Patty O'Green

I am pushing this show to friday because I am sick as all hell. unless someone wants to post it for me, then everyone will kill you, but you will die knowing you did the world a service and posted HD on a thursday.

I can hold out no longer, I must give the people their feedback!! Riverwalk Battle Royal: When I did watch wrestling I used to hate battle royals to all hell. But for some reason I like em better here in the OAO. Maybe its because its more exciting to read “person tries to lift other person over the ropes” than watch it very slowly in real life. This was a smart choice for an opener, and I liked the use of so many big dudes. That had to be a super reinforced ring. Where might Brock go from here? My OAOAST history must be messed up, I thought Brock was once a member of the DA. He was in some stable though, I know that. Women's Title: Too cute skit with Jade and Alix! And that's the second time Alix has brought a live horse on television. Anyway, that was a really funny skit, and I can check off braveheart on my list of things to have parodied in the OAOAST. I love the Little Miss California nickname, also way too cute. Great show of heart and courage from Jade in the match, fighting on after her coach got the boot. Although, I don't know how much insight Alix provides, its nice to have a distraction. Very well written match, that told a really great story. The whole angle had the ultimate happy ending. A nominee for feel good moment of the year if I remember to include that award, which I won't, so remind me. All that stuff with Vinny, Tony, Biff, and the gang were pretty funny. Tony fretting about Jumbo's baloney tits was worthy of a serious LAWLing. I've always imagined the 85% of the roster not appearing on the show are either playing video games, getting hammered, or trying to score drugs. Alf has confirmed it for me! Baron Vs Mister Dick: LOL at the continued trials of the Rooster. LOL indeed. Mister Dick's been of my favorite heels over the last few months, who's gully enough to jizz on the next man? He's a really well developed character. I mean personality wise not penis wise. Good, quick, high speed violence in this bout. Baron picking up Jock and botching his chances for a victory (at the moment) really showed how intense this feud has gotten. HAHAHAH, tell me how my ass taste, you a fool for that one snaq o'meal. TLC: A shocker! I thought for sure Alf was gonna let Team Heyross was gonna go the way of GPX, but they're back and they've got gold and I bet tony's happy with that! This one was a breeze to read, quick, fun action a lot like the match before it. The difference being the spots were agile here as opposed to brutal and violent in Baron Vs Dick. I mean, they were violent, but it was a different type so to speak. Anyway, very cool spots here from start to finish, probably too many to list. Alf really had em going all out in this one. You have to wonder, though, is Reject's focus gonna be on Leon or on getting his tag title bag, and if its the former where does that leave ThunderKid. IC title match: Not only has Zoidberg's done a good job with the IC title, he turns in things like crazy ahead of time. One time homie sent me for a skit for a show that wasn't happening for two weeks. That's some dope ass responsibility and dedication by my man. He put in real solid work here. You could really feel the hatred between CMJ and JM right from the moment the match started. Just the type of moves they used showed how much they despised each other. The finish was awesome, and the feud can only get hotter from here. What could the DA have in store for us???? I think I might know, that makes me a god damn genius in my eyes. hey, no devil's playground match! Will Brannigan accept the bribe? Making Moneymaker his cousin was a very smart move by Tony, but the smartest was making him the 2nd largest investor of TSM, half the shit we do with Moneymaker couldn't be done if he wasn't an investor. Has anyone realized, though, that he's only an heir to the throne? He has no real money of his own, besides a trust fund, so if his parents say fuck you, son, and write him out the will he's well fucked! My match! Thanks to everyone who wrote something for the MITB tournament. Tournaments are fun! This one produced some pretty good matches and some first time contests, which was one of KC and I's goals. I think. Maybe it was. Ya know, it was awhile when we came up with the idea so back off! Enterprise Vs Usual Suspects: Somehow, someway, the handicap match got done. Much respect and much love to KC for stepping up and doing work to get it done. A ppv where the double mainevents are no shows ain't what's hot in the streets. I'm not sure e-fedding is what hot in the streets period actually, but you kinda see what I'm saying. and some of the graphics are broken. how nice. I will fix them! Great work, my darling butterflies. I will not pee on you while you sleep. That is your reward for a job well done.

We open the program not from Minute Maid Park, but with an aerial view of Reliant Stadium, home of the NFL’s Houston Texans. Inside a stage has been setup on a raised platform, the likes of which you’d typical see at a concert or political convention, with a "WELCOME SHAREHOLDERS" banner hanging overhead and Enterprise logo on the video wall. There’s even live entertainment courtesy of THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS who perform with the spotlight solely on them as the rest of the stadium is blacked out. COLE You are looking live at Reliant Stadium, not too far away from where we are tonight for HeldDOWN~!, where for the first time ever the Enterprise will televise their annual shareholders meeting. COACH And there’s no doubt Enterprise shareholders are a happy bunch following the big win by their CEO Theodore Moneymaker, Christian Wright and Abdullah Nerdly at Angleslam. I for one cannot wait to hear Theodore Moneymaker address the shareholders. COLE You would because you’re one of them. COACH I know a good stock when I see one. COLE And I know HeldDOWN~! begins right now! THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY LIVE ON TAPE DELAY FROM HOUSTON PRESENTED IN HD Those who didn't read the spoilers on the internet, thus denying us of our precious, precious ratings, settle down on their seat of choice just in time for Ultimate Victory to sing them into the most zaniest show on earth! We're taken into the huge confines of Minute Maid Park, home of the Houston Astros, and for tonight, the home of HeldDOWN~! Instead of the usual ballcaps, and jerseys that adorn the stands on gameday, there are shirts and signs that celebrate many of the OAOAST famous superstars, all worn by screaming fans who are eager to start the show. At ringside sitting behind a desk that's decorated by the zero hour banner, Coach and Cole sit comfortably on a plush leather couch. COLE Angleslam is in the books, ladies and gentlemen, and its time for the Aftermath here on HeldDOWN~! We have a new women's champion, new tag team champions, and a winner of the Money In The Bank tournament, and it also looks like The Enterprise have something expensive, over the top and completely unnecessary, COACH Keep your opinions to yourself! COLE Oh, please I don't see why they had to rent out an entirely new stadium to have a shareholder's meeting, when we've got a perfectly good one already booked. COACH Who said anything about renting? Theodore Moneymaker's uncle Rhett Moneymaker owns part of the stadium. Its a family treasure, like a sixty thousand seat vacation house. COLE I'm done trying to talk sense with you. Let's talk Krista Isadora Duncan, Theodore Moneymaker's archnemsis, the sole survivor of the field of sixteen and claiming her Money In The Bank opportunity in Angleslam. The OAOAST Backtracker is brought to by...the OAOAST, to extreme for corporate sponsorship. Or to pay our workers. ANGLESLAM 2008 "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" the audience is on their feet, celebrating Krista's victory at AS. COLE Now its time to crown Krista Isadora Duncan, Miss Money In The Bank. Let's take it to the stage. Our already fantastic and fancy entrance stage is made even more elaborate by its newest and latest decor additions. There are large walls constructed of metallic bars that alternate between flashing brilliant red, blue, and orange lights. Between these walls, stands a riser made of metal and highlighted by a similar light scheme. Gorgeous women, all dressed in evening gowns, and looking like they're all contestants for Miss America stand on the risers with large welcoming smiles. At the center of the stage stands a young woman with fair skin, blond hair tied into a bun, full red lips and a dress to match. Though she's unrecognized by the fans, she holds a microphone, and seems to be our host for the evening. WOMAN Hey, everyone, same old show, brand new face! The name is Melissa Nerdly, the newest Nerdly to grace your presence, and I couldn't be more excited to be making my debut in the home of baseball's Houston Astros! Even better, I've got an out of this world first assignment! Instead of standing backstage asking boring questions, I get to stand out here with a star that shines brighter than any one the Apollo 13 ever touched. I get to host the coronation of the brand new Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan! There's a huge pop from the stands in anticipation of Krista. COLE Krista beating Landon Maddix at Angleslam. MELISSA Houston, Texas, Minute Maid Park, please stand up and welcome the woman who stands tall above a field of sixteen, Miss California, Krista Isadora Duncan! The expected roar goes up from the sold out stadium audience as they get to their feet to hail the Hollywood starlet. As triumphant, Miss America style music booms in the background, the ladies on the risers applaud politely as any good beauty pageant contestant would do. In 7th heaven with all the prime examples of female beauty around, Krista struts onto the stage, looking as gorgeous as always in a shimmering beaded blue strapless gown. Krista is clearly a pro at the beauty pageant game, toting her MITB briefcase in one arm, and waving to her adoring fans with the other, and flashing a million dollar smile. When she reaches Melissa the two blonds exchange a quick peck on the cheek. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” MELISSA Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us for this magical moment in OAOAST history. At this time we have reached the moment crown Miss California the official and first ever Miss Money In The Bank. Wear the crown with pride and honor. Melissa is handed a beautiful, sparkling, jewel encrusted crown from a nearby stage hand, as one of the models from the riser's passes Krista an overflowing bouquet of roses. Melissa attaches the tiara onto Krista's head, not seeing her gushing smile, but certainly feeling Krista waggle her tush against her. That explains the smile. KRISTA Honey, don't worry, its a Hollywood thing, its what we do. BUTT grinding is the new black. Trust me, I went to graduate school. God, this is a lot different than when I did these pageants when back when I was a teeny tiny little alcoholic. I don't have my mother screaming “Second place? Second place? I didn't lug you around in my womb for nine months for second place, you miserable bitch!” And today unlike my first ever Little Miss Pageant I didn't also walk into a pole in front of the judges and have my fragile eight year old ego reduced to tears by my mother shouting "You horrible degrading rodent, is this what I raised you for? Is that you gift to me for giving you the gift of life?" Why did you bring up these terrible memories, Melissa? MELISSA I...I...I'm sorry? I didn't know? KRISTA You're a pretty girl, so I'll let you slide. If you were Terry Taylor they'd be trying to talk me out of using the pyro rockets to launch you into the next century. Now for my acceptance speech. Usually, people just tune into these things to see cute girls in bikinis. But, I'm not wearing a bikini, so I better find something poignant and intelligent to say. Normally, what I'd do is ignore all the jealous hateful stares from the girls my wonderful breasts just trounced, and ignore the urge to shake these wonderful breasts in their face and scream "In yo face, ho, in yo skank ass face!" and compliment them on a job well done. So, in that spirit, I'd like to compliment my every Money In The Bank opponent on a job well done. Like to, but I can't. I don't very much remember who I faced in the first round, the Undertaker knock off I fought in the second round believed I could shoot lasers from my eyes which is absurd everyone knows they're concussive force blasts not lasers, I fought Leon Rodez in the third, and I promised Jade I'd go every other month without finding new, creative, and hopefully mortally wounding ways of torturing him, so I have to wait three more weeks before I can deploy the homing missile Alix bought off the Iranian black market. A little pricer than the Hong Kong one, but we always leave with a smile on our face and a greater understanding of the teachings of Islam. MELISSA That leaves, Landon Maddix. “BOOOOOOOOO!” KRISTA Lil Maddy! Don't you dare boo my Lil Maddy, he was a real trooper. He gave me a run for my money...in the bank! Ha! See, I'm not just a pair of tits, I'm a pair of tits with a mastery of simple puns. Back to my Lil Maddy, he was a tough, tough matchup. Though I did bite his nose twice, force him to admit to be hung by his nipples as a grade schooler, sexually aroused him several times in front of his girlfriend, and then made sweet monkey love to that very same girlfriend back at my five star hotel, although that came after the match, so you can't use that to discredit his fine effort. MELISSA Three cheers for Landon Maddix? “LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!” MELISSA I guess I won't be asking any of you to sing for he's a jolly good fellow in his honor. KRISTA Proper etiqutte says I'm supposed to thank people, but being nice isn't my strong suit. But I ought to thank Theodore Moneymaker, for making this entire event possible, and offering up 15% of his shares in TSM making it even more joyful when I finally hit the KIDology on Landon Maddix. Theodore, have we learned nothing from the deaths of BIG and Pac? Let's stop the violence and increase the peace, my brother. I know you got a crush on me, but unless you're living some weird version of Single White Female, you don't attack the people you love! Its not a good look! I heard that on BET. Not a good look. Here's something that is a good look, though, thanking my fantastic girls, Maya and the new OAOAST Women's Champion...big smile!...Jade. I love em too pieces, more than any mother could ever love her kids. I probably would've gotten around to evisercating Landon with a nail file strictly on principle of him having a penis and me hating anything that happens to have that buddah forsaken object. But, when he and his gang of immigrants allowed into this country by the republican's hypocritical immigration policy attacked me, I knew I had to strike back as an example for my daughters. What if Maya was on the playgrou...actually, Maya's a bit of a bully on the playground, and would most likely gather up the immigrant groundskeepers to attack anyone who dare says Joe Jonas is hotter than Zack Effron, must be from her father's side, Duncan girls are as sweet and charming as they can be. And if Jade is on playgrounds at her age...then well that must be from her father's side also, because have you seen any of Leon's movies? Who knows what twisted shit the Rodez are into, when they aren't on camera and bound to the United States laws prohibiting bestiality. Melissa tries her very best to erase any images of bestiality from her mind. KRISTA How did I wrap these things up? Oh, yeah, I got it now. In closing, I will represent the true spirit of the American dream within the OAOAST. I will do as little work as possible, while demanding as much money as possible, and then complain about my unfair work to pay ratio as much as possible. I will not cash in my world title shot, unfairly and unjustly, taking advantage of the world champion's possibly life threatening injuries, hopefully life threatening injuries, better be life threatening injuries, after a hard fought match. I will wait until he's hit by a truck, or bus, or if Alix's time machine ever gets going a T-rex ridden by Eleanor Rosevelt and Janis Joplin, and after his family has a sufficient time to mourn his passing, I'd say a good two minutes, I will pin his splattered and or squished corpse for the world title. I'm not so hip on who the world champ happens to be at this very moment, because he and the number one contender seem to have been trapped in a time warp. Or maybe they said screw the biggest match of our lives, let's go see Tropic Thunder. And I can think of a few Ben Stiller movies I'd rather watch than wrestle for sixty straight minutes in a ring that is neither filled up with chocolate pudding nor a bikini clad team of Alix and her less chatty, less violence prone, less currently being monitored by government agents clone. Let's see there's Along Came Polly, Startsky and Hutch, Meet The Parents, Dodgeball, Heartbreak Kid, Envy, Duplex, Keeping the faith, Zoolander- MELISSA Madagascar? KRISTA I played an West African East Reef cone newt in that movie, that's right. Back to my speech, I will not use my half a million dollars to help out the poor, the needy, or the downtrodden. I will use it to buy myself two new winter wardrobes from Bergdorf Goodman's, even though I live in a city where winter weather is seen as often as a competent police force. That is to say never. That is my promise to you as Miss Money In The Bank 2008! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the audience sings as she happily waves her bouquet to them. ”My dick need no introduction Your dick don't even function My dick serve the whole luncheon Your dick, it look like a munchkin My dick size of a pumpkin Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin” COLE Mister Dick? What the heck is he doing? The strangest theme song in wrestling history brings out a rather large chorus of jeers from the boobirds. Their chilly reception certainly isn't warmed by the appearance of the hated Mister Dick, clad in a sparkling blue vest cropped to the chest, rhinestone encrusted black chaps, with white briefs, and a rhinestone encrusted hat, saunters onto the stage. The Human Hard On looks at the pageantry and smirks, as though he can't believe the OAOAST would go to such decorative lengths for Krista. KRISTA Freddy Mercury looks at that outfit and says “Not for all the cocaine in heaven” MISTER DICK Now Ain't this a hoot n a holler? I'll get to ya'll in just two shakes of a rattlesnakes tail. I gotta set something straight. KRISTA Honey, I don't think there's very much straight about you. MISTER DICK Woman, I ain't got no time for foolishness, see! Let the record show that Angleslam, Baron Windells did not beat me! No sir, he did not. Baron Windells could not beat dick if ya gave him a tube of baby oil and instructions in ten languages. KRISTA Are you gonna be long, because I don't see my therapist until next Friday and you're starting to induce thoughts of hurting myself and/or others. MISTER DICK I'm gonna be as long as I need to say what needs to get said. Baron Windells ain't nothing but a two timin', match stealin' son of a bitch! I am a legend in San Antonio and for him to do what he done did to me...that boy deserves the ass whuppin of his life. He deserves to get his ass whipped so bad that his next of kin gonna feel it! He deserves to get his ass whupped so bad his nasty mama is gonna feel it! But, he's got a yellow streak running down his back plain as the day is long, and he ain't gonna show when The Human Hard On is around! Baron, you ain't nothin but a coward, boy! And there ain't nothing I hate more than a coward! But believe me your day of reckoning is coming, and the Dick is gonna be up your ass like flies on horse shit. KRISTA Prison Rape looks at you and says “Damn, son, you gay!” MELISSA Tell me about it. MISTER DICK Ya'll don't understand what I'm trynna say here. Just shut your mealy mouthes, open your damn ears and hear me out. Baron Windells, as far as I'm concerned is a piece of crap! His mama is a piece of crap, his daddy is a piece of crap, his brother is a piece of crap, if he ever have any kids, they're gonna be little pieces of crap running around at the piece crap of family reunion, and I bet they're gonna be retarded to! “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” KRISTA Honey, that's lovely, and all, really it is, and I hope you done darn derr get dat done darn derr cow rustlin son of a monkey's uncle, but I'm not Baron. And thank god I'm not, I had a hard enough time fitting into this dress as it is. MISTER DICK I know good and well, you ain't no Baron Windells! And he's just one of many things I gotta get off my dick! KRISTA Honey, that's between you and a licensed care provider! Are you going to start talking about me any time soon? Because, the edges of this crown are very sharp and I probably will stab you if you don't. MISTER DICK I'm gonna start talkin about you right about now! I don't know what kinda magic you pulled, what kinda hoodoo voodoo doodoo crap you did, but somehow that daughter of yer's got the women's title off Malaysia. You may have paid off the referee, you may have drugged Malaysia good and well, but you better know this, my girl's gonna get her belt back at some point. Makes me so mad to think that she don't have it. You and yer little daughter, yer just like Baron, 'cause ya see- KRISTA Its odd, I don't see any flames, or huge red men with pitchforks, or Ronald Regan, but clearly I am in hell. MISTER DICK Shaddup! Fine, I'll tell ya why I dragged my ass on out here in the first place, when I should be backstage getting well deserved praises for my role in the Texas Bullrope match. This whole Miss Money In The Bank coronation ceremony, like its some damn beauty pageant, it really sticks in my craw! KRISTA Judging from that outfit, I would think you're probably used to having things stick in your craw. MISTER DICK I said shaddup! This whole beauty pageant set up is god damn farce as far I'm concerned! All I hear about everyday stinkin' day is the beautiful, and sexy Krista Isadora Duncan. I turn on TV and there's some queer looking freak on some entertainment show and there you are being praised to high heaven about being so damn hot, by a fifty pound eunuch who ain't had pussy since pussy had him! I read Newspapers and everyone of 'em wants to talk about how you cleaned up on the beauty pageant circuit when you were younger. I read Maxim and I watch VH1 and I hear 'em all say that you're one of the ten most hottest women in the world! Krista nods and turns to the cheering audience to say “Guilty as charged” MISTER DICK And I say that ain't bullshit, you're a fine leg of lamb don't get me wrong. But what is bullshit is that they, and the OAOAST itself, wanna ignore the hottest cut of beef on this here planet...The Cocky Prick...MISTER DICK! “BOOOOOOOO!” scream the fans, as some offer MD a hateful thumbs down. Krista, not surprisingly, has entirely lost interest in the proceedings and turns to Melissa. KRISTA So, Melissa, let's get to know each other a bit better. I always like to put a personality behind the young lady I'm about to sexually harass. What's your take on televised female nudity? MISTER DICK Woman, I am speaking to you! MELISSA I am okay with it, if its tasteful. KRISTA Hmmm...I see a fat guy with a faux hawk wearing a shirt that says “Swallow or its going in your eye” and a man who's no doubt a registered voter and has as much power over who the next president is as a Harvard MBA wearing a shirt that says “I shaved my balls for this”. I don't think television gets more tasteful! So, what do you say, Melissa? I know its hard for a classy dame such as yourself to take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people, but I have the solution to that problem, I'll take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people. “YEAAAAAAA!” the audience screams, growing louder as Krista makes a move for the straps on Melissa's dress. MISTER DICK Ain't nobody in here wanna see Melissa Nerdly's floppy farm girl donkey tities! “BOOOOO!” is the response MD earns from his fellow Texans, as Melissa reacts with a hurt frown. MISTER DICK Back to you Krista. Yeah, you're hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night, I'll give ya that. Yer the hottest celebrity in tinsel town. And ya got the awards and praises to prove it. But, how hard is it for ya to beat out some emaciated, skinny as all get out, Hollywood stick figures lookin like they're a missed meal away from vanishing altogether? These women yer competin' against, ain't got nothin on em, no shape, no figure, no meat, no hottness. They're so thin a strong gust of wind could probably blow em to Vancouver! You're talkin to 'em one second, you turn away for a quick bit, then you turn back and they're flying through the air like Mary Poppins! KRISTA Hey, those are my friends, you're talking about. Yes, I have friends. No, I don't keep them by my side by gunpoint. Only knife point. MISTER DICK And yer beauty pageants, that just makes me wanna have a good chuckle. You probably got a whole wall full of tiaras and sashes from all the ones you won, dontcha, Miss California? So you won a few Miss Teen Californias, maybe the runner up at Miss Teen USA. All you did was beat a couple of underdeveloped, flat chested, air headed brats! I seen beauty pageants before. You walk, you smile, and you look good, and that's it. And you looked better than darn there anyone, so congratulations on that. Congratulations on your Miss Californias, Miss Fitness USA, Maxim hottest woman, People most beautiful people, all that crap. But, I'm out here to tell ya they don't amount to a hill of beans in Mister Dick's book! You ain't never competed against the type of human being who keeps himself in the type of condition I do. Naw naw. One look at me and Michaelangelo woulda brought a sledge hammer to the statue of David because he woulda known the ideal man lies behind this flashy, sexy, perfect outfit! I walk into a city and I stop traffic well into the next state, people get out of their cars and stare for hours on hours like an alien just landed, because my beauty is out of this world. Heterosexual, homosexual, it don't matter what you are, I send your heart fluttering, and your jaw dropping, and have you coming out the closet as a devout Dickosexual. I am The Human Hard On and I turn everybody on. I am the holy grail of sexiness, a night with me is a night in Heaven's arms. You ain't never been put against someone like me. Someone that defies God's own laws of beauty, someone that exudes hot heated throbbing sex! Melissa makes a gagging motion behind Mister Dick's back, and the audience groans in annoyance with MD's unbelievable arrogance. MISTER DICK You might be able to beat Mister Ed in a beauty competition, maybe Mister McMahon, or Mister Potato Head, but, baby, you best pull in your horns if you think you can beat Mister Dick! KRISTA Listen here, Dickie, I was sculpting and toning this red hot booty, through hundreds of lunges, and leg extensions and Alix's extreme fascination with spanking, while you were out punching slabs of meat at Paulie's meat packing plant and chasing chickens with Mickey Goldmill, I don't know if that's what you wrestlers do to train, but Rocky is my only frame of reference so there ya go. Anyway, I didn't go through a week of not being able sit down without incurring horrific excruciating agony because Alix forgot the safe word, so someone like you could make it seem like kicking Eva Mendes' BUTT in the AskMen.com's “Best Hollywood Ass” reader poll don't stomp all over my two masters degrees from Standford, and your six packed stomach you probably got from my exercise videos. Hell, lord knows my bouncing boobs in those things are probably how how you got such strong wrists. COACH She means... COLE I know what she means! KRISTA I didn't win those awards because my competition was as strong as Vinny Valentine's chances of remaining employed past the new year, I won because I have a killer rack, and ass you could bounce a quarter off, beautiful blue eyes, great hair, a killer smile, cute dimples, and a voice so sexy I could talk someone into throwing their grandmother off a speeding bus, which sadly I know from experience, may that poor woman's soul rest in peace, and if I had known I'd shut down the 101 for five hours I never would've suggested it. MISTER DICK Then I guess you better prove it, little woman, because The Human Hard On ain't backing down from any word I just claimed. You can flaunt that T&A until the cows come home, but if you ain't willing to put it on the line against the guy that could make Ellen wanna hit it raw dog, than what everybody says about you don't mean nothing! MELISSA Then how do you propose you and Krista settle this? The Human Hard On grins with a mischievous satisfaction MISTER DICK A HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~! Next week on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! And, if yer so confident, that you're the hottest hottie in the OAOAST, you won't mind putting up that Money In The Bank briefcase. The audience loudly cheers such an idea, though most aren't enamored with MD's participation in the match, only his rival's. KRISTA Oh, honey, you can have the briefcase, it doesn't match anything I own. I just need the money, and the world title shot. MISTER DICK That's what I meant! MELISSA Krista, what do you say? KRISTA Slow the drunk train down, my southwestern ladybug, this thing had to be earned over a two month, sixteen man tournament full of the most grueling intense matches this company has ever seen, and you want me to put it up in a bikini contest that'd take about five minutes, or however long mass ejaculations usually do? Okay sure, why not. Bring it on, let's rumble, don't sing it bring it, let's do it, let's war, if ya smell what the Kris is cookin, don't turn your back on the wolfpac, I'm just a sexy boy I'm not your boy toy, best there is best there was best there ever will be, ooooooh what a rush, yo you dealin wit the x-factor, well its the big show, I'm an ass man, whatever it is you suck ass wrestler's say in this situation. I'm usually just amazed that you're capable of forming complete sentences, to actually pay attention to the grade school level content there within. Mommy, I speakey the big boy words now, I'm not so stupid! MELISSA There we have it- MISTER DICK One more thing, missy, I ain't gonna leave it up to the obviously biased and brainwashed fans to decide the winner! This is too important for that. I'm gonna handpick the judges, who are gonna prove once and for all, who's got the finest body walking this earth. MELISSA There you have it! Next week on HeldDOWN~! Mister Dick versus Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan in a HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~! Locking his eyes on Krista's chest, Mister Dick backs away with an expression of unimpressed contempt on his face. As his music plays over the speaks, Krista eyes him down with a strong disgust. LATER TONIGHT BOHEMOTH VS DETECTIVE BOSLEY TONIGHT! Rock Your Baby hits, and the lights go out. A purple light fills the entryway, and a haze fills the arena as Vinny Valentine walks through the curtains, followed by Biff Atlas and Tony Tourettes. COLE Tag team action coming up here on HeldDOWN~! Let's go to Michael Buffer! BUFFER The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall! Making their way to the ring, accompanied by Tony Tourettes...at a combined weight of 448 pounds...the team of "DISCO DUCK" VINNY VALENTINE and BIFF ATLAS...PANICCCCCCCCCCC AT THE DISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Vinny rolls into the ring and jumps onto the second rope, doing his dancing, while Biff complains to him about the haze. Sweet Home Chicago hits, and Jumbo struts through the curtains, followed by Deuce Deuce Bigelow. COLE And Vinny and Biff have got a big task ahead tonight, both literally and figuratively! BUFFER Their opponents...at a combined weight of 830 pounds...the team of DEUCE DEUCE BIGELOW, and JUMMMMMMMMMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Deuce and Jumbo make a lap around the ring, slapping hands with fans, then enter the ring and go to their corner. *DING DING DING* Vinny starts off with Jumbo, and they circle the ring. Vinny then backs off, and puts on a dancing exhibition. The crowd boos, as Vinny then challenges Jumbo to show off some of his moves. Jumbo urges the crowd to get behind him. COACH Starting with a dance-off here! Jumbo turns to his side, then points to his feet, and begins to do the moonwalk, as the crowd cheers him on. COACH Oh, what do these people know? Vinny won that contest easily! TONY I'LL SHOW YOU TWO FAT FUCKS HOW IT'S DONE! The crowd cheers even more, as Tony climbs into the ring, and shoves his cousin into a corner for no apparent reason. TONY WATCH THIS BULLSHIT! Tony goes into a horrible-looking Spinarooni attempt, then lays on the mat. He quickly rolls out, as Jumbo comes after him, but is intercepted by Vinny. Vinny delivers right hands and kicks to the gut, then attempts an Irish whip. Jumbo reverses, however, and floors Vinny with a clothesline! Biff jumps in, and takes one as well! COLE Clotheslines for everyone! Jumbo delivers one more clothesline to each man, then Deuce joins him in the ring. Jumbo and Deuce hold Vinny and Biff's heads together, then hype up the crowd, before driving their own heads into them! PATD bails out as Jumbo gets down, and Deuce poses on the second rope. COACH Not looking good for Vinny and Biff right now! Biff rolls back in for his team, and moves in, then ties up with Jumbo. He manages an arm-wringer on the big man, but Jumbo quickly reverses, then delivers elbows to the arm. Deuce tags in, and takes over on the arm. Biff drives in a knee to the gut, then attempts an Irish whip, but Deuce blocks, and brings Biff back in for a hiptoss! Deuce then lifts Biff in a bearhug, and drives him into a corner, where he then rams his face into the buckles as the crowd counts along! 1!!! 2!!! 3!!! 4!!! 5!!! 6!!! 7!!! 8!!! 9!!! 10!!! Biff staggers out of the corner, as Deuce backs up, then charges...but Biff ducks, and uses the momentum to backdrop Deuce over the top to the floor! COACH COLE Wow, that's quite a fall for a near 400-pounder! Deuce really hurting out there! As the referee backs Biff off, Vinny picks up Deuce on the outside, and rams his face into the steel steps! COLE And now Vinny continuing the assault on the outside! Vinny then rolls Deuce back inside, where Biff is waiting on the bottom rope, for a BOTTOM ROPE BIG SPLASH~! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout with AUTHORITY~! COLE Whoa, big kickout from Deuce right there! Biff then tags Vinny, and they team up to whip Deuce into the ropes, then drop him with a double clothesline! Vinny then positions Deuce, and hops to the second rope. Vinny does a little dance, before driving in an elbow! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Biff tags back in, and joins Vinny for another double-team whip, this time using a double elbow to floor Deuce. Biff covers... 1... 2... Kickout! Biff then picks up Deuce, and attempts a slam, but can't move the big man. Deuce fights back with right hands, but Biff uses a thrust to the throat, then backs into the ropes and hits ALWAYS WEAR SAFETY GOGGLES~! COLE Big high knee from Biff Atlas! Biff then tags Vinny, who climbs to the top rope... COACH Oh yeah! Time for a little Night Fever! Vinny leaps off the top rope for NIGHT FEVER~!!!111...but Deuce rolls out of the way! COLE But nobody home! Deuce scoots over to the corner, and tags Jumbo! COLE And a tag made! Jumbo floors Vinny and Biff with two clotheslines each, then grabs Biff and scoops him up, backing into the corner, and delivering a running powerslam! Cover... 1... 2... Vinny saves! Deuce grabs Vinny and backs him into a corner, and two slugfests commence in each corner, until the Burrough Boys are seen running down the aisle! COLE Wait a minute, here come the Burrough Boys! Luther and Mariano hammer on the back of Deuce, while Quincy and Waldo take on Jumbo. It's a 6-on-2 assault, until Denzel Spencer, Reggie Lamont, and Felix Strutter hit the ring! COLE Look at this, this is chaos! COACH I love it! A huge brawl has erupted in the ring, with the Can-Jam Connection attempting to fight off the Burrough Boys. COACH And there's still more people coming out... COLE ...uh-oh... The camera cuts to the aisle to catch the Deadly Alliance heading to the ring, each member toting a steel chair! TK slides into the ring, and slams the chair across the back of Deuce! Reject sternly motions for the Burrough Boys to leave the ring, as Alf brings his chair down over the head of Felix Strutter! Reject then drops his chair and drops Biff with the EULOGY~!!!!!11111 COLE And the Deadly Alliance wreaking havoc here! Sandman hooks Vinny Valentine, and drills him with the ARCHANGEL'S WINGS~!!!!!11111 Denzel and Reggie both take chairs to the back, courtesy of TK and Alf, then Reject sets up a chair on Jumbo's wrist. COACH Uh-oh... COLE What's he gonna do here, I'm afraid to ask? Reject grabs the chair from TK, then raises it up and BRINGS IT DOWN ONTO THE CHAIR! COLE OH NO! Jumbo's wrist could be shattered here! Jumbo writhes in pain on the mat, as Sandman stomps him to the outside. Alf grabs a mic from ringside. ALF This past Sunday, I was SCREWED out of the World title that I righgfilly won! That I pinned PRL right here in this ring for! And I want something done about that! So Josie, we don't leave this ring until you come out and do just that! As Jumbo is helped out by paramedics, Josie makes her way out to the ring. COLE The Deadly Alliance obviously with a lot on their mind here! Josie climbs inside, and grabs her own mic from the table. ALF You know why I'm out here. What happened last night was not right. It was a miscarriage of justice. I should be the World champion as we speak. And now, because of YOU, I'm out the title, and out my golden ticket! What is it, Josie? Is it because the Deadly Alliance poses too big of a threat to your friend, Theodore Moneymaker, and his Enterprise? Is that it? But fear not, because Sandman here has offered to sign over his golden ticket to me. COACH Wow! JOSIE Sandman, is that true? Sandman nods. ALF And I'd like to cash in this favor right now...and book a match for the World title between myself and Tha Puerto Rican at Zero Hour! *crowd cheers* JOSIE Are you sure this is what you want? ALF Absolutely. JOSIE Then so it will be. At Zero Hour, the main event will feature the World champion, Tha Puerto Rican, defending his World Heavyweight championship, against the former two-time champion, Alfdogg! *crowd cheers* COLE What a HUGE announcement for Zero Hour! ALF Now...let me tell you something PRL. You can't duck me anymore! This is MY ticket, this match is MY choice! So now...at Zero Hour...you have no choice but to come out of your hiding place, and step into the ring with Alfdogg! JOSIE Well, that's all well and good, but while I'm out here, I have another big announcement to make! Sandman, I know you were upset you were left off the card at AngleSlam! So, I've decided to give you something out of this! At Zero Hour, Sandman9000 will defend his Heartland title...against five other opponents. COLE What? JOSIE Inside a 24-foot high steel cage, wrapped in barbed wire! The crowd starts to buzz, as they know where Josie is headed. JOSIE With any diabolical weapon at your disposal! That's right, at Zero Hour, the fans of the OAOAST will witness the fourth annual Heartland Invitational Chamber of Hell! The crowd goes crazy, as Sandman cracks a smile on his face. COLE Oh my! COACH And Sandman likes the idea of that! JOSIE As for your opponents, I've yet to determine them. However, I promise an answer to that question next week on HeldDOWN~! REJECT OK, now that you've taken care of Alf and Sandman...it's our turn. You see, that was wrong how you stuck Team Heyross into that TLC match on such short notice. Reject pulls out a book. REJECT And after lengthy research...we've found that the OAOAST rulebook agrees with us. Reject shows Josie the article, and Josie shakes her head. TK I believe Team Heyross has something that belongs to us. COLE I don't like the sounds of this, Coach. COACH I do! TK and Reject are right, and the rulebook doesn't lie! JOSIE Well...in light of recent events, I'd like to ask that Team Heyross come out to the ring. COACH Shine plays, and Team Heyross slowly walks down the aisle, with the belts around their waists. COLE This is very unfortunate, if this is what I think it is. Team Heyross climbs into the ring. JOSIE Boys...I'm sorry. It appears after reading this article in the OAOAST rulebook, I failed to give the champions proper notice that they had a new opponent. I have no choice but to ask that you remove the belts. The crowd boos, as Team Heyross looks at one another, then slowly removes the belts, their heads hanging, and hands them to Josie. JOSIE However, it is within my authority to determine that since Team Heyross did win fair and square at AngleSlam, they have just as much right to these belts as do Thunderkid and Reject! Therefore, it is my decision that the World tag team titles are now held up... Reject and TK start to question Josie, who warns the to back off. JOSIE And tonight, right here in this ring, you will see a tag team main event. We will crown NEW World tag team champions right here tonight, as Thunderkid and Reject, square off against Team Heyross! *crowd cheers* Team Heyross exits the ring, followed shortly after by Josie, leaving the DA to take in everything that just went down. COLE Some HUGE developments made in that ring! PRL vs Alfdogg! The Chamber of Hell! New tag team champions to be crowned, right here tonight!

