12 easy steps to becoming a

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

I felt like passing this on..

 

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''How to be a right wing pundit in 12 easy lessons''

Printed on Sunday, July 07, 2002 @ 01:02:42 EDT ( )

 

By Matt Osborne

YellowTimes.org Columnist (United States)

 

(YellowTimes.org) – Anxious to stand on the "right" side of all televised debate? Sure, why not? After all, it's fun - and profitable! Right wing pundits (RWPs) like Ann Coulter get on all the cable channels, plugging their books to earn fame and fortune. Why not you, too?

 

In the interests of "equal time," YellowTimes.org has assembled the following proven method for attaining success as an RWP. We've examined the quotes, careers, and missteps of the Radical Right and distilled them into these easy-to-remember rules:

 

1.) Claim the moral high ground - and remember, it's the ONLY high ground!

 

This is important: whatever you decree as The Correct Belief, it must always rest on the bedrock authority of the RWP's "Holy Trinity": God, the Flag, and the Founding Fathers. Everyone who disagrees is a Satanic flag-burning communist troll bent on America's destruction.

 

You can't let things get murky! They always have to be simple - tell America "this is the way God and the Founding Fathers intended us to run America." There is no other way, after all, because any other way is, well, just wrong.

 

Say that the president is a wise leader, even when he shoots himself in the foot. And always claim that America is good, wise, and moral, even when American bombs destroy Afghan weddings.

 

2.) Tell everyone you're in favor of families and "family values."

 

Of course, almost everyone is in favor of these things - but only the Right Wing knows what's best for them! And "family" is the RWP's patented formula for success, because it spins every part of your agenda into a coherent whole.

 

In lean times like these, we can't expect Americans to simultaneously accept agriculture subsidies for corporations, tuition vouchers for creation "science" education, AND more free-trade agreements unless these things are all "good for American families."

 

3.) Don't ever define "family values."

 

Let's face it, when a family of two laid-off adults has no health insurance for their kids, they will "value" some kind of government assistance. But RWPs promote the idea of self-sufficiency, so you can't have that. It might teach their children the wrong lesson - that government is good for something besides giving rich companies tax breaks.

 

"Family values" has nothing to do with the actual well-being of any family, but we can't say that out loud - so it's best to avoid the question.

 

4.) Government is a four-letter word! Say it with contempt.

 

Government is big, and it takes away your money. This is why people don't like it. By constantly reminding them of this, you can cut any program you dislike in order to "make government smaller."

 

But note this: the Right Wing can actually expand the government any way it wishes - for instance, starting up a whole new cabinet department without Congressional oversight - so long as "it's good for America."

 

It can even cut those "unnecessary" programs (education, the environment, and so forth) and use the money for things that are "good for America": drilling oil in Alaska, building extra bombers in someone's home district, etc.

 

5.) Always claim victim status.

 

The media is liberal, the courts are liberal, and the education system is liberal. Above all, the Congress - and every state legislature - is somehow controlled by "the liberals," even when the GOP is the majority and most federal judges were appointed by Republicans.

 

They are all "the Establishment." That's right! In order to succeed, you must scream bias and discrimination at every turn - like a white, Protestant version of Nat X yelling about "the Man always trying to bring me down."

 

And always claim that the majority of Americans are behind you, even though you always claim to be the put-upon minority.

 

6.) Attack other victims.

 

Remember: it's the Palestinians' fault when Israel invades their land and builds settlements. If they weren't so backward, uncivilized, and Muslim, then they could work for peanuts in Israeli kibbutzes and shop at Wal-Mart like civilized people.

 

And American minorities, especially Blacks, are to blame for being enslaved, ghettoized, discriminated against, and sodomized with nightsticks. If they weren't so darned Black, after all, they'd be just like us White folks.

 

7.) Call everything "spin."

 

When a pundit outside the Right Wing has a point, you must immediately denounce it as "spin." This is the magic word! It demeans their honesty and deflects attention away from the primary issue. It also makes the right wing viewer cheer and buy your book, because you're so "penetrating" and "honest."

 

If you are caught saying something dishonest, stupid, or plain wrong, you must immediately repair the damage on Fox News Channel. Go on any program there - they're all the same, just different anchors - and call the host of the show you got creamed on a "spinning liberal." This always works.

 

8.) Spin everything.

 

Turn every event to your agenda. When terrorists attack, blame it on Al Gore instead of American foreign policy. When kids shoot their classmates, blame it on media violence instead of easy access to weapons.

 

Whatever happens is obviously THEIR fault, because THEY are to blame. WE did not create these problems, because WE are always right. Right?

 

Moreover, you should always take the opportunity to label your own spin as the truth. Estate taxes are "death taxes" because that's what they are. If anyone points out that the tax is paid by the inheritor, who has done nothing to earn his fortune or to pay for the national defense that protects his new wealth, see #7.

 

9.) Throw a book together and lecture on Fox about the horrible state of liberal media spin.

 

Don't worry about facts. Those can be manufactured for you by careful statistical analysis of media. For example, it's always possible to point out that TV and newspapers identify "conservatives" more often than liberals.

 

Conservative publications like the Washington Times are also guilty of this; but we can put a spin on that: "it simply proves how epidemic this tendency is."

 

Ignore the fact that liberals rarely identify themselves with the label, or that the "conservative" label is the Nehru jacket of the Right Wing. When you write your book - or pay a staff to write it for you - such insights are not helpful. They confuse and bore the Right Wing Consumer.

 

10.) Call yourself a "conservative."

 

The Right Wing Consumer's fear of inadequacy needs the calming reassurance of moral rectitude. But never, ever define the word unless forced to, in which case you must call upon those "values" and "family" words and "founding fathers."

