Kliquefathers parts 1 to 7 (opinions please)

[Guest Rob Edwards]

OK this is a kind of smarky show I've done elsewhere with success but of course theres no audience more discerning than smarks so I'm after opinions/criticisms on this (if it sucks tell me why!) Thanks for reading

 

Part I

 

 

 

 

Italian music plays and the scene zooms in on Kevino Nasho sitting on a chair in his parlour "Life isn't what it used to be around here" he thought to himself. Once his power was secure he was the top crimelord in both Stamford and Atalanta but many things had led him to the precarious position he found himself in now.

 

For starters there is a major police investigation going on into the many crime circles he is involved in and it wasn't like the ones he'd brushed off before you see since the corrupt chief of police Nick Patrick had been uncerimoniously booted from his post he had not been able to pay the police off. Quite the opposite infact as the new police chief Dave "Earl" Hebner was intent on bringing Kevino and his entire operation down and seemed possessed by his mission to force organised crime out of his town, There are even rumors circulating that Hebner had planted someone on the inside of the crime ring to gather evidence but such an informat would be impossible to locate as Nasho's organisations activities ranged from smuggling Cocaine to counterfeiting various hair products. It didn't bother him though as such a man would find it nigh on impossible to get anywhere near him as he carefully chose those who were allowed access to him from pure blood, loyal men.

 

On top of this there is also the threat of a rival family threatening some of Nasho's intrests, The Bollea's were no threat in the haircare crimewave as they had stopped when the leaders cousin Horacio bizzarly lost all his hair after using some of the counterfeited conditioner produced by the family, he had then taken to wearing Australian style hats to cover the problem whilst making him look like Crocodile Dundee in the process this had led him to be christened with the fearsome monicker "Horacio Hogan". His cousin and leader of the Bolleas was even more frightening, he took no mercy on anyone and is a master at manipulating situations to his own advantage, His muscular physique and bizarre habit of turning Green when angry had given him the Nickname "Hulk".

 

Hulk Bollea's family were indeed a threat it was still infact a complete mystery to Kevino how the Bollea's had managed to get away with selling various narcotics packaged in vitamin bottles in churches all these years. This feat had been achieved in Florida where the poilcing was far less strenous than Stamford but still it was one hell of an operation the Bolleas had managed to pull off and the nous they had to pull off a scheme like this worried Kevino immensly.

 

"It wasn't always like this" Kevino muttered to himself. Indeed he was right as it was only a few years ago That he had almost full control of Stamford. He had just vanquished the previous family of power the Mcmanino's after taking advantage of the stupid mistake of their Godfather Vito McMahon who put his daughter in charge of many of the families intrests, Stephanie was unable to control these areas however and the core areas of their control had dropped which had allowed Kevino to take control of these areas, futher to this she also left an opening for Kevino to get Vito's wife Lindio charged for skipping taxes. Lindio was unconvincing in court where her blatent lies were easily spotted by body language experts on the case.

 

Kevino was far too canny to make a mistake like that and along with his wife Sunny (A narcotics expert) and his younger brothers Scotti "Razor" Hallio and Michael (Who was known as the Heartbreak kid) they rolled into power where they immedietly got Chief of Police Patrick on their side with a sizeable gift, The police on his side Kevino was able to get rid of the last pockets of Mcmanio resistance and take control of the city "But thats another story for another time" He thought "Things are not that easy now"

 

The fashion with which Kevino had rolled into power had earned him the nickname "The Kliqfather" but that status and his very existance had come under threat. It was at times like this Kevino wished he was still a truckdriver who beat people up in bars

 

"Hey pop" The Voice rang out "Look at me i'm dressed as a soldier. I'm the best soldier ever" Kevino looked down towards his youngest son Aldo "Yes son you are. Infact you're Just incedible as a soldier" Naho said "I know I am" Aldo said "I wish people would call me that more"

 

Kevino wondered just what had happened to cause his youngest son to become so cocky. Ever since he had turned Eight he had been the personification of arrogance "Maybe he gets it off Michael" he thought, His older brother was nothing like Aldo infact he was very much a hate filled young man who believed the whole world to be against him

 

"Hey Aldo, Wheres your brother?" Kevino enquired "Oh Syxxo's sulking in his room" Aldo replied "He's upset because he didn't get in the school baseball team" "Didn't get in the team eh?" Kevin said "Let me make a few calls, pull a few strings he'll be in the team soon enough all right"

 

Ten minutes later after a couple of calls it was all arranged and Syxxo had indeed been picked for the team "He's gonna be so happy" Kevino thought "And he tells me everyone's just jealous of his talent anyway"

 

It was now time for more serious matters as Kevino went off to organise the next major job as he got into his chaueffer driven car driven by a man known only as "Cole" and headed off to the ultra secret meeting place

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part II

 

 

