Patty O'Green

OAOAST HeldDOWN is brought to you by.... Kim Jong-Il Hugo Chavez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Maya Duncan-Blanchard (D-CA) The Face of Evil Underneath this spirited 13-year-old’s cute and cuddly exterior beats the heart of a tyrannical dictator who seeks to turn California’s most prestigious academy, The Beverly Vista School, into a glorified public school. In addition to opening exclusive clubs to gays and minorities, Maya Duncan-Blanchard wants all vending machines removed from campus, wage increases for teachers at your expense, only low fat deserts served in the lunch room, sex education be taught to kindergarteners and an on-site daycare center. No one in 8th grade is over 14! The democrats may want to encourage teen pregnancy at the expense of core values, but America sure doesn't. This November its time for Joe Six Pack and the Hockey Moms of to tell their kids let’s keep Maya Duncan-Blanchard’s liberal fantasy from becoming reality. Vote Jeffery Carter Pennington IV (R-CA)for 8th Grade Class President at Beverly Vista School. Paid for by Friends of JC Pennington IV for Beverly Vista School Class President The ad fades out and we fade inside the Enterprise’s private dressing room, where the BEVERLY HILLS BLONDS have been enjoying HD in HD. NED (laughing) Goddamn, I’d sure hate to be that girl’s parents. Cute kid and all, but Moneymaker lit that bitch up! Hahahaah! SIMON Ned, that’s your daughter! NED MOLLY Shaking my head at your ignorance. There's simply no defense for that. How have you continued to survive lacking such basic intelligence and common sense? Meanwhile, over at the Duncan family dressing room, where Krista is packing up her things. KRISTA ALIX An attack ad on a child? Who could be such a meanie? Back at the Enterprise dressing room a special visitor enters. THEODORE MONEYMAKER NED You. Once again in the Duncan family dressing room. KRISTA Son of a bitch! Alix reappears with her hair up and wearing glasses. ALIX Krista, look. Maybe this will cheer you up. Sarah Palin. (glasses off) Not Sarah Palin. KRISTA ALIX Aw, shucks. I should’ve gone with the Obama costume. And back we go to the Enterprise dressing room. Theodore Moneymaker and Ned Blanchard face to face. NED What the fuck, Teddy? That’s half my DNA. That’s my daughter! MONEYMAKER Oh, since when do you care about precious Maya? Huh? Every time someone bothers to ask how she is, you have to be reminded of her very existence! If it weren't for my accounting staff, personally pulling the money out your paycheck, I honestly doubt that harpie mother of her's would ever receive a dime in child support. And where would that leave you? In Jail! SIMON Ease up, Teddy. When it comes to father's Ned has made Chris Benoit look like Ward Cleaver, I know that. But he's trying to make up for his mistakes. But, everything he did probably got shot to all hell with this crazy video. What’s your angle? You’ve been riding us hard in recent weeks. Hell, you even haven’t explained why you screwed Ned out of a win a couple of weeks ago over Baron Windels. THEODORE Contrary to your poorly chosen nickname, I’m the boss and don‘t you ever forget it. And as your boss I don’t owe you an explanation, but as good Christian I'll give you one anyway. I wanted to see how you boys reacted to adversity. Consider it a little test of your character. And I’m sorry to say you failed miserably. Two weeks later and you’re still whining about it. What disappointments you're both becoming. NED Fuck adversity, man, and fuck your little bullshit tests, bro. Bosley, who was merely sleeping on the sofa (politics ain't alpha) suddenly awakens at the sign of his boss being in danger. THEODORE Bro? Did you just call your superior bro? NED Answer the goddamn question, Teddy. What’s this attack on my kid about? THEODORE Business. Nothing but simple business, which I used to think the two of you were smart enough to understand. Do you remember when I introduced to my old buddy from the Yale rugby team, JC Pennington the third. SIMON Yeah, but we're sort of veering well off subject. If we could just steer things towards a resolution, that'd be great for all of us. THEODORE I get to the resolution at my leisure, Singleton. Just be damn glad I'm humoring your intrusion into my business. His son JC Pennington IV happens to be my godson. And as I told you before, Ned, but I'm sure it went in one ear out the other, he and your little girl are in the same class. JC just happens to be running for class president and I thought I’d help the boy out. Simon raises his eye brow in skepticism. SIMON Against Maya. The daughter of the women you routinely obsess over and harbor a twisted love for. A look of stunned innocence falls over Moneymaker's face, but does little to brush aside Simon's cynical stare. THEODORE As I said, its simple business. SIMON Riiiiiight. NED Business, huh? Well it’s personal now. At least I'm smart enough to understand the consequences of what you just did! I don't know what part of your ass your head was up when you didn't think about that. BOSLEY Hey, Blanchard, why dontcha take a hike, man, your vagina is leaking sand all over the floor. NED Why don't you get up and make me take a hike? How about that? How about you get up and you make me take a hike? BOSLEY You ain't gonna have the legs to hike after I go Rodney King on you, boy! SIMON Guys, guys, chill for a bit. Please. BOSLEY The Alpha Male Of The Group stays at a healthy 98.7 degrees body temperature! THEODORE I advise you to watch your tone with The Messiah, Blanchard. NED Knock that crap off, man. Leave the messiah junk at the front door. Its us your talking to. The least you could’ve done was consult me. I mean, Jesus Christ. Krista’s gonna think I signed on to this and want my head on a silver platter. SIMON And I can look forward to lifetime of bellow the waist paralysis just from guilt by association. THEODORE I'm not a cruel man, nor am I an unhelpful man. I have no desire to see you incur any of Krista's misplaced wrath. I’ll make you a deal, Ned. You do a me a tiny favor and I’ll ensue Krista won’t bother you. NED What kind of favor? THEODORE Get your kid to drop out of the race. NED THEODORE A big decision I know. So I’ll go ahead and let you sleep on it. BWAHAHA! Moneymaker exits as Ned is left to ponder his decision. We cut over to Mister Dick watching all of this on a television in the hallway, quite enjoying the proceedings. Standing next to him is Biff Atlas. MISTER DICK Hehehehe. What do ya think, Atlas? BIFF I'm curious where the candidates stand on putting more hall monitors in the hallways. Our halls aren't safe for our children with just one kid patrolling them. There's only so much he can do, our halls are understaffed with monitors and overran with criminals. We need to get delinquents out the hallway and into detention! And what about the over crowded detention rooms? Why didn't anyone touch on that, Mister Dick? That add said so much, but so little. Personally, I think- MISTER DICK Eh, shut up, ya moron! Why do I even talk to ya? Who told ya to stand near me, anyways? My point is, ya got the fat kid runnin' around here all horny and crap, like someone shoved a rocket up her coochie, trynna get laid, and no one's touchin that with a fifty foot poll inside a hundred foot condom. Then ya got the other kid, the smart one, she's being ran down on national TV and about to lose a damn election. Krista's kids are in trouble, ya see. Big ass trouble and that's great news for me. 'Cause they're her one and only weakness. I can take advantage of all this crap, swoop in, get a victory and be the first person to ever beat Krista one on one. Brannigan, Malibu, Maddix? None of 'em have ever done it, but Mister Dick pulls it off. I tell ya what else I'm gonna do. I'm gonna submit her. You done heard that right, boy! Submission victory over Krista Isadora Duncan. You better believe it, boy! Ain't no one able to say that is they? ! I'm gonna make history twice! Its a blessing to be Mister Dick, Atlas, curse god that ya ain't. Mister Dick pats Biff on the shoulder and walks off chuckling over his master plan. COMMERCIAL

We're in the interview lounge, the place where numerous characters to unimportant to be booked on the show steal a paycheck by playing pool, darts, and various arcade games. Speaking of stealing a paycheck, its Terry Taylor! Terry wears an OAOAST football jersey available at OAOASTShop.com to those who have given up hope of ever having a social life and will wear a wrestling shirt proudly and freely. Next to him is Krista Isadora Duncan, clad in a white polo shirt and heavily destroyed jeans. TERRY Krista, this past Sunday you faced Mister Dick at Zero Hour, available in an encore presentation for $45... KRISTA If you pay $45 for anything related to the OAOAST, just give me $15 to chop you in the throat. You'll save thirty bucks and achieve the same level of entertainment. Only fifteen dollars! We Jews may have destroyed your economy, but we're giving you great bargains! JAMIE O'HARA (from the air hockey table) I ain't know about that. Ya chop me in the chest and slam my head into the wall every Thursday before the show, and I only gotta give ya ten dollars a month. KRISTA (looking over her shoulder) You, come here, what's your name? Though not talking to anyone one in particular, when Krista calls someone comes. This time its the mighty Mariano. MARINO What's good, baby, this uh...this Mariano, see. King of New York, feel me? Monsta of Harlem, feel me? Boss of the tri state, smell me? Uh, shouts out to Marcy Projects, Plaza PJ's, the real BK, Bed-Stuy, we takin' over New York, baby! What's good? KRISTA No. You're name is Jack, weekdays you work as a dog walker, on weekends you're part of a civil war reinactment group. And you're a virgin. And you wonder why. Give me fifteen dollars. Mariano hands Krista fifteen dollars and for his generous gift, Krista chops him in the neck and he crumbles to the mat in horrible pain. TERRY You know what? Its funny when it doesn't happen to me! KRISTA (to Mariano) On a scale of one to ten how entertaining was that for you, honey? MARIANO Can't breathe KRISTA An eight? Honey, you are too generous. TERRY I don't think he said an eight. I think he said he can't breathe. KRISTA I think everyone in this room is about to be beaten within eight inches of their last breath if I don't get me a martini in two seconds. Doctor Pigley rushes a martini to Krista's hands, thus saving his life and that of his fellow lounge dwellers. TERRY At Zero Hour, you beat Mister Dick... KRISTA For the OAOAST World European Championship. TERRY No. KRISTA Yes. Its my belt I made it up. TERRY Well....I can't argue that actually. But Mister Dick has vowed revenge and demands a rematch. And, Krista, I know you're unbeatable and all, but having interviewed Mister Dick many times before, I can say he isn't right in the head. He's a deranged, evil, lunatic. And I think maybe you should be worried about him. He masturbated on Baron Windells! And one of those times was on camera, and one of those times was against Baron's will! KRISTA Terry, I don't know where you get this insanity from. Probably the same place you get the "Krista, I'm a human being, you can't lock me up in a cage and feed me kibbles and bits and make me bounce a beach ball off my nose for your wealthy friends." Damn it, Terry, I rescued you from a Caravan of Colombian sex slave traders and this is the thanks you give me? TERRY You pulled me out of my bar exam, and faked a warrant for pedophilia to do it! KRISTA Terry, if you're gonna get mad at me for every time I've lied about you being sex offender, then you're gonna have to get mad about three hundred times. Three hundred one, there was that April fool's joke with your mom. That....I forgot to say April Fool's for, and its a shame your mother died thinking her only son was excommunicated from the Catholic church for betraying the trust of the Orange County boys choir. But, my point is, you always do this. You always fear monger. You're like a republican. Only stupid. And poor. And stupid. All throughout history one of your ancestor's has fear mongered one of my ancestors. Let's take a look. TERRY Take a look at what? KRISTA I'm not sure. Molly, what's the hold up? I rescue you from a Caravan of Colombian sex slave traders and this is the thanks you give me? Molly looks up from her Mac Book Pro. MOLLY Terribly sorry! My inability to function with Final Cut in no way reflects my appreciation for rescuing me from the South American slave trade. KRISTA Do you see that, you fat faggot? Gratitude. Roll footage, Miss Molly! Roll it! TERRY Did you have to call me a fat faggot? KRISTA No, I probably didn't. But I did stitch it onto Landon Maddix's underwear, so if his JC Penny panties are ever lost people know who to return them to. Molly? The footage! CIRCA 1940 Krista, is sitting inside a quaint Jewish home in Warsaw, Poland, practicing her knitting. All of a sudden Terry Taylor (Alix in an afro and antlers and a Manny Ramirez Dodger's jersey) bursts into her home. "TERRY" Krista! Krista! The Germans are coming! They're gonna put all the Jewish people in concentration camps! And execute and torture them! I just intercepted a telegram from Adolph Hitler, ruler of socialist Germany! You've got to get out of here, they'll throw you in a concentration camp! KRISTA Hahhhaa. That's the kind of stupid I throw a brick at your head for. "TERRY" OW! PRESENT DAY KRISTA Wow, Terry, your father must've felt pretty stupid when he found out he was wrong on that one! Molly, I believe the magic of Alix' s time machine has not only returned his pterodactyl which should be feasting on ThunderKid's insides as we speak, but it also gave us another clip. The footage! CIRCA WHENEVER THEY WERE SELLING SLAVES IN AFRICA. DAMN I LOST FOR NOT KNOWING THAT. *GIVES BLACK CARD TO TONY* *HANGS HEAD IN SHAME* *KILLS SELF* Krista and Tony Tourettes (!) sit in a jungle in tribal gear, hunting down lions, until "TERRY" (Alix still in her wig, antlers, and the Dodger's jersey) comes running to them. "TERRY" Krista, Krista! The village leaders are selling people to the white man, and they say the white man is going to make us into unpaid labor on cotton fields in southern USA and we'll never be able to leave! And if we don't work they'll whip us! And if we try to escape they'll kill us! We've got to get out of here! TONY TOURETTES Fuck up out ma face, nipple lips! "TERRY" They're loading us onto boats to take to the United States of America to work for free! KRISTA That's the kind of stupid ya throw a spear at someone for! "TERRY" Ow! PRESENT DAY KRISTA Honey, I wonder, does knowing the imbecilic nature of your ancestors make you feel better or worse about your only joy in life being when I let you out your cage to play with one of the chew toys from the toybox. Molly, I believe we have another clip on deck. Footage! CIRCA BIBLICAL TIMES. Jesus Christ is sitting in his home, sipping on a Martini, and fiddling with his beard. Finally he removes the beard entirely to reveal that he's a she, and that she is Krista Isadora Duncan. Suddenly Terry (Alix still in her crazy costume) bursts into Jesus cottage "TERRY" Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Jesus! Jesus! KRISTA Yes? "TERRY" Youv'e gotta come with me! You've got to! They're saying, they're gonna crucify you on the cross! APOSTLE TONY TOURETTES FUCK UP OUT MA FACE, NIPPLE LIPS! "TERRY" You have to believe me! Judas just told me he's going to turn you in for 30 pieces of silver. KRISTA That'll never happen. Me and Judas is tighter than my mother's virgin vagina. He'd never sell me out for anything. That's kind of stupid you condemn someone's soul to an eternity of damnation for. Flames burn around Terry's body and melt him to the floor. "TERRY" Ow! The flames of hell are consuming me! Nooooooooo! PRESENT DAY KRISTA Okay, so you right about that one. But honey, in no way shape or form could you ever possibly be right about Mister Dick ever posing any sort of threat to your's truly. Now, don't let the fabulously acted, ten times more dramatic than Gossip Girl, ten times hotter than the new 90210 skits fool you into thinking I'm going all out for Mister Dick, because I just wanted to help Molly pass her comedy vignette class. But, I'd be more than happy to give Mister Dick a rematch of any sort. Because I am a charitable sort. I come from a charitable family, think of all the things my mother gave me. TERRY Grief, heartburn, manic depression, bipolar disorder? KRISTA And a great rack. Think of all the things I've given to the OAOAST's stars. I gave Landon Maddix relevance beyond being strangely lusted after by a low level Canadian David Bowie. I gave Theodore Moneymaker a reason to develop a personality beyond being a groan inducing knockoff of that fat guy with the annoying laugh. TERRY Ted Dibiase. KRISTA And I want to give back to Mister Dick. I see him on TV, two years old, pregnant, flies buzzing around his head, AIDs ridden, his home destroyed by a tsunami, the tsunami's home destroyed by a hurricane, the hurricane's time share destroyed by sickle cell. Just terrible. And I won't give him money, because I'm afraid he won't spend it on drugs. But I will give to Mister Dick. I gave him a posedown in which he was dry humped by pudgy Mexicans dressed as pink devils, oddly enough that's the first time thats ever happened to him, whereas for Christian Wright, we just call that a Saturday. I gave him a match in which the crowd exercised their creative juices to find new ways to assert he has a tiny penis. And I will now give him the most thorough, fantastic, goddess blessed ass whipping humanity has ever had the pleasure of saying "Yo, homebody got his shit fucked up!" to. And do I expect anything in return? No, but I would like a postcard thanking me perhaps. Showing how he's doing in school, how my 21 cents a month has kept him educated and away from being drafted into a Liberia army as a child soldier. TERRY What about Malaysia? KRISTA What about Malaysia, Terry? What about its motto "Bersekutu Bertambah Mutu" Unity Is Strength. What about its currency of Ringgit, and the tme Alix bought three nuclear warheads from a tribal militia leader for only three Ringgits. She left them at a TGIF in Fullerton. TERRY You barely remember who Malaysia is? KRISTA Honey, I remember calling you a fat faggot. MOLLY Should you be saying faggot? Being a lesbian and all? KRISTA To be quite honest, I don't much care for the fagmosexuals. Last week when what's his face hit his finisher on the little pink cuban guy, Todd Cortez is his name, TERRY Mariachi. KRISTA That's what I said. I was upset that I lost the match and the script called for me to act upset, but by the same token, I was like yes finally someone put these flamboyant, character assassinating Celine Dion loving jerks in their place! Honey, of course I remember who Malaysia is, I grabbed her crotch at Zero Hour, and was presently surprised that not only did she not have a penis, but my fingers did not smell of rancid chicken afterwards. That was a good day by transexual standards. Malaysia doesn't worry me at all. I hardly remember what she looks like, to be honest. I was so fearful of grabbing a handful of crunch berries when I reached down I just shut my eyes and prayed. TERRY But, she wants Jade's women's title quite a bit. Do you think Jade is safe from her? KRISTA As long as I'm her mother, not only is she safe, but any male who refuses to go out with her should strongly consider their strategies on how they're gonna get their testicles down the from the flagpole. Now, I gotta go catch a plane back to LA. TERRY The show isn't even over! KRISTA Honey, I don't watch this crap. I just come to shove the powdered donuts from the catering room in my purse. TERRY Krista, you can buy powdered donuts in LA. KRISTA Yes, I can, honey. But, here I can steal them from people who don't get paid enough to feed the children their wives have tricked them into believing actually belong to them. Not that I'm talking of any one in particular besides ThunderKid. Denial isn't just a river, TK, its a refusal to accept your kid that looks like a long lost Wayans brother, just may not be your's. In the background, Reggie Lamont looks at a picture of his son, and really starts to wonder if that bitch tricked him. Decide for yourself... LAMONT Naaaah, that's my boy! DENZEL COMMERCIAL

