King Cucaracha

"I'm a stupied lamewad who writes fake wrestling matches in his spare time + 3" has potential. I like it! Seriously though, Revolution Zero would be a pretty good name. If you're going the self referencial route, Toxxic Shock Syndrome would be okay.

WRONG Blue Meanie. Although he stole it from Sable when she left. Also, the Steve Blackman one which I assume was the "hands are my weapons" was Tazz, but Blackman might have said that. CC, consider yourself cookied, whatever that means.

The fired issue has been dealt with. As far as why he's not working ROH anymore, my guess he doesn't want to end up like a certain Austin Aries and a certain Roderick Strong when it comes to TNA pushes.

Anyone who can name all the catchphrases and owners of them at the end of my segment wins a cookie. One of those computer cookie dealies, I guess, because there's no way I'm sending a real one. But, a cookie nonetheless.

Latino Thug Street Fight Leon Rodez, Colombian Heat, John Brickston and Spanish Fly -VS- Tha Puerto Rican, Vitamin X, Cuban Wall and Mr Boricua

How is Bret's speech 'once in a lifetime', exactly? Did you not watch his DVD? He'll come out, talk himself up as being the best ever, not say anything Smarks want him to say and that'll be that.

Awesome stuff. Thoth is a Necro Butcher fan? Fantastic. Also, in other news, Thoth if you enjoy Dragon's Gate you should search YouTube for some CHIKARA. It's a US indy fed, but it's lucha based and I think they're influenced by Dragon's Gate too. Lot of comedy and there's some decent wrestling in there too. Pity I don't have any computer time and there's big time difference problems meaning I wouldn't be able to get involved myself. But who knows.

Fuck placeholders! "HI-YAH ZACK ATTACK!" would have made me shoot milk through my nose had I been drinking milk at the time...and, if my life were either a bad comedy movie or a lame U.S sitcom. But, funny anyway. Also, confession time...I've never seen an episode of 24. Anytime you do a Scrubs parody, call me. To quote Patty, "That's my america for these fat motherfuckers!" And that's exactly my thoughts on the Tag Title Match. Fortunate that I'm so highly educated that I can understand what was going on, then. Fun match as usual from Patty, although after a while it seemed like everything was getting countered. That aside, enjoyable stuff and "frank n'beans" was the best decription of that area in the history of the OAOAST. The Heartland 4 Way was a bit of a clusterfuck to start with, but it really picked up after Team Heyross got eliminated. TK/Reject was great though and I sense that wasn't the end of it somehow. Fun little tag match. Count me in as surprised that Faqu and Blonde went over, I guess Zack must have something in mind for them if he's putting them over The GPX and in such quick time. I think it worked though. Oh boy. I'm not gonna get into MOTY debates in FEBRUARY, PEOPLE but I think we have a contender for longest match at least. Very interesting stipulation. Not sure what happened with the First Blood fall, because all of a sudden Brock is 2-0 up with no warning or explanation. Odd. What if First Blood came up and both guys were already bleeding? Hmm. I love how the match swings from stip to stip and suddenly, we go from a submission war to old school wrestling to a stretcher match. The FCA fall was typically mad. Fantastic match and a really great ending with the fakeout on Alfdogg somehow tying the match at the end after all. Thumbs way up. Uh, stuff happens with Ragdoll and Ken and Jasmine and Josie. Yeah. The LC/anti-LC tag match was good stuff. X being god damn annoying was fun and again, it's good feud build up from EWC. DEF JAM VENDETTA TIME! Or, X Games, whatever, same vibe same thing. Proud to say I came up with the stip (well, the premise at least), but credit should go to Parka for carrying it off really well. I loved Tony Hawk on commentary, all good stuff. Liked the story of Parka winning the crowd over and/or O'Hara losing them. My match. Need I say more? Awesome! Very nice match with the Sooners and the Rockers. I feel justified in voting for Tony as Underrated Writer now because that was a very nice match. I'm kinda iffy on the finish personally, especially if The Heavenly Rockers are challenging The NNMX next and therefore need to be heels. The promo afterwards I guess makes up for it and it's leading to a Sooners heel turn I assume. And finally, kudoses to Zachary for his match. Did a fine job with Christian and the ending made the HI-YAH Title probably as important as it ever has, sans Axel/Ragdoll. Almost makes up for my months of doing jackshit with it. Almost.

This team pleases me. Ditto, especially after the horror line-up last time. If all goes well, I could see Doug getting a regular contract...although, doesn't he work for NOAH? Wouldn't that be a problem with New Japan?

