Patty O'Green

Niggas is swaggin, straight doin they thang. This show was flames, go read it now!

FLAMES IS OUT OF CONTROL! WE BURIN DIS BITCH DOWN! A Malaysia promo is edited in for the good of humanity and people who want AP matches announced early and people who like kinky bondage play. I was thinking damn I have to write something for Krista but then I wake up this morning and I see KC surprised me with something good. That's friendship, ya'll. Real motherfuckin friendship. Maybe it will lead to cybersex? Hopefully.

PRESENTED IN HD FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY -OVER 200 COUNTRIES IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES- -TO MORE THEN TEN MILLION VIEWERS EACH WEEK- -THE OAOAST THE WORLD WIDE LEADER IN PARODY ENTERTAINMENT- The Dunkin' Donuts Center is ripe with cheers, as the packed house is ready for a night of action on HeldDOWN~!, and perhaps more importantly, the homecoming of the most popular athlete in OAOAST history. Zack Malibu's hometown crowd is anticipating his appearance here tonight, but a mix of shock and cheer surges through the crowd when Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" booms over the PA! COLE It...it can't be, can it!? Indeed it is, as CWM comes walking out from the back to a HUGE pop from the surprised Rhode Islanders! Clad in his traditional attire, CWM storms down to the ring without playing to the crowd, looking just as surly as ever! He heads to ringside and grabs the mic from Michael Buffer, then shoves Buffer down into his seat, obviously not looking to make any friends upon his return! COACH Heh, Buffer SO deserved that! COLE Nevermind that, Coach...what in the world is CWM doing here on HeldDOWN~! tonight? In the ring, CWM starts to talk, but as the music drowns out, a loud CWM chant breaks out, preventing him from speaking his piece. "C-W-M!" "C-W-M!" "C-W-M!" CWM You can just cut that garbage out right now, because I'm not here to make you people happy tonight! Instantly, the crowd turns on CWM, and whatever positive response his arrival got is replaced by disdain. CWM I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and that is for ZACK MALIBU! The fans rejoice at the mention of the hometown heros name. CWM Zack, I haven't been around for a long time, but I know what's going on. Week after week lately, I've seen you out here, riding out on the high horse, still acting like you're the end all and be all of this company. You've done this for years, and I can admit, you became more than I ever thought you'd be. We've fought, we've bled, we've been inside cages and had streetfights and God knows what else, but looking at you now, you are a disgrace to yourself, and to the legacy of this company! The crowd boos loudly at CWM's opinion of his old foe. CWM For years now, you've been riding on Anglesault's coattails, a man that you hated the very moment you set foot in OUR company. You see, the aWo was what kept this company going in the early days, NOT Zack Malibu or The In Crowd as he'd have you believe. Zack Malibu was a NOBODY, and when you beat Anglesault for your first World Championship, it wasn't that you rose above it all and earned our respect...it's that Anglesault became weak! I mean, right after you beat him, what happened? He buddied up to you, and at first we thought he was just getting close to you so that he could stick the knife in your back and take back his belt, but no. You defeated that man mentally, and made him into the biggest pussy besides yourself to ever have anything to do with this company, Popick included! The fans are REALLY not happy with this history lesson, as the booing continues. CWM So the two of you, best buddies, think that you're the end all and be all. Anglesault retires from the ring and takes full ownership, and who benefits? Why, his new little buddy, Zack Malibu! He lives vicariously through you, and you live your life like some goddamned superhero, always rushing to defend the integrity of the OAOAST. Well Zack, NO ONE ASKED YOU TO. But still, you do it, you mold yourself into a Franchise, into the cornerstone of this company, yet here you are week after week saying that you're the best of the best, The Franchise, the man synonymous with the OAOAST...and every time I see you, you're getting your ass kicked! Now I could look past everything else...you and Anglesault seeing eye to eye, fine. You representing this compay...as much as I hate you Zack, you're at least determined to keep what we started going. But if you're really the icon that you claim to be, then why are you getting demolished by these people? Theodore Moneymaker has put one over on you time and time again, and yet you never learn. You dive in headfirst, headstrong, and don't think about what you're really doing. You're letting this latest generation of superstar put one over on you, and maybe you're more like Anglesault than you think. Remember what I said, Zack...you beat him because he got weak. He got out of the ring and into the office because he got WEAK. So now maybe that day has come for you. Maybe YOU'RE the weak one now. Maybe you need to hang it up. Theodore Moneymaker offered you a million dollars to WALK, and your foolish pride led to you getting humiliated again at the New Year's Spectacular. So Zack, do what's best, and stop ruining the legacy of the rest of us Originals! You are bastardizing this whole company, and it makes me sick to think that something I helped launch has become a parody of what it once was, no thanks to you! Defending the company, Zack? You're just tearing it apart from the inside! Let someone else take up the mantle now. You've done your part! No sooner does CWM end his rant, than "Getting Away With Murder" hits, and the crowd goes BANANA~! at the first sighting of Providence's favorite son! COLE Well we got one surprise already, but I don't think ANYONE should be surprised by this! Zack heads to the ring to a grand welcome by his hometown supporters, and immediately heads into the ring, getting into a staredown with his old rival right off the bat. CWM Somehow I knew you'd come out here. MALIBU Showing up out of the blue, calling me names, questioning my abilities and trying to embarrass me in front of my hometown? I'd say that's a pretty good way of luring me out from backstage, CWM. CWM I'm not trying to embarrass you, Zack, you're doing a damn good job of that yourself. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH." MALIBU Let me tell you som... CWM No, let ME tell YOU something, OK. I haven't set foot in the ring in a long time. I'm not looking to come back full time, or to make a name for myself again. As you can see from when I first came out here, I can still get a crowd going. People remember my name, and are happy to see me, despite the fact that I could care less about them, or because I'm one sick son of a bitch. What makes me sick, Zack, is seeing you pride yourself on being the flag bearer, yet you're always on the losing end. You've had guys like Michael Cole and Josh Matthews crawling up your ass for years, towing the line of "He's got heart!", "He can't be corrupted!", "Zack Malibu just will not quit!". Well, it's one thing to say, Zack, and it's another to DO. That heart of yours is growing weak. Maybe it's time you cast yourself aside and let someone else take the reins. ZACK Like who? CWM Hell if I know, Zack, but c'mon, let's face it...you just don't cut it anymore. Malibu grows somber, but then his sad face becomes a determined one. ZACK So let's get this straight...you think that it's sad that the new talents, the guys who came along after you were long gone, have the ability to hang with the Originals? Yet you want me to just step aside and let a guy like Moneymaker get free reign of the place? Isn't that a bit of a contradiction? CWM I don't think it's sad in their case, Zack. It's nice to see some people step up, ready to carry on the legacy of the OAOAST. It's the people clinging to whatever value they once held, namely YOU, unable to let go of it. If you can't take the heat, Zack, it's time to get out of the kitchen! ZACK Original. But not warranted. Because let's face it, we've all been beaten before. Everyone's had their shoulders pinned to the mat. You and I have done it to each other numerous times. But you're thinking that losses mean weakness. Those losses might not look good on a win/loss record, that's true. But those losses don't take away my heart, CWM. They don't take away my drive, my determination. When you lose, you just get up and keep on fighting. If you get pushed back, you pushed forward even harder. It seems that YOU never learned those lessons, and maybe that's why you went home. You settled for protecting your legacy by getting out when you did. You didn't want the challenge. You didn't want to think that one day, you might have to worker harder to maintain what you built. YOU settled, but I won't. CWM I SETTLED? I got out on a high note, Zack! I... Now CWM gets interrupted again, an act that perturbs him deeply, as an all too familiar Guns N' Roses song fills the arena, sending the crowd into a frenzy of catcalls. COLE Another country about to be heard from. THEODORE MONEYMAKER is out now, also with mic in hand, ready to chime in on the verbal sparring between Zack Malibu and CWM. MONEYMAKER Gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to add something to this. CWM, you and I do not know each other personally, but I know you all too well. See, I know why you're here tonight. I know why you can't seem to get the right words out. It's because you're nervous. Scared even. Because you are desperate now, aren't you? Desperate for a chance to get back to doing what you do best. CWM Desperate? Look pal, from what I've seen of you I certainly don't like you, and now I like you even less. You don't have the first idea of what I'm feeling. Like I told Zack, I left while I was on top, and... MONEYMAKER ...but that didn't translate to your bank account, did it? Oh no, not with a wife and two kids to feed, care for, spoil. No, that bank account has suffered, which made your family suffer, which has made YOU SUFFER, because you can't provide for them like you once could. And THAT is why you're here tonight. You picked your spot because you know Malibu is an impulse thinker, a fool willing to be baited by your words, which in turn would lead to you making your way back into this company, back onto the payroll. Namedropping the past, mentioning the aWo, you feel as though it'll lead to some nostalgia, that it'll help pave the way for the CWM comeback. I say to you that you are not worthy to be in a ring that belongs to me! ZACK This ring doesn't belong to you, Moneymaker, and you know it. MONEYMAKER Maybe not in name, Zack, but face it, you got what you wanted at the New Year's Spectacular, and what happened? I made a fool out of both you and your little girlfriend. I beat you, Zack, and now I can rightfully lay claim to the fact that I am the Franchise of the OAOAST! The crowd boos loudly at that remark, and Malibu grows furious. MONEYMAKER Now, CWM, I have a proposition for you, if you're willing to listen. I can get you what you want. I can fill that bank account back up. You see, that man in the ring right there, you have a grievance with him, as do I. So why not kill two birds with one stone. I know that Zack Malibu had gone to Josie requesting a match on HeldDOWN~! tonight in front of his hometown fans, and it seems that you're itching to show Zack that you're not happy with him. So why don't we have CWM return to the ring tonight, against Zack Malibu... The crowd buzzes, and both Zack and CWM eye each other before looking back at Moneymaker. MONEYMAKER ...and CWM, if you can take Zack out, then I will PERSONALLY give you $500,000! CWM Whoa, hang on there, Richie Rich. You were going to give him more than that to take a hike. You want me to be your hitman, you give me the million! Moneymaker shakes his head, amused by CWM's request. MONEYMAKER Beggers can't be choosers, can they. I mean, you want to be able to put your children through college one day, don't you? You don't want to have to bag groceries for a living, or drive a jalopy, do you? CWM looks cornered, then looks at Zack again. CWM I'm in. He drops his mic and stares Zack down, as Moneymaker cackles into his mic. CWM exits the ring, leaving Malibu all alone to plan a course of action for tonight. COLE Can you believe this? CWM comes, well, out of nowhere, out of hiding, to call out Zack Malibu...and winds up becoming Theodore Moneymaker's personal bounty hunter tonight, in Zack's hometown! COACH Mikey Cole, you and I both know what CWM and Zack have gone through in the past, and now tonight, it's all gonna come crashing down for Zack, right in front of his family and friends! COLE That remains to be seen, Coach, but what a match, and what a situation. CWM, at the request of Theodore Moneymaker, will take on Zack Malibu here tonight on HeldDOWN~! Also tonight on this episode we'll see the Mardi Gras Homewrecking meet the Christ Air Express in the first round of the Anderson cup, along with Panic At The Disco facing off against Team Heyross! Plus the in ring debut of NAME! And we hear that Josie Baker has a big announcement for the 300th episode of OAOAST HeldDOWN from Dodger Stadium! COMING UP NEXT FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION MARDI GRAS HOMEWRECKING CREW VS CHRIST AIR EXPRESS NEXT TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT ORIGINAL GANGSTAS CWM VS ZACK MALIBU TONIGHT!

