Patty O'Green

The key question in Uno and Dos ring attire is are they wearing masks or are they wearing helmets!?

BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a STRETCHER MATCH! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" BUFFER In this match, the only way to win is to render your opponent incapable of defending himself, before placing your opponent on the stretcher and wheeling him across the finishing line at the top of the aisleway. And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing the first participant. "Oh (hey!), I've been travelin' on this road too long Just tryin' to find my way back home But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone And oh (hey!), I've been travelin' on this road too long Just tryin' to find my way back home But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone, dead and gone..." The opening to "Dead And Gone" by T.I. fades into "Numb" by Linkin Park. And the camera pans up from the stretcher sitting in the aisleway to Leon Rodez, slowly emerging from the back. Dressed in black jeans and with his ribs still taped up from injuries suffered a few weeks ago, Leon is still in the process of wrapping his hands up with tape as he walks out. BUFFER From Grand Rapids, Michigan. Weighing in tonight at two hundred, eighteen pounds... the former OAOAST Heavyweight Champion of the world... LLLEEEEEOOOOOONN... RRRRRROOOOOOODDEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COLE For the past few weeks Leon has been trying to sabotage the relationship between his niece Jade and Bohemoth. And it seems like he may have succeeded. But in doing so, Leon has had to sacrifice himself to an ever angrier Meterosexual Monster. Four weeks ago Leon was brutalised right here where we're sitting and had to be stretchered out of the arena, at the hands of Bohemoth. And if not for a cheap lowblow, it might have happened again at School's Out. Tonight, there's no buts or maybes, either Leon or Bohemoth will be stretchered on HeldDOWN~! Leon stalks his way down the aisle, passing the stretcher in the aisleway. He looks it over with fans motioning he's about to take another ride on it soon. Leon responds by tossing his empty tape roll in their direction. "I'VE BECOME SO NUMB I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE BECOME SO TIRED SO MUCH MORE AWARE! I'M BECOMING THIS ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE MORE LIKE ME AND BE LESS LIKE YOU!" Walking up the ring steps, Leon stops briefly and stares out into the crowd, taking a long breath before he enters the ring. He stands in the middle of the ring, looking out into the fans, a scowl on his face. COLE And with the Chi-Town Spectacular a week away, what an important match tonight, but what a thought in the backs of the minds of Leon and Bohemoth. Both men are focused on tonight, but both want to make it to the Battlebowl battle royal in one piece. *BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!* "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The crowd explode as "Liberate" hits and Leon's focus turns from the crowd. Making his way out through the entrance, a slight limp hampers Bohemoth but makes him look no less determined. BUFFER And the opponent, from Greenville, South Carolina... weighing two hundred and eighty four pounds. He is "THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER"... BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHHEEEEEEEMMMMOOOOOOOOTTHHHHHH!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH You talk about these two making it to Chicago in one piece, they're barely in one piece already! Leon's got busted ribs, Bo's got a busted knee. And one of them's going out on a stretcher tonight. COLE Possible World Title implications in this personal battle. Bohemoth marches to the ring and forgetting the pain in his knee slides headlong into the ring, only to get jumped by stomps from Leon the moment he touches down! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" *DINGDINGDING* COLE And right away Leon on the attack, before Bohemoth can even get in the ring. COACH What are you talking about, he's in the ring. COLE Well, to his feet then, either way it's a cheapshot! Leon stomps away on Bohemoth trying to keep him down, before pinning his neck down on the bottom rope and choking him. The referee puts a five count on Rodez but he realises fullwell that he can't be disqualified and just stares back coldly. Once he finally breaks Bohemoth tries to get back up but Leon pounces again and forces Bo's throat against the middle rope. COLE Leon determined, and wisely so, to stop Bohemoth getting to his feet. Which is going to limit the damage Bo can do for a while, if nothing else. "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" With Bo coughing for breath, Leon takes a couple of steps and stomps Bohemoth in the back. Turning to the crowd he teases doing a jig, hearing the boos and instead laying in another stomp. Leon then hits the ropes. But Bohemoth pulls himself up and backdrops Leon up and over the top to the floor! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh and there goes Leon! And now Bohemoth is on his feet and on the warpath! Leon picks himself up on the outside, turning around to be met with a hard right hand to the jaw! The fans roar on Bohemoth as he tracks Rodez around the ring, nailing him with another right hand. Desperate to get away Leon dives to slide back into the ring. A hand wrapped around his ankle puts a stop to that though, dragged back out and dropped by another right. Leon tries again to get away, this time luring Bohemoth in... but Bo blocks Leon's right hand, takes him by the head and SLAMS it into the ring steps! COLE No disqualifications, no count-outs, the only way to win is to wheel your opponent past the finish line on a stretcher. Eyes rolling Leon slumps against the steps and is overwhelmed by a barrage of Bo's right hands that force him down into a seated position against the steel. COACH Bohemoth's gonna end up with a broken hadn to go with that gimpy knee if he keeps this up. Dayyum. After about a twelfth punch, The Meterosexual Monster waves the referee out of his way and when he talks, people listen. Getting a run-up across ringside Bohemoth charges at Rodez and throws a facewashing boot... *THUD!* ...which, thankfully, Leon avoids, the steps not so lucky and sent flying! COACH Woah! COLE If Bohemoth had connected there, that stretcher might have been the only way Leon could leave. While Bohemoth is off guard Leon pounces, leaping on Bohemoth's back and peppering with short punches. Bo shrugs Leon off and he falls against the guardrail, able to move again though as Bohemoth goes for a charge. Bohemoth clatters into the rail shoulder first and Leon shakes off the effects so far before grabbing a steel chair. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Looking down at the weapon in his hand, Leon scowls as he prepares a big swing... and gets the chair kicked out of his hands. COLE Uh-oh! COACH Caught with the hand in the cookie jar. And not the good kind! Stalked by an angry Monster, Rodez tries to reason with him... before suddenly going low and clipping the right knee of Bohemoth! COLE Caught him, right in the knee, the knee that Leon targetted two weeks ago in that sneak attack backstage! Bohemoth goes down onto his other knee grimacing in pain. Coming from off the apron, Leon delivers a double axehandle to the back. He then rolls Bohemoth back inside the ring, but doesn't follow. Instead he walks off to the aisle in search of the stretcher. COACH Here we go. COLE Leon looking for the stretcher, although it may be a little early to be thinking about wheeling Bohemoth away. Grabbing the stretcher with a glare at the fans beside it, Leon jerks it away and wheels it to the ring. Seeing Bohemoth pulling himself up on the far ropes Leon leaves the stretcher in front of the ring apron for now and slides back in. Leon marches over, grabbing a hold of Bohemoth, but getting a shot to the ribs. Leon comes back for more, taking another shot. And a third. Bohemoth then surprises him with a big clothesline! Bouncing back up, Leon takes another clothesline! And a third time he walks in, this time to be pressed overhead by the 284 pounder! COLE What strength! What power! COACH What is he doing with him!? Bohemoth holds Leon over his head and spots the stretcher, not taking long to get an idea. Namely, throwing Leon out and onto it! Before it can come to that, Leon desperately reaches out as he sees himself being carried towards the ropes, digging his fingers into Bohemoth's eyes! That forces Bohemoth to lose his grip. Landing on his feet behind Bohemoth, Leon quickly goes to the knee again, crumbling Bo with a chopblock. COLE That was a lucky, lucky escape. With Bo on all fours Leon throws some punches to the head, backing off the ropes and slamming a foot to the side of the skull. Grabbing the leg, Leon drops an elbow to the knee and locks it up, leaving a vulnerable spot to start digging and jabbing his fist and elbow into. COLE A frenzied attack on the knee now. Leon clearly feels that if he can take that out then Bohemoth will be incapacitated enough to be put on the stretcher and wheeled away. COACH It's a better tactic than trying to knock Bohemoth out, that's for sure. Leon gets back up and stomps Bo in the head, dazing him while he leaves the ring. And with a plan in mind, he drags Bohemoth's leg out of the ring. Reaching up, Rodez slams the leg down on the ring apron, to a growl of pain from the bigman! Leon then rests the leg down, reaches back for the stretcher and forcing the end of it against Bohemoth's kneecap. COLE And now Bohemoth's knee trapped between the apron and the stretcher, with nowhere to go... Keeping the leg trapped all the while, Leon moves around to the front of the stretcher. After one more quick jab, Leon pulls back on the stretcher and SLAMS it against the knee with even more force! Bohemoth shouts out in pain, writhing around but still trapped. Leon waits until he's settled down again before pulling the stretcher back and driving it in a second time! "LE - ON SUCKS!" "LE - ON SUCKS!" "LE - ON SUCKS!" "LE - ON SUCKS!" After a third slamming of the knee Leon lets Bohemoth roll away. Slowly walking back up the steps, a cold look hangs on Leon's face. COLE You can just hear the disappointment and the betrayal in the voices of these OAOAST Marks. And Leon clearly doesn't care at all. COACH About nobody but himself... infact, maybe not even about himself! Leon walks over and kicks Bohemoth, an almost insulting kick. And again. Lashing out, Bohemoth is brushed aside and forced against the middle rope by Leon. With Bo's throat pressed against the rope Leon stands on his back, hanging onto the top rope as he leans back cruelly choking Bo down against the middle. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Jumping down, Rodez stands over Bohemoth for a second before leaving the ring. COACH Looks like he's going for it. Leon pulls Bohemoth outside with him and pulls him along, limping him over to the stretcher. Thrown face-first into the top, Bohemoth is dumped on top of the stretcher, to a worried reaction from the fans. COLE There's step one for Leon. Now, can he drag these 284 pounds up and over the line? Moving around the stretcher Leon pulls... and gets nowhere fast. Getting the 284 pounds moving proves a tough task and just as the stretcher starts wheeling a little more smoothly, Bohemoth rolls over and off it. Leon makes him pay with a kick, then tries to slam Bo's head into the stretcher again... but it's blocked. Two more blocked tries later, Bohemoth elbows Leon in the gut. And grabbing the head, he slams Leon's face into the stretcher! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Leon stumbles backwards, into the barricade. Using the stretcher to rest against, Bohemoth is still hurting and Leon is able to recover. But as he charges Bohemoth, the bigman elevates him up, LEAVING HIM TO DROP CHEST-FIRST INTO THE STRETCHER!!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE OH! That's going to do the ribs no go whatsoever! Mouth wide-open Leon gasps for breath, shocked. Bohemoth sees an opportunity with Leon laid across the stretcher and tries to push for the line. But Leon is simply able to put his hanging feet down, slamming on the brakes. So Bohemoth decides to drag him back to the ring, putting him face-first into the ring apron! Falling to a knee Leon is still winded and gets kicked in the ribs for good measure. COACH It's turning into "who's injury is worse" at the moment. COLE Well neither of these two will leave this match unscathed. If we've learnt anything so far, it's that these two are going to have to punish each other to come out victorious tonight on HeldDOWN. Limping away, Bohemoth climbs up the steps and to the apron. He's prevented from re-entering the ring though, with Leon desperately clung onto his leg. Stepping out from the ropes, Bo manages to kick Leon off. Leon shakes it off though and catches Bohemoth midway into the ring, clipping his leg out from underneath him! COLE And AGAIN, to that knee! Bohemoth bounces off the apron to the arena floor in a heap. As he struggles to pick himself up, Leon walks away, heading for the stretcher again. COACH This is getting pretty desperate, pretty quick. Leant over the stretcher, waiting, Leon's eyes are fixed. Bohemoth manages to get back up, needing the apron for leverage. A glint forms in Leon's eye, this exactly what he wanted. Behind the wheel of the stretcher he rushes forward, aiming the unwielding object directly at the cornered Bohemoth's midsection at top speed... ...but suddenly comes to an abrupt halt! Bohemoth gets his hands out and manages to BLOCK the oncoming stretcher, to Leon's shock!! COLE NO NO! Bohemoth blocking, what incredible power to hold Leon off! Not so much a tug of war, it's more of a push of war as both men force on either side of the stretcher, trying to ram it into the other's stomach. Bohemoth exerts his power and Leon finds himself being backed up. Slowly, but surely. He hangs on, trying with all his might to push back on Bohemoth... before suddenly lurching forward! Bohemoth steps aside, letting Leon's momentum run HIMSELF into the stretcher as it jams against the ring apron! COACH No fair! COLE One of the oldest tricks in the book and it never fails to amuse. Unless you're on the recieving end. And especially when it ends with a stretcher jamming into your ribs. Leon reels around in pain and gets picked up, aimed... AND DROPPED ONTO THE STRETCHER, SPINEBUSTER STYLE!! "YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Another jolt to the ribs and now may be Bohemoth's chance! Urged on by the Lincoln crowd Bohemoth grabs the handle of the stretcher and starts to heave it towards the line. With fewer problems than Leon had earlier, making good speed, apart from his bad knee. Excitement builds in the crowd as Bohemoth gets halfway towards the line, seemingly nothing to stop him. But something does stop him, Leon realising where he is and kicking out, catching Bohemoth in the face with his boot! COACH There's thinking on your... uhm, back. Rodez manages to roll off of the stretcher with Bohemoth groggy. And before the bigman can recover, Leon takes the stretcher and shoves it, slamming right into Bohemoth's hip! "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!" COLE And another resourceful move by Leon there. Clutching his ribs Leon grabs a breather, while Bohemoth falls to one knee again. COLE Boy these two are taking it out of each other. I can think of fourteen other men right now, very happy at what's unfolding this close to the Chi-Town Spectacular. Two of the favourites in that Battlebowl battle royal, being weakened up. Turning away, Leon walks back to ringside and heads around the ring, looking for the steel chair he had earlier. Bohemoth starts to make his way back too, leaning on the stretcher as he does. Leon slides the chair back into the ring as he sees Bohemoth making it to the apron, looking to meet him from the inside. He pulls Bohemoth up onto the apron, giving him a right hand. And a second. Bohemoth teeters, hovering over the stretcher he'd left behind him. Spotting this, Leon delivers another right, trying to drop Bo onto the stretcher. COACH Bo's on the brink. With Bohemoth hanging on by one hand Leon quickly goes for the chair, looking for the one final shot. He swings with the chair... but it's BLOCKED! Bohemoth shoves the chair back at Leon, before blocking a right hand and clotheslining Rodez down from the apron! COLE What a main event, here on HeldDOWN, this is why we're the number one episodic fluctuating timeslot brand in parody sports! COACH Or, something. COLE Exactly. Bohemoth climbs back inside and whips Leon to the ropes. Scoop up and a sideslam, plants Leon, but tests Bohemoth's knee in the process. He limps back up and looks out to the crowd, who respond! Thumbs Up. THUMBS DOWN~! COLE It looks like it's time! All the encouragement he needed, Bohemoth reaches down and goes to pick Leon up... ...AND GETS JAMMED IN THE GUT WITH THE CHAIR!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Leon quickly pulls himself up... *CRACK!* ...and DRILLS Bohemoth across the back with a despairing shot! COACH Leon put everything he had behind that one! Tossing the chair aside, Leon sits on his knees, with Bo on all fours. And Leon gets a look in his eye. A bad look. He lines Bohemoth up, waiting for him to push up onto his knees and turn his way, a sitting target for the ROLLING SOBA... ...NO, DUCKED! COLE No-one home with the kick! Bohemoth snatches Leon by the throat and if looks could kill, he wouldn't need to do any more to Leon than that! Unfortunately, they don't. So Leon manages to kick him in the knee and free himself. Spinning around, Leon lands with the Rolling Sobat, albeit just to the gut. With Bohemoth doubled up, Leon wrings the arm and places his foot against Bohemoth's jaw, before falling back! COLE The Sole Destroyer! Still up but staggered, Bohemoth is measured by Leon, who comes off the ropes. Bohemoth recovers and gets a boot up, only a glancing blow though. Shaking it off, Leon shouts in determination and comes off the ropes again. He charges full speed at Bohemoth, who's fallen against the ropes... and ducks his head... backdropping Leon over the top... *THUD!!* "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" ...AND ALL THE WAY DOWN ONTO THE STRETCHER!!!!!! COLE OH... MY~! "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" Leon lays on the stretcher for a second before it tips, just to add insult to injury. In a heap on the floor he curls up in pain while Bohemoth falls and clutches his knee. COLE Leon Rodez, falling what had to be seven, eight feet over the top, right down onto the stretcher! COACH It's over. It's gotta be after that. COLE If Bohemoth can capitalise, then yes. Looking outside, Bohemoth rolls out of the ring seeing his chance. Still favouring his knee he picks up the stretcher, righting it on his wheels, before dragging Leon up. "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" COLE These fans sensing victory! Bohemoth lifts Leon up and onto the stretcher, with very little resistance. Leon clutches his ribs tightly as Bohemoth gets behind the stretcher, which proves an easier job than pulling it, aiming for the line. COLE Here we go. Bohemoth gets towards the halfway point of the aisle, when suddenly, things come to a stop. Turning around, he notices a camera cable stopping him in his tracks. After a couple of tugs on it he realises it's pulled as far as it will go and curses, realising he's stuck. What he doesn't realise is where the cable is caught, not around the stretcher, but tight in Leon's arms! COLE Wait a minute, do you see that? Leon's got a hold of one of our cables! COACH Brilliant! COLE Leon's managed to wrap up on that cable, a last ditch attempt to save himself from being wheeled away! Unable to find any cable around the wheels or the legs of the stretcher, Bohemoth looks confused. And angry. He pulls on the cables trying to figure out what the problem is, pulling hard enough and angrily enough to bring Leon off the stretcher. COLE I think Bohemoth's just realised what the problem is. Bohemoth has and he takes it out on Leon, stomping away repeatedly against the stretcher. And continuing to stomp until Leon gives up the cable! Eventually the stomps open Leon up and Bohemoth is able to unwrap the cable from around Leon's body, before dumping him back up onto the stretcher. After slamming his head down a couple of times, Bohemoth then heads for the line again. COLE Here goes Bohemoth again, but that minute's pause might have been enough to help Leon recover. As he approaches the line the crowd get louder, Bohemoth just a few metres away... ...when suddenly Leon reaches back and gouges at Bohemoth's eyes! COACH Again! Man, Leon's not giving up without a fight, is he? Leon manages to turn himself over onto his front as he goes for Bohemoth's eyes. Able to shrug it off though, Bohemoth catches Leon with a right hand. Leon is on his knees on the stretcher, leant against Bohemoth, who nails him with another right. And another. And another. COACH Bo's fighting, but if he can't get Leon down on that stretcher, he can't push it, cause he's gonna fall off. As the punches continue, Leon gets desperate and falls forward BITING BOHEMOTH IN THE FOREHEAD!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COLE This is sheer desperation, nothing more! With Bohemoth affected by the desperate tactic, Leon lets go. Unsteady knelt on the edge of the stretcher, he clings onto Bohemoth as he grabs a front facelock. Feeling the stretcher moving underneath him Leon struggles with his balance. But as the stretcher wheels from underneath him, Leon times it perfectly AND JAMS BOHEMOTH INTO THE CONCRETE WITH A FALLING DDT!!!!!!! "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" COLE OH... GOD! "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" "HOLY SHIT!" Bohemoth lays flat out, not moving, with Leon beside him grabbing his ribs. COLE Bohemoth just got SPIKED, head-first, right down onto the concrete! COACH You've got to give it up, another resourceful move from Leon in a tough position. COLE A resourceful move and a sickening outcome, Bohemoth may be knocked out! Wearily, Leon turns over to Bohemoth. He flips Bohemoth onto his back to see if he's conscious, which if he is, it's only barely. Which comes as a relief to Leon at first. But pulling himself to his feet, Leon is forced to trek down the aisle to retrieve the stretcher, which went skidding away in the midst of his DDT. Once he wheels it back over, Leon then looks down at Bohemoth and kneels down to pick him up, only to find him deadweight. COLE Well now all Leon has to do is get Bohemoth onto the stretcher and wheel him these last eight feet across that line. But that may be easier said than done. Leon looks despondent, realising he's still got to lift Bohemoth up, after spending so long trying to put him down. He tries again, with no success and looks about ready to give up. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Shaking his head and not looking at all confident, Leon has to force himself to get down and try again. And this time he manages to just about get Bohemoth up, to his knees anyway, resting him against the stretcher. Taking a deep breath, he heaves Bohemoth up again, to his feet, before exhaustedly rolling him onto the stretcher. COACH That was an effort in itself. And he's still got to push him over the line! COLE But that line isn't far away and this is going to be all over here, surely. Leon takes another moment's rest and recovery, to get the strength to push the stretcher. He struggles to get it going, but manages to eventually, just a short couple of feet away now. Coming to a stop Leon holds his ribs, trying to get himself set for one last effort. He walks around and gets set to drag Bohemoth over the line, first leaning over and saying something in the bigman's ear... ...AND SUDDENLY GETS GRABBED BY THE THROAT!!!! "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" COLE WAIT JUST A MINUTE!! COACH Oh no! Just feet from the line, Bohemoth has Leon in a choke and slides off the stretcher onto his feet! Grabbing hold of Leon's jeans, Bohemoth turns Leon over, onto the stretcher... and over the top of the stretcher! Leon lands on the other side and pops Bo with a desperation right hand. COLE Ooh. Bohemoth is dazed and Leon breathless, both struggling. And both just one big effort from winning. Realising this, Leon sucks it up and takes a run at Bohemoth, vaulting over the stretcher with a crossbody press... NO! CAUGHT! COACH Uh oh! Uh oh! The shock on Leon's face says it all, as Bohemoth sets himself and aims Leon by the stretcher, before swinging him around... ...out... ...and DOWN~! ONTO THE STRETCHER~! "YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Erotic Awakening Of B!! Onto the stretcher! Leon lays splattered on the stretcher and all it takes is one guiding push from Bohemoth, sending the stretcher the last couple of feet AND OVER THE LINE, SIGNALLING THE END OF THE MATCH!!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" COLE It's over! It's over! Bohemoth wins the Stretcher Match!! *DINGDINGDING!* The stretcher rolls to a stop, Leon still laid to waste across it as Bohemoth's hand is raised in victory. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of this match... "THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER"... BBOOOOOOOOO - HHHHEEEEEEMMMOOOOOTTHHHHH!!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Falling to a knee, Bohemoth feels the effects of the match despite the win, a grimace on his face. COLE Finally, some measure of revenge has been gained for Bohemoth! And now, he can look forward to next week in Chicago, in whatever condition he can get himself in, to challenge for Battlebowl! COACH If he can get into condition. He might be there. So might Leon. But for sure, neither of them will be 100% after tonight. COLE But for now Bohemoth won't care about that. Vindication and retribution tonight... Leon Rodez takes the stretcher ride, Bohemoth takes the wave of momentum to Chicago! Bohemoth picks himself back up and lets out an intense victory shout, arms raised, as Leon lies behind him; stretchered. FADE OUT.