It was a beautiful day as the limo drove through the suburbs. In the back was local crime figurehead Kevino Nash, known locally as The Kliqfather who was on his way to a meeting with some of his hoods. "Nice day isn't it Cole" Nasho said "It certainly is sir, the birds are singing in the trees and.." "Shut up" Nasho Interupted "If I wanted your life story I'd have asked for it" There was a silence as the car continued towards the centre of Hartford "Todays an Important meeting" Thought Kevino "I don't need any of Cole's crap today"

 

How Michael Cole had ended up driving a limo for the family was unknown, He was a decent enough driver alright, not only fast but with a good knowledge of the local area. But he was as annoying as hell and seemed to treat the job as some kind of joke. Kevino had noticed this and tried to get the family butler to help Cole improve in his behaviour. The Butler, known as Taz because of the tenacious way in which he passed the Cucumber sandwiches around had tried in vein to help Cole out but Cole wouldn't change, Infact Nasho had actually noticed a slight deteriation in Taz's behaviour recentley.

 

Suddenly Cole piped up "Hell it's the cops" and put his foot down "What are you doing?" Screamed Kevino "We havn't done anything wrong and they've got no reason to chase us". "But we stole one" replied Cole "What the hell are you talking about?, we didn't steal anything" Kevino was starting to sound extremley stressed now, which was understandable as he had two police cars on his trail. "Desperation Manouver" Shouted Cole as he slid the limo onto the train tracks "Whats wrong with you Cole?" Nasho enquired "Are you trying to get us both killed?" Cole looked confused "No sir" he replied "I'm just trying to escape the police" Nasho sighed "What's going to happen if a train comes down the tracks Cole?,did you think of that" Cole panicked on hearing this "Sickening thud" He yelled as he drove the car off the tracks and through a bush losing the police in the process

 

This kind of event should have surprised Nasho but really nothing surpriesed him anymore, ever since lifelong family friend Ed Ferrara had switched his alleigence to the Bollea's Kevino had a deep mistrust of people and tended to expect the unexpected "Ah well" He thought to himself "today can only get better can't it?, I'm finally going to have that neighbourhood menace dealt with, and get one over on the Bollea's in the bargain"

 

Finally the limo reached it's destination and pulled into the grotty looking garage, which it soon transpired was infact a lift as it was soon transported downwards

 

The limo soon arrived at the bottom of a long hallway with a noisy room at the bottom. The noise ceased as soon as Nasho's footsteps were heard however. He strolled into the room which was full of local Mafia hoods and headed straight for his impressive chair, which he soon noticed had a cigarette burn on it. "Who did this" he screamed. This enquiry was met only by masses of whistling however. "Oh forget it" Nasho said "I'll have that fixed later and I never really use it anyway, boys if you'd like to follow me to the conferance room"

 

Nasho took his seat in the room and took a quick look around at the bunch of thugs he trusted with his life.

 

There was Tony Marmaluke who was a small man and not all that bright, he was however an absolutley ruthless killer and had distinguished himself to the family during the turf war with the Macmanino's, these days however he wasn't much use as an assasin as he didn't cover his tracks as well as needed with Chief of Police Hebner checking everything that happens around here, so Tony was mainly dispatched to beat people up as a warning these days

 

Next to Tony was a monster of a man "Big" Sal Graziano who was quite possibly the dumbest person anyone could hope to meet, Here was a man who had once destroyed the vending machines in a Vegas casino after Kevino had asked him to "Steal Chips". His blind devotion and willingless to do anything made him a valuable asset to the family however

 

Next in line was the brains of the group. The clever, wily thief. "Little" Guido Martino, Guido wasn't much of an asset when it came to beating people up but as a thief he was pretty much without equal, He could steal anything these days and had come a long way from the kid who used to steal food from Tenta's Grocery Store

 

The newest member of the group Chrisio Jerichioioio was seated beside Guido. Although Kevino didn't know Chrisio that well he had been impressed by his ruthlessness when it came to getting a job done

 

Next was another Big Man "Big" Vito Longrasso. Although Kevino was unsure how his gang went about their business having two men with the same nickname but they seemed to have been ok so far. Vito was a lifelong member his father had been a family freind of Kevino's father and Vito had a secure position in the firm so it was lucky he was good at what he did, unlike his brother

 

His Brother Johnny "The Bull" Longrasso was seated next to him. Johnny had not earned the name by any tough feats though. He had earned it because of the amazing amount of bullshit that springs from his mouth. Johnny once claimed to be the first man to walk on the moon, when Nasho's cousin HHH (Hunterio "Hearse" Helmslio) pointed out that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, Johnny claimed he was Neil Armstrong reincarnated. When Syxxo pointed out Neil Armstong was still alive Johnny claimed it was a government conspiracy. So it was either Johnny "The Shit or Johnny "The Bull"

 

Next were another set of brothers Edgio and Christiano who worked brilliantly as a team but no so well alone. As a team they could do anything, Handle Explosives, Smuggle Hairdryers anything. But recentley Christiano had started getting jealous of Edgio getting most of the credit for a lot of their work, Nasho hoped they could hold things together for the sake of the family

 

