIXTY POUNDER! COLE What strength shown by Axel! What a suplex! Into a cover straight away! ONE… NO! JINGUS rolls onto his stomach instinctively. COACH Stephen could have done that. JINGUS, while rolling out of the cover, leaves himself open to a front face lock, which Axel applies almost instantaneously. The big man still has a lot of energy though, using his strength to help him get firstly to one knee, then to one leg, and then upright, even with Axel cranking away at the front face lock. JINGUS struggles in the face lock, but decides using his power again would be a good idea. Lifting Axel off of his feet, JINGUS forces him hard into the corner, back-first, causing him to let go of the hold. The Devilman measures the former champion, before connecting with a hard right to the temple, followed by a second for good measure. An Irish Whip later, and Axel is in the opposite corner, and JINGUS is following him, charging and connecting with a hard clothesline to the former champion. Axel stumbles out of the corner, with the Devilman in tow. JINGUS charges out of the corner, and takes Axel down with a clothesline to the back of the head. CABOOSE Two hard clotheslines and Axel is down. JINGUS is exploiting the power advantage in this match. JINGUS comes off of the ropes and delivers a huge elbow drop to Axel, following up in a cover… ONE… NO! Axel kicks out before the two count, but JINGUS is back on him straight away with a choke. The referee tells him to break it, and utilises the five count… One! Two! Three! Four! …and the Devilman breaks the chokehold, as he doesn’t want to be Disqualified. …but he applies it again! One! Two! Three! Four! …and breaks it again, as he is one smart cookie. COLE The Devilman choking the life out of Axel here, and now he’s going to continue the punishment! JINGUS lifts Axel to his feet, grabbing him by the hair, and connecting with a hard right. And a second. One more for good luck. An Irish Whip by JINGUS, Axel comes off of the ropes, ducks a clothesline, comes off of the other side, but doesn’t duck a BIG BOOT~! By JINGUS! COACH Ha-ha! Axel just got his head taken off by JINGUS! Cover by the Devilman… ONE… T-NO! Axel kicks out once again, and JINGUS is back on the offensive, pummelling Axel on the ground, and lifting him to his feet again. Punch to the stomach by JINGUS, before sending Axel into the corner. The big man charges… ..but Axel moves, and follows up with a STIIIIIIFFFFF~! Forearm! And another! A left! A right! Left-right combo! With every clash of skull and forearm, the crowd shudders! A knee doubles JINGUS over, and Axel takes advantage, grabbing the back of JINGUS’ head, and connecting with three Joe-like knees while he is bent over! And he follows these up with a series of stiff kicks to the unprotected skull of the Devilman, each kick eliciting an ‘UWAAAH’ from the crowd! COLE My god! He’s sick! He’s showing no mercy! Axel with hard forearms to the head of JINGUS, and finally he uses a closed fist, landing an uppercut, which momentarily incapacitates the big man. Axel runs back, measures his opponent, and charges forward, connecting with a leaping knee to the head of the three-hundred pounder in the corner! “UWAHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!” CABOOSE That’s how he gets a lot of his knockouts! JINGUS stumbles out of the corner, and into the arms of Axel, who somehow takes him over with an overhead belly-to-belly throw! COLE Axel using the hit-and-run style we talked about earlier, he’s striking quickly, and using his background to keep on the offensive. COACH He’d want to stay on JINGUS though, he’s taking a rest at the moment, but you can’t afford to do that! Axel brings the big man to his feet, hitting two solid forearms, before trying an Irish Whip. This proves to be a mistake, as JINGUS reverses it straight away, sending Axel into the ropes, and hitting a sidewalk slam! COACH I told you! CABOOSE Wow, you’re right one time. What do you want, a cookie? Cover by Jingys! ONE… TWO-NO! Axel kicks out again, with the Devilman on the attack straight away, hitting Axel with repeat blows to the temple, before lifting him to his feet, and grabbing the former champion in a double arm choke, and throwing him halfway across the ring! Axel tries to use the ropes to get up, but JINGUS is right there to continue the beating. JINGUS lays vicious boots into the former champion, to the point where the referee has to intervene, as Axel is in the ropes. JINGUS brings Axel to his feet, and applies the DREADED BEARHUG~! COLE Axel is going to have to fight to get out of this! The referee asks Axel if he wants to give up, and gets a resounding no. JINGUS applies the bearhug tighter, with the crowd supporting Axel, and starting a slow clap to get him out of the hold. Axel with an elbow to the side of JINGUS’ head, a second, and a third which breaks the hold. Axel runs to the ropes, tries a diving crossbody, but JINGUS catches the former champ in mid-air, and throws him to the mat with a Fallaway Slam! COACH Axel thought he had the advantage, but you never have the advantage against JINGUS! JINGUS picks Axel up and to his feet, and after a blow to the face, whips him to the ropes. JINGUS tries a big boot, Axel avoids the blow, JINGUS turns around, Axel goes for a jumping martial arts roundhouse kick, but JINGUS avoids, and grabs Axel by the head, ready for a Clawslam!!! COLE He’s going for the CLAWSLAM! JINGUS lifts Axel by the head, but Axel fights out of it and ducks behind the Devilman, grabbing him in a waistlock and sending him over for a German Suplex to the delight of the crowd! CABOOSE Another powerful suplex! JINGUS is up somewhat quickly, but Axel meets him, and takes him back to the ground with a nice snapmare. Axel measures JINGUS, as if he is going to kick him in the back of the head, but his foot sails over the big man, faking the kick. Axel takes a couple of steps forward, and just when the Devilman think’s he’s out of trouble, Axel snaps a kick back, dismantling the face of JINGUS! With the big man on his back, Axel goes for a cover… ONE… TWOOOOOOOONO! JINGUS gets a shoulder up! COLE Axel with the fake kick, and then a nasty kick to the face of the Devilman! And he’s on the attack yet again! Axel with hard forearms, not letting up on JINGUS now! Axel has JINGUS against the ropes, and is peppering him with stiff right and left forearms again, before bringing him out of the corner, whipping the big man across the ring, but holding onto his arm and whipping JINGUS back to Axel… ..SPIIIIIINNNEEEEBBUSSSTTAAAHHHH~!~! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” COLE Axel is fired up! Axel strikes the Crucifix Pose, telling the crowd that this match is about to be over! CABOOSE How’s he going to finish the big man off? Axel picks JINGUS up and gets him in a front face lock, trying for a suplex. But the big man blocks the attempt, and a second, before landing a solid blow to the stomach, and readying Axel for a Clawslam again! JINGUS lifts Axel high in the air for a Clawslam, but the former champ lands a blow to the side of the big man’s head, causing him to fall off balance and drop Axel in the Clawslam, rather than getting all of the impact he needed. COLE Smart by Axel on that exchange, he took the Clawslam, but JINGUS didn’t get all of it! JINGUS, angry about not getting to destroy Axel’s head like a little bug, grabs the former champion and tries to get him up for the Burning Hammer, a move that Axel knows all too well. Axel has this move scouted, countering by slipping down JINGUS’ back! COACH Wow, that was close! JINGUS turns around, boot to the midsection by Axel, front face lock, and he finally gets JINGUS in the air! COLE POWER! CABOOSE STRENGTH! Axel holds JINGUS in the air for a couple of seconds… ..Before dropping him with a BRAINBUSSSSTTTAAH~! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!” COLE Axel just dropped JINGUS on his head! Axel comes off of the ropes, and drops a VICIOUS~! Knee to the head of JINGUS! CABOOSE That knee squashed JINGUS’ head! Axel then gets in the dominant position, and starts teeing off on the big man’s temple! Lefts, rights, just brutal blows to the head of the Devilman! COLE Axel is going for the K-O! JINGUS’ arms are locked under Axel, so he can’t fight back! Axel keeps going, he just keeps hitting JINGUS over and over again, his knuckles grazed from the blows! The referee CALLS FOR THE BELL! *DING DING DING* “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” COLE The referee has stopped this match! Axel stops hitting the Devilman when he hears the bell, jumps up and shouts in elation at the win. He strikes the Crucifix Pose to the crowd, who respond with a huge ovation as “I’m on a High” starts blaring over the loudspeakers. BUFFER Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, by stoppage, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAXXXEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! CABOOSE Axel just showed a side of himself that we haven’t seen before! JINGUS is out! He just wouldn’t stop with those blows! He’s the OAOAST’s Most Dangerous Man! COACH He-he just wouldn’t stop! He was in some sort of zone there guys, he just kept hitting JINGUS, and hitting JINGUS, we’ve never seen anyone tee off on the Devilman like that before! COLE This can only be bad news for the Champion! That combination of the Brainbuster and the knee to the head, that’s what did it guys. The blows were just a horrible, violent afterthought. Axel could have gotten the three count after the knee, but he didn’t want it. He was after something more, he wanted to prove something. And he sure as hell proved to me that he hasn’t lost any ability, in fact, I think he looks in better shape than ever! Axel celebrates with the crowd, as JINGUS is helped out of the ring. Axel spots a camera in the ring, walks over to it, and speaks directly at the audience. AXEL STEPHEN JOSEPH, THAT WAS FOR YOU! YOUR TIME IS COMING! COLE Axel with some choice words for the champion! God save your soul, champ! God save all our souls, because the OAOAST will never be the same without Axel back! (FADE OUT)

(RETURN FROM BREAK) Backstage we go, to the Joshmeister! MATTHEWS Josh Matthews here, standing by with the OAOAST Women's Champion Ashley Street. First of all Ashley, congratulations on your victory in the Torneo Cibernetica this past Sunday night. By virtue of winning that match, you earned the right to be exempt from defending your title for the remainder of the year. So, what now for you? Well earned holiday? ASHLEY Not quite. I earned the right not to defend this title. But, I've never been one to rest on my laurels. I'd be stupid not to take advantage of my win. Not defending the title for a month? Well, I have one match I desperately want. I got my hands, finally, on The Benefactor in the Cibernetica. But what I want is clarity. I want to know who it is. If I have to offer the Title to do that, then I will. What I propose...is this. My Title...versus, your Mask. If you've got the guts, Ms Benefactor...then I've got the guts. This is the only way you'll have a shot of getting this belt off me before next year. So...take it, or leave it. Ashley, short but to the point, is done. But Josh Matthews isn't, as as soon as Ashley storms off, Josh Matthews is grabbed around the shoulders and wheeled around...by Serena Blackmore. BLACKMORE What? Nothin' to say to me? MATTHEWS Wha...well, uh...uh... BLACKMORE That's what I expected. Nothing. Nobody has anything to say to Serena Blackmore. That's the way it's been my whole life. Little Serena. The brat who's taking all her parents' money from their pockets and food from their table. The waste of space. The kid who's left out. I grew up in Philidelphia Josh, I know what it's like for no-one to give a *bleep* about you. You'd think I'd be used to it now, huh? Huh? MATTHEWS Well, uh... BLACKMORE GUESS AGAIN! Where was my spot in the Cibernetica? Nowhere. Once again, I go without. And I'm SICK of it!! Somebody's gonna pay. Somebody's gonna pay bad! On the streets in Philly, if you don't TAKE...you don't GET! Well, guess what Joshy. I'm about...to TAKE! Serena storms off, leaving J.Math a rather bemused and flustered individual. (BACK TO THE SC) COLE I'm sure what Serena means is that she's going to take time out and head to the OAOAST online store to buy some of the latest goodies! Like the special edition "Two's Company:Best of the OAOAST Tag Teams" DVD, featuring fourteen unclipped matches and candid interviews with GPX, Black T, Chicks Over Dicks, TNT, The Heavenly Rockers, The Dream Machines and more.

Cuz it's tha first of the month!