Name the others. Undertaker. Shawn Michaels. Ric Flair (Taboo Tuesday). Pretty much every performance he's had at Survivor Series. His performance in the 04 Rumble (which was as good as Benoit's for the time they were in the ring). The match with Trips at Rumble 05 was underrated. His matches with RVD were decent considering RVD was in them. EDIT: Val Venis. How people expect Orton to be super-over after the NINE MONTH, NEVER ENDING, CAREER KILLING (I had to put that bit in captial letters see, so it stands out, that's how we do things on the net people!) feud with The Undertaker, I don't know. It's not the only reason, sure, but it's the main one at the moment. Of COURSE he has no credibility, he was made to look like a complete pussy by some terrible booking for 3/4 of a year. It's not his theme music that's the problem. It's not his pose. It's not just doing too many chinlocks. It's booking. Terrible booking. The WWE are far too desperate to turn him into something that he isn't and might never be which is a bona fide main eventer. And when they get desperate, they do things they needn't do. If they used Orton as a regular (ie unable to project his inner visions onto a camera during a wrestling show) cocky heel and bided their time, there probably wouldn't be a problem because he'd be a perfectly good US Title contender/holder. He's nowhere near as bad as the rap he gets from some people though. He's been popular before, why not again (with the right booking)? I know, someone with an unbiased opinion tries to reason stuff out on the internet. Shocking, huh? Taker, 15 years plus. Flair, 20-25 years. HHH, 10 years. Angle, 6 years. Rey, 10 years. The reason they're over is because they were given time to establish themselves. You're comparing veterans to Orton, who's not even in his 3rd year in the WWE, which isn't a fair deal. Compare to say Batista and Cena, who came in the same sort of time and/or position, then yeah, you're probably right. Trouble is, Vince doesn't have the patience to wait for a flight, if you catch my drift.