Brand new at OAOAST.com GREAT ANGLE BASH 2008~! on DVD! Featuring: The Entire Show, in full, available in two speeds (regular and fast forward, via your DVD remote!) Plus: Bonus Audio Commentary Track- Featuring Melody Nerdly, Josh Matthews plus special guests Show Before The Show Match: The Love Doctors vs. Los Conquistadors To Catch A Predator feat. AngleSault: The uncut version. To Catch A Predator: The Making Of- featuring Molly Nerdly and The Beverly Hills Blonds Post Match Interviews- w/V.I.C.E, "It" The Alien, Spanish Fly, Jamie O'Hara, Colombian Heat, Baron Windels and The CAE, D*LUX, Biff Atlas and Vinny Valentine, Cucaracha Internacional, Team Sommers Pre Show Interviews- w/Thunderkid and Reject, Mr. Dick The Great Angle Bash Afterparty with Maggie Nerdly and Josh Matthews from OAOAST.com Tag Titles: Team Heyross vs. Reject and Thunderkid- (HeldDOWN~!, 6/13) PRL vs. Christian Wright- (HeldDOWN~!, 6/19) Cucaracha Internacional in The Love Shack- (HeldDOWN~!, 6/26) ORDER NOW! We return from break with Maroon 5's "Makes Me Wonder" blasting out the speakers. And that song should be changed to Love Lockdown by Kanye, but who am I besides the person writing the match? The females in the arena are going wild with delight as the hottest kids under 21, D*LUX slap hands down the ramp. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of sixteen minutes now making his way to the ring from Auburn Hills, MI, he is Tremendous Tyler Bryant! And already in the ring from Santa Fe, New Mexico by way of Tijuana, Mexico he weighes in at 165 lbs, he is The Wild Chicano....UNO!! Uno raises his hands towards an indifferent audience, as Dos patrols the ring with a mysterious burlap sack in hand. COLE Tyler to start off with Uno tonight. Or is he? Uno retreats to his corner to converse with Dos. After their brief conversation Dos digs into his burlap sack and pulls out a voodoo doll! A voodoo doll of Tyler Bryant to be exact. The audience and Tyler watch with curiosity, as Dos digs pins out of his sack and jams them directly into the left arm of the doll. COLE A voodoo doll? I guess when you're on a six year losing streak, ancient 16th century magic looks like an appealing strategy to use. Far from impressed with the stupid trickery, Tyler charges across the ring with his left arm raised in a lariat! But as he nears Uno, something goes horribly wrong and his left arm falls limp to his side. More annoyed than distressed by this oddity, Tyler glares at his arm as if to say "why won't you work?". But his time to deal with his arm proves costly, as Uno takes him down with a single arm DDT. COLE Well that was... COACH The power of voodoo! COLE Entirely coincidental. Clutching his sore arm, Tyler begins scraping himself off the canvas. But his rise is hindered when Dos jams another pin into the right leg of the doll. Suddenly the teenybopper's knee goes weak, and his rise is made sluggish. This is just perfect for Uno, who blasts him with a dropkick aimed directly at his afflicted leg. COACH Still a coincidence, huh? COLE I will not, will I ever, concede that Los Conquestiadors have voodoo powers. I'd sooner concede that I find your commentary intelligent, witty, and not socially offensive. Back in the ring, Uno hooks the leg of the teen scream for a pinfall... ONE! Tyler kicks out, causing the audience to cheer, but an angered Dos to stab another pin into the neck of the doll. Bryant gags in miserey, causing worried looks to sprout up on the faces of little girls across the arena. Their fear isn't eased any when the vile luchadore begins choking their adorable crush! "Hey, come on, ref!" Shayne screams from the outside. Annoyed with Brave's meddling, Dos points a menacing finger at him, warning him of possible pain to come. Finally Uno lets Tyler go free, and although weak and weary, the boyband cutie manages to haul himself upright. He pops the sold out crowd by firing punch after punch into the noggin of Uno. However, his offense is cut short when Dos places a pin inside both his hands. Taken over by severe agony Tyler recoils, staggering backwards until he's dropped by a rolling lariat from the baddest hombre south of the border. Uno follows that up with leaping leg drop into a pin... ONE! TWO! But Tyler kicks out, denying Los Conquestiadors a much needed win. COACH (reading off a laptop) Caplatas are evil sorcerers that perform black magic to kill people or put fatal illnesses on their enemies. A common practice is the ritual of sticking needles through dolls... COLE Uno and Dos are not evil sorcerers. They can barely learn English, how are they supposed to learn the Hatatian voodoo arts? "AY-YA-CHAKA! AY-YA-CHAKA! AY-YA-CHAKA!" Uno and Dos chant in erry unison as the former awaits Tyler's rise. The former six man champion does stand, but its a slow, unsteady stand, almost as though he were a zombie being controlled by some malcontent force. As they continue to chant, and Tyler continues to stand seemingly against his will, Dos raises his final and longest pin hight into the air. With his chant growing ever louder he drives the pin right into Tyler's heart and the boybander collapses as though he were hit with a bullet. COACH Black magic to kill people or put fatal illnesses on their enemies. I ain't sayin homeboys is bout to get their own wing at the New Oreleans Voodoo Museum but I ain't cuttin infront of them at the buffet line no more. I try to get some Macaroni Salad and I get bugs crawling out my anus! Uno tries for a pinfall ONE! TWO! Somehow Tyler overcomes the voodoo magic to kick out! The girls in the audience are ecstatic and begin chanting his name. "TYLER! TYLER! TYLER!" Dos will not let their goodwill corrupt his partner's chance for victory and scours his bag for another pin to use on the voodoo doll. His eyes widen in their slits as he comes up with one. He prepares to drive it through the groin of the doll, which makes no female in attendance happy. Thankfully their fantasies are preserved, as Shayne cuts him down with a lariat! "YEAAAAAAAAA!" Dos stands up, eyes darting for his voodoo doll. Perhaps his eyes should've been focused on Brave, as Showtime nearly takes his head off with a running knee strike! "SHAYNE! SHAYNE! SHAYNE!" COLE Voodoo, boodoo, nothing tops a good old knee to the face! Furiously vexed by Brave's desecration of their sacred rituals, Uno starts to reach over the ring to grab at the teenage hottie. Yet, Brave is rescued by his partner, who drives his forearms deep into his back. Uno turns around to fight back, but is flipped over by an arm drag! He stands back up and is arm dragged again! And again! And again! And again! No wait the last one was a hip toss. COACH Get that doll, Dos! Easier said than done, as Shayne has decided it best to step on Dos' hands to prevent him from reaching his team's source of power. Back in the ring, Uno bounces off the ropes with a lariat. Tyler rolls beneath the blow, and Uno is left to travel towards the other side of the ring. As he bounces back, Tyler strikes him with the Merry Tyler Gore Show jackknife pin! The referee counts the resulting fall... CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! CROWD THREE!! The fans are on their feet in celebration for what was a shockingly hard fought victory. Tyler can only fall over and clutch his sore body parts, as Shyane rushes to the ring to attend his myriad of injuries. BUFFER Your winner....TYLER BRYANT! COLE Hmmmm...wow. That's the closest Los Conquestiadors have ever gotten to victory on any level. COACH The power of black magic. The power of black magic, baby! COLE That's an insane assertion. There is no such thing as magic. Voodoo is not real, it doesn't exist. What are we in 17th century West Africa? COMMERCIAL

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Backstage, JOSH~! joins us, flanked by four of the top talents in the OAOAST today. Zack Malibu, Leon Rodez, Sly Sommers and Bohemoth, collectively known as The In Crowd, flank the famed interviewer. JOSH Ladies and gentlemen, here with me at this time are The In Crowd. Guys, I think it's safe to say that it's been an interesting week in your lives. Bohemoth went through a war this past Sunday night, Sly's been temporarily put on the shelf, Reject is doing his best to crack Leon, and Zack, you had to deal with the shocking return of a key person from your past, that being your former girlfriend and the valet of the original In Crowd, Alison. MALIBU Josh, saying that it's been a rough week is putting it lightly. Last week, no thanks in part to Theodore Moneymaker and his hired help, Sly Sommers suffered a knee injury that's going to put him on the shelf for a little bit. Now, Sly's still here, he's not going to sit at home and cry about this. In fact, we had to force him to use these crutches, and the only reason he did so is because he's looking to break one across Bosley or Moneymaker's head! Bohemoth...well, the big man came through once again this past Sunday night, showing why he's a driving force in the OAOAST. If anyone knows what he can do in that ring, it's me. I've kicked ass with him and had my ass kicked by him, and I think it goes without saying I'd take the former over the latter! Leon...Leon's got some issues that are going to be resolved tonight, because he's going to be isolated in that ring with nowhere to go except head on, straight at Reject, and make him pay for his action. So let me see, I covered Bo, covered Sly, covered Leon...OH! I guess that leaves me. JOSH And Alison. MALIBU Thanks for the reminder, Josh. See, honestly...I don't have anything bad to say about Alison. Actually, let's back that up. I DIDN'T have anything bad to say about Alison until this past Sunday night. I know Moneymaker's game. If anyone has been using his pull...or in his case, his wallet, to get ahead around the OAOAST, it's that guy. All he's doing is trying to defer the blame, trying to transfer his own guilt onto ME, and try to make me feel like I've wronged the people in this locker room. He's trying to make me feel like I've wronged the fans. The thing is, Teddy, is that being popular, being respected, and being a saint are entirely different things. I know what I've done in the past, I don't need to be reminded of it. Bringing Alison out, well, honestly, it wouldn't have mattered...at least not until she opened her mouth. It's obvious she's coming here ready to spew hellfire, feeling neglected and dejected. Truth is, SHE walked out on ME five years ago, and I was the one left hanging. So what did I do? I focused on my career, I got over it, and realized that if she was someone who truly loved me, she would have stood by me. Instead, I found the love of my life in this very company. I found a woman who was willing to stand by me. A woman who, bless her heart, has gone through HELL simply because she's my significant other. And together, we had the most beautiful baby in the world. A baby that I love more than anything...that I will go to any length to protect. So Moneymaker brings out Alison, and then the focus is put not only on me, but on my family. Well, Moneymaker and Alison, you can say whatever you want. You can believe what you will. Just be warned that you're walking a very fine line right now. Things are getting a little too personal, and when that happens, you just might get your wish. You just might see the Zack Malibu that you're painting me to be. Ruthless. Cold. Calculating. I can be that guy again if you want. So keep pushing. Keep coming at me, keep crossing the line. I dare you. I BEG YOU, Moneymaker, to step into my world and see what it's like to have to earn your spot. Only thing is, the spot you've earned is an eternity in your own personal hell. Because when I humble you, Teddy, no money can cover it up. When that money runs out, your friends will vanish, because you don't have friends like I do, Teddy. My friends right here...they RESPECT me. You think Wright, or Bosley RESPECT you? Maybe they do, as long as you keep the checks coming...but when the accounts are drained and you're down to your last dollar, reality is going to slap you in the face and you're going to spend the rest of your life cold, broke, and ALONE. Call me a fraud? Hey, it's simply my opinion. But until you set foot in that ring with me, until you're ready to back up these claims with proof other than the actions of a misguided man in years past, calling you a coward is a FACT. Zack turns and gives Josh a quick glare, as Matthews backs up, looking slightly intimidated by his friends words. Zack, Leon and Sly start to walk off, while Bo gives Josh a playful pat on the back, starting the interviewer, as we cut to commercial.

Via the magic of hidden cameras which may or may not legally be installed into every locker room, we find ourselves in the luxurious surroundings of the Duncan family locker room. Laid out across a coffee coloured leather sofa is Krista, fanning herself with a copy of Vogue magazine. Across the room sits Alix Maria Spezia, fanning herself with a copy of Teen Vogue magazine, for the woman who doesn't think it desperate to want to look 20 years younger. Curiously her hair is up in cute little pigtails. Coincidence? Probably not. And stepping into the room is the OAOAST Women's Champion, Jade Rodez-Duncan, who wonders why it's so hot in the room that everybody is busy fanning themselves. Cut to an OPEN FIREPLACE at the back of the room and a pile of letters handily labelled 'FANMAIL - OBSESSIVE' presumably helping it to burn. Jade puts the heat aside as she slowly approaches her mother, sitting on the glass coffee table next to her and biting her lip as Krista barely opens one eye wondering who's there. JADE Mom, can we talk? You know, about... boys? KRISTA Oh honey we've been over this like a hundred times. Mommy doesn't like boys. Mommy likes other mommies. JADE (slightly annoyed) I'm not a child. KRISTA So why didn't you understand all those diagrams I drew? Clearly the mention of those diagrams stirs up images that Jade would rather forget as she stares off into the distance for a couple of seconds, before very noticeably shaking it off. We can only imagine. JADE I'm being serious, I need your advice. KRISTA Oh very well then. *sits up* What's on your mind sweetie? JADE Well, there's this guy I kinda like... KRISTA Then bag him. We'll invite him over for dinner. At our house, where all of my potential murder weapons are detailed and catalogued. Worst comes to worst, I'll bag him. Body bag. Hey, that was quite good. I ought to write that one down and use it when there's a live audience in front of me. Alix, get me a pen and some paper. And throw the 'Terry Taylor' pile on the fire while you're up. JADE It's not that simple. I dunno... guys just don't seem to go for me. I absolutely can't just go up to someone and ask them out. It doesn't work for me. ALIX Oh no? Alix takes a step to the left and opens the door, to reveal MARV of The Christ Air Express. ALIX Hey, would you like to sleep with my soon to be fiancée's eldest daugher? MARV Would I!? *SLAM!* ALIX See, that simple. JADE Uh, Mom, why was MARV standing outside our door like that? KRISTA Only one way to find out. Krista opens the door, MARV still stood right there ready. KRISTA Hey, why are you standing outside my door? MARV I love y-- *SLAM!* KRISTA Go figure. Shaking her head, Krista slumps back into her seat and ruffles her hair. KRISTA You know what your problem is Jade? Confidence! And not just with this, I'm talking everything. Wrestling, acting, making anonymous phone calls to celebrities who don't fall for my voice-altering techniques anymore, all of it! The whole shaboodle! Just remember one simple truth, nobody cares what you're doing, what you're saying and if you have a valid arguement or point to make or not, so long as you LOOK like it's worth watching or listening to. Especially men. You just have to be confident. Like me! JADE That's easy for you to say though. You're one of America's hottest pin-ups. KRISTA True. And you're my daughter. Look at you. Nice hair, bits in all the right places... admittedly some places more than others, but nobody's perfect. Come on. You're a cutiepie. ALIX Yeah, a big'ole slice of cutiepie! Mmm-mmm. Extra helpings go down good! Jade's eyes widen as she watches Alix mime eating from a rather large fork and rubbing her stomach with satisfaction. ALIX Oh... uh... I mean, some people like the huskier woman. Not that you're husky, of course, I was talking about your Mom... or, rather, I wasn't, at least not until we're legally married and she can't leave me for such a comment. Look, don't take my word for it, I've still got horrible weight issues from my teenage years, you can't take my opinion at face value. I voted for Bush, don't listen to anything I say! KRISTA She doesn't mean it sweetie, really. ALIX You're totally killer hot Jade! JADE You think so? ALIX Yeah-yeah-yeahs! I mean, if you weren't my future wife's daughter I'd totally be comfortable having my dirty way with you. ....... ALIX What? Too weird? KRISTA I never thought I'd see the day where that could become applicable to anything you do, but yes, honey, you managed it. ALIX Well, shucks, I was just trying to make her feel better about being Little Miss Never Been Kissed. JADE Wha... what makes you think I've never had a boyfriend!? KRISTA Oh honey save the explanation until after you get a lock for your diary. It's not neccessary. Really. Plus, I'm your mother, so I don't appreciate you lying to me, unless it's really important. As Jade rapidly begins to regret even bothering coming to her Hollywood mother and her neurotic girlfriend for help (and who'd have thought that'd be a bad idea, really?), Krista places a re-assuring hand on her knee. KRISTA When you first came to my house... well, I mean, first time as my daughter... you were so scared I didn't dare sneeze for fear of you leaping into the pool. But you got Maya to like you, without spending a dime. You beat Malaysia to win that gaudy looking belt. What more proof do you need? The world revolves around one thing, confidence. With that you can do anything. You go up to any guy in the world and ask them out and so long as you're confident and you drop in some sort of reminder that you're my daughter and entitled to my fortune when alcohol eventually claims me, they'd be a fool to turn you down! Trust me. JADE Thanks Mom. I'm gonna go get changed somewhere more private. As Jade goes to leave, Krista suddenly springs up. KRISTA OR, you can forget the whole 'men' thing and we'll hook you up with that nice Latino girl Mr and Mrs Weinstein from down the road adopted. She's almost 17 now I think. JADE Thanks Mom. After rare insistence, sarcastic insistence at that, Jade leaves and Krista goes back to fanning herself. ALIX So, when she comes back in tears are you gonna deal with her? Coz she'll probably still be mad at me about the 'husky' gag. And we fade out on Krista fanning herself and sighing at Alix's insensitivity to fat people. COMMERCIAL

Of course because its after a PPV the show is automatically pushed to friday no matter what. This is the way of the old country.

Show is up! Now, considering that no one expects the show be up on Sunday, I say its up on time. That was a very well piece of work by everyone. I'll have more later.

Non fiction dialogue right here, I hate this shit. That shit is crazy difficult to take off. Everytime I try to take that shit off just a small piece breaks off. So now I have a piece of that tape on my finger and I get it off but then it sticks on to my other hand, and I do the same thing for like three damn minutes. It's like these fukkin labels use Krazy glue to seal the CD. Pissant motherfuckers. Record labels need to pay me back the time I used to steal the CD just for the work I did on trying to open the case. Who's cosigning this powerful post?

Son, Otis Nixon played for the dodgers in 97 there just wasn't a good enough pic on google. Yo, once dodger blue, always dodger blue, especially cause I got his autograph and later traded it to some suck ass at school for a PS1. ebay estimates that card worth a whopping $1.07 today. And three months later I jacked that card out his backpack. I'm gonna get my $1.07. Patty stays shitting on dudes. Literally and figuratively!

For the true old heads, do ya'll remember how for PPV's all our segments and matches and shit had to be turned in like three days before the PPV? Anybody remember that? There was no show being pushed back there, there was no edit something in later, your shit was in or yo shit wasn't, smell me? Dudes was militant on that. This way back in the day during the early stages of the brand extension. I ain't sayin bring it back or nothin. That's old school, and I don't play that. I don't play school, I buck my tool on many fools, cop me some icy jewels. Tony you and Popick were posting the shows back then, explain ya self, son!

yo, I didn't just quote what I thought I quoted! Fuck what ya heard, shit is about to get Otis Nixon ugly swear to a crip word to to a blood. First off, fuck your bitch And the click you claim West side when we ride Come equipped with game You claim to be a player But I fucked your wife We bust on East Coast niggas they fucked for Life

in a few seconds consider it edited in I mean

consider it edited in

* DUN DUN DUN DUNNA, DUN DUN DUNNA * MELODY (V.O.) The Internet...the final frontier TONY TOURETTES (V.O) OF MY LEFT NUT! We see an indoor setting that looks remarkably like the starship enterprise from Star Trek The Next Generation. Obviously its not the enterprise. That would be copyright infringement. We don't fucks with that. At the comm (the front pilot part of the ship) Denzel Spencer and Doctor Anderson sit. In the rear science stations Tony Tourettes, Mariachi and Jumbo work on god knows what. MEL is stationed at the main tactical control center, while MARV sits next in the commander's seat next to Captain Melody Nerdly. MELODY These are the voyages of the Starship OAOAST, her continuing mission to recruit strange foul mouth crack heads, seek out new ways to skirt the United States drug laws, and to boldly go where no man has gone before TOURETTES DEEP INSIDE JOSH MATTHEW'S ANUS! MARIACHI I have been there! MELODY To boldly go where only Mariachi has gone before... JUMBO Um, I've been there also. MELODY To boldly go where only Mariachi and Jumbo have gone before... MARV Yeah, I've surfed Josh's hershey highway also. MELODY DOCTOR ANDERSON Captain Melody, we're receiving an incoming transmission from Rigel 7 MELODY Patch it through, Doctor. DOCTOR ANDERSON Damn it, Melody! I'm a Doctor not a comm officer! MELODY But, you're sitting at the comm desk. DOCTOR ANDERSON Damn it, Melody! I'm a Doctor not a comm officer! MELODY And you just told me we had a transmission, and you're at the comm station, so I don't know what you expect me to do here....you just press a button and it will come through. That's it. Nice and easy. DOCTOR ANDERSON The purple button? MELODY No the purple one is the irreversible self destruct button. The violet one is the talk one. Now, let us hear what the intelligent life of the vast expanse of space has to say! MARV Things Rick Astley will never do: give you up, let you down, run around, desert you, make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, and hurt you. MELODY You think that's funny do you? Go on laugh it up! Laugh it up all you want! I don't remember anyone trying to rick roll me after the borg captured you all and I saved every last one of you from a future of eternal cybernetic slavery! Were you rick rolling me when the food replicator in ten forward broke down and I made you all pancakes with blueberry syrup. You captain demands respect, and she will get it! DENZEL SEPNCER Captain, I'm picking up an odd object in sector of 8 of the gamma quadrant. MEL Yo, my bro, aren't you Jamaican? SPENCER And so what? Why must I be typecast to speak in "mon" and "rasta". I wish to sing the opreas of Cherubini! Read the works of Thoureau! Study the same stars as Gallello! Sail the same oceans as Columbus! Why will you not let me live? Why do you deny me this one aspiration! MEL Dude. SPENCER Mon? MEL That's all I wanted, bro. JUMBO The transmission, captain? MELODY What could it be? A monkey picking its BUTT, smelling it and then falling off a tree? A whale exploding on a beach? A woman yelling to leave Britney alone? LOL25THCENTURY keep up with the times, astronoobs. On screen! CREW !!!! MELODY Its...its...its...hideous! DOCTOR ANDERSON Its....its...its.... MOLLY Whoops, editing error! My dearest apologies! MOLLY Its Zero Hour! We're taken into the arena where the gigantic whimsical arcade set flashes and blinks with wonderful colors and lights almost if the entire arena was covered with this insane saccharine hue. Sitting removed from the chaotic illumination at the safety of Sofa Central is Double C. They've forgone their usual orange polo shirts for a suit and tie look for the PPV extravaganza, as Sofa Central has received a minor makeover with a Zero Hour banner in front of the announce desk and miniature arcade machines next to it. COLE Welcome to Zero Hour! This could very well be the biggest night in OAOAST history! COACH You always say that. You ain't nothing but a ho ass shill. They already paid their $45, let's be up front and honest. If this show was pussy, niggas'd be catchin the clap! COLE You're a jerk. COACH Bitch. COLE Moron. COACH Federalist. COLE Whig. COACH Libertarian. COLE Populist. COACH Excise tax of 1971! COLE Alien and Sedition Act! COACH Louisiana Purchase! 45 MINUTES LATER COLE Grover Cleveland! COACH Calvin Cooledige! COLE Chester A.Arthur! COACH Rutherford B.Hayes! COLE Martin Van Buren! COACH James Monroe! COLE On with the show!