(RETURN FROM BREAK) The lights go down in the arena. A Puerto Rican flag appears on the AngleTron. The crowd starts booing. In big, white blocky letters the following words appear on the screen, with Tha Puerto Rican saying them: *THE CHAMP IS HERE!* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and “Know Your Role ‘99” begins playing while the crowd stands up and boos loudly. PR is heard saying, “THE CHAMP IS HERE!” throughout the song, while smoke fills up the entryway and the lights flicker on and off in the entrance. After a few seconds, the entrance doors slide open, and through the smoke come “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican with The Lightning Crew behind him. The crowd greets The LC with loud boos. PR looks at the crowd in disgust, carrying his custom made spinner 24/7 Championship belt in his left hand. PRL doesn’t spin the belt plate. Instead, he looks at the crowd with a cocky smirk on his face, looks at The Lightning Crew, and starts walking down the entrance ramp as “Know Your Role ‘99” continues playing. COLE These fans are responding differently to Tha Puerto Rican than they did last Sunday. COACH These fans are pissed off at PRL for his actions at November Reign. PRL was *this close* to finally becoming a fan favorite, and he threw it all away to align himself with Stephen Joseph again! PRL jaws with some fans as he continues his walk to the ring. CABOOSE Last Sunday night was such a tragedy. What a sad, sad day for the OAOAST. Tha Puerto Rican can do so much better. I know he can. But instead, he chose to continue drinking Popick’s Kool-Aid and continue being a Corporate ass-kissing Champion. Oh, what a terrible day last Sunday was. Tha Puerto Rican gets on the ring apron. He sneers at the crowd. Vitamin X holds the ropes open for Tha Puerto Rican. PRL enters the ring. He spins around; soaking in the fans boos. He does the HBK-muscle pose, but pyro doesn’t go off. Instead, Tha Puerto Rican simply gets up and calls for a microphone. COLE PRL isn’t scheduled for a match tonight, so I guess the only reason he’s out here is to explain why he shook Stephen Joseph’s hand at November Reign. CABOOSE It better be a damn good reason. The lights go back in the arena. The Lightning Crew stands in the ring, looking all menacingly and what not. PRL grabs a microphone and paces around the ring, still holding his 24/7 Title belt. “THE CORPORATE CHAMPION” THA PUERTO RICAN Cut the damn music! “Know Your Role ‘99” dies down. The crowd starts booing again. PRL just stands there with a cocky smile on his face. PRL is in his wrestling gear by the way. COLE Every fan in this arena is booing the hell out of Tha Puerto Rican. COACH And to think just last Sunday, PRL was one of the most popular wrestlers in the OAOAST. CABOOSE It’s a damn shame. Such a shame. The crowd starts chanting “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” The Lightning Crew starts laughing, evilly. PRL starts to speak, but instead lets the crowd continue booing. After a few more seconds, he finally speaks. THA PUERTO RICAN Why, P.R., Why? Why, P.R., Why? Ever since Sunday night, that is the one question people have asked me. Ever since Sunday night, my phone has been ringing off the hook with people and the message has been clear. “Why P.R.? Why would you shake Stephen Joseph Popick’s hand?” “Why would you want to continue your alliance with the Most Hated Man In The OAOAST?” “Why would you go back to your old ways when the fans were finally starting to like you?” Well, I’ll tell you why. The reason I did what I did last Sunday at November Reign was not because I WANTED to. Believe me, I wanted to slap the taste out of Popick’s mouth after our match. Oh no. Tha Puerto Rican did what he did because I HAD to. COLE Had to? What’s he talking about? PRL You see, if I did what I WANTED to, and that is slap Popick in the face and go on my own, then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere. The OAOAST has a grudge against Tha Puerto Rican. The OAOAST HATES Tha Puerto Rican. And frankly, I’m not surprised. Since I am the most electrifying man in professional wrestling, I will have my share of resentment and jealously. Now normally, I wouldn’t mind the hatred and jealously, infact, I would relish in it. But that hatred and jealously has prevented me from getting what I deserve. And that is, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title. There was a reason I never got a World Title shot until Popick won the belt. And it was because the OAOAST hates Tha Puerto Rican and the suits that control this company don’t want to see Tha Puerto Rican wear the OAOAST World Title around his waist. But thanks to Stephen Joseph, thanks to Popick, I got my title shot. I GOT what I DESERVED! And I lost. Twice. Infact. But it’s okay. I finally got a shot and that’s all that matters. PRL stops to let the crowd boo. PRL (CONT’D) So, as I was making my decision in the ring last Sunday, I realized something. As long as I stick with Stephen Joseph, I will continue to get World Title shots because Popick is loyal to me, and he knows I deserve them. I know that if I were to stick with Popick, I would get another World Title shot someday, where as if I were to go on my own, I wouldn’t get a World Title shot until I’m 54. When you look at it that way, you can understand why I looked Stephen Joseph straight in the eye last Sunday and slapped his hand. Tha Puerto Rican did what he had to do in order to continue getting World Title shots. And Tha Puerto Rican will continue getting World Title shots until the day when FINALLY I become the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! CABOOSE Oh PRL. Popick’s lying. Don’t you see that? He won’t be giving you any more title shots because he knows that you can beat him! Popick’s a dirty, lying rat! THA PUERTO RICAN Now, I’m sure some of you think I’m just drinking Popick’s Kool-Aid. That Popick is lying and that his word doesn’t mean a damn thing. Well, I’m sure you people will believe such nonsense and buy into such obvious B.S. since you are all IDIOTS! CROWD BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! PRL Besides, did you really think I LIKED being cheered by you people? Oh yeah, don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you people have reacted to me in the past few weeks. You people have treated me like crap since the day I came into the OAOAST, and then, just because you all of a sudden started chanting “P.R.!” without adding, “SUCKS!” at the end of it, you expect me to do a 180 and start LIKING you people? For two years, FOR TWO YEARS, I’ve come out here, made a living laying the smackdown on anybody who came in my way. For TWO YEARS I’ve been, without a shadow of a doubt, the best damn wrestler in the OAOAST. For TWO YEARS, I’ve been the most electrifying man in professional wrestling. And yet, what was the reception I got out here? “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” The crowd cheers at the mention of their favorite chant. PRL DIE, P.R., DIE. Tha Puerto Rican never EVER forgot about that. And I’m gonna make it damn sure that you NEVER EVER forget it as well. Four weeks of cheering me does not make up for TWO YEARS OF BOOING ME YOU PIECES OF TRAILER PARK TRASH! CROWD BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! PRL Now… “P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS! P.R. SUCKS!” PRL That’s exactly what I’m talking about! Now, you pieces of trailer park trash have to accept the fact that Tha Puerto Rican is STILL the One And Only AngleSault Thread Twenty-Four/Seven Champion, and will continue to be the 24/7 Champion FOREVER! There is nobody in this entire organization that can stop me! I have beaten everybody that’s challenged me for this belt! And I will continue to beat anyone who challenges me for this PRESTIGIOUS belt! Tha Puerto Rican will continue to step into the Corporate ring, raise the Corporate Eyebrow, give you the Corporate Nightmare, plant you with the Corporate Smackdown, and will continue to lay the smackdown on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in professional wrestling, the IntenseZone Elbow! And if you object to this, you can step right up and kiss my CORPORATE ass! Tha Puerto Rican raises his spinner 24/7 Championship belt over his head. PRL (CONT’D) “The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican is the best damn 24/7 Champion in history! There is nobody who can stop me! NOBODY! ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! Tha Puerto Rican will be the 24/7 Champion FOREVER! You hear that? FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER! FOREVER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! *Give me fuel Give me fire Give me that which I desire!* “Fuel” by Metallica starts playing. The Lightning Crew all turn their attention to the entrance. The crowd starts cheering. The entrance doors slide open, and John “Rock Hard” Brickston walks out, receiving a pop from the crowd! COLE What the hell? John “Rock Hard” Brickston! It’s John “Rock Hard” Brickston! What he is doing out here? COACH He’s probably had enough of PRL’s talking! He’s not alone! Brickston stands on the entrance stage with a microphone in his right hand. He has an angry look on his face. The Lightning Crew are puzzled as to why he’s out here. “Fuel” by Metallica dies down. JOHN “ROCK HARD” BRICKSTON PRL, the fact that you are willing to sell your soul to the devil himself for a World Title shot is disgusting! The crowd cheers. BRICKSTON But not as disgusting as you claiming that you will be the 24/7 Champion forever! Let’s not forget, we still have an issue to settle! And there’s still the issue of getting the 24/7 Title out from your hands! PRL So what you’re saying is that you’re challenging me to another match for the 24/7 Title! Sure. I accept. I’ve beaten you twice before. I’ve proven to the world that you’re a choke artist, Brickston. You don’t scare me. I’ll beat you a third time! BRICKSTON No. It’s not me that’s coming after your 24/7 Title. Oh no, it’s another former member of The Lightning Crew that wants a shot at your belt. Perhaps you’ve heard of him. “Krokodilamadurinn” by Quarashi starts playing. The entrance doors slide open, and Spanish Fly steps out, wearing a Spanish Fly T-shirt and his wrestling tights. He also has a microphone in his right hand. The crowd cheers. COACH Spanish Fly? He already had a shot at the 24/7 Title. CABOOSE And he lost too. Fair and square, I might add. Fly glares angrily at PRL. PRL and The Lightning Crew start laughing. PRL motions to Vitamin X, “Can you believe this?” “Krokodilamadurinn” by Quarashi dies down. PRL wipes tears from his eyes. PRL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man! Oh man! You—you can’t be serious. You gotta be kidding me. I mean, SPANISH FLY? I have a better shot at losing to The Gobbledygooker than I do to Spanish Fly! Besides, I’ve already beaten you at World Without End. What? You need another reason to feel embarrassed about yourself? Because I’ll gladly humiliate you again, little man. Just name the time and the place. SPANISH FLY No, it’s not me PR. There’s someone else who wants to fight you for the 24/7 Title. PRL Well who? Just go ahead and spit it out, bitch! SPANISH FLY Well, okay. But just so you know, the person who wants to be the next challenger to your 24/7 Title is a friend of mine. He’s a former member of The Lightning Crew. AND he’s your FORMER BEST FRIEND! Tha Puerto Rican’s eyes widen. The crowd starts cheering. COLE Uh-oh. I think I know who it is. Piano music starts playing. The lights go down, flickering on every few seconds in tune with the music. *COME ON!* “What’s My Name” by DMX starts playing causing the crowd to cheer. PRL paces back and forth nervously inside the ring. The entrance doors slide open, and through the smoke appears Tha Puerto Rican’s former best friend…COLOMBIAN HEAT. COLE It’s Colombian Heat! We haven’t seen Heat in over a year! Heat looks pretty much the way he looked when we last saw him, except he has a goatee. Colombian Heat looks at the crowd, and then walks down the entrance ramp, with a serious look on his face. Heat is wearing a black bandana with the knot on the front, a gold chain, an orange T-shirt with a yellow basketball jersey over it, orange basketball shorts, and black Reeboks. COLE I can’t believe it! The last time we saw Colombian Heat he was knocked out after getting hit in the head with a lead pipe from Stephen Joseph. Now 19 months later, he returns, and he’s gunning for Tha Puerto Rican! CABOOSE That lead pipe must have hurt Heat really bad if he was gone for 19 months. Heh heh heh. COACH Look at PRL. He’s shocked! He thought he would never see Colombian Heat again, and yet here he is, live on HeldDOWN~!. Colombian Heat enters the ring. The crowd is still cheering. Colombian Heat shoves The Lightning Crew aside and walks right up to Tha Puerto Rican. The two men engage in a staredown. PRL nervous, and Colombian Heat pissed. The lights go back on in the arena. COACH Isn’t it funny that someone named COLOMBIAN Heat is getting cheered in Madrid, SPAIN? COLE Only in the OAOAST, folks. Colombian Heat doesn’t take his eyes off Tha Puerto Rican. “What’s My Name” by DMX dies down. PRL is still stunned, unable to speak. The crowd starts chanting “HEAT! HEAT! HEAT! HEAT!” COLE It looks like PRL has just seen a ghost! Tha Puerto Rican finally puts the microphone to his lips. Colombian Heat is STILL glaring at PRL. John “Rock Hard” Brickston and Spanish Fly have left, by the way. PRL ….Uh….um…uh…H—Heat. Heat! Welcome back buddy! PRL puts his right hand out for Heat to shake. Heat just stares at PRL’s hand IN ANGER~! The crowd boos. Tha Puerto Rican smiles a wide smile. PRL Uh, it sure is great to see you again! Man, I haven’t seen you in…ages. Sorry, I haven’t talked to you. I thought you had retired, so I didn’t want to bother you. But dude! You’re here! And I’m here! We can be friends again! Just like old times! Look. Listen, I know that we’ve had quite a few battles in the past. But the past is the past. Let’s bury the hatchet, huh? We’re both a little older, and a little wiser. Surely, we can see that there’s no reason for you to come all the way out here to Madrid, Spain to challenge me to a match for the 24/7 Title. Am I right? Colombian Heat stares at Tha Puerto Rican. PRL See Heat. We can work together again. With my vision, charisma and your talent, together we can make The Lightning Crew the greatest stable of all time! With our abilities combined, we can make The Lightning Crew the most feared stable in wrestling. Together as…friends, we can we can dominate the OAOAST! Colombian Heat, let by gones be by gones. You’re still my friend, my amigo, my homie. My jive soul brotha~! You’re a genuine human being. I find you to be…a, well, swell guy. Um, all right, I mean, Colombian Heat, you’re my brother, and…and I love you, man! So, let’s start this new era of dominance, together. As partners, as friends…as brothers. And