Llakor

Friday, February 2nd, 2007 It's a Cinderella Story The Rock N' Cock Express won a four-way scramble tag match at Praise the Violence, pinning Franky the Mobster and Kevin Steen. This victory makes them the Number One Contenders for Mean and Green's IWS tag team titles. Will Twiggy and Pornstar Juan's Cinderella story continue? Or will Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom kill them dead? Not that I don't have total confidence in Twiggy and Pornstar Juan to continue their unlikely and miraculous victory streak... but I will be accepting donations for the "Buy Twiggy and Juan a Coffin" fund. Friday, February 2nd, 2007 Conversations With Manny "So, Llakor, how do you REALLY feel about Paranoid Jake Matthews?" "I'm guessing that you got your copy of Praise the Violence." "Yes, but there ia also a clip is also up on You-Tube." "WHAT? HOLY CRAP!" "Yeah, it's here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gpY-AkRJDc " "Heh. Jake is pointing to himself when I call him..." "Say it. Say it." "What?" "I want to hear you say SCUM!" "I am not a performing seal." "Say it and I'll tell you who Viking is wrestling for the title." "You're not putting Jake Matthews against Viking!" "DAMN! How do you do that?" "Viking is going to kick his ass. That shovel-wielding maniac's reign of terror is OVER!" "Yeah, sure he is. Look as you know, I'm putting on the biggest show of the year, March 24th at the Medley. Little show I like to call Un FUCKING Sanctioned. I have big plans for that show... and they don't include Viking as champion. So that shovel-waving maniac is going to take Viking out." "Keep telling yourself that you drugged out control freak." "Llakor, you say the nicest things. Where's my FUCKING profile?" "I'm doing you after I do Twiggy and Juan." "I'm your boss, and I want my profile NOW!" "Yeah, yeah, what's the stipulation for Viking vs. Jake Matthews?" "It's a mystery." "How do you expect the fans to find out the stipulation if you don't tell me." "I don't." "OK. Now I'm confoozled." "You, find out, the fans find out and most importantly Viking finds out during Violent Valentine Feb 17th at Bogey's." "I see. I take it that Jake Matthews finds out then as well?" "Uh. No. Doofus. I already told Jake Matthews. He's going to be plenty ready to take Viking apart, but Viking will have no idea what's waiting for him. Get ready to call Jake Matthews champion, Llakor." "BASTARD!" "Again with the sweet talk. Get back to writing my profile." Saturday, February 3rd, 2007 Dan Paysan Offers an Opportunity You Can't Refuse "I consider myself a fighting champion," IWS Canadian Champion Dan Paysan told me this morning. "And part of being a fighting champion is giving people opportunities. I remember when I first started in the IWS, I had to fight for everything. I had to prove myself. So, I remember what it's like to be the new guy. When you feel like you have to have the Match of the Night every single show, just to stay on the roster." "Last year, I don't think that there was any question that Stupefied was the IWS Rookie of the Year. So, I have decided to give the rook the opportunity of a lifetime. On February 17th at Violent Valentine, I will put my IWS Canadian title on the line. Stupefied has a chance to step up and prove himself, but I am not letting go of this title easily. I am opening the door for Stupefied, but if he wants this belt, MY BELT, he is going to have to go through me, he is going to have to TAKE IT. Because I plan on being the fighting IWS Italian-Canadian champion for a long time." I think the thing that I admire the most about Dan Paysan is that he still believes that he has to have the Match of the Night every single time that he wrestles in the IWS. Sunday, February 4th, 2007 A Tale of Two Tag Teams In one corner, you have UWA Hardcore's Team Checkmate. Pulling off smooth double teams, hitting and running like a well oiled machine, a team that looks and acts as one. In fact, they are a team that looks like a championship calibre team. Last month at Praise the Violence 2007, they gave Kevin Steen and Franky the mobster FITS. There is an argument to be made that if Team Checkmate hadn't wrestled a grueling match the night before at UWA Hardcore and if Chris Bishop wasn't still nursing some nagging injuries related to the drunken driver who plowed into his car last year, that Team Checkmate could have taken the "Mobbed and Dangerous" team of Steen and Franky. (Certainly, Twiggy and Pornsatr Juan owe them a big assist for grinding down Franky and Steen, giving the Rock N' Cock Express the opening to score their miraculous fluke win.) In the other corner you have... Hi-5? "Whoa, whoa, whoa, like LE WHOA." "Oh hi. It's Kid Kamikaze everybody." "You have to explain something to me Llakor. Haven't I made it perfectly clear that I have no interest in teaming with Beef Wellington?" "Yup." "Didn't Beef wrestle a stupid Kustody of Kim Kamikaze Kontest against Vanessa Kraven last month and didn't he LOSE that match to Vanessa Kraven?" "Yup." "So, please explain to me what the hell I am doing teaming with Beef Wellington this month." "Cupcakes." "What the hell are you gibbering about little man." "Understand it wasn't my decision. I was just in the room. Beef came while Manny was holding a meeting to make plans for Un F'N Sanctioned and Violent Valentine. Beef lobbied for this match: Hi-5 vs Team Checkmate. And he brought cupcakes." "Cupcakes." "Yup. With Vanilla and chocolate icing spread to look like cow spots. And he made them with Splenda, so I could actually eat them, which was thoughtful." "I don't believe this. You can get matches booked in this fed by bribing Manny with baked goods." "To be fair, they were really good cupcakes. And he didn't bribe Manny." "The Comissioner Andy Rosetti? Figures. That fat..." "Actually, it was Paul. Andy's son. Beef talked him into convincing his father to book the match." "I am disgusted." "So, you planning on tanking the match?" "Hell, no. I'm just trying to figure out if there is a way that I can make Bishop, Knight and Beef all tap all at the same time. And if my partner taps to me at the same time as my two opponents tap to me, do I still win the match." "Interesting question. I have no idea, but good luck with that strategy." "It won't be any different than any other Hi-5 match. Beef was always making jokes and I was the one doing all the hard work and winning the damn matches. This won't be any different. I am the only guy in the IWS to win a match despite having that Cow-obsessed goof ball as his partner and at Violent Valentine, I am just going to have to prove it all over again." Monday, February 5th, 2007 EXesS' Next Victim... I Mean Opponent After knocking off a Maritimes rookie and a gay magician, EXesS has turned his sights to a new challenge: Quebec indy joshi Stefany. For more info about Stefany consult her site: http://www.stefany.ca/ This is not intended to be a knock on Stefany, but it is striking that when EXesS decided to challenge a woman to wrestle that he bypassed Vanessa Kraven, Misty Haven and Kacey Diamond all of whom were voted into the list of Top 50 Quebec wrestlers alongside the men and headed right for a candidate who as much experience managing as wrestling... Actually if I was Joey Soprano, I would start to get worried that EXesS might start looking in my direction. Full Preview tomorrow or Wednesday... Violent Valentine Card to Date IWS Title Match (Mystery Stipulation): "Paranoid" Jake Matthews vs. Champion Viking IWS Tag Team Title match: Number One Contenders Rock N' Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. Champions Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) IWS Canadian Title Match Stupefied vs. Champion Dan Paysan EXesS Open Challenge Match: EXesS vs. Stefany Hi-5 (Beef Wellington & Kid Kamikaze) vs. Team Checkmate (Vhris Bishop & Lionel Knight) The IWS presents: Violent Valentine, Saturday, February 17th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8:30pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] . The IWS proudly presents: Un F’N Sanctioned, Saturday, March 24th, 2007, at the beautiful downtown Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Already signed for Un F'N Sanctioned is "The Battle for 2.0" between tag partners Shane Matthews and Jagged. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9 pm. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online FRIDAY, January 26th at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office or live at our next show Violent Valentine. 18+. Card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] .

When We Were Marks Giving the Rub Every successful promotion has at least one guy like him. He is the guy that never quite makes it to the main event, or at least not for long. He is never given the big strap to wear. He putters around the mid-card. And yet, everyone remembers his feuds, and his matches. You compile a list of his opponents and they all seem to end up stars after facing him. He is the guy that the hotshot rookies always face on their rocket-propelled trip to the top. He is the guy that takes those rookies, and smoothes out their rough edges. He is the guy that gives them the rub. In NWA or WCW, he was Arn Anderson, always content to stay in Ric Flair’s shadow. But to face Ric Flair, to climb the mountain, you had to go through Arn Anderson first. Or he was Kevin Sullivan, booking his own divorce by pairing Chris Benoit with his wife Nancy aka Woman. Or he was Raven, pushing both DDP and Chris Benoit up the card at the same time, and elevating (almost) every member of his Flock from nobodies to recognizeable names. In the WWF, well there are lots of names that come to mind. Tony Garea, who could tag with anyone and make them look good… and probably help them win the WWF tag team titles along the way. In an era when no team had ever won the WWF tag team titles more than twice, Tony Garea won five tag team titles with four different partners – Haystacks Calhoun, Dean Ho, Larry Zbyszko, and Rick Martel twice. Four completely different wrestlers, each with different styles and personalities. Or he was Fit Finlay, almost single-handedly building the career of the best female WWF wrestler of her generation, Trish Stratus. Not to mention, making an improbable comeback where he helped make Booker look like a King and helped Batista look like a champion. Or he was Jake “The Snake” Roberts, who seemed incapable of having nothing less than the most memorable feuds in wrestling. Whether it was DDTing Ricky Steamboat on concrete, or Earthquake crushing Damian into snake burgers, or betraying the Ultimate Warrior so badly that the muscle-bound oaf disappeared from the WWF, or being blinded by Rick Martel’s “Arrogance”, or going berserk when Rick Rude exhibited the image of Jake’s wife Cheryl painted onto his tights, or crashing “Macho Man” Randy Savage’s wedding and getting a cobra to bite Randy on the face, although, according to legend, “Macho Man” proved more poisonous than the cobra given that it died of toxic shock shortly after biting Randy. Jake was perhaps the most dangerous wrestler in the WWF, combining his take no prisoners attitude, his snakes and his signature move, the DDT, considered a killer move until Jake’s WrestleMania match against the Undertaker. Jake proved too much for Hulk Hogan, who cut short a feud with Jake, because Roberts was getting cheered more than he was. Neither Andre the Giant’s size nor Ted DiBiase’s money were a match for Jake. Despite being involved in some of the most memorable feuds in the history of the WWF, despite being arguably the most important mid-card wrestler ever to perform in the WWF, Jake “the Snake” Roberts never won a WWF title. At least Ted DiBiase, another guy who helped propel many a career to the top, had his main event at WrestleMania, his title run with IRS as tag team champions, his Million Dollar Belt, and his thirty seconds of bliss when he thought that he had bought the WWF title from Andre the Giant, before Jack Tunney started invoking the rule book. Jake’s most important match came when he made his comeback to the WWF as a born again preacher with a snake named Revelations, and in a Cinderella story fought all the way to the King of the Ring Finals… only to lose to… Stone Cold Steve Austin. A true passing of the torch match as Austin’s new loner gimmick and bad attitude seemed borrowed straight from Jake. In fact, Austin’s 3:16 speech, probably the most important promo in the history of wrestling… or at least the most profitable based on merchandise sold, that entire promo was a reaction to Jake’s preacher gimmick. In this case, Jake’s rub was worth millions, possibly billions.. Every successful promotion needs at least one guy like him. In the International Wrestling Syndicate, his name is Fred la Merveille. Fred started with the IWS in January of 2002 at Season’s Beatings 2001 (so-called because there was another Season’s Beatings in December of 2002) as a comedy jobber brought in to face the heel IWS champion, the Green Phantom. Unlike some of the other jobbers that the Green Phantom had brought in to face him, Fred immediately made a connection with the sometimes-difficult IWS crowd, mocking the Green Phantom’s mannerisms to the crowd’s delight. This performance and the approval of the crowd earned Fred a permanent roster spot, but Fred immediately turned on the fans at Violent Valentine 2002, coming to the ring dressed as a policeman and announcing in French that he was now the IWS Language Police. Technically, Fred was a heel and acted like one, but right from the start Fred had a vocal minority of French fans prepared to cheer his every move. The same way that Bret Hart divided fans in the WWF with his Anti-American rhetoric, Fred divided fans of the IWS in Quebec with his Anti-Anglo rhetoric. To a certain extent, you can point to Fred’s debut as a beginning of the maturity of the IWS. No longer was the promotion to be divided in easy to define terms of pure heroes and pure villains. Fred was the first wrestler to stand firmly in both camps, our first anti-hero. In the same way, Fred represented a new maturity to how we handled the French/English divide. Rather than ignore the division, the IWS would make it part of their storylines. Rather than ask French wrestlers to speak English, we would tell them to speak French, confident that our fans could figure it out. This decision was also great for business as French Quebecois fans who previously ignored the IWS, now began to sit up and take notice. They began to talk about the IWS, and most importantly, they began to buy tickets. At Body Count 2003, Fred made his first giant step towards giving other wrestlers the rub by rehabilitating the careers of the Angry Aryans. Damian and Viking had been stuck in a vile racist gimmick that had run its course. After Viking was set on fire, at Freedom to Fight 2003, while the crowd chanted “Burn Nazi Burn!”, there was no way to move forward with Damian and Viking as the Angry Aryans. Fred fixed that by bringing the two men out, and telling them that they were not racists; they did not really hate Blacks and Jews; they just hated people who did not speak French, which, in Quebec at least, is an acceptable hatred. Fred named his stable, the SLI, the Syndicat de Lutte Internet, a French translation of the Internet Wrestling Syndicate, our name before we changed it to the International Wrestling Syndicate in 2005. They were immediately divisive as two thirds of the audience began singing Oh Canada to support the SLI’s first opponents, Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze) and the remaining third began singing a patriotic Quebec folk-song. Hi-5 were supposed to be the bad guys, a team of boy band loving technical wrestlers, but facing the SLI, the crowd made them heroes so quick that Beef Wellington complained that it gave him whip-lash. This match began an on-again, off-again feud between Beef and Fred that would continue through Hi-5’s loss of the tag team titles, and the break-up of Hi-5. It would include Fred seducing Beef’s girlfriend Elsa Bangz into the SLI, and would finally culminate at Know Your Enemies 2004 in a Quebec Rules match which Fred defined as making illegal all of Beef’s most effective moves including his top rope Ass Punch and his E, Coli pile driver. This feud helped make Beef the fan favourite he remains to this day. Fred’s one and only main event match was at [blBlood, Sweat and Beers 2004[/b] against the then IWS champion, Kevin Steen. The feud was based on Fred calling out Kevin for forgetting his roots. According to Fred, Kevin was so eager to be accepted by American fans and American promotions, that Kevin had forgotten that he was French. The odd thing about this feud was that it headlined the second ever IWS event to be filmed by Mike Burns of Smart Marks Video for distribution in the U.S. It seemed like promotional suicide to have the main event revolve around a local Quebec concern and for the promos leading up to it to all be in French. On the other hand, there could be no denying the passion of a pissed-off Fred abandoning his comedy schtick to give Kevin Steen a serious challenge. The match elevated both men, along with Damian who saved Kevin’s bacon when he interfered late in the match and betrayed Fred. Fred’s emotional feud with Damian consumed the IWS until their final confrontation at Un F’N Sanctioned 2005. After disposing of Fred, Damian set his targets on Kevin Steen in a series of violent matches that left Quebec fans with the quandary of which of their fights was the true match of the year for 2005. After his loss to Damian, Fred regrouped by returning to the past and rekindling a feud with his old foe, Beef Wellington. Their match at Freedom to Fight 2005 at the historic ECW Arena, Viking Hall, in Philadelphia, was one of the most memorable on the card, or in Fred’s career. After Fred tried to cut a promo in French and got booed down, Beef. found himself being backed by the crowd, who cheered him on with “U.S.A.” chants, much to Beef’s surprise. By the end of the match, Fred had won over the crowd with the quality of his wrestling, and he found himself being cheered with “Please Come Back” chants. Buoyed by this American support, one year after head-lining the IWS as head of the SLI, Fred dissolved the SLI and formed, in its place, the SLI-USA, at Blood, Sweat and Beers 2005. Fred returned to his comedy roots, dressing like Uncle Sam, trying to speak in fractured English and mangling the US National anthem, worse than any singer before him. He also turned on his long-time ally, Viking, and took under his wing IWS rookies, Maxime Boyer, Shayne Hawke and Jagger W. Bush. Viking’s feud with the SLI-USA propelled him to the top of the IWS and led directly to his feud with IWS champion, EXesS, voted as the 2006 Quebec Feud of the Year. Once Viking won the IWS title, like Damian he turned his sights on Kevin Steen. Their bloody brawl at Hardcore Heat 2006 was voted 2006 Quebec Match of the Year. Like Viking and Damian before him, Maxime Boyer found himself at odds with Fred la Merveille, and like those two before him, once having disposed of Fred, Max found himself at the top of the IWS, in a competitive but friendly feud with the IWS champion, Viking, that saw the two teaming together almost as often as they fought against one another. Before the SLI-USA was dismantled first by Viking, and then by Maxime Boyer, Fred had a memorable albeit brief feud with Player Uno based around the violence found in video games. They clashed at Devil’s Night 2005. It is probably pure coincidence that following that match, Player Uno seemed like a totally different wrestler, using fewer moves, but hitting those moves with a new vicious attitude. Doing more with less. A new strategy that only impressed the fans, but lead directly to Uno’s run as IWS Canadian champion. The most recent man to feud with Fred la Merveille is his former protégé, Shayne Hawke. “Le Maudit Roux” recruited Above Standards, Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze, to help him beat Fred. This was an effective, if shortsighted move, Above Standards are cheap muscle. Those two losers would sell their souls for a ham sandwich. On the other hand, beating on Fred three on one is exactly the tactic that would make Fred take you seriously. As many others have learned in the past, Fred is never more dangerous than when, in a fit of anger, he ditches his comedy schtick, rolls up his sleeves and gets serious. Fred is not without his resources and he is not without allies. And in a real fight, Above Standards have all the staying power of a Popsicle in a sauna. On the gripping hand, maybe that “Damned Red-Head” Shayne Hawke has learned the most important lesson in fighting Fred la Merveille. Beating Fred la Merveille is not so important as fighting him. Almost everyone who confronts Fred ends up higher on the IWS card afterwards. Shayne is just ambitious enough to throw himself under the Fred la Merveille bus, confident that no matter the result, it can only improve his career. Like Beef Wellington, Kevin Steen, Damian, Viking, Maxime Boyer and Player Uno before him, Shayne Hawke is ready to fight Fred la Merveille. He is ready for his rub. I also wrote about Fred la Merveille in the article When We Were Marks: Fred la Merveille, the SLI-USA and the New Crusade. It can be found here: http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=27752 . It reads like a rough first draft for this article, but it is worth checking out for the secret origin of Player Uno.

Montreal professional wrestler, El Generico, will be heading to Europe in late April to represent Canada in two prestigious wrestling tournaments: the King of Europe Cup in Liverpool, England on April 28th and 29th and wXw’s !6 Karat Gold tournament to be held in Essen, Germany from May 4th to 6th. It is always a huge professional compliment to be invited to cross the Atlantic to wrestle. In the harsh meritocracy of professional wrestling, no promoter will purchase a plane ticket unless he is convinced that the fans will pay to see you wrestle. In this case, El Generico is the only wrestler from Canada invited to these two tournaments. So he is representing not just his home promotion, the International Wrestling Syndicate, not just his city, Montreal, but his entire adopted country. This invitation continues the momentum from a very successful 2006 campaign for El Generico. He ended the year as one half of the California tag team champions Cape Fear with California native Quicksilver. He was voted California’s Outstanding Wrestler of the Year for 2006. Cape Fear was voted California’s tag team of the year and El Generico’s match against Pac, "The Man That Gravity Forgot", tied for match of the year. In addition, wrestling magazine Pro Wrestling Illustrated placed him 294 on their PWI 500 list, the highest rating for a wrestler from Quebec in nearly ten years. To mark this occasion, I have decided to write a little retrospective of the history of El Generico. When We Were Marks That Rudolph Moment There will come a time during the King of Europe Cup, or the 16 Karat Gold tournament when El Generico will find himself in difficulty, find himself trapped - facing a pin-fall, or being forced to tap the mat to admit defeat. When that moment happens, the last thing that El Generico will feel is fear. It is always a thrill to be invited to travel to Europe to wrestle; it will be an even bigger thrill to represent Canada. So there will be an adrenaline, but there will be no fear. El Generico has already faced his fears; conquered his demons; won the biggest match of his life, but to explain that I will have to explain how a red-headed Mexican street urchin became El Generico. He grew up in the streets of Tijuana, dreaming of becoming a professional wrestler, a luchador. He scrimped and saved (and stole) enough to pay for training in a dojo, a professional wrestling gym. There he learned the traditions and rules of lucha libre, professional wrestling. In Mexico, lucha libre is codified, encrusted by years of traditions and rules building one upon the other. The young red-headed Mexican who would become El Generico honoured those traditions, but at the same time he thirsted for more. Watching bootleg wrestling tapes with his fellow students, he saw moves that they were simply not being taught, like the Yakuza kick, where an opponent was thrown into the corner so that you run and kick him in the face as hard as you could, or the brain-buster, where you lifted your opponent into the air as if for a vertical suplex, but instead of rotating your opponent down to the mat on to his back, you dropped him straight down to the mat onto his head. When he saw these moves, he knew that if he could master them, he could win in the ring and more importantly, he knew that mastering these moves would make him cool. And at that age, being cool seemed more important than life itself. One day, he had an exhibition match against one of his fellow students, and in a moment of rash brilliance he attempted and succeeded in properly executing the Yakuza kick and the brain-buster. He won the match… and he damn near killed his opponent. After the match, still flushed with excitement, he waited for his trainer to criticize his technique. This battered, grizzled veteran, known as the Tijuana Toros for the bull’s head mask that he had once worn, and for his legendary stubbornness, looked at his rash, red-haired student and asked quietly, “Are you pleased with yourself?” The future El Generico flushed and unable to speak, simply nodded. The Tijauan Toros looked at him for a second, and then with a wave of his hand, said, “Get out of my gym. Get out of my city. Get out of my country. You will never be a luchador. You will never wrestle lucha libre. Get out.” Broken, banished, banned. He fled north, leaving behind family and friends, searching for somewhere where there was room to be different. He fled north. In time, he stopped running. He found himself in Montreal. Actually, just north of Montreal, in a Greek suburb called Chomedey, Laval. Amongst the Greeks he found a refuge and he eked out a living as an itinerant busboy and dishwasher working for cash and staying one step ahead of the immigration officials. He looked for a teacher to finish his training and he searched for a promotion to begin his career. Montreal was filled to the gills with wrestling promotions. Every church basement seemed to host one. But he was caught by the rookie’s catch-22: no-one would hire someone who had never wrestled in public before, but to wrestle in public he would need to be hired. One day, he cleared the table of two brothers from Peru who informed him that they were professional wrestlers called Latino Kid and Latino Mysterio. They wrestled for the IWS as a team called Los Latinos. The three became friends and eventually he mustered up the courage to ask the brothers for help breaking into the IWS. The Latinos went to their boss, who went by the colourful name of PCP Crazy F’N Manny, and asked him to give their friend a try-out. Manny told them to bring their friend to the next show, that he might have a job for this red-headed Mexican. As it happened, Manny had a problem. He was in the middle of a philosophical disagreement between members of his creative staff. A technical wrestler, a villain named TNT had come to Manny and asked him to find him a green rookie to stretch, to humiliate in the ring. In wrestling jargon, he wanted a squash match. Manny had no difficulties with that. What was causing him headaches was the arguments as to what the result of the match would be. Some of his advisors said that whoever TNT squashed would be forever scarred by the experience. No crowd would ever take him seriously again. For the rest of his career, he would be known as a loser, a jobber. The other side of the argument claimed just as fiercely that exactly the opposite would happen. Everyone, they argued, has had a first day at work; where nothing went right; where your new colleagues were mean to you. This rookie would be a hero. “Bum,” said one side. “Hero,” said the other. “Aspirin,” said Manny. Manny decided to hedge his bets. The day of the show he handed the red-headed Mexican kid a mask and told him, “We’ll call you El Generico. If the crowd likes you, we’ll run with it. If they hate you, we can always send you out another time without the mask and no one will know.” El Generico, as he was now to be called, had a problem with the mask. It was a technical point of lucha libre honour and El Generico didn’t know enough English to properly explain his dilemma. In any case, El Generico knew an opportunity when one was offered to him, and he knew that once refused that these opportunities did not easily or quickly return. Besides, he had been exiled from Mexico for using illegal moves. What debt did he owe to the sacred traditions of lucha libre? He smothered his conscience and put on the mask. Wrestling TNT was like wrestling an octopus with a PHD in causing pain. TNT twisted him like a human pretzel; stretching muscles; popping ligaments; grinding cartilage; all the time screaming in El Generico’s ear for him to give up. El Generico wanted to, but in the pain and confusion he lost what little English that he had and could no longer remember how to submit. He knew that he could tap the mat to end the match, but found that his pride was making it impossible to do that. But he had to say or do something. He found himself screaming, “OLE!” A second later the crowd roared back, “OLE!” Backstage, Manny smiled to himself. The verdict was in. Hero. Not bum. Hero. When El Generico limped backstage after his match, Manny clapped him on his shoulder and said, “The crowd loves you kid. Guess you’re stuck with the mask.” El Generico was horrified. The mask that Manny had given him to wear was the replica of a mask worn by a luchador named Octagon. El Generico had broken one of the cardinal rules of lucha libre: never wear another man’s mask. It was like starting your career as a super-hero by wearing Batman’s mask. El Generico ordered another unique mask immediately, and hoped that Octagon would never find out. Unfortunately, he did and in time El Generico found out that Octagon was upset as was his brother Pentagon and their cousin Pentagon Black. Right out of the gate, El Generico had an entire family of luchadors angry with him. He reassured himself that Montreal was a long way from Mexico and he hoped that he would never cross paths with this family of luchadors. El Generico had, by good fortune, joined the IWS at exactly the right moment. While El Generico was becoming a Quebec sensation and polishing his skills in the ring against the IWS veterans, those veterans were becoming sensations in the United States. Especially one particular IWS veteran knows as Sexxxy Eddy. Along with three other IWS wrestlers, Eddy was invited to a wrestling show in Delaware known as “The Tournament of Death”. This bloodthirsty spectacle featured wrestlers maiming each other with glass, with barbed wire, with thumbtacks, with fire, and with many other instruments of destruction. The most important thing to understand about Sexxxy Eddy is that he wrestles in wrestling boots and a red bow-tie and a gold lame thong… and nothing else. In an event where men who claim to have no fear wrestle with as much padding as possible, Eddy was insanity personified. He qualified for the finals, but the event doctors refused to allow him to wrestle, sending him to the hospital to have his wounds tended to, observing, “We call the event the Tournament of Death, but we don’t actually want anyone to die!” Only the most obsessed of wrestling fans remembers who won that event, but any one who knows anything about independent wrestling remembers that it was the event where Sexxxy Eddy nearly died. Almost immediately, Sexxxy Eddy was in demand all over the North-East. Wrestling promoters quickly realized that for almost the same price that they could pay Eddy to fly to their events; they could pay him to drive and bring some of his “Crazy Canuck” friends from the IWS with him. El Generico caught the light of Sexxxy Eddy’s reflected glory. One night, backstage in New Jersey, a wrestler from California came up to El Generico, and another IWS wresler named Kevin Steen. He shook their hands and grunted at them. El Generico and Kevin Steen were mystified, but other wrestlers assured them that this was a good thing, “Normally Super Dragon hates everybody!” Within a few weeks, thanks to a recommendation from Super Dragon, El Generico and Kevin Steen received invitations to fly to Los Angeles, California and wrestle for the biggest California promotion, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. For Kevin Steen, it was huge professional compliment and a stepping stone to glory. For El Generico, it was something more. Thomas Wolfe said, “You can’t go home again.” To be sure, Los Angeles was not Tijuana, it was not even Mexico, but for the home-sick El Generico it seemed the closest that he would ever be allowed to come. Los Angeles might not be in Mexico, but in all other respects it was a Mexican city. The traditions of lucha libre were honoured and respected there. El Generico wondered how he would be received. How would a crowd of Los Angelinos react to a man who had been banned from Mexico, who had violated the cardinal rules of lucha libre? When the time came for his match, El Generico was a nervous wreck. He came out to Bouncing Soul’s “OLE!” just like in Montreal, and when the music ended just like in Montreal, he yelled “OLE!” The crowd roared back, “OLE!” The rest of the match was a blur. He must have done well, because everyone congratulated him on the match, but after the first roar of the crowd, he was operating on auto-pilot. He remembered hitting the brain-buster and the crowd going nuts, but everything else was a blank. Maybe Thomas Wolfe was wrong, maybe you could go home again. Or maybe what he meant was that the person that you were when you left was not the same person that you were when you came back. He had left Tijuana as a scared, red-headed kid, he had come back a confident adult, proud in the mask that he had earned wrestling so far from home. Staggering to the back, giddy on adrenaline, he ran into Super Dragon who smiled… Super Dragon never smiled. But here he was smiling, at him, and saying, “You’re more popular than guys who were born here and have wrestled here their entire lives.” It was at this precise instant that El Generico had his Rudolph moment. Growing up in Tijuana, El Generico had never seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman or Charlie Brown’s Christmas or any of the Christmas classics. When he moved to Montreal however, he eventually found himself rooming with fellow IWS wrestler, Beef Wellington. Beef was Jewish, but he had the biggest collection of Christmas movies that El Generico had ever seen. Beef’s favourite Christmas film was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. There was something about the Island of Mis-Fit toys that Beef loved. El Generico was fonder of the title character. After all, Rudolph had been forced to exile; had left behind his family and friends; had wandered; had had adventures. El Generico knew what that was like. He especially liked the ending when Rudolph came home. Everyone was happy and relieved to see Rudolph and his companions, but at the same time sad, because Santa Claus was about to cancel Christmas for the first time ever because of the bad weather. Rudolph’s nose goes off and Santa Claus shouts at him, “Rudolph your nose!” Almost as if Santa wanted to curse and didn’t because he was Santa Claus. At that moment, a light seems to go off in Kris Kringle’s head and he continues, in a much warmer tone, “Rudolph, that marvelous, wonderful nose! Rudolph, will you lead my sleigh tonight?” At that moment, Rudolph realizes that his curse is really a blessing; that what made the other reindeer drive him into exile is what will now save the day; that what made him a freak is what makes him a hero. Standing backstage at PWG, with the crowd’s “OLE!” still ringing in his ears, with Super Dragon’s praise still registering, El Generico had his Rudolph moment. He realized that his journey was complete; that he was accepted; that he was cool; that he was home. So, if it comes to pass in Liverpool during the King of Europe Cup or in Essen, Germany during the 16 Karat Gold tournament, that El Generico finds himself in danger of losing, I know what will happen. He will yell, “OLE!” and the crowd will roar back, “OLE!” and everything will be all right. Once you are at home in your own skin, you can never be lost again. I have written about El Generico before: When We Were Marks: I Am El Generico’s Father http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=24405 A more detailed version of his origin that I summarized above. and When We Were Marks: How El Generico Earned His Cape http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=27698 Another El Generico origin story told in the style of English found only in Marvel Comics The Mighty Thor.

