Llakor

HEY! I've got pictures: 1. The Hardcore Ninja returns! 2. Sexxxy Eddy just enjoys his job a little TOO much... 3. But then can you blame him? 4. Eddy rethinks that whole "no cup" strategy 5. The RED Green Phantom 6. The guy at Reno Depot said that the fiberglass ladder was "unbreakable"!!! 7. Arsenal rethinks that whole "Spend the Summer pissing off Onyx" strategy 8. Onyx MAD! Onyx CRUSH! 9. This is like one of those optical illusions. Check the table closely. Yes it is a teensy tiny table. (Onyx's idea of a "little" joke) 10. This picture also takes some study. Onyx has in fact just used Arsenal to bend a ladder in half. (The bottom half is underneath him.)

An IWS Press Release Internet Wrestling Syndicate http://www.syndicatewrestling.com Chomedey, Laval, Québec, CANADA Saturday, August 9th, 2003 *FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE* Onyx Goes to War Dru Onyx, the IWS champion, will finally confront his number one contender, the Arsenal next Saturday, August 16th, at Le Skratch in Chomedey, Laval during Born to Bleed. The Arsenal, the so-called “One Man War” has been ducking Onyx for months, trying to play mind games with the Bajan Bomber. IWS President Seska made the official announcement, “Should The Arsenal choose not to honour his contractual obligations at Born to Bleed, he will be released from the IWS.” After her remarks, Onyx called the Arsenal his “number one tormentor” and promised to put the man he calls the “Hardcore Hobbit” into the intensive care unit. In response, the Arsenal’s manager, Iron Mike Patterson ranted, “The fans know that The Arsenal has beaten you once big man, and they can’t wait for him to do it again. You see the problem with Onyx is that he is no fan favorite. The fans, they want their favourite wrestler The Arsenal to have the belt, the ladies want The Arsenal to rub that big gold strap up against them. So we are going to take the gold at Born to Bleed and then we are going to party, Mike P. style, whoo!” Iron Mike Patterson also announced that the other member of the Fan Favourites, Hardcore Ninja Number Two aka the Evil Ninja would not be competing at Born to Bleed, “Hardcore Ninja Number Two is sacrificing his own career to act as the Arsenal’s sparring partner. The Evil Ninja will be The Arsenal's number two man. Like Larry Holmes getting Ali ready to beat George Foreman. You’ve heard of the Rumble in the Jungle? Get ready for the Slaughter at Le Skratch.” The man most disappointed that the Evil Ninja will not be in a match during Born to Bleed is the Triple X "Sex XXXpress" Sexxxy Eddy. The former two-time IWS champ, upset at his one-month suspension instigated by the Fan Favourites, had publicly challenged the Evil Ninja to a match at Born to Bleed. Instead of that match, Eddy will face El Generico in a match booked by the Renaissance Man Peter LaSalle. The IWS announcer used his mysterious booking power for this match to help him choose for his vacation destination between the temptations of Tijuana's Titty Twister Palaces and Montreal Danse Contacte Clubs. The Westmount Warrior, Beef Wellington will face his former body-guard Career-Killer Kurt Lauderdale. Beef’s tag team partner, Kid Kamikaze, will be in Beef’s corner despite the grievous injury suffered by the Westmount Playboy when Hi-5 lost their IWS tag team belts at Hardcore Heat. Beef blames that loss and Kid Kamikaze’s injury on Kurt Lauderdale, “I totally blame Kurt. We had that match won until he interfered. But I blame myself as well. I never should have trusted a man who doesn’t even own a swimming pool. Kurt calls himself the “Career-Killer”? Let’s see if his career can survive the ass-punch!” The Green Phantom and EXcesS69 will defend their newly won IWS tag team title belts against the Flying Hurricanes, Takao and Kenny the Bastard. Will the unlikely title victory unite the IWS Odd Couple? Or will the Flying Hurricanes’ smooth partnership give them an advantage against two men know more for fighting each other than their opponents? Also scheduled for Born to Bleed is a monster six man tag match pitting the united forces of le Syndicat de Lutte Internet against the champions of Latin America as Fred le Merveille, Damian DuMont and Viking Vigneault will face off against Latino Kid, Latino Mysterio and Puerto Rican star Hercules Ayala Jr. The latest installment in le Syndicat de Lutte Internet’s war against those who don’t speak French may be the most explosive yet. Given how dramatic Hercules Ayala Jr.’s first appearance in an IWS ring was, wrestling fans eagerly await his first IWS match. Born to Bleed will also feature Crazy Crusher, the Renaissance Man Peter LaSalle, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris, President Seska, Elsa Bangz and, as always, the host for the IWS live events, Brian the Guppie of the Team 990’s Between the Ropes. The IWS presents Born To Bleed, scheduled for August 16th, at Le Skratch, 965 Cure Labelle, Chomedey, Laval, Québec. Tickets are twelve dollars at the door. For information about the show e-mail [email protected] or visit the Internet Wresting Syndicate at their web-site: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com. For information about IWS merchandise & DVDs e-mail [email protected] or order from http://xrv.com/iws/.