ZERO HOUR 2008 A OAOAST Entertainment Production DIRECTED BY Patricia O'Green WRITTEN BY Alfdogg King Cucaracha Anthony149 Dr. Zoidberg MD Patricia O'Green Zachary Malibu Edward Wood Caulfield GRAPHICS Patricia O'Green OAOAST CREATED BY cobainwasmurdered Anthony149 Anglesault © 2008 OAOAST Entertainment All Rights Reserved.

COLE And it's time for our main event of the evening! Alfdogg looking to join Zack Malibu as the only three-time OAOAST World champions in history! Let's take a look at what has led up to this match! The OAOAST Zero Hour logo flashes across the screen. Cut to a black screen. The number 5 appears on it. Cut to OAOAST AngleSlam 2008 on August 31, 2008. Cut to the ending of Tha Puerto Rican/Brickston 60-Minute Iron Man Match for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship. This is shown in a green tint. The camera cuts to a black screen. 4 Cut to Alfdogg from the September 4, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. The camera cuts to a black screen. 3 Cut to the September 11, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. Cut to the ending of The Badd Boyz/Alfdogg & Sandman9000 match. The camera cuts to a black screen. 2 Cut to the September 18, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. The camera cuts to a black screen. 1 Cut to the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. Cut to the Alfdogg All-American Victory Bash. This is shown in a gold tint. The music has changed to another dramatic classical song. The music changes again to high impact, fast paced, hard hitting classical music. We see a montage of moments from Tha Puerto Rican/Alfdogg feud as Alfdogg speaks from the September 4, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. ALF Now...let me tell you something PRL. You can't duck me anymore! This is MY ticket, this match is MY choice! So now...at Zero Hour...you have no choice but to come out of your hiding place, and step into the ring with Alfdogg! Cut to Tha Puerto Rican speaking from the September 11, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. THA PUERTO RICAN Alfdogg, I welcome the challenge! You see, Alfdogg, I haven't been ducking you. I haven't been trying to avoid another one-on-one meeting between the two of us. It's just simply that you haven't asked for a shot! Oh sure, you've been making idle threats since April. But that's all they were. Idle threats. If you were a real man, you would have come up to me and said, 'P.R., I want a shot at the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship!' You wanted a shot? You would have gotten it! But no. Instead, you attacked me at my most vulnerable and NEARLY got away with it if it weren't for the fact that I am just SOOOOOO much better than you, Alfdogg! Cut to Alfdogg speaking from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. ALF You have sunk the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship! You have made it irrelevant! You have dragged down the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship down to your sad, pathetic level! But when I win back the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship this Sunday, *I* will make it relevant again! *I* will make it MEAN something again! *I* will make it the center of attention! *I* will main event pay-per-views and HeldDOWN~!'s AND house shows! The reason people work their asses off in this company! The reason people watch our shows! EVERYTHING you did to destroy the honor, the integrity, and the PRESTIGE of the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship, I will GIVE BACK! Cut to Tha Puerto Rican speaking on OAOAST.com's Byte Me from September 23, 2008. THA PUERTO RICAN I fear no man! Alfdogg is not gonna unseat me at Zero Hour! Oh no! Tha Puerto Rican will reign supreme once again, and that's the truth, Ruth! Cut to Alfdogg speaking from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. As he speaks, we see clips from past PRL/Alfdogg matches. ALF P.R., it is time to face facts. As you look ahead to this Sunday, you realize that you are way over your head. You have never gone face-to-face with me and beaten me. You are 0 and FOUR against me. Check the record books, P.R. You know that this is true. I have taken a belt away from you before, and this Sunday, when I improve my record to FIVE and ZERO against you, I will take another belt. And then, this farce of a Title reign can finally end! Cut to Tha Puerto Rican speaking from the September 11, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. As he speaks, more clips from past PRL/Alfdogg matches are shown. THA PUERTO RICAN yes, you have beaten me before. But Tha Puerto Rican you beat for the OAOAST Puerto Rican Championship is NOT, I repeat, NOT the same PRL that will step into the ring with you tonight AND at Zero Hour! This is a focused Puerto Rican, a determined Puerto Rican, and a Puerto Rican who stands before you today the MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING AND YOUR ONE AND ONLY ANGLESAULT THREAD WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Cut to Alfdogg speaking from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. As he speaks more clips from the PRL-Alfdogg feud are shown. ALF You are a transitional Champion, P.R. A Champion only meant to keep the belt warm for someone who is actually WORTHY of it! You are the Ronnie Garvin of the One And Only AngleSault Thread, P.R.! You are a paper Champion! (CLIP) And this Sunday night, September 28th, 2008, think of it as our Election Day, and think of this Sunday night, September 28th, 2008, as the day that Tha Puerto Rican is IMPEACHED, and I am sworn in as the NEW UNDISPUTED One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Champion! And on that day, I PROMISE YOU, that change WILL occur. Change for the better. Change that will affect the One And Only AngleSault Thread for a long time to come! The sun WILL rise again! Honor and integrity and prestige will be restored back to the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship. And the One And Only AngleSault Thread will become a better place for you, for me, and for everybody who works here from the wrestlers all the way down to the ring rats. It CAN happen. And it WILL happen. Cut to Tha Puerto Rican speaking from the September 11, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. As he speaks more clips from the PRL-Alfdogg feud are shown. THA PUERTO RICAN Alf, don't let the past make you think that you have a bright future ahead of you! I see only storm clouds on the horizon, and come September 28th, the lightning will strike. And this time, it WILL hit you! Alfdogg, you are about to suffer a P.R. Nightmare. Again. Cut to Alfdogg posing with the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt and the OAOAST United States Championship belt from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. Cut to Tha Puerto Rican staring at Alfdogg IN ANGER~! from the entrance stage from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. Cut to a close-up of Alfdogg staring at Tha Puerto Rican from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. Cut to a close-up of Tha Puerto Rican staring at Alfdogg from the September 25, 2008 edition of OAOAST HeldDOWN~!. The high impact, fast paced, hard hitting classical music ends. The camera cuts to a black screen. 0 The following words appear on screen in the style of the 24 opening. There is silence. HAVE WE HIT THE ZERO HOUR OF THA PUERTO RICAN'S OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP REIGN? FADE TO BLACK The OAOAST Zero Hour 2008 logo flashes across the screen. The camera cuts to the entryway, as Magnum Opus hits, and the lights go out. VENTURA Here we go! The lights come on, and Alfdogg walks through the curtains with the US title over his shoulder, to the boos of the crowd. COLE And here comes Alf, looking for his fourth World championship, a third OAOAST championship to go with his WDW World title reign! Alf banters with some fans on his way to the ring, then climbs inside and does is pose, as the wall of pyro goes on behind him. He then backs into a corner and hands the US title belt to the timekeeper, then looks down the aisle. "THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP..." *DUN DUN* "...IS..." *DUN* "...HERE!" With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and "Know Your Role 2000" begins playing, with the crowd standing up and cheering loudly. The lights go down in the arena. PR is heard saying, "THE CHAMP IS HERE!" in tune with the beat of the song, while smoke fills the entryway and spotlights circle around and around the arena. A few seconds elapsed, and then Tha Puerto Rican quickly saunters out through the smoke and power walks to the ring, not stopping at all, and keeping his eyes focused on the ring. COLE The champ is here! VENTURA For now, Cole! Tonight is Alf's night, I'm telling you! The crowd cheers louder than before. Tha Puerto Rican stops at ringside to slap hands with the fans before power walking around the ringside area. Tha Puerto Rican gets on the ring apron and gives the fans The People's Eyebrow. Tha Puerto Rican enters the ring. He spins around; soaking in the fans' cheers while "Know Your Role 2000" continues playing over the P.A. system. Tha Puerto Rican does the HBK muscle pose while pyro goes off behind him. The crowd is still cheering loudly. PRL heads to a second turnbuckle and raises his hands. He then heads to another second turnbuckle and raises his hands again. PR then hits a third second turnbuckle and raises his right fist into the air while he “smells the electricity” as a single spotlight shines on him ala The Rock. PRL does the same Rock pose on the fourth second turnbuckle, receiving cheers. He then jumps down and stands in the corner. *DING DING DING* BUFFER LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen...this is our MAIN EVENT of the evening...for the Heavyweight championship of the WORLD! *crowd cheers* BUFFER Introducing first, standing in the corner to my left. He hails from Anderson, Indiana, and weighs in at 236 1/2 pounds. This man is truly a legend of our sport, and tonight, he looks to climb back to the top of the mountain, and cement his Deadly Alliance as the most powerful force in the OAOAST. Ladies and gentlemen, the challenger...the REIGNING OAOAST United States champion...the leader of the Deadly Alliance...and a former three-time heavyweight champion of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGG!!!!! The crowd boos, as Alf raises his hands and turns to the crowd. BUFFER And ladies and gentlemen, his opponent, standing in the corner to my right. He hails from San Juan, Puerto Rico and weighs in at 220 pounds! A win tonight would be a huge boost to a legacy rapidly being built by this man, looking to gain revenge for his friend, Colombian Heat, and looking to avenge a pinfall loss in a tag team match two and a half weeks ago. Ladies and gentlemen...introducing one-half of the Badd Boyz...the REIGNING and DEFENDING OAOAST Heavyweight champion of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PUERRRRRRRRRRRRRRTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! PRL climbs back into his corner, and raises his hands again, as the crowd cheers loudly. BUFFER The introductions are through...now it's time for our main event. ARE YOU READY? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Cleveland, Ohio...ARRRRRRRRRRE YYYYYYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Then for the thousands in attendance here in Cleveland...and the millions and millions watching around the world...there's only one thing left to say. Ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! The referee calls for the bell. *DING DING DING* COLE And here we go. PRL and Alf slowly walk to the center of the ring, and stare down, showered by flashbulbs. After a brief trash-talking session, Alf drives a knee into the gut. COLE Alf striking first, and backing PRL into the ropes! Alf slugs PRL against the ropes, then whips him across. However, PRL slides under the legs of Alf, then hits him with a dropkick! PRL backs Alf into a corner, and slugs away at him, then whips him across, following him in with a Stinger Splash! COLE But PRL answers with authority! PRL follows up with a Russian Legsweep! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! PRL backs Alf into another corner, and then climbs on the middle rope, and punches away as the crowd counts along! 1!!! 2!!! 3!!! 4!!! 5!!! 6!!! 7!!! 8!!! 9!!! 10!!! PRL jumps down, then backs Alf into the ropes. He backs across the ring, and charges Alf, but Alf delivers a HIGH backdrop all the way to the floor! VENTURA Yeah! COLE PRL all the way to the outside, a big fall for the champ! Alf catches his breath in the ring, then follows him outside, and delivers a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Alf then lifts PRL up in a bearhug, then rams him into the ring apron, before rolling back inside. Alf lets PRL roll back inside, and stomps away, before picking him up, setting him up in the corner, and delivering a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! And another! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! COLE Alf really going to work with those chops, maybe the best chops in the business! Alf brings PRL out of the corner, and executes a snap suplex! He follows up with a snap legdrop! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Alf stomps PRL several times! Alf applies a headlock on Tha Puerto Rican! COLE Alfdogg now slowing down the match with a headlock! Alf cinches the hold tight. Referee Earl Hebner checks on PRL. COLE Alfdogg in control, looking to become a three-time OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion here tonight! VENTURA And he will get it done! I can feel it! Alf has PRL on the mat with the headlock. PRL pulls on Alfdogg's hair, but Earl Hebner stops him from doing so. ALFDOGG IT'S ALL OVER, P.R.! IT'S ALL OVER! COLE Have we hit the Zero Hour of Tha Puerto Rican's OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship reign? JESSE Yes. PRL slowly stands up, still trapped in the headlock. But the headlock ends soon as P.R. turns the headlock into a wristlock! But Alf grabs Tha Puerto Rican by his Puerto Rican flag bandana and slams him back onto the mat! Alf goes back to the headlock! COLE Oh come on! VENTURA Doing what he has to do to win, Schiavone! I mean, Cole! Alf cinches the headlock on tight. Tha Puerto Rican struggles just to move his arms while trapped in the dreaded headlock. Earl Hebner checks on PRL. The referee lifts PRL's left arm into the air. It stays up. So Alf cinches the hold even tighter, and PR's arm falls to the mat! VENTURA He is on fire! He is white hot! This man is hot! COLE Tha Puerto Rican is indeed. I agree with you. VENTURA You bet...NO! I'm talking about Alfdogg! Don't you ever pay attention to me!? COLE I drift in and out. Tha Puerto Rican slowly sits up on the mat, still in the headlock. PRL starts to stand up, with Alfdogg refusing to let go of the headlock. The crowd starts clapping in unison, trying to get Tha Puerto Rican back into the match! Earl Hebner checks on Tha Puerto Rican again. PRL keeps trying to get back to his feet, but Alfdogg cinches the hold, bringing PRL back to his knees! Eventually, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion is able to get to a vertical base while still trapped in the headlock. PRL elbows Alfdogg in the gut! He then elbows Alf in the gut again! A third one finally breaks the headlock. Tha Puerto Rican quickly rushes towards the ropes and bounces off of them, building speed--but gets hit right in the face with an Alfdogg dropkick! COLE And just as quickly as he lost control, Alfdogg has regained it! VENTURA Alfdogg showing he is one step ahead of Tha Puerto Rican right there! P.R. clutches his face while Alfdogg recovers on the mat. Alf quickly rushes over and covers PRL, hooking both legs. ONE! TWO! THRE--KICK OUT!!! COLE Only two for Alfdogg! Alf glares at the referee, but Earl Hebner asserts that it was only a two count. Alf sneers at PR, and then picks him up. Backbreaker! Cover! It gets a two count! Alf gets up and starts stomping PRL. Alf picks Tha Puerto Rican up and whips him into a turnbuckle corner. Alfdogg charges forward, but Tha Puerto Rican kicks him in the face! Alf stumbles, so PRL charges forward and grabs Alf by the head, giving him a Bulldog onto the mat! COLE Alfdogg ran right into that one! VENTURA He’ll recover! He always does! PRL takes a moment to catch his breath, and then gets up. He picks Alfdogg up by his hair. Tha Puerto Rican gives Alfdogg a bodyslam! Immediately the crowd stands up and cheers. COLE That's the signal! It could be time! Tha Puerto Rican smiles and nods his head as he exits the ring. Tha Puerto Rican takes a deep breath, and then climbs the top rope. Alfdogg lies on the mat breathing hard. Tha Puerto Rican is hunched over on the top rope. The crowd buzzes in anticipation. COLE Tha Puerto Rican is ready for one of his trademark moves! VENTURA Come on! Come on! Get out of the way, Alfdogg! Tha Puerto Rican looks at the crowd and smiles again. He stands up, looks down at Alfdogg, and then takes another deep breath. Tha Puerto Rican leaps off of the top rope, does the "Up yours!" hand gesture in mid-air...and then hits Alfdogg in the chest with The People's Elbow Drop to a loud pop from the fans! COLE The People's Elbow Drop! Vintage PRL! Is this it!? Tha Puerto Rican covers Alfdogg. 1! 2! RIGHT SHOULDER UP!!! COLE Close fall for the World Heavyweight Champion! VENTURA Thank God! PRL mutters, "Damn!" under his breath. He rests for a bit as Alfdogg lies on the mat. P.R. then gets up. He nails Alfdogg with some shaky leg kicks! VENTURA Come on Alfdogg! PRL picks Alfdogg up. He lays into him with some Rock-style punches to the temple! Puerto then grabs Alfdogg by his left hand, and then gives him an Irish whip into the ropes. PRL goes for a clothesline, Alfdogg ducks the clothesline, bounces off of the ropes and charges forward hitting Tha Puerto Rican with a flying back elbow! The crowd boos! VENTURA Yes! That a boy, Alfdogg! COLE And Alfdogg strikes big with a flying back elbow to Tha Puerto Rican! Alfdogg quickly covers PRL, hooking his right leg. 1... 2... 3--KICK OUT!!! VENTURA I thought that was it! He almost had him! ALMOST had him! COLE Tha Puerto Rican kicked out! He was quite possibly a half a second away from losing the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship! VENTURA That was luck right there, Cole! Luck, plain and simple! But PRL's luck is about to run out! Alf picks up PRL and punches him in the face several times! The punches take PRL into a turnbuckle corner. Alfdogg hits PRL in the face with the point of his right elbow! He punches PRL in the face several more times! Alf whips PRL hard into the corner. PRL sinks to his knees, then Alf pulls him off, whipping him across again, then taking him off his feet with a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! VENTURA Alf is in total control of this match, Cole! I keep telling you, we're going to see a new World champion tonight! Alf stomps away at PRL until he rolls to the outside, then follows him out and slugs away with right hands. He then sets him up, and whips him into the steel steps! COLE And PRL tasting the steel on the outside! Alf rolls inside, and poses, drawing boos. VENTURA Haha! COLE The champ is in big trouble, I must admit! PRL climbs to the apron, and Alf hooks him, lifting him in a suplex, then holding him for a few seconds before dropping him to the mat! VENTURA Beautiful suplex, this is it! 1... 2... NO! Shoulder up! Alf whips PRL hard into the corner again, then stalks over to him, with a smirk on his face. He delivers a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! PRL responds with a right hand! COLE But look at PRL respond! Alf hooks PRL and backs him into the corner again. VENTURA Yeah, but he's just running on fumes here, Cole! It's only a matter of time! Alf delivers another CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! PRL with another right hand! Alf backs PRL up again, then delivers a third CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! PRL fires back with a right hand, then unleashes a fury of rights, but Alf delivers a thumb to the eye! VENTURA Great counter move by Alf there! COLE Alf whips PRL across, but puts his head down, and PRL hooks him, then drops him with a Cradle DDT! COLE PRL with the Esto Daño De La Cogida De La Voluntad! Nice move by PRL, and that could be enough to turn the tide! VENTURA Well, Alf made a cardinal error there, he put his head down! Both men are down on the mat, as the referee begins a count. 1!!! 2!!! 3!!! 4!!! 5!!! 6!!! 7!!! 8!!! PRL sits up, then Alf turns to his side. Alf pulls himself up using the ropes, then goes after PRL, who catches him with a LATIN SLAM~! Cover... 1... 2... Shoulder up! PRL gets to his feet, and floors Alf with a clothesline! He follows that up with a SPINNING WHEEL KICK~! COLE DODGE THIS, BITCH~! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Shoulder up! PRL lets Alf get to his feet. He goes to pick him up, and gets poked in the eyes! Alf punches PRL repeatedly. Alfdogg then gives P.R. an Irish whip into the ropes…PRL reverses, Alfdogg bounces off of the ropes, right into a SPINEBUSTER from Tha Puerto Rican! "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" COLE Here we go! VENTURA Come on! Come on! Move! Move! Move! Tha Puerto Rican plays to the crowd, and then stands over Alfdogg, where he proceeds to then kick Alfdogg’s right arm onto his chest. Tha Puerto Rican removes his right elbow pad and then throws it into the crowd. PRL then does some weird hand signal, and then bounces off of the ropes, leaps over Alfdogg, and then bounces off of the opposite ropes. COLE It is now time for The Most Electrifying Move In Professional Wrestling: The Puerto Rico Elbow! Tha Puerto Rican charges forward, stops in his tracks, does Alfdogg's pose...and then drops The Puerto Rico Elbow onto Alfdogg! "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!" COLE The Puerto Rico Elbow! PRL with The Puerto Rico Elbow! Tha Puerto Rican covers Alfdogg, hooking his right leg. 1... 2... 3!!!!!!!!! KICK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! COLE No! No! No! Only 2! Only a 2 count! VENTURA Thank God! Thank God! The crowd is disappointed that that wasn't the finish. "THAT WAS THREE!" "THAT WAS THREE!" "THAT WAS THREE!" "THAT WAS THREE!" COLE The crowd showing their disappointment that that wasn't a 3 count! VENTURA Alfdogg won't let a nothing move like The Puerto Rico Elbow stop him! No sir! Nothing's gonna stop Alfdogg now! PRL is on his hands and knees catching his breath. PRL stands up, slowly, and picks Alfdogg up. PRL measures Alfdogg, and then hits him with several Rock-style punches to the temple! Punch. Punch. Punch. NOW KISS THAT LEFT~! Punch! Alfdogg goes down! Alfdogg gets back up quickly. PRL takes a few steps back towards the ropes, then clotheslines Alfdogg to the floor! COLE And Alf sent to the outside! Alf staggers around on the outside, then turns around to see PRL coming down onto him with a PESCADO~! COLE PRL flies! PRL delivers right hands on the floor, then picks up Alf, and rams his face into the steel steps! COLE And PRL unleashing the aggression now! PRL sets Alf up, and executes a suplex on the floor! PRL looks out to the people, who cheer in response. Tha Puerto Rican "smells the electricity" inside of the arena. COLE And listen to the people! PRL tosses Alf back inside, then ascends the top rope...and hits Alf with THE PEOPLE'S AX~! Cover... 1... 2... NO!!! Alf gets his shoulder up! VENTURA But look at Alf! How bad does he want it, Cole? COLE No doubt Alf wants it bad, but so does PRL, who is in control right now! PRL gets to his feet, then floors Alf with a flying forearm, then KIPS UP~! COLE And PRL is setting him up! PRL goes into the corner, stomps his feet...then spots Thunderkid running to the ring, and climbing onto the apron! VENTURA And here comes the cavalry! PRL knocks TK back off the apron with SWEET CHIN MUSIC~! COLE But Thunderkid got caught! Sandman9000 sneaks around the apron in the meantime, as PRL picks up Alf...and drives him with the P.R. NIGHTMARE~!!!!!11111 COLE HE GOT IT! Cover... 1... 2... ...Sandman9000 reaches in and pulls PRL to the outside! COLE But Sandman9000 prevents the fall! Get him out of here! PRL goes after Sandman, as the referee yells at them, and Sandman leads PRL on a chase around the ring, passing Alf a set of brass knuckles along the way! COLE And now Sandman9000 just passed something in to Alf! VENTURA Oh, I didn't see that, Schiavone! COLE He did it as he was running around the ring! Sandman9000 rolls inside, distracting the referee, as TK reaches in and revives Alf. Sandman hops out of the ring as he sees PRL coming, who then makes his way back to Alf as the referee yells at Sandman9000. PRL starts to pick him up...but Alf drills him with a shot from the brass knuckles! COLE And PRL got hit! VENTURA This is definitely it! Alf drops the knucks off the apron, where TK picks them up. Alf then drags himself to PRL... 1... 2... 3!!! NO!!! PRL gets the shoulder up! VENTURA I don't believe this! COLE The champ isn't done yet! Alf throws a tantrum in the ring, then confronts the referee. He then picks up PRL, and executes a BELLY-TO-BELLY~! VENTURA And now Alf's setting it up! Alf follows with a T-BONE SUPLEX~!! Alf then picks up PRL, and lifts him in a fireman's carry, and spins him around...but PRL lands on his feet! He sends a kick to the gut, then hooks in a front facelock! COLE Here it is again! But Alf executes a double leg trip... VENTURA No! ...and hooks PRL in the SHARPSHOOTER~!!!!!11111 VENTURA Here it is, Cole! COLE Sharpshooter applied! We could see the title change hands right here! Alf cinches back on the hold, as PRL yells in pain. VENTURA Look at the pain on his face, Michael Cole! PRL inches towards the ropes, almost reaching them, before Alf pulls him back out to the center! COLE And look at this, back in the middle! PRL's hand hovers inches above the mat, as he continues his cries of pain. VENTURA He's gonna give it up, Michael! PRL moves his hand to his head, then puts it on the mat, dragging himself to the ropes one last time...and grabbing the bottom rope! COLE PRL made it! The referee counts Alf, who breaks at the four-count. Alf picks up PRL, and lifts him for a scoop-slam...but PRL slips behind the back, and hits him with SWEET CHIN MUSIC~! COLE Superkick from PRL! PRL slowly gets to his feet, then hooks the front facelock again...but Alf spins out behind, and hooks him, driving him with a COBRA CLUTCH FACEBUSTER~!!! Cover... 1... 2... NO!!! PRL gets the shoulder up! COLE And once again, PRL with the shoulder out of there! What a match! Alf angrily goes to the outside, and grabs a steel chair. COLE And now right in front of the referee, Alf with a steel chair! Alf sizes up PRL, then makes his move! He brings the chair down...but PRL moves out of the way, and the chair bounces off the ropes, and hits Alf in the face! COLE Look at that! Alf then stumbles backwards over PRL, who presses his legs down to the mat! 1... 2... 3!!! *DING DING DING* VENTURA COLE HE GOT HIM! PRL has retained his World title! BUFFER The winner of the match...and STILL OAOAST heavyweight champion of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PUERRRRRRRRRRRRRRTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! VENTURA Well, like I always say, it's better to be lucky than good, Cole! COLE PRL, ever the opportunist, capitalizing on the situation, and he has defeated Alfdogg and retained his World heavyweight championship! The referee presents PRL his belt, but Alf attacks from behind! VENTURA It's not over yet, Cole! COLE Come on, get Alf out of the ring! Alf whips PRL into the ropes, but PRL ducks a clothesline, and hits Alf with a flying forearm! PRL then picks up his title belt, and decks Alf over the head with it, sending him flying over the top rope! Alf stumbles down the aisle, as Know Your Role 2000 plays, and PRL celebrates in the ring with his belt. COLE Another classic match to close out the night here at Zero Hour, as PRL retains his World Heavyweight championship! Folks, for The Coach and The Body, I'm Michael Cole, we'll see you this Thursday on HeldDOWN~! PRL stands on the buckles and holds the belt into the camera as we... FADE TO BLACK