COLE OK, we're ready to hopefully get this tag team title picture resolved, once and for all! Let's go to the ring, and Michael Buffer! *DING DING DING* (slow and dramatic) BUFFER LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen...this, is our tag team attraction of the evening! *crowd cheers* BUFFER This past Sunday at AngleSlam, Team Heyross made a shocking return to the ring, and captured the World tag team titles! However, controversy reigned here earlier tonight, resulting in the titles being held up! Right now, former champion, prepares to meet former champion, to crown a NEW tag team champion of the WORLD! ARE YOU READY? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Houston, Texas...ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUUUUU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? *crowd cheers* BUFFER Then for the thousands in attendance here in the Astrodome...and the millions and millions watching around the world...there's only one thing left to say. Ladies and gentlemen...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET RRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! by Kansas hits, and the arena fills with boos as the lights go out. Yellow light and smoke fills the entryway, followed by Thunderkid & Reject making their way to the ring. COLE And here come the team that went into AngleSlam with the belts, the first time since then they go into combat without them around their waists! BUFFER Coming to the ring at this time...weighing at a combined weight of 480 pounds! Tonight, they look to reclaim the titles which they claim were unfairly taken at AngleSlam. Ladies and gentlemen...representing the Deadly Alliance...THHHHHHHHHHHHHHUNDERKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEE EEEEEECT!!!!! COACH That's more than a claim, that's truth! Josie had no right to throw Team Heyross into that match on such short notice! COLE And it's because of that oversight, that the belts are now held up and we have this match! Reject and TK enter the ring, and prepare in the corner, as Shine by Collective Soul hits, and the fans go crazy for Team Heyross, as they walk through the curtain, letting their pyro explode behind them. COLE And they'll have to go through these two, making their return to HeldDOWN~!, to get them back! BUFFER Their opponents...at a combined weight of 485 pounds! Their titles were taken from them here tonight...but this match provides them an instant chance for redemption. Ladies and gentlemen...here are CHARLIE MOSS and QUENTIN BENJAMIN...TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! COLE And Team Heyross is ready for action! Team Heyross runs the rest of the way to the ring, and slides in, trading blows with TK and Reject! *DING DING DING* Team Heyross gets the better of the exchange, and TK & Reject quickly bail out. After a brief strategy discussion, Reject climbs into the ring, with TK getting in the corner. Benjamin starts for Team Heyross, and he circles the ring with Reject, then ties up. Reject goes behind, but Benjamin quickly reverses, then takes him down to the mat! COLE Nice amateur takedown by Quentin Benjamin! Reject slips out, then goes behind again and attempts to apply a hammerlock. Benjamin does a somersault on the mat to escape, but Reject catches him with a foot to the gut, then traps him in a side headlock. Benjamin backs him into the ropes, then shoves him across. Benjamin drops down, then leapfrogs Reject, before catching him with a hiptoss! Reject charges again, but gets caught with an armdrag! Benjamin then bars the arm, and pulls him into the corner, where he tags in Moss. COLE First tag of the match, to Charlie Moss! Moss takes over, and backs Reject into the corner, delivering some kicks to the gut, then brings him out and attempts an Irish whip. Reject reverses, but puts his head down, and Moss attempts a sunset flip! Reject drops to his knees... 1... 2... Moss lifts his legs, and pulls Reject over... 1... 2... Kickout! Reject kicks Moss in the gut, then backs him into a corner, and delivers a CHOP~! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! And another! Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Reject then makes the tag to TK, who comes in and takes over with European uppercuts. He then scoops him up for a slam, but Moss slips behind and executes a reverse sunset flip! 1... 2... Kickout! TK catches Moss with right hands, but Moss delivers a knee to the gut, followed by a gutwrench suplex! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Moss picks up TK, then whips him into the ropes, backing up himself, then catching him with a flying back elbow! COLE And Charlie Moss has got it going! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Moss grabs a side headlock, but TK backs him into the ropes, then shoves him across. TK drops down, and Moss hops over...then catches a knee to the back from Reject! COLE And Reject with a cheap shot from the apron, turning the tide in this one! Reject tags in, and both he and TK stomp away briefly on Moss. Reject then goes over and draws Benjamin into the ring, allowing him and TK to choke Moss on the top rope. COACH Nice double team work by TK and Reject here, and a mistake by Quentin Benjamin! Reject sets up a suplex on Moss, but Moss counters to a small package! 1... 2... Kickout! Reject delivers a double axhandle to Moss on the mat, then picks him up and executes a backbreaker! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Reject tags in TK, and they whip Moss into the ropes, catching him with a double clothesline! To follow up, they each grab a leg, and execute a wishbone! COLE And TK and Reject making a wish with Charlie Moss! TK stomps away on Moss, then picks him up and executes a PRESS SLAM~! Cover... 1... 2... Kickout! TK then tags in Reject, who signals for the end, then locks Moss in the R-LOCK~!!!!!11111 COACH Whoa, this is it! COLE Reject with the R-Lock on Charlie Moss! He could bring back the belts right now! However, Benjamin quickly comes in and floors Reject with a clothesline! COACH Get him out, ref! COLE And Quentin Benjamin saving the titles right there! Reject tags TK back in, and TK runs over and knocks Benjamin off the apron, then lifts Moss in a hangman's hold. COLE But TK and Reject still looking for the kill here! Reject measures Moss, then lays in a roundhouse kick! TK covers, but the referee is still distracted with Benjamin. COLE We got a cover in the ring here... COACH Turn around, ref! The referee turns around and counts... 1... 2... Kickout! TK gets up and argues with the referee. COLE That was his own fault, he's the one who went and knocked Benjamin off the apron! TK then hooks Moss in a front facelock. COLE Could be the Thunderbolt DDT coming up here! TK lifts Moss up, but Moss kicks his legs, and comes back down, then executes a swinging neckbreaker! COLE Beautiful counter by Charlie Moss, and now he must tag! Moss inches towards his corner, but TK grabs his leg. Reject attempts to come in and stop Moss, but is intercepted by the referee, as Moss breaks the grip of TK, and makes the tag to Benjamin! COLE Tag made, but I don't think the referee saw it! The referee turns around, and forces Benjamin out of the ring, as TK picks up Moss, and hooks him for Reject, who runs to the ropes...but Moss moves out of the way, and Reject hits TK with a spinning wheel kick! COACH Oh no! Moss scoots over to the corner, and MAKES THE TAG! COLE And now the tag is made! Benjamin comes in, and delivers clotheslines to Reject and TK! He then hits a superkick to TK! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Shoulder up! Benjamin then goes to the top rope, waits on TK...and hits a flying clothesline! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Shoulder up! COLE TK in big trouble here! Benjamin whips TK hard into the corner, then as he bounces out, attempts a hurricanrana! However, TK blocks, and carries him over to the ropes, and attempts to dump him, but Benjamin holds onto the headscissors, and both men spill over the top to the floor! Reject is the only man left in the ring...which is perfect timing for LEON RODEZ to slide in and attack! COLE HEY! COACH What the hell is this?! COLE It's Leon! Leon Rodez getting him some of Reject! Leon tackles Reject to the mat, and batters him with right hands on the mat, as Reject tries to cover up, then slides outside and grabs a steel chair. As Leon slides in, the referee turns around, just in time to see Leon CRACK Reject over the head with the chair! Leon raises the chair, as the referee calls for the bell! *DING DING DING* COLE And there's the bell! As Reject slowly rolls to the outside, Leon gets one more shot in to the back and shoulder, then TK pulls him the rest of the way out. COACH Wait a minute, Cole, do you realize what this means? The referee talks with Michael Buffer, as Team Heyross climbs back into the ring. COLE I'm not sure Leon realizes what he just did here... BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen...due to outside interference by Leon Rodez...the referee has disqualified Team Heyross! The winners of the match...and NEWWWWWWWWWWWW tag team champions of the WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD...THHHHHHHHHHHHHHUNDERKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIID and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEJEEEEEEEE EEEEEECT!!!!! COACH YES~! The referee hands the belts to TK and Reject on the outside, as Team Heyross puts their hands on their heads in the ring. Leon then suddenly realizes the consequences of his actions, as he runs his hand through his hair, while TK gives Leon mock applause and thanks on the outside, before holding his belt in the air, and backing down the aisle, as he holds Reject up with his other arm. COLE What a shocking turn of events here on HeldDOWN, as Thunderkid and Reject, due to an inadvertent assist from Leon Rodez, have regained the World tag team titles! Folks, we're out of time, for the Coach, I'm Michael Cole, see you next week! Leon exits the ring, as Team Heyross looks on in disbelief. FADE TO BLACK