 

After all, if RWPs admitted to their own propensity for elitism and mistrust of democracy, we would look like very scary Radicals instead of mild-mannered "Conservatives."

 

As long as you remember to back up the Right Wing agenda with goodness, mom and apple pie, you will always overcome the facts.

 

11.) Remember your economic buzzwords!

 

Chant "Free Enterprise," "Market Economy," " Capitalism," and "Privatization." It's your proven method for turning those massive corporate welfare programs, special tax breaks, and assaults on the common environment into things that are "good for America." Who's against "free," "market," and "private"?

 

If properly manipulated, government regulations can crush any entrepreneurial upstarts who might compete with the corporate benefactors of your favorite political party - and allow those same benefactors to hide their assets, debts, and toxic spills.

 

The difference is in the spin. We "let business and government work together for America" or "let the free market determine the winner" - and our friends in Washington rake in the dough.

 

12.) States' rights are only the Rights'!

 

When a state "fights" to prevent the legal sale of vibrators, or gay sex, marriage, and adoption, it's time to talk about "states' rights." But when states allow medical marijuana use, physician-assisted suicide, or any other part of the "liberal" agenda, the states have no rights. The only 'rights' states should have is the Right's rights!

 

Well, there you have it. Now, go get on TV! Prove your credentials as a RWP, and watch the money - and fame - rolling in!

 

[Matt Osborne has served eight years in the U.S. military and holds a Bachelor Arts degree in Political Science. He speaks Arabic and Southern as well as English. Matt enjoys running in triathlons, and has a large family living in the shadow of Helen Keller's Alabama home, located in the southern United States.]

 

Matt Osborne encourages your comments: [email protected]

 

YellowTimes.org encourages its material to be reproduced, reprinted, or broadcast provided that any such reproduction must identify the original source, http://www.YellowTimes.org. Internet web links to http://www.YellowTimes.org are appreciated.

 

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hmmmm... dead on shot.

[Guest Some Guy]

Say that the president is a wise leader, even when he shoots himself in the foot. And always claim that America is good, wise, and moral, even when American bombs destroy Afghan weddings.

 

They were shooting anti-air craft weapons into the sky for Christ's sake! Hoe the fuck were teh pilots supposed to know that they were civilians? "They should have seen it coming," right?

 

The media is liberal, the courts are liberal, and the education system is liberal.

 

Well that is true.

 

6.) Attack other victims.

 

Remember: it's the Palestinians' fault when Israel invades their land and builds settlements. If they weren't so backward, uncivilized, and Muslim, then they could work for peanuts in Israeli kibbutzes and shop at Wal-Mart like civilized people.

 

And American minorities, especially Blacks, are to blame for being enslaved, ghettoized, discriminated against, and sodomized with nightsticks. If they weren't so darned Black, after all, they'd be just like us White folks.

 

Both those statements are utterly stupid. The palestians are not victims in this mess, unless you define victimization as the aggressor.

The second statement is so off the wall and insulting that it doesn't deserve comment.

 

Call everything "spin."

 

"Spin" is not a way to denounce someone's points because you disagree, it's a way to use your friends in the media to convince people that you are not at fault for cheating on your wife with a 21 year old intern, "Spin" is using your frinds in teh media to convince people that you won the election when you clearly and constitutionally did not. That's what "spin" is. it is lying to save your ass and both parties are guilty of it from time to time.

 

 

Turn every event to your agenda. When terrorists attack, blame it on Al Gore instead of American foreign policy. When kids shoot their classmates, blame it on media violence instead of easy access to weapons.

 

Well who were the people in charge of US foriegn policy from 92-2000?

I blame the parents for not paying attention to their children.

 

After all, if RWPs admitted to their own propensity for elitism and mistrust of democracy, we would look like very scary Radicals instead of mild-mannered "Conservatives."

 

The Dems are just as elitist as GOP and in many cases far wealthier. A mistrust of democracy? I think he has the wrong party. Was it the GOP who tried to steal an election? Was it conservatives who skipped election adn went straight to the Board of Health to ban smoking in restaurants because they knew they didn't have the vote? No that was leftists.

 

When a state "fights" to prevent the legal sale of vibrators, or gay sex, marriage, and adoption, it's time to talk about "states' rights." But when states allow medical marijuana use, physician-assisted suicide, or any other part of the "liberal" agenda, the states have no rights. The only 'rights' states should have is the Right's rights!

 

Bullshit! MI got rid of assisted suicicide due to popular support, Med weed also does not have popular support, but we should have them anyway right? Because it's for our own good.

 

 

I wonder if you realize how much of this sounds more like a critique of Leftists? The "it's for your own good" attitude is far more prevelant amongst them. Smoking bans, increased taxes on tobacco and alchohol (if you're a drug addict your a victim of an explotative and racist sistem who needs help, if you're a smoker then fuck you, you're trying to kill our childen with second hand smoke), attempted regulation on SUVs (which I agree with but for different reasons), Socialist health care (it'll help 40 million, yeah but it will hurt the other 245 million in the country, but SHHHHHHH! don't bring up common sense, we're trying to "help" people.)

[Guest Cancer Marney]

Y'know, Les, I'm usually considered hyperliberal, but even I'm getting sick of you.

[Guest DrTom]

It's good to see I'm not the only one getting tired of these threads.

 

Lesnar: this forum is called "Current Events." It is NOT called "Party Line Political Bullshit." I hope I don't need to explain the difference to you, because I'm not going to.

 

You're flame-baiting, and this is the only warning I'll be giving you to stop.

 

Thread closed.