Patty O'Green

ENTERTAINING SEGMENT OF THE YEAR-HeldDOWN 3/1, Dinner and Business With Mister Moneymaker COLE Folks, the oaoast investigative bureau, dug into The Enterprise's video vault earlier this morning to unearth some interesting footage that was shot just one day ago. Let's take a look.... RECORDED WENDESDAY THE 27TH The scene is Oceanwell, a three year old Miami restaurant, owned by the infamously wealthy Moneymaker family. The amazing South Beach stunner is renowned among wealthy Miami residents for it's cutting edge cusine, and food that sings a bright flurry of notes, each announcing that you have finally reached culinary shangri-la. Though the establishment would typically be loaded down with socialites debating over whether to get the tomato gazpacho or wild venison tataki, that is not the case tonight. It's sole patron is it's owner, Theodore Moneymaker, dressed for a fantastic occasion in a thousand dollar navy suit. Beside him resides his dutiful comrade, Christopher Patrick Allen, muscular physique uncomfortably crammed into a white button down shirt and a pair of black slacks. THEODORE MONEYMAKER She's late. Very late as a matter of fact. See, I wanted to send a car out for her, chauffeur her to this five star establishment, as any man of my stature might do for a beautiful guest. But no, that floozy has effectively been brainwashed by that out-of-touch wrench of a woman. I am woman, hear me roar. Pfft. I am Theodore Moneymaker, and you don't want to feel my wrath. To stand up a member of the Moneymaker clan up is to court a punishment worse then death. Hahahahahaha! CPA (patting Theodore on the shoulder) Right on, boss. Silence ensues when the sound of a car is heard in the background, screeching tires and all. A pink sports car pulls up in front of the restaurant.[/b] Several seconds later the front door swings open to reveal the guest of honor, Miss Alix Maria Spezia. Unlike her host and his lackey, Alix isn't exactly dressed for fine dinning establishment eating. Outfitted a dark grey Abercombie t-shirt that houses the number 31 in bright orange font, and short white shorts, she certainly does not fit the restaurant's high standards of dress. Theodore is scarcely able to brush aside his intense disgust for her lack of respect for his family's time honored dress code. ALIX SPEZIA Heeeeere's Allllly! Moneymaker puts on a sign of false humility and strides across the marble floor with head bowed in respect. He takes Alix's hand in a bowed embrace, which causes her to lick him....? Well, not her exactly but her Yorkshire Terrier. Yes, you read that right. Masking disgust, he moves to her other hand. A sharp pain instantly appears on his cheek followed by a soft trickle of blood. His eyes drift to find the cause of his wound, but they don't move far as a fluffy white kitten is staring him in the face. Theo tries has hardest to appear clam and relaxed while he address Alix over her unusual tag alongs. MONEYMAKER You, uh, brought your pets with you? ALIX A horse is a horse, of course, of course! A mommy should never leave her babies at home. This is my doggie Nikki (Alix grabs the dog's paw and makes it wave) He's waving at you! Isn't he just the cutest widdle thing? And this is his kitty Shayne. MONEYMAKER They are ador....wait, stop, your dog has a cat? ALIX It was a kawanza gift. Gawd, I was such a proud grandmommy when he rediscovered his West African roots at such a young age. (to CPA) Fight the power, all the way, right, brother? CPA ALIX Yeah, right on! MONEYMAKER Is the cat a boy or a girl? ALIX We don't know, it hasn't really decided yet. I feel it's very important to allow gender identity to be a choice between feline, spirit, and possibly a pair of scissors and some band aids. MONEYMAKER Goodness, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! Christopher, my good man, why don't you attend to the pretty kitties? You know, have a little fun with them, if you know what I mean. CPA Loud and clear, boss. A sinister glee on his face, CPA takes Alix's pets into his arms. The animals have no wish to spend their time with the surly bruiser and desperately try to escape his clutches. CPA (to the pets) Be afraid of the big black man. Be very afraid. Heh heh heh. ALIX (mocking Moneymaker's trademark comic book villain laughter) Mwaaaahhaaaahha! MONEYMAKER (barely able to suppress his annoyance) Bring anymore of your stu-- I mean pets? ALIX Just Terry Taylor, but he can wait in the car. MONEYMAKER Far better accommodations then he deserves! With animal control situated, I think that introductions are in order! Aside from our unfortunate tussle at Mainframe Monday, I don't believe we have properly made each others acquaintance, I am very humbled to meet you... ALIX Woah, and I thought I had a crappy name! Very humbled to meet you? That name totally sucks! MONEYMAKER I agree. Thankfully it is not mine. I am Theodore Moneymaker, and I am humble tireless servant of a demanding and all too fickle public. The big guy over there is my personal debt collector and Enterprise Director of Security, Christopher Patrick Allen. CPA for short. And you, my beautiful starlet, are Alix Maria Spezia. I have admired you from a far for quite some time. I saw you at the Oscars on Sunday, and you were beyond stunning, a true picture of female brilliance. Dare I say you made Reese Witherspoon look like the decaying maggot filled corpse of the late Ava Gardner. ALIX That is like the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in the past twenty minutes! Yeah it was a killer time, except the whole not allowed within fifty feet of Jodie Foster by order of the California courts kinda put a damper on things. But I think with suitable brainwashing and mind altering drugs, she and I can become best of buds! MONEYMAKER What you hold in true in your heart will come true in reality, that's what I've always been told. ALIX That's funny, I was always told, if the waters blue it's for you, if it's yellow your in trouble! MONEYMAKER That could probably save you few bucks on laundry detergent, that much is for sure. Um, yes, I believe our chef, named chef of the year by the Miami Herald is almost done with dinner, perhaps we should take a seat so that we may get into the matters of the day? Moneymaker leads Alix to her seat, holding her chair out for her like a true gentlemen should. Unfortunately his moment of politeness comes to an involuntary halt when his cellphone rings. The consummate business man, Moneymaker pulls it from his coat pocket to answer the call. However his hyperactive guest, interjects herself, snatching the phone from his fingers and acting as his secretary for the night. ALIX (in a sultry voice) Hi, if you're eighteen or over and have access to a valid credit card, then stay on the line and get ready to get hot, sweaty, and horny, with the sexiest Latin babes in... Trying his damnedest not to explode at Alix's unceasing goofiness, Moneymaker snatches the phone from her hands, and nervously slides it next to his ear. MONEYMAKER Uh...hello Mr. President. ALIX The president?! Dude, would Krista love to get her hands on him. Gimmie the phone so I can give Dubbya a piece of my mind! MONEYMAKER (fighting off Alix) Very sorry about that, sir. Yes, always willing to lend my country a helping hand. This weekend? Excellent, sir. Okay...okay...okay. Bye. ALIX You didn't give me the phone! Meanie! MONEYMAKER You never said please. ALIX Oh, no! Mother told me one day that'd come back to haunt me. MONEYMAKER Well, perhaps, you might tell me a bit about yourself. You are such an intriguing individual. But so much of what I know of you is gleaned from People magazine articles or Ned's strungout ramblings. Tell me about your life. Please. He leans in the close, the candle on the table flickering bellow his green eyes. A grin passes onto his lips, letting Alix know his keen interest of her history. ALIX The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. Waaaaait, that wasn't my life, that was a monolouge from Austin Powers. Oopsie! Theodore leans back in his chair, beaming with false admiration of this unique woman. MONEYMAKER You....are like no one I have ever met before. ALIX Ya know, I get that alot. But this is the first time it hasn't been followed by an admittance to a state psychiatric facility. Shunning the idea of service with a smile, a glum waiter drags his weary carcass to the table, pushing a cart containing the exquisite entres of the night. WAITER Dinner is served, sir. Anything else I can do for you? Shoe shine? Tap dance? Soft shoe routine? Minstriel Show? MONEYMAKER No, thank you. Everything is just fine. Keep up this fine service and you might find a shiny nickel in your pant pocket when the night is over. WAITER (muttering to himself) You might find a shiny boot stuck up your.... MONEYMAKER What's that? WAITER Nothing sir. Nothing at all. ALIX Oooh lookie, your awesome waiter arranged the noodles to spell out the words “HELP ME! I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! SEND WORD TO MY FAMILY IN KENYA THAT I AM ALIVE BUT NOT WELL!” Cute! Wright turns to CPA and motions towards the waiter, nodding towards the kitchen, and angrily making a throat slashing gesture. Alix meanwhile has turned strangely serious. ALIX Not that a free trip to Miami isn't the awesomest thing ever, buuuuuuut can I ask why I'm here? I mean, you know, we're not Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts on the friendship scale. There isn't a whole lot in common between the twenty eight year old, peyote smoking, owner of a tiny gourmet cookie shop in West Hollywood, and a twenty four year old billion dollar heir, who has the ravaged facial features and eyes of eternal despair that typically belong to a forty three year old meth addict sleeping on the side of the Sunset Blvd exit on the 101. MONEYMAKER You'd be surprised. You and I really are a lot alike. ALIX Ya sure about that? MONEYMAKER Unquestionably. When you look past the philosophical differences, the sociological nuances,and exterior framework, you see that the psychological trappings are simply two of a kind. If I may be so bold, the same things make us feel good. ALIX Ooooh, like wearing thongs backwards. MONEYMAKER Okay, some of the same things. One of those things that shines light upon our hearts is the role of leadership. ALIX Oh, I have natural leadership skills. Like, in high school I was alternate assistant captain of the pom squad. But that was until they kicked me out after I got into a fist fight with our celebrity fundraiser. The cops totally overreacted! Who knew Scott Baio would be in a coma for six weeks? As for the old man who ended up in the hospital? If someone had told me he was an arch bishop ahead of time, maybe I would've told him not to smoke near the helium tank. MONEYMAKER So you understand? You, like me, are a leader of men. We are ones who shine the beacon for the lost dregs of America to follow. Forgive me if I get to personal with my commentary, but I must confide in someone. I have long yearned to ascend to the very heights of executive power within my family's expansive business ventures. But time and time again I am shut out, to no fault of my own. And why? ALIX Because you're hideously ugly? MONEYMAKER No! Well, possibly. No, because they say my time will come when I'm older....possibly wiser. Nonsense. Age is no measure of wisdom. They keep me from power, from true leadership, because it is the last hold my family has on me. This is how they control me. Once I have complete dominance over the Moneymaker empire how will they make me do their bidding? ALIX It's not like they can make you do it now. MONEYMAKER I know, I know. That's the precisely the point, my dear. I am younger then any male in the Moneymaker family. Wiser. Stronger. Better. They pleaded with me not to fight with Tony, that traitorous cancer. I left Tony for dead! He will never show his face within the oaoast again and that is because of me! The supposed strongest man in my family, turned into a weeping child at my feet. And if they can't control me now, how will they once I acquire true leadership within the family? I will become more powerful then the entire Moneymaker clan put together! That is why they keep me down. They fear my power. They fear me. ALIX Ah-ha. MONEYMAKER They fear my rise to leadership because of what I might do with it. All my life I have been instructed that preservation of the Moneymaker name was the most paramount drive of my life. Even if it's preservation came at the expense of those in need, those in the lower classes. As a young boy, even in my early twenties, I thought nothing of that order, I was concerned with nothing but sitting around the pool, and screwing anything that moved. But as I got older, I looked around, and I saw that the work of my family wasn't going towards the betterment of society as a whole. No. It seemed all my family's efforts were singularly devoted to the task of oppressing as many people as possible. I spent my whole life climbing a mountain only to find its the wrong mountain. ALIX Mountains can't be wrong! Unless they're underwater, then they're islands. MONEYMAKER That's why I formed The Enterprise, to advance my own goals of eternal love, caring, and tolerance. Sometimes our methods have been called into question. But I feel that what we're doing is for the benefit of the greater good. My conscience is not clear, but my heart truly is. But thanks to my last name and the atrocities attached to it, people have lost all respect for what I might be able to contribute. I am shunned by the left wingers as a fraud. Detested by the right as a traitor. ALIX Then why did the President call you if the right detests you? MONEYMAKER (under breath) Hmm, you're smarter than you look. ALIX Huh? MONEYMAKER I mean, when I speak for fairness and equal rights I am ignored at best, mocked at worst. My power is starting to dwindle, my leadership is being called into question. And both will surely erode should I not take hold of some kind of platform, a symbol that would cause people the world over to stand behind me, unified, knowing that I am a.....champion ALIX Can we kinda move this along? I'm starting to sober up, which might explain why I no longer see Hendrix's head sticking out of your right elbow. MONEYMAKER I'll be blunt. I need your help in obtaining that symbol. I thought winning the Anderson Cup would've been sufficient, but it's only fanned the flames of disdain! There's no satisfying these beasts! Alix Maria Spezia, I need your tag team titles. I know we're scheduled to do battle at Anglemania, but that's exactly what they want us to do. Divide and conquer. They don't want a unified front fighting for equality, they want to see us destroy each other. We can't fight. Too much harm would come from that. Now, I would do anything to ensure that you and Krista remain healthy champions for not months, but years to come. But in this current political climate, that simply isn't an option. Action must be taken, and the prestige of your championship coupled with my wealth is the exact combination we need to right the wrongs set forth by oppressors. I understand that this is an Inconvenient Truth for you, that is why I am willing to offer you a monetary settlement for your championship belts. Besieged by indignation, Ally leaps from her chair in horror, casting a disgusted look towards the suddenly pale face of Moneymaker. CPA rises from his seat, readying himself to defend his less then honorable employee should the need arise. ALIX Ewwww! I knew it! I knew it! At first I thought you just waiting till you bored me to sleep so you could slip something in my drink and fondle my helpless body. SIMON (behind camera) Damn! How'd she know about that? NED (also behind camera) Shut up and keep filming. ALIX But this is way worse! I would never in fifty trillion, eighty billion, sixty gazillion years sell you...how, much are we talkin' about? MONEYMAKER Three hundred thousand dollars. ALIX I'll never sell the tag team titles to you! Shyea right! Like you could sweet talk me, “oh you're like no one I've ever met before, you looked so good at the Oscars, ooh I wanna spank your booty Secretary style.” Puh-leaze, I wasn't born yesterday, and if I was how would you explain my ability to walk or talk or do long division. Answer: You couldn't! You wanna help the poor and the oppressed, huh? Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a special on lying assholes on aisle six, and a sale on enormous pricks in aisle four! Yeah right! Los Diablos are the most oppressed guys I've ever met in all my six lives, and you poured out hundreds of thousands of dollars to harass, attack, make fun of, and assault them almost every week! The tag team titles aren't a symbol of anything to you. They're just some cheap piece of jewelry you can show off to make you feel like your better then everyone else. Yeah,well guess what, chico, they're my cheap piece of jewelry that I'm using to belittle those of lower social and economic status and they aren't for sale. Unless of course you're willing to go up to five hundred thousand dollars. And a pony. I love, love, love, ponies! But unless you can pull a pony out your BUTT, in which case you should have a prostate exam like right now, then forget it, because you're never gonna get it! Never ever gonna get it! MONEYMAKER Damn it, girl, are you that much of a fool? Do you not realize the offer being presented to you? Open your eyes, woman, and wake up to reality, The Enterprise is an unstoppable force, a machine that mows down any in it's path without discrimination. All who have stood before The Enterprise have fallen and fallen hard! When The Enterprise sets it sight on you, there is no escape. None! I do not care how famous, how popular you and your girlfriend happen to be. The Moneymaker empire crushes everything. Do you not understand the severity of the situation our winning the Anderson Cup has put you in? I am doing you a favor! I'm giving you the chance to spare yourself and your partner a sound thrashing at Anglemania from the finely honed wrestling skills of Anderson Cup winners. Not only that but I am paying you a handsome reward, when in truth it should be you offering me money for this extension of mercy. You should be on your knees, thanking me for the offering I just presented you! ALIX Unlike, you and Christian on the weekends, I don't get down on my knees for any man. If I'm not gonna say no to drugs, I'm sure gonna say no to offers that sound like they came from someone on drugs. N-O, mister! Now if you'll excuse I have to make like a banana and leave....er make like a tree and split. Wait, crap! You know what I meant, I don't have to repeat it. Alix rises from her table and snatches her pets, who look fine but wait until a few hours later, from CPA, then departs out the door. Theodore gazes at the spot where the vexatious woman once resided, his rumpled features pushed down into agonized despair. With troubled mind, he bleakly motions to Simon Singleton to cease filming. But owing to some warped journalistic credo, The Video Voyeur keeps the camera rolling. MONEYMAKER Hmmmmm. Not as stupid as I was lead to believe. It's unthinkable that she of all people saw through my ruse that easily. One way or another, their title reign will be coming to an abrupt ending, and I promise you this, Miss Spezia, that ending will assuredly come before Anglemania. Haahhhaahaha! NED (off screen) You the man, Theo! Haaahahhahaa! CPA Haahaahhaa! Shockingly Ally makes a quick return to the restaurant, giving hope to Moneymaker's frayed heart that has ill fated deal may be resurrected. ALIX Forgot my purse! She snatches her handbag, and departs once more, leaving Moneymaker to stew over his failed plot as we fade out. COLE Selling the title? Who does he think she is, That 70s Dude? COACH $300K for the belts? That's a STEAL! Those things are only worth like $75 each anyway. But, Theodore gave the award away to BHB's and Molly Nerdly for the following segment, SCHOOL HAZE A documentary film By Simon Singleton Cinematography by Molly Nerdly STARRING Rico De Janeiro Lucius Soul and featuring Tyler Bryant Shayne Brave The “movie” begins with the musical accompaniment of Wonderful World by Sam Cooke and an exterior shot of the Beverly Hills Vista Elementary School, where Maya Duncan-Blanchard, daughter of Krista and Ned, spends time honing her already out of this world intellect. As it's only a few minutes before the opening bell, the grounds are overflowing with rambunctious children, and teachers trying to usher them into the building. After the ranks of students thin out, the image dissolves, rematerializing seconds later into the sight of Lucius Soul and Rico De Janeiro strolling through a hallway of the prestigious school. Soul has attired himself in snake skin shoes, zebra print bell bottoms, a purple and green tiger print vest, and an orange fedora. Rico looks sightly less crazy in white jeans that are a million sizes too short, and a bright yellow silk dress shirt. SINGLETON (off screen) Simon Singleton... MOLLY (off screen) And me! SINGLETON Simon Singleton, and Molly Nerdly, offering you a firecracker of an expose, as we seek to blow up the biggest sham of them all, the American educational system. Today, Mister Lucius Soul and Mister Rico De Janeiro join our hunt for two women, Alix Maria Spezia, and Krista Isadora Duncan, a parent of a child who's being brutally swindled by the shady ploys of a broken institution. MOLLY Lucius, it cost seventeen thousand dollars per year to send your child to this school. More then what your average American can possibly afford. How do you feel about that? Soul and Rico admire the fabulous conditions of the ritzy private school. SOUL Man, this place is nice. My elementary school was so ghetto kindergärtners didn't have nap time, they had lockdown. Art teacher was mad niggerish, had us making counterfit license plates, talking 'bout he can get ten bucks a pop down at the corner store. Took us on a field trip, said we was going to the art museum, nigga had us meetin his probation officer. “Look officah, Ah'm supportin mah kids!” RICO So this, chico, this is what it means to be rich in America? All your money and riches forked over to your snot nosed little brats. Do ya know how much money Rico gives to his kids? Not a dime, man. You work for what you earn in Rico's world, chico. You get nothing from me, man. Nada. Suddenly a young boy carrying a ceramic bowl he made in art class darts down the hallway. Obviously unaccustomed to having people who look bat shit insane in his hallway, he stops, surprised at the sight of the strange foursome. Rico eyes his ceramic bowl with curiosity. RICO Hey, man, whatchu got there? That don't look like no textbook or calculator. KID Its a bowl! I made it for my mommy. Rico snatches the bowl out the kid's hand. It appears that he's about to cry, until Soul silences him with a menacing finger wave. RICO No, you make it for Rico now. Hmm...it looks more like a cup then bowl. By cup Rico seems to have meant protective cup as he rubs it around his crotch, drawing a dissatisfied scowl onto his face. RICO This, this, don't fit, man! This don't fit at all. Was wrong witchu, man? What you tryin to do to Rico, man? You tryna break Rico's balls? Rico don't break his balls for nobody. I gotta have you understand something, see. Rico has big Brazillian cock, huge South American penis. It's an icon in my village, adored by the women, respected by the men, enjoyed by children of all ages. Sometimes, when the cops are interrogating someone, man, and he's real tough, don't wanna talk, they bring in Rico, and I smack 'em around with my penis, then he gets to spillin' his guts. KID I saw my daddy smacking the poolboy with his penis. He works for the government! MOLLY Woah! What's that I hear? An Emmy? A Larry King Interview? Front page New York Times? RICO (ignoring Molly's delight) Rico needs big, big, cup to protect his monstrous penis. Can you build Rico big cup for his big penis? The kid nods enthusiastically. RICO Good man. You keep eating your vegetables, sayin' your prayers, and wishing upon a star, maybe one day some little kid will make you cup for your big Brazilian penis like me. Pleased with the knowledge that he to may one day traumatize young boys, the kid scurries off. SOUL (laughing) You wrong for that, Rico. You mad wrong. I ain't visiting you neither when they cart you off to the pen. RICO Whatchu mean, mang? The children love me, because I don't give it to them no bullshit. You wanna know the real problem with America and its schools, they don't wanna give the children the realness like I do. I tell 'em everything beca.... Before Rico can finish his sentence the sound of two familiar voices silences he and his partner. The voices belong to two males who couldn't be day older then twenty. Their laugh grates on the nerves of Rico and Soul, etching looks of disapproval onto their face. The camera swerves around to reveal D*LUX's Shayne Brave and Tyler Bryant emerging from a fourth grade classroom. The sight of each other throws all four men into a state of shock, because if two OAOAST wrestlers in an elementary school thousands of miles away from their hometown is very strange, then four OAOAST wrestlers in an elementary school thousands of miles away from their hometown is SEVERLY FUCKED UP! Soul is able to get over the fucked upness quickly enough to draw first verbal blood. SOUL Well, if it ain't peckerwood and peck-a-dick. SINGLETON Oh snap! RICO (holding the ceramic bowl to his dick) Hey, you guys like my new cup? SHAYNE A little big for you, isn't it? MOLLY Oh double snap! SOUL Yo, shut the hell up, boy. What are ya'll doing up in here? SHAYNE (proudly) Us? We're Maya Duncan-Blanchard's show and tell! As a matter of fact we were a huge hit with her class. SINGLETON Show and tell? SOUL I get it. They show the kids how to be a pussy, and tell 'em how to be a bitch. MOLLY Oh snap-oh snap-and oh snap again! TYLER We answered you. So, you answer us. What do you want here? SOUL While ya'll steady stay on some To Catch A Predator, Garry Glitter type shit, simping on some sixth graders, waving around lil Kool-Aid juice boxes and Lunchables like it crack rock to ho's on eighth avenue, we came looking for the finest hoes in all of Southern California, Alix Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan. Where they at? TYLER I'd thank you not to refer to Miss Krista as a hoe. And they're at work. Miss Krista is filming a fitness video, and Alix is at her bakery. RICO (stunned) Why ain't they with Maya, mang? This where she go to school, right? Who lied? SHAYNE Huh? A mother doesn't spend her every waking moment at her kid's side. Apparently this is a new concept for Rico and Soul, who now realized they've flown across the country for nothing more then a tour of Dodge Stadium. SOUL Man, I don't believe this shit! Awww, god damnit! God damn it! While dressing like they may have just crawled out of a drag revue show, and enlisting a five year old into making penis apparel, may not have drawn the attention of the faculty, but Soul's outburst certainly did. The door to the classroom that D*LUX just emerged from creeps open. However, the arguing wrestlers aren't admonished with the stern face of the teacher, but with the stern face of Maya Duncan-Blanchard, dressed like a miniature Krista. However, she chews them out like a full grown Krista. MAYA Excuse me! I know its kind of hard to tell with all the lockers, children, backpacks, textbooks, classrooms, computers, chalkboards, and teachers around, but this is actually a school. Shocking, I know. The Beverly Hills Vista Elementary schools strives to provide us students with incentives for character, scholarship, and personality through a rigorous yet engagingly revolutionary curriculum. But in order to do that, our teachers need thoroughgoing taciturnity. Do you understand? RICO No. Not at all. MAYA Just be quieter! SOUL Sure thing, sweetie. MAYA Please don't call me sweetie. I want society to respect me no matter what flavor I decide to be, sweet, sour, tangy, mild. I'm careful about what auras I allow into my life. Oh, hi, Uncle Simon! SIMON Hi, Maya! Once Maya disappears to go back to discovering the secret of life or whatever it is girl geniuses do, the adults keep their voices at inside level. TYLER What would bottom feeders like you you want with Miss Krista and Alix anyway? Forgetting Maya's stern admonishment, Molly belts out her answer. MOLLY To put the parents who enable this farce of an edu... RICO (interrupting Molly, obv) What we, Lucius and Rico, want is title belts and championship gold! You know, man, The Mardi Gras should be the undisputed number one tag team in the world. Problem is, a couple of these bums out in the industry, they don't wanna recognize the greatness that Rico and his partner, Sweet Lucius Soul bring to the table. Why is that, mang? SOUL Jealously. Plain and simple. RICO Jealously that we have everything they want, money, cars, women, power, and the world, chico. The world most of all. How do we get these maricon cocksuckers to recognize that the Wrecking Crew owns that number one spot? How we gonna overcome the jealously and get what's coming to us? I tell you, man. I tell you. We get those One and Only world tag team titles. We get those belts from Chicks Over Dicks, and we got the respect and the recognition, we've been deserving since the dawn of time. We're gonna be on top, man, us and nobody else. SOUL (smirking) And that ain't no thang for Mardi Gras. After all we is the greatest HI-YAH tag team champs of all time. Right? Not taking Lucius' bait, Shayne defends Krista's honor rather then his own. SHAYNE Miss Krista is as brave and courageous as she is beautiful! She's a real life warrior princess! TYLER She'll take your challenge, no question about it. And just like in the scramble cage match she'll be the one showered with cheers and chants, and you'll be the one showering with tears and regrets. You can bet on that. After all she is a four time tag team champion, and you, well...you're nothing. RICO (laughing) When you're defending your little eight man titles... TYLER Six man.. RICO whatever, once every four months, and we're getiin praised as the greatest tag team in the business, I'll make sure to remind you you said that, man. Soul puts his hand in the air to call for silence. SOUL 'Cause I'm such a good Christian, and a proud, proud, member of the church and congregation, praise the lord Jesus, it hurts me to have to talk so dirty about them females, but they dirty girls and I gotta do a dirty girl in the dirtiest way I know. See, we got another problem with Chicks Over Dicks. SHAYNE What's that? SOUL What I got to tell you is a dose of that strong medicine, lord forgive me for what I'm bout to say, but you made me no other way. We motherfucking pimps. Pimpeddd out with three d's for a triple dose of this pimpin. God put women on this earth to ho, and macs on this earth to pimp. I tell a bitch I'ma pimp they ass and that's that, I tell a bitch I'ma tap that ass, and that's that again. They say okay, we do the damn thing, and I get my money. And when I see those two bitches, Alix and Krista, its like damn I gotta do this. They got on them fuckin jeans and them skirts, how the fuck am I not goin' pimp this? God gave me life to pimp that quality of bitch. Rico, how we not gonna pimp this? At the very least how we not gonna tap that? SHAYNE Because if you try to you're gonna come face to face with a D*LUX beatdown. RICO (ignoring Shayne's threat) Because they're dykes. MOLLY Bigotry and prostitution as it relates to an upper class interracial lesbian couple as a metaphor for the faltering educational system? You couldn't have planned this better if it was a skit in the middle of a show featuring heavily choreographed fake fighting. Please continue with your ignorance! SOUL Alix and Krista could be the best hoes we've ever had. Big ol booties, big ol titties, fine ass legs, and a whole lot of brains. They home run hitters, they competin on that field, going to hit that grand slam, getin they man, us men, everything. They know we been itchin' to bust that shit out! But they shuttin us out, because instead of letting Soul strap on the rubber, they'd rather strapon the rubber, if you know what I mean? LITTLE BOY No, what do you mean? RICO What the hell? Get outta here, man! SOUL Ya'll might be cool with circle jerkin to their fitness videos and magazine spreads, but big Lucious and Rico slim, is pimps, and we gotta be how pimps be, and real pimps, real one hundred percent, hard and cold on a hoe pimps, ain't be appreaciating pussy keeping pussy. RICO This is to say we don't appreciate this lesbian thing, mang. It goes against the natural order of being a pimp. SHAYNE Hey, guess what, dude? We don't appreciate you calling Krista or Alix, bitches, and hoes. In fact, we don't really appreciate anything you've said right here. And you're close to starting a fight you can't win. TYLER So either clam up, or we'll clam you up! RICO That so, man? SOUL Easy, easy, easy. You don't have to appreciate anything, just pass on the message. These queen latifah girls is done. When the big daddies bust down the door its over for these carpet munchers, because we coming to bomb that shit wide out! Wonderful World returns to it's position as the auditory narrative as the camera glides backwards through the hallway, eventually reducing the staredown between the two teams into one jumbled speck. As it backs out the door the view switches to an image of solider lying bloody and dead within the jungles of Vietnam. No it doesn't make sense, but its art, it shouldn't make sense to plebeians like you. SCHOOL HAZE A documentary film By Simon Singleton Cinematography by Molly Nerdly COACH D*LUX looking like some simple fools right about now. Couple of Captain save-a-hoes. And the ho they saving is a lesbian. Disgusting. You'll never see me like that.