The Rodez-Duncan party is still jumpin' off backstage with Rhianna's Disturbia blasting in the background. Such loud music causes a martini toting Krista Isadora Duncan to have to strain to hear the nervous, unsure voices of D*LUX. Anxious and excited from her presence, they avert their gaze from their famous crush. SHAYNE Miss Krista uh...hmmm....what did you think of our performance in the TLC match? TYLER Please be honest. Your opinion means so much to us. KRISTA Isn't that really Leon's field of expertise? His only field of expertise. Besides spectacularly and hilariously failing at every single thing he attempts, which he is in fact, quite the practiced expert at! The high chief of being shitty at life, if you will. TYLER He's busy with In Crowd things. SHAYNE And yelling at Maggie on the phone in front of everyone. Tyler glares at Shayne, but Shayne couldn't care less, noticing Krista's smile and being more than eager to divulge more dirt. TYLER Plus honestly...we'd rather your opinion, Miss Krista. KRISTA Oh, honey, I didn't watc.....(Krista notices their saddened expression) want you to know how fabolous I thought you were, because its so embarrassing. I was at my gym with one Miss Kate Hudson, and she looked at these ten million dollar beauties and said "Krista, your legs looked fantastic at Angleslam. How ever can I get them?", and I laughed my wonderful charming laugh that drives everyone crazy, and I told her they're a gift from god, somebody say amen! And, don't worry this relates to you somehow, I just need to talk about myself to keep from falling into a coma and choking on my own vomit. Then Kate said, but that skirt you had on, made them look even better. And I laughed my wonderful blah blah blah laugh and I said I wore that number just to celebrate Tyler and Shayne's performance in the whatever match you were in. The New York Times called it a breathtaking work that untangles the soul of man. Well, I suppose they would if they reviewed obscure wrestling matches and not reported on elections, and wars, and terrorism and all that boring crap. I liked it though. D*LUX's mood instantly brightens, and they smile so widely its as if kind words from Krista are even better than winning the match itself. They're reading to ask more questions, but before they can speak they're interrupted by Alix Maria Spezia. ALIX Hey-ya, kiddies, do ya mind if I borrow my pretty-pretty GF real quick? SHAYNE By all means, Miss Alix. Have a great day, Miss Krista! And if you want a full summary of Leon's convo with Maggie, I'm your man! Maybe we can have discuss it over coffee and a bagel tomorrow morning? TYLER Or I can tell you about it over cappuccino and my mother's homemade blue berry pancakes. ALIX Ally said Hey-ya now's she's saying Bye-ya! Shayne and Tyler depart with a polite nod, leaving Krista alone with Alix, and her martini. KRISTA Thank you so much for rescuing me, sweetheart, I thought I was going to have the analyse the subtle nuances of using a chinlock in a Tender Love and Care match. That's a fairly stupid concept for a match, but then again this is the company that let a three hundred pound abmonation against natural genetics threaten the most evil beast to ever crawl out satan's womb, and then got shocked when she accused him of rape. ALIX Heh, yeah, so movin on from my ex maybe getting raped or maybe not getting raped, remember how I nag you everyday of your life to propose to me? Well, yeah, today is another day of your life... KRISTA Don't remind me, I forgot to take my anti depressants again. ALIX Well, Ally is the only anti dep...depr....depos...depro..So like, propose to me and stuff! Let's get married! Why should Republicans and teenage whores be the only ones doing it? We're democrats and adult whores, let's kick the system in its underage right wing tushy! KRISTA (looking around at the other party goers) We're in a room with flamboyant queens dressed in pink leather and a massive bear with flame tattoos on his head wearing a nipple revealing leotard, only Andy Dick hyped up on copius amounts of ecstasy could possibly find that to be a romantic envrionment. More importantly, so you don't nag me later, I don't think we're ready to get married. You know how I feel, sweetie. ALIX Uh-uh, no way! We're sooooooo ready! The extra o's mean we're extra ready! KRISTA I don't even have my presenter speech for the VMA's ready. ALIX Just lay a kiss on Madonna. Do it for all of us who wanna be like a virgin touched for the very first time! KRISTA I would but I'd hate to be turned into a creature of the undead like Britney. ALIX Krissy, we're hot, and hot people have to get together! Its like a con...cons...cont...consquential amendment or whatever, ya know like, oh my god, even the same laws apply in outer space! And space is really out there! Like, you know the sun, right? KRISTA No, I'm not famillar with the sun. Please tell me more of this mysterious object, oh wise one. ALIX Right, we'll he's like this big ball of like I dunno orange crayons or whatever, but they were like microwaved by god once, and then he made threw it at Jesus in heaven, but then Jesus couldn't catch because he's a Jew and you all suck at sports, so it went through heaven's window and out into space! And its like really hot! And then Mercury was there, and Mercury is like this really sexy Latina chick, nice BUTT, flat stomach, curly brown hair, great singing voice sometimes goes by the name of Alix, and she says "I gotta get with you" so she's next to the sun. And so then like Jupiter comes in, and she's a mega babe to, but she's a real project bitch, like ghetto as hell, right. Like when the Sun busts its gun, Jupiter is feeding the clips, so the Sun keeps her on the side. And then Earth is there, and Earth is like a solid 8, retaining some water, and has this screwed up disease called humanity, but it can't spread so its cool for a hook up. And all the way at the end there's Pluto, and he's like this skinny, short, pale, little english dude, who wears this stupid looking doo rag, and jumps around and gets his BUTT kicked a lot, and he's ugly and he sucks. JAMIE O'HARA ALIX Not you, dude, you're awesome! Whew, great save, huh? I'm the awesome one! And you know what else is awesome? S-e-x! And we can have a lot more of it, if ya just gimmie a really, really expensive ring, which hopefully I remember to remove during s-e-x! KRISTA Marriage is about more than flashy jewelry and great sex, Ally. Its about bad sex. Horrible sex. Brutal sex. Torturous sex. Sex equivalent to watching any movie where Jennifer Love Hewitt attempts to act and remains fully clothed. Its also about old sex. Are you prepared to have sex with me when I'm sixty five years old? ALIX Yeah! I'd hook up with you if you were rotting away in maggot infested coffin, that's how much I love ya! KRISTA Yikes. That is very disturbing, yet somewhat comforting. Mostly disturbing, however, and I'm gonna make sure I have express written instructions to be cremated in my will. As for marriage, I guess I'll tell you what I always tell you, I'll think about it. Krista chugs down the last of her martini, which gives her the excuse to go away and get another one. Not that Krista ever needs an excuse to get another drink, but its nice to pretend. ALIX Don't think too hard, it'll give you wrinkle lines! That's why I never think, so I don't get wrinkles! COMMERCIAL

COLE Alright, up next two of the OAOAST's big boys do battle. But first, let's take a look back at the trails and tribulations that The Meterosexual Monster Bohemoth has been put through in the past few weeks. "I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life Oh lord Oh lord" As we return to the arena, Nonpoint's "In The Air Tonight" hits. With a sullen expression on his face, Detective Bosley walks through the entrance way and looks out into the crowd as he nonchalantly lights up a cigarette, flagrantly flying in the face of at least one law I'm sure. Puffing on the smoke he strolls to the ring making boasts about 'dishing out justice' on the way. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Miami, Florida... weighing in at two hundred and sixty five pounds. The undisputed Alpha Male of the OAOAST... DETECTIVE TTAAAAAAAAANNGGOOOOOOOOOOOO... BBOOOOOOSSSSSSLLLLLLEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!! Dropping his cigarette on the (luckily inflammable) rampway, Bosley stubs it out. One fan dares to accuse him of littering and to write himself a ticket, earning him a glare from the Detective. COACH There he is, the man who cracked the case, the Alpha Male! 'Alpha Tango'! Which in cop speak is AT... which... doesn't stand for anything or have any reference to Bosley at all... but, I just felt like pointing it out. COLE Bosley may call himself the alpha male but I think his opponent tonight would having to say about that. COACH Please! Bohemoth is no alpha male, he's a predatory male. There's a big difference. Well, actually, not much of a difference come to think of it. But a difference none the less! Bosley paces the ring and starts to get fired up as he does so, with the sounds of "BO - HE - MOTH!" ringing in his ears. The hostile atmosphere just seems to get the former New York cop going though and he gets in referee Nick Patrick's face about the hold-up in his opponent's entrance. *BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!* "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COLE The roof just came off of this place! To a huge ovation Bohemoth comes storming out from the back, wild eyes fixed on Bosley as he marches down the aisle. BUFFER And, his opponent hails from Greenville, South Carolina! Weighing two hundred, eighty four pounds... a member of the In Crowd... "THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER"... BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHHEEEEEEEEEMMMMMOOOOOOOOOTTHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Bo slides into the ring and an instant confrontation is headed off by the referee as the bigman comes in raging. Unable to get his hands on Bosley yet, Bohemoth climbs the turnbuckles and lets out a huge roar as he flexes his muscles. COACH What a sorry state the OAOAST is in when a dangerous pervert like this guy is roaming loose again! Jumping off the turnbuckles, Bohemoth paces, both he and Bosley amped up to the eyeballs with energy. COLE What a battle of testosterone this promises to me. Bohemoth, with retribution on his mind here tonight. I can't imagine how angry he must be at these rape claims, which we've still yet to see any hard evidence of yet from anyone not under the Moneymaker program I might add. COACH Oh please. Mackenzie's tears say more than real evidence ever could. *DINGDINGDING!* Nick Patrick doesn't dare hold them back any longer and calls for the bell. Forward marches Bohemoth. But to his and to the fans' collective surprise, Bosley doesn't back down, stepping right into Bohemoth's face! The two lock eyes, Bo staring a hole in Bosley's skull. BOSLEY HOW'D IT FEEL, HUH? HOW DID IT FEEL YOU SICK BASTARD? DID YOU GET A RUSH OFF IT? HUH!? MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN? HUH!? ANSWER ME DIRTBAG! *SLAP!* "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh my! Now you've done it! The fearless Detective's slap pushes Bo over the edge and he explodes into life with furious right hands! Bosley is backed all the way across the ring and into a corner by the closed fists, pounded against the turnbuckles with referee Patrick forced to step in as Bohemoth shows no sign of stopping. Backed up, Bo suddenly brushes Patrick off though, mowing into Bosley with a corner clothesline! Irish whip sends Bosley across the ring, for another clothesline in the opposite corner. Bo then grabs Bosley by the throat, squeezing his windpipe with enough force to cross the Detective's eyes! COLE Bohemoth has finally shut the AMOG's mouth! COACH Yeah, I bet he's had plenty of practise with this hold too. Bohemoth presses Bosley off the mat and high over his head, with ease, walking over to the ropes and depositing him to the arena floor below! "YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE That's two hundred sixty five pounds getting gorilla slammed to the floor, incredible power display! Picking himself up, Tango doesn't get the chance to recover as Bo slides out to meet him with another right hand. And another. Bosley falls against the timekeeper's table and tries to use the RINGBELL... but Bo blocks in, booting Bosley in the gut and throwing him into the announce table! Bouncing off, Bosley staggers back towards the ring. As he tries to slide back inside though, Bo drags him back out by the ankle, before dropping him on the arena floor with a clothesline. With the referee warning him to get it back inside, Bohemoth picks Bosley up by the collar and finally throws him in, sliding in after and stalking his opponent. COLE You might say Detective Bosley is 'paying the price' for his association with Theodore Moneymaker right about now. Bohemoth has come here with a purpose tonight! Bosley staggers back up... and uses his instincts off the job to catch Bohemoth with a back elbow to the gut. Now it's Bosley's turn to attack with right hands, hitting hard and fast before coming off the ropes. Clothesline attempt is ducked though, Bosley spinning around and PLANTED with the Front Spinebuster! COLE There it is! The beginning of the end for Bosley. COACH This is terrible. I haven't seen such a miscarriage of justice since OJ. Popping back to his feet, Bohemoth looks like he might be ready for the end... ...but gets distracted, as down the aisle heads MACKENZIE DECENZO, holding the hand of Christian Wright for emotional support! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Oh! The bravery of this woman is simply unparalleled! COLE Would you stop it already? What business does Mackenzie have out here, if she's supposed to be so 'traumatised' why would she be coming to the ring with Bohemoth 10 feet away!? COACH Hey, he's not gonna attack her in public, is he? He's a coward like all rapists. Bohemoth stares down the aisle and points the finger at Mackenzie, who cowers into Christian's shoulder in a sudden attack of fear. And as Christian spells out exactly what he thinks of his former charge, Bohemoth catches something out of the corner of his eye... a Roundhouse Kick, connecting right to the back of the head from Bosley! Hook of the leg... 1... 2... No! Mounting Bohemoth, Bosley attacks with rights and lefts with a total disregard for the referee's count. Eventually Bosley is pulled off of his opponent and he gives the referee a mouthful of abuse. COACH Hey, don't put your hands on a cop buddy. COLE Ex-cop. Bohemoth pulls himself up on the ropes, attacked from behind by Bosley. After some shots to the back Bosley attacks the backs of the knees with short kicks to try and chop his opponent down to size a little. And when that doesn't work, he chokes him across the top ring rope. Breaking on 4, Bosley whips Bohemoth off the ropes, connecting with a back elbow. The force sends Bo backpedalling into a corner and Bosley follows him in with a hard forearm smash. COLE We're seeing a really physical battle here between these two, as the term has been coined, alpha males of the OAOAST. Coming off the ropes, Bosley tries to connect with another forearm but gets scooped up for another Spinebuster. But he's close enough to the ropes to grab on and block the move, using some knees to the stomach to get back to his feet before hitting a quick DDT! Bosley rolls over and covers again... 1... 2... No! Bosley waves Bo back up, connecting with a stinging right hand. Shaking it off, Bohemoth pops Bosley with one right back though. A slugfest suddenly breaks out with the two men going punch for punch, until Bosley is forced to go to the eyes to gain the upperhand! Boos rain down as Bosley lays in some unreturned rights, then aims Bohemoth towards the corner. Irish whip is reversed and Bosley is sent in instead, but he shows his agility as he springboards to the middle turnbuckle and launches himself backwards with an elbow... ...but gets CAUGHT! and dropped with a big back suplex!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh, Bosley dropped right on the back of his head, big counter from The Meterosexual Monster! Poor Mackenzie looks horrified to see Bohemoth get the advantage and hides her face in CW's shoulder, unable to watch. Both men get back up, and it's Bohemoth with the momentum on his side now, as he mows Bosley down with a clothesline. A second. And a third, before bulging the muscles! COACH Look at that sick freak. How Mackenzie can watch this is beyond me, what an inspiration. Bosley falls into a corner where Bohemoth levels him with yet another clothesline, knocking what little wind he had right out of his lungs. Scooping the Detective up over his shoulder, Bo then plants him with the Running Powerslam! 1... 2... NO! Staggering to his feet, Bosley is met with a Big Boot to the face and drops to the mat like a well-glazed doughnut! Cover... 1... 2... NO! Bohemoth backs up into a corner and waits for Bosley to get back up. COLE Bohemoth looking to uncoil here. Feeling the effects of the boot, Bosley staggers up and staggers around in a state of confusion. From his crouched position Bohemoth suddenly explodes into life and charges in towards Bosley. The Detective somehow manages to sidestep though and Bohemoth... narrowly avoids colliding with the turnbuckles! There's still an opening for Bosley though and he takes advantage, delivering a crescent kick to the sternum that drops Big Bo! COLE Beautiful kick from Bosley though. With Bo vulnerable Bosley quickly gives a signal and looks to take the law into his own hands, by taking Bohemoth to Arrest And Trial! He sets up the Brainbuster... but can't get the 284 pounder all the way up for it! Bosley tries again, with similar lack of success. And a third time to no avail. Bosley gets frustrated and lands some punches to the midsection with his free hand. But as he goes for the lift again, he suddenly finds himself going up as it's Bohemoth with a display of raw power, lifting Bosley off his feet and sitting out to drive him into the canvas with a Falcon Arrow! COLE The Bo And Arrow! Out of nowhere! COACH No, come on, this monster can't escape trial, he has to be punished! Bohemoth jumps back up and looks out into the crowd, who rise to their feet as one. Thumbs Up. THUMBS DOWN~! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The Houston crowd are ready... but Mackenzie DeCenzo has seen enough and suddenly rushes to the ring and climbs onto the apron, distracting the referee!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Hey come on, what's she doing up on the apron!? COACH Don't you know it's important therapy for victims to confront their attackers? Bohemoth is distracted again and turns his attentions to Mackenzie, who suddenly goes white with fear. Feeling faint, she clings onto referee Patrick to prevent falling to the arena floor... ...which conveniently keeps him occupied whilst Officer Bosley pulls a POLICE BATON from his right boot! COACH Alright, time for some old-fashioned justice! Finally dragging his attentions away from Mackenzie, Bohemoth turns around to see Bosley coming right at him. With the baton brandished Bosley lets out a loud shout and takes an almighty swipe at the Meterosexual Monster. But Bohemoth is able to dodge it and in one movement scoop Bosley up into his arms and off his feet! COACH Oh no! Mackenzie sees things backfiring and hurriedly gets off the apron, Christian Wright helping to pull her to safety as Bohemoth parades Bosley around in his arms. The law enforcer kicks and struggles to try and get free. But Bohemoth has him where he wants him and makes sure Mackenzie and CW are watching, before swinging Bosley around... ...out... ...and DOWN~! COLE Erotic Awakening Of B!! 1... 2... 3!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Mackenzie covers her face in abject horror, as Bohemoth stares down the aisleway with an arm raises in victory by the referee and one foot on what's left of the hostile Detective. BUFFER Your winner of this match... BBOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHEEEEEEMMMMMOOOOOOOTTHHHHHHH!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" With CW comforting her Mackenzie is helped to the safety of backstage while Bohemoth stands tall in the ring. Looking down at Bosley he looks no happier for the small measure of revenge, raising his arms in victory if not in satisfaction. COLE A beating delivered here tonight by Bohemoth. And I think the Alpha Male just got alphabetised. COACH That doesn't even make any sense! Bohemoth scales the turnbuckles and raises his arms for his legions of fans one last time, before he exits the ring, wiping the sweat from his brow with a casual flick. COACH And these people cheer for him. They encourage this man... this... this beast! The man should be locked up and the key thrown away, not given the chance to perform in front of these people, all they're doing is feuling that ego and making him more likely to attack in the future. COLE With your hysterics, have you ever thought about working for the news instead of wrestling commentating? Seriously, get a grip. COACH Get a grip? Get a grip!? The man is a rapist! COLE I think there's enough of an element of doubt to say he's innocent until proven guilty, don't you? COACH You're just as bad as he is for making excuses. Poor Mackenzie is a broken woman... COLE Oh yeah, she sure looked a broken woman when she ran interference to let Bosley get the baton out, didn't she? Call me cynical but I've come to doubt the honesty of anything The Enterprise say or do until there's hard evidence to back it up. And until I see any, I'm going to stay dubious at best. In the meantime, let's move on to something else! Coach continues to grumble as we fade away. COMMERCIAL

