Guest Kinetic Report post Posted July 6, 2002 How do you honor someone whose legacy continues to grow by leaps and bounds each day? How do you even begin to show your appreciation for a poster whose contributions to this board are, in a word, inestimable? How do you give back all the joy, laughter, and sorrow to a poster who's poured his heart and soul into this board? Maybe you can't. But if we can return even a fraction of the wonder Kinetic has given us, then I wouldn't consider this a futile gesture. So gather 'round, Smart Mark boarders, and let us honor one of the true shining stars amongst us. Kinetic: This is your day! Kinetic's long and storied history in this community begins in October of 2001 on the now defunct EZBoard forum. His impact there was little, but many began to take notice of the fresh-faced youngster making a name for himself in the Music folder. His outspoken views and revolving-door avatars became a staple of that particular portion of the board, yet he rarely ventured elsewhere. Many began to speculate as to when Kinetic, like a ripe debutante, would finally come out to play. The transition to Ikonboard saw the departure of many long-time posters. New stars began to fill their spots, as we all witnessed the ascension to power of such luminaries as BPS, Anglesault, Goodhelmet, and The Dames. Lurking beneath this tremendous hierarchical shift, Kinetic continued to fly under the Smark radar. His first great success was just around the corner, however, as "Who Deserves A Good Nut-Punching?" quickly became one of the most successful threads in Music folder history. Deriving the idea from an Infographic in The Onion, Kinetic showed his first flash of message board genius by providing a lengthy preface--in which it was implied that Churchill and Roosevelt had used Stalin's testicles as a punching bag at Yalta--and giving many potentially controversial examples of those in the music industry who deserved a brutal nut-punching. The results were astounding and many began to take notice. He then toyed around with a series of ideas, like the ridiculously unsuccessful "Random Top Ten." In this mostly-forgotten thread, he paid tribute to R. Kelly by compiling a list of musicians likely to have had sex with children. Perhaps many were turned off by the insinuation that Jimmy Buffet was a child molester--who's to say? The end result, regardless, was an embarrassing misstep on Kinetic's rise to greatness. He quickly redeemed himself, however, when he unveiled perhaps his greatest success of all time: "Make Contentious Statements." That this thread became such a resounding success is not completely attributable to Kinetic himself, he'll admit. The assistance of Goodhelmet in getting the thread off the ground has never been forgotten. But it was the genius of Kinetic, and not Goodhelmet or anybody else, that truly made that thread flourish. The format was deceptively simple: Make a statement about music, preferably one that can be argued, and then the next poster will rebut your statement and make one of their own. After a shaky start, the thread began to soar on wings bearing the distinct mark of Kinetic's brilliance. It went 10+ pages and cemented his place as a staple on this very board. Not one to rest on his laurels, however, Kinetic quickly moved on to other projects. "What's Your Favorite Sexual Fetish?" marked his first significant contribution outside of the Music folder and was the first exposure of many to his inimitable wit and wisdom. Now referred to in hushed tones as "The Bukkake Thread," this series of posts was highlighted by Kinetic's exceedingly humorous and graphic references to his love of bukkake. Undaunted by the many criticisms hurled his way--including being referred to as a "sick fuck" by El Cubano--Kinetic persevered and carried the thread until its demise of natural causes. He was now a certifiable success, having staked his claim outside of the music folder. The future for Kinetic was bright, indeed. It didn't get any dimmer. He made admirers of other posters in a variety of threads, swaying to his side the likes of Goodhelmet, EvenflowDDT, Kotzenjunge, Incadenza, and The Dames. It was this final name that led to one of his great accomplishments as, inspired by Dames' avatar, he decided to post his own picture and let the readers decide who was the more attractive poster. "Who's The Most Attractive Poster?" became an inexplicable success with excursions to hotornot.com and a lengthy diatribe by Pinnacleofallthingsmanly being a few of the many highlights. The thread's greatest moment, however, came when EvenflowDDT posted a link to a picture of himself and his prom dates for the previous two years. One was very attractive--one might say too attractive, given the Amish appearance of the poster in question. The other was troll-like in appearance, giving Kinetic cause to ask, "How'd you manage to lure that second one out from under the bridge?" Hilarity ensued, as Dames openly admitted to spitting his water out at the comment. Around this time, Kinetic was accepted as a writer on thesmartmarks.com. He holds that position to this day, although his contributions to the site are somewhat infrequent. The columns he has written, however, have been true masterstrokes. To go into detail on their content would be tedious, but it should suffice to say