God knows this is going to be an impossible conversation since no one who has seen the movie wants to read my review for fear of spoilers, but there is a difference between writing an informative review and writing a spoiler. As an example, if I had a time machine and I could write about the Eddy Guerrero and Chris Benoit match tomorrow before it happened, if I were to say that the two men had a hard fought technical match in which both men used counters that alluded to their long famialiarity with each other's moves, and that this forced the two to break out variations of their usual arsenal of holds and strikes, that would be a review. If I said that Chris Benoit won with the crossface after dodging Eddy's Frog splash 14 minutes in that would be a spoiler.

What part of the film did I spoil? Seriously, I try to write reviews that don't give anything away whenever possible and I think in this case that I didn't reveal anything that wasn't already in the trailer.

I actually saw this film just Thursday at the Fantasia Film Fest in Montreal. My review is up in a couple of other places, but I'll repeat it here: The Fantasia Fest Obscure Film Report by Llakor Day Eight Bubba Ho-Tep USA, 2002 Director Don Coscarelli Montreal Premiere This is such a perfect Fantasia fest film, it was almost as if it was shot specifically for this festival. It was also one of the most anticipated films of the festival and one of the quickest sell-outs based purely on it’s title, director, cast and premise. The premise of the film is that in an old age home in Mud Creek, Texas, two of the residents either are Elvis and JFK or merely believe they are. As the two faded icons struggle with their lost fame and vanished youth, they also have to deal with the rising death toll at the Shady Rest, caused, they come to believe, by an Egyptian Mummy. It’s the sort of story that could only come from the fevered pen of Joe R. Landsdale combining as the title indicates the worlds of Southern trailer park “Bubba” culture with the cinematic world of Ancient Egypt. The cast is as evocative and intriguing as the title with Bruce Campbell playing a man who could be the King of Rock and Roll or merely an Elvis impersonator named Sebastien Haff who became convinced that he was Elvis after breaking his hip on stage. But that casting is nowhere near as intriguing as Ossie Davis cast as the man who would be JFK. With a build-up like that, it would seem impossible that any film could live up to the expectation, but Don Coscarelli is able to take those elements and build them into a hilarious meditation on growing old, which like all great comedy is built on a tragic foundation. As Mitch Davis has pointed out, the film makes a great poetic counterpoint to Coscarelli’s Phantasm with both films examining profoundly artificial institutions designed to shield us from the ugly truths about death, dying and growing older. Phantasm taking as it’s setting funeral homes, while Bubba Ho-Tep focuses on old-age homes. The film has two minor blemishes, which in practice come of more as beauty spots that accentuate the film than anything else. First, seeing it in with an appreciative sell-out crowd as I did, a full half of Bruce Campbell’s dialogue was lost because we were laughing so hard at the first half. Secondly, and more seriously, most of Bruce Campbell’s dialogue is actually an interior monologue. I have always felt that the use of voice-over narration shows either a lack of imagination on the part of the film-makers or a lack of faith in the actor’s ability to deliver the line as dialogue and get the proper reaction. It is especially a shame in this case, because Bruce Campbell’s narration is great, but would be funnier and more poignant as dialogue. By the end of the film, Campbell’s Elvis is talking out loud to himself anyway, so he might as well start the film that way. This is a film that I was eager to see, and the film met and exceeded my expectations. It manages to dance on the razor thin edge of tragedy and comedy, that great comedies inhabit, while delivering a profound reflection on growing old, as well as exploring what happens when our heroes pass from real life into myth. If you have a chance, track this film down, if only so that Don Coscarelli can deliver the sequel that he has promised, Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She Vampires. Because Elvis and an Egyptian Mummy makes for a great film, but Elvis fighting Vampirella would have to be seen to be believed.