Christian Cage Coming to Canada!! NWA World Heavyweight Champion Christian Cage announced today he will be coming to Montreal, March 24th, 2007, to wrestle for the International Wrestling Syndicate as part of their annual Un F’N Sanctioned show at the beautiful downtown Medley. He is reported to have said, “It’s been too long since my Canadian Peeps have had a chance to see me wrestle live!” IWS owner, PCP Crazy F’N Manny said, “We are very proud that Christian Cage will be returning to Canada to wrestle for the IWS. Every year, our Un F’N Sanctioned show is voted show of the year by Quebec fans and we expect this year’s edition to be even bigger and better.” When asked what match the NWA champion will wrestle in, Manny just smiled and said, “You’ll have to come to our show Violent Valentine on February 17th to find out. We will make the announcement as to what match he will be in and who his opponent or opponents will be then.” Christian Cage is a two-time and reigning NWA World Heavyweight Champion carrying on the tradition of great Canadian wrestlers to hold that belt like the legendary Whipper Billy Watson. With the WWE he was at various times the European Chamopion, the Hardcore Champion and the Light Heavyweight Champion. He was also a two-time Inter-Continental Champion, and a nine-time tag team champion (7 times with Edge, once with Lance Storm and once with Chris Jericho.) The IWS presents: Violent Valentine, Saturday, February 17th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8:30pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. Already signed is a match for the IWS Tag Team Titles between champions Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. the Rock N' Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan). For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] . The IWS proudly presents: Un F’N Sanctioned, Saturday, March 24th, 2007, at the beautiful downtown Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Already signed for Un F'N Sanctioned is "The Battle for 2.0" between tag partners Shane Matthews and Jagged. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9 pm. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online FRIDAY, January 26th at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office or live at our next show Violent Valentine. 18+. Card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] . My most recent IWS profile is an appreciation of Lufisto's career called When We Were Marks: The Pantheon written as a response to her forced wrestling sabbatical due to injury.It can be found here: http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=31790 . Our DVDs for each show are released through www.smartmarkvideo.com . Our most recent release is Season’s Beatings 2006 http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...at=&catstr= . Our best-selling DVD from last year is Un F’N Sanctioned 2006 featuring Sabu’s last match in the indies before his redebut on Raw (two nights later) as well as the crazy hardcore Fans Bring the Weapons match http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...str=HOME:iwsdvd . ... AND ***BOOM*** LLAKOR's HEAD EXPLODES

Europe Braces For OLE!-Mania El Generico won the King of Europe Cup qualifier last night during the International Wrestling Syndicate's Praise the Violence show. El Generico defeated Jagged and Kid Kamikaze in a three-way dance, pinning Jagged, to earn the right to represent his promotion, his city and his country in the King of Europe Cup, to to be held in Liverpool, England on April 28th and 29th. The Masked Montreal Mexican will also represent the IWS and Canada in wXw's 16 Karat Gold tournament to be held in Essen, Germany during the 4th, 5th and 6th of May. IWS Praise the Violence Results Quick & Dirty Saturday, January 20th, 2007 Bogey's World Montreal, Quebec, CANADA Attendance 319 Some pics are here: http://www.photographieml.com/galas/iwsjan07 Match#1: The Hardcore Ninjaz vs. Up in Smoke (Cheech and Cloudy) Up in Smoke won by Disqualification in 9:52 after Dru Onyx attacked Cloudy with a chair. Match#2 - EXesS Open Challenge Match: EXesS vs. Eric Doucet EXesS made Eric Doucet tap to the Stretch Muffler in 7:18. Match#3 - EXesS Open Challenge Match: EXesS vs. The Amazing Darkstone EXesS made The Amazing Darkstone tap to the Stretch Muffler in 4:43. Match#4 - Custody of Kid Kamikaze Match: Beef Wellington vs. Vanessa Kraven Vanessa Kraven pinned Beef Wellington in 7:47 after putting hom through a table. Match#5 - King of Europe Cup Qualifier: Kid Kamikaze vs. Jagged vs. El Generico El Generico pinned Jagged after a BRAAAAAINBUSTAH! at 9:19. Match#6: Shayne Hawke vs. Fred la Merveille Shayne Hawke pinned Fred la Merveille after 8:30 with help from Above Standards (Eric Lauze and Carl Choquette). Match#7 - Number One Contender's Tag Team Scamble Elimination Match: Team Checkmate (Lionel Knight and Chris Bishop) vs. The Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) vs. The Rock N' Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. Franky the Mobster and Kevin Steen Kevin Steen pinned Stupified at 6:08 to eliminate the Super Smash Brothers. Franky the Mobster pinned Lionel Knight at 8:33 to eliminate Team Checkmate. Twiggy and Pornstar Juan double-pinned Kevin at 13:25 after a Twiggy Top Rope Cross Body Block to win the match. Twiggy and Pornstar Juan earn a title shot against the IWS tag team champions Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) at Violent Valentine. Match#8 - IWS Canadian Title Match: Dan Paysan vs. Sexxxy Eddy Dan Paysan defended his IWS Canadian Title by pinning Sexxxy Eddy after 6:51. Match#9 - Main Event - Falls Count Anywhere: Pierre Carl Ouellette and "Paranoid" Jake Matthews vs. "Canadian Dynamite" Maxime Boyer and Viking PCO pinned Max Boyer after 14:44. ************************************************************** Detailed Results Praise the Violence got started with IWS ring announcer, Joey Soprano, announcing that the IWS would be returning to downtown Montreal for a huge show at the beautiful Medley on March 24th. The IWS Medley shows have been voted Quebec show of the year for five years running, and this year promises to be no different. IWS tag team champions, Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) came to ring side before the first match to "scout their opponents." The fans at ring-side understood that the champions real motive was to torment the former champions, the Hardcore Ninjaz, who lost their belts last month during Season's Beatings 2006 in the annual Christmas Tree Death Match, but without actually being pinned for their belts. To the fans great displeasure, Mean and Green interfered in a heated and competitive match between the Ninjaz and Up in Smoke (Cheech and Cloudy), bringing it to a premature conclusion. When Dru Onyx struck Cloudy with a chair, IWS senior official, Jeremy "The Prophet" Barnoff, awarded the match to Cheech and Cloudy by disqualification after 9:52. Eric Doucet, a student of Emil Dupre, came to the IWS to answer EXesS' Open Challenge. He put up a brave fight before being forced to tap to EXesS's Stretch Muffler variant at 7:18. Unfortunately for Eric, EXesS prevented Joey Soprano from announcing him and instructed the IWS DJ to play no music for him. The crowd wanted to cheer for Eric Doucet, but had no idea who they were cheering for. It's the first time that I have ever heard a crowd chant "Jobber" as encouragement rather than as a taunt. After disposing of Eric Doucet, EXesS asked for more, and his challenge was answered by Ontario's The Amazing Darkstone. Unfortunately for Darktone, he made the tactical error of hitting EXesS with a rubber chicken. The Montreal Metrosexual snapped, and had Darktone tapping to the Stretch Muffler in 4:43, even faster than with the less experienced Doucet. Before the show, Beef Wellington announced on Bloodstream that he intended to reunite Hi-5 with his BFF (Best Friend Forever), Kid Kamikaze. His former partner was less than impressed by this suggestion saying, "I tagged with you last month out of pity. If I am going to tag with anyone it will be with Vanessa Kraven." Beef decided on the spot that he would challenge Vanessa Kraven,"To see who the better man is, and to determine once and for all, who has custody of Kid Kamikaze!" Beef had a chance to win, but when he had Vamessa lined up for a top rope Ass Punch, he opted intead to go for a move that Beef called, "The Tossed Salad... and I tossed her salad good!" One thing is for certain, it did not lead to a pin for Beef as an outraged Vanessa killed Beef dead with successive power moves through furst a chair, and then a table propped in the corner, leading to the pin at 7:47. El Generico, Kid Kamikaze and Jagged fought a spirited and competitive match for the right to represent the IWS, Montreal and Canada at the King of Europe Cup and wXw's 16 Karat Gold Tournament. El Generico made a statement that the match was his to lose early on, hitting a preposterous dive to the outside barely a minute into the match. Kid Kamikaze impressed with what looked like a figure four variant that had El Generico twisted helpless on his head. Even Jagged had to admire the submission move, before breaking it up with a dropped elbow. It seemed like Jagged had the edge in the match when his tag team partner, Shane Matthews, abandoned his post as guest commentator to cheer Jagged on from ring side. Shane must still be bothered by his nagging knee injury, because when El Generico dropped Jagged on his head with a lightning quick BRAAAAAINBUSTAH!, at 9:19, Shane was not quite quick enough to prevent the pin. After the match, Shane became a chair-wielding maniac, attacking both El Generico, and to the shock of everyone, his own partner, Jagged. Taking the mike, Shane announced that he had to teach Jagged a lesson in tough love, and challenged Jagged to a match, March 24th at the Medley in a bout that the fans are already calling, "The Battle of 2.0". Knowing Jagged as I do, I was expecting him to say something along the lines of "teaching Shane the taste of leather flavoured teeth by kicking his dental work down his throat", but when I talked to him after the show, for possibly the first time in his life, Jagged refused to comment, and simply smiled and walked away. Shayne Hawke and Fred la Merveille broke their final ties with the U.S.A., debuting new outfits during an odd promo involving the two men, Joey Soprano and Above Standards (Carl Choqutte and Eric Lauze), which broke down into a brawl between Shayne Hawke and Fred. From a backstage perspective, no one has ever benefitted more from the guiding hand of a mentor than Shayne Hawke did last year. Thanks to Fred's patient coaching, Shayne turned from the greenest of rookies to being a force in his own right, practically stealing the show on a couple of occasions last year. Given all that, it made me physically ill to see Shayne turn on Fred, and use Above Standards to secure the win, and then punish Fred by plowing him from the top rope through four chairs. I mean, if you need help from Above Standards to succeed, aren't you better off failing? Kevin Steen and Franky the Mobster were an intimidating and dominant physical force during the Tag Team Elimination Scramble Match to determine who would face Mean and Green for the IWS Tag Team Titles at Violent Valentine, February 17th. Kevin Steen eliminated the Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) by pinning Stupefied at 6:08. Team Checkmate (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight) put up a brave fight, combining for a whirlwind of quickly executed moves to keep Steen and Franky off balance. But Team Checkmate had just fought a gruelling match against Up in Smoke the night before in Ontario at UWA Hardcore, and Chris Bishop is still not 100% recovered from the injuries that he suffered when a drunk driver plowed into his car, hurting both him and Nick Watts. Franky sealed the deal with his sit-out choke slam to pin Lionel Knight at 8:53. Like two fat cats playing with two really small mice, Franky and Kevin Steen toyed with Twiggy and Pornstar Juan. I will admit that I was yelling at Twiggy just to stay down and take the pin, rather than kick out and continue to take the punishment from Steen and Franky. You can not fault the courage of Twiggy and Juan. I do not know where they find their inspiration. Perhaps it is the body of their motivational coach, Montreal internet porn star, Seska. Perhaps it is something internal. Who knows? All I do know is that Juan managed to kick Franky to his knees with a well-timed low blow, and Twiggy hit Kevin Steen with a perfectly placed top rope Cross Body Block knocking Kevin into Franky which lead to a miraculous double pin by Twiggy and Juan at 13:25. Of course, the bad news is that now Twiggy and Juan have earned the privilige of getting killed by "Mean and Green". It is not that I do not have the upmost confidence in Twiggy and Juan's abilities, but I felt it necessary to place a deposit on a pair of (small) coffins. I fear that we may be forced to have a closed casket ceremony. Sexxxy Eddy thrilled the female fans of the IWS, coming to the ring for his match against IWS Canadian champion Dan Paysan, to the sounds of the Saturday Night Live song "Dick In a Box" and carrying a monstrous sized box for the ladies. The gambit may have been a little too successful, as Eddy was distracted during the match by all of his female admirers. Eddy had offence, but it was a little scattershot, and his failure to focus on a body part gave Dan Paysan a surprisingly easy victory over Eddy after 6:51. Dan remains, in Joey Soprano's words, "The IWS Italian-Canadian Champion." Pierre-Carl Ouellet and "Paranoid" Jake Matthews have spent the last few months tormenting and abusing IWS champion Viking and Number One Contender "Canadian Dynamite" Maxime Boyer, but always from surprise, always after those two men had finished gruelling matches. Last night, PCO and Jake met Boyer and Viking when they were prepared and when they were fresh. They learned that Boyer and Viking are not so easily beaten. The violent Falls Count Anywhere match roamed all over Bogey's World. Boyer had two excellent chances to win the match outright by pinning PCO, but IWS Senior Official, Jeremy "The Prophet" Barnoff, who took it upon himself to remove the regualr official, refused to count to three on both occasions. When Boyer got in the face of Prophet, this gave PCO a chance to recover and take out Boyer with "Dat Blue Ting" clothesline for the pin at 14:44. As an editorial note, I should mention that when Shane Matthews abandoned the commentary booth, I took his place. For those who prefer their commentary to be calm, rational and objective, I am afraid that this will not be the main event for you. I am not entirely clear how it happened. Mike Rotch, our play by play man, said something and I just saw red. I don't consider myself a particualrly brave man, but somehow I found myself screaming "SCUM!" at Jake Matthews when he was standing two feet away from me waving a shovel. Our next show is Violent Valentine, Saturday, February 17th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8:30pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. Already signed is a match for the IWS Tag Team Titles between champions Mean and Green (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. the Rock N' Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan). For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] . Our retarded little step-brother, Inter-Species Wrestling, will be hosting a show called Slamtasia, Saturday, March 3rd, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00pm, show starts at 8:00pm, tickets are $10. No reserved seating. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.beyondthebarn.org or e-mail [email protected] . On Saturday, March 24th, 2007, we return to downtown Montreal for a show at the beautiful Medley. Already signed for Un F'N Sanctioned is "The Battle for 2.0" between tag partners Shane Matthews and Jagged. The Medley is at 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9 pm. VIP tickets are $30, Regular tickets are $25. VIP ticket holders admitted first. No reserved seating. Tickets can be purchased online Saturday, January 26th at http://www.ticketpro.ca or in person at the Medley box office. 18+. Card and times subject to change. Just so that people don't get their hopes up, venue issues make it impossible for us to do a Fans Bring the Weapons Match this time. (Medley is usually cool with it but there's not enough time to clean all the glass before the next event being held there, basically.) That does not mean that it's not going to be a FUCKING INCREDIBLE Hardcore with two heads show though. Manny has been dropping me hints as to what is going to happen just so that he can watch my head explode. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail [email protected] . My most recent IWS profile is an appreciation of Lufisto's career called When We Were Marks: The Pantheon written as a response to her forced wrestling sabbatical due to injury.It can be found here: http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=31790 . Our DVDs for each show are released through www.smartmarkvideo.com . Our most recent release is Season’s Beatings 2006 http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...at=&catstr= . Our best-selling DVD from last year is Un F’N Sanctioned 2006 featuring Sabu’s last match in the indies before his redebut on Raw (two nights later) as well as the crazy hardcore Fans Bring the Weapons match http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...str=HOME:iwsdvd .

When We Were Marks The Pantheon Quebec wrestler Lufisto announced on her website ( www.lufisto.com ) this week that she is taking a wrestling sabbatical to heal three herniated disks in her back. A sabbatical that she fears may lead to a forced retirement. Amongst other things, it meant that Lufisto was forced to relinquish her CZW Ironman title. -To you from failing hands we throw the torch; be yours to hold it high. Motto of the Montreal Canadiens - as written on their dressing room wall. From the poem In Flanders Field by John McRae. I have a nomination for the Pantheon. You must understand that in Montreal, we take our sports seriously and we take our sports heroes even more seriously. So, I do not nominate someone for the post of Montreal sports hero without some trepidation. Before I make my nomination, it would probably be a good idea to review the qualities necessary to be considered a candidate for Montreal Sports Hero. The common misconception is that in Montreal we are only interested in winners. Silver is for losers. Not true. The truth is that Montreal fans are even more demanding than that. Sure winning is important. It is much more interesting than losing. But victory in and of itself is not enough, we also require that our heroes hate to lose. Take as an example, the biggest sports hero that Montreal has ever had: Maurice Richard. His talent frequently seemed too big for his fragile body to contain. He was rejected by the Canadian Army during World War Two because of old, badly healed injuries. Severe enough to keep him from serving his country, but he refused to allow them to stop him from serving his city and his team. It is his will that we remember and honour; those coal-black shark eyes that smoldered with hate. It was his will that allowed him to score a Stanley Cup winning goal in overtime with a concussion, and that left him weeping in the dressing room because he couldn’t remember the play. It was his will that made him play hockey the same day that he strained his shoulder moving a cousin, and that led to him scoring five goals and three assists in that game. You could see that same hatred of losing in the eyes of Scotty Bowman and all of his players during the Canadiens modern run of four Stanley Cups in a row, You could see it in the face of Patrick Roy, all the time, but never more poignantly than when he defied his coach, Mario Tremblay, as the Detroit Red Wings were shredding him in nets. Two men who hated losing refusing to give way one to the other, and their conflict ended up damn near destroying the team. Take as a more current example, the Colts vs. Patriots AFC conference championship this Saturday. On one hand, you have quarterback Peyton Manning a nice guy, a two-time NFL MVP, a guy who likes to win. On the other hand, you have a team led by coach Bill Bilichick and Tom Brady. Bilichick dresses like a homeless man. This year, he snubbed for his former assistant, Eric Mangini, now head coach of the New York Jets, only to hug him after the Patriots beat the Jets in the playoffs. We may never know the reason, but I can guess. Mangini left Bilichick to take a job in the same conference for a team, whose ownership and management, Bilichick loathes. The snub was the action of a man who hates to lose; the hug the actions of a man who no longer had to fear losing. If you look at the eyes of Tom Brady and Bill Bilichick, you will see Maurice Richard’s eyes: the black dead eyes of a shark, smoldering with hate. I make no predictions, but if I had to choose give me the team led by men who know how to hate, and hate to lose. You can see that same hatred of losing in the stars of other teams that we honour here in Montreal by repeating their stories. Bobby Baun wining the Stanley Cup for Toronto on a broken leg; Bobby Orr playing with knees made of broken glass; Mario Lemieux beating cancer and playing with a spinal cord made of balsa wood. You can see it in the saga of the two team captains, here in Montreal and there in Toronto This year, I have watched with some dismay as the assorted pundits and parasites jumping off the Toronto Maple Leafs band wagon have conspired to try and push Toronto Maple Leafs Captain Mats Sundin under the team bus, complaining that if the Maple Leafs keep Sundin until the end of his career, that in the process that they will doom Toronto’s already pathetic chances of winning the Stanley Cup. Makes you think that Toronto sports fans have about as much loyalty as a pack of sharks with blood in the water. By comparison, if you even whispered about getting rid of the Montreal Canadiens captain, Saku Koivu, you might have a modern reenactment of the Maurice Richard riots. And yet, Saku Koivu doesn’t speak French and has never lead the Montreal Canadiens to the Stanley Cup. Not to mention that when Koivu became Captain, he took over a cursed position which had over a decade chewed up and spat out great players such as: Chris Chelios, Guy Carbonneau, Kirk Muller, Mike Keane, Pierre Turgeon and Vincent Damphousse. This is true. But we have seen Koivu tested and we know the size of his heart. Like Mario Lemieux we have watched him beat cancer. We have seen him battle through injuries. We have seen him play hurt: including this year where he leads his team despite an eye injury that affects his peripheral vision and that will require off-season surgery to remove a cataract. Some players wear the C, but on some… greater… players, the C wears them. You hear all the time the New Age types talk about how to beat cancer, you have to visualize, you have to think positive. Fucking Hippies. Horse-shit. To beat cancer, you have to visualize sure, but you have to visualize negative. You have to hate the cancer, enough to want it to die. If you can hate the cancer badly enough; if you can hate it to death; you may be able to beat it. If you can beat cancer, you have a place in our Pantheon. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. -Rocky from Rocky Balboa These are our heroes. The men who get hit, but keep moving forward. These are the members of our Pantheon. As I said, I have a nominee for that Pantheon. She is not a hockey player, some would argue that as a professional wrestler she barely qualifies as an athlete. They would be wrong. Her name is Lufisto and she knows how hard life can hit. She has proven though that she knows how to keep moving forward. She knows how winning is done. In the Spring of 2002, Lufisto was booked to take part in the main event of an Ontario show to be called Ring N’ Ears. The Ontario Athletic Commission forbid the match on the grounds that Lufisto would be competing against men and not women. For Lufisto, who routinely wrestled against men, because there was no real female competition, this decision effectively barred Lufisto from wrestling in Ontario. Lufisto fought back, complaining to the Ontario Human Rights Commission. It took four years, but eventually the Human Rights Commission convinced the Ontario Athletic Commission that the rule they were enforcing was antiquated and would be thrown out in any court case. The Ontario Athletics Commission further concluded that the rest of their regulations were unlikely to survive a court challenge and quietly announced that they would no longer be telling wrestling promoters what kinds of matches that they could or could not put on. Like a good fullback, Lufisto gave the block that freed up Ontario Wrestling promoters from the bureaucracy that was stifling them. The ensuing resurgence of the Ontario Independent Wrestling scene owes a great deal to her victory. In the Summer of 2003, Lufisto was invited to Japan to wrestle for and train with Akino and Mariko Yoshida. In Japan, wrestling, especially women’s wrestling, is treated much more seriously than it is in the United States. Women’s wrestling called Joshi is considered its own separate sport, not a mere tits and ass side show the way that it is in the United States and Canada. Just being invited to Japan is a major compliment to your ability, on par to a musician being invited to play in Carnegie Hall. Unfortunately, within weeks of arriving in Japan, Lufisto injured her knee and had to come home. Again, life had battered her down just when her career seemed to be gaining momentum. But Lufisto kept picking herself up and pushing forward, and eventually the breaks came. Last year, 2006, was Lufisto’s year. She won her battle with the Ontario Athletics Commission. She had one of the best matches of her career, beating Dru Onyx at IWS Breakout 2007. She found success in the IWS, forming a popular tag-team with Sexxxy Eddy called The Missionaries of Violence. She won the first death match tournament ever held in Ontario, and in a gutsy performance worthy of Maurice Richard, won her final match against Necro Butcher despite punching the shaggy man-beast so hard in the head that she broke her hand on his skull. Then she won the CZW Ironman title, the first and only woman to ever win a title in CZW. In December she took part in the main event of CZW’s signature show: the Cage of Death. Of course, the cynics amongst you might argue that in a sport where the results are rigged, how can a hatred for losing have any meaning at all. This would be to ignore the fact that wrestling is as harsh a meritocracy as any sport and harsher than some. In wrestling only two concerns dominate: Can you protect yourself in the ring, and will the fans pay to watch you wrestle. If the answer to both those questions is yes, than you will always find work. If enough people are prepared to pay to see you wrestle, than you will find yourself in the main event. And, if enough people are prepared to see you WIN, than you will win belts and you will win tournaments. In wrestling, then, I would argue that a hatred of losing translates as a passion to give the fans their money’s worth and a refusal, like any athlete, to allow the nicks and scrapes; the aches and pains; the bumps and bruises to stop you from giving the best performance possible. To go for gold with every match, because anything else is unacceptable. Last week, on her website, Lufisto announced that she was taking a forced wrestling sabbatical, because of three herniated disks, what she described to Yves Leroux of www.slam.ca as a medical leave of absence. Once again, just as Lufisto’s career was building momentum, life dragged her down. Will Lufisto come back from this injury? It is obviously too early to tell and it is a serious injury that would ring down the close of many an athlete’s career, not just one in an industry where back injuries are a constant risk. Will she come back? I offer no predictions. Just the certainty, that if anyone can come back from this injury, it is Lufisto. We expect nothing less… From a member of the Pantheon. I wrote about Lufisto's fight with the OAC more in detail in the article A Strange Form of Equality which can be found here: http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=29378 .