Last was the slightly unbalanced Scottio 2 Hottio who Kevino worried about sometimes, He was far too flash you see and had been known to do a bizarre wiggling manouver accross the floor during bank jobs. Not only did this slow things down, he also tended to drop a lot of money whilst doing this. He had his moments however which was why he was still a firm member

 

"Right boys" Kevino said "I have a problem I need dealing with" Everyone stood to attention except Sal who couldn't stand as he had tied his shoelaces together "You remember that street gang who were working in asscosiation with the Mcmanino's until we scared them off?" Everyone nodded in agreement "Well know they've started working for the Bollea's and I want them given a warning beating" Guido interrupted "Will that be easy?" He asked "I know it's only The Mean Street Posse but the Bollea's are bound to protect them somehow I'm not sure I want in" "Guido" Nasho replied "I've been hearing good things about The Kid Candido recentley noone not even you is expendable. Now I need you to do this job and I hope you'll do the right thing" Guido thought about it for a second before agreeing "Ok boss we'll deal with it tomorrow" He said "See that you do Kevino replied before heading back to the limo "But remember I only want them beaten I don't want them killed"

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part III

 

 

"Ah another great day in prospect fighting the scum of Stamford" thought Chief of Police Dave "Earl" Hebner as he sat down in his plush office "The local crime syndicates have no idea whats coming to them, now whats the first order of business?" Suddenly his concentration was broken by a noise in the hall "What was that?" Earl thought as his door flew open

 

"Earl, Earl" The voice said "Preshident Roth ees gonna be here eny minute, I need da crime eradidicadated by then eef ya weel" Earl looked up to see a slightly sweaty Mayor Rhodes standing at his desk "Mayor" Earl replied "President Ross is due here in five minutes, I hardly think it's fair to expect me to have eradicated all the crime in this city by then" Mayor Rhodes stood still for a second thinking "Well make a shtart eef ya weel" he came out with. "Sir" replied Earl "I made a start the moment I came in here"

 

"I don't deserve this kind of treatment" Earl thought to himself "I'm the best cop in this damn country". Indeed this wasn't too far from the truth, Earl was a born cop it was in his blood. Ever since he had heard stories of his Great Great Grandfather killing the famous outlaw Cactus Jack in the Wild West he'd known what he wanted to do with his life. But here he was, one of the greatest cops in law enforcement history having to take orders from this cretin. "How did he ever get elected" Earl wondered. He already knew the answer to this however

 

Mayor Dusty Rhodes had got unbelievably lucky in the last election. He started the campaign as quite possibly the biggest outsider in two horse race history he had no chance. Or so people thought at the time. You see his opponent Jerry Lawler was too cocky for his own good. He had every reason to be over confident however. He'd been in office for eight years preciding over the biggest economic boom in Stamford history but then just as election time came up a couple of major problems contributed to his downfall. Firstly his son Brian was caught trying to smuggle drugs over the Canadian border which was a ridicullously stupid thing to do at that time, that one almost buried Lawler on it's own but the final nail in the coffin came when local reporter Gregory Helms blew the lid on the whole corruption process in the city hall which was leaving Local crimelords to go about their business unchecked. A lot of people got chopped for that one but Lawler and Former Chief of Police Nick Patrick were the two most public. From there Rhodes had no competition as noone else had entered the race.

 

"Deed you jusht hear a word I shaid" asked Mayor Rhodes. "No" Replied Earl "Realising he'd been reminicing about the past" "You should have been listnen ya shee" Replied the mayor "I wash justh ashkin you who would ween in a fight Kitt or Herbie make a choiche eef ya weel". Earl just started shaking his head "It's common knowledge sir" He pointed out "That Kitt is nothing without Michael Knight whereas Herbie is perfectly capable of going Bananas by himself". The Mayor looked angry on hearing this "Get back to work eef ya weel" He said "We havn't got time for shtupeed discushions" Earl would have argued with this but there was no point really "Ash a matter of fact" added the Mayor "I can't be distracted at all today" Earl just rolled his eyes and got back to his work "Hey Earl" Mayor Rhodes started up again "Can you get that ashistant of yurs that Kelly guy to come and do that danche he does?" Earl sighed before replying "I don't think Kevin's in a mood to dance today sir, his parakeet died this morning" "Jeshus" Dusty replied "Really makes you think doeshnt it" "Not really" Earl muttered under his breath

 

Suddenly the intercom came on "Mr Mayor" The Voice said "The President is here" The Mayor started panicking on hearing this "Quick, Quick" he screamed "Move that ashtray an inch to tha laft eef ya weel" Despite not thinking it would matter much Earl moved it not wanting to cause a scene, as they were at the top of the building Earl realized that he had another five minutes to remember his glory days

 

Ah the conquests he had executed before this. He had in his time put away some of America's most notorious serial killers. Most notably the crazed Hillbilly Jim who killed over 40 people across the country "Ah that was a good one he thought" It was also him who had put away the crazed "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan who had killed "Ho's" up and down the country. He also recalled the days when he broke the Holly's pig smuggling ring down in Alabama. "Ah those were the days" He thought to himself but this was much bigger this was the case he'd go down in history for