congratulations dear people on another strong year. Well done, especially when you consider the lack of writers.

The camera returns with a panning view of he floor based audience, mostly focusing on those wrestlers with multiple awards. We see Leon Rodez playing “Lethal Rumble” with his awards, Mackenzie DeCenzo fawning over the six awards Alix wasn't even allowed to go on stage and collect, and D*LUX using their awards as weapons in a play sword fight. Boys will be boys, I guess. Anyway, No one plays our gorgeous hostess (and her Martini!) back onto the stage. KRISTA Our presenter for female personality of the year is a woman who operates with a class, dignity and style all of her own. She treats everyone with unmatched kindness and respect, and for that I say, cut it out, sister, you're making me look like a foul mouthed bitch. Ladies and gentlemen, oh who am I kidding, AIDs ridden whores and meth clinic out patients, please welcome Maggie Nerdly to the stage! Dressed to impress our goth fanbase in high black and white stripped socks, combat boots, and a heavily ripped ruffled black dress, the smiling and waving Maggie Nerdly walks onto stage amid ringing cheers from fans and wrestlers alike. Felix Strutter seems to give her a particularly warm reception, which doesn't sit too well with Leon. When Meg and Dia's Monster fades away Maggie begins speaking. MAGGIE Hey, ya'll, what's up? Us OAOAST girls are pretty damn cool, aren't we? Yeah? Go on and make some noise for the ladies of the OAOAST! Lemme here ya! “YEAAAAAA!” MAGGIE The women of the OAOAST keep the train chuggin along, no doubt. Without 'em the OAOAST wouldn't get anywhere! You know its true, don't try denying. You got my big sis Melody leading The Gunslingers to the top of the pops in the tag division, Mackenzie handling business in The Enterprise, Alix and Krista kicking the ass of every man here at least once, Molly doing her thing, and not getting paid. We gotta talk about them negotiating skills Moll, okay? But, that's why I'm stupid pysched to be up here presenting you the female personality of the year award. Gimme them nominees! Female Personality Of The Year Mackenzie DeCenzo: From crown princess of The Enterprise to nearly being fired from that very stable for her obvious sapphic leanings, Mackenzie DeCenzo has had a rocky 2007. And it all started with a kiss from Krista, and getting flashed by Alix. Mackenzie's once peaceful cosmopolitan world has been turned upside down, but through it all, she remained the shrewdest business women in the OAOAST. Melody Nerdly: Let me repeat one last time, The Lonestar Gunslingers were about two weeks away from being Flex Phillipsed before Melody came along. Simply trying to preserve her job, Mel added some much needed life and flair to Gunslingers. Her funky personality has helped guide The Gunslingers to the highest highs in the tag division and straight into the hearts of the fans. And those daisy dukes don't hurt either! Jade Rodez: Like Mackenzie, Jade 2007's saw her entire existence drastically altered. She tossed D*LUX to the curb, and allied herself with The Enterprise, only to see the error of her ways months later. Now Jade continues to build on the success she's achieved with D*LUX over the years in order to help turn them into one of the most formidable teams in the OAOAST. Alix Maria Spezia: Always a popular superstar, the spicy Latina is all about having fun,feeling good, and showing of her sweet sweet booty. Her zany happy go lucky antics haven't failed her yet, as her time in the OAOAST has been spent building up one hell of a won/loss record. 2007 turned out to be her most successful year yet as along with then girlfriend Krista Isadora Duncan she set a record for most tag titles held. Away from the OAOAST, Alix works as the ceo and head chef of Miss Spezia's Sweeties cookie company. Krista Isadora Duncan: Rude, inappropriate, boundryless, and has a list of pop culture references thicker then War and Peace, Miss California is routinely hailed as one of top entertaining figures in the OAOAST. Outside the ring she is praised for her intelligence, beauty and comedy, and inside the ring she's praised for her intelligence, beauty and comedy, all of which gave her an assist in her stranglehold on the OAOAST tag title this year. Furthermore she's done all this while wrestling in high heels. High heels! Trust me its not easy. I've tried! MAGGIE Show love to the winner....KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN! The enthusiastic bounce of Calvin Harris' The Girls, yields even more enthusiastic cheers from the audience and Maggie. The Nerdly girl gives the approaching winner a huge hug, which prompts Shayne to lose all maskings of self control and yell “Stay away from my woman!” KRISTA Cool, another one of these. I think these are a lot better then the biscuits I was using to throw at Denise Richards when she comes over to discuss operation: Steal Charlie Sheen's sperm. Nothing says get out of my house if you're not going to at least take off your top you selfish lunatic like an award upside the head. Um, thank you for the award. I really do appreciate your love and respect, and if you're not busy a scotch on the rocks would be abfab. So, all night long I've been having fun with you guys in the crowd, mocking you, killing your heat, which assumes James Riggs had heat to kill in the first place, but you know I couldn't leave myself untouched. I'm a pretty easy target, so here to tell a few jokes about me my long time punching bag, Terry Taylor! Terry, walks on stage with a smile as wide as Manitoba, because the moment he's been waiting for for years has finally arrived. TAYLOR Thank you, thank you. Isn't she wonderful? What a girl, what a great girl. Lemme tell you something about Krista. This woman is such a lesbian that she's actually entertained by Margaret Cho. She's such a lesbian, that her chapstick flavor is Anne Heche's vagina! I think, I don't have the stats on me, that she's the oldest person on the roster. Yep. She's so old that on her first game show the grand prize was a trip on the Mayflower. And let's talk about her crazy family. You haven't met them yet. I have. How about her father? This fat miserable bastard is so out of shape that heart palpitations from terrible crack is his idea of good cardio! Alright, I'm out. Thank you Krista for letting me make fun of you, and thank you people for listening! THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Wrestler of The Year COMMERCIAL The awards ceremony returns for its final award of the evening, the coveted prize for Wrestler of the year. Audience members are on their feet, clapping for the impending announcement with passioned excitement. KRISTA Our presenter for wrestler of the year is horrendously ugly, fat, loud, obnoxious, bigoted, and probably cheats on his taxes. If he was Jewish, held political office and was having an affair with his sixteen year old male page, he'd be my father....I give to you Theodore Moneymaker! Money Talks is played so loud that is washes away the glut of boos spewed from the balcony audience. Despite the obvious hatred and disgust aimed at him, the tuxedo clad Billion Dollar Heir operates with style and grace as he makes way onto the stage. MONEYMAKER Few things in the OAOAST give me much joy. Being surrounded by cretins, simpletons, and boorish buffoons, who have less in their bank account then I spent on this tuxedo is somewhat of a personal annoyance. Taking orders from a grown man who's slavish obsession with another grown man is so unhealthy that it influenced his own ring name is also a personal annoyance. Trapped inside a tag division with effeminate monkeys like Los Diablos, police officers who never do anything when trouble is afoot like Rescue 911, and stripping doctors that shame the medical profession like The Love Doctors Doctors is also a personal annoyance. What does pleasure me is being able to watch the greats. The men who make this sport the sport of kings. Tonight we honor these heroes of our industry, and look to them for leadership, guidance, and wisdom in the oncoming year. Who will be this guiding light? The torch bearer we all aspire to mimic? I believe its time we found out. Wrestler Of The Year Landon Maddix: Did Landon Maddix have the best year in the OAOAST? Its hard to argue otherwise. The very moment the year started, Maddix began racking up victory after victory, all leading up to his monumental achievement of taking the world title from Zack Malibu. Maddix didn't rest on the history making title win, though, and continued to be a dominant force in the OAOAST mainevent scene. Zack Malibu: What can be said about Zack Malibu that hasn't already been said millions of times over? Barring a loss of a leg or something, Malibu has etched a permanent place in the OAOAST mainevent. His 2007 saw him win his record third OAOAST world title, and do battle with Maddix, PRL, and even Drek Stone. PRL: PRL began the year feuding over the HI-YAH tag title and ended it in contention for the OAOAST world championship belt. To be sure, he's had one of the more eventful 2007's, capturing an X Division Title, avoiding death at the hands of Bohemoth, and finally losing his lady love, manager, and entire stable, all in the span of about two weeks! Reject:Reject began the year on a bit of down note, losing his X Division Title to Jamie O'Hara, and then not even advancing to the finals of the subsequent tournament. However, the New Yorker turned his fortunes around in a big way by defeating Alfdogg to capture the WDW World Heaveyweight Championship. Stephen Joseph: PRL's trusted manager, hype man, and friend, returned to active competition in a mammoth way with a stunning upset over Landon Maddix to capture the OAOAST World Title at Halloween Spectacular. SJ also betrayed his longtime best bud, and orchestrated his removal from his own stable. Cold blooded! MONEYMAKER The winner of the 2007 wrestler of the year award is....LANDON MADDIX! Landon leaps from his seat, showering nearby wrestlers with self-praises for his now indisputable greatness. Having totally ignored Megan, Landon parades down the aisle, shaking hands with various wrestlers, and joyfully asking them what its like to touch the flesh of their better. Finally he reaches the stage, where he receives a warm pat on the back from Moneymaker, before settling behind the podium. Even though she was shunned in the pre-speech celebration, Megan dutifully joins her boyfriend at the stage. MADDIX Oh! Oh, I don't know what to say, I so wasn't expecting this... Megan hands Landon his pre-prepared speech cards. Producing a pair of reading glasses from his inside jacket pocket, Landon leafs through his cards. MADDIX Ah, yes! I'd like to thank me. A few groans go up, amongst a boo from the fans. MADDIX It's been a hell of a ride this year. From being mere moments away from winning the Lethal Rumble last year, something which I intend to make up for on January 27th. Then, to unshackle the ball and chain from around my ankle, to go to AngleMania and to win the Money In The Bank Battle Royal. All leading up to becoming the first man in history to have held both the SWF and the OAOAST World Championships in their career, an achievement that somebody may eventually match but will never be mentioned without the achievement of yours truly in the same breath, the original. It's been a great year, all in all. Landon seems to catch sight of Todd Cortez in saying this last line, his voice wavering ever so slightly. He covers for it by picking up his award and slamming it down proudly on the podium. MADDIX If not for certain actions, I fully believe I'd be standing here right now accepting this award as the World Heavyweight Champion. My New Year's Resolution is very simple. 'Payback'. Or, I suppose to put it in it's proper form, "I will get payback". This award is just the start of another rollercoaster ride of a year for La Cucaracha. It's going to stand before you as the spark that ignites my resurgence! My resurgence to the top! And nobody... and no thing is going to stop me! Landon flips to the last card. MADDIX Oh, and I want to thank Megan, also. Finally there's a rollicking round of applause given off by the audience. However, they're not for the departing Landon and Megan, but rather for Krista Isadora Duncan who returns to the stage to close out the ceremony. KRISTA Congratulations to all our award winners, you guys earned it, or slept with Anglesault, in which case you really earned it! I want to thank all our presenters, all the performers for being here tonight and being such great sports, and of course the fans for voting, for attending, and for having a such a great time. 2007 was a wonderful year for all of us, and hopefully we can make 2008 even better. And in case you're wondering, the after party is up at my hotel room all night long. Girls get in free, guys get in when hell freezes over! No One returns one last time, as we take one last view of the applauding audience and then.... FADE OUT

The 2007 Angle Awards opens with Alicia Keys standing before a piano, dressed in jeans and a spangly blue jacket that sparkles underneath a soft blue spotlight that bathes the Grammy award winning singer in a charming hue. Silhouetted in reddish shadows by the romantic and mysterious lighting scheme, and cloaked by a forest of fog, is a band of guitar players, a drummer and back up singers. They're lent an enigmatic property by the magical coupling of the roving smoke and innocent lights. As Miss Keys soothes the audience with her beautiful hit song No One various highlights of some of the grander OAOAST achievements that occurred in 2007 are played on a massive video screen that over looks the stage. I just want you close Where you can stay forever You can be sure that it will only get better You and me together Through the days and nights I don’t worry cause everything’s ganna be all right People keep talking They can say what they like But all I know is everything’s ganna be alright “Drek forcefully grabs Malibu by the head and then starts biting at his forehead, pulling away and now spitting Zack's own blood back in his face before violently grabbing his neck, pulling him into STONECUTTER position...but Zack pushes him away, right into Anglesault, who shoves Stone forward RIGHT INTO SCHOOL'S OUT~ Zack falls on top of Drek Stone, and Anglesault, still favoring himself with one hand, uses the other one to do the one thing people have been waiting to see all night. ONE! TWO!! THREE!!! No one no one no one can get in the way of what I’m feeling No one no one no one can get in the way of what I feel for you You, you Can get in the way of what I feel for you When the rain is pouring down And my heart is hurting You will always be around There’s a no for certain "Ally trades high fives with the front row fans, gleefully accepting their hugs and words of congratulations. Krista isn't known to go for the touchey feely fan interaction, and simply stays atop the highest turnbuckle, beaming her glimmering title to the applauding audience. Soon yellow, red, and pink confetti begins to drip free of the ceiling, first only a tiny bit, then an innumerable amount, like the opening drops of a summer cloudburst; finally they fall in a multi colored downpour that completely engulfs the winning pair. And as a pleasing side effect the rain of confetti buries the hated Moneymaker in a grave of embarrassing failure. " You and me together Through the days and nights I don’t worry cause everything’s ganna be all right People keep talking They can say what they like But all I know is everything’s ganna be alright No one no one no one can get in the way of what I’m feeling No one no one no one can get in the way of what I feel for you You, you Can get in the way of what I feel for you "Malibu, with blood dripping down his chin, is lifeless, as Landon Maddix makes a rather arrogant cover. ONE! TWO! THREE! DING! DING! DING! Landon Maddix is given the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship, and he clutches it to his chest. Megan Skye rolls into the ring and rubs her mans shoulders as he stares into the gold center plate, then rises to his feet and unleashes a primal scream as he raises the belt in the air. " I know some people search the world To find something like what we have I know people will try, try to divide something so real So till the end of time I’m telling you there is no one “Blanchard slumps over as Leon re-emerges and heads up top again. Quickly Shayne and Tyler take off in opposite directions. Tyler rushes to knock Singleton off the apron, while Shayne WIPES OUT CPA WITH A SUICIDE DIVE!! All this as Leon sets himself up top for the 450 SPLASH!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" 1... 2... 3!!!!!! "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Mouth agape, Moneymaker holds his head in his hands as D*LUX re-unite in the ring and celebrate with a boyband embrace! Leon pushes up to his knees over Blanchard, looking down at The Handsome Hustler and showing off those pearly whites that have been absent from the OAOAST for so long now. "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The 6-Man Titles are handed to the new champions, to the despair of Mackenzie and Molly, the surprise of Jade and the utter outrage of Theodore Moneymaker. D*LUX take their belts and go to their fans to celebrate, while Leon grabs his third of the gold and leans over the ring ropes, dangling it in the eyeline of The Billion Dollar Heir!” No one no one no one can get in the way of what I’m feeling No one no one no one can get in the way of what I feel for you You, you Can get in the way of what I feel for Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh… The image of Alicia Keys bowing to an appreciative and roaring salute from a sold out audience fades into the official introductory video for OAOAST's programming. Across a river, over a bunch of mountains, through fields, sweeping past trees and bushes, hovering over the skyline of New York City, the OAOAST logo flies through the air...before sweeping down, brushing past an elderly man who seems understandably shocked to see six over-sized letters fly past him. The logo continues going, nearing a house...which luckily, a woman is leaving, meaning the logo can sweep through the open door, continuing on down the hallfway and into the living room where a young kid is sat on his computer. It sweeps past him, hitting the computer...which explodes with a flash, lighting up much to the kid's shock and delight.

As we return back from break No One is just beginning to fade away from earshot. Behind the podium, stands Krista, ready to announce our next presenter. KRISTA The presenter for most shocking moment of the year award is......me! Joy to the world, the lord has come, let Krista receive a light beer. The participants in these shocking moments are a debauched gallery of contestants. They're perverts, accused child molesters, convicted date rapists, republicans, and I'm just talking about Stephen Joseph here! Let's see the nominations! Shocking Moment of The Year (Patty's note, I forgot about this award, and you have no idea how tired I am of writing summaries, especially when these awards reference the same angle over and over.) -Halloween Spectacular, Stephen Joseph defies universe's expectations and wins the world title -Zero Hour, Holly-Wood turns on partner Melody Nerdly to reunite with husband Logan Mann -Halloween Spectacular, Stephen Joseph defies universe's expectations and wins the world title -Zero Hour, Sandman9000 returns to win the Heartland Invitational Chamber of Hell -HeldDOWN 6/28, Landon Maddix cashes in on his Money In The Bank Title shot and defeats Zack Malibu to win the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship -HeldDOWN 11/8, Alix leaves Krista for Mackenzie, thus signaling the breakup of Chicks Over Dicks KRISTA The winner of blah blah blah is...well, there's another hour in therapy, Alix leaves Krista, that's me, for Mackenzie, that's the natural brunette with the shitty dye job and buck teeth, thus signaling the breakup of Chicks Over Dicks, who might I remind you just won the tag team of the year award. But, you know what, I'm gonna be a big person here, seeing that I have the bigger chest, bigger bank account, and well, the bigger chest, and let Mackenzie have her say. Come on up, doll, don't be shy. While the crowd murmurs in anticipation of a long awaited catfight, Mackenzie nervously rises from her chair. She looks to Alix for support but receives nothing more then sullen pouting. Without a single person her side, she's forced to head into the dangerous world of Krista on her lonesome. However, Krista welcomes her with a gentle smile, and a hand extended to the podium. MACKENZIE Okay, fine, I'm public enemy number one. I get that. But this shocking moment is actually the greatest moment of Alix's life. If any of you were her true fans you would see the truth behind that! Forget for a second love, sex and romance, and just think about the OAOAST. Being in a tag team with Krista was becoming a waste of time. If I hadn't broken them up, they'd still have the belts, and they'd still be doing the same thing they were all year. How many times can you beat The Wrecking Crew ? How many times can you squash James Blonde and Faqu? She had to move on. Move on on a lot of different levels. I did the right thing by Alix, and I'm always doing the right thing by Alix. Just because Krista has a fitness empire, and can tell a few funny jokes doesn't make her a good partner. You need to realize that! Its not about what any of you want for Alix. Its what Alix wants for Alix. And that's me! Not bothering to hear a single one of the jeers tossed her way, Mackenzie storms off in a huff. Her depressed expression is remarkably different then Krista's oddly cheery disposition. KRISTA Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes, Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes, Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes with Melody Nerdly in daisy dukes. Ah, it never fails. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Female Personality Of The Year and Wrestler of The Year 2007 Angle Awards COMMERCIAL