From Hero to Bully What do you call a man who has inspired a generation of Quebec wrestlers; a man reknowned as the most athletic big man that Quebec has ever seen; a man so feared in the ring that Kevin Nash once famously had him fired to avoid fighting him? It once took just three letters: PCO, Pierre-Carl Ouellet. But since returning from a bicep injury that threatened his career, there are darker words that have been used to describe this former hero. Bully. Thug. Coward. For the past months, along with his shovel-wielding partner in crime, “Paranoid” Jake Matthews, PCO has repeatedly attacked IWS champion Viking and the number one contender, “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer. But always after the two men had finished gruelling matches; never when the two wrestlers were fresh; never when they were prepared. That will change Saturday, January 20th, when Viking and Max Boyer will team to face the team of PCO and Jake Matthews. There comes a time when your back is against the wall; when you must turn and face your tormentors; when you must confront the bullies. When that time comes, it is time to… PRAISE THE VIOLENCE! Praise the Violence Card, Quick and Dirty Saturday, January 20th, 2007 Montreal, Quebec, CANADA Bogey’s World, 3250 Cremazie East Open Challenge Match: EXesS vs. Eric Doucet The Hardcore Ninjaz vs. “Up In Smoke” (Cheech and Cloudy) Beef Wellington vs. Vanessa Kraven Four Way Scramble Match: Team Checkmate (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight) vs. The Rock N’ Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. The Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied) vs. Kevin Steen and Franky the Mobster King of Europe Cup Qualifier: Jagged vs. Kid Kamikaze vs. El Generico IWS Canadian Title Match: Dan Paysan vs. Sexxxy Eddy Main Event: Pierre-Carl Ouellet and “Paranoid” Jake Matthews vs. “Canadian Dynamite” Maxime Boyer and Viking Praise the Violence Preview From the Time-Keeper’s Table – by Llakor Last month, IWS trainer, EXesS issued an open challenge to any man brave enough to step in the ring and receive a live IWS try-out in front of the IWS fans. Despite my best efforts to discourage people from volunteering, (because EXesS is a grumpy bastard who will stretch you as soon as shake your hand) I was flooded by would-be wrestlers asking for a shot at EXesS. In the end, I used a little bit of influence to give the opportunity to a wrestler from my old stomping grounds, the Maritimes. Eric Doucet was trained by Emil Dupre (Rene’s Dad) the old promoter of the Atlantic Grand Prix. I am just not sure if I am doing Eric a favour or not. Hopefully, for Eric, it will be a magical night. The former IWS tag team champions, the Hardcore Ninjaz were never pinned for their belts when they lost them during Season’s Beatings 2006. This month, the two men from Fabertown, Japan will attempt to begin their ascent back up the mountain as they face off against the New Jersey team of Cheech and Cloudy known as “Up In Smoke”. The Garden State natives will need all their wits about them as they face off against the original Hardcore Soldiers of the IWS. While the Hardcore Ninjaz begin their quest to regain their IWS tag team titles, the new champions, “Mean and Green” Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom, will be scouting with interest the other contenders for their title, who will virtually all be featured in a four way scramble at Praise the Violence. Many teams have made winning the IWS tag team titles part of their New Year’s resolutions: Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight, who were crowned Number One Contenders for the IWS tag team titles back in September (!) at Born to Bleed, but saw their quest derailed by a drunken driver who crashed into Chris Bishop’s car; Twiggy and Pornstar Juan, seconded by their inspirational coach, Montreal internet porn star Seska; Player Uno and Stupefied; and last but not least, former IWS champion, Kevin Steen, and his goombah bodyguard, Franky the Mobster. Whoever wins this match will take a huge step forward as contender’s for the tag team titles. As with any IWS scramble match, the only certain winners are the fans. The “Hottest Prospect in Indy Wrestling” Vanessa Kraven has been on a roll in the IWS. The six-foot bombshell has been fighting, and beating, men in the ring. Her latest conquest is scheduled to be the IWS’ Clown Prince of Crime, Beef Wellington. He is certainly the most colourful wrestler in the IWS, but can the tasselled Beef withstand Vanessa’s Purple and Black Attack? The new IWS Canadian champion, Dan Paysan, has declared that he intends to be a fighting champion. In fact, he intends to fight the stiffest competition available to him. His first opponent may be his toughest, as Dan has challenged the “Missionary of Violence”, the former four-time IWS champion, Sexxxy Eddy to a match at Praise the Violence. Unfortunately, as announced on her web-site www.lufisto.com , Sexxxy Eddy will not be backed up by his fellow “Missionary of Violence” at Praise the Violence. Severe damage to two vertebrae in her back has forced Lufisto to cancel all of her bookings and, tragically, to surrender her CZW Ironman title. Everyone at the IWS hopes that Lufisto will make a complete recovery from this serious injury. The former IWS Canadian champion, Jagged, is remarkably cheerful these days for someone who lost his title in his very first defence. This may be because his “Platonic Life Mate” Shane Matthews arranged for Jagged’s name to be entered into the sixteen man King of Europe Cup to be held in Liverpool, England on April 28th and 29th. The IWS representative will also participate in wXw’s 16 Karat Gold tournament to be held in Essen, Germany on May 4th to 6th. All Jagged has to do to win a tour of Europe as the official IWS representative in the King of Europe Cup and the 16 Karat Gold tournament is to beat Kid Kamikaze and El Generico in the qualifying match next Saturday. Jagged has a huge advantage in this match being seconded (or as he puts it “being 2.0ed”) by Shane Matthews. In the main event of Praise the Violence, Viking and Max Boyer will finally get a chance to face PCO and Jake Matthews in a fair fight. Viking and Boyer may be smaller and less experienced than the veteran brutes they will be facing, but no one has ever questioned the size of the hearts of Viking and Boyer. On Saturday, PCO and Jake Matthews may be shown the beating truth in the old wrestling saying, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.” Praise the Violence will also feature IWS Owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny, senior official, Jeremy “the Prophet” Barnoff, the Amazing Darkstone, Fred la Merveille and others. Doors open at 7:30, show starts at 9:00 pm. Bogey’s World, 3250 Cremazie East, corner of Cremazie and St-Michel, near the St-Michel metro. Tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for regular tickets. 18+. Card and times subject to change. ************************************* Other IWS News The IWS Joins the King of Europe Cup Based out of Montreal, Quebec, the IWS is Canada's best wrestling promotion with strong ties to CZW and Chikara. Its stars, including Kevin Steen, Sexxxy Eddy and El Generico have proudly represented Canada all over the world in top promotions like ROH, PWG, Dragon’s Gate, IPW:UK and wXw. The IWS is pleased to announce its entry in the King of Europe Cup and wXw's 16 Karat Gold tournament. We will be the only Canadian promotion represented. Our official representative will be chosen Saturday, January 20th at Praise the Violence in a three-way dance qualifying match pitting Jagged vs. El Generico vs. Kid Kamikaze. For more information on the King of Europe Cup consult the official web-site at www.kingofeuropecup.com or the wikipedia entry at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_Europe_Cup . For more information about wXw, consult their official web-site at http://www.wxw-wrestling.com . Courtesy of the ROH Newswire A big tag team match has been signed for 2/17 in Philadelphia. New GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Champions Jay & Mark Briscoe will take on El Generico & the returning Kevin Steen!!! Courtesy of CHIKARA Pro Wrestling Next month, February 16th to 18th, at King of Trios, our reigning Young Lions Cup champion Max Boyer returns to action flanked by two of his fellow countrymen. The Canadian trio captained by Boyer will also feature Jagged and Shane Matthews, the duo better known as 2.0. Matthews and Jagged made their CHIKARA debuts at the final Tag World Grand Prix (last February), and since then, several stars from the White Liberal North have made their way south - including Boyer. The Young Lions Cup champion not only unseated Arik Cannon for the trophy, but seems to have earned the attention of the Kings of Wrestling in the process. Our DVDs for each show are released through www.smartmarkvideo.com. Our most recent release is Season’s Beatings 2006 http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...at=&catstr=. Our best-selling DVD from last year is Un F’N Sanctioned 2006 featuring Sabu’s last match in the indies before his redebut on Raw (two nights later) as well as the crazy hardcore Fans Bring the Weapons match http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/cgi-bin/stor...str=HOME:iwsdvd. For those interested in the history of the IWS, my three latest articles are: An IWS Hardcore Ninja Shinto Chrismukkah http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=31616 The late Blood, Sweat and Beers recap (09/30) http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=31621 And a series of profiles of the Evil Ninja, Hardcore Ninja Number One, Viking and Max Boyer inspired by the main event of Blood, Sweat and Beers called: When We Were Marks: The IWS - A Symphony in Four Movements http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=31721

Roasting Ninjas Over an Open Fire… Jack Frost Nipping At Your Nose The Green Phantom ended nearly two years worth of frustration on Saturday night capturing the IWS tag team titles in the IWS’ Hardcore Hero’s signature match – the annual Christmas Tree Death match. But the price of that success may be the Green Phantom’s very soul as the Phantom allied himself with “The Devil’s Favourite Weapon” Dru Onyx to capture tag team gold. The Hardcore Ninjaz for their part saw their dream of a perfect 2006 fall apart as they watched their titles slip away from the outside of the the ring - still smoking from having been put through a burning table by the Green Phantom - as Onyx and the Phantom pinned the reformed Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze). IWS Season’s Beatings Saturday, December 2nd, 2006 Bogey’s World, Montreal, Quebec, CANADA Quick and Dirty Results Match #1 - Shayne Hawke and Jimmy Stone vs. Player Uno and Stupefied Player Uno pinned Shayne Hawke for the win at 8:53 with a pump-handle pile-driver. Match #2 - EXesS vs. Sofirios EXesS forced Sofirios to tap to his stretch muffler variant after 9:45. Match#3 - Franky the Mobster vs. Vanessa Kraven Vanessa Kraven pinned Franky the Mobster with a leveraged roll-up after 9:18. Match#4 - Above Standards (Carl Choquette and Eric Fauze) vs. The Rock and Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) Pornstar Juan pinned Eric Fauze with a Sunset Flip with help from a top-rope cross-body-block from Twiggy after 7:13. Match#5 - “Paranoid” Jake Matthews vs. Sexxxy Eddy Jake Matthews pinned Sexxy Eddy after 9:31 Match#6 - IWS Canadian Title - Dan Paysan vs. Jagged Dan Paysan pinned Jagged after 9:16 to become the new IWS Canadian champion (6th champion). Match#7 - IWS Title - Max Boyer vs. Viking Viking retained his IWS title in 15:54, pinning Max Boyer with “La Tueur des Policiers” after Jake Matthews hit Max on the back with his shovel. Match#8 - IWS Tag Team Title Christmas Tree Death Match Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom vs. Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze) vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz Dru Onyx pinned Beef Wellington with a spear at 12:00 to win the IWS tag team titles for Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom (12th Champions). The defending champions, the Hardcore Ninjaz were not pinned. ************************************ Detailed Results The IWS’ annual celebration of Christmas Carnage began with a tag team match featuring four men who wrestled at Blood, Sweat and Beers in a thrilling four-way dance. Natural allies Player Uno and Stupefied combined to face hesitant partners “American Idol” Shayne Hawke and Jimmy “Just because I have a smoking hot woman willing to pretend to be my girl-friend doesn’t make me a heterosexual” Stone. Uno and Stupefied demonstrated their team-work by turning their own bodies into missiles during a thrilling dive sequence. On the other hand, Shayne Hawke showed his lack of respect for his own partner turning Jimmy Stone into a battering ram to crotch Uno on the top rope. Despite nearly getting his head taken off with a thunderous super-kick from Shayne Hawke, the 8 bit luchadore countered the Tomahawk - the same move that Hawke won with last month - and avenged that loss by dropping Hawke on his damned red head with a pump-handle pile-driver after 8:53. IWS Trainer EXesS dragged rookie Sofirios to the ring for a lesson in being stretched. EXesS was annoyed at the huge prdouction made out of Sofirios’ first match by Quebec network VRAK-TV at Blood, Sweat and Beers. After forcing Sofirios to tap to his stretch muffler variant at 9:45, EXesS issued an open challenge: Anyone who thinks that they are good enough to compete in the IWS can get a try-out… in the ring… against EXesS… by contacting your humble scribe at [email protected]. Mathy assured me after the show that he is DEAD serious about this. If you are seriously thinking of taking up EXesS on his offer, my advice to you is: RECONSIDER. EXesS is a grumpy humourless fuck and he will stretch you just to hear you scream. Oh and why do I have this weird feeling that my Hotmail inbox is about to be flooded worse than the time that Peter LaSalle told people on Bloodstrem to send me video clips of Russian Lesbian Bestiality Porn? (And who knew that there could be so many different clips?) Franky the Mobster, fresh off his triumphant return last month during Blood, Sweat and Beers, came to the ring and announced that he wanted to face “The Biggest Pussy in the Back”. In a classic case of being careful of what you wish for, Vanessa Kraven accepted the challenge and much to Franky’s shock kicked his ass around the ring. Franky rallied but Vanessa countered Franky’s sit-out choke slam finisher, rolling Franky up for the win at 9:11. Prior to their rematch against Above Standards, the Rock and Cock Express, Twiggy and Pornstar Juan, delivered a video promo in which they announced that they were sick of being the resident punching bags of the IWS and that in 2007, “We are going to forget our manners!” At this point, former IWS President, the sultry Seska appeared and told the boys that what they obviously needed was “inspirational motivation” the kind that could only be provided by an experienced porn star like herself. Am I the only one getting a total 80’s sex comedy vibe here? Porky’s, My Tutor, Private Lessons? Maybe it’s just me. Despite their best efforts to suck up to IWS management – by giving IWS announcer Joey Soprano an early Christmas gift of their DVD “Best of Above Standards Volume Three” – Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze fell prey to the inspired teamwork of the Rock and Cock Express who avenged their defeat at the hands of Above Standards last month. Credit Seska with the “inspirational” assist. Also credit Twiggy whose top rope cross body block on Eric Lauze gave Pornastar Juan the chance to complete a Sunset Flip on Eric Lauze and get the pin at 7:13. Not to be outdone by EXesS in the open challenge department, Sexxxy Eddy, prior to his match with “Paranoid Jake Matthews”, invited “any woman who wants to pop her IWS cherry in the ring, send Llakor an e-mail to [email protected] and the forty year old virgin will arrange for you to have your clothes taken off in the ring by me.” Eddy and Tony Soprano keep screwing this up. For the last time, I’m thirty-nine. I should probably also mention as an update for fans of Lufisto, the CZW Iron (Wo)Man Champion, that according to Eddy she is almost completely healed from the broken hand that she suffered punching Necro Butcher repeatedly in the head in the final round of the Ontario Tournament of Death (won by Lufisto.) “At least, I assume the hand is fully healed based on the quantity and intesity of the hand-jobs that she has been giving me,”said Eddy. The new IWS Commissioner, Andy Rosetti, appointed as new senior IWS official Jeremy “The Prophet” Barnoff, a Rougeau student from the same class as Maxime Boyer. Mind you where Boyer was an straight "A+" student, Prophet was more the student who avoids flunking out only because his Dad bought the university a new library (or in this case a new Range Rover.) Rather predictably, Prophet cost Eddy the match on at least three occasions by my count with a super-slow count. To be fair to “Paranoid” Jake Matthews, he did pass up a chance to win the match on a count-out, stopping the count at eight with Eddy wiped out on the floor and not getting back up, and while Prophet did count slightly faster on the pinfall, I’m not sure if it would have made a difference because after Matthews levelled the boom on Eddy his eyes were glazed like a Krispy Kreme. Matthews won the match with his reverse fisherman buster in 9:31. Dan Paysan shed the label of “most talented IWS wrestler never to win a belt” with a vengeance during Season’s Beatings beating Jagged for the IWS Canadian title just won by Jagged during Born to Bleed. Jagged’s injured tag-team partner Shane Matthews spent the match at ring side giving moral support and tried to help in more active ways, but every time that Shane slid a chair into the ring, Jagged slid it back out. Finally Jagged decided to use the chair which lead to a tug of war for the chair between Jagged and Dan Paysan. The Dapper Don wisely let go of the chair which led to Jagged hitting Shane in the gut with the chair, leaving Dan with a clear path to Krunch Jagged for the pin at 9:16. Backstage Shane was heard to console his tag-team partner with a list of great “transitional champions” like Jagged. “Ivan Putski, Kane, the Iron Sheik, Stan Stasiak, Bob Backlund…” “Bob Baclund? Shane he held the title for like three years.” “No, the second time… when he beat Bret Hart and got killed by Diesel.” The long anticipated title match between Viking and “Canadian Dynamite” Max Boyer more than lived up to its billing as Viking forced Boyer to put aside his technical wrestling and become a violent hardcore sociopath like Viking. The match featured a memorable chop-fest between the two men where Viking took everything that Boyer could dish out and asked for more. When Boyer chopped Viking you saw that it had to hurt. The difference of the early part of the match was that when Viking chopped Boyer, fans cringed in sympathetic pain the chops were so violent. The tide of the match turned on a double level chair fort built by Viking on the outside that Boyer used to destroy the IWS champion. Unfortunately, Boyer couldn’t get the win on the outside and by the time that Boyer was ready to drag Viking back, the IWS champion had recovered. In a sick, twisted move no doubt inspired by his love of Japanese garbage wrestling, Viking tried to bite through a light tube to use the shards to carve up Boyer and when he couldn’t bite through the tube broke it on his own forehead. Viking wasted so much time on this stunt that Boyer took control of the match only to fall prey to a shovel shot to the back by “Paranoid” Jake Matthews. Viking bum-rushed Matthews to the outside and then took Boyer out with his “Tueurs de Policiers” to win the match and retain the title at 15:54. After the match, IWS Owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny hit the ring with veteran Pierre Carl Ouellet to destroy both Viking and Boyer and to announce that at the next IWS show Praise the Violence that Viking and Max Boyer would have to team up together to face the heavyweight combination of Jake Matthews and Pierre Carl Ouellet. A few quick editorial comments. First, if Viking is planning to bite light-tubes on a regular basis, I recommend that he start emulating Kurt Angle and get himself a hardcore mouth-guard. Second, Manny and PCO and Jake Matthews are awfully good at beating Viking and Boyer after they have just spent fifteen minutes killing each other. I am looking forward to seeing what happens when those three bullies face a fresh Viking and Boyer. I think that they are in for a big surprise. Finally, I was fortunate enough to sit in with IWS play-by-play man Mike Rotch to provide live commentary for the last two matches (while Shane Matthews was busy trying to convince Jagged that losing the IWS Canadian title on your first defence is not really that big a deal.) Sadly, Manny heard the commentary for this match and erased it because of a number of comments critical of him. Yep, that’s my boss. The Christmas Tree Death match is an annual Christmas tradition hosted by the IWS Hardcore Hero. This year was a little different. For the first time, it was fought as a tag team match with the Green Phantom teaming with Dru Onyx. Their opponents, bringing to the ring a giant dreidel, were the reformed team of Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze). Before starting the match, Hi-5 found a present under the tree which said that it was for “The Team that scores a pinfall in the match.” When Beef and Double K opened the gift to reveal the IWS tag gold, the Hardcore Ninjaz attacked from ambush… as Ninjaz are wont to do. Of course, the Ninjaz don’t have a monopoly on being sneaky as Hi-5 proved when they revealed that their giant dreidel was hollow… and filled with thumbtacks. The Hardcore Ninjaz went into Season’s Beatings as IWS tag team champions and boasting a perfect record for 2006. By the end of the night, they could boast neither. Tragically, they weren’t even pinned for their belts. The Green Phantom got revenge on the Ninjaz for putting him through a burning table at Blood, Sweat and Beers by putting both Ninjaz through a burning table. While the Ninjaz were beating off the flames, Dru Onyx was hitting Beef Wellington with a spear and scoring the pin-fall victory. Leading me (and others) to wonder: Who can beat these two monsters for the IWS tag team titles now that they have them? Our next show is Praise the Violence, Saturday January 20th at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8:30pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change.