PRESENTED IN HD FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- We're brought right to Sofa Central home of Da Coach and Michael Cole, each wearing their trademarked purple polos. DING DING DING! COLE Welcome to OAOAST HeldDOWN! We're gonna start the action with a red hot match! BUFFER The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from the southside of Minneapolis, Minnesota, weighing in at an even two hundred pounds…Nathan Baumgarten! A young man in tattered clothing and shoulder-length hair covering his face briefly raises his hand as his name is announced. BUFFER His opponent…from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at two hundred seventy-five pounds…Tommy G.! COLE Tommy G. coming off of a big win over Todd Cortez. Let’s see how the young rookie from Minneapolis fares against him tonight. COACH This “young rookie” looks like a lowlife. DING DING! Lockup. Kick to the mid-section by Tommy G. Club to the back of the neck. Baumgarten goes to the mat. Tommy G. drops three quick knees to the neck and brings Baumgarten back to his feet. Irish whip into the corner. G. charges and delivers a spinning back elbow. Baumgarten falls to the mat. G. jumps to the top turnbuckle. Baumgarten slowly gets up and turns to face G., who jumps and executes a tornado DDT. COLE Tommy Gun! 1 2 3 DING DING DING! BUFFER The winner of this match…Tommy G.! Tommy G. picks up Baumgarten and throws him over the top rope to the outside. TOMMY G. (Give me the stick!) That overgrown ragamuffin on the floor right there was only a little easier to beat than Todd Cortez was. If this is the best that OAOAST has to offer, it’s going to be an easy climb to the top. The climb on the ladder made out of Cortez’s bones. VOICE HEY! Todd Cortez comes out onto the entrance ramp. TODD CORTEZ You will not marginalize me that way! You think you’re some kind of tough guy? Why, because you worked as some kind of low level enforcer for a small time loanshark? Or maybe you were at a bouncer at some night club? You son of a bitch, you will not marginalize me! I am the Urban Legend! Next week, I want a street fight match with you! Tell me you accept! Tell me! TOMMY G. Ha ha ha! You want a street fight with me? Of course I accept. In fact, let’s start right now! Tommy G. slides out of the ring and charges Cortez, who runs toward the ring. Eleven men in black shirts jump from the sides of the ramp, block the path of the men. COLE The OAOAST has been beefing up security in light of recent events! And next week we apparently have a street fight! COACH We might have one right now! The camera closes in on both wrestlers’ faces, snarling while being restrained by security. COLE Security has the situation well in hand. What turmoil Tommy G. has causes since coming to OAOAST!