COLE On Sunday night, the 24/7 Championship was on the line with Tha Puerto Rican taking on Leon Rodez, with a fifteen minute time-limit tacked on under orders from the champion. And somehow, after a gruelling fifteen minute battle, PRL lucked out yet once more and retained the title despite the fact Rodez quite clearly had his opponent beaten. CABOOSE The record books disagree and so do I. COLE Regardless, in the course of the show we're scheduled to hear from both Leon Rodez and Tha Puerto Rican on what went down at Zero Hour...but in addition, PRL's luck might just run out here on HeldDOWN~! Tonight, he defends the 24/7 Title against not only Leon Rodez, but also Colombian Heat, in a Triple Threat Match! CABOOSE Just another terrible decision from a terrible General Manager. [b][i]“LIGHTNING CREW!”[/b][/i] "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Woah! Well we're wasting no time tonight, because here comes Tha Puerto Rican apparantly! "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Bonds brings the crowd to their feet collectively with rapturous boos. "YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Or, not, I guess. CABOOSE Now, this is the way to kick off the show. COLE Wait a minute... CABOOSE Tha Puerto Rican, the 24/7 Champion! COLE ...'Boose, wait up... CABOOSE The best 24/7 Champion in OAOAST history without any shadow of a doubt! COLE ...'Boose! CABOOSE What!?! COLE That's not Tha Puerto Rican. That's not the Lightning Crew. That's... CABOOSE THAT'S RODEZ DRESSED AS THA PUERTO RICAN!! Indeed, it's not the Lightning Crew, but it's 1998 all over again because here comes the 'Lightning Crew'. Of course, ' ' indicate finger quotes, so everyone do that at home while you're reading this segment. Interactive segments- The Future of the OAOAST! Leon Rodez, 'PRL', carries a replica of the 24/7 Title over his shoulder and is dressed in a typically high-brow get up. And, speaking of high brows, the normal eyebrows are accompanied by two rather over-sized painted on eyebrows which stretch right up to the top of his forehead. On 'PRL's' arm is the lovely 'Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez', who is actually Jade Rodez in the lowest cut top and shortest skirt her brother would allow her to wear for the purposes of this segment. Bringing up the rear are the other Lightning Crew members. And, let's face it, they are the 'other' members. Looking like Mr T after raiding a pawn shop, Colombian Heat has apparantly come dressed as 'Vitamin X' tonight, wearing at least 20 different pieces of jewellery. Not to mention the other bling-bling around his neck...a hubcap, an alarm clock, , a and a (naturally). Behind him is 'Mr Boricua', which is actually Otaku II wearing a rather large muscle suit, or possibly a sumo suit, underneath clothes which presumably came from a specialist supplier for ridiculously fat people. Beside him, Spanish Fly has come to the pary as Official Lightning Crew Referee, 'Thomas Rodriguez'. Of course, Fly is still wearing his mask...which makes the fact he has a Rodriguez like shaggy haired wig on top of his head even more COMICAL~! 'Rodriguez' also has a referee's shirt on incase anyone was confused, which seems to have been doused in sweat by the apparantly very nervous 'Rodriguez'. Which leaves John Brickston as 'Cuban Wall', who's just...well, dressed like Cuban Wall. Oh, and he's carrying balloons with him. COLE Wait, why's no-one out here dressed as you 'Boose? CABOOSE They wouldn't dare. COLE Well, maybe we should have Coach do the Caboose imitations then, just so you don't fell left out. COACH My pleasure...OMG LIGHTNING CREW! OMG SPLOOGE~! OMG PUER... Caboose clotheslines Coach out of his chair and he will no longer speak in this segment kthanxbye. CABOOSE Anything else to say, Mikey? COLE Nosir. 'The Lightning Crew' all enter the ring and congregate in the middle, with 'PRL' demanding a microphone. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" Holding the '24/7 Championship' in his hand, 'PRL' (Rodez) spins the 24/7 spinner plate. Around and around it goes and 'PRL's' eyes light up like a toddler with a new toy. Eventually, 'PRL' realises he's on national TV and breaks his gaze away from the belt for long enough to raise the microphone to his lips. A buzz goes through the arena as 'Vitamin X' excitedly jumps up and down on the spot. 'PRL' (RODEZ) FINALLY... Suddenly, 'PRL' stops. Motioning to 'Cuban Wall', 'PRL' takes one of the balloons that he's holding and pulls it down. Pulling the balloon open, 'PRL' then takes a large gulp of helium before continuing, because of course the real PRL has a high voice and that's FUNNY! 'PRL' (RODEZ) FINALLY... The Lightning Crew... have garnered a crowd reaction! "YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" 'The Lightning Crew' celebrate, 'Vitamin X' and 'Mr Boricua' hugging each other while 'Cuban Wall' openly weeps in the background. 'PRL' (RODEZ) It's been three long years, but damnit you finally care about me! *Corporate Eyebrow for no particular reason* Now, what The Puerto Rican wants to talk about tonight is...Tha Puerto Rican! See, last Sunday, Tha Puerto Rican woke up, looked at his Corporate Clock and realised that it was Corporate Check-Out Time from the SmackDown Hotel! Luckily, Tha Puerto Rican couldn't afford to stay in the SmackDown Hotel, so Tha Puerto Rican had time to order some Corporate Complimentary Room Service! Tha Puerto Rican wolfed down his Corporate Cereal, supped his Corporate Chocolate Thickshake and jumped in his Corporate Chevy, before proceeding to drive his candy-ass DIRECULEE~! to The Staples Center in Los Angeles, Corporate California! COLE Heh, PRL DOES say Corporate a lot. CABOOSE Shut up, I'm trying to weep here! 'PRL' (RODEZ) And when Tha Puerto Rican arrived, he gathered his Corporate Crew together and he told them that he wanted...no, no...he DEMANDED that at Zero Hour, The Lightning Crew go 3-0! 'PRL' is interrupted, as 'Vitamin X' does the Shane O Mac Shuffle right through his camera shot. COLE Looks like the jungle cat is a little frisky tonight. 'PRL' threatens 'The X-Man' with a backhand slap. 'Vitamin X' cowers away behind a shaking 'Thomas Rodriguez', while 'PRL' gets a re-fill of helium before continuing on. 'PRL' (RODEZ) I demanded the Lightning Crew go 3-0. And damnit, we kinda did! Vitamin X, you laid the Corporate SMACK DOWN~! on John Brickston. Shane O Shuffling forward, 'The X-Man' takes the mic... “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* ...and, guess what's waiting for him. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) Yo, John Brickston, I beat dat sucka...BOOYAH~! I'm the jungle cat baby. I made John Brickston feel the PPOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE~! 'X' Shane O Shuffles over to the ropes and sniffs them. He then Shane O Shuffles back, almost knocking 'Thomas Rodriguez' over in the process. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) I beat that Hack! HACK! HACK! He's a hack and I beat him! Check out my bling, yo, BOOYAH~! and stuff, I'm a jungle cat, I'm the man, look'a me go! *Shane O Shuffle* I'm here...I'm there. I'm a lightning quick, bling bling, jungle cat! 3-0 baby! WOO! Jungl... EVERYONE ELSE SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! 'Vitamin X' seems disappointed for a moment, before he leaps to the middle rope and screams out another BOOYAH~! to mock applause from the fans. COLE HAHAHA! CABOOSE Ugh! This is terrible! 'X' leaps back down. Suddenly, 'PRL' snatches the microphone away. 'PRL' (RODEZ) KNOW YOUR ROLE AND...settle down, would ya. Baloney. The Corporate Champion was Corporate Chuffed with your performance, X-Man. You really are a jungle Corporate Cat...whatever that means. Now, Corporate Cuban Wall. From Corporate Cuba. Smokes Corporate Cuban Cigars. Corporate Cigars. Corporate Cuban Corporate Cigars. Corporate...uhm...okay, I lost my train of thought. Wall, here. 'PRL' hands off the mic to the MONSTROUS~! 'Cuban Wall'. 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) Thank you boss. And might I say, that's a...really nice shirt you're wearing. Really sets off your eyes. And the way you team it with those pants, well it's just really beautiful. Really...beautiful. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican appreciates the compliment, but fells strangely uncomfortable. 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) It's okay to feel that way my friend. Uhh...ANYWAY, what I wanna talk about is Zero Hour. Those two little punks Heat and Fly didn't stand a chance up against me and Mr Boricua. Two huge men. Two huge... muscular... heaving stacks of humanity... a real team... sweating... Quick as a flash, the rest of the 'Lightning Crew' leap in to stop 'Cuban Wall' from indulging anymore of his personal thoughts. The crowd eat it up. CABOOSE Oh, gay jokes, real mature! COLE I love it! CABOOSE Well of course you like it, you're the target audience for this sort of crap. That and the fact it's like they took a chapter right out of your diary and decided to play it out in front of millions of people. COLE (dreamily) One day... 