Just as a quick note before I begin... As some of you know, between a recent move that I was forced into because of my scum-bag slum landlord and my diabetes, I haven't had the energy, the time or frankly the desire to do the IWS writing in the volume that people were accustomed to. I'm still not fully moved in and unpacked, but my doctors and I seem to have found the right insulin levels for my condition and as my energy levels perk up, I can be more physically active which also improves my condition. So, I'm not quite ready to say that I'm 100% back, but as far as last night's show is concerned, I am. I should mention however that after all that time being cooped in my own misery, frankly I'm not fit for polite society. On the other hand... This IS the IWS. We're FUCKING Hardcore with TWO FUCKING HEADS! So this report is going to be FUCKING dirty and if you don't like that... FUCK OFF. IWS Born to Bleed Viking is the Last Man Standing Viking defended his IWS Heavyweight Title last night out lasting both "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer and "Paranoid" Jake Mathews in a Three Way Last Man Standing match that could better be described as an all out war that engulfed Bogey's World. *********************************************************** IWS Born to Bleed Results Quick and Dirty Saturday, November 4th, 2006 Bogey's World Bar and Billiards Montreal, Quebec, CANADA Dark Match: Franky the Mobster vs. Sofirios (sp?) Franky the Mobster wins with a sit-out choke slam power bomb after 11:43. Match #1: "Up in Smoke" (Cheech and Cloudy) vs. "Team Checkmate" (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight) Match went to a double count-out after 13:02. Match#2 - Four Corners Match: "American Idol" Shayne Hawke vs, Jimmy Stone vs. Stupefied vs. Player Uno Shayne Hawke pinned Player Uno for the win after 9:10. Match#3: "Rock and Cock Connection" (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) vs. "Above Standards" (Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze) Above Standards won in 9:04. Eric Lauze and Carl Choquette double-pinned Twiggy. Match#4: Frederique La Merveille Lauzon vs. El Generico El Generico pinned Fred at 12:16. Match#5 - Two out of Three Falls Match[/b]: EXesS vs. Beef Wellington EXesS won the match two falls to one. EXesS won the first fall at 6:27, Beef won the second fall at 12:24 and EXesS won the third fall at 23:57. Match#6 - Flaming Tables Match for the IWS Tag Team Titles: "Green and Mean" (Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom) vs. The Hardcore Ninjaz The Hardcore Ninjaz defended their tag team titles by combining to power bomb the Green Phantom from the top rope through a flaming table after 8:53. Match#7 - Three Way Last Man Standing Match for the IWS Title: "Paranoid" Jake Mathews vs. "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer vs. Viking Viking defended his IWS title after 13:49. ******************************************************* Before Born to Bleed started, fans were treated to a dark match filmed for Quebec cable network VRAK-TV for their show "Tête Première". The show gives young teens a chance at their dream job. In this case, 17 year old Luki Sabiti's dream job was to become a professional wrestler. After more than fifty hours of intensive training from WWF veteran and three time tag team champion Pierre Carl Ouellet, assisted by "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer, Luki Sabiti aka Sofirios had his wrestling debut last night. Of course, this being wrestling (and the IWS) nothing is handed to you, nothing is easy. Amongst the rejected stunts for Jackass 2: being thrown to wild dogs with a pork chop tied to your neck; having your chest sliced to a bloody pulp and being thrown into a shark tank and making your professional wrestling debut against Franky the Mobster. Before the match, Beef Wellington urged the IWS fans to give Sofirios an enthusiastic response since it was their opportunity to be seen on TV... And he was given a loud polite response. The reception for Franky on the other hand was nothing less than thunderous. Franky pretended to misunderstand the "You're Going to Die!" chants saying that he felt a good chance of surviving the match. So we switched the chanting to "Franky's Going to Kill You!" Franky introduced himself to Sofirios and went on to explain, "I'm basically a bitter person. I have issues... and right now one of my issues is seeing a green rookie come to the ring for his first match with a seventeen person camera crew and hundred thousand dollar cameras making this match into a fucking Lucas/Spielberg production." I sort of had an epiphany while I was watching this match. The IWS fans (and I include myself in this category) we are all like Franky. Cranky, Vicious and Bitter with Fucking Issues. We like to see people get hurt and we love the people doing the damage. How else to explain the thunderous "Fuck Him Up Franky! Fuck Him Up!" chants? I'm sure that VRAK-TV is going to get a lot of mileage out of that audio. I mean really, how cruel do you have to be to chant "NEVER COME BACK!" I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself. No, not really. For the uneducated observer, it would appear that Sofirios had a chance to win the match on a roll-up, but was cheated by a dazed and out-of-position referee. After the match, Franky confirmed to me that he was well aware that the referee was in no shape to count to three and he was simply playing possum, taking advantage of his opponent's inexperience. Franky won the match with his sit out choke slam power bomb after 11:43. After the pin, Franky got the IWS DJ to play Sofirios' music to revive and helped the rookie to his feet... Only to club him back down to the mat. Born to Bleed began with IWS announcer Joey Soprano inviting IWS owner PCP Crazy Fucking Manny to the ring to make an important announcement. Manny, dressed to the nines, thanked VRAK-TV for their generous donation to his coke habit. He went on to say that because of a new project that he was starting he wouldn't have time for the day to day operation of the IWS, so he was turning that over to the new IWS Commissioner, his former competitor, Andy Rosetti. As his first act as Commissioner, Rosetti announced that the IWS would start to operate for the first time with actual rules. Count-Outs were in as well as Disqualifications. A few things to mention here. First of all, once again, Manny has proved that in Quebec you either work WITH Manny or you end up working FOR Manny. I mean Andy Rosetti is the guy who once tried to sabotage one of our Medley shows by claiming the day of the show that Manny had hired two masked thugs to attack him with a wrench and a pipe. He also fired me once and replaced me with the dumbest guy in Quebec wrestling. Not that I'm bitter or anything. YES, I am enjoying this. Thanks for asking. Secondly, I am deeply suspicious of this move to bring in rules. I am not so concerned that this will have any dampening effect on the level of violence in the IWS. I am more worried that the rules will be used by Rossetti and Manny to unbalance the playing field in the favour of their cronies. Finally, I should point out that count outs have been used in the IWS off and on for years. Usually at the insistence of specific wrestlers. TNT used to insist on count outs during his matches. In fact, El Generico's very first match was a count out victory over TNT. 2.0 rather famously imitated TNT during their run to the IWS tag team titles, winning their first three matches by count out and claiming that a count out victory was superior to a pin fall victory because a pin fall only took three seconds. P.S. Joey Soprano with the line of the night, talking to fan at ring side dressed as Spider-Man, "Man that Mary Jane can sure suck a mean cock. Are we still being filmed by VRAK-TV? Allo les enfants!" Originally, the Hardcore Ninjaz were supposed to defend their IWS tag team titles against the number one contenders: Team Checkmate (Chris Bishop and Lionel Knight). When the two Ontario stars were unable to make it, "Up in Smoke" (Cheech and Cloudy) were booked to take their place. When BOTH teams showed up however, rather than one or the other or BOTH getting title shots, the two teams were matched against one another. So, if you're keeping track at home, both teams came to Montreal expecting a crack at the IWS titles and neither team got it. The two high flying teams put on quite an exhibition of suicidal stupidity with Team Checkmate being more purposeful in their insanity. Ultimately, the two teams became victims of the IWS' new rules when Chris Bishop gave Cloudy a fall away slam from the apron to the floor wiping out both teams for a double count out at 13:02. After the match, Chris Bishop attacked the referee in frustration. In perhaps his best match in the IWS, "American Idol" Shayne Hawke beat Player Uno after 9:10 in a four corners match that also featured Jimmy Stone and Stupefied. Hawke was impressive throughout the match never more so than during a dive sequence where Hawke used Stupefied to give him momentum for an out of nowhere dive on Player Uno that flattened the Eight Bit Luchador and electrified the crowd. Stupefied continues to show solid progression in the IWS. Player Uno unveiled another new outfit this time paying tribute to Luigi. Jimmy Stone, well Jimmy Stone is either as Joey Soprano claims the most heterosexual man in wrestling or he has the best looking beard that I have ever seen. Mom always tells me, "If you can't say anything nice... You must be talking about Manny." You could say that the match between Above Standards and the Rock and Cock Connection was inevitable. For months, Above Standards, easily the most loathed team ever to set foot in the IWS ring, have been doing the only thing that the IWS fans can approve of: getting their asses kicked. Meanwhile, the loveable underdogs Twiggy and Pornstar Juan have been valiantly trying to compete against monsters. Above Standards were very fortunate to win this match. With the referee poised to disqualify him, Eric Lauze knocked himself loopy with a chair that bounced off the ropes when Pornstar Juan dove out of the way. Twiggy was poised to win the match with a cross body block off the top ropes, until Carl Choquette flipped over the pin and flopped on top of his partner to ensure the win at 9:04... Much to the disgust of just about everybody other than Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze. Dressed as Rocky Balboa, Fred la Merveille came to the ring with his personal trainer "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer to face El Generico. Max has his work cut out for him. To his credit, Fred adapted to the new rules of the IWS the fastest rolling El Generico into the ring to break up the count and back out again to continue the punishment. This also led to the most amazing dive sequence that I have seen in some time as El Generico dove from the outside of the ring through the ropes on on one side, out the ropes on the other corner and into Fred. After some fighting and a series of reversals in the corner, Fred hit a massive running Super-Plex out of nowhere on the Generic Luchadore to give himself a shot at victory but blew his chance with a wacky dance celebration. El Generico made him pay for that with the pin at 12:16. Following the pin, Fred snapped and provoked El Generico with a series of slaps to the face. Finally, El Generico gave Fred a massive BRAAAAAAAINBUSSSSSTTTTTTAAAHHH! to the delight of the crowd. It would appear that without the malign influence of Kevin Steen (literally on the other side of the world wrestling for Dragon's Gate in Japan) El Generico is back to his crowd pleasing ways. It's not that Fred is incapable of wrestling without clowning around. It's just that he seems addicted to the clowning. He is a clownaholic, to coin a phrase. When given sufficient motivation, Fred is one of the most talented wrestlers in Quebec. The best example of that was the match between Fred and Kevin Steen for the IWS title. Mind you, Kevin Steen could piss off Ronald MacDonald enough to make the hamburger spokesman wipe the great big red smile off his face and plant his size sixteen triple EEEs up Steen's fat ass. On the other hand, tactically, it might have made better sense for Beef Wellington to try and put EXesS off his game by clowning in the ring, rather than getting serious with the submission specialist like he did last night during their best two out of three falls match. EXesS went to the submissions early, at one point clamping on an arm bar so fierce that the only way that Beef could break it was to lift EXesS off the mat and literally kick his ass until EXesS let go of the arm bar. The first pin illustrated how dangerous EXesS can be in the ring. With his stretch muffler variant locked in, EXesS used Beef's own momentum to roll Beef into a pin at 6:27. Beef fought back to take the second pin at 12:24 and had chances to win the match, but ultimately EXesS proved too canny for Beef and won the match outright at 23:57. One can only wonder if EXesS will use this victory as a spring-board to put himself back into contention for the IWS title that he lost to the present champion Viking. Many former IWS champions including most notably Kevin Steen and Franky the Mobster have used the momentum of a win against Beef to propel them to the IWS title. Of course, beating Beef is not enough. If all it took to win the IWS title was beating Beef, Kid Kamikaze would have won the IWS title more times than Ric Flair won the World Heavyweight title. Dan Paysan came out to explain that he was not wrestling after separating his shoulder during a match in Ontario. Dan reminded the crowd that he had lead a group of stars from another Quebec fed into the IWS, "I broke the ground, I paved the way, I took the punishment, I gave you the match of the night, night after night. Franky the Mobster comes in. *BAM* IWS Champion. 2.0 come in. *BAM* IWS Tag Team Champion's. What do I get? I get to tag with that big goombah Tomassino. And after I hurt my back carrying that big piece of shit, they give me D-Vyne as a manager, that dumb bitch. So, I have decided that I am not going to wait for my shot. I am going to take my title. Next month, Jagged. You remember Jagged? One half of 2.0? Well, he's off celebrating his win as IWS Canadian Champion in the Promised Land, wherever that is. When he gets back next month, I am taking his IWS Canadian title away." Dan tied to sow dissent between Jagged and his injured partner, Shane Matthews, by asking the IWS colour man why Jagged had left him behind when he went to the promised land. Provoked, Shane accepted the challenge on behalf of Jagged and threw Dan into the ring post injured shoulder first and then followed up with a thunderous chair shot. Technically, Dan is forgetting that NCW star Nova-Cain made his IWS debut at the first IWS show as "The Insurance Policy" and that Franky the Mobster appeared at that very first show as well. Both TNT and Heavy Maxx Fury were stars in NCW as well as the IWS (as was Sexxxy Eddy). It is also amusing that Dan completely ignored Jimmy Stone, but then again I've heard Dan refer to Jimmy as "That guy with Jimmy Stone's girlfriend". The Flaming Tables match for the IWS Tag Team Titles had all the markings of a PCP Crazy Fucking Manny trap. Clever, yes, but too damn clever for its own good. The very first time that the Ninjaz lost the IWS tag Team titles back in 2002 it was to Iceberg and FOD in a Flaming Tables match. So putting the Ninjaz in a Flaming Tables match is a good idea. Putting them against Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom is a good idea. Combining the two ideas is a TERRIBLE plan, because all of the two big men's advantages are negated by a Flaming Tables match where they don't have to be pinned to lose. Just for the record, the only way that Iceberg and FOD could EVER win a match especially against the Ninjaz was in a Flaming Tables match. Right away, Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom showed their partnership and Dru Onyx' incredible strength as the Bajan Bomber used his own partner as a weapon body slamming the Green Phantom onto the Evil Ninja. Onyx and Phantom had many chances to win as both men had Ninjaz in their grasp and a burring table ready, but each time the elusive Ninjaz broke free at the last instant. The Green Phantom did manage to put both Ninjaz through Flaming Chairs, but it wasn't a Flaming Chairs match. The Ninjaz translator would like me to point out that the Ninjaz have history with both of these men. A long and bloody history with the Green Phantom, and a smaller but if anything more bitter history with Onyx. Most important would be to note that Dru Onyx lost his IWS title to the Arsenal in a ladders match because both Ninjaz were keeping him busy while the Arsenal climbed his way to the top of the IWS mountain. In the end, the Green Phantom looked ready to win the match with a burning table and Hardcore Ninja Number One helpless on the top rope... until the Evil Ninja ambushed the Green Phantom out of nowhere with light tubes and both Ninjaz combined to put the big man through the Flaming Table with a double power bomb at 8:53. This continues the Ninjaz impressive 2006 win streak. So far the Ninjaz have a perfect record in 2006. Two more notes from the Ninjaz translator. First, the Evil Ninja is really called Hardcore Ninja Number Two. Yeah. Evil Ninja uses less letters. Two, Quote - Ninjaz invented the ambush - Unquote. In the main event of the evening, Viking outlasted (and outstood) "Paranoid" Jake Mathews and "Canadian Dynamite" Max Boyer to successfully defend his IWS title after 13:49 of a vicious brawl. Max Boyer demonstrated his toughness (and perhaps a partial Samoan heritage) by winning a nasty head-BUTT duel with Jake Mathews, but this tactical victory may have been a strategic mistake as it opened the door for Viking's victory. After the match, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny came to the ring and reminded the crowd that he had guaranteed that neither Max Boyer nor Viking would be standing under their own power by the end of the night and he intended to keep his promise. Just then, Pierre Carl Ouellet hit the ring to destroy Max Boyer with a huge power bomb and obliterate Viking by throwing him from the ring to the outside. Manny declared that wrestling in Quebec as we know it is dead and that after devoting his life to pleasing wrestling fans (especially the fans of Quebec) that it was "Time for PCO to do what he wants to do, to do what he likes to do, to do what he does best and that's hurting people. I'm stepping away from the IWS to manage PCO's career. We will go everywhere. We will go anywhere. And wherever we go, whenever we go, we will hurt people." So, if you would like to book PCO and Manny, get in touch with me. They hurt people and they're proud of it. My boss, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny, exploring new ways to be a dickhead. He's like the Christopher Columbus of ass holes.

When We Were Marks A Strange Form of Equality When the bell rang to mark the end of the fight, Genevieve Goulet had no idea that she had just won the longest and most important match of her wrestling career. Better known as Precious Lucy, Lucy Fer, or more recently as Lufisto, nick-named “The First Lady of Hardcore”, Goulet has wrestled all over the world, winning titles, matches and fans in Japan, Mexico and all over North America... but not in Ontario. In order to compete against the very best, both to learn and to prove herself, Lufisto frequently wrestles against men. In 2002, she was scheduled for just such a match when she was informed that the Ontario Athletic Commission had a rule on the books strictly forbidding inter-gender matches. Rather than meekly submitting, Lufisto decided to fight, complaining to the Ontario Human Rights Commission that the OAC’s rules violated her rights. When the phone bell rang on Sunday, February 26th, 2006, it was the bell ringing victory for Lufisto in her match against the OAC. The OHRC had ruled in her favour. In wrestling terminology, a bout lasting thirty minutes or more is considered an “Iron-Man” match; a sixty minute contest is called “going Broadway”. One has to ask: What do you call a fight that lasts four years? ******************************************************************************** ****************** “Too extreme for Upper Canada! Banned in Ontario! Here to help Eddy strip, the First Lady of Hardcore... Precious Lucy!” - "Iron" Mike Patterson The first time that I saw Lufisto (or Precious Lucy as she was known then) was in the summer 2002 at a show put on by the Internet Wrestling Syndicate (now known as the International Wrestling Syndicate.) A grudge match for the IWS title was scheduled between former tag partners Sexxxy Eddy and the Arsenal. As the team “Sexxx and Violence”, the two men had terrorized the IWS. In fact, it was in a tag match (with special stipulations) that Eddy had won the IWS title, pinning then champion PCP Crazy F’N Manny with a big assist from the Arsenal. The team collapsed during the Extreme Dream tournament to crown the first IWS tag team champions. The Arsenal saw the tournament as his chance to win gold. Eddy saw the tournament as a way to put off defending his IWS title. When the team was eliminated from the tournament, the Arsenal snapped, attacked Eddy and stole Eddy’s belt. This set up the grudge match for the IWS title. Eddy’s gimmick is part porn star, part stripper. He starts every match by having a woman, usually pulled from the crowd, help him tear his clothing off. On this occasion, Lucy, an attractive five foot, three inch blonde, was announced as a celebrity “stripper” for Eddy, but before she could help Eddy tear off his pants, the Arsenal hit the ring with a kendo stick to ambush both Eddy and Lucy. After his initial advantage wore off, the Arsenal ended up losing the match as Lucy pitched in to help Eddy win. In short, Lucy cost the Arsenal his chance to win the IWS title. The bloodiest feud in the history of the IWS, and some say in Quebec wrestling, had just begun. ******************************************************************************** ****************** “Ring 'n Ears were gimmick events we would put on twice a year featuring ALL gimmick matches along with hardcore rock and grunge bands. The rule of 'promotional thumb' was the crazier the better, and the fans we drew reflected that perfectly.” - Chris Drury Ring ‘n Ears was run by Billy Blood and F from the band Bad Blood. Each event they promoted they would hire a new organization to bring in matches. The first couple events were handled by Renegade Wrestling Alliance. Next they used Apocalypse Wrestling Federation owned by Ron Hutchison. Next they used Chris Drury. - “Bloody” Bill Skullion “We were getting massive heat and expectancy from people who were jacked about us bringing a 'hardcore chick' in to work with the other guys in that match.” - Chris Drury. Early in 2002, promoter Chris Drury was planning his Spring Ring ‘n Ears event and he needed a main-event match for Bloody Bill Skullion, an Ontario hardcore wrestling icon, undefeated at Ring ‘n Ears. A decision was made to approach Precious Lucy. Since this would be the first time that Lucy wrestled for Drury’s promotion, in order to draw the fans interested in hardcore wrestling, Chris Drury made a fateful decision. He would sell Precious Lucy to the fans by making a promise. He promised blood. ******************************************************************************** ****************** “Precious Lucy is the first and only woman wrestler ever to participate in the Tournament of the Icons. You have to understand that I usually have no interest in watching women wrestle. Wrestling isn’t supposed to be a fashion contest or a beauty pageant. But Lucy is different. She hits as hard as a man and when you knock her down, she’ll get back up and spit in your eye, ready for more. You have to respect that. Plus, she can kick my ass.” - Joseph FitzMorris The next step in the Arsenal/Precious Lucy feud was The Tournament of the Icons in Deux Montagnes. Lucy beat up the host of the event, Joseph FitzMorris, who had “lost” her entry form, and she forced him to enter her in a second round bout of the tournament, turning a match between TNT and the Arsenal into a three-way dance. Lucy ended up getting double-teamed and, bleeding profusely, was pinned by the Arsenal who stole the win vulture style from TNT. The Arsenal had his victory and his revenge, but he and Lucy were just getting started. ******************************************************************************** ****************** “There was this clause in the act that oversees professional wrestling, stating that a man and woman may not come into contact in the ring.” - Lufisto “Due to OAC regulations, and as a result of a complaint to the Commission’s Office and attention, ‘Precious Lucy’ WILL NOT be permitted to perform in a mixed match setting at this coming Saturday’s (March 16th) RING ‘n’ EARS show.” - Gerry O’Neill (from his article) “Some rival promoter in Toronto decided to file a complaint with the Ontario Athletic Commission.” - Lufisto “They called and stooged us out to the Athletics Commission over using Lucy in an inter-gender match.” - Chris Drury “Apparently beating up a midget is perfectly okay, as long as it’s a guy, but you’re not allowed to compete against a trained woman who can defend herself.” - “Bloody” Bill Skullion “I was fucking pissed.” - Chris Drury Wrestling being both a business filled with secrets, and a culture predicated to keeping those secrets, no one feels comfortable going on the record, but documents filed with the OAC indicates that it was Ron Hutchison, promoter for the now defunct Apocalypse Wrestling Federation, who made the complaint. Almost immediately, the OAC informed Chris Drury that there was a rule on the books forbidding a man and a woman to make contact in a wrestling or boxing ring. In other words, Drury’s main event was ruined. ******************************************************************************** ****************** “This match is an IWS title match and it is our main event. Our champion, from the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains, the Green Phantom... and his challenger, from Cochrane, Ontario, the Arsenal. Since our regular referee has just been injured, we need a referee for our main event. Now normally, I would be delighted to make myself the special guest referee, but I have a close personal friend who is even more eager to do it. Ladies and Gentlemen, the First Lady of Hardcore, Precious Lucy!” - Sexxxy Eddy During the Summer of 2003, the IWS was invited to perform an outdoor show on the Main (St-Laurent Boulevard), as part of the Montreal Fringe Festival, putting our ring in the middle of the street. In the main event, the Arsenal had another opportunity to win the coveted IWS title, this time from the Green Phantom who had beaten Sexxxy Eddy for the IWS title the month after the Arsenal failed to beat Eddy for the title. The special guest referee Precious Lucy called the match down the middle, but the Arsenal allowed himself to be distracted by the presence of his rival, leading to his defeat by the IWS champion, the Green Phantom. Once again, Precious Lucy’s presence had cost the Arsenal the IWS title. The Arsenal at the time was also the IWS web-master and within hours, he hijacked the IWS web-site to publicly challenge Precious Lucy to a one-on-one match. Lucy accepted almost as quickly. IWS fans, anticipating a bloodbath, became giddy with excitement. ******************************************************************************** ****************** “WWF Smackdown recently emanated from, Ottawa, Ontario. Where the WWF experienced no objections from the OAC, when they promoted an inter-gender match between Mighty Molly and the Hurricane, when [we] approached the OAC to question this inconsistency in their policy, they were conveniently unavailable for comment.” - Gerry O’Neill (from his article) “The other promotion (that made the complaint) was doing a gimmick where the promoter’s partner was having a series of matches against women.” - “Bloody” Bill Skullion “I sent a shit-load of pictures in of that other promotion running inter-gender matches, to try and back up our defence to let Lucy come in.” - Chris Drury “Fucking Hypocrisy.” - “Notorius T.I.D.” Chris Tidwell “It was only when the Commissioner threatened to pull my bond and license and suspend me from promoting that I knew we had lost.” - Chris Drury Chris Drury fought for his main event, but when the OAC threatened to pull his license, he was forced to give in and inform Lucy that he was not allowed to bring her to Ontario. While, in theory, Precious Lucy could wrestle in Ontario against other women, the lack of qualified talent to wrestle against her had led directly to her gimmick of wrestling hardcore matches against men. Making a virtue out of necessity and leading directly to her popularity. The ruling essentially banned Lucy from Ontario. ******************************************************************************** ****************** "He's a hairy fucking midget" - The Green Phantom "Arsenal n'est pas credible comme lutteur. Il n'est pas un gros bonhomme avec du shape." - From the French wrestling web-site info-lutte.com "He kicks like a mule, he punches harder than men twice his size and he has a mean streak the size of the Grand Canyon. God damn grinning gargoyle." - Sexxxy Eddy "Hailing from Cochrane, Ontario, he is your Montreal Death Match Champion and the Sickest Son of a Bitch to walk the streets of Chomedey, Laval. He is the One Man War, the Arsenal!" - "Iron" Mike Patterson To understand the Lucy/Arsenal feud properly, you have to understand the Arsenal. His real name is Derek Arsenault. His family lives in Cochrane, Ontario, but are descended from a very old Acadian family from New Brunswick. In fact, I am a distant cousin to the Arsenal. (My maternal Grandmother's maiden name was Arsenault.) Our joint Acadian genetic heritage left us both short, both hairy and both as stubborn as badgers. There are some Quebec wrestling fans who refuse to respect any wrestler under 6 feet tall or under 200 pounds. For these fans, the Arsenal is the poster boy for everything that they claim is wrong with Quebec independant wrestling. The other side of the coin are the fans who recognize the Arsenal's martial arts training which make his strikes very convincing and who appreciate the Arsenal's utter determination to win no matter what the costs. They also appreciate that while the Arsenal specializes in matches where a variety of foreign objects are used ranging from kendo sticks to tables to light tubes to chairs to thumb-tacks to barbed wire to even more outré material, what makes the Arsenal stand out in these matches is that the moves that he uses are delivered with crisp precision. In fact, the Arsenal's proudest moment is the move that he is most famous for: giving El Generico a Death Valley Driver off the upper balcony of the Medley to the floor... and through five tables. What he is proud of is not that the move was off the upper balcony; not that he and El Generico went through five tables; not that many critics hailed it as one of the top ten bumps of 2003; not even that he won the match as a result. What makes the Arsenal proud is that he delivered the move... perfectly. The key to understanding the Arsenal's character is his smile. Normally, wrestling is very clear-cut, the good guys smile and the bad guys frown. The Arsenal has almost always been a villain in the IWS and yet throughout his matches he smiles. This seeming paradox is explained by the fact that the Arsenal always grins the most when he is about to do something devastatingly vicious to his opponent. It's a death's head grin not unlike that of Batman's arch-foe the Joker. "I hurt people for a living," the Arsenal's grin seems to say, "And God do I enjoy my job!" ******************************************************************************** ****************** "Lucy was to team up with Notorious T.I.D. ... Their opponents were to be 'Bloody' Bill Skullion... [and] Phil Latio, who did an extremely hardcore homo gimmick." - Chris Drury "It was supposed to be me and Skullion against Lucy and Latio." - "Notorious T.I.D." Chris Tidwell "The match was my idea. It was going to be me and Tidwell against Lucy... and a midget." - "Bloody" Bill Skullion "His name is Otto Bahn. He's not a midget." - Lufisto "I said, he's a midget!" - "Bloody" Bill Skullion "I don't remember at all. Was I even going to be in this match?" - Phil Latio "We added Latio later to make it an inter-gender-bender match." - "Bloody" Bill Skullion Four years later, it is not surprising that memories vary as to the details of a match that never took place. It is somewhat startling (and funny) that no one who was going to be in the match will admit that they were going to be Lucy's partner. What everyone agrees on is that the match was scheduled to be a Tables match, where all the members of a team need to be put through a table for the opposing team to win. They also all agree that any match involving Bill Skullion was inevitably going to be "Bloody". ******************************************************************************** ****************** "This ain't ballet." - Jim Ross, WWF play-by-play announcer. "Ric Flair is wearing a Crimson Mask!" - Gordon Solie, NWA play-byplay announcer "We had two pics we were using for promotion that Lucy had sent, one 'regular' pose, and one pose with her showing colour... the shock value was really exciting." - Chris Drury "Showing Colour", "Juicing" and "Crimson Mask" are wrestling slang for the wrestlers bleeding. It is one of the strange traditions of wrestling that tend to bring it into disrepute to outsiders. And it should be said that there are a certain number of fans, referred to as "blood marks", whose appetite for blood leaves even other wrestling fans uncomfortable. On the other hand, wrestling is deep down a story-telling art, linking the dynamic of sport to the narrative structure of drama. The first step of any story-telling art is to suspend the disbelief of their audience. No one goes to see Romeo and Juliet expecting to see the actor playing Romeo to drink real poison, go into convulsions and die on the stage. On the other hand, they do have an expectation for that actor to make Romeo's death look convincing. In the same way, there are times when to make a match more convincing it is necessary for a wrestler to fake an injury. And there are times when the best fake injury is a real injury; the most convincing blood is neither ketchup nor make-up but real blood. Wrestlers, in other words, are frequently method actors. In wrestling narrative, the best stories are "blood feuds" that involve a building hatred between two opponents who are equally matched in the ring but as different from one another as light and day. The polite reserved Rick Steamboat against the flamboyant egoist Randy Savage; the conceited and cowardly Tully Blanchard against the handsome but humble Magnum T.A.; the working class Dusty Rhodes against the aristocratic Ric Flair. When the tensions between two rivals build week after week, month after month, inevitably it must lead to some final show down, what is called a "blow-off" match, presumably referring to the fact that the pressure around the match will "blow-off" like a badly secured pressure cooker's lid heading for orbit. When a wrestler hates his opponent enough to deliberately maim him that tells you something of the passion surrounding the match. When the bleeding man, in turn, chooses to struggle on despite his injury, it tells you even more. Wrestling fans have a short-hand for describing especially bloody matches. They refer to the "Muta Scale". The Great Muta or Keiji Mutoh is a Japanese wrestler, generally considered one of the best wrestlers ever to step into the squared circle, despite, like baseball's Andre Dawson, battling chronically bad knees for most of his career. His name has passed into legend, however, thanks to a series of bloody matches that he had with Hiroshi Hase. For the whole summer of 2002, the Arsenal and Precious Lucy circled each other. About the same size, they were equal physically with the Arsenal having an edge in experience. Both were known for hardcore matches; both were known for bleeding; both were known for taking an incredible amount of punishment to take down; both were known for going to extremes to win. The IWS fans, known as "Hardcore Soldiers" were expecting something special... ******************************************************************************** ****************** "[To replace Lucy] We had a 'Slaughterhouse Battle Royal' (tons of plunder, heavy juice hardcore battle royal) and a completely sick, 'take it out onto the street' main event with Skullion and Phil Latio." - Chris Drury "I proceeded to file a complaint with the Ontario Human Rights Commission. This was the only route I could take if I wanted to fight the government." - Lufisto While Chris Drury scrambled to replace his ruined main event, Lucy decided to begin a fight in a different arena and made a complaint with the Ontario Human Rights Commission that her human rights and her ability to make a living as a wrestler were being unfairly restricted based purely on her gender. The OHRC encouraged Lucy in her complaint, agreeing with her that it was a violation of her rights. They did warn her however that the process of over-turning the rule might take some time. Lucy filled out the paper work and prepared to wait, little knowing that the fight would take close to four full years. ******************************************************************************** ****************** "I won that match. That was not a match about pin falls or submissions. It was a match about blood. And I out bled a woman! That has to count for something." - The Arsenal "I pinned the Arsenal." - Lufisto "The winner of this match, the First Lady of Hardcore, Precious Lucy!" - "Iron" Mike Patterson Lucy beat the Arsenal. History records that she had a bit of help from Elsa Bangz. Pictures show that Lucy had a Crimson Mask and they show her latex wresling uniform covered in blood. What they don't necessarily show; what was obvious live - most of the blood on Lufisto wasn't hers. The Arsenal didn't just bleed, he gushed. He bled so much that Lucy had more of his blood on her than she shed herself. To this day he complains about the match because the blood on Lucy's latex, his blood on Lucy's latex, made her too slippery to properly apply wrestling moves. It offends his perfectionist streak that some of his moves were less than crisp as a result. For those of us live it was a spectacle that we will probably never forget. The Arsenal grinning through a haze of red, looking like he was auditioning for the part of Mephistopheles. Lucy taking out all the frustrations of a summer of the Arsenal's taunting... and perhaps, taking out on the Arsenal her frustrations at being effectively banned in Ontario. And I remember most vividly the end as Lucy celebrated her victory and the Arsenal sat slumped, bloody and defeated, as broom-boy Enzo swept the great pools of blood from the ring to soak into le Skratch's floor. ******************************************************************************** ****************** "If you can't protect yourself, don't get into the ring." - Lufisto It may seem like a strange form of equality, being free to be beaten up in a wrestling ring by men who usually are taller and heavier than you. Aren't women victimized enough by violence? Why would you want to invite it? On the other hand, when Manon Rheaume played nets, the men that she played against didn't take anything off their slap-shots, nor would she have expected them to. Michelle Wie does not expect men to miss putts so that she can win tournaments in their place. When Ericka Schmutz plays murderball aka wheelchair rugby, she is not expecting the other male athletes to ram her chair any less hard. And on the gripping hand, no one is forcing Lufisto to wrestle other men. She does it because she is good enough to want to face the best competition in the world. Sometimes, especially in Japan and Mexico, that means other women. But sometimes the only way to get better is to challenge yourself, to get into the ring against a better, stronger opponent and to try and find a way to survive, maybe even to win. That means that Lufisto gets into the ring against men. And when they knock her down, she gets back up and spits in their eyes. In the confines of a wrestling ring, to show respect for Lufisto, to give her the respect that she demands and deserves is to hold nothing back - to punch her like a man, to throw her like a man, to twist her in submissions holds like a man. It is in this context that men that we normally consider villains become heroes of a sort. Men like the Arsenal, men like Shane Matthews - once famously disqualified during an inter-gender match for being too violent, men perhaps like "Bloody" Bill Skullion, "Notorious T.I.D." Chris Tidwell, Phil Latio, Otto Bahn. It may be a strange form of respect. It may be a strange form of equality. But it is a real one. High lights of the Arsenal/Lucy match can be found here: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com/newvids/arseLucy.wmv For historical information on the now defunct Ring ‘n’ Ears click www.ringnears.com For information on Lufisto click www.lufisto.com