As we return from commercial break the much detested world champion, Theodore Moneymaker stands proudly in the ring. MONEYMAKER All great thinkers are said to be mad men in their time. I have been labeled everything from a narrow minded fool to a tyrant bordering on insane. I am neither a fool nor am I a tyrant. I am a man with unbreakable intellect and a kind giver of peace. I did not win this world title to do anyone person or thing harm, I have not pursued Krista all these years to cause her undue misery and anguish. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” MONEYMAKER I have chased Krista across this country…no across this very world for one reason and one reason alone. To fulfill my destiny. The destiny of the very world. Often times it may seem like the way I go after Krista is rooted in bigotry, hatred, and revenge. But the reality is its rooted in my need to satisfy fate. Every action I make is dedicated to one purpose, to ascend to the throne of the Moneymaker empire. The earth turns, people move and grow old, new lives are given, old ones are taken, but my goal remains the same! To be the king of my empire is a great responsibility. Because it is he and he alone, who models true greatness to his subjects! I posses greatness in voice, intellect and athletic ability. That is the SOLE reason I own this OAOAST World Title! “BOOOOOOO!” MONEYMAKER But behind every good man is a good woman! My good woman is the generously endowed Krista Isadora Duncan. This good man plans on getting behind that good woman a feat all of you are only able to dream of. BWAHHHHHAHHAAA! Yes, I must shed her blood, and it her in ways a husband can’t legally due to his wife. But to claim her as my trophy wife and have exclusive rights to her ample assets I will cross the very driest of deserts! Krista does not understand the simple beauty of this match. Her loss is still her win, she is free from her curse and her damned lesbian lifestyle. Better yet she forms with me the smartest and most successful couple in the history of this nation! “BOOOOOOO!” MONEYMAKER The Obamas? Liberal, radical, anti-Americans. Krista Moneymaker and Theodore Moneymaker? America’s true first family! “YEAAAAAAAAAA!” The fans aren’t thrilled with Moneymaker’s bravado, but they’re most certainly thrilled with the appearance of Krista. Leaping over the guardrail in spite of the bandages she wears on her shoulder, the fitness queen sports a hellish look. Into the ring she slides, where Moneymaker’s face sags with horror. He makes a hasty attempt to escape, but is his retreat is ended with a furious spear from Krista! COACH How the hell did she get here!? With her one good shoulder, Krista rains down elbows onto the beleaguered world champion. COLE I don’t know how she got here, I’m just glad she’s giving it to Moneymaker! Krista’s furious assault is halted by the arrival of backstage officials, desperate to separate the two sworn enemies. “LET THEM FIGHT! LET THEM FIGHT! LET THEM FIGHT!” With miraculous effort, the officials are finally able to break apart the warring superstars. Moneymaker, hiding behind Randy Savage and his cousin Tony Brannigan, blows kisses to Krista. Infuriated by this gesture Krista tries to break free of Jesse Ventura and Terry Taylor. However, her badly injured shoulder does not permit her such an action. COLE The first blood match between these two is going to be out of control! COMING UP NEXT! STRETCHER MATCH BOHEMOTH VS LEON RODEZ TONIGHT! COMMERCIAL

CHI-TOWN SPECTACULAR THE WINDY CITY IS ON FIRE ONCE AGAIN! FIRST BLOOD MATCH OAOAST WORLD TITLE Krista Isadora Duncan Vs Theodore Moneymaker Battlebowl battle royal Retirement match, No Holds Barred, no time limit, no interference Alfdogg vs Reject The LDC Moneygang & V.I.C.E. vs. Team Heyross & The Orange County Cobras French New Wave Vs Lorelei DeCenzo and Morgan Nerdly NEXT WEEK! JULY 31st! COMMERCIAL

COLE Molly Nerdly has been busy again this week. She's given us a special director's cut of one of her film projects, as she spent the day with Cucaracha Internacional. THE OAOAST: AN INTERNACIONAL WORKPLACE An internal look at OAOAST business By Molly Nerdly In a presumably borrowed business room at one of the OAOAST's weekly visits, Cucaracha Internacional are sat lined down a table. At the front of the room stands Landon Maddix, SWF ICTV OAOAST 8-Man Tag Team Title over his shoulder. MADDIX I've called you all together today, because today is a special day. It's officially been a year and a half, give or take a few days, since we joined up and former Cucaracha Internacional. Now lately, we've been doing well for ourselves. We've got our brand new 8-Man Tag Team Titles and we're finally showing people what we're capable of. We're finally working like a unit. But, we can't get complacent. As a team, we should always be wanting more. More success. More accolades. More money. More, more, more. So, I feel that today is as good a day as ever to conduct a performance evaluation. Black and Blonde look confused. Faqu looks... well, he's chewing on something and not paying attention. BLACK Evaluation? MADDIX It's nothing to worry about Nat, relax. BLONDE (looking around) Is Todd not in on this, or something? MADDIX We will all be getting evaluated. We're a team, right? A unit? All parts equal? Trust me, nobody will be getting any special treatment from me. ~~~~~ Cut to Landon, pacing, on a cellphone. MADDIX Well, listen... no, no, it's nothing important, it's just a quick performance review, I... oh, well, how far away are you... can you not... no it's okay, I understand Todd, I... yeah, well, okay, to condense it down to the bottom line, much improved and again, I want to officially thank you for seeing what I've been trying to convince you of for so lo... oh... oh, okay... no, I completely understand, you, you go, you go, we'll talk another time, no sweat. Hanging up the phone, Landon turns to camera with a sheepish smile. MADDIX He was busy. ~~~~~ Cut to Landon at a commandeered desk. Sat on the other side is a thoroughly disinterested Nathaniel Black. MADDIX Now, don't worry, this is just a casual chat. Nobody's on trial here! (laughs) All good energy. Uhm, let's see. Well, I can't fault your work effort or your contribution to the cause. Every group needs someone to carry the workload. The organ grinder. The carthorse. Someone who's not concerned with hogging the spotlight and being the star. That's you right there Nat. BLACK Cheers, I guess. MADDIX I do have one minor constructive criticism to bring up. Just a small thing. So I don't want you to take this the wrong way. We're all friends here. It's just sometimes, you can be a little confrontational Nat. BLACK Confrontational? -*bleep*- off mate! And quit bloody callin' me Nat would yeh? MADDIX See that's kinda what I'm talking about right there. Black rolls his eyes and folds his arms. ~~~~~ MADDIX (to camera) Nat can be... a little grouchy sometimes. I think it's an English thing. But I know how to handle him. A good leader understands the complexities of his team. Nelson had to deal with all sorts. ~~~~~ Cut to Landon, now with Faqu sat in front of him. The Samoan fidgets in his seat, distracted by... well, seemingly everything around him. MADDIX ...you're doing fine. ~~~~~ Cut to later, with Megan now in the hotseat. MEGAN So, did you get anything out of this idea of yours? MADDIX I feel it's been very constructive, yes. You've got to have accountability in a team. If one part of the unit doesn't pull their weight, the whole thing falls apart. I need these guys to feel responsible. Responsible for the success and responsible for their role in keeping things going. And I think we're getting somewhere. So, let's get started, shall we? MEGAN Wait, you're evaluating me? MADDIX Of course! You heard me earlier, we'll all be evaluated. And last I checked you're a part of the team, so let's do this. But, before we get started, don't even think of trying to seduce me to get a good review. Let's keep this strictly professional. Clearly a jokey comment, Megan doesn't see the funny side, still amazed at the fact she's being evaluated and staring at Landon like he's lost his mind. ~~~~~ MADDIX (to camera) I jus... I just can't tolerate disloyalty. Even when it's from someone I'm 'involved' with. Actually, no, especially from someone I'm 'involved' with. Megan needs to realise, she's not getting a free ride. Not from me. You play favourites with your piece of skirt and VOOM, there's uproar. And I won't have anyone accusing me of nepotism. ~~~~~ MADDIX Okay. We've known each other for about six years now, so I think we both know each other about as well as we could. And I wouldn't swap that for the world. I mean, if I did replace you, think of what I'd be missing out on. You know how I like my coffee, what to avoid ordering in my sandwiches, my favourite fabric softener... quite frankly, you're invaluable. But, I feel like sometimes, you could be a little more supportive. MEGAN ...excuse me? MADDIX Well, just... how to put this delicately... you're prone to mood swings. And don't take that the wrong way, because that would prove my point. You know, I have all these great ideas, like this evaluation and you seem really enthusiastic. Then I say something or do something and suddenly you're throwing a hissy. Or you go all 'deadpan' and suddenly everything's a cause for saying something sarcastic. MEGAN Usually when you say or do something. MADDIX Exactly! And I don't understand it and it's not helpful. And then other times, I feel that you let our relationship get in the way of business. We have to stay professional. No matter what our urges. MEGAN Like the time you suggested we sneak away for a quickie while we were approving t-shirt designs? MADDIX (laughing nervously) I'm sorry... did... did I pass out and suddenly this is my evaluation? Can we just... stay on topic here please? Hehheh... ~~~~~ MEGAN (to camera) Sometimes, I dream that I'm choking him. ~~~~~ Cut to the desk again and the final evaluee, a confident James Blonde. BLONDE I just want to say, what an honour it's been to learn and develop under you. These past eighteen months have been some of the best of my entire life. You took this humble Canadian journeyman and you turned him into a champion. You did that! You gave me the confidence to be myself, the Trendsetter. All those years I spent in OAOVW, learning under people like Anglesault, like Tony Brannigan, like Zack Malibu. They could all learn a little something from you. I know I have. MADDIX (trying to act humble) Well... give me a second to write that down, I've got to put that on my resumé... BLONDE It's all true. And the best is yet to come, I know it. MADDIX Well I feel the same way. This group relies on unity and loyalty and I've never had a problem with you on that front. BLONDE Never will, boss. MADDIX I see that potential in you. It's true. It's like... I have a gift for seeing talent. And yours is shining bright. I couldn't ignore it and soon, nobody will be able to. BLONDE (lost for words) I... can't tell you how much it means hearing that from you. MOLLY (off camera) Oh God, cut! ~~~~~ MEGAN (to camera) What do I think of Landon? ~~~~~~ BLACK (to camera) He's an idiot. But, who ain't 'round 'ere? He's a successful idiot, that's what counts, innit? ~~~~~~ BLONDE (to camera) Landon is everything I aspire to be. ~~~~~~ MEGAN (to camera) My father had a saying. "If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous." He said it to me the very first time he met Landon actually. He was a good judge of character, my father. ~~~~~ FAQU *stares at camera* COACH You know something, Mikey, that Landon is a good person and a consummate business man. COLE Is that why the SWF went out of business? COACH No need for that kind of negativity. No need whatsoever. COMMERCIAL