brothers don’t shake hands, brothers hug! Tha Puerto Rican very slowly and awkwardly hugs Colombian Heat. The crowd boos. Colombian Heat just stands there and takes the hug. The Lightning Crew all smile and say “AWWW!” CABOOSE This is a Hallmark Moment. A friendship is back again! I feel like I’m gonna cry! Colombian Heat shoves Tha Puerto Rican off of him! The crowd and PRL are shocked. Colombian Heat starts speaking. COLOMBIAN HEAT You must still think I’m an idiot, don’t you? YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HEAT Aiyo, I don’t know why you guys still follow PRL around, but the junk you feed them, doesn’t work on me! COLE I guess that answers that question. HEAT You know, even though I haven’t been around in, what seems like forever, I’ve still been following the OAOAST. When I found out you went to jail, I was ecstatic. I did cartwheels all over my house. Then you were released, even though you should have been in jail for life. Then you go ahead and beat Panther in a Steel Cage Match at AngleMania IV, and then for no reason whatsoever, you are given the 24/7 Title by Stephen Joseph. The crowd boos. PRL smiles evilly and points to his belt. HEAT And then, to make things worst, you become the longest reigning 24/7 Champion in OAOAST history. Not because you worked hard, but because you cheat. You cheated to beat John Brickston twice. You cheated to beat Otaku. And then, something happened. YOU were the one that was getting screwed. Suddenly, you were the victim as Stephen Joseph Popick cheated to beat you not once, but twice. Then, when I think you are finally going to change your attitude. When I think that you are going to turn over a new leaf, you go ahead and decide to stick with the man who screwed you over twice! You say you're a little wiser? That's a bunch of crap, son! Somehow I’m not surprised that you decided to let Popick continue treating you like his bitch! PRL is offended by that comment. CABOOOSE Okay, Colombian Heat gets points for that remark. COLOMBIAN HEAT So, I got a phone call from Spanish Fly asking me if I wanted to join the OAOAST again. I accepted without hesitation, and I accepted for one reason only. And it’s not because I want to be a main eventer, and it’s not because I want to be World Champion. And it’s not because I want to have sex with all of the women in the OAOAST even though that would be a nice bonus. It’s because I want to fight YOU. And I want to take your 24/7 Championship away from you once and for all! COLE Colombian Heat has laid down the challenge! Will PRL accept it? HEAT I still haven’t forgotten that the last time we fought, your boy Stephen Joseph hit me over the head with a lead pipe. Which means, you needed help to beat me. So, what’dya say, you, The Corporate Champ, step up to the plate and put your 24/7 Title on the line in a match against me, The Latino Superman, El Latino Superstar, El Pimp Colombiano, Colombian Heat and prove to me that you can beat me cleanly? How about it? PRL thinks this over. The crowd cheers. COACH Is he going to accept? HEAT What? You scared? You scurred? You ain’t got the cajones to face me? You afraid of Colombian Heat? Come on Corporate Champ? You’re “The Corporate Champion”! What you afraid of? PRL First of all, somebody ought to teach you how to speak proper English. Second of all, you just came back to the OAOAST. You expect me to just give you a title shot right away? You can’t just waltz right in and say you want a title shot. You have to EARN it. Just like I EARNED the 24/7 Title! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Colombian Heat rolls his eyes. PRL So Heat, I’m afraid the answer is no. No. No. Nope. Absolutely not. No. No. No, no, no. Uh-uh! Not gonna happen! No. No. No. No. NO! Now, if you don’t want to renew our friendship, can you please step off to the side and let The Lightning Crew leave the ring, before I have to put my Corporate Foot up your candy ass! PRL starts to leave…but Colombian Heat blocks him from leaving. PRL tries to leave again, but Heat refuses to let him leave. The crowd cheers. PRL tries again. Heat won’t let him go. COLOMBIAN HEAT I says I ain’t leavin’ until I get my title shot! PRL And I "says" you ain’t getting any, you juvenile delinquent! Now please MOVE BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY! PRL tries to leave again. Colombian Heat blocks his way. PRL tries AGAIN. Heat blocks him again. COLOMBIAN HEAT Yo! Where’s my title shot? PRL LISTEN HERE, YOU EBONICS SPEWING ASSHO— Colombian Heat SLAPS the microphone from Tha Puerto Rican’s hand! COACH I’ve been waiting for somebody to do that for years! CABOOSE How rude of Heat! Didn’t anyone teach him some manners? Tha Puerto Rican looks at the microphone and then looks at Heat. The crowd starts buzzing in anticipation of a fight breaking out. PRL stares at the angry Heat. He then smiles and turns around. His smile fades, and he turns around, and hits Colombian Heat in the face! BUT WAIT! Colombian Heat BLOCKS THE PUNCH! POW~! Colombian Heat blasts PRL in the head with a right jab! PRL goes down! Vitamin X goes for a shot, but Colombian Heat knocks him down! Punch for Mr. Boricua! Punch for Cuban Wall! Punch for Tha Puerto Rican! Punch for Vitamin X! Again! COLE Colombian Heat is going wild on The Lightning Crew and the crowd loves it! Indeed, Heat knocks Vitamin X to the mat. Colombian Heat punches Cuban Wall, and then clotheslines him over the top rope and onto the floor! Heat knocks Mr. Boricua onto a turnbuckle. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez leaves the ring with Tha Puerto Rican and Thomas Rodriguez follows them…but gets grabbed from behind by Colombian Heat! COLE There’s trouble ahead for Thomas Rodriguez! CABOOSE Oh no. Don’t pick on the referee! He’s a pussy! Thomas Rodriguez begs for mercy. The crowd cheers Colombian Heat to attack him. Heat obliges with a smile on his face. He turns Thomas around, grabs him from behind, and lifts him up in the air…dropping him onto the mat with the Vertebreaker! COLE The Colombian Necktie! We haven’t seen that move in over a year! COACH Colombian Heat is back in the OAOAST! CABOOSE And I’m going to throw up! Thomas Rodriguez lies in the center of the ring out cold. Colombian Heat gets up and hypes the crowd up with a smile on his face. The Lightning Crew walks up the entrance ramp, holding their heads in pain. Colombian Heat and PRL lock eyes. The crowd is still cheering wildly as Heat grabs his microphone. HEAT Aiyo, P.R. This right herre (points to Thomas) will be you when we have our match. So, the sooner you give me a title shot, and the sooner you can suffer a Colombian Necktie and get it over with. Trust me, you can only suffer the Colombian Necktie once if you just give me a title shot right now. PRL HELL NO! COLOMBIAN HEAT Well then, there’s no telling how many more Colombian Neckties I’m going to have to give you and your friends. Because I won’t stop until I get my title shot and UNTIL I BECOME THE OAOAST 24/7 CHAMPION! “What’s My Name?” starts playing. Colombian Heat stays in the ring to pose for the fans. Heat makes the Colombian Necktie signal (putting his hands around his neck in a choking pose). He does the pose in PRL’s direction and then points at him. PRL points back. COLE What a return for Colombian Heat! He’s been gone for 19 months, but it’s like he never left! CABOOSE I can’t believe Colombian Heat expects to receive a title shot right now. That’s absolutely preposterous! He has to pay his dues before he gets a title shot. COACH Did PRL pay his dues to become 24/7 Champion? COLE Guys, lets not open a can of worms here. Let’s instead concentrate on the fact that Colombian Heat, Tha Puerto Rican’s FORMER best friend, has returned to the OAOAST and is targeting Tha Puerto Rican and his 24/7 Title. Will PRL ever grant Heat a title shot? CABOOSE He won’t. Heat isn’t worthy of a title shot. COACH I don’t know Caboose. After what he has just done to The Lightning Crew, I think he is. CABOOSE That is why I’m the better announcer than you. COACH Why? COLE More HeldDOWN~! after this! Tha Puerto Rican is still jawing at Colombian Heat. Heat makes the Colombian Necktie signal to the camera. Colombian Heat then poses on the turnbuckles. He then gets off the turnbuckle, and hypes the crowd in the ring. “What’s My Name?” by DMX continues playing. (COMMERICAL BREAK) COLE Here we go with more great action! "Stars & Stripes Forever" begins playing, but instead of the warm reception it customary receives once the music hits in the States, its met with venom by the Spanish crowd. The hostility intensifies as the All-American Boys appear onstage proudly waving Old Glory. Uncle Sam's favorite tag team keep their heads held high as they avoid plastic bottles and other debris thrown at them on their way to the ring. CABOOSE Never have I seen the All-American Boys treated like this before. These men are heroes back home. COLE As they've quickly found out, they're not at home tonight. COACH They must've found out the All-American Boys voted for Bush in the last presidential election. Heh. BUFFER The following contest is set for one fall with a 15 minute time limit. Introducing first. From the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave... "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" BUFFER (CONT'D) ...the ALL-AMERICAN BOYS! All-American Boy # 1 grabs the microphone from Michael Buffer. AAB 1 Show some respect to the United States of America, the greatest country in the world, you European cowards, and rise for the singing of OUR National Anthem. COACH Oh, my God, yes! They're gonna play it heel! CABOOSE John Cena, take note. This is how you handle a hostile crowd. SPLIT-SCREEN: Sofa Central on the left side, live action on the right. COACH Stand up, fellas. Let's show these commies who rules the school. CABOOSE Well, my legs are starting to fall asleep... Triple C stand up. We cut to a wide shot of the ring. All-American Boy # 2 holds Old Glory in an upright position as both AABs place their right hands over their hearts. AAB # 1 (singing) Oh, say can you see... "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" AAB # 1 (CONT'D) ...by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright star-- * TING * "YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The crowd cheers as All-American Boy # 1's singing of the "Star-Spangled Banner" is cut off by Henry Mancini's "Pink Panther theme." Cult favorites Los Diablos de Fuego are given a rousing ovation as they dance onto the stage in their bright pink attire, bumping against the guardrails and thus with the fans on their way to the squared circle. BUFFER And their opponents. The sexiest tag team in all of Mexico, Moracca and Mariachi -- LOS DIABLOS DE FUEGO! COACH The reaction these fans are giving Los Diablos de Fuego show how morally bankrupt Europe is. And you know what the sad thing is? They're popularity will likely skyrocket now that they're running around with Alix Spezia. One of my sources told me Alix threw a fit in a nightclub she and Los Diablos attended here in Spain because she couldn't pick up a guy. They are all mobbing Moracca and Mariachi. She was too stupid to figure out she wasn't in just any club, but a very special club, if ya know what I mean. COLE Los Diablos de Fuego have developed quite a bond in recent weeks with Alix Spezia of the duo Chicks Over Dicks. A brother/sister type of relationship, or maybe sister/sister depending on the way you look at it. COACH Heh. When people say they suck, they literally mean they suck. COLE The last time we saw the 3 of them together, they were assaulted in the parking lot by The GPX. Moracca and Mariachi haven't forgotten about that. They've issued a challenge to Scotty Static and Johnny Jax. OAOAST officials are in the process of getting a contract signed for that match, and what a match it would be. But tonight Los Diablos de Fuego have to worry about the All-American Boys, former KABOOM tag team champions. Moracca leaps from the apron onto the top rope and BACKFLIPS into the ring. He waits in the corner and catches Mariachi coming off the top with a backflip of his own. Now in a tombstone piledriver position, Mariachi shifts his weight back and gets Moracca in a tombstone position. They each counter the other's grip until they've reached their corner. (It may not make sense in writing, but it's sexually suggestive!) COLE, COACH & CABOOSE ... CABOOSE I understand you're very familar with that position, Cole. COACH COLE What a great matchup this should be, huh, guys? Only the second time we've seen Los Diablos in action. They look for their first win in the OAOAST after losing their match to the Love Doctors at World Without End. A very hard fought match for the HI-YAH International Tag Team Title. There were a number of occasions where it looked like they might pull off the big upset. The AABs stick Old Glory in the corner and slaute her, while Los Diablos remove their sombreros and ponchos. The fans rise to their feet as Nick Patrick flicks his right hand to the timekeeper, signaling for the bell. * DING DING * We quickly find out why the fans rose to their feet as the SOUTH CENTRAL MILITIA hit the ring and go after both teams. The crowd cheer Marcellus "One-Eye" Wallace and Vincent Santana when they level the All-American Boys with a pair of clotheslines, but boo when they shove Los Diablos into the corner and unleash a fury of punches and kicks. Like the United States would for a friend in need, the All-American Boys come to the aid of Los Diablos, pulling the SCM off Los Diablos and rocking them with American made right hands. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" COLE Hey, come on! We don't need this. COACH The fans don't like the South Central Militia, but they hate the All-American Boys even more. And I always thought Canada was bizzaro-world. COLE The All-American Boys taking to the SCM. Los Diablos return the help from the All-American Boys by fleeing backstage! The AABs whip the SCM to the ropes, as do they. Off the near side come the AABs. Vincent drills one of the AABs with a KICK to the face as the All-American attempted a cross bodyblock! The other AAB doesn't have any better success, missing a clothesline and getting SPEARED by One-Eye on the rebound while Santana nails him with the FLYING FOREARM SMASH to the head! JAILBREAK! One-Eye calls for a mic. COLE Good luck trying, pal. They aren't scheduled for an interview so they won't be getting any mic time. When One-Eye doesn't get a mic, he begins threaten officials ringside. COACH I don't care if they're scheduled or not. I don't like the looks on their faces. Somebody get them a damn mic! Buffer hands One-Eye a mic while keeping his distance. ONE-EYE Synth, Logan -- I hope you pop idol bitches are watchin' because I got a little somethin'-somethin' to say. You're makin' things harder on yourselves. Ya see, me and Vinny, we got a business to run. And with no money is no business. Get what I'm sayin'? We got expensives to pay. Brassknucks, duct tape, blindfolds, the whole shebang. That shit costs money. And money you cost us all right. You cost us a good chunk of change at the pay-per-view. Some might say we got what we deserved for what we did to you at Thanksgiving HeldDOWN~!, we say it messin' with our business. And in our line of work, when you mess with somebody elses business, you send them a little message. One-Eye drops the mic. He and Vincent exit with smirks on their faces. COLE What did he mean by that? COACH I don't know. But if I'm the Heavenly Rockers, I'd watch my back. You never know with guys as brutal as the SCM. They're thugs. Gangsters. Much like The Coach. Sure I ain't pulling my gat out quite like I used to. But these suckas know not to mess with it. COLE Ugh. Fans, it's time for another break. Please stay tuned. (GO TO BREAK)