Well, if you are looking for another "bloodsmark" experience to replace it that is maybe a little bit closer to Maine to get to... May I respectfully suggest that on September 20th, you mosey on up to Downtown Montreal at the Medley for IWS' Un-Fucking-Sanctioned? (For the uninitiated, Un-FN-S means one thing to IWS fans: Main Event - Fans Bring the Weapons!)

Let me start by saying that when I first started the project of putting IWS DVDs into the hands of Internet Writers that this is EXACTLY the kind of feedback or review that I was looking for. I'll just pause while everyone concludes that I have, in fact, lost my mind. I'm completely serious here. First of all, the review is very well written and it's written by three guys who have obviously watched a lot of wrestling, and more importantly a lot of indy wrestling. Also, when these guys like or don't like something, they don't just say that they like it or dislike it, they explain why. This is an absolutely vital part of the review process, because otherwise someone who hasn't seen the product has no way of knowing whether they would enjoy the product or not. By placing their tastes in context, the Paradise City Ninjas give the reader an opportunity to decide if his or her own tastes coincide with the reviewers or not. I was also interested in hearing the informed opinions of someone watching the IWS who has never seen the product live, because for those of us who have seen the IWS live, all of the tapes and DVDs are invariably filtered by that experience. We have a tendency to fill in the crowd noise and the live experience from our own memories when they might not actually be there on the tape. (In passing, one of the things that this review seem to point to is that we need to do a better job of including the crowd in the tapes or DVDs, because it doesn't seem to come across in the tapes and DVDs right now. I'm not sure how to do that exactly, but there must be a way.) Equally important, this is not a review by a group of people who are obviously kissing up to the IWS in order to please us or get more free tapes out of us. When they don't like something, they go after it with all the RUTHLESS AGRESSION of an abused, starved pit-bull. And that is incredibly valuable. First of all, it gives us some valuable suggestions on how to improve our product. But even more importantly, it validates the praise that they do heap on the IWS. No-one is going to read that review and think that they are praising Beef or Arsenal just to suck up to us. So, people who read that review will walk away thinking that it might be a good idea to track down some tapes with Beef Wellington on them... or Arsenal... or the Ninjaz... or EXcesS69. [CHEAP PLUG] And the goal, of all of this sending out free tapes to be reviewed stuff, at least from the point of view of the IWS, is to SELL MORE TAPES/DVDs!!! So, go to http://xrv.com/iws/ and order a tape or DVD today or e-mail the IWS at [email protected] and tell them that the Paradise City Ninjaz sent you! [/CHEAP PLUG] If you look at the review, they hated half of our matches that night, but they LOVED the other half. Now we could get down on ourselves about the half that they disliked. Personally, I keep in mind that not every match is going to please everyone and prefer to focus on the stuff that they liked. Ultimately, the common conclusion seemed to be that the IWS production is excellent, and that the half of our show that they liked was good bordering on excellent. I can live with that conclusion. The glass is half FULL people! The most important part of the review to my mind was that it made me want to sit down and rewatch Know Your Enemies, or go see the IWS live again. In fact, it has me seriously pumped to see the IWS this Saturday. All of the above being said... Does NOT in any way mean that I agree with all of their conclusions. So let me take the parts that I disagree with in order... 