Random Review #2

[Guest TheHulkster]

Random Review #2

By The Hulkster

 

Another month passes, which means it’s time for the Hulkster to exterminate his boredom and yours by reviewing another anonymous wrestling tape. The contents of this unmarked tape are a mystery to me, but no matter how low the workrate is, no matter how shitty the promos are, no matter if the tape contains T.L. Hopper fighting Aldo Montoya on Superstars, I will take the challenge in reviewing it for you, my fellow fans of this great fake sport called professional wrestling. So grab a cold beer and join me as we take a journey into the closet of tapes that time forgot.

 

This tape starts out with a Nitro from Asheville, NC. It’s a pretty packed house for a city I’ve never heard of. Tony and Larry give us a (not so) quick recap of Fall Brawl 1996, leading me to believe that the date of this show is 9/16/96 (Thanks to my handy dandy PWI Almanac. Their magazines kind of stink, but their yearly almanac kicks 10 different kinds of ass). Anyway, TS apologizes to Sting for thinking he joined the NWO the previous week, but Larry cuts him off and basically calls Sting a sissy for getting his feelings hurt over something so stupid. NWO fans are shown handing out flyers to the people entering the building, promoting the evil empire known as the New World Order. If they only showed that much dedication when it came to every other storyline. Anyway, Back to the ring we go. We are joined by the masked man from Mexico, Juventud Guerrera. His opponent is Rey Misterio Jr. There is a god.

 

Match #1

Rey Misterio Jr Vs Juventud Guerrera – Cruiserweight Championship

Rey is wearing a strange half mask where the back of his head is exposed. He is totally bald during this particular period. Arm Drag out of a Collar and Elbow tie-up from Juvi starts the match, and the two luchadores circle each other for a brief bit. Another C & E tie-up leads a wristlock from Rey, and immediately he turns it into a standing surfboard, which the fans pop for. Juvi slips out of it and hits Rey with a DDT. A pinfall gets a 2 count, so Juvi picks him up and hits him with a fall away slam. Another cover gets another 2, and Juvi takes his time picking Rey up. Rey takes advantage of this and grabs a single leg takedown into a Hennig-esque knee drop to the leg. Rey stays on the leg and slips into a step-over toehold. Rey whips him into the ropes and they crisscross, which Juvi wins by hitting a back elbow. Juvi whips Rey into the ropes, but Rey slides through his legs and hits him with a spinning heel kick. Both men get up and trade chops. Rey whips him into the ropes and flips Juvi over the ropes. Juvi lands on the apron and attempts a springboard cross body block, which Rey counters by drop kicking him in the stomach. Juvi moves to the outside and Rey fakes a dive, Juvi ducks, and Rey hits a springboard Hurricanrana to the outside. Jesus H Christ, it was a thing of beauty. Tony proclaims that they have to cut to a commercial break, but I remember I cut out the commercials when I taped these 5 ½ years ago *pats himself on the back, Barry Horowitz style*. We go back to the action as Juvi is covering Rey for 2. Juvi whips him in and hits a drop kick so nice that Tony compliments it. The Juice taunts the crowd and ends up getting back dropped to the apron by Rey. Juvi hits Rey with a springboard spinning heel kick that sends Rey outside through the opposite end of the ring. Guerrera continues the flurry with a Baseball slide to Rey’s chest and then a fucking Asai moonsault. Juvi is the fucking man! Rey is dead! Juvi then throws Rey into the ring and hits a springboard 450 splash to a very close near fall. Juvi puts him up on top and chops him hard in the chest. Rey falls off the top rope into a crumpled heap on the canvas. Rey gets put on the top rope again, and Juvi hits him with a dragonsteiner. Now Rey is dead. Another very close near fall for Juvi, and Juvi gets pissed off. What can be next? We cut to an NWO fan tailgate party, which serves no purpose but to piss me off. We cut back to Juvi going for a top rope powerbomb, and if you’ve seen any Rey Misterio Jr. match before, you know how this is going to end up. Rey covers him for the 1,2,3 and the crowd gives him a solid ovation. This match kicks all kinds of ass. It’s an easy ***3/4 in my book.

 

We go back to the interview area. We are joined by Debra (who was pretty fucking hot 5 years ago), Mongo, and Chris Benoit. Mongo threatens Sting and Luger, then Debra threatens Sting and Luger, and what do you know, Benoit threatens Sting and Luger too. I’m glad I’m not Sting or Luger.

 

A Glacier segment is next. Fast Forward, here I come.

 

Diamond Dallas Page joins us for the next match, and is still in full scumbag heel mode. His opponent is Ice Train and I’m just elated. This must be some kind of shitty wrestler with some form of Ice in their name theme for this quarter hour.

 

Match #2

Ice Train Vs Diamond Dallas Page

Page loses a couple collar and elbow tie-ups to the amazing power of Ice Train. A third C & E tie-up leads to a headlock by the Train, as I pray for DDP to show us one of those million ways he can get someone in the Diamond Cutter that he used to brag about. Page shoves him off, but Train bounces back and hits a shoulder block. DDP bumps for it like he got hit in the chest by a cannon. You can’t say he isn’t trying. Page bails to the outside to take a breather and comes back in for another C & E tie-up, which leads to a Page headlock. Ice Train tries to power out of it into a top wristlock, but Page slips back on the Headlock. Another attempt leads to the same results, so Train shoves him into the ropes and hits him with another one of those dreaded shoulder blocks of his. DDP falls to the outside and looks pissed off. Train walks over to the ropes and Page grabs his head and drops his throat over them. DDP