 

"HEINOUS BASTARD" The voice rang down the corridor as Earl sat to attention. Suddenly President Ross burts into the room "I've never in all my 35 weeks in the presidency seen anything like this" He said "These people have families you know"

 

President Ross had always been exitable for some reason. He seemed even worse than usual today however "What seems to be the problem sir" Earl enquired "Its terrible" The President replied "The 180,000,000 Americans in 45 states wouldn't like it" "OK Mr Pesident" Earl said "Calm down take deep breaths and explain whats going on" "Theres a new hazard on the streets" President Ross explained "and it's a threat to every one of the 250,000,000 Americans in 52 states, Theres a new drug going around the streets the worst yet and we believe it's bing provided by the Kliqfather" Earl thought for a minute before replying "Whats it called?" The President took a sip of his water before replying "Slobberknocker" He said

 

"Slobberknocker?" Earl thought "What the hell kind of name for a drug is that?" but Slobberknocker was no joke. It was capable of ruining lives due to it's addictivness and newly found wide spread availability, plus it made the taker slobber like a doberman. Female addicts would slobber all over their knockers which is where the name came from

 

"Well" said President Ross "Do you think you can save the 345,000,000 Americans in 78 states from this menace?" Earl thought before replying "Yeah" he said "I think I can. I've stopped major crimes before and I can do it again dammit, now President Ross, Mayor Rhodes you'll have to excuse me I gotta go to work"

"Pick me up some nacho's eef ya weel" Mayor Rhodes asked as Earl left the room

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part IV

 

 

"Don't talk with your mouthful Syxxo" Kevino Nasho said to his eldest son as the family were seated around the dinner table "It's bad manners and you might choke, like that man daddy killed last week you remember?" Syxxo carefully swallowed before replying "Yes daddy" he said "I remember, can me and Aldo have some ice cream?" "Ask your mother" Kevino replied "Mommy" Syxxo asked "Can i have some ice cream". Sunny thought about it for a second before replying "Sorry son, Mommy had the muchies earlier and she ate all the ice cream". Kevino's youngest son Aldo looked confused "Mommy whats the munchies?" he asked "It's just another word for feeling hungry after you've used narcotics son"

 

Kevino knew his wife shouldn' be talking to Aldo like that, luckily he didn't think Aldo understood, yet. Kevino didn't know exactly where things had gone wrong with Sunny, when they got married she was a young bubbly girl full of life, now all she was full of was Opium, he needed to do something to sort her out problem was he wasn't exactly sure what would do the trick. He could always put a call in to The Wifebeater but he wasn't sure that would do the trick

 

It wasn't so bad anyway as his gang which he had christened Da DX Wolfpac for some reason should be dishing out the beating of a lifetime to Bollea's accomplices The Mean Street Posse today, infact the beating should be going on as he spoke, his Spaghetti Bolognaisse tasted all the better for knowing that "Well maybe it could do with a little more salt" He thought "Hey Taz pass the salt will you" "Yes sir" Taz replied "That salt is in the path of rage" Kevino had no idea why Taz always said that, still he usually ended up getting passed what he asked for so he figured it was unimportant

 

Other than his occasionly weird mannarisms Taz was an exemplery butler anyway. Kevino always felt safe when Taz was around as he knew Taz was willing to take a bullet for his master. Taz might struggle to take care of any head shots though as it would require a hell of a jump for the little guy to get up there. It was also lucky that the family lived in this giant mansion too so they didn't need to have high shelves everywhere. Taz was also one hell of a good kids entertainer for the kids aswell. Although they were getting a bit old for Taz's Oompa Loompa show they still found his "I can't reach the pornographic material on the top shelf" routine very entertaining

 

"Daddy, Daddy" yelled Aldo "Is uncle Hunterio coming round later?" "He should be son" replied Kevino " "I believe he's at the bar with my brothers". Aldo looked worried "Is Uncle Scottio going to be drunkied again?" Kevino sighed "Theres a chance son , but lets hope not eh, Syxxo how was your day at school?" "I'm not getting a fair push at school father" he said "and they gave the lead in the school play to that Dwayne Johnson again" "Well son" Kevino replied "He is a third generation actor and all, don't forget his dad had the lead in the Rocky Films" "Yeah, Yeah" Syxxo replied "and his Grandfather used to star in westerns, you've told me all this before, it doesn't change the fact that I'm far more talented and deserve the lead" "I'll think about it" replied Kevino "I think we spoil you though, you never play with that Bronco we bought you anymore, whats it called again" "It's called Buster dad, you know that" Syxxo replied

 

Where had he gone wrong to bring Syxxo up like this? To tell you the truth he didn't know, ever since he'd been able to count to 1-2-3 he'd assumed he was better than everyone else but people were holding him back. In reality he'd had prefferential treatment at every turn and Kevino had often "Persuaded" teachers to give him better grades than he deserved. Yet he was still like this all the time, Dwayne Johnson this Dwayne Johnson that. Kevino was starting to get a bit sick of it. He was even considering sending him to the All Japan boarding school where they might be able to make a man of him