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY: NRG Having fun playing beach volleyball on a bright sunny day with bikini-clad beauties is JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA, sporting an NRG bandana, OAOAST tie-dye tank top, and orange shorts. VENTURA Here are testimonals about NRG, the fastest selling supplement and nutritional drink in the world! CUT TO: In # 72 jersey, former Chicago Bear WILLIAM "THE REFRIGRATOR" PERRY, who isn't exactly a poster child for weight loss. On-screen graphic reads: William "The Refrigrator" Perry Pro Football Great William points meancingly to the camera, snarling. THE FRIDGE There's two things I've loved all my life: food and football. Once my playing career was over I knew I had to drop some pounds to stay healthy. I tried everything except gastric-bypass. It wasn't until I discovered NRG that I was able to control my cravings and still enjoy great food, while giving me the extra energy I need to continue doing the things I love. A clip of the Frig sitting on his couch channel-surfing with a bucket of buffalo wings next to him is inserted. THE FRIDGE And if it weren't for NRG, I would have stuffed my face with so many hotdogs and crushed that Japanese chump and brought the Foot-Eating Title back home. Thanks NRG. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! CUT TO: PARIS HILTON and her pet of the week dancing on top of a table at a nightclub. She stops to look into the camera. On-screen graphic: Paris Hilton Socialite/Reality TV Star/Actress/Singer/Dumb Blonde PARIS NRG gives me the energy to live life to the fullest. That's hot. * blows kiss * (looks off-camera) Do I get paid now? DIRECTOR (Off-Screen) You sure do, honey. Here you go. The "Handsome Hustler" NED BLANCHARD walks in. PARIS You're hot. NED I know. CUT TO: New York Yankees 1st baseman/Designated Hitter JASON GIAMBI in an empty ballpark hitting homerun after homerun. The camera zooms up behind him, he looks over his shoulders and directly into the camera. GIAMBI Steroids? No. NRG. He turns back to the mound and slugs another homerun off the automatic pitching machine. VENTURA (Voice-Over) NRG, the fastest selling supplement and nutritional drink in the world! Now available at GNC or your local drugstore. CUT TO: Jesse with Jivin' J.R. on the boardwalk. J.R. I've lost 5 pounds of not only my weight but my, BAH GAWD, intestines as well. I've even dropped 3 bra sizes. J.R. rips open his black longsleeve shirt to reveal a tight bra underneath. J.R. Thank you, NRG! NRG! NR--! * BOOM * Philadelphia Flyers center Peter Forsberg (roller)skates into view and body checks J.R. FORESBERG NRG! William "The Refrigrator" Perry falls on top of J.R. from out of nowhere. THE FRIG GET NRG-GIZED!! (RETURN FROM BREAK) BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a first round match in the tournament to crown OAOAST 6 Man Tag Team Champions! It is scheduled for one fall, with a 30 minute time-limit! "In a world full of posers, phonies, and pure wannabees, there finally emerges a group which has come to set the record straight. so, all you suckers better recognize, ya heard can you say uhhh na na na na..." "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Emerging through the curtains, The Global Party Exchange are in no mood to play games tonight. Still feeling scorned from their loss on Sunday night, The GPX have sours look on their faces as they stomp down the aisle. Their recent running buddy and tag team partner for the night, Jamie O'Hara, follows close behind. He too doesn't look best pleased, what with getting bumped around by the Tag Champions on Sunday also. Tonight, as much the the 6-Man Tag Titles, this is about revenge for The Upstarts. BUFFER Introducing first, team number one. At a total combined weight of five hundred and seventy seven pounds...the team, consisting of JOHNNY JAX and SCOTTY STATIC, THE GLOBAL PARTY EXCHANGE...and "The Birmingham Bad Boy" JAMIE O'HARA! And, they represent... TTHHEEEE UUUUPPSSSSTTAAAAAARRRRRTTSSSSSS!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The Upstarts trio reach the ring, with O'Hara vaulting in over the top rope just to show off his athleticism. Jax and Static make a more conventional entrance and immediately turn to the entrance, waiting, eagerly, for the opponents. COLE The Global Party Exchange have come up short on consecutive Pay Per View events in their quest for the World Tag Team Titles and as a result, their standing in the imaginary OAOAST tag team rankings has plummeted. This tournament may be their biggest shot at a title for some time. COACH They're two-time Tag Team Champions! They'll always be in contention! Suddenly, the drumroll hits, bringing the crowd to their feet. Jax scowls at the overwhelmingly positive reaction, while O'Hara continues to jaw with the ringside fans. After a little dramatic dead time, Leon Rodez finally bursts through the curtains, leading the way for Zack Malibu and of course, Candie. The threesome...or, foursome, if you're counting fetuses...are. in stark contrast to The GPX, beaming from their win at November Reign. Oh, and they're still the Champs. "BEVERLY HILLS, THAT WHERE I WANT TO BE! LIVIN' IN BEVERLY HILLS BEVERLY HILLS, ROLLIN' LIKE A CELEBRITY! LIVIN' IN BEVERLY HILLS" BUFFER And introducing, team number two! First...accompanied to the ring by CANDIE! Hailing from Grand Rapids, Michigan and Providence, Rhode Island respectively...they weigh in at a total combined weight of four hundred, twenty eight pounds. The reigning OAOAST WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... "SILKY SMOOTH" LEON RODEZ... ZACK MALIBU... THE UUSSSSSUUUUAAAAAAALLL SSSSUUUUUSSSSSPPEEEEECCTTSSSSSSS!! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Right on cue, Zack unstraps his title and raises it high over his head. Much to the disgust of The GPX, who look on from the ring with venom in eyes. Until, they disappear, as the arena is shrowded in darkness. Blue lights begin to strobe around the arena as "Oh Hell Yeah" by H-Blocx hits, to a decidedly mixed reaction from the fans, with more than a smattering of boos greeting the Champs' partner. "People think they know me Say I'm wound a little tight Tell me I go lookin' for trouble That I'm always ready for a fight But I'm just an easy goin' guy, not crossin' any line I'm a carin' individual, most of the time. Most of the time Quite a lot of the time. IT'SJUSTTHAT IT'SJUSTTHAT IT'SJUSTTHAT OH HELL YEAH!!" The former X-Division Champion storms out...and the boos hit him again. PK glances out into the people, shaking his head slightly as he makes his way onwards. BUFFER And, their tag team partner! Hailing from Fall River, Massachussets and weighing in at two hundred, sixty five pounds... PPEEEEEEEETTEEEEEERRRRRRR KKNNIIIIIIIGGHHHTTT!!!! Another mixed reaction goes up, as Knight reaches his team. Or, rather, his partner. Leon Rodez has waited in the aisle for PK and slaps hands with an awkward nod, but Zack has already stormed off towards the ring. But PK doesn't seem too offended and gets on with his walk to the ring. Zack enters the ring first...but the trouble is, The GPX are waiting on him. And the moment Zack steps into the ring, Jax and Static pounce on him! Candie only just avoids stepping into the ring and following her man, screaming as she quickly scampers back down the ring steps. COLE Oh, come on! The GPX, attacking Zack before the bell can even sound! *DINGDINGDING!* Static and Jax continue to club away on The Franchise as Rodez and Knight finally spot what's going on, charging into the ring. Rodez is quickly pounced on by O'Hara. But Knight is able to get in unscathed and pulls Static away from Zack, pulling him around into a hard right hand Static goes flying, as Knight then grabs hold of the other GPXer by the shoulders and reels him into a right. It's chaos in the ring as Rodez and O'Hara brawl in the corner, while The GPX pulls themselves back to their feet. So does Zack, brushing past Knight and tackling Scott Static out through the ropes to the floor! COLE Woah! COACH (jumping onto chair) Too close, too close! Momentarily surprised, Knight stops. But he soon follows his partner's lead, as he charges Jax and clotheslines him up and over the top rope, all the way out to the floor. And PK goes crashing out with him, his momentum taking him for a tumble over the top also. That leaves just Rodez and O'Hara in the ring, still brawling in the corner. Glancing around, Rodez sees his partners have gone and also sees the ring clear, so grabs O'Hara by the arm and looks to whip him across the ring. O'Hara reverses, but Rodez reverses again sending O'Hara into the turnbuckles. In follows Rodez...but O'Hara gets the boots up! Back staggers The Silky Smooth One as O'Hara leaps to the middle rope, tumbling over Rodez with a sunset flip... 1... 2... Rodez kicks out, rolling through to his feet and catching O'Hara with a basement dropkick flush in the jaw! He follows up with a cover... 1... 2... Two count. Pulling O'Hara up to his feet, Rodez nails a straight kick to the gut. And a second. O'Hara manages to catch a third though...and ducks an Enziguri! Rodez flops onto his front as O'Hara releases the leg he caught, running across Rodez's back on his way into the ropes. Coming back up, Rodez smartly drops down again as O'Hara rushes back. SuperJay leaps over, coming off the opposite ropes as Rodez finally does reach his feet. A leapfrog keeps O'Hara on his way, hitting the ropes once more...only to run right into a BEAUTIFUL, Standing Dropkick! O'Hara lands hard on the back of his neck, while Rodez leaps to his feet and fires up the crowd!! "YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE The confidence is flowing through Leon Rodez here and it's clear to see why! Climbing back up, O'Hara throws a desperate forearm. Rodez ducks it easily though, waiting for him to turn back around... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOO!" ...and connects with a thunderous chop! *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOO!" ...a second! *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOO!" ...and a third! O'Hara is sent rocking back, but Rodez pulls him right back in, landing a knee to the gut. That's followed with another irish whip towards the corner. Planting his hands, O'Hara manages to push himself up and over the instantly charging Leon though, landing behind his opponent with ease. O'Hara gets too caught up with escape though. And as he begins to gloat to his partners, who have returned to the apron by now as have Zack and PK, they frantically tell him to turn around. He does, but not in time to see a big clothesline coming! COLE If there's one fault in these Upstarts, it would definately be their over-confidence. And there's another example right there. They're all too busy posing and crowing after they do something right to finish the job off. CABOOSE And they suck. COLE And they su...HEY! Don't put words in my mouth 'Boose, I'm supposed to be the unbiased one here. CABOOSE You ARE!?! The GPX despair on the apron, as Rodez drags a limp O'Hara back to his feet. He prepares for a next move...but suddenly, he notices Zack Malibu with hand out-stretched, begging for a tag. A wry smile creeps over Rodez's face as he decides to play the crowd, asking if they actually want Zack in? No prizes for guessing that yes, they do. So Rodez grabs O'Hara and leads him to the corner while tagging in Zack. Up goes the pop, as Zack enters and just BRUTALLY punts O'Hara in the ribs!! Zack wastes no time in then snapping O'Hara over with a quick suplex, rolling right into a firm pin... 1... 2... Kickout. COLE Zack has just picked up the intensity a notch here! Indeed he has, as he pulls O'Hara up and just rocks him with a forearm strike! O'Hara stumbles backwards into the ropes, where Zack grabs him and sends him across the ring with an irish whip. Back rebounds O'Hara, right into a roundhouse kick which is aimed expertly at his chest. It connects, knocking O'Hara clear off his feet and turning him INSIDE OUT~!, causing him to belly-flop to the canvas on landing!! "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh, MY! CABOOSE Man, I dunno what's got under Zack's skin, but I likes it! "FUCK HIM UP ZA - ACK, FUCK HIM UP!" *clap clap!* "FUCK HIM UP ZA - ACK, FUCK HIM UP!" *clap clap!* "FUCK HIM UP ZA - ACK, FUCK HIM UP!" *clap clap!* Dragging up a clearly dazed O'Hara, Zack does just that. Jab! Chop! Jab! Chop! Jab! Chop! The series of strikes has O'Hara rocking and reeling on his feet in the centre of the ring, with no defence. Zack has time to measure O'Hara up, before lunging in with one almighty forearm that knocks O'Hara down and stupid. All The GPX can do is look on, as Zack contemplates a cover...but instead, grabs O'Hara limp arm and hauls him off the canvas by it. Jax takes issue with this with the referee. So Zack smirks over, wagging a finger to tell Jax he isn't done yet, before repeating his brutal forearm strike to again knock O'Hara down! COLE This is beginning to get uncomfortable to watch. Jamie O'Hara may be a great high-flier, but he's inexperienced and he's being literally picked apart by the former World Heavyweight Champion here. COACH Don't worry, I'm still confident. It ain't over till it's over guys! Just as Coach speaks though, Zack hits the ropes and drives into O'Hara with a Muta-esque elbow! CABOOSE ...I think it's over. With a handful of vest, Zack drags O'Hara up. Before a brutal chop puts O'Hara down again. Zack finally shows a little mercy though and walks over to the corner, where PK wants the tag. But, for some reason, Zack totally bypasses him and slaps an unsuspecting Rodez on the wrist. Rodez seems confused, but doesn't make a big deal of it and quickly enters the ring. Meanwhile, PK is left to stare at Zack, waiting for an explanation, but not getting one. COACH HA! See! They can't get along! Victory is ours! ...I mean, their's. Upstarts. They. Rodez makes sure O'Hara doesn't make the tag and pulls him to the centre of the ring, landing a forearm. And a second. But Rodez is still distracting by what's going on over in his corner though, allowing O'Hara back into the match with a straight kick to the gut. O'Hara snaps off another couple of quick kicks, before turning to tag in Scotty Stati...NO! Rodez grabs O'Hara by the waist of his loose tracksuit pants. Not loose enough for him to stretch for the tag. But loose enough for Rodez to pull O'Hara back by, into a Northern Lariat (clothesline to the back of the head)! O'Hara spikes into the canvas face-first just for good measure, so Rodez tries a cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Rodez's mind is clearly still elsewhere as he pulls O'Hara up again. *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOO!" A chop sends O'Hara reeling back into the ropes, but he kicks out as Rodez approaches and runs past. Continuing on, O'Hara vaults to the middle rope and moonsaults back towards Rodez. Rodez is waiting though and swats O'Hara away. Now, it's Rodez hitting the ropes...BLIND TAG! Zack is legal now and the referee signals so, just as O'Hara finally takes Rodez down on the run, with a spinwheel kick! O'HARA YEAH! DA'S RIGHT DAWG! JAX TURN..AROUND! Confused, Jamie takes his partner's advice. STO! Zack catches O'Hara turning with an STO, straight into a cover... 