COMMERCIAL KRISTA Welcome back to the 2007 Angle Awards. I tried to see the presenters for the tag team of year at their hotel earlier today, but I got turned away because I was told they were taking a shower. Yeah, a shower. I don't know why they waste their time, these guys were washed up before they ever set foot in the tub. Ladies and gentlemen, The Christ Air Express! Doing what twins do, and that is annoyingly dressing exactly alike, MARV and MEL walk onto the stage, in a black blazer, white dress shirt and heavily destroyed jeans. MEL Greetings to all the OAOAST fans, both in attendance and around the globe. Marvin, what's the most common statement made about the OAOAST tag division? MARV Mmmmm, good question. That the Christ Air Express are the two sexiest bitches in the damn thing? MEL You godamn straight. What's the second most common statement made about the OAOAST tag division? MARV That its the back bone of the OAOAST? MEL Correct. Since 2004 the OAOAST Tag Division has been what's kept this company afloat. Its featured some of the wildest, craziest, most entertaining personalities ever seen on television. From GPX, to Chicks Over Dicks, to Black T, to The Heavenly Rockers, to just about every other team here, the tag division has made the OAOAST what it is today. A success. That means that the tag team of the year award might be the single most competitive award we have. Let's meet the nominees, eh? Tag Team Of The Year Team Heyross: Far removed from the flamboyant personalities of the other tag teams, the quiet and reserved Team Heyross have still managed to find their place in the OAOAST tag division. The highlight of their year was being crowned as the new WDW Tag team Champions, although the “competition” they faced to win the belts was less then renowned! The Heavenly Rockers: As consistent as they are arrogant, The Heavenly Rockers have stayed near the top of the tag division since their arrival into the OAOAST. This year was a topsy turvy ride down the twisting corridors of the OAOAST, as they booted The Sooner Bruisers from the company, ran up against the Wrecking Crew, befriended and then rejected The Gunslingers, and most importantly won their second OAOAST tag team title. The Lonestar Gunslingers: At the start of last year, if you would've told someone the Gunslingers would be in the hunt for the OAOAST Tag Team Titles, you most likely would've been laughed at then kicked down a flight of stairs. But a little lass named Melody, and her little daisy dukes, have turned the once ineffectual outfit into a noteworthy young squad. Now The Gunslingers have a chnce to win their first ever tag team championships from their former friends, The Heavenly Rockers. Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright: Christian Wright and Theodore Moneymaker gave the tag division fits, becoming the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions, and winning the Anderson Cup. Their dominance wasn't limited to the realm of the physical, however. The pair pooled their sharp mental acumen to pry Jade Rodez away from her friends and family, and stage a battle against the homosexuality promoted by... Chicks Over Dicks: If you'd like to know why Chicks Over Dicks are nominated for this award please ask the following teams, The South Central Militia, The Mardi Gras Homwrecking Crew, The Love Doctors, The Sooner Bruisers, The Gunslingers, Los Diablos, Los Conquistadors, Team Heyross, The Beverly Hills Blonds, Faqu and James Blonde, Theodore Moneymaker & Christian Wright, Marshall Law, all of which were beaten and/or humiliated at the hands of the record four time tag team champions. While cruising through these teams, the girls entertained audiences with their trademark comedic stylings MEL The winners are....CHICKS OVER DICKS! Massive applause and cheers welcome the announcement, though members of various existing tag teams grumble their dissent in annoyance. Synth Esizer is the most vocal of these negative voices, screaming “We wuz robbed! We wuz robbed!” Elsewhere, Alix sadly looks to Mackenzie for permission to take the stage. The Enterprise's CFO is reluctant to allow Alix anywhere near Krista, and uses a steamy kiss to bribe Alix into not complaining that Mackenzie has ordered CPA to stage to fetch the award for her girlfriend. While the audience loudly chastises Mackie's actions and Alix sulks in her seat, Krista trudges out from the backstage area, red lips lowered into a frown at the questionable arrangement. KRISTA Well, great to see The Enterprise has sent such a qualified mammy to the stage. Tell, me CPA, does massah know you're off the plantation? The crowd oooohs at the dig at CPA's subservient nature, and the ex-boxer cracks his knuckles in preparation for a fight. KRISTA Um, I don't really know what to say. I guess lost in the whole mess of my breakup with Alix was you the fans. I'm not gonna lie to you and say that you loved Alix more then me, or that you loved me more then Alix, but you loved Chicks Over Dicks a lot, and we had a lot of fun entertaining you. You really helped bring us closer and closer together, when we thought we were as close as we could get. Because we'd spend hours together just thinking up different comedy bits or jokes to make you laugh. Sometimes I think our actual writing sessions are even better then our matches. It was a great year for us, romantically, professionally, and artistically. I'm sorry to the fans, I'm sorry to Alix, and I'm sorry to myself for the way it all ended. Hopefully we can have a chance to rewrite this fairytale. The closing of Krista's speech receives enormous applause, all of which cause Mackenzie's face to flash red with burning anger. KRISTA Okay, enough mushy girly crap, back to the offensive jokes! The presenter for pay per view match of the year and television match of the year, James Riggs, actually opened a wrestling school recently. Shit. James, how do you of all people on this worthless planet have the balls to open a wrestling school? Are you for real? Are you for really real? James Riggs running a wrestling school is like me running and abstinence program. James Riggs running a wrestling school is like Chris Benoit running a family counseling center. “OOOOOOH” KRISTA Ladies and gentlemen, Mister James Riggs! Annoyance fueling his stride James Riggs reaches the stage in record speed. His mouth curls into a snarl, contorting a face that's already twisted by angered eyes that shoot bullets into the audience. RIGGS Yeah, I didn't get nominated for a single award. So you think I give a damn about who wins who loses here? No. Screw the Angle Awards and screw the OAOAST. If you want to show the nominees then show them. If you don't then don't. Do whatever because I don't care! TV Match of The Year HeldDOWN~! 8/16 OAOAST World Title, Landon Maddix (Champion) Vs Todd Cortez: This awesome match stemmed from Todd Cortez' risky gamble to break free of the overpowering but relatively safe shadow of Landon Maddix at the July Syndicated. Though Maddix defeated Cortez, he's still currently dealing with his pesky ex-partner. HeldDOWN 8/4-Tag Team Scramble Cage Match to crown the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions Six teams enter. One team that wasn't even entered into the match leaves as the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions. The match featured the surprise return of the Sk8r Boiz, jaw dropping high spots, and Theodore Moneymaker's first OAOAST title win. HeldDOWN~! 4/26, Caboose, Zack Malibu, Jamie O'Hara and Bohemoth Vs Cuban Wall, PRL, Vitamin X, and Bone Thug: Called the best HeldDOWN mainevent in ages, this match featured the top members of the Lightening Crew taking on HD's old announcer, its leading man, and the very reluctant partners of Bohemoth and O'Hara. It was one of the first times Malibu and PRL hooked up, and it surely wasn't the last as they traded blows over the world title throughout the summer and fall. HeldDOWN~! 1/18 HI-YAH Tag Team Championship, "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican & Stephen Joseph Popick vs. Colombian Heat & Spanish Fly: Holy time warp Batman! If this match took place today it would be Heat and PRL against Fly and SJ! But at the time, the units of Popick and TPR and Heat and Fly were tightly unified in their goal of capturing the HI-YAH tag team titles in a best 2/3 falls match. HeldDOWN~! 8/16 Reject and Thunderkid Vs Alfdogg and Felix Strutter: Not exactly strange bedfellows, both teams consisted of former partners. The chemistry between the members helped produce a memorable match. HeldDOWN~! 9/20 Chris Stevens Vs Brock Ausstin Vs Alfdogg Vs Thunderkid: No dq, and no countout meant no rules in this wild match between Heartland title competitors. Although Stevens eeked out a victory over his numerous old enemies, he wasn't so lucky the following week at Zero Hour, failing to capture the Heartland Title. RIGGS And the winner is...oh joy, oh how delightful, oh how might I contain myself at this news? Scramble Cage match. Whopdee freaking donkey shit! Where's my award? No, where's my nomination even? Do I not exist to you people? Am I talking to myself? Am I Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense? Riggs loses his mind over e-fed awards, and the jam packed auditorium loses their mind and explodes with cheers for the victory. Highlights from the match play over the jumbo screen behind the stage, while The Mardi Gras Home Wrecking Crew, and Team Heyross head to stage to accept the award on behalf of the other teams in the match. MOSS I know Chicks Over Dicks, The Heavenly Rockers, D*LUX, and The Global Party Exchange, would all like to thank you for voting this match as TV match of the year! Johnny Jax heartily applauds the recognition, but Scotty is too busy chewing out Uno for neglecting his drink order. BENJAMIN Hey, Team Heyross may have came up short in the Scramble Cage match, but keep your eyes peeled and glued to your TV sets, because the 2008 Anderson Cup belongs to one team. Team Heyross! SOUL You done said enough for one millennium, niggarachi. Pay no mind to this fabreze wearing lysol as cologone usin' chump. Allow me to latitude the conversation to more pleasin' topics to a pimp on da rise, the Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew. The first half of 2007 was a macktacula celebration of the pimp's good word for the MGHWC. And the scramble cage match was a culmination of a cultivation of careful calculations free of caucausin consternations. We was pullin bitch cards on roody poo ass niggas like I was layin mah captain marvelous on Maggie Nerdly's snail trail! That scramble cage match was the closest me and Rico been to the One and Only World Tag Team Titles, we thought we was ballin out of control. We gonna get dat feeling back in dat Anderson Cup. Pay no attention to negrodomous over there, The MGHWC is gonna colorize the AC like Bill Clinton rubbin' his hump missile across a postah of Foxay Brown! Security keeping a tight eye on them in case of a brawl, the four exit the stage to polite applause. With their departure James Riggs is allowed to come back to the podium. RIGGS Finally. Since when is the job squad allowed to talk? Whatever. Here's the pay per view match of the year. Go to hell. Everyone of you. Pay Per View Match of The Year Survive Or Surrender, Zack Malibu Vs Bruce Blank: The culmination of a long, bloody and emotionally scaring feud, ended with Bruce Blank's violent removal from the OAOAST. Until that angle a few months later where Scotty Static thought he was some dude dressed up like a bird! Triple Decker Cage Match for the OAOAST World Title Stephen Joseph (Champion) Vs Zack Malibu Vs PRL Vs Landon Maddix Vs Bohemoeth Vs Todd Cortez: Hey, Popick, congratulations on your title win, now go ahead and fight five other guys in a three story cage! While the odds didn't favor SJ, lady luck sure did, as he pulled out a victory in an excellent match on the final pay per view of the year. Chamber Of Hell Three, Sandman Vs Felix Strutter Vs Brock Ausstin Vs Alfdogg Vs Thunderkid Vs Chris Stevens: Always a treat, the third edition of the chamber of hell was quite the delight to the carnage hungry savage in all of us. The match featured the shocking return of Sandman and the shocking end of Felix Strutter's Heartland Title reign. Hell In A Cell Match For The Golden Contract: "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican (Owner of the Golden Contract) vs. Bohemoth:[/b] Advertised as Tha Puerto Rican's last stand, the OAOAST actually gathered a backstage party of PRL's past enemies (of which there were many!) to watch his demise. But somehow, someway, not only did PRL survive the Meterosexual Monster, he also won the match. Leon Rodez, Chicks Over Dicks, and D*LUX Vs The Enterprise: Nine of the wildest personalties in the OAOAST, and CPA hooked up in this Madison Square Garden extravaganza to battle over Jade Rodez. Numerous comedy spots, and lots of crazy high flying ensued! Sin City Street Fight, The Heavenly Rockers Vs The Sooner Bruisers: From November of 2006 all the way to their final night in the company The Sooner Bruisers were on a bloody rampage, annihilating friend, foe, and innocent bystander alike without discrimination. Only the Heavenly Rockers were bold enough to stand up to their behavior, and the Sin City duo put the Bruisers out the OAOAST in this match. RIGGS The winner....oh these stuck up bastards again...Survive Or Surrender, Zack Malibu Versus Bruce Blank, AND, Leon Rodez, Chicks Over Dicks, and D*LUX Vs The Enterprise. Who cares? I don't. Nobody notices James Riggs throw the envelope away in rage and storm out of view, as they're much to busy saluting the winners of the prestigious award. Leon happily shakes hands with Zack, and offers him condolences on a “tough loss, skipper”, not aware of the fact that he tied with his sometimes tag team partner. Before Zack can correct Leon's error filled thinking, the Grand Rapids Love Child and his boybanding cohorts are already taking the stage. LEON Uh, I guess Krista and Alix are... *awkward moment* *yeah, a long one* LEON ...thanks for the award! For what was the most important win in our careers, I think we'll all agree, we're delighted somebody will actually remember it a few months from now. Guys, anything to say? Tyler and Shayne, who've been searching the crowd for Krista, glance up. LEON Of course not. Ned's a weeny. Thank you. Silently thanking Leon for a short speech, his good friend, Zack Malibu makes his way onto the stage. Still not realizing that he TIED Zack, Leon assumes a defensive crouch due to his paranoid belief that Zack has come to rob him of his award. Brushing his way past the attack ready Leon, Zack heads to the podium. ZACK Funny how this works...I've now been awarded not once, but twice, for the toughest, most brutal feud I've ever been through. That feud with Blank was tougher than sitting through an Alfdogg compilation! Just kidding, Alf...not really. But seriously, it's a known fact that I give 100% every time I set foot in that ring, and for that Survive Or Surrender match, a match that I HAD to win and couldn't afford to make even the slightest mistake...for that to go down in history as a match that sent Bruce Blank packing, as a match that saved my career, and as a match that you felt was the best one this past year, it means a lot. Once again I thank you, and I look forward to providing this company with more classic matches this coming year. The music of Getting Away With Murder and the applauding from the fans take us into our next commercial break. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Shocking Moment of The Year, Female Personality Of The Year and Wrestler of The Year 2007 Angle Awards COMMERCIAL

KRISTA Gimme a minute to get the image of Ned's story out my head, Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes, Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes, Nicole Kidman in daisy dukes with Melody Nerdly in daisy dukes, ah that was quick. Los Diablos will be presenting the feel good moment of the year in just a few moments, and they remind of me of something that happened to me one or two years ago. You see I was giving a speech at this GLAAD meeting for the advancement of gays and lesbians in digital media domains. I basically stressed the need for positive, non stereotypical, strong gay figures in television. The OAOAST heard this message and responded “To hell with you queers” and tossed these sorry head for the border faggots on screen. Ladies and gentlemen, Los Diablos De Fuego! Flamboyant, out of control, gay, and loving every second of it, the gender bending queens of drag n wrestling, strut their red beaded halter mini dress clad stuff onto the stage. Never wanting to miss a moment to disturb the more close minded amongst the audience, Mariachi and Moracca lustily grind their crotches into one another, howling like pitbulls in heat into the podium microphone. MARIACHI He's Moracca! MORACCA And he's Mariachi! MARIACHI And we just love feel good moments! It can be in the gym, in the locker room, in the shower, in the office, in the little boys bathroom, on top of Anglesault's desk, or behind the INS building, as long as it feels good, we say just do it! MORACCA These are the moments that made us feel the best in 2007! Feel Good Moment Of The Year Anglepalooza, When you're the most popular man in the OAOAST, you're bound to be a constant target for those looking to use your name as a stepping stone to greatness. But, Bruce Blank didn't want mere riches and glories as Zack's adversaries of the past had desired. He wanted to erase The Franchise from the pages of the OAOAST history books, and stopped at nothing to achieve his goal. Fortunately for the OAOAST, Zack Malibu overcame his violence prone rival and put him out of the company at Anglepalooza. Anderson Cup, Los Diablos overcome enormous odds and battle their way to the finals: ZUH?! WHAT?! You read correctly amigos, a team considered little more then comedy cannon fodder, Los Diablos shocked the world with wins over The Blonds, and The Wrecking Crew to advance to the finals of The 2007 Anderson Cup. Though they eventually lost to Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright, their thrill ride to the finish line provides hope to the many jobbers and midcarders who should probably be deleted out of the stats thread like yesterday... Angleslam, Jade leaves The Enterprise and reunites with her older bro Leon: The payoff for Leon, D*LUX's and COD's tireless warfare against The Enterprise, and Ned's refusal to control his penis. Jade Rodez decided she could no longer stand Ned's lecherous attempts on her underwear, and having her every move dictated to her by Theodore Moneymaker and returned to the arms of her loving friends and family. HeldDOWN 1/18, Colombian Heat recovers from losing his girlfriend by winning the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles with Spanish Fly:Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy wins HI-YAH tag titles with other boy. Boy happy! Boy happy! MARIACHI and MORACCA And the winner...this one makes us feel very good...Zack Malibu defeating that nasty Bruce Blank, ending Bruce's career in the OAOAST! Zack Malibu receives the mammoth reception that has greeted his every appearance in the OAOAST since his debut. Broadly smiling, he stands up and waves to his peers, while also making sure to give respect to fans sitting in the upper balcony. Zack then walks to the stage shaking hands with various performers on his way down the aisle. ZACK You know, it's fitting that my sending Bruce into a forced retirement netted me this award, because hearing him give up, hearing him throw in the towel...that was just as good if not better than any title win. I know it certainly made my family feel good, and it was a sigh of relief, because I don't think I had much more blood in my body to be spilled, and with medical bills as high as they are these days, it was nice knowing that that lunatic wouldn't be around anymore to cause harm. So on behalf of my lovely girlfriend Candie and our baby daughter I thank you, and as for my doctor all I have to say is I'm sorry, but I'm sure somewhere down the line you'll have to stitch me up or tape up the ol' ribs once again. Thank you! After Zack's exit Krista Isadora Duncan comes back to the stage, smiling sweetly even though she hasn't said a single sweet word all night. KRISTA The presenter for heel of the year can currently be seen denying any involvement in Benzair Bhutto's assassination to international authorities. Ladies and gentlemen, clap your hands for Abdullah Abir Nerdly! The epic and authoritative sounds of Nas' Hate Me Now blast across the arena, creating a mood of hatered that's barely offset by the begrudging applause offered to Abdullah Abir Nerdly by the all too polite crowd. The adopted son of the Nerdly family stations himself behind the podium, tilting his heads towards the heavens and offering praise to his holy guides. ABDULLAH PEACE TO THE GODS! MORTAL SCOUNDRELS, DO GIVE PRAYER TO THE ORIGINAL MAN WHO IS MADE IN YAH'S/ALLAH'S/JAH'S IMAGE the FATHER OF CIVILIZATION creator of MATH, SCIENCE, ARTS, MEDICINE the MIGHTY ABDULLAH ABIR NERDLY! Peace Brothers Synth and Logan! Peace Sister Holly-Wood! Peace Brother Moneymaker! THE REVOLUTION IN THE OAOAST IS AT HAND WITH THIS AWARD! The heel of the year award symbolizes, strength, drive, ferociousness, and victory no matter what the cost! And the mighty men nominated are all worthy of the title of WARRIORS! Brothers like Reject, Landon Maddix, Mister Moneymaker, Stephen Joseph, but most definitely not that mentally polluted paganist PRL. Heel Of The Year Landon Maddix: The man you love to hate, or hate to love, or hate to hate, or just plain ol hate period! Landon Maddix has taken every shortcut, and used every tactic he knows to make himself arguably the most successful wrestler in the world. His cheating hasn't come without its consequences, though, namely the fact that everyone but Megan Skye despises him. PRL: Sure everything is well and good with PRL and the fans right now, but for the majority of the year, America's favorite Rock impersonator, was definitely not Mister Popularity. The disdain for him was so high that people actually ordered School's Out just to see his death. Where is the love ya'll? I don't know? Where's the love ya'll? I don't know. One love. One love. One love. Stephen Joseph: His nickname is The Most Hated Man in the OAOAST. What more must I tell you? Reject: The biggest jerk you can ever run across, Reject seems to live for nothing more than to lavish in the shower of hatred that greets his every OAOAST appearance. His entire existence is singularly devoted to pissing off the OAOAST fanbase in every major American city. Good for you, Reject! Its good to have goals. Theodore Moneymaker: Homophobe. Racist. Liar. Misanthrope. Anti-Semite. Sexist. Cheater. Snob. Criminal. Fraud. Megalomaniac. If he's not the most hated heel in the OAOAST, he sure is the one most likely to spend the better part of eternity rotting in hell. Unlike the other four nominees Moneymaker has never exhibited the slightest possibility that he has any capacity for amiability or decency. ABDULLAH Give praise to your winner....LANDON MADDIX! The audience's demeanor of politeness is reduced to shreds by that announcement, and Landon's victory is “celebrated” by a strenuous song of boos, and from our European fans, whistles. The outgushing of hatred doesn't seem to bother Landon that much, as he makes his way onto the stage with a comfortably smooth smirk. He offers Abdullah a businessman like handshake, but is embraced with the warmth of a brother by the speaker for the prophets. MADDIX Here we go again. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this. I mean come on. (points to himself). I'm a genuine, clean cut young guy with a good woman on my arm, my own pro wrestling company and a fine line of merchandise available through my MySpace page. I'm successful. The only reason anyone could possibly have to hate ME would be jealousy. Which is why I'd like to thank the OAOAST fans for this award, as proof of how successful I must be. If that makes me a 'heel'... whatever the heck that means... then there must be something wrong with all of you. The fans take the first chance to heckle Landon, not really doing much to disprove his point. MADDIX Fact is, I went places in 2007. I'm sure some of you didn't appreciate some of my methods or didn't agree with some things I had to say along the way. What can I say? I'm a former World Champion with a smart mouth and a spiffy new haircut. If that's what passes for a 'badboy' around here, so be it. I here-by denounce the award of 'Heel Of The Year' and re-christen myself RUDO OF THE YEAR! It sounds cooler. VIVA LOS RUDOS!! For no particular reason Los Conquistadors stand and pump a fist in the air in rudo solidarity. MADDIX The rudo way shall be followed in 2008. Expect even more success, even more scathing putdowns and even more of me doing whatever neccessary to keep being Landon Maddix! THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Tag Team of The Year, PPV and TV MOTY 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL

KRISTA The presenters for manager of the year have been in wrestling so long they competed in a tag team match against Abe Lincoln and Ulysses S Grant at Wrestlemania. They're so old I've seen younger faces on twenty dollar bills. They're so old they burst onto the scene the same time as the stones. Not the band, the actual object. Ladies and gentlemen give a very warm welcome to Tony Schiavone and Jesse The Body Ventura! Cue generic ‘80s hard rock music and applause. SCHIAVONE Well Jess, here are we. Less than 24 hours away from the big New Year’s Spectacular tomorrow night live on TSM. Which reminds me, I hope you and your family had a Happy New Year. VENTURA Same to you. But I’m pumped about this next award. Manager of the Year! Here are the nominees. Melody Nerdly: One of the oldest of the Nerdly girls, twenty eight year old Melody only took on the role of manager of The Lonestar Gunslingers to preserve her endangered job. But as luck would have it Melody turned out to be a pretty damned good manager, and has pulled The Gunslingers out of tag team obscurity and into title contention. Megan Skye: The woman with the plan! Megan Skye may not be the most personable character on our roster, but her calm level headed approach works as a perfect counter to Landon's somewhat delusional behavior. Though it was Landon who won and defended the world title, its not a stretch to say he wouldn't have been nearly as successful without Megan by his side. Molly Nerdly: Filmmaker extraordinare, and lowly unpaid intern, Molly was able to secure the role of the Blonds manager because she's cute, she'll hold the camera, and she works for free. I ask you, what more could you want in a manager? Abdullah Abir Nerdly: حدث خطأ اثناء اعراب لمورد مطلوب لخدمة هذا الطلب. يرجى مراجعة المحددة التالية خطأ تحليل التفاصيل الخاصة بك وتعديل الملف المصدر على نحو ملائم. نحن نعيش بخيبه أمل ، "lakers قال المتحدث باسم جون السوداء ، وفقا لمرات." لا نعتقد أن يفعل اي شيء من اي وقت مضى الى تعمد الأذى لاعب آخر. نحن نعيش الذهاب الى المفقودين واحدة من أقصى ما في وسعنا لاعبا للمباراة الجمعة ، ولكن جامعة قرارها واننا لن نقبل عليه ، حتى لو كنا Stephen Joseph: WTF this dude's last name ain't Nerdly. When Popick wasn't busy backstabbing PRL, and assuming control of a stable he spent years shaping, SJ was quite the high quality manager for the former Lightening Crew leader. After all what other manager will actually win a tag title with you as your partner? VENTURA And the winner is… SCHIAVONE Melody Nerdly! “YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” MELODY CUE: “Thriller” by Fall Out Boy After the initial shock wears off, Melody hops up and down like a rabbit high on speed, hugging everyone in her path, including Ned Blanchard who manages to cop a feel or two. NED Award show or not, nothing can come between Melody and her Daisy Dukes. The exuberant manager of the Lone Star Gunslingers skips to the stage and hugs both presenters. MELODY Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! (deep breath) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Thank you soooo much. It’s always an honor to win an award, but even more so when it’s one voted by the fans. Hugs and many kisses to you all. Likewise to those who have helped me along the way. What a 24 hour period this is going to be. First I win Manager of the Year and tomorrow night the Lone Star Gunslingers will capture the One & Only World tag team championship. Thank you again. You have no idea how much this means to… * THUD * Melody smacks the stage floor hard after being SHOVED DOWN by ABDULLAH NERDLY! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” With the Heavenly Rockers backing him up, Abdullah steals the Angle Award and flees to the nearest exit as the Lone Star Gunslingers give chase. As the feuding tag teams clear off the stage, Krista returns to the center of the audience's attention, shaking her head at the mayhem. KRISTA Great to see, Tony Schivaone here. Ya know, I really admire you, Tony. Because of you I've finally been able to see what a real butch lesbian should look like. But, moving on with the awards ceremony, I don't know why we're letting this Todd Cortez guy within sixty miles of a microphone, much less present the entertaining segment of the year. This worthless jackass's acting is about as believable as Synth Esizer's hair peace. His wrestling's even worse. Ninety nine people on this god forsaken roster, and who gets a world title shot? The guy who's wrestling is so bad that his last match made Anglesault spit Zack's dick out his mouth in disgust. But here to present the award for entertaining segment of the year, which is the closest he'll ever get to participating in anything called entertaining, Todd Cortez! Oh No welcomes a beige suited Todd Cortez onto the stage. After his music settles down, and the audience's applauds fade away, he begins presenting, CORTEZ Thanks. I'm glad to be a part of the 2007 Angle Awards, although it would've been nice to have been nominated for one, but no use crying over split milk. Here are the nominations for Entertaining Segment of The Year. Entertaining Segment of The Year. Penalty Shootout Challenge: I'm not going to call you an idiot for not knowing who Kasey Keller is but...HE'S ONLY BEEN THE US TEAM GOALIE SINCE BEFORE YOU PEOPLE WERE BORN. SHIT! Anyway, O'Hara thought he was participating in a clean, unblemished, shootout, but found that Black had no intention of playing by the rules. Living by the motto if you can't beat em, beat em up, Black enlisted his partners in crime Faqu and James Blonde, to obliterate his rival. School Daze: The Beverly Hills Blonds shocking and funny look into the lackadaisical security of ritzy Beverly Hills private schools, turned into all out verbal war between The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew and D*LUX. Dinner With Mister Moneymaker: At the time this took place, the OAOAST world title had been defended a grand total of twice in about six months, so perhaps it wasn't that big of a stretch for Theodore Moneymaker to assume he could purchase the tag titles off Alix Maria Spezia. What followed was a hilarious mishmash of contrasting personalities over dinner, conversation, and an admission of date rape from Ned Blanchard! Chicks On Art: Care to know why Christian Wright and Alix don't get along? Read this segment. Holing up in the Getty Museum under the guise of educational programming, America's Sweethearts did what they do best, verbally beatdown Christian Wright. Reel Talk: Hate The Enterprise all you want, but realize that four of the five nominations for this category have all featured a cast of Enterprise members. The latest entry into The Enterprise hall of fame comes courtesy of The Blonds foray into the profitable field of wrestling talk shows. Their first guests were none other then newly crowned tag team champions, The Heavenly Rockers. CORTEZ The winner is...Dinner With Mister Moneymaker! Much more excited over the victory then her boss, Alix leaps out her seat, and blows a kiss to the surrounding audience. For his part, Moneymaker trudges up to the stage looking throughly disinterested with the entire proceeding. ALIX Dudes, dudettes, and gender-dude-neutral, I have to say, as calmly, and controlled, and even mannered as possible this is FREAKING AWESOME! Rock on mother truckers! MONEYMAKER Hush up, girl. Some people see the Angle awards as a pinnacle of achievement, a monument dedicated to greatness that can not be questioned. Do you want to know what I see this Angle Award as? I see it as a load of crap! A load of hot stinking crap! This award tells me what I've thought along that the OAOAST employ is nothing but a group of subhuman dullards, and this Angle Awards academy is the worst of the bunch. Mouth breathing, knuckle dragging cretins, not worth the steam off my piss! If you knew anything about entertainment, and a quality body of work, you would know that the Entertaining Segment of The Year award does not deserve to be on the mantle of Theodore Moneymaker. The truth is that this award belongs to Ned Blanchard, Simon Singleton, and Molly Nerdly for their hard hitting expose School Daze! Ned, Simon, Molly, please come to the podium and collect your award. ALIX Hey! The Blonds and Molly don't need a second invitation and joyfully celebrate their unexpected award. Hugs, cheek kisses, and Ned's extended feeling up Molly are exchanged by the three, while non Enterprise members in the stands groan in annoyance. The trio head up to the stage, where a grinning Moneymaker and a sullen Alix greet them with warmth and coldness alike. MOLLY When you're a little girl, you dream and you dream, and you dream about the day you're one of the countless losers sitting in the audience without an award, waiting for the day some rich old dude will take pity on you and give you an award, and when that day comes. Its delightfully delightful! I've won Sundance awards, Cannnes Film Festival awards, Canadian Filmaker of the year awards, and there's simply nothing, simply nothing, that compares to this hand me down award. Oh, thank you sir! Thank you, sir! Apparently not being sarcastic, Molly gives her boss an enormous hug, which Theodore is more than happy to accept. SINGLETON What do ya say, Nedders? Angle Awards better then sex? BLANCHARD Normally, I'd say no. But earlier this week i was in Baltimore for an autograph signing, and I was picking up some laxatives at the local Wal*Mart, right, for my famous gag drink the fecalcollata. So, I'm hitting on this bodacious BBBW, named DeShaniqua. And she's feeling the Ned Man's get fresh style, the kind that drives all the big girls wild. We hit it off, and right there in front of Heaven's eyes, and that of numerous southern fried soccer moms and their slack jawed yokel children,she throws me on top of that mini conveyor belt they got on the cash registers. And then DeShaniqua rips down my pants, picks up the scanner and all of a sudden its price check right up my white as.. CUE LOUD MUSIC TO DROWN OUT THE END OF THAT STORY! THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Feel Good Moment of the Year and Heel of The Year 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL

We return from break with a medium shot of Krista Isadora Duncan standing behind the podium and No One playing in the background. KRISTA Our presenter for feud of the year is cool with me. Why? Because he's smoked so much weed that he once shit Snoop Dogg. Welcome Bohemoth to the stage! Thank the god lord Bohemoth is sitting on the asile, as now he doesn't have to trample half the roster to get to the stage. But for good measure he double lariats both Conquistadors without breaking his stride. The monster jogs up onto the stage, and actually lifts our hostess into the air and actually sits her on the podium. KRISTA You remind me of someone I once slept with. What was their name? Oh that's right Rosie O'Donnell. Bo tilts his sunglasses downward and raises his eyebrow, earning a massive pop from the audience. BOHEMOTH Cool. Here are the nominees. Feud of The Year Zack Malibu Vs PRL Vs Landon Maddix For a while you couldn't pay someone to fight for the OAOAST World title. It was featured on television about as frequently as Vinny Valentine. But when Zack Malibu defeated Drek Stone, suddenly it became the hot item to own. Zack's reign was cut criminally short by the devious tactics of Landon Maddix, and suddenly a chase was on! Maddix found himself hounded by Zack, PRL, and later on Todd Cortez, Popick, and Bohemoth. Leon, D*LUX, and COD Vs The Enterprise: What good is money if you can't use it to manipulate the loved ones of your enemies? Useless! Fortunately, Moneymaker's bottomless vault of cash was able to convince Jade to ditch her life with D*LUX and Leon and sell her soul to The Enterprise. Rodez, and D*LUX weren't about to suffer through Moneymaker's treachery quietly, though, and combated him at every turn. But, Moneymaker waged war on two fronts, shelling out hundreds of thousands of dollars to different tag teams to end COD's title reign, and rid the OAOAST and the entertainment world of their lesbian influence. Thankfully, D*LUX and Leon were able to win Jade back to the side of good, and COD stomped out Moneymaker's homophobic flames. Sandman9000 Vs Felix Strutter: Having bested Thunderkid in their wars for the Heartland title, Felix Strutter may have believed his time with the belt would be an endless procession of easy victories. But, the returning Sandman rained on this parade with a barrage of chair shots and kendo sticks, defeating Felix at Zero Hour. Though Strutter continued to chase Sandman, he never recaptured his belt. PRL Vs Bohemoth: Its no secret that PRL has one of the biggest mouthes in the OAOAST, but what happens when that big mouth talks him right into the path of the biggest superstar in the OAOAST? Pain. Lots of agonizing, distressing, horrific, pain. But at least he didn't die! The Heavenly Rockers Vs The Lonestar Gunslingers: What started out as a friendly partnership between two tag teams, degenerated into a rivalry born of petty jealously, and violent betrayal. Teams such as the Sk8r Boiz, Los Diablos, and The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew made cameo appearances, but all three were tossed by the wayside, paring the dispute back down to The Rockers and The Gunslingers. Tomorrow night both teams look to settle the score once and for all. BOHEMOTH Tie game. Zack Malibu Versus PRL Versus Landon Maddix, and The Enterprise Versus D*LUX, COD and Leon Rodez. As the audience applauds, Bohemoth reattaches his sunglasses and casually strides off stage. Leon is first onto the podium, having shoved his face of the year award into Maggie's arms, and rushing to the podium. D*LUX quickly join him, while The Enterprise and Krista have their obvious reasons for bwoing out graciously from the acceptance speech. LEON Whoo-yah! Back in the winners circle right where I belong! But I couldn't have gotten up here if it weren't for the terrible unforeseen betrayal of my little sister, and Theodore Moneymaker being a lunatic homophobic wack job! Great stuff, all of you. This feud wasn't easy for me, I had just come back from my injury, fought an emotional battle against Todd Cortez, and all of a sudden my sister goes to work for the Antichrist. We all could've given up, let Moneymaker and crew have their way with our family, and our friend. But we came together under one common goal, and pardon my parlez vous francais, we kicked The Enterprise's ass! That gains a gargantuan ovation from anyone not setting within the direct view of The Enterprise. Pumping their fists to the cheering audience, Leon and D*LUX exit down the steps, which gives Krista her cue to return to the stage. At the sight of their crush, D*LUX tries to run back onto stage, but Leon wisely ushers them back to their seats. KRISTA Our presenter for entertaining character of the year, Colombian Heat, comes all the way from planet “You try to hard.” He raps, he dances, he does everything but entertain people. Colombian Heat is to the OAOAST what The Miami Heat is to the OAOAST. He looks like George Lopez and annorexia had a baby, and then peed on it. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give it up for the OAOAST United States Champion Colombian Heat! Onto the stage strolls Colombian Heat, not exactly dressed for the occasion, in baggy jeans, white tank top and a ten inch chain with a sparking red pendant shaped like the country of Colombia. After flashing a gang sign to the applauding fans, Heat settles himself behind the podium. HEAT Yo, yo, yo, yo! I said yo, yo, yo, yo! Colombian Heat all up in dis hizouse! LISSSSSEN! Aw yeah, I ain't never seen an awards show dis fly. Never. More gangstas here then at rosco's chicken n waffles, ya'll. And now dat C.Heat taken over da stage dis party bout to get poppin! So if all of y'all homies and homegirlz is ready to hear dem nominees fo' entertaining character of the year then make some motha f'ing noise UP IN THIS BIAAAAATCH! “YEAAAAAAA!” Most Entertaining Character The Year Christian Wright: Wordy, obnoxious and unbelievably arrogant, Wright's limitless vocab was all but silenced the moment he joined The Enterprise. But try as you might, you can't keep a good intellectual snob down, even if you bash him in the skull with Encyclopedia Britannicas, and as the year wore on, Christian returned to his regular overly-righteous, and deliriously entertaining self. Nathanial Black lol this hurr foreigner he talk all funny like! Like an evil Charley Brown, try as he might, Black never quite gets what he wants, always kept down by OAOAST hireachary. And like Ol Charlie Brown, Black never ceases complaining about his mistreatment, and never ceases being entertaining when he does it. Logan Mann Whether he's actually a rockstar, or even capable of playing an instrument is up for debate (answer to both questions: NO!) But what can't be called into question is the entertainment brought on by his “me first me second and me last” personality, and his grossly over inflated sense of self worth. Since his introduction into the OAOAST, Logan has remained one of its most entertaining figures. Krista Isadora Duncan: Jane Fonda meets Sarah Silverman, meets a whole lotta Vodka! Poor Krista is an actress trapped in a world full of wrestlers, and doesn't have a single way out. Krista's misfortune is our gain, as her despised circumstances have yielded years worth of funny promos, insult comedy, goofy matches, and sitcom-esque skits. Alix Maria Spezia Krista's ex is part airhead ditz, part wannabe gangbanger, part mad scientist, and at times part political satirist. A complicated woman who can hit bimbo, comedian, rambling loon, angry socialite, and witty socio-political commentator all in one hilarious sentence, Alix is gunning for her second most entertaining award. HEAT Da winnah be...ALIX MARIA SPEZIA There's no need to share this award with Krista, which means that Mackenzie will finally allow Alix to take the stage. A quick congratulatory shoulder rub is all Mackenzie seems willing to give Alix, though, before she sends her on her way. Slender figure packed into a flowing white evening gown, Alix gracefully walks onto the stage, smiling that million dollar award ceremony smile that can only come from living all your life in Los Angeles. ALIX Hi! So this is pretty cool, I didn't get to say anything about my earlier two awards, because you know, its kinda hard to get some me time away from the Marquis De Sade in the third row. So, like, thank you so much for those. Way cool. While I'm up here, let me also thank Melody Nerdly, yeah, for stealing my entire personality. Uh-huh, its called originality and creativity, maybe you oughta try them some time. Just a thought, Only kidding! Love ya, Mel, you're my best friend, call me every ten minutes. So time be serious Susie, e-wrestling palz, or serious Soo-Yan, Korean e-wrestling pals, I gotta show love to one of my fellow nominees, Christian Wright. I know you gotta be super pissed to lose to me again, dude, and my heart goes out to ya, along with my lunch, breakfast and dinner every time you speak! But look on the bright side, you could be fat, ugly, taking orders from a poorly done Ted Dibiase ripoff, and have a haircut that looks like pubic hair...oh sorry. Well, anywho, thanks a bunch, love ya much! Dang, that kinda sorta rhymed and I didn't even try. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH Manager Of The Year and Entertaining Segment Of The Year 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL

After the highlights from Anglemania draw to a close, we're brought to a view of Krista Isadora Duncan, sitting on stage, tanned legs crossed, gazing whimsically towards the audience. KRISTA Okay, okay, we're back. Unfortunately. The presenter for face of the year is so pale and has had so much plastic surgery over the past few months that when I saw her today I thought she was Anna Nicole Smith's open casket funeral. Ladies and gentlemen, Candie! A strong geyser of applause erupts from the stands, as the gathered crowd welcomes Candie onto the stage. The current Missus Malibu is all smiles, and waves to the reverent audience members while I Want Candie plays in the background. CANDIE Hi, everyone. Great to be back here among all the OAOAST superstars, their families, their friends, and all you great fans. Those in the final rows of balcony throw up a large cheer for the recognition of their unhealthy and obsessive fandom. CANDIE Being with Zack, I like to think that maybe I have an alright idea of what it takes to be a strong face in the OAOAST. The fans of the OAOAST are too smart and sophisticated to cheer for just anyone the company tells them to. If you want to be loved in the OAOAST, then I think you need to show the virtues of valor, strength, integrity and honesty. If you can embody all those qualities, and its not easy, then you can have a great relationship with these fans. I happen to think all these men nominated for face of the year fit these qualifications and then some. Let's meet them. Face of The Year Zack Malibu: A company man through thick and thin, Zack Malibu has dedicated his entire tenure in the OAOAST to defending his beloved company against those who would do it harm. For that he's earned a permanent place in the fans' hearts, and an eternal nomination in this category. Leon Rodez: Who says nice guys finish last? Leon Rodez has kept his cool, his calm, and his sense of humor through situations that would break a normal man. His fun-loving demeanor (and cleverly named signature moves) make him one of the most popular babyfaces in the OAOAST. And The Love Shack is pretty funny to boot! Thunderkid: A true believer in the phrase actions speak louder then words, Thunderkid may not talk much, but he never fails to make his point known with his sharp wrestling skills. This silent but violent approach to the world of wrestling, has earned him the respect of the OAOAST faithful. Colombian Heat: Tony Montana may hate Colombians, but our fans sure don't! At least those Colombians with the last name Heat. Despite some dramatic moments, and enemies hell bent on squashing him like a bug, Heat's had a fantastic year in the OAOAST, and the fans have certainly taken notice. Sandman9000: A surprise return to the OAOAST at Zero Hour has refreshed the fans' memories of the legend of Sandman and turned him into quite the popular hardcore icon. CANDIE The winner is.....LEON RODEZ! And now Leon gets to celebrate good times! Hugs are given to Zack Malibu, Maggie, Josh Matthews, Jade, and Theodore Moneymaker, until Leon realizes who he's hugging and begins acting like he's going throw up. Uno tries to get in on the celebratory mood, but The Silky Smoth one orders him to clean up a naty spill in the bathroom and rushes onto stage. He hugs Candie, and accepts his award, giving it a high five! LEON Last year, a certain Zack Malibu won this very award. Don't worry though folks, I'm not going to give you the same kind of feel-good, violin-music-in-the-background, can't believe I sat through this entire chick-flick for this cheese-fest ending, super nice guy, believe in yourself, children are the future, did I ever show you this picture of my little daughter I carry around in my wallet, oh I did, let me show you again in that case kinda speech he did. Cut to a very shocked looking Zack, hearing the first of this. Leon gives him a thumbs up. LEON But there was one thing that I'd like to bring up. He said last year, this quote that I memorised last night because I fully expected to win this award. He said, "Heroes don't necessarily need to be pure, whitebread baby-kissers." Now, I'm anything but pure. I don't do whitebread. Wholemeal all the way. And the only baby I'm kissing this New Year is my baby Maggie sitting dead centre, third table. Maggie Nerdly waves from Leon's table. At least I think it's Maggie. LEON The fact is I like to have fun. In the ring, out of the ring, whenever possible. I've always prided myself on stepping into that ring and competing with a smile on my face, as much as someone physically can. No matter what the situation. This year hasn't all been sunshine, smiles and irreverent comments though. I've had to be the hero at times. I've had to be the guy who stands up for what he believes in, who fights against the odds who do what's right. It wasn't until earlier this year I understood how one man could be as infuriatingly nice as Zack on this stage this time last year. But here I stand, following in his footsteps by thanking you all for supporting me throughout. Fans and friends. Yes, that includes you Zack. Zack gives Leon a thumbs up, albeit still looking a little cut-up that his speech was picked apart. LEON Whether I got this award for fighting for my family... Sat with D*LUX, Jade smiles up at her brother. LEON ...or just being the same goofball you've followed for a couple of years now, I appreciate it. Here's to a quieter 2008, so I don't have to make such a cheesy speech next year. In comes applause from the crowd, out goes Leon, in comes Krista, the two timing their entrance and exits perfectly in order to avoid that nasty thing called face to face interaction. KRISTA I have to deviate from the program for a lil bit, because there's been something that's been burning my mouth all night long. No, its not the after effect of going down on Molly Nerdly, its a question. Holy-Wood, girlfriend, I need to talk to you, a good old fashioned woman to eighty pound crack whore talk. Please be honest with me, honey, because I need to know the truth. Why are you having sex with Logan Mann? I mean Anglesaults fucked more black men then the United States legal system and he still wouldn't touch Logan Mann! Felix Strutter, the unlucky soul sitting next to an uncomfortably nodding Anglesault, petions to anyone within earshot to switch sheets with him. KRISTA I guess you have to take what you can get, Holly, because your crack is so old Vinny Santana used to sell it. The joke gets a particularly enthusiastic reaction from Santana, who stands up, and begins barking like a dog at those around him. KRISTA Okay, enough, enough. The presenter for title reign of the year is the only thing that could make Mariachi gag. If Megan Skye could suck as hard and long as he does, Landon would never ever leave the house. He's an avowed atheist and if you lived his life you'd hate god also, ladies and gentlemen, my very good friend, Mister Terry Taylor! Eager to show off his snazzy lime green tuxedo and flawlessly combed hair, Taylor springs from his seat. Upsetting numerous wrestlers, who could easily kick his ass, he tramples feet and leg alike trying to get from his middle seat to the aisle. Unfortunately as he reaches the end of his row, the sneaky Ned Blanchard sticks his foot out and trips him, drawing uproarious laughter from everyone in attendance. Throughly embarrassed, Terry slinks onto the stage, getting a pat on the back from Krista before positioning himself behind the podium TAYLOR I worked backstage with a lot of the nominees for this award back when they were young...or in Krista's case, less old...sorry Krista. And it gives me a lot of pride to see the way they've managed to mature and achieve so much success in the OAOAST. Without further adieu here are the nominees. Title Reign of the Year Landon Maddix's OAOAST World Championship reign: Landon didn't exactly win the title under the most respectable of circumstances, and many thought he wouldn't be long for the belt. But the former SWF world champion survived threats from PRL, Zack Malibu, and even old running buddy Todd Cortez to hold onto his title, and restore respectability to a long tarnished belt. Strangely enough it was his weakest opponent, Stephen Joseph, who brought an abrupt end to his reign. Chicks Over Dicks three separate one and only world tag team title reigns: From the moth of January to the end of October, America's Sweethearts were without the OAOAST tag titles for a grand total of one week and twelve minutes. The girls battled back nearly every team in the division to retain their belts for the majority of the year. Colombian Heat's 24/7 reign culminating in becoming the unifed United States Champion: Heat's ride with the 24/7 title has been rocky and tumultuous, but the South American superstar has always sipped from victory's chalice no matter what the odds. In spite of James Riggs aggressive pursuit of his title, Heat managed to defeat the young superstar en route to becoming the brand new United States Champion. The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew's HI-YAH tag title reign: HI-YAH's last great hurrah, The Mardi Gras Wrecking were faced with continuous challenges from The Lonestar Gunslingers, and The Heavenly Rockers throughout the summer. Though the careers of Rico and Lucius have fallen on hard times to say the least, they can take solace in knowing that they never fell to the current OAOAST tag team champions. And that they get paid to wrestle once a month at the most. Can you imagine that? You don't have do shit but goof off in a new city every week and maybe work five minutes every couple weeks, and you still get paid? Damn that's good living. Reject's OAOAST International World Championship Reign: Reject brought down Alfdogg's three year WDW title reign, and immediately found himself in a mainevent spotlight when his belt was changed into the International World Title. Despite stiff competition, and making a new enemy almost every time he opened his mouth, the New Yorker held onto his belt until a shocking loss to Felix Strutter[/b] TAYLOR And the winner is......Chicks Over Dicks three separate one and only world tag team title reigns! ALIX Yay....OWWWW! The sudden change of emotion by Miss Spezia is caused by Mackenzie's remarkably tight grip onto her arm, effectively holding her into place and keeping her from reaching the stage to accept the award with Krista. TAYLOR Krista just sent me a text message, she's backstage changing her dress. She told me to tell you she accidentally walked into the men's bathroom and that there were so many Mexican dicks she thought she walked between Theodore Moneymaker's ass cheeks. While the rest of the audience ooooohs and ahhhhs, Los Conquistadors nod knowingly, until MARV tells them to go get him something to drink. TAYLOR That leaves me to take the award for the girls. I've been the target of a few jokes by the girls. A lot of jokes actually. But its all in fun. All in fun. Because that's what their title reigns have always been about. Fun. Making people laugh, and entertaining them. If they had a good time, they thought the wins would come. But I think the wins came because they worked hard. They were willing to defend the title against anyone, from The Militia, to Landon Maddix and Todd Cortez. And they defended it almost every week, without compliant or fail. And they were successful. I believe its a shame they're not up here to share the award together. If I could just finish with one thought, I'd like to direct it to Mackenzie DeCenzo, GET THE HELL OUT STUPID HO! Thunderous clapping shoots from the stands, while Mackenzie shifts uncomfortably in her chair. Alix doesn't offer much in the way of support, instead slouching down and dejectedly folding her arms across her chest. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH The Award for Entertaining Character of The Year and Feud of The Year 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL

2007 Angle Awards We're brought into the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas, where the traditional banquet style setup of Angle Awards past has been superseded by a flashier Oscar style seating arrangement. On the floor level sits the OAOAST superstars, and various backstage and office personalities. Above them in a balcony are invited guests, and fans who have paid top dollar to witness the most important ceremony in sports entertainment. The stage is a sleek black surface, highlighted by the jumbo videoscreen, and towering video structures that look something like mutant icicles. These odd sculptures flash red and blue, perfectly matching the starry lighting that washes over the seating. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for the 2007 Angle Awards...all the way from Los Angeles, California, Miss Krista Isadora Duncan! Met with a gargantuan pop from the still standing audience, the MC for the evening twirls and pirouettes her way onto flashy stage, holding a half full Martini in her hand. "KRISTA! KRISTA! KRISTA!" KRISTA Thank you so much. Welcome to the 2007 Angle Awards, where we celebrate the best of ripoffs, stolen gimmicks, and poorly done tributes, all while managing to avoid several class action lawsuits from the WWF and its intellectual properties. I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of “hey, this guy still works here?” faces. You know who I'm talking about. You know exactly who I'm talking about. What a gang of losers we have here tonight. Chris Stevens, Johnny Jax, Vitamin X? The last time I heard the names any of you dopes I was playing Monopoly “No one gives a flying fuck” edition. Yeah, I'd like to buy Mister Boricua for for a moldy pissed on bedsheet, and Terry Taylor's used adult diaper. And even then I'm overpaying. Marcellus Wallace. Marcellus, I thought you OD'ed on heroin. I've been writing checks to the United Negro college fund in your memory for three months. Who am I kidding I've been writing checks to Longview Liqour and Bail Bonds on Crenshaw. Marcellus, even you gotta admit you suck at wrestling. Pick up the gun, the crack pipe, the coco butter, the heroin, the eight kids by fourteen different women, do whatever it is you do, but please, stop wrestling matches. Now memorize that and repeat it to the thirty wrestlers sitting to your right. Aside from the thirty wrestlers sitting to Marcellus' right, there's loud applause from the auditorium audience. KRISTA So, I've been listening to interviews with the OAOAST superstars, my use of the term superstars being as loose as Tony Schiavone's vagina. And a lot of the interviews have to do with the Angle Awards. One that struck me as sad was Holly-Wood's one on OAOAST.com where she said she wouldn't feel comfortable holding an Angle Award. She wouldn't feel comfortable. That's a shame, and I knew I had to something about it. So I decided to petition the Academy into changing the award's shape into something she's more used to holding, the penis of every male in the OAOAST lockeroom. SYNTH HOLLY SYNTH KRISTA Alright, alright, we got a great show for you tonight. I know whenever someone says that in the OAOAST you wind up with Spanish Fly in the mainevent, but this time its serious, so stick around, because at the very least Jock Mulligan has been throwing back beers since one in the afternoon, and that's either a six shooter in his pocket or he's just very happy to be sitting next to Thunderkid. Either way someone's getting fucked up tonight! We fade out from a wide shot of the crowd in the balcony area applauding wildly. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH The Award for Underrated Wrestler of The Year and Couple Of The Year 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL Returning from break, the screen is field by a medium close up pan across the floor seating. Every wrestler offers his own personalized greeting to the viewing audience, Bohmoeth tilts his sun glasses to the camera, Biff tries to get in a plug for a Hybrid automobile before the camera quickly rushes to a masked Dos and Uno. Standing in the asile. Working as ushers. Directing the slightly more important Rescue 911 to their seats. Finally the view goes back to the charismatic hostess. KRISTA Welcome back, people with nothing better to do with their time. Our presenter for most underrated wrestler of the year is so gay that even Theodore Moneymaker wouldn't bash him, ladies and gentlemen I sadly give to you Anglesault! Heralded by polite applause from the fans and invited guests, and enthusiastic applause from the midcarders who's very existence hinges on his whims, the HD boss strolls out onto the stage in a gaudy white suit with black pinstripes. When Yankees fans go to far! He situates himself behind the wide, sleek, black podium, puts on his reading glasses and begins. ANGLESAULT In my in ring career I don't think anyone would have ever called me underrated and underappreicated. In fact I happen to know that there were often debates between you fans on whether I was overrated and overvalued. Even my own peers called me into question. Many backstage said I didn't appreciate the ham and eggers, the low card guys who held the show together for big stars like me. But, as a general manager I've really come to appreciate every wrestler on a roster. I find new things to like about you men and women every single day on the job. So, I'm very happy to be able to present the award for most Underrated wrestler. Underrated Wrestler of The Year Christopher Patrick Allen: The Enterprise's heavy hitter, Christopher Patrick Allen may sometimes be overshadowed by the bombastic personalities of his fellow stable mates, but his achievements are certainly worth noting. In his first full year of active competition, CPA has captured six man gold, and amassed the most impressive won/loss record of anyone without the first name Landon, Alix, Krista, or Theodore. Deuce Deuce Bigleow: DDB burst onto the scene with WDW as a tag partner for OAOAST veteran Jumbo. But once the OAOAST absorbed WDW DBD fell into the bottomless pit known as the OAOAST midcard. Despite this Bigelow has amassed a cult following from people who really, really, really liked Bam Bam Bigelow (Tony, I'm talking about you, baby!) D*LUX: Huge in Japan, and pretty damn well liked in America, D*LUX may be the most successful set of wrestlers nominated for this award. However, they're typically overshadowed by a larger personality, such as six man partner Leon Rodez or their beloved crush Krista Isadora Duncan. Here's a shoot from patty's gun to ur head: D*LUX is so underrated and underappreciated that when I suggested they win the tag titles, their creator, KC, said “Nah, I don't want them to win the tag titles.” My man KC is hard and fast on these hoes. Cuban Wall: The CPA of the Lightening Crew, Wall's dominating wrestling style has earned him the fear of his opponents, but not necessarily the respect of the fans. Though he's won singles titles before, he's struggled to maintain consistent visibility in the OAO. Jamie O'Hara: O'Hara started off the year strong, winning the X Division title from Reject before being stripped of it by management. But the latter months of 2007 were anything but pleasant for O'Hara, as he suffered an injury at the hands of Nathanial Black. ANGLESAULT And your winner...D*LUX! There are applause all around for the first award winners of the evening as D*LUX, outfitted in white dress shirts and black pants, give each other fist pumps and trot out to the aisle. On their way to the stage, they're trailed by Jade Rodez, wearing a tiered satin layer navy halter dress. Handshakes are exchanged with Anglesault before Jade leans into the microphone. JADE Uh, these guys don't do much talking... possibly why they're the most underrated... so I'll say we wanna thank all of our fans. We wanna thank Leon for all the help he's given us over the past year at different times, in different situations. We also wanna thank Krista, just 'cause. Hey Krista! SHAYNE/TYLER YAY KRISTA! JADE We've all had a tough year. But we've come through it all on the other side and hopefully this year'll be even bigger than the last. We wanna make this the year we become the One and Only World Tag Team Champions! For all of you out there! Thank you! As the winners of the award clear off the stage, our hostess with da mostess returns with a broad smile on her face. That smile may have something to do with the fact she narrowly escaped a five minute group hug with Shayne and Tyler. KRISTA Congratulations, you three! I feel like a proud mother. But, moving on, our presenter for couple of the year, Leon Rodez, has had a long and healthy career both in the OAOAST, and in the field of gangbang pornography. As a former pornstar, I'm sure many of you remember the first time you saw Leon Rodez' balls.....in the lockeroom slapping against Zack Malibu's chin. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give a warm welcome to The Grand Rapids Love Child, Leon Rodez! Leon comically jogs onto the stage as slow as the producer yelling “HURRY UP, MAN!” will allow him, so as to properly soak in the cheers of the audience. Upon reaching the podium, Leon begins running through a series of over-dramatic celebrations, tears pouring from his eyes, and arms extending to embrace a crowd of thousands. Problem is he hasn't won anything yet, he's only presenting. A fact that he's reminded of by the heated producer standing off stage. LEON The couple of the year award brings to light a question that's hounded me since the first time I saw that bobbing head guys skit with Chris Kattan and Will Ferrel on Saturday Night Live. And so I ask you, friends and foe alike, what is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more. Woah, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. I don't know why you're not there. I give you my love, but you don't care. So what is right? And what is wrong. Give me a sign. What is love. Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more. What is love. Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more. Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh. Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh. Yeah, that was a lot easier then staying up all night thinking of funny jokes. Hey did you here the one about Spears, Britney and or Jamie Lynn? She and or they are and or is a hoe and or hoes! Ha and or boo! Right, well, here's the nominations for couple of the year and or...um..no..nevermind Couple of The Year Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan: Maybe not the first openly gay tag team (fuck you los diablos), but definitely the first tag team to be in a lesbian relationship. The girls from Cali are the only couple in OAOAST history to ever hold the tag titles. And that's a good thing because would you really want Hell's Hitmen swapping spit after squashing the SCM? Maybe so, Patty. Maybe so. Alix Maria Spezia and Mackenzie: Gone are the happy days of insulting Terry Taylor. Gone are the joyful nights snuggled in bed mocking Katie Holmes latest fashin faux paux on E! News. Gone are the nights of seeing Katie Holmes in public and telling her how nice that dress looks. Gone is Krista Isaodra Duncan and here is Mackenzie DeCenzo, new girlfriend of Alix Maria Spezia. With new girlfriends come new problems, and the relationship has been anything but peaceful. Leon Rodez and Maggie Nerdly: When you're an ex-pornstar getting laid should come as no big problem. And its most certainly not for Leon Rodez, as the silky smooth one is the apple of many a woman's eye. But, it was the super fresh,ultra cute interview personality, Maggie Nerdly who captured Leon's heart during the waning months of 07. PRL and Miss Lindsay G: Young and in love, PRL and Miss Lindsay Gonzales were thought to be as inseparable as any couple in the OAOAST. Lindsay was as devoted to PRL as he was to she. But one enormous wedge known as Stephen Joseph split them apart, leaving the spurned Puerto Rican on a hunt for revenge. LOLLY: Ill-reputed, ill-tempered, and ill-mannered. These are just one of hundred of negative advantages used to describe the arrogant couple of Logan Mann and Holly-Wood. Going by the old saying birds of a feather flock together, Logan and Holly's marriage has been a match that's rocked the heavens. LEON And the winner is...we have a tie.....Lolly and Chicks Over Dicks.. Understandably irate with the outcome, Mackenzie DeCenzo makes her voice heard over the murmur of the audience. MACKENZIE No, no, no, Alix won't be accepting that award! I don't think so! That is a time in Alix's life she is eager to forget. You go ahead, and you keep that mister..mister...you know who are, I don't need to say your name, whatever it is, aloud. You keep that award. LEON Credibility thy name is not 2007 Angle Awards. Very well, the winner, the only winner, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, is Lolly! You’d think Synth won the award judging from his actions, punching his tag partner in the shoulder. The pair receive a high-five from the Colonel before heading up to accept their award. LOGAN Ain’t no complaining tonight sayeth the Macho MACHO Mann! But it’s not like there was any doubt which couple would be walking away with the Angle. Not only can I wipe the floor with all the men in the squared circle, but Holly and I would beat you and your girl! Just like the Heavenly Rockers are going to beat the Lone Star Gunslingers to successfully defend their One & Only World tag team titles tomorrow night at the New Year’s Spectacular! “BOO!” The Gunslingers remain calm, cool and collected in their seats, smiling wryly at Logan. LOGAN Tomorrow night at the NYS, Gunslingers, the Heavenly Rockers will prove once again why they’re not just the greatest rock ‘n’ wrestling band of all-time…but the greatest tag team to ever set foot in a wrestling ring! Lolly exit the stage to a chorus of boos. THE 2007 ANGLE AWARDS RETURNS WITH The Award for Face of The Year and Title Reign of The Year 2007 ANGLE AWARDS COMMERCIAL The winner of the 2007 PPV of the year: Anglemania

Voting starts right now, and ends on the 21st at about well...whenever I arbitrarily decide a time in the afternoon. Winners will be notified on the 22/23rd, and have until the evening of January 1st to give me that sweet funky stuff, aka acceptance speeches! The awards ceremony will take place on January the 2nd, the day before The New Years Spectacular. Be you not of the house of Montague, come and crush a cup of wine! Why so much time to write an acceptance speech? Easy! With such a small writing pool, I expect a few of you could bag multiple awards. And if ya graduated 4th grade, you can logically determine that means more speeches to write! Now, if you haven't sworn off the teachings of christ our lord, amen, or have found a nice jewish girl to marry, this is the holiday season! Which means, busy, busy, busy visiting people you don't really like but feel kinda obligated to go see, and if you don't, your mother gives you this whole spiel about your grandmother's seventy eight years old, she won't be around forever, is time so valuable that you can't spend an hour...anyway, yep, you're busy. Add in to that regular OAOAST writing for HD, and the New Years Spectacular, which realistically won't get posted until Valentine's day, and that's even more to do! So, I, in all my wisdom, figure, hey, why not give you some extra time to write what could be multiple speeches? Alright, there's only five, at the most six at the least four, choices per award. Reason being, there's only about seven of us in the fed, and I ain't trynna fire shots at bros, but I don't think all of you will remember to vote! So by keeping the choices on the low, I think I can avoid something damn stupid like a three way tie. ***The Ballot*** "Hey I made it, I'm the world's greatest" Pro.Wres dude of the year -Landon Maddix -Zack Malibu -PRL -Reject -Stephen Joseph "With so much personality, what do you want from me? I can be by myself and enjoy the company" Most Entertaining Character -Alix Spezia -Krista Isadora Duncan -Christian Wright -Logan Mann -Nathaniel Black "Let Them Hate Me So As Long as They Fear Me" Heel Of The Year -Landon Maddix -PRL -Stephen Joseph -Reject -Theodore Moneymaker "Good ol' boys never meanin' no harm!" Face Of The Year -Zack Malibu -Leon Rodez -Thunderkid -Colombian Heat -Sandman9000 "Girls! All I really want is girls!" Female Personality of The Year -Krista Isadora Duncan -Alix Maria Spezia -Mackenzie DeCenzo -Melody Nerdly -Jade Rodez "People let me tell ya bout my best friend" Tag Team of The Year -Theodore Moneymaker & Christian Wright -Chicks Over Dicks -Team Heyross -The Heavenly Rockers -The Lonestar Gunslingers "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, don't like you" Feud of the Year -The Heavenly Rockers Vs The Lonestar Gunslingers w/cameo apperances by a whole bunch of other dudes -Leon, D*LUX, and COD Vs The Enterprise -Sandman9000 Vs Felix Strutter -PRL Vs Zack Malibu Vs Landon Maddix (+more!) -PRL Vs Bohemoth Oh, baby baby, we belong together Couple of the year -Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan -Alix Maria Spezia and Mackenzie DeCenzo -Leon Rodez and Maggie Nerdly -PRL and Miss Lindsay G. -Lolly! (Logan and Holly) "A Midcarder's Solemen Tears" Most Underrated/Unappreciated Wrestler(s) -Christopher Patrick Allen -D*LUX -Deuce Deuce Bigelow -Cuban Wall -Jamie O'Hara Did you realize that you were a champion? Best Title Reign(s) -Landon Maddix's OAOAST World Championship reign -Chicks Over Dicks three separate one and only world tag team title reigns. -Colombian Heat's 24/7 reign culminating in becoming the unifed United States Champion -The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew's HI-YAH tag title reign -Reject's OAOAST International World Championship Reign Paid da cost to be da boss Manager/Valet/whatever the fuck you wanna call 'em of the year -Megan Skye -Melody Nerdly -Molly Nerdly -Stephen Joseph -Colonel Abdullah Nerdly okay I'm tired of cute titles Best PPV -Pick one! PPV MOTY -AnglePalooza: Survive Or Surrender, Zack Malibu Vs Bruce Blank -November Reign: Triple Decker Cage Match for the OAOAST World Title, Stephen Joseph (Champion) Vs Zack Malibu Vs PRL Vs Landon Maddix Vs Bohemoeth Vs Todd Cortez -Zero Hour: Chamber Of Hell Three, Sandman Vs Felix Strutter Vs Brock Ausstin Vs Alfdogg Vs Thunderkid Vs Chris Stevens -School's Out: Hell In A Cell Match For The Golden Contract: "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican (Owner of the Golden Contract) vs. Bohemoth -Angleslam: Leon Rodez, Chicks Over Dicks, and D*LUX Vs The Enterprise -Anglemania, Sin City Street Fight, The Heavenly Rockers Vs The Sooner Bruisers FREE TV (HeldDOWN and Syndicated) MOTY -HeldDOWN~! 8/16 OAOAST World Title, Landon Maddix (Champion) Vs Todd Cortez HeldDOWN 8/4-Tag Team Scramble Cage Match to crown the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions. -HeldDOWN~! 4/26, Caboose, Zack Malibu, Jamie O'Hara and Bohemoth Vs Cuban Wall, PRL, Vitamin X, and Bone Thug -HeldDOWN~! 1/18, HI-YAH Tag Team Championship, "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican & Stephen Joseph Popick vs. Colombian Heat & Spanish Fly -HeldDOWN~! 8/16 Reject and Thunderkid Vs Alfdogg and Felix Strutter -HeldDOWN~! 9/20 Chris Stevens Vs Brock Ausstin Vs Alfdogg Vs Thunderkid Most Entertaining Segment of The Year -HeldDOWN~! 2/8, a match made in hillbilly heaven, Melody unites with The Lonestar Gunslingers -HeldDOWN~! 3/15, Chicks Over Art, a serious discussion of the artistic merits of Christian Wright with Alix and Krista -HeldDOWN 3/1, Dinner and Business With Mister Moneymaker, Theodore Moneymaker entertains Alix at his family's private resturant and attempts to buy the tag titles off her. -Zero Hour,Penalty Shootout Challenge, in which KC exposes the soccer ignorance of everyone in the OAOAST except for me. Go Man City! -HeldDOWN 11/8, Reel Talk premiers with special guests The Heavenly Rockers! -HeldDOWN 8/31, SCHOOL HAZE A documentary film By Simon Singleton Cinematography by Molly Nerdly STARRING Rico De Janeiro Lucius Soul and featuring Tyler Bryant Shayne Brave yeah, having to do links is not so fun. Most Shocking Moment of The Year -Zero Hour, Holly-Wood turns on partner Melody Nerdly to reunite with husband Logan Mann -Halloween Spectacular, Stephen Joseph defies universe's expectations and wins the world title -Zero Hour, Sandman9000 returns to win the Heartland Invitational Chamber of Hell -HeldDOWN 6/28, Landon Maddix cashes in on his Money In The Bank Title shot and defeats Zack Malibu to win the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship -HeldDOWN 11/8, Alix leaves Krista for Mackenzie, thus signaling the breakup of Chicks Over Dicks Feel Good Moment Of The Year -Angleslam, Jade leaves The Enterprise and reunites with her older bro Leon -Anglepalooza, Zack Malibu finally defeats Bruce Blank, ending Bruce's career in the OAOAST -Anderson Cup, Los Diablos overcome enormous odds and battle their way to the finals (then disappear for months, but that's not important!) -HeldDOWN 1/18, Colombian Heat recovers from losing his girlfriend by winning the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles with Spanish Fly

Little notice for ya'll cats, I only need the speech, you don't have to worry about listing the nominations or writing someone presenting the award, I take care of all that. If its important for you to know who's presenting your award then I guess you can always ask me. If anyone has a problem with a character presenting an award, speak now or forever hold your peace I now pronounce you husband and husband. Yay!

THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY PRESENTED IN HD As always the epic and airy sounds of the title track from Chamillionaire's Ultimate Victory join the magnificently produced introductory video which features numerous gryed shots of the main characters (sorry los diablos, mister boricua,etc) engaged in several victory poses. As the video winds down and the song fades out finishes the logo bleeds onto the screen The logo dissolves right into the image of orange polo shirted announce team at the announce desk. COLE Ladies and gentlemen it is the final HeldDOWN of 2007, and it is coming to you from the deserts of the southwest! The OAOAST is in Phoneix, Arizona, and the stars are out tonight! Christian Wright and Alix Maria Spezia will take on The Christ Air Express, the six man title won't be defended by The Love Generation tonight, I don't know why any ever thought they would be, crazy people, we'll have highlights of a confrontation between The Rockers and The Gunslingers from Syndicated, and I understand Zack Malibu and Bohemoth will be guests on Reel Talk. But right now, let's go to the main stage where Jesse Ventura and Tony Schiavone are waiting to announce the brackets for the 2008 Anderson Cup! Over at the Big Board setup near the stage are two familiar faces, the hosts of OAOAST Syndicated (check time and local listings)… As to not reveal the brackets prior to the official announcement being made, the board displays the Anderson Cup logo -- a gold figurine of Arn Anderson performing his trademark throat slash. SCHIAVONE Hi again, everyone. Tony Schiavone and Jesse “The Body” Ventura here with you on this special occasion as we prepare to release the 2008 Anderson Cup brackets. Before we do that, why don’t you quickly go over the rules, Jesse. VENTURA Oh, right. As it has been the past two years, 16 teams will compete in a single elimination tournament for bragging rights and a shot at the One & Only World tag team titles at AngleMania VI. It’s WIN or GO HOME! But victory don’t mean championship gold. Two of the previous three Anderson Cup winners have gone down to defeat at the biggest show of the year, both times at the hands of Chicks Over Dicks. Luckily for all the teams this year, Schiavone, COD is no more! SCHIAVONE You’re exactly right. Alix Maria Spezia now dating Mackenzie DeCenzo. VENTURA Talk about a power couple. Bill and Hillary ain’t got nothing on them. SCHIAVONE But we have something for you, the 2008 Anderson Cup bracket! CUE: Trumpet Fanfare BOOM~! BOOM~! BOOM~! BOOM~! LOS INFERNALES CONFERENCE Los Diablos de Fuego (1) vs. Nathaniel Black & Jamie O‘Hara (8) Beverly Hills Blonds (4) v. Christ Air Express (5) Team Heyross (3) vs. Deuce Deuce Bigelow & Jumbo (6) LSGS/Heavenly Rockers (2) vs. South Central Militia (7) MIRACLE WEIRDNESS CONNCECTION CONFERENCE Theodore Moneymaker & Christian Wright (1) vs. Rescue 911 (8) D*LUX (4) v. James Blonde & Faqu (5) Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew (3) v. Love Doctors (6) ?? (2) v. Los Conquistadors (7) SCHIAVONE Some very interesting match-ups Jess. VENTURA I’d say. The top seeds in each conference are no surprise as they were last year's finalists. What is a surprise is the pairing of Nathaniel Black and Jamie O‘Hara, if you can believe that. Both 2-7 bouts are intriguing for that matter. You have a mystery team in the MWC two hole, and then you got the loser of the Heavenly Rockers-Lone Star Gunslingers tag title match at the New Year’s Spectacular booked in the LI Conference. I gotta hand it to the Anderson Cup committee; they put together one helluva tournament. SCHIAVONE Aren’t you part of that committee, Jesse? VENTURA I don’t mean to brag…but yeah! My first year, along with Tony Brannigan and a couple of the old-timers in the back. Come on, Schiavone. Tell me. What do you find most intriguing about this year’s cup? SCHIAVONE A lot to be quite honest. Two teams I’d look out for are the Christ Air Express and Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew. Both have held championships in other promotions, with Marv and Mel being former OAOAST tag titleholders as well. But I’d -- as I’m sure everyone here and at home would as well -- love to know who's the mystery team facing Los Conquistadors in the MWC. VENTURA Take my word for it. You’re going to love it. Just to whet your appetite a bit: it’s a team no one thought they’d see again. SCHIAVONE You’re such a tease. Anyway, fans, I have been informed of the first two matches that will take place right here next week on TSM. For the LIC it’ll be the Beverly Hills Blonds against the Christ Air Express and for the MWC, Los Conquistadors vs. the team Jesse Ventura says we thought we’d never see again. Until then, that’ll do it for us. HeldDOWN~! returns after this timeout. New Year's Spectacular FIRST ROUND ANDERSON CUP ACTION Beverly Hills Blonds vs. Christ Air Express & ?? vs. Los Conquistadors THURSDAY NIGHT, JANUARY 3rd, LIVE ONLY ON TSM!