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) What I meant to say of course, was that me and Boricua kicked ass. We're two badass killers! Manly...like two lumberjacks, trapped alone in the forest without a map, cold, lonely, desperate for intimate company. Or...The Navy. We're real men. And we showed Fly and Heat what real men can do! Boricua grabbed Fly by the throat and pulled him close to his body. And that little midget stood there, helpless, choking on Boricua's big... thick... pulsating... throbbing... uhh, hand! Yeah, his hand! He Chokeslammed him down and I leapt right on top of him and did my thing. He was spreadeagle, there was no way he could resis... Freaking out, 'PRL' snatches the microphone away. He turns back to the hard camera, nervously looking behind him for grabbing hands. 'PRL' (RODEZ) That's...that's enough of that I think. Uh...Boricua, any Corporate Comments? 'MR BORICUA' (OTAKU II) Yeah. I, Boricua. GRRR! Boricua SMASH! Little Fly. GGRRRR! Boricua. SQUASH. Fly. GGGRRRRR! Me. Boricua. Me. Dumb. But. Me. GGGGRRRRRRR! Boricua! ... 'MR BORICUA' (OTAKU II) GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" 'Mr Boricua' joins in on the chants, as a despairing 'PRL' takes the microphone back. In the background, 'Vitamin X' shows off some insanely bad dance moves to 'Thomas Rodriguez'. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Well, the main thing is, you won. And that comes to me, Tha Puerto Rican. The man who made it 3-0 at Zero Hour! Sure, Tha Puerto Rican didn't actually BEAT Leon Rodez. Infact, he came within seconds from being an ex-Corporate Champion. But damnit, I still Corporate Count it as a win! I'm riding high! As high as my girly little voice, infact! I triumphantly drew...AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS, TRIUMPHANTLY DREW...with that little baloney Leon Rodez! I am still the 24/7 Corporate Champion. *spins belt* I am...OOOH, LOOKATITSPINEVERYONE~! 'PRL' is strangely entranced by the spinning belt, only continuing once it finishes spinning. 'PRL' (RODEZ) I absorbed fifteen minutes of Leon Rodez kicking my Corporate Carcass on Sunday night. And I stand before you, still, 24/7 Corporate Champion of the OAOAST! THA CORPORATE CHAMP HAS SPO - KUN~! The crowd mockingly boo 'PRL'. 'PRL' (RODEZ) And tonight, I will once again find a way to Corporate Cheat you people out of a Corporate Classic Match. I will Corporate Cower from Corporate Competition until I find a Corporate Cheap way out, because damnit that's the way Tha Puerto Rican takes Corporate Care of business! Tell everyone how great I am Lindsay! Finally, 'Lindsay' gets mic. Favouring her neck from the piggyback stunner that Jade Rodez took at Zero Hour for some unknown reason, wink wink, 'Lindsay' goes into over-acting mode. 'LINDSAY' (JADE) Oh, you are SOOOOO the best PR! You totally kicked Leon Rodez tight tushy at Zero Hour and you deserve to be the 24/7 Champion today because you are just that. You're a real, 24/7 Man! I mean, you've got such amazing stamin to last fifteen whole minutes. Fifteen minutes! You're certainly got more stamina than Boricua, trust me babe. Oh man, and when Leon put that big wet kiss on my lips it was the worst orgasmic feeling I've ever had in my life, nothing compared to you PR! COLE Okay, that was a kinda creepy sentence. CABOOSE It's a death sentence, this whole segment is. 'LINDSAY' (JADE) Only you could really make me feel any better PR...well, maybe X, but he's a little selfish with the foreplay. But you're the BEST PR! You're the manliest man. You're the greatest man. You're the biggest man...except Wall, I guess...but you're close, honest! 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican's gonna cut you right off there 'Lindsay', because he's getting kinda creeped out, but thank you. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) HA! FOREPLAY! HA! BOOYAH~! *Shane O Shuffle* 'PRL' (RODEZ) See, Leon Rodez, I'm a man. You may be an ex-pornstar, but we all know who has the largest Corporate *Cough!*, *COUGH!*, *COUGH!* Excuse me. As Tha Puerto Rican was saying, Leon Rodez, you will never...AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS... NEVER be the 24/7 Corporate Champion! I will lay the smack down on your Corporate Candy ass tonight as well as Corporate Colombian Heat's Corporate Candy ass! All I wanna know is, what are you thinkin' right now. As you look at me, what do you think? When you look at Tha Puerto Rican, the greatest 24/7 Corporate Champion of all time, what's running through your Corporate Cranium? Thomas, what do you think Leon Rodez is gonna do when he sees Tha Puerto Rican next? Nervously, 'Thomas' quivers forward. 'THOMAS RODRIGUEZ' (SPANISH FLY) I... err, I mean... he... uhh... well, I think... he... uhh... he's gonna... kick PRL's... uhh... kick his ass? I mean, that... might be... what happens. And...he might come after... Vitamin X... or... Wall... or... he might come after...ME! And that scares me... because I'm... uhh... just a weak... pathetic... short... lowly referee... I'm really scared... in situations like this... I just hope that... when he gets to me... I don't... pee my pants... 'PRL' (RODEZ) Nobody wants to see that, Thomas. 'THOMAS RODRIGUEZ' (SPANISH FLY) Too late... "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" CABOOSE That offends me greatly! 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) HA! HE PEED HIS PANTS! BOOYAH~! *SHANE O SHUFFLE~!* 'Vitamin X' shuffles across the ring, doing two full circles before finally 'Cuban Wall' punches him unconscious. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican thanks you for that. 'Vitamin X' continues to lie motionless, until suddenly, 'PRL' gives a signal. On cue he gets up as if nothing happened and Fly tears the wig from his head, Rodez pulling off his cheap sunglasses and dropping them to the mat while Heat pulls off some of the ridiculous jewellery from around his neck. RODEZ PRL...consider this a message. We came out here and dangit, we tried oh so hard to parody you guys. But it was tough. After all, how do you parody The Lightning Crew, when The Lightning Crew are simply parodies of themselves? COLE He brings up a good point. CABOOSE He does not!! RODEZ Bottom line is, you are a joke. The Lightning Crew are jokes. And the very fact that on Sunday night you somehow managed to walk away from Zero Hour with the 24/7 Championship still flung over your shoulder despite the fact I clearly had you beaten fair and square, 1, 2, 3, is perhaps the biggest joke in the history of the OAOAST. Well tonight, the joke's on you. Me and Heat are coming after that belt tonight and you might have been able to stave off us seperately, but against two of us you are in big trouble my friend. And tonight, the 24/7 Title comes off your mantle. RODEZ So PRL, WHATCHA GONNA DO when Leon Rodez lays the smackdown on your candy ass, makes you tap out, feel the BANG~!, and the POUUUUNCE~!, Fear The Spear, And that's the Bottom Line, because that's how I roll, junior...if ya SMEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL... that I am 4 Real! OOOWW, Have Mercy because I am, a Wrestling...GAWD~!, guarandamnteed, WOOOOOOO~!, my hands are my weapons, and that's the truth, Ruth! HEY YO~! Fuck Me? No. Fuck You! OOOH YEAH, DIGGIT, because I am the Best There Is, The Best There Was and The Best There Ever Will Be...Trust Me, tonight in this very ring PRL, you will Rest...IN PEACE-UH! I am not a nugget, so you can Suck It! You can't see me, WHAT?, I said you can't see me, WHAT?, I said you can't see me...SUCKAAAAAAA~! Yo yo yo, lemme speak on this, viva la rasa, llllllllllladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I am your next OAOAST 24/7 CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOORRRRRRLLDD!!! PRL, are you ready for the griiiiiiiiind, because after tonight you will never forget the name of... shshshshshshshhsh... LEON RODEZ! But, hey, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. YUR G'ON DUN! YUR G'ON DUN! YUR G'ON DUN... HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Rodez gives the fans a last big thumbs up before flipping the microphone up and over his head, to signal that it's interview over. Leaving the ring, Rodez then leads the way backstage for his fellow bringers of the funny, roared on by the crowd. COLE Well, that was certainly...interesting. CABOOSE Who does this idiot think he is, Pink? Get yourself an identity and stop stealing other people's! COLE That's rich, considering we're talking about Tha Puerto Rican here. CABOOSE Hey, who are you to cast aspersions on Tha Puerto Rican? COLE Oh, boo hoo. Lighten up 'Boose, at least he didn't steal our catchphrases. CABOOSE You don't HAVE a catchphrase, idiot! COLE Oh, MY! CABOOSE ... COLE More HeldDOWN~!, coming up!