COLE Folks, during the commercial break, Krista Isadora Duncan was rushed to a local hospital after sustaining serious injuries from a snake attack. DURING COMMERCIAL Several of Krista's friends (aka all the face Nerdly girls and Terry Taylor) gather around the ambulance as Krista is loaded into it. Alix and Ned stay close with Maya. MAYA Thanks for being there, dad. NED Yeah, well. You know... MAYA How's your knee? NED I'll live. MAYA Will mom? NED Of course she will. If I dating me didn't do your mom in, nothing will. We come back from commercial straight to the tumbler, where Josh is opening a plastic container. JOSH First participant will be..."SWEET" LUCIUS SOUL! Lucius makes his way out of the dressing room and heads out. JOSH His partner... Josh opens another container, and opens the paper. JOSH One of the Last Kings of Scotland, SCOTTISH SCOTT! COACH Two of the Queen's Men paired together! JOSH And now their opponents! COLE And this will be our last Battlebowl match, just for the record! JOSH From Panic at the Disco, VINNY VALENTINE! COLE And Vinny's partner, Biff Atlas, has already qualified! Wouldn't it be something if both members of Panic at the Disco made it to the finals? JOSH His partner will be the bodyguard for the Deadly Alliance, ARTURAS! COACH Wow! You gotta love those chances now, Cole! COLE We've already seen Thunderkid and Mr. Dick both qualify, Arturas would make three from the Deadly Alliance! COACH It should be four, but Reject didn't get there, thanks to Alfdogg! Cut to the ring, where Lucius is hammering away on Vinny, while Reject gives instructions to Arturas from the aisle. Vinny is bounced from the ring, as Arturas joins the frey. He climbs in, and Scott and Lucius attempt a double clothesline...but when they hit him, they go right past him and stop, their hands never even separating! COLE Look at that! COACH It's like trying to clothesline a redwood! Arturas looks at the two men trying to bring him down for a couple seconds, then wraps an arm around each, bringing them to the front, and ramming their heads together! He then takes down Lucius with a MAFIA KICK~! COLE Arturas dominating in there, big kick! He then whips Scott into the ropes, and catches him with a BIG powerslam! He then holds his arm out in a hook shake, waiting for Lucius to get to his feet. COACH Russian sickle time! COLE It looks like Arturas is going to do it all by himself in there! Lucius gets to his feet, and Arturas levels him with a RUSSIAN SICKLE~! Lucius does a backwards somersault on the mat. Arturas then levels Scott with a RUSSIAN SICKLE~! as well, turning him for a backflip with a half turn! COLE Look at those clotheslines, those Russian sickles! Arturas drops to one knee, and covers Scott with one hand... 1... 2... 3!!! *DING DING DING* COACH He did it! Vinny's going to Battlebowl! COLE Oh please, it was Arturas who did all the work! BUFFER The winners of the match...the team of VINNY VALENTINE, and ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Vinny jumps up and down and celebrates as Arturas gives a blank stare into the crowd, before raising his arms. COACH But how about this Cole...Team Heyross! The Orange County Cobras! The Heavenly Rockers! The Moneygang! None of those teams could make it intact, but Panic at the Disco, Biff and Vinny...they're both going to the finals! COLE Well, anything can happen as a result of Battlebowl! Of course, the tag team champions, as well as the #1 contenders in the Moneygang, both had the misfortune of being drawn as opponents! And of course, V.I.C.E. will be represented by both of its members as well, with CPA qualifying earlier tonight! Suddenly, Cole and Coach are practically ambushed by Tony Tourettes, who puts on a headset and puts his arms around them. TONY WE DID IT! I TOLD BOTH YOU DIRTY FUCKERS! VINNY DIDN'T DO SHIT, IT WAS ALL THAT BIG BALD ASSHOLE, BUT HE MADE IT! WE STOMPED THEIR BIG, FAT VAGINAS! WE'RE GONN... Tony reaches back and grabs a fan's bucket of popcorn, eating a handful and tossing the rest of the bucket up in the air, with it all landing on Tony, Cole and Coach. He then grabs two Cokes from the crowd, raises them up in the air, and smashes them together, causing them to explode on all three men. Tony then lets out a big yell, before being pulled away by Vinny. COLE Well, hopefully we can get someone out here to clean things up during our next break, but first, we've got to talk about the Battlebowl finals, we've got a whole field set now, and here's the rundown! Thunderkid, Bohemoth, Logan Mann, Tango Bosley, Biff Atlas, Colombian Heat, Mr. Dick, Baron Windels, Denzel Spencer, Charlie Moss, Colin Maguire Jr., Leon Rodez, J-MAX, CPA, and the "team" we just saw, Vinny Valentine and Arturas, and I use quotations because that match was all the big man, Vinny did nothing out there! COACH But he got to Battlebowl! COLE That he did. We've had a lot of upsets, notably, Zack Malibu, Alfdogg, Reject all in qualifying matches, but did not advance, but we do have some big names in there, most notably, I believe, Leon Rodez and Bohemoth, set to meet in a stretcher match, will also both be competing in this battle royal! The Enterprise will send four members, Logan Mann, CMJ, as well as both members of V.I.C.E., CPA and Bosley! The Deadly Alliance will be represented by three men, Thunderkid, Mr. Dick, and of course Arturas who we just saw! Coach, do you have a prediction? COACH Well...we haven't seen the big man against the best competition as of yet, I want to see what he does in there with some of those bigger names! COLE Could you imagine Arturas coming face-to-face with Bohemoth? COACH Wow! COLE It's coming a week from tonight, the finals of Battlebowl at the Chi-Town Spectacular! TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT! STRETCHER MATCH BOHEMOTH VS LEON RODEZ TONIGHT! COMMERCIAL

In the backstage hallway in front of the Duncan Girls' dressing room we find ALIX MARIA SPEZIA holding...a pregnancy test? At her side is MAYA DUNCAN BLANCHARD looking slightly perturbed over her father's unfortunate loss. ALIX Viola! You are going to have a new baby boy/girl/transsexual/asexual possibly humanoid sibling! MAYA Alix, what are you even talking about? ALIX I’m talking about this pregnancy test, silly! MAYA You’re pregnant?! Mom said there should be laws forbidding you from reproducing. ALIX Silly girl, the state legislature passed that law five years ago. Your mommy is pregnant, just look at this pregnancy test. MAYA How is that even possible? Mom hates men. She once tried to organize another million man march with a silent “into a concentration camp” at the end. ALIX Then its gotta be the curse! Your mom is infested with Beelzebub’s spawn! She carries with her hell’s emissary to earth. Her womb is filled with the vile beast that will destroy all of mankind! Pretty cool, huh? MAYA No pretty not cool. Are you sure about this? Great Amir said nothing about pregnancy. How’d you even get mom to submit to a pregnancy test? ALIX Submit? Watchu talking ‘bout, homegirl? I just asked it if your mom was pregnant and it answered back! How else is a pregnancy test supposed to work? What are they teaching you in sex ed besides how to get freaky with a girl in the bathroom of Denny's without the manager noticing. "AHHHHHHHHHH!" Maya immediately becomes alarmed and bursts through the door. Alix decides there's no communist trickery evolved and follows through. What they find is the most disturbing sight of Krista Isadora Duncan crying in pain and clutching her bleeding shoulder. She lies on the floor barely able to move from the horrific agony that assails her. The culprit of her pain? A rattle snake that slithers on the floor, looking as vile and evil as anything before it.. MAYA (shouting down the hall way) We need medical help! Alix manages to drag Krista away from the venomous beast, comforting her and still protecting her. None of this does much to ease Krista's pain and she continues to cry and scream. Hobbling into the room with a long broom stick is Maya's father Ned Blanchard. Ned succeeds in expertly lifting the deadly serpent onto his stick, but the damage to Krista has been done. COLE This can't be good. COMMERCIAL

We return from break to the backstage area where Josh and Maggie are with the eager possible Battlebowl praticipants JOSH All eyes are on the Chi-Town Spectacular next week, sight of the Battlebowl battle royal to determine the number one contender to the OAOAST World Title at AngleSlam. And right now, we're ready for another Battlebowl tag team match. Maggie hands over the first ball. JOSH And our first participant... CONQUISTADOR UNO! "Creeps" by Fedde Le Grand plays and out heads Conquistador Uno, offering up an ominious chant to the skies before he walks to the ring. COACH I hope the ref checks this is actually Uno. JOSH And his tag team partner will be... one half of the Orange County Cobras, NED BLANCHARD! "YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" COLE Ned Blanchard, in what shape we're not sure. COACH (bitter) Well he won't be walking with a cane after last week, we know that much. A warm greeting awaits Ned as he enters, with a noticeable limp in his step but clearly closer to 100% than before. Ned climbs into the ring and gets right into Uno's face, cussing out the masked/face painted/tattooed (did we clear that up yet?) Conquistador. Ned then scales the turnbuckles and fires up the fans. JOSH Their opponents... first up, the new masked sensation, J-MAX! COACH Jamie O'Hara. Mask and all, The Birmingham Bad Boy appears and jogs to the ring, tumbling in over the bottom rope in impressive style. COLE And I'm sure as well as the AngleSlam title shot, J-MAX... COACH Jamie O'Hara. COLE ...will have half an eye on a certain person in that battle royal, if he can make it there, Logan Mann. JOSH And his partner is half of V.I.C.E, CPA! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" That quickly gets Ned's attention and a smile on his face, as CPA marches out. The big muscle of V.I.C.E throws some shadow punches, which don't intimidate Ned whatsoever, waving him to the ring. COLE CPA and Ned Blanchard will be on opposite sides tonight and opposite sides next week in Chicago in an eight man tag team match, featuring VICE and The LDC Moneygang taking on The Cobras and Team Heyross. But only one of them will be pulling double duty in the Battlebowl battle royal. CPA climbs to the apron... and he stays there. Ned calls him into the ring, but CPA arrogantly points to an imaginary watch, saying all in good time. So Ned leaves as well, slapping Uno on the chest, almost knocking him off his feet with his offer of 'good luck'. *DINGDINGDING!* J-MAX and Uno circle. They go to lock up and J-MAX quickly turns it into a hammerlock, surprising Uno. Uno looks for an escape and tries to roll out, but J-MAX rolls through with him and maintains the hold. Spinning him around, J-MAX then takes Uno over with an armdrag. A high dropkick connects, followed with a Standing Moonsault... 1... 2... No! COLE This crowd, electrified by J-MAX every time he steps into the ring. COACH He's only had one match Michael. Unless, of course, he's JAMIE O'HARA! COLE Have you ever thought of becoming a detective? Barring the arm J-MAX keeps control of Uno, until the Conquistador reaches up and rakes at the mask and with it the eyes. Uno gets up and drives the point of the elbow into J-MAX's neck repeatedly, before summouning some greater powers. NED Ned tags himself in, interrupting Uno's chant, which doesn't go down well. But Ned just tells him to take a hike. COACH Yeah, great teamwork Ned. Ned comes in and quickly sends J-MAX to the ropes. J-MAX ducks underneath an elbow, but Ned recovers and goes for a hiptoss... only for J-MAX to land on his feet and execute a monkey flip! Rolling into a corner Ned shakes it off and when J-MAX attempts another monkey flip, he counters with a shove. J-MAX manages to moonsault over onto his feet though. He tries to catch Ned walking out of the corner with a spinning wheel kick, but gets caught and flipped backwards, stomach first across the top rope! "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!" Reprimanded by the ref Ned apologises and backs away... surprising CPA with a right hand, knocking him off the apron!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COACH Now that's just uncalled for! Ned cusses CPA out and before the pissed gun for hire can get in, the referee steps in between. While this is going on, Uno runs at J-MAX, but gets kicked off the apron. J-MAX waits for Ned to turn around and then catches him with a Springboard Missile Dropkick!! 1... 2... No! Off the ropes, J-MAX goes over Ned AND WIPES OUT CONQUISTADOR UNO WITH A SURPRISE SOMERSAULT DIVE!!!!! COLE J-MAX TAKES FLIGHT!! Ned gets up and looks around in confusion, allowing CPA to sneak in and strike with a clothesline! The referee orders CPA out of the ring as he's not the legal man, risking the wrath of the bigman. Not seeing any of this, J-MAX slides back into the ring and with Ned down, nails a standing corkscrew splash!! 1... 2... Kickout! Ordering a tag, CPA gets it from his masked partner. Cracking his knuckles the bigman steps in and stands over Ned, slowly picking him back up. COACH And this is what CPA wants, a shot at the man who cost him the Tag Team Titles. COLE He'll get that and a lot more next week in that big eight man tag. CPA loads up his fist and nails Ned with a big right hand. Ned is staggered, barely staying on his feet. His reward for doing so, another hard right hand. Ned falls against the ropes but earns the cheers of the crowd as he DARES CPA to hit him again. Which he does, hard enough to send Ned sprawling to the mat. COLE Ned showing some heart and some guts, the kind of heart and guts we doubted he actually had in the days of the New, New Midnight Express. A man with plenty to prove. COACH And he's not going to prove it trying to punch it out with CPA. Whipped to the ropes, Ned is picked up and FLUNG down with a Front Spinebuster! CPA stands over Blanchard and pins him down with one foot... 1... Kickout by Ned, who SPITS up at CPA, earning him an elbowdrop. "LET'S GO NED!" "LET'S GO NED!" "LET'S GO NED!" "LET'S GO NED!" CPA pulls Ned up by the hair, throwing him into the turnbuckles. He smashes Ned with a back elbow and then a second, leaving him hurt in the corner. With a smile on his face CPA walks to the opposite corner. And as the smile disappears, he runs at Ned with an Avalanche... THAT MISSES! CPA is winded and Ned starts to unload with right hands in the corner, before stomping CPA down and walking a hole of some description in his chest! COLE And Ned taking it to CPA, with a vengeance, look at this! Waving CPA back up, Ned delivers a clothesline in the corner. Pulling CPA out he then sets him up, looking for the Slingshot Suplex, but can't get CPA up. COACH Way too big. Ned tries again but CPA continues to block. Before suddenly picking Ned up in the suplex and throwing him forward, face-first to the mat! Holding his ribs, Ned is then laid out with a BIG boot to the face as he stands back up! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Cover by CPA... 1... 2... Kickout! Climbing up, CPA watches as Ned struggles to his feet. Allen smirks and balls up his fist, coming off the ropes. As Ned turns around CPA throws the big Gigaton Punch... but MISSES! Ned catches onto CPA and pulls him down with a backslide! 1... 2... No! Ned grabs CPA's legs and tries for the Stungun, but a double sledge to the back fends him off. Coming off the ropes again, CPA is caught with a back elbow, cutting him off. Turning on his heels it's Ned off the ropes this time. CPA catches him and lifts him up for another Spinebuster, but Ned escapes as CPA had, with a double axe. As he lands Ned hooks CPA up again for the suplex and turns him towards the ropes. But suddenly, he collapses in a heap, his knee clipped at the side by CPA! COLE Oh, right to the knee and Ned is in a lot of pain! COACH Looks like Ned'll be ordering a new walking cane from Grandma's World tommorrow after all. In pain Ned rolls away from CPA, who gives him a helping nudge with the foot to get him to the corner. Which allows Uno to tag in. No concern to CPA, who watches Uno run in at him and casually raises a boot for him to run into! COLE Uno not learning from Ned's mistakes. CPA drags Uno back up, roughly putting him into a gutwrench and lifting him up for the DOMINATOR!!!! COACH Haha, wow. CPA just smushed Uno in about five seconds. Strolling to his corner, CPA surprises everybody by tagging out of the ring, including his partner. The bigman looks on from the arena floor and lights up a VICTORY CIGAR, in full view of Ned, who looks on in a heap on the ring apron. Meanwhile, J-MAX drags Uno's lifeless body towards the corner. Climbing to the top, the masked superstar sets himself and finishes Uno off with a SHOOTING STAR LEGDROP!!!! COLE Taking it to the MAX~! 1... 2... 3!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* With a satisfied puff of his cigar CPA turns and leaves, with J-MAX left to take the plaudits and have his hand raised. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winners, advancing to the Battlebowl battle royal... CPA and J - MAX!!!!!!! J-MAX is cheered most of the crowd, those who aren't down the aisle and getting on CPA's case. Cursing up a storm Ned continues to clutch his knee, although the cursing seems more in anger than pain. COLE Two more qualify for next week in Chicago, J-MAX on a real roll and CPA, who's partner Detective Bosley is going to be there in the field too. Could that prove to be a difference maker? COACH I can't see how it won't. Bosley's the alpha male, the big dog, the hunter. And CPA, everyone's afraid of the big black man. But together, they're even more dangerous. And they don't even have to worry about pulling double duty, it's going to be four on three judging by the shape Ned's in right now! COLE Oh I think Ned will be ready for Chicago, don't worry about that. COACH Yeah, but in what shape?