1... 2... Just a two! COLE There's that over-confidence again. COACH It's not over-confidence! He's just...boisterous, s'all. Zack pulls O'Hara up again and prepares to put an end to things, as he knees O'Hara in the breadbasket and applies a front facelock. Zack then goes for the leg, setting up for Fisherman's of some sort. Seeing this, Johnny Jax quickly scrambles into the ring. The referee just as quickly scrambles over to stop him getting in. But the distraction is enough to allow Scotty Static to springboard to the top rope out of the ref's line of vision, front flip and wipe Zack out with a Shooting Star Lariat!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Out of the ring goes Jax, making sure Static is out first though of course. Across the ring, Rodez storms in complaining to the referee...while, Knight to be honest doesn't look all that bothered. Rodez is though. And his distraction is now allowing O'Hara to choke Zack with the flat of his boot! "UP - STARTS SUCK!" "UP - STARTS SUCK!" "UP - STARTS SUCK!" "UP - STARTS SUCK!" Once the referee turns around, O'Hara finally tags out to Johnny Jax. In steps Jax, fresh and eager to get involved. A few stomps find the mark before Jax pulls Zack up, draping his throat across the top rope and measuring a punch to the kidneys! Jax follows that up with a back suplex and makes a cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Jax wastes no time in getting back up and tagging Static in. The expert tag team set up some expert tag teamery, as they send Zack off into the ropes and hoist him up for a Midnight Express style Double Flapjack! And while Ned Blanchard and the other guy prepare their lawyers, Static pops back to his feet and piefaces Rodez off the apron! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Rather than lose his temper, Rodez stays on the outside and cools himself off. PK isn't going to strain himself for Zack's honour either, so Jax is forced to leave. Static goes on the attack instead, rolling Zack over. A quick power-stomp slams into Zack's chest. Static then hits the ropes, snapping off a quick lightning legdrop (X-Pac style). Followed quickly by a second, standing legdrop. Pausing as he rolls to his knees, Static thinks over his next move and decides to drag Zack over to Team Upstarts' corner before he can even think of tagging out. Once there, Static does tag out, to Johnny Jax. In steps the other GPX member, he and Static taking an arm each on Zack and hurling him back first into the turnbuckles! The count is being laid on, as they then drag Zack out to arms length...before pulling him back, again into the buckles! Zack collapses to his knees, as Jax turns and taunts the fans gleefully. "LET'S GO ZACK!" "LET'S GO ZACK!" "LET'S GO ZACK!" "LET'S GO ZACK!" Jax pulls Zack out from the corner, scooping and slamming The Franchise of the OAOAST down. After a quick double bicep pose that would make Tony Brannigan quake in his boots with despair and laughter, Jax then follows up with an elbow drop... 1... 2... Kickout! Looking up, Jax glares at the referee, unhappy with the count. COLE Give me a break. You're not going to beat Zack Malibu with an elbowdrop! COACH What if you ran him down in a Hummer, threw him off a bridge, THEN elbowdrop him? COLE I doubt the referee would allow that, Coach. CABOOSE I doubt the state police would allow it either. Jax pulls Zack up and sets him up for a suplex. Lifting Zack up, Jax then takes a detour, dropping him forward and hanging him gut first across the top rope! The referee chastises Jax for his actions. But, Jax shrugs it off and sets Zack right back up for the suplex, taking him back off the ropes and looking for a Slingshot Suplex. Ned Blanchard's finger is going loop on the lawyer dial though. But he needn't worry, as Zack floats over behind, then takes Jax over with a Rhode Island roll-up... 1... 2... Kickout!! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Zack nearly stole it right there! Jax quickly makes up for his momentary mistake, kneeing Zack in the gut as he gets up. He then backs up and prepares to take Zack's head off with a clothesline...but Zack ducks, then catches Jax on the turn with a standing dropkick! Jax goes crashing backwards and smashes his head into the top turnbuckle behind him, knocking himself for a loop. Which allows Zack to scuttle along, lunge for the corner and tag...Leon Rodez, despite PK being closer. "YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH SEE! SEE! COLE I see a tag! And I see Leon Rodez, coming into this match! Knight looks severly pissed now, as Rodez steps into the ring and beats Johnny Jax to the punch as he charges forwards. In comes Scotty Static, but he takes a clothesline. A clothesline from Jax. And a clothesline for Static. Now it's Jamie O'Hara's turn to rush into the ring, but Rodez ducks his head and backdrops O'Hara HIIIIGH~ overhead, sending him crashing back down to earth with a bang! COLE Good Lord, Jamie O'Hara was in the lights off of that backdrop! Turning his attention back to Johnny Jax, Rodez grabs his former running buddy and sends him into the ropes. A backdrop is Jax's punishment as well! Holding up three fingers, Rodez then sets up Scotty Static for a backdrop...but Static grabs onto the top rope as he hits them, managing to stop his momentum. Rodez reacts and charges in. But Static raises a boot, catching Rodez in the jaw. Away stumbles Rodez and Johnny Jax is waiting, grabbing Rodez at the side and setting him for a Side Russian Legsweep. Which is the prompt for Scotty Static to come in with a Yakuza Ki...NO! Rodez tumbles forward and Static misses his mark! Rolling through to his feet, Rodez then lines up The GPX, waiting for them to stand side by side before firing himself forward with a double dropkick, a foot apiece for the party exchangers!! O'Hara is up next and tries to catch Rodez before he can get up. But, he gets a faceful of JAB! JAB! JAB! JAB! JAB! Rodez turns around, blows the kiss...and turns right into a spinkick! The momentum sends Rodez sprawling backwards into his corner, where Peter Knight finally takes matters into his own hands and tags himself in! COLE Well, here comes PK! COACH This outta be good. *knowing laugh* Stepping into the ring, PK glances out into the people and seems almost offended that he should be booed. Jamie O'Hara sees PK entering the ring and backs off, not wanting to go toe to toe with the bigman. Jax and Static don't attack either. Infact, they seem welcoming. A little too welcoming. Big mistake. PK lays out Static with a boot, then catches Jax still in shock with a hard forearm strike. In rushes O'Hara, but PK catches him at the side and drives him into the mat with a brutal sidewalk slam!! The former X-Division Champion pops right back up, catching Jax in his arms and pressing him into the air with a release flapjack, stepping back and allowing Jax to plummet face-first to the canvas!! PK is cleaning house now, as Static takes a big clothesline! COLE Peter Knight is cleaning house here! CABOOSE Well, good. I never had any doubts in him. Still fuming, Knight grabs two handfuls of the first hair he can find...which, so happens, to be Johnny Jax's. And Jax is picked straight up into a fireman's carry by Knight! A mixed reaction goes up as Knight parades Jax around on his shoulders, waiting for the right moment before tossing Jax's feet back and DRIVING him to the mat!! THE KNIGHTMARE CONNECTS!! COLE KNIGHTMARE! Before PK can go for a pinfall though, here comes Scotty Static. But HE goes up on the shoulders too. And comes down in the same way his partner had earlier. Hard. COLE ANOTHER KNIGHTMARE!! PK IS TAKING THEM ALL OUT!! COACH No, no, NO! Static is out. Jax is out. Only O'Hara remains conscious for The Upstarts, but he's certainly not in a good condition himself. Back on the apron, Zack is watching on, as PK turns around and O'Hara suddenly vaults onto his shoulders for a hurricanrana...BLOCKED...POWERBOMB!! O'Hara lands stacked and the crowd are already gasping in shock, even before PK steps through O'Hara's legs as if going for a Sharpshooter and turns The Birmingham Bad Boy over. Pulling on the legs, PK then reaches forward and hooks under O'Hara's arms, hoisting him up into the Ace In The Hole!! The crowd suddenly seem much warmer to PK as he pulls back on O'Hara...and pulls back on O'Hara...and pulls back on O'Hara, bending him into the most back-wrenchingly disgusting position you're likely to see!! "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE GOOD GOD! THE HUMAN BODY ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!!!! The crowd don't believe what they' seeing, as O'Hara, resembling a Stretch Armstrong toy more and more with everything passing second, can take no more and frantically calls for the end! *DINGDINGDING!* With the submission called, PK tosses O'Hara down in disgust and looks around, to see the crowd finally sending some cheers anyway. Perhaps still a little bitter though, he doesn't react to them. Instead, he just stares down at O'Hara. "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" BUFFER Your winners of this match, advancing to the semi finals... ZACK MALIBU... LEON RODEZ... AND PETER KKNNIIIIIIIIGGHHHTT!!! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Entering the ring first, Rodez pats PK on the back...before Zack and PK share a rather awkward handslap of approval. The victors then leave the ring, as Peter Knight's trail of destruction is left in the ring. Jax, out. Static, out. O'Hara, in traction. COLE Peter Knight used the disappointment of his defeat on Sunday night firmly to his advantage, coming in and clearing house once he got in the ring! The Global Party Exchange and Jamie O'Hara, decimated, by the fresh PK. And I tell you what...if PK and the Tag Champs can get their collective heads together, you could be looking at the favourites for the 6 Man Tag Team Titles! COACH *weeps* CABOOSE Wimp. (GO TO BREAK)

(RETURN TO THE SC) When you were here before, couldn't look in your eye You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so FUCKIN' special The greatest fucking rock song of all time, Creep, hits, leading the capacity crowd to shower the arena floor with a plethora of boos. That's just because they can't appreciate a bitchin' song like this mac daddy can. Fuck yeah, Radiohead! Fuck yeah! These twits in the stands continue their unwarranted jeering, but maybe that has something to do with the fellow standing on the entrance stage, Christian Wright. The robed grappler stands stoically underneath a white spotlight, head bowed, pretending to be oblivious to the hatred that surrounds him. COACH Here's the thing with the Upstarts, we have diverse personalities. What on earth does Johnny Jax have in common with Christian Wright or Stephen Joseph with Jamie O'Hara? Nothing. But we accept each other, because we're all devoted to the same cause. Can you all in the Originals say the same? I mean, who's in the Originals anyway? Are you even an official stable? Bowing his head backwards so that his face is awash in the aqua colored glow, Wright flings his hands to the side. Minus Bohemoth, and plus the hatred of several thousand Spaniards he strolls down the entrance way. BUFFER The following contest is non title match for the uh...crap I missed up. Um, now making his way to the ring from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing two hundred and thirty three pounds he is the HI-YA heavyweight champion, representing the Upstarts, THE NATURAL.....CHRISTIAN WRRRRRRIIIIGHT! “BOOOOOO!” Wright casts off his robe, leaving it for some underpayed ringside crew member to deal with. He enters the ring, with a stern expression on his face, and foists his title high into the air for all the jealous gawkers to see. The wordy superstar takes hold of a microphone and prepares to mount his high horse. WRIGHT Salutations, Madrid. One's ears shouldn't be subjected to such barnyard debasement provided weekly by the filth that spews forward from the alcohol tinged mouth of one Krista Isadora Duncan. You trumpet yourself as the holder of two masters degrees from Stanford, but your dishonorable conduct and your smutty style of dress cast a long shadow of shame onto that prestigious institution of higher learning. I have come to secure the knowledge that you were once a fitness model. No doubt using your appearance as a means to cloak your abhorrent personality, which is little more then a sewer, ripe with ugliness, and thin with morals. While your brawny words that you use to broadcast your opinion that you're better then everyone in the OAOAST may have bamboozled the common rodent watching this hackneyed program from his pig sty, they have failed to fooled me. I, Christian Wright, The Moral Highground, have willingly assumed the burden of proving to you and the world, that you, my dear woman, are not the best at anything. Krista Isadora Duncan, regardless of what sinful alternative lifestyles you chose to lead, after this lopsided battle draws to a close, you shall be my wife. If not by law, then certainly by practice! (No one knows what he said, because you know, they're all Spanish. But they boo anyway because he made mean faces and that means he's a heel!) COLE That means he's going to make her his bitch. He also stole that last line from Titanic. The familiar strands of pop queen Lindsay Lohan's Anything But Me leak out of the speakers. A beautiful red pyro fountain shoots from the center of the stage, connecting with a gorgeous yellow pyro waterfall. After they dissipate, the entrance doors slide open, and Krista Isadora Duncan steps out to a thunderous ovation from the fans! COLE Krista's been running down every male wrestler in the company as of late. She thinks she's better then them, and she also happens to believe they're conspiring