COLE All night, the celebrations have been going on for Jade Rodez-Duncan after her emotional upset victory over Malaysia at AngleSlam. Let's go back there right now and rejoin the party, shall we? Coach begins to stand up and leave. COLE I didn't mean literally. COACH Aw. Those of us sitting at home are transported back to the party though, where the happy gathering continues. The centre of the celebrations, Jade, is chatting happily with old pal Bohemoth. And everyone else seems to be chatting to someone or other. All except for Leon Rodez, who we find sat in a folding chair with a cellphone clasped against his air, not in the party spirit what-so-ever. And the happy talk comes to an awkward stop, as Leon's voice suddenly raises over everyone elses. LEON THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID! After some uncomfortable murmuring, everybody tries to go back to their conversations and try not to seem like they're eavesdropping. LEON Look... no, look, all I said was, 'if only'. ... No, I'm not BLAMING you. ... Look, all I said was 'if only you hadn't led him on, none of this would have happened', is that me saying you deserved to get hurt? No. No, it's not. ... Well, no offence, but you should feel bad about it. ... Yeah, well, tell that to my niece and every other woman that's in dange... What? ... Look, you know what, fine, fine! The person on the other end of the conversation clearly hangs up, leaving Leon to sigh and stick the cellphone back in his pocket. Sensing he needs someone to talk to, Jade leaves Bo be and crouches down next to her... *double checks*... uncle. JADE Maggie? LEON Mmm-hmm. JADE You know, she probably feels pretty bad right now. You can't blame her for feeling angry. LEON That's the thing, I know I shouldn't blame her, but she's the one who got Reject involved. All to try and make me jealous. I mean, what's that all about? And now, Reject's running around attacking women everywhere he does, putting the blame on me? Not just Maggie, people who've got nothing to do with it. How long before he comes after you? Huh? I can't just sit around and let that happen, I'd never forgive myself. JADE Hey, if he comes after me, he'll have Krista to deal with. That was presumably meant to be light-hearted, but it just seems to make Leon a little glummer. LEON The whole thing's a complete mess. Every time I turn around, I've got Melody on my tail trying to talk to me. By the way, where is she? JADE She's other there trying to get people to play Whose Line Is It Anyway party games with her. LEON Again? JADE I know, I've already been roped in twice. Ad libbing isn't my thing. LEON I've noticed. Listen, you don't need to be listening to my problems, you're supposed to be celebrating. It's just... you know, I try and do a good deed and it ends up blowing up in my face at the moment. Putting two and two together in her head, Jade looks a little surprised. JADE You mean... this was your idea? LEON Please, you think if 'Mommy' threw you a party, she'd invite anyone who was a professional wrestler? Phff! JADE I just assumed Alix... oh, thank you! Jade gives her uncle a big, genuine hug. LEON Yeah, well, I know we haven't seen much of each other lately and you'll probably be heading back out to LA pretty soon, so I figured this was the least I could do. I know you said you wanted to make Krista proud. But you've wanted to be Women's Champion way longer than she'd ever give credit to. And I don't know about her, but you certainly made me proud. JADE That's so sweet... ALIX DO I SEE CRYING? *cocks fist* JADE No, I'm okay Alix, really! Alix skulks back off to her punch-spiking duties. JADE I know I haven't been around much lately, when you probably could have done with me around too. But I never would have become Women's Champion without you. So, it was as much for you as it was Krista and I'm sorry for not coming and finding you afterwards to say thank you. And if you do need to talk, you know I'm only a phone-call away. I'll get Krista to have your number unblocked again as soon as we get back to LA. LEON That's... uh... that's sweet of you. JADE So, what do you think of my hair? LEON Yeah, it's nice. The cheerleader outfit I could voice some issues with though. Ah, a happy ending! COMMERCIAL "Like The Angel" by Rise Against strikes out through the arena and to the delight of the crowd, the twin terrors of totty MARV and MEL come rushing from the entrance way. COLE OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Titles on the line, let's go to the ring. *DINGDING!* BUFFER The following contest is set for one fall and it is for the OAOAST WORLD SIX MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS! Introducing team number one, your challengers this evening. First, total combined weight, three hundred seventy pounds... now residing in Laguna Beach, California... the team of MARV and MEL... THE CHRIST AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRR... EEEEEEXXXXXPPRRRRRRREEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! MARV and MEL slide into the ring and hit the turnbuckles, MARV throwing up a little "RAWK" to the legions of Christ Air followers. COACH Look at these guys. Wasting their life away, it's pathetic. Drugs, recreational or otherwise, are for losers, simple as that. COLE Uh, Coach... how'd you explain what happened at AngleSlam then? COACH What about AngleSlam? COLE You running off before the big main-event to 'hang out' with The Burrough Boys and co.? COACH Really? I did that? Man, I don't even remember doing that I was so high! *shifty eyes* Uh, don't do drugs kids. "OOOOOOOOIIIIIIII!" The pumping beats of "Fix Up, Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal pound through the arena and swaggers Jamie O'Hara. The Birmingham Bad Boy jaws away at no-one or no-thing in particular as the marches down the aisle, slapping out at a few hands while he gabs away to the camera. BUFFER And their tag team partner. Hailing from Birmingham, England... weighing one hundred and sevent six pounds. This is "THE BIRMINGHAM BAD BOY"... JJJJAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMIIIIEEEEEEEE... OOOOOO'HHHHAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" O'Hara vaults into the ring and gives his team-mates a double high-five. COLE What a tremendous six man team these three promise to be. Three of the highest fliers in the OAOAST today, if not ever. And they've got a big chance to strike gold again. MARV and MEL of course former Tag Team Champions and O'Hara, a former holder of these 6-Man Titles with The Global Party Exchange. "The Church Of Hot Addiction" by Cobra Starship hits and out head the Champions. Nathaniel Black leads out for his team, with James Blonde behind him pulling down the hood of his black hooded jacket, short sleeved on the left side and totally cut open down the seam on the right. Blonde is positioned a safe distance between the all business Black and the Samoan stick of dynamite Faqu, no doubt to make sure that dynamite doesn't explode again. BUFFER And their opponents. Total combined weight, seven hundred and fourty seven pounds. Together, they represent Cucaracha Internacional and are the reigning, defending, OAOAST WORLD 6-MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! The team of "THE TRENDSETTER" JAMES BLONDE... "THE SAMOAN WRECKING BALL" FFFFFAAAAAAAAQQQQQUUUUUUUU... and, their tag team partner, from London, England... NATHANIEL BLACK... they are INTERNATIONALLY KKNNOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWNN!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Black rolls into the ring and straight away ends up nose to nose with old rival Jamie O'Hara. The gutsy O'Hara piefaces Black out of his grill and as they go to square up again, it's down to The CAE and Blonde to keep them separated. COACH That didn't take long. COLE A lot of bad feeling between the two Brits, especially after Black got the elimination on O'Hara in the Riverwalk Invitational at AngleSlam. All before Black and Faqu had an almighty falling out... OAOAST BACKTRACKER *DINGDINGDING* COLE So it'll be interesting to see how those two co-exist, as we get underway with this 6-Man Tag Team Title contest. COACH Quit trying to cause problems where there are none. Black starts the match for the Champions, with Blonde in no rush to argue with him. Out of the opposition corner dances MARV, ready to go. He's significantly less ready after trying a lock-up and getting thrown clean back into his part of the ring. Black demands the tag and O'Hara is happy to give it, leaping into the ring. The exchanging of insults starts and the two brash Brits go face to face again, until Black returns the pieface from earlier! O'Hara shoves Black in the chest in response. So Black nails him with a forearm strike. Another. And a third. O'Hara falls to a knee and Black stomps him against the ropes until the referee comes over to back him away. COACH Tonight's not the night to be messing with Nate. He's gotta be in a bad mood. And he's always sort of in a bad mood, so it doesn't bode well. Not one to back down from a fight O'Hara dusts himself off and runs across the ring, landing a forearm shot right over the ref's shoulder! O'Hara goes to work with his own flurry of forearms before hitting the ropes. Angered, Black tries to lop his head off with a lariat but O'Hara ducks underneath. He ducks under a second attempt as well. Off the far ropes, O'Hara then delivers a running Tiger Mask kick! J-OH lands on his feet safely while Black is sent backwards... but he rebounds off the ropes and chops O'Hara down with a clothesline! COLE Boy, Black took that kick and came roaring right back. Black traps O'Hara in an armbar with a chinlock added to further discomfort J-OH. With his neck being wrenched to the side, O'Hara quickly fights to his feet and looks for an escape. Black clubs him with a shot to the neck though. And a second. Black then retrieves the arm and looks for the CROSSFACE CHICKENWI... NO! O'Hara counters with a quick armdrag. J-OH is quick to his feet, just as well as he's forced to leapfrog the charging Black. But Black brings himself to a quick stop and as O'Hara lands, he catches a clothesline, this time to the back of the neck! COLE And again, all-out attack from Nathaniel Black tonight. COACH Well he's a man with a lot to prove, for a lot of different reasons. By the vesttop, O'Hara is hauled back up and struck with a hard European uppercut. The force sends O'Hara all the way back into the opposition corner, where James Blonde sneakily holds him back allowing Black a free shot with a forearm. Tag is then made, with boos for The Trendsetter as he vaults in and lands a stinging cheapshot of a right hand. "JA - MIE!" "JA - MIE!" "JA - MIE!" "JA - MIE!" O'Hara is whipped across the ring and dropped with a back elbow, as The Christ Air Express try to rally the fans. Taking exception to that, Blonde mouths off to them... taking his eyes off O'Hara, who suddenly kips-up and dropkicks the unsuspecting JB! COLE You just can't do that with Jamie O'Hara. Blink and you'll miss him, let alone turning your back! Tag is made and MARV heads straight up top, to wipe out on Blonde with a flying crossbody... 1... 2... No! Wringing the arm, MARV brings in MEL, who comes off the top with a double axehandle. No sooner is MARV out than he's back in, the exchange with the same result but roles reversed. MARV then brings MEL in once more and another axehandle strikes down on Blonde's arm. COLE Lightning quick tags from the Nerdly twins. MEL pulls Blonde down with an armdrag, holding on and taking him off his keister with a crucifix pin... 1... 2... No! Swing and a miss from Blonde as he gets back to his feet allows MEL to grab a headlock and scale the turnbuckles, dropping JB with a Swinging Bulldog! Hook of the leg... 1... 2... No! COLE For all the worries about Faqu and Black, it's James Blonde who's having all the problems so far! COACH 'All the worries'? You were the only one worrying Cole. And JB'll be fine, you watch. Keeping control with the arm MEL makes the tag again to MARV. The brothers send Blonde off the ropes, going downstairs with elbows before delivering kicks to the shoulder blades to snap him upright. MEL then connects on an enziguri, sending Blonde stumbling right into MARV coming off the ropes with a Hart Attack Clothesline! The seamless tag team combination gets a round of applause from the crowd and leaves Blonde prone for a cover... 1... 2... Black breaks it up! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" With a few choice words for the ref Black leaves, while MARV brings O'Hara back in. COLE The challengers are working very well as a unit so far. And it was only months ago O'Hara was teaming up against The Christ Air Express in the Anderson Cup, with Nathaniel Black, albeit begrudingly. Blonde is woozy and with his arm stretched hopefully for a tag, he takes another dropkick from O'Hara. Setting himself, O'Hara then prepares for take-off... but has to stop short, as Blonde rolls away from him and into his corner, with a much needed tag to Faqu. COACH And now the tone changes! COLE You're not kidding. Faqu, the 300 pounder is in. Marching in Faqu stalks towards a suddenly less confident looking Jamie O'Hara. The Brit tries to stay on his toes and manages to weave under Faqu's first attack. That just angers Faqu though and he yells something in Samoan at his opponent, presumably telling him to quit playing around. O'Hara evades a second attack though and this time kicks Faqu in the back of the knee! That wakes the monster up and he swipes out. O'Hara ducks one swipe, then a second, before running to his corner. Faqu follows... and takes a DOUBLE KICKFLIP from The CAE for his trouble! COACH Come on, just because he's bigger than the three of them together doesn't mean they're all allowed in! Faqu stumbles backwards, to find O'Hara following up off the second rope, a missile dropkick dropping the big Samoan to the mat! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Quick cover... 1... 2..NO, O'HARA IS LAUNCHED OFF THE PIN! "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!" COLE Pure power! O'Hara reaches up and tags MEL. Full of energy, he charges in at Faqu... and is immediately charged off his feet, knocked out of mid-air with a shoulder charge! Bowled to his feet, MEL is thrown roughly into a corner and stomped and kicked and clubbed until the referee takes pity on him and pulls the rabid monster off of him! Faqu screams the ref off his case though before dragging MEL out of the corner. Scoop and a slam sets him up for Faqu to come off the ropes, only for MEL to roll out of the way of a headbutt! And he makes the quick tag to MARV. COLE Nobody home that time though and I guess the gameplan is, run rings around Faqu and try to tire him out. Rushing in, MARV comes off the ropes behind to deliver a dropkick to Faqu's back. MARV then hits the ropes in front. Before hitting the mat after Faqu clubs him down with a clothesline! COACH Oh-ho! So much for that plan! You know, you can run rings around moving traffic for so long before you wind up in casualty. Faqu follows up with a standing splash, engulfing MARV's frame! 1... 2... NO! Black calls for the tag and Faqu, with some coaxing from Blonde, gives it. Coming in Black strikes with a headbutt to the chest on MARV, then catches him with a European uppercut before he can hit the mat. MARV falls against the bottom rope and is choked against it for his trouble. COLE No let-up from Nathaniel Black. And I'm sure there'll be no let-up either in his pursuit of one more go-around with Zack Malibu. Pulling MARV up, Black pulls him into centre ring, a snapmare setting him up to be tied in a Butterfly Lock. The Houston crowd are quick to his support as are his tag partners, willing him to escape the punishing hold. Easier said than done with Nathaniel Black applying it. MARV refuses to give and starts kicking his feet, trying to turn over and get to his feet. He does so but Black makes little effort to stop him, letting him get up before a knee to the gut and a forearm across the back. With a quick step behind, Black then strikes with a clothesline to the back of the head, dropping MARV for the cover... 1... 2... NO! Black drags MARV to the corner, knocking him down and tagging in Blonde. Grabbing the top rope, Blonde slingshots himself over and in, landing on MARV's chest with a Double Stomp! COACH Those swank gold wrestling shoes right into MARV's gut. I gotta get me some of those. That's how you know he's a Trendsetter! After taunting the opposition corner more successfuly than last time, Blonde drags MARV up. A snap suplex takes him over, before JB locks on a seated abominal stretch, picking up where Black had left off. COACH Any attribute you'd want in wrestling, the Champs have got it between them. Speed and agility, size and strength, technical ability, hard hitting, fine dress sense. You name it and Cucaracha Internacional possesses it. That's why they're the premiere 6-Man team in the OAOAST. They've literally got it all. COLE Three very contrasting styles that definately compliment each other to form a complete package, no doubt. With the support of the fans MARV again finds the strength to fight back and gets to his feet, catching Blonde with a couple of shots to the gut. Before he can get away though, Blonde grabs hold of the tights and pulls him back into a knee to the kidneys. Blonde follows up with a back suplex and hooks MARV up... 1... 2... No! Blonde uses his Canada/Japan sweatbands to wipe some sweat away, which may or may not be all for show. Grabbing MARV, he throws him into a neutral corner and follows in with a clothesline. Blonde then looks for the follow-up Bulldog... but gets shoved off! Using it to his advantage Blonde comes off the ropes and baseball slides through MARV's legs. As MARV turns around, he's caught with a boot. Blonde then places the leg over the head and prepares to give MARV the Guilt Trip. MARV feels no guilt that he escapes the move though, twisting out and giving Blonde the Jawjacker!! "YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!" COLE A sudden counter by MARV! And a window of opportunity for the challengers. The referee starts his count with both men down. It's not until five that both men start to stir and crawl over towards their corners. And both men make it, bringing Black and O'Hara back into the match! COLE Here we go again! O'Hara manages to duck a clothesline from Black as he comes in and suddenly goes in the opposite direction to deliver a spinning heel kick! Rushing across the ring, O'Hara gets a pre-emptive strike on Faqu, dropkicking him off the apron which he smacks into face-first! O'Hara then jumps back up, charging Black in the corner. With a trailing boot Jamie kicks Black in the face as he vaults himself over the top to the apron. As Black staggers out of the corner, he's then dropped with a Springboard Spinning Wheel Kick to the back of the head! O'Hara scrambles on top... 1... 2... NO! COLE No, only a two count after that flurry of frenzied offence by Jamie O'Hara! And once he's moving like this, it's so hard to catch him! Backing into a corner, O'Hara goes to the middle rope. He waits for Black to get up and comes tumbling with a Blockbuster neckbreaker! COLE Oh, SNAP! Another cover... 1... 2... NO! Black pulls himself up and as O'Hara comes charging again, he raises a knee! Staggered, O'Hara is spun around into a forearm. Black then backs up against the turnbuckles before levelling J-OH with a vicious European uppercut! COACH Well, he caught him. Not for long, as O'Hara crawls to make the tag to MEL. Rushing in, MEL ducks underneath a clothesline attempt from Black, hopping onto his shoulders and pulling him down into a Victory Roll... 1... 2... NO! Boot to the gut sets Black up, MEL going for the MELANOMA... but he can't lift Black and gets clubbed in the back. Black then sends MEL into the corner with an irish whip, only to miss with an elbow strike. COLE The speedy challengers trying to catch Black cold, to no avail just yet! With Black cornered in charges the youngest twin (by 40-odd seconds). MEL is cut off though, taking a knee to the midsection. Black promptly runs through him with a European uppercut as well and stands tall. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH And one big swipe from Black almost takes MEL's head off his shoulders! As MARV picks himself to his feet ready to come to his twin brother's aid, Faqu suddenly slides into the ring and cuts him off with a mammoth clothesline, sending MARV bumping off the mat and out of the ring in a heap. COACH So much for the speed strategy. COLE The speed no match for the simple physicality of Nathaniel Black and Faqu. The big Samoan stands back and watches, as Black throws MEL into a corner and delivers a high knee. Hooking him up, Black then delivers a Half Nelson Backbreaker almost snapping him in half across his knee!! O'Hara comes in, but Faqu cuts him off with a chop. Sending O'Hara into a corner, Faqu then avalanches him with his 300 pound mass before throwing him across, into a Leg Lariat from James Blonde. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" As the Champions take complete control, Blonde preens around the ring with a grin on his face. MARV slides back into the ring but is ambushed by Black, who nails him with a headbutt. The force rolls MARV back to his feet, where he's swung around and picked up across the shoulders of Faqu. Before he can drop though, Faqu is fed MEL as well, carrying BOTH twins on his shoulders and letting out a wild primal scream before crushing them with a DOUBLE SAMOAN DROP!!! "OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Two twins for the price of one! COACH The secret weapon has been unleashed and he's tearing through the 'fabulous fancy flipping guys'. COLE Not so much a secret weapon as a lethal weapon. With The CAE hurting and rolling to the floor, O'Hara is left three on one despite the referee's best efforts to get two Champs out. Blonde lines him up, delivering a Running Enziguri before he leaves, taking Faqu with him and leaving Black to lay The Birmingham Bad Boy out with a BLACK LARIAT!! COLE And what a vicious clothesline! Black gets to his feet with a scowl on his face and pulls O'Hara off the mat. Directing him over to the hard camera Black crosses the arms under the chest before taking him up and sitting out with the BRITTANIA BOMB! COACH That'll do it. 1... 2... 3!!! *DINGDINGDING!* COLE Faqu and Black tear through the challengers with raw aggression, a successful defence for Cucaracha Internacional. BUFFER Here are your winners and STILL OAOAST 6-Man Tag Team Champions... FAQU, JAMES BLONDE and NATHANIEL BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAACCKK!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Black looks into the hard camera and carries on whatever message he was trying to send, while James Blonde's first instincts are to take possession of the belts from the referee. Playing peacekeeper Blonde hands over a belt to Black. But the Englishman takes two belts from Blonde's arms, backing him off... and handing over Faqu's belt himself. COLE Looks like whatever cracks there were in the Cucaracha Internacional foundation have been ironed out, for now at least. That's got to be a huge relief for Landon Maddix. COACH Can you iron out cracks? COLE It's a turn of phrase. COACH How do you 'turn' a phrase? COLE *groans* Beaming in glee to have his two modes of back-up back on the same page, Blonde stands between them and raises their arms in the air in victory, nodding contently with life. Black breaks away to give O'Hara on last parting stomp, before the Champs are told in no uncertain terms to leave by the referee. *COMMERCIALS*

COLE Right now, ladies and gentlemen, let’s take you to Reliant Stadium where I understand Theodore Moneymaker is moments away from addressing Enterprise stockholders. We cut back inside Reliant Stadium where the Heavenly Rockers are still performing, sweating profusely under the Texas heat. Though much of the place remains darken, we can make out all Enterprise members in the front row, with the Beverly Hills Blonds and Molly dancing to the music while Christian Wright crunches the cost of the party on his Enterprise issued notebook computer, earning him a WTF look from Mackenzie. Also present, handling the event’s security, V.I.C.E. LOGAN Yo, your attention span please. Here’s a little number my girl and I wrote especially for the Enterprise. We call it "Story of the Enterprise". COLE Dear God, no. I thought we had dodge a bullet. Are we really gonna have to listen to Logan Mann sing? COACH Hells yeah! It gets even better, folks, because it’s a husband and wife duet! LOGAN (clears throat; sings to the tune of "Don‘t Stop Believing" by Journey) Just a big city girl, livin’ in the movie capital of the world She took a cab goin’ anywhere HOLLY Just a billionaire’s son, raised with a silver spoon in his mouth He took the charter jet goin’ anywhere LOGAN A boxer turned bouncer in a smoky nightclub Dreaming of a management shakeup While out in Beverly Hills, two blonds were looking for a thrill So there story goes and goes and goes The Enterprise bob from side to side holding lighters in the air. HOLLY Strangers meeting, coming together from all walks of life To all form the greatest stable to ever be born LOGAN Looking for a thrill without having to pay the bill It was obvious Theodore Moneymaker’s Enterprise fit the bill Sign on the dotted line and the money will come running to you Win if you can, lose if you must, but never share your loot Because it’ll leave your opponents singing the blues Whining because they don’t know how to combat you HOLLY It’s the story of the Enterprise The group of men and women that make you cry And this past Sunday you found out why Logan begins playing a killer guitar solo. COLE Somebody please bang the gong. What a god awful song. COACH I personally love it. But I’m not surprised to hear people your age hate it. COLE My age!? I’m only 3 years older than you! SYNTH And now, ladies and gents, the Heavenly Rockers proudly introduce to you the guiding light of the OAOAST, the man who told us it’s better to hate than love… ABDULLAH ABIR NERDLY! Minus the belly dancers, the Inspirational Leader bravely appears before the faithful in a NECKBRACE. Touched by the warm reception Abdullah kindly motions for everyone to be seated. ABDULLAH Bless you! And bless all those gathered here tonight and watching on television. My people, for the first time in my life I am proud to be a OAOAST employee. Following the glorious event that was Angleslam, the dark cloud that loomed over the OAOAST has passed. The stranglehold Zack Malibu and his cronies had over this great company of ours is no more, and we have one man to thank for that, my dear friend Theodore Moneymaker. The BHB, Molly, Mackie and CW go crazy with the rest of the stockholders, who still have yet to be seen. ABDULLAH Under his command, Brother Theodore led his squadron of Allah’s humble servant and Christian Wright to victory against an enemy deemed unbeatable. Zack Malibu and Leon Rodez could not lose in such a high stakes match they said, and they were proven to be wrong. "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" NED They suck! SIMON Yeah, whoever they are. ABDULLAH Americans took their might for granted, as they always do. Just like the Titanic, the Twin Towers or New England Patriots, nobody thought The Usual Suspects could be brought down. But they were and with their defeat a message was sent to all: The Enterprise is the only true dominate force in the OAOAST! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" ABDULLAH Yes, praise be. Praise be for you. Praise be for the Enterprise. Most of all, praise be for our messiah Theodore Moneymaker! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" ABDULLAH Fortunate as we were to emerge victorious, I unfortunately suffered an injury at the hands of Bohemoth. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MACKENZIE ABDULLAH Yes, my children, the same Bohemoth who committed a violent assault on a precious young woman. I was already in a world of hurt after receiving an Attitude Adjustment from Tony Brannigan, whose job was simply to count the 1-2-3 not engage in fighting with a participant or participants, but I forgive him. I do not, however, forgive you, Bo. You scooped me up, spun me around and drove me recklessly into the mat with the Erotic Awakening of Bo. Even the names of his moves have some kind of sexual connotation, as though we needed further proof this man is indeed a sexual monster. COLE They’re gonna keep up that sham? COACH The truth hurts, Cole. ABDULLAH The brace that I will need to wear for sometime is merely a reminder of the evil that lurks in our world. Painful as it was, it did not break my neck, nor did it my spirit. Allah willing, Bo…YOU WILL BE DESTROYED! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" ABDULLAH It now gives me a great deal of pleasure, as much as Bo gets for raping people of their innocence, to present the messiah of the OAOAST... THEODORE MONEYMAKER!!! The Heavenly Rockers play a live version of “Sympathy for the Devil” and the shareholders ERUPT. COLE Is my hearing bad, or did Abdullah Nerdly really proclaim Theodore Moneymaker our messiah? COACH After Teddy liberated the OAOAST you’re telling me you still aren’t a believer? COLE It seems like a blasphemous statement. COACH You never said that when Zack Malibu was running around calling himself the Savior of the OAOAST. Boy does that shut Michael Cole up. Anyway, dressed to the nines, the Billion Dollar Heir embraces Abdullah like a long lost brother. The Inspirational Leader planting a kiss on both of Teddy’s cheeks. "TEDDY!" "TEDDY!" "TEDDY!" Moneymaker beams with pride as he stands tall at the podium, a ginormous “MI$$ION ACCOMPLI$HED” sign behind him on the video wall. MONEYMAKER Thank you. Where do I begin? How do I begin? How can I express the joy I feel tonight, knowing that the American people have put aside their differences to join me in my fight against evil? Is there anyway to state how happy I was to see good triumph over bad at Angleslam? I won't lie to any of you, I was afraid for a moment. There were serious doubts in my mind that the established order of the OAOAST could handle this In Crowd threat. I thought progress would be derailed, and the OAOAST would be thrown back into a time where Zack Malibu and is ilk were still relevant in someway. What would life have been like then? Horrible that's what it would've been like. But I came through. We came through. Even those who weren't in the ring stood tall and said "No! No you will not derail progress, no you will not destroy the established order of the OAOAST" and we came out with the victory. We have won the battle and we have won the war! Just as soon as the In Crowd began, it ends as well. I will mourn them as I mourn all my enemies, but I will celebrate to a better and brighter future with all of you! And because I‘m in such a good mood, all of you will receive a bonus of $250,000... CW/MACKIE/SIMON/NED MONEYMAKER ...except for Simon and Ned because they lost. SIMON/NED MONEYMAKER (shaking head) I’m very disappointed in you. To lose to a team such as Team Heyross, a team who's lack of class, lack of flair, lack of spirit, and erry similarity to the former general manager who's name I will not speak, is devastating. I felt two great pains that night of Angleslam. One was when Krista took home my half a million dollars, thwarting my many efforts to prevent her from doing otherwise. And the second one was when you lost. I never fully placed my trust into Landon Maddix, but I certainly gave it all to you. And you failed me just like he did. You could've made up for that error be assisting Maddix, who I personally don't even like, in helping to beat Krista. But you left in the hands of James Blonde, and we all saw what happened that night. Krista has my money and the world title shot. You don't have the tag team titles. and you most certainly do not have my money! I do not pay for failure. Think about this the next time you give me less than your greatest efforts. Like children who just learned Santa isn’t real, the BHB are devastated. For once Molly stops filming on the Siclopse to console the two. MONEYMAKER (upbeat) But I have nothing but high praise for my spiritual guide, Abdullah Abir Nerdly. What a leader, and what a friend. My life was lost without his guidance. How ‘bout a round of applause for our Inspirational Leader, who sacrificed himself after our match at Angleslam so that I wouldn‘t be tied to the cross by Bohemoth? "AB-DUL-LAH!" "AB-DUL-LAH!" "AB-DUL-LAH!" COLE Is this a shareholder’s meeting or a political rally? COACH Hey, the people love Teddy for liberating us. Abdullah waves to the faithful. MONEYMAKER (to Abdullah) I don’t know where I or this company would be without his guidance. Rest assured the Enterprise will cover your medical expenses in full. The Spiritual One blesses Theodore. MONEYMAKER And a brief word of warning to the man who injured this religious icon, Bohemoth. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MONEYMAKER You’re a very lucky man, Bo. If not for your celebrity you’d currently be sharing a jail cell with a redneck named Bubba. But don’t you go celebrating yet, because tonight you’ll be going one on one with the newest member of the Enterprise... DETECTIVE TANGO BOSLEY! BWAHAHA! The Boz sinisterly slaps his TELESCOPIC BATON against the palm of his hand. COLE Oh, my, a new member of the Enterprise! MONEYMAKER Make no mistake about it, Bo, justice will be served tonight. And as the Spiritual One eloquently said earlier on, now that the dark cloud has disappeared there will be plenty of opportunities for those such as Christian Wright, the Beverly Hills Blonds, Abdullah Nerdly, the Heavenly Rockers, Holly-Wood, Mr. Dick and Malaysia, all of whom were previously "helddown," if you will, by the men who once loomed large over the OAOAST. COLE Give me a break. Nobody’s ever been purposely held down. Funny how Moneymaker names only people who support his cause and not guys like Los Diablos de Fuego or Colombian Heat. COACH Yeah, because they suck. MONEYMAKER With the old guard finished, together the next generation of OAOAST superstars will take the company to places attention whores like our previous General Manager and Zack Malibu never could. Suddenly a PLANE buzzes overhead, causing everyone to duck and then have a laugh once it passes over. MONEYMAKER BWAHAHA! For a second there I thought we were under attack. The plane buzzes over again, but this time DIRTY BROWN WATER drops from the heavens, soaking everyone but V.I.C.E. who managed to be in the right place at the right time away from the front row and stage. COACH The hell?! Mackie runs screaming out of the picture dripping wet, then the lights come on to reveal NOBODY in the stadium other than the Enterprise. The cheers, jeers and chants were piped in! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" The live crowd viewing the proceedings from Minute Maid Park absolutely loves that the Enterprise got humiliated. COLE I knew it! There’s no way a decent human being could support Theodore Moneymaker or his causes. Detective Bosley inspects the watery substance and informs his boss that it’s not just regular water but dirty, nasty...BONG WATER! MONEYMAKER The camera pans up at the single engine plane flying overhead with a banner attached... "PASS THE ‘SAULT!" COACH What kind a message is that? COLE One that’ll get the attention of Theodore Moneymaker. * COMMERCIAL * SWF GENESIS IX Special Appearance! Krista Isadora Duncan vs Chance Silver FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH MADE POSSIBLE BY LANDON MADDIX