 

Suddenly the doors flew open and Da DX Wolfpac burst into the room all talking at the same time "OK guys we'll go into the Parlour and then ONE of you can explain to me what happened, step this way please" Kevino said as he led the men into the parlour "Find a seat and mind the beard dye please" Now can somebody explain what happened

 

Johnny began to talk "We got intercepted by a giant swarm of flying space terrapins, sir" He said "They threatened to chop off our genatalia if we didn't buy the new Elton John album buy a record player and play it on the moon" "ooooh kaaay" said Kevino "Can somebody capable of telling the truth tell the story please?, how about you Guido"

 

"Er OK boss" He said "This is what happened"

 

*Cue Dreamy Flashback sequence*

 

Da DX Wolfpac are standing outside a warehouse in the industrial are of Stamford "OK" said Guido "This is where the posse hold their so called secret meetings, now all we've got to do is go in there beat the hell out of them and get the hell out of there" "Right" said Sal "Lets go" "Not yet you moron" replied Guido "We need to scout the place out first, for all we know the Bollea's could be waiting in there with machine guns, Now lets take a look around" "No need" Said Johnny "I'll go and do it and meet you guys back here in a minute" Guido sighed to himself before saying "Johnny what you mean by that is that you'll walk around the back of the warehouse then come back and say you gave them the beating of a lifetime with your ninja training which I know you never had by the way" Johnny just looked at the floor on hearing this "I don't see anything strange" said Vito "The Posse are playing cards round a table but I can't see anybody else there" You sure it's safe?" asked Jerichioioio "You can never be sure" replied Vito "It looks that way though"

 

The men stepped inside the warehose and made their way towards the Posse "Ah hah" said Scottio "We meet again" "Crap" Screamed Petio Petrolio "Its Da DX Wolfpac, Quick Rodneyo press the silent alarm" "Yes boss" replied Rodney as he turned the Toaster on "Oh Rooooooodneyooo, you silly pillock" Petio replied as he triggered the alarm. "Enough chit chat" Said Guido "Sal, I'll let you start"

 

Sal cracked Joeio Absanardi over the head with an iron bar before proceeding to beat him horribly as the rest of the Pack worked over Petio and Rodneyo. The screams echoed around the building as the door flew open "Well,well well" said the voice "You must be the Kliquefathers boys" Everyone spun around to catch their first glimpse of Hulk Bollea in the flesh flanked by his cousn Horacio Hogan. "Dude sweet tan" Christiano remarked "Where did you get it?" "That is none of your concern bruddah" Hulk replied "and besides I'm about to kill you anyway, get ready to walk through the valley of the shadow of death dude" "What like you killed your hair" Christiano quipped

 

At this point Hulk started to get angry and when he got angry he turned green and grew. This meant he ripped his clothes, which made him even more angry "Look what you did" said Edgio "We'd better get the hell out of here" Everyone then sprinted towards Hulk and did a baseball slide through his legs before running outside to escape in the getaway car

 

*Dreamy Flashback Sequence Finishes*

 

"So thats what happened sir" said Guido "Yeah" said Johnny "and then there was the terrapin incedent on the way home" Kevino thought for a second "This Bollea seems like a threat alright" he said "We need to stop him, beating up the Posse was a good start, I think I'll have to go and find my brothers to bring them back here for the moment, just till I work things out"

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part V

 

 

"What are you looking at barman?" asked Scottio Hallo "I'm not drunkered or anything, and what the hell kind of name is Guerrero anyway" Barman Eddie sighed before giving his answer "It was my father's name" he said "I'm of Mexican blood and in Mexico the tradition is that a father passes his surname onto his son" "Actually Eddie" Said Hunter "Hearse" Helmsley "It's the tradition here too" Scottio thought about this for a second before briefly passing out, when he awoke he asked his question "So why is it" he said "Not that i'm drunk but just listen to this man" "Ok" Said everyone in the bar at the time "That my brothers Kevino and Michael have the surname Nasho yet I'm a Hallo?"

 

Noone bothered to answer this as they had told Scottio this many times and he'd remember in the morning. He'd changed his name by deed poll whilst on an all day bender in November 1997 in Montreal, The boys were out to celebrate that Michael (also called the heartbreak kid) had gotten his first screw the night before and noone had bothered to change it back

 

Indeed Scottio was an interesting character all round around 1994 he had worked excellently with his younger brother Michael on numerous crimes and was also critical around 1996 when the family turned on the Mcmanino's and established themselves as the sole powers of Stamford

 

That was before he discovered the so called joys of alcohol however and ever since he did his alcoholism has been getting worse and worse. It even affected Barman Eddie a while back but luckily he managed to sort himself out. Scottio's problems seemed pretty much irreversible at times. The problems perhaps reached a peak when Michael jokingly told Scottio that Pro-V was a type of alcoholic drink causing Scottio to drink a whole bargeload of smuggled Pantene Pro-V which Kevino had imported from France

 