"I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord And I've been waiting for this moment For all my life, oh lord Oh lord." COLE Six man tag time, let's send it up to the ring! BUFFER The following six man tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing team number one... first, total combined weight, five hundred and fourty five pounds. Originally from New York City... "THE ALPHA MALE" DETECTIVE TTAAAAAAAANNGGOOOOOO... BBBOOOOOSSSSSLLLLEEEEEYYYY!!! And his partner, from Miami, Florida... CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN... C... P... A!!! Together, they comprise the team of... V . I . C . E!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" With "In The Air Tonight" by Nonpoint playing them to the ring the V.I.C.E squad look as motivated as ever. It's just one is a little more vocal about it. As the song kicks up a gear, Bosley scales the turnbuckles and pounds himself with about 10 overhand chops and so fired up is he that he doesn't feel a thing. CPA just stands by the ropes, staring out into the crowd with a menacing look on his face. COLE The OAOAST guns for hire, working for free tonight if Spencer Reiger is to be believed. He claims that he'd never pay anyone to fight his battles for him. Not sure if we should believe that or not personally. COACH You should, because as usual your boy Coach has all the scoops. And don't worry about V.I.C.E, they're getting well compensated for stepping in the ring with Baron Windels, trust me. COLE By Theodore Moneymaker? COACH Who else? COLE Alright. In that case, V.I.C.E on Enterprise business tonight which I guess shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. As Bosley tries to psych the stoic CPA up, "The World Is Mine" by David Guetta hits. A wealth of flickering and flashing spotlights alternate between entirely red and entirely white across the entrance stage. The lights on the floor then turn blue cutting through a thin haze that fills the stage. Stepping into this tranquil mist, Spencer Reiger walks out gabbing about how great he is already. BUFFER And introducing their tag team partner. From Manhattan, New York... weighing in at two hundred, ten pounds. He is "THE ONE MAN TRIPLE THREAT"... SSSSPPPEEEEEEEEENNCCCCCEEEEEEERRRRR... RRRREEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGEEEEERRRRRRR!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Spencer saunters down the ramp, cloaked by a bright white spotlight to contrast the flashing blue and red "SR" shaped illuminations on the entrance ramp. In a rare show of sociability, Spencer actually offers a high-five to a couple of children at the bottom of the aisle. Unfortunately, the only person in the arena not expecting the fakeout is the soon to be traumatised youngster who falls into the cruel trick. COACH SERVED! Sliding into the ring, Spencer climbs the turnbuckles and rips open his Ed Hardy hoody to show off his well toned bod, to very vocal approval from Detective Bosley. Bosley is so fired up he grabs Spencer in a headlock as he steps off the ropes and aims to pump his partner up. Not used to Bosley's ways, Spencer pulls away and tries to get some hearing back after having someone shout down his ear from close range. COLE When we come back, our six-man tag team contest live from Providence! *COMMERCIAL BREAK* By the time we return, Spencer and Bosley have made things up and are busy picking out random people in the crowd to point and laugh at, or in Bosley's case yell insults to at the top of his lungs. Super serious CPA's attention is on the entrance, waiting for "Thriller" by Fallout Boy to hit. Red and blue lights shine out as Baron Windels makes his way out, followed seconds later by new tag team partner and all round niceguy Tim Cash. Tim allows Baron to have centre stage and even joins in with the cheers of the crowd. BUFFER And the opponents! From Peoria, Illinois and weighing two hundred, twenty pounds... proudly known as wrestling's last real good guy... TTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMM... CCAAAAAAASSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!! His tag team partner hails from San Antonio, Texas. He weighs two hundred and sixty five pounds... "THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGER"... BBAAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOOONN... WWWWIIIIIIIIIIIINNDDEEEEEELLLLLLSSSSSSSSS!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Getting to the ring, Baron and Cash now face the insults of their opponents leaning over the ropes. COLE This new tag team combination, advancing in the Anderson Cup at the New Year's Spectacular. Tonight though is about personal grudges. Baron has had his issues with The Enterprise in recent months. And I'm sure Tim Cash will be relishing the chance to get his hands on Spencer Reiger. COACH Pah! This simp's so nice, if he did get his hands on him, he'd probably rather give Spencer a nice massage than a beating. The two teams argue back and forth, or at least Baron does, Tim too nice to be getting into arguements. But Spencer and Bosley's insults are silenced and the crowd are brought to their feet by Trust Company's "Rock The Casbah". Apparantly not getting the memo from earlier, neither look happy to see the World Heavyweight Champion making his way out to round out the opposition team. Leon does a robe-displaying spin at the top of the stage before opening it up to reveal the gold around his waist. BUFFER And finally... from Grand Rapids, Michigan! Weighing two hundred, eighteen pounds. "THE GRAND RAPIDS GOLDEN CHILD"... ladies and gentlemen, he is your OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... "SILKY SMOOTH"... LLLLLLEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOONN... RRRRRRRROOOOOOODDEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Leon tags hands down the aisle in rapid-fire fashion, apparantly tiring himself out by the time he reaches ringside as he calls for a timeout. There to meet him, Baron with a high-five and Cash with a friendly handshake. COLE Leon coming off of his first World Title defence at the New Year's Spectacular, in convincing fashion. And we heard him earlier tonight, he wants more competition and better competition at that. You have to admire that from the World Champion. COACH What sort of behaviour is that for an OAOAST World Champion though? He should be AWOL by now, next title defence scheduled mid-March, not this 'more competition' stuff. The fan favourite trio enter the ring with Leon unstrapping the World Title and holding it overhead to one side of the crowd. Leon hands the title over to the referee and his team go into conference, while Spencer Reiger looks to start out for the opposing side. COACH No sign of Melody with Baron. Wonder why that is. COLE Let's not start that. Cash wins out in a three-way rock paper scissors route, but still offers to let Leon start in a kind gesture. The World Champ turns down the charity though and gets the crowd clapping from the apron instead. *DINGDINGDING* Despite all the past history telling him otherwise, Cash still offers a handshake to Reiger at the start. COACH Oh boy. Will this guy ever learn? Rolling his eyes, Spencer spits at the offer and SLAPS Cash across the face! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Leon climbs onto the bottom rope to get Spencer's attention, apparantly very important that he hears his question; "what the hell dude, come on". Showing more disrespect, Spencer mouths off to Leon... but while he's distracted, Cash grabs him by the hand and gives him the handshake!! Reiger freaks out and yanks his hand away, then tries to take Cash's head off with a clothesline. Cash ducks though and Spencer stumbles forward... into a SLAP FROM LEON... sending Spencer reeling into ANOTHER HANDSHAKE, then an armdrag!! COLE See, that wasn't so hard, was it? COACH Come on! Forcing a man to be respectful, no call for that! Sidestepping a charge, Cash drops down as Spencer comes off the ropes. Shuffling around he then looks for a monkey flip, but Spencer puts on the brakes and rakes the sole of his boot across Cash's face! The scowling Prodigy points accusingly at Leon, then goes for an elbow drop, but Cash moves out of the way! Jarring his elbow, more misery follows as Cash goes behind and pulls Spencer down with an O'Connor roll-up... 1... 2... No! Both men scramble back up and Cash is the quickest to react with a wring of the arm. Tag is made and to a big cheer, Leon Rodez comes in. COLE Great reaction for the World Champion! Leon drives an elbow into the out-stretched arm of Spencer. Then, just for the hell of it, another slap upside the head to the arrogant youngster. With Bosley getting steamed up on the outside the referee has to encourage him to calm down as Leon waits on Reiger. Scoop and a slam places him in centre of the ring and coming off the ropes, Leon leaps. Spencer rolls out of the way, but does so too quickly and Leon simply abandons his plans and lands safely on his feet. Unfortunately Reiger isn't aware of that, too busy pointing to his head and showing Leon's partners how smart he is. COACH Behind you Spencer! COLE Leon, waiting, very patiently I might add. Hands on hips, Leon whistles away to himself while he waits for Spencer, to turn around into an Inverted Atomic Drop! COLE Oooh! Reiger hops up and down in pain to the amusement of the Rhode Island crowd. After a consolatary pat on the back Rodez sends him off the ropes with an irish whip, but makes the mistake of ducking his head. Reiger delivers a quick kick to the chest and then dives over to make the tag to Tango Bosley. BOSLEY HELL FREAKIN' YEAH!!! All amped up Bosley charges into the ring. And pretty soon he gets better acquainted with part of the ring as he goes face-first into the mat off a drop toehold. COLE I don't know if it's all the donuts and coffee but Bosley's got a real hyper-activity issue that he should probably look into. Leon waits for Bosley to get back up and executes a dropkick, sending him staggering back into the opponent's corner. Following in, Leon leaps up and lands on Bosley's thighs, making the tag to Baron before he falls back and takes the Detective up and over with a monkey flip. Baron steps in and Leon goes to whip him into Bosley, but Tango ducks his head and Leon thinks quickly by pulling Baron back and whipping him the other way. A sacrifical lunge across the turnbuckles by Tim Cash prevents Baron from hitting the turnbuckles and as Bosley misses with a clothesline on Leon, he runs into a raised boot from Baron! COLE Good on the fly teamwork from the team of Baron, Cash and Leon, as here's a cover. 1... 2... No! Big Texan right hands stagger Bosley into a neutral corner and Baron loads him up into the opposite side. As he comes charging though CPA wanders down the apron and pulls his partner to safety! Missing the BUTT bump, Baron gets caught by CPA in the corner and Bosley charges... but ends up punching CPA in the face by mistake! COLE Not such good teamwork on the V.I.C.E side of things though! More like the Keystone Cops! Down goes CPA, Bosley soon to follow him with a clothesline up and over the top. V.I.C.E recordinate on the outside, but not for long, as Baron backdrops Tim Cash up and over WITH A CROSSBODY TO THE OUTSIDE!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" COACH That wasn't very 'nice', was it? COLE Looked nice to me. Great hangtime on the former EMT's part, wiping out both members of V.I.C.E. With his partners in disarray Spencer Reiger decides to jump in and do something about it, but all he succeeds in doing is getting punched in the breadbasket by Baron. The Texan then hands Spencer off to Leon, who comes soaring in off the top rope with a Crossbody Block to take The Prodigy out and send him scampering to the outside! "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" As Leon steps out, Bosley is dumped back into the ring and takes a vertical suplex from Baron. Hook of the leg... 1... 2... No! Baron brings Bosley over to the corner and makes the tag to Tim Cash who's just retook his place on the apron. A whip from Windels leads to a drop-down, forcing Bosley up and over into a standing dropkick! Cover... 1... 2... No! COLE Former partners in there right now, Tim Cash getting his hands on the man who sold him out last year Tango Bosley. COACH He didn't 'sell out', he bought in. Bought into the mantra of The Enterprise, win at all costs. This nice guy act didn't get Rescue 911 anywhere and Bosley managed to figure that out before it was too late and they got the Flex Phillips treatment! Bringing his former partner back up, Cash lands a forearm. And a second. And a third, not resorting to illegal closed fist strikes even against his former best friend. Cash then connects with another standing dropkick and gets the crowd fired up. As Bosley recovers Timmy hits the ropes... ...and gets tripped up by Spencer Reiger who'd been laying in the proverbial reeds! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Baron quickly jumps to his partner's aid but only makes things worse as Bosley pounces with a vicious attack on Cash, pounding the back of the head with repeated blows before turning him over and choking him! The referee manages to put Baron out and catches Bosley in the act, screaming at his former partner. "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" "FIVE!" Annoyed at being reprimanded, Bosley reaches into his pocket and produces his POLICE BADGE. COACH Yeah, you tell 'em Bosley! You're the law and order in the OAOAST! Bosley's rank and file doesn't do much for Mike Chioda. What it does do is allow Spencer Reiger to pull Cash halfway out of the ring and strike him in the gut. COLE What a jerk this guy is. COACH He's a winner with a winner's mentality. Sorry it's not nice enough for you, but nice don't pay the bills. Dragging Cash back into the ring, Bosley drops an elbow on his former tag team parner. He then makes the tag to big CPA, legal in the match for the first time. The ex-bouncer whips Cash off of the ropes, then bounces him to the mat with a firm shoulder tackle. Lateral press... 1... 2... No! CPA pulls Cash back up and takes his time setting him up for a gutwrench. An effortless gutwrench slam follows, just dumping Cash on his back. CPA glares over at Baron and Leon for a second before following up, pressing his foot down on Cash's head as he tags Reiger back into the match. COLE V.I.C.E and their newfound friend have isolated Tim Cash and finally have some cohesion going. This crowd still in the corner of the nicest man in wrestling though. They're not going to give up on him. COACH That's cause they're fools, just like him. Sometimes you've gotta give up on lost causes. You don't want to put the old family dog down because he's so loveable, but when he hits 17 and the bladder starts to go he can't do anything anymore. COLE What does that have to do with Tim Cash? COACH He's getting beaten down like a homeless dog on a street corner right now, how 'bout that? Having put the boots to Cash, Spencer further torments the crowd by 'riding the donkey'. Baron gets drawn into the ring again and Spencer quickly uses the opening to drape Cash over the ropes and choke him some more, to the fury of the fans. Once the referee turns around, he acts the innocent and proclaims to have done nothing wrong. "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" Nudging Cash off of the ropes Spencer steps to the outside. On the apron he encourages the fans to chant louder, then jumps in over the top landing right on Cash's chest with both feet!! COACH Drove the wind right out of him! Cover by Reiger, positioning himself near the ropes... 1... ...and sure enough putting his feet on the bottom rope... 2... No! Before he can be questioned, Spencer reaches up and tags Bosley, holding Cash down for a big stomp to the chest. "LET'S GO TIM!" "LET'S GO TIM!" "LET'S GO TIM!" "LET'S GO TIM!" COACH By the way, what a weak-ass name Tim is. Spencer, Tango, Christopher, those are some real names. What the hell is 'Tim'? Bosley helps Cash up and boots him in the gut. Off the ropes, he follows that up with a front flipping Swinging Neckbreaker. Impressed by his own move Bosley psyches himself up, then makes the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! The hyper Detective gets up in referee Chioda's face and threatens to get his badge out again if he doesn't start doing a better job. COACH You'd better listen ref. If Bosley says it's three, it's three, unless you wanna be on the end of some police brutality next time you're doing 36 in a 30 zone. Once Bosley's done chewing out the official (definately no homo!) he turns back to Tim. Encouraging him to get back up Bosley lies in wait. Cash struggles to his feet and brushing past him, Bosley shows off his tremendous agility as he vaults to the middle rope and launches himself backwards with an elbow. Unfortunately, Cash is well aware of what's coming and ducks down, causing Bosley to slam into the canvas!! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COACH Damnit, how did he do that!? COLE Well Tim Cash has got a lot of heart and I mean that in more ways than one. Rolling back up, Bosley tries to grab a hold of Cash. Dropping to all fours Cash is able to crawl through the legs to escape and DIVES TO TAG BARON!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" Baron comes in swinging, nailing Bosley with three big Texas rights to drop him. Reiger comes in and it takes just the one punch to get rid of him. Irish whip then sends Bosley for the ride, setting him up for a high BAAAAACK bodydrop! In mid celebration Baron notices CPA trying to come in and runs him off the apron before he goes back to the important business of firing up the crowd. COLE Baron Windels, an old fashioned house of fire! Another irish whip sends Bosley into the corner this time. When Baron follows in the Detective is able to counter though, landing an elbow. Baron staggers to the middle of the ring and Bosley catches the boot as Baron attempts to cut off his charge. With Windels hopping on one foot Bosley berates him, even as he's swinging him around and right up until the point he gets cut down with the MYSPACE COMEBACK! Cover by Baron... 1... 2... NO! Baron backs Bosley up against the ropes with right hands and sends him for the ride, catching him off the ropes with a Powerslam! 1... 2... NO! Climbing back up Baron slaps his hands into the mat and signals he's going to round 'em up, whatever that means. COLE Baron calling for the finish. Go get 'em cowboy! COACH Dude, be gayer. Baron pulls Bosley into a front facelock as he gets back up.. but CPA pounces from behind! A double sledge to the back breaks up the DDT attempt. COLE CPA with the save and now it's two on one, come on ref! Together the V.I.C.E squad whip Baron to the ropes, joining hands to deliver a double clothesline. But Baron ducks underneath the lines and clocks the guns for hire's heads together! Bosley stumbles backwards into a corner as Baron whips CPA into the opposite set of turnbuckles. A clothesline crushes Bosley in the corner and Baron lines CPA up next, but is stopped by Leon Rodez entering the ring. COLE What is this now? After a quick discussion, Leon walks over and pops CPA with a jab. Baron and Leon then run forward and pass each other... DOUBLE KNEES~! to Bosley... and BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS FOR CPA!!! COLE Some more teamwork, that's what it is! COACH This what Bosley's talking about. This referee has no authority whatsoever. A dropkick puts Bosley out through the ropes and to the floor as Baron pats the World Champ on the back. He then charges back towards CPA, right into a FRONT SPINEBUSTER!! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Wow, what power from CPA! As Baron rolls out of the ring holding the back of his head, CPA nails Leon with a Big Boot! Cover is made... 1... 2... NO! CPA quickly pulls Leon back up though and singals that it's over. With a gutwrench he loads Leon up over his shoulder looking for the Dominator... but Leon manages to squirm out of CPA's grasp and land on his feet! Growling, CPA swings backwards with his elbow, Leon managing to duck and catch CPA with a jab! A jab! A jab! A jab! Rodez turns, blowing the kiss, before turning back on his heels... *SMACK!* ...and nailing CPA upside the head with the enziguri! COLE MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT! On unsteady legs CPA goes stumbling across the ring and ends up falling against the ropes, where Leon puts all he's got behind a clothesline to send him over the top to the floor. Leon turns away and checks his nose for blood from the effects of the earlier boot. And that gives Spencer Reiger an opening, scrambling onto the apron and delivering a running enziguri from the outside!! "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE What a shot! COACH Get on him Spencer, pin him! With real eagerness, Spencer does just that... COACH Yes, he's got the World Champ beat! 1... 2... NO!! Spencer holds his head in despair having thought for sure he'd won it. COLE What a statement that would have made. That might have forced Josie Baker into an eleventh hour rethink on the new number one contender debate. COACH Might have? If Spencer knocks the World Champion off, he's GOT to be the number one contender. And it might happen right now. The young Prodigy still senses victory and he waits on Leon to get back up, catching him with a boot to the gut. To howls of derision Spencer then hooks up the arms and prepares to add Leon's name to the Reiger Counter... ...NO! Leon spins out of the Pedigree attempt and drags Reiger into an Exploder Suplex! COLE No, counter by Leon! Back up, Spencer walks into a pick-up and an inverted atomic drop. Leon then turns Spencer around... into the hands of Tim Cash, who trips Reiger up and slaps on the MIDWEST SLING!!! COLE Submission hold, can Spencer find a way out of the Midwest Sling? Leon quickly takes guard and knocks Bosley from the apron, as Spencer fights the hold... ...but HAS TO TAP OUT!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE No he can't!! *DINGDINGDING!* BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners of the match... the team of BARON WINDELS... TIM CASH... and the OAOAST Heavyweight Champion LEON RRRROOOODDEEEEEEZZZZZZ!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Letting Spencer go, Cash watches him roll from the ring with a look of satisfaction but not arrogance of course. He and Leon congratulate each other on the victory leading to a long handshake as they each try and give the other credit for the win. COLE Victory for the World Champion and the Anderson Cup contenders here on the first HeldDOWN of 2009! Baron comes in to join the congratulations, while V.I.C.E have bailed out, not hanging around for their partner who is busy running down Cash to the nearest camera while grimacing in pain from his back. He moves along, just as we see OAOAST President Josie Baker appear on the big screen, causing the music to cut. JOSIE Congratulations guys. Very enjoyable match. Baron, Tim, if you guys could please leave I've got some business to take care of. With parting handshakes and backslaps respectively, Baron and Tim leave the World Champion to it as he collects a microphone. JOSIE Well, congratulations Leon. Another fine victory. But, I'm sure you're wondering already what I've come up with for you in terms of a number one contender and I've spent all night going over notes and records and so on. And I've come to a decision that I think you'll find hard to dispute. After much thought, I've decided that at Anglepalooza, you Leon Rodez will be defending your OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship against... this man... Pause for dramatic effect. I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" COLE Oh NO! Pure hatred is expressed by the fans for the arrival, grinning from ear to ear, of "The Real American Dick" himself MR. DICK!! Mr. Dick turns to the big screen and applauds the OAOAST President before turning to Leon, who holds his hands on his hips, not a fan of the decision purely for personal reasons. COACH I gotta tip my hat, a great decision from the desk of Josie Baker! COLE Mr. Dick, the number one contender!? COACH Hey, even you've gotta admit The Dickman has been ON POINT for months now. Who else is more worthy? COLE Well I may not like Mr. Dick and it's clear these fans don't either, but even I can't deny his impressive performances of late. But even so... "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" MR. DICK Ya'll gonna be the ones sucking me if ya don't pipe down! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MR. DICK First things first, I gotta congratulate Josie Baker on making the right call and making the number one Dick in America the number one contender. Finally a broad who's capable of putting together a half decent thought in her head! 'Bout damn time! Josie kinda scowls at the not so impressive 'praise'. MR. DICK And come Anglepalooza, I'm gonna make sure that decision weren't for nothin'. Everybody knows that Mr. Dick doesn't do things by halves. When Mr. Dick does something, he does it hard and he does it right. And I've got big plans for that belt already, trust me when I say that. First off, I'm done gonna take that OAOAST World Title off of your scrawny ass at the Anglepalooza, guaranteed, because there's not a damn man in that locker room that can measure up to me and that includes you pornstar! If Mr. Dick went that route, I'd put the rest of the damn porn business outta business just through penis envy and vagina transplants alone! COLE What does he mean by that? I dread to think. MR. DICK An' then, once I'm the World Heavyweight Champion, you better believe me and Malaysia are gonna have the celebration to end all other celebrations! That shit's gonna be red-hot. You know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me one'a them there action figures with the tiny championship belts in the packaging and I'll use the damn thing as a cock ring! How 'bout that! COACH Oh yeah, just imagine! COLE I'd really rather not. MR. DICK But most importantly of all, once I've finished celebrating Malaysia's brains out, I'm gonna do the one thing that'll make Dickzilla harder than anything else. Mr. Dick's gonna penetrate the hopes and dreams of all of Los Angeles. Cause at the 300th HeldDOWN, I'm gonna do what I told the world I was gonna do. And I'm gonna do it a couple months early. And that's beat Krista Isadora Duncan, make her submit to Mr. Dick, right there in front of all her friends and her family and her followers. I'm gonna humiliate her. I'm gonna annihilate her. I'm gonna DOMINATE her! And then... LEON Uh... can... can I interrupt just a quick second? Mr. Dick stops in mid-sentence, not looking pleased at being interrupted. LEON Sorry if you forget I was standing here or something, what with this World Title acceptance speech you seem to be making. I just have one quick question to ask. And I hate to sound like I'm complaining again, because I'm really not, but Josie I have to ask out of pure curiousity, just what made you choose Mr. Dick as the number one contender? Did you just want a positive role model for our OAOAST fans to look up to? Or is there some sort of potential merchandise line of assless chaps you want to push through? MR. DICK Hey, we all know how ya love the sound of your voice, but save ya jokes because this Dick ain't never gonna be laughed at! I'm the hottest commodity in the OAOAST! I'm a multi Angle Award winner! LEON ...... ...... Oh, wait, you're being serious. ...... MR. DICK You're just jealous cause you didn't win any! LEON All those who care, please raise your hands? Not a single arm goes up in the entire arena. LEON Thank you. No, seriously though, You know what, it really doesn't matter how or why, the fact is you're stepping in the ring with me at Anglepalooza for the World Title. And now that we've got the intrigue and speculation out of the way... now that I think about it, I'm actually quite looking forward to it. Really. I think I'll quite enjoy chopping Mr. Dick down to size a little bit. So to speak. MR. DICK Hey! HEY! I'll tell ya what I did to get named number one contender son, I beat your two little boyband friends within an inch of their pathetic little lives! And I'll do the damn same to you at Anglepalooza! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Far from being drawn in by the threat, Leon just smiles. LEON I think this is the part where I say "hey, why wait until Anglepalooza", right? MR. DICK And this is there part where I kick your damn ass! Dropping his microphone Mr. Dick suddenly starts to march to the ring, pulling off his tied-up white shirt on the way. Leon is ready for him. And despite the look on Josie's face indicating this isn't what she was hoping for with this public announcement, it's soon BREAKING DOWN IN PROVIDENCE as Mr. Dick slides into a slugfest with Leon!!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE The World Champion and the number one contender getting into it!! Exchanging right hands Leon and Mr. Dick go back and forth, the crowd going wild for the already wild scenes. Eventually Mr. Dick manages to go to the eyes on Leon and sends him reeling away. Crouching down in the corner and showing way too much of his lower anatomy crammed into his tiny short shorts, Mr. Dick lays in wait as he looks to take Leon's head off with the STIFF KICK.... DUCKED!! The Human Hard On curses and runs at Leon again, but gets caught with a drop toehold and lands throat first across the middle rope! COLE Uh-oh! COACH No, move Dick, move! Leon does a quick jig and hits the ropes... pulling up as Mr. Dick rolls out of the ring! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Throwing his hands up, Mr. Dick backs off as Leon quickly grabs his OAOAST World Title belt and raises it over his head with a grin. Furious, Mr. Dick thinks about going back in, but officials have finally hit the ring and make Mr. Dick's mind up for him about leaving, as does the cueing of "Rock The Casbah". COLE Mr. Dick not feeling quite so 'cocky' now. But he will get his date with the World Heavyweight Champion, Sunday night January 29th at Anglepalooza! COACH And that's when it counts, with the gold on the line. I already told you 2009'll be the Year Of The Dick and the year's gonna start as it means to go on, with success. The biggest Dick of them all needs the biggest belt of them all, it only stands to reason. With Mr. Dick jawing away, Leon stands tall in the ring with the World Heavyweight Title. For now. COMING UP NEXT LEGEND AGAINST LEGEND CWM VS ZACK MALIBU NEXT!

I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT ENTERPRISE VICE A Theodore Moneymaker Production Filmed with Theodore Moneymaker's Siclopse STARRING CHRISTOPHER PATRICK ALLEN AS THE GRIZZLED VETERAN TANGO BOSLEY AS THE HOTHEADED DETECTIVE AND INSPECTOR NERDLY AS THE ROOKIE TAPED EARLIER THIS WEEK It's a sunny, yet chilly day in Indianapolis, cold conditions made even more frigid by the V.I.C.E patrol that exits a dodge charger. Yearning to show of his south beach tan, Bosley eschews common sense, and wear Bermuda shorts and a black wife beater against this frosty weather. CPA appears more professional in a black pinned striped suit, while Inspector Nerdly looks ready for a day at the mall in denim skirt, red and purple stripped leg warmer and ruffled brown denim coat. Through steel rimmed sun glasses the trio gaze at a quaint inner city home that no more than a story and still boasting Christmas decorations. CPA This is the place. The three head up the long staircase to the house with Inspector Nerdly leading the way. She gives three taps on the door. A balding, overweight, middle aged man with a five o'clock shadow opens it. His bulbous frame is held within white boxer shorts and a white undershirt. Through squinted eyes he stares at the unusual troupe, trying to figure out what's brought them to his front porch. Inspector Nerdly greets him with a warm smile, while her companions hold ice cold stares. INSPECTOR NERDLY Hi, Jeff Hiller? MAN Yeah, that's me. INSPECTOR NERDLY How are you? My name is Morgan and these are my friends Christopher and Tango. DETECTIVE BOSLEY What's up, player? How's it hanging? JEFF What do you want? INSPECTOR NERDLY We have a few questions for you. About the accident on the Christmas edition of HeldDOWN. The one where Theodore Moneymaker's limo blew up. The limo you were driving. Do you mind? JEFF (nervously) I actually do. I don't have time for questions. Inspector Nerdly bites back a scowl and instead comes out with a bright and cheery smile. INSPECTOR NERDLY Do you have time to get charged with arson? Jeff is stunned by that question, unsure of its seriousness. JEFF Arson? Her smile spreads even wider as the dread in his heart grows all the bigger. INSPECTOR NERDLY Well, that's what you'll be looking it when we find out you were behind the explosion. Arson and probably attempt to commit murder. Then there's the lower charge of vandalism. I wonder what homeland security would say about a bomb? CPA You got money for a good lawyer? Public Defenders don't look out for guys like you. No gain in it. JEFF You people...don't know what you're talking about. DETECTIVE BOSLEY Just tell us what's up, player! Quit actin like a bitch, and act like a man. In Jeff's moment of weakness Inspector Nerdly and V.I.C.E force themselves into Jeff's humble modestly decorated home. He doesn't attempt to stop them, instead sinking down in his chair and putting his hand on his now throbbing head. No homo. JEFF I didn't have anything to do with that bomb. Nothing! INSPECTOR NERDLY Mister Hiller, I thought a limo driver's job was to drive the limo. So, I guess, I'm not to bright, but I thought that meant they stay inside the limo, behind the wheel, ready to drive it. But, if you were behind the wheel at the time of the explosion we wouldn't be having this conversation. JEFF So...so..so...wh...wh...what's your point? INSPECTOR NERDLY You didn't explode. Jeff, you lived. That means you're either very lucky, you're fireproof, or you were in on it. Call me cynical, but I'm picking option C. DETECTIVE BOSLEY You an arsonist, Jeffery? Is that how you roll? You set fires like a punk? Bosley's words, full of fire and vigor, frighten the already alarmed suspect and his words are blurt, absent of confidence. JEFF No! No! I had nothing to do with it! INSPECTOR NERDLY Why are you lying to me? JEFF I'm not! Inspector Nerdly lays her soft femmine hands on his shoulders like she were soon to give him a deep tissue massage. Her delicate touch is all the more disconcerting, and he shifts awkwardly in his chair. INSPECTOR NERDLY I can hurt you Jeffery. JEFF What? Inspector Nerdly rubs his shoulders with the perfect precision of a trained masseuse. INSPECTOR NERDLY I can hurt you very bad. JEFF What? INSPECTOR NERDLY I bet you don't think I can. If I could read your mind, it'd probably tell me that you think I'm some harmless little kid. How could I pose a threat to you, big macho guy? You're wrong. I pose a big threat. JEFF What is this? INSPECTOR NERDLY (pointing at a picture) Is that your family? I can hurt them to. JEFF You're crazy! CPA Wrong word, man. Wrong word. The massage comes to an abrupt end, but IN's hold on Jeff does not. Now it morphs into something vicious, vulgar and cruel. A strangle like the talons of a mythical beast. INSPECTOR NERDLY I am not crazy, that's not the right word. I have post traumatic stress disorder and psychopathic tendencies. We're not really talking about me, Human Torch! We're talking about you, the guy that likes to blow people up. Why'd you do it? JEFF I didn't! DETECTIVE BOSLEY Dude, just quit the lyin and spill your guts! JEFF I'm not lying! INSPECTOR NERDLY I don't wanna hurt you. Even though you called me crazy, I think you and I could be great friends. But you're really not giving me any choice. CPA You better just tell her the truth, man. JEFF I'm telling the truth! I am! INSPECTOR NERDLY I want to believe you. I really do. But I just can't. JEFF Please, I told you what happened. I told you where I was. I told you everything! What do you want from me? INSPECTOR NERDLY I just want you to scream. Morgan pulls a tazer out her pocket, putting fear into the eyes of the driver. Despite CPA and Bosley standing in the doorway, he makes a mad bid for the exit. He gets no further than an inch before she strikes him with a blast of electricity. He falls to the ground, face buried in the wood, screaming out in agony. INSPECTOR NERDLY That was setting number one, just so ya know. Number one out of ten. Just so ya know. BOSLEY Holy shit! Holy shit! CPA, man, did you fuckin see that? Did you fuckin see that?! That was awesome! Fuck this faggot! Inspector Nerdly tosses her deadly weapon up and down in her hand, all the while glaring evilly at her victim. Her face is strained, she's trying her hardest to control herself, to stop from shooting him again. INSPECTOR NERDLY I'm gonna find out the truth about all this someday. Someday soon. You better just hope the truth doesn't lead back to you. Because if it does. Your family- JEFF Okay! Okay! Someone gave me a note. Is that good enough. CPA Names. JEFF I...I...just leave me alone! INSPECTOR NERDLY Who? We can protect you from him, if you want. But we can't fight someone who we don't even know. JEFF Someone! I don't know! He was wearing a Moneymaker mask and a tuxedo. The note said stay away from the limo, it was written in blood. BOSLEY Figures. Guy like this ain't smart enough to pull off a job like that. INSPECTOR NERDLY Give it to me. JEFF Its in the bedroom. I'll get it. BOSLEY Heh-heh, you ain't goin NOWHERE! Yer our bitch boy until we say so. CPA marches to the bedroom to retrieve the note. It takes him no more than fifteen seconds before he comes back with a crumpled up sheet of paper. BOSLEY Sick fucks, man! I can't wait to bust these punks! INSPECTOR NERDLY Hmmm. You're pretty helpful after all, aren't you? Shocking! Heheheeh. Love to stick around, but we've got evidence to analyze. See you around! ZAAAP! Leaving Jeff in a state of mind numbing anguish with that second electrical jolt, Inspector Nerdly glides out the door with V.I.C.E trailing right behind her. COMMERCIAL HD~! in HD returns from break to the always expensively and extensively designed Enterprise dressing room. Watching the footage of VICE's investigation, are the wine sipping duo of Christian Wright and Lorelei DeCenzo. Too young to drink wine, Inspector Nerdly sips on a Capri Sun as she watches her handiwork. WRIGHT So it to grieves to me learn that this slugabed be not the cause of our hearts ill. For it would have been pleasure's winter song to hear this grim business is at its end. Even so you have done well. Far beyond the expectations our confidence spoke to you. INSPECTOR NERDLY Oh? Um, thanks. LORELEI There's still the matter of who gave that man the note. Anyone can prick their finger and scribble down a sentence in blood. WRIGHT Yet it takes only an archfiend to author such notes as death warrant. INSPECTOR NERDLY There's a problem, nobody pricked anything. No one broke into a blood bank and dipped a pen in a vial of blood. Jeff got it wrong, that note wasn't written in blood, it was written in cheap shit lipstick. LORELEI Cheap shit lipstick, you say? That settles it, Jade wrote the note! WRIGHT Am I to hold it as true that a woman is the mastermind behind this infringement of our peace? INSPECTOR NERDLY See, that's where things start to get a little weird. CPA and I crossmatched the note with the hand writing of every female in the company and get this, we didn't get one single match. Not a one. LORELEI Run it again. I'll bet you thirty thousand dollars in cash that Krista was behind it. INSPECTOR NERDLY Well...um...we ran it twice. I can do it again if you want. But I think we found the match. LORELEI Who? INSPECTOR NERDLY Mariachi of Los Diablos. WRIGHT The swine! That merchant of filth has every nueropathway of his brain urging him to rais arms towards Mister Moneymaker. To think that he might have aided arson or been the sole cause of it is an idea that is of no great stretch. INSPECTOR NERDLY I don't think he aided it at all. I think he did it! LORELEI If he's the guilty party then he has to be punished. INSPECTOR NERDLY Bosley's all ready on making preparations. He's a cool guy. So intense. LORELEI That's one word for it. INSPECTOR NERDLY And he called me awesome. That...that, was awesome. LORELEI And Mariachi? What about him. INSPECTOR NERDLY Don't worry. I'm gonna get him, and I'm gonna end him. FADE OUT COMING UP NEXT SIX MAN TAG LEON RODEZ, TIM CASH AND BARON WINDELS VS V.I.C.E AND SPENCER REIGER NEXT!