What's the difference between a plancha, a topé and a pescado exactly? And anyone who knows the name, both gimmick and description, of the chokehold submission Icarus uses will be forever in my debt.

In the GM's office meanwhile, Axel is ANGRY~! Oh yeah, a lot of effort went into that line people. Anyway, Axel is ANGRY~! because The Upstarts sucked the big one at Zero Hour. And speaking of Upstarts, we're just in time as Bohemoth enters the room. BOHEMOTH You wanted to see m... AXEL Sit down. Axel must be feeling mighty pissed right about now, as the bass in his voice takes the burly bodyguard by surprise. Doing as he's told, Bohemoth does sit down, managing to look cool despite the situation. AXEL So? BOHEMOTH So what? AXEL So what? Bigman, I think you know exactly 'what'. Zack Malibu is the HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion and the buck stops with you. BOHEMOTH Woah, hold up here. I didn't get beat by Zack... AXEL Last time you fought him, you did. But that's not the point I'm making. The specific reason I put you as the referee was because I thought you of all people could handle the job. You're supposed to be Christian's closest and loyalest friend. And yet, despite all that and despite the faith I showed in you, you somehow failed. BOHEMOTH Listen, I hate to talk outta turn here, but the only reason I was reffing was because you didn't book me in a match for the PPV. Sighing, Axel leans back in his seat. AXEL That's not true. BOHEMOTH No? Look, I don't get why you're worked up at me. Zack wins the HI-YAH Heavyweight Title, which means him spending more time in Japan, right? Besides, why I'm top of your hitlist is beyond me. Johnny and Scotty got a match...they lost. Jamie got a match...he lost. Christian got the main event and it was a bunch of crap that caused it, but he lost too. Hell, Ken didn't even have the balls to wrestle his match... Suddenly and without warning, Axel stands up. Defensively Bohemoth does the same and the two big men are face to face for the briefest of brief moments before Bo backs down. AXEL You're treading on thin ice. BOHEMOTH Look, Axel, it ain't my fault, okay? I wasn't gonna count the three. It was all gonna go to plan but Krista screwed it up, she made me count the three, not me. AXEL You're six foot seven, Bo. You're two hundred, eighty four pounds. You're ripped to SHREDS for crying out loud! You're telling me that you, a guy who spends half his working day in that gym out-lifting virtually all the other Upstarts put together, couldn't prevent a hundred fifty something WOMAN from forcing your arm into that mat!?! And you expect me to be satisfied by that? I've got high standards for The Upstarts, Bo. High standards. I don't let just any loser fly this flag... BOHEMOTH (under his breath) Helps if they're related to you. AXEL So here's the deal...no more screw ups. Christian's got his debate tonight with Alix and I want you watching his back. If Krista comes within ten yards of him, you take her out. You getting dominated by a woman again wouldn't do much for that macho image, buddy. If you see so much as a glimpse of Rodez, guy or girl version, deal with them. And if Zack gets involved and tries to return a favour from Zero Hour, I want you to take him out...swiftly and efficiently. You're supposed to be a bodyguard, so guard Christian's body. Got it? BOHEMOTH I've managed okay so far. AXEL And less of the backchat, wouldya? BOHEMOTH ...sure. AXEL Much appreciated. Bohemoth stands up and leaves the room with a sideways glance at Axel, who just shrugs off the conversation and goes back to his ANGER~!