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The Look Of Love is in Krista's eyes But will ten of the wildest women on television erase it? January 3rd 2008 The Look of Love Debuts (unless Patty's still too lazy) We return to HeldDOWN~! to, strangely, find Landon Maddix and Megan Skye in the ring. Strangely mainly because Landon is in a WHEELCHAIR and wearing a NECKBRACE. (Hey, it beats explaining how they got him into the ring in the chair, huh?) Typically he recieves no sympathy from the Pheonix crowd, even as he grimaces in pain. Holding up a microphone, Megan taps the end to a- make sure it's on and b- get everyone to quiet down. At least she gets one of those, before she hands the mic to Landon. MADDIX First of all, I'd like... (stops and favours neck)... first of all, I'd like to wish you all a belated, but nonetheless Happy, Cucarachamas. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" MADDIX And, of course, a Happy Cucarannukah for some of our foreign viewers. Landon is again forced to stop because of his bad neck. Megan wraps an encouraging arm gently around him, motioning for the fans to stop booing and show some compassion. COLE Did he just say Cucarannukah? COACH I don't know. Let's rewind... oh, wait, we're live, shut up. MADDIX As you can see, I'm not at my best here tonight. Unfortunately, two weeks ago I suffered a neck injury that would have commited a normal man to a wheelchair for life. Luckily for me, I am no mere normal man... thus, this wheelchair is not for life, just for Christmas. That doesn't mean I am any the less in pain however. Having suffered through a miserable Christmas period, unable to enjoy the simple pleasures of a tobaggon ride, a snowball fight, the building of a snow replica of myself... partly because of the lack of snow around my villa in Madrid, but mainly because of my CRIPPLING neck pain... I come back tonight in a pretty bad mood. Some of the crowd pick this moment as the perfect moment to heckle Landon. MADDIX You people really know how to kick a man when he's down, huh? "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" "YOU SUCK!" MADDIX MOVING ON! Tonight, I'm here for one reason. It's not to wrestle as you can probably guess. Instead, I'm out here to try and help out each and every member of the OAOAST roster... lord knows there's enough of them. Tonight, I'm demanding that something finally be done about Todd Cortez! The crowd cheer Cortez's name, perhaps not realising it might seem like they're agreeing with Landon. MADDIX The Riot Act Plus has already taken too many victims. Me. That's one too many! Which is why I think it's about time our President, Commissioner, Director Of Authority, General Manager, whatever the hell AngleSault is, did the decent and sensible thing and banned the Riot Act Plus, before more innoce... .:CUE: "Oh No", Mos Def, Nate Dogg, and Pharoah Monche:. COACH Oh no. Landon's eyes bulge as out marches Todd Cortez, presumably to disagree strongly with his opinion. Pleading with Megan to wheel him out of the ring Landon watches in fear as Cortez slides into the ring, stalking right towards him. Landon frantically starts to try and wheel himself backwards, which gets him into a corner at least. For all the good that'll do. COACH The handicapped groups of America are sure gonna let us hear about this! COLE Handicapped? Maybe mentally, I'm sure if Landon were in need of a wheelchair we'd have heard about it before now. MADDIX N-n-now Todd, let's... let's not be hasty... I mean, I'm willing to, uh, debate the pros and cons of this, uh... Suddenly, as Cortez starts to near Landon, Megan springs into life and jumps onto Cortez's back! The former SWF Women's Champion, for whatever that's worth, tries to put some sort of choke on The Urban Legend, earning her a quick beil off the back and hard onto her ass in the middle of the ring. Landon cheers his manageress on, despite the fact she's clearly in trouble. COLE Megan might want to get out of here. Fast. No such luck, as Cortez grabs her by the hair... and pulls her into a standing headscissors! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAA..." COLE Oh no... Todd, don't do this! Before Todd can even think about setting up Megan for the RAP, Landon Maddix MIRACULOUSLY SPRINGS OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR!! Reaching into the spokes of the right wheel, he pulls out a lead pipe... ...uh, wait a second... he pulls out a pi... ...wait for it... THERE WE GO! He eventually pulls out a pipe, turning around and swinging for Cortez's head... ...trouble is, Cortez has thrown Megan aside at least three seconds ago and been watching Landon struggle to pull the weapon from his chair. Ducking the wild swing, Cortez boots Maddix in the gut. The pipe flies off out of the ring as Cortez pulls Landon into a standing headscissors. And as he flails around trying in vain to prevent it, Landon is pulled up into the air by the tumbling Urban Legend... COACH NO!! HE'S WEARING A NECKBRAAAAAAAAAACE... *WHAM!* ...AND SPIKED ON HIS HEAD WITH THE RIOT ACT PLUS~!!! "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Happy Cucarannukah, Landon Maddix!! His job for the night done, Cortez casually rolls out of the ring as the shocked Megan Skye watches on. Crawling across the ring she tries to revive Landon, while Cortez stolls back off to the back. COACH This is horrible. So horrible. COLE As plans go, that was a pretty lame effort, I have to say. No offence. COACH Well Landon's gotta do something! Apparantly nobody else cares about the damage the Riot Act Plus is doing! COLE That's because almost nobody else is getting hit with it! It's just Landon, week after week after week. COACH Yeah, rub it in! Can we not get some EMTs out here or something, I mean come on! COLE Well, while we await for EMT Tim Cash to aid Landon, let's head to commercial break. When we return set your VCR'S because it will be time for our mainevent! COMMERCIAL

We see goth-prep Maggie Nerdly, in a black polo shirt and ruffled black mini skull patterned skirt, stationed in the expertly decorated Action Zone, which features a wealth of flat screen television monitors, each displaying various moments in oaoast history. On the walls hang glittering replicas of the numerous oaoast titles both past and present, along with gorgeous pictures of those superstars that don't look like they've spent the previous night face down in a ditch. MAGGIE What's up ya'll! Maggie Nerdly, it girl on the scene, keepin it gangsta at the ActionZone. I know ya'll are gonna be hopping onto OAOAST.com after the show is over for the last AfterParty of the year, and you better because we got one kick ass New Year's edition for ya. Alix tells us how to spend the New Year's in the city of angels, Zack let's us know how to keep it crackin in New England, and Christopher Patrick Allen tells us about the time he had to tangle with Ike Turner in a bar in St.Louis on NYE. You better be there! We move from Maggie to much uglier sight of Michael Cole, COLE Switching gears now, ladies and gentlemen. This past weekend on OAOAST Syndicated a confrontation took place between the two teams who will meet LIVE next Thursday night at the New Year’s Spectacular for the tag titles on the premiere of Abdullah Nerdly’s House of Worship. You heard me right. Colonel Abdullah is now the host of his very own syndicated talk show. In case you missed you, let’s revisit the incident that got the Heavenly Rockers and Lone Star Gunslingers barred from the arena tonight. Courtesy: OAOAST Syndicated We zoom in from a wide shot somewhere up in the cheap seats to a platform located off to the side of the entranceway as a mellow ARABIC CHANT plays in the background. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Xenophobia or simply distain for the guiding light of the Heavenly Rockers, COLONEL ABDULLAH? You decide as the black sheep of the Nerdly family, dressed as though he stole Morgan Freeman’s wardrobe from Bruce Almighty, walks to the podium. SCHIAVONE What is this? VENTURA It's the Colonel. SCHIAVONE I can see that. But what business does he have out here? Abdullah stands before a cloudy backdrop now surrounded by a bevy of beauties and with a microphone that would make Bob Barker proud in his possession. VENTURA Not quite 72 virgins, but you won’t hear any complaints from the Colonel-- or me! The chanting plays at a subdued level throughout the “service”. ABDULLAH Greetings, infidels, and welcome to the grand opening of my House of Worship! Ever since Brothers Simon and Ned left for the riches of pay television, this portion of the show has been without…a guiding light. “BOO!” ABDULLAH Under the hot television lights the Colonel begins to perspire. With the snap of his fingers one of the beauties pats his forehead dry with a cloth. SCHIAVONE Give me a break! This guy is so full of himself, Jesse. Look at that hideous smile on his face. VENTURA The service ain’t even over and Abdullah’s already delivered a powerful message! ABDULLAH For the past few weeks a search has been going on to find a new host. A host that cannot be swayed by the color of a person’s skin. A host that would allow its viewers to think for themselves. A host loved the world over. SCHIAVONE Then what’s he doing up there? ABDULLAH As fate would have it, the man conducting the search was a close friend of the family -- my REAL family, not the Nerdly clan -- and the executive producer of this segment, Brother Theodore Moneymaker. “BOOOOOOOOOOO!” ABDULLAH Suffice to say, Brother Theodore was blown away by my message of hope and prosperity. A message I wish to spread to all the lost souls of the world, such as those in this arena and watching at home. So without any further ado, let’s begin, shall we? The lights dim and a spotlight falls on Abdullah. ABDULLAH Let’s begin by talking about sex. No, no, no. Love. As you know by now, the hottest story in entertainment is not the writers’ strike, but the revelation Britney Spears’ snot-nosed kid sister is pregnant. To quote a Nerdly family proverb, “One can always find a positive in what is usually deemed a negative.” For Papa Nerdly it was the federal aid he received from fathering countless children. For Sister Jamie Lynn, it’s quite evident to me her hope is to be the mother she never had. A mother that will love and nurture instead of trying to make a quick buck. So rather than condemn young Jamie Lynn, we ought to commend her for bringing love into the world. A lot like the love my guests this week spread through music, and who on January 3rd at the New Year’s Spectacular will play one of their greatest hits for the Lone Star Gunslingers. Brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews and mothers and fathers, I present to you the greatest rock ‘n‘ wrestling band of ALL-time, accompanied by Holly-Wood, the One & Only World tag team champions… THE HEAVENLY ROCKERS!!! HEY WAIT I GOT A NEW COMPLAINT! The Heavenly Rockers emerge to a chorus of boos. Their attire is worthy of the jeers alone as Lolly (Logan and wife Holly) sport matching leopard skin jumpsuits, while Synth rocks an un-PC shirt that reads “My Brother Was A Suicide Bomber And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”. SCHIAVONE Playing favorites I see. VENTURA Hey, the Heavenly Rockers aren't no slouches. They're the One & Only tag team champions of the world. Synth mentally undresses the beauties as Lolly take center stage with Abdullah. ABDULLAH Brothers Synth and Logan and Sister Holly, welcome to my House of Worship. LOGAN Anything for a friend. But I gotta say, it’s weird being in a House of Worship considering sins past, present and future! SYNTH HOLLY ABDULLAH LOGAN Perfect example: our date with your wicked half-sister’s Lone Star Gunslingers, January 3rd at New Year’s Spectacular. The night acts of violence unimaginable to the human mind will materialize. ABDULLAH Brother Logan, it was only this past spring you uttered such a statement and we have since to see the poor souls who dare stood in your path again. LOGAN It’s the same fate Jock Mulligan and Baron Windels will meet at the New Year’s Spectacular. You, Gunslingers, will realize the Heavenly Rockers just aren’t the greatest rock ‘n’ wrestling band of all-time…but the greatest tag team to ever set foot in a wrestling ring sayeth Logan Usher Mann! ABDULLAH Now, Brother Synth, there’s a rumor going around…started no doubt by Melody Nerdly, the biggest gossipers this side of the National Enquirer…that despite the fact the same stipulation was in place for last year’s tag title match at the New Year’s Spectacular, where the loser was automatically entered in the Anderson Cup, you guys fought hard for it to be included. Do you care to dispel this rumor, Brother Synth? SYNTH Why yes Ah certainly do. Lies. ALL LIES! The Heavenly Rockers ain’t scared of no one or anything. If the Gunslingers were here right now, we’d punk their asses out again. “YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” SCHIAVONE Well they’re going to get their chance. VENTURA Aw, come on. Just because you don’t believe what’s being said doesn’t mean you can storm the place. The crowd erupts as MELODY NERDLY and the LONE STAR GUNSLINGERS head to the set. Melody attired more conservatively for the syndicated program, hiding her navel. The Gunslingers on the other hand have come dressed to fight, fists taped and all. ABDULLAH Oh, yes, the gossip according to Synth. Truer words have never been… (notices company) … spoken. Now hold on just a second, Brothers Jock and Baron and Sister Melody. This is a House of Worship. I will not tolerate any violence on this holy ground. BARON Shut up! MELODY “YEAH!” ABDULLAH BARON We’ve been sitting in the back minding our own business, but enough is enough. You wanna talk about lies? Everything that just came out of your mouths were lies. But let the TRUTH set you free! You hear that clock ticking in your heads. Like a doctor telling his patient he or she only has so long to live, you know the music’s going to die January 3rd at the New Year’s Spectacular. We have the momentum and most importantly the support of each and every one of these people here and at home! “YEAH!” LOGAN You talk real big for a couple of guys who haven’t won a damn thing in their lives. Luckily for you the Heavenly Rockers are in the holiday spirit, so I suggest you ride off into the sunset before somebody gets hurt. JOCK Talk is cheap. I’ll give you that, partner. So why don’t we let our actions speak louder than words? MELODY Yeah! Why wait for the New Year’s Spectacular when we can end 2007 with one right now! “YEAH!” Jock and Baron head off to the ring and are promptly jumped from behind. SCHIAVONE Oh, no, Jesse! The Lone Star Gunslingers turned their backs on the Heavenly Rockers… VENTURA And they’re paying for it now, aren‘t they? Serves those Gunslingers right. They pulled that tough guy act on the Heavenly Rockers and got punk’d, just like Synth said they would. Ha! I love it. Restrained by Colonel Abdullah, Melody STOMPS his foot and then SLAPS him in the face to break free… “YEAH!” …only to be quickly wrapped up by Holly-Wood and forced to watch the beat down on her team. “BOO!” SCHIAVONE Somebody needs to put a stop to this! Logan pummels Baron with a light stand as OAOAST officials storm out from the back. As they’re ushered backstage, Logan gets in a parting shot, SPITTING on both Gunslingers! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” We cut back to Michael Cole and The Coach live at Sofa Central. COLE That only adds fuel to the fire, Coach. COACH A fire the Heavenly Rockers will extinguish at the New Year’s Spectacular. COLE We’ll all find out south of the border, next Thursday night, January 3rd live on TSM. Right now, we're heading to commercial. But we still have our mainevent to come later in the evening. Don't miss it! COMMERCIAL

OAOAST HeldDOWN is brought to you by.... Krista Isadora Duncan presents Briel Milano Watches-touch feel briel As we return to HeldDOWN~! at the Holidays, the red carpet has been rolled out reading for the arrival of the OAOAST's true box-office superstars. Leading the way is Molly Nerdly, the hired intern more concerned with making sure she gets the right shots of the right people than playing to the thousands of people in attendance. Lucky then that Ned Blanchard and Simon Singleton do more than enough showboating to make up for anyone in the OAOAST. The Beverly Hills Blonds tread the red carpet, not looking phased by the task that awaits them. "Call me (call me) on the line Call me, call me any, anytime CALL ME! (call me)"] BUFFER The following tag team contest is set for one fall! Introducing first, on the way to the ring. Being accompanied by by MOLLY NERDLY... at a total combined weight of four hundred and sixty pounds. They are the former three time OAOAST World Tag Team Champions and the former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions. Representing THE ENTERPRISE... "THE HANDSOME HUSTLER" NED BLANCHARD... "THE VIDEO VOYEUR" SIMON SINGLETON... THE BEVEEEERRRRLLLYYY HHHIIIIIILLLSSS BLLLLOOOOOOOONDSSSSS!!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Molly sets up the Siclopse at ringside, with Simon overseeing his unpaid intern's efforts. Ned is too enfactuated with a couple of females three rows back to care about being in the ring alone though. COLE The Beverly Hills Blonds brought this match on themselves, by as we saw earlier trying to goad Zack Malibu and Bohemoth into a confrontation on their latest taping of Reel Talk. If they'd pulled it off it would have been a 'reel' talking point. But, instead, they get a tag match with two World Title contenders. Simon finally enters the ring, ignoring Ned's attempts to point the two hotties in the crowd out to him and trying to get him focused on the actual match ahead. COLE Not ideal preparation this for The Beverly Hills Blonds, as they begin their 2008 Anderson Cup campaign next week against The Christ Air Express at the New Year's Spectacular. Can't wait to get down to Monterrey, Mexico for that show! COACH Oh, yeah. I love taking my own bottled water with me on road trips for fear of contamination. COLE Coach! .....we're going on a plane. COACH Oh right, right. Sorry. *BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!* "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" As "Liberate" by Disturbed powers through the PA system, Pheonix somehow gets even HOTTER for the entrance of the coolest man in Arizona, The Meterosexual Monster, Bohemoth! Adjusting the orange-tinted sunglasses, Bohemoth marches to the ring, not waiting around at ringside for any partners. BUFFER And the opponents. First, hailing from Greenville, South Carolina... he weighs in at two hundred and eighty four pounds... "THE METEROSEXUAL MONSTER"... BBOOOOOOOOOOOO - HHHHEEEEEEEEMMMMMMOOOOOOOOTTHHHHHHHHHH!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Bo slides into the ring and referee Mike Chioda is quick to warn The Beverly Hills Blonds not to try anything stupid. So too is Bohemoth with an angry glare in their direction. No sooner has Bo's music died down than it's replaced by "Getting Away With Murder", a similiarly loud cheer going up around the arena for that also. BUFFER And... weighing two hundred, ten pounds! From Providence, Rhode Island... the former three-time OAOAST Heavyweight Champion of the World... "THE FRANCHISE", ladies and gentlemen, this is ZZAAAAAAAACCKK... MMMMMMAAAAAAALLLLLLLLIIIIIIIBBUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! "YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Stepping through the golden shower (of pyro), Zack pulls the hood down from his entrance attire and fires up the crowd, as if they needed it. Zack then marches to the ring with a similar purpose to his partner, who calmly goes through his warm-ups in his corner. COLE Ned and Simon will be banking, I'm sure, on these two men not being able to get along. Zack and Bohemoth's challenge may not be a direct challenge to one another, it may be friendly competition, but it does seem to be creating some tension as you'd expect from two proud athletes such as they. COACH It's not about being proud athletes Michael. It's like when two guys at a bar make a bet over who can pick up a girl first. At first, everything's nice and friendly. But it's all based on ego. And you know those two egos, especially ones as big as Malibu and Bohemoth's, are going to get poked and prodded, until sooner or later it begins to get personal. All these hand-shakes and compliments are only going to last for so long, before somebody's ego gets knocked too far out of line and they do something about it. That's the entertaining part... you KNOW it's going to happen, you just don't know when! Playing it cool, Ned and Simon talk strategy in the corner while Zack and Bo try to decide who's going to start. Easier said than done maybe. Eventually Zack decides to be the bigger man and allows Bohemoth to start, which prompts Simon to give his partner the signal with a pat on the back. Ned suddenly wheels around and sprints forward looking for the cheapshot... ...and SLAMMING on the brakes when he realises just who he's running into! COLE Uh-oh! Ned making a quick re-think here. Ned glares at Simon, who has wasted no time taking up position on the apron, for selling him out before trying to reason with Bo. "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" BLANCHARD So... uh... see, here's what I think happened... Clothesline by Bo! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds, but it looks like Ned has had enough before he's even gotten started, rolling to his knees and begging off from The Meterosexual Monster. Bo picks him up by the EARS and shoves back into a neutral corner, ramming him in the gut with a shoulder. And again. And once more for good measure. Irish whip sends Ned corner to corner, hard enough for him to be bounced right back out into a Gorilla Press! Even seven feet in the air Ned tries to reason with the bigman, buying enough time for Singleton to come into the ring to help out. Zack is wise to that though and intercepts him with a clothesline. Out of the ring rolls Simon. But if he thinks he's escaped the worst of the situation, he's in for a hell of a shock as Ned comes soaring over the top and lands on him with a thud at ringside! COLE Oh my, Ned Blanchard thrown all the way over the top and onto his partner! The Beverly Hills Blonds are not getting off to an auspicious start... Brushing aside his partner, Zack grips onto the top rope and pulls himself all the way over with a SOMERSAULT PESCADO, wiping out the Blonds! "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" COLE ...and it didn't improve any there, either! "ZACK!" "ZACK!" "ZACK!" "ZACK!" Bohemoth watches on with hands on hips as he waits for Zack to feed him somebody. Zack first deals with the hands being held out over the guardrail by his adoring fans, which wastes too much time for Bohemoth's liking. The bigman leaves the ring and throws Ned back inside leading to an 'exchange of words' between himself and his preppy partner. COACH Here we go! This is what the people want to see Michael, I just hope TSM's got enough juice to cope with the ratings spike! COLE Not on their show, but Ned and Simon may get what they wanted after all. With the air apparantly cleared, Zack and Bo go their seperate ways with Bo heading back into the ring. The moment he ducks his head through the ropes though he finds a knee driven into the temple by the resourceful Ned Blanchard! Bo collapses into the ring, Ned right on him with some frenzied stomps before reaching out and tagging Simon Singleton in. The Video Voyeur picks up right where his partner left off, before springing off the bottom rope with a kneedrop. COLE The first little lapse in concentration by Bohemoth and The Blonds, the former 3-time OAOAST World Tag Team Champions, are right on top of him. Singleton drops a second knee on Bohemoth before positioning his throat across the bottom rope, stepping on his neck as he mugs to camera three, aka. his own Siclopse. "ONE!" "TWO!" "THREE!" "FOUR!" "FI..." Jumping off of Bohemoth, Simon takes referee Mike Chioda aside and tries to explain to him the importance of figure allignment in the world of photography and how that process takes more than the five seconds he was allowed. Chioda, perhaps keen on taking up a new hobby, takes all of this in while Bohemoth's throat is now draped across the middle rope by Ned Blanchard!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE And there's a good reason why Ned and Simon are three-time Tag Champions, their flagrant disregard for the rules! Seeing enough, Zack jumps from the apron and rounds the ring to help out his partner. Referee Chioda manages to spot that though, jumping out of the ring to cut the aghast Franchise off. Back in the ring, this allows The Beverly Hills Blonds to do even more damage. Ned keeps Bo pinned throat-down over the ring rope while Simon heads to the middle rope. Right on cue, Molly throws the trusty BHB clapboard to her personal B.O.S.S, an adept catch from Simon followed by him coming off the ropes, bringing the clapboard down on the lower back of Bohemoth!! COACH Aaaaaaand... CUT! COLE This is ridiculous. What kind of people bring a clapboard to the ring with them anyway!? COACH People who like hitting other people with clapboards. COLE Evidently. Simon ditches the evidence and forces Bo down into a pin, while Chioda finally gets Zack back to his corner... 1... Bo powers out! Rolling Bohemoth over onto his front, Singleton singles out the small of the back with stomps and then the point of his elbow. Bo climbs to his feet but the kicks keep coming, Bo finding himself backed into the Beverly Hills district of the ring and sneakily trapped by a handful of the tights on the outside by Ned. More kicks from Singleton wear down Bohemoth to the point that Ned can safely tag in, stinging Bo with a hard uppercut as he steps through the ropes. COLE Chioda warning Ned to open the fist up but that's like telling a drunk carjacking hit-and-run driver not to litter. Once he's shaken off the effects of the right hand, it looks like the shot has woken Bohemoth up. And The Hansome Hustler suddenly regrets tagging in, as he tags Bo... *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...with a knifedge chop! *SLAP!* "WHOOOOOOOO!" ...and another one! Bohemoth is still standing though and getting progressively angrier, so Ned changes tact. A quick ankle pick puts the 284 pounder off balance and allows Blanchard to sweep the standing leg from underneath him. As Bo tries to roll away, Ned pins him on his front and quickly peels off his right elbowpad, digging the point of the exposed elbow into Bo's spine! COLE That must be excruciating! Hearing Bo's shouts of pain Zack steps in and shoves Blanchard off of his partner, before being sent back to his corner. Ned waves him on his way, then reaches down and applies a Boston Crab. COLE Coming into this match, I doubt many people expected The Blonds to be picking Bohemoth to try and isolate from his corner, but they've been doing a pretty good job so far. Albeit with some shortcuts along the way. COACH Shortcuts Shmortcuts! You forget, Ned and Simon have a crucial advantage over Bohemoth. They've got inside knowledge. COLE Of course, I've got no doubts they've been in Christian Wright's ear ever since that confrontation on Reel Talk happened. Ned sits down on the Crab, but just isn't powerful enough to keep Bohemoth pinned down. And after a brief struggle, Bo is able to reach out and grab the bottom rope to break the hold. Blanchard typically milks the count a few seconds before breaking, then tags in Simon Singleton again. The Video Voyeur quickly kneels down on Bohemoth's back and 'rolls cameras' in the direction of Zack, drawing him into the ring. Chioda does his job and keeps Zack at bay, distracting him from another aspect of his job... "OOOHHHHHHHHH!" ...preventing lowblows, Singleton dropping a leg across the nether regions! COACH Looks like this feature might have to get an PG-13 rating. Not that movie or TV guidance ratings really matter. But, authenticity. Simon drags Bohemoth into position and climbs to the middle rope. Finally Chioda is undetained again, in time to see Singleton come off the second rope with a kneedrop to the lower back, before turning Bo over and covering... 1... 2... NO! "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" With some difficulty Singleton gets Bohemoth back to his feet, then just dumps him on the ropes. Tag is made and Ned steps in, trying to pick Bo up with his throat across the top rope. He has to settle for a sort of wheelbarrow lift to get the legs off the canvas, in time for Simon to leapfrog him and drive his weight into the small of Bo's back! Ned then follows up with a Russian Legsweep, making the cover... 1... 2... Kickout! Hauling Bo back up, Ned sends him into the ropes with an irish whip. That all becomes wasting effort the moment he ducks his head however, Bohemoth coming to a stop just short and CLUBBING Ned between the shoulder blades! "YYEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!" As Ned arches upright, Bohemoth backs into the ropes once more... ...but this time, he meets a knee from the outside from Singleton! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Simon turns out to the crowd and again 'rolls cameras', Molly capturing the taunt in a dramatic up-angle on the Siclopse. Behind him, Ned now charges at Bohemoth. With a duck of the head Bo manages to backdrop Blanchard however, sending him over the top... ...and although Ned lands on the apron, his trailing foot catches Simon in the back and knocks him to the floor! COLE Down goes Singleton! COACH Oh my god, oh my god... is the camera okay!? Luckily, it seems to be, as does Molly (thanks for caring, Coach!) as she gets out of harm's way just in time. Meanwhile Ned manages to drive a knee in through the ropes to catch Bohemoth and sets him up for a suplex to the floor. No way that's happening though. Ned has to wait for Simon to climb back up and help him, The Blonds now positioning Bo for a double suplex up and out of the ring. Even combined they struggle to get Bohemoth up though and Zack sees his chance, running down the apron and scaling the turnbuckles on the far side. The Franchise then sacrifices his body as he dives out to the arena floor, managing to catch Singleton with an axehandle on the way down! Both Zack and Simon hit the floor with a splat, leaving Ned to be suplexed back inside by Bohemoth! "YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" COLE Big move for Bohemoth to turn the tide! But, right now he's got nobody to tag out to! COACH Yeah, thanks to Zack playing the hero and trying to one-up his own partner. COLE I really don't think that's what happened. Bohemoth rolls over and looks to his corner, to find just turnbuckles. No Zack, no nothing. So he does the same as Blanchard and drags himself back to his feet to continue the fight himself. Ned is up first and strikes first with a right hand. Bo comes right back with one of his own though, staggering Ned back three or four steps. Back comes Ned with a right... and Bohemoth rocks him again. Irish whip by Bo this time, catching Blanchard on the rebound with a BIG Powerslam!! 1... 2... NO!! With Zack now limping back to his corner, Bohemoth knocks down Ned with a clothesline. And a second. And, once Ned finally makes his feet for the third time with hands begging for mercy, a third clothesline! The Handsome Hustler is reeling and Bohemoth ignores Zack as he re-grabs the tag rope and offers the belated tag... Thumbs Up. THUMBS DOWN~! *slap!* COLE Blind tag? COACH Oh boy oh boy! How how does the Neilsen Scale go, anyway? Tagging himself in, Zack steps in to be confronted by an unhappy Meterosexual Monster. As the clear difference of opinions rages, Ned manages to get across to his corner and tag out to Simon Singleton who creeps into the ring. Bohemoth and Zack continue to debate between themselves... ...allowing Singleton to creep over and schoolboy Zack... 1... 2... KICK BY BO TO BREAK THE COUNT!! COLE Oh, I wasn't sure he was going to save him for a second! Apparantly not concerned by the fact he just got kicked in the ear by him, Singleton quickly scoops up Zack and holds him in place, offering Bohemoth a free shot at his partner! Simon urges Bo to "go ahead". But, Bohemoth just looks at him like he's crazy and goes to leave... at which point Simon shoves Zack into Bo! Bo shoves Zack right back at Simon, who again traps him and gives Bohemoth the option again now that Zack has "attacked him first". Still no dice however, as Zack performs a standing switch and grabs a waistlock... *SMACK!* ...Big Boot by Bo... ...into a Release German by Zack, DROPPING SINGLETON ON HIS HEAD!! "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" COLE Bohemoth did NOT take the bait and instead Simon took the ride with the UGLY landing!! Seeing his partner getting decimated spurs Ned into the action. Balling up his fists he runs at Zack with a wild double axehandle, which Zack is easily able to duck and spin into a waistlock. ZACK One more? BOHEMOTH Sure, why not? *SMACK!* ...Big Boot by Bo... ...into a German by Zack, this time with no release! Zack hangs on and rolls through with The Handsome Hustler, bringing him to his feet for a second rolling German! Clinging onto the waistlock, Zack brings Ned up one more time. He doesn't go up for another suplex though, instead jarred across the knee with an atomic drop, setting him up in the path of the charging Bohemoth... ...AND A MURDERLINE!!! "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh he took his head off! COACH He did not, quit exaggerating! Ned's fine! Look at him! Cut to a close up of Ned, right leg twitching. COACH That'a boy Ned, keep on dancing you crazy cat you! COLE I've got a feeling the end may be near. As Molly becomes the lone voice wondering what happened to the referee's five count to get one in and one out of the ring, Zack and Bo turn to each other and try to figure out who's going to finish the match off. Apparantly neither wants to give up that privilege, Bohemoth picking Simon slowly up while Zack crouches and keeps one eye on the awaking Ned. Still with half an eye on each other, Zack watches Ned up while Bo scoops Simon off the mat with a double leg. *WHAM!* FRONT SPINEBUSTER by Bohemoth... *SMACK!* "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" ...AND SCHOOL'S OUT by Zack!! Both Ned and Simon are out. Double cover... 1... 2... 3!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" BUFFER Here are your winners... the team of BOHEMOTH and "THE FRANCHISE"... ZACK MMAAAALLLIBU!! Molly sadly turns the Siclopse off as Zack and Bohemoth stand up from their pinfalls and turn to each other. Not nearly as heated as before, the two seem to have gotten over their misunderstanding enough to exchange a wry smile with each other from across the ring as they stand over the motionless Beverly Hills Blonds. COACH Well, in the end, Zack and Bo were able to stay on the same page and pick up the win here tonight. But although The Beverly Hills Blonds won't get the blow-up they were hoping for, the seeds of doubt have been planted. Tension definately seemed to rise at times in this match. How long can these two stay on the same page in co-pursuit of the World Heavyweight Championship? COLE With people like you and The Blonds pushing the buttons, I'm not so sure. COACH And it'll be every man for himself January 27th, at AnglePalooza, in the Lethal Rumble. Sooner or later Michael... sooner or later. COLE That remains to be seen. For now, an impressive win by the makeshift team of Zack Malibu and Bohemoth, a bad start to Anderson Cup season for The Beverly Hills Blonds. With another exchange of looks, Bohemoth leaves Zack to soak up the adulation of the victory, happy with just another in the 'W' column. Zack watches him leave before he so much as climbs the first turnbuckle. COMING UP NEXT THE HOLY WORD FROM A HOLY MAN. Colonel Abdullah Abir Speaks NEXT