3 Doors Down's smash hit “Its Not My Time” gives the cue for the entrance doors to slide open and unleash Tim Cash onto the world. Making his first appearance on HeldDOWN in several weeks, Cash gets a smattering of applause, mostly from the children in attendance. However, nothing could spoil his mood as he trots down the ramp and slaps hands with the fans. BUFFER The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of ten minutes. Now making his way to the ring, he is wrestling's last good guy, from Peoria, Illinois, TIM CASH! COLE Great to have Tim Cash out here tonight. We've seen him on Syndicated battling the Burroughs Boys, and getting some wins, and he's keen to continue that winning streak tonight. BUFFER And his opponent, already in the ring, from Orlando, Florida, he is an OAOVW competitor, SPENCER REIGER Spencer, who I've envisioned looking like Spencer from the Hills hence the name, makes a dick sucking motion to a crowd that suddenly went from apathetic to very hostile. COLE Spencer Reiger has gotten pretty good reviews for his personality and charisma down in OAOVW. His attitude on the other hand is often questioned. DING DING DING Cash offers his hand to the OAVW student, but finds the youngster unreceptive as he slaps it away. The former EMT doesn't seem to mind the display of disrespect and shrugs his shoulders. Irked by Cash's easy going nature, Reiger shoves him in the chest and blasts him with some serious trash talk. Letting his actions do the talking, Wrestling's Last Real Good Guy captures SR into a standing armlock. That hold lasts for all of three seconds before Reiger drops to his knees and fireman carries his foe over. He quickly swings over into a headlock, and then laughes mightly over one upping Cash. COACH Ain't this about a bitch. You'd think Tim Cash woulda learned from his old pal Bosley how to get ahead in this world, and taken on a meaner rougher edge. But he goes in the opposite direction and becomes even more of a sap! COLE Tim Cash isn't about money, or riches. He's about ideals, and doing the right thing for the right people. COACH Are these right people gonna pay his bills? Are these right people gonna feed his kids? Are these right people gonna keep his bitch from sleeping with the wrong people? Cash fights to his feet, even though the headlock is still applied. He hammers Reiger's thin midsection with elbows that allow him to break free of the hold. Now he displays babyface fire, pumping his fist to applause from the very young in the audience. He bounces off the ropes and comes back to take Reiger down with a lariat! The Peoria native demands that he stands up, and when Reiger does so he's caught with another lariat! Cash replays the same sequence, but this time Reiger ducks the lariat and captures him with a neckbreaker! The cover... ONE! TWO! Cash kicks out! COACH Think of where Cash is now, and where'd he be if he followed Bosley's lead and hooked up with The Enterprise. COLE He'd be in a darker place emotionally I'll tell you that. Cash makes the choice every day to be a good guy and play by the rules and I applaud him for standing by his principles. Back on their feet, Reiger and Cash trade knife edge chops, which earn the usual whoo's from the audience. There's no whoos for the eye raker Spencer strikes Cash with, just groans from the former Rescue 911 member. COACH See? Cash coulda done that, but he lets an OAOVW rookie, do it to him instead. That's weak. Reiger hammers the nearly blinded Cash with numerous punches, before weakening him enough to dropkick him in the chest. The babyface goes stumbling backwards, before hitting the ropes and bouncing back right into a powerslam from Reiger. Referee Billy Silverman makes the count... ONE! TWO! Again, Cash kicks out, and for this action he receives several stomps from his angered foe. As he clutches onto his now sore rib cage, he watches in dismay as Reiger walks towards the corner and removes the turnbuckle padding. The youngster is warned about this by referee Silverman, but dismisses the caution by throwing the pad in his face! He walks back to his rival and scrapes him off the mat, keeping him dazed and stun with a few shots to the midsection. Then he attempts to irish whip him towards the corner with the exposed posts. But, Cash reverses the hold and sends Reiger crashing into the harsh metal he left open. Spencer screams bloody murder, the pain actually made worse by the knowledge that he caused it. He staggers forward, gritting his teeth in pain, and walks himself directly into a double leg takedown from Cash! The EMT flips him over, tightens his legs and locks in the Midwest Sling (Texas Cloverleaf). Not a second goes by before Reiger submits to the hold! DING DING DING BUFFER The winner by submission, TIM CASH! Not one to gloat, Cash offers a “good effort, kid” to Reiger and attempts to check on his condition. Reiger wants no part of Cash's good guy act and angrily waves him off in between screaming for a wheelchair to carry him off. COLE If Spencer Reiger had never taken that ring pad off maybe this match might still be going on. Instead he led to his own downfall. Maybe Tim Cash has a point about playing by the rules? COACH Maybe you should shut up. That's my point. Shut up, bitch. Tim Cash oughta walk his ass back onto Syndicated and play by the rules where I ain't gotta see him, because I ain't got time for no jobber thinking he can get by on his goody two shoes act. It's time to rejoin the party, as we find ourselves back in the middle of Jade Rodez-Duncan's Women's Title Celebration Shindig. And underneath an over-sized banner which reads likewise, the people of the OAOAST mix away with Jade walking around as the unwilling centre of attention. She gives nervous smiles and waves as she's congratulated by various people she either doesn't recognise or usually has no contact with, relieved to finally make it across the room to the more common company of Alix Maria Spezia. The shifty Hollywood Bad Girl is in the process of trying to spike the punch when Jade sits down besides her with a sigh, causing her to quickly hide the flask. ALIX So, how's the party girl doing? JADE Uh... parties aren't really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you've all done it for me, really and truly. I'm just being silly, that's all. Do you have any idea when Mom's gonna show up? ALIX About half an hour ago. JADE Oh, she's running late then? ALIX No, when I say half an hour ago I mean she actually showed up half an hour ago. But she got super-pissed when she realised the party wasn't to celebrate her becoming Mister Money In The Bank and left. Punched some dude in the face pretty hard too. Jade laughs nervously, hoping that Alix was joking, until Doctor Max Anderson of The Love Doctors walks by with a swollen lip. ANDERSON (with a lisp) In her defence, I probably shouldn't have asked her if she felt old having her daughter win an OAOAST Championship. By the way, congratulations. Anderson heads off, lucky enough to know how to treat swollen lips himself. ALIX Yeah... plus she's got getta change from her Mister Money In The Bank acceptance showcase thingie, so she said she'd be back once when she "looks good, but not too good that I look weird for this kind of event, but good enough that I still look unusually good for this kind of event, but not too good that it draws looks, but good enough that it draws stares." JADE Oh! That's okay then. You know, she probably doesn't appreciate being called 'Mister' Money In The Bank either Ally. ALIX Are you kidding? She loves it! Or, at least, me calling her that gets me totally hot, because I picture her in some kinda important looking tuxedo suit with a bowtie and her hair all bunched up in a ponytail. Sophisticated looking, like that Republican chick that the old war-hero dude chose to be his Vice President as a publicity stunt? Oh yeah. That's an Oval Office I'd love to tour over and over. And when I'm totally hot, it's Krista getting the benefits. And she loves that. So it's all good. I really ought to buy her a tuxedo. Or in these times of economic doo-doo we love in, maybe it'd be cheaper and more eco-friendly to just rent one. Like from a wedding shop? I'm sure they'd do one Krista's size. Not that I know much about wedding shops. Or weddings at all. Sadly. Ho hum. Jade wonders if mingling with the party guests would be so bad compared to listening to Alix talking about her relationship problems. Especially with them involving her mother. ALIX You know, the first time I had sex with your Mom was amazing. And it just got even more uncomfortable. Jade's eyes widen, staring straight ahead and praying for a way out of this conversation. Alix buys her some time from taking a swig from her hip flask. But not enough time for a diversion to appear. ALIX Straight away, I knew we were gonna be together forever, ya know. It wasn't some deal where I just pleasured her a couple of times, left a tip and moved on to the next name in the personal ads like when I was in college. We made a real connection. Like, a spiritual one. I remember it like it was yesterday and like you're well aware I've got a memory like a... uhm... what's those things with the holes in? Anyway, doesn't matter. Point is... uhm... well, I forget that too. But I just remember caressing my hand up and down her thigh, crawling my way out from under the covers with what energy I had left after our third session, both of our naked bodies drenched in sweat from head to toe. And when I poked my eyes out from between the middle of your Mom's breasts and gazed into her eyes... man. You know what I'm saying? JADE ...if I say yes, will you change the subject? The earnest horror in Jade's voice prompts Alix to go on regardless. ALIX Ever since then we've been a team. We've won all sorts of wrestling matches together. We've been in an on and off mostly monogamous relationship. We even teamed up to fight The Joker, at that local parade when it turned out the guy playing him was a convicted paedophile. JADE Oh yeah, I think I saw that on the news. ALIX Point is, we're a team. You got Krista, you got Alix. One without the other ain't gonna spread the butter. It'd be like Sonny without Cher. Barney without Fred. Mork without Mindy. K-Fed without Britney. The rest of N*Sync without Justin. The Jonas Brothers without pre-pubescent teens to buy their records. It just wouldn't work, man! And I know I went off with Mackenzie and that was really, really dumb of me to think another woman could satisfy me like your Mom can... JADE ALIX ...but look at us now, huh? Even after all that, we're still together and we're stronger than ever! JADE But you want more, right? ALIX Sure! I always want more. That's what makes me such a great girlfriend for a rich successful woman, never know what I'm gonna want next! Jade nods understandingly. JADE Say, Ally... do you think Mom's proud of me? ALIX What!? Of course she's proud of you! Oh man, you wouldn't believe the smile she had on her face when you won that belt. Obviously she'd never tell you to your face, cause she's not into all that emotional crap that drags her down to the level of mere mortal humans like you. But she absolutely is! Why, just last night in bed, we were lying naked either side of this big bowl of strawberries and cream and she was covere... JADE You know what, I gotta go... I'm sorry, very important, bye bye!! As fast as her legs can carry her, Jade looks for less unsettling conversation on the other side of the room. Alix sulks a little for a second, until Dr. Max returns and eagerly sits in the chair Jade had vacated. ANDERSON (still with the lisp) Please, continue. COMING UP NEXT ENTERPRISE SHAREHOLDER MEETING NEXT! COMMERCIAL

Our loyal cameraman is on the run backstage, narrowly avoiding being trampled on as he goes about his daily work. He's not covering an out of control brawl though, or even someone running from an out of control brawl. Instead, he's trying to avoid being bundled over by new OAOAST Women's Champion Jade Rodez-Duncan, who is being led through the halls of the arena with Alix Maria Spezia's hands clasped over her eyes to prevent her from seeing where she's going. Unfortunately Alix is having some trouble herself and the pair teeter from side to side like a car veering across an icy road. JADE Can't you just cover my eyes when we get there? ALIX No, I've already told you there's a surprise. From the moment you know there's a surprise onwards, it's eyes shut missy. Those are the rules. Poor Jade is bumped into the side of a catering table. ALIX You know you're not very good at this. AH, good, we're here. And with only one injured passer by to concern ourselves with... later, of course. Distant sounds of someone moaning in pain at being trampled as soon drowned out by the muffled sounds coming from inside the locker room Jade has been stopped in front of. Looking confused, Jade turns to Alix, who motions her inside. And despite being understandably wary of any of Alix's best laid plans, Jade opens the door of the locker room... ...to be greeted by a room full of OAOAST superstars and personnel, who all let out a cheer upon seeing her! JADE Looking shocked and just a little embarrassed at the attention Jade slinks into the room. JADE You did this for me!? Oh my God, I'm... I'm so... Just as Jade looks ready to start sobbing, Alix rushes over to punch her in the arm. ALIX No crying, you're a champion now! JADE Sorry. It's just, this is such a beautiful gesture. Nobody's ever thrown me a victory party before... and I mean, all my friends are here and... it's just... a little too muc... Alix punches the emotional Jade again. JADE Ow! ALIX You've gotta be stronger than that if you want to beat Malaysia missy! Now drop and give me 20 reasons why Stephen Colbert is funnier than Jay Leno! Go! JADE Alix, I beat Malaysia already. On Sunday. You got thrown out, remember? ALIX Uhm, vaguely. I get thrown out of a lot of places. Yeah, now that you come to mention it, I think some harsh referee dude said I had to leave for some reason. So I did and when I got backstage, I ran into this group of people who said they were The Burrough Boys. We hung out for a while, did some stuff. Everything's a little hazy after that. ...hey, where am I? With Alix's mind scrambled as ever, Jade leaves her be and walks into a celebratory hug from Melody Nerdly. MELODY Oh Em Gee girlfriend, uber congrats! [stewie Griffin voice] Victory is yours! JADE Thanks Mel. I can't believe all this. It still hasn't sunk in yet. MELODY Yeah, I figured since you hadn't changed your MSN greeting to reflect your Women's Champion status yet, it must not have. Listen, when you do, hit me up, I know how to make any facial expression you could wish for with just the help of a keyboard. And hey, I spoke to the tech dudes and they're gonna try and update the video game, No Homo, so you come out with the Women's Title by default! Won't that be bitchin'? You won't have to look in the mirror to see what you'd look like as Women's Champ! JADE Yeah. When's that game even coming out anyway? MELODY Wel... All of IGN is left holding their breath as before Melody can finish, none other than ZACK MALIBU passes by! ZACK Hey, congratulations Jade. JADE I... uh... uhm, thank you! ZACK No problem. You did a great job. Still got some of that Rodez fighting spirit I see. JADE Well, it is, like, half of my name. Well, I mean, ya know, a third of my name, sorta. Heh. ZACK Yeah. Anyway, it doesn't get any easier from here on being a champion. So keep up the good work. Zack pats Jade on the shoulder and heads off to mingle some more, apparantly unaware of Jade's increased breathing pattern. MELODY Don't tell me you've still got a crushcrushcrush on him. JADE WHAT!? NO! No, of course I don't! I mean, I never did. MELODY Suuurrre. Hey, remember that time I got you smashed on my homemade quote-un-quote lemonade recipe way back when? "Oh, I know he's my big brother's best friend, but he's soooo sweet to me", hiccup, go dizzy, puke on my Mom's carpet and all over my PS2. JADE Okay, so maybe I used to. But that was like two years ago, I was young and stupid... and couldn't hold my drink, apparantly. That doesn't mean anything. MELODY Oh. Well, good, because I read on the message boards that he's married anyway. Melody's body language suddenly goes awkward. MELODY So... uh, how's Leon doin'? JADE No. I'm not getting involved! MELODY I just wondered how he is. JADE I know what you just wondered Melody and I don't exactly appreciate getting dragged into it. Again. Look, it's none of my business, okay. Let's talk about something else. Melody begrudgingly gives in and starts to bore Jade to tears instead by recounting her mind-blowing high scores on Guitar Hero DS, complete with a helpful demonstration, while other OAOAST wrestlers line up to give their congratulations without getting in Melody's wake. And now, a word from our non product-placement recieving sponsors... LATER TONIGHT ENTERPRISE SHAREHOLDER'S MEETING FROM RELIANT STADIUM TONIGHT! COMMERCIAL