Ending to PRL/Rodez is edited in. Garrison/Lance Cade. *placeholder for actual feedback~!&*

Wanna know why I loved Perfect/Bret? That promo before the match, where instead of putting his opponent down, Perfect did the "You're excellent, but you're not perfect, I am" line and put his opponent over as well as himself. That said, I'm kinda with UTSU. I don't care for Cena and I still like HHH to a point, so it's all good by me. It's the wrong thing to do for business, but darned if it wasn't entertaining.

"Disco Inferno" "DANGER! High Voltage!"

Assuming nothing's changed... OAOAST 24/7 Championship Tha Puerto Rican © vs. Leon Rodez vs. Colombian Heat EDubC, if you need me to help with the match then let me know ASAP. Also, Leon Rodez might have something creative to say towards the Lightning Crew.

You can add D*LUX to the list...Shayne Brave and Tyler Bryant, two wannabee multi-Platinum superstar pop heroes! Shockingly enough, they are faces. And they may or not be created so I can do something with them in the future, I DON'T KNOOOOOOWW!

And Akiyama's looks more damaging than a regular vertical suplex.

Whitmer is bland as hell. One guy I'd never regret seeing a match from again. Makes Benoit and Danielson look like The Rock in charisma and a complete one move wonder...and even that looks terrible most of the time. Shoulda dumped him when Maff went.

PRL/Rodez is in and I'm afraid it's another long'un, people.

If you get nothing from me Sunday night, I'll be in a gutter somewhere but I'll be back Monday as usual, so just leave a spot for me. Hopefully you'll get something on time anyway though, so this is just a warning.

I suggest everyone read PRL's segment now it's in. We knows how to do PPV build, people!

Just a note for Max and/or Muzz, I'm gonna be away over the weekend as pretty much is usual. If there's something in my PM box on Sunday night that I can get Monday morning (GMT, natch) then I'll have time to finish it off no problem.