"CRAP" Scottio shouted "I'm on fire". "No Scottio" replied Michael "You just think you're on fire because your drunk and you're wearing that flame effect shirt" "Oh Yeah" replied Scott "Well how do you explain this then?" Michael looked confused "You're holding up your wallet to me I can see that" he said "But what the hell do you want me to explain about it?" Michael shook his head as Scottio fell asleep at the bar

 

Michael wasn't known as the Heartbreak Kid for nothing. Even though he might be getting a bit old to be called a kid anymore. Other than that the name was pretty much spot on. Unconfident with girls in earlier life he'd had a complex after failing to pull the resident slut of his school "Miss" Elizabeth. But after getting his first screw in Montreal his attitude towards women totally changed and he began using and losing them like nobodies business, He'd been through the alphabet several times now even managing to find the odd girl he could use for Q. He was also fairly eager to prove Kevino wrong as his brother had made it clear that he thought Michael had had things easy since the Macmanino's had been vanquished and might not be ready for the onslaught the Bollea's we're going to come up with sooner or later

 

His cousin Hunterio was a much stronger character than the others. He was far more ruthless when it came to his rivals and would happily stab most people in the back if he could gain an advantage from it. He was also a crack shot with a sniper rifle. All this made him one of those people you could never be sure if it was good or bad to have him around you

 

Also in the bar were Kevino's usual assassins of choice the Hardio brothers Matthio and Jethio. Although they hadn't actually been working for Kevino that long their methods of killing had made them big favourites with Kevino. Although occasionally a little flashy the Hardio's had settled on a killing routine which they used every single time where Matio did the groundwork drawing out the intended victim by yodelling before Jethio did his flashy Samurai Sword spin before decapitating the victim. Kevino had only once supervised it being done and since it was so effective he hadn't bothered checking up on the brothers again and besides once you'd seen one Hardio brothers assassination you'd seen them all

 

"Double whisky with a chaser" Scott said as he came around "I think you've probably had enough Mr Hallo" Barman Eddie replied "Look barman" Scottio sneered "I've got a gun in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it" Realising he was probably serious about this Hunterio stepped in "Theres no need for that now Scottio" he said "Barman Eddie's been serving you drinks all night, why shoot a man who gives you the world?" Scottio simply passed out again rather than go to the trouble of answering any questions

 

"I suppose we'd better get him upstairs" remarked Michael "You gonna carry him?" asked Hunterio "Good point" Michael said "But we can't leave him down here with all this alcohol" at this point Kevino walked into the room "My brothers" he said "I'm not your brother I'm your cousin" Hunterio replied "Well whatever" Kevino said "I'm glad your all safe" "Safe?" asked Michael "What the hell do we have to worry about?" Kevino sighed before he answered "The Bollea's Michael we have the Bollea's to worry about now, especially now Hulk has entered his angry green form" "Green" replied Huntio "How can one so orange turn so green?" "No idea" Kevino replied "It aint natural thats for sure but it's not something I'd like to hang around and investigate anyway" he continued "I'm going to have to make sure none of us go out tonight so no womanising for you Michael and no whatever you do at night for you Hunterio"

 

Hunterio did not always agree with Kevino's safety first policy and he was no different here "Why the hell are we letting these guys rule us" He asked "Bollea's methods would have looked bad in the 80's theres no reason we can't roll over him now" "Patience cousin" Kevino replied "It's more complex than you think we have to get rid of him without letting Hebner get any evidence that might lead to a conviction, Now lets all go upstairs and play eye spy"

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part VI

 

 

"How are you getting on with this slobberknocker?" President Ross asked Chief of Police Hebner "Not bad" Hebner replied "infact I even have a lead involving the mean street posse", "Thats very good Earl" replied President Ross "but I've decided to bring in some help for you on this case seeing as it's such a big one and all" "Help?" replied Earl "What makes you think I need help?" President Ross strolled over to the window mainly for dramatic effect "This is a big one Earl" he announced "Possibly the biggest in the history of our great country, We have to stop the spread of slobberknocker before it gets to our nations children, Will someone please think of the children?, anyway to get to the point I've decided to bring two of the best FBI agents in to help"

 

Earl hated the FBI, everytime he had worked with them in the past they had just got in the way whilst making a bunch of in-jokes he didn't get. He figured they were mainly aimed at him as the FBI tended to look down on the regular police, Even men in a position of power like Earl got no respect from the feds

 

"If you'll stop daydreaming for a minute" President Ross said "I'll introduce special agent Angle and special agent Benoit" "Good afternoon Mr Hebner" said agent Angle "I've heard good things about you" "No you havn't" Earl replied "You are an FBI agent you look down on cops" "Thats true" replied agent Angle "Just trying to be friendly though we don't want you getting all upset like a code AB9" Angle continued as he burst into fits of laughter "Or a B82D" Agent Benoit couldn't control himself on hearing this and burst out laughing too "Stupid FBI and their stupid injokes" Earl muttered under his breath "Think they can belittle me in my office"

 