tony, patty rule in effect, that is if you have any will to write after the browns come back and beat the boys. Our already fantastic and fancy entrance stage is made even more elaborate by its newest and latest decor additions. There are large walls constructed of metallic bars that alternate between flashing brilliant red, blue, and orange lights. Between these walls, stands a riser made of metal and highlighted by a similar light scheme. Gorgeous women, all dressed in evening gowns, and looking like they're all contestants for Miss America stand on the risers with large welcoming smiles. At the center of the stage stands a young woman with fair skin, blond hair tied into a bun, full red lips and a dress to match. Though she's unrecognized by the fans, she holds a microphone, and seems to be our host for the evening. WOMAN Hey, everyone, same old show, brand new face! The name is Melissa Nerdly, the newest Nerdly to grace your presence, and I couldn't be more excited to be making my debut in the home of baseball's Houston Astros! Even better, I've got an out of this world first assignment! Instead of standing backstage asking boring questions, I get to stand out here with a star that shines brighter than any one the Apollo 13 ever touched. I get to host the coronation of the brand new Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan! There's a huge pop from the stands in anticipation of Krista. COLE Krista beating Landon Maddix at Angleslam. MELISSA Houston, Texas, Minute Maid Park, please stand up and welcome the woman who stands tall above a field of sixteen, Miss California, Krista Isadora Duncan! The expected roar goes up from the sold out stadium audience as they get to their feet to hail the Hollywood starlet. As triumphant, Miss America style music booms in the background, the ladies on the risers applaud politely as any good beauty pageant contestant would do. In 7th heaven with all the prime examples of female beauty around, Krista struts onto the stage, looking as gorgeous as always in a shimmering beaded blue strapless gown. Krista is clearly a pro at the beauty pageant game, toting her MITB briefcase in one arm, and waving to her adoring fans with the other, and flashing a million dollar smile. When she reaches Melissa the two blonds exchange a quick peck on the cheek. “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” MELISSA Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us for this magical moment in OAOAST history. At this time we have reached the moment crown Miss California the official and first ever Miss Money In The Bank. Wear the crown with pride and honor. Melissa is handed a beautiful, sparkling, jewel encrusted crown from a nearby stage hand, as one of the models from the riser's passes Krista an overflowing bouquet of roses. Melissa attaches the tiara onto Krista's head, not seeing her gushing smile, but certainly feeling Krista waggle her tush against her. That explains the smile. KRISTA Honey, don't worry, its a Hollywood thing, its what we do. BUTT grinding is the new black. Trust me, I went to graduate school. God, this is a lot different than when I did these pageants when back when I was a teeny tiny little alcoholic. I don't have my mother screaming “Second place? Second place? I didn't lug you around in my womb for nine months for second place, you miserable bitch!” And today unlike my first ever Little Miss Pageant I didn't also walk into a pole in front of the judges and have my fragile eight year old ego reduced to tears by my mother shouting "You horrible degrading rodent, is this what I raised you for? Is that you gift to me for giving you the gift of life?" Why did you bring up these terrible memories, Melissa? MELISSA I...I...I'm sorry? I didn't know? KRISTA You're a pretty girl, so I'll let you slide. If you were Terry Taylor they'd be trying to talk me out of using the pyro rockets to launch you into the next century. Now for my acceptance speech. Usually, people just tune into these things to see cute girls in bikinis. But, I'm not wearing a bikini, so I better find something poignant and intelligent to say. Normally, what I'd do is ignore all the jealous hateful stares from the girls my wonderful breasts just trounced, and ignore the urge to shake these wonderful breasts in their face and scream "In yo face, ho, in yo skank ass face!" and compliment them on a job well done. So, in that spirit, I'd like to compliment my every Money In The Bank opponent on a job well done. Like to, but I can't. I don't very much remember who I faced in the first round, the Undertaker knock off I fought in the second round believed I could shoot lasers from my eyes which is absurd everyone knows they're concussive force blasts not lasers, I fought Leon Rodez in the third, and I promised Jade I'd go every other month without finding new, creative, and hopefully mortally wounding ways of torturing him, so I have to wait three more weeks before I can deploy the homing missile Alix bought off the Iranian black market. A little pricer than the Hong Kong one, but we always leave with a smile on our face and a greater understanding of the teachings of Islam. MELISSA That leaves, Landon Maddix. “BOOOOOOOOO!” KRISTA Lil Maddy! Don't you dare boo my Lil Maddy, he was a real trooper. He gave me a run for my money...in the bank! Ha! See, I'm not just a pair of tits, I'm a pair of tits with a mastery of simple puns. Back to my Lil Maddy, he was a tough, tough matchup. Though I did bite his nose twice, force him to admit to be hung by his nipples as a grade schooler, sexually aroused him several times in front of his girlfriend, and then made sweet monkey love to that very same girlfriend back at my five star hotel, although that came after the match, so you can't use that to discredit his fine effort. MELISSA Three cheers for Landon Maddix? “LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!” MELISSA I guess I won't be asking any of you to sing for he's a jolly good fellow in his honor. KRISTA Proper etiqutte says I'm supposed to thank people, but being nice isn't my strong suit. But I ought to thank Theodore Moneymaker, for making this entire event possible, and offering up 15% of his shares in TSM making it even more joyful when I finally hit the KIDology on Landon Maddix. Theodore, have we learned nothing from the deaths of BIG and Pac? Let's stop the violence and increase the peace, my brother. I know you got a crush on me, but unless you're living some weird version of Single White Female, you don't attack the people you love! Its not a good look! I heard that on BET. Not a good look. Here's something that is a good look, though, thanking my fantastic girls, Maya and the new OAOAST Women's Champion...big smile!...Jade. I love em too pieces, more than any mother could ever love her kids. I probably would've gotten around to evisercating Landon with a nail file strictly on principle of him having a penis and me hating anything that happens to have that buddah forsaken object. But, when he and his gang of immigrants allowed into this country by the republican's hypocritical immigration policy attacked me, I knew I had to strike back as an example for my daughters. What if Maya was on the playgrou...actually, Maya's a bit of a bully on the playground, and would most likely gather up the immigrant groundskeepers to attack anyone who dare says Joe Jonas is hotter than Zack Effron, must be from her father's side, Duncan girls are as sweet and charming as they can be. And if Jade is on playgrounds at her age...then well that must be from her father's side also, because have you seen any of Leon's movies? Who knows what twisted shit the Rodez are into, when they aren't on camera and bound to the United States laws prohibiting bestiality. Melissa tries her very best to erase any images of bestiality from her mind. KRISTA How did I wrap these things up? Oh, yeah, I got it now. In closing, I will represent the true spirit of the American dream within the OAOAST. I will do as little work as possible, while demanding as much money as possible, and then complain about my unfair work to pay ratio as much as possible. I will not cash in my world title shot, unfairly and unjustly, taking advantage of the world champion's possibly life threatening injuries, hopefully life threatening injuries, better be life threatening injuries, after a hard fought match. I will wait until he's hit by a truck, or bus, or if Alix's time machine ever gets going a T-rex ridden by Eleanor Rosevelt and Janis Joplin, and after his family has a sufficient time to mourn his passing, I'd say a good two minutes, I will pin his splattered and or squished corpse for the world title. I'm not so hip on who the world champ happens to be at this very moment, because he and the number one contender seem to have been trapped in a time warp. Or maybe they said screw the biggest match of our lives, let's go see Tropic Thunder. And I can think of a few Ben Stiller movies I'd rather watch than wrestle for sixty straight minutes in a ring that is neither filled up with chocolate pudding nor a bikini clad team of Alix and Beyonce. Let's see there's Along Came Polly, Startsky and Hutch, Meet The Parents, Dodgeball, Heartbreak Kid MELISSA Madagascar? KRISTA I played a turtle in that movie, that's right. Back to my speech, I will not use my half a million dollars to help out the poor, the needy, or the downtrodden. I will use it to buy myself two new winter wardrobes from Bergdorf Goodman's, even though I live in a city where winter weather is seen as often as a competent police force. That is to say never. That is my promise to you as Miss Money In The Bank 2008! “KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” the audience sings as she happily waves her bouquet to them. [i]”My dick need no introduction Your dick don't even function My dick serve the whole luncheon Your dick, it look like a munchkin My dick size of a pumpkin Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin”[/i] COLE What the heck is he doing? The strangest theme song in wrestling history brings out a rather large chorus of jeers from the boobirds. Their chilly reception certainly isn't warmed by the appearance of the hated Mister Dick, clad in a sparkling blue vest cropped to the chest, rhinestone encrusted black chaps, with white briefs, and a rhinestone encrusted hat, saunters onto the stage. The Human Hard On looks at the pageantry and smirks, as though he can't believe the OAOAST would go to such decorative lengths for Krista. KRISTA Freddy Mercury looks at that outfit and says “Not for all the cocaine in heaven” MISTER DICK Now Ain't this a hoot n a holler? I'll get to ya'll in just two shakes of a rattlesnakes tail. I gotta set something straight. KRISTA Honey, I don't think there's very much straight about you. MISTER DICK Woman, I ain't got no time for foolishness, see! Let the record show that Angleslam, Baron Windells did not beat me! No sir, he did not. Baron Windells could not beat dick if ya gave him a tube of baby oil and instructions in ten languages. KRISTA Are you gonna be long, because I don't see my therapist until next Friday and you're starting to induce thoughts of hurting myself and/or others. MISTER DICK I'm gonna be as long as I need to say what needs to get said. Baron Windells ain't nothing but a two timin', match stealin' son of a bitch! I am a legend in San Antonio and for him to do what he done did to me...that boy deserves the ass whuppin of his life. He deserves to get his ass whipped so bad that his next of kin gonna feel it! He deserves to get his ass whupped so bad his nasty mama is gonna feel it! But, he's got a yellow streak running down his back plain as the day is long, and he ain't gonna show when The Human Hard On is around! Baron, you ain't nothin but a coward, boy! And there ain't nothing I hate more than a coward! But believe me your day of reckoning is coming, and the Dick is gonna be up your ass like flies on horse shit. KRISTA Prison Rape looks at you and says “Damn, son, you gay!” MELISSA Tell me about it. MISTER DICK Ya'll don't understand what I'm trynna say here. Just shut your mealy mouthes, open your damn ears and hear me out. Baron Windells, as far as I'm concerned is a piece of crap! His mama is a piece of crap, his daddy is a piece of crap, his brother is a piece of crap, if he ever have any kids, they're gonna be little pieces of crap running around at the piece crap of family reunion, and I bet they're gonna be retarded to! “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” KRISTA Honey, that's lovely, and all, really it is, and I hope you done darn derr get dat done darn derr cow rustlin son of a monkey's uncle, but I'm not Baron. And thank god I'm not, I had a hard enough time fitting into this dress as it is. MISTER DICK I know good and well, you ain't no Baron Windells! And he's just one of many things I gotta get off my dick! KRISTA Honey, that's between you and a licensed care provider! Are you going to start talking about me any time soon? Because, the edges of this crown are very sharp and I probably will stab you if you don't. MISTER DICK I'm gonna start talkin about you right about now! I don't know what kinda magic you pulled, what kinda hoodoo voodoo doodoo crap you did, but somehow that daughter of yer's got the women's title off Malaysia. You may have paid off the referee, you may have drugged Malaysia good and well, but you better know this, my girl's gonna get her belt back at some point. Makes me so mad to think that she don't have it. You and yer little daughter, yer just like Baron, 'cause ya see- KRISTA Its odd, I don't see any flames, or huge red men with pitchforks, or Ronald Regan, but clearly I am in hell. MISTER DICK Shaddup! Fine, I'll tell ya why I dragged my ass on out here in the first place, when I should be backstage getting well deserved praises for my role in the Texas Bullrope match. This whole Miss Money In The Bank coronation ceremony, like its some damn beauty pageant, it really sticks in my craw! KRISTA Judging from that outfit, I would think you're probably used to having things stick in your craw. MISTER DICK I said shaddup! This whole beauty pageant set up is god damn farce as far I'm concerned! All I hear about everyday stinkin' day is the beautiful, and sexy Krista Isadora Duncan. I turn on TV and there's some queer looking freak on some entertainment show and there you are being praised to high heaven about being so damn hot, by a fifty pound eunuch who ain't had pussy since pussy had him! I read Newspapers and everyone of 'em wants to talk about how you cleaned up on the beauty pageant circuit when you were younger. I read Maxim and I watch VH1 and I hear 'em all say that you're one of the ten most hottest women in the world! Krista nods and turns to the cheering audience to say “Guilty as charged” MISTER DICK And I say that ain't bullshit, you're a fine leg of lamb don't get me wrong. But what is bullshit is that they, and the OAOAST itself, wanna ignore the hottest cut of beef on this here planet...The Cocky Prick...MISTER DICK! “BOOOOOOOO!” scream the fans, as some offer MD a hateful thumbs down. Krista, not surprisingly, has entirely lost interest in the proceedings and turns to Melissa. KRISTA So, Melissa, let's get to know each other a bit better. I always like to put a personality behind the young lady I'm about to sexually harass. What's your take on televised female nudity? MISTER DICK Woman, I am speaking to you! MELISSA I am okay with it, if its tasteful. KRISTA Hmmm...I see a fat guy with a faux hawk wearing a shirt that says “Swallow or its going in your eye” and a man who's no doubt a registered voter and has as much power over who the next president is as a Harvard MBA wearing a shirt that says “I shaved my balls for this”. I don't think television gets more tasteful! So, what do you say, Melissa? I know its hard for a classy dame such as yourself to take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people, but I have the solution to that problem, I'll take off your clothes in front of eighteen thousand people. “YEAAAAAAA!” the audience screams, growing louder as Krista makes a move for the straps on Melissa's dress. MISTER DICK Ain't nobody in hell wanna see Melissa Nerdly's floppy farm girl donkey tities! “BOOOOO!” is the response MD earns from his fellow Texans, as Melissa reacts with a hurt frown. MISTER DICK Back to you Krista. Yeah, you're hotter than a whorehouse on nickel night, I'll give ya that. Yer the hottest celebrity in tinsel town. And ya got the awards and praises to prove it. But, how hard is it for ya to beat out some emaciated, skinny as all get out, Hollywood stick figures lookin like they're a missed meal away from vanishing altogether? These women yer competin' against, ain't got nothin on em, no shape, no figure, no meat, no hottness. They're so thin a strong gust of wind could probably blow em to Vancouver! You're talkin to 'em one second, you turn away for a quick bit, then you turn back and they're flying through the air like Mary Poppins! KRISTA Hey, those are my friends, you're talking about. Yes, I have friends. No, I don't keep them by my side by gunpoint. Only knife point. MISTER DICK And yer beauty pageants, that just makes me wanna have a good chuckle. You probably got a whole wall full of tiaras and sashes from all the ones you won, dontcha, Miss California? So you won a few Miss Teen Californias, maybe the runner up at Miss Teen USA. All you did was beat a couple of underdeveloped, flat chested, air headed brats! I seen beauty pageants before. You walk, you smile, and you look good, and that's it. And you looked better than darn there anyone, so congratulations on that. Congratulations on your Miss Californias, Miss Fitness USA, Maxim hottest woman, People most beautiful people, all that crap. But, I'm out here to tell ya they don't amount to a hill of beans in Mister Dick's book! You ain't never competed against the type of human being who keeps himself in the type of condition I do. Naw naw. One look at me and Michaelangelo woulda brought a sledge hammer to the statue of David because he woulda known the ideal man lies behind this flashy, sexy, perfect outfit! I walk into a city and I stop traffic well into the next state, people get out of their cars and stare for hours on hours like an alien just landed, because my beauty is out of this world. Heterosexual, homosexual, it don't matter what you are, I send your heart fluttering, and your jaw dropping, and have you coming out the closet as a devout Dickosexual. I am The Human Hard On and I turn everybody on. I am the holy grail of sexiness, a night with me is a night in Heaven's arms. You ain't never been put against someone like me. Someone that defies God's own laws of beauty, someone that exudes hot heated throbbing sex! Melissa makes a gagging motion behind Mister Dick's back, and the audience groans in annoyance with MD's unbelievable arrogance. MISTER DICK You might be able to beat Mister Ed in a beauty competition, maybe Mister McMahon, or Mister Potato Head, but, baby, you best pull in your horns if you think you can beat Mister Dick! KRISTA Listen here, Dickie, I was sculpting and toning this red hot booty, through hundreds of lunges, and leg extensions and Alix's extreme fascination with spanking, while you were out punching slabs of meat at Paulie's meat packing plant and chasing chickens with Mickey Goldmill, I don't know if that's what you wrestlers do to train, but Rocky is my only frame of reference so there ya go. Anyway, I didn't go through a week of not being able sit down without incurring horrific excruciating agony because Alix forgot the safe word, so someone like you could make it seem like kicking Eva Mendes' BUTT in the AskMen.com's “Best Hollywood Ass” reader poll don't stomp all over my two masters degrees from Standford, and your six packed stomach you probably got from my exercise videos. Hell, lord knows my bouncing boobs in those things are probably how how you got such strong wrists. COACH She means... COLE I know what she means! KRISTA I didn't win those awards because my competition was as strong as Vinny Valentine's chances of remaining employed past the new year, I won because I have a killer rack, and ass you could bounce a quarter off, beautiful blue eyes, great hair, a killer smile, cute dimples, and a voice so sexy I could talk someone into throwing their grandmother off a speeding bus, which sadly I know from experience, may that poor woman's soul rest in peace, and if I had known I'd shut down the 101 for five hours I never would've suggested it. MISTER DICK Then I guess you better prove it, little woman, because The Human Hard On ain't backing down from any word I just claimed. You can flaunt that T&A until the cows come home, but if you ain't willing to put it on the line against the guy that could make Ellen wanna hit it raw dog, than what everybody says about you don't mean nothing! MELISSA Then how do you propose you and Krista settle this? The Human Hard On grins with a mischievous satisfaction MISTER DICK A HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~! Next week on OAOAST HeldDOWN~! And, if yer so confident, that you're the hottest hottie in the OAOAST, you won't mind putting up that Money In The Bank briefcase. The audience loudly cheers such an idea, though most aren't enamored with MD's participation in the match, only his rival's. KRISTA Oh, honey, you can have the briefcase, it doesn't match anything I own. I just need the money, and the world title shot. MISTER DICK That's what I meant! MELISSA Krista, what do you say? KRISTA Slow the drunk train down, my southwestern ladybug, this thing had to be earned over a two month, sixteen man tournament full of the most grueling intense matches this company has ever seen, and you want me to put it up in a bikini contest that'd take about five minutes, or however long mass ejaculations usually do? Okay sure, why not. Bring it on, let's rumble, don't sing it bring it, let's do it, let's war, if ya smell what the Kris is cookin, don't turn your back on the wolfpac, I'm just a sexy boy I'm not your boy toy, best there is best there was best there ever will be, ooooooh what a rush, whatever it is you suck ass wrestler's say in this situation. I'm usually just amazed that you're capable of forming complete sentences, to actually pay attention to the grade school level content. Mommy, I speakey the big boy words now, I'm not so stupid! MELISSA There we have it- MISTER DICK One more thing, I ain't gonna leave it up to the obviously biased fans to decide the winner! I'm gonna handpick the judges, who are gonna prove once and for all, who's got the finest body walking this earth. MELISSA There you have it! Next week on HeldDOWN~! Mister Dick versus Miss Money In The Bank Krista Isadora Duncan in a HeldDOWN~! PoseDOWN~! Locking his eyes on Krista's chest, Mister Dick backs away with an expression of unimpressed contempt on his face. As his music plays over the speaks, Krista eyes him down with a strong disgust.

This is the show that's from Houston! And it mos def ain't seeing TSM until saturday given that its after a PPV. So ya'll cats have all kinds of time to operate no worries here. Hey why the shit don't we hold this doggy fizzile televizzle in MinuteMaid Park home of the Astros. If there's a game there on that day...fuck em those dudes ain't shit! I guess it could be worse they could be the Pirates or the Nationals. The Astros had a pitcher choke out the GM, that's hardcore shit, that's the type of thing you'd see on HD after Los Diablos corners Biff in a boiler room and drops a deuce on him

Do you like cake?

Strawberries to.

And strawberries?

Mmmm I love icing

With icing?

Yes, I do.

Alright, I guess we'll do sunday night. That seems fair. Sunday night from Minute Maid Park you worthless hoomed out bitches. Damn, it why do I keep doing that. You know I gots love for ya'll ugly ass trick ass marks. I did it again! yo, if you got a problem with sunday being too late, then speak up now, but otherwise...

Posted by Tony149, so it figures that its in San Antone. After talking with my man, because its one of our big shows we've decided to hold it in the 65,000 seat Alamodome the former home of the Spurs, and the CFL's defunct San Antonio Texans (?!!). Gets to bookin something, b.

Cheese and rice! Its really only two matches that aren't done, and maaaaaaaan I'd really really really hate to cancel the show and maybe fuck up some ppl's plans just because of two matches. But, I leave it to my adoring public to decide. What say you, adoring public, do I look better with longer hair or wavy short hair, and do we cancel this week's show?

remember you miserable bastards saturday! Saturday! I'm sorry about the miserable bastards comment that wasn't right or helpful. One love.

BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen... your following contest, set for one fall... is the FINALS of the OAOAST MONEY IN THE BANK TOURNAMENT!! In which, the winner will recieve $500,000 in prize money... Cut to the side of the ring, where Terry Taylor inexplicably models the suitcase full of bills like a Price Is Right extra. BUFFER ...and, the opportunity to challenge the OAOAST World's Champion at any time for up to one year! At this time, introducing, finalist number one. Down go the lights in the arena, to almost dark, save for a couple of roving spotlights scanning the entrance way. In the silence whistles and cheers can be heard from the crowd, eagerly awaiting this marquee match-up. No cheers go up for the cueing of the music though, largely because nobody was expecting to hear 80's power ballad "Shadows Of The Night" right about now. Confusion hangs over the crowd as two bright lights illuminate the rest of the entrance way from above the lone-star shaped big-screen. "We're running with the Shadows Of The Night So baby take my hand, you'll be all right Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end" As the drums kick in, those hoping and expecting yet another new theme song for Krista (and let's be honest, who could blame them?) are sorely disappointed, as it's LANDON MADDIX who walks out through the entrance with his arms raised triumphantly at his sides! Landon soaks in the rocking 80s sounds under the boos ringing through the arena, flanked by Megan Skye who is the only one of the two to show any embarrassment over the new song choice. In his element, Landon does a quick twirl into a dramatic bow before ruffling his hair and marches down to the ring. COACH Only Landon Maddix! Only Landon could come out to a song like this! COLE Only Landon Maddix WOULD come out to a song like this you mean? BUFFER Accompanied to the ring this evening by his 'Perfect 10', MEGAN SKYE! He hails from Huron, South Dakota, by way of Madrid, Spain... weighing in tonight at two hundred and eight pounds. He is the leader of Cucaracha Internacional, the Commissioner of the Smartmarks Wrestling Federation, the former OAOAST Champion of the World... he is LLLLAAAAAAAANNDDDDOOOOOOONN... "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMMAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" "You said - oh girl It's a cold world When you keep it all to yourself" Landon slows down his walk in accordance with the song, wearing an even bigger smile on his face than usual tonight. Nodding his head he stops in front of maybe the one and only person in the entire city of San Antonio cheering him and shrugs his shoulders, 'humbly' asking that person to save his applause in a show which fools no-one. "I said you can't hide on the inside All the pain you've ever felt" Of course the rest of the fans lined down the aisleway are all giving him the thumbs down, or other fingers up, so he quickly veers away from the barricade and back to his usual source of support, Megan Skye. "Ransom my heart, but baby don't look back Cause we got nobody else!" Grabbing Megan around the shoulders, Landon can contain himself no longer and sings along at the top of his lungs, fist clenching, arm pumping, feeling the power of the ballad take over him! "We're running with the Shadows of the Night So baby take my hand, you'll be all right Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end" COLE Landon clearly in fine form here tonight at AngleSlam. And you couldn't blame him for being extra confident, after the debacle that was that 'debate' this past Thursday night on HeldDOWN~! The sneak attack by the members of Cucaracha Internacional on Krista, who was driven through that podium by the monstrous Faqu, before Landon delivered the Go To Sleep and scored a phony pinfall. Completely unneccessary from all concerned. COACH Hold up, what do you mean 'phony pinfall'? Did he pin Krista for a 1, 2, 3 or not? COLE Well he did... COACH Exactly. COLE But first of all, it wasn't a referee counting. And second of all, we don't know that Krista wouldn't have kicked out if she had to. The fact remains Krista has never been pinned in one on one [i]competition[/i] in her long OAOAST career and if you're seriously going to count that sham last week as a pinfall, then... well, then I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But you shouldn't, that's the point. Climbing up the ring steps Landon saunters down the apron, waiting for Megan to sit herself across the middle rope to hold it open. And, just as importantly, waiting for his music to catch up with him, before bounding into the ring, spinning triumphantly with arms out-stretched in as grand a gesture as possible. "We're running with the Shadows of the Night So baby take my hand, you'll be all right Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end" COLE It's usually Krista who makes the grand entrances come Pay Per View nights. I think even she's going to be able to match the grand, over the top energy of Landon. Which is kinda scary when you think about it. Landon is disrobed of his trenchcoat and begins to warm up. BUFFER And introducing his opponent... Excitement is renewed now, as all eyes turn to the entrance way. Stood across from each other stand two cowboy costumed cowgirls in a heated face-off. Turning back to back, they step out ten paces before reaching into the holsters around their waist, turning... and just then the smooth yet funky synthesized melodies of MGMT's Electric Feel kicks in and the cheers grow ever louder as the fans rise to their feet. "Shock me like an electric eel baby girl turn me on with your electric feel Ooh girl shock me like an electric eel baby girl turn me on with your electric feel" The entrance stage is buried in a harmonious, almost sensual and enigmatic turquoise light. Silver sparkling snow begins to lightly rain down from the ceiling, glittering beautifully in the lighting. Out from the back comes Krista, dressed in a ruffled pink ballgown and looking shocked at the gunfight about to erupt. She shrieks for the cow'boy's to quit their fighting, because there's plenty of this fair maiden to go around! Discarding their guns, the two women rush over and embrace Krista, before simultaneously tearing away the ballgown to reveal Krista's wrestling attire, which is only a little more suitable and traditional than a ballgown to be fair. More girls jog out, all dressed like extras from a Preston Sturgis movie. The girls then perform a seductive hoedown (never thought I'd be typing those words) around Krista. COLE I can't believe I ever doubted Krista was toppable. Standing at the height of the stage, at the center of everyone's attention, Krista Isadora Duncan is handed a martini by one of her dancers dressed in a bartender's costume and she raises it in salute to her dancers before downing it in one. Unfortunately the bartender dancer was only supplied with one martini and it looks like Krista might find use for the discarded guns for a second. BUFFER And the opponent... from Los Angeles, California! She is a best selling author, a fitness queen, an inductee into The Hollywood Walk of Fame and star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos, the star of the VH1 reality show the look of love, the Angle Award winning female personality of the year... she is "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KKRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSTTAAAAAAAA... IIIIIISSSSSAAAAAAAAADDOOOORRRRRRRRAAAAAA... DDUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCAAAAAAAAAAAANN!!!! "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Leaving the Texas themed insanity behind her Krista marches down the aisle, already casting an icy glare towards Landon. COLE One thing we've come to realise here in the OAOAST... making Krista angry is rarely, if ever, a wise thing to do. COACH I think last week proved, the Krista we once knew isn't the same Krista. The Krista we've come to realise stuff from wouldn't have been pinned on Thursday night, would she? COLE Okay, I can see you're going to keep dwelling on that so let's change the subject and remind everybody, this is for $500,000 of Theodore Moneymaker's own money and the Money In The Bank World Title contract. Plus of course, 15% of Theodore Moneymaker's TSM shares in the offering should Landon defeat Krista, which he says he will use to get the SWF back on television. Huge stakes in this first time match-up, and with these two involved this should certainly be some spectacle. Krista's legs glide across the apron, then attach themselves to the third rope. She bends herself backwards to the audience's delight, showing the dexterity to still flip the camera off before levering herself gracefully into the ring. Landon watches all of this from a seated position on the turnbuckles, with the nerve to accuse Krista of milking her entrance too much. COLE Pot, Kettle, Cucaracha. Jumping down from the ropes Landon goes over strategy one last time with Megan before she's moved out of the ring. "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" "KRIS - TA!" COLE This crowd in San Antonio right behind Krista from the get-go, as we get ready for this historic tournament final. *DINGDINGDING!* Even with sixty thousand screaming fans firmly standing against him, and a foe firing off a stare that could pierce through steel, Landon is as arrogant and obnoxious as ever. Fluffing his shaggy hair, he struts to Krista with his mouth twisted into a smirk. “I pinned you on HeldDOWN~!” He begins, not phased by Krista's hateful glare “I pinned you and I had a three hundred pound man ram your head through a wooden podium at that. You got any comeback for that, Sara Silverman? That's a comedian right? I think so. Yeah, ya got any come back for that, Sara Silverman?” “Well, honey, I do have this...” Krista trails off innocently and then not so innocently uses her teeth to peel the skin right off Landon's nose! As the fans let loose a monstrous roar, Landon himself lets loose one as well, only his is scream is caused by a horrific pain. 
“Virgin Mary in a strip club! You bit me!” He shouts, covering his nose and cowering away from Krista. Krista puts on her most sickeningly sweet smile “What did you expect me to do?” “Compliment me on my ingenious scheme or fine choice of new entrance music. Or maybe just slap me?” “Oh, honey, and mess up my French tips? Never!” Having had enough of talking with Landon for the moment, Krissy latches onto his arm and throws him into the ropes. He bounces off the cables, and as he returns he leaps forward and raises both his knees to strike her. But Miss California is far quicker than Mister South Dakota, and surprises him with a Lou Thez press. Together they crash into the ground, with the audience loudly rooting on the former OAOAST tag champ. While being mounted by Krista might be a pleasurable position most of the time, its certainly not one currently as she goes back to feasting on what's left of his nose! Maddix's throat pours out shrill shrieks of agony, that are hardly heard over the cheering of the fans. He tries his damndest to remove the vampric babe, but such resistance only makes her more inclined to bite harder. COLE I'm going to guess Landon is probably regretting pissing Krista off at this moment. Krista finally dismounts Maddix, and chuckles softly. La Cucaracha doesn't find quite the amusement as she does and complains to senior referee Clem Buzzlefoxer about Krista's foray into cannibalism. “You daft idiot! You're standing two feet away from us! Do you not see her gnawing on my nose? Are you legally blind?” “Yes.” The 86 year old referee bemoans, and Maddix just sort of frowns, humiliated. “This has been lessons in being a dickhead with Landon Maddix. Up next [i]How To Break Your Shoe Off In Landon Maddix's ass and still keep your girlish charm[/i] with celebrity fitness guru Krista Isadora Duncan” She comments. To further aggravate her short tempered rival, she begins clicking her heels against the canvas, and urging him on like a Matador. Already snarling like an enraged bull, the Spaniard needs no further invitation and charges her. However, Miss California gracefully slides out the way and Maddix goes zooming past. He stamps his black leather boots on the mat in frustration, which only grows worse when he sees Krista bow to an adoring audience! Once again the GLAAdiator waves him on, and once again Landon charges on. But he's foiled a second time by Krissy's fancy footwork, and the Hollywood starlet bows to the fans once more. In an unusual act for her, Krista notices Landon's fierce glower, and feels a modicum of sympathy for him. “Honey, I'm sorry! It was wrong of me to play into sterotypes of the Spanish by doing a matador bit with you. If it makes you feel any better, why don't you just throw a quarter on the ground and I'll pick it up and you can call me a cheap Jew.” “I'd think I'd get a little more satisfaction out of beating you for the Money In The Bank contract.” “And I'd get a little more satisfaction out of having your girlfriend in a whipped cream bikini in my bedroom, but we've got to be realistic. Now hurry up and give me my quarter, you lazy Italian!” “I'm Spanish, and anyway, I'm not listening to you!” Landon remarks to himself as much as to Krista and then darts at his rival. Krista casually scoots out of the way of his advance and watches with bemusement as he slams into the ring posts., wondering why he charged her when she wasn't doing the matador bit anymore. Putting that issue aside, Krista's long legs carry her towards Landon and her knee is implanted directly into his jaw. Maddix offers a low moan of misery, but the covergirl barely notices he's even there as she's too concerned with fixing her hair after noticing a few loose strands in the video screen. Once she's assured that she's ready for a Panteen commercial, she tucks her knees into Maddix's chest and monkey flips him towards the center of the ring! But, La Cucaracha comes down on his boots, albeit slightly off balance. That doesn't stop the SWF and OAOAST's resident egomaniac from celebrating though, as he points to his noggin to let the audience know how smart he is. His claims of intelligence are quickly refuted as Krista shocks him with a running face crusher, that plants his sore nose into the canvas! [color="#FF0000"][font="Arial Black"]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!” [/font][/color] Face down on the canvas, Maddix moans about Krista's usage of the face crusher, not an illegal move, but with a near broken nose, minor things like rules hardly apply. Yawning with apathy, Krista's laidback Californian accent responds, “Get up, Little Maddy. Why do you care if I take a few inches off your pig nose? You're an oink and a curly tail away from the lead role in the next Babe movie. If this SWF thing doesn't work out, and I don't know why a direct to DVD wrestling promotion possibly wouldn't, you can always try the county fairs.” “I'm not listening to you, you vapid bimbo!” Landon shouts. “If you win you'll get a blue ribbon.” COLE Why did you make her mad, Landon? Not exactly keen on the idea of working the county fair circuit, the SWF boss leaps to his feet. Krista pounces him by slashing her heels against his shin, and then spinning through the air to blast him in the stomach. The wind knocked out of him, Maddix goes staggering backwards. But, Krista catches onto his wrist and attempts to hurl him into the corner. La Cucaracha shifts his body weight and reverses the hold to send Miss California rushing to turnbuckles. She hits the corner posts with such impact, that she flips through the air and winds up situated on top the ring posts. So dazed by that nauseating trip up the posts, she fails to notice her foe sprinting to her position. When she does become aware of his location, its too late for her to react, and he spring boards off the ropes and blasts her in the face with a dropkick. She's tossed from the turnbuckles and sent flying through the air, a trip that comes to a violent end when she crashes to the mats. The Alamo Dome gasps in horror as they watch Krista lie motionless on the mat. Landon just leans over the ropes and stares her with evil beady eyes. “I'm earning my five hundred thousand tonight! That had to be at least a ten thousand dollar dropkick right there.” He boastfully remarks, as he exits the ring and positions himself on the ring steps. He motions for Krista to get to her feet. But quickly losing patience, he attacks her with a leaping forearm as she reaches her knees. Krista sags back to the ground, besieged with terrible pain. Pleased with that blow, Maddix announces to no one in particular that it was a twenty thousand dollar forearm. [color="#FFA500"][b]“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”[/b][/color] Landon grabs their heroine by her golden blond hair and leads her upright. He deposits her limp figure into the ring, and then follows her inside. As Landon returns to the ring, Krissy begins a slow trip upright. But whatever threat she may have posed him is immediately neutralized by four stiff kicks to her legs. COACH Those legs are insured for ten million dollar, man. You mess with those you gonna have to rob the money in the bank when those dudes from Lloyds of London come knocking on your door step. Weakened by Landon's unrelenting assault, Krista is unable to prevent him from taking hold of her slender waist and shoving her into the corner. As she hits the ring posts an “oomph” is forced out her bubble gum pink lips, and a smile is forced onto Landon's who deems that a two thousand dollar attack. He then attacks her bare stomach, hitting her with with all the might in his lean body. But as a fitness queen, Krista's six packed stomach could deflect bullets, and Landon's attacks as furious as they may be, are only minor annoyances. Megan realizes this rather quickly, and informs Landon. But ever the stubborn one, the pride of Madrid has to strike her two more times before discovering he's having hardly any affect. Angered by the fact that she's not an obese slob with a soft stomach, Landon pulls her away from the ropes in order to terrorize her with a trio of knees that strike against her face. Miss California whimpers in distress which causes her tormentor to feign tears and then burst out laughing. [color="#8B0000"][b]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/b][/color] COLE You probably shouldn't attack Krista's face, unless you just like living in mortal fear for the rest of your adult life. Then go right ahead and enjoy using handicap parking till your dying day. Perhaps heeding Cole's wise advice, Maddix spins behind Krista and coils his arms around her sexy stomach in a waistlock. As La Cucaracha tries to bring her up for a German Suplex, the bombshell steadfastly fights against her clutches. Yet its obvious to her she won't be able to combat his strength forever, thus other measures are required. Thus she begins grinding and rubbing her her firm round tush against his crotch. All thoughts of a German suplex are erased as her luscious BUTT sends a tidal wave of pleasure washing over him. COACH Damn! Landon better pack heat and roll with the Nation of Islam anytime he's backstage around one of D*LUX, 'cause those dudes just lost their shit! Reduced into a drooling primate in dire need of a new change of tights and some tissues, Landon is unable to maintain his grip and Krista effortlessly busts free. She whips around to his front, and with a hand on his shoulder brings him down with a jaw breaker! Maddix remains upright, but goes teetering backwards, his vision swimming from the violent force of the move. Because of his mangled sight, he can't prevent Krista from lacing her ten million dollar legs around his neck and hurling him over with a frankensteiner! Landon's head rings louder than a cathedral bell and he's sent skidding across the canvas, to the fans immense pleasure. Despite this crash landing, the silver tongued Spaniard is quick to get back upright. Unfortunately, his feisty enemy is quick to pounce on him; she leaps into him with her knees pressed against his chest for the [b]KIDology[/b] (codebreaker)! The audience is ready to explode with monstrous cheers for her finisher, but Landon snuffs out their joy, by falling backwards and using his hold on her slender hips to fling her to the ropes. The crowd's delight turns to worry then finally back to delight as they watch the lithe beauty land with her feet placed firmly on the ropes. COLE Krista going for that move that eliminated Leon Rodez! [color="#FF8C00"][b]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/b][/color] “Hey, I did that all in high heels, that's damn impressive. I'm gonna need a little more than a loudly stated well synchronized reminder of what my name is.” [color="#FFA500"] [font="Arial Black"]“ALL HAIL KRISTA! ALL HAIL KRISTA! ALL HAIL KRISTA!”[/font][/color] Satisfied with being recognized as royalty, her highness flings herself backwards at Maddix with a lionsault. La Cucaracha is well prepared for her arrival and ducks beneath her ascending body. But yet again, she frustrates him beyond all belief by having a safe landing on her heels. The audience is ready to praise their queen, but she kindly informs them that won't be necessary. But the fans soon lose any reason to feel happy as Maddix shocks Miss California and captures her on his shoulders in a standing fireman's carry. Knowing full well what lies ahead, the sold out arena gets to its feet and bombards the former SWF World Champion with venomous boos. “All hail, Landon Maddix!” He shouts. “All hail the ten time SWF World Champion!” “Its only four times, Landon.” Megan corrects. “Shut up, they don't know that!” He whines. Unable to take his anger out on Megan, as that would be spousal abuse, Maddix takes it out on Krista, throwing her off his shoulder and raising his knee for the Go 2 Sleep! However its La Cucaracha who's nearly knocked into an eternal slumber, as Krista snakes her arms around his neck and smashes his head into the canvas with a crowd pleasing DDT! Assailed by a pounding headache, Maddix remains on the ground, urging the elderly referee to reward him the contest by virtue of the fact that he's never voted for cutbacks on Medicaid. COLE Landon Maddix was only a knee lift away from getting the SWF back on live TV and repeating as Mister Money In The Bank! If you have Krista set up for the kill you have got to finish. [color="#FFA500"][b]“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”[/b][/color] The audience behind Krista are given a rear view worth well more than a half a million, as Krista bends over and awaits Maddix's rise from the canvas. To bide the time she twirls imaginary guns like a wild west slinger. Fortunately, Landon rises and the miming needn't last long and Krista scorches towards him with her second KIDology attempt! [color="#FF0000"] [font="Arial Black"]“YEAAAAAAAA!”[/font][/color] But Maddix catches onto her legs and violently shoves her back to the ground, a forceful counter that even sends him teetering backwards to the ropes. [color="#F4A460"][font="Arial Black"]“BOOOOOOO!”[/font][/color] Crumbled in a heap and tormented by an agonized back, Krista is easy pickings for Maddix. He smiles broadly as he hooks onto her legs and leaps through them for a jack knife pin. Buzzlefoxer drops to his arthritic knee (and one fake leg!) to make the count... ONE! TWO! Krista's shoulder comes off the canvas, thrilling the audience, while aggravating Maddix to no end. He complains to the official, pulsing anger creeping into his voice. But he manages to calm his issues with the referee enough to return his focus to Krista. He batters her with stomps to her sore back, delighting in her every cry that his attacks generate. Unable to endure the mounting pain he brings her, she rolls across the ring floor in small hopes of making an escape. Maddix is merciless and hounds her with stomps targeted at her back. He determines he's done enough to weaken her with simple strikes and decides to move onto more deadly attacks. Thus, with a grip on the back of her vest dress he lifts her off the canvas. But just as quickly as he lifted her up does he put her back down, courtesy of a lung blower. Krista bounces off his knees onto the mat and bawls her pain, drawing worried expressions onto the spectators' faces. COACH Landon invited me out to his victory dinner, and call me Gustav because I'ma make rain on these hos! I'm gonna order me Aussie Cheese Fries with ranch dressing and fried onions. COLE I don't think that's a good idea, Doctor Doris Carnnes said that's America's least healthiest food. COACH I ain't gonna let no bitch tell me what to eat! And a female doctor? You think cause you give a woman a book instead of havin her cook you a meal or wash your feet that makes her a doctor? Just cause you teach a monkey to wipe its ass don't mean what's on the toilet paper ain't shit! La Cucaracha brings Krista to her feet and rocks her jaw with a spinning back fist. The blow packs enough punch to floor the starlet, but Maddix keeps her upright with a front facelock. He brings Krista into the skies, then punishes her by dropping her directly onto her head. As she lies face down onto the canvas, he follows that up with a twisting leg drop onto the back of her skull. [color="#FF0000"][font="Arial Black"]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/font][/color] the fans try to rally their heroine. Drawing strength from their support, Krista regains her footing. But she can't offer them the flurry of offense they've been begging for as Maddix is quick to keep her weak with straight kicks to the back. He then forces Krista onto his shoulders in the all too familiar fireman's carry hold. Inching closer to the ropes, he showcases his beautiful victim to the wrathful audience, before finally slinging her off his slim shoulders and rifling his knee towards her face! Unwilling to see any harm done to her moneymaking appearance, Krista shifts her body in midair and totally avoids Landon's finisher. The audience goes wild with glee, but Landon is paralyzed in utter shock at missing his Go 2 Sleep. Now its Krista's time for revenge, and she gets it in the most pain inducing way possible, shredding Landon's skin with a vile knife edge chop. “AHHHHHH!” Landon yells, the pain almost bringing him to his knees. “God bless America, don't do that!” “Why not?” “I had a pectoral tendon rupture when I was in grade school and a bully hung me on the monkey bars by my nipples, and I've never gotten over it. You don't wanna be like these other jerks who keep chopping me to hurt me. That's what wrestlers do. You're better than that. You're a celebrity. Stay classy, baby.” Krista thinks it over for a moment, “Gee, honey, even for a guy who openly boasts about being the commissioner of a direct to DVD independent wrestling promotion without any hint of irony, you suck a lot more than I thought. But very well, Little Maddy, I won't hit your poor widdle chest.” [B]LIES[/B] 