THURSDAYS OR FRIDAYS ON TSM! WILL ALFDOGG LIVE UP TO HIS PROMISE OR WILL PRL PROVE HIM WRONG? YES. I MEAN NO. I MEAN WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? IT WAS RHETORICAL? WHY ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT ANSWERED? FUCK YOU EMILY! "If you are what you say you are A superstar Then have no fear The camera's here And the microphones and they wanna know Oh oh oh yeah" The red carpet is rolled out as "Superstar" by Lupe Fiasco plays. Lugging along his trusty Siclopse camera, out through the entrance heads Simon Singleton... and it's Singleton by name, Singleton by nature as he heads to the ring alone. That doesn't seem to bother Simon too much as he struts to the ring with a smile on his face, always happy to be under the bright lights of Pay Per View. BUFFER Your next contest here at OAOAST Zero Hour is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Beverly Hills, California... he weighs two hundred, twenty five pounds... "THE VIDEO VOYEUR"... "BOX OFFICE" SSSIIIIIIMMMMOOOOOONN... SSSSIIIIIINNGGLLLLEEEEETTOOOOOOONN!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Simon sets the Siclopse up at the foot of the aisle, getting his shots all lined up before he even thinks of entering the ring. COLE This match added to the Zero Hour card on OAOAST.com at the eleventh hour by Josie Baker, although we understand that Theodore Moneymaker was instrumental in getting this signed. And you'll notice no Ned Blanchard and no Molly Nerdly at Simon Singleton's side tonight. Moneymaker has made it clear, Simon is on his own tonight and it's down to him to impress the, quote, "Messiah". Removing his Beverly Hills Blond silver vest, Simon tests out the ring ropes while the crowd are more interested in the entrance way. As the drums kick in to "Rock The Casbah" the Cleveland crowd rise to their feet, to welcome Leon Rodez. The Silky Smooth One lacks the fun and frivolity you usually see from him, head down and heading for the ring with only an occassional reach to slap a hand to show he's hearing the crowd. BUFFER And his opponent! From Grand Rapids, Michigan... weighing in at two hundred, eighteen pounds. A member of The In Crowd... "THE NEW-AGE LOVE MACHINE"... "THE GRAND RAPIDS GOLDEN CHILD"... ladies and gentlemen, "SILKY SMOOTH"... LLLLLLEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOONN... RRRRRRRROOOOOOODDEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Leon climbs the steps and pulls off his robe, with Simon standing just feet away jawing at him. COACH You know, I went on OAOAST.com last night to do a little research and I found out some big news. Did you read this, apparantly Leon and Maggie Nerdly, rumour has it, are on a 'trial separation'. COLE I read that too and if it's true, that's unfortunate to hear. COACH Ah, don't worry about it. Seems like Leon's moved on quickly enough. COLE Now we don't know that to be true either Coach. All we saw was a note, let's not read too much into that. Let's try and concentrate on this one fall match, In Crowd versus Enterprise here tonight. *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds and the crowd are instantly behind Leon with their vocal support. Not happy, Simon rolls out of the ring and makes a big deal of hitting the "mute" button on his Siclopse. COLE So much for artistic integrity. COACH What? Maybe Simon just wants to put a good, triumphant sound-track to it later and wants to make Molly's job a little easier. COLE How hard is it to press mute on a computer? Simon rolls back in and we're ready to go, with a lock-up. Singleton grabs a side headlock and gets shot off the ropes, knocking Leon down on the rebound with a shoulder block. 'Rolling cameras', Simon comes off the ropes again. Roadblock created by Leon, BOSS going up and over before being taken over with a Sitout Hiptoss! 1... 2... No! Swing and a miss from Simon leaves him wide open, Leon looking to take him up for a back suplex. Singleton manages to float over the back though landing safely on his feet. A shove in the back sends Leon off the ropes as Simon prepares to swing for the hills again. Strike 2 for BOSS though as Rodez slides through the legs to first base... and that uses up every baseball reference I know, so I've got nothing... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...for a knifedge chop. *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" A second chop. *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" And a third. Not a fan of chops, Simon drops to his knees and attempts to call for a timeout. But Leon isn't in a forgiving mood tonight and pulls Simon back up by the EARS, before sending him off the ropes and connecting with a standing dropkick! COLE Leon picking up where he left off this past Thursday night on HeldDOWN against Thunderkid, on the offence, showing some rare intensity. And you can only imagine what it's going to be like this week, Leon Rodez versus Reject inside of a fifteen foot high steel cage! Rolling out of the ring, Singleton pulls himself up on the apron still looking for some sort of a reprieve. And he's still out of luck as Leon delivers a baseball slide, knocking Simon's feet from underneath him, causing him to drop face-first into the ring apron! Reaching out of the ring, Leon then drags Simon back up onto the apron, bringing him in the hard way with a vertical suplex... 1... 2... No. Irish whip sends Singleton into a corner, Leon charging in... and getting caught with a knee! COACH There we go. Show him why you're the BOSS! COLE I wonder how Theodore Moneymaker feels about that nickname. COACH He's The Messiah now, I'm sure he's cool with it. Hopping to the middle rope, Simon drops with a right hand to the temple from short range. That staggers Rodez, allowing Simon to go up again with a second fist. Singleton then delivers a back suplex and makes the cover... 1... 2... No! Simon looks to shut Leon down with a rear chinlock now, positioning him towards the Siclopse for a good full frontal shot of the hold. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" COLE This Cleveland crowd getting behind Leon Rodez. And he seems to be drawing off it. COACH Yeah no kidding, C'MON SIMON! You're gonna have to do better than a chinlock to impress Mister Moneymaker! Fighting to his feet with the support of the fans, Leon delivers an elbow to the gut. And a second. And a third, breaking free. As he goes to hit the ropes though, Simon reaches out and grabs a hold of the back of his singlet. A sly tug puts Leon on the backfoot and allows Simon to hit the ropes instead, aiming high with a clothesline. Rodez ducks though, dropkicking Singleton in the back to set him on the middle rope. Sizing him up, Rodez then does a weird sort of jig before hitting the ropes, shooting back and driving his weight into the spine of BOSS! COLE Call That Bitch Bojangles! Simon staggers off the ropes... right into an Exploder Suplex! COLE And what a throw! Simon is in trouble right now and there's no-one for the tag team specialist to tag, he's aaaall alone! Waiting on Singleton to get back up, Leon delivers a boot and underhooks the arms. Before he can hit the Tiger Driver though Simon drops to one knee and prevents from being taken up. Leon lets him go with a little annoyance and pulls Simon up for a chop... but Simon cuts him off by going to the eyes! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH See, Simon ain't no scrub. He knows what's up. Scoop and a slam from BOSS sets The Silky Smooth One where he wants him, as he heads to the top rope. The crowd let Singleton hear it as he stops halfway to size Leon up on his imaginary camera phone, before scaling the rest of the way to the top. COLE Simon wasting a lot of time here. COACH He's a sport entertainer Michael. It's all about the style. See, here's the entertainment... Getting his footing, Simon soars with his patented CLAPBOARD LEGDROP... COACH ...and here's the sport! ...BUT LEON ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" Hobbling around, the hold on his tailbone prevents Simon from blocking a jab! A jab! A jab! A jab! Rodez turns, blowing the kiss, before turning back on his heels... *SMACK!* ...and nailing The Video Voyeur upside the head with the enziguri! COLE MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT! And Simon IS out! Dragging his opponent into position, Leon quickly heads to the top himself. Wasting none of the time that Singleton has earlier he scales up the turnbuckles and reaches the top in no time at all, tumbling... ...and NAILING the 450!!! COLE Put it in the can! 1... 2... 3!!! *DINGDINGDING!* COLE Absolutely decisive! "Rock The Casbah" hits again, Leon's hand raised in a satisfying victory. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the match... "SILKY SMOOTH" LLLEEEEEOOOOOOONN... RRROOOOOODDEEEEZZZZZZZZ!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Leon with a nice warm-up for the match that he REALLY wants. And it's the match he's going to get this week on HeldDOWN~! Rodez, Reject, inside the Steel Cage, what a war it promises to be... Suddenly, we cut away from the ring... and to a hotel near the arena, where we find Melissa Nerdly walking down the hallway. She stops at room 401, where she sees an employee standing next to the door. MELISSA Hi, I'm Melissa! I'm here to see Leon. The employee hands her a key to the room, and a note. MELISSA "Use the restroom to get yourself ready, then see me in the room." Melissa enters the room, and walks into the restroom, humming to herself as she fluffs out her hair, and removes her coat to reveal some very revealing black lingerie, which gets a rise out of the males watching. She looks in the mirror and smiles, then walks into the room. MELISSA Well, what do you think... Melissa holds her arms out, then her smile turns to a look of shock and horror, as the camera pans to the bed to reveal Reject laying on it, with his hands behind his head. REJECT Oh, you look great. Melissa screams in horror, as Reject hops off the bed, and the camera suddenly cuts out, and the screen becomes fuzzy. Back in the Quicken Loans Arena and Leon, halfway up the aisle, has come to a stop. Looking at the now blank video screen he runs his hands over his head before quickly disappearing backstage. COLE Well, that is... that is not good. The camera cuts to the OAOAST Zero Hour 2008 interview set where Josh Matthews is standing by with Tha Puerto Rican. The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican has the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his left shoulder and a serious look on his face. JOSH MATTHEWS P.R., in just a few moments, you will step into the ring and defend the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship against a man who has been targeting you ever since you won the Title at AngleMania VII, Alfdogg. What are your thoughts heading into this-- THA PUERTO RICAN Josh, I would love to stay and chat, but I've got an ass-kicking that I've got to dish out! Alfdogg thinks that he's got this one in the bag? Alfdogg thinks that he's the uncrowned Champion? Well, he's in for a rude awakening, my friend! Or should that be, a P.R. Nightmare! Heat, buddy, this one's for you! Tha Puerto Rican walks away from the OAOAST Zero Hour 2008 interview set ready for his match as J.Math just stares at the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, quizzical. The crowd cheers loudly.