"So" said agent Benoit calming himself "What do we have so far?" Earl passed him the file "Why don't you look for yourself" he said "like an AB9" Agent Angle just stared back "Thats not funny Mr Hebner" he said "do you realise how serious this is?" "Yeah cut out the hossplay Earl" President Ross said "This is no time for jokes", "Yeth Earl" said Mayor Rhodes who'd just entered the room "Cut out da joketh eef ya weel" "This is bullcrap" thought Earl "The damn feds have only been here 5 minutes and already they are turning my superiors against me"

 

"da fedth are da best arn't day Earl" said Mayor Rhodes "Day really are da men" Earl chose not to dignify Mayor Rhodes's comment with an answer oh how he'd love it if the papers found out about the rather odd activities of the mayor's son Dustin, Earl would relish seeing him try and wriggle his way out of that one

 

"So" said Agent Angle who already seemed to be the more talkative of the two "have we tried tapping phonelines?" "Yes" replied Earl " But Nasho installs new ones as quickly as we bug the old ones" "Have we got a man on the inside" Angle asked "Yes" replied Earl "He's gathering evidence every day" "Hmm" said agent Angle "Have we tried an A7B?" Earl looked confused "Whats an A7B?" "He doesn't understand" said President Ross "You'll have to talk in laymans terms" "Sir" said Earl "You don't understand either" "Yes I do" replied President Ross "Then what does it mean?" asked Earl "Thats not important" replied President Ross "but believe me it's heinous"

 

"Ith it da nuclear strike?" asked the Mayor "Dat would do da job wouldn't it?" "It would" replied agent Angle "but it would also kill us and millions of others" "Yeah" replied the Mayor "but den we could thay we thaw someone gettin thrown over da top rope and call a dithqualification". Agent Angle wasn't entirley sure what to make of this suggestion "Mayor Rhodes" he said "A nuclear strike tends to be pretty final, I can't really think of any way of getting out of it once the bomb has been dropped" "Well" replied the Mayor "What if we had a fight with dem in a cage with two ringth in it?" "No" replied Angle "I don't think that would work either" "OK" said Mayor Rhodes "Three rings?"

 

"How am I supposed to win this case" Earl thought to himself "When I have to put up with this crap and my nemesis has it so easy"

 

Scene switches to the parlour of the Kliquefather mansion

 

"Lousy hot dogs" yelled Scottio Hallo shortly before being sick in a bucket "I'm not sure it was the hot dogs" replied Kevino Nasho "I'd say it's more likley to be the large amounts of alcohol you consumed downstairs" "Alcohol schmalcahol" Scottio replied "These hot dogs suck" Sunny looked quite upset at hearing this "Well I did my best" she replied "and it's the caterers day off, I'd like to see you do any better" Scottio thought about this for a second before deciding he didn't care he had better things to worry about like where he could get more booze

 

"Daddy, Daddy" Syxxo shouted as he entered the room "The Garbageman is evil" Kevino took a second to wonder what his son was talking about before asking the obvious "Why is that son" he said. "He's called Duke Droese" Syxxo answered. "Whats so bad about that?" Kevino asked "Well" replied Syxxo"it's quite complex but Duke and Earl are both English noble names therefore it follows that Duke Droese has something to do with Earl Hebner" Suddenly the realisation hit Kevino "My god you're right" he said "Have him killed and quickly dammit"

 

Syxxo ran accross the room to where the Hardio brothers were playing snap and told them what needed doing "I need you two to kill the binman because he's a Hebner affiliate" The Hardio boys nodded in agreement "It shall be done" said Jethio "Indeed it shall" added Matthio.

 

Noone was quite sure why the Hardio brothers were willing to take orders from a 12 year old but they took the orders every time. Even when Syxxo wanted teachers who he thought were holding him back killed the Hardio's would do it. No questions asked

 

The Hardio's headed outside knowing what they had to do and as soon as they stepped onto the front Porch they could see Droese handling the first bag of empty conditioner bottles "Sneak round the side of the house" suggested Matthio "It shall be done "Answered Jethio "I'll lure him round here with the yodelling trick and when he pops his head around the corner, BAM" Jethio merley nodded as they had killed with the exact same formula many times before and he knew the drill inside out.

 

The Duke was picking up the beer cans when he heard the noise "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh" "Was that yodelling" he wondered "I've heard those Austrian girls are beautiful I'll go take a look" The last thing Droese saw was Jethio Hardio spinning a sword at light speed towards his neck

 

The usual fountain of blood followed "we'd better go and get Scottio and Michael to help us bury this" suggested Mathio "It shall be so" replied Jethio "It's all right we're already here" said Michael "Kevino sent us out, ugh a dead garbageman I havn't experienced a smell like this since we buried Dean Douglas"

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Part VII

 

 