Backstage MORGAN NERDLY walks with LORELEI DECENZO LORELEI I'm not one for strategy sessions, but frankly I won't risk loosing to Sophie and Molly again. The shame...it would be unbearable! I would let myself down, Teddy, Collin, Christian, Spencer. The whole Enterprise could be ruined by a loss to those two awful girls. I can't stand them. Morgan grabs onto Lorelei's neck and shoves her against the wall. LORELEI Morgan! What are you doing? MORGAN Not Morgan. Emily. LORELEI Morgan... MORGAN Emily! The one who had to protect Morgan when her uncle used to throw beer bottles at when he was supposed to be healping with her "treatment", the one that watched her aunt choke her because she thought she was evil. I'm Emily, I'm the one who watches Morgan get killed by people like you! LORELEI Morgan....you are....my...friend. MORGAN No! You and everyone else make her your punching bag. Morgan doesn't want to think so but I know the truth. LORELEI I....I...have...looked out for you Morgan! I have cared for you not like a sister, but like a mother! MORGAN You've abused her just like everyone else! LORELEI I've done more than "Emily" has ever done Morgan. I care about you! I'm sorry that Emily is too blind to see what I've done. She's the bad one. Emily will only hurt you. I can protect you! MORGAN I saw Morgan take punch after punch from school kids that called her a freak! I was the only one who defended her when she stabbed that sixth grader! It was all Emily! LORELEI Emily...is...a...lie...Morgan. My caring and compassion is what's real. Believe me. In your heart you know that I'm the one that can shield you from all the pain and hurt. Morgan takes a second to collect her thoughts as Lorelei struggles nervously in her grasp. Finally Morgan releases Lorelei and her friend slumps down to the floor, coughing and wheezing. MORGAN (sobbing) I'm sorry. TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT! STRETCHER MATCH BOHEMOTH VS LEON RODEZ TONIGHT! COMMERCIAL

Damn, I did the same thing and I'm the world title feud :(

From Lincoln, NE which I suppose is possibly a little bit better than North Arkansas. Just a little bit.

Yo my fault, b. The club was ACTIVE last night, bottles were poppin, bitches was grindin, and dudes were dancin with dudes bros over hoes you know. So I'll start posting today, so if anyone has any segments not turned in (TONY THIS MEANS YOU) then now is the time!

*also raises hand!*

This my good friends was a very entertaining show!

OAOAST World Title First blood match Krista Isadora Duncan Vs World champion Theodore Moneymaker People writing the battlebowl, does the world title match come before the battlebowl or after it. I've never actually been around when we did a battlebowl!

Ay, vice president, CMJ is now James Pine aka Captain Kirk, I figured that make sense being CMJ is in The Enterprise after all. Very enjoyable movie by the way. Anyway, I had to change because the only picture of Birdman standing up and not dunking or blocking is pixelated as hell.