The OAOAST Event Tracker Is Brought to By Gillette-The Best A Man Can Get January 3, 2008 (New Year's Spectacular) - Monterrey, Mexico (SOLD OUT) January 10, 2008 - San Antonio, TX (SOLD OUT) January 17, 2008 - Halifax, Nova Scotia January 24, 2008 - Calgary, Alberta(SOLD OUT) January 27, 2008 (AnglePalooza) - Atlanta, GA (SOLD OUT) Call me (call me) on the line Call me, call me any, anytime The Enterprise presents... In association with the OAOAST and TSM REEL TALK Executive Producer Theodore Moneymaker Produced By Simon Singleton Casting Couch Ned Blanchard Security CPA Directed By Molly Nerdly MOLLY (Voice-Over) Reel Talk is filmed before a live studio audience. "BOOOOOOOOO *cannedapplause* OOOOOOOOOOO!" As the curtain rises on another episode of Reel Talk, we are on the set of Reel Talk! Intros aren't really my thing at the best of times. I'm sorry. Ned and Simon pick up their drinks from the bar, Ned slipping a sneaky tip into the barmaid's top and flashing her a wink as the hosts head towards the VIP Lounge of the set. High above, the LED screen with the total number of women Ned has slept with in his quest to break Wilt Chamberlain‘s record reads: CHASING CHAMBERLAIN 1,883 happy -- and very sore -- bitches! SINGLETON Welcome once again to the home of real talk, the... wait, is that right? Only fourty one in three weeks Handsome H, that can't be accurate, can it? BLANCHARD What can I say, the Christmas season... stuck at home, with too many close family friends and relatives. SINGLETON Some of the close friends must have been women, surely? BLANCHARD Yeah, but they only count once, no matter how many times they sample the yule log. I'm not one for fabricating figures. I don't need to. It's New Year's next week and The Handsome Hustler's going to be going south of the border... over and over and OVER again! ARRRRRRRRRRIBA! Think about it, they each have about twenty kids per family down there, it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel. Ned aims his 'rifle' into the distance and mimes taking a shot with a thrust of the hips. SINGLETON Those aren't blanks he's firing either ladies. Anyway, as I was saying, this is Reel Talk. Accept no imitations, this is the premiere in OAOAST talk shows, where we discuss the issues that really matter, FIRST. None of this 'inviting people onto our show the week after they appear on Reel Talk and try to discredit everything they said' crap that other, less scrupulous shows will try and pull. The best guests, the best issues, the best... BLANCHARD Screaming orgasm I've ever had! SINGLETON BLANCHARD (holds up glass) Seriously, this is amazing. Genniveve, a masterpiece. The barmaid blows Ned a kiss. BLANCHARD I'll have to return the favour to you sometime. *winks* SINGLETON We've got not one, but two guests on the show tonight. And we've also got our good, close personal friend Christopher Patrick Allen and his security team on stand-by, incase they get any funny ideas. But, just incase, I want to warn the audience, in particular the first few rows, your health insurance may not cover acts of professional wrestling talk-show and to leave now if you do not have a competent lawyer. Alright, legal obligations taken care of, bring out the first guest... BOHEMOTH!! No need for canned applause as The Meterosexual Monster gets a huge reaction as he strolls out. Attired in a usually crisp suit and wearing his trusty, oh-so stylish orange tinted sunglasses, Bo smiles at the fans as he makes his way out... to be confronted by CPA. The Enterprise's head of security gives Bo a run down of the behaviour he expects him to follow on the show before he's allowed to pass. SINGLETON Bo, Bo, good to have you on. You're looking pretty dapper. Not bad at all, really. Simon straightens out his own suit jacket. BOHEMOTH Well you know, I like to look my best, even when I'm on som... BLANCHARD Yeah, yeah, that's whatever you were talking about for ya. Let's go ahead and brings out Zack shall we? ZACK MALIBU, come on out! Bo looks a little annoyed but not entirely surprised at the interruption by the hosts as we're taken over to the entrance again. CPA mouths away into his walkie talkie as out does walk Zack Malibu in a retro Thrillogy t-shirt and faded jeans, opting for the casual look which earns him some derisive looks from The Blonds as he amicably shakes their hands. Zack goes to sit down next to Bo, but The Blonds motion him over to the sofa opposite, so the two are facing one another. SINGLETON Nice of you to dress up for us Zack. And, let's just remind you now you're out here, we don't want any trouble tonight. So, now you're both out here, there's a lot of rumours doing the rounds, in the locker room, about some sort of 'challenge' you two have come up with. Tell us about that Zack. ZACK Well, we... BLANCHARD Sorry, Bo, did you say something? BOHEMOTH No, I... SINGLETON Hey, don't interrupt Zack there big guy. He's a former World Champion, he outranks you... isn't that right Zack? With a wry smile, Zack notices Bo now staring at him. ZACK This 'challenge', as everybody wants to call it, it's all about the World Heavyweight Championship. Whether it's because we've never had the gold before and want to hold it for the first time, or because we've had it before and want that feeling of being on top one more time, me and Bo here both have a common goal. To go back to the top. To be the World Champion. And we both know that only one of us is going to get there first. BLANCHARD Putting you in direct competition, right Bo? BOHEMOTH Well, I dunno about that. SINGLETON But sooner or later, you might have to bust out that Superkick one more time, right Zack? Like at November Reign. BLANCHARD Yeah, how IS your eye doing there big man? Neither Bo or Zack reply this time and as the mood gets tenser, Ned can be seen motioning off screen for CPA to keep his eye on proceedings. SINGLETON Alright guys, I can see this 'friendly competition' is having a little strain on the both of you, so let's skip the starter questions, shall we? Zack, what makes you think you can beat big Bo here to the World Title? What makes you superior to Bo? Don't pull any punches. ZACK Listen Simon, I've never said that I'm any superior to Bo. SINGLETON But... ZACK But nothing. BLANCHARD Very informative. Bo, same question. BOHEMOTH I don't have to talk about how great I am, Blanchard. I just do what I do in the ring. People can draw their own conclusions over who's better. Now it's Zack's turn to stare at Bo. SINGLETON I'm not quite sure what THAT was supposed to mean, but I like your style. Quiet, but confident. Are you as confident Zack? ZACK You don't become three-time World Champion without being confident. As Bo chuckles under his breath, loud enough to be heard by Zack apparently, both Ned and Simon are practically rubbing their hands with glee at how their interview is going. BLANCHARD Uh, anyone who hasn't already, we're going to give you a few seconds to call you friends and tell them to tune in. (pause) Okay, done? Now, Bo, let's come to you. This man right here, he's got a long and storied history in this company. Not all of it quite so 'on the level' as he has appeared to be recently. My question is, how long can you trust him to keep this competition so 'friendly', considering what's on the line. ZACK I think the real question is, how long can we trust you two to conduct a proper interview instead of trying to goad us into a fight? Zack stands up and the hosts exchange a quick look. Apparantly they're not about to back down on their own turf and stand up as well... their confident posture disappearing the moment Bo also finds his feet. BLANCHARD Now, hold on guys... SINGLETON Let's calm it down, we don't want you to come to blows... ZACK No, you want ratings, because ratings mean money and we all know that's what's important to YOU. So how about this? How about me and Bo show you just what this competition between us really means in the grand scheme of things, that being very little, and we show you just how much we can trust each other by taking you on in a tag team match this Thursday night! Let's see what that does to the ratings. After a quick glance in surprise at being put into a match without any say in the matter, Bo takes a step nearer to Zack which prompts the Beverly Hills Blonds to take an abrupt step ba... *STATIC!* COLE ...and, that's what happened. COACH Up until the point The Blonds destroyed Zack and Bohemoth, beat them within an inch of their lives, made them humble and left with all the fine bitches. Shame about the technical difficulties. That would have been great footage. COLE Yeah. Right. COACH Anyway, when the fuck does Deuce Deuce Bigalow get his own talk show? Seriously, what's the freaking hold up? COLE COACH I'm just saying what they're all thinking Michael! You can't fight public outcry forever man! COMING UP NEXT REEL TALK IS OVER. TIME FOR A REAL FIGHT. The Beverly Hills Blonds Vs Zack Malibu and Bohemoth NEXT