We return in Josie's office, where Thunderkid and Reject are angrily discussing something with Josie Baker. TK Why are those guys in the tournament? JOSIE OK, just calm down, you two... Reject pulls a paper out of his pocket. REJECT This contract says that Team Heyross does not get another shot at the OAOAST tag team titles as long as they are held by Thunderkid and Reject. So, there's really no purpose for them to be in this tournament! JOSIE Well, this would be a loophole, then. The winners of the previous year's Anderson Cup, which was Team Heyross, gets an automatic spot in the following year's tournament. And the winner of the tournament WILL get a shot at the World tag team champions, no matter who holds those belts. TK and Reject react in frustration, as the crowd cheers. JOSIE Now then, I'm a busy person, you two will have to leave. TK and Reject walk out, as Josie looks on. Rock Your Baby hits, as the lights go out, the multi-colored disco ball lowers from the ceiling and the arena fills with a humid, haze-like smoke. Vinny Valentine, Biff Atlas, Ken Pantera, and Tony Tourettes make their way through the curtains. COLE Anderson Cup action up next, let's to Michael Buffer! BUFFER The following is a first-round Anderson Cup tag team match, scheduled for one fall! Making their way to the ring, accompanied by Tony Tourettes and Ken Pantera...at a combined weight of 448 pounds...they are the #8 seed in the Los Infernales bracket...the team of VINNY VALENTINE and BIFF ATLAS...PANIC AT THE DISSSSSSSSSSSSSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! COLE Big test for Vinny and Biff, as they draw the defending Anderson Cup champions! Vinny does his dance in the ring, as Biff stands in the corner and waits, as Shine hits, and the crowd comes to its feet as Team Heyross makes its way to the ring. BUFFER Their opponents...at a combined weight of 485 pounds...they are the #1 seed in the Los Infernales bracket...the team of CHARLIE MOSS and QUENTIN BENJAMIN...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM MM HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSS!!!!! COACH This is not right, Cole, I'm telling you! COLE Well, as President Josie Baker said earlier tonight, this is the one loophole in that contract, Team Heyross gets one last shot at Thunderkid and Reject if they prevail in the Anderson Cup! Team Heyross prepares themselves in the ring, as the referee calls for the bell. *DING DING DING* Vinny starts off with Quentin Benjamin, and dances around the ring, then ties up. Vinny goes behind, but Benjamin counters with a drop toe hold, then grabs a side headlock. Benjamin lays back on the headlock. 1... 2... Vinny gets the shoulder up. Vinny works his way back to his feet, and shoves Benjamin into the ropes. Benjamin takes Vinny down with a shoulderblock, then runs to the ropes again. Vinny rolls over, then attempts a clothesline, which Benjamin ducks, and hits a flying bodypress! 1... 2... Kickout! Vinny gets to his feet, and delivers a kick to the gut, then grabs a side headlock. Benjamin shoves Vinny into the ropes, and drops down, then gets up and leapfrogs Vinny, then catches him with a hiptoss! He then catches Vinny with an armdrag, then goes to an armbar! COLE Well, so far, Vinny has been trying to match wrestling with Quentin Benjamin, and it has not worked out for him at all! Benjamin drags Vinny over and tags in Moss. COLE And the first tag of the match, made by Team Heyross! Benjamin holds Vinny, as Moss lays in a kick, then takes over on the arm. He sets up Vinny in the corner, and delivers some forearms, then attempts an Irish whip. Vinny reverses, but puts his head down, and Moss delivers a kick! COACH Vinny got caught with his head down! Moss charges, but Vinny ducks, and backdrops Moss over the top rope, but Moss lands on the apron. Moss delivers a shoulder thrust from the apron, then hops over for a sunset flip! COLE Moss going for a sunset flip! Vinny kneels down, and grabs the ropes. 1... 2... However, the referee stops the count when he sees Vinny's hands on the ropes. Vinny quickly removes his hands, and Quentin rolls him up! 1... 2... Kickout! Vinny goes to the eyes of Moss, then backs him into a corner, and delivers some right hands, then tries a hiptoss. Moss blocks, then executes a rolling takedown into a heel hook! COLE Nice counter by Moss! Vinny quickly gets into the ropes, then makes a tag to Biff. COLE And now finally Vinny able to make a tag, and Biff Atlas in there. Moss goes into tieup, but Biff gets in a shot to the gut. Biff follows with some right hands, then whips him into the ropes. Biff puts his head down, and Moss rolls him up in a small package! 1... 2... Kickout! Biff catches Moss with a clothesline, then picks him up, and attempts a suplex. Moss slips behind, and grabs a waistlock, which Biff escapes with an elbow, then runs to the ropes, but Moss recovers and catches him with a dropkick! Moss then drops an elbow, and covers... 1... 2... Kickout! Moss grabs Biff in a side headlock, but Biff backs him into the ropes, then shoves him across...and Vinny lays in a knee from the apron! COACH Nice move by Vinny! COLE Yeah, a nice cheap shot. COACH They got away with it! Biff tags Vinny in, and the two stomp away on Moss, then Vinny goes over and dances in front of Benjamin, distracting the referee as Biff chokes Moss on the top rope. Vinny then makes his way back over, and delivers forearms in the corner, and attempts a whip across. Moss reverses, but Vinny hops to the second rope, and comes back with a bodypress...but Moss rolls through! 1... 2... Kickout! Vinny goes to the eyes, then executes a rib-breaker! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Vinny picks up Moss, and executes a backbreaker, then tags in Biff. COACH You've got to admit, Cole, Vinny and Biff looking impressive here against the former champs, Team Heyross! COLE Absolutely, they've made it more competitive than I thought they would so far! Biff comes in, and he and Vinny whip Moss to the ropes, and execute a double clothesline, then follow up with a wishbone! Biff stomps away as the referee forces Vinny out. COACH And some nice teamwork there! Biff whips Moss into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Moss executes a sunset flip! 1... 2... Kickout! Biff gets to his feet and floors Moss with a clothesline, then tags Vinny back in. Vinny climbs to the top, while Biff runs over and knocks Benjamin off the apron. Biff sets up a suplex, and Vinny flies down onto Moss with a bodypress! COLE What a move! This could be a major upset! 1... 2... NO! Moss gets a shoulder up! COLE But no, Moss escapes! Benjamin slides into the ring, but is restrained by the referee. Meanwhile, Vinny hooks Moss, and Biff backs into the ropes, going for ALWAYS WEAR SAFETY GOGGLES~!...but Moss moves, and Biff nails Vinny! COLE Vinny takes the big knee from Biff! Moss crawls over to the corner, and tags in Benjamin! COLE And a tag is made! Benjamin hits a clothesline on Biff, then one on Vinny! He hits a second clothesline on Biff, then whips Vinny into the ropes, and catches him with a dropkick! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Benjamin picks up Vinny, and executes a BELLY-TO-BELLY~! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Benjamin whips Vinny once again, and catches him with a HURRICANRANA~! Cover... 1... 2... Biff makes the save! COLE Biff there for the save! Moss steps in, and knocks Biff to the floor, then joins Benjamin in executing the DOUBLE GOOZLE~! on Vinny! COLE And there's the Double Goozle! Benjamin moves over to the ropes, and grabs the top, then jumps up and through the middle ropes, catching Biff with a dropkick! He then pulls himself back onto the apron, as Moss lifts Vinny onto his shoulders. COLE And Team Heyross setting Vinny up for the kill! Benjamin climbs to the top rope, and executes the SUPER ROCKER DROPPER~!!!!!11111 COLE Put this one in the books! 1... 2... 3!!! *DING DING DING* COLE Team Heyross advances in the Anderson Cup! BUFFER The winners of the match...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRRROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSS!!!!! COLE So, Team Heyross will meet the winner of the matchup between Jumbo & Deuce and the Cucaracha team of James Blonde and Faqu, which will take place next week! COACH Nice effort by Vinny and Biff, though! I wonder what TK and Reject are thinking backstage right now? COLE They may want to start thinking about having to put those belts on the line against Team Heyross one more time! COMMERCIAL

OAOAST HeldDOWN is Brought To You By ALIX MARIA SPEZIA FOR OAOAST360.COM We see Alix (in bra and panties of course) standing in front of a chaotic suburban home scene. A young business man is standing in mortal fear of a raging wife who’s left all his wordly possessions littered across the front lawn. ALIX MARIA SPEZIA Has this ever happened to you? You come home from a hard day at work and you can’t get to watch your favorite OAOAST stars at action. Maybe you found all your personal belongings on the sidewalk, some smashed into bits, others auctioned off to random passerbys. You’d like to get into your house, but your wife is on the porch pointing a shotgun at you. Oh no! She‘s found the emails you’ve sent your Cuban lover, Eduardo. Hey, we’ve all been there, we all have our moment of weakness when we hunger for a teenage boy from a communist country. But does your wife want to hear it? She says no and shoots you in the leg. It only grazes your femur and you can still make a quick retreat. Running down the street with your wife firing shots behind you and your neighbors laughing at your misfortune all you can think about is how are you ever going to see your favorite OAOAST Superstars? Do you still have your cellphone? I hope so, otherwise she’d find the pictures of her on the toilet you and her father masturbate to. Check out OAOAST360.com developed by ESPN and Melody Nerdly. Your superstars anytime, anywhere, anyplace, like when you’re sleeping on a bed of newspapers bellow the overpass until she either calms down or runs out of bullets. OAOAST360.com. Go today! BACK FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK, and LUNAR PHOENIX’s music is just dying out as he paces back and forth in the ring. COLE: Here we are, fans, with a matchup kicked off last week by Lunar Phoenix’s apparent distaste for the fanfare that the new kids around here are getting. COACH: Ol’ Spidey may have bitten off more than he can chew. Hule Bartowski’s straight hoss. COLE: He’s also got some fans here tonight, Coachie. COACH: The fuck did you just call me? COLE: Coach… I called you Coach. COACH: Make damn sure you did. COLE: At any rate, we’ve got some guests at ringside this evening – REMEMBER THE NAME hits – MODERATE POP for the new guy! COLE: Fort Minor is here tonight! Sure enough, Mike Shinoda is cheesin’ for the camera from center, camera-side, mouthing unintelligible props for – HULE “THE NAME” BARTOWSKI is THROUGH THE CURTAIN, standing at the top of the stage. Dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt and his usual ring gear, he takes a minute to scan the crowd through his oakleys. With a genuine grin he makes his way down towards the ring. COACH: Check him out. He’s cool, he’s confident. Rumor is, boy’s magic, Cole. COLE: Let’s hope so. Lunar Phoenix has been growing into more of a bastard over the last year. Someone needs to shut him down. Maybe for his own good if the buzz in the locker room is any indication. Name hits the ringpost, one foot in, one foot out standing on the ropes and a turnbuckle. He takes his shades off and, perhaps in a Bret Hart’ish way, tosses them to a kid in the front row. He points a finger at Shinoda, who gives a bro nod back. He never sees Phoenix coming. Phoenix RUNS, JUMPS, and LOCKS HIS ARMS around Name at the second turnbuckle – BACK DROP DRIVER! Name’s head bounces off the mat and he rolls over, stunned. Phoenix is up immediately, putting the boots to him. DING DING – finally, the bell rings. COLE: That sneaky son of a bitch! COACH: He knows what he’s gotta do, Cole. Phoenix drops and locks in a variant of the CROSSFACE, really YANKING IT BACK. Name’s hand is up, but he’s not tapping. He lurches, trying to get to the rope, but Phoenix YANKS HARD, bending his back unnaturally. Name is GROWLING in pain. He puts his free hand flat and PUSHES UP, lifting HIMSELF AND PHOENIX OFF THE MAT WITH ONE HAND. A DESPERATE PUSH – HE GETS THE ROPE! Phoenix lets go and rolls away, clearly a little stunned at that display of strength. But it came with a price – as Name leans against the middle rope to get his bearings, he’s clearly in a lot of pain – and not from the arm locked in the crossface, but from the shoulder of the arm that he pushed up with. COLE: Not a good sign early on. Impressive, but maybe not the smartest move. Phoenix is there in a flash once he puts it together, laying the boots to that shoulder. Name has nowhere to go, but he wraps his other arm around the middle rope, unwilling to let himself be compromised in another submission contest. Believing he’s done quite a bit of damage, Phoenix takes a break, laughing as be makes a circle around the ring. He taps his head with his finger, proud of his work. The ref checks with Name, but Name seems to be saying he can continue. COLE: Bartowski’s hanging in there. Phoenix pauses across the ring, hanging over the rope to say something to Shinoda, which sparks off a shouting match between the two. Meanwhile, Name gets to his feet, watching. A buzz builds. Phoenix turns around and takes a few steps – COACH: BOOOOM! Name SLAMS HIM WITH A FLYING FOREARM with his good arm! He rides it all the way down like a clothesline from hell, slamming Phoenix off the mat. Phoenix looks like his bell was rung, but Name can’t capitalize – he tried to get up with hiss bad arm and faltered. He starts crawling toward the nearest corner. Phoenix gets to his feet, slowly, and sees what’s happening. As Name gets to his feet in the corner, Phoenix SPRINTS IN – PHOENIX KICK! TO NOWHERE! Name DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY, leaving Phoenix to HANG HIS LEG over the top rope. It’s just enough of a distraction for Name to SLAM PHOENIX’S FACE into the TOP TURNBUCKLE. Name then tries to hook him for a SUPLEX – But his shoulder can’t take it! Half way up, it CRUMBLES, as Name SCREAMS, clearly hurt! Phoenix ends up on top of him in the fall – PINNING HIM! The ref slides in! 1! He doesn’t see Phoenix get his feet on the ropes! 2! The CROWD IS PISSSED! COLE: NO! 3! LUNAR PHOENIX WINS @ 5:02! COACH: Phoenix must have black magic, Cole! COLE: Dick magic is more like it! COACH: What? Phoenix is up, grinning victoriously as the ref holds his arm up. Bartowski is on his side, nursing his shoulder. His hurt arm is more or less hanging limp. COLE: Looks like he’s really hurt there, Coach. What an opportunistic bastard! This could end Hule Bartowski’s career before it really begins! The X goes up. As Phoenix makes his way to the back, he’s passed by medics. He’s GRINNING. COLE: No doubt about it now, folks. Hule Bartowski appears to be seriously injured. We’ll be back… COMMERCIAL BREAK BACK FROM BREAK REPLAY: Medics helping The Name to the back. He’s really hurting from the looks of it. That arm is just dangling, dead. COACH: Phoenix took a hit out on this bitch. COLE: No doubt about it. A combination of bastardly intentions by Phoenix and a poor decision by Bartowski. COACH: These two are bad news together. I love it! Let’s hope these cats hook up again soon. My guess is, Name’s got a vengeance game to run on Lunar Phoenix. Back in three with more HD on HD! TONIGHT'S MAINEVENT A HOMETOWN HERO FACES HIS TOUGHEST FOE CWM VS ZACK MALIBU TONIGHT COMMERCIAL

Sitting inside the catacomb of the fortress of Nerdlytude is Malaysia Nerdly. Her little corner in the Nerdly world is poorly lit through small candles. This illumination isn’t from a hopeless romantic or a serne yogi but someone who’s paid more attention to her myriad of bondage toys than proper lighting. MALAYSIA Krista, Krista. My blond sex goddess its me, your mistress and mother superior. Jock is a beautiful man, and I love him. But he’s an opinionated man, and he says mean things about you. Terrible, terrible things. Then he goes and does terrible things to you. You’re not the innocent victim, everybody makes you out to be. I don’t think you’re the damsel in the distress, they all want to believe you are. I know better. I’ve experienced you. You did something terrible to me during our dildo on a pole match. Something happened. You intoxicated me. Your supple firm breasts filing my hands, your hard perfect ass grinding against me, your juicy red lips caressing my stiff nipples. You got me high. You’re my own personal brand of heroin. When I joined with Reject and Melissa to put you down…when I had to watch your prone body, panties visible, huge breasts spilling out your bikini top, lye on the ground I thought I’d overdose. Seeing you so hurt, made me hotter than I’ve ever been. When I got back to the hotel room, I took the video of us worsening your concussion, popped it into the dvd player, and I took my two fingers and I slid them right in. I pictured they were fingers, pleasuring me, filling me up while your barely able to stay awake after the beating I gave you. I should’ve seen this coming when I fought Jade. If the daughter is so great the mother must be wonderful! You are. You’re like nothing I’ve ever had before. I’ve never been with a true life celebrity. There’s never been a Hollywood starlet who broke in my arms. Who I filled with ten inches of a strap on and pounded her bent over body on this spanking table, and who looked backed at me and begged for more. You’re going to be my first. I’m going to physically punish and sexually dominate a Hollywood Walk of Famer, the sexiest woman in the world, at Anglepalooza in this room. You will see me at the Malaysia’s Dungeon Match. FADE OUT NEW YEAR'S SPECTACULAR '09 One Week Ago COLE And welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the longest-running episodic series in TSM history. COACH Crushing the previous mark held by Cole’s Bar, which was what, 3? COLE Well at least I had a show. Anyway, vintage Beverly Hills Blonds last week in their first round Anderson Cup victory, but people are still talking about their proposal to Theodore Moneymaker, including the Billion Dollar Heir himself who had this to say on the live OAOAST Afterparty webcast following the New Year’s Spectacular. Courtesy: OAOAST.com Dressed to the nines, Theodore Moneymaker, drink in hand, joins Tony Brannigan and Terry Taylor on the AP lounge set, all 3 seated on stools. Also present, Moneymaker’s Enterprise partners, with right hand man Christian Wright at the Billion Dollar Heir’s side. Patty sez CPA is wearin a party hat because party hats are funny. MONEYMAKER BWAHAHA! As if my night couldn’t possibly get any better. First I beat Zack Malibu clean right in the middle of the ring, and then those blond knuckleheads Simon and Ned drop all legal claim to the BHB name! WRIGHT I say, fellows, 3 cheers for Teddy! Hip hip… THE ENTERPRISE Hooray! WRIGHT Hip hip… THE ENTERPRISE Hooray! WRIGHT Hip hip… THE ENTERPRISE Hooray! MONEYMAKER BRANNIGAN Don’t go popping the cork yet, Teddy. Not only have you not heard the last of Zack Malibu, especially after how you stole one tonight, but you and Christian Wright must still defeat the Beverly Hills Blonds somewhere along the line before the Enterprise can claim 100% ownership of the BHB name. However, should they beat you, then you must return the Siclopse. WRIGHT Please, Mr. Brannigan, don’t make me laugh. Victory for us is a foregone conclusion. But at least you realize there’s little chance of a Moneymaker/Wright-Singleton/Blanchard Anderson Cup final because I think our former associates have find it quite difficult. BRANNIGAN/TAYLOR MONEYMAKER Normally I’d let my attorneys handle such a matter, but this is like stealing candy from a baby…or millions from gullible investors! BWAHAHA! End video. COLE Vintage Enterprise, and I don't like it one bit. I think I speak for the OAOAST Marks when I say I'm pulling for a Love Doctor's victory next week. Folks, we'll be back with more after this! SYNDICATED IN THE 09 THIS WEEK ON SYNDICATED ANDERSON CUP PREVIEW: TYLER BRYANT VS DANNY BOY FRENCH NEW WAVE IN ACTION! AND MORE! COMMERCIAL