-ANOTHER- Update I know, I know.. Smarks Board Name: King Cucaracha Wrestlers Name: Landon Maddix Nickname(s): 'La Cucaracha' (between names), 'The Next Generation' Height: 5'10" Weight: 215lbs 'Hometown': Huron, South Dakota by way of Madrid, Spain. Age: 22 Face/Heel: Tweener, man. Stable: The Galacticos (aka Two Skinny White Guys) w/Michael Stephens Ring Escort: Megan Skye Weapon(s): Megan Skye's Towel Quotes/Sayings: "Prepare for Landon" "I/We Always Have A Plan!" Taunts: Generic Heel Taunts of doom. Looks: Caucasian. Blonde hair down to about shoulder length, which he's far too proud of as a male. Youthful looking, 'loveable' if not for his attitude. Put on a bit more muscle and improved his all round physical condition as a result. Out of the ring, Landon likes to dress quite smart, although his taste in fashion is slightly questionable. Ring Attire- Back to the shorts, red with yellow trim around the waist and leg bottoms, with a yellow block connecting the two on the left side and a yellow 'LM' on the right. Black kneepads and elbowpads, black boots with red kickpads. Taped wrists. Entrance Attire- Long, black, sleeveless leather jacket that reaches to the back of his knees. Has an elaborate little design on the back which really doesn't need describing, more than it being 'Spanish' and having the words 'La Cucaracha' on. Basic Ring Entrance: (Chop and change as needed) "Tell me exactly, what am I supposed to do Now that I have allowed you, to beat me! Do you think that we could play another game Maybe I could win this ti-ime." "I kinda like the misery you put me through Darling you can trust me, completely! If you even try to look the other way I think that I could kill this ti-ime!" "The Game" by Disturbed hits, as from behind the curtain steps Megan Skye, heralding the arrival of Landon who stops at the top of the ramp and thrusting his hands out to his side to boos. Landon likes to be the centre of attention and he'll make a grandious entrance, taunting and posturing as and when needed. ***FUNYON'S INTRO*** Landon leaps to the apron, looking out at the crowd as Megan climbs the steps. Megan holds open the ropes and Landon bounds into the ring, spinning himself into the centre of the ring HBK style and posing with Megan. Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 2 (Enough to comfortably throw fellow cruisers. 235/240 is probably his limitation. The muscle is as much for show as it is for lifting people.) Speed: 6 (Still speedy. Quick on his feet and slippery when it comes to flipping out of and countering moves/attacks. Speed of moves is also pretty quick. He cut down on the flying for a while on advice from stablemates but with them gone, he's more likely to throw some caution to the wind. He was never good at that 'serious wrestler' stuff.) Vitality: 6 (As his nickname would suggest (La Cucaracha=The Cockroach), Maddix is a stubborn sunnuva gun. Can, has and generally will take a beating. But he'll generally make a comeback regardless. More than capable in hardcore and other 'gruelling' gimmick matches. Oh, and he's gone an hour before, so has solid conditioning.) Charisma: 6 (He's cocky, he's brash...and he knows how to throw an insult or ten. Ever since he got back with Megan, Landon's ego has re-risen to it's old levels and he's back to trash talking and posing. He's also a natural, grandious showman.) Style: US Junior Heavyweight, Striker/Submission wrestler, with some Lucha thrown in for good measure. Signature moves: -> Crash Landon '05- Alex Shelley's Shell Shock. Starts off like a regular Downward Spiral/Flatliner. Maddix then leans the opponent back in STO direction, before whipping himself back, with about a 90 degree twist before the opponent lands face-first. Capable of scoring an out of nowhere victory with and less risk than the regular Crash Landon, but not quite finisher strength. -> ¡Buenas Noches!- KENTA's Go 2 Sleep. Fireman's Carry thrown into a knee strike to the face. For those he can actually get in a fireman's carry. -> Complete Shot- Traps the head and the arm from the side, before dropping back, driving the opponent face-first to the mat...all in quick order. Hassan's finisher, also used by Christopher Daniels. Maddix is quick enough for this to be a counter to a clothesline, palm strike or other strikes of the manner. -> Lungblower- Carlito's Backcracker, cup the hands under the neck from behind, leap and bring the opponent spine first down across the knees. Can also be done off the middle rope onto a standing opponent if something flashy is required. -> Laberinto's Revenge- Sitout Sliced Bread #2/Shiranui aka The Contra Code, for you fellow indy marks. -> Cucaracha Kick- Spinning Gamengiri. Usually needs a proper run-up. -> Swandive Headbutt -> Spaceman Plancha- The adventurous side of Landon is a little more prominent, but he's still not going to use this every match. 'Common' Moves: -> Wet Cement- (Front facelock applied from the front with a body scissors. Opponent is usually seated. Blatantly and shamelessly stolen from former rival Tom Flesher.) -> Landon Eye- (Eye Of The Hurricane/Final Cut.) -> Macho Neck Snap- (Savage style, leap over the rope and out of the ring, bringing the throat of the opponent down across the top rope. OOOH YEAH!) -> Perfect Neck Snap- (Hennig style.) -> Samoan Drop -> Mushroom Stomp -> Dropsault -> Knifedge Chops -> Kawada Kicks- (Amongst their various training tactics, JJ and Jay decided to introduce Landon to Puro. And once he got over the confusion, Landon found something he could steal. On a doubled over opponent, Landon grabs the opponent by the hair and fires quick, unprotected kicks into their face. All hail the kickpads!) -> Dragon Kicks- (Kicks to the spine of a seated opponent.) -> Forearm Strikes/Flying Forearm/Leaping Forearm Smash/Diving Forearm In The Corner- (Forearm-fu! Forearms are the staple of Landon's offence, ala Danny's elbows. Only, not so powerful.) -> Get Licked- (Dropkick to a seated opponent in the corner, aimed to basically land on their face and smush it against the bottom turnbuckle. Sometimes becomes a double bootscrape with Landon going through the middle and bottom ropes.) -> Double Stomp/Back Senton- (An instantanious combo, with Maddix dropping straight off the double stomp and into the back senton.) -> Frog Splash -> Quebrada -> Cravats- 3/4 chancre, speciality of Chris Hero. Oh, God, you will get SICK of these! Landon's never been a good chain wrestler and even now, he's only 'competent'. In his lessons, Hawke made the mistake of teaching Landon the cravat. And now, whenever Landon's lost in a match, he'll grab a cravat. It's like his comfort blanket. The thing is, they're like headlocks. They don't do a whole lot of damage and they're just as irritating. Cocky again, Landon will sometimes throw on a cravat just to mess with the opponent or the fans. Once it's locked in, Landon might mix things up and actually do something with it. Might. Rare moves: -> Crash Landon- With Landon on the middle rope, and the opponent stood in front of him on the mat, a Tornado Downward Spiral. Maddix's former #1 finisher, it's been deemed surplus to requirements by Hawke and JJ in favour of playing the averages. The risk isn't worth the result. BUT, Maddix will still use it sometimes because he's stubborn like that. If he does, on a rare occasion use it, it's still Finisher strength...but still not instant 100% doom. -> The Wrath Of Maddix- Figure Four Leglock. He's