When We Were Marks Montreal Hits and Myths I never understood why WWE worked so hard to not hire wrestling announcers and now I do. WWE announcers are storytellers and professional announcers need to be taught storytelling. - Joey Styles When sports are at their best, at their most dramatic, they can achieve the level of modern myth: the curse of the Bambino; Lou Gehrig’s retirement ceremony; Willie Mays’ catch; Joe Namath predicts victory; Larry Bird steals victory; Ted Williams hits a home-run in his last at-bat; Carlton Fisk waves his home run fair; Bill Mazerowski’s home run; Joe Carter’s home run; Curt Schilling’s bloody sock; Bobby Baun wins a Stanley Cup with a broken leg; the Olympic Loonie; Bill Barilko wins a Stanley Cup, disappears on a fishing trip and the Leafs don’t win a Cup again until his body is found The difference between wrestling and other sports is that where other sports are content to wait for these great stories; these great myths to simply happen, wrestling goes out in search of them, harnessing the narrative power of story-telling to the dramatic potential of sport. Living in Montreal, a sports fan has an abundance of myths to choose from. The career of Maurice “Rocket” Richard alone has more myths associated with it than most sports franchises can boast. For sports fans of my generation, however, there are two games, two myths that loom above all others. Two games which influence not just how we react to sport; but how we react to wrestlers - who we cheer for and why. (Or I may just be speaking for myself here.) The first game is referred to by many as “The Greatest Hockey Game Ever Played.” Ironically it was a “meaningless” exhibition game, and while it may be the most important game ever played by the Montreal Canadians - the first step towards four straight Stanley Cups - the game itself finished in a tie. Montreal Canadians fans refer to it simply as the “New Year’s Eve Game.” The second game is the most heart-breaking moment in the history of the Montreal Expos franchise. (Now hiding out under a witness protection program in Washington, D.C.) Again, ironically, it is also in a way the moment of greatest triumph for the team; the high water mark for the franchise; the closest that the Expos ever got to the World Series. Montreal fans refer to this game and this day simply as “Blue Monday.” The New Year’s Eve Game Wednesday, December 31, 1975 In 1972, a team of Soviet All-Stars took on a team of Canadian All-Stars in the famous Summit Series, playing first four games in North America and then four games in the Soviet Union. The Soviets shocked Canadians and professional hockey by winning the first game handily and leaving North America with a 2-1-1 series lead. The Soviets won the fifth game back... back in the U.S.S.R. which left Team Canada with the unenviable task of having to win the last three games of the series in the Soviet Union to win the series. Years before Rocky felled Ivan Drago, Phil Esposito and an unlikely hero named Paul Henderson rallied the Canadian team and accomplished the impossible. Before the Summit Series, Canadians smugly assumed that they had the best hockey players in the world. The Soviets strangle hold on Olympic hockey was the result of the exclusion of professional hockey players from the Olympic tournament. Even as Canadians celebrated their victory in the Summit Series, our confidence in our hockey abilities as a nation took a dramatic hit. The victory took too much effort for us to ever underestimate the Soviets again. In 1975, the Soviets came back to North America, this time bringing not an all-star team, but two clubs roughly the equivalent of a NHL team: Krilya Sovetov aka the Wings of the Soviet (with five players added from Moscow Spartak) and the Moscow Central Red Army team (with two players added from Moscow Dynamo.) The Wings of the Soviet were a good team. The Central Red Army team, on the other hand, were monsters. The key to understanding the Red Army team was that in the Soviet Union, what the Red Army wanted, the Red Army got. As a result, the core of the Soviet national team was the Central Red Army team. The team included the best goaltender in the world in Vladislav Tretiak, possibly its best player in Valeri Kharlamov and the intense genius of its coach Anatoly Tarasov. They were scheduled to face the most successful team in NHL history, the Montreal Canadians, on New Year’s Eve. The game was the very first hockey game that I ever saw on television and is commonly referred to by people who saw it as the best hockey game ever played. It was a total clash of styles with the Canadians using clean but rugged fore-checking to slow the Soviets down, while trying to score on Tretiak by peppering him with shots and pouncing on rebounds. The Soviets, in turn, relied on their speed and played a puck control game trying to pull Ken Dryden out of position to more easily score. As a result, Dryden only faced 13 shots, but all of them were great scoring opportunities, while Tretiak faced 38 shots but most of them were harmless. The game finished in a 3-3 tie. Eleven days later, the Central Red Army team faced the two-time and defending Stanley Cup champions, the Philadelphia Flyers. The “Broad Street Bullies” pulled out all the stops, bringing in their good luck charm Kate Smith to sing “God Bless America”. Then to hedge their bets, Flyers defenceman Ed Van Impe tried to take Valeri Kharlamov’s head off with a vicious elbow. The Soviets left the ice and when they were coaxed to return, sulked their way through the game... losing 4-1. The Flyers won their game; the Canadians merely tied. One would think that the Flyers had proved that they were the best team in the NHL and by extension the best team in the world. The Flyers, whose team concept was built on a team of fighters who happened to play hockey - led by the grinning, toothless assassin Bobby Clarke - beat the Red Army the same way that they won two Stanley Cups: by pummeling their opponents down until they couldn’t get back up any more. And yet, the team that swaggered out of the exhibition series convinced of its own greatness was the Montreal Canadians. The Habs knew that they could fight the Flyers on their own terms, no team with Larry Robinson and Bob Gainey and Serge Savard on it was going to knuckle under and go quietly. But now they also knew that they could play the best hockey team in the world on its own terms - without cheating - and battle them to a draw. The key to the Montreal Canadians dynasty that was just starting to roll was the arrogance of the team. One of the striking elements of the NHL of the time was that teams had personalities. The Islanders were the hard-working blue collar team; the Bruins were the hard luck team; the Flyers were brawlers; the Canadians were the arrogant aristocrats. In wrestling terms, it might be easy to refer to the Flyers as heels. The truth was though that while they cheerfully referred to themselves as Bullies, the Flyers had too much fun beating people up to be villains. The top heels of the NHL were the Canadians. The entire Montreal Canadians team practiced a form of psychologial warfare on the league - from Pierre Mondou (when he joined the team in 1977) referring to himself as the fourth best center of the league which meant on the Canadians that he played on the third line; from Steve Shutt joking that he preferred it when Guy Lafleur was having an off day because that way Shutt could score more goals on Lafleur’s rebounds; from Ken Dryden complaining that he found it difficult to concentrate on his goal-tending because his defence was so good that he didn’t get enough shots on him to stay sharp. In fact, Dryden’s famous pose was to rest his chin on his goalie stick in a posture that screamed: “I’M BORED!” But nowhere was the Montreal Canadians power of creating their own myths so evident than the myth of Larry Robinson. Called “Big Bird” because of his size and his bushy hair, Robinson was known as a ferocious fighter, but he was rarely challenged partly because he scared the crap out of other players and partly because Robinson could knock you out with a clean check and as a result didn’t need to play dirty. The NHL myth of Larry Robinson was that you didn’t dare piss Robinson off, because a calm Robinson could bury you, but a pissed off Robinson could destroy an entire team. This lead to perhaps the funniest and most triumphant moment in Robinson’s career when in 1986, during the playoffs Boston Bruin Louis Sleigher elbowed Robinson in the head and the entire Bruins bench visibly froze. Robinson picked himself up, single-handedly decimated the demoralized Bruins and then led the Canadians to a Stanley Cup victory. The truth of the Robinson myth was that when other teams refrained from playing Robinson physically, he roamed unchecked on the point, anchoring one of the most dangerous scoring units in hockey. When they did play the body on them, he used the contact to motivate himself. But, like with the Bruins, the myth of Robinson was so powerful that most teams were beaten before Big Bird even had to throw the first check. In much the same way that Ric Flair won most of his matches before he ever set foot in the ring, so too did the Montreal Canadians. They taught me the virtue of excellence; they taught me the value of arrogance; they taught me to cheer for technical heels. Blue Monday Monday, Oct. 19, 1981 One of the ironies that doomed the Expos is that they had their best success during seasons cut short by strikes. In 1994, they had the best record in baseball when the season was cancelled. In 1981, the Expos after years of coming close finally won the National League East, beating the Philadelphia Phillies. Because in 1981 the strike came in the middle of the season, the season was divided in half with the best team from the first half squaring off against the best team from the second half. The Phillies won the first half, the Expos the second. The team that won the most games in the National League East that year was actually the St. Louis Cardinals, but they had to watch from the sidelines. After beating the Phillies in a five game series, the Expos moved on to face the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers were old; the Expos young - a dynamic only emphasized by the fact that before the Expos were added to the league in 1969, the Montreal Triple AAA franchise, the Montreal Royals, was the Dodgers’ farm team. It was partly as a result of that connection that Walter O’Malley, the Dodgers’ owner, threw his support behind the Montreal bid for a team in 1969. In many ways, the relationship, the rivalry between the Dodgers and the Expos was that between a parent and a teenage child: fractious but affectionate. (In fact, what could be described as the proudest moment in the Dodgers franchise - the breaking of the colour barrier - is a piece of history shared with Montreal. It was on the Royals where Jackie Robinson first played professional baseball. To this day, Jackie’s widow considers Montreal her second home. It was famously said of Montreal and Jackie Robinson after he helped the Royals win the pennant that it was the first time in the history of race relations that a crowd of white people chased a black man intent on lifting him on their shoulders rather than stretching his neck.) The Dodgers and the Expos traded leads in the five game series. It came down to game five, postponed from Sunday to Monday after Montreal Expos manager Jim Fanning used a fake weather report to postpone the game a day and give his veteran starter Ray Burris an extra day of rest to give him the best chance of beating uber-rookie Fernando Valenzuela. Fanning, the long-time head of the Expos extremely successful farm system, was brought in to replace Dick Williams late in the 1981 season. His big strength as a manager was that he knew all the players and they knew him; the affection and the trust was mutual. But where Fanning could motivate his players to perform to what he knew was their best, he was not necessarily the best baseball tactician. Fanning made two fateful decisions that doomed the Expos trip to the World Series. With the game tied at 1-1 and one out, and no one on in the bottom of the eighth, Fanning yanked Burris to unsuccessfully pinch hit with the young Tim Wallach. This forced Fanning to go to his shaky and exhausted bullpen. Burris had pitched a strong game and showed no signs of tiring. With Jeff Reardon available, Fanning called for the Expos ace starter Steve Rogers. This was not as bone-headed a decision as it might appear at first blush. Rogers had a small but successful history as a reliever. And Jeff Reardon, while he was the Expos closer was not yet a super-star fireman. Not to mention that Reardon was suffering from a bad back. Rogers got two quick outs, before Dodgers bench player Rick Monday came to the plate and lifted a harmless looking outfield fly that just kept carrying and carrying and carrying... over the head of a helpless Andre Dawson and into the right field bleachers... And in Montreal, across Canada, but especially for me in East Dover, Nova Scotia, the anguished wailing of a thousand, a million Canadian baseball fans howled into the sky. The heartbreak continued as “Le Kid” Gary Carter blasted two monstrous foul balls, but unlike Fisk, Carter couldn’t convince the ball to curl fair. The Dodgers walked the baby face Carter and closed out the game to go on to the World Series. The Expos are the only sports team ever to break my heart. That was neither the first nor the last time that the Expos did so. In 1979, they came within two games of winning the pennant. In 1980, they lost the pennant on the last day. In wrestling terms, the Expos were always chasing the title, but never could quite win it. Hearts and Minds Because of the Montreal Canadians and the New Year’s Eve Game, I believe in psychology and I cheer for technical heels. In my mind, there can be no doubt that at WrestleMania XXII, the greatest technical heel of his generation, Kurt Angle, will successfully defend his World title beating Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio Jr. Because of the Montreal Expos and Blue Monday, I believe in the fiery baby face hero chasing the title. In my heart, I know that only one man can possibly win the World title at WrestleMania XXII: Rey Mysterio Jr. Wait a minute... I think my heart has just decided to take my brain out to the woodshed and beat it silly.

Thanks for noticing what I am trying to do.

When We Were Marks That Dangerous Cool It’s been nearly 45 years since the first James Bond film, Dr. No, and we have gotten to the point in the James Bond mythology where films riff off the central myth, in some cases making profound observations about the British and American character. Take two relatively recent examples: Pierce Brosnan’s latest film, The Matador and the Vin Diesel vehicle, xXx. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking, xXx is about as deep as wading pool. Wait for it.) The Matador plays off the fact that the most recent James Bond, Pierce Brosnan, is cast as the alcoholic, over the hill assassin, Julian Noble. Brosnan plays Noble as a witty, charming asshole with pedophiliac tendencies. Magnifying all of Bond’s worst traits. The key to the character and to the film comes from a throw-away line when Julian Noble is talking to Greg Kinnear’s naif character, Danny Wright, during a bull-fight. Julian has just revealed to Danny that he is an assassin and Danny asks him if he works for the government. Julian laughs and responds that there is no money in government work, that he works for large corporations. If I want to send an agent to the lavatory, I need the Foreign Secretary's permission. If I want him to do anything when he gets there, I need the Prime Minister's written approval! - Neil Burnside, The Sandbaggers The fantasy of the James Bond character is not that he kills people for the British Government. The fantasy is that he is paid well and has access to all the wonderful equipment invented by Q. The truth would be more along the lines that the real James Bond would be an over-worked, under-paid bureaucrat strangled by red tape, without the resources that he would need to complete his assignments properly and constantly betrayed by his bosses in the name of political expediency. There are two marvelous examples of this kind of James Bond: the British TV series, The Sandbaggers and the comic book series, Queen and Country. Not to mention most of John LeCarré’s literary work. xXx’s commentary on the James Bond myth comes in the very first scene where a tuxedo clad secret agent tries to infiltrate a rave run by Balkan gangsters. Horribly overdressed, he is quickly caught and killed. The U.S. government recruits the nihilistic anarchist and X Games athlete, Xander Cage, to infiltrate the Balkan mob and succeed where the trained spy failed. The tuxedo clad secret agent is obviously intended to be short hand for James Bond. The film making the point that Bond is too stuffy, too British, too old, to succeed. This is not a new criticism of the James Bond myth, just the most recent. There has always been a profound suspicion on the part of the United States (at least in film and on TV) with “professional” secret agents. US spies on film tend to be amateurs and frequently criminals, It Takes a Thief being a prime example. Consider the longest running and most successful espionage TV series of all time, Mission: Impossible, the whole point of the series being that the US government would recruit amateurs, experts in their own field, to complete impossible missions. Because they were not official agents of the US government, they had no connection back to the US government and could be safely “disavowed”... as they were famously warned in the opening of each episode. Consider also how in the Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible film series that the villains, at least in the first two films, come from WITHIN the Impossible Missions department. There is a point to be made here that if the department did not exist than Tom Cruise’s Ethan Hunt wouldn’t need to save the day. This eagerness to recruit amateurs to do a job, compared to the British preference for professionals, points to a fundamental difference between the two countries. Britain considers foreign affairs to be too important to leave to amateurs, while the United States has always had a profound suspicion of those who pay more attention to matters outside of the United States than within her own borders. Hence the traditional antagonism to the United Nations. There is also an interesting commentary being made about the class system in Britain and the United States. The British secret agent is in the employ of his Government. He is almost always from working class roots and interestingly is frequently Scottish or Irish, while his bosses are almost always English, Aristocratic and wealthy. The US amateur agents, on the other hand, are almost always independently wealthy or at least they don’t need to work. Derek Flint is a dilettante; Alexander Scott is a tennis pro; Matt Helm is a fashion photographer; Rollin Hand is a magician; Alexander Mundy is a thief. Each experts in their chosen field; each independently wealthy; each with time to pursue their amateur espionage; each given and accepting orders from men who DO work for the government for pay and who are frequently the social inferiors to the men that they give orders to. The ultimate expression of this US distrust of secret agents manifested itself in a real life incident during the lead up to the invasion of Iraq: the famous yellow cake uranium from Niger incident. The British Secret Service stumbled on a rumour that Saddam Hussein was buying yellow cake uranium from Niger (or created that rumour) and passed that information to the US government. To investigate the lead, the Bush administration, rather than turning to the CIA, turned to a diplomat, Joseph Wilson. Now granted, Wilson had ties to the CIA both professionally and personally, being married to an undercover CIA agent. Still, in terms of espionage, he was a rank amateur. From published reports, it appears that his investigation consisted of nothing more than going to Niger and asking if anyone was selling uranium to Iraq. (One could almost feel like the Bush administration sent Wilson to Iraq in the hopes that by stirring up the pot, someone from Hussein’s Mukhabarat secret police might be tempted to try and kill Wilson, giving the Bush administration an immediate casus belli for war. Wilson being disposable because he is both a Democrat and a diplomat. This conspiracy theory probably gives the Keystone Kops Bush administration way more credit than it deserves.) For the British on the other hand, while the James Bond myth is obviously an exaggeration, in terms of the fabulous toys that he has at his disposal, the core of the myth, the idea of a Working Class Hero doing the dirty work for his government for a salary, dispassionately, is a key to understanding the British character. Because Britain is an island, dependant on its inter-action and trade with the outside world, dealing with that outside world is a job best left to professionals, trained properly for the job. The educated Aristocratic upper-crust may make the policy decisions, but when it comes to getting one’s hands dirty, the work is best left to the trained working class. The best example of this in the James Bond series comes in my personal favourite James Bond film, For Your Eyes Only. While, like most, I prefer Sean Connery’s Bond to all other versions, this Roger Moore vehicle does allow the Bond myth to address the distinction between personal vengeance and government policy. In the film, the cross-bow wielding Melina Havelock continually crosses paths with Bond. She is on a personal quest for vengeance against the men who killed her parents while they tried to retrieve an encryption device from a sunken British spy vessel. Bond’s interest, on the other hand, is strictly with the retrieval of the device. Bond is sympathetic towards Melina, but it is only when their interests coincide that Bond begins to help her. By the end of the film, Bond has his own personal reasons to be looking for vengeance, but he only indulges in those impulses because they coincide with his professional obligations. The problem with Roger Moore’s Bond, as with Pierce Brosnan’s, is that both men portray Bond as a witty, charming asshole who really has a heart of gold. This is also the fundamental difficulty with Brosnan’s Julian Noble in The Matador. Sean Connery, on the other hand, was witty and charming and an asshole, but at the end of the day he was completely ruthless in a way that neither Brosnan nor Moore could muster. Connery’s Bond was always, first and foremost, a killer who took orders and carried them out, indulging in his passions only when it did not interfere with his mission. All of which is to say, that here in the IWS we have our own twist on the James Bond myth. A man who, for pay, destroys his opponents coldly, methodically and without passion. This is the key to his success. It is a dangerous cool, exactly like Connery’s Bond. He is the consummate professional and as he indicates with his gun-like gestures in the ring, he is a gun for hire. We call him Damian. Beware his dangerous cool.

My New Year’s Resolution this year was to start a blog on the IWS site and update it every day. Broken very quickly, although I am averaging an article per day. The following is the first thing that I wrote for the blog, an article on the nature of kayfabe in three parts written over January 1st to 3rd. I just got around to editing them together today. When We Were Marks “Oh, But They Are Such Wonderful Lies!” 1. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Kayfabe The new Shane Black film Kiss Kiss Bang Bang opens with the child version of the Rob Downey Jr. character sawing a nine year old girl in half as part of a town fair. The girl starts screaming, conning everyone into believing - against everything that they know to be true - that the “magician” is actually cutting her in half. Her father comes running, yanks her out of the box… and in the process reveals the illusion. It’s a way of creating a bond with the audience – in its own way a little magic trick: “See,” say the filmmakers, “We’re showing you the truth.” And then of course, the filmmakers start lying like bandits. In other words, they use a small truth, reveal a tiny mystery to shield their big lie. The fact that it is another profession’s - someone else’s mystery - that they are giving away is even better. (They are marvelous lies it should be said. It is a great film loaded to the brim with film noir references. The title alone is a neat tip of the hat to the James Bond franchise: Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the Japanese nickname for Bond. In fact, Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was to be the original title for Thunderball; the producers going so far as to record a song of that title by Dionne Warwick that was never used - except as an instrumental.) I mention the above because it is a trick that I use and the dilemma that I face in writing these articles: How much truth do I reveal and how much lying do I do? These are not moral choices, they are artistic ones. I tell small truths to mask greater lies that reveal still greater truths. It is odd that I should feel it necessary to apologize. Theatre does this; the cinema does this; poets; novelists; painters; dancers – they all lie in hot pursuit of the truth writ with a capital “T” and no one thinks the worse of them. But wrestlers and wrestling are almost embarrassed by it, or sometimes angered. “Wrestling is fake!” people cry and wrestlers go nuts. While those of us who keep our wits respond, “Funny, no one asks Russell Crowe if Gladiator is fake.” We even have a word for it: “kayfabe” which is both a language of fakery and deceit and the word which describes that language and that deceit. It has its roots in the carnival roots of wrestling, when the wrestlers travelled with the carnivals and circuses and put on “Athletic Exhibitions” in the side tents. They would challenge the local strongmen to last five minutes in the ring to earn five hundred dollars or some such, winning with mysterious holds called “hooks”. It was in the dubious moral clay of the carny folk that wrestling laid its roots and the trunk has been twisted by that tradition ever since. (According to legend, the very word “kayfabe” is twisted pig latin for “be fake”.) For a brief time, when the US Wrestling Champion, Frank Gotch beat the European Wrestling Champion, George Hackenschmidt to create the first recognized World Champion, it seemed that professional wrestling was a legitimate sport. Although Hackenshmidt whined to anyone who would listen that Gotch cheated – first by using too much baby oil on his body in the first match and then by sneaking a “hooker” into his training camp for the rematch and injuring him. Gotch retired undefeated and was eventually replaced as World champion by Ed “Strangler” Lewis, who was coached by Billy Sandow and promoted by “Toots” Mondt. Like Gotch, Lewis could beat any comer, but as a champion in the midst of the Great Depression, Lewis discovered that winning was not so important as eating… which required a paying crowd. To draw a crowd, Lewis had to entertain. Since an unbeatable champion did not entertain, Lewis and Sandow and Mondt went out and found someone who looked like he could beat Lewis – a tall, good-looking, former football star from Oklahoma (!) named Wayne Munn. Lewis dropped the title to Munn and the fans filled halls and arenas to watch Lewis chase for the title. Depending on how you see it, that was either professional wrestling’s original sin or its return to its carny roots. Like an alcoholic falling off the wagon after a decade or so of sobriety and falling hard. Fast-forward about sixty-five years. In the early 90’s, Vince McMahon Jr., whose father and grandfather were partners with Toots Mondt, is shrouded by scandal and a steroid trial that threatened his entire company. Vince comes out and admits that wrestling is rigged and renames it “Sports Entertainment”. Kayfabe is dead and Vince McMahon pulled the trigger. Or is it dead? Consider how close the terms “Sports Entertainment” and “Athletic Exhibitions” are. Maybe Vince was just returning to his own carny roots, distracting us with a bit of truth that we already knew with his right hand and doing the magic with his left. (And taking advantage of his admission to evade Sport Commissions and Sport taxes and Sport regulations.) In this brave new supposedly post-kayfabe world, you lie to your audience by telling the truth. Take the saga of ‘Stalker for instance… 2. NCW and the Night-STALKER! NCW or Northern Championship Wrestling is one of, if not the oldest, independent wrestling federation in Montreal. It is certainly the oldest federation that matters. Other than Fred la Merveille’s MWF, whose shows are off the island of Montreal and thus difficult to go to for a confirmed pedestrian like myself, and the IWS whom I work for, NCW puts on the wrestling shows that I like the best here in Quebec. What I admire about NCW is that their story lines are put together with a lot of planning. Their wrestlers are well trained - really well trained. Their trainer Cobra was passed the torch by Marc le Grizzly, probably the best trainer this province has ever had - at least in this generation. Cobra continues Marc’s legacy with le Grizzly dropping by from time to time to add his input. They also invited Lance Storm down this past summer to give pointers to the students and to the active roster. As a general rule, NCW students are expected to spend at least a year training before they step into the ring. In other words, NCW takes its training seriously and it shows. An NCW student cleared by Cobra to wrestle can usually walk into nearly any federation in Quebec (heck let’s say North America) and have a good match. As an example, the most recent batch of students had a match at NCW’s big show in April, Challenge Mania that stole the show and to my mind is one of the best matches that I saw in 2005. Quebec wrestling tends to get stigmatized a little bit as “church basement wrestling,” but if you are going to run out of a church hall, you couldn’t do much better than the NDR centre which is a very nice building for wrestling, except during the summer when the lack of air conditioning turns the place into a furnace. NCW runs a show about every two weeks. In general, they run two or three “build” or house shows which lead to a big “name” or blow-off show. This gives them room to tell stories although it seems to train their audience to only come to the blow-off shows. Sadly, Quebec crowds seem to do that anyway. (One of the reasons that the IWS names every show. We try to pretend that every show is a blow-off show.) NCW is very old school fed, although old school in a very odd way. They seem to draw their inspiration from the WWF from (depending on your point of view) either the Bob Backlund era or the Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels era. As an example, one of their belts is the Inter-Cities title. Even if it is an odd inspiration, I admire the dedication. There are a few things that drive me nuts about NCW. I find their ring ridiculously small. It seems that no matter where someone gets pinned that they should be able to reach the ropes to break the pin. I mentioned earlier that NCW has very well constructed story lines. The disadvantage to this is that things tend to get a little bit predictable in NCW, especially since NCW (like the WWE oddly enough) has a very specific philosophy about paying one’s dues. As a result, I have the odd tendency of visiting NCW during their build shows rather than their blow-off shows. The unexpected is more likely to happen. This is how I came to be at NCW’s gala on Saturday, Dec 10th, just a week before NCW’s last big show of the year: Noel d’Enfer or literally translated “Christmas Hell”. As a side note, I should mention that I always pay to get into NCW. I could get in free if I wanted to, but I prefer to pay because I figure that paying gives me the right to criticize the product. I don’t tend to criticize the product much publicly in any case because politically, NCW and IWS are on relatively good terms, friendly but formal. We use some of the same wrestlers and that sometimes cause a little friction, and I don’t want to be the guy that causes a breakdown in the relationship. On the other hand, I just decided that I’m not that important. When I have dropped by NCW lately, they have been doing very well in their crowds and they have drawn a lot of young kids. Bigger and younger crowds than a year ago. Good for them. This show, the crowd wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. Probably about 125, maybe a little less. Leading up to Noel d’Enfer, the big story is that one of the veterans of NCW has announced that he is retiring: Night-Stalker or ‘Stalker. Full disclosure here: I am a great big old ‘Stalker mark. I firmly believe that there is room in wrestling for guys of any shape as long as they have cardio to go in the ring and the charisma to tell a story in the ring. ‘Stalker is... well, ‘Stalker is pear-shaped. ‘Stalker has a strong resemblance to the wrestler Tor Johnson from the Ed Wood films... if you went out and dug out Tor right now, revived him as a zombie and taught him to do moonsaults off the top rope and had him start out each match by strangling the ref, that would be ‘Stalker’s gimmick right there. The best part of NCW are the guys who become so committed to their characters that it almost becomes an extension of who they are. ‘Stalker wrestles as though his neck was broken and healed badly, so he wrestles with his head permanently tucked into his shoulder. When he enters, the fans cheer “Choke the Ref! Choke the Ref!” and he does. In the weird world of Quebec wrestling, looking like a monster, acting like a monster, brutalizing the ref makes ‘Stalker a near permanent face to the extent that every time he tries to act like a heel the fans just cheer louder. As an NCW veteran, ‘Stalker has typically been a tag team specialist with brief flurries in the NCW mid-card. For an extended period, to the delight of the NCW fans, he was injected into the NCW cruiser-weight division with a note from his doctor claiming that his true weight was 185 pounds, making him eligible to compete for the NCW cruiser-weight title and crushing his opponents with his Stalker-sault. Recently, ‘Stalker has been teaming with the pastel-wearing self-proclaimed sex symbol Mark Andrews: Captain Sexy, the Pokemon of Style, The Grinch Who Stole Charisma, the Power Ranger of... I forget to be honest. Basically, Marc Andrews gimmick is that he is like Larry Dallas from Three’s Company, a 70’s sex symbol who believes that he is God’s gift to women and because he is so self-confident has become that which he believes that he is. The team is called Anger Management and the idea is that Mark Andrews keeps ‘Stalker’s anger in check with the help of two stuffed animals: Garfield and Pikachu. Immediately after announcing that he was retiring with his last match being at Noel d’Enfer, NCW announced that ‘Stalker had been admitted to the hospital and that his final match at Noel d’Enfer was at risk. His partner, Mark Andrews, announced that he would wrestle for the tag team titles in the fatal four way elimination with or without ‘Stalker, in honour of his hospitalized partner. On the 10th of December, the two other teams to be involved in the four way were determined: Busty Love and Domino Jonathan, a pair of fiery rookies, and Karl Briscoe and Diablero, two NCW journeyman who are doing a story line where Diablero is doing a modified Eugene gimmick stalking Briscoe and slowly transforming himself to look like Briscoe a la Single White Female. Mark Andrews, meanwhile, was scheduled to wrestle in a handicap match to get ready to wrestle alone in a tag situation, but a snow storm kept some scheduled wrestlers away, so Andrews wrestled Diablero’s old tag team partner Jay Phenomenon instead in what turned out to be a pretty good singles match. The whole being greater than the sum of the parts, because it is one of the better matches that I have seen out of either guy, even if the match is short at 5:14. Mark Andrews wins naturally. After the match, all hell breaks out as the tag team champions “Armes de Destruction Massive” hit the ring followed in short order by the other two qualifying teams. “Armes de Destruction Massive” are managed by Tolo who is bigger than 95% of the wrestlers in Quebec. His two wrestlers are even bigger than he is. Mad Dog is one of those guys who lifts weights by doing curls with two fours and then drinking them down afterwards. Strong as a bull and almost as smart. His even bigger partner Tank is built like a brick. A fat sweaty brick, but still... a brick. So, there are eight men in and around the tiny NCW ring counting Tolo, who is directing traffic, pounding on each other with the champions coming out ahead on points, despite being outnumbered five to three. Mark Andrews is being bludgeoned by everyone when IT happens... 3. Toto is a Fucking Smark Everything is going higgeldy-piggeldy. The tag team champions are beating on everyone. The Rookies and the Journeymen are fighting with the tag team champions. And everyone is kicking the shit out of Mark Andrews... just because they can. At which point, 'Stalker's music hits and he comes lurching down the ramp in his half-stagger, half-sprint charge with his head tucked in his shoulder. He throws everyone out of the ring like a great big face on fire... And the NCW crowd pops like rabid weasels. Yep, me along with them. Now, the cynical amongst us might well ask: Was 'Stalker ever in the hospital? Here is my answer: It does not matter. Whether the scenario was completely made up or whether the NCW booker just perfectly adapted 'Stalker's hospital stay to the pre-existing story line is irrelevant. It was good story-telling and the crowd responded to it. The truth is we want to be lied to. We want to suspend disbelief. We want people to tell us stories. At least I want it. It may even be a survival instinct, a genetic trait. Maybe, way, way, way, way, way back when we were nothing more than upright apes with opposable thumbs and we gathered around the camp fire, huddling together against the dark, maybe that was when that blind man with the amazing memory began telling us stories to justify his share of the cooking pot. And by telling us stories of heroes, of men who ran faster, threw stone spears harder and hunted smarter, he inspired us to become those heroes and bring back more food for the pot to keep the tribe alive. Which may be why we react so strongly to those who insist on pulling back the curtain and seeing how it all works. Like in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy and the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man and Toto come to Oz to ask for help from the Wizard and he pulls a classic bait and switch on the them. Teasing them with a heart and courage and a brain and a one way ticket to Kansas and delivering instead a Dangerous Quest. When that gets taken care of, the Wizard, admittedly pushing his luck, tries to bait and switch them a second time until Toto, that Fucking Smark, pulls down the curtain and reveals how the Wizard does his magic. Of course, the Wizard, no dummy, does his own little magic trick after being exposed - using psychology to give the appearance of granting their request. Giving a fake diploma instead of brains; a testimonial instead of courage; an alarm clock instead of a heart. The same way that Vince saw the curtain being torn away by his steroid trial and used psychology to pretend to give people the truth while giving them anything but. I believe in kayfabe. I believe in lying. I believe in telling stories. Sometimes I will lie to tell a greater truth. Sometimes, though, I will use the truth in order to better tell a lie. Welcome to the Jungle. Here There be Dragons. Postscript: At Noel d’Enfer, ‘Stalker and Marc Andrews won the NCW tag team titles. Marc Andrews didn’t figure in the finish however being helped to the back after the defending tag team champions broke his ankle by wedging his leg in the ring barrier and then hitting it repeatedly with a chair. ‘Stalker did not win the belt alone though - he had the help of his retired partner Nightmare and his retired manager Floyd Bronfman. ‘Stalker and Andrews immediately relinquished the belts after the show to set up a tournament for the vacant belts. After the match, it turned out that while ‘Stalker’s retirement was quite real, part of it was a set-up. Floyd Bronfman had come to the show to salute his old client’s last match, but it turned out that he had been lured to the show so that the NCW could throw a surprise ceremony inducting Bronfman into their Hall of Fame. For those with any interest in my blog, you can access it by signing up for the IWS’ message board at www.syndicatewrestling.com/board and mailing me your user id to [email protected].