Back we go, to the drawing room, which is like any other room, except with a tumbler. JOSH Okay, Battlebowl match upcoming, let's pick our next four names Maggie. Maggie hands Josh the first ball. JOSH First up, we have... The King Of The Mardi Gras himself, RICO DE JANEIRO! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" "Right Round" by Flo Rida plays as Rico, having left Lucius behind with a high-five back in the locker rooms, emerges with Queen Esther in tow sprinkling fairy dust (glitter, $.59 a pot) over her man. Rico strokes the 'tache at two lovely looking ladies in the crowd as he enters the ring. JOSH And Rico's tag team partner will be... one half of the LDC Moneygang, SPENCER REIGER! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Spencer leaves with a smug look on his face, patted on the back by Colin Maguire Jr. COLE Two graduates of the WORLD REKNOWNED OAOVW training facility to team together here. COACH And if you're interested in training to be a wrestler, send a cheque for $50,000 to "The Coach", PO Box... COLE Fans, please do not send The Coach any money. Ever. Boos ring out as Spencer strolls to the ring proclaiming victory. Teasing at his hair, he flicks some excess hair gel at the unlucky fan at the end of the aisle before sliding into the ring. And despite an odd look at Rico, he shakes his hand. Queen Esther tries to go through some kind of welcome ritual with her wand, but Spencer is busy cussing out fans, cruel words for her sweet ears. JOSH Okay and on team number two we have... uh-oh... well, I don't think Spencer's going to like this, it's the other half of the LDC Moneygang, COLIN MAGUIRE JUNIOR!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" The crowd cheer, not for Colin, but for Spencer flipping out in the ring. And for Colin's look of amazement backstage. COLE OH MY! The number one contenders to the Tag Team Titles are going to be pitted against each other! COACH Wait, this can't happen! This isn't right! COLE Hey, that's Battlebowl! We've seen partners against each other, teams reunited, it's the luck of the draw. And the luck of the Irish has not come to pass for CMJ. First a makeover from a teenage girl, a woman who thinks she's in a fairytale, and an egomanic uncompromising boss and now this. After a long wait, Colin comes out with his hands on his hips and shaking his head. QUEEN ESTHER My prince! COLE I'm in control, my worries are few. 'Cause I've got love like I never knew. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I got a new attitude! COACH Don't mock him in his time of suffering! Neither he or Spencer are happy and the crowd are loving it. Collin's mood continues to worsen when Spencer tries to cheer him up by complimenting his new look Back in the drawing room, the next name brings down both Josh and Maggie's mood. JOSH And joining him... former OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion... LEON RODEZ. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" COLE Oh boy. "Oh (hey!), I've been travelin' on this road too long Just tryin' to find my way back home But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone And oh (hey!), I've been travelin' on this road too long Just tryin' to find my way back home But the old me's dead and gone Dead and gone, dead and gone..." The opening to "Dead And Gone" by T.I. fades into "Numb" by Linkin Park. Stalking out into a sea of boos, Leon Rodez scowls. At the crowd, at the match, at life basically. And the fact his ribs are still taped up under his ring gear. Leon slowly walks to the ring scowling at the crowd as Rico, Spencer and Colin all look on. "I'VE BECOME SO NUMB I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE BECOME SO TIRED SO MUCH MORE AWARE! I'M BECOMING THIS ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE MORE LIKE ME AND BE LESS LIKE YOU!" Leon climbs up the steps and looks at the three in the ring with the same contempt he does everyone else. COLE Well here's the real wildcard of Battlebowl. Much as Colin didn't want to be drawn against Spencer, nobody wanted to be drawn as Leon Rodez's partner. How are you possibly going to get along with someone as bitter and uncaring as him? COACH I don't know. But I do know, Leon wants the World Title back. And getting through this match gets him a step closer. COLE And Leon, last week, perpatrator of that assault on Bohemoth. We know that Bohemoth is not here tonight, but we've got an announcement coming up later on in the show regarding what happened, so stay tuned for that. Leon stands on the apron and Colin approaches him. The Irishman tries to strike up some conversation but Leon just stares back at him blankly, as if he weren't there. Appreciating that Leon at least said nothing about his new look, Colin eventually gives up on him and starts off. *DINGDINGDING* Colin turns around and finds Spencer starting on the other side, which gets the crowd interested. COLE Well we're not wasting any time. Battle of the Moneygang! Colin and Spencer square off. It starts off friendly, but soon they're exchanging words. And whatever the words are, they end up escalating into a shoving match. Chest to chest, the partners square up, the crowd just waiting for them to go at it... so of course, they suddenly break out in a laugh at fooling them. Not giving the crowd what they want, The Moneygang indignantly refuse to lock up like the ref is telling them. And they both tag out. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Leaving the ring, Colin and Spencer stand on the outside and decide to watch the match from ringside, together! Leon just stares at them from the apron as Rico gets a little more heated about it. COLE Now wait a minute, this is a tag team match. But it looks like, Spencer and Colin are opting out and they're going to let Rico and Leon decide it for them? COACH Might as well. One of them's going to the battle royal, one's not. It would be unfair to make them play a part in choosing. Maybe Spencer will share some hair care and grooming tips with Collin, now that he's being required to bathe at least once a week. Leon slowly gets into the ring and Rico realises Spencer's not coming back to his corner. And The Moneygang watch on, chatting between themselves as Leon and Rico square off. Rico goes to lock-up, but Leon evades behind and catches Rico turning around with a Rolling Sobat to the gut! Forearms knock Rico back against the ropes, setting up an irish whip. Rodez lunges at Rico with a back elbow knockdown, looking out at the Moneygang who applaud mockingly as he picks Rico up again. COLE So for now at least, it's going to be Leon versus Rico and Leon you'd expect to have the advantage, being a former World Champion. But the question is how those ribs are holding up. Leon delivers a vertical suplex and covers... 1... 2... No! Kicking away at Rico, Leon is caught with a shot to the ribs and quickly digs his fingers into Rico's eyes to subdue him. "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" Catching Rico with two good right hands Leon shakes off the fingers and hits the ropes. A clothesline is ducked, so Leon carries off into the far ropes. And Rico catches him with a knee right to the injured ribs, flipping Leon up and over!! COLE And that will definately test the ribs! Crawling away into a corner it seems that shot has rocked The Fallen Idol and he holds his hands up, trying to beg Rico off. The Brazilian stays right on Leon, dropping a knee into the ribs in the corner. And a second time. He then picks Rodez up, whipping him into the opposite corner and watching as Rodez crumbles to his knees. Queen Esther claps happily as Leon again holds his hands up. Still no mercy from Rico though, whipping Leon back to the corner he came from, dropping him again. COLE Leon hitting those turnbuckles hard and he's in trouble, with his 'tag team partner' about six feet away with his hands on his hips. Rico strokes down the infamous porn 'stache and goes after Leon again. On his knees, Leon knows there's no chance of a reprieve. But he begs anyway. And lulls Rico in, grabbing him by the trunks and pulling him face-first into the middle turnbuckle! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Pouncing on Rico, Leon clubs away with wild shots to the back of the head until the referee pulls him away demanding a clean break. Leon just stares through him, lining Rico up in the corner and slamming his knee into the Brazilian's kidneys. Turning Rico around, Leon follows up, testing his ribs with an Exploder Suplex on Rico. Which leaves him with some pain, but Rico with more, setting up a cover... 1... 2... No! Interested observers, Spencer and Colin nod their heads. COLE Now nonchalant can these two get about this? COACH This is relevant to their interests. Still favouring his ribs Leon waits for Rico to get up instead of picking him up. A boot sets Rico up, snapmared over and kicked in the back. Hitting the ropes in front, Leon follows up with a passing clothesline on the seated Brazilian. COLE A Sliding Lariat, that's a new one. Cover by Leon... 1... 2... No! Leon gets back up favouring his ribs as Spencer and Colin mock the injury behind his back. Leading Rico up by the hair, Leon puts him face-first into the top turnbuckle. Irish whip sends Rico into the opposite corner and Leon sets himself, getting in a deep breath before he launches with the SUPERMAN SPEAR in the corner! COLE Colin starting to look a little happier than Spencer on the outside. He could use some cheering up. I've never seen a man get so emotional about a faux hawk. Off the ropes Leon aims at Rico staggering out of the corner, with a more traditional clothesline. Rico ducks though and catches Leon with a boot to the gut. Ribs hurt, Leon doubles up. Rico looks to scoop him up for a slam but Rodez floats up and over, landing on his feet. Spinning Rico around, Leon goes for a slam... but his ribs hamper him, allowing Rico a similar escape route. Rico kicks Leon in the gut again, before gutwrenching him up and over the shoulder into the Canadian Backbreaker! COLE Rico's got Leon up in The Body Lock! And we might see a submission here, which would be a major upset and not the first of this Battlebowl! But Leon manages to squirm out of the hold pretty quickly. Leon backs into a corner, waiting for Rico to get up. When he does, The Fallen Idol charges... but gets caught with a SPINEBUSTER!! COACH PARTYING LIKE IT'S 2005 AGAIN OH YEAH! Hook of the leg by Rico... 1... 2... Kickout! Stroking the porn 'stache, Rico senses the end with Rodez hurt. He loads Leon up again, trying to trap him back into The Body Lock. Leon slips out the back straight away this time... *SMACK!* ...and catches Rico with a flash superkick! Rico staggers, until Leon hits a clothesline and covers... 1... 2... NO! COLE Only two. And still the LDC Moneygang just stand and watch this unfold. Leon glares at Rico as he climbs back up, a dangerous look on his face. Spinning around, Leon aims with a Rolling Sobat, but Rico manages to deflect it and connect with a big right hand. Leon goes staggering backwards and Rico backs into the ropes. A double leg trip cuts Rico off though, worse to come as Leon turns him over into the LIONTAMER!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Got it! Locked in centre of the ring, I don't think Rico's got any escape here. As Leon places the knee in the back, it does look dire for Rico... ...until Spencer Reiger suddenly bundles Leon to the mat! COLE Wait a minute! With a sudden interest in the match Spencer goes to put the boots to Leon, which is when CMJ spins him around and asks him what the hell he's doing! And this time, the Moneygang's little téte a téte isn't any kind of play-acting. The crowd sense it and buzz, about to see Colin and Spencer come to blows. Or so they think. Meanwhile, Leon is back up. And he charges from behind... only for Spencer to sidestep, causing him to knock COLIN down. COACH Wrong man! Leon looks down and shows zero concern for Colin, as he turns back around, into a boot from Spencer. The Prodigy from NYC quickly hooks up the arms, looking to chalk one on on the REIGER COUNTE... NO! Leon backdrops out of it! COLE I guess the LDC Moneygang had more selfish intentions than they were letting on. Spencer wants to be in that Battlebowl battle royal, even if it's at Colin's expense, make no mistake. And I'm sure the same goes the other way around. COACH Yeah, but, it's nothing to come to blows over... I hope. Colin will mess up his new haircut! The fresh Reiger is right back up and charging. Leon manages to sidestep and Spencer bounces off the ropes, causing a COLLISION OF HEADS between the two!! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh, right in the SKULL with the SKULL, SKULL to SKULL!! As Spencer flops against the bottom rope, Leon is scooped right back up by Rico, who strokes at the 'stache signalling for the end! Rico picks Leon up and prepares to take him on a MOUSTACHE RIDE... ...but before he can deliver, Colin reaches up and grabs Leon's foot, pulling him free! COLE How about that, Colin Maguire Jr. finally acting like a tag team partner tonight. Rico goes for a clothesline on CMJ, but gets caught and dumped with a HARDVARDPLEX! Dazed, Rico then makes the mistake of sitting on all fours, allowing Colin to drop down and lock in the Anaconda Choke! COLE Boston Strangler, he's got it locked in! Shaking off the cobwebs, Spencer makes a move. Whether he would have broken his regular partner's submission we won't know, as before he can get to it, Spencer is tripped up by Leon and placed in the LIONTAMER! COLE And dueling submissions now! Colin tightens up on the Strangler and suddenly catches a glimpse of Spencer in trouble, leaving him in two minds as to what to do... but the decision is made for him, as Rico taps out! *DINGDINGDING!* COLE An embarrassing night for Colin has a happy ending! Both Colin and Leon quickly release their submissions, Colin to go help Spencer and Leon to get out of harm's way. He stares up at his partner for tonight with a cold look and no hint of thanks before stalking off to the back. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match advancing in the 2009 Battlebowl... COLIN MAGUIRE JR. and LEON RODEZ!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" COLE Leon Rodez and Colin Maguire Jr. going to Battlebowl, after maybe the worst show of tag team continuity from two teams we'll see in this competition. Leon clearly just happy to get out of here with the win. Colin helps Spencer up and ever the sore loser, Spencer is unhappy that Colin didn't come to his rescue. Colin insists that he didn't see what was going on, only to smirk when Spencer's out of eyeshot. They're as bad as each other! COLE Well, we promised you an announcement regarding Leon Rodez and Bohemoth after what happened last week, a sneak attack backstage by Leon on The Meterosexual Monster. Footage plays of Bohemoth being wheeled away to an ambulance in the aftermath of the attack. COLE Well as you can see, Bohemoth had to be taken to a local medical facility to be checked out. Luckily, no lasting damage done to the left leg, but clearly a lot of pain inflicted. And we've been informed that the big announcement is, a match just signed by OAOAST officials for next week here on this show. Bohemoth will be medically fit to compete next week in Lincoln, Nebraska. One on one, a rematch from The Great Angle Bash, Leon Rodez versus Bohemoth. But this time, it will be a STRETCHER MATCH. COACH Wow. COLE That promises to be physical to say the least. And what a warm-up match that'll be, with both men having qualified for the Battlebowl Battle Royal the very next week in Chicago at the Chi-Town Spectacular. COACH They may have qualified, but one of them might not even make it to Chicago at this rate! COLE A big match, next week here on HeldDOWN~! FADE OUT

PRESENTED IN HD FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- Gimme them bright lights, long nights High rise, overtime Gimme them bright lights, long nights Party till the sun is rising High rise, overtime Working 'till the moon is shining Hot guys, fly girls Never gonna say it I feel on top of the world, I feel on top of the world To an enormous ovation, Krista steps onto the stage, looking summery in a beaded pattern white top, and red miniskirt. Her arm is free of the sling from last year, allowing her to wave to the ends on her way down the ramp. COLE Great to have the former and rightful world champion down here. When Krista speaks everyone listens. COACH Usually because they’re all being insulted. Krista enters the ring very carefully, fearful when the course will spring up. She grabs hold of a microphone and readies herself to speak. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” KRISTA Hi, people. Or as the script implores me to say “Hi OAOAST Marks”. Is there a reason you all haven’t revolted against that horrid nickname? The French revolted when the queen offered them a delicious cake. Surely you can spare some time to guillotine Lucius Soul. Embarrassing marketing failures aside , I find myself in a condrum. The blank absent mind stares on your faces indicate that either you don’t know what that word means, or the crystal meth has taken effect. I will explain. Conundrum is a problem, I have a problem, not a drinking problem I could quit any day, god damn it, but a curse problem. “BOOOOOOO!” KRISTA Against all personal beliefs, everything I’ve learned in my years of private schooling and graduate studies, and against what I saw on that one episode of MythBusters I watched with Jade, I am cursed. Now, you might be saying to yourself “Jesus Christ she has a great rack” And you’re right, but apparently the one thing that my boobs can’t get me out of, is the one thing that may consume. I don’t know if I’ll really be sucked down to hell, if I am then perhaps they’ll be playing Adam Sandler movies on continues loop to torture me. The psychic says that is the end result of the curse. Hell. Like, I said, I’m not certain what will happen. What I do know is that since I was attacked in the parking lot, and cursed, I have lost my world title, gotten a concussion, fractured my elbow, been stung by an army of bees, gotten a mysterious illness, and had to sit through Jimmy Fallon’s late night talk show. As you can imagine I’m just a wee bit sick of it all. I have never felt so weak and so powerless. In all my life. Everyone sees me as super Krista, I can’t be stopped, nothing can slow me down. Well, this has. This has slowed me down to a crawl, I have Vietnam vets with no legs lapping me! The Krista everyone knew and loved, is slowly fading away. And perhaps that’s what’s meant by hell, looking into the mirror and seeing my old, middle aged, haggard face, saggy skin, and brittle bones staring back at me. Maybe hell is just the end of my dream. COLE It seems this “curse” has taken its toll on Krista. KRISTA And who do I owe all this lovely summer time cheer to? Why who else but my good friend and your’s, a true patriot who pees stars and shits stripes, Theodore Moneymaker. The world champion appears on screen, and earns a huge amount of jeers for doing so. COLE No surprise Theodore Moneymaker hides backstage when an enraged Krista is out here and ready to fight. MONEYMAKER Krista please, I do not deserve flattery nor do I deserve blame. As a man backed into a corner by your aggressive ways I did the only thing I could do. KRISTA You had two leatherbound warlocks commit 3rd degree assault in an empty parking lot? That was the only thing you could do?! There’s like fifty thousand other things you could do before that becomes an option! But what’s done is done. MONEYMAKER Yes it is, I remain world champion, and you, my poor but beautiful girl, remain cursed. Here is wear the generosity of myself shines bright, I have appeared on this night to offer you a dignified peace. Freedom from your curse. KRISTA See, you and I are starting to understand each other. I had the same idea. MONEYMAKER Splendid. So you will take your place at my side as my subservient and eagerly loving bride? KRISTA Not so fast, Bridezilla. My idea of how to end this curse thing is somewhere here on earth, you’re idea of how to end the curse is floating somewhere between the Death Star and Vulcan. I have a proposition I think you might be very interested in hearing. MONEYMAKER It can’t hurt to entertain your girlish fantasies, so please explain. KRISTA Apparently the only way to end this curse is through giving you my hand in marriage, and hell not freezing over shortly thereafter or to get a hold of your blood. My plan A fell through when The Love Doctors wouldn’t grant me the necessary needles and date rape drugs. Now we’re onto plan B, a first blood world title match at the whatever show is coming up, Chi something, I dunno, I’m almost forty leave me alone. What do you say, Teddy? MONEYMAKER What separates men from women, and is one of the many reasons you need me in your life, is that men think with rational and intelligent thought. KRISTA Explain Bill O’Reily. MONEYMAKER I think rationally, Krista, and I don’t see any rationale behind this match. I exist solely to gain, and I live not to lose. But here I gain nothing, and I lose everything. KRISTA Will ya let a girl finish her thought! Is that so hard to let me speak, to let me live, to let me love, to let me be free! Um….anyway, there’s plenty for you to gain, like Maxim magazine’s hottest MILF, Esquire magazine’s hottest woman and the world, and Field and Stream ultimate deer hunter….don’t ask. Clarey intrigued, Moneymaker leans forward in his chair. KRISTA What I’m saying is that you make me bleed, I do away with the whole lesbian life and I will be your wife in sickness and health, till death do us part. I’m sure that carving up your potential spouse is customary in some middle eastern country. The world champion's eyes brighten at such a wonderful opportunity. MONEYMAKER On the off chance that I lose? KRISTA For one thing the curse would be gone, for another thing I’d have that 30% of my company back, and for the third and final thing I’ll be taking back that precious world title if you don’t mind. MONEYMAKER Always the pig headed one aren’t you. Instead of just accepting my proposal of marriage, you’ll force me to win you as some sort of prize. I have to drag you kicking, screaming and bleeding into my empire? Then so be it. We will have ourselves a first blood match, and I will have myself a trophy wife. Krista smiles with satisfaction, as the audience cheers the explosive matchup. COACH Yo for real, them white folks got some fucked up mating rituals! COLE The summer keeps getting hotter with this first blood match for the OAOAST World Title and much, much more! The stakes have never been higher in a world title match! COACH Those two have a so much to worried about right now and they still have to keep their eye on Battle Bowl! Ain't no rest for them, its gonna be one war to the next. Nobody ever said being rich and famous was easy!