not devoted enough to the move to work the legs, unless it happens for him. A submission move is a submission move though. -> Tombstone Piledriver- Landon isn't the strongest wrestler in the world, making this a rare move. Also more of a 'Japanese' swift execution than a slow death-move. Busted out in a fix when a headdrop is required and never really premeditated. -> Spanish Execution- Cruiser Killer. Cross Legged Owen Driver '97 aka Quackendriver II. A 'regular' sitout tombstone, but with the legs crossed like a figure four and held with one hand for added spike. This one is premeditated, but Landon is no longer psycho enough to use it at the drop of a hat. The rarest of the rare moves, this is my ultra-mega mass homicide, do not use without asking me first, death move. Finishers: 1) Submission- Land of Nod- Dragon Clutch. The new primary finisher, Maddix has been working on perfecting this move to get maximum effect from it, in a further attempt to 'hang' with the submission favouring main eventers. It's very effective at any time in the match against those at 5 vitality or less. A little neckwork though and it could put the finishing touches to anyone. It's not impossible to escape and it's not OMG INSTA DEATH~!, but it is effective. 2) Striking- Shining Wizard- B-Boy 'knee you in the mu'fu'face' style, rather than the boring 'knee you in the back of the head/side of the ear' style. More for 'out of nowhere' victories or if the Land Of Nod doesn't work. Notes: Maddix has never, ever, been a technical wrestler of any note. Ever. But as his form dipped during 2005, Maddix realised he had flaws in his arsenal that just had to be filled. Luckily, his newfound friends Jay Hawke and JJ Johnson were there to help. Maddix wasn't a bad striker, but with help from former UFC fighter JJ he's improved even on that. Meanwhile, submission specialist Hawke has taken on the unenviable task of teaching Maddix to...you know, wrestle. The result is that Maddix has learnt the basic ins and outs of submission wrestling too. He's better, 'ish'. Now he's split from JJ and Jay and got back with Megan, Landon's feeling more like the 2003 version of himself. When he needs to he can now wrestle to a higher standard, but he just loves to show off. He never enjoyed the technical wrestling and only really did it to improve his chance of success, something which is now taken care of by association with Megan. He'll also, once more, cheat up a storm should the idea take his fancy, even if his new partnership with Michael Stephens means the fans are lightening up towards him again. Bio: PM me if really needed. Commentary Note: Despite the heel turn, Suicide King still HATES Maddix. There's a little bit of in-ring and a bunch of out of the ring history there that I don't really need to go in-depth into. But King just plain hates Maddix. So Maddix is one heel the heel comentator won't route for. He'll give nothing more than begrudging praise. -------------------------- And, his manager... Smarks Board Name: King Cucaracha Wrestlers Name: Megan Skye Nickname(s): The Perfect 10 (or Landon's perfect 10 more specifically) Height: 5'10" Weight: 150lbs Hometown: Pawtucket, RI Age: 26 Face/Heel: Heel Stable: None Ring Escort: Landon Maddix Weapon(s): Towel Quotes/Sayings: "I always have a plan." Looks: The 'generic blonde', I guess. Medium length blonde hair, big blue eyes, captivating smile and ample cleavage. They're real though. I guess the closest wrestling comparison would be Trish Stratus. In the ring, she'll generally wear some sort of leather pants. If you've got it, flaunt it, as the kids say. Matching leather top too. Wears elbow and knee pads just for safety's sake. Black fingerless gloves on the hands, and her choice of brand-name trainers. Out of the ring, she dresses pretty casually normally, but in the right situation she'll glam up. Again, think Trish I guess. ---SINGLES INFO--- Basic Ring Entrance: *shrug* Stats: ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 1 (Basic female strength of, say, Trish Stratus. She can wrestle and lift your average female/the really scrawny Cruisers. Above that though and she'll struggle, as she's only recently begun actual wrestling training.) Speed: 4 (Pretty quick, with a lot of her offense based on speed. Nimble too, as she's been working somewhat on footwork. Her Nike trainers help with mobility.) Vitality: 3 (Not a full-time wrestler. And a girl. OMGSECKSISM! She's not used to take physical abuse either, so most moves will put her down.) Charisma: 7 (She can talk and she loves being a bitch.) Moves: She's got a few if she's ever put in an actual match. As far as what you need to know, here are the main ones that she might rarely show off outside of a match. -> Skye Dive- Top Rope Crossbody. -> The Skye Is The Limit- Sweet Shin Music and a DDT -> Kickboxing Offence- Yes, Megan can kickbox. Betcha didn't know that, eh? Yeah. Quick jabs and kicks are the staple of Megan's offence, as she can hit and move to hopefully avoid actually...you know, wrestling, more experienced opponents. -> Chick Kick- Not exactly kick-boxing. Hard roundhouse kick to the head which does considerable damage. -> Skye Rocket- Top Rope Crossbody, only with Maddix throwing Megan from the top, Rocket Launcher style. -> Skye Lyte- Tornado DDT. Notes: Gets a high-flying style from Maddix, while she does know the basics of technical wrestling from her days with Todd Royal. Oh, and of course she can kick-box. Don't be fooled though, Megan is no Annie Eclectic or Andrea Montgomery. She's very much a valet. Or, should that be manager? Megan's been in the business for a long time and she's not just a pretty face. She's a buxom blonde, but she's a smart one and she's very much the brains behind the Megan/Maddix operation. Without her, Landon's career hit the skids. With her, he's won numerous titles. You do the math. Megan sees herself as a manager and she always has a plan, but if that plan goes wrong she won't be afraid to interject herself however she sees fit. Oh and she enjoys being a bitch. She's been the 'nice girl' for a year or two now and shes's gotten sick of it. Bio: Megan Skye was possibly the only person other than Todd Royal and Landon who believed/believes Royal's hype and was dubbed the one and only "Toddess". She led Todd and subsquently Landon through the SJL and into the SWF, until Royal left. Megan stayed with Landon though and the 'dream team' worked, leading Landon to numerous titles. Their business partnership with Chris Card and Natasha didn't work out though, to say the least. Heroic Landon saved Megan from a beating from Card and suddenly, the fans got behind Landon and, for the first time, Megan. However, when Martial Law came along, the partnership between Megan and Landon became strained. Megan came romantically entangled with Todd Cortez (must be a name thing, huh?) which didn't sit too well with Landon, who only found out after he thought he'd slept with Megan but actually hadn't. Landon and Megan went their seperate ways and Megan led Cortez against her longtime former associate. Megan's on screen role diminished as time went on though and sure enough, when the Cortez/Megan relationship fell apart, Megan found herself back by Landon's side...and, this time, in his bed too. It's been a while since Megan's days alongside Royal and her bad girl days with Landon, but now she's getting back into the swing of being a bitch again and damn, it feels good!