to keep her underneath their glass ceiling. But now she has her first real test in Christian Wright. Wright has offered to be the one to put Krista back in her place. BUFFER And his opponent, she is the author of the New York Times best selling Soul of a Womyn, the star of the FIT with KID line of exercise videos, she hails from Los Angeles, California...KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAAAAAAAAAAN!!! “YEAAAAAA!” CABOOSE Cole, they've got a women's division now, let her and Alix wrestle in that. COLE They don't want to. They've never wrestled in it before, and they don't want to start now. Why should they all of sudden be shuffled to the women's division, when just seven months ago they were were fighting with the boys. CABOOSE A lot has changed in seven months. COLE Chicks Over Dicks as a team has lost only three matches in over a year. They have a 20 and 3 record. Twenty wins. Three losses. All wins came against men, and one loss was against a team of Zack Malibu and Holly-Wood. That's the best winning percentage of any regular tag team I've ever seen. Wearing a golden tank top and a glittery gold skirt, Krista confidently strolls to the ring. The former tag team champion steps onto the ring apron, and slowly ducks underneath the second and third ropes, giving the camera and the viewing audience a perfect view of her long and lovely, tan legs. With the wrestlers in the squared circle, the man in the stripes calls for the opening bell. DING DING The competitors start with a lockup that lasts exactly 5.3 seconds, ending when Wright switches around for a go-behind. Christian actually has difficulty lifting her up for an amateur style takedown, which is both very funny and very sad. Krista grows tired of what basically amounts to being dry humped, and breaks the waistlock by grabbing his arm and snagging it into an arm wrench. The fans clap politely, as Wright cringes with the torquing of his limbs. When he feels her grip loosen ever so slightly, he turns the tables with an arm wrench of his own. Nobody claps for him. How ever will Krista escape such a deathly hold? By rolling forward, sliding onto her knees, and doing a nifty headstand kip up, turning the tide back in her favor with her second armwrench! “Can a bitch get a handclap?” A proud Krista asks the crowd. A bitch sure can! She can also get a chant of “K-I-D! K-I-D!” Wright is forced to swing his body in front of her, then hit the ground back first in a speedy effort to free the hold. Befuddled over what exactly he's attempting to do, Krista gets suckered into a knuckle lock. Wright presses his left boot into her bare stomach and pulls her in, making it so that she's nearly floating on his foot. Izzy still has zero idea what the hell is going on, but she tries to maintain her calmness in the face of uncertainty. Using his size 10 boots, Wright pushes her off, making sure to land her on her feet. The knuckle lock still held tight, he springs to a standing position. The Natural leaps into the air, and presses his legs into her inner thighs. He falls backwards, and as he does so, he executes his plan to perfection, flinging Krista overhead with a monkey flip!The blonde bombshell properly braces herself for what could've been a nasty fall. As such the damage is dispersed throughout her body, and she's able to stand up rather quickly. COACH It's great to see two Upstarts duking it out on HeldDOWN! COLE Krista isn't an Upstart, Coach! COACH Sure she is! She asked to join the group last week, and Scotty let her in. She never officially quit! KID flashes a smug smile at her foe, as she claps sarcastically for his first victory in their game of one upsmanship. Wright for his part, stares daggers at her, not put off by her childish attempts to take him out of his game. They circle one another like ancient gladiators preparing to duel to the death. Ever the sneaky one, Krista extends her right hand for a test strength. Thinking Krista stupid for starting a fight she can't win, Wright meets her hand with his. Then his face meets the mat courtesy of a surprise drop toe hold. Krissy hits the ground, looking to score her favorite move, the headlock, but Wright is just a bit to fast for her. He sweeps out to her side, and grabs her arm into a hammerlock. A grin forms on his face, as he seems to believe he's forming the beginning of Krista's end with this simple hold. Izzy rolls into a sitting position, taking some of the pressure off her back and chest. Referee Billy Silverman asks Krista if she wants to submit. Krista looks at him like he just said the sky was yellow, because who the hell submits to a hammer lock three minutes into the match? The former fitness model reaches behind her and grabs onto the back of Wright's head, taking what little hair he has back there into her grip. She stands herself up, ignoring his shouts of “Stay down”, then flips him forward with a headlock takedown! He stands up, then gets taken right back down with a flipping dropkick! He stands up again, and gets taken down with a dropkick again. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. COLE Fans, later tonight, Wright's fellow Upstarts, The GPX and Jamie O'Hara face off against Peter Knight and The Usual Suspects in a six man tourney opening match. Wright stands up, wisely putting distance between himself and his dropkick happy opponent. The fighters come together with a lockup that ends as quickly as it started with Krista grabbing her world famous headlock. Krista wrenches on Christian's head, trying her damnedest to cause as much damage to his neck as she can possibly can. Wright ends the move prematurely by shoving her into the ropes. She runs back and decks the HI-YAH heavyweight champion with a clothesline. The SoCal diva goes back to the well, running to the ropes for another clothesline! But the standing Wright refuses to be hit again, as he tries to plant a boot into her gut! She catches it, turns him around, and grabs a tightly held waistlock! German Suplex? Not if Wright's crushing elbow to the head has anything to say about it! He grabs her left arm and hurls her to the ropes. On her return he spins her around for a tilt a whirl slam into a back breaker! Krista slides off his knees to the mat, as everyone in the arena winces at the extreme pain she must be going through. Wright triumphantly pumps his fist into the air, while his free hand clutches the chest that her clothesline almost caved in. The Upstart drops down on her for the pin. 1 2 KICK OUT! YEAAA! “Pardon my rudeness, Squire Silverman.” Wright begins. “But I must object to your denial of the pivotal three count. I do believe that such an adjudicature, for lack of a better word, was reached in both haste and simple misapprehension. Far be it for me to postulate at such an inoppurt.....” Before Christian can finish reciting the rest of the words in the dictionary, Krista gets him with a school boy! He kicks out at one! Both wrestlers stand up at the exact same time. It's Wright seizing the moment, and nailing her smack in the face with a back elbow! Stunned, with her whole world turned into a blur, she's unable to stop him from whipping her into the hard turnbuckle pads. What she is able to do however, is halt his incoming onslaught with a side elbow to the cheek! He staggers backwards, checking his mouth to see if her brutal shot drew any crimson goo. This distraction affords her the chance to climb to the third rope. When her rival returns looking for a bit of vengeance, she gives him leaping a tornado DDT! But Wright staves off disaster, shoving her off entirely! Fortunately, she lands on her feet. Intoxicated with fury, Wright charges her with a shoulder block! The best selling author drops to her stomach and captures him with a drop toe hold! CW's face slaps the hard ring mat, causing a trickle of blood to seep from his nostrils. He rolls onto his stomach, honestly hoping that the ref will see the blood, take pity on him and grant him a moment to attend to his wounds. But all that happens is that Krista runs the ropes, carthweels back, gets a pop because her skirt lifted up and the fans could see her thong-th-th-th-thong, and hits a moonsault. Ah, but Wright gets his knees up! COACH Very clever, Mister Wright! Krista rolls around the mat, moaning in sheer misery, and nursing her injured stomach. Wright, such polite gentlemen wipes his blood off on Silverman's shirt, then puts the stomps to Krissy. After lifting her up, he whips her into the bright orange ring ropes, trying for a hip toss upon her returns! But Krista aggravates him, landing on her feet! She hits him with a knee to gut, bending him down. From there, KID puts her leg on the back of his neck, and backflips over, popping the crowd but doing no actual damage whatsoever. She charges at him, purposely making herself into an easy target, in an effort to dupe the hot head into attempting a clothesline. He doesn't disappoint, and misses with a fantastic lariat! CW turns right around, and nearly gets decapitated with dropkick to the face! The shot causes more blood to seep out of his nose, as he plummets to the beige colored mat. With the crowd rooting on Krista, and the match firmly in her control, The Natural has to bail out of the ring to extinguish her fiery momentum. COACH Come on, baby! I'm talking to both of them, because they're both Upstarts. Wright is bent over, catching his breath, and trying to ignore the vapid American tourists in the front row who are calling him “CHRISTIAN WRONG”. He doesn't see that his enemy has followed him to the outside. She takes him by surprise with a forearm to the back, leaving him defenseless from her Irish whip into the guardrail! CLAAAAANK! After the horrible collision with the now dislodged guardrail, Wright lurches forward, mouth hung open, hollering in pain. To make matters worse a fan from the third row hits him in the head with a beer cup! Totally humiliated and awash with shame, a dejected Wright just falls flat on his stomach. The fan nearest him earns fifteen seconds of fame by dumping his beer all over Wright's back. COACH Krista likes beer, I'll bet she tries to lick it off him....hey throw some beer on me! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” The recipient of those chants scoops up the Upstart and rolls him into the ring. As Wright staggers to his feet, a mess of bud light, blood, sweat and lots of baby oil, the tanned beauty climbs to the third rope. When Wright turns around, she flings herself off and hits him with a gorgeous cross body block! Silverman drops down the mat for the count! UNO MOMENTO, MOMMY, SLOW YOUR TEMPO KICK OUT! Looking a little amazed that she only got a one count, Krista brushes her golden locks away from her baby blue eyes. Her pouting comes to a sudden halt, when she notices Wright leaning against the ropes. Terrible position, she tells herself, then runs at him, intending on clotheslining him to the outside! But the beer drenched heel was just playing possum, and his backbody drop rockets Krista over the ropes! The crowd holds their collective breath, for it looks like the vulgar heorine might take a very nasty bump! But they all breathe a sigh of relief as she lands solidly on her boots! Their happiness is short lived, as CW grabs onto the top rope, then shoots his feet through second and first one, disgustingly blasting her in the jaw and knocking her flat on the mat! CABOOSE Not a bad move. Krista starts to crawl away, seeking a place to regroup. Wright, now on the outside, remembers how she refused to let him recover, and hopes to repay the discourteousness in full. He picks her up, grabs her into a front face lock, then drops her stomach fist onto that pesky guard rail! He nearly hitting a few fans with her feet in the process of executing his brutal move. She groans audibly, bringing a smirk to Christian's blood stained face. KID's body does twisting slide back onto the floor. She promptly resumes crawling away from Wright, fans patting her on the back with encouragement as she attempts a futile escape. CW pounces on her once more, lifting her up and tagging her face with closed right hands. He jaws with a few simpletons in the stands, who order him to leave their beloved femme fatale be. Upon giving them a sound verbal thrashing, he Irish whips Krista against the ring apron! Krista reverses it, crashing him into the hard material hidden underneath the flimsy fabric! Wright leans against the ring, huffing and puffing like a big bad wolf, but feeling more like a distressed sheep. Krista dashes at him, but he's able to move out of the way at the last moment! Now she's forced to place her hands on the ring apron to brace herself for the impact! But what this allows Christian to do is grab her legs, one in each arm, swing her around, and cruelly drop her throat first onto the guard rail! The audience is absolutely livid at such a blatant disrespect for Krista's body, and every last one of them gives a remorseless Wright an earful. Izzy looks to be in horrible pain, feeling like her neck was just ransacked by a dozen razor blades. Wright stands over his disheveled victim, trembling with rage, spit flying from his mouth. “I am doing this for your own good! I am your moral superior, you street walking tart! You will obey me!” COLE We'll be back with more, HeldDOWN! (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) We return at exactly the perfect moment, as Wright has Krista draped over the first rope, her throat resting in an unenviable spot on the bottom cable. Displaying admirable agility, the HI-YAH heavyweight champion throws himself over the top rope, and hits Krista in the back of the head with a leg drop! Izzy rolls back into ring, grabbing onto her neck, gasping for whatever air will come to her. Silverman admonishes a returning Wright for the cheap tactic, but is rudely instructed to “mind your own affairs, wretch.” by the abrasive superstar. Duncan backs herself into the corner, coughing up a storm. Her adversary brings the fight to her, unloading on her with vile knife edge chops! Although they smart dearly, she's just glad he's leaving her tortured throat alone. After hitting one last delightfully bitter chop, he whips her to the opposite corner! Reversed! Wright makes the error of taking the turnbuckle bump stomach first, and staggers back into a lung blower from Krista! COLE Obviously Krista wants him to see what it's like to go without air! Krista lies on the mat, next to Christian, scarcely able to breathe, her energy all but consumed. Taking strength from the touching show of support the fans give her, she stands and starts stomping the absolute shit out of Wright! He tries to cover up, but she just hits him in all the parts he's not able to shield. He'd need to be Goro from Mortal Kombat to properly save himself from these hate fueled stomps. Eventually she stomps all the way over to the corner, where he leans against the bottom turnbuckle. Krista picks him up, brings him away from the corner and whips him to the ropes! He reverses it! She returns, leaping onto his shoulders for a hurricanrana! But he counters that high risk move with a high impact sitout powerbomb, that shakes the squared circle! “AWWWWW!” says the upset crowd. Silverman makes the count! 