COLE Earlier in the week, what we can only assume were Molly Nerdly's cameras caught up with goings-on in the Duncan household. Let's take a look. Earlier this week The Duncan Family Beverly Hills Mansion Los Angeles, California Inside the spacious living room we find Krista Isadora Duncan is laid up on the sofa, wearing an icepack on her forehead and a sullen look on her face. More-so than usual. The effects of her concussion have left the celebrity socialite incapable of doing much at all really, besides enjoy how comfortable her expensive leather couch feels in a way she never really found the time or need for before. Her eyes stare glazed at the huge high-def plasma screen mounted on her wall, as on the other side of the room we see Jade Rodez-Duncan passing by. The other side of the room is quite a way away, bear in mind. Jade glances over at her sofa-ridden mother as she picks up a set of keys off of a sidetable. JADE Are you doing okay, Mom? Do you need a refill of your lemonade before I go out? KRISTA I honey, you're so naive bless you, I only told Maya it was lemonade cause she's been on my case about my notorious alcohol consumption lately. Ever since those damn health Nazis at her school gave her that anti-drug seminar, it's bitch, bitch, bitch. Talk about a waste of time. Give it three years, she won't be singing that tune while she's crawling through the bathroom window of a seedy LA nightclub behind Madonna's kid and that oldest Beckham son. Until then, yes, I'd like you to top up my 'lemonade'. Liquor cabinet, second shelf and don't be stingy. Routing through the nearest liquor cabinet (like there'd be only one of them! yeah right!), Jade tops her mother's glass up, with no such qualms about what excessive alcohol consumption will do to her long-term health. Hey, she must be in the will now! KRISTA Hang on a second. Maybe it's the concussion talking, or the double lemonade on the rocks I just had talking, or quite likely the combination of the alcohol and brain fluid swimming around my skull clouding my equilibrium, but did you just say you were going out? JADE Yeah. KRISTA Alix already took Maya to soccer practice though. Aah, soccer practice. A strong team activity with a dozen other girls in short shorts running around with you, played by men in all corners of the world except these United States. If that won't butch her up a bit, nothing will. Sorry, thinking aloud again, think it may be a side-effect of the concussion. Or the side-effect of crippling boredom. I swear E! has shown this Olsen Twins THS a dozen times in the past month. They've turned 18, they're in obscurity, deal with it and let America move on to it's next jailbait fantasy. JADE I know Alix took her. I was thinking I'd just go shopping, if that's okay. My pay for last month came through and I was thinking I'd treat myself to a couple of new clothes or something with my win bonus from New Year's. KRISTA *sobs* JADE Oh, Mom, it's okay, hang on and I'll get you a paracetemol! KRISTA No, it's not the head, although the paracetemol would be splendid. It's just... I've never been more proud of you than I am at this moment! Not quite understanding why, Jade uses her by now well practiced skill of just letting Krista ramble on about whatever crazy thought is in her head while trying to look as though she's understanding it all. And then, once Krista's paused for breath, she can jump in. It's just a matter of patience. JADE Okay, well, I'm gonna be going now, so if you need anything say so. KRISTA No no, I'll be fine. JADE Right, see ya. Before Jade can get out the front door though, the pause for breath has ended. KRISTA Before you go there is one teensy thing I wanted to confront you about... I mean talk to you about... no, sorry, right the first time. What happened to all your Angle Awards? JADE Oh... I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just put them in a box in the closet. Krista's jaw just about hits the floor. JADE Well, I mean, I figured that way I'll see them every time I need to grab a pair of shoes... KRISTA Alas! My dreams of a perfect daughter have been dashed as quickly as they had arisen! Woe is me! Please please please tell me you're just joking with me in an attempt to raise my blood pressure and further exacerbate my concussion causing me to have to make a trip to the hospital, allowing you to throw a raucous party behind my back. Please tell me that! I bought you that solid mahogany trophy cabinet for a reason and it wasn't to collect dust and that bogus second place ribbon you got with that lopsided sponge cake in our street's baking competition. Oh, the things rich people do to pass the time. If you'd laced it with the heroin like Alix's recipe told you, you'd have won first prize in a heartbeat, irregular as it may have been made by the heroin. If you had any ambition, you'd have done it! And you'd put your awards on the walls for strangers to see. That cabinet was to show off and make a big deal of your life to Mommy's friends when they visit! As you know, being part of the stinking rich Hollywood set my grasp on the value of money has long since been warped, but my personal accountant insists it was very expensive. JADE Okay Mom, I'll put them up later if it makes you happy. KRISTA Oh, it's no big deal sweetie, any day'll do. Despite the urge to the contrary, Jade takes a nice deep calming breath and turns to leave. If Jade thinks she's escaped yet though, she's sadly mistaken. KRISTA One more thing. You've been doing this weird thing with your mouth recently where it kinda contorts at the edges and your then lips open up ever so slightly, thus putting your teeth on display to people. JADE Smiling? KRISTA That's it, yes. Very unusual. If there's anything you want to tell me, you know how to leave a message on my voicemail. JADE Uhm, thanks? Finally Jade is gone... or, is she? No, otherwise I wouldn't have added the 'is she', would I? KRISTA Jade! JADE (comes running back into the room) Yes? KRISTA Don't forget to tell them your name and who you're related to. JADE Oh Mom, you know I hate doing that. KRISTA You won't hate it so much when every store gives you a 10% discount and tries to palm free clothes off on you in the hope you'll get photographed in them and garner them free publicity. Come on. What do I keep telling you? JADE *sighs* What Mommy's girl wants, Mommy's girl gets. KRISTA She's learning! *claps hands excitedly* OH! Oh, my head. Go on, run along now. JADE Bye! Not hanging around to be asked anymore questions, Jade is halfway out the door before it's even opened. And that's impossible, that's how fast she's out! As the door to the palacial mansion slams Krista cringes again. Realising she's now home alone, she sighs. Grabbing the TV remote off of the makeshift bedside table next to her, Krista flicks through a couple of channels before deciding there's nothing on and tossing it aside. A few seconds pass and apparantly, those few seconds are so boring, they're enough to prompt Krista into picking up the phone in desperation. KRISTA Hello... yeah, I'd like the number for the nearest escort service please... no, female... yes, I'll hold... --~~-- COLE Welcome back to HeldDOWN~!, fans. We're here in Providence, Rhode Island tonight, and we've got James Riggs in the ring ready to do battle with...honestly, we're not sure who! COACH Gotta love how we're in the know, Mikey Cole. Riggs adjust his wrist tape, and looks up the aisleway, when suddenly the lights dim. The bassy beginning of Duran Duran's collaboration with Timabland and Justin Timberlake, "Nite Runner" , kicks in, and two scantily clad beauties come dancing out, one headed towards either side of the entrance. After their arrival, a large man with a bushy beard and dark hair, about 7 feet tall easy, wearing a longsleeve fishnet shirt, black pants, a gold chain and sunglasses enters, rocking his body slowly to the beat. He stands at the entranceway at the girls continue their dance routine, coming over to both grope and dance with him down the aisleway. COLE What in the world... BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is set for one fall. Approaching the ring at this time, hailing from Berlin, Germany, and weighing in at four hundred, fifty three pounds... DJ GIANT JESUS~! COACH AND COLE DJ Giant Jesus!?!? Strobe lights flicker as DJ Giant Jesus pulls himself up onto the apron, then steps over the top rope into the ring. Immediately, Riggs attacks, clubbing the large specimen, only to get shoved down to the canvas as DJ Giant Jesus gets into the ring. COLE Whoever this guy is, he's huge! COACH That's gotta be why those girls love him. Riggs comes up, charging in again, but his head is grabbed by the large hand of DJ Giant Jesus, and then he gets flattened with a headbutt from the big man! COLE I...I don't think James Riggs was prepared for this! The crowd is in awe, as DJ Giant Jesus picks Riggs up and sends him to the ropes, then simply lifts his leg, causing Riggs to come running back right into a big boot! The crowd starts to get into the big man as he lifts his arms, and screams out "DISCO! DISCO!" before doing the head dance that Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan made famous in Rush Hour! COACH He's...he's a dancing machine! COLE At that size, he's a killing machine, I don't care how much he likes to dance! Riggs has come up to his feet, but he's hobbling around, not sure of what to do. With his back turned to the new OAOAST rival, Riggs doesn't see the giant lumber towards him, then pull him up onto his shoulders with a torture rack before flipping him over into a pancake move, all in one swift motion! COACH YO~!~!~! DJ Giant Jesus uses his foot to roll Riggs onto his back, then places a foot on his chest, as the referee makes the count! ONE! TWO! THREE! DING! DING! DING! "Nite Runner" kicks in again, as Michael Buffer makes the official announcment. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner...DJ GIANT JESUS! COLE DJ Giant Jesus...did you ever think you'd see the day?!!? With his theme song blaring, the Giant's dancers climb into the ring, each dancing near the ropes to lure the crowd into the act, as the Giant gets behind both of them, doing a little dirty dancing that gets the crowd roaring! COLE I think they like him here tonight! The dancers dance over to the ropes, and sit on the middle rope, opening it for the Giant...who then simply steps over the ropes, ignoring the chivalry of the girls! He turn and helps them both off the apron, and walks them hand in hand up the aisle, disappearing behind the curtain as we head to break! LATER TONIGHT AN OAOAST DEBUT NAME VS JAMES CONE TONIGHT! THE MAINEVENT ORIGINAL GANGSTAS CWM VS HOMETOWN BOY ZACK MALIBU TONIGHT!

WHERE AMI WHEREAMI WHEREMEAMIA WHERE AM I WHEREAMI WHEREMI AMI WHERE AMI WMHEIAHR? Oh, the office of general manager/president/empress/angle award winner Josie Baker! JOSIE Good evening. I haven't always made decisions that are all that popular with the OAOAST Marks during my second go round here in the OAOAST. But then I've made some calls that take you all to seventh heaven. Whether I'm the greatest GM alive or the dumbest bitch in wrestling, I make moves to better the OAOAST. Unfortunately, the OAOAST Marks' best interest and the OAOAST's best interests don't always get along. That's crappy, I know. But tonight I'm going to have everyone from the chairman of the board to the guy in 300th row calling me the greatest GM of all time. I have an announcement that's going to make everyone happy. Well, almost except a few uptight billionaires and some well endowed pricks. January 29th is the biggest night in HeldDOWN history. Every episode has been building to this one show from Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. This show is our hallmark of excellence, our loveletter to ourselves and to the OAOAST Marks. It is out historic 300th episode! You'll see the top tag teams brawl for supremacy as the Anderson Cup continues on in the home of the Blue Crew. OAOAST Originals, Hall of Famers, legends, and guys who ain't got shit better to do but earn a payday are gonna be on hand. And in the mainevent, beneath the California sky she's lived under all her life, in the stadium she grew up going to baseball games in, the epitome of what it means to be a California girl, tall, blond, hot, and famous Krista Isadora Duncan will be awarded her first world title shot EVER in our 300th mainevent! "YEAAAAAAAAA!" JOSIE See you from Los Angeles for one hell of a party. OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE LIVE FROM DODGER STADIUM IN LOS ANGELES ***FEATURING*** WRESTLER OF THE YEAR KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN COMPETING FOR THE WORLD TITLE SECOND ROUND ANDERSON CUP MATCHES AND MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE OAOAST HeldDOWN 300TH EPISODE if KC has a segment it can go here perhaps. yesh? Yesh! Inside the Cucaracha Internacional dressing room we find James Blonde, sat flipping through a fashion magazine that he's clearly nabbed from either the Duncan girls' dressing room or the make-up table. As he goes over the latest trends in fashion, which of course being The Trendsetter he'll claim he was pioneering four months ago, into the room enters Landon Maddix in mid-conversation on his cellphone. Blonde quickly skims the women's mag behind him and starts the more manly pasttime of twiddling his thumbs before his boss spots him. MADDIX Okay Megs, seven o'clock. Can't wait. Take care babe, I'll see you later. (hangs up) I tell you Jay, first dinner with your parents, now Megan's, I'm a man in demand lately! BLONDE You're in a good mood, considering. MADDIX Of course I'm in a good mood! Things are looking up! Finally, finally there's that little glimmer of hope I've been straining my eyes for that tells me Cucaracha Internacional's not the waste of my time I drunkenly proclaimed it to be to you on Christmas Day. Clearly a sore subject still, Blonde tries to laugh it off. MADDIX Okay, 2008 didn't end so well for us. But, hey, we're hardly alone in that sense are we? Difference is, we're gonna turn it around in 2009. Look at it so far, first show of the year and finally we make a statement, the kind of statement I've been waiting for you guys to make for months. A statement of intent. BLONDE Something to make people sit up and take notice? MADDIX Precisely. Nobody who saw it will ever look at Cucaracha Internacional the same way. Instead they're going to be looking and worrying. Worrying that they might be next in line. We'd become too predictable. No chance of that now, huh? BLONDE Oh if there's one thing he's not, it's predictable. MADDIX No kidding, who could have seen that coming? Really? And to come away with the gold on top of it all, that's what makes the statement. BLONDE Absolutely. I mean, I'll admit when he started tipping the sofa over I was kinda worried... During this conversation, Todd Cortez can be seen entering the locker room behind Blonde and Maddix. Heaving his bag up off of his shoulder, Cortez dumps it on the bench at the back of the room, getting their attention. For a second, Blonde's attentions never swaying from the boss for too long. BLONDE ...but in the end I figured "hey, bell's gone, we've still got the belts so that's really all that matte..." MADDIX (suddenly ignoring Blonde) Todd! We were just talking about you! BLONDE CORTEZ Great. If you want to say it to my face, I'll be in the corner. Landon stands up and walks over to Todd wagging his finger. MADDIX Woah woah woah! Are you kidding me? Your days of changing in the corner are over! BLONDE Huh? With Cortez looking confused, Landon wraps a friendly arm around his shoulders and leads him back to the centre of the dressing room, sitting him in the seat James Blonde had just stood up from. MADDIX Don't you get it? You finally did it. You finally proved yourself. All these months of stubborn resistance and still it hasn't sunken in? This... THIS is what I've been trying to get out of you all this time. This is the success I promised you. You're the United States Champion now. Which means we've got even more gold. And even better, thanks to you, Cucaracha Internacional beat The Deadly Alliance to get it! CORTEZ Woah woah... I beat Alfdogg... MADDIX Exactly! You beat him and you passed the test. I'll be honest, I've always had the upmost faith in you which is why I've been fighting so damn hard to convince you Cucaracha Internacional is the key to your success. But even I was beginning to wonder if it was worth the hassle. And then you go and beat Alfdogg... Alfdogg, man, former World Champion! This is only the start too. The sky's the limit now you've come around to our way of thinking, I guarantee it. The shackles are off. ...I'm so proud of you man. At the sight of a HUG initated by his boss, James Blonde's eyebrows peak and his mouth gapes. Cortez doesn't reciprocate of course, but even so he doesn't exactly push Landon away either. Once Landon peels himself away, neither Todd or Blonde look too comfortable with what just happened, but as usual Landon is oblivious to it all. MADDIX I've got a feeling it's gonna be a... HAPPY NEW YEAR! As Landon goes to collect Todd's bags from the dark recesses of the room, Blonde and Cortez exchange a glare.