Official Results for IWS Know Your Enemies A Victory for Ye Olde Skool Whether you call them SLI Classique like me; whether you call them the Angry Aryans; whether you call them simply Damian and Viking, the one thing that everyone can agree on is that when they were a tag team they were the most feared tag team in Canada, and last night during Know Your Enemies for “One Night Only - One Time Only” you can call them victors as they beat the team of IWS champion EXesS and his partner in crime Franky the Mobster. It was an old fashioned brawl that also showcased nasty submission wrestling as both Damian and EXesS tried to twist their opponents into Esher-like human pretzels. Viking and Damian won the match by giving the IWS champion EXesS their old school double team “Tueur de Policiers” for the win at 19:00. During the match, EXesS dislocated Viking’s jaw sending the “Lutteur de Biere” to the hospital immediately after the show. Unable to speak, Viking assured me over MSN that he would be fine for our next show Scarred For Life and that EXesS has made a huge mistake. Before, Viking wanted EXesS’ IWS title, now Viking wants EXesS’ title and he wants to beat EXesS to within an inch of his life while he takes the belt. IWS Know Your Enemies Saturday, March 11th, 2006 Bogey’s World, Montreal, Quebec, Canada Attendance: Standing Room Only. Last month we ran out of chairs and we had about one hundred people standing, this month we bought one hundred new chairs, and we STILL had people standing, about thirty. Know Your Enemies Results - Quick and Dirty 1. Kenny the Bastard won the IWS Canadian Open to become the Number One Contender for the IWS Canadian title. (18:36) Order of Entrants: Chris Bishop, Jeff Flury, Fred la Merveille, Jimmy Stone, Takao, Kenny the Bastard, Shayne Hawke, Jagger W. Bush. Order of Elimination: -Jeff Flury (entered 0:00, eliminated 8:49 by Jimmy Stone) -Jimmy Stone (entered 4:00, eliminated 11:39 by Chris Bishop) -Shayne Hawke (entered 10:00, eliminated 15:52 by Takao and Kenny the Bastard) -Jagger W. Bush (entered 12:00, eliminated 15:52 by Takao and Kenny the Bastard) -Takao (entered 6:00, eliminated 16:27 by Kenny the Bastard) -Chris Bishop (entered 0:00, eliminated 17:29 by Fred la Merveille) -Fred la Merveille (entered 2:00. eliminated 18:36 by Kenny the Bastard) -Kenny the Bastard (entered 8:00. Winner at 18:36.) 2. Dan Paysan beat Lionel Knight in 12:17. 3. 2.0 (Jagged and Shane Matthews) defended their tag team titles in 11:05 beating the Kid Kamikaze Experience featuring Vanessa Kraven. 4. Maxime Boyer beat Player Uno in 9:40. 5. Tomassino and "Paranoid" Jake Matthews beat Pierre Carl Ouellet and the Green Phantom in 7:00. DRU ONYX! made his return to the IWS as the special guest referee. After the match, the Green Phantom turned on PCO and both Onyx and the Phantom took turns beating on PCO. 6. Twiggy pinned PCP Crazy F'N Manny in 3:20 with help from Beef Wellington and Pornstar Juan. 7. The Hardcore Ninjaz beat Beef Wellington in 12:22 to earn a title shot against 2.0. After the match, Manny beat down Beef and challenged him to a match at the Medley on June 3rd. - A FANS BRING THE WEAPONS MATCH! 8. Viking and Damian beat EXesS and Franky the Mobster in 19:00. *********************************** IWS Bloodstream for Know Your Enemies: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com/ images/ multimedia/ bloodstream_march_06.wmv My latest When We Were Marks column is called Call Me Cassandra and is a profile of the IWS' Hardcore Hero, the Green Phantom. You can find it here: http://the-w.com/ thread.php/ id=29096 My Strong Style Typings - the daily build-up to Know Your Enemies are archived here: http://the-w.com/ thread.php/ id=29064 ******************************************************* IWS Know Your Enemies Detailed Results Actually, before I get to the detailed results please allow me to digress briefly... IWS Olde Skool is walking into a McDonald’s at one in the morning with Beef Wellington, watching Kid Kamikaze cut in line while Beef and I wait patiently at the end of the line and when we are finally served having the following conversation: “I’ll have the chicken salad.” “We have no chicken for the salad.” “OK. I guess I’ll have the regular salad then.” “We have no salad either.” “I see. That leaves just the fries then?” “Yes. Would you like a Coke with that?” “Can I have a club soda?” “We have no cream soda.” “Not CREAM soda. CLUB soda. Soda Water.” “We don’t have that either. How about Sprite?” “Do you have Diet Sprite?” “No, the only diet soda that we have is Diet Coke.” “I’ll have a Diet Coke then.” “We’re out.” “Naturally. I’ll have the Sprite.” (Pause while my order is prepared.) “Aren’t I supposed to have a Double Mint gum with that?” (Looking at Beef Wellington behind me) “Sir, do you know that your head is bleeding?” Beef “Don’t change the subject. Why are you trying to fuck the man out of his gum?” It was like being trapped in a lost John Belushi Saturday Night Live skit. But I digress... back to the results. ***************************************** IWS Know Your Enemies Detailed Results Know Your Enemies began with IWS owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny coming to the ring with Franky the Mobster. Manny announced that after our last show Praise the Violence, IWS announcer Brian the Guppie had complained to the IWS co-owner Carol Cox about Kevin Steen and El Generico attacking fans at ring side. Carol suspended Steen and Generico for one show. Manny, in retaliation, suspended Brian the Guppie for one show pointing that Guppie had also put his hands on a fan... who attacked El Generico from behind. Manny introduced Guppie’s replacement: the regular MWF announcer, Crush. Franky the Mobster then took over the mike for an extended rant against Damian, claiming that Damian wasn’t really a wrestler because all he did was hit people as hard as he could and any idiot mark at ring side could do that... and some could probably hit harder than Damian. He then introduced a new segment of the show that he called “Be Damian!” Pulling broom-girl Rachel out of the crowd, Franky asked her to “Be Damian!” and hit him as hard she could. It took some doing but Manny and Franky finally convinced her to hit Franky. I’m very proud of Rachel. She’s a tiny little thing; a shy fixture of the IWS; an incredibly hard working volunteer, but she is far from being Vanessa Kraven. Still, last night she gave Franky the Mobster a stiff fore-arm shot as good as if she had been trained by Fit Finley. She rocked Franky the Mobster back on his heels and from his expression I think she surprised the fuck out of him. Of course, once he regained his composure, he flat-out murdered her with a clothesline. The first match of the night was a fun eight-man elimination match called the IWS Canadian Open. Chris Bishop and Jeff Flury started the match and the other wrestlers entered at two minute intervals. Chris Bishop was the “Iron Man” of the match, lasting 17:29, but it was Kenny the Bastard who stole the show and won the match, eliminating his own tag team partner Takao and the entire SLI-USA contingent: Shayne Hawke, Jagger W. Bush and Fred la Merveille. Kenny won the match after 18:36, pinning Fred la Merveille, after reversing Fred’s attempt at an “American” German suplex by pushing off and over-rotating the German into a Sliced Bread Number Two and landing on his feet. Dan Paysan’s former valet continued her obsessive stalking of Dan, bringing out Lionel Knight as her “D’Vyne Challenge” declaring “Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back!” Dan dispatched Lionel Knight, pinning him after 12:17. Knight had a chance for the win after giving Dan a massive vertical suplex onto some folded chairs, but Dan dramatically just got his shoulder up before the three count. A frustrated Lionel Knight built a “chair fort” to finish off Dan, but took too long and ended up being put through his own construction with the “Kiss of Death” Dan’s swinging neck breaker. Back Stage, Dan pointed out to me, “That dumb bitch D’Vyne has no idea what she’s talking about. ‘Once You Go Black, You Don’t Go Back!’ Hasn’t she seen “True Romance”? I’m Sicilian. She’s already had her Black and she’s had it front and back!” The IWS tag team champions 2.0, Jagged and Shane Matthews, defended their titles by double pinning Vanessa Kraven at 11:05 after a SICK chair shot, but not before Vanessa wiped the smirks off the faces of the Sultans of Smirk with a series of chops so loud that they could be heard in the parking lot of Bogey’s and a series of power-bombs that brought the IWS fans to their feet to pound the mat. Vanessa’s partner, Kid Kamikaze, the IWS Canadian champion, continued to prove why he is called the “Technical Wizard” of the IWS, while also demonstrating why his selfishness makes him unreliable as a tag team partner. Maxime Boyer beat Player Uno in 9:40 to remain a member of the SLI-USA. The match... how can I put this? Let’s see... They beat the ever-living FUCK out of each other. Player Uno, as long time IWS fans know, has memorized the Contra code “up up down down left right left right b a b a start” to give himself thirty extra lives, but “Mr. Old School” Maxime Boyer had him well scouted and used up all thirty of those lives in a determined and ferocious beating. After Maxime Boyer’s win, the SLI-USA came out to celebrate and Fred la Merveille announced that he was going to commemorate the victory by singing the US national anthem. Thankfully, Fred didn’t go more than two verses before he was interrupted by Pierre Carl Ouellet, who charged the ring to the cheers of the crowd, and utterly destroyed Shayne Hawke and Jagger W. Bush with a DOUBLE Death Valley Driver. The American Idol Shayne Hawke made the mistake of staggering to his feet so PCO finished the job with a pump handle Rikishi Driver. PCO called his partner, the Green Phantom, to the ring for their “Best Heavyweights of Quebec” tag match against Joey Soprano’s clients Tomassino and “Paranoid” Jake Matthews. Of course, you can’t talk about the best heavyweights in Quebec without talking about Dru Onyx. Long time estranged from the IWS, Onyx’ return startled even supposed wrestling insiders and led to a thunderous “Welcome Back” chant. Onyx volunteered to ref the tag match and declared that he was going to use “Old School” rules - with count-outs and disqualifications. As it turned out, Onyx did an old school fast count giving Tomassino the pin on the Green Phantom after 7:00. After the match, PCO and the Green Phantom confronted Dru Onyx in the ring over his fast count. It appeared that Onyx and the Green Phantom were going to come to blows, until the Green Phantom turned and slugged PCO instead. Onyx and the Green Phantom took turns beating on PCO while the Green Phantom announced that he and Onyx had joined forces to destroy everyone in Quebec beginning with PCO. Onyx’ return was such a surprise that fans were literally calling friends on their cells so that they could hear his theme song playing. When Kevin Steen called from Philadelphia with the CZW results and was told that Onyx was back he was so startled and so pleased that he said, “I think that I just creamed myself.” Just another example why it is never a good idea to miss a live IWS event. You never know what will happen or who will show up. In the ultimate David vs. Goliath match, the tiny terror Twiggy beat IWS Owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny in 3:20... with a little help from his friends Beef Wellington and Porn Star Juan. Twiggy demonstrated his cunning, starting the match by stunning Manny and the crowd with a thunderous clock shot to Manny’s head. Twiggy has been coming to the ring wearing that clock around his neck for the better part of a year - concealing a weapon by wearing it in plain sight. Manny recovered quickly however and retaliated by press lifting Twiggy and throwing him into the third row ringside. When Twiggy got back into the ring, he orchestrated a sneak victory over Manny, distracting the IWS owner with the surprise return of Porn Star Juan with a barbed wire bat. While Juan menaced Manny, Beef Welllington snuck into the ring, and hit Manny with a top rope Ass Punch, knocking Manny into a stiff shot from Juan’s barbed wire bat which folded up Manny for Twiggy’s pin. The Hardcore Ninjaz beat Beef Wellington in a handicap match after 12:22 to earn a shot at 2.0’s IWS tag team titles. During Bloodstream, Beef declared that he loved the main event brawl from Praise the Violence because it was the first time in a long time that he had got his ass kicked and he missed the feeling. In that case, Beef must have been ecstatic over his match with the Ninjaz that turned old school when the Ninjaz hauled out a mouse trap board and covered the ring in thumb tacks. It’s an odd thing about the Hardcore Ninjaz: when they hate you, they beat the shit out of you; when they like you, they beat the shit out of you, but they do it respectfully. After the Handicap match, Manny hit the ring with 2.0 as back-up to get his revenge on Beef. Over the prone and bleeding Beef, Manny announced that Beef would need to find himself a partner for June 3rd, at the Medley in downtown Montreal, during the main event of Un F’N Sanctioned for a very special match. As old school IWS fans know the main event of Un F’N Sanctioned is always FANS BRING THE WEAPONS! 2.0 were actually planning to hit the ring to give Beef the win so that they wouldn’t have to defend their titles against the Ninjaz, but Manny held them back because he wanted to see Beef beaten and hurt. Because Beef lost the match, he doesn’t get his match against El Generico, at least for the immediate future. To sum up, it was an IWS “Ye Olde Skool” night. “Mr. Old School” Maxime Boyer won; an IWS Old School legend, Dru Onyx, returned to the IWS after a two year absence; Beef Wellington and the Hardcore Ninjaz had an IWS Old School Hardcore match; we announced our ultimate Old School event Un F’N Sanctioned with the main event Fans Bring the Weapons match; and the IWS Old School team of SLI Classique, Viking and Damian, beat the IWS champion EXesS and his hired gun Franky the Mobster. Our next show is Scarred For Life, Saturday, April 22nd at Bogey’s World, 3250 Cremazie East, corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 6:30 pm, show starts at 8 pm. VIP tickets are $20, Regular tickets are $15. Order by paypal from [email protected] or call 514-232-3873. 18+. Card and times subject to change. Un F’N Sanctioned is Saturday, June 3rd at the Medley, 1170 St-Denis, near the Berri-UQAM Metro. Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30 pm, show starts at 9 pm. VIP tickets are $25, Regular tickets are $20. VIP ticket holders admitted first. No reserved seating. Order by paypal from [email protected] or call 514-232-3873. 18+. Card and times subject to change. www.syndicatewrestling.com purchase our DVDs from www.smartmarkvideo.com I have started a new seperate newsletter for those who want to be mailed the Strong Style Typings announcements. To subscribe e-mail me at [email protected]. Or you can subscribe to my blog to get those announcements even earlier by subscribing to the IWS message board (www.syndicatewrestling.com/board) and e-mailing me your user id.

Strong Style Typings Know Your Enemies Saturday, March 11th, 2006 Bogey's World 3250 Cremazie East, Corner of St-Michel Near Metro St-Michel Tickets: $15 REG/$20 VIP To purchase tickets in advance contact Llakor: Llakor@hotmail,com or (514) 232-3873 Doors open at 6:30PM/Show Starts at 8:00PM 18+ Times and Card Subject to Change With Know Your Enemies just three weeks away it is time to begin unveiling the card as we try to top Praise the Violence which many fans have already told me is their early pick for show of the year. One of the surprising results of Praise the Violence was Viking's bid to challenge EXesS for the IWS title. Many supposedly impartial observers (basically people who don't come to our shows and don't watch them on DVD) question whether Viking is ready to challenge for the IWS title. From the reaction of the IWS fans at Praise the Violence who roared their approval when Viking charged the ring to confront EXesS, the IWS faithful certainly consider that Viking deserves a title shot... And given the way that EXesS fled like a scalded cat from the ring, the IWS champion certainly considers Viking a threat to his belt. EXesS has agreed to fit me into his busy schedule over the weekend and let me know if he will be accepting Viking's challenge for the IWS title. *********************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Saturday February 18th The IWS Canadian Open The International Wrestling Syndicate is pleased to announce that on March 11th during Know Your Enemies, it will present the first ever IWS Canadian Open. Open to any wrestler in Canada, the winner of the match will become the Number One Contender to Kid Kamikaze's Canadian title. The rules of the IWS Canadian Open are as follows: -The match will begin with two wrestlers in the ring. -Every two minutes another wrestler will come out to ring side. -The match will follow tornado rules: ---Wrestlers can be tagged into the ring. ---Wrestlers can enter the ring after another wrestler leaves the ring. -Wrestlers are eliminated by pin fall or by submission. -Winner is the last wrestler left after all others have been eliminated. The first wrestler to enter his name in the IWS Canadian Open is the first man to be the IWS Canadian champion... From the UWA Hardcore promotion in Mississauga... Ontario's Own... The Aerial Assassin... Chris Bishop *************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Sunday, February 19th Beef Wellington from Cuba While taking part in a photo shoot on the beaches of Cuba for the upcoming Maclean's magazine swimsuit edition, Beef Wellington was summoned to meet Cuban leader Fidel Castro, apparently a long time fan of the IWS and Beef Wellington. During a hastily organized ceremony where Beef was given the keys to the city of Havana, capital of Cuba, Fidel Castro quizzed Beef on his future plans. Fidel was especially interested on how Beef planned to respond to El Generico's betrayal of Beef. The Cuban strong-man chastised Beef for not attacking El Generico during Praise the Violence; for giving his ex-roommate another opportunity to ambush Beef. Beef took the chance to issue a challenge to his former best friend. Unfortunately, I am basing this story on the article (in Spanish) from the Havana daily Trabajadores. Undoubtedly, they translated Beef's challenge from English to Spanish and I then used babel-fish to translate it back to English. Some garbling no doubt occurred. "I came to Cuba to obtain far from my hardships of IWS. But as beautiful as Cuban beaches it is; as charming as the time it has been; as to intoxicate as the Cuban women I have been - and the Cuban rum - still I am plagued to intention who my better previous friend stabbed to me in the posteriora part and I strike with the foot me in the face. The Generico, I know that to that asshole Kevin Steen has washed the brain to him, but you had an option, to mount with Kevin, to give return to your posteriora part in the IWS, to the escupida one in the ventilators or to do a pause to me. You did your option and its hour so that alive you with the consequences. If you are a man, the Generico, you will come knowledge that your enemies and you will in front do me in the ring and that will take what a courtesy of the sacador of the ass of the meat of cow J. Wellington is coming to you." -quotation courtesy of Trabajadores -translation courtesy of AltaVista's babel-fish service ******************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Sunday, February 19th EXesS Responds to Viking The IWS champion EXesS refuses to face Viking in a one on one match declaring that the Quebec master of "Le Slap" hasn't proven himself to be championship caliber. "Some cool music and a fancy waving of your hand and a... a slap, doesn't make a champion. I have spent years perfecting my craft, learning how to twist a man's tendons, how to hyper-extend his joints, how to paralyze his muscles and this drunken buffoon who knows how to SLAP people thinks he is in my class? No. NON! PAS DU TOUT!" They say that Wrestling is a game of human chess and if so than EXesS has chosen to block Viking, but with a piece previously unknown to chess: the Mobster. On March 11th at Know Your Enemies, EXesS will team with Franky the Mobster to face Viking and "le partenaire qu'il choisit ou n'importe qui assez stupide d'etre volontaire de tagger avec lui." When I accused EXesS of ducking Viking, the incensed IWS champion declared that he was "the most fightingest champion in the history of the IWS," and walked out on me. I have to wonder: who exactly will be dumb enough to tag with Viking? ********************************************************** Strong Style Tapings - Monday, February 20th "Les Gros Bonhommes Qui a du Shape!" Now, personally, I have always been of the opinion that the look of a wrestler isn't half as important as what a wrestler does. Obviously a cruiser is going to use different moves than a heavyweight, but for me the uppermost concern is how well does a wrestler tell a story in the ring; how well does a wrestler interact with the crowd; how well does a wrestler execute his moves. Cardio is infinitely more important in my world, than height or weight or muscle tone. Sadly, there are many, especially in Quebec who refuse to take a wrestler seriously if he is under six feet tall or under 250 pounds. Joey Soprano was in the office recently and I was bitching along the lines above to Manny. Joey, the sneak, butted into this private conversation and proposed something radical: give those short-sighted Quebec fans what they want - give them a match with the four best heavyweights in Quebec in it. Manny cocked his head and then said, "It's a crazy idea Joey, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK!" (I think Manny was quoting something, but I'm not sure what.) And, for once, I agree with Manny... Only I think Joey Soprano pulled a fast one, because the match that he pitched (and that Manny booked) pits Joey Soprano's clients: Tomassino and "Paranoid" Jake Matthews against the Green Phantom and Pierre Carl Ouellet. This is a match designed to make Joey Soprano's stable look good because Tomassino and Jake Matthews will be reading off the same page while PCO and Phantom have issues with one other related to Phantom costing PCO the IWS title at Season's Beatings 2004 when Phantom was guest referee... and PCO costing Phantom the IWS title at Praise the Violence 2006 when PCO was guest referee. These are two guys with long memories and short fuses. Can they bury the hatchet? I have full confidence that they can... as long as it involves burying a hatchet in each other skulls. DANGER! WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! Heavyweight Train Wreck Ahead! ********************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Monday, February, 20th IWS Canadian Open Open for Bastards The second entrant in the IWS Canadian Open: Representing Auckland, New Zealand... The man... or, well lizard... who once fought off six men (and Joey Soprano) single handed to defend his tag team titles... The wrestler with the best mask in independent wrestling... Kenny the Bastard