1) El Generico Well, let me start by saying that it is a damn good thing that El Generico doesn't speak enough English to read and understand this review, because otherwise his self-esteem would be crushed like a grape hit by a flying Elephant. Let's start with the "yardtard" comment. First of all, it's a very unprofessional term to use in a review and unworthy of the otherwise fine writing on display in the rest of the article. I would suggest that it would qualify as the review equivalent of a blown spot. More importantly, it's one thing to not like El Generico because he WRESTLES like a yardtard, it's quite another thing to not like El Generico because he LOOKS like a yardtard. El Generico's gimmick is that he is a skinny masked Mexican jobber, to complain because he looks the part is somewhat missing the genius of the gimmick. The other issue is that one of the reasons that I liked Know Your Enemies was because I ADORED the El Generico match-ups. It's not that on this night, El Generico wasn't wrestling well as Shooter Jay has suggested. As far as I was/am concerned, on this night, El Generico was wrestling fine and doing a great job of telling a story in his two matches. A lot of IWS fans liked the Kid Kamikaze match more, but personally I liked the Steve Royds match better because El Generico did such a good job of selling the idea that he was exhausted after wrestling earlier in the evening. Now we could get into a huge meta argument as to whether there is a difference between being exhausted and pretending to be exhausted. I believe that there is a difference and that El Generico was selling the exhaustion rather than actually being exhausted. The other issue here is that I break wrestlers into three categories: Those who flinch and therefore suck (Brutus Beefcake, say) Those who take it like a man and therby earn the benefit of the doubt (I don't know how about - Crash Holly) And Those who LEAN into the beating and thus get a free lifetime pass (Mick Foley) El Generico LEANS into the beating. Or as DEAN would put it, "El Generico is not afraid to die for our sins." The other thing about the two matches that El Generico had on that night that may not have come across on the tape is that with the possible exceptions of the Aryans, the two stiffest workers in the IWS by general consensus are Kid Kamikaze and Steve Royds. So El Generico was legitimately getting beaten to shreds out there. And like Ole Anderson, I have to tell you that it puts a smile on my face watching someone get the shit kicked out of him... especially when it's some masked greaseball wetback that should have stayed in the Tijuana hell-hole cess-pool that he crawled out of. 2) Speaking of racist assholes, let's talk about the Angry Aryans for a minute shall we. Now, I am on record as hating their gimmick, and hating this whole feud. In fact, I managed to piss a whole bunch of people off by writing a few thousand autobiographical words about my own experiences with racism in Quebec in the middle of my Violent Valentines recap. That said, there are a few positive things to say about this match that the Paradise City Ninjas glossed over. -It was short. -It was incredibly violent. -The racist scum got beaten to within an inch of their lives. And if you are going to do a racist scum angle, THAT is the way to do it. -The crowd liked it. "If it were to be done, better it be done quickly" 3) Beef I am a big fan of Beef. He is very talented, he is well rounded technically, he knows how to tell a story in the ring, and he is probably the nicest guy in Quebec wrestling. (Given what a pit of vipers Quebec is that's rather like being the tallest midget that, but still.) And this match did tell a very humourous story, all the funnier because it was built on real events since Beef really did fracture a bone in his hand at Violent Valentines punching Latino Mysterio in the ass. (Or as Beef put it: DUMBEST WRESTLING INJURY EVER.) All of that said, I am baffled at the love heaped on this match. I liked it but I had it as the fourth best match of the night. 4) Match Lengths Just because it came up during the review in a couple of places, there are a bunch of feds in Quebec who put on shows with ten matches EVERY SINGLE ONE OF WHICH goes EXACTLY TEN MINUTES. I mean literally within thirty seconds. At the NCW show before No Way Out, you could practically time the endings down to the second. In my opinion, the IWS tends to be a reaction against a lot of the stuff that happens in Quebec. So there is a tendency for IWS matches to run long or have wacky times. On the plus side that means that IWS matches tend to be less predictable, and the matches have a chance to breathe and expand to the length they need to tell the story properly. On the down side, sometimes the IWS errs too far in the other direction. Matches that ought to be five minutes turn into twenty. I mention this less because I disagree with anything that the Paradise City Ninjas said and more to put things into context. 