1 2 KICK OUT! “YEAAAAAAA” goes the crowd. Wright ignores the gob of cheers, and goes back to work on her neck with two quick but dangerous elbow drops to her throat! Wasting no movement or time, he locks her into a modified dragon sleeper! Silverman knows the reputation of the Upstarts, and the second the hold is cinched in, he checks it's validity, wanting to see if it's nothing more then an illegal choke. Lying on her back, not only does Krista have to worry about not blacking out, but she also has to worry about not getting pinned, as Silverman seems insistent on checking her shoulders. Wright doesn't seem to notice that her shoulders are this close to touching the mat, and switches his dragon sleeper into the regular sleeper, perhaps costing himself a chance to obtain victory. 'KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” chant the fans, trying to rally their gal. Krista doesn't let her large fanbase down, getting to her feet, and furiously elbowing her way out of Wright's treacherous trap. She runs the ropes, rebounding to punt Wright smack dab in his gigantic junk! That scores an enormous pop from the spectators! And her dropkicking him clear out of the ring, through the second and third ropes, gets an even bigger one! COACH AGHHHHH! And YEAAAH! Because they're both Upstarts. Krista leaps onto the highest rope, and before her balance can disappear she throws herself at Wright with a terrific shooting star press to the outside! Camera phones, digital cameras, and regular old Kodaks, click off pictures as a spiraling KID takes CW down to black mats! Krista stands up and flexes her impressive, but not freakish, muscles, as CW looks to have taken the next train to la-la land. She rolls the dizzy champion onto the ring apron, where he very slowly rises to his knees. Krista, gaining joins him and hits him in the face with a few left jabs. The one sided slugfest is ended when Wright rocks her world with an elbow to the stomach, doubling her over! It looks like she just might crumple to the outside, but Wright keeps her upright, then throws her through the second rope into the ring. COACH Some close calls for my man, The C-Dub, but he's getting it under control. But if Krista wins that'd be okay, because she is an Upstart, you know. COLE Coach, you're so silly. Wright drags a standing Krista into a tightly secured front face lock! He tries for a slingshot suplex, and the sling part works okay. The shot part backfires however as Krista crushes his cranium with a big time DDT reversal! Krista keeps the fans cheering by getting up and climbing to the top rope! Wright gets them booing by making a mad dash to the corner and shoving her off, propelling her to the oft-visited outside! KID has a less then pleasant landing, tumbling backwards, falling over, and violently smacking her head on the bottom bar of the guardrail. Fireworks of pain explode throughout her possibly concussed head. COLE That doesn't look to good! She stands up, and leans against the railing, grunting in agony, not even having the requisite strength to slap the fan who's getting a little to friendly with her bra strap. However she does have the vitally necessary energy to avoid CW, who's coming down on her like an atomic bomb with an axe handle smash! Not only does Christian miss her completely, but he overshot his jump so he misses the guardrail as well! That means he's about to land in the best seats in the house! The unsympathetic fans haul ass, leaving his face to get up close and personal with several steel chairs! CRAAAAASSH! That's the sound of Christian's muscular body being ravaged by the combination of concrete, half eaten hot dogs, beer bottles and unforgiving steel. COLE That looks even worse! COACH My boys got Ups! Look how far he want! The fans chant the only English they probably know, “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!” drowning out Wright's screams “Oh my god, my knee, my arm, my whole body!” CABOOSE If Billy Silverman had any sense at all, he'd tell them to keep this match in ring! What good are these two to the OAOAST if they're both on the injured list? Krista grabs a nearby fan's camera phone and starts snapping photos of Wright, whose body looks to be doing an impression of Raggity Ann. “Smile, baby! Let me see those pearly whites!” She tells him, knowing he may have just lost a few of those pearly whites. After tossing the phone back to spectator, Izzy undertakes the gargantuan task of pulling Wright's battered and busted body over the guardrail. The fans, returning to their seats, show him no mercy or respect, making derogatory claims about his sexuality, his dorky hairstyle and his choice of tights. KID tries to lead him back into the ring, but he confounds her with a surprise elbow to the chest! Desperate for a moment to rest, he grabs her by the back of her head and bashes her face into the ring post! And again! And again! And that's all he'll get, because they just both topple backwards, almost driven to the point of exhaustion. COLE How is Wright even able to stand after what he just did? What an amazing resiliency! COACH He's a champion, Cole. That means he's one of the greats. A loser like you wouldn't understand what it takes. CW slides the best selling author into the ring. He stands her up and hits a Northern Lights Suplex, rolls it and gets another. This time he bridges it! 1 2 KICK OUT! “YEAAAAAAA!” You can see the perturbation on Wright's clobbered visage, but he doesn't have energy or the patience to debate with the zebra. Letting Krista exhaust her strength, he allows her to stand up, then resumes the attack with four forearms that push her into the turnbuckle. CW hammers her with six quick chops to the chest, then hurls her across the ring to the opposing corner! He runs in for a body splash, but she dives out of the way, leaving him to crash stomach first into the sharp steel! She spins her bruised foe around, putting his back against the pads, then backs up, and measures his body for the perfect target. Charging in, she jumps up for a forearm smash, but he moves at the last possible second, and she meets a much worse fate then he did, hitting her face against the top buckle! She staggers backwards and the crimson masked Wright rolls her up for a pin! 1 2 KICK OUT! Krista stands up, and gets hammered with a left armed lariat! Or does she? No she doesn't because she ducks the attack! She turns around to hit him with a discus punch, but he's just a shade quicker and..SMAAAACK....he floors her with an amazingly harsh superkick! Watching Krista writhe in pain on the mat, a disdainful laugh escapes from Wright's bloody mouth. He lifts her up, but not before planting a few elbows to her back, then sends her to the corner! He follows her in for what looks to be a body splash, but the bottom of her golden shoe introduces itself to his jaw! The stuffy gladiator clumsily reels backwards, and Krista rumbles to him for a shoulder block! However, he manages to take hold of her slender hips, planning to just slam her to the canvas. But she leaps out to his side, then quickly shoots behind him! With the advantage all in her corner, she jumps onto his broad shoulders, and falls forward for a victory roll! CROWD UNO CROWD DOS TRE....WRIGHT REVERSES IT! 1 2 KICK OUT! “YEAAAAAAA!” CABOOSE So close! An expression of pure hatred for his feisty rival resting on face, Wright drags her upright. He tries to rearrange her facial structure with wild haymakers. The Natural sweeps behind her, and foists her up for a backdrop. But she slips out of the hold and lands on her feet! He turns around, only to take another boot to his massive meat missile! Oh, how the sadistic crowd loves seeing that encore! KID joyfully brings him even more pain with a sweet double arm DDT! She goes for a pin.... CROWD UNO CROWD DOS NO! Wright gets to his feet, wobbling like a bobble head as he rises. Krista locks onto her prey, and runs at him for a bulldog. But Wright sees her coming out of the corner of her eye, and halts her with a knee to the stomach! He hooks her into a backdrop set up, then lifts her up, seating her on the top turnbuckle! He climbs up with her, as every member of the audience rises to their feet in anticipation of the big move that's forthcoming! Wright applies a rear waistlock, and the fans who know what that means pop huge. Those who didn't know what was about it to happen are even more astonished by Wright's murderous top rope German Suplex! COLE No! Krista is dead, Caboose! CABOOSE I call dibs on her Porsche. Krista lands on the mat, folded in half, any expression on her face going blank as she slips into a blackness. Resting assured that this contest is all but over, Wright attempts a pin. 1 2 KICK OUT “YEAAAAA!” COLE How's Krista kicking out of that?! Beside himself with anguish, Wright sure wishes he had the answer to that query. He throws the mother of all tantrums to the audience's delight, slamming his tapped fist against the canvas, kicking his feet in the air, and letting a superabundance of tears flow freely from his hazel eyes. COLE I guess we will get to see the tears he's cried behind these hazel eyes. Still crying, Wright violently pulls her into a standing head scissors, then wraps his arms around her slim waist, and drags her into the air for a powerbomb! NO! Krista flips out of it! Lariat by CW! Ducked! Superkick by Krista! He catches her foot, and smiles with barbaric glee! He spins her around and gets a quick waistlock! German Suplex! She flips out of it! Grinning from ear to ear, she waves him on! He accepts her invitation, and gets an elbow to the face as a result! The strike turns him around, leaving his back wide open to whatever she wants to do! And what Krista wants is to finish this match. And what Krista wants, Krista gets, baby! Standing behind him she wraps her hands around his head, then butches him with Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya! (Reverse X-factor)! Saying a little prayer that she'll get a three count, reaches forward and hooks his leg for the pin! CROWD UNO CROWD DOS CROWD TRES! DING DING “YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Her hair oddly drooping in front of her face in a sweat drenched mess, she gets up and runs to the corner, leaning against it for support. Silverman helps to her feet, handing her a liquor bottle so she can celebrate her victory with her favorite man in the whole wide world, Jim Beam. The fans give her a wonderful response for her winning effort on this December night. COLE Talk about a match! A great showing Krista Isadora Duncan, in her first match since April.. And how about Christian Wright? He looked excellent. But tonight belongs to Krista. She has proven that she's better then at least one OAOAST wrestler. COACH A great performance by two Upstarts! CABOOSE Krista isn't an Upstart. But you can have her. That woman is a vulgar drunk. Not a fun drunk either. COLE We'll be back with more! (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) Magnum Opus: Father Padilla Meets the Perfect Gnat/Howling at the Moon hits and Alf makes his way to the ring with a microphone. COLE Well, I don't have Alf on my schedule on right now, Coach, but apparently he's got something to say! ALF Last Sunday, at November Reign, all you people witnessed the pecking order as it pertains to factions in the history of the OAOAST. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for the Heartland title to come home where it belongs! *crowd cheers* ALF I'm ready to use my rematch clause, and I'm ready to use it TONIGHT! Get out here, Chris Stevens! COACH Alf came out and got right to the point, Cole! HHH should be taking notes right now! *dun dun* *dun dun* *dun dun* *dun dun* WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHO! Chris Stevens comes out and stands in the entranceway. COACH Here he comes, Cole! Are we gonna get a match tonight? STEVENS You know, Alf, as much as I'd love to come down and beat your brains in again, and retain my Heartland championship...I can't. *crowd boos* STEVENS You see, due to the injuries I've sustained thanks to the ILLEGAL LIGHTTUBES used last night, I was given STRICT orders from my doctors after the show to stay out of Heartland matches for three weeks. *crowd boos* ALF Three weeks, huh? So that would allow you to defend your belt on...December the 18th, that would be Climax, am I correct? *crowd cheers* ALF Let's make a little bet, Stevens. Say next week, you and your buddies Richards and Jumbo score a win over my team in the six-man tournament. Should that happen, I'll let you choose what kind of match we have at Climax. Should you lose...I'LL be choosing the match, and I've already got the perfect match in mind. *crowd cheers* STEVENS You know what? I've already kicked your ass once, and took this belt from you. I'll be glad to do it again at Climax, in a match of MY choice. I accept your challenge. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHO! COLE Well, there we go, Coach! We've got it for Climax, Alf gets his rematch for the Heartland gold! COACH And he'll have a chance to choose the stip next week, it's Alfdogg, Thunderkid and Reject facing off against Chris Stevens, Jay Richards and Jumbo in another first-round match of the Six-Man championship tournament! COLE And the final matchup of the first round, the World champion, Stephen Joseph, teams with the 24/7 champion Tha Puerto Rican and Vitamin X, as they take on the team of Black T, and their partner, Theodore Moneymaker! COACH Alvin, Simon, Theodore! hhahahahaha! CABOOSE Terrible. Theodore is not a chimpmunk. Not that I know of. He's Tony Brannigans cousin, and he has a great future in the wrestling industry. He's one to watch in 2006. COLE We've got more to watch in 2005 after this break. (GO TO BREAK)