CUT BACKSTAGE DOCTOR STEPHEN PIGLEY They annexed Prussia? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

The crowd noise escalates as Colombian Heat's cell lowers, and he drags his bag out of the cell, and pushes it into the ring. He then slides in himself, and sets up a ladder next to the ropes where Sandman, Faqu and Brock are fighting. COLE And Colombian Heat, in his weakened state, will climb the ladder here! COACH What's he going to do? Heat climbs the ladder, holding the ironing board with him, then gains his balance on the very top...and RIDES THE IRONING BOARD DOWN ONTO THE CROWD OF PEOPLE~! COLE OH MY! Colombian Heat, putting his body on the line, right out of the gate! COACH An ironing-board assisted flying bodypress! Only in the Chamber of Hell! Heat slowly gets to his feet, as the other three combatants simply lay out. He grabs Sandman, and tosses him into the ring, then stomps away at him in the corner. COLE And Heat wants Sandman9000! Look at him go! COACH Well of course, he's fresh! Sandman's been out there the whole match! Heat picks up Sandman, and executes the DRIVE-BY~! onto the barbed wire board! COLE Onto the barbed wire! 1... 2... NO! Sandman gets the shoulder up! Heat pulls Sandman back into the corner, then climbs up and lays in punches as the crowd counts along! 1!!! 2!!! 3!!! 4!!! 5!!! 6!!! 7!!! Heat is interrupted by Brock Ausstin, who lays in a shot to the back! COLE And Brock Ausstin from behind! Brock then hammers Sandman with a right hand, before ramming Heat into the buckle. He then delivers a headbutt to Heat, then kicks Sandman in the gut, as Faqu slides back into the ring. Brock grabs the thumbtack motorcycle helmet, and puts it over his hand, then punches Sandman over the forehead! COLE Brock using that helmet like a boxing glove, delivering a big right hand to Sandman! However, Faqu sends Brock to the mat with a thrust kick! COACH But the Samoan Wrecking Ball isn't done yet, Cole! Heat goes back to work on Sandman, as Faqu stomps Brock to the outside. Faqu rakes Brock's face across the Chamber wall, then lays in chops, before grabbing the barbed wire chair. COLE And Faqu now with that chair wrapped in barbed wire! Faqu rams Brock in the ribs with the chair, while Heat runs into Sandman's feet in the corner inside. Sandman chokes away at Heat, while, Faqu charges Brock with the chair, only to have it kicked back into his face! COLE But Faqu's plan backfires! Meanwhile, in the ring, Sandman is climbing a ladder with his back to Heat, who lays below on top of the cactus. COACH Sandman going for something big on the inside, Cole! Heat slowly gets to his feet, and hammers Sandman on the back, then climbs the ladder on the other side. Meanwhile on the outside, Brock grabs Faqu in a battering ram, and rams him into the Chamber wall! COLE And a battering ram on the outside! COACH Wow, I don't know if even Faqu's head can take that kind of a move! Heat rams Sandman's face on the top of the ladder, then climbs over, hooking his legs under Sandman's shoulders...and executing a SUNSET FLIP BOMB OFF THE LADDER ONTO THE CACTUS~! COACH Oh my GOD. COLE Sandman right on his head and neck on that cactus! "HO-LY SHIT~!" "HO-LY SHIT~!" "HO-LY SHIT~!" "HO-LY SHIT~!" COLE That was almost like Todd Cortez's Riot Act Plus off of that ladder, down onto the cactus! But Heat unable to cover! Heat slowly gets to his feet...and is met with a BARBED-WIRE CHAIRSHOT from Brock Ausstin! COACH Now he's REALLY unable to cover! Heat bleeds as he lays on the mat, as Faqu slides back inside. Brock lays the chair on the mat, then scoops up Faqu on his shoulders! COLE And here comes the F-Stunner-5 on the 300-pounder! However, Heat hits Brock with a chop block! COLE But Heat took the knee out on Brock! Faqu slowly gets to his feet, and stomps away on Heat, then picks him up and lays in chops! COLE And now Faqu going to work on Heat! That's gratitude for ya, I guess! Faqu whips Heat into the ropes, then flattens him with a body attack! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Meanwhile, Sandman delivers some forearm shots to Brock in a corner, but Brock grabs Sandman around the throat, and tosses him back into the corner, then delivers BIG right hands! COLE Brock Ausstin unloading on the Heartland champion! Faqu and Heat slip to the outside, as Brock whips Sandman into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Sandman hits a quick dropkick to the head! Meanwhile, on the outside, Faqu slams Heat's ironing board over his back! COLE Right to Heat's injured back! COACH Heat's own weapon from his bag! Haha! Faqu gives him another shot, as Heat arches his back in pain, and Faqu shoves him inside, while Sandman shoves Brock to the outside. Sandman grabs Brock in a standing headscissors, then hooks his arms. COLE Sandman going for the Archangel's Wings on the floor! However, Brock spins out, then scoops Sandman onto his shoulders, and gives him the F-STUNNER-5 INTO THE WALL OF THE CHAMBER~!!!!!!11111 COLE But Brock counters, and Sandman taking the F-Stunner-5 into the Chamber wall! Unbelievable! Brock stands and catches his breath, then goes back inside, and hammers away on Heat, then executes a hanging fisherman's buster! Cover... 1... 2... Shoulder up! COLE And Heat getting the shoulder up after that suplex from Brock! Faqu stomps Sandman on the floor, then allows him to get to his feet, and delivers blows to the side of the face, followed by a big headbutt! Sandman sinks to his knees, as Faqu grabs the steel steps, lifting them over his head and approaching Sandman, who joins his hands together, and raises them in between the legs of Faqu! COLE Sandman with a low blow on the outside, as Faqu was about to slam those steel steps into his head! Faqu drops the steps behind him, as Sandman lays in some weak right hands. Faqu quickly recovers, and fires back, knocking Sandman to the floor with another massive headbutt! COACH But Sandman has had a lot of starch taken out of him here! Meanwhile, on the inside, Brock whips Heat to the ropes, and lifts him for a PRESS SLAM~!, but Heat slips behind, and takes Brock's knee out once again! COLE And Heat once again, going for the big man's knee! Faqu reaches into the ring, and drags Heat to the outside, hammering him as Sandman scales the top rope. Brock catches him, however, and crotches him! COLE Sandman got caught going upstairs! Brock tries to follow him upstairs, attempting to hook him for a superplex, but Sandman delivers right hands. COACH Sandman trying to avoid a superplex attempt! Sandman grabs Brock by the head, and delivers multiple headbutts, sending Brock down to the mat. COLE And Sandman able to stave off Brock for now! Sandman steps back up to the top, then waits for Brock to get up, then jumps off and drives a knee right into his face! COACH Wow, that was a flying knee, kind of like a Shining Wizard, off the top rope! Sandman covers... 1... 2... NO! Brock gets the shoulder up! COLE But not enough to put away Brock Ausstin! Sandman tosses Brock to the outside, then follows him out, and then assists Faqu in stomping Colombian Heat. COLE And now it's a double team, as Sandman joins Faqu and they both stomp away on Colombian Heat! COACH Yeah! Stomp right on that back! However, Brock is able to get to his feet, and hammers on the back of Faqu. Heat is able to fight his way up on Sandman, and takes the advantage with right hands, then holds him for Brock, who lays in rights to the gut. COLE And now it's Sandman being double-teamed, by Colombian Heat and Brock Ausstin! After a few shots, Brock reaches over Sandman and levels Heat! COACH And now Brock attacking Colombian Heat! How about that? Brock takes over on Heat on the floor, as Faqu pulls Sandman into the ring. Faqu whips Sandman into the ropes, but Sandman ducks a clothesline, and floors Faqu with a spinning wheel kick! Sandman then gets to his feet, and grabs the barbed-wire bat, digging into Faqu's head with it! COLE And Sandman putting the barbed wire into play once again, digging into the forehead of Faqu! Brock makes his way back into the ring, flooring both Sandman and Faqu with shots from the ironing board! He then grabs his croquet sledge, and begins to choke Faqu with it! Brock then picks up Faqu, and delivers a headbutt...which only serves to hurt himself! COACH Well, that was a dumb move! Doesn't Brock know about those Samoans? Brock delivers a second headbutt, same result, then Faqu delivers a big one of his own, before taking Brock over with a BELLY-TO-BELLY~! COLE And Faqu could be setting Brock up here! Faqu then lays down the barbed wire chair, then hooks Brock...and delivers the DEATH BY SAMOAN~!!!!!11111 COACH There it is! 1... 2... 3!!! COLE And Brock Ausstin has been eliminated! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3rd elimination: Brock Ausstin eliminated by: Faqu (pinfall) remaining: Sandman9000, Faqu, Colombian Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Faqu gets to his feet and slaps on his chest, then roars, before Heat rolls back inside and hits him with a PELE KICK~!, sending him through the ropes to the floor! COLE But there's Colombian Heat with the Pele Kick! Sandman comes at Heat with a clothesline, but Heat ducks, and hits Sandman with the PELE KICK~!, as well! COLE And one for Sandman! Heat backs into the ropes, and hits the SHAKY LEGS KNEEDROP~! Cover... 1... 2... Shoulder up! Heat grabs the barbed-wire chair, then grabs Sandman in a headlock, but Sandman lifts him, and drops him onto the chair with a back suplex! COACH Yeah! Great move, Sandman! COLE Heat right down on his injured back on that barbed-wire chair! Heat rolls around on the mat in pain, as Sandman gets to his feet, then drops a knee to the back! He turns Heat over, and covers... 1... 2... Shoulder up! Faqu rolls back inside, and hammers Sandman from behind, then rams him into the buckle, before going to work on Heat. He lays in chops, but Heat slugs back! COLE And look at Heat fight back! A slugfest ensues, with Faqu getting the best of it, before Heat punts him RIGHT IN THE NUTS~! COACH Look at that cheap shot! COLE There aren't any cheap shots in this match! Faqu falls to the mat, then Sandman grabs his leg and pulls him to the ringpost, ramming his leg into it! COLE And now Sandman9000 wrapping the leg of the Samoan Wrecking Ball around that ringpost! Sandman then reaches into his bin, and pulls out a spool of barbed wire! COACH Oh, man! COLE What else can these guys pull out? Sandman unrolls some of the wire, and wraps it tight around the leg of Faqu, then rams the leg into the post once again! He then grabs the leg and bends it around the post, pulling back on it, until Faqu finally uses his free foot and kicks Sandman repeatedly in the face to free himself. COLE Well, Faqu got himself out of that jam, but his left leg is still wrapped up in that barbed wire! Faqu tries to unwrap himself, but Heat stops him, catching him with a swinging neckbreaker! Heat then picks up Faqu, and attempts an Irish whip, but Faqu reverses. Heat ducks a clothesline, but gets caught in a SAMOAN DROP~! Faqu follows that up, by dropping his barbed-wire wrapped leg on Heat! COLE Faqu with a legdrop, with that leg which is wrapped in barbed wire! Faqu then sits up, and begins to unwrap the barbed wire from his leg. After unwrapping it, he wraps it around his fist, then drops into the head of Heat! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Heat gets the shoulder up! COLE But Colombian Heat still refusing to lay down! Sandman then slides back inside with the ironing board, and jams it into the midsection of Faqu! As Faqu is doubled over, Sandman stands with his back towards the cactus, and grabs him in a front facelock. He waits, as Heat gets to his feet, then looks at Sandman for a second, before grabbing a front facelock himself. COLE And look at this double team! COACH Wow, I can't believe this! Sandman and Heat lift Faqu, and execute a DOUBLE SUPLEX ONTO THE CACTUS~! COLE Sandman and Heat joining forces, and Faqu lands on the cactus! Heat then goes right back after Sandman, dropping an elbow on him, then picking him up and delivering the GANGSTA SLAM~! Everyone lays on the mat, as the crowd gets to its feet. COLE And listen to the crowd here in Cleveland, showing their appreciation for the final three combatants in the fourth Heartland Invitational Chamber of Hell! Faqu slowly gets to his feet, then stomps away on Heat, kicking him to the outside. Sandman nails him from behind, then whips him into a corner, and follows him in with a knee to the face! COLE Big knee by Sandman9000 to the Samoan Wrecking Ball! However, Faqu walks right out of the corner, and holds his arms out. COACH Look at this, though! Faqu roars as Sandman turns around, then hooks one arm, and executes a BELLY-TO-BELLY~! COLE The knee to the head by Sandman, but it had no effect on the big man! Faqu rolls to the outside, and grabs two steel chairs from under the ring. He rolls inside with them, then sets them up, and lays the barbed wire board across them. COACH What is Faqu doing? Faqu picks up Sandman, and delivers a chop, then lays him across the board. He then sets up the big ladder, and begins to climb, with his back to Sandman. COLE And the big man going to fly here, possibly! Meanwhile, on the outside, Heat has got the iron and blowtorch, and is torching the iron, until the base is glowing red! COACH Oh my God, look at that iron! Heat then slides into the ring, and climbs the ladder on the other side. Faqu reaches over, and throws right hands at Heat, then steps over the ladder and kicks away. One last kick attempt...but Heat holds the iron out, and Faqu's foot presses into it! COLE OH MY GOD, Faqu's foot being burned by that red hot iron! Faqu sits atop the ladder, as Sandman rolls off the board. Heat clotheslines Sandman to the mat, then climbs the ladder behind Faqu, and PRESSES THE IRON IN BETWEEN HIS SHOULDER BLADES~!~!~! COACH Somebody stop this! Faqu lays back, and Heat ducks below him, and hooks his arms. COLE Oh...my...God... Heat turns Faqu upside down...and delivers the COLOMBIAN NECKTIE OFF OF THE LADDER, BREAKING THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE BOARD BELOW~!!!!!11111 COLE/COACH :o :o :o HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! Heat pushes back off of his feet, hooking one of Faqu's legs... 1... 2... 3!!! COACH Oh, no. COLE Faqu is gone! We're down to two!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 4th elimination: Faqu eliminated by: Colombian Heat (pinfall) remaining: Sandman9000, Colombian Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ Sandman stands in a corner, as Heat pulls himself to his feet. The two stare across the ring at each other, as the crowd noise escalates. COLE And this is what it had to come down to! After what Sandman and the Deadly Alliance did to Colombian Heat, now Heat has a chance for revenge! COACH Quit living in a fairy tale world, Cole! This is Sandman's environment! Heat has no chance! Heat meets Sandman in mid-ring, and the two slug it out! COLE And here we go! Sandman gets the better of the exchange, then tosses Heat to the outside. COACH See that? Heat's emotions are getting the better of him! He's not going to win a slugfest with Sandman! Sandman grabs Heat around the waist, and shoves him back-first into the Chamber wall! COLE And Sandman going right after that injured back! Sandman rams Heat into the wall once again, then picks up the steel steps, and slams them onto his back! COLE Oh wow, those steel steps right onto that back! Sandman rolls Heat back inside, and stomps away at him. Sandman waits for Heat to get up, then backs into the ropes, and charges at him with a YAKUZA KICK~!...but Heat ducks, then drives Sandman into the mat with the BONG HIT~! COLE Heat scores with the Bong Hit! 1... 2... Shoulder up! Heat climbs to the top rope, then waits for Sandman to get to his feet, and hits him with a MISSILE DROPKICK~! COLE And a missile dropkick! Heat comes to his feet with a SPINAROONI~!, but sinks back to one knee holding his back. COACH What an idiot! Sandman gets to his feet, then hooks Heat...and executes the ARCHANGEL'S WINGS~!!!!!11111 COLE And there's the Archangel's Wings! But Sandman can't cover! Both men lay on the mat for several seconds, then Sandman scoots over, and drapes an arm over... 1... 2... 3!!! ... NO!!! Heat gets the shoulder up! COACH Come on, ref! COLE Heat getting the shoulder out of there at the last split second! Sandman pulls himself to his feet, then spots the iron laying on the mat. He picks it up, then torches it back up. COLE And now Sandman with that red-hot iron! Sandman approaches Heat, and tries to force the iron INTO HIS FACE, but Heat grabs Sandman's wrists with his hands, and keeps it away! COLE Sandman was going to drive that iron right into Heat's face! After a long struggle, Heat drives both feet up into Sandman's gut! He then pulls himself up, and clotheslines Sandman, then kicks his legs apart, and picks up the iron, as the crowd begins to groan. COACH Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Heat drives the iron down, as Sandman manages to avoid this grizzly fate with a backwards somersault, then floors Heat with a flying forearm! COACH Phew! COLE And lucky for Sandman there, he was able to roll out of the way! Sandman then grabs the barbed-wire chair, and raises it above his head...but as he does, Heat JAMS THE IRON INTO HIS MIDSECTION~! COACH Oh no! Heat rolls up Sandman in a small package! 1... 2... NO! Sandman kicks out! COLE Heat ALMOST had it right there! Heat picks up Sandman, and delivers the PIMP JUICE~! He then grabs the barbed-wire chair, and CRACKS it over the head of Sandman! COLE And a MASSIVE chair shot! COACH ...I can't believe I'm saying this, but it doesn't look good for Sandman right now! Heat climbs to the top rope with his back to Sandman...and flies off with STRAIGHT FROM DA STREET~!!! COLE Heat with his Sky Twister Press! 1... 2... 3!!! NO!!! Sandman gets the shoulder up! COACH All RIGHT! Can you believe this, Cole? COLE What tremendous fighting spirit shown by both of these two competitors! Heat gets to his knees and puts his hands over his head, then crawls over to the iron. He picks it up, and approaches Sandman, waiting for him to get to his feet. He takes a big swing with the iron, but Sandman ducks, then hooks him, and drives him with a URINAGI INTO THE CACTUS~! COACH And still mounting an offense! This guy is great! Sandman keeps his arm over Heat... 1... 2... NO!!! Heat gets the shoulder up! COLE And Heat not to be outdone, Coach! COACH But Heat was the last guy to enter! Sandman's been out there the whole match! COLE And if Sandman does go on to win this, he would be the first person to start the Chamber of Hell match in the ring, and come out the winner! Sandman then grabs the iron, raises it in the air, and BURIES IT INTO THE CHEST OF HEAT~! COLE OH MY GOD~!!! Sandman with the iron RIGHT INTO THE HEART of Colombian Heat. Heat lays shaking on the mat, as Sandman drags him into a corner, and sets up the big ladder. Sandman then hops to the outside, and slides out a tray resting underneath his trash bin, pulling out a STEEL CHAIR WITH LIGHTTUBES FUSED ONTO IT! COLE Oh my. COACH And look at that chair, Cole, a Sandman specialty! Sandman slides the chair into the ring, then begins to climb the ladder. He gains his balance at the very top of the giant ladder...and comes off with a VAN TERMINATOR OFF THE TOP OF THE GIANT LADDER~!!! COLE And the lighttubes shattering in the face of Colombian Heat, thanks to that Van Terminator from the top of that huge ladder! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! Sandman gets to his feet, then grabs Heat by the arm, and picks him up, then scoops him up onto his shoulders in a reverse fireman's carry...before shifting him, and planting him with the PSYCHO DRIVAH~!!!!!11111 COLE And the PSYCHO DRIVAH~! Sandman covers... 1... 2... 3!!! *DING DING DING* COACH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~! COLE And MERCIFULLY, it's over! Sandman9000 has retained the Heartland title! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen...the winner of the match...and STILL OAOAST Heartland champion...SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAANDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSANNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND!!!!! The referee drapes the belt across Sandman's waist as People = Shit plays. COLE A gallant effort on the part of six of the bravest, toughest men in our business. Bodies mangled! Blood, sweat and tears shed! Careers, possibly lives, changed forever! But in the end, the result is the same! Sandman9000, STILL the OAOAST Heartland champion! Sandman leans over the middle rope, holding his belt into the camera and giving a deep stare. SANDMAN Still Deadly. COACH Haha! That says it all, Cole! Sandman rolls out of the ring, and Alfdogg is waiting for him as he's let out of the Chamber. Alf raises his hand, then helps him to the back. Meanwhile, Heat starts to stir in the ring, then crawls to the ropes and comes to his feet, to a rousing ovation. COLE And this crowd showing its appreciation for the runner-up, Colombian Heat, as well! Heat seemed so close to finally unseating Sandman9000 at times during this match, but it was not to be on this night! The Sandman9000 era will march on! Let's go to...

wait i didn't mean theoretically i meant ideally. ideally ideally ideally. i dilly dally. i dilled a dally. i dilled my dally.