5) The ladder match On the subject of this match, I am in complete agreement with the Paradise City Ninjas. 6) Onyx vs. Green Phantom This would probably be the classic example of the way that the DVD/tape experience and the live experience can cause differences of opinions. When people who were there read, "this match seemed to lack the intensity a be-all end-all blowoff should have" we start to wonder if the person who wrote that was dropped on his head as a child, because at ringside it seemed pretty FUCKING INTENSE. I think that the reason for the difference in opinion has to do with this, "...all he [Dru] can do is stand there, throw a couple of punches every now and then, and have no facial expression whatsoever?" Right there, we have the difference between the live event and the taped event. From the point of view of the live spectator, we had a hard enough time keeping track of what they were doing to one another as they fought ALL OVER the Skratch. We were having a hard enough time seeing the moves let alone their facial expressions. For the live viewers, the fact that the hatred and the intesity that the two men had for each other was so great that the ring could no longer contain it, was the story that we understood viscerally, but I can understand why that didn't translate to video. I have a couple of quick quibbles for this section: What I really hated was that, in the blow-off to this huge feud, where these two are supposed to be beating the holy hell out of each other in order to obtain the top prize in the world, in their eyes, they did freaking WWE hardcore comedy spots, namely a swirlee. -It was actually a WCW hardcore spot first. (Kevin Sullivan, if memory serves) -When WCW did it, it was not played for laughs. -What universe do you live in that forcing one man's head into a toilet is not an act of complete hatred? Onyx wins with a side slam off the apron through another table for the victory. C’mon, another big guy who uses a side slam for a finisher? At least use a powerbomb or something as a finisher, a side slam is just poor. -Personally, I LOATHE a lot of the NU HOTTNESS finishers that are these wacky, Rube Goldberg, Lift, Rotate, juggle an orange, Drop finishers. As an example, the Vertical Suplex, to me is a perfectly acceptable finishing move, while the Jack-Hammer is a piece of shit. -That said, the Big Boss Man's finisher was NEVER cool, and I totally agree that Onyx needs to use something else. In summary, while I may not agree with everything that was said in the review, I think that it was very well written and and that as a review it was fair to the IWS and its wrestlers. I look forward to other reviews by the Paradise City Ninjas, and not just ones written about the IWS... [sHAMELESS SHILLING BASTARD IS ME] And if you would like to read more IWS reviews by the Paradise City Ninjaz than PLEASE click over to http://xrv.com/iws/ and order an IWS VHS tape or DVD today or e-mail the IWS at [email protected] and tell Kyle that the Paradice City Ninjaz sent you! [/sHAMELESS SHILLING BASTARD IS ME] ********************************************************************** As a private aside to Jay: First of all, you shouldn't really be thanking me for the tape. I may be the guy who talks to you guys, but the person responsible for sending you the tape is Kyle, and the person responsible for you getting it so quickly is Amber. Second of all, could you PLEASE stop giving away my secret FUCKING identity? Where's the FUCKING respect for kayfabe? Oh yeah, I forgot you're "Smart Marks" What's next? Are you going to drive to Mexico and start yelling out El Hijo del Santo's real name at shows? Actually, that would kind of fun to watch. Painful, though and you probably wouldn't survive the experience.