Backstage we go, tracking OAOAST World Champion on his journey through the arena corridors. After exchanging quick pleasantries with Dr. Steven Pigley in a walk-through cameo Leon heads into the office of OAOAST President Josie Baker, where the lady herself is typically doing business on the phone. Leon lets himself in, eyeing up Sophie subtely as he waits for Josie to finish her business dealings. LEON Evenin' boss. You wanted to see me? JOSIE Yes, I did Leon. I wanted to talk to you about Anglepalooza. LEON Oh good. I was thinking we could talk Anglepalooza too. I was thinking, maybe just maybe your husband could come back and be the number one contender. He's earned it. Or, maybe you've got a grandparent who used to wrestle back in the territorie days in the 50s, somebody who'd be able to show this young whippersnapper a thing or two about the grappling game? JOSIE Excuse me? LEON Oh come on Josie. I put it in your hands to find me a suitable challenger for my big World Title homecoming and you pick... your cousin!? Gee, I wonder how THAT happened! Leon puts on an inquisitive look. JOSIE Jereme's the Intercontinental Champion... LEON Look, no offence meant, I'm sure this Jereme's a good kid and he's got potential and so on. But I have to admit, I was expecting just a liiittle bit more. You know the score, I've promised to be a fighting champion, I'm after the best of the best. In the entire OAOAST, not just the best on your family tree. JOSIE You're not accusing me of nepotism, are you? LEON Hey, if anybody's cool with families in wrestling, it's yours truly. Not looking pleased with the insinuations, Josie steps out from her desk and in front of Leon. JOSIE If you've got a problem with my decision, I'd prefer if you just came out and said so. LEON Relax, I'm just kidding around with you. Like old times. Remember? Do ya? Aah. Those were good times. Seriously though Josie, Anglepalooza's one of the marquee events of the year, the first Pay Per View of 2009... and I know it means pulling someone out of the Rumble and out of the running for the AngleMania main-event slot, but I trust that you'll take a little more time to name me a number one contender this time around. The rightful number one contender. Josie smirks to herself. JOSIE You've got it. Infact, just for you, I'll take extra special care to choose the best person possible. And I'll announce the number one contender by the end of the show. LEON Looking forward to it already. JOSIE Good. As Leon starts to leave, he's suddenly stopped by the OAOAST Pres. JOSIE Oh, one more thing. Since you're feeling so competitive, you're in action tonight. LEON I knew there was a reason the entire roster get seperate dressing rooms even if there's only two matches booked on the show! JOSIE Yeah. Anyway, good luck tonight. LEON Appreciate it. Leon leaves and Josie goes back onto the phone. "Like The Angels" brings stoners and bongs across the globe to their couch to catch a glimpse of High Times Stoners of the Year! The twins burst onto the scene full of the type of energy, not often seen in guys who swear by the ganj. Clad in their usual orange tights, they smoke an imaginary fat one, before trading a leaping high five and heading down to the ring. BUFFER The following Anderson Cup opening round contest is scheduled for one fall! Now making their way to the ring, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, MARV AND MEL THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS! The Fortress of Nerdlytude's favorite twin brothers zip at full speed down the entrance ramp. They slide into the ring to a loud pop from the arena audience. Scaling the turnbuckles they invite further cheers from the fans' that happily give them some. COACH I made the mistake of talking to these drips earlier. They told me they prepped for the Wrecking Crew by reading their profile in the No Homo strategy guide. That's like preparing for sex by reading the back of a porno box. BUFFER And the opponents... Through the opening lyrics of Rio, Rico De Janerio pauses on the yellow and green lit stage and looks down into the ring at his challengers, frowning to himself. He strokes his pornstache, more of thought, then of exhibition, before finally heading towards the squared circle. BUFFER First from Rio De Janerio, Brazil...HE IS RICO DE JANERIO! COACH Is this what it's come to? Separate entrances? COLE I'm afraid so, Coach. The Wrecking Crew has been spiraling further and further into a breakup and it all started when Lucius Soul made a few comments to Biff on Syndicated. The video screens behind him continues to flash scenes of Rico's greatest female conquests, while also displaying gorgeous National Geographic channel worthy images of his home country. He's so ill at ease about tagging with a partner he can no longer trust, that he doesn't bother doing his beads for boobs offer. Given his success with the ploy, perhaps this is for the best! He walks up the stares and locks eyes with his foes, a small scowl forming on his lips. But its not the Express who have aroused his ire, its this song... You're a jive soul bro A jive soul bro And you're always lyin' to you friends You're a jive soul bro A jive soul bro And you'll never get nothin' in the end He may lie to his friends, he may never get nothing in the end, but damn it he can dance if he wants to, and he can leave the whole world behind! The fro pickin, caddy riddin, big pimpin son of the gun twirls and bops onto stage looking like something out of Dolemites with gigantic fur coat, golden chains, sparkling sterling silver pimp chalice. Not pimp cup. Pimp chalice. He toasts to the fans that can stand the sight of him and then ventures down the ramp. BUFFER And his partner from New Orleans, Louisiana, he is Lucius Soul! Together they form the MARDI GRAS HOMEWRECKING CREW Soul's good cheer is totally dashed the moment he meets eyes with his one timed good friend. Both men utter unheard but well felt curest at the other. Far opposites from their warring foes, the boys in orange and blue talk strategy ahead of their contest. COLE First round Anderson Cup action here in Providence the home of The Franchise! Later on tonight we will see Team Heyross meet Panic At The Disco! DING DING DING Soul oddly starts to the match by turning to Rico and warning him not to "mess this hustle up for me". But its Soul who's his own worst enemy as MARV knocks him over with a drop kick. Soul rolls to his feet and steps forward towards MARV. But before he can effort any attack, the stoner hauls him downwards with a roll up... ONE! Kickout! Back on his feet Soul swings his long leg around in a round house kick. However that leaves him wide open to the side tackle that MARV slams into his leg! Soul is upended and thrown to the mat, landing with bruising impact. His troubles only get worse when the skater nails him with a standing frogsplash! "You are doin banging up the job, mang!" Rico shouts sarcastically. COLE Banging up...I think Rico's English has actually gotten worse. "You powder room lookin' motha-FUCKA!" Soul says through gritted teeth as he gets to his feet. "Dude, bro, did you get your hands on some bad seed? What's your hiccup?" MARV wonders. MARV's innocent question isn't taken so innocently by the hot tempered Soul. The New Orleans native comes scorching across the ring only to be thrown overhead with an awesome back flip armdrag! As Soul curses his ill luck, MARV kips right up and applies the tag to MEL! "YEAAAAAAA!" Mama Nerdly's favorite set of twins scrape Soul off the canvas and keep him dizzied with a barrage of knife edge chops. They hurl him into the ropes, and he's bounced back into a Double Kickflip (double dropsault) that throws him several feet backwards before he comes down hard on his spine. MARV exits the ring, and MEL hooks the leg for the fall... ONE! TWO! A kickout by Soul! The dean of funk makes a fast return to his feet. Unfortunately MEL is right there with him and swings his arm over his head for a sideheadlock. Soul and MEL struggle over the simple move for some time until the former pimp is able to shove MEL into the ropes. What he isn't able to do, however, is stop MEL from dropping him straight on his afro with a running DDT! COACH Damn! Ain't no amount of afro sheen gonna help that! COLE What exactly does afro sheen do? COACH Does it look like I would know? MEL pulls Soul back to his feet and snaps his arm downwards with an arm wringer. He holds the arm tight within his grip using it to lead Soul to the CAE corner, where he applies the tag to MARV. "Time to party, MARVY MARV!" MEL cheers, an instruction for his twin to climb to the top rope. COLE MARV getting high! COACH Congratulations you were presented an opportunity to make the lamest joke of the show and you just jumped right on it. You are officially a moron. MARV makes the RAWK hand signal to the RAWKIN fans before he comes off with a dropkick that slices through Soul's arm. The pimp drops down to the knees of his gator skinned pants, almost crying from the incredible hurt he feels. "Yeah you are world championship material!" Rico taunts "You are the next Ric Flair! The Natural Man! Setting the jets, riding the stretcher limousines, that's you, mang." COLE Amazing. Krista has buried this team so far, they now just son themselves when she's not around. MARV grabs onto the legendary afro and lifts his rival off the canavs. Soul is of course displeased that someone would lay their hands on his precious hair. Thusly he feels no qualms about shooting a forearm into MARV's southern comfort. The referee on the other hand? He has a few objections. "I got yo rules on my backside, you no-luck, broked-up, crossed eyed trick!" Soul says, and then puts the exclamation point on his comment with violent kicks to MARV's ribs. "This is how pimpin does pimpin!" he shouts towards Rico before turning around and blasting MARV with a lethal dropkick. The skater hits the mat, appearing to be completely out of it. This prompts Soul to take a run off the ropes, but as he returns, MARV slides towards him. Barely able to avoid the trip, Soul leaps over the Canadian. Bounding off the ropes, he's a telegraphed leapfrog from MARV and charges ahead to take advantage of it. His play is a success as he bores through MARV with a straight ahead version of the pounce! MARV tumbles through the air, his body looking like its been hit by sports car. He splatters onto the canvas and is instantly overcome by an infinite amount of pain. Maybe not infinite. Then he'd be dead. COLE My stars, what a pounce that was! These athletes laying it all on the line for the Anderson Cup. Soul begrudgingly, very begrudgingly, applies a tag to Rico De Janerio. The Brazilian enters the ring full of a confident swagger, that draws the ire of the audience as well as his partner. De Janerio doesn't help his case with the audience, when flicks sweat off his hairy chest onto a now standing MARV. The former tag champ hasn't a second to try and gain revenge; Rico smashes his arm across his back in a clubbing forearm. MARV is dropped to his knees, and the pain continues with the South American striking him in the shoulder with his flag patterned boots. "DEPORT RICO! DEPORT RICO! DEPORT RICO!" the fans chant. The referee might wish he had the power as he watches RDJ ferociously stomp on the neck of his downed rival. COLE I think the matches should be called even tighter in the Anderson Cup. The dirtier superstars are going to skirt the edges even more with so much being on the line. There's no reason we shouldn't have our officials keep them in check. COACH You want Clem Buzzlefoxer to decide the outcome of contests like this is the NBA? Even Tim Donaghy wouldn't be so crooked. Check yo self, kid. MARV fights back with a leaping punch! Although it connects with Rico's jaw, it fails to any serious damage. The now enraged Brazilian fires back with clubbing forearms that beat his foe to the ground. "WHO WANTS A MUSTACHE RIDE?" "BOOOOOOOO!" After dismissing the audience with a wave and a scowl, the sleazebag drags MARV to his feet. He pulls him in close and then slams his beefy arm into the cruiserweight's thin chest. "YOU CHANGE YO MIND ON THAT MUSTACHE RIDE?" "BOOOOOOOO!" This time Rico is slightly more vulgar in his expression of his displeasure with the fans; yelling at them for their constant negativity. During his inane fit, MARV is able to take the time he needs to gather back his strength. Once back upright he makes a dash to the ropes, rebounding to drop Rico with a leaping double knee strike! "YEAAAAA!" But, MARV's comeback ends prematurely thanks to Soul. The funk brother lifts him onto his shoulders and turns his lights out with a Fro 2 Sleep! On the ring apron, MEL has, what's for a stoner, quit the irate tantrum. The fans share his sentiments and loudly chastise the referee for letting Soul even enter the ring. You can make a bitch, you can fake a bitch, you can buy a bitch, you can defy a bitch, you can see a bitch, you can G a bitch, but you can't never be a bitch. Rico you a bitch! Pin this man!" For reasons I can't possibly fathom, Rico refuses to follow Soul's instructions. This leaves Soul consternated, and he goes as far as to order the referee to force Rico to make a pin. Rico instead decides to pick MARV up and snatch him inside a front facelock. He grabs onto his tights, preparing to lift him into a vertical suplex. But MARV stuns him with a counter, birding him backwards and throwing him down with a northern lights suplex! The fans cheer as the referee drops to his knees to apply the count. ONE! TWO! Kickout! "You ain't nothing but a Kentucky Fried Minded, crackerjack mothaFUCKA!" Soul belts out at Rico. He doesn't even wait for a response from his one time best friend. Instead he smacks him on the back and enters the ring amidst many protests from Rico. COLE I don't know how this happened, but for all the in fighting, the Wrecking Crew actually have a better chance of winning this match COACH Shoved that team chemistry nonsense back in yo face! You suckin like Charles Barkley just passed you a twenty. YADA! Hunching over, Soul waits for MARV to get back to his feet. But when the High Times poster boy finally does, its Soul who gets struck first, courtesy of a few well placed elbows to the head. Just trying to keep his noggin from being blasted off his skull, the Louisiana native shoves MARV away. But he doesn't have the time to regain his strength as he would've liked. MARV comes right back to run him down with elbow straight to the forehead. "Yo you just got hit with the gooooood shiiiiiit." MARV cracks up laughing that trademark rapidly paced stoner laugh. That laugh seems to motivate Soul to hop to his feet, and his eyes pulse and flicker with hatred. "You ain't laughin at me! You dead, you Alaskan reeferwood!" "Hhehehehe I'm Canadian, maaaaaaaaaan" "You dead Canadian Maaaaaaaaaaan!" "Hehheheheh. You're funny, dude. I like you. We should chill sometime. Get some kegs, some chicks, do the bonfire thing. Or we can just lay low and smoke the righteous bush and you can watch Amen with me and Mel." "Amen is my shit, man! That Deacon, dude is epic!" MEL interjects. "His daughter Thelma is my girl! Not lyin, that chick is fapping material to this day." COACH Is this better or worse than being sunned by Krista. COLE Worse. At least with Krista you might make it into the pages of People magazine. Larger circulation than High Times. Through with discussing the sitcoms of the 80's, Soul makes a play for MARV. MARV beats him back with a pair right jabs, and Soul is forced to retreat to the ropes. On the come back he leaps at the skater with a crossbody block. Much to his dismay, he lands right into the arms of his opponent. However, rather than continue to panic, he takes advantage of MARV's underwhelming strength and expertly powers out. He comes down in front of MARV, who's befuddled from losing his grip on the former pimp. This allows the godfather of New Orleans Soul to quickly take him on his shoulders in set up for the Fro 2 Sleep. "BOOOOO!" the audience shouts, having little desire to see Soul have any success. Their boos are changed into cheers by the resourceful Nerdly twin as he frantically slithers free of Soul's oddly weak grip. He touches down on his boots, hunching into an attack position that has him waiting for Soul to turn. Angered over MARV's escape, the ex-con swings around to strike him with an open handed slap. But all he does is fall right MARV's trap, and the Canadian lifts him into his shoulders in a standing fireman's carrty! COLE Not good for Soul! MARV throws Soul forward as he raises his knee into the air. Gravity does its part and brings the former pimp down onto his foe's knee for the Fro2Sleep. The fans pop huge, delighted to see Soul struck by his own finisher. COACH Damn! Talk about a humiliation. Laid out by your own move right here in the Anderson Cup first round! With Soul grounded by a monstrous headache, MARV has full freedom to make the tag with his brother. That is until Rico punishes him with a devastating lariat. As the fans blast him with hatred, he stomps away MARV, hitting him for the duration of the referee's 5 count. "You will not win Anderson's Cup!" Rico shouts over his shoulder, finally leaving the ring. COLE A cheapshot from Rico, but do you expect anything less from the Wrecking Crew. Even in disarray they're trying to steal the damn victory! COACH It's the AC, dawg. You do what you gotta do. Its win or go home! Or win and not get booked next week, here. Soul comes off the canvas, with little in the way of gratitude for Rico's aid. Still looking groggy, he stumbles over to MARV and lazily pulls the skater upright. MARV shocks him with a pair of right hands that delight the sold out audience. The strikes daze Soul, leaving him out on his feet. This permits MARV to charge towards the ropes and springboard back with a cross body block. But Soul knocks him out the way with an awesome dropkick! MARV is thrown to the ground, barely avoiding a terrible landing on his head. Soul staggers backwards, still hobbled by the theft of his finisher. Much to his disgust his graceless path leads right to his corner, and Rico makes an unwanted tag. COLE These two almost have to force their way into the match. If either of them had their druthers, they'd make it a handicap contest. Rico enters the ring with a forearm that slaps across MARV's downed head. The fans try to rally the Canadian as Rico talks trash to him. They find some success with their words; MARV begins kicking away at Rico's ankles. He hobbles Rico and one ferocious kick sinks him to his knees. But he doesn't stay there for long, and stands up to paste a rising MARV in the jaw with a punch. He staggers over, looking as if he were about to fall out. But, Rico keeps him aloft with a whip to the ropes. The sleazy Brazilian lowers his head head, trying to goad MARV into leap frogging him. But MARV won't fall or these tricks and kicks Rico directly in the chest. The fans pop and both competitors stumble from pain with MARV landing himself into the corner. "CHRIST COMPELS YOU! CHIRST COMPELS YOU! CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" the fans chant, perhaps not realizing the Christ Air name comes from skateboarding trick not a love of Jesus. Rico makes a mad dash to the ropes, and leaps high into the sky to flatten his foe with a lariat! But at the last minute MARV dives out the way and Rico crashes into the hard ring posts. As his pained and manic screams fill the arena air, MARV rolls to his corner and makes the tag with MEL! "YEAAAAAAAAAA!" COLE Mama Nerdly's baby boys are about to start cooking! COACH In their world its baking, and these slackers are always baked. MEL comes like a marijuana plant on fire, blazing through Rico with a leaping heel kick! Rico tries to make a fast return upright, but even as he does MEL is circling around him to the ropes. As MEL bounces back he takes towards the air moving to Rico. His leg goes across his neck and he brings him down with the Noseplant (Rocker Dropper!) "SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!" the audience chants, as MEL continues running the ropes. He times his return just as Rico begins to rise and succeeds in knocking over the South American with a diving elbow strike. COLE Question their training methods all you want, Coach, but these talented young superstars have turned up the heat! Just as Cole finishes that sentence the CAE is cooled down by a running boot from the president of pimpin! "Get yo scrub BUTT up, no nuts" He barks at Rico. But, Soul soon joins Rico on the ground thanks to a thundering punch from MARV! "YEAAAAAAA!" Rico uses the ropes to make an unsteady rise, but he has to be quick on his defense with MARV charging in. He ducks low, wraps his arm around MARV's leg and upends the stoner over the ropes. The fans scream in shock as the former tag chaompion endures a hard splatter onto the floor. Meanwhile in the ring, MEL is having quite a bit more luck than his brother as he begins throwing Soul over for the Melanoma (sitout powerslam)! But the ex pimp counters with an arm drag and MEL is thrown over to the canvas! He hasn't time to attend to his wounds due to Soul forcing him upright. Rico sees this as a perfect time to strike MEL down and runs forward with boot raised! But the skater slides away from his approaching shoe, and he connects perfectly with Soul's jaw. "YEAAAAAAAAA!" screams the capacity crowd as Soul timbers over to the ring mat. COLE What on earth? I can only guess that Rico thought Lucius Soul was holding MEL so he could hit him. Rico has neither the will, nor more importantly, the way to apologize, thanks to MARV returning to action and battering him with body blows. As his brother weakens their foe, MEL slides out in front of De Janerio. Once they're both in position they leap up and catch Rico with the Happy Ending (double Ace Crusher) COLE They got him! The fans pop huge as MEL hooks the leg of his defeated opponent. MARV leans against the turnbuckles, smiling over this impending victory. ONE! TWO! THREE! COLE That's it! The fans join the Nerdly twins in celebration, as Like The Angels kicks back up. Not in a celebratory mood is Soul, kicking the ring ropes in crazed frustration. BUFFER Your winner as a result of a pinfall and advancing in the second of the Miracle Weirdness Connection...THE CHRIST AIR EXPRESS! The High Times Stoners Of The Year make their way back up the ramp, nodding to their cheering fans and encouraging kids to stay on drugs. COLE What a victory by these talented youngsters! Mama Nerdly's baby boys are alright. They'll move on to take on the winner of The Enterprise against The Love Doctors. Two tough opponents no matter how you slice it. COACH Caucasian, please. The Enterprise is taking this thing all the way to podium. Mister Moneymaker and Mister Wright are gonna be the first repeat winners. Bank on that. COLE Think for yourself for once! The Love Doctors are a sharp well oiled team with great fan support. Forget their seed, they're going to be a serious threat for an upset. COACH The only upset that'll happen is when you get pissy that the camera didn't give you enough Pigley crotch shots. COLE Jerk! There's an even more heated, and anger ridden argument in the ring between the losing team. Both men distraught over their failure to advance are pinning blame on the other for their shortcomings. Hurtful insults are hurled, and met with vulgar taunts and claims, as each man grows madder by the moment. Finger pointing emerges and it takes but a few put downs to escalate into shoving. Shoving brings upon more vulgarities and threats. Only one threat is acted on though; a hard slap by Rico. "OOOOOOOH!" COLE You can't pimp slap a pimp! The aghast expression on Soul's face speaks volumes to this. But shock becomes outrage and outrage becomes Soul grabbing his soon to be former partner onto his shoulders. COACH No! Playa, no! Don't do it! FRO2SLEEP ON RICO DE JANERIO!! "OOOOOOOOOH!" Soul looks down on his beaten and battered foe with the most satisfied of grins. His hands twitch with eagerness, almost as if they were hungering for more damage. Black eyes spark with ferocity, the kind seen who's fighting sprit has been reborn. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO MESS WITH ME" he hollers with all his voice at Rico. There's no answer from the downed Brazilian, leaving it the last words of this troubled breakup. Soul exits the ring, seeing clearly and filling full of renewed life and energy. COLE Wow! Well, did that put an end to the Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew? COACH Uh, probably? He kneed him straight in the face! Pimpin ain't ever gonna die but the Wrecking Crew sho did tonight. COLE Promise me you'll never hurt me like that. COACH Never my darling hummingbird! Never! LATER TONIGHT FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION PANIC AT THE DISCO! VS TEAM HEYROSS TONIGHT

Not any more you ain't!! If its on sunday, I'll be back in town by then so I might as well letcha off the posting hook again. But, thanks for being my go to nigga once again.

Does anyone here make new year's resolutions? I didn't until this year. Good opener here. Cortez didn't look overmatched against the two world champ and OAOAST legend here. Love to see these two fight again. Forgot to say I loved the bit with the porcupine way back on HD. A porcupine! Only Knuckles the echnida could've been better. KC has some cool plans for the US Title so YOU SHOULD WATCH OUT FOR THEM!!! The stable balance of power has shifted with every member (except the leader) of CI having a belt. lol@brother rooster. Terry stays gettin sonned. Also lol at the computerized system, fuck college football on some real talk. A classic feud reunited! Tony has been on a writing kick lately and we're all the winners with some great matches and segments. Good, hot contest, and I doubt this is the last time these two longtime rivals face each other. All we need is cameo apperances from Cornette, the Sooner Bruisers and the SCM. I like Ned's new asskicking ways, and AAN's participation in this match was top of the pops. Hule Bartowski! I may change my name to that. Great to have SP back, he's a dude who always tells a bitchin story. And he put in a quality segment here. At first I thought James Cone was gonna kick Hule's ass, but nope Name put him in his place and told him off. My 1st match! My 1st segment! Yo, fuck the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim those dudes can get some donkey shit. Fantastic women's title affair! Da boy KC put in DAT WORK! Dude came sick with it right here. Never a dull moment. Hey imagine if we were a a real fed all those hot girls fighting on real TV, we'd have ratings for days. I like this incarnation of the women's division like a million times better than the old ones. Probably because all these girls seem to have more personality and the others were just dry and dull. Probably because they were not blessed with the creative genius of O'Green. KC is my hero! But SMH@Little Miss Detroit. I don't play that shit. Get me at KC, I gotta tell you what's REALLY GOOD. Tony is my villain! He stole the AC match I wanted! This dude about to get dat bullet work! But, still, nice action on this one. I really like the pairing of Cash and Baron, those guys just go together. Amazingly Rescue 911 probably never would've done anything, but in new tag teams both Cash and Bosley shine. Name continues to get up in PHX's face. Classic case of the young blood not respecting the old head. Maybe PHX can get some other vets to lay it down for the rook. My 2nd match! I forgot to put a picture of the dildo. Forgive me. But most credit goes to tony who had this brilliant idea years ago. Then KC gets credit for suggesting it for this month. I get nothing for writing it. Jade's gonna get her freak on. I guess KC has crushed my last hope of Bo being gay. Why do you hurt the ones you love most, babydoll? First belated LOLz go to that time when Blonde was talking to his mom on the phone. I hope he had a spare cage for Faqu back at his mom's place. I've always liked the pairing of Brock and Team Heyross so nice to see them competing for the six man belts. Judging by the ending this won't be the last match they have for it either! Enjoyable little contest, looking forward to seeing more! My 2nd segment! Great show, awesome way to start 09 and the top 2 matches ain't even in yet. WOOOOOOOOOOW!

Word and the HD that was supposed to be 1/15 will be 1/17 (or 1/18) at the worst to compensate. We'll return to our regularly schedule freakshow on 1/22. unrelated note: ewc if you're reading this i'm responding to your PM very soon!

The entrance set as I envision it will be of a 50 ft naked masturbating Grover Cleveland and whenever he ejaculates he spits out the entering wrestler from his pee hole. send everything to Tony149, its his posting turn!

Clearly YOU have not!

I got married 12:45 PM April 13th 2006. And divorced at 11:12 am April 14th 2006. Bitch had the nerve to try and catch a ride wit me back to LA from vegas. I give her the dikembe mutombo finger wag and sung "I can't go for that" Patty O'Green has turned in all his NYS stuff. Have YOU?