The crowd goes CRAZY~! COLE And it's that time of year again, Coach! Six men walk in to the Heartland Invitational Chamber of Hell, one will walk out with Sandman's Heartland title, but they will all walk out with their careers having been changed! Let's go to the video package! The camera cuts to the back, where Sandman9000 emerges from the locker room and heads to the ring. COLE Yes, lay it on the line, that's what Sandman9000 is about to do, and that's what five other combatants are about to do, in the Chamber of Hell, all for the sake of that belt around Sandman's waist, the OAOAST Heartland title! Cut back to the arena, as the Chamber lowers, with strobes flashing around it like crazy. COACH Here it comes, Cole! COLE The chamber is lowering, and it is lowering around Michael Buffer, who is waiting in the ring, let's go up there! *DING DING DING* (slow and dramatic) BUFFER LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen...this match, is one of our main attractions of Zero Hour 2008! Tonight, six of the roughest, toughest men in the world, will battle it out in this Chamber, standing 24 feet off the ground, and engulfed in barbed wire. Four men will start out in these 8 x 5 cells, which will then be raised to the ceiling of the chamber, while two men start in the ring. Each cell contains a bag with a mystery weapon, which will be brought into the match. Every five minutes, a cell will lower at random, and another man will enter the frey, until one man is left standing, and that man will be the OAOAST Heartland champion! ARE YOU READY? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Cleveland, Ohio...ARRRRRRRRRRRRE YYYYYYYYYYOUUUUUUUUUUUUU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Then for the thousands in attendance here in Cleveland, and the millions and millions watching around the world...there's only one thing left to say. Ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! The crowd continues to cheer, as In the Air Tonight by Nonpoint plays, and the crowd begins to boo as Detective Tango Bosley walks through the curtains, dragging a trashcan full of goodies with him, then lighting a cigarette as he stops in the entryway. COLE And the Enterprise represented in the Chamber this year, as Tango Bosley makes his way out! BUFFER Coming to the ring at this time...he hails from Miami, Florida, and weighs in at 265 pounds! Representing the Enterprise...DETECTIVE TANNNNNNNGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY YYYYY!!!!! Bosley stops at the door, then tosses his smoke down and stomps it out, before entering the Chamber, and making his way to his cell along with his trashcan. He reaches into his bag, and pulls out a motorcycle helmet covered in thumbtacks! COACH Whoa-ho! COLE I don't think anyone will be attempting any head-to-head collisions with Detective Bosley in this match! Bosley looks at the helmet, and grins, as his cell rises. As it reaches the ceiling, a cold, dark voice begins to speak the ungodly hymn over the loud speakers, as smoke begins to cover the entrance way. "Come on God, Answer Me. For Years, I've Been Asking You Why? Why are the Innocent Dead and the Guilty Alive? Where is Justice? Where is Punishment? . . . . . . . . . . . Or Have You Already Answered? Have You Already Said to the World, Here is Justice. Here is Punishment. Here.... In Me." Brock's music hits, and he appears in the entryway, doing his HAPPY HAPPY HOSS DANCE~! BUFFER From Victoria, Minnesota, weighing in at 290 pounds..."THE CURRENT BIG THING" BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROCK AUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! COLE Two-time Heartland champion, and the man with the most experience in this match, he's been in two of the three previous Chamber matches! Brock walks down the aisle, then enters the door and hops onto the apron, yanking back on the ropes and causing pyro to explode from all four corners. COACH WHOA! And another point of significance, this is the first Chamber match which will not feature Alfdogg or Thunderkid, the only two men to appear in all of the first three Chambers! COLE And Alf, of course, winning the first two, Sandman winning it last year, looking to duplicate Alf's feat, and in even more impressive fashion, as he has not relinquished the title since winning it in last year's Chamber! COACH Let's see what Brock's got here... Brock pulls from his bag a croquet set. COACH What in the world...? COLE Well, like we said, Brock the veteran of this match, I'm sure he'll find a use for it! Brock's cell starts to raise, as King Kong by LA Symphony hits, and Faqu makes his way through the curtains. COACH I just noticed too, there's a sledgehammer on the end of that croquet mallet! BUFFER From the Aisle of Samoa, weighing in at 301 pounds...he is one-third of the OAOAST Six-Man tag team champions..."THE SAMOAN WRECKING BALL"...FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU U UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! COACH Fuck you too, Buffer! COLE ...he said FAQU, who is representing Cucaracha International in this match! Faqu pounds on his chest, as he looks up at the Chamber, then enters and makes his way to his cell, opening his bag to find it full of California Raisins figures. COACH :wtf: COLE Well, you never know what you'll find in one of those bags, it looks like Faqu got himself a dud! COACH Fuck that, son! Them figures are worth some good money, and the OAOAST just gives them away for this match??? Faqu screams at the back as his cell raises. COACH Don't harm the figures, Faqu! I got some big money I'll be willing to pay you for those after the match! The lights go down in the arena, turning back on in tune with the melody. COLE And here comes the Heat! "COME ON!" *BOOM~!* The crowd explodes, as does the pyro, leaving behind fire that burns on both sides of the entrance stage. "Gasolina (Remix)" by Daddy Yankee featuring Lil’ Jon and Pitbull starts playing as Colombian Heat rushes out onto the stage, getting the crowd fired up. Heat jogs slowly to both sides of the entrance stage and fires that section of the arena up. Heat raises his hands, acknowledging the fans before hand-slapping his way down the aisle. BUFFER From Miami, Florida, weighing in at 180 pounds...COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOMBIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AT!!!!! COLE And the last time we saw Colombian Heat, he was losing the United States championship to Alfdogg, passing out in Alf's Sharpshooter! His back severely scarred, and even after the rest he was given by OAOAST President Josie Baker for this match, he still does not look to be moving at 100%! COACH Heat has got no chance in this match, Cole! None! Heat looks up at the Chamber, then turns around and throws up the "W" sign with his hands, before entering and making his way to his cell. He opens his bag, pulling out an iron and an ironing board. He looks confused, then digs in deeper to find a blowtorch! COLE And Heat getting a nice bag! Heat's cell raises to the ceiling. COLE And now we know who will be starting this match, and it will be the two men who finished this match last year! BUFFER And now, introducing the two men who will start off this match. Tom Sawyer by Rush hits, and "After Hours" Felix Strutter, riding a moose which is pulling a stable behind him, makes his way out, getting a nice ovation from the crowd. COACH What in the world is this? Is that a moose? COLE Sure is! Strutter dismounts the moose, then heads to the back of the stable, opening the door...and pulling out the CACTUS~! COACH Oh, no! COLE I knew something was missing from this match! BUFFER From Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 218 pounds..."AFTER HOURS" FFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXX SSSSSSSSTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR R!!!!! COLE Another two-time Heartland champion, and as long as it's been, he was the last man to hold the Heartland title before Sandman won it one year ago today! Strutter shoves the cactus into the ring, and props it up in a corner, as the lights dim, then begin going crazy, as if a virus has infected them, randomly jerking around the arena, frantically changing colors and turning off and on. It’s as if a bad anime scene has come to life. Loud scratching fills the airwave, as if a DJ has lost their mind and is attempting to break their equipment. In-between the rips, legitimate music kicks on, of a Southern, heavy metal nature. I ask you please just give us/ Five Minutes Alone.” The lights continue to dart and flash as the music leaves and the scratching continues, only to come back again, now of a hip-hop nature. White America/ I could be one of your kids.” The rap fades out and the scratching continues, at an even greater pace, until music comes back, now of a hardcore variety. Final Prayer/ Final prayer for the human race.” The music leaves once again and the scratches reach their apex, before the sound cuts out and the arena goes pitch black. A single spotlight appears on the stage, the only light in the darkened arena. People look towards the light, but see nothing. Then People = Shit by Slipknot hits. HERE WE GO AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER! The crowd goes insane as a figure punches through the curtains, wearing torn black jeans, a sleeveless black t-shirt, and two bandanas, one over his face and the other over his head. His hands are taped up, with a red "X" on the back of each of them. BUFFER And, from South of Heaven, weighing in at 220 pounds...he is the REIGNING and DEFENDING OAOAST Heartland champion...SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAANDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSANNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND!!!!! Sandman pulls behind him a garbage bin full of assorted weapons, and parks them next to the ring apron, then climbs into the ring, and removes his bandages. COLE And we are about ready to go here! Sandman and Strutter get settled in opposing corners, and the referee calls for the bell. *DING DING DING* COACH Here we go! Sandman and Strutter meet in the middle of the ring, then begin to exchange fists, with Sandman getting the better of the exchange. COACH And a mistake right away by Strutter, he's not gonna win a slugfest with Sandman! Sandman sets up an Irish whip, but Strutter reverses, the drops down. He leapfrogs Sandman, then reverse leapfrogs him, then meets him with a drop toehold! Strutter then hops up, and drops an elbow to the back of his head! COLE But very quick, perhaps the quickest man in this match, is "After Hours" Felix Strutter! Strutter grabs Sandman, and rams his head into the buckles, then whips him across, but Sandman gets a foot up! COLE But Sandman showing some quickness of his own there, getting the foot up! Sandman follows up with a running sleeperhold drop, then covers... 1... 2... Kickout! Sandman picks up Strutter, and executes a snap suplex, then goes to the outside and goes through his garbage bin. COLE And Sandman already going for some weapons! Sandman pulls out a kendo stick, and tosses it into the ring. He then slides a STOP sign in, before rolling inside with a trash can, and dumping the contents out. He makes his way towards Strutter, but Strutter catches him with another drop toehold, sending him face-first into his own trashcan! COACH Oh no! COLE Sandman sent right into his own weapon with a drop toehold! Strutter then makes his way over to the kendo stick, and holds it up in the air, as the crowd cheers him on. He then brings it down across the back of Sandman! COLE And Felix with the kendo stick to the back! He lets Sandman pull himself to his feet, then brings it across his upper back and shoulders! He then backs him into a corner, still holding the stick, and whips him across, then catches him coming out with the stick to the gut! He then hooks him in a standing headscissors... COLE Could be the Thunder Bay Throttle! However, as he starts to hook the arms, Sandman trips him up, and slingshots him into the corner! He then grabs the stick, and drills Felix right on top of the head! COACH DAY-UM~! COLE Kendo stick right to the head of Felix Strutter! Sandman stops to catch his breath, then tosses Strutter to the outside. He picks up Strutter, and attempts to ram in face-first into the side of the Chamber, but Strutter blocks. COLE And now both men trying to force the other's face into the barbed-wire covered Chamber wall! After a struggle, Sandman goes to the eyes of Strutter, then starts raking his face across the wall! COLE And it's Felix, the first one to taste the barbed wire in this match! Felix sinks to the floor, examining the blood from the cut caused by the barbed wire, then Sandman picks him up and whips him into the steel steps! COLE And the already bloodied Felix Strutter tasting the steel steps! Sandman rolls Strutter back inside, then climbs the steps and follows him in. He lays the STOP sign across Strutter's body, then climbs to the top, and hits him with a senton bomb! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Sandman rolls to the outside, and pulls a ladder out from underneath the ring! COACH Here we go! COLE Sandman gonna climb the ladder here! Sandman pushes the ladder into the ring, then drags the cactus over to where Strutter is laying. He picks Strutter up, then lays the cactus down, and lays Strutter on top of it. He goes to the other side of the ladder, then begins to climb it. COLE Sandman going for something big here... COACH And this could be then end of Felix early if he hits this! Sandman goes for a SWANTON BOMB from the ladder...but Felix moves, and Sandman hits ALL CACTUS~! COACH Oh NO! COLE And Sandman finds nothing but cactus! Sandman rolls forward to his knees on impact, then falls to his stomach, as the crowd groans. Felix pulls himself to his feet using the ropes, then picks Sandman up, and executes a teardrop suplex onto the cactus! COLE And once again onto the cactus! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Sandman crawls across the ring, and grabs a cookie sheet, as Strutter follows and grabs him by his leg. As Strutter attempts to pick up Sandman, Sandman whacks him on the head with the cookie sheet! COLE Cookie sheet to the face of Felix Strutter! Sandman then tosses Strutter into the corner, and executes BOOT SCRAPES, then picks him up and whips him into the ropes. Strutter ducks a clothesline, and they clothesline each other! COLE Double clothesline! COACH Just in time for another entry, Cole! 10!!! 9!!! 8!!! 7!!! 6!!! 5!!! 4!!! 3!!! 2!!! 1!!! BUZZ~!!! The lights flash around the cells again, stopping on...BROCK AUSSTIN! COLE And here comes Brock! Brock's cell lowers, as Sandman looks on. Brock grabs the bag, then exits the cell and climbs into the ring, tossing the bag into Sandman's midsection as he approaches. Brock then hooks Sandman, and takes him over with an OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY~! COLE And a BIG suplex from Brock Ausstin! Brock then picks up Bosley, and hits another OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY~! Bosley winds up in a sitting position in the corner, and Brock goes through his bag. COACH OK, let's see what Brock's gonna do here... Brock takes out a ball, and drops it on the mat, then lines up the mallet, as the crowd groans, and sends a shot RIGHT INTO THE GROIN OF BOSLEY~! COLE/COACH The crowd continues to groan, as Brock picks up Bosley, and tosses him to the outside. Meanwhile, in the ring, Strutter sizes up Sandman, hits a kick to the gut...and drives him with the THUNDER BAY THROTTLE~!!!!!11111 COLE The Thunder Bay Throttle! Sandman could be done right here! 1... 2... NO! Sandman gets the shoulder up! COACH No, it's not! COLE Sandman kicking out of Strutter's Thunder Bay Throttle! Strutter gets to his feet, and puts his hands on his hips for a second, then picks up Sandman, and sets him up onto the four tables that Bosley had set up earlier, then goes to the outside. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, Brock scoops up Bosley, and looks to ram him into the ringpost, but Bosley slips down, and shoves Brock into it instead! COLE And on the other side of the ring, Brock sent right into the steel ringpost by Bosley! Bosley then pulls the barbed wire bat out of the ring, and delivers a shot right to the forehead of Brock! COLE And now Brock tasting the barbed wire! COACH Looks like 4-for-4 on the blood count! Bosley begins to rake the bat across Brock's face, as Strutter sets up the king-sized ladder in the ring. COLE Well, it definitely is now... COACH Look up in the ring, Cole! COLE Oh my God... Strutter climbs the big ladder, looking down on Sandman, still on the tables. However, as he gets towards the top, Bosley slides back in, and shoves the ladder over as Sandman rolls out of the way, sending Strutter all the way into the Chamber wall, then BACKWARDS THROUGH THE STACK OF TABLES~!!! COLE And Strutter through all four tables! COACH Like a bank shot, Cole! Off the ladder, off the Chamber wall, nothing but tables! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! HO-LY SHIT~! COLE Look at the carnage! And we've still got two more to enter! Bosley lays around for a few seconds, then rolls back outside to go after Brock, who blocks an attempt to ram him into the Chamber wall, and begins to rake Bosley's face across! COLE And Bosley once again tasting that barbed wire! Brock then begins to slug away on Bosley, until Sandman scales the top rope, and lands on both men with a somersault! COLE Sandman still not finished out there! Sandman slowly gets to his feet, then goes around the side of the ring, and pulls out a BARBED WIRE BOARD~! COACH Ooooh, baby. COLE And these guys are not done topping themselves! Sandman slides the board into the ring, then positions it in mid-ring. He then goes outside and grabs Brock, tossing him inside. COLE And Sandman obviously with intentions to put Brock into that board! Sandman sizes up Brock, then delivers a kick to the gut, setting up the ARCHANGEL'S WINGS~!!!!!11111 COLE And here it comes! Can he get the big man up? However, Brock blocks, and executes a backdrop... COLE But no! but Sandman manages to land on his feet! COACH Sandman to his feet, though! He then catches a charging Brock, and forces him down ONTO THE BOARD with an STO~! COLE And Sandman with an STO onto that barbed-wire board! Sandman keeps his arm on top... 1... 2... NO! Shoulder up! COLE But Brock Ausstin able to kick out! Sandman rolls to his back, as the count starts up. COACH Who's next? COLE Will it be the worse-for-wear Colombian Heat, or will it be the Samoan Wrecking Ball, Faqu? 10!!! 9!!! 8!!! 7!!! 6!!! 5!!! 4!!! 3!!! 2!!! 1!!! BUZZ~! The lights move back and forth between Heat and Faqu's cell, and stops on...FAQU! COLE And the Samoan Wrecking Ball, Faqu, will enter, that means Colombian Heat will enter the Chamber last! COACH Well, that's lucky for him, but in his condition, I don't know how much good it'll do, if any! Faqu's cell lowers, and he rolls into the ring, going right after Strutter, who has just pulled himself in after going through the tables. He sizes up Strutter, and floors him with a THRUST KICK~! COLE And a big kick from the FRESH Samoan Wrecking Ball! Faqu then backs into the ropes, and jumps into the air for a BIG SPLASH~! 1... 2... 3!!! COLE And "After Hours" Felix Strutter is eliminated! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ 1st elimination: "After Hours" Felix Strutter eliminated by: Faqu (pinfall) remaining: Sandman9000, Detective Tango Bosley, Brock Ausstin, Faqu, Colombian Heat (still to enter) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ Faqu then starts delivering chops to Sandman. COACH Well, Felix was the last man eliminated last year, and the first eliminated this year! COLE It was Bosley that did the damage, then Faqu came in and cleaned up the scraps! Faqu then traps one arm of Sandman, and executes a BELLY-TO-BELLY onto the cactus! COLE And Sandman once again sent into the cactus, by a big belly-to-belly suplex! Faqu pounds on his chest, as a bloodied Brock stands behind him, fist clenched, as the fans cheer. COLE Look at this! Faqu turns around, and is met with a right hand! And another! Faqu fights back, and it turns into a slugfest! Faqu, the fresher man, prevails, then delivers a big headbutt, then scoops Brock up, and executes a Samoan drop! COACH What about that, Cole? COLE There may be no stopping Faqu in this match! You may be looking at the new OAOAST Heartland champion right there! Faqu is proud of himself in the ring, as Bosley pulls himself onto the apron, wearing the chest protector. Faqu snapmares him in over the top rope, then traps him in the corner, delivering headbutts. He attempts an Irish whip across, but Bosley blocks, then pulls him back into the corner, and splashes him with the chest protector! COLE But Bosley, with that chest protector, able to do a little damage! Bosley comes at Faqu with martial arts strikes, then knocks him to the mat with a BIG roundhouse kick! COLE And finally Bosley able to take the Samoan Wrecking Ball down! However, Sandman sneaks up behind Bosley with a low blow! Bosley staggers around, right into Brock, who pulls the chest protector off and scoops him up on his shoulders... COLE Could be time for the F-Stunner-5~! ...positions him next to the cactus... COACH Oh no, not that! ...and delivers the F-STUNNER-5~!!!!!11111 COLE Right down onto the cactus goes Bosley! 1... 2... 3!!! COLE And out goes Bosley! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2nd elimination: Detective Tango Bosley eliminated by: Brock Ausstin (pinfall) remaining: Sandman9000, Brock Ausstin, Faqu, Colombian Heat (still to enter) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLE So we're down to three in the ring, and one still to come! Brock then waits on Sandman to get up, and scoops him onto his shoulders delivering another F-STUNNER-5~!!!!!11111 COLE And Brock hit it again! This may be it for Sandman! 1... 2... NO!!! Sandman gets the shoulder up! COLE But no, Sandman able to kick out, I can't believe it! COACH I'm telling you Cole, this guy's great! Brock questions the referee's count, then turns around right into a thrust kick from Faqu, which sends him tumbling through the ropes and to the floor! Faqu follows, and sets up DEATH BY SAMOAN~!!!!!11111 COLE Oh no, not this move on the floor, come on! However, Brock is able to get his arms free, then trips up Faqu, and slingshots him into the Chamber wall! COLE And now Faqu tasting the barbed wire for the first time! Brock immediately follows Faqu in and rakes his face across the barbed wire, then picks up the barbed wire chair, and SLAMS it over his head! COLE And what a VILE chairshot from Brock Ausstin! Brock raises the chair to the crowd, which cheers in response. COLE And you see the result, Faqu joins the other participants having been busted open! Brock picks up Faqu, and tosses him back inside, then hooks him, and executes an OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY onto the BARBED WIRE BOARD~! COLE And now Faqu's back getting it! Brock lets out a big yell, then turns around right into a lighttube shot from Sandman! COLE And here come the lighttubes! Sandman holds up a lighttube, then tosses it to Faqu, who is on his knees, then executes a YAKUZA KICK~!, sending it right back into his face! COLE Faqu with the lighttube kicked right back into his face! Sandman drops down and covers... 1... 2... Shoulder up! COACH Boy, I'll tell you, three REALLY tough guys in that ring right now! COLE And one more to come here in about a minute! As Brock works his way to his feet, Sandman grabs a ladder, and sets it on the top rope, then climbs up and grabs it, executing a LADDER-ASSISTED MOONSAULT onto Faqu! COLE Moonsault with the ladder! However, when he turns around, Brock slams a chair into the ladder, sending Sandman down to the mat! COLE Man, this just goes back and forth! Sandman rolls to the outside, and Brock slowly follows, hammering on his back. Faqu rolls out shortly after, and hammers on Brock, as Brock is double-teamed. Brock attempts to fight back, as the countdown begins. COLE Well, we're about to find out just how much Colombian Heat has for this match! His cell is about to lower! 10!!! 9!!! 8!!! 7!!! 6!!! 5!!! 4!!! 3!!! 2!!! 1!!! BUZZ~!!!