“SAY *CHOP* YOUR *SORRY* FOR *CHOP* PUTTING *CHOP* ME *CHOP* THROUGH *CHOP* THE PEW *CHOP*” There's a moments pause as the audience enthusiastically celebrates her beating, and Krista continues “SORRY *CHOP* I *CHOP* MEANT “*CHOP* PODIUM *CHOP* NOT *CHOP* PEW* *CHOP*! “Owwww” Landon moans, his cry coming out as little more than faint choking sound. “OWWWW? *CHOP* WHO *CHOP* THE *CHOP* FUCK *CHOP* IS *CHOP* THIS *CHOP* OWWW *CHOP* BITCH *CHOP* FUCK *CHOP* YO *CHOP* MOTHERFUCKIN *CHOP* CHEST *CHOP* WHITEBOY! I'LL *CHOP* CHOP *CHOP* THE *CHOP* MEXICAN *CHOP* OUTTA *CHOP* YOU *CHOP* BITCH!” “I...I...I'm Spanish.” Maddix whines, instantly regretting. “YOU'LL *CHOP* BE *CHOP* GOD DAMN *CHOP* KLINGON *CHOP* IF *CHOP* A *CHOP* BITCH *CHOP* SAYS *CHOP* YOU *CHOP* ARE!” COLE Landon said things would be different here at Angleslam, but he all but sealed this fate in the closing minutes of HeldDOWN~! Why oh why did you ever piss her off, La Cucaracha? Finally, Krista relents, and Landon is left to hear the raucous ovation fans instead of the sound of his skin being mutilated. As agony gnaws at his chest, his opponent takes off to the ropes. He lowers his head, hoping that she'll simply leapfrog him. This proves to be a profoundly stupid tactic, as Krista just rifles her foot into his chest. Maddix rockets back upright, as excruciating pain plays on his facial features. That's the perfect look for Krista, and the walk of famer leaps into his chest for another KIDology effort. The audience, who were ready to toast to a KID victory, are sorely disappointed when Maddix once again brushes her away from him. Their disgust is tempered somewhat when they see her come down on her heels. And that disgust is totally evaporated as those heels blast Landon in his chest with a dropsault. Krissy again lands on her feet, and further wows the audience by twisting into a standing shooting star press that nearly caves in Landon's chest. Krista then blows the audience a kiss. Ain't that sweet? [color="#FFA500"][b]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/b][/color] the crowd sings as she covers Landon for a pinfall ONE! TWO! Landon lifts his shoulders off the canvas, and the audience douses him with boos. Krista throws a nasty glare at Buzzlefoxer for a slightly slow count. Fortunately Clem is half blind, otherwise he might be a tad worried that Krista is planning on bringing his long life to a short end. COLE If Krista hit that KIDology I have to believe that not only would she pin Landon for the Money In The Bank contract with how weak his chest is, she'd probably shoot his heart straight out his back and all the way to Mars. Krista is back on her feet, making sure she hasn't got any of Landon's blood on her bright white heels. Guarding his chest like he's bundling a baby, Maddix slowly steps upright. The moment he reaches his feet Krista grabs onto his arm and launches him into the ropes. As he returns, the arrogant superstar is leapfrogged by the arrogant celebrity. Maddix skids to a halt, thinking he can capture Krista unaware with the Landon Eye. Unfortunately his plan goes up in brilliant flames as Krista executes an inverted atomic drop to his nether regions. Eager to show he's well endowed in that area, Landon screams as though he just got stabbed with an ice pick. Krista attempts to silence his wailing with the thundering superkick that completes Krista's Great California Adventure. But, Mister Money In The Bank recovers from his man pain just in time to catch hold of her boot. This does not please Krissy in the slightest. “Honey, these are eight hundred ninety five dollar pumps, if I find a single one of your little paw prints on them I'll have you in Afghanistan picking opium for a Taliban drug lord by day and working the Thailand prostitute circuit by night. I can do that, my dad's in congress.” Landon calls Krista's bluff, and while she doesn't have him working the streets of Bangok just yet, she does scramble his brains with an enziguri. Face drained off all life, La Cucaracha flips over onto the mat. With his chest exposed he's left perfect victim for the high angle double knee drop Krista drives into his chest. As Landon whimpers and the crowd cheers, Krista tries another pinfall... ONE! TWO! Landon keeps the SWF's dreams of a return to television prominence alive with a kickout. He's quickly back to his feet and tries to repay Krista for his earlier anguish with a chop to her ample chest. But the attack does nothing but leave Landon hypnotized by the boobie jiggliation he's just caused. “Try it again!” Terry shouts in a Mickey Mouse voice so as Krista won't embalm him latter. Assuring Megan that he's acting strictly on athletic motivators, he retries his effort to same gravity defying results. A delighted smile (and a few other things) rise and he winds up to send her betties bouncing. But Krista takes advantage her mesmerizing breasts to hook her arms around his neck in preparation for The Blonds Never Pay a Cover (Side Effect). She drives him down into the canvas, to a large pop from the fans. Maddix hurriedly stands back up only to be captured by the sight of her jiggling jumbos and then by a second side effect! Back to his feet and she tries to give a taste of Life In The Fab lane. However, without bouncing breasts to distract him, he has her number and counters her twist of fate efforts by driving her onto her neck with a Northern lights suplex. Maddix gives himself delighted applause for his “achievement”, a gesture that's returned by absolutely no one, not even Megan. [color="#FFA500"] [b]“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”[/b][/color] is the annoying message he hears as he makes his way towards the turnbuckles. Informing the audience that he'll make certain their cable boxes are banned from receiving the new SWF Tv show, La Cucaracha heads up top. He crouches on his nest, impatiently waiting for Krista to rise off again. Only when she does just that, he's vexed even further as Krissy complains of missing a contact. “You don't even wear cont...” Maddix's words trail off into an amazed stammering brought on by Krista's splendid bouncing BUTT. His head swims and his every nerve tingles with rapture as her buns of steel beautifully writhe and pulse just inches from his widened eyes. [color="#FF0000"][b]“YEAAAAAAAA!”[/b][/color] COLE Page 142 Chapter 7 Line 17 of KID 101: How To Be Darned Fabulous and Make Truckloads of Money In The Process reads-”You will look at my curvy BUTT” Reduced to a blubbering, and very aroused mess, Landon doesn't have the sense to notice that Krista's booty grinding has been cut short and she's closing in on him with bull rush speed. Within seconds she scales to the top turnbuckles and her knees go into his chest for a lethal top rope KIDology! But, thanks to many panicked screams from Megan, Landon rejoins us in reality, and catches Krista's body within his arms. The audience gasps in panic, that worsens considerably as they watch La Cucaracha shift her onto his shoulders in a fire man's carry position. COLE A top rope Go 2 Sleep? That's what put out Christian Wright in the first round! COACH My man took out Moneymaker's best friend in the first round, and he gonna do the job on his worst enemy in the finals! “Holla atcha boy, I gets money!” Landon screams to a horribly humiliated groan from Megan. Landon rises and so to does the booing of the Texans. He flashes them an evil grin before leaping forward and trying to swing Krista off his shoulders. That's when his plan goes array as Krista snakes her arms across his neck and pulverizes it against the canvas with an inverted DDT! The mood of the fans instantly shifts and they pour out a sustained roar for her counter. [color="#FFA500"] [font="Arial Black"]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/font][/color] COACH Damn, damn! If that'd hit Landon would've made history, Mikey. Two time Money In The Bank winner, first person to pin Krista one on one, and the man who got the SWF back on television with Da Coach lending his hip urban yet sophisticated style to their commentary booth. That incredible counter seems to have drained even more energy from Krista than Landon, as the Los Angeles native lies against the turnbuckle trying desperately to regain her fleeting breath. Thankfully there's minimal pressure put on her by Maddix, who has dragged his battered bones to the outside. He tries to discuss strategy with Megan, but given recent events is forced to explain to her that he's a man and he has needs. The subject of their bickering finally stirs, and advances onto the ring apron. This goes unnoticed by Maddix who screams like a child when she ambushes him with a flying forearm! COLE You do know the SWF has an announce team already correct? COACH Man, to hell with those no name herbs. Da Coach does it real b-i-g style. ESPN, WWF, OAOAST, I bring swagtastic magic wherever I may roam. Plus, I get away from you, and get paid handsomely to do so. Krista traces her tongue around her luscious red lips at Megan , and with her boyfriend still doing his childlike wailing, that's an offer The Perfect 10 seriously considers. Giving Megan some time to mull it over, KID grabs onto Maddix's stringy hair and guides him towards the Lithuanian (!) announce table. Her intention is to introduce his skull to hard wood, a meeting Landon wants no part of. Thus he overpowers her grip, and before she can fight back he throws [i]her[/i] into the table. The audience boos as they see Krista's anguished face magnified on the big screen. Landon, however, is more than thrilled, and fluffs his hair in triumph. COLE You don't have to like Landon Maddix, I'm not even sure Megan does, but you have to admit he's as resilient, smart, and sneaky as any superstar in sports entertainment. Maddix strides forward with a confident swagger and snares Krista into a front facelock. He pulls her limp body away from the table, and with a hook onto her mini skirt, lifts her into the air. There's short pause by La Cucaracha to let the fans register her impending doom. Then he slams her stomach first across the announce table, sending the announcers scattering, and the fans recoiling in horror. Krista goes skidding off the table to the vacated chairs. They provide very minimal cushion but not enough for her preferences and they quickly dump her to the floor that feels so cold against her bare skin. “How are those six hundred dollar heels now, honey?” Landon snorts. “Oh, excuse me, honey, I meant eight hundred, how rude of me, honey!” Krista is in serious pain, and what would normally be grounds for murder, being mocked, is met with a weak grunt of defiance that Landon can barely hear. Back to fluffing his hair, Landon merrily skips to behind the announce desk where Krista's agony paints a picture of sadistic glee on his face. With his fingers wrapped through her golden hair, he scrapes her off the floor and leads her out in front of the table. He winds up, ready to deliver a knock out blow, but as his fist heads towards Krista she blocks it with a forearm. Wild cheers fill the arena, as Krista begins ripping apart his chest with knife edge chops! But the bliss of the audience is frustratingly short lived as Maddix ends her comeback with a rake of her bright blue eyes. [color="#FFA500"][b]“LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS! LANDON SUCKS!”[/b][/color] COACH Like you said, he's resilient and he's smart! COLE He's also a cheap dirty bastard! As Krista is momentarily blinded she has no defense from Landon scooping her into the standing fireman's carry. The fans again go ballistic in booing for the G2S. But, Landon shocks them all by doing something far more deadly than his famous finisher; he throws Krista forward and lets her neck snap off the edge of the announce table! Krista's head spins, the blood pounds in her ears, and she lets out a heart wrenching shriek as she falls to the floor. COLE A modified G2S onto the announce table! What lengths won't this man go to win? COACH Why shouldn't he? He's got a half a million dollars waiting, a company depending on him, and a guaranteed world title shot. I'm out here trying to show the youngsters not to love these ho's, and you catching feelings off a lesbian bitch. That's foul. Adrenaline is pumping through Landon's body, and pure energy stalks him about the outside. Feeling nearly invincible, he shoves a camera guy out the way and climbs the ring steps to proclaim “You are in the presence of greatness! Bask in it, people! Bask in it!” [color="#FF8C00"][font="Arial Black"]“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”[/font] [/color] Pain wracked and possibly concussed, Krista doesn't even think to fight back against Maddix as he drags her off the mats. He uses her mini skirt as a leash as he walks past hateful crowd members around the ring. Upon reaching his destination, he chucks KID into the steel steps. Her head crashes into the metal, and the pain is greater than any she's felt all match. Though she's possibly in need of medical attention, Maddix refuses to offer her a second to recuperate. He grabs back onto her skit and leads her off the mat. She sags within his grip, hardly having the strength to stay upright. She doesn't need to stand much longer however, as her rival throws her head into the steps once more. As she falls back to the ground the pain becomes so great she can no longer fashion sounds, and only croaks softly. Amused beyond all right by his carnage, Landon mocks Krista's vanity by checking himself out in an imaginary compact mirror. COLE For our SWF viewers watching this on Prelude To Grandeur I just want to assure you that not all of our referees are senile narcoleptic twits incapable of performing a countout and a disqualifcation. Only six of them are. Krista is shoved back into the ring by La Cucaracha. He buries his boot in the back of her head, then watches entertained as she struggles in vain to get to her feet. After she sinks back to the canvas, defeated by her misery, he rushes in and drops an elbow onto her head. The fans spew venom at him, which causes him to lean through the ropes and smile as disingenuous a smile as his lips can possibly form. COLE Why do I never fail to be disgusted and annoyed with Landon Maddix? COACH 'Cause you a bitch, duke. Nails dug into the mat, Krista crawls across the ring. She has no clue where she's going, but only knows that movement is the only thing that keeps her conscious. But, La Cucaracha stops her dead in her tracks with another running elbow to the head. As the pain from that blow sends shockwaves through her head, she wants to pass out. But, she's held awake by Landon sitting on top of her and holding her weary face out towards a booing crowd. “Awww what's the matter, Krista? Why so glum? Your mascara running?” Landon asks then chuckles to Megan. [font="Arial Black"][color="#FF0000"]“LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!”[/color][/font] Maddix picks Krista up, and uses her vibrant hair as a leash to lead her to the corner. His plan is to use the posts to beat her into an early retirement. But Krista blocks his first attempt, and draws a mighty cheer form the fans as she hammers Maddix's face into the posts. Enraged that he would even consider touching her supermodel features, she brutally ravages his visage against the ring posts. The only thing that stops her is a warning from the suddenly awake senior referee. Not bothering to argue with Clem, Krista rushes to the ropes, timing her return to catch Landon as he stumbles out the corner. Her ten million dollar legs leap into his chest in another try for the KIDology. But, Maddix is again up to task, and recovers enough of his strength to spine buster her to the ground! [b][color="#F4A460"]“BOOOOOO”[/color][/b]hisses the audience as a hair fluffing Landon struts across the ring before coming back to assail Krista's head with his latest elbow drop. Assured that Krista's been sufficiently pummeled, he hooks her leg for what he dubs a “$500,000 pinfall” ONE! TWO! But, Krista somehow manages the strength she needs to kickout! [color="#FFA500"][b]“YEAAAAAA!”[/b] [/color] COACH Landon is so close, Mikey, so close to doing the [i]unpredictable[/i] and defeating Krista Isadora Duncan. And who better to do it than him, the only man to hold both the SWF and OAOAST world championships? Maddix crouches over, eying down Krista with predatory intent, waiting for her to stand so he can strike. She rises weakly, unaware of the vicious maneuver the SWF Commissioner has in store for her. He exposes her to his master pla, by jumping into her with a front facelock and bringing her down with a body scissors. Hisses and jeers come down from every corner of the arena, as Landon loudly announces Krista imminent submission. COLE Wet Cement! Wet Cement! “Or Grand Theft Taamo” Megan remarks, confusing Cole and anyone's who never read an SWF show. Krista wants to clutch her head, her pounding ears, to punch Maddix, anything that will drive this ruinous pain out her skull. Her body is shot through with paralyzing agony, and almost as though he can sense it, Maddix breaks out with a demented smile. He looks almost satanic smiling that smile that grows wider as Krista's eyes explode in pain. [color="#FF0000"] [font="Arial Black"]“LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!”[/font][/color] “Tap! Tap, woman, tap!” Maddix screams. Landon's words of discouragement are drowned out by the sixty thousand in the crowd, urging Miss California to find the strength needed to break free of her foe's grip. But all she does is gasp and gurgle as Maddix's hold grows ever tighter. COLE We all know Krista's never lost a one on one match in her life, but she's never submitted period. Landon is a tap out away from two historic firsts and a guaranteed world title opportunity! Krista lies there gasping her every breath labored, each one coming harder than the one before it. Her head feels as though it were on fire, and her pulse thuds through her ears. Even with all this mounted against her, and Maddix begging her to submit, Krista hasn't lost the will to continue to fight. Her hands are free, and they hammer Landon's face with every ounce of strength they can possibly muster. At first they do little more than just give the depressed fans something to cheer for. But, as both of Landon's arms are occupied with her head, they soon begin to do damage to the Spanish import. “LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!” the chants are more enthusiastic than before, in large part due to Landon's grip noticeably weakening. She continues to batter away at his face, never once stopping no matter how many times she feels her consciousness slipping away. Finally she strikes pay dirt, and a nasty punch across Landon's still sore nose causes him to break the hold and protect his face out of instinct. COLE And Krista is free! Maddix regains his footing, and his twisted grin is replaced by a twisted snarl. That anger drives him at Krista with arms raised in a polish hammer. However, she greets his arrival with spinning kick to his gut. His beat red chest is further mauled by rage fueled chops that enchant the audience. As Landon is left in a torturing haze, Krista rushes to the ropes and returns to bowl him over with a high flipping lariat! Just as soon as he touches the ground Miss California is back off the ropes and her lovely tan legs obliterate him with a crowd popping spinning wheel quick! Yet, Maddix gets up remarkably fast, and bum rushes Krissy with a lariat. Thankfully the beauty is prepared for his arrival and catches him with the Blonds Never Pay a Cover (Side Effect)! [color="#FF8C00"][font="Arial Black"]“KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!”[/font][/color] Clutching onto his sore neck, Maddix uneasily rises to face his reenergized foe. But she's no where to be found, having made another trip to the cables. By the time Maddix gets a read on her, her bare legs are leaping into him for one more try at the KIDology. Again, Maddix sternly refuses to fall prey to the move and shoves her away. Although she lands on her feet, that's of small comfort to the fitness queen, and highly annoyed, she rumbles at Maddix in blind rage. That blind rage brings upon her downfall, as Maddix simply ducks low and lets her glide onto his shoulders in set up for the G2S! [color="#FF0000"][b]“BOOOOOOO!”[/b] [/color] COACH Here we go! Weakened by such a trying match, Maddix has a devil of a time keeping hold of Krista's baby oil soaked body and she succeeds in gliding down his back to her freedom. But its freedom that doesn't last for more than a few seconds before the OAOAST's Savior shocks her with a stunner! Krista timbers back to the canvas like a mini skirted tree, and the wrathful audience assaults Maddix with jeers. While Maddix attempts to win the audience to his side with more hair fluffing, Krista rolls to the ring apron to try and still the throbbing headache that nearly cripples her. Only mere seconds later her time to recover is interrupted by Landon taking hold of her hair. He lifts her up and snags her into a front facelock. Almost immediately she tries to break out his bonds, but his strength is too great for her and he extends her body forward to leave her draped over the ropes. A quick victory nod to Megan comes before La Cucaracha DDT's his popular foe into the canvas! With his arms still tied like a noose around his neck, he rolls her upright and then strikes her with a second DDT! She's puddy within his grip as he brings her up again for a third and final DDT. The fans say a little prayer that their girl can pull through, as Maddix rolls her over for a pinfall.... ONE! TWO! Miss California sends the capacity crowd into a frenzy by shooting her shoulder off the mat just in time to keep the MITB briefcase out of Landon's possession. COACH Maddix don't need to get frustrated, cause every move that targets her head gets him a little closer to hitting that G2S and when he hits that G2S its a wrap for Krissy. COLE He has to hit the move first. I think we're in double digits for missed finishers! Landon gets to his feet and stalks across the ring awaiting his foe to stand. As she slowly begins to stir, he begins dripping with malice and rage. The ropes help her to feet, but her confused state forces her into the waiting arms of Maddix who hoists her up for his latest G2S effort! But, Krista again slithers down his front, and before this even has a second to settle in his mind, she's dropkicking him in the chest! Her powerful legs launch him clear across the ring where's he tangled in the ropes, almost a sitting duck for the GLAADiator. She lets out a roar worthy of a gladiator then stampedes towards her rival. Yet, Maddix isn't nearly as incapacitated as she believed, and she's exposed to this chilling fact when he ducks to the ground, bringing the top rope with him. Incapable of hitting the breaks on time, Krissy is thrown from the ring! Like a crippled leather bound bird she falls, letting out a long terrified scream before splattering onto the outside mats. The audience reacts with cringes and cries, not knowing if the feisty Californian can take any more punishment. For his part Landon tries to win them over and screams, “Look at all this Madnificence! You know you want it! You know you love the Madnificence!” [b][color="#8B0000"]“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”[/color][/b] COLE Did he say Madnificence? Do you really want this man on TV twice a week? You'd have Amnesty International protesting the TSM offices for crimes against humanity! Hearing Krista's cries beneath the bile of the audience, Landon senses blood in the water and quickly departs the ring. He rushes to Krista's location, wanting to get there before she recover even a smidgen of her strength. With his hand wrapped around her skimpy vest top he hauls her off the mat. Then he whips her towards the steel steps with such incredible force he himself falls to the ground. Miss California is rammed head first into the metal, completely dislodging the steps and sending worried gasps from the mouthes of the fans. Their concern isn't eased any as she rolls over onto her back, face totally void of any life. [color="#FF0000"][b]“LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!”[/b][/color] COACH Damn, when Landon Maddix gets back to the SWF lockeroom, they better stand up and praise him as a leader, and a hero because my man is going all out here tonight. COLE He's ramming a single mother of two who weighs over fifty pounds less than him into steel steps. He's a greater American hero than John Wayne. Maddix roughly yanks her upright and deposits her back into the ring. He quickly scampers inside himself, where he hooks her leg for a crucial pin fall... ONE! TWO! Krista hauls her shoulder off the canvas at the last possible second, and the fans rejoice with more chants of her name. While Megan reacts with total disbelief at Krista's escape, Landon only shrugs his shoulders in cool arrogance. But, his girlfriend can't find his unshakable confidence and hastily begins barking orders. “You've got to try the Go 2 Sleep!” She shouts. “Instead of being miss negative all the time,” Krista comments “Why don't you be miss help a playa out by jumping onto the apron and taking off your top to distract Krista?” Enraged that Krista can even formulate a complete sentence, much less solicit his girlfriend, Maddix bum rushes wrestling's favorite lesbian cougar. But Krista meets his arrival with an elbow that sends him staggering backwards. Landon's moment of incapacitation gives her all the time she needs to springboard off the second rope and strike him with an enziguri! As the spectator toss humongous cheers in the air, a lifeless Maddix flops to the floor, and Krista begins fluffing her wonderful hair. One might assume she's mocking him, but given how narcissistic she is its doubtful she even knows he does that. COLE Well, Megan and Landon always have a plan, its just sometimes Landon isn't quite smart enough to follow it. Krista skedaddles outside the ring and ventures towards the top rope. She provides the money in the bank match a true money shot by reaching the top in the most bent over way possible. Megan, realizing, that such an attack could spell doom for her beau and the SWF rushes onto the apron to distract Krista. Annoyed, Miss California wonders why she's wasting her time if she's not topless or planning on getting topless. The answer of course is that her distraction allows Landon to scamper up to Krista's position. He begins hammering Krista with forearms to the throat, as the fans hold their collective breath out of fear. After several strikes hit home it appears their fears may be realized as Maddix is now able to wrap her left arm across hid right. The noise of the audience grows louder, as they desperately urge Krissy to fight off Maddix's attack. Not one to disappoint her fanbase, Krista counters by cursing Landon with an indescribable pain brought on by the Blue Ball Special (testicular claw). Or does she? Krista gropes and gropes, and seemingly comes up empty handed. She tries again and again, hoping to strike pay dirt, but has no luck. Finally she shrugs her free shoulder and shouts out there's nothing there! [b]“BALLLESS WONDER! BALLLESS WONDER! BALLESS WONDER!”[/b] “I have balls!” Landon whines. “I have balls the size of California!” “You have balls the shape of a sock?” Krista wonders. “No, the size! Shape refers to the external form or appearance, whereas size is the relative dimensions or magnit...look, just feel my balls, okay? Just feel them! I derive no pleasure from it! I swear!” Wrong thing to say, my friend. Krista angrily shoves her would be sexual harasser off the ropes. Even though he comes down on his feet, that's of little use to him as Krista puts him on the ground and wows the crowd with a shooting star press! Landon is left on dream street, exhausted, humiliated, and on the verge of defeat. All things he promised wouldn't happen to him against the walk of famer. He lies face down the mat, barely able to hear the words of encouragement Megan shouts at him. COLE That just connected perfectly with Landon's chest! Is this the end for Landon Maddix? COACH Son, you musta lost it! I wanna know what you been smokin on to think that. Landon Maddix thrives in high pressure matches, this is just another day at the office for him Hunching over to await Maddix's rise, Krista treats the audience to another bootylicious view. And when La Cucaracha rises she rushes forward to treat him to an induction into the church of KIDology! But, yet again, Landon refutes her efforts and jostles her away. She falls back on her feet, but hasn't time to prepare herself before Maddix astonishes her and the crowd with a KIDology of his own! COLE Landon Maddix hit the KIDology! I don't believe it! Even Landon himself seems surprised to have accomplished what Krista's failed at all match, and he beams a smile brought on by a euphoric high. As the audience boos his stealing of Krista finisher, he covers her body. ONE! TWO! Krista kicks out, a great shock to an audience that resigned themselves to an inevitable second world title run from Maddix. [b][color="#FF8C00"]“LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA! LET'S GO KRISTA!”[/color][/b] Though mortally exhausted, both competitors find the will and the strength within them to head to their feet. Their only motivator is the briefcase resting in Terry Taylor's lap. For the moment its Landon who seems to want it more as he slashes his boots into Krista's heavily insured legs. As she's weak on her feet, he runs the ropes, preparing to strike her with a shining wizard when he returns. But when he reaches Miss California, she lowers her body and captures him onto her shoulders. Maddix shrieks in horror, and the audience pops huge, neither one noticing Krista is barely able to support his two hundred eight pounds. Thankfully for her and the fans, her legs hold up long enough for her to crush him with his Go 2 Sleep! [color="#FFA500"][font="Arial Black"]“YEAAAAAAA!”[/font][/color] COLE Go 2 Sleep Landon Maddix, your money in the bank dreams have just turned into a nightmare! Landon's body contracts and convulses on the ground, and he screams in pain; its quite the spectacular image to a woman who's tried so desperately to put him away. She hooks his leg, and all of the Alamo Dome counts along. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! Maddix kicks out, and the fans are infuriated! They blast the referee for not making a quicker count, and Maddix for even managing to pull through his dangerous finisher. Krista decides to let the voices of her sixty thousand closest friends deal with the ref, and gets to her feet to deal with Maddix. [font="Arial Black"][color="#8B0000"]“BOOOOOO!”[/color][/font]holler the audience, their attention shifting from Buzzlefoxer and Maddix to the man who trots down the entry ramp. Its Landon's loyal lackey, James Blonde, clad in a SWF Prelude To Grandeur t-shirt. But perhaps a more troubling concern to Krista's legion of fans is that Megan Skye through a swift kick to the skull has forcibly removed the cash filled briefcase from Terry's possession. Taylor tries his hardest to recover the briefcase, but Megan will have none of that and stomps him down. COACH Terry Taylor you're a two hundred plus pound wrestler and you just got bullied by a one hundred twenty pound woman. If she loses this match, Krista is gonna have yo ass hanging from rafters by meathooks. Hollering a torrent of profanities at Krista, The Trendsetter reaches the apron in one graceful leap. His cruel words draw the attention of the hot headed Californian, while Megan draws the attention of Buzzlefoxer. Although he's standing mere inches away from her, his god awful sight lets her sneak the half a million dollar briefcase to the waiting hands of her boyfriend. COLE Megan gave Landon the briefcase and she has Clem distracted! Turn around, Krista! Indeed that would be a prudent action, as Landon is wielding the briefcase like a battering ram and charging towards Krista. But, as he's only a few inches away from dashing her world title hopes, the SoCal babe turns away from Blonde and catches his leader with the KIDology! Hands held onto the briefcase, Maddix hasn't any way of shoving Krista away this time. He finally experiences the horrific pain he's avoided all night long and his jaw and chest are brought directly into the hard surface of the case! A roar that's both a mixture of excitement and relief rushes through the stands at the sight of Landon flopping over to the mat. COLE Krista hit it! She finally hit the KIDology! With Megan's skin turning a shade of milky white and her body on the verge of fainting, Krista hooks her man's leg for a pivotal pinfall. At the urging of sixty thousand screaming wrestling nerds, Buzzlefoxer scores the fall. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! CROWD THREE! And with that three count comes an outpouring of mammoth cheers from the sold out crowd, everyone on their feet, celebrating as if they themselves just saw the culmination of a grueling two month tournament. MGMT's Electric Feel just adds to the wonderful festive atmosphere. On the outside, Terry Taylor can breath the greatest sigh of relief of his life, because after all being hung by your ass from meathooks probably hurts. BUFFER The winner of the sixteen person Money In The Bank Tournament, and half a million dollars of Theodore Moneymaker's money....KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN! COLE Ladies and gentlemen, Krista Isadora Duncan has done it! On the night that Little Miss California has become the women's champion, Miss California has become Miss Money In The Bank! What a day for the Duncan girls! COACH Mister Moneymaker, if you're watching I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Indeed Theodore Moneymaker is watching, as we cut backstage to his dressing room and find his head buried in his hands in an infinite sorrow, and Mackenzie struggling to find the words to comfort him. Back in the ring, Megan cradles Landon in her arms, her lips brushing her sweat soaked skin, her long fingers caressing his withered face. Though motionless, Landon is very much awake his eyes hardened by the loss, his heart keenly aware of the emptiness left behind by the future that was taken away from him. Elsewhere Blonde heaps plea after plea upon Buzzlefoxer to rescind his ruling and call for a disqualification of Krista. There's nothing to be done, however, and his idol is just another name in the long list of people to fall victim to Krista. COLE Landon Maddix promised he'd repeat as Mister Money In The Bank, he promised he'd win the half a million dollars, he promised he'd return the SWF back to television, and he promised to do the [i]unpredictable[/i]. But, La Cucaracha, tonight belongs to Krista Isadora Duncan, and that's oh so predictable! Krista is the happiest she's ever been in the OAOAST. Though that's not saying much, it does say something when she joyously falls into Terry Taylor's arms with her only intention being to celebrate with him and not belly to belly suplex him. TT feels as much bliss as she does, and enthusiastically returns her hug. As she's handed the briefcase that helped her so, delight and glow in her eyes. Winded and panting, she rises to the top turnbuckles. She beams an exhilarated grin with the briefcase clutched against her chest, and the audience and Terry showing their love with a massive ovation. [font="Arial Black"][color="#008000"][size="4"]$$$MONEY IN THE BANK 2008 WINNER$$$[/size][/color][/font] [size="6"][color="#FF00FF"][font="Arial Black"]***KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN***[/font][/color][/size]

Word 2 the streets, intros have been edited in. I'm bringing back the entrance game like Ice T brought back pimpin!