alright 149, you better like this. This match is all for you! In the center of the ring, announcer Michael Buffer stands within a purple spotlight as the rest of the arena remains darkly illuminated. BUFFER The following contest is the first ever dildo on a pole match! “YEAAAAAAAA!” COACH I can’t wait! We see the dildo hanging from a golden and glittering pole before the view returns to DA BUFF MAN! BUFFER The rules are simple. Once a competitor captures the dildo they may use it in anyway they see fit. The match can not be won until the dildo is removed from the pole. Buffer’s announcement is ended by hard driving metal as “Wildside” rocks its away into the arena. The entrance doors spread apart bringing out a wall of smoke that carries Malaysia Nerdly with it. Her fit and ripped body is packed into a black leather halter top, and red leather boot shorts. The cat of nine tails is swung wildly, lashing out at the audience that attacks her with so much anger. BUFFER Hailing from Edmonton, Alberta Canada. She is a former Women's Champion and The Ultimate Combination Of Beauty And Beatdowns... representing the Deadly Alliance, she is the Angle Award winning….MMMMAAALLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYSSSSIIIIIIAAAAAAAA... NNEEEERRRRRRRRRDDLLLLLYYYYYYY!!! Moving her tongue across the edge of her whip handle, Malaysia strolls along the entrance ramp. The fans near the guard rail give her much space, not wishing to incur a “Roots” like lashing. COLE I’ve heard some really good things about the dildo being used in this match. COACH What did you just say? COLE The suction cup at the bottom is very study. This makes positioning of your dong practically limitless. Whether you like to have nice clean fun in the shower at the gym where it can attach to the tile wall, or you're like me and enjoy suctioning it to your car seat where you can have some traffic jam fun this toy won't budge once its sealed into place! COACH So you've [i]heard[/i]. Malaysia charges up the steel steps, swinging her whip overhead to leave the nearby audience in a state of pure fright. She performs a agile yet powerful leap over the ropes into the ring, and throws up her whip free hand to the booing fans. COLE Krista all set to take on her daughter’s old tormentor. A smoking hot battle between the two toughest girls in the OAOAST! “HOW DOES IT FEEL IN MY ARMS?” Kylie Minouge’s bumping dance track brings out a mammoth cheer from an audience that rises to their feet. Camera flashes click off at rapid pace, as fans try to immortalize the image of the incoming Hollywood Starlet. The barely clothed dancers take on a jungle theme, outfitted in zebra print loin clothes and bikini tops. Their beautiful bodies bump and grind against each other between nightclub like pink and red lights. The queen of this jungle, Krista Isadora Duncan, stands proudly in the center. Her pride has much to do with what she’s wearing, or not wearing in this case, as her gorgeous figure is shown off in white high heels, a tiger print mini skirt and a sparkling orange halter top, while her golden hair is decorated by cute red ribbons. Conspicuous in its absence is her usual martini, oddly replaced by a live snake! [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/user97_pic1375_1229467718.gif] COACH God is good! Praise be to Allah! BUFFER And the opponent! Hailing from Los Angeles, California she is a New York Times best selling author, a reality TV star, the founder of the FIT with KID line of exercise videos, a member of the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, a loving mother, a four time tag team champion, a 12 time Angle Award winner, the current Money In The Bank contract holder, and the 2009 WRESTLER OF THE YEAR she is Miss California Krista Isadora Duncan! COLE Its just as Mister Buffer said, Krista Isadora Duncan is the wrestler of the year, and if she didn’t have enough people gunning to beat her, the voters just added another reason to go after her. First up, Malaysia Nerdly! Krista bounds down the ramp that’s carpeted with pink and red glitter with the grace and style one would expect of a former model. Reaching the end she offers a little twirl and a sly smirk to her army of fans before heading to the ring. “WRESTLER OF THE YEAR! WRESTLER OF THE YEAR! WRESTLER OF THE YEAR!” Such a nerdy, nerdy, nerdy chant sours Krista’s mood beyond all belief. Thus the fans are punished for their geekiness by her refusal to do her usual upside leg hanging trick. Malaysia decides to take that opportunity by showing Krista up by jogging in place… [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/Sexy-girl-jogging.gif] COACH Its on now! [b] [color="#696969"]*DING DING DING*[/color][/b] Malaysia’s wide sapphire blue eyes stare at Krista full of carnal lust. Her tongue traces a hungering trail across her ruby red lips, eager to ravage every part of Krista’s body. Miss California glares back, but her intensity rests behind a sharp desire to hurt Malaysia. That desire sends Krista rushing forward at the Canadian. But Malaysia sends out a lariat to greet her arrival. Krissy dips bellow Malaysia’s body builder worthy arm and bounces off the nearby ropes. Any hopes she had of catching her bigger rival by surprise are immediately dashed when Malaysia lunges forward and grabs onto her ready for the red carpet hair. Krista stumbles backwards, but manages to regain her balance in order to snatch onto Malaysia’s hair. For several seconds the two ladies war back and forth, using their powerful strength to painfully twist each other’s necks. The sounds of their quick heavy breathing, grunts, and moans echo through the arena. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” Soon Malaysia’s strength begins to win out, as Krista is slowly being pushed downward. A vile grin spreads across Malaysia’s face, watching Krista struggle to stay standing. Suddenly the wrestler of the year stops pushing back and instead pulls Malaysia towards her. Just as she hoped, the dominatrix is thrown off balance and confused by the tactic. As her breasts press into Malaysia’s, Krista pulls one foot back and swivels her torso; Malaysia is thrown overhead and lands with a thud that shakes the ring! “YEAAAAAAA!” “Thank you, thank you! That’s actually a judo throw called the Hayaku inakunare-yo!” “No!” a young Asain boy pipes up. “Hayaku inakunare-yo literally translates into I would like to expand my juices across the surface of your mother’s donkey.” Krista is annoyed, “Hey Captain Sulu, why don’t you tell us what this translates to [img=http://fc59.deviantart.com/fs21/f/2007/280/b/f/middle_finger_smiley_by_felladatimber.gif] Go ahead and break that one down Karate Kid.” Still bothered by the fan’s comment, Krista takes out her aggression on Malaysia with a hard slap across her cheek. “AGAIN!” Malaysia screams, as Krista’s hand print burns bright red on her golden skin. SLAP! “AGAIN!” Malaysia’s body rocks beneath Krista, brought to the early stages of ecstasy by her perverse pleasure. “Nah. Honey, I know all about the kinky sex fiend beneath the leather and I like to choke on a ball gag as much as the next lez, but today I want to know about-“ “SLAP ME!” “About the kinky middle eastern politics fiend beneath the leather. Ron Paul said there can be no such thing as Independent Israel. Your thoughts?” [b] “SLAP ME NOW!”[/b] “Your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand and yet still its a shade smarter than anything ever said by Elizabeath Hasselbeck. Bravo, honey, time for a treat.” Krista’s hands slash across Malaysia’s face in rapid-fire fury. Not lost on the audience is the way Malaysia’s tits heave and bounce with each powerful slap. Unfortunately for the Angle Award winning wrestler of the year, a barrage of slaps isn’t the ammunition needed to KO Malaysia, and she manages to regain her composure in order to grab Krista’s hands. “My turn!” She says through a seducing smile, as Krista works in vain to pull her hands free. Krista’s painstaking efforts come to a harsh end as Malaysia succeeds in rolling over onto her back with one powerful turn of their bodies. Although stunned to be on her back, Krista has enough of her wits to put her arms up to shield herself against the hellish slaps Malaysia throws into her face. Even with her arms used in her defense, the blows sting fiercely and force Krista to try and grab her hands like the Edmontonian had grabbed hers. But although Malaysia is too strong to be hindered by such tactics, she grows incredibly frustrated with her inability to be able to punish Krista the way she wants. And so she takes a firm and hurtful grip on Krissy’s hair, but this time she leans far over her head in order to pin her arms down. Much to Malaysia’s depraved delight, her ample breasts smother Krista’s face like twin flesh pillows. Both ladies are engage in an aggressive dance of leather and lace with Krista writhing towards freedom, and Malaysia fighting with all her strength to keep the buxom blonde in her dungeon of passion. COLE Hands were I can see them, Coach! Krista can feel the wrestling mat beneath her and Malaysia’s firm sweaty body sliding against her. The constant shifting of positions locks her into the task of moving her head in search of breathing room underneath her breasts. Her senses fill with the aroma and taste of their flesh as Malaysia plows them into her face. That her nipples are erect aren’t lost on Krista as they brush against the edges of her mouth. Like a tiger irresistibly drawn to its prey, Krista’s lips wrap around the nipple as she guides it into her hungering mouth and begins to suck and flick it with her tongue through the leather top. “Oh god – yes! God that's what I like!' Maylaysia hisses through pursed lips. Captivated by her performance as Krista’s lusty snack, the muscle goddess fails to notice that Krista is slowly guiding them both upright. Krista’s soft fingertips stroke the hardened nipple, making the ache and need in her boil over and she moans softly, arching towards her touch while she continues to rise. “Yes baby! That's what you do!” Malaysia bellows with guttural fire. Little does she know that Krista is moving with deliberate pace to remove herself from her body. Once Malaysia realizes something is a foul, Krista is already retreating to the ropes! The fitness queen bounces back with a flying forearm that throws Malaysia off her feet and into the canvas. The audience cheers the strike but their joy doesn’t last long with Malaysia quickly moving back upright. Not bothered by her foe’s resiliencey, Krissy casually scoots to the ropes and bounces back with another flying forearm. Again Malaysia goes down to delight the audience, but she again makes a speedy return to her feet. Now upright she thrusts her breasts at Krista’s face, a demand to resume the wild pleasuring. Krista doesn’t need to be asked twice, “If there’s one thing the great Julia Child taught us its that few things go better with nipples than light beer. Lay it on me, random fan in the crowd!” She shouts, and then receives a bottle of Coors light from helpful random fan in the crowd. With drink in hand she glides over to waiting Malaysia and dumps liquor on her chest. Malaysia’s voice cracks with a squealing glee as Krista does this… [img=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v348/SmugsUK/Torriestacylick.gif] The audience shares a similar overjoyed reaction as Malaysia, however Krista is surprisingly keen to return to business. She finds the will to break her tongue away from her beer soaked treasure and irish whips the fierce beauty to the ring ropes. As soon as she returns, Malaysia attempts to power through her foe with a lariat. But Krista ducks the oncoming strike, causing Malaysia to skid to an off balance halt. She tries to stage a quick recovery and retry her attack on Krista, but she can do nothing besides turn into several kicks to the leg. After her high heels batter Malaysia’s powerful calves, the wrestler of the year further weakens them by throwing her back into the cables. However Malaysia reverses the hold and sends the 4 time tag team champion rushing towards the ropes. Krista comes off the cables with a forearm leveled at Malasyia’s head, but she easily swoops bellow the oncoming strike. Once she reaches the opposite end of the ring she elevates herself to the top rope and dives backwards with a corckscrew moonsault press. Her billion dollar figure crashes into Malaysia and the scantily clad blonde babes topple into the canvas. The sold out Detroit audience gives the aerial display a rollicking round of applause COACH Screw this. Suck her nipples! “Malaysia, you gotta admit, “Krista begins. “Moonsaults, nipple sucking, boob play? I’m at least ten times as good as your prom date. Although according to Maggie, your prom date was just a mustache drawn on your hand that you claimed as Lou Diamond Phillips. I make no judgments, honey.” Emotional Pain. That’s the type of pain Malaysia doesn’t enjoy, and its also the type that sends her hurtling at Krista. But as she arrives the wrestler of the year flips her overhead and lands her across the canvas with an arm drag. Moving with incredible haste, Krista spins around into a moonsault. However, Malaysia shocks her by rolling out the way. Krista recovers from her surprise quickly enough to make an abrupt landing on her heels. But Malaysia still manages to strike her concussed head with a standing knee. COLE I wonder how Mister Dick will feel if Malaysia’s the first person to beat Krista. Its unpredictable because I don’t know who wears the pants in that relationship. COACH Neither. They both wear assless chaps. Malaysia face illuminates with a desire as she watches Krista whimper while holding her aching head. Eager to gain more pleasure from Krissy’s pain, the former women’s champion rushes forward to attack her with another knee strike. But it turns out the fitness queen catches onto Malaysia’s thick leg flap acks her into the air. The ring ropes catch her on her descent and force a gurgle of distress to seep from a face that’s painted by agony. “YEAAAAAAA!” the crowd chants as Krista feels a burst of aggressive tension grip her. In an almost barren ring, there’s little way to channel this sexually charged aggression. But what is there, Malaysia’s whip, is the perfect instrument to do so. Krista gathers it up and both her’s and the audience’s spines tingle with excitement. With a sudden flick of her wrist, Krista sends the whip slicing into Malaysia’s ass. The wire feels like a streak of fire burning into her; the pain is exquisite. She cries out in a mixture of pain and pleasure and strained at the ropes that bound her in place. “MORE!” she screams as Krista watches the beautiful sight of her BUTT snap and bounce from her lashes. Again and again, she strikes Malaysia stirring her firm ass around for the simple delight of her carnal fantasies. The crack of leather on leather joins with Malaysia’s enchanted screams of pleasure to further quench Krissy’s thirst. “My turn!” Malaysia hollers. “Nah. Don’t think so.” “My turn!’” “Honey, let it go. Move on with your life! Draw that Lou Diamond Phillips mustache on your hand and live again. LIVE! See movies, take walks, and finally get into the Harry Potter books your brothers and sisters swear by. You know Molly says she roots for Gryffindor, but secretly she loves her Slytherin boys. Ha ha!” Fine literature does not please Malaysia one bit, and she grabs onto the whip to take matters into her own hands. Scowling at her foe, she raises it above her head to strike down like the hammer of thor. But Krista counters by dropkicking her over the ropes! “YEAAAAAAAH!” scream the fans, though their joy is tempered when Malaysia lands on her boots. “I can’t send you home all sad.” Krista comments as she slowly slides down her skirt into… [IMG=http://www.smokingifs.com/uploads/Ass-Squeeze.gif] Much like the audience Malaysia stands mesmerized, captivated by the luscious body on full display. Unlike the audience Malaysia is in the middle of a match, and her enchantment proves costly; Krista comes over the ropes and flattens her with a picture perfect shooting star press. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the fans chant and receive a little ass wiggle in return. She then grabs onto Malaysia’s tight top and drags her upright. An irish whip sends Malaysia skidding into the guard rail, where she hollers a cry that’s all pain and zero pleasure. More pleased is Krista who watches the former women’s champion stagger away as she runs towards the stairs. Once she reaches her destination the California sex kitten uses it as a springboard to launch herself at her foe. She lands with the precision of a cougar across Malaysia’s back and wraps her claws around her in a piggy back sleeper hold! A bubbling grunt comes from Malaysia’s throat as she struggles to cope with the vice grip locked around her neck. The nearby front row fans urge her to tap out, adding to the frustration of the situation. COLE Krista looking to weaken Malaysia with a choke. But, someone like her has to be pretty familiar with asphyxiation. Indeed she as, as Malaysia calms down to wisely use her strength to try and maneuver Krista off her. The hold of Miss California is painfully tight, as she’s totally unwilling to relinquish her submission. “When I went to Disney Land as a kid I never got my piggy back ride from the bear from the jungle book. You’re the closest thing I’ve come across since, so you’re going to walk around and like it!” Krista demands. Malaysia’s shows no intention of yielding to Krista’s request and continues jerking and tugging at her cumbersome guest. Eventually her struggles give way to results; she’s able to shift Krista in front of her into her thickly muscled arms. Having the tanned beach bunny and her soft skin totally submissive within her dominant chains thrills Malaysia and ecstasy explodes on her face. COACH Suck them nipples girl! Krista jerks futilely against her bonds and her face contorts with anguish. Constrained by arms stronger then a boa constrictor, Krista has little recourse besides screaming in shock when Malaysia begins undoing the strap of her shirt. COLE She’s not! “I am!” “Oh, honey lemme help.” Malaysia’s eyes widened as she peels off her top, displaying round, firm breasts and an image made for a museum… [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/dem500i1372325efef06waf57.gif] "My hands are getting sore. Why don't you try?" Krista purrs to Malaysia MALAYSIA TO KRISTA [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/Titty-Rub.gif] ROBOCOP [img=http://www.gifflix.com/files/8089128842af.gif] While the fans, Robocop and Malaysia rejoice, its again only Malaysia who suffers thanks to her lost hold on Krista. The chesty covergirl covers her boobs with one hand, and uses her free arm to shove Malaysia into the ring. While the former womens champion takes a moment to recover, Krista slips back on her skimpy top to the disgust of the fans. “What? I will not catch pneumonia because you can’t masturbate quick enough!” She shouts back. Deciding to do something nice after that insult, she climbs to the top rope in a rather bent over way. Once that asstastic display concludes she flies at Malaysia and brings her down to the canvas with a cross body block! COLE No pin on that because you can only pin someone after you reach the holy dildo! Molly Nerdly reliably informs me this same dildo was in American Pie, Requiem for a Dream, several episodes of the L Word, and has done Shakespeariean theatre. Its good to work with a professional. Latching onto Malaysia’s shoulders, Krista is able bring the brawny lass upright. She keeps her staggered with a few elbow strikes to the collarbone, and then attempts to launch her at the ropes. But, Malaysia recovers her strength just in time to reverse the hold and send the high heeled babe trotting to the ropes. Krista springs forward with her trusted flying forearm, but all that does is allow Malaysia to catch her and drive her downwards with a crushing bossman slam! Horrified gasps fill the arena from the fans that watch Krista spasm in agony. "I’m going to have fun now." Malaysia steps close to her and grabs her hair in a painful grip. She winces as the muscle goddess hisses in her ear, "So much fun.” A painful twist of her hauls Krista upright and pulls pained groans out her mouth. Her cries are muzzled and her pain worsened when Malaysia sends a knee into her stomach. Miss Money In The Bank is left hunched over in distress, an easy target for the horrible backrake Malaysia inflicts her with. Krista is all too close to toppling over to the canvas, but her descent is halted by Malaysia letting her down gently across her knee. “Now its time for fun” Malaysia chuckles, taking in the sight of Krista’s firm and round cheeks. She watches them flex as Krista moves to be free, and she can no more stop herself than an earthquake. Her hand strikes out and begins spanking her. With each sharp blow her ass rebounded. He struck her until her asscheeks almost glow red and curses seem to flow perpetually. That pleases Malaysia enough to end the spanking and transfer Krista onto her shoulders. Giving Miss California no time to fight out she drops backwards and smashes Krista against the canvas with a Samoan Drop. Pain shoots throughout Krista’s aching body, a welcome occurrence to the sadistic Malaysia. COLE Overwhelming tenacity by Malaysia! COACH What’s overwhelming? COLE Her tenacity. COACH No. What’s overwhelming? What’s that mean?! COLE It means you’re a moron. As Krista is left crippled by Malaysia’s ruthless offense, the Nerdly bruiser is given the perfect opportunity to chase after the coveted dildo. A quick stride carries her to the corner, where she leaps onto the second rope and begins to unhook the dildo. The capacity crowd grumbles their distaste as Malaysia gets closer and closer to unchaining the marital aid. COLE It looks like Malaysia might have it! This match is more exciting than getting Joey Lawrence's album for the 10th anniversary of my coming out! COACH Girl, you know its true. But Malaysia’s triumph is delayed when Krista hauls her weary bones upright and rushes to her position. Not wanting to lose the victory she so was close to obtaining, Malaysia kicks her stiletto boots back at the wrestler of the year. Krista bobs and weaves, swiftly moving to avoid the furious kicks. Malaysia continues to slash away at Krista, but meets only with failure; Krista reaches up and hauls down her leather shorts! “YEAAAAAA!” Malaysia tries to take a page out of Krista’s book… [IMG=http://www.smokingifs.com/uploads/Sexy-oiled-ass.gif] The wondrous rump shaking turns the tables on Krista and transforms her into a drooling wreck. Pleased with using Krista’s tricks against her, Malaysia quells her booty and resumes going after the dildo. But just as soon as her BUTT stops bouncing, does Krista stop drooling. Now recovered, Krista hauls Malaysia off the top rope with a mighty heave! Unable to get her hands up in defense, the Deadly Babe’s fetching face smacks off the turnbuckles. The fans applaud in happiness at Malaysia’s misfortune. But the Edmontionian recovers from the stinging blow with remarkable speed, and whirls around with a punch. But Krista blocks the blow by swiping Malaysia in the gut with a boot. She leaps onto the third rope and then springboards back with a dropkick that sends her rival careening back into the ringposts. Exhausted by Kris’ rapid fire assaults, Malaysia slinks to the canvas and rests against the posts to recover her breath. “WRESTLER OF THE YEAR! WRESTLER OF THE YEAR!” “Hey now, that’s not very nice to exclude Malaysia in your chants. There’s plenty she can do. Such as…and…and then there’s that thing with the stuff and the thing, no that’s someone else. I bet she can eat her own weight in Twinkies!” Having fulfilled her compliment quota for the month, Krista struts to the center of the ring. One last look to a bone weary Malaysia, assures her that her foe is well weakened. That leads right into… [img=http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/6285/torrp9hd.gif] “YEAAAAAA!” the boisterous cheers scale up the decibel charts when Krista finally engulfs Malaysia within her bethonged booty. The touch of Krista’s golden flesh is glorious pleasure, a firebrand on her nerves, almost painful in it’s intensity. Far from humiliated or hurt, Malaysia cups Krista’s perfectly shaped BUTT, enjoying their weight and the smooth silkiness of the skin. Krista jumps, electricity coursing through her veins. She starts to pant; her breathing coming in short sharp bursts as Malaysia’s hands awaken every inch of her skin. “OWWW!” Krista suddenly whelps, a result of Malaysia’s sharp fang like teeth puncturing through her tanned flesh. The dominatrix can’t control her frenzied urges, and gnaws away at Krista’s bottom. Krista can no longer take being treated like a tenderloin steak and pulls herself away from Malaysia’s teeth. “That’s it! I am about to bomb on you! I’m The Dark Knight, and you’re Catwoman starring Halle Berry!” That proclamation sends her darting towards Malaysia. But much to her horror the BDSM fanatic springs to furious life and slams her shoulder through her stomach with a spear! Despite her fitness queen abs, the attack hurts mightily, and Krista moans in misery. “That’s what I like to hear, baby.” Malaysia purrs in response to her opponent’s hurt groans. Desperate to inflict more pain on Krista, Malaysia tugs on her hair to bring her upright. Now standing, the blood rushes to Krista’s brain, and that energy spurs her to attack the queen of mean with a flurry of elbows to the midsection. They do enough damage to win her her freedom and she rushes to the ringropes. Bouncing back she shoots forward in a graceful cross body block. But the move is wasted as she lands right inside Malaysia’s arms. Malaysia lips curl into a devilish grin, and she drops down to crush Krista with a fall forward slam! COLE How can Krista overcome the speed and raw power of Malaysia? How can anyone? Clutching a sore back, Krista makes a frustratingly slow return to her feet. But there’s no chance for her to attack due Malaysia clamping her arms around her with a front waistlock. Instantly Krista exerts a hellish effort to slide herself through Malaysia’s bonds. But her struggle is futile and she’s required to take alternate steps. “Wait, honey, wait. Before you powerslam, press slam, or NBA jam, me hear me out, okay? If you knew that inflicting horrible, awful, soul shredding pain on me would save a child’s life would you do it?” “No. Never. Hell no!” “Of course not, because you’re a hateful bitch, and god bless ya for it. But somewhere out there in ABC’s wide world of sports is a little child sick with cancer, who loves you. And he and/or she, not sure what I meant by and/or but you’re squeezing the oxygen out me, they’re thinking, if you could be the first person to do the impossible and beat me 1 on 1, they’ll have hope that they can do the impossible beat this disease. Are you really going to let this child not die the miserable death they so richly deserve? “I hate children. They break too easily.” Malaysia creepily complains as she agrees and let Krista down. “You did the right thing. For yourself. And for the earth.” Krista soothes her. Less soothing is the knife edge chops she throws at Malaysia that sends her stacked bosoms heaving and bouncing. Taking great personal sacrifice she ceases her chopping in order to throw Malaysia into the ringposts. The Deadly Nerdly slams into the turnbuckles, drawing a gasp of exhaustion out her mouth and staggering her backwards. As she struggles to stay upright, Krista zips past her to the ropes. The cables bounce her back at full force, which she uses to throw Malaysia down with a nasty [color="#FFFF00"][b]Blonds Never Pay a Cover[/b][/color] (side effect)! The audience pops huge, but the move isn’t as devastating as they would’ve liked; Malaysia promptly rolls off the canvas. But Krista lies in wait and strikes her back down with a dropsault. She comes off the dropsault on her heels, then immediately flips upright with a breathtaking standing shooting star press. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” Krista beams a red carpet smile towards her adoring audience as she glides to the pole. Her heels climb up the ring posts, and the audience’s cheers grow even more excited. Yet their celebration is a bit premature due to Malaysia storming towards Krista. A pair of vicious clubbing forearms smash into Krista’s spine, ending her ascent and causing her to cry in pain. Her weakened state allows Malaysia to grab onto her legs and lift her onto her shoulders in setup for a powerbomb. COLE The wrestler of the year in danger! But not for long, as she uses her amazing agility to peel over backwards and bring Malaysia down with a hurricanrana. However, her muscular legs can’t hold back Malaysia’s monster strength and the dominatrix uses it to push Krista back to the canvas. Her heart races and her blood thunders as her sexual soul is stirred by Krista’s angelic position. She shuffles forward to bring herself onto Krista’s face. Her hands rise to the soft curls of her hair, a sign of pounding ecstasy that already fills her. Her hot breath caresses her body, so close that Malaysia feels the backwash from each breath she exhales. “Oh, yeah! Give it to me. God, I love it. Ooooh, yes! Give me more!” Malaysia hollers. Krista’s fingertips were draws little diagrams on her captive’s inner thigh and, although not touching her groin, are sending fireworks up and down Malaysia’s left leg, Malaisya’s alabaster skin is flushed and her makeup is smudged with sweat. Krista stops, withdrawing her tongue for a moment, eliciting a groan from Malaysia’s lips. She teases her with a long, slow puff of air played out over the glistening wetness of her skin. And then suddenly she stops. There’s confusion from Malaysia as Krista uses all her might shove her away. Shocked by Krista’s sudden self control, referee Billy Silverman turns to her. SILVERMAN Are you okay? KRISTA :mellow: SILVERMAN Krista? Are you okay? KRISTA :throwup: MALAYSIA :firedevil: KRISTA [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/u897dog67.jpg] Understandably peeved over that slight, Malaysia rushes at Krista with arm raised in a lariat. But the wrestler of the year ducks bellow her weapon of choice. As they both angle their bodies towards the other Krista flurries her heel forward with a side kick. But Malaysia catches the expensive piece of footwear in her hands. The dominatrix groans a long, sustained agonized groan of full-bodied lust and then slides her tongue up and Krista’s thin ankles. Krista is as repulsed by foot fetishes as your fried P’OG and strikes a victory for us all with an enziguri! However, Malaysia manages to lower head just before it can be taken off by the lethal kick and Krista is forced into landing in a vulnerable position. The Deadly Babe is quick to take advantage of her poor spot by snatching her inside a waistlock and throwing her over with a release German Suplex! The pain is excruciating, leaving Krista feeling like its made ribbons of her back. COLE God, what a suplex! And what a statement Malaysia could make here if she beats the Angle Award winning wrestler of the year. A bitter laugh escapes Malaysia’s lips as she turns her back on her fallen foe and makes her way up the turnbuckles. Fingertips within mere centimeters of the dildo, Malaysia explodes with deep-throated cackles of triumph. But in an example of pride coming before the fall, Krista miraculously powerbombs her off the ropes. The OAOAST Marks pour out wild cheers as Malaysia touches down with a resonating thud. COACH You can’t let homegirl deny you like that! Bark like a dog and smush her face on like you Kevin Garnett and she a 5’9 euro! Krista pauses for a moment to lean against the ropes and let her breath come to her. It doesn’t arrive as fast as she would like, but with Malaysia stirring there’s little time to waste. She begins moving towards the ropes, but is held in place by a solid tug on her hair. Malaysia uses her pretty blond locks as a leash to yank her into an inverted facelock. Her cobalt eyes spewing hatred, she falls downward and hits and further damages Krista’s concussed head with an inverted DDT “MINE!” Malaysia screams pointing to the dildo. “I don’t care how much you scream in all caps that dildo is mine!” Krista announces, stomaching her pain. She then proves her point by kipping up and pointing an angry finger at Malaysia. The former women’s champion dismisses her with a sneer and continues to the turnbuckles. This is to her detriment; the GLAADiator runs forward and grabs her with a side headlock. Within moments Malaysia is being twisted and twirled before she’s dumped face first onto the ground by Krista’s stratusfaction. “BOOOOOO” hisses the audience, their joy for Krista’s comeback deflated by [b]Melissa Nerdly[/b] rushing down the ramp. Ignoring the chants of “SLUT” from the audience Malaysia’s younger sister quickly scurries onto the apron to distract Krista. KID is no Woody Allen, as the Scarlet Johanssen lookalike has little effect on her. Thus all Melissa does is attract the attention of the referee, while she watches with dreading hurt as Krista climbs onto the top rope. “By taking this dildo I hereby vow and swear to uphold the holy noble truths and use it only for the greater good of pleasuring cute, Mexican girls that rack up charges on my credit with constant purchases of magic beans. This is my promise.” Krista finishes her solemn vow and takes on the heavy burden of being the one and only dildo bearer! COLE She got it! “It's gettin' it's gettin' it's gettin' it's gettin' it's gettin' It's gettin' it's gettin' it's gettin' its’ getting its getting’ kinda heavy Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh I’ve got the POWER!” This power that she speaks of is displayed through a dildo assisted top rope lariat aimed at a slowly rising Malaysia. But Malaysia’s speedless rise was only a ruse, a clever way of playing possum that allows her to easily catch across her shoulders in position for her Canandian Backbreaker Pilerdriver. The fans hold their breath and utter silent prayers for Krista’s safety. Those are prayers that don’t go unanswered as Krista slides down Malaysia’s back and brings her down with a crippler crossface! The dildo aids her by forcing itself into Malaysia’s mouth, stretching out her jaw, neck and shoulders! “YEAAAAAAAAA!” As much as Malaysia enjoys the kinky pain Krista has brought her, the shouts from her sister tell her she needs to focus on winning. And so reluctantly, she uses her awe inspiring muscle to roll through the hold. She moves back upright, cocking her fist to terrorize Krista. But she’s assaulted by a face full of boobies… [IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/user97_pic1553_1229542401.gif] MALAYSIA [img=http://fc32.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/339/6/c/Emoticon___Dizzy_by_S_Wolf.gif] Malaysia blinks back her grogginess and with the ferocity of a werewolf, lunges at her enemy. But this attack proves fatal as the blond bombshell drives the dildo right into her mouth! Her whole body tenses, and for a moment Krista thinks she might throw her off, but she shudders visibly overcome by the erotic spell Krista’s cast. She has Malaysia suck it hard and fast, bobbing her head quickly on the dildo. She grabs her by the back of the head, Malaysia’s hips thrusting forward involuntarily, as she groaned. Krista moans in response, increasing Malaysia’s own arousal. She salivated all over its head and shaft until it was slimy-wet, and then, without any warning, rips it out of Krista’s hands. “My turn!” She bellows once again in her deep lioness roar, and then stabs the dildo at Krista’s throat. Fortunately (or unfortunately) Krista sidesteps the approaching sex toy. “Hey hey hey, I didn’t pay 35 dollars in GLAAD membership for forced oral and not to receive my gay cheese of the month. This month’s is the transsexual super cheese Monterey Jackie!” Malaysia hasn’t any interest in LGBT cheeses, and rushes forward to lower down the dildo like the sword of damacles. KRISTA TO MALAYSIA [img=http://pr0n.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/9/99/Owned0gz.gif] Krista picks the fallen dildo up, and with her face frozen in dramatic heroism, slowly turns into the camera. “Who’s got the power…I GOT THE POWER!” “YEAAAAA!” Krista wraps the dildo around a stunned Malaysia’s neck and uses the prop to pull her downwards as she leaps up with knees tucked into her chest. The KIDology bounces Malaysia off her knees onto the mats, leaving the ferocious tiger as harmless as a newborn kitten. While the audience celebrates an impending victory, Krista hooks Malaysia’s leg for a pin.. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! Melissa dives into the ring! CROWD THREE! Melissa falls onto Krista but she’s a nanosecond to late, and the audience is allowed to throw a gargantuan pop into the air for Krista’s win. “In My Arms” returns to the arena sound system as the fans continue their cheering and applauding. BUFFER The winner…KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN! The most wild celebrating is done by the Detroiters, as Krista’s victory party extends no further than sipping a martini and wiggling her booty at a few lucky fans. COLE Put it in the books! Concussion and all, Krista ends 2008 as the wrestler of the year, and starts 2009 defending that crown with a hard fought victory over her daughter’s old archenemies. And the Deadly Alliance finishes the night with 1-2 record. Not so great for the stable of the year. [b]EULOGY BY REJECT[/b] COACH HA-HA! You were saying! The fans throw a maddened fit over what they’ve just seen, blasting Reject with heat that burns as hot as a furnace. He, however, only stares at Krista with a distant, frostbitten stare. However his emotionless response is deeply contrasted by Malaysia, who’s face fills with colour and life. She rises back upright, expanding her arms and roaring her queen of the jungle roar. COLE This is totally unnecessary! Unnoticed in Reject’s arrival and Malaysia’s return, Melissa had creeped outside. But her return back into the ring is within everyone’s eyes due to her bringing a chair with her. The tool is dropped in front of Krista, and Reject and Malaysia nod an agreement on an unspoken plan. He brings her upright, but merely does so to shove her into the arms of Malaysia. The Deadly Babe lifts Krista onto her shoulders and then smashes her head against the steel chair with a her dangerous pile driver finisher! “BOOOOOOO!” The audience may hiss and holler all they want, but there is nothing they can do to stop Reject and Malaysia from battering their victim with stomps. “YEAAAAAAAA!” What’s that cheer for? Why its for Tyler Bryant and [b]SHAYNE BRAVE[/b] rushing to the ring! COACH Its good to see they changed pants and washed their hands before coming out here. The DA members scatter the moment the hometown heroes hit the ring, but with Krista left KO’ed in the center of the ring the damage is done. Melissa and Reject point menacing fingers at D*LUX while Malaysia licks her lips at the image of Krista’s wounded body. Tyler and Shayne stand on the ring ropes, loudly and courageously daring the DA to come and fight. “D*LUX! D*LUX! D*LUX!” COLE Thank god, Detroit’s very own D*LUX was here to rescue Krista. But Krista came into this match with a concussion and she’s not leaving it in any better shape.