Kris Zellner over at Death Valley Driver Dot Com does a daily run down of matches around the world. He usually includes dates in Puerto Rico if they are available.

*Enters SmartMarks to <DEL>SPAM</DEL> I mean post the IWS press release, sees that it's already up.* Well, my work here is done. Fast work Sandman. Yeah you can blame good ol JR on your e-mail. If you want me to send my press releases to another address or not send them just reply to the e-mail with the details and I'll work it out. As another thought, if anyone has any questions about how things work from the "inside" of an independent wrestling fed, I would be happy to either answer the questions myself or get answers from IWS wrestlers, and if people want me to set up an interview or chat with one of the IWS guys let me know and I can set it up. (Some of the IWS guys would be easier to get than others. Beef Wellington for instance would be one hundred times easier for me to get for an interview than say the Green Phantom.)

"If certain things pan out"? Dude, I'm the IWS Press Secretary, TALK TO ME!

Detailed Results from the TimeKeeper's table. An IWS Press Release Internet Wrestling Syndicate http://www.syndicatewrestling.com Chomedey, Laval, Québec, CANADA Sunday, June 15th, 2003 *FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE* Even Darkest Evil Can’t Vanquish Onyx Onyx fought off three men in front of a capacity crowd at Le Skratch in Chomedey, Laval, to successfully defend his IWS Heavyweight title last night. In theory, Onyx was only supposed to face Evil Ninja in the main event. In practice, the IWS heavyweight champion was forced to confront the combined forces of the so-called “Fan Favourites”: Arsenal, Evil Ninja and TV’s Iron Mike Patterson. In the opening bout, Darren Knife and Jeff Johnson resumed the match that they had begun at Freedom to Fight, only to be interrupted by the Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale. Kurt dominated and was poised to win the three way match when Hi-5 got into a ringside scuffle with Elsa Bangz and accidentally distracted the referee from his three count. Darren Knife and Jeff Johnson took advantage to combine forces for a quick roll up and pin of Kurt Lauderdale at 4:56. The scheduled match between Los Latinos and le Syndicat de Lutte Internet was threatened when Latino Kid was stopped at the border. Viking Villeneuve and Damian DuBois graciously offered to postpone the match until the next show, Hardcore Heat, July 12th. When Latino Mysterio agreed, Viking and Damian attacked, destroying him with Le Tueur des Policiers. Afterwards, they issued an open challenge that was answered by the Flying Hurricanes. In a hard-hitting match-up, Takao face planted his own partner with the Unpredictable Motion on top of Damian and Viking for the pin after 7:00 of action. But the leader of the SLI, Fred le Merveille came to the ring and protested that since Viking and Damian did not understand the English count of One, Two, Three, the pin was illegal in Quebec. A flash roll-up and quick count of “Un, Deux, Trois,” gave the victory to le Syndicat de Lutte Internet. Fred le Merveille announced that he had used his influence with the front office to book him in a match with a man who spoke neither English nor French: the Tijuana native El Generico. The Latin Luchador showed an impressive array of offensive moves brutally battering Fred both inside and outside of the ring. After a brain buster and a 450 splash, El Generico was poised for the victory, but Damian and Viking pulled the referee out of the ring. Fred quickly rebounded to win the match with his “101” swinging Pedigree at 15:28. The IWS tag team champions, Hi-5, defended their titles against the most hard core tag team in Canada: from CCW in Quebec City, Xtreme Revolution. Despite protests by Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze that they weren’t hard core wrestlers, the challengers Nightmare Manson and Crazy Crusher brought barbed wire boards to the ring. The brutal match that followed left all four men bleeding and saw Beef Wellington sacrifice his beloved Titanic poster when he stapled it to Nightmare Manson’s face. Despite being blinded by the poster, Nightmare Manson was able to combine with Crazy Crusher to hit the Revolutionizer, their devastating double team vertaebreaker. When Crazy Crusher pinned Kid Kamikaze, however, Beef Wellington blind sided the referee and tricked Crusher by loudly counting the pin himself. As Crusher mistakenly raised his hands in triumph, Beef ambushed him with his E. Coli straight jacket pile driver for the win at 13:00. Earlier in the night, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris announced that Arsenal’s spot as number one contender would be up for grabs in the Nightmare Tag Partners match that pitted the team of the Green Phantom and EXcesS69 against Arsenal and the Triple X Sex Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy. With a title shot on the line, the tag match quickly became a free for all. The desperate battle demonstrated just how badly each man wanted a shot at Onyx’s title. In the end, confusion reigned as Green Phantom pinned Eddy with a top rope Phantasm while EXcesS69 simultaneously pinned Arsenal after 18:08. As senior IWS official P-Nut argued with rookie referee Mop, Arsenal declared that the controversy left him still as the Number One Contender. In the main event, Onyx fought off a sword waving Iron Mike Patterson, a dagger wielding Evil Ninja and a chair swinging Arsenal to defend his heavyweight title. After suplexing TV’s Iron Mike Patterson and spearing Arsenal, Onyx finished off the Evil Ninja with a Sidewalk Slam into a board of light tubes at 15:14. After his victory, CFL prospect Adrien Kellman from the University of Manitoba and Nubis recording artist Kez from Boston joined Onyx in the ring to celebrate his victory. The next IWS show is Hardcore Heat, scheduled for July 12th, at Le Skratch, 965 Cure Labelle, Chomedey, Laval, Québec. Tickets are twelve dollars at the door. For information about the show e-mail [email protected] or visit the Internet Wresting Syndicate at their web-site: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com. For information about IWS merchandise & DVDs e-mail [email protected] or order from http://www.emaxwrestlingtapes.com.