that they're each a rare peek into one of the great minds of our generation. His latest, and perhaps greatest, major contribution to the site was on Kotzenjunge's "State of America" thread. Taking the position as Assistant Proconsul, he assumed the role of a jet-setting playboy who though nothing of abandoning his post to vacation in Rome with Chelsea Clinton. Many consider the "Chelsea Clinton" posts to be the greatest thing ever written for this board, though those who feel that way thankfully don't bring it up that often. Though the State is now deceased, the memory of Kinetic's unparalleled material on that thread will live on within each of us for the remainder of our lives. His current project is "post whoring" his way to 1000 in the conspicuously absent DARRYL's "Quest for 1000" thread. Even his contributions to this thread are not mindless: he staged a production of "Romeo and Juliet" using nothing but smilies and made all manner of snide comments to his fellow posters. It is in that thread that he hopes to reach 1000 today--on his day. Let us all band together in our support of Kinetic as he reaches for the stars and further cements his place as one of the board elite. Go Kinetic Go. This is your day! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Some Guy Report post Posted July 6, 2002 You're still a sick fuck. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted July 6, 2002 Hell, if anyone deserves a day on this board, it's Kinetic. Strangely enough, the comments about my prom dates seems to get funnier every time you retell it, even though it's exactly the same way. I think I just laugh on cue whenever someone types the phrase "hilarity ensues". Anyhow, here's to Kinetic hoping he gets that first milestone of 1000 posts on Kinetic day, I already offered my own (though nowhere near as lengthy) tribute in the "Rate the member above you" thread. And yes, I miss "Contentious Statements", but by the end we had just run out of things to say and were really struggling with it, so I guess it's better that it died then instead of becoming a sort of gimp post with half-assed arguments and dumb statements that we'd have to say by default because all the other statements had already been said (can you imagine... "WHAM! is the most underrated pop group of the '80s!", "Phil Collins MADE Genesis, which is why he's the most successful of its spawned solo careers.", "Why isn't Bon Jovi in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?", etc.). Ahhh... memories... One was very attractive--one might say too attractive, given the Amish appearance of the poster in question. Hey, wait a minute! Don't make me churn buttah on yo' ass! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MrRant Report post Posted July 6, 2002 Kinetic seems to get off on arguing with me... that's all I know. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted July 6, 2002 that's because you make hateful comments on topics you don't truly understand. now on to Kinetic it was I, GOODHELMET, that helped keep the contentious statements thread alive when the other posters were already turned off by it. debating the likes of elvis costello and neil young was entertaining and eventually helped get other people into the act until it descended into a forum for the nu-metal vs. death vs. hardcore vs. neothrash metal that no one gives a shit about. as for kinetic, he is a sick fuck who lives in a bumfuck town full of hypocritical bible-thumping girls who use religion to reject him while spreading their legs for the captain of the football squad. after many pleas from myself, he finally realizes, the panhandle is shit and will depart from that wrestched hive of scum and villany. in the meantime, he will continue to listen to my aim is true and blonde on blonde until he gets off his lazy ass and purchases the who's "who's next" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Incandenza Report post Posted July 6, 2002 Kinetic taught me how to be a man. I love him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted July 6, 2002 Kinetic has the best anti-HHH sig. All you HHHaters must bow before him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted July 6, 2002 Kinetic likes my sig picture. He's a good guy. Thank you Kinetic. Oops, better take your advice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MrRant Report post Posted July 6, 2002 that's because you make hateful comments on topics you don't truly understand. You are just such a bitch. You can't stand someone who doesn't agree with your white man hating, anti-capitalism stance do you? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted July 6, 2002 once again, you don't understand. while i am certainly an anti-capitalist, i don't hate the white man... i am a white man! but at the same time, i don't turn my head to historical FACTS and what the country was formed on. as for hating people i disagree with, you (once again) couldn't be further from the truth. take dr. tom for instance. politically, we have nothing in common but he is able to make coherent, logical arguments about political topics without resorting to name-calling, bigotry, mysogony or any other hate-filled diatribes that serve no purpose except to insult the person you disagree with. so you disagree with your professors. well, go and do the research and studies and determine what the truthis and prove the motherfucker wrong. sadly, i don't think you have the ability or discipline to attempt such a task. you would prefer to get yourself thrown out of class. that's taking the easy route. it's far easier to get kicked out of class than it is to do the research and overcome a professor who you disagree with. now suck on that... bitch Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MrRant Report post Posted July 6, 2002 I never disagreed with the fact... go re-read it. I have never called anyone a name. I don't hate Native American's.. I live in fucking Washington state and there are plenty and I get along with them well. I just don't feel sorry all the time for anything my ancestors did. Do I feel bad about what happened with the Native Americans? Damn right I do and it was wrong. But I'm not going to feel sorry all my life and don't need it shoved down my face. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted July 6, 2002 "But I'm not going to feel sorry all my life and don't need it shoved down my face." Why would you feel sorry? I'm still unclear on this point. Certainly, you can have sympathy for the Indian plight but why you, personally, would feel sorry I don't understand. Why do YOU have a guilty conscience? I understand the racism and injustices against native americans but I don't have a guilty conscience. It seems you do.. "I have never called anyone a name. " um dude, you called me a bitch resulting in me calling you a bitch. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Report post Posted July 6, 2002 wow...kinetic must have a sweet ass cause everyones kissing it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted July 6, 2002 "as for kinetic, he is a sick fuck who lives in a bumfuck town full of hypocritical bible-thumping girls who use religion to reject him while spreading their legs for the captain of the football squad. after many pleas from myself, he finally realizes, the panhandle is shit and will depart from that wrestched hive of scum and villany. in the meantime, he will continue to listen to my aim is true and blonde on blonde until he gets off his lazy ass and purchases the who's "who's next" " How is this kissing his ass? Calling him a sick fuck? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Report post Posted July 6, 2002 cause your saying it in a nice way i donno, aside from that everyone was like "cool sig" or whatever. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted July 6, 2002 well his avatar owns this planet and possibly mars as well. in the meantime, i called him a sick fuck, a lazy ass, and insinuated he gets rejected by girls so they can fuck the captain of the football team. that's not nice. BUT to his credit, his writing is a true treasure and one of the reasons to check out the site Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted July 6, 2002 I didn't say cool sig... and I still don't get your avatar Kinetic... I went to the site, and they have them for a lot of different artists/characters... but what does it all mean? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Incandenza Report post Posted July 7, 2002 and I still don't get your avatar Kinetic It's a micro-animated representation of the video for the Bob Dylan song "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted July 7, 2002 It's a micro-animated representation of the video for the Bob Dylan song "Subterranean Homesick Blues." What he said. It's taken from the superlative film Don't Look Back, which is a cinema verite film about Dylan's tour of England in 1965. Thank you all for your kind words on Kinetic Day. Except for SuperTonyJamez or whatever. You can kindly go to hell and die, sir. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Shaved Bear Report post Posted July 7, 2002 i looked and looked for a vanilla ice one, but i couldnt find it eh everyone likes brak anyway as for Kinetic...you'll get to 1000 soon, you just gotta whore harder i guess Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted July 7, 2002 *puts on chapstick* Hailing out of Abilene, Texas... Kinetic is damned cool. His taste in music is.. well, untouchable. His posts are hilarious, and he's an all around cool guy... er.. and he likes bukkrate, too. Anywho, Kinetic is a great asset to the board. Keep up the good work, my friend. Keep it up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Report post Posted July 7, 2002 ha! I feel special! naw, its cool, its your day, just wait till my day though..I;m gonna have a clown! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted July 7, 2002 ha! I feel special! naw, its cool, its your day, just wait till my day though..I;m gonna have a clown! I rented one of those inflatible bounce houses. It's a giraffe. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Report post Posted July 7, 2002 Oh yeah? well not only am I getting a clown, but Barney and Batman too! what now! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted July 7, 2002 Oh yeah? well not only am I getting a clown, but Barney and Batman too! what now! I've got a whistle that sounds *just* like a train. *Choo-chooooo* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Report post Posted July 7, 2002 damnit okay, okay, you beat me ...bastard Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