Our focus is on Sofa Central where Baron Windells, wearing a cut-off sleeved flannel shirt, and straw cowboy hat has taken a seat at the comfy sofa. COLE Folks, we are seconds from our next big match at Zero Hour, Mister Dick against Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan. And we're joined by The Lonestar Gunslinger Baron Windells! Baron, thanks for coming out here. BARON Hey, no problem. Always happy to shoot the breeze with you boys. COLE Mister Dick seems to have this unhealthy obsession with you. You beat him at Anglemania, and yet he continues to taunt you in interviews as well as in matches. BARON Jock's a kid who don't take to losing all that well. Some guys say good match and you go out and have a beer with 'em. But if ya beat Jock he holds it against for life. And the guy and I already had heat so that don't help neither. I just wish we could say let the past be the past and let's get back together and win some tag team titles! How does it feel in my arms? How does it feel in my arms? Do you want it? Do you need it? Can you feel it? Tell me. How does it feel in my arms? The already fanciful entrance stage gets even more dreamy and colourful with the addition of numerous dancers dressed in the skimpy outfits of some of videogaming's leading ladies. There's Chun-Li of Street Fighter, Blood Rayne, Samus Aran of Metroid among many others. As many of them tote weapons they engage in a sensuous, seductive "battle", often coming together for vampish and sultry embraces. Of course the center of attention is one Krista Isadora Duncan. Toting a half a million dollar briefcase, Krista is attired as the queen of videogaming, Princess Peach. The Lara Croft dancer, glides her hands around the beautiful legs that rise from white high heels to a pink mini skirt, as the Chun-Li dancer massges a slender torso left entirely bare by a ruffled pink tube top. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of thirty minutes! Now approaching the ring, she is a New York Times best selling author, a fitness queen, an inductee into the Hollywood Walk of Fame, tar of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos in addition to being the star of the VH1 reality show The Look of Love and the Angle Award winning female personality of the year, here she is the OAOAST's Miss Money In The Bank… "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KRISTA ISADORAAAAAA DDUUUUUUUUUUUNNCAN!!!! Huge gargantuan cheers follow Buffer's announcement, as the two dancers escort the beloved celebrity down the entrance ramp. The ramp perfectly matches the fun appearances of the stage as flashing lights of "HIGH SCORES" scroll up it, and the usual calvary of photojournalist is replaced by people banging away on their PSPs. Once Krista reaches the edge of the ramp, she tilts her blond hair back to let her tiara sparkle with rainbow colored lights and smirks arrogantly into the camera. BARON Jock and I once challenged Krista and Alix, and it was something to experience. You get kind of overwhelmed with all the pageantry and pomp. You feel a little bit insignificant almost. It wears on you psychologically. Long graceful strides carry Krista's legs across the ring apron, as camera flashes capture the photogenic starlet. The entire arena soon becomes bathed in a brilliant white glow, as she undergoes her trademark leg revealing third rope hang, sending a good portion of the audience on an emergency bathroom COLE Coach, don't you dare try to start saying Mister Dick beat Krista. Yes, he beat a team with her on it, but did he pin her? Did he submit her? No he did not. COACH I'm just sayin we should honor Mister Dick, because he's on the road to accomplishing something great. Real talk right here, fighting Krista is like trynna stop Bo Jackson from Tecmo Pro Bowl. But imagine if, to stop Bo on the real, you had to successfully tackle him 25 times on one run. And if he stiff-armed you once your little dude would just fly off into the sidelines. And even if you tackled him, he'd get back up again. That's what its like to fight Krista. MELODY (from the head set) Inaccurate. She's more like Mike Tyson from Punch Out, which is a 100 times harder than Tecmo Bowl. If you tackled Bo Jackson, or beat your buddy when he played as the Raiders, then that's an impressive thing, yeah. But if you actually knocked out Mike Tyson? Hell, you were the king of your neighborhood. She's even impossible in No Homo, I thought I had her beat with Zack and some guys in black suits came in and took my 360 away. Also serious mark out moment over Krista's entrance! Oh, hey, Baron! BARON Hey, Mel, how ya doing, girl? My dick parts the seas Your dick farts and queefs My dick- rumble in the jungle Your dick got touched by your uncle My dick goes to yoga Your dick- fruit roll-up My dick- grade-A beef Your dick- Mayday geek A majestic pyrofall rains from the heavens, sparkling with a beauty all its own within the sugary flashing lights of the giant arcade set. Walking through this vibrant torrent of golden sparks is much despised Mister Dick. He gets a reception worthy of someone with that name, a gushing of boos and damnation of his very existence. The cowboy hatted heel revels in the hatred, flexing expertly built body, that's barely dressed, besides the few threads of fabric that make up his white short shorts and matching crotchless chaps. At side stands the fearsome Malaysia, her deadly whip ready and willing to lash out at any who dare get in her way. BARON I never thought I'd her the day when a guy like Jock Mulligan could get boo'ed. But he changed his name, his personality, and his look, and the fans changed with him. I thought we could put this aside by now, but I don't know who this man is. BUFFER And the opponent, being accompanied by Malaysia Nerdly! He hails from San Antonio, Texas, and is a former OAOAST One and Only world tag team champion! He stands six foot four and weighs two hundred thirty eight pounds, he is The Human Hard On....MISTER DICK! COACH Yo, Buff daddy, practice adding "the only person to ever beat Krista one on one! MD bout to be one of three people to ever pin Krista period. Ned, Mister Moneymaker and Marcellus Wallace have all done the impossible. COLE One of those names does not belong. As Mister Dick's white boots strut down the entrance ramp, Krista's heels are carrying her up it just as fast as they can. Even with the sound of the heels clicking off the steel and the gigantic scream of the Clevelanders Mister Dick somehow fails to notice her approach. This is to his misfortune as Miss Money In The Bank leaves him grounded and wounded with a dashing spinning wheel kick! COLE That's one way to start a match! "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" chants the Quicken Loans Arena, as the beach bunny shreds at MD's dark skin with vicious stomps. Mister Dick begs for mercy, for a time out, for a ceiling fixture to fall and crush Krista. Anything to stop from being driven through the stage by her pumps. COACH Malaysia, home girl, get on ya grind and do something! Malaysia, who enjoys pain no matter who the victim is, finally snaps free of her lusting trance and springs into action. Unexpectedly, (or expectedly depending on how you think of Malaysia) the dominatrix keeps her deadly whip sheathed. With stunning docility, she slowly walks around Krista, eying her with a tender kindness. Krista trembles as she feels Malaysia's hand touch her bare stomach. Her hand feels warm and commanding and eyes are flaming with intensity as they penetrate Krista. Slowly, she drags her fingers down her back, her buttocks, and her legs from one side to the other and back again. With each stroke Krista archs away less and less and eventually begins groaning and arching toward Malaysia's carefully placed fingers. Her heavy breath comes loaded with desire, her lips are parted, and her head lulls to one side. By now every nerve in her skin is screaming for attention and her hips were rolling around subconsciously. COLE Oh my. Thinking Krista enamored with the touch of the muscle goddess, The Cocky Prick seeks to batter her with a running shoulder tackle. Unfortunately the giant sized image of him on the video screen gives him away, and Mister Dick barrels through Malaysia after Krista hops out the way! "OOOOOOOH!" BARON Ya play with fire and sometimes you're gonna get burned. I taught you that, Jock! Only slightly apologetic for his gross misdeed, a sneering Mister Dick turns to pepper KID with furious fists. But before he can even get one punch off, Miss Money In The Bank his lacing her perfect pins around his legs and bringing him to the ground courtesy of a drop toe hold! The audience cackles with a pure delight as they watch the arrogant stud smack his handsome face off the steel ramp. Mister Dick has little time to fret over his playgirl worthy looks, as his playboy worth enemy has returned to battering him with stomps! "I don't want to have all the fun here." She complains. "Someone here has to be mad about something, you live in the midwest for goodness sakes you're born bitter. Tell me and I'll talk it out on Jock. It'll be depressing for me to do, but I will survive." A fan in a Derek Anderson jersey speaks up, "My cousin smashed all my Three's Company hand painted figurines with a Croquet mallet." "This is for Jack Tripper! *STOMP* And this is for Janet! *STOMP* And this is for Chrissy! *STOMP* And this for Mister Furley! *STOMP* And this is for Mister Roper *STOMP*!" Red welts rise up on Mister Dick's baby oil slicked skin, a sight that brings wide smiles to the faces of the audience. Equally overjoyed is Krista who scoops Mister Dick up by his curly brown hair and guides him towards the ring to inflict further anguish. Once she reaches the black ring mats she slings him forward, causing the Cocky Prick to slide halfway across the ring upon entry. Such a long slide is to Krista's detriment, as it gives Mister Dick time to regain his health. Thus once she enters the ring, The Human Hard on assails her with a parade of furious stomps. He clutches onto the ropes, and growls ferociously as his boots try to make mincemeat out of her tanned skin. "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" the fans sing, as Mister Dick pounds away at Krista as though he were beating on the devil himself. Finally referee Buzzlefoxer is forced to interject himself before he stomps the bombshell into nothingness. Not having much respect for the elderly, Mister Dick grabs onto his one eyed trouser snake and spits in the senior citizen's direction. "BOOOOOOO!" COACH What do you fools expect homie to do? Buzzlefoxer's horny ol ass almost cost Mister Dick a big match on HeldDOWN~! COLE Mister Dick has benefited many times from Clem's failures as a referee as I remember. BARON Jock's the type of guy born on third base and thought he hit a triple, I'm not too surprised by any lack of gratitude he shows. While Mister Dick and Buzzlefoxer have it out over his deplorable behavior, Krista exerts a large effort to reclaim her fleeting strength. She grabs onto the ropes for support, and takes long and labored breaths, not noticing that Dickzillia is now stalking her retreat. She does, however, become fully aware of his approach when he takes a menacing grip of her "LOVE" collar. As he tugs fiercely and cruelly on the rhinestone jewelry, she feels like he's making an attempt to choke her lifeless. This fear doesn't ease in the slightest as The Human Hard On drags her across the ring to the corner. When he reaches his destination, Mister Dick increases her pain by incredible amounts when he throws her face first into the turnbuckle posts. Watching her bite her lip and try to stifle her suffering fills the hunky Texan with glee and he celebrates by violently thrusting his crotch to the crowd. "NEEDLE DICK! NEEDLE DICK! NEEDLE DICK!" COLE Ah, memories of high school. Needless to say Mister Dick is none to pleased with the assault on his manhood and decides to take out his anger on his foe's face. Huge overhand rights rain down on her like meteor showers, hitting with thundering impact. The audience boos and jeers with every strike, but their furor only increase that of the temperamental brawler and he hits Krista with renewed vigor. She sags down to her knees unable to remain standing beneath the torrent of strikes. She at least his some time to breathe, as Mister Dick takes a moment to run his hands across his smooth well defined pecs to the delight of absolutely no one. Disgusted by the lack of crowd appreciation, MD again exercises his anger on Krista by hurling her to the opposite corner. She lands with a booming thud into the ring posts, and would've sunk to the mat in horrible pain had she not instinctively latched onto the ring ropes. COLE Krista's in fantastic shape, no doubt, but we all know her actual wrestling focused training is a bit lacking. So, you have to think that maybe wrestling three matches in the span of a few days has worn on her. We know she had a match at SWF Genesis only a short time ago. COACH Already out with the excuses. Mister Dick has got her number! Mister Dick remains stationed in his current position, scraping his feet along the ground like an enraged bull, and smacking his ass like....uh someone who really enjoys being spanked. Which he does. Once he finishes satisfying his kinky fetish, the handsome hardbody blazes a trail across the ring. As he nears Krista his long frame leaps into the sky, and forces her to bite his giant dick! KRISTA COACH The Human Hard On hitting that corner crossbody block and forcing Krista to taste his 12" hard on. Go on, boy. Show these lesbians we ain't gonna play they games no more. That's community pussy, that's pussy for the community. You can't be withholding it from half the population like that. My tax dollars paid for that pussy! Coach's microphone is thankfully cut and we return to our slightly less offensive programming. Unfortunately the scene in the ring isn't any classier, as Mister Dick places a kiss on his hands and then violently spanks his crotch. "YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!" Through with masturbatory celebrations, Mister Dick turns around to resume his thrashing of Miss California. Problem is the golden stater is well recovered, very angry, and closing in on him at a mile per second. Reacting quickly, The Human Hard On throws up his boot to snuff out her attack. But Krista catches hold of his shoe, and promptly whirls him around. Though facing away from her and somewhat dizzy, Mister Dick has enough ring awareness to trap her within an inverted 3/4th facelock. However, Krista snares him into a side headlock. Its the golden haired sex kitten that wins this battle as she leaps onto the top rope and spins around to strike him with a Stratusfaction! "UGGAAAASMOOGGGABOOOGAAAA!" my alternate interpretation of the audience going crazy. Next I will do it in German. COLE Mister Dick got dropped right on his head! BARON Heh. He oughta consider himself lucky he doesn't ever think with that head. If he ever thinks period. Sometimes I think he's the smartest guy on the earth, then other times I wonder how he survived out the cradle. Mister Dick rises off the canvas, his over flowing ego suddenly run dry. This loss of confidence forces him to resort to the oldest trick in the book, and he grabs onto his shoulder proclaiming a grvieous injury. Krista is, of course, non believing, and chastises the former Gunslinger, "I may be a pill popping, jet fuel sniffing, gin soaked narcissist but I am not an idiot." With that Mister Dick's shoulder is given quite the legit injury as she slams it across her shoulder in an arm stunner. Now his cries and curses are very real, but they're muffled when her arms coil around his head in preparation for The Blonds Never Pay a Cover (Side effect). But, Mister Dick refuses to be brought down by her famous hold and hoists her into the air for a back suplex. Despite the anguish rolling through his arm, MIster Dick keeps her aloft to taunt the audience with his impressive strength. This leads to Mister Dick's downfall as she simply twirls her body around and batters his noggin with another bulldog! The audience is absolutely ecstatic and offers Miss Money In The Bank a rollicking ovation. BARON There's a time for showmanship and there's a time for wrestling. I think Miss Duncan has figured out how to work showmanship to her advantage but sometimes Jock's still ironing the kinks out on that strategy. You gotta stick with what works, kid. I taught ya better than that. Mister Dick makes an awkward and unsteady rise off the canvas, hindered by his sore head. Due to his weariness, he's unable to stop the fitness queen from twisting her arms between his, knotting her right leg through his left, and tucking her head beneath his shoulder, and then... "Ah screw it! This is all complicated and convoluted. Its like the contract they made my mother sign when she decided to apprentice with Satan. Honey, if you don't mind I'm just gonna knee you in face. " Well, she would if she could actually find her way out of her unusual pretzel like entanglement. However, getting into it is far easier than getting out, and Mister Dick isn't in any rush to be free of a situation that presses against her billion dollar body. "Hey, Orville Redenbacher" Krista shouts at Clem, "Quit thinking about where you were when the first of god's plagues hit Egypt and help me out." Buzzlefoxer happily obliges Krista's request and attempts to peel her free of her odd predicament. The decorated military man actually starts out with noble intentions of assisting her. But while his memory and heart may be close to kicking out, his libido is better than ever, and he can't help himself but try to slide his hands towards her mouthwatering chest. COLE RIP Clem. MELODY (through the head set) [AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE]There's a heaven for a G.[/AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE] Gloriously irate over being molested by someone old enough to remember when the earth was flat, Krista finds the strength to rip away from MD. Then she levels her full rage on the pervy referee and launches him at Mister Dick! The Human Hard On uses his superior athleticism to leap frog the oncoming referee....and land crotch first onto Krista's knees! COACH No, No. Naw! That's like smashing Captain America's shield, or bombing out the Bat Cave, or confiscating Snoop's weed at the border. Mister Dick is thrown under a terrible spell of misery that reduces him to a shrieking mess. Krista seeks to reduce him to rubble by holding him inside of a front facelock for her Life In The Fab lane. But, Mister Dick avoids the twist of fate by placing a hand on her toned tummy and angrily pushing her away. Still handicapped by his searing pain, Mister Dick is able to nothing more than watch his enemy bounce off the ropes and ram her shoe through his skull with a superkick! "OOOOOOH!" Despite sounding as though Mister Dick just got shot, the attack fails to level him. Krista isn't overly bothered by this, though, and merely swings around her foot to slam into the back of his head! Joined by an onrush of cheers, Mister Dick's body timbers to the canvas with a loud thud. "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" Mister Dick rises inelegantly off the mat like a latter day Frankenstein monster. Fortunately for him the punches he aims at her head pack all the power of that mythical being and daze her enough for him to twirl around with his trademark discus punch. But as he faces away from Krista, the best selling author sucks him into a text inverted facelock. Immediately he tries to breakout her hold, but there's little he can do, and Krista lances a five million dollar leg across his neck, kicks the other five million forward and drives The Human Hard On head first into the ring to a huge pop! COLE For someone who flaunts an actual lack of knowledge for wrestling, Krista's done a brilliant job of targeting Mister Dick's head and neck with a lot of high impact moves. "Hey, Mister Dick, honey, do you mind calling a timeout for quick sec, I've got something that just can't wait." Krista reaches out of the ring and gets a microphone, "Hi, gang, I'm Krista Isadora Duncan. There's nothing funny about world hunger....well, I suppose there are a few hilarious things. When Maya was in 1st grade she drew a picture of the earth wearing a little duckie bib and holding a knife and fork and looking all sad because its plate was empty. And that's not ha-ha funny, I suppose, but its cute child funny and that works on a certain level." COACH What is she doing? COLE She told UNICEF she'd shoot a public service announcement for them, and if you're gonna do free stuff you might as well do it during something you don't like and don't care about anyway. "I don't hate many things. Besides Theodore Moneymaker, anti-semites, and guilt tripping holocaust survivors, I'm sorry but just because you didn't hide in shoe box like Anne Frank and got caught by Himmler and the boys doesn't mean I'm giving you my tickets to the Dodger's playoff games, grandpa! But, I hate world hunger...." As much as Krista may despise world hunger, Mister Dick hates being ignored even more. And so with a flaming intensity, he rushes at her with a Stiff Kick! But Krista gracefully leapfrogs his long and lanky body, and when she comes on her heels she offers the applauding crowd a cute little twirl. That simple spin further annoys The Human Hard On, and he swings for the fences with another discus punch. The Texan strikes out yet again, as Krista drops to the splits to offer a roaring crowd a peek her bethonged tush. She grinds herself against the mat, turning to Malaysia with her lips pressed into a seductive pout, as if to say "wish you here". This naturally mesmerizes the walking hormone, leaving him wide open to a kip up dropkick! The former tag champ hits the mat hard, but still makes it to his feet with amazing speed. That's of little consolation to him as Krissy's multi million dollar legs again batter his skull with a springboard double knee strike! KRISTA (respect to dudes who kno this, zack I'm talking to you, son.) Mister Dick lifts himself off the canvas, and Krista goes after him immediately letting her high heels savage his washboard abs. After she concludes tormenting his stomach, she blows him a kiss of death, then nearly removes half his teeth with a phenomenal back flip kick that connects perfectly with his jaw. Mister Dick is hurled into the ring posts, where the combined impact of that crash and the previous kick have howling in anguish. COLE Though I really hate to do something like this, I guess I ought to give Mister Dick his due respect. He's taken move after move to his head and keeps on coming. Yuck, I need a shower. Mister Dick stumbles out the corner, heading straight towards a foe waiting to pounce on him. Krista slides into her groggy foe, wrapping her legs around his body in a wheelbarrow position. She pushes up off the canvas, obviously seeking a bulldog. But, her hopes are dashed by awesome might of Mister Dick who shimmies her down into a full nelson position. The fans jump back with horror, all to knowledgeable of what's to come. The lone star beefcake fulfills their dreadful predictions by giving Krista a Pure Penetration (full nelson slam)! COACH That's first time in a long while Krista's been penetrated by something that ain't plastic and runnin on two double A batteries. "You like that Cleveland?" Jock casually leans over the ropes and asks the angry audience. "How'd that one look for you? You want me to try it again?" "PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK!" COACH Come on now, stay classy, Cleveland. Mister Dick smiles an overweening smile that could make literally skin crawl, as he hooks Krista's legs for pinfall... ONE! TWO! The Pure Penetration won't keep Krista down, and she lifts her shoulder off the canvas. "YEAAAAAAA!" Back on his feet Mister Dick puts the boots to Krista as she fights a near losing battle to get back to her's. He glares at her pitiless, and merciless, with the eyes of blood