COLE Coach, what meeting are they talking about? COACH Hey! If you wanted to know that, you should've joined The Upstarts. CABOOSE You don't know, do you? COACH Shut your mouth. Of course I do. CABOOSE Do they know you're an Upstart? COACH I said shut your mouth. On with the show! CALIFORNIA LOVE!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH!!! "California Love" by Dr. Dre and Tupac starts up as the doors slide open and headlights appear. COLE Here comes the new X-Division Champion The Parka. What a match he had with his former partner Peter Knight at November Reign! COACH And what a beat down occured after it was over! COLE Yes I'm very disappointed in Peter Knight. CABOOSE Ohhh are you going to send him to his room without supper? COLE No. COACH No Cole would rather spank him. CABOOSE Good one Coach. (Coach goes to give Caboose a five and Caboose ignores him.) Parka pulls the El Camino out onto the stage and holds the X-Division belt out of the window for the fans to see. The crowd cheers as Parka revs the engine extra loud. Parka then exits the car as Eddy gets out on the passenger side. Parka holds the belt up for everyone to see as the fans cheer. Parka then puts the title on his shoulder and walks to the ring. He climbs onto the apron and steps through the ropes before posing on the turnbuckles for a few seconds to take in the cheers. Finally he steps down as the music dies out and takes a mic. PARKA Man it feels good to have gold once again! YEAHHHHHHH!!!! PARKA At November Reign Peter Knight gave me the fight of my life and I don't want to take anything away from him, because he fought well. However, I'm still stinging from that post-match attack. I could come out here and whine and complain about how a man who was supposed to be my friend disrespected me, but honestly I've been there. I've reacted the same way he did and I know what he's feeling. If he believes our friendship and our tag team is dead then so be it, but I'm not going to cry over spilt milk. Tonight is the beginning of a new era in my career and I'm going to celebrate. After all we're here in Madrid, Spain!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PARKA I feel like hanging out with a few of those Spanish Mamacitas and doing a little dancing! I learned a few things during my time in Mexico. Sure it's a bit different here, but I can fit in! (Parka does a little Spanish dance and the fans cheer.) PARKA Okay okay enough about that it's time to get to business. Now that I have this X-Division Championship I plan on being a fighting champion. Now we already have a man around here claiming to be a fighting champion and he defends his belt every week. I think you know who I'm talking about and that's the OAOAST Champion Stephen Joseph. BOOOOOOOOO!!!! PARKA Now I consider myself an Original so I cannot let an Upstart, even if he technically has been here longer than I have, upstage me. Therefore I too will defend my title every week here on HeldDOWN until the day I lose this title! YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! PARKA I have already told the guys and gals in the back that there will be an open spot against me every week on HeldDOWN so I ask that anyone who wants to answer the challenge go ahead and come on out. COLE Wow! We're going to have an X-Divsion Title match right now!! COACH Yeah but who's going to answer the challenge? LIGHTNING CREW!!!! COLE Oh no! BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! "No Chance in Hell" by Bradley Royds begins to play and out comes a Mexican Flag appears on the Angletron and suddenly a Lightning Bolt hits the stage. White smoke fills the entrance way and out comes....Mr. Boricua! COLE Now I wasn't expecting that! CABOOSE I think he might be lost. PARKA Well...this is a surprise. Boricua walks down the aisle and enters the ring. He gets a mic of his own and comes face to face with Parka as the music dies down. PARKA Well big man I said I would take on all challenges and they do say there are no limits in the X-Division, so if you want a match you got it. BORICUA Yeah!!! Boricua next X Champ! BOOOOOOOO!!!! PARKA Whoa let's not get ahead of ourselves. BORICUA *Grinning widely* Boricua...next AJ Styles!! PARKA Next AJ Styles?? Aren't you a little big to be AJ? BORICUA I'm not fat!! PARKA I'm not saying you are! BORICUA I'm pissed now!!! PARKA Oh crap! COLE Oh crap is right!! CABOOSE Does Boricua honestly think he's the next AJ Styles?? COACH I think he's too dumb to know the difference. COLE That wasn't very nice. CABOOSE No I agree. Parka backs into a corner as Boricua stalks him. Parka frantically apologizes for supposedly calling him fat, but Boricua doesn't want to hear it. The ref comes running out of the back and slides into the ring, calling for the bell. *DING DING DING* COLE I guess we have a match. Boricua, at 6 foot 9 inches and 300 pounds, isn't your normal X-Division wrestler. CABOOSE Like I said he's too dumb to know the difference. COACH I said that actually. CABOOSE No you didn't. Parka takes off his La Parka mask and tosses it to Eddy just in time as Boricua rains down a hard palm strike to Parka's chest that echoes around the arena! Boricua rains down two more strikes and Parka's knees become weak. Finally Boricua whips Parka across the ring and into the opposite corner. Parka hits hard and Boricua comes running in for a Clothesline, but Parka quickly jumps over the top rope and to the apron. Boricua slams sternum first into the turnbuckle and stumbles back. Parka then climbs to the top rope and comes off with a Moonsault, but Boricua catches him and Presses him high above his head. COLE Oh no what's he planning on doing?? CABOOSE Who knows? Does he even know? Boricua then launches Parka to the outside and Parka hits the protective mats hard! Boricua then throws his arms out to the side in an AJ Styles-like pose. BOOOOOOOO!!!! COACH Yeah...he's lost his mind. COLE He had a mind?? Wait a minute!! What is he doing now? Boricua sees Parka begin to stand and grabs a hold of the top rope. He then slingshots himself out of the ring with a Pescado! Parka sees him coming and quickly moves, just barely getting out of the way as Boricua crashes hard on the floor!! COLE This whole building just shook!! CABOOSE Well I've seen it all now! The fans laugh and cheer the bold move by Boricua as Parka snaps out of his shock and tries to lift Boricua up and roll him into the ring. Parka manages to roll him in and then positions himself on the apron. Parka twirls his finger in the air and the fans cheer as he hits the Slingshot Senton Splash on Boricua and goes for a cover. 1 2 No! Boricua presses Parka off of him and over the ref! Parka is up quickly as the ref recovers from his near heart attack and Boricua gets to his feet as well. Parka waves Boricua on and Boricua gets a big grin on his face. COLE Okay now Parka has gone crazy. Boricua goes for a Bicycle Kick, but Parka catches his foot and hits a quick Dragon Screw Leg Whip! Boricua is slow to get up and when he does Parka goes for the Shining Wizard, but Boricua catches him! Boricua presses Parka up, but Parka fights out and goes for a Sunset Flip! However, Parka isn't able to get Boricua over! COACH No way...Boricua is too heavy for that! CABOOSE But he's still trying. Parka tries with all his might to get Boricua over and Boricua starts to wobble, but finally he gets his bearings and reaches down to grab Parka. Boricua pulls him up with a Double Choke, but Parka breaks free and hits a Dropkick on his way down. COLE What a counter, but Boricua isn't going down! Boricua stumbles, but he stays on his feet. So Parka hits the ropes and nails him with a Shoulder Block. Still Boricua stays up, but he teeters dangerously close to falling over. Parka strikes quick and hits a Clothesline that knocks Boricua over the top rope! COLE Finally he got him! CABOOSE Hold on look!! Boricua lands on his feet on the outside and the fans can't believe it. Parka looks frustrated, but he doesn't miss a beat as he bounces off the ropes and flies over the top rope with a Tope! COLE Parka takes to the air....but Boricua catches him!! COACH Uh oh! Boricua has Parka across his right shoulder facing up and looks to ram him into the ringpost. COLE If he hits this the match could be over! COACH Along with Parka's title reign! Parka manages to break free at the last second, fall behind him, and shove Boricua face first into the post! Boricua stumbles back into Parka, who slides him into the ring. Boricua is back on his feet quickly as Parka climbs to the top rope again. Parka leaps off for a Flying Hurricanrana! COLE Shades of the Dream Catcher! CABOOSE Speaking of catching...Boricua's done it again! Boricua catches Parka as he tries to hit the Hurricanrana and drops him with a Sitout Powerbomb! 1 2 No!!! COLE I thought he had him! COACH I think Parka is rethinking this open challenge! Boricua pulls Parka back to his feet, whips him to the ropes, and catches him coming off with a Flying Clothesline! COLE Boricua is pulling out moves I wasn't expecting! Boricua with a cover! 1...2...No! Parka kicks out! CABOOSE This may be a short reign for Parka. Parka comes up dazed as Boricua whips him to the ropes again. Boricua presses Parka into the air and then lets him fall to the mat hard. Parka bounces off the mat like a basketball and Boricua makes another cover. 1 2 No!!! COLE I admire Parka for taking on all challengers, but he's in for a fight. CABOOSE This is becoming kind of fun to watch. Parka slowly pulls himself up by the ropes and Boricua is there to whip him hard into the corner. Before Parka can even take a breath Boricua comes in with an Avalanche to the corner and Parka flops face first to the mat. COLE My God! Boricua just flattened Parka in the corner. COACH But why isn't he going for a cover? CABOOSE Why do you think? Boricua then pulls Parka into position and climbs the turnbuckles. COLE Oh no...what is he going for now!? Boricua comes off with a Flying Splash....but Parka gets his knees up! COLE Boricua just landed on the knees of Parka! CABOOSE I think that hurt both men! Parka indeed seems to have the wind knocked out of him as Boricua's weight drove Parka's own legs into his gut and chest. Both men lie on the mat as the ref makes a 10 count. 1 2 3 4 5 6 Parka starts to pull himself up 7 8 Boricua starts to get up 9 Both men make it to their feet and Parka goes in for the kill. Boricua comes to life and kicks Parka in the gut before Parka can do anything and then he goes for the Latino Bomb. COLE Boricua going for the Power Bomb. This could be the end!! COACH Say goodbye to your title Parka. It was nice while it lasted. As Boricua gets him up Parka reverses it with a Hurricanrana that takes the big man over! COLE What a reversal!! CABOOSE I can't believe he got him over! Parka is momentarily shocked, but he manages to get it together and go for a pin. 1 2 No!!! Parka then waits for Boricua to get up and as Boricua gets to a knee Parka comes in with the Shining Wizard and connects!!! Parka then pulls Boricua away from the ropes and goes for another cover. 1 2 3!!! No!! Boricua kicks out!!! COLE Parka and this capacity crowd cannot believe it! CABOOSE He needs to keep on him! Parka pulls Boricua to his feet and kicks him in the gut. He then goes for the Day of the Dead, but he cannot get Boricua up! COLE I don't think he's going to be able to hit that move!! COACH Boricua is just too heavy Cole! Parka tries again, but he strains his back and Boricua counters with a Back Body Drop! Parka gets up slow and receives a boot to the gut before Boricua lifts him for the Latino Bomb....and hits it!! COLE He got him!! CABOOSE Yeah but he's not going for a cover! COACH No...he's going to the top! COLE What...the...hell?? Boricua climbs to the top rope and throws his hands out to the side before steadying himself and then leaping off....with a Spiral Tap!! But at the last second Parka moves and Boricua hits the mat hard! COLE Oh my God I'm surprised the ring didn't collapse!!! CABOOSE This idiot really thought he could be like AJ Styles!! The fans chant "Holy Shit" as Parka pulls himself back up and looks absolutely shocked! Parka signals for the end and the fans cheer. YEAHHHHHH!!!!! COLE What's he going to do? He can't hit the Day of the Dead! Parka climbs to the top rope and looks out the the crowd with a smile on his face. COLE What is he planning? Parka leaps off the top rope with a Shooting Star Press....into a Double Stomp!!! COLE Oh my God!!!! CABOOSE Well that was new!! Boricua holds his gut in pain as Parka goes for a cover. 1 2 3!!!! *DING DING DING* BUFFER Here's your winner and still X-Divsion Champion....THE PARKA!!!!! Parka comes up and wipes his brow before looking to the crowd and mouthing, "did you like that?" YEAHHHHHH!!!! "California Love" plays as Parka is handed his title and exits the ring. Boricua finally gets up and looks pissed. Parka gets back in the El Camino along with Eddy and holds the X Title up one last time for the fans before backing the car through the entryway. COLE What a win for Parka! COACH And now he's going to defend his title every week? He might not make it very long! CABOOSE Hopefully he makes it a lot longer than Stephen Joseph does. COLE Well that's something we agree on. Boricua walks back to the back and runs into Tha Puerto Rican. PRL What the hell was that?? BORICUA I'm in the X-Division! Boricua walks away holding his gut and grinning like a fool, leaving PRL looking confused. COLE I guess you at home are just as confused as PRL. Fans, just a quick reminder the next time the OAOAST will be on PPV is December 18th for Climax. Now, you can still order the replay of our last pay per view event and see all the great matches. Make sure you have some coffee on hand, because it is long. COACH And coming up, we have a really long commercial break! (GO TO BREAK) (RETURN FROM BREAK) We cut to the back and find the World Tag Team champions, the Usual Suspects, walking the halls. They stop and converse with a crew member, who points them towards a door. COLE Seems like Zack is looking for someone. The duo approach and open the door without knocking. The camera follows them in and reveals it to be the dressing room of Peter Knight, their partner in the six-man tag tournament match tonight. Knight is on his cell phone and looks in slight surprise at the intrusion. KNIGHT (on phone) Hey, I gotta go. No, really, I can’t talk about that now because Zack and Rodez just walked in. We’ll talk more later. Right, see ya. Knight hangs up the phone and stands, only to find Zack Malibu right in his face. ZACK So, you FINALLY get all that “frustration” out last Sunday? You have your little temper tantrum there after Parka beat you fair and square? I don’t want to know what the hell has been going on with you lately, but it stops TONIGHT! We’re all teaming up to face O’Hara and the GPX and, as we showed on Sunday night, we know how to handle the GPX. MY problem is having to deal with an unstable, moody and “frustrated” partner who I really don’t know if he’ll have our back tonight. KNIGHT So you’re suddenly becoming “Mr. Leader” around here, telling me what to do? I’ve got two words for you, and one rhymes with “Malibu”: screw you! *SLAP* “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” Zack literally slaps the taste out of Knight’s mouth. Knight makes a move towards him, but Rodez gets in the middle, pushing Zack out the door as he trades words with Knight. ZACK When you meet us in that ring later, you better put behind everything else but the GPX and O'Hara. Get your head on straight tonight, Peter; if you don’t, I’ll knock it clean off your shoulders. KNIGHT Why not do it right now, huh? (To Rodez) Get his preppy ass out of here. Rodez manages to get Malibu out of the room and the door is closed. Knight, now pretty angry, picks his cell phone back up and dials. KNIGHT (on phone) It’s me again. That idea you had? (He looks off towards the door in anger) I’m in. (FADE)