Hey, KC, did you want to write the Battlebowl with Leon this week? Or should I do it? If I'm off the hook for battle bowl Theodore Moneymaker may very well defend his world title, against Baron Windells if Tony does not mind. Why maybe Tony will even write it.

My nigga 149 steady stays on his vice president duties!

We return from break and in the ring, we find Cucaracha Internacional just making their entrance. Black and Faqu make their own, single-minded entrance into the ring, while Blonde sits on the middle rope and holds it open for Landon, waiting for him to finish showing off to camera. Landon spins into the ring and raises his non-matching, non-OAOAST belt in the air. Blonde joins in. And... well, Blonde joins in. COLE Official, unofficial, who knows? All we know is Cucaracha Internacional are claiming to be OAOAST 8-Man Tag Team Champions and they are defending those titles here tonight. MADDIX Finally. Finally, the waiting is over. And finally, Cucaracha Internacional get to show ourselves to the world. The greatest collection of talent in the OAOAST today. The toughest, hardest hitting man in the OAOAST today, Nathaniel Black. The most intimidating monster in the OAOAST, Faqu. The most stylish showman in the OAOAST, James Blonde. And the all-round best athlete in the entire world, me. Great individually. Greater together. The strongest unit in the OAOAST. The OAOAST 8-Man Tag Team Champions!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH That makes it official in my book. COLE Why, because Landon said so? COACH Exactly. *WHIIIR!* *WHIIIR!* "Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you No pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a bad case of lovin' you" BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the challengers this evening. Total combined weight, seven hundred and eighty two pounds... from Chicago, Illinois, DR. MAX ANDERSON and DR. STEVEN PIGLEY, THE LOVE DOCTORS... and from sunny Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, MORACCA and MARIACHI, LOS DIABLOS DE FEUGO!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" The Docs take the attention from Los Diablos in their stride as they strip off their lab coats and head to the ring. Having two gay masked luchadors dressed in hot pink lusting over you kinda hurts your appeal with the ladies, but luckily The Love Doctors' appeal was so strong in the first place, they're still in demand. COACH So, this is the team that's supposed to face the strongest unit in the OAOAST? Hah! COLE You're very easily influenced, aren't you Coach? Landon says something and you're repeating it for weeks. Like a parrot. Blonde and Black look pretty confident as they look at their challengers. But Landon calls his team together and calls on them to focus, before giving them a team talk. COLE Do you think Landon sometimes takes this leader role a little too seriously? COLE A strong unit needs a strong leader. COLE Polly want a cracker? *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds and Dr. Anderson is on duty, starting out with James Blonde. Eager to impress, Blonde tries to intimidate Anderson before they lock up, which doesn't work so well. What does work is an armdrag. So much so that Blonde celebrates, soaking in Landon's applause. COLE James Blonde is like an attention starved toddler. Blonde is brimming with confidence and on the next lock-up, he scores with another armdrag. Pointing to Landon, Blonde dedicates the move to him. Landon points back, but behind Blonde to warn him, Dr. Anderson waiting and dishing out an armdrag of his own! A second! And a third! He goes for a fourth, but Blonde pulls away and rolls out of the ring, complaining to Landon that his hair was pulled. COLE If you don't play fair, I'll tell on you to my daddy! Give me a break! COACH He had his hair pulled Michael. He's got every right to complain. COLE So it's not just Landon's word you take as gospel? Calmed down, Blonde rolls back into the ring and challenges Dr. Max to fisticuffs. But Max blocks a right hand and dishes out one of his own. Anderson rocks Blonde back against the ropes with rights and sends him for the ride, up and over with a BAAAAACK bodydrop! Quick tag is made and as Blonde gets up, Dr. Pigley soars from the top with a high crossbody... 1... 2... Kickout! Rolling away Blonde makes the tag to Nathaniel Black and scurries to the floor. Black gives his partner a funny look as he steps into the ring and locks up with Pigley. Into a hammerlock, down goes Pigley, taken down by the Brit. Black grabs a headlock as Pigley fights to his feet and shoots his opponent off. Black comes back with a shoulder knockdown, hitting the ropes again to deliver a second one. A third is avoided by a Pigley leapfrog though. Both men come off the ropes, Pigley getting a blind tag to Anderson before he baseball slides through the legs of Black. Coming to a stop, the confused Brit takes an inverted atomic drop from Pigley, held for Anderson who hits the running dropkick! COLE Lovematic Grampa, VINTAGE Love Doctors! Cover by Anderson... 1... 2... No! Anderson attacks Black with some stinging shots and throws a spinning backfist. Black shakes it off though and immediately drops Dr. Anderson with a European uppercut. COACH And that's why you don't trade shots with Nat Black. Tag made and in comes Landon, to a chorus of boos. COLE First time we've seen Landon in action in many months. And he's just as popular as ever! Held open, Anderson takes a hard kick to the chest from Landon. Landon follows up with some forearms, before throwing Anderson into the Cucaracha corner. A swipe at Pigley draws him in and Maddix keeps the referee expertly distracted while Black, Blonde and Faqu all club at Anderson from the apron! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH There you go, leading by example, Landon Maddix! COLE Yeah, the example being, cheat to win. COACH Keyword there being 'win'. Once the referee has gained control, Landon runs at Anderson in the corner and nails a leaping forearm smash. He rolls Anderson down onto the mat and strikes with a kick to the back before covering... 1... 2... No! Landon tags in Black and whips Anderson to the ropes. A drop down by Landon leaves Anderson unable to avoid a jumping high knee from Black, right under the chin! Landon offers up a high-five and the Brit eventually gives in to the crass US ways of celebrating before pinning Anderson down... 1... 2... No! COACH Even you have to admit, Cucaracha Internacional are working great as a team. Better even than with Cortez, now they've got Landon pulling the strings. COLE They're a great team, no doubt. They've held the 6-Man Tag Team Titles for about eight months. It's just a pity they're not a six man team anymore now Landon's decided he wants to play again. Another tag is made, this time to Blonde, very much at Blonde's request. Black scoops and slams Anderson near the corner as instructed, allowing Blonde to come off the middle rope with the Marty Jannetty Fistdrop! A rare success, Blonde looks to Landon, who urges him to cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Los Diablos rub themselves nervously as Dr. Anderson is in a bad way. Strutting around, Blonde feels confident and piefaces the Doc a couple of times. COLE No need for that. Blonde boots Anderson in the gut and jars him with a Sitout Jawbreaker. Rolling back to his feet, The Trendsetter flicks his hair, lets out a celebratory "WHOO!" and hits the ropes. But Anderson runs right past him. And as Blonde slows to a stop, Anderson nails him with a big LARIAT! "YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Blonde spent a little too much time prancing and preening and it cost him there! Both men crawl to their corners and it's tags on both sides. Landon in for the champions and Dr. Pigley for the challengers. Landon rushes in and runs right into a drop toehold. Quickly back up, he drops down as Pigley comes off the ropes and tries for a dropkick, but Pigley hangs on and Landon hits hard! Pigley floats on top with a jacknife pin... 1... 2... No! Landon bridges up and quickly takes Pigley up onto his shoulders! COLE GTS! But Dr. Pigley throws elbows, fighting off the anesthetic move. And shifting down a little, Pigley suddenly snaps backwards, bringing Landon down sharply with a CRUCIFIX BOMB!! 1... 2... KICKOUT! COLE Oh, that was close! Staggering up, Landon is caught and set up for the Flatliner. But with a quick knee to the ribs, Landon is able to reverse on Pigley and hit the flatliner variation of his own, the Crash Landon '05!! Pigley flails away on impact, luckily near his corner, where Moracca and Mariachi tag themselves in. COACH Hey, they can't both tag in. COLE Just like you can't have four six-man tag team champions? Landon makes the mistake Blonde did by taking to long to follow up and before he knows it, he's surrounded. With Mariachi making kissy faces, Landon tries to turn away, but runs into Moracca... and gets trapped between a HOMIES HUG!!!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH OH NO! Moracca and Mariachi fondle away with Landon aghast in the middle! Blonde sees his mentor in trouble and quickly slides in, knocking both Diablos down from behind. He then tries to comfort a shaken Landon with a hug of his own, which probably isn't the best idea and he gets pushed away. Blonde turns and tries to clothesline Moracca over the top, but gets backdropped to the floor! Meanwhile, Landon is caught with a headscissors by Mariachi! COLE And the homies are having a good time here! As Mariachi and Moracca 'celebrate' though, Landon reaches his corner and tags in Faqu. COACH Uh-oh. COLE Well, fun-time is over. Faqu, The Samoan Wrecking Ball, the not-so secret weapon is in. The big Samoan steps in, getting Los Diablos attention with a primal scream, then MOWING THROUGH THEM WITH A DOUBLE SHOULDER BLOCK!!!! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH Like two hot pink pinballs! Beating his chest, Faqu waits for somebody to get back up. Dr. Anderson comes in and attacks from behind, trying to subdue the monster. Unable to do much damage he hits the ropes, but runs back into a throat thrust from Faqu! And hurt, he falls prey to a BLACK LARIAT from Nathaniel, sending him rolling to the floor! COLE And now, Los Diablos in serious trouble! Faqu lines up Moracca... *SMACK!* ...and nails him with a Thrust Kick! Mariachi is up next and Faqu reels him in, picking him up in a fireman's carry. Signalled to wait, Faqu is then loaded up some more as Black, Blonde and Landon lift Moracca up and place him on top of Mariachi, Faqu letting out a yell before CRUSHING THEM BOTH WITH A DOUBLE SAMOAN DROP!!!!!!!! "OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" A raging Faqu stomps out his territory as the poor Mexicans are picked up, helpless to do anything about it. Blonde sets up Mariachi... and delivers ILLEGALLY BLONDE... while Black hits the BRITTANIA BOMB on Moracca, Landon in the middle counting along with the referee... 1... 2... 3!!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* COACH That's why they're the 8-Man Champions! COLE That and because Landon had a spare belt lying around. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match and STILL OAOAST 8-Man Tag Team Champions... LANDON MADDIX, NATHANIEL BLACK, JAMES BLONDE and FAQU... CUCARACHA INTERNACIONAL!!!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The 8-Man Titles... well, 6-Man Titles and spare SWF belt... are passed into the ring and it's Landon and Blonde leading the celebrations again on a successful defence. Black gives a defiant show of the belt to the fans while Faqu chews on his, staring at the damage done. COLE A successful 'first defence' for Cucaracha Internacional. Say what you will, but they are an impressive team, no matter what you think of Landon and the legalities of these 8-Man Titles.