thirsty shark as he continues to assail her. On the outside, Malaysia's face twists into a wicked grin, showcasing the sensual satisfaction she gains from Krista's pain. "Could you crank on the waterworks? Malaysia get off big time when girls cry. Some kinda fetish, I ain't gonna judge it or nothin like that." he remarks as Miss Money In The Bank slowly crawls in escape to the corner. She reaches out to the ropes, hoping that they'll aid her in standing upright. But, still groggy from the full nelson slam, her hand falls well short of her target. She's left to grouse in frustration and titillate Malaysia with tortured cries as the Grade A beefcake hammers away at her with stomps. "LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!" "I wanna hear her squeal, Mister Dick! Make her squeal for me!" Malaysia demands. Her wish is Mister Dick's happily granted command, and Dickzilla drapes her throat first across the second rope. His large powerful hands dig into her bare golden brown skin, while he jerks her neck across the ropes almost as if it were a saw. The resulting squeals are precisely what Malaysia had been dying to hear, and she nearly falls to her knees from an orgasmic delight. Buzzlefoxer finally tries to step between Mister Dick and his victim before all the air is choked from her body. While that works in saving Krista from unconsciousness it earns old man Clem a threat that he'll being hopping home tonight on one leg because he's going to have his fake leg jammed up his ass. BARON That's a smart idea right there, Jock, threaten the guy that determines if ya win or lose. Sometimes I swear this boy makes as much sense as a squirrel with its head on backwards. Using her glimmering rhinestone collar as a leash, MD casually brings the starlet off the canvas. He puts a contemptuous grin on his face right before he jabs his thumb into left eye. Greatly injured by that unscrupulous play, Miss California goes staggering away, again needing the ring ropes to hold her up. Buzzlefoxer makes another lame effort to subdue MD's devious behavior. But, Mister Dick will hear none of it, and instead complains about her being able to try a public service announcement in the middle of his match. Once done with dressing down the WWII vet, Mister Dick returns attention to beating down Krista. He grabs onto her wrist in order to throw her to the ropes. However, the GLAADiator shifts her bodyweight and reverses the hold! Mister Dick hits the ropes, and comes back to leap frog the lowered head of his rival. When he returns from his second trip to the cables, Krista leaps up to tighten her arms across his neck. The Human Hard On instantly strives to push her off, but meets with no success and the covergirl drives his face into the canvas with a leaping reverse STO! "YEAAAAA!" Still needing to finish off her PSA, Krista regains her microphone, "Where did I leave off before I was so rudely interrupted by Rupaul's summer fashions. Yes, I remember. I hate world hunger. I'm not a violent, or cruel, or mean little lady. But, if I wasn't busy running a fitness empire, being on TV, doing spots in movies, I'd probably like to maybe murder world hunger. Like a serial killer of world hunger, but I guess serial killers kill lots of things and world hunger is only one thing. Hold on second..." Krista notices Mister Dick beginning to rise and bops him with her microphone. "What about a hate group? A world hunger hate group. Like the Nazi's, or the KKK, or Fox News. I'm just bouncing ideas off the wall and seeing what sticks, here, but what if we all, us members of the world hunger hate group, had banged crops like Joan Jett. Can you hold on a second?" Krista again bops Mister Dick over the head. Not because he posed any danger, just because she wanted to. "I guess I ought to wrap this up. If you're a gun carrying citizen, and being that you live in the midwest and are at a wrestling event I'd be shocked if you weren't, instead of shooting rabbits, or black people off your porch, how about shooting world hunger off the porch of the world. You wacky, racists you!" CRROWD There's no ovation to be had from Mister Dick, just a festering feral rage that launches him at Krista. But, Miss California still has her microphone and merely bops him for a third time. As Mister Dick hits the canvas screaming his pain, Krissy discards her microphone and rushes to the ropes. Her return, however, is hindered by Malaysia grabbing onto her foot. Annoyed, Krista turns a perturbed stare onto the meddling of the dominatrix. Malaysia does not have any concern for Krista's annoyance, only for the passionate hunger that the beautiful blond fills her with. Thus she satisfies her lusting by biting into Krista's ankle. Malaysia tremors with a delirious glee as her teeth feel the sweetened taste of Krista's soft skin. COLE Ye-ouch! COACH And ye-ah! Malaysia knows how to get down with the get down! Although it takes a painstaking effort, Krista succeeds in peeling herself away from her sexual aggressor. Leaving Malaysia to lick her lips and savor her pleasurable taste, Krissy makes a mad dash for The Human Hard On. But, Mister Dick used his partner's fetish to regain his strength, and as Krista approaches him, he grabs onto her flowing locks and hurls her over the ropes and out the ring! Krista lands in a crushing heap, a broken mess of leather and rhinestones that causes the front row audience to rise to their feet to check on the fallen megastar. COLE These Cleveland fans very concerned about Krista. COACH Can you imagine how her agent feels? "Hi, we'd like to book Krista on Regis and Kelly" Sorry, no dice, she's in traction. Mister Dick rolls out the ring with a new found confidence and swagger. This braggadocio motivates him to jaw jack with the audience who are none to happy with his treatment of Krista. As he continues to squabble with the sold out audience, his fists rain down on the top of Krista's head, magnifying the fans' venom. "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" Buzzlefoxer pleads with Mister Dick to return the match to the ring. His entreaties fall on deaf ears, and he and the audience watch in dismay as Krista falls into the steel steps courtesy of an irish whip. She scrambles away, heading towards the time keepers table to try and take a moment to recuperate. Mister Dick allows her no such thing, and takes a firm hold of the side of her head. She mounts only a weak struggle to get free of his grip, one that lasts only a few seconds before he chucks her into the ring posts! Blinded by a blurred vision, Krista goes scattering away before she finally falls exhausted onto the steel barricades. While the audience may be distressed at Krista's situation, both Malaysia and Mister Dick can revel in the peek up her short-short skirt her position allows them. BARON Jock's in his element where he can brawl. If he's going to pull off the upset, he's gonna make it happen here on the outside. Mister Dick lifts Krista into a gorilla press slam position. After incurring jeers and hatred from the audience, he simply dumps her stomach first across the guardrail. While she clutches the ribs that are being brutalized by white hot agony, Mister Dick spanks his ass towards a particularly vile segment of the front row audience. "PEA SIZED BALLS! PEA SIZED BALLS! PEA SIZED BALLS!" COLE What a guy Mister Dick. Spanking his ass to the very people that paid over a thousand dollars for their seats. Well done. MD latches onto her pinstripped miniskirt, and grants Malaysia one last look at the treasure that lies beneath it, before chucking her back inside the squared circle. Krista immediately gets to her feet, but can't do anything besides try and combat her pulsing headache. Its loud within her head, like she's trapped inside a giant swinging church bell. Mister Dick advances on her with a coy smile and then grabs her into a front facelock. He nonchalantly gazes out at the audience and waves them on, as if he were daring them to rush into the ring and wage war. As the fans are willing do nothing besides boo, Mister Dick shrugs his shoulders then hoists Krista into the air. He tilts sideways and then slams her into the canvas with a Jackhammer! "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" Krista lies on the floor, barely able to move, or answer Buzzlefoxer's inquiries into her health. At her side, Mister Dick knees with hands on hips and his usual cocky smirk on his face. Casually, he tosses an arm over her neck for a pinfall... ONE! TWO! Krista lifts a shoulder off the canvas, allowing the audience to sing a rapturous cheer. Mister Dick, however, bellows a tune of frustration aimed squarely at the senior official. BARON Too much hot dogging from Jock right there. If ya got someone like Krista in a bad way, you gotta take it to the finish line, don't stall out because you wanna gloat and toot your own horn. Taking advantage of Krista's still weakened state, Mister Dick blasts her with a cascade of rapid fire blows. The audience returns to singing their name, praying desperately she'll use their support to call herself upright. Their prayer's don't go unanswered, and the celebrity superstar slowly begins to find her footing. Alarmed by her unexpected resurgence, The Cocky Prick clamps down on her ash blond hair. But the feisty Californian summons all her energy to begin tagging Jock's muscle bound stomach with elbows. Mister Dick tightens his grasp on her hair, but Krista maximizes the fury behind her elbows and breaks away from her foe. With Jock stunned for the moment, the high heeled starlet takes off to the ropes. But as she skirts back, a recovered Mister Dick finally succeeds in hitting her with his discus punch! "That one was for you, Baron!" He calls out. Pain is written all across Krista's countenance as her comeback bid brought to a fiery end. Immensely enjoying this Mister Dick swaggers about the ring, before returning to Krista for a pin... ONE! TWO! Krista's shoulder comes off the mat. Yet there's little time for the audience to celebrate, as Mister Dick hastily hooks her into a rear chinlock. Now the audience must once again set themselves to the task of rallying behind Miss Money In The Bank. COACH Mister Dick stays making the haters mad! On his way to being the first dude to ever beat Krista uno on uno. Most of these niggas gotta go on a Batman Begins training mission just to not get sonned into outter space by Krista. Baron, I know you catchin feelings now! Krista's head is spinning wildly, and the blood pounds ferociously inside her ears. Its as if someone is trying to tunnel out of her skull with a sledgehammer. The ringing inside her mind is too much, the air Mister Dick chokes away too damning. Yet in spite of these obstacles, Krista exerts her every effort to win her freedom. She claws and tears at Mister Dick's arm, decorating it with red welts and ever so slightly weakening his hold. This change in his grip is enough to allow Krista to be able to slide upright. Though the hold is still applied, it can't prevent the GLAADiator from driving elbows into his midsection that hit worse than a gladiator's spear (and so fills my quota for gladiator puns). With worry lines sprouting across his face, Mister Dick tries in vain to keep hold of his fiery rival. But short of a vice grip, nothing is keeping hold of Krista and she breaks away to head to the ropes. She comes back to an angered Human Hard On, who lowers his head in expectations of a leap frog. But that's one trick that's been use too many times tonight, and Krista instead uses his lowered back as a launching pad to spring into the air. Quickly Mister Dick recovers to try and catch her with a powerbomb. However, Miss California's beach ready legs launch him head over heels with a hurricanrana! BARON I told Jock time again I don't like that move, because you're depending on your opponent to do one specific thing. With someone unpredictable like Krista its way too risky to take that chance. The audience is at its feet, spewing out frenzied cheers for Krissy's aerial stunts. The walk of famer, however, is grounded by a mortal exhaustion. The only saving grace to this is that Mister Dick is prostrate as well. "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" BARON The atmosphere here is almost like a state championship football game back home. Its wild! Here's hoping ol Jockie boy don't blow this like he did all those pigskin games! Referee Buzllefoxer not only remembers where he is after a brief Alzheimer's moment, but also remembers that he's supposed to count! "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" BARON Sayin you're the first guy to ever draw Krista one on one and ain't got the same ring as sayin' you're the first guy to ever beat her. Jock better hurry on up and make hay while the sun still shining! "FOUR!" "LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!" the fans sing at the sight of Mister Dick beginning to get to his knees. Their chanting grows louder and earns a positive result, as Krista starts to pick herself off the canvas. COLE Both wrestlers beginning to stir now. COACH Fool! Don't be callin' Krista no wrestler! I don't want your blood splattering on me when she guts you like a fish. COLE One wrestler and one celebrity beginning to stir. I didn't mean anything by that wrestler remark Krista, please don't maim me. I have children! Some of which aren't to embarrassed to acknowledge my existence. Both "insert title of their choice here" reach a vertical base at the exact same moment. Desperate to strike first, Mister Dick swings his muscular arm out in a lariat. However, Krista stages a fantastic counter, blocking his attacking arm with a roundhouse kick! Not only does it nearly rip his limb from his socket, but it sends him on a 180 twirl. Before he can even entertain the thought of turning around to face Krista, the sex kitten again afflicts his neck with a leaping inverted neckbreaker! The audience, on their feet, scream with cheers while Mister Dick screams with shrill agony. COLE Did you see that height on that neckbreaker? Mister Dick promptly digs his weary bones off the mat. He looks to Malaysia for help, but only receives a warning to "look out!". This warning comes far to late, as Miss Money In The Bank is already ramming his head into the ring posts. The Clevelanders rave in bliss as they watch Krista pummel the bigheaded (in more ways than one!) superstar. Mister Dick is clearly out on his feet, and unable to defend himself he can not stop Krista from climbing atop the third rope. "W-E T-H-E B-E-S-T! she shouts towards the fans. "WE THE BEST!" they reply. "W-E T-H-E B-E-S-T! "WE THE BEST! "W-E T-H-E B-E-S-T! "WE THE BEST! Perhaps Mister Dick might be able to enjoy the call and response or the look up Krista's skirt, if it weren't for the appearance of Alix dressed like a sexy Flava Flav (if there is such a thing) on the stage with microphone in hand. ALIX I wake up to get my cake up I'm out to grind *PUNCH BY KRISTA*
What can I say I'm a product of my environment *PUNCH*
Uh oh, I'm in the game watch me do me. Kickin these niggas, man, call this bruce lee *PUNCH*
Summer winter spring I can't forget the fall *PUNCH*
I still remain a dog A diabetic and all *PUNCH*
All I want is my paper I don't care what they say*PUNCH*
They stick their tongue out when they bow they head, cause.... "WE THE BEST!" the audience shouts and then watches with elation as Krista finishes Mister Dick off with a flashy dropkick straight to his face! Alix quickly retreats to the back, realizing she should've killed the mink first before wearing it as a coat. BARON Now is that what ya'll people call rap music? COLE What do you mean you people? COACH What do you mean you people? LOL TROPIC THUNDER! Mister Dick doesn't go down, instead staggering forward, aimless, dazed and with no inclinations on defending himself. This presents the perfect opportunity for Krista to clamor back to the top rope. Rather than take advantage of her rival's wounded state, Krista tries to invoke a cute brunette in the front row to take off her pants, "Merely as a preventative measure against rashes, I assure you!" she comments. Unfortunately, Krista's moment to attempt to dyke out the audience member comes with a heavy burden. No the girl is not really a man, its that Mister Dick recovers to lift Krista off the ropes in preparation for a gorilla press slam. Needless to say, his meddling greatly displeases Krista, and with considerable haste she scurries away out of his clutches. The very moment she touches down on the mat is the very moment her white footwear tears through his testicles with a booming field goal kick! "YOU GOT CASTRATED! YOU GOT CASTRATED! YOU GOT CASTRATED!" COLE That's the second time that happened! I thought he always wore a steel cup? What happened to it? BARON COLE You sly devil! As Mister Dick is hobbled by horrible pain that flares around his favorite muscle, Krista takes a tube of red lipstick out her top. She scribbles down a little saying in her neat cursive handwriting, whistling while she works. After dotting her i's and crossing her t's she shows us her masterpiece like Vanna White showing a letter on wheel of fortune. "PROPERTY OF KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN. IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO THE NEAREST DUMPSTER. THANK YOU." From humiliation comes pain with the WSDDDT! "YEAAAAAA!" COLE The Write shit down DDT! I have a feeling someone may be writing Mister Dick's name on the injured list with a concussion after all these blows he's taken to the head. COACH Mister Dick has taken plenty of blows to head in his life, dawg. Heh. Not that I've given any of them! I just like watching. Malaysia can see Mister Dick's potential for victory shrinking into nothingness by the second, while the possibility for a loss increases just as fast. Thus she climbs onto the ring apron to do her part to end the bloodletting Krista has caused. Whereas most men, much less women, in the OAOAST wisely give Krista a wide berth, Malaysia angrily dares the Los Angeles native on. COLE Krista knows something about Malaysia, from Jade's trials with her! Never known to back down from a fight, Krista cuts the distance between she and Malaysia with only a few strides. Malaysia rears back to hammer Krista with a her muscled forearm. But her arms fall in abrupt halt, and her face fills with shock, as Krista's hands go directly to her private area with a blue "ball" special. Malaysia's face sparks with with electricity, her knees grew week from the incredible pleasure Krista's treat gives her. But, Krista is more tease than please, and yanks her hands away just as quickly as she offered them. "YEAAAAAA!" holler the fans, who grow even more aroused by the image of Krista licking Malaysia's taste of her hands. COACH Mister Dick isn't terribly concerned over Malaysia's muddle. In fact he's rather glad for it, as it provides him with a chance to charge at the spicy pinup. Even with her back to him, Krista sees this tactic from a mile away, and as Mister Dick closes in on her she slides out the way. The Cocky Prick is left to crash into Malaysia, sending her rocketing off the apron. She hits the canvas on her knees, bellowing in vexatious rage. The audience derives much delight from Mister Dick's screw up, angering he and Malaysia even more. BARON Things are starting to fall apart for Jock. And if I know the kid like I think I do, his temper's gonna get the best of him real soon. Real soon being right now; with his rage clouding his thinking he cruelly shoves Buzzlefoxer towards his frustrating foe. Though Clem could've easily avoided her, its not every day a man his gets to feel up a hot blond twice, and so he takes the pain of the head on collision. COLE Mister Dick just shoved the referee! BARON What I'd tell ya? Though not hurt by Clem's sudden arrival, Krista is left terribly off balance. This makes her an easy victim for Mister Dick who boots her in the gut. Doubled over in agony, she can't prevent The Human Hard On from ensnaring her into a front facelock. He spits in the direction of the booing fans, and then lifts Krista up to spike her head into the canvas with a leaping DDT! The audience recoils with acute fear, worried that devastating hold may spell doom for Krista. COACH Brigham Young Cocktail! That's your move, Windells. He's pullin ya card, doggy! He's runnin game on you, son! He got you bitch made, bustah brown! Sharing Coach's sentiments, Mister Dicks looks towards Baron and flashes a cruel, and scathing snarl with his eyes narrowed into evil slits. He then hooks Krista's legs for an utterly pointless pinfall. BARON That was impressive, buddy. But, too bad ya just took out the damn referee! That is a bit of a problem, isn't it? Thus a highly agitated Mister Dick tries to rouse Buzzlefoxer with a few swipes of his boot. However, the referee remains grounded and Mister Dick remains fuming. As such he turns around to call for another official and walks right into a KIDology! The audience goes nuclear, cheering at the top of their lungs as they watch a KO'ed Mister Dick flop over onto the canvas. BARON Jock Mulligan, buddy, ya just got inducted into the church of KIDology. Hot damn! Krista hooks Mister Dick's legs, right as referee Charles Robinson enters the ring. COLE And here's the referee! CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! CROWD THREE! The audience launches mammoth cheers into air, celebrating as though the Cavaliers just on the NBA championship, probably because the Cavaliers will never win the NBA championship and thus they need something to celebrate. In My Arms adds to the festive atmosphere as Buffer rises to make his announcement. BUFFER Your winner, and still undefeated in one on one competition....KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN! Krista celebrates with a sip from a martini and a toast to her roaring fanbase. Mister Dick is certainly in no mood for celebration, and loudly berates just about everyone associated with this contest. COLE Jade beats Malaysia and now Krista beats Mister Dick! The Cocky Prick, on the basis of pinning Moracca thought he could be the win to finally beat Krista. Now he's just another notch in her belt. BARON Michael, its a good thing to have confidence, if he didn't he wouldn't have had the guts to go after Krista in the first place. But it isn't always good to have a temper. Jock gets riled up to damn easily, and it hurt him tonight. Big time. All he can do is learn a lesson and hope to comeback better the next time. COLE Great insights, Baron. Thanks for joining us, and we hope to see you in action on HeldDOWN~! BARON My pleasure, guys. COLE Folks, coming up next its The Heartland Chamber of Hell! OAOAST AngleMania VIII Indianapolis, IN TICKETS ON SALE THIS SATURDAY. MEET ALFDOGG, THUNDERKID, JAMIE O'HARA AND JERME GREY AT THE STADIUM BOX OFFICE!

We're taken to a quaint suburban home in middle america where a June Cleaver style mom is cooking breakfast while her young fresh faced son sits at the dinner table with a proud father beaming at him. DAD Son, you're eighteen years old now. And your mother and I are so proud of you. MOM Yes we are. So very proud of you. DAD You've grown up so much in front of our eyes, and today on election day, you can finally cast your vote for the president of the United States. MOM My little baby is growing up so fast! SON Thanks, mom, thanks, dad! I'm so excited about being able to vote! Its like I finally feel apart of this country, and that I can make a difference. Its just that my voice matters now! DAD Your voice has always mattered to us, son. Now go out there and show the world it matters to them! SON Will do sir! The son gets up and hugs his dad, and then his mother. They watch, gushing with pride, as he heads out the kitchen. He throws on his backpack for school, and with a wide smile heads to the front door, opening it BANG and is shot dead by Detective Bosley. Bosley turns to the camera and glares with a vile furor. DETECTIVE BOSLEY Don't vote. THE OAOAST HoldDOWN your vote campaign is brought to you by the Anarchists of America FUCK WHITEY'S VOTE