COLE Folks, we're having a blast here in Detroit and things are about to get even wilder, because I have COD standing by! We cut bakstage to the COD dressing room where Krista Isadora Duncan, wearing a white bath robe, stands with regularly dressed Alix, clad in a white polo shirt and heavily destroyed jeans. The two seem to be engaged in an argument. KRISTA I am telling you this with all absolute honesty. Steve Nash would kill you in seconds. ALIX But, like, I don't mean attack him just like all up front and stuff. I mean, like you know, get a group of dudes, some lazer rifles, and some flying barracudas, and just let em do what they will. No more playoff games for that rat faced Canadian dork! KRISTA I think you'd be slapped by a zooolgst for violating the laws of the animal kingdom. Flying barracudas? Anyway what do you care about Nash, I thought you were a clippers fan? ALIX I have love for my brothers in purple and gold. KRISTA Jumping on the bandwagon are we? ALIX Noooooooo. Its more like I'm paying a friendly visit. Like if Jay does a song with Lil Wayne, doesn't mean he's not part of the Roc anymore. KRISTA Uh-huh. Sorry bandwagon full. But, hey, the colours look real nice next to your Los Angeles Angels of Anhaiem of California of Orange County of Southern California of Costal California jersey. ALIX Shut up! COLE Um...girls. ALIX Ahhhhh! Who said that? God? God! God, is speaking to us! COLE Well, thank you. But its actually me, Michael Cole. Krista last week on HeldDOWN, The Deadly Alliance invaded your family baseball game and left you with a mild concussion. We want to know, how is your head? ALIX How do you think it is, you communist monster? You Islamic terrorist! You savage raper of god's earth! You degenerate white devil! HOW DO YOU THINK IT IS, SON OF SATAN! I dunno, Krista, how is your head? KRISTA The doctor said I have a mild concussion, which I guess is different from a regular concussion in that the headaches aren't horrific and soul shattering. Just plain soul shattering. Lucky Krista! Also the painkillers they gave me, have less value on the black market. Um I see two of everything, but that may be because I've been injecting Martini's into my blood. My vision is blurred sometimes. My jaw feels like its being beaten with a dumbell and my judgement is completely out of wack. Today...I actually wore a bra. ALIX I noticed your nipples weren't as erect as they usually are. COLE The Deadly Alliance were neither suspended nor fined for their attack on you, even though it took place outside the OAOAST confines. Does it upset you that Josie Baker did not levy a punishment on Mister Dick and his crew? KRISTA That's a fantastic question from a fantastic man. ALIX Fantastic man? Wow, you're really not feeling good! Usually ya just call him "Hey Assface" or if you're feeling extra cranky you just throw a brick at him. KRISTA The answer is why would I harbor any sort of malice or ill will to the greatest female leader this side of Caroline Kennedy? The very fact that Deadly Alliance and Mister Dick haven't been suspended for insulting my thirteen year old daughter, sexually threatening my eighteen year old, flying cross country to bean me with a baseball, flying to Detroit to attack one of my biggest fans, tying me up, molesting me, promising to target and hurt every single person I hold dear, the fact that no one has even got a "Ya know that just ain't very Christian of ya, Mister Dick" takes me to a happy place. A happy place where love fills the air, hope springs eternal, and republicans are hunted and brutally devoured by a gigantic dragon that looks Jesus Christ. Honey, this my come as a shock to you, but I actually requested to Josie that she conduct of all her appearances inside the San Diego Chicken suit. Its unique, its fun, its a giant chicken. When that didn't take, I managed to connivence her not to fine Mister Dick or the Deadly Alliance. You might be saying to yourself why would she do that? I would reply you shouldn't say things to yourself, honey, talking to yourself is a sign of paranoid schizophrenia. I would then say because by giving Mister Dick and Malaysia carte blanche to do whatever they want to me, I've got carte blanche to do whatever I want to the both of them. And what I want to do is call in an Israeli air strike and bomb them both off the face of this terrestrial planet Hamas style. COLE You'll get your chance tonight when you face Malaysia in the first ever dildo on a pole match. ALIX I think the key to winning this match, is to use that teleportation device Melody and I have been working on to teleport yourself to the dildo! KRISTA Its not a teleporter. Its a Lucky Charms box with the word charms crossed out and teleportation written in crayon and spelled with a p. Peleporation. ALIX I don't see you coming up with any genius ideas, miss thang. KRISTA Oh no? I think I do have idea. Not sure if its genius or not. ALIX Lay it on me, sister of soul and funk, and I will be judge, jury and executioner of its geniuses. KRISTA My idea is for you to shut up. ALIX My idea is that you're a retard. KRISTA That's not an idea that's an observation. ALIX Says the retard. KRISTA I don't know how to continue this argument. ALIX You shouldn't because you're a retard. KRISTA Oh, good one. ALIX I thought so. That's why I said it. COLE Um...Mister Dick has made a challenge to you at the grandest stage of them all.. KRISTA No way! They're putting Soul Train back on the air? You best not be messin wit' a bitch, fool! COLE No. Not Soul Train. Anglemania! KRISTA Oh. Leon Rodez is a poor substitue for Don Cornelius. Oh, honey, what am I saying? Believing he'll still be champion by then is like believing gay men and black women from lower income areas AREN'T the only ones who can get aids. Absurd! Yes, now back to Mister Dick. Honey, its hard to fit in Anglemania on the Blackberry between lunch with Angelina, dinner with J-Lo, sweaty monkey sex with Alix, so be a darling and remind me when it is. COLE Anglemania comes to you live from Indianapolis on April the 5th. KRISTA April the 5th. Not the 4th. Not the 6th. But the 5th. Gee shucks, Bubba! I was supposed to perform the ceremony for Terry's marriage to a naked mole rate. TERRY (O.S) I won't marry him! ALIX He comes from good stock, and we need the dowry to keep the land! You wanna see this family go under? Do ya? Do ya? KRISTA Honey, forget the naked mole rat. Let it crawl back up Christian Wright's ass, I gots me some fightin to do! I happily accept Mister Dick's invitation. I happy accept the opportunity to castrate him. I happily accept the opportunity to undo said castration, only to re do it, and I happily accept the opportunity to leave him in a pool of his blood, urine, feces and if I can find just the right sledgehammer, brain fluid. Basically I accept the right to make April 5th the most terrible, rotten, no good, very bad day of Mister Dick's pointless existence. ALIX Do you accept the right to do an Irish jig? KRISTA But of course! ALIX Yo, non fiction dialogue, home skillet! Word to mother, MD's foul way just bought him some of dat gun play! :9mm: BLAT BLAT BLAT ALL UP IN THE SAN ANTONIO UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT! KRISTA What is that? ALIX It could either be the declaration of independence or it could be a gun. KRISTA Why do you have a gun? ALIX Uh hello, this is planet earth, calling for Krista. Unlike some people I'm not gonna get raped, shot or murdered when I'm drinking 40s on Skid Row. KRISTA Why would you ever go to Skid Row? ALIX Um, we're feeling pretty retarded today, aren't we? I'd go there to rape, shoot, or murder. How am I gonna do that without a piece? COLE That actually does make sense, Krista. KRISTA You wanna brick thrown at your head? COLE No ma'am! I'm sorry. Thank you for joining us and good luck tonight against Malaysia.