*********************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Saturday, March 4th Exit Blade... Enter Fleury First of all, I would like to apologize to Blade for the premature announcement that he would be taking part in the IWS Canadian Open. What happened was, Beef was supposed to confirm with Blade before leaving for Cuba that Blade was going to enter the tournament. I was busy playing phone tag with Beef trying to get information about the card so that i could make my Strong Style Typings announcements while Beef was gone. Running out of time, Beef asked Fred la Merveille (in English) to pass on the info to me which he did (in French). Somewhere along the line, “We’ve invited” became “He’s coming.” The game Telephone has whole new ways of garbling messages in Quebec, I tell ya. But not to disappoint the IWS hardcore soldiers, we have found a great replacement for Blade. Making his IWS debut... Combining wrestling skill, high-flying ability and a mean streak a mile wide... He is “The Wrestling Flurry”... Jeff Fleury

*********************************************************** Strong Style Typings: Thursday, March 2nd Sweet Mr. Rhee of Life The title above is the punch line for a long convoluted joke about a reporter named George Rhee of Life Magazine, the search for Doctor Livingstone in Africa and a group of gourmet cannibals. There were no lack of volunteers to become Viking's partner against the team of Franky the Mobster and EXesS. Viking is a very popular guy. I got calls from Dan Paysan, from Jimmy Stone, from Chris Bishop, from, actually from pretty much the entire UWA locker room except for the PWA pricks. Josh Prohibition actually called me to say that not only was he NOT volunteering but that no one from PWA would be "If they knew what was good for them. In fact, if Viking was on fire we wouldn't even piss on him to put out the flames." (Josh Prohibition had no idea why I found that funny.) Mike Quackenbush checked in. So did Pat Hamilton, as did Steve Royds. The weird climax of people checking in was a phone call that we received at the office talking very very mucho vite in excited and completely incomprehensible Spanish. Manny is conviced it was Juventud Guerrera. I thought it might be Super Porky. Beef, naturally, is convinced that it was El Dandy. "Who are you to doubt it was El Dandy!" Joe (not ex-Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris but Little "No Face" Joe) took one look at us and said, "I don't give a fuck who the hell that was, there is no way that we are buying an airplane ticket to bring them up from Mexico. Doesn't anyone remember what happened with Sandman?" (Referring to the famous case of another Montreal fed who in a desperate attempt to boost their ticket sales from zero to a number that could actually be counted, tried to bring in Sandman and watched helplessly as he was stopped at the border and sent back to the United States. My suggestion that if it was in fact Juventad Guerrera trying to come to Canada, that we could end up with Juventud on the six o'clock news, running naked through Pierre Eliot Trudeau airport, screaming that his face was being chewed off by giant spiders while a horde of overweight Custom Agents chased him, totally unclear of what they were going to do once they caught him... well, my point was something along the lines of there is no such thing as bad publicity, but this was met with a stony silence until Beef found an MP3 of crickets chirping.) In order to resolve the problem that we seemed to have too many volunteers, Somewhat in desperation to break this impasse, I sent out an open contract to be Viking's partner to my IWS roster mailing list and told everyone on the list that I would accept official offers to be Viking's partner in one of three ways: by e-mail, by fax or by someone filling out an open contract at the office. I gave a deadline and I waited. With about ten minutes left in the deadline, he came into the office, grabbed the stack of signed contracts, threw them into my metal wastebasket and then set the contents on fire and while they burned, calmly unplugged my fax machine and computer. He then grabbed one of my remaining open contracts and signed his name to it. I think that we all know who we are talking about right? "Understand something Llakor. I don't care who wants to tag with Viking. On March 11th, at Know Your Enemies, there will be, there can be only one man at Viking's side. I don't care if you announce us as the Angry Aryans. I don't care if you announce us as the Original SLI or SLI Classique. I don't care if you announce us as the Sheep Herders or the Bush Whackers. I don't care if you announce us as Viking and Damian or Damian and Viking. But understand one thing Llakor. This is one time only, one night only. I am not Viking's friend. There has been too much between us for us to go back to being friends. But we can put aside our differences long enough to be allies, if only for one night. No, I won't be there because of friendship. I will be there because I Know My Enemies! Last month, Franky the Mobster, stuck his big Italian nose into my business. During Praise the Violence, he interfered in my match against Kevin Steen and El Generico. He helped those two arrogant sons-of-bitches win their match. Now Franky of all people should know that you don't get involved in a man's business, you don't touch his honour and then walk away. THERE IS A PRICE TO PAY! Llakor, on March 11th, Franky is going to pay that price. And if, FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY, Viking and I have to set aside our differences and team together, ONE LAST TIME, so be it. Tell Franky the Mobster to reserve a room in Hell, because there is no more room for him on Earth." (Apparently, Damian is a fan of The Night of the Living Dead) ********************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Thursday, March 2nd, 2006 The IWS US!?! Open It appears that I did miss something during that evening when IWS owner PCP Crazy F'N Manny and "chef du SLI-USA" Fred la Merveille were both yelling at me alternately in both French and English (and I think in Manny's case some Greek.) What I missed during that migraine inducing multilingual shout fest, was Fred's announcement that as part of the SLI-USA's "Croisade" on behalf of their inspiration U.S. President George W. Bush, the SLI-USA would be entering the IWS Canadian Open with the intention of winning the match to become the Number One Contender to Kid Kamikaze's title. With the ultimate goal of winning the Canadian title and renaming it the US title. The only thing that I remain uncertain of... Is... WHICH member of the SLI-USA will be entering the IWS Canadian Open? Will it be: The newest member of the SLI-USA, a man with something to prove to Fred la Merveille (and his cousin George W. Bush)... Jagger W. Bush OR Will it be: The self-proclaimed American Idol or as we like to call him around the office "Le maudit roux sans eyebrows"... Shayne Hawke OR Will it be: "Le Chef" or Leader of the SLI-USA and supposed confidante of U.S. Persident George W. Bush... Fred La Merveille *********************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Saturday, March 4th Know Your Enemies - Card to Date Retour de la SLI Classique Viking & Damian vs. EXesS & Franky the Mobster "Les Gros Bonhommes Avec Shape" The Green Phantom & Pierre Carl Ouellet vs. Tomassino & "Paranoid" Jake Matthews with Joey Soprano Beat Uno or ELSE! Player Uno vs. Maxime Boyer... Boyer If Boyer loses he will be "Extradited" from the SLI-USA IWS Canadian Open Entrants: Chris Bishop - Kenny the Bastard - Blade - Takao - SLI-USA More Entrants to be announced later. Winner of the match becomes Number One Contender for Canadian title IWS Tag Team Title Champions 2.0 (Jagged & Shane Matthews) vs. The Kid Kamikaze Experience featuring Vanessa Kraven Handicap Beef Wellington vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz If Beef wins he gets a singles match against El Generico. If the Hardcore Ninjaz win they get a title shot against 2.0. D'Vyne Challenge Dan Paysan vs. Mystery Opponent hand-picked by D'Vyne Manny sez "This is NOT Wrestling!" Twiggy vs. PCP Crazy F'N Manny

********************************************************* Strong Style Typings -- Sunday, February 26th Viking Teams With Mononc' Serge!?! No, Mononc' Serge is NOT Viking's mystery partner. Don't be siilly. On Friday night, Viking went to a concert at the Cabaret Théâtre du Vieux St-Jean which featured Mononc' Serge, the group who did Viking's theme song "L'Age de la Biere". Spotting Viking in the crowd, they hauled him on stage to perform "L'Age de la Biere" with them. I don't know about you, but I find that tres tres cool. This is probably as good a time as any to announce that Mononc' Serge and Anonymus have given official permission to the IWS to use "L'Age de la Biere" during our live shows, on our DVDs, on Bloodstream but most importantly on our weekly TV show once it starts. This is an incredibly cool gesture on their part and I would urge all the fans of the IWS to go out and buy a copy of L'Académie du Massacre the album that features "L'Age de la Biere". Mononc' Serge's website is http://www.mononc.com/ Anonymus' website is http://www.anonymusmetal.com The chords and lyrics for "L'Age de la Biere" can be found here: http://www.mononc.com/parts/agedebiere.txt If you live in Canada, you can order their discs from here: http://secure.dep.ca/fr/resultat.asp?q=mononc It's only $13.98 Canadian which is a very good price. Or you can order it from the Anonymus from their web-site for $17 plus shipping. http://www.anonymusmetal.com/Store-eng.html If you live in Europe, you can order their discs from here: http://www.vudunoeuf.asso.fr/ You order by E-mail at this address: [email protected] Cost is 12 Euros plus shipping. If you live elsewhere - I dunno - send me an e-mail at [email protected] or contact me on-line and I'll see what I can do. The disc is also listed with Amazon/HMV for $16.99 plus shipping: http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000...4420533-9730718 Amazon will ship to the US, but their special for free shipping for orders over $39 does not apply and there may be delays related to customs for the delivery. The disc is also listed with Archambault for $17.98 plus shipping: http://www.archambault.ca/store/Product.as...01446471&type=1 Archambault will ship to the US, but their special for free shipping for orders over $35 does not apply and there may be delays related to customs for the delivery. ***MOST IMPORTANT*** If you do order a copy of the disc (or any other albums by Mononc' Serge - or any other albums by Anonymus) drop them a line to let them know you did so, that Llakor and the IWS sent you, and that you appreciate them letting us use their song. [email protected] [email protected] ******************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Sunday, February 26th Take the D-Vyne Challenge I used to think that it was with PCP Crazy F'N Manny that I would have the most bizarre and frustrating conversations. I mean sometimes I think that Manny is speaking a completely different version of English than me, because he will say things that make no damn sense and when I tell him what I am thinking he acts like he doesn't understand a word that I am saying. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!? But if talking to Manny is frustraing, talking to D-Vyne is... AAAAARRRGGHHH! I mean, any futere mastubatory fantasies that I have involving D-Vyne are also going to have to involve a ball-gag and NOT because I am into the fetish scene, but because that way she wouldn't be talking and D-Vyne talking almost automatically leads to a migraine for me now. For example, this morning D-Vyne called me... D-Vyne: Llakor, why haven't you announced what I am doing at Know Your Enemies? Llakor: Well, like I told you and Dan, I plan to announce it on my blog on Monday and release it to everyone else on Tuesday. D-Vyne: So, you're announcing me last. Llakor; Well, not quite last. I still have to announce a couple of participants in the IWS Canadian Open and I will probably be doing some analysis of the various matches and there is a Green Phantom profile that I need to finish... D-Vyne: Stop babbling. Are you deliberately trying to sabotage my career? Llakor: You have a career? D-Vyne: SHUT UP! You can't talk to me that way. Llakor: And what way would that be? D-Vyne: Don't play dumb ass with me you creepy little freak. And stop staring at my breasts. Llakor: D-Vyne you're on the phone with me. D-Vyne: So what? You listen to me, Llakor. You are going to make my announcement to-day. TO-DAY you understand. I don't care about your stupid calendar of announcements. I want my name up NOW. Llakor: Ummm... OK. I guess, I can do that. I'm still confused how I can be staring at your breasts over the phone. I guess I can make your announcement the same time as I announce Viking's mystery partner. D-Vyne: You're announcing Viking's mystery partner to-day? Llakor: Yep, dat is da plan. D-Vyne: Yeah. That doesn't work for me. Llakor: Je comprends pas. D-Vyne: Don't go all Frenchy on me you twerp. I don't want you to announce Viking's mystery partner at the same time that you make my announcement. Llakor: And why not? D-Vyne: You are such an idiot. First of all, everyone is dying to know who Viking's mystery partner is. So if you make my announcement at the same time, no one will be paying attention to me. Second of all, my announcement is way more important than Viking's stupid announcement. Llakor: That makes no sense AT ALL. D-Vyne: Do I look like I care? Llakor: Again, there's this whole we're on the phone thing going on here. D-Vyne: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! GOD! Dylan was right, you are the rudest little man on the planet. Llakor: You two obviously don't get out much. D-Vyne: Are you going to make my announcement? Don't make me call Manny. Llakor: OK. Fine. I will announce today that at Know Your Enemies, Dan Paysan will be facing a mystery opponent of your choice in the D-Vyne Challenge. Care to give any hints as to who it is? D-Vyne: Just that like me, he is the envy of the locker room and the fans. Just like everyone is jealous of me, everyone is jealous of him. Llakor: JEALOUS? of you? What in Gawd's name does anyone have to be jealous of? ...And then she hung up on me. So I am only announcing Viking's mystery partner tomorrow. Blame D-Vyne.

********************************************************* Strong Style Typings - Tuesday, February 21st Have You Ever Been Experienced? I had a chance recently to sit down and chat with Kid Kamikaze, the IWS Canadian champion and (according to him) "inspirational leader of the Kid Kamikaze Experience!" Llakor: I understand that you have asked PCP Crazy F'n Manny to not book you in a defence for your IWS Canadian title at Know Your Enemies. Can you tell me why? Kid Kamikaze: Fucking. Llakor: Excuse me? Kid Kamikaze: His name. It's not PCP Crazy F'N Manny. It's PCP Crazy FUCKING Manny. It's not Un F'N Sanctioned. It's Un FUCKING Sanctioned. See that's the problem with some people in the IWS. We've gotten soft; we've gotten careful; we've gotten politically correct. We watch our words, we watch our backs. Well not me! Not Kid Kamikaze! Can you even say "FUCKING" Llakor? Llakor: Fu- Kid Kamikaze: Didn't think so! Have you ever been Experienced Llakor? Llakor: This is not about me. This is about you trying to avoid defending your Canadian title! Kid Kamikaze: First of all, I have already defended my title twice as often as anyone who has ever held this belt. Llakor: That wouldn't be hard. You're only the second IWS Canadian champion. Kid Kamikaze: Shut up! Don't interrupt me. Second of all, what would be the point of defending my title? With the first ever IWS Canadian Open at Know Your Enemies selecting the next man to be defeated by me, all of my possible opponents are going to be in that match anyway. Llakor: I think you mean the Number One Contender. Kid Kamikaze: Number One Chump more like. Llakor: If you're not going to be defending your IWS Canadian title at Know Your Enemies... What will you be doing? Kid Kamikaze: Well, before our last show, Praise the Violence, the IWS tag team champions, 2.0... Llakor: Jagged and Shane Matthews. Kid Kamikaze: I know who the IWS tag team chapions are Llakor. Stop interrupting me! Show some respect! Anyway, before the last show, 2.0 asked permission to borrow the services of my body guard, Vanessa Kraven to put a beating on the Hardcore Ninjaz. Naturally, I said yes. I have had some dealings with the Ninjaz in the past as you know and in my experience Ninjaz are like cockroaches. They live in the dark, they survive on a diet of junk food, they thrive on bull shit and to get rid of them you pretty much have to hit them in the head with a really big silver hammer. Llakor: Why silver? Kid Kamikaze: I just happen to like the colour. Not having a silver hammer on hand, I lent 2.0 the next best thing, the next BIG thing, Vanessa Kraven. And, of course, those freaking, no those FUCKING cowards, 2.0, fled from the Ninjaz and left Vanessa Kraven to be triple teamed by the Ninjaz and Player Uno. Llakor: Team Ninja Gaiden. Kid Kamikaze: Yes. Will you stop doing that? It's really annoying. Now, I don't know what the standards are for how you are supposed to act as tag team champions in the IWS these days. But, when I was IWS tag team champion... Llakor: One half of Hi-5 with team mate Beef Wellington. Kid Kamikaze: Yes. Right. You will show some respect to your Canadian champion. Llakor: ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. Ow. Ow. OW! BLOODY HELL! Kid Kamikaze: Are you going to continue to interrupt me? Llakor: No. No. NO! YEOWTCH! Kid Kamikaze: I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you. Llakor: NO SIR! Mr. Kamikaze! SIR! Kid Kamikaze: That's better. Llakor: What the hell was that? Kid Kamikaze: Figure Four Finger Lock. Llakor: Hurts like a bastard. It's my typing finger too. Kid Kamikaze: Oh trust me having Kenny the Bastard power bombed on you hurts a lot worse. You big wimp. Now, where was I? Llakor: In your day... Kid Kamikaze: Right. In my day, tag team champions didn't walk out on their body guard... ... What? No sarcastic comment? Llakor: No. No. Carry on. Kid Kamikaze: Outraged as I was by the way that 2.0 treated my body guard Vanessa Kraven, I decided to approach IWS management and demand that they give me a match against 2.0. You look like you want to say something. Llakor: No. Well, ask something. Kid Kamikaze: Yes, the match will be for 2.0's IWS tag team titles. No, I'm not psychic. I'm just a very good guesser. Yes, I probably should be playing the lottery. Oh very well, ask your silly question. Llakor: That was pretty impressive, but just to clarify - at Know Your Enemies, you will be fighting in a handicap match against 2.0 for their IWS tag team titles? Kid Kamikaze: WHAT? No, I am not fighting 2.0 by myself. I am teaming with Vanessa Kraven. And if you think I am not impressed, you should see Vanessa. She has been spending the entire last three weeks practicing her knife edge chops on tackling dummies with pictures of Jagged or Shane Matthews on them. It is pretty scary to watch be honest. The Kid Kamikaze Experience, featuring Vanessa Kraven, is going for double gold... and doubles gold! I should point out that while 2.0 have run up a very impressive record since they reached the promised land, but the Kid Kamikaze Experience is UNDEFEATED since I added Vanessa Kraven as co-star and body guard. Write that down Llakor! U-N-D-E "Feet" -E-D! And stop whining about your finger. I just hyper-extended the joint. I didn't break it. I could have, but I didn't. Anyway, the Kid Kamikaze Experience featuring Vanessa Kraven is UNDEFEATED! Not to mention, that the only loss that 2.0 has suffered since joining the IWS... That's right it was against me! With a little bit of help. Not much. From Beef Wellington. Actually, mostly he just got in the way. So, really, I beat 2.0 by myself. It should be even easier with Vanessa Kraven backing me up. Anything that you want to add, you ink-stained wretch? Llakor: Just that for the record, I rock the dead... sometimes until they dance. Kid Kamikaze: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting. You are a very odd man. And this interview is over. ******************************************************** Strong Style Typings: Saturday, February 25th Le Roi du Sexe de l'IWS One of the little traditions of the IWS that outsiders don't necessarily know about (and I suspect that I am going to get in trouble for revealing but FUCK IT! life's too short.) Where was I? Oh, yeah. We have a small bar ritual inspired by an episode of Cheers, where the wrestlers have a contest to see who can collect the most phone numbers in the bar over a pre-determined period of time - usually an hour. Naturally, Sexxxy Eddy is the Grand Champion of this event. He almost always wins. Over the years, he has had challengers, but for one reason or another they aren't able to beat him. Manny has a tendency to get distracted and focus on one particular girl and forget that the contest is about quantity not quality. Dru Onyx (when he was in the IWS) would usually get off to a great start, but then invariably would run into an ex-girl friend and well, shit would happen. Pornstar Juan would win if the event was a three hour event, but his strategy of seducing the ugliest girl in the bar and then demonstrating his Ron Jeremy-like stamina and girth, and getting her to collect the phone numbers for him - I mean it's an interesting strategy but it just takes too long to be effective. (I'm told and I have no reason to question my sources that Sexxy Eddy has the longest cock in the IWS just beating out Tomassino - while Juan has the widest, again just beating out Tomassino.) Tomassino is a moody drunk who destroys bar furniture and only the presence of Joey Soprano and his massive roll of cash keeps Tomassino out of jail most nights. Women tend to be terrified of Tomassino, so he doesn't do well in this contest. Joey Soprano has been banned from this contest for life for paying women for their phone numbers. Elsa Bangz has been banned from this contest for life for seducing one of the judges. (The actual complaint was that she only seduced ONE of the three judges. If she had seduced all three she would probably have won automatically. It's not so much that she didn't succeed in seducing us that pissed me and DJ Stab off, it's that she didn't even TRY.) Twiggy has been banned from this contest for life for telling women that he was collecting the numbers for Sexxxy Eddy. Kid Kamikaze only does well in this contest if there are no mirrors in the bar. Maxime Boyer? Ditto. EXesS? Double Ditto with Baby Oil smeared on it. Also, EXesS is CRAZY! And while some women are really attracted to CRAZY, enough aren't that EXesS usually can't win this contest. Kevin Steen, Triple Ditto. Also, some women get turned off by the fact that Steen has a really big head... and an ego to fill it. El Generico is a great wing man. Lousy pilot. Dan Paysan has great opening lines, a smooth start, a solid middle... and can't close worth a damn. Guppie sweats too much. Peter LaSalle drinks too much. The only person who has ever done WORSE than the Amazing Darkstone in the contest was a mime who wandered into the bar and wanted to be included. Actually, I have been present when women offered Darkstone sex and he couldn't figure out how to fit it into his schedule. I mean of all the possible reactions to that offer, pulling out an agenda would have to rank as the clumsiest - wouldn't it? (Also, just for the record, it's not like his agenda was filled with OTHER sexual encounters - unless there is something perverse going on with him and bunny rabbits.) Franky the Mobster invariably ends up in a bar fight halfway through the contest and loses too much time to win or loses his list in the fight or gets tossed from the bar or all the women in the bar leave or... well, you get the idea. Bakais usually does well, but when Franky gets into his inevitable bar fight for some odd reason Bakais always gets knocked unconscious during the fight by a flying chair or pitcher of beer or shot glass or because he is in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Bakais once got knocked out when he was hit in the head by a flying Latino Mysterio that Franky had picked up to use as a weapon.) Bakais is never a participant in the fight, but he always ends up kayoed. It's very odd. Kenny the Bastard is so damn cute that he ought to win at least once in a while, but some girls are a little repulsed when Kenny licks them on the cheek as a greeting. Also, Kenny has a tendency to eat his phone lists before the finish. Ex-IWS Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris has actually collected more phone numbers than Sexxxy Eddy on a couple of occassions but was disqualified from the contest when it was discovered that he was collecting men's phone numbers. Similarly, Uno has been disqualified for collecting phone numbers of (female) video game characters from the arcade games in the bar. (Is it weird that I am very impressed by Uno's ability to score on a regular basis with Cami?) For some reason, Lionel Knight has this weird issue where women keep asking him why he gives rides to transvestites. Chris Bishop ought to be able to be competitive but his inabilty to speak (good) French handicaps him too much. Fred la Merveille and Viking both have the same problem only in reverse. Viking usually does better than Fred though, much to Fred's disgust. Jagger W. Bush is "Saving myself for my marriage." Damian gets 100% of the phone numbers of the women that he approaches, but he tends to be too exclusive. He point blank refuses to even talk to ugly women for example. Beef Wellington tends not to do well because he ends up spending too much time per woman getting her phone number. It's not so much the time that he spends getting the number, it's the additional time that he takes selling t-shirts. Shayne Hawke has this weird thing going on where most women are repulsed by his lack of eyebrows... but those who aren't repulsed by him are all over him like a Siamese with a new catnip toy. Usually, these are dark-haired women who wear too much make-up and have jewelry with ankh's on them, piercings in weird places and tattoos, lots and lots of tattoos. Also, women who read X-Men. Oddly, the Ninjaz have exactly the same issues as Hawke, but compounded by the fact that they speak NEITHER English or French. On the other hand, in addition to Goth chicks, if there are any deaf women in the bar, the Ninjaz will almost automatically score with them. The one time that the Ninjaz almost beat Eddy was because we wandered into a bar in the same hotel as a convention for the deaf-mute. The Ninjaz were going to win easily, until Eddy switched strategies and in his words "went all non-verbal and shit!" The Ninjaz still collected more numbers than Eddy, but the judges awarded the victory to Eddy because the Ninjaz list was a combined list and they didn't have twice as many phone numbers as Eddy's individual list. The Green Phantom has come close to beating Eddy when the contest is held in Deux Montagnes following a Tournament of the Icons show, but invariably after one of those shows Eddy is injured because he attempts to do the top rope trash can over the head "Stupid-Sault" and the only thing harder than beating Eddy in this contest is beating an injured Eddy in this contest. (The one year that Eddy actually landed the Stupid-Sault and didn't injure himself in the process, he proceeded to give himself a concussion in a match against Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake because Brutus decided not to take a top rope move from Eddy and Eddy knocked himself silly hitting the canvas instead of Brutus. He still won the contest though. (Also the tournament.) Phantom came in a close second but was pissed that he lost. He said it was like losing the contest to Bernie from "Weekend at Bernie's") 2.0 ought to do well in this contest. It seems to me that they could combine (like the Hardcore Ninjaz) and form an awesome pilot/wing man team. Unfortunately, they never seem able to agree on who is going to be the wing man. Also like Manny, they are all about getting to the Promised Land. Once having been there, they don't really feel the necessity to leave and then rush back to the Promised Land. During the history of the contest, well at least since late 2002, there has been one rival of Eddy who has been very consistent. When he was wearing face paint, he would almost always come in fourth. When he switched to a face mask, he started coming in third on a regular basis. And after ditching the mask at Praise the Violence, well, he raised his "Game" to a whole new level. He pretty much macked the entire bar, left with ten minutes to go in the hour long contest with five nurses from the Jewish General, and despite leaving early STILL tied Sexxxy Eddy. The secret to the tie may have been that Eddy didn't get ANY of the numbers from the nurses because he hadn't got around to them and his rival removed them from the bar when he left early. The judges, in a shocking decision, awarded the victory to Eddy's rival, the very first time that Eddy has EVER lost this contest. (For the record, Eddy wasn't at Praise the Violence because of a family commitment, but he did come to the after-show party.) Now, I know that you are all thinking, "Llakor, that is fascinating and all, but what in the BLUE HELL, does that have to do with Know Your Enemies?" Good question. It is relevant, sort of... Because the fourth entrant in the IWS Canadian Open... One half of the most successful tag team in IWS history... The man that the ladies tell me is the best linguist in the IWS... (Like Sexxxy Eddy, the ladies think that "linguist" means something completely different from what it actually means. Although for the record, this rival of Eddy does speak French, English, Japanese, Korean, Cantonese, some Mandarin and I'm told that he is working on German.) Born in Tokyo, Japan, but a citizen of Canada... If a natural disaster could be Sexy, they would call him... Takao ********************************************************* Strong Style Typings - Saturday, February 25th Know Your Enemies - Card to Date Viking Challenges/EXesS Blocks Viking & Mystery Partner vs. EXesS & Franky the Mobster The Mystery Partner will be announced tomorrow. "Les Gros Bonhommes Avec Shape" The Green Phantom & Pierre Carl Ouellet vs. Tomassino & "Paranoid" Jake Matthews with Joey Soprano Beat Uno or ELSE! Player Uno vs. Maxime Boyer... Boyer If Boyer loses he will be "Extradited" from the SLI-USA IWS Canadian Open Entrants: Chris Bishop - Kenny the Bastard - Blade - Takao More Entrants to be announced later. Winner of the match becomes Number One Contender for Canadian title IWS Tag Team Title Champions 2.0 (Jagged & Shane Matthews) vs. The Kid Kamikaze Experience featuring Vanessa Kraven Handicap Beef Wellington vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz If Beef wins he gets a singles match against El Generico. If the Hardcore Ninjaz win they get a title shot against 2.0. PCP Manny sez "This is NOT Wrestling!" Twiggy vs. PCP Crazy F'N Manny