The moody guitar strings of Rise Against's Like The Angels seep into the arena, accompanied by flashing blue and orange lights that border the steel entry ramp. Within moments the peaceful strumming explodes into an aggressive alt-rock anthem and the video screens that line the entry stage's walls televisions fire flash highlite after highlite of the Christ Air Express' numerous high flying exploits. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall with a televised time limit of twenty minutes. Now making their way to the ring from Laguna Beach, California by way of Edmonton Alberta, Canada, they weigh in a total combined weight of three hundred, seventy five pounds... here are MARV and MEL, THE CHRIST AIR... EEEEEXXXXPPRRRREEEEESSSSSSS!!!! Heralded by a rather large pop from the Arizona audience, the twins leap through the entrance doors landing perfectly at the center of a bluish orange spotlights. Rock hard abs, and sexy well defined chests remain partially obscured by a pair or fancifully designed blue jackets that stretch down to the waistband of their star studded orange tights. The Nerdly boys exchange a fist pound and a salute before heading down the entry ramp. COLE The Christ Air Express will help open up the 2008 Anderson Cup next week with an opening round contest against The Beverly Hills Blonds. Unfortunately they have a tune up match against the very dangerous, and very volatile Enterprise tag team of Alix Maria Spezia and Christian Wright. Moneymaker says he's done this to unify The Enterprise, but I don't see it. Alix hasn't been pinned since her current girlfriend beat her for the 24/7 title almost two years ago, and Wright is no slouch in the won/loss department himself. All Moneymaker is doing is using the two The Enterprise members with the most success to give The Blonds an easy advantage in the first round. MARV and MEL slide into the ring, getting another loud pop from the sold out audience. They each scale to the turnbuckles, removing their jackets, and running their mouthes to further pump up an already excited audience. Clean shirt, new shoes and I don't know where I am goin' to. Silk suit, black tie, I don't need a reason why-hy-hy-hy. They come runnin' just as fast as they can cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Not only girls but boys go crazy as well for the arrival The Natural. However this craziness isn't brought upon by the Italian Silk suitcoat, matching pin stripped pants, or even the five hundred dollar Salvatore Ferragamo calf skin dress shoes. No, this craziness is induced by the simple fact that people really hate Christian Wright. BUFFER And introducing their opponents, first, now residing in Washington DC, and working as The Enterprise's financial analyst, he weighed in at 8 1/3 bars of gold, he is The Natural, CHRISTIAN WRIGHT!!! Christian pauses at the top of entrance ramp, as three white spotlights converge upon his flawlessly dressed figure. With a smirk of self satisfaction, he pops the collar on his suit coat, a gesture that washes him in a wave of jeers. As his grin grows wider by the second, he casually discards the three thousand dollar suit coat as though it were a piece of cheap fabric, and struts down the ramp with unbelievable arrogance. COLE Can Christian and Alix work together and defeat The Christ Air Express? The answer to the first question is most likely no, but if they manage to stay out of each other's way, then its possible they could be as dysfunctional as any team we've seen and still score a victory. We'll see here tonight. Across the ring apron, a smirking CW struts, his every movement guided by the peppy bounce only spending three thousand dollars on clothes can bring. When he reaches the center of the apron, he holds his arms out to his side, happily taking in every last casting of hatred and ill will the audience offers to him. I was lost And I'm still lost But I feel So much better Cause now I know It's not so far To were I go The hardest part is inside me I need to Just be To just be To just be To just be YEAAAA... BUFFER And his tag team partner, from Los Angeles, California, she is The Enterprise's Head Of Technical Tactics Identifying Excellence aka HOTTIE....The CEO of Miss Spezia's Sweeties, The Hollywood Bad Girl and Princess of Los Angeles, ALIX MARIA SPEZIA! ***Hey, I have an idea instead of me having to write a whole bunch of stuff for this entrance, why don't I just use the power of the visual media to express the entrance. Like so.... if u ask me why i'm such a genius i'm gonna say damn nigga i dont know (just pretend Mackenzie's behind her and that alix danced on a desk before coming down to the ring) COACH I can't believe the brazen disrespect Alix had for Christian Wright. You've got show more respect for one of the best performers in this company. There's no one here more versatile then Christian. He can dominate in tag team ranks and in singles competition. COLE You can just as easily make the same comment about Alix. Anyway, rumor around the OAOAST world is that these two could be competing in a Heartland Title match at the New Years Spectacular. Stay tuned for more information. Wright encounters a small personal dilemma on the matter of who should begin the affair. Though he deems himself indisputably qualified to manhandle the CAE, Wright's beaver cleaver deems it an indisputable pleasure to watch Alix wrestle in shorts so tiny they'd be best served as a belt. But, arrogance trumps libido, and he anoints himself starter of the bout. DING DING DING Attempting to throw CW off his game at the early onset of the bout, MARV shoots directly towards his knees. But, Christian is remarkably fast on his feet, and leaps backwards to avoid the Canadian hunk's attack. MARV isn't bemused by the avoidance, though, and instead passes Christian a mockingly congratulatory smirk. This innocent gesture vexes Christian severely, and he seizes hold of his rival with a lockup. Instantly the pairing throw themselves into a furious and frantic struggle, taking their battle about the ring, beat red faces flashing a constant anger. Finally Wright secures victory by flashing his perfectly ironed suit pants forward to smash his knee into MARV's washboard abs. CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! “The unqualified prattlings of a varigated potpourri of dregs and vagabonds! The adjective of suck is a descriptor discordant to my talent! “Mackenzie, dear, could we bring in Christian's denial file, I think we have a little something to add.” Alix retorts, angering Christian. The DC native channels his frustration with his partner into a European Uppercut that bombs across MARV's chiseled chest. The powerful attack stumbles the handsome skater into the ropes, and decorates his beige skin with a series of red welts. He yanks himself away from the orange ring cables, but is captured by the outstretched hand of CW and thrown into the opposite ropes. When he ambles back across the ring, the financial wiz attempts to decapitate him with a lariat. But MARV (having to press caps lock to write this guy's name is starting to get annoying!) angles his stringy body beneath the weapon, and continues galloping towards the other ropes. Snarling in aggravation, Wright twists his body around to retry his attack. But as soon as he raises his arm, MARV's blue elbow pad cracks into his face, smashing him to the ground! “SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!” MARV pulls Wright's hand away from its task of guarding his sore nose, and goes for a pin that's scored by referee Billy Silverman.. ONE! TWO! But, CW lifts his shoulder away from the canvas, and the crowd expresses their annoyance with heated boos. Wright is just as displeased as they are, but his outrage is aimed towards his tag partner.... “Insolent vamp! Know you not enough to lend boot, elbow and fist to the mongrel who dares sees me stilled for three seconds time?” “My, my, someone's gonorrhea is acting up today isn't it!” Alix chastises him. Distracted by Alix's wisecracks, Wright doesn't even think to offer a defense when MARV yanks him off the canvas and snaps his arm down with a violent arm wrench. As his foe whimpers in misery, MARV uses his injured limb as a leash to schlep him towards the corner for a tag with MEL. But to MARV'S tremendous surprise and horror, the former HI-YAH world champion recollects his strength and utilizes it to bulldoze his enemy into the corner posts. Thankfully for MARV, MEL applies an emergency tag before the snorting and growling Wright can do him much harm. COACH Aren't these idiots supposed to have some kind of image consultant? You know I liked the Boiz a lot better when they had those, what do you call them? Gimme a second here. Personalities. Yeah, wouldn't want that on our super serious wrestling show. As MEL enters the ring, MARV overpowers Christian with a pair of UFC inspired overhand rights. Quickly, MARV pins The Natural's arms behind his back, but immediately encounters violent thrashing against his clutches. Before CW can complete his desperately sought after escape, MEL slashes his elbow across his face. At that point, MARV releases his hold on Wright, and the snooty superstar plummets to the ground, joined by a wealth of cheers from the audience. While MARV exits the ring, MEL hooks Wright's legs for a second pinfall.. ONE! TWO! Christian pushes himself out the pin a mere moment after the ref's hand hits the canvas a second time. His easy escape is no cheer to him, and he continues to be rasped by Alix's refusal to break up the pin. “You thick headed wench! Is it some bloody stupidity that binds you to inaction?” “Hey, pull the USS Bad Attitude back into port, dude, you don't wanna mess with me!Ya know, I'm a pretty awesome biter. Uh-huh, yeah. I once chewed through the leather restraints in my eleventh grade math teacher's S&M dungeon.” MACKENZIE “What? Chastity belts, nipple clamps and spanking benches are what got me into UCLA!” The least talkative amongst the competitors, MEL clamps down onto CW with a front facelock and leads him to his feet. But as the pair rise, The Natural rebels against MEL's grasp, wrapping his arms around the skater's waist, then crushing his testicles with a inverted powerful atomic drop. MEL's screams are piercing and plentiful, but can hardly be heard over the song of, CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! CHRISTIAN SUCKS! Crippled by the searing pain in his groin, MEL is reduced to a helpless victim as Wright hoists him onto his shoulders into a standing fireman's carry position. The troublesomely devious smile on his face informs the wrathful of audience he's about to commit the Bank Roll. COACH MEL is quick, he's talented, and he's strong but he's about to get a Christian Wright special all up in dat ass! MEL is spared from the unwelcome anal entry predicated by the Coach, as his brother zips across the ring to yank him free of Wright's deathly manuevuer. Obviously incensed by the meddling of the twins, Wright turns his body around, egotistically assuming he can KO them with two potent swings of his fist. The duo prove him false, however, as their bright orange boots send him flying backwards with a supremely timed double dropkick. “YEAAAAA!” COLE Wow, what a double dropkick by the Christ Air Express! A great move by two great young athletes! After exchanging a MANLY~ fist pound with his brother, MEL hooks Wright's leg for another pin. ONE! TWO! Once again Christian kicks out of the fall, but this time does so only because Alix accidentally dropped her elbow directly onto his face. “Oh, heaven, in my honest hands lay me a whip to lash this bewhored fool into the pits of hades!” Christians screams over the cheer of the audience. “Why Christian Williams, I can't believe what I'm hearing!” “Wright!” “Huh?” “My last name is Wright!” “Oh....that's pretty!” Alix comments while walking back to the apron. Barely able to maintain his sanity, Wright scrapes himself off the canvas and joins MEL in a combative position. The high flying hipster instantly assails him with a brigade of knife edge chops, that earn the requisite WHOO's from the Arizona audience. But The Natural takes the assault in stride and calms his aggressive foe with a despicable rake of the eyes! BOOOOOO! COACH What are you making that face for, MC? Yeah it was a cheap shot. So what? Prime television time is scarce in the OAOST, you do what you have to do to win. Wright understands this. Maybe if da Boiz did they wouldn't have to undergo image makeovers every four months. Fully capitalizing on his opponent's inability to see anything besides blurry distorted shapes, The Natural sinks on a tightly held inverted facelock. Mere moments later, MEL is being powered down to the canvas at the hands of an inverted DDT! As the fans boo his latest show of dominance, CW hooks MEL's leg for a crucial pinfall... ONE! TWO! But, MARV breaks up the fall with a swipe of his boot, generating quite the pop from the fans. Unfortunately, it also generates quite the outrage from Wright, and the young slice of beefcake pays for his prying with a diving lariat. COACH See, Alix, that's how tag team wrestling works. You aid and assist your partner. COLE You're going to tell the record holding four time tag team champion how to do her job? With MARV swiftly and brutally dealt with, Wright is free to return his focus to the in ring Nerdly twin. Grabbing hold of MEL's layered hair, The Natural pulls him upright, then sets him on a path to the ropes. After the cables shoot the youngster back, CW grounds him with a lightening quick snap powerslam. Silverman counts the ensuing pinfall.... ONE! TWO! To the spectator's joy, MEL manages to get his shoulder up at the last possible microsecond. Wright is infinitely perturbed by the pinfall escape, and is only pulled deeper into the belly of rage by Mackenzie's demands for him to tag Alix. Understanding the type of trouble he'll face should he disobey Moneymaker's call for cooperation, Wright begrudgingly accepts Mackenzie's orders, and tags his eternal tormentor into the fray. Trying to make peace with CW, Alix says, “Love the man boobs, babe. Nice and perky without the tude!” COLE Alix Spezia entering the ring to face off against MEL in a battle between Los Angeles County and Orange County. The bubbly brunette inches her way through the ropes with a seducing slowness, providing the world with a titillating view of her sexy tanned legs, and Wright with a deep regret he didn't carry along a packet of tissues. Once Alix finally gets into the ring, things become slightly less arousing, and much more serious due to an irish whip from MEL. As the Hollywood Bad Girl bounces off the ring cables, MEL attempts to upend her with a whirling savate kick. But, the agile Californian is several steps ahead of her rival and foils him by rolling beneath his fast whirling leg. As he turns around to get a bead on the elusive Latina, he finds himself trapped in a suffocating position between her pretty pink gogo boots. But he isn't forced to endure that choke hold for more then a few seconds before Alix twirls her body around and dumps him onto the canvas! “Yeah! Looks like Ally's gonna kick some boot-ay to-day!” ALIX! ALIX! ALIX! The recipient of the fans adoration carries herself to the ropes, and quickly leaps to the third one. Using the video screen in the entryway as her guide, the beach bunny waits for MEL to rise, and once he does, she dismounts her base by twisting her body horizontally through the air with a dangerous kick. Unable to shield his bearded face in time, MEL is smacked senseless by her assault, and dropped to the canvas in a confused heap. While the audience continues to loudly cheer her displays of power, Alix flips a loving kiss to Mackenzie, who happily catches it and plants it on her cheek. Problematically for Alix, her quick offering of TLC to Mackie, gave MARV the distraction required to sneak into the ring and pummel her down with ferocious clubbing forearms to her bare back. “Come on, man, get up!” he barks to MEL as he throws Alix into a neutral corner. His enemy hits the harsh ringposts with a hard thud, one that violently sucks all the energy and breath out her body. As the woozy girl staggers away from turnbuckles, the CAE work in total unison to flip her over with a double hip toss. However, she stuns them with amazement and frustration by landing on her feet! While the audience salutes her nimbleness, the hottie begins turning the tables on the Nerdly twins by swatting MEL away with an axe kick! However, as she turns to wage war on MARV, the Orange County native captures her with a Jawjacker! Left dazed by the unusually strong attack, Alix is an easy victim for the gladiator's follow up single arm DDT. Well aware of the fact, that the referee can't tell apart him from MEL (even though it says their names on their tights!) MARV feigns complete innocence and hooks onto Alix's silken legs for a pinfall.... ONE! TWO! Alix kicks out, allowing the capacity crowd to breathe a little easier. COLE One thing that we've seen in Christ Air Express matches is how adept they are with teamwork, and how excellently they're able to work together. COACH Jesus, I hope they can work well together they've known each other since they were in the womb! With a firm hold of Alix's booty revealing hotpants, MARV pulls the Princess of Los Angeles off the canvas. He weakens her with a parade of elbows to the side of her head, then gives her another whip to the ropes. But this Irish whip effort is just as fruitless as the previous attempt, as when Alix returns, she leaps into the sky and uses her luscious honey buns to steamroll her enemy into the ring ropes! COLE You have to figure having a fitness guru for an ex-girlfriend would give you a pretty tight tush. The cables don't permit MARV a chance to remain in their embrace for very long however, and violently propel him into the waiting clutches of The Hollywood Bad Girl. Before MARV can stage a proper defense, Alix locks her arm beneath his, halting him in place. That is until her gogo boot swipes at his inner leg, taking him off his feet with Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving (flatliner)! MARV's cute face thuds off the canvas, momentarily drained of all life, as the crowd roars for Alix's signature hold. ALIX! ALIX! ALIX! With Marv in dire need of some valtrex, Ally is free to offer her fans one good reason to lock the door, dim the lights, and find the box of Charmin. Her arms held into the air, Alix's curvy hips enchantingly dance from side to side, and up to down, with the mesmerizing bouncing of her perfect heart shapped ass cheeks reducing the audience and Mackenzie into blubbering erotic messes. Wright exerts a gargantuan effort to fight against the jiggly arousal exuded by this supreme ass goodness. The starting lineup of the 1999 Baltimore Orioles, his grandmother having sex with Dick Chenney, the name of every Cheers episode, nothing can free his mind from the bucking and bouncing beauty of the flesh that lies before him. Fortunately, for Wright the camera remains primarily focused on his now moonsaulting partner. Unfortunately, for Alix, her shenanigans blessed MARV with the time required to regain his health, and as she descends upon his sprawled out frame he rolls out the way. Saving the audience from further despair, the city of angel's favorite daughter manages to come down on her 60's era footwear. But neither Alix nor the fans are able to breathe easily, as the hipster smashes his knee into her tight stomach. Ally is doubled over in anguish, and her chocolate colored hair drapes in front of her face, totally hindering her ability to keep track of her rival. This is to her incredible disadvantage; placing a hand onto her exposed back, the Jared Leto lookalike(check the pic base!) throws himself into the air, then uses his right leg to slice through her neck with the Noseplant! As Mackenzie cringes in fear on the outside, Alix's head is smashed off the canvas, giving rise to deep throated cries of distress. COLE MARV using one of his brother's signature holds, and definitely one the Beverly Hills Blonds have to look out for if they hold any hope of beating the Nerdly twins in their opening round Anderson Cup match next week at the New Years Spectacular live on TSM! While Cole continues to shill his soul away, MARV drapes his shoulder across Alix's neck for a rather nonchalant pin... ONE! TWO! Shocking all the color from MARV's face, Alix kicks out! YEAAAAAAA! As his eyes widen further and further in dismay, MARV rubs his thin beard and continues to question how he failed to earn a three count. COLE Just once I'd like to see someone agree with the referee's count. Someone who says, hey, that wasn't three, you were right. Forcing Alix to expend her valuable energy, MARV makes her head upright under her own power. Before she's able to extend to her full five feet and eight inches, MARV bounds off the ropes with frighteningly quick speed. He returns to coil his arm around her neck, then in one super smooth motion dips backwards, planting her head into the canvas with a running DDT! Alix hollers out in agony, as the raw pain scorches across her neck. But, MARV silences her screams with another pin attempt.... ONE! TWO! Fearful over an impending loss, Mackenzie elevates herself to the ring apron to aid her troubled girlfriend. Unsurprisingly, Silverman is easily distracted by the stunning image of the elegant blond and forgets all about MARV's pinfall. “WE WANT KRISTA! WE WANT KRISTA! WE WANT KRISTA!” the fans sing in reply to Mackenzie unwelcome presence. As the audience expected, Mackenzie's meddlesome behavior does Alix more harm then good, because it creates an opportune moment for a CAE double team. MARV takes hold of Ally's lush brown locks, and roughly removes her off the canvas. He grips onto her bracelet coated arm and flings her towards MEL, who hops onto the third rope. As Alix draws nearer, the Nerdly boy evacuates his nest, and mows her down with a springboard lariat! Alix falls back to the canvas, whimpering quietly in searing pain. There's no sympathy from CAE, however, and they curse her with further anguish with a pair of leg drops. COLE As usual, great teamwork by the Nerdly twins. But can it translate into a win tonight? Cole's question is soon to be answered as MEL hooks Alix's leg, while MARV scampers from the ring. No longer lulled to distraction by Mackenzie's beauty, Silverman rushes to the pinfall to apply the count! ONE! TWO! Again, Alix gets her shoulder off the ring apron, drawing a huge pop from the sold out arena. LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX! MEL brings her to her feet where he attaches her into a front facelock. The Canadian raises her into the air, then falls backwards, torpedoing her neck straight into the ring with a deadly brain buster DDT! The impact of the deathly attack shocks Alix into long tortured screams, ones that cause Mackenzie to urge her to get up and fight back. But Mackenzie's wish remains ungranted, and her mood only worsens when she watches MEL drive the point of his elbow into her girlfriend's upper back! COLE At some point Alix is going to have to reintroduce Christian Wright to this match. The Express have switched in and out constantly, and Alix and Wright have only tagged once. Showing admirable resilience, Alix rises on her own accord. Her enemy emphatically tries to show her that it would've been wiser to stay on the mat and get pinned, by throwing a sidekick towards her midsection. But she catches firm hold of his shoe, indefinitely delaying the strike. She shakes her head like an admonishing mother, then dizzies her rival by spinning him in a 360 rotation. When the nauseated skater comes back to face her, she gives him a taste of his own medicine by striking him in the gut. The Larina sex kitten then sweeps around MEL, and catches him into an inverted facelock. Seconds later Alix turns herself into a pink and black tornado, violently twisting her adversary to the ground with the Make Love Not Babies (inverted tornado DDT). A grotesque pain seeps into MEL's clobbered neck, as the crowd bestows Alix's sensational attack with an enormous cheer. LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX! LET'S GO ALIX! “Oh wretched strumpet, action calls you! Grant your moral and athletic superior entry into the contest and die wowed at a level of achievement eternally beyond your befouled hands!” Wright boasts. Barely able to withhold her rage, Alix turns to Mackenzie and says “Next time you take a bath, it'll be rub a dub-dub, oops I dropped a blender in the tub.” After that thereat of spousal abuse passes, Alix applies the unwanted tag to her haughty tag team partner. Instantly the tide of public opinion sways entirely back towards The Christ Air Express, leaving Christian Wright as the most hated figure in the arena. COLE The OAOAST fans have never felt any love for Christian Wright, and they aren't about to get a warm fuzzy feeling right now. Charging across the ring, MARV attempts to grant the crowd's wish for Wright's destruction. But The Natural, emits a comically insulting yawn, and upends his approaching enemy with a lariat! “BOOOOOO!” As his brother is left to nurse his wounded chest, MEL undertakes the task of besting Wright by employing the same strategy. But he meets with the same grizzly end as his sibling, floored by a lariat from the yawning superstar. “BOOOOOO!” “SILENCE!” Wright reprimands the audience. The fans go anything but quiet, instead bursting with applause and cheers as they watch MARV hammer the The Financial Analyst with overhand chops to the back. The flesh shredding attacks cause enough damage to allow MARV to attempt to whip CW into the corner. Attempt being the key word here, as Wright reverses the hold and delivers MARV into the corner with a titanic thud. The impact seems to deprive the skateboarding stud of all energy and fighting spirit, leaving him the perfect target for the running body splash Wright aims at him. But MARV kicks his feet up, and the sharp dressed man collides face first with the raised leather boots. “YEAAAAAA!” Knocked senseless by the unexpected counterattack, CW hardly notices when his rival traps him within an inverted ¾ facelock. “Here we go Phoneix, let's do it!” MARV screams to the fans “SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!” With Wright firmly entrenched in his grip, MARV runs up the ring ropes, and then launches himself off the top turnbuckle. MARV sails back through the air, eventually crashing himself into the ring floor and bringing Wright's head along with him. COLE Acid Drop! Acid Drop! Acid Drop! Silverman drops to his knees to count a pinfall the capacity crowd prays will reach three. CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! Christian kicks out, and even his own tag team partner is more then a little annoyed by this development. COLE And what a feather in the cap it would've been for the Christ Air Express to beat the first ever One and Only World Tag Team Champions, and a four time tag team and two time 24/7 champion. Not wishing to waste a second of his offensive momentum, MARV begins lifting Wright off the canvas. But the shrewd financial guru destroys MARV's grip on his curly hair, by rifling his forearm into his rival's testicles. As the audience lustily boos his terrible sportsmanship, The Natural attempts to subdue MARV with a basic bodyslam. However, MARV frantically slides free of Wright's clutches, and succeeds in landing behind the detested heel. Without offering Wright the chance to so much as turn around, MARV leaps into the air and swats him to the mat with a beautifully executed sidekick. “SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE! SKATE OR DIE!” Pumped up by a surge of adrenaline, MARV emits a guttural roar and throws up his famous “RAWK” hand signal! However, their's nothing rawking about the fate that quickly befalls him; Alix tightens him into an inverted facelock, then swings her free arm across his face, lariating him while she viscously hammers him into the canvas. “RAWK that whiteboy!” ALIX! ALIX! ALIX! MARV captures Alix by surprise by latching onto her wealth of bracelets, and using them to launch her into the corner. He trails her path with incredible speed, not wanting to give her a moment to counterattack his assault. But despite his precautions, the wilily minx evades his attack, by willfully throwing herself over the top rope! Though MARV encounters a horrific meeting with the poorly padded steel posts, Alix avoids her own self inflicted disaster by latching onto the secondropes. COLE Wow did you see that? What technique from Alix Maria Spezia! Alix further impresses fans and announcers alike by sliding herself back onto the ring apron where her brown eyes observe the pleasing sight of MARV nursing a busted lip. Setting her keen wrestling mind to work, Alix is quick to take advantage of the youngster's unfortunate position. She escalates herself to the top rope, bringing the fans to their feet in anticipation of a death defying assault. After flashing her raucous fan base a peace sign, The Hollywood Bad Girl rockets backwards. After several gymnast worthy twirls through the sky, her suntanned body plows through MARV with a corckscrew moonsault press! ”YEAAAAA!” The audience and Mackenzie join Silverman in counting the ensuing pinfall, CROWD and MACKENZIE ONE! CROWD and MACKENZIE TWO! But with firm grip on Alix's gogo boots, MEL yanks the feisty babe off his brother, generating a round of boos from the audience. COACH Them boys has gotta be a lot quicker on the draw if they wanna keep rolling among the top tag teams! Ignoring the wrath stemming from the usually pro-Nerdly crowd, MEL leads Alix off the canvas by her slinky tube top. But he hasn't a second to exert any sort of attack, before The Hollywood Bad Girl roars to life and assails him with a pair of open handed slaps! The attacks leave burning red hand prints on his hairy face, and prevent him from stopping Alix from placing him into a side headlock. She somersault forward, then falls down supine, using the momentum of the flip to twist MEL's neck back into the canvas with her finisherA Shot At Love (sommersault neckbreaker)! A flash of terrible pain explodes around his neck, forcing steady scream of anguish from his throat. The audience and Mackenzie show no concern for MEL's suffering, instead loudly cheering for Alix's impending victory. Silverman scores the crucial fall... CROWD ONE! CROWD TWO! The fans are jarred into a furious tantrum when they witness Christian Wright take a stiff handful of Alix's hair and barbarically throw her away from her victim. Mackenzie is beside herself with disgust for Wright's actions, and calls upon every last ounce of self control she has to keep herself from mauling him to death. COLE What in the hell is he doing? Hogging the spoils of victory for himself would be the obvious answer, as Wright drags MEL's limp carcass off the canvas. His hands snake around the beaten wrestler's slender waist, and with a thundering cry he hoists his foe into the air and punishes him with the Stockmarket Crash (Gordbuster)! COACH MEL might wanna pull his money out the market and invest in more wrestling lessons, because he just got bitched by The Natural! As the audience is deflated into silence by his deplorable misbehavior, Wright hooks MEL's outside leg for the pinfall.... ONE! TWO! THREE! DING DING DING DING! Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man Not oblivious to the fact that he's now incurred the wrath of two very angry lesbians, the wretched trickster dives out the ring before Silverman can even raise his hands. He quickly retreats up the ramp, with jeers and boos of a depressed audience assailing him with every step. Once he's certain he's a safe distance away from a scowling Mackenize, Wright breaks out into uproarious laughter that only further serves to enrage both audience and Alix. BUFFER The winner of this match as a result of a pinfall...ALIX MARIA SPEZIA and CHIRSITAN WRIGHT! As Alix watches the replay of the finisher on the scoreboard, she can scarcely believe her eyes at the treachery done against her. Once the replay concludes she fixes a scornful gaze upon Mackenzie's, who only shakes her head in sorrow. COACH Christian Wright, doing good by his boys in the 'Prise! Beatin that Nerdly ass only a week before The Beverly Hills Blonds have their opening round Anderson Cup match against them. That's a real team player. COLE A real team player? He pulled his own partner off their beaten opponent just so he could get the win! How's that a team player? COACH Wright knew that sissy girl neckbreaker she uses as a finisher may get the job done on mark ass tag jobbers like The Love Doctors, but it ain't happening against The Christ Air Express. Wright stepped in and made a big play. And I hope the eighty five unused wrestlers on our roster were watching, because maybe if ya'll were a little bit more like Wright, and a little less like yourselves, you might actually get on TV regularly like The Natural. COLE Well, folks the remaining remembers of The Enterprise, and The Express' opponents in the opening round of the Anderson Cup, The Beverly Hills Blonds, will be with us after this commercial break for Reel Talk with Zack Malibu and Bohmoeth. You don't want to miss it! COMING UP NEXT REAL. LIVE. TALK REEL TALK NEXT

RECORDED EARLIER TODAY We see Alix Maria Spezia in The Enterprise dressing room, wearing a red and white stripped t-shirt with a collared lace trim, and a pair of super short dark washed jean shorts with a braided woven belt. She's pouring through a bag of Miss Spezia's Sweeties Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, separating the normal cookies from the ones that vaguely resemble Jesus. Ah the work of a CEO is never done! This important task is is interrupted by Mackenzie DeCenzo, who comes through the door, in what's deemed a dressed down outfit for her, a sequined mini dress decorated by an abstract blue and green pattern meant to resemble an ocean MACKENZIE Hi, baby. Got something for you. Are you ready for a bag full of goodies? ALIX Oooh goodie weed! MACKENZIE Don't I wish! Actually, this bag has people! ALIX Ooooh goodie immigrant slave labor! And just in time to, those guys from Nike have been hounding my tush about the getting out the new line of Air Maxes before the after New Year's sales. MACKENZIE Actually, Madam Foot Locker, its one person, and I found this guy hanging out at Bed, Bath and Beyond. ALIX Ooooh goodie a gay man! MACKENZIE Not quite. Well, actually, maybe. We'll see in a second won't we. Come on in! Through the doorway, Christian Wright, holding a cup of Starbucks coffee,his bags from Bed Bath and Beyond, and clad in a pair of khaki shorts and an olive colored half zipper sweater, strolls into the beautifully decorated dressing room. ALIX (taking a look at Wright) Ooooh goodie useless shit! WRIGHT I shan't absorb barbs from a harpie who lists her most treasured personal achievement as constructing California's largest ball of aluminum foil. ALIX Hey, I get five television stations no one in the entire state of Los Angeles gets, 'cause of that thing! Look, I shouldn't be so hard on ya, dude... MACKENZIE Alix, don't.... ALIX After all it must be so tough for you, being trapped inside a man's body and all. (Alix begins singing and dancing like a 40's era male lounge singer) A room without windows, a room without doors. A room without windows, a room without doors. A room where no guy but I can spy the charms that are yours. Like being marooned on a island far from civilized shores. You and me in a room without windows, a room without doors! Hit it, Mackie! WRIGHT' Ay me, sad moments seem long when faced with such lamentable insanity. ALIX So what-cha-what-cha-whcta-cha want? If you're looking for the good stuff, Terry Taylor's got a peep hole drilled into the wall, he charges ten dollars for admission and that includes drink service and a light dinner. Or you can just head over to my website, and pay $20.99 per month, or $36.99 for a premium membership, which includes premium members only webcam shows, thank you for order, please pull up to the second window. WRIGHT The qualities of vigor, moxie, fortitude, and gallantry all of which make Sir Moneymaker a leader of brilliance, have somehow manipulated him into deeming it necessary for you and I to associate in a manner most unfit to my stature. ALIX Uh-huh, and the qualities of annoying, boring, dull, and rude, all of which make you a virgin have manipulated me into deeming it necessary for me to introduce to ya to my old pal, speeding traffic! Right this way, sir, I hear the rumbling of a Dodge Charger. Mackenzie steps between Alix and Christian to preserve the piece. MACKENZIE Remember when I told you I had some big matches in store? ALIX Yeah, I just thought that meant we were gonna go down to South Central and set poor black children on fire. And it better still mean that because I didn't spend two thousand dollars of your money on flame retardant suits and embalming fluid for you to wuss out now! MACKENZIE Yes, well, as appealing as ethnic cleansing sounds at this moment, according to all three of our bosses, Mister Moneymaker has determined that it would be better if you two were to team up and tag against The Christ Air Express. I know, I know, I hate it just like you do, baby, but he thinks its unhealthy for two of the top members of The Enterprise to be constantly at each other's throats. So this is his solution. ALIX Driftwood, John Wayne, my relationship with Mackenzie. Things that are dead? Ding ding ding? Tell her what she's won! An all expense paid trip to douchebag island population this homophobic jackass! (Alix points at Christian) MACKENZIE I understand how mad this makes you feel right now. I get it. The entire Enterprise has been terrible to you. Terrible, and I blame myself. But, they've been pretty bad to me lately also. And maybe to smooth things over, make them right, we have to play their game just for a little while. And if playing that game means fighting their battles, then I guess we have to bigger people and try it for a little while. WRIGHT And what of my feelings? What of my great sorrow at being enlisted to ally with a homosexual, a step bellow the devil's personal hand puppet? Am I, a competitor of valor, strength and merit to be amused by the prospects of lowering my moral stock to galavant with a lesbian, who's no better then a night walking floozy? You who have as little on your mind as you wear on your body. You, madam, are nothing more then a common smut peddling filth merchant! ALIX Did you decide I was a filth merchant after the fortieth of fiftieth time you got an erection when I so much as bent over during the match? WRIGHT I know nothing of the absurdity you speak! If you wish to prove me a deviate pervert, then perhaps you should...um....demonstrate said bending over. Several times if need be! Slowly as well. MACKENZIE No way! ALIX That's right dude, you gotta sign up for at least a six month membership on my site to get the booty action going on. WRIGHT Tis meaningless regardless. The bulging of my brooks brothers pantalons is but simply created by the rush of competition. Dare you to say anything more? ALIX Anything more? Hmmm, interesting, dude, isn't that what all your sexual partners say when you pull down your pants. WRIGHT No! ALIX Oh of course not. Sheep can't speak! WRIGHT The straw has been laid and the camel's back broken! These insults are crimes I shall bear no further! Wright slams his cup of coffee onto a nearby end table and proceeds to tun towards the door. ALIX What's this? I just read assholes for dummies cover to cover, and they never mentioned this behavior! Before Wright can exit the room he runs into his entering boss, Theodore Moneymaker, attired in a fabulous navy pinstriped suit. MONEYMAKER Greetings one and all! What a magnificent treat it is to see the high ranking members of The Enterprise gathered as a unified of whole strength, dignity and righteous American morality. Though two amongst of us have reserved their one way ticket to the devil's paradise with their pagan allegience to the fag agenda, I believe we can all come together over common love for one universal fascination. Money. Now, I apologize for being late to our impromptu pow-wow, but I had to draw up some briefs with Greg Atwater, my attorney MACKENZIE I bet their were some briefs involved but I doubt they were being drawn up MONEYMAKER MACKENZIE I'm sorry I have no idea where that came from. Uh, the devil made me say it? MONEYMAKER Be that as it may, I feel as if I have been personally touched by the Heavens to be able have business partners, who are as every bit as skilled with the sword as they are with the checkbook. Alix, I don't think that I can wipe away all your hatred and mistrust of The Enterprise by myself. Why, I bet you think me as some kind of shark, circling the waters, gnashing his fangs, ready to sink his teeth into the cookie company you've worked so hard to build into a success. And maybe that's a fair accusation. In the world of business, a Moneymaker is a great white, his friends hammer heads with the wisdom to stay away from his path, and his enemies but guppies just there to be devoured. But for you, I am a beacon of hope, and when you are ready to submit your company my guiding wisdom, and maybe renounce your oath to hedonistic church of homosexuality. I'll be there. I don't ask for your allegiance now. You should continue to pay allegiance to your heart and your soul. Today, I ask only one thing from you. Honor your King's wish for peace. Moneymaker nods to Alix and exits the room, leaving Mackenize to look dumbfounded. Wright on the other hand, reverts from his docile manner to his previously annoyed persona. WRIGHT (to Alix) I won't allow you to make a fool of Mister Moneymaker. He is a consummate leader and a battle tested warrior. Traitors, even those of your own heart and soul, must be destroyed. Should you dare cross The Enterprise, I will not hesitate to do what a man protecting his Empire should do. Wright hisses at Alix, and receives a fiery snarl in return. With that he exits the room and Alix turns to Mackenzie. ALIX A lap dance, a diamond ring from Tifannys, a Playstation Three, season tickets to the Lakers, front row seats to Suessical The Musical MACKENZIE Suessical the musical? What the heck? Is the Montessori school for the deaf, dumb and blind? Are you six years old? ALIX For once in your life can you not think of the show tunes? I'm trying to list all the stuff you owe me! MACKENZIE For what? ALIX For the worst night of my firggin life! And now its Alix's turn to storm out the room, and her girlfriend has left to stand behind wondering what steps she'll have to take to achieve a somewhat normal healthy relationship. COMING UP NEXT MONEY TALKS. JESUS WALKS The Enterprise Vs The Christ Air Express NEXT

Holiday hangover!

A good suggestion, from a good man. consider the show postponed until sometime early-mid afternoon PST. which is like evening eastern and prbly Tuesday or something in England. lawlz

Alix and Christian Wright Vs Rescue 911 or Los Diablos or love doctors or Christ air express, see there's lots of tag teams. understand? Hey, I decided on the CAE. do not call opening segment-becuz it belongs to kc if u read above!

in here