dildo on a pole coming in a few hours! Blue spotlights move in a speedy horizontal pattern as “Makes Me Wonder” plays to a rocking accompaniment of overjoyed cheers. Thousands of Detroiters come out of their (overpriced) seats to welcome one of their very own, Tyler Bryant. The hometown reception isn’t lost on Tyler, and he explodes through the entrance doors with incredible energy. Down goes his denim jacket, cast to the steel floor, and up go his arms in salute to his native city. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of thirty minutes! Now making his way to the ring, weighing in at one hundred and ninety six pounds, he hails from right here in Auburn Hills, Michigan, he is Tremendous Tyler Bryant! The ovation from the sold out audience grows even greater, as Tyler happily slaps hands with those who have come to give him their love and support. COLE This match is so personal. So personal. Mister Dick has needlessly attacked Tyler with cheap shots, insulted him, targeted his personal hero in Krista, and tried to keep his best friend from making his long awaited return to the OAOAST. COACH Bad things happen when good men do nothing. Good men were doing nothing and a bad thing like Tyler Bryant being employed by the OAOAST continued to happen. First PRL, then Brave, and now Bryant? Damn, you think if I drop some hints, Mister Dick’ll take a bus and back it over the Love Doctors? Tyler dives into the rings, and leaps to his feet to offer one final nod to a roaring and approving audience. COLE Can you imagine how much it would mean to Tyler if he could beat Mister Dick here in the arena he grew up watching live wrestling events at? COACH It’d be like the Tooth Fairy leaving some delicious crack rock under your pillow, you may dream about it, you may even rip out some of yo teef stick em underneath yo pillow and pray, but in the end it just ain’t gonna happen. You stuck smoking that section 8 crack! COLE I’m quite fond of section 8 crack. Folks, Tyler Bryant had a few things to say about his match with Mister Dick. Let’s take a listen. TYLER Mister Dick, I’m an easy going type of guy. In a sport full of hot heads, I’m the one guy you can look too to have a mellow attitude. That is until you came along. You [i][color="#0000FF"]I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls! When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ri[/color]de! [color="#FF0000"]I date a girl who whips my hide And my 12 inches is my greatest pride I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls![/color][/i] [i][b]Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer[/b][/i] The All American Dick receives the type of cross reaction one would expect from someone with his execrable rap sheet. The sizzling sparks of the golden pyro fall from the arena ceiling adding their own heat to the flaming one of the audience. Into this atmosphere emerges the Texas stud muffin, Mister Dick. He allows his bath robe to fall away from his broad shoulders where one of the stage hands quickly whisks it away. His dark tan skin holds a beautiful sheen from light body oil covering his entire body, serving to highlight the definition and tone of his hard muscles. He twirls around inside gold and white spotlights, showing himself as the poster boy for every underwear add you’ve ever seen. Thighs as thick and muscled as both of Tyler’s put together, not to mention arms as thick as tree-trunks as he held them above his head taunting crowd. When he slowly turns, it isn’t the definition of his tight "six-pack" stomach however, but the monster-sized prick between his legs that indeed stand out stiff, long and almost threatening. COLE I can’t believe you, the person so homophobic he can’t even keep his clothes in the closet, is an unabashed Mister Dick fan. COACH Every straight man is allowed one vaguely homosexual crush. This is written in the book of man laws. Listening to you, the library must’ve forgot to lend you a copy. Mister Dick slowly turns on his way down the ramp so that his legion of haters has an opportunity to add with penis envy to their list of reasons to despise him. BUFFER Now making his way to the ring from San Antonio, Texas, weighing in at two hundred thirty six pounds, he is the multi Angle Award winning MISTER DICK! The award winning Dick performs a graceful slide into the ring, nearly slicing through the legs of Tyler, who was lucky to be able to back up. With a perverse and lecherous eye on a young lady in the front row, the Human Hard On furiously plows his pork n beans into the ring mat. Bryant looks on disgusted and outraged, hardly able to keep himself from cheap shotting Mister Dick before the bell even rings. COLE Mister Dick had a great a night at the Angle Awards, but what kind of night will he have here, facing Tyler Bryant? [color="#808080"] DING DING DING![/color] Immediately after the bell rings, an angered Bryant charges towards Mister Dick. But his fury and energy isn’t much of a match for the Human Hard On, and the former Texas A&M QB dsucks his rival into a headlock. The Tremendous one tries to pull himself free of MD’s muscular arms, but those powerful limbs are harsh jailers and refuse to release him. Tyler won’t give up on his quest and peppers MD’s side with piddling shots. Though annoying, they don’t do enough damage to the Cocky Prick to prevent him from flinging the former HI-YAH tag champ over with a headlock takeover. Bryant hits the ground hard, with force that should knock the wind out him. Yet he keeps himself sharp and composed and continues to try and fight out of Mister Dick’s arms. “MISTER PENCIL DICK! MISTER PENCIL DICK!” the fans chant, trying to throw MD off his game. They appear to have some success as Tyler is able to bring himself and his foe upright. Back onto his feet, Tyler finally manages to rid himself of The Cocky Prick with a hard shove into the ropes. But The Human Hard On rumbles back with his powerful leg raised for a Stiff Kick! Tyler ducks beneath the signature move and prepares to slash his rival with a spinning wheel kick. But before he can even get off the ground the ultra athletic Mister Dick knocks him over with a dropkick! “BOOOO!” hisses the audience as they watch the hated villain [i]spit[/i] on the boybander. But rather than get mad like the audience, Tyler gets even, and douses Mister Dick in spittle! His eyes brimming with horror and outrage, MD looks downward to find that Bryant’s loogie has landed right on his favorite body part. “YEAAAA!” the audience screams, doing nothing to calm Mister Dick’s flaring anger. His rage causes him to blast Tyler in the neck with a boot as the boybander begins heading back to his feet. Struggling for breath, Bryant stumbles back into the corner where he uses the ring ropes to support himself. There’s no time to catch his breath though thanks to MD attempting to use his shiny metal dick to return the spit back into Bryant’s mouth. But Bryant uses the ropes slide himself out the way, and MD crashes cock first into the ring posts! COLE It should come as no surprise that Mister Dick missed that move, as he’s 0-8 on it when 70% or more of Baltimore fisherman catch crab the day before. COACH What galaxy did you pull that stat from? Thanks to his ever important steel cup, the Cocky Prick’s prick is able to avoid any serious damage. But the steel cup can’t prevent him from being brought down to the ground by a springboard lariat! “YEAH-UH!” Tyler shouts to his fanbase as he leaps to his feet. Mister Dick quickly follows him back up, but is brought back to the canvas by a crowd popping arm drag. He tries to scurry away, to put some distance between he and the teen idol, but Tyler shuts down his escape with an armlock. “LET’S GO TYLER! LET’S GO TYLER!” chants the sold out crowd, getting an appreciative nod from their fellow Detroiter. Unfortunately Tyler’s moment to acknowledge his people comes at a heavy cost, as it allows MD to find his way back upright. He snaps his arm free of Bryant’s hold and then batters his foe’s slender midsection with brutal kicks. COLE When Mister Dick throws at least thirty kicks in a match and wears trunks with red lettering he is 12-3 against wrestlers that way under 220 lbs but over 165 pounds. COACH Damn, son, you suckin real hard, now. You suckin [i]Day The Earth Stood Still[/i] hard. COLE These are valid stats, my friend, part of the new OAOAST360 computer program designed by Melody Nerdly in conjunction ESPN! All the up to the minute in depth stats on your favorite stars. After weakening Tyler with enough stomps Mister Dick attempts to throw him towards the opposite end of the ring. But the Detroiter reverses the hold and sends his rival into the ropes. The Texan comes roaring back trying to flatten Tyler with a shoulder tackle. But Bryant succeeds in guiding his charging adversary onto his shoulders and then falls backwards to plant him onto the canvas with a samoan drop! COLE In games decided by three or less points in December, the Patriots are 7-0 when it snows with more than 8 minutes to go before halftime and the sum of the quarterback's and running back's numbers is less than 50, when such a situation occurs on an even dated Sunday when the moon is 3/4th regression, Tyler Bryant is able to get at least a two count off a Samoan drop. COACH My brain! I can’t feel my brain! Mister Dick hurries to a standing position, but all his haste does is cause him to be captured by a running snap stunner! Although it leaves him with horrific pain in his neck, he remains upright, woozy from the strike. This allows Tyler to bounce off the ropes and lacerate him with a diving lariat! As soon as Mister Dick hits the canvas, Bryant slides on top of him for a pinfall that’s scored by Charles Robinson ONE! TWO! Mister Dick pulls his shoulder off the mat. Now free of the pinfall, Mister Dick crawls towards the corner in order to use it as a base to catch his breath. Problematically, the adorable teen idol follows him in and begins cutting into his baby oiled skin. Tyler’s fast moving chops do quite a bit of damage to Mister Dick, but they come to a sudden close when the Human Hard On blasts him in his own mister dick with his cowboy boots. “BOOOOOO!” Detroit spews their venom at Mister Dick as their hometown hero falls over into the ropes, howling in agony. Robinson tries to warn MD against repeating that dirty play, but the Texan remarks that its not his fault Tyler hasn’t come as well equipped as he has. COACH Hehehehe. One of Detroit’s most eligible bachelor’s just got a lot less eligible. Now ignoring the continued admonishments of Robinson, Mister Dick grabs onto the back of Bryant’s head and throws him face first into the near by ring posts. The teenage girls in the audience shriek in panic over their crush’s possibly wounded face. Their object of affection almost topples over to the ground, but Mister Dick keeps him upright and launches him to the opposite corner. Tyler smacks into the ring posts, his back absorbing the brunt of an awful blow. MD smiles cruelly at the pain he’s inflicted, and then runs in with his arm raised into a lariat! But his approach is far too telegraphed, and this allows Tyler to kick up his sneakers and block his attack. While his friends and family applaud his counter, Tyler quickly leaps onto the top rope where he plans to execute a moonsault press. He takes a second to pump the audience up with eager hand clapping. And although the fans respond in earnest, he leaves himself open to Mister Dick (no homo) who leaps onto the second rope next to Bryant. The boybander tries to elbow his rival away from him, hitting him in his handsome face with furious blows. But the flurry of strikes comes to a decisive and violent end when The Human Hard On flings him backwards with a side Russian leg sweep. “OOOOOOH!” is the reaction from the Motor City crowd as the two warriors land with ring shaking impact on the mat. COLE OAOAST 360 tells me that whenever Mars is in retreograde and Detroit weather is bellow forty degrees between the times of 5:15 and 8:07 Shayne Brave has a 76% chance of hitting a move from the second rope. Did you know that, Coach? COACH I know you oughta choke on a dick dipped in rat shit. Bryant rolls around the mat with his hand held against his badly injured back, as Mister Dick mocking stands above him crying unsympathetic crocodile tears. Once done with taunting his foe, MD covers his body for a fall… ONE! TWO! Bryant gets his shoulder off the canvas. Beyond that, he’s able to accomplish little more as an angered Mister Dick drops a leg directly onto his face. He returns to his feet and lays his spurred boots into Bryant’s chest. After the third stomp lands, Mister Dick drops down for another cover… ONE! TWO! Once again Bryant finds a way to avoid certain defeat. But just like before Bryant isn’t able to return to the offense, thanks to Mister Dick clamping his chiseled arms around his face in a camel clutch. “LET’S GO TYLER! LET’S GO TYLER!” his hometown fans begin to rally behind him. Tyler’s teeth grit together hard, almost grinding themselves into white ashes as he attempts to stomach this rising pain. Above him his opponent’s thick Texas accent hollers at the referee to call for the bell. COLE Its not often we see a camel clutch end a match in the OAOAST, but the strength of Mister Dick is enough to get something like that done. Bryant hollers defiant “no”s to the referee’s constant asking of if he’ll submit. While his mouth screams the negative, his aching body yearns for the positive. “Give it up, boy! You ain’t got nothing for me!” The Human Hard On shouts at him. COLE Its disgusting to see that some of our most talented young superstars, Reject, Mister Dick, Spencer Reiger, come with such poor attitudes. COACH Hell is wrong with you? Turn on that OAOAST 360 program and tell us how Zack Malibu has a perfect winning percentage when he lies you down on the bed and does you raw. “TYLER! TYLER! TYLER!” Detroit sings, and their support is rewarded by their hometown hero attempting to pry Mister Dick’s fingers away from his face. Even though MD has a grip tighter than the jaws of life, Bryant finds some success and uses it to slowly push himself upright. Mister Dick is forced to follow suit, as he tries in desperation to keep his hold applied. This becomes frustratingly difficult when Bryant begins ramming his elbow into MD’s super ripped stomach. The audience’s chants grow louder and louder, as Bryant’s elbows grow all the more furious. But, his rebellion is shut down as Mister Dick floors him with a forearm across the back. “BOOOOO!” the fans spit their venom, neither amused nor aroused by Mister Dick grinding his magnificently proportioned body above the boybander. COLE Now I’m not one to complain about a half naked man shaking what his mama gave ‘em but what can be gained by insulting our great OAOAST Marks? COACH The first part of that sentence is why the second part exists. Mister Dick never had the kind of success he has now when he was pandering to these clowns. He’s in it for him and not the Marks, and that’s why he’s a future world champion. The Cocky Prick grabs onto to Tyler’s designer denim and pulls him to his feet. Now upright Tyler is brought into a front facelock, and feels a firm grip on the hip of his pants. Within moments he’s brought into the air for a vertical suplex. But the move is never completed as Tyler counters by falling backwards and rolling up the Angle Award winning superstar into a pinfall… ONE! TWO! Mister Dick kicks out right as the fans were preparing to celebrate an upset victory. Tyler slowly gets to his feet, trying to plan a move that will keep MD down. But his lethargic movement greatly hinders him as Mister Dick tears through him with a lethal stiff kick! The teenage girls in attendance shriek with dismay as they watch their cute idol fall to the ground in a battered heap. COLE Mister Dick doesn’t always hit the Stiff Kick, but when he does, its lights out! Mister Dick mounts Bryant and begins throwing a barrage of punches into his face, all while making kissey faces at a group of girls wearing “D*LUX” sweatshirts in the front row. The official pleads with MD to cease his use of closed fists, but the Cocky Prick refuses to hear his request. Finally, the referee is left with no choice but to threaten DQ. This causes MD to end his battering of Tyler, but then leads to him ordering the referee “to mind yer damn business!” COLE He’s the assigned official of the contest. If its anyone’s business, its his! Mister Dick’s argument with the referee affords Bryant much needed time to recover. With some of his strength back, he stumbles back to his feet. Unfortunately, his comeback ends before it starts; Mister Dick leaves him on the mat with a running neckbreaker. A second after Tyler hits the mats, he’s covered by Mister Dick… ONE! TWO! Tyler kicks out the pin and there’s a loud ovation from the Motown fans. There’s also a roar from Mister Dick, who lets his frustration over the count be loudly known. Thankfully for the front row audience’s ear drums, Mister Dick goes onto more productive activities by hooking Tyler into a rear chinlock. COLE With the beating Mister Dick has given Tyler, I don’t know how he’s going to handle this type of move. Tyler wails with agony as MD wrenches his neck back and forth between his powerful hands. Pain stretches all across his countenanance and even the support of his native city doesn’t do much to stifle his misery. COACH This right here, dawg, is why the Deadly Alliance recruited Mister Dick. Because he can pound a dude out and then torture him until he submits. Tyler begins a painstaking struggle to get himself off the canvas. Despite Mister Dick’s tough hold on his chin, he succeeds in his efforts. But his opponent still has his deadly submission intact. Thus Tyler begins fighting against it by shooting elbows back into his six packed stomach. These strikes do just enough damage for Tyler to be able to upend MD with a back body drop! “YEAAAAAA!” COLE Yeah! Way to go, Tyler! The fans put out shouts of encouragement to Tyler, urging him to get to his feet and take the fight to Mister Dick. He slowly crawls to the ropes, seeking to use them in support of granting their wishes. Unfortunately a well recovered MD rushes towards him, intending on planting his boot into his skull. But, Tyler moves out the way at the last second, and only MD’s quick reflexes prevent him from being impaled crotch first on the second rope. So shocked over nearly destroying his prized possession, MD doesn’t notice Tyler rolling upright. This is a serious problem as the teenybopper leaps off the third rope and connects with a springboard leg lariat. The audience sends out a gigantic cheer as the hated Mister Dick is slammed to the ground. COLE A beautiful springboard dropkick from Tyler Bryant! There aren’t too many that can fly like him. What an athlete this guy is. COACH He ain’t better than Mister Dick! Bryant barely made the JV hockey team in high school, while Mister Dick was starring for the Aggies at the QB position. COLE Oh please. He was third string and god knows how many times his poor attitude nearly got him kicked off the team. Tyler gets back to his feet and rushes towards the ropes. He bounces off with the intent on striking a slowly rising Mister Dick with a cross body block. But midway through the move, MD reclaims his strength and with unerring ease throws Tyler over with a powerslam. The referee drops to his knees to count the fall.. ONE! TWO! A kickout by Tyler brings a massive ovation from his fans. Mister Dick quickly hops to his feet, and with a grip on Tyler’s shaggy cut brings him to his feet. He slams his knee into the side of Bryant’s head, drawing a horrible cry of agony from the youngster. Three more knees follow and leave Tyler doubled over, fighting a miserable battle just to be able to stand. Rather than capitalize on his foe’s wounded state, Mister Dick sees this as a perfect opportunity to grab his crotch and spit at the disdaining audience. “MISTER PENCIL DICK! MISTER PENCIL DICK! MISTER PENCIL DICK!” Mister Dick runs to the ropes and comes back with a knee aimed towards Tyler’s face. But the Detroiter sidesteps the strike and stuns his foe by hooking onto his arms and bringing him down with a backslide pin. ONE! TWO! Mister Dick recovers from his moment of shock just in time to kick out. COACH That was too close, man! How’d this bum almost beat a prolific don juan like Mister Dick? Back on their feet, Tyler keeps the heat on Mister Dick by tagging him in the jaw with a left-right combo of jabs. Mister Dick’s head snaps back and forth like a basketball dribbled on the court. Out on his feet, he can only watch through dazed eyes as Tyler runs towards the corner and springboards off with a moonsault press! “Let’s hear it, Motor City!” he hollers, leaping back to his feet. “YEAAAAAAAAH~!” they return back, as Mister Dick tries to scrape his body off the canvas. Halfway up, his head is rocked forward by the tremendous power behind Tyler’s shining enziguri! Nearly concussed by such a devastating attack he falls to the canavs, where the rock hard ring mat muffles his screams. COLE I think there could be an upset in our future! Tyler senses an impending victory as well, and impatiently bounces back and forth on his feet, awaiting Mister Dick’s rise. A victorious hunger sprouts in his eyes, and his hands twitch with an over eager anticipation. COLE He’s feeling it, Coach. He’s feeling it! COACH I’m feeling it to. It being “like barfing at your wacked out man love for this Tiger Beat clown” Tyler finally gets his wish as Mister Dick finds his way upright. He pounces upon his foe, taking his long slender body onto his shoulders in a standing fireman’s carry. A large pop comes from the stands, the fans happily awaiting his execution of the Idolizer. But their desired finisher is put on hold by Mister Dick overpowering his way through Tyler’s clutches. Immediately upon touching down on the canvas, The Human Hard On wraps his powerful arms around Tyler’s in a full nelson. Seconds later, Tyler is being flung to the canvas and KO’ed by the Pure Penetration! “OOOOOH!” reacts the audience, feeling the pains of going from the highes of victory towards the low of defeat. COLE Damn it. Damn it. I thought Tyler had this one. Mister Dick rolls Bryant onto his back for a crucial pinfall… ONE! TWO! THREE! Annoyed groans leave the lips of the fans, who can’t believe they’ve seen one of their favorites fall in defeat. The bell ring signifying the unwelcome victory, while Buffer rises off his chair to make the match ending announcement. BUFFER Your winner as a result of pinfall…MISTER DICK! Womanizer blasts back through the arena to even louder boos than it first entered with. Mister Dick celebrates this victory in the most despicable manner imaginable, dropping on all fours and lifting up his leg to simulate pissing like a dog onto his fallen foe. COLE He started 2008 a beloved and respected tag team champion and he starts 2009 peeing on a former friend. Mister Dick, everyone.

Backstage in the lavishly decorated Enterprise dressing room (I feel sorry for the dude who has to redecorate a new room every week!) Christian Wright and Lorelei DeCenzo are in the middle of a conversation with an unseen third party. WRIGHT I dare not place fate within the hands of untested carriers. And yet my choices are limited. The enforcement of the law is a thing rarely done inside the OAOAST, and if done it is rarely done well. To turn to you though… LORELEI What we’re saying is that when it comes to investigations the OAOAST is hell. Its Escape From New York Hell. Its Mad Max hell. There’s no law and no order. Few people want to see the right criminals brought to justice. WRIGHT It is why men such as Bohemoth are given free domain upon gentle sprits such as I. Why creatures of filth are emboldened to brandish weapons against angels of piety. It extracts tears from even the most brutish of knave. LORELEI For that reason, its takes a person with the strength of Herclues and skin thicker than iron to handle these lawless maniacs. You seem nice. But that’s the problem. You can’t be nice with these people. Ever. Plus, well, we know your family. I know them very well and I don’t like them. At all. I hate them in fact. That gives me pause on hiring you. But, Mister Moneymaker said to hire the best. And supposedly that’s you, Morgan Nerdly. The camera swings around to reveal Morgan Nerdly. [img=http://tvmedia.ign.com/tv/image/article/750/750843/veronica-mars-20061213101138128.jpg] LORELEI It still befuddles me how a Nerdly can be the best at anything, besides being an obnoxious nusicance. MORGAN What my sisters and brothers do, has nothing to do with me. If you’ve got a problem with them then well, its with them. Even if you can’t separate me from the others you need me. LORELEI We do? Why is that? MORGAN Because I am one heck of a private investigator. So if you really wanna know who tried to blow up Mister Moneymaker’s limo and who stole his award, then I’m your girl. Nerdly or not. WRIGHT It is a day fraught with regret and lament that the right and just have not heard a call to arms when my good leige’s vehicle was destroyed. Instead the baboons amongst us continued their tiresome prattling and shenanigans while a symbol of strength toiled in flames. How now have these fiends thieved away a man’s rightful recognition of excellence! They are fools who know not what they do! Even still ignorance of the law is no excuse and punisheded they must be. MORGAN If you mean any of what you say, you’ll put me on the job. LORELEI You’ve got some attitude about you. That’s a good thing, because the morons here are going to give you plenty of it. MORGAN I have…ways of dealing with people with attitude. LORELEI In that case, welcome to Enterprise Inspector Nerdly.

Its not much, which I apologize for, but its there! Its there damn it! Congratulations and much love for another good year in OAOAST history. and I will repost the MOTYS and entertaining segment and dick move of the year later on this weekend.

4 reasons I've now explained in TWO threads, that I was in bad shape for all the week, I haven't gotten much or any progress on my matches. So they'll be later than anything else probably, I may hold the dildo on a pole off until next week, which is national dildo day in Paraguay.

~~YOUNG LION OF THE YEAR~~ JADE RODEZ DUNCAN! JADE Oh, wow, thank you, I... I can't believe it. This is just... wow. Thank you so much! For the first time in the night, Jade cracks a genuine smile looking at the award. JADE Best Young Lion? Wow, I really wasn't expecting to win this one. I really need to thank Mom because she's the secret behind my improvement. Mom and Alix. And Leon for getting me starting too. I love you all! I may be the young lion of this year but I don't want to stop there. I want to be the very best I can be for all of you. Apparantly I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Who knew!? Anyway, yeah, thanks to everybody who's helped me become the Young Lion I... have just become. Thank you! ~~ALMIGHTY AND HOLY WRESTLER OF THE YEAR~~ drum roll plz dun dun dun dun dun no more drum roll plz KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN!! KRISTA MWAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAMWAHHAHAHAMHWAAAHAHA....Excuse me that was inappropriate. I never honestly believed I could win wrestler of the year. And now that I have I realized that I stand on the shoulders of great men like Vinny Valentine. Greats scholars like Lucius Soul. Great poets like Rico De Janerio. Great human beings like Detective Bosley. These are the men who deserve this award, not me. But seeing they got 0.000000000008% of the vote combined, I guess it goes to me! 2008 was a crazy year, I lost a girlfriend and gained one, I gained a daughter, I gained another archenemy, I won a guaranteed world title shot, and I was given support hose as a birthday gift and that makes me feel old and creeped out that someone gives panty hose as a birthday gift. I gave em to Terry for his Holiday Bonus, much more thoughtful than the 5 grand I normally dole out. So, alas, our time here is short, but as Wrestler of The Year I won't promise you that I'll take wrestling any more seriously, I'll just do what makes me great, sonning the life out of everyone else that does. Have a great 2009! Buy my fitness videos, you fat freaks of nature! Mommy and daughter hug with their awards as we fade out THANKS FOR WATCHING OAOAST.COM

Patty's note: Real rap, so I got caught up in some foul shit and was taken to the hospital on Tuesday, giving me no time to prepare the AA seeing that I just got out earlier this morning. I figured I better write my NYS matches before I do any AA stuff in terms of the OAOAST, so I improvised with these and did it like your watching highlights of a ceremony on a website. ANGLE AWARDS 2008 ~~MOST SHOCKING MOMENT OF THE YEAR~~ JADE IS KRISTA'S KID! and JOSIE BAKER RETURNS AS HeldDOWN~! GM! Despite her clear misgivings, Jade is shepherded up onto the stage by Krista to collect the award. Not sure whether to be happy or not, Jade takes the award and looks it over. It's then that she notices the sea of eyes focused on her, expecting a speech regarding possibly the worst moment of her life. No pressure! JADE Uh... hey, hi... thanks. Jade fiddles with the award awkwardly. JADE Well, this... isn't really the kind of thing I'd expect to win an award for... but, I have... so, uhm... how 'bout it? Ooh boy. You know at first I didn't really think I'd ever get over the confusion it all caused. Kinda life changing, you know? I just couldn't figure out what it all meant. Or how it happened. Infact, I'm still not sure if I understand how it happened. I mean, Leon's long-lost brother nobody ever heard about? I've heard of coincidences before, but this!? *awkward silence* JADE *AHEM!* Anyway, months on and I can now look at the positives. The positive ways it changed my life, because it helped me not to find my family, but extend it. Thank you. ~~BROMANCE OF THE YEAR~~ Reject and TK !!~~ROMANCE OF THE YEAR~~!! MISTER DICK AND MALAYSIA An instrumental version of “Love Hurts” plays, to Malaysia’s surprise. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof. MALAYSIA And why this reaction? MR. DICK Our song, big mama. Both outfitted in what can only be described as “high class bondage attire” (minus masks), MD and Malaysia engage in a sloppy make-out session…all the way to the stage! They pick up their award and resume their game of tonsil hockey, not even bothering to make a speech as they exit offstage. ~~FEUD OF THE YEAR~~ IN CROWD+KRISTA AND ANGLESAULT VS THE ENTERPRISE Enterprise CEO Theodore Moneymaker, oozing self-satisfaction, at the top of his lungs as his associates throw their hands up in celebration. As the Enterprise heads to the podium, Moneymaker stops to embrace his spiritual guide Abdullah Nerdly who gives him a kiss on both cheeks. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Last onstage Moneymaker receives the Angle and handshakes from all his Enterprise associates (because only the poor high-five). MONEYMAKER Isn’t this quite the reversal of fortune? One year ago the Enterprise shared this very award, but refused to accept because it recognized failure not achievement. Now tonight we receive this award in recognition of our great achievement, liberating the OAOAST from a tyrant’s repressive regime. Yet people constantly remind us about November Reign. To all you I say the In Crowd and Krista won the battle…BUT THE ENTERPRISE WON THE WAR. Moneymaker raises the Angle over his head. MONEYMAKER This award symbolizes that and it’s something you can’t ever take away us. Not even from my cold, dead hands! BWAHAHA! ABDULLAH Praise be! Suddenly the place goes pitch black. When the lights return Moneymaker is irate, and more importantly without his Angle Award. THE ENTERPRISE ABDULLAH MONEYMAKER Somebody lock down the place! I’ve been robbed! “GET OFF THE FUCKIN’ STAGE!” BOSLEY HOW ’BOUT I FUCK YOU UP?! MORACCA You can fuck me anytime. BOSLEY Ew, homos. MARIACHI No, homies. LOS DIABLOS DE FUEGO