"Excellent" Kevino Nasho remarked upon hearing of the death of trash collecting nuisance Duke Droese "another enemy vanquished, No home serviceman screws me over and gets away with it, Syxxo, whats the name of our electrician?" "He's called Randy Orton dad" Syxxo replied "Well" said Kevino "I suppose I can spare him for the moment, but if he fits one dodgy fuse then.. kablam, you know what I mean" Syxxo stared blankly back at his father before Sunny interrupted "You know he's far too young to have seen the original Super Test series with Andrew Martin" "What?" replied Kevino "He's missing the classics, Kabam, Kapow, Blazam, Shabong ahh I used to love that show" "Thats not important right now, whats important is that you stop this killing spree" "What?" replied Kevino "I only had one guy killed and I woke up this morning with a split end aswell, don't make me call the wifebeater"

 

Sunny just sighed and left the room, her narcotics abuse had been getting worse ever since Kevino started getting paranoid about everything, she just couldn't live with the constant "where are you going" "did you contaminate my shampoo" anymore. Drugs were her mental escape from Kevino's nonsensical ramblings about security and the hazards of brushing your hair the wrong way. "Ah well" she thought "better have some more Opium"

 

"Is she high again" Kevino asked Taz "It appears so sir" Taz replied "But I'm sure she'll be fine in a minute" Kevino paced around for a while "a minute's no good in the current climate Taz" he said "a minutes lapse could cost lives, we're involved in a gang war dammit and we need to start acting like it so you'll have to put the call in Taz" "You mean THE call" Taz replied "Yes Taz I want you to call the wifebeater"

 

Taz walked nervously over to the phone and picked up the Mafia Yellow Pages, he looked under W for Wifebeating services and found the number accompanied by a large colour advert promising to give the customer his money back if he wasn't entirley satisfied with the beating dished out. Taz shook as he dialled the number "The number you have dialled has not been recognised please try again" the annoying voice said "Damn fat fingers Taz said to himself before trying again

 

This time the phone rang, It was answered too but there was no voice to greet Taz, just silience "Err H,Hello" he said nervously "What?" came the reply "I..I said Hello" replied Taz "What?" came the reply "What did he say?" shouted Kevino from across the room "What" replied Taz "What did he say" shouted Kevino again "No I meant he said what, thats all he's said so far" replied a slightly bemused Taz "Ah carry on then" replied Kevino "Hello" said Taz down the phone again "What do you want" the male voice said "I..I err saw your number in the mafia pages and we need a wifebeater" Taz said "Well why didn't you say" replied the voice "I'm the wifebeater I'm your man, I'll do your job" "Great" said Taz "Can you come around straight away?" "What?" replied the wifebeater "I'm sorry" replied Taz "it must be a bad line an you..." The wifebeater cut him off "No I heard you" he said "Then why did you say What?" Taz enquired "Force of habit" the Wifebeater replied "I'll be there in an hour"

 

"Well?" said Kevino as Taz walked over "He says he'll be here in an hour" Taz said as the doorbell rang "That was a quick hour" replied Kevino "Go and bring him in woud you?" "Sir" Taz replied "I doubt it's him but I'll go and take a look"

 

Taz opened the door slowly just incase "Have you ever suffered an injury at work?" The voice said "any bumps, bruises, split ends, broken bones or been killed?" "No" said Taz I've never been killed Mr" Taz briefly checked the mans name badge "Mr Storm" "Ok" replied Mr Storm "do you need any double glazing?" "No" said Taz "We have bullet proof windows" "Security system?" Storm asked "Got one" Taz replied "You wanna buy some cookies?" Storm asked. Taz did not answer this and just slammed the door in his face "Damn hippies" he said for no explainable reason

 

"Shall we play skittles to pass the time?" Kevino suggested "I'm playing" said Syxxo "and I'll be having a 50 point start please" "Ok" said Kevino "anyone else?", "I shall contribute to the activity" Jethio Hardio replied "So shalleth I" said his Brother Matthio "I guess I'd better play too then" said Taz "Those skittles are in the path of rage"

 

The men happily passed an hour doing this with Syxxo winning after five or six replays and four stewards enquiries.

 

Just as the last argument had finished the doorbell rang "Who do you suppose that could be" Kevino wondered aloud "I'd suggest it might be the wifebeater sir" Taz pointed out "Excellent" Kevino replied "Let him in would you Taz"

 

Taz answered the door and let the wifebeater in "Whats your name" asked Kevino "I'm Steve" the wifebeater replied "Now wheres the woman that wants a beating?" "She's in the bedroom" Kevino replied "She's kinda opiumed up though so be careful". "I aint being careful" Steve replied "I didn't get where I am today by being careful, I got here by spliiling beer everywhere and ranting a lot" Everyone looked a little confused at hearing this and a long uncomfortable silence ensued before Syxxo finally piped up "Can I help?" "No" replied the wifebeater "I think you're a little young" "I'll hold him down" said a drunk Scottio Hallo who had just arrived "No way" said Steve "I aint working with that bum and I aint working with him either" he said pointing at Gardener Brock who had just walked through the door in the hope of informing Kevino that he had rair orchids in his garden "I'm out of here" Steve said before slamming the door behind him "You can't just walk out" Kevino shouted after him in blame "Quick Syxxo" he said "Make it look like it wasn't our fault on the internet

 

 

To be Continued

 

 

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