Backstage we find Jade Rodez-Duncan being talked through the finer points of minimising lens flare by film student Molly Nerdly. Mind clearly elsewhere, and let's face it who can blame here, Jade stares off into the distance. The stare is interrupted by the sound of bounding footsteps and the appearance of an excited young Maya Duncan-Blanchard. MAYA Hi! JADE Maya? What are you doing here? MAYA You mean Mom hasn't told you? JADE (suspicious) Told me what? MAYA Well. She said she's sick of having me around the house 24/7, talking about curses and voodoo spells and taking her to mediums and trying to cheer her up and all that stuff. So, she told me that when she was my age, grandma made her get a summer job. What she neglected to mention was the legendary way she quit and the community service she was forced to be bribed out of as a result. But by the time Alix told me that it was too late. Point is, she's sick of having me under her feet. Which is why I'm here. To answer your question. Jade looks ever suspicious. JADE Mom got you a job? Here? MAYA Yup. Since she can never go back to where she worked, this was the easiest option. Turns out you don't need talent to work here, it's not what you know, it's who you know! No offence. Jade grumbles to herself. MOLLY Oh golly! Your first real job... MAYA Real? Eh. MOLLY You know, if you're not troubled by my asking, I'm supposed to be putting together a video project for my media class and I've been looking for some more subjects around here. Maybe I can follow you around for a day? MAYA All my media commitments go through Mom and my team of agents, so ya gotta check with them. But that shouldn't be a problem. Hiding bitterness about her 'team of agents', Jade waves to get Maya's attention. JADE What's the job, exactly? MAYA Oh, that's the thing. Mom's kinda stuck between getting rid of me and worrying obsessively about me. So, the only way to keep her happy was to be your apprentice. That way you're looking after me. And I get to hang out all day with Tyler and Shayne! Oh, I couldn't think of a better job that doesn't involve Zac Efron and bodyhair removal. JADE Let me get this straight... you're my 'apprentice'? You can't be. You're too young to wrestle. And I hardly ever manage anymore. MAYA Well, you can change that real quick. Just answer one of those messages Shayne keeps leaving on the answer machine. "We need help, we suck without you, your Mom took our dignity and our manhood, we need you back". Remember? That way, I can learn from you when you're managing them and then when you're wrestling, I can be your manager! It looks super easy. JADE (annoyed) You'd be surprised. MAYA Phff. Stand, wave, look pretty, get crowd cheering. It's basically like being a cheerleader. Or more like a mascot only without the stupid costume. I think I can handle that. Just, when Mom asks, pretend you're teaching me some sort of worthwhile lesson about how to climb onto a ring apron and dance around until a referee looks at you, or something, so she doesn't change her mind and give me a harder job instead. MOLLY I find engaging in small talk keeps referees occupied longer. MAYA Ooh, okay. (to Jade) See, like that. JADE You know, I really think I should speak to Mom about this... MAYA Yeah yeah. Listen, I'm gonna go find Shayne and Tyler, tell them the good news! See ya soon! The excitable Maya jogs off and Jade sighs to herself, clearly not too excited about the thought of this apprentiship. JADE Sisters... MOLLY Tell me about it. COLE The Nerdlies, The Duncans, The Rodezs, The Moneymaker family in Theodore and Tony Brannigan, the OAOAST is just good old fashioned family business! COMMERCIAL

Cut to Sofa Central. COLE Folks, we have another match for the Chi-Town Spectacular to announce to you, an absolute blockbuster from the office of the OAOAST President Josie Baker. Coach is shaking his head in disbelief as Cole reads from his notes. COLE The match will be between Alfdogg and the leader of the Deadly Alliance, Reject! And here's the big whammy in this thing: The loser of this match, will be forced to retire! COACH Well Cole, no matter what the result here, the OAOAST will suffer a big loss in just two weeks! Alf, of course, we all know of his accomplishments, he's held many titles, won a lot of big matches, and Reject, you got a main event-caliber guy in the prime of his career! COLE Given the magnitude of this match, there are some big conditions, as well! A decision can only be made by pinfall or submission, there is no time limit, and the big one here: OAOAST President Josie Baker will be viewing this match from a special skybox, and if anyone interferes in this match, Josie Baker has announced that she will fire them right on the spot! COACH So no matter what, we will have a decisive winner between Alfdogg and Reject! Some big decisions by the President! COLE Absolutely, a match that will no doubt send shockwaves throughout the OAOAST in just two weeks, the career of either Alfdogg or Reject will come to an end!

“Thriller" by Fallout Boy hits. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing first, accompanied by fellow Citizen Soldier TIM CASH… from San Antonio, Texas, weighing 265 pounds.,, "THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER"... BBAAAAAAARRRRRROOOOOOOOOONN... WWWWIIIIIIIIIIINNDDEEEEEELLLLLSSSSS!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" BW and Cash show love to their fans on the way down the aisle, but it’s all business once they reach the ring. COLE What an opportunity this evening for Baron Windels competing for the World Heavyweight Title. And quite frankly, I’m shocked Theodore Moneymaker has decided to be a fighting champion. I never would have expected that out of him. Green and yellow lights swirl across the area as Theodore Moneymaker is carried to the ring on his golden throne to the tune of “Sympathy for the Devil” by Guns N Roses. Along with him is his spiritual guide Abdullah Nerdly. BUFFER And his opponent, hailing from Vero Beach, Floridia, and weighing 236 pounds... he is the Chief Executive Officer of THE ENTERPRISE and the OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... "THE BILLION DOLLAR HEIR" THEODORE MMMOOOONNEYMAKER!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Moneymaker rises from his throne and enters the ring with Abdullah, who produces a microphone. ABDULLAH Brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, on behalf of your World Champion I regret to inform you there will be NO title defense here tonight. CROWD COLE I knew it was too good to be true. A man like Theodore Moneymaker clings to power. The words fighting champion wouldn’t be in his vocabulary. COACH Kind of like “out on a date with a woman” wouldn’t be in yours. ABDULLAH You see, this open contract was booked when Krista Isadora Duncan was still World Champion, a dark time in OAOAST history. However, that cloud has been lifted and the angels once again sing now that Brother Moneymaker is your World Champion. What that means is, after successfully defended his championship last week, Brother Moneymaker is under no obligation to compete in a title match for another 23 days. But let not your heart be troubled. Brother Moneymaker is all for helping a person in need, like Baron Windels. And what Brother Baron needs is… Tired of the talking Baron clotheslines Abdullah and Moneymaker! COACH How dare Baron Windels lay his filthy paws on two of the most revered figures in the world today, Cole. * DINGDINGDING * Grabbed by his collar Abdullah is TOSSED over the top rope! His back turned BW catches a knee right in the lower lumbar region. Trapped like a rat in the corner, BW is subjected to a series of knife-edge chops, but he reverses a whip and decks Moneymaker with a Cowboy Bebop elbow square between the eyes! The cover. ONE! TW-- KICKOUT! BW fires Moneymaker into the ropes and raises THE BIG BOOT…but Abdullah pulls Moneymaker out to safety. COLE Hey, come on now. Just because Abdullah Nerdly is Theodore Moneymaker’s spiritual guide doesn’t mean he can stay ringside and interfere. COACH Abdullah didn’t interfere, you idiot. He pulled a man to safety. Need I remind you that Abdullah is a man of peace? COLE A piece of work is what he is alright. BW reaches through the ropes as Moneymaker and Abdullah share a brotherly hug and gives them a DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" BW suplexes Moneymaker back inside and covers him. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! COLE Moneymaker focuses may be distracted by sudden announcement of a first blood contest between he and Krista. BW positions Moneymaker for THE SUPERPLEX, but the Billion Dollar Heir rakes the eyes and shoves him to the mat. Looking to deliver a double axe handle smash, Moneymaker gets caught on the way down with a shot to the gut, but quickly recovers when BW attempts a bulldog, using their momentum to CROTCH the Lone Star Gunslinger on the middle turnbuckle! “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” COLE Men the world over are feeling Baron’s pain right now. COACH Except you, Cole, because you have a vagina! The cover. ONE! TWO! THR-- KICKOUT! Moneymaker puts the boots to BW, and then dumps him outside to catch a breather. COLE You better keep a close eye on Abdullah Nerdly, ref. COACH Quit racially profiling, Cole. Abby’s minding his own business. For a short time he does. Once the referee turns his back Abdullah rushes over to get in a few licks of his own! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE You call that minding your own business? More like sticking your nose in other people’s business I say. Abdullah scrams when Tim Cash goes after him. Luckily for the self-proclaimed Inspirational Leader, Cash is restrained by the referee as he returns to Moneymaker’s corner to give praises. COLE What a snake in the grass he is. COACH And what a dumb ass you are. Moneymaker rolls BW back in and drops A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS~! The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! Moneymaker scoops BW for a slam, but gets wrapped up in a SMALL PACKAGE! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! COLE Again Moneymaker losing his focus with Krista on the mind. Moneymaker pops to his feet and nails BW with a BILLION $ KNEELIFT! COACH Losing focus huh? The cover. ONE! TWO! THR-- KICKOUT! Moneymaker stalks BW, then tries to lock him in THE BANK VAULT, but BW charges the corner and drops down, causing Moneymaker to collide face-first into the buckle! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Moneymaker staggers back only to be whipped across and smacked in the face by BW’s BUTT! COLE Bite My Shiny Metal Ass, Theodore Moneymaker! The cover. ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Company arrives in the form of THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND as BW climbs up top. COLE What are they doing here? COACH Getting a front row seat. And how can you blame them? This has been one helluva match. BW spots the Last Kings and wipes them out with a TOP ROPE LARIAT! COLE Scottish Scott and Danny Boy just got clobbered. "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Moneymaker kicks the middle rope as BW re-enters the ring, then spikes him with THE SPEAR OF LONGINUS~!!! COLE The move that won him the title! The cover. ONE! TWO! THREE!!! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Here is your winner…and STILL OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… "THE BILLION DOLLAR HEIR" THEODORE MMMOOOONNEYMAKER!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE For the second week in a row, Theodore Moneymaker capitalizes on a mistake. Like Ned Blanchard last week, Baron Windels let his guard down and paid in the end. But will Krista do the same in their first blood match? Abdullah shoves the referee aside and awards the OAOAST Championship to Theodore Moneymaker, raising his hand in victory as Cash tends to Baron. Cash then begins to chastise Moneymaker for unsportsmanlike conduct kicking the ropes when BW was entering. Surprisingly Moneymaker agrees, only because the Last Kings of Scotland jump on Cash! MONEYMAKER COLE That’s uncalled for, damnit! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" The crowd ERUPTS as KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN storms the ring with a STEEL CHAIR. COACH It’s Krista! COLE And she’s still mad as hell! There’s no doubt about what she’s after though… Theodore Moneymaker’s blood! Moneymaker and Abdullah flee the scene, but that doesn’t stop Krista from kicking ass. She bashes the Last Kings with the chair, then climbs on the middle rope and points to Moneymaker. KRISTA Suddenly the rope SNAPS and Krista falls hard on her ass. The opening fanfare from "Jesus Christ Superstar" hits as Moneymaker, arms raised to the heavens, laughs while flashing "the money fingers" sign. KRISTA COLE That first blood match is going to be hell! COMMERCIAL