Strong Style Typings - Wednesday, February 22nd The Twig SNAPS! It is quite something to see Twiggy consumed with anger. He literally shakes in fury. It is a little like seeing a psychotic Chihuahua. And Twiggy has a lot to be angry about. Most people know about Twiggy's heart. Someone his size doesn't even get in the ring without a dose of courage that would do credit to a fire fighter. Most people don't realize how smart Twiggy is when it comes to wrestling. He is like a sponge - absorbing knowledge from all around him. And when you spend as much time learning from Fred la Merveille and Beef Wellington as Twiggy has... well you are learning from the very best. The point is that some people look at Twiggy and wonder what he is doing in the ring. They have no idea how hard he has worked to get there and how hard he has to work to prove that he deserves to be there. That's where the anger comes from. The lack of respect. It's not just that Twiggy's partner Pornstar Juan had his jaw broken in two places by Damian. Twiggy doesn't blame Damian for the injury. It's wrestling. These things happen. What drives Twiggy insane with rage is why he and Juan were in the ring with Damian and Beef Wellington in the first place. They were pawns. They were sacrificed. IWS owner PCP Crazy F'N Manny sent them out to be slaughtered to amuse and satisfy Kevin Steen and El Generico, who weren't even at Season's Beatings when Juan got hurt. At Praise the Violence, Twiggy made it clear that he blames PCP Crazy F'N Manny for Juan's injury and that he wants to face Manny one-on-one in the middle of the IWS ring. Twiggy is smart, but this is not a smart thing to do. Manny is bigger, older, stronger than Twiggy... and he fights dirty. Even if you were his size, getting in the ring with Manny would take guts. They say that it is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. In Twiggy's case, we are talking about a Chihuahua taking on a rabid drug-crazed Grizzly. All of which is to say that Twiggy's heart has over come his brains. The rage has rendered him "Blood Simple". But I can't blame him for it. There are things that you do to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Stupid things. Scary things. Things doomed to failure. But these are the very things that a man must do... if he is really a man. On March 11th, at Know Your Enemies, Twiggy will get his wish and he will know his enemy, and he will face PCP Crazy F'N Manny in the middle of the ring. Speak softly Twiggy and carry one big Mother-Fucking STICK to the ring. You're going to need it. ************************************************************ Strong Style Typings - Wednesday, February 22nd Three BLADE Knife The Third entrant in the IWS Canadian Open is a man that I have had the pleasure watching battle Chris Bishop to a draw over the IWS Canadian title and that I have watched battle Ruckus for nearly a half hour for the CZW Title. He will be making his IWS debut on March 11th, but he has all the makings of a future IWS superstar. First of all, he is blessed with natural charisma. Second, he is extraordinarily talented. Third, he has the stamina of a marathon runner. Fourth, he seems to get stronger the more that you drop him on his head. Fifth, he is mentally disturbed and willing to take insane risks. (Seriously, I think Osiris signs him out of a padded cell before each show. It would explain so much.) Hailing from the UWA Hardcore promotion from Mississauga, Ontario... The man whose wrestling is so sharp that you could cut yourself just watching him... They call him... BLADE! *********************************************************** Strong Style Typings: Friday, February 24th The Super EVIL Genie of the IWS I didn't do an update yesterday. I was at the office ready to do it and I kept nodding off in front of the computer and then waking up with weird random messages on the computer and with the keyboard imprinted on my face. It was like I was typing in tongues. To make matters worse, both Fred la Merveille and PCP Crazy F'N Manny burst into the room at the same time from different doors and they both start yelling at me: Fred in French; Manny in English. Then just to give me an Excedrin Number Nine headache, Fred stops and starts again in ENGLISH and Manny starts speaking in FRENCH. (See, both are convinced that they are superb linguists. Sexxxy Eddy does too, but the word doesn't mean what Eddy thinks it means. The truth is Manny can barely speak English. His French could be considered an infraction of the "loi 101" the provincial law that governs the use of French and English in Quebec. And Fred's English? I know that he thinks speaking English shows respect to George W. Bush and the United States, I just think that he could show MORE respect by NOT speaking or especially singing English.) To further complicate things, I sort of slipped into smile and nod mode there as I pretended that I was paying attention, while I considered the startling fact that Manny and Fred are alike. I mean there is the language divide which in their specific case is more like a chasm. Manny would have better luck having a conversation with Fred if he spoke Greek than if he spoke English or French. But consider: both men are promoters, successful wrestling promoters, three words that normally aren't supposed to be used in the same sentence let alone strung together. Both men have an uncanny ability to gauge the mood of a crowd and do exactly what is necessary to make the crowd happy... or more often piss them off. Both men have and have had very successful stables. The most dangerous place during any wrestling show is to stand between either Fred and/or Manny and an open mike. Both men take incredible bumps. Manny's are more of the "OH MY GAWD! Someone has killed Manny!" Fred's are more along the lines of - well, what I was thinking last night is that Fred bumps like Wile E. Coyote. And then it hit me... Wile E. Coyote... SUPER GENIUS Fred la Merveille... SUPER (Evil) GENIUS PCP Crazy F'N Manny... SUPER (Evil) GENIUS ...At which point I realized that Fred and Manny had both stopped talking. (Some sort of minor miracle there.) And they were waiting me to respond. I told them I would happily post their announcements and got rid of them. All of which is to say... I think I know what Manny was trying to tell me. I think I know what Fred was trying to tell me. But I may have garbled things just a touch. PCP Crazy F'N Manny's Announcement Manny pointed out that Beef has challenged El Generico for Know Your Enemies, but according to Manny, El Generico will not be at Know Your Enemies because Manny is sending him to Philadelphia to wrestle in the CZW show... -"As a special favour to my good friend John Zandig, besides its not good to give Beef what he wants. Look at what happened last month at Praise the Violence, Beef has been agitating for the tag match against El Generico and Kevin Steen for months and I finally give it to him, because I have compassion in my heart for Beef Wellington. Compassion in my heart. And what happens? Beef and Damian LOSE the match. Because Beef is a LOSER. And at Know Your Enemies, I am going to prove it. The Hardcore Ninjaz have been bitching at me too. They want a match against 2.0 for the tag team titles. So what I am going to do is put all of my trouble-makers in one match. Beef will take on the Hardcore Ninjaz in a HANDICAP match. If Beef wins, he gets his match against El Generico. If the Ninjaz win, they get their match against 2.0. You see how compassionate I am? You see how big-hearted I am?" (You know that sequence in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas where the Grinch's heart grew three sizes? I think in the office that day I saw the exact opposite. Manny's heart is so black and so hard and so tiny that it makes rabbit pellets look like loose stool. Oh were you eating? Sorry.) Also, Manny told me to tell Twiggy that "What he does isn't wrestling, but if wants me to beat him within an inch of his life and he is willing to sign a waiver that he won't try and sue me from his hospital bed... Hell, I'll kick the shit out of him. It will be fun. Giving people what they want, that's what I am all about." ************** Fred la Merveille's Announcement Fred wanted me to know that he has been very disappointed with Maxime Boyer's performance in the ring. (Personally I think Fred is insane. Maxime's hardcore brawl against Viking at Season's Beatings, and his technical match against Kid Kamikaze at Praise the Violence were both incredible matches...) ...Except of course that Maxime Boyer... Boyer... lost those matches, which is the fly doing the Australian Crawl in Fred's Red, White and Blue soup. It comes to this: Fred has arranged for Maxime Boyer to face Player Uno at Know Your Enemies. Since Fred has previously beaten Uno with (according to Fred) "facilement - easy-ment even", there should be no difficulty for Maxime Boyer to beat Player Uno. If Maxime Boyer does NOT beat Player Uno however he will be EXTRADITED from the SLI-USA. "Puis on va demander a George W. Bush de lui banir de l'Etas-Unis aussi!" (I don't really thing that Fred talks to George W. Bush, so I don't think Maxime has to worry about being "banished" from the United States, but I suspect Maxime would be upset to be kicked out of the SLI-USA) ************************** P.S. One Genius - Two Genie.

It's a reference to the fact that Homicide supposedly broke his keyboard from typing so hard when he was writing the article to explain why he had Dan Maff stripped of the JAPW title and essentially black balled from wrestling. (An article that as far as I know never got written and/or published as a result.) For more information about the IWS including a ton of pictures/videos etc - go to www.syndicate wrestling.com **************************************************************** Strong Style Typings - Tuesday, February 21st Hardcore Puppetry from the Hardcore Ninjaz I was invited recently to watch the Hardcore Ninjaz put on a demonstration of the tradtitional Japanese art of puppetry called Ningyo Jyoruri also known as Bunraku named after Uemura Bunrakusai, a legendary Japanese puppeteer. In Bunraku, the puppeteer is dressed all in black and manipulates the puppet in plain view of the audience only because the puppeteer performs in front of a black back drop he is effectively invisible. Naturally, Ninjaz are very good at this. I will admit to not having seen a great deal of Bunraku. I was not aware that so many of the traditional Bunraku stories had to do with two ruggedly handsome albeit cowardly and treacherous Westerners who cheat and betray all around them until they are finally brought to justice by two chair-wielding Ninjaz. ************************************************************ Strong Style Typings - Tuesday, February 21st On Tap I have just finished an interview with IWS Canadian champion Kid Kamikaze that will go up in a day or two. I will be announcing the third entrant in the IWS Canadian Open tomorrow and I have news about the IWS' perpetual underdog - Twiggy. Oh also, I need to announce Viking's partner, which I will probably do Friday or Saturday. (Honestly, I am so flabbergasted by who it is that I am still reeling... not to mention trying to figure out how to explain it.)

Praise the Violence Saturday, January 28th Bogey's World Bar & Billiard 3250 Cremazie East, Corner of St-Michel & Cremazie Near Metro St-Michel Doors Open 7:30, Show Starts 9pm Tickets $15 Regular, $20 VIP For tickets contact Llakor - [email protected] 18+ Card and Times Subject to Change ********************************************************* You may have noticed on the IWS message board, the new Strong Style Typings section of the board. 1. Why "Strong Style Typings"? It's inspired by the fact that Homicide supposedly broke his keyboard writing his explanation for why he had Dan Maff blackballed. 2. What is "Strong Style Typings"? Last year, for most shows I would start a thread with more or less daily updates for each show. This year as part of my New Year's Resolutions, I have decided to do a daily blog and I will do my daily updates as part of that as well as my When We Were Marks stuff, some film stuff and other personal musings and works in progress like my novels. 3. How do I get access to "Strong Style Typings"? Send me an e-mail to [email protected] and I will add you to the list. Please include your username for the IWS messageboard. (You will have to register to the board to get a username if you haven't already done so.) ****************************************** Beef to Quit? During Season's Beatings, the normally easy-going Beef Wellington announced that he was sick and tired of Kevin Steen and El Generico ducking him with the help of PCP Crazy F'N Manny. Beef issued an ultimatum: Either Steen and El Generico faced him and Damian at Praise the Violence or Beef would toss in his tassels for good and go home permanently, quitting the IWS for good. I spoke to Beef last night and he confirmed that while he made that threat in anger, he stands by it and if he has to quit the IWS, he will. I am waiting for a call from Manny to see what he has to say on this issue.

Finally Green vs. Oil They were the Odd Couple of the IWS, the Green Phantom and the Baby Oil Phenom, EXesS. Despite their differences, they became IWS tag team champions. When they lost those titles and their team fell apart, they never resolved those differences. Now, more than two years after losing their IWS tag team titles to Extreme Revolution, EXesS and the Green Phantom will meet for only the second time ever one on one. The last time they fought (Hardcore Heat, July 10th, 2004) EXesS had to be carried out of the ring after the Green Phantom dropped him on his head with a Ganso bomb. This time, however, EXesS is champion of the IWS. EXesS has previously proved that he will use any tactic to defend his title. The Green Phantom has proved that he will hurt you to win. For the richest prize in the IWS, how far will these two men go? A Conversation With Manny I woke up PCP Crazy F'N Manny, the IWS Owner at 12:30 this morning. I thought that I had given him plenty of time to wake up. Guess not. I may have caught Manny off guard, because he almost seemed... well, honest, to be honest. He told me that he couldn't afford for Beef to quit because Beef sold half of the merchandise of the entire company and he couldn't afford to lose his cut of Beef's sales. Also if and when we ever do an all-ages show, he figures that it will be Beef who sells most of the tickets to the kiddies. As a result, Manny says that he has taken steps to make sure that the match between Kevin Steen and El Generico vs. Beef Wellington and Damian will take place at Praise the Violence. More details on Bloodstream coming soon... or soonish. ******************************************* Also, I would just like to address the following quote from the CZW message board: IWS fudged this one up bad. they had kevin steen talking shit about IWS saying how USA wrestling is so much better, with el generico's heel turn being on his side. beef wellington kept saying how he loves IWS and that it's the most important thing is his life. now they have it going that beef is threatening to quit? eh... From talking to Beef, the reason that he threatened to quit is that ever since El Generico kicked him in the face, rather than getting a shot at Kevin Steen and El Generico, Beef has been forced to fight rookies alongside Damian for Manny's twisted pleasure. (Kevin Steen, too. During the IWS Christmas party he was replaying the moment where Juan got his jaw broken over and over and over and over again. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play.) That's not what I love about the IWS, Beef told me. If I have to walk away from the IWS, because Manny and Steen and Generico have twisted it into something that I hate, than that is what I will have to do.Finally Green vs. Oil They were the Odd Couple of the IWS, the Green Phantom and the Baby Oil Phenom, EXesS. Despite their differences, they became IWS tag team champions. When they lost those titles and their team fell apart, they never resolved those differences. Now, more than two years after losing their IWS tag team titles to Extreme Revolution, EXesS and the Green Phantom will meet for only the second time ever one on one. The last time they fought (Hardcore Heat, July 10th, 2004) EXesS had to be carried out of the ring after the Green Phantom dropped him on his head with a Ganso bomb. This time, however, EXesS is champion of the IWS. EXesS has previously proved that he will use any tactic to defend his title. The Green Phantom has proved that he will hurt you to win. For the richest prize in the IWS, how far will these two men go? A Conversation With Manny I woke up PCP Crazy F'N Manny, the IWS Owner at 12:30 this morning. I thought that I had given him plenty of time to wake up. Guess not. I may have caught Manny off guard, because he almost seemed... well, honest, to be honest. He told me that he couldn't afford for Beef to quit because Beef sold half of the merchandise of the entire company and he couldn't afford to lose his cut of Beef's sales. Also if and when we ever do an all-ages show, he figures that it will be Beef who sells most of the tickets to the kiddies. As a result, Manny says that he has taken steps to make sure that the match between Kevin Steen and El Generico vs. Beef Wellington and Damian will take place at Praise the Violence. More details on Bloodstream coming soon... or soonish. ******************************************* Also, I would just like to address the following quote from the CZW message board: IWS fudged this one up bad. they had kevin steen talking shit about IWS saying how USA wrestling is so much better, with el generico's heel turn being on his side. beef wellington kept saying how he loves IWS and that it's the most important thing is his life. now they have it going that beef is threatening to quit? eh... From talking to Beef, the reason that he threatened to quit is that ever since El Generico kicked him in the face, rather than getting a shot at Kevin Steen and El Generico, Beef has been forced to fight rookies alongside Damian for Manny's twisted pleasure. (Kevin Steen, too. During the IWS Christmas party he was replaying the moment where Juan got his jaw broken over and over and over and over again. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play.) That's not what I love about the IWS, Beef told me. If I have to walk away from the IWS, because Manny and Steen and Generico have twisted it into something that I hate, than that is what I will have to do.Finally Green vs. Oil They were the Odd Couple of the IWS, the Green Phantom and the Baby Oil Phenom, EXesS. Despite their differences, they became IWS tag team champions. When they lost those titles and their team fell apart, they never resolved those differences. Now, more than two years after losing their IWS tag team titles to Extreme Revolution, EXesS and the Green Phantom will meet for only the second time ever one on one. The last time they fought (Hardcore Heat, July 10th, 2004) EXesS had to be carried out of the ring after the Green Phantom dropped him on his head with a Ganso bomb. This time, however, EXesS is champion of the IWS. EXesS has previously proved that he will use any tactic to defend his title. The Green Phantom has proved that he will hurt you to win. For the richest prize in the IWS, how far will these two men go? A Conversation With Manny I woke up PCP Crazy F'N Manny, the IWS Owner at 12:30 this morning. I thought that I had given him plenty of time to wake up. Guess not. I may have caught Manny off guard, because he almost seemed... well, honest, to be honest. He told me that he couldn't afford for Beef to quit because Beef sold half of the merchandise of the entire company and he couldn't afford to lose his cut of Beef's sales. Also if and when we ever do an all-ages show, he figures that it will be Beef who sells most of the tickets to the kiddies. As a result, Manny says that he has taken steps to make sure that the match between Kevin Steen and El Generico vs. Beef Wellington and Damian will take place at Praise the Violence. More details on Bloodstream coming soon... or soonish. ******************************************* Also, I would just like to address the following quote from the CZW message board: IWS fudged this one up bad. they had kevin steen talking shit about IWS saying how USA wrestling is so much better, with el generico's heel turn being on his side. beef wellington kept saying how he loves IWS and that it's the most important thing is his life. now they have it going that beef is threatening to quit? eh... From talking to Beef, the reason that he threatened to quit is that ever since El Generico kicked him in the face, rather than getting a shot at Kevin Steen and El Generico, Beef has been forced to fight rookies alongside Damian for Manny's twisted pleasure. (Kevin Steen, too. During the IWS Christmas party he was replaying the moment where Juan got his jaw broken over and over and over and over again. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play. Rewind and Play.) That's not what I love about the IWS, Beef told me. If I have to walk away from the IWS, because Manny and Steen and Generico have twisted it into something that I hate, than that is what I will have to do.

Readers who know me really well, know that at heart, I’m a whiny procrastinating son of a bitch. They know that for every column that I actually finish, I have another half-completed kicking around here. Like the way that I have never finished my Atlantic Grand Prix series. This, for example, is a column that I have had notes gathering dust for more than a year. I started gathering notes in late 2003 and I talked to Takao about doing a history of the Flying Hurricanes at the IWS Christmas party that year. I ended up getting pretty hammered and staggering home. According to my day-planner, Takao agreed to meet me for an interview after our January 2004, Praise the Violence show. During Praise the Violence, the Arsenal orchestrated one of the most vicious beat downs in IWS history on the Flying Hurricanes. I ended up doing the interview in the hospital. After the interview, since it was unclear when or if the ‘Canes would make it back to the IWS, I put my notes away until a better time presented itself. Since I am in the process of writing a 50, 000 word novel http://the-w.com/thread.php/id=27828 during November, (4102 words so far!) I decided that now was the perfect time to resurrect these notes. The following is the first part of that interview with Takao. When We Were Marks The Secret Origin of the Flying Hurricanes Part One: Takao It seems hard to believe that the young man in the hospital bed is cheerfully talking about his future. Just the night before, he was getting the shit kicked out of him by the Arsenal and the Hardcore Ninjaz, the so-called Fan Favourites. He was forced to watch them make mince-meat of his tag team partner, Kenny the Bastard, while he was helplessly handcuffed to the post. And when the returning Motivator of Madness freed him from the handcuffs, it was only yet another plot by the Arsenal which led to yet another beat down. Takao is being held for observation, while the doctors check to see if his ribs are just cracked or if the Fan Favourites actually broke a rib. Kenny vanished seconds after being bandaged and is now playing hide and seek with hospital security. Takao: Kenny’s probably just a bit freaked by being in a hospital. I don’t think that he likes doctors much. I know that he hates needles. He’ll turn up eventually, if only to just check up on me. It’s one of the strengths of our team that we know what the other guy is going to do. It’s what makes the Flying Hurricanes work. It’s about teamwork and partnership and in Kenny’s case a lot of chocolate covered crickets. It probably sounds ridiculous, me saying this from a hospital bed, but I really think that once we finish off the Fan Favourites, that Kenny and I have a good chance to take the IWS title belts. We’re the only team other than Phantom and EXesS to beat Hi-5 when they were tag team champions. And the new tag champs? Viking and Damian? They may have changed their name from the Angry Aryans to le SLI, and they may hit harder now than they did before, but Kenny and I know how to beat them. We’ve been fighting them practically from the first day Kenny and I arrived in Montreal. Llakor: Speaking of arriving in Montreal, Takao, let’s talk about how you and Kenny ended up in Montreal. Actually, let’s start earlier, tell me about your childhood. Takao: My childhood? Is that necessary? What does my childhood have to do with my wrestling? Llakor: “The Childhood shows the Man, As the Morning shows the Day,” Don’t make me break out the Freud. Takao: Freud? Llakor: Zho tell me about your parents… Takao: Okay, I’ll tell you about my childhood if you promise to kill that whatever that accent was. Llakor: Youth today. No appreciation for the classics. “I see nothink. I hear nothink. I know nothink.” Takao: Got that right. Llakor: So, your childhood... Takao: Well, my Mom was an interpreter for the Canadian Embassy in Tokyo. My Dad was a Canadian diplomat who worked there. They had an affair. He was already married. She wasn’t. When my Mom got pregnant, he got reassigned back to Canada. So things were pretty tough for my Mom, single parent in a culture that really frowns on that sort of thing. And I’m sure that you know that Japanese culture is a little xenophobic. So things were a little tough for me too. Bullies weren’t that big an issue, because I was always one of the taller kids in my classes and I took judo classes in school, so I could take care of myself. Llakor: I thought when you learned a martial art that you weren’t supposed to use that knowledge to settle scores. Takao: You’re not supposed to go looking for trouble. If trouble comes looking for you, you are allowed to split some heads. It’s not like you let yourself get hurt. Anyway, once I turned twelve I didn’t have to defend myself anymore. Llakor: What happened when you turned twelve? Takao: A bunch of stuff happened that year. I started writing to my Dad. My Mom got a new bigger apartment, which meant that I got transferred to a new school. I figured how to fit in better at school, by dying my hair red. Llakor: Le WHOA. You dyed your hair red and it helped you blend in? Je ne comprends pas. Takao: It’s all connected. When I first wrote to my Dad, I was a little pissed at him, him not being there, him not writing to me. Even just getting his address, I had to snoop in my Mom’s stuff. Anyway, he wrote me back and my Mom sat me down and explained that my Dad was actually a nice guy that he had been sending her money every month since I had been born and that he hadn’t written to me because she had asked him not to. She thought that it would just confuse me and piss me off having him write, but never having him around. I was pretty pissed at both of them for about a week, but my Dad and I started writing each other once a week and there was stuff that I could talk to him about, ask him that I never could my Mom, you know? So he sent me a copy of the Canadian Encyclopedia, and some Canadian classics stuff: Who Has Seen The Wind? - Barometer Rising – The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz – Anne of Green Gables. That sort of thing. Now, I already knew about Anne of Green Gables, the girls in my school were obsessed. And it was over the summer before I went to my new school that it occurred to me that dying my hair red was the way to fit in. See, I had this theory that some of the Japanese xenophobia was hatred, but most of it was just was fear of the unknown. Llakor: Fear? Takao: Xenophobia right? Phobia meaning fear. Xeno meaning others. “Fear of the other” Llakor: Yeah, thanks Takao, I know what Xenophobia means. Takao: Right. Anyway, the year that I turned twelve the big bestseller in Japan was a book about how to grope women on the subway. Cause the trains in Japan are so crowded, you can basically do it without getting caught. So that’s it’s one slightly creepy thing. But then you have someone writing about it which is even creepier. You have someone willing to publish it. And millions of people willing to buy it. Ugh. So, I got to thinking. Here there are all these millions of people so terrified of talking to one another that the only way that they can make contact with a woman is to do it anonymously. So yeah fear. And I figured that if I could give people a way to react to me, to break through that barrier of fear, a way to shock them into relating to me... I mean people were going to be a little freaked by a Japanese-Canadian bastard and isolate him a little, but a red-haired Japanese-Prince Edward Islander, a sort of connection to Anne of Green Gables… There’s that connection. Well, at the very least it would get the girls to talk to me, which is all that I really cared about. Llakor: Did it work? Takao: Oh yeah. Big time. Once I had the teacher introduce me and she told the class that my father was from Charlottetown, I had to beat the girls off with a stick Llakor: How did you convince your mother to let you dye your hair red? Takao: Are you kidding? She helped! Llakor: Really?!? Takao: Yeah. I mean she was an interpreter for the Canadian and the British and the American Embassies, right? So, she’s hanging out with diplomats all the time. She knew all about telling a little white lie to put people at ease so they could see the greater truth. Llakor: Man, your Mom sounds cool Takao. Takao: Yeah, she was. Anyway, after that I had school pretty much dialed in. Lots of friends, lots of girl friends. Eventually, I’m captain of the judo team. And I always did pretty good grades-wise… Until the exam seasons started. Now see, in Japan, what job you can get is based on what university you graduate from, what university that you get into is based on what prep school you can get into, and what prep school you can get into is based on how well you do on your exams the year before prep school. Your whole future based on an exam written when you’re just sixteen. And these are not wimpy exams like the SATs or the LSATs. These are exams on steroids. These are the Terminators of exams. Which is why you have all these Japanese kids freaking out and burning out and committing suicide from the stress. Now, I had an out, because if I flamed out, I could go to a Canadian University. Still, that year was a pressure-cooker of a year. And that last exam, that last day. Fuck. I overslept. I got up, my Mom was not there, there was just time to leave a note that I would be home late and catch the train to the exam hall. I wrote that last exam and afterwards my friends at school we all went to someone’s house and got massively stinking drunk. I mean falling down, puking all over yourself and starting to drink again drunk. So, I didn’t get home until just before noon, hung over like a dog… and that’s when I met the social worker. Llakor: Social Worker? Takao: Yeah, see, the reason that my Mom let me oversleep is that she didn’t. She went out to get some stuff to make my favourite breakfast – French Toast with really thick bread and Canadian Maple Syrup. I know that was what she was doing because she had the recipe on her, when they found her at the market. While she was at the market, this delivery truck – it’s brakes went out. So, when I got home, there was this social worker and the truck driver and his boss and the president of the delivery company to tell me that my Mom was dead and to apologize me and to beg my forgiveness. That’s a Japanese custom, taking responsibility. I freaked out a little. I sort of sleep-walked though the funeral. There were all these people trying to figure out my future for me. I met my Dad for the first time and he wanted me to come back to Canada. It turned out that I had aced my exams not that that meant anything anymore, at least to me. Half of the girls in my school were fighting over who would open their homes to me as a guest. My judo coach offered to put me up because he sees me as a chance to get to the Olympics. All these people fighting for me, for a future that I didn’t even want anymore. So, as soon as the funeral is over, I packed a few of my belongings and I split. Took right off. Llakor: Jesus, Takao, I’m sorry. Really. Where were you heading for? Takao: Nowhere, everywhere. Away. I just wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me and no one had decided what my future was. I was a little freaked out. Llakor: Yeah, you mentioned that already. Takao: Right. So, somehow I end up in the mountains near Okinawa. These huge old green mountains. And I’m hiking through this town nestled amongst this mountains, this town called Fabertown… Llakor: FABERTOWN? Fabertown, Japan? HOLY CRAP!?! Fabertown, Japan the home of the.... Takao: Hardcore Ninjaz, yeah I know. Llakor: Wow. I don’t know why I’m so excited. Takao: Because, you’re a great big fat Ninja mark. Llakor: I am NOT! They’re EVIL. They just put you in the hospital. Kenny is running around the hospital traumatized. And umm… Oh hell, who am I kidding? I am a great big fat Ninja mark. Takao: Don’t worry about it. I am a great big skinny Ninja mark. Although after last night, they are officially OFF my Christmas card list. Anyway, I was hiking through the hills outside of Fabertown and I didn’t even realize that I was walking through the famous Ninja Gardens of Fabertown, Japan. I wasn’t paying any attention, I had no idea where I was walking… And then I got tackled from the side by a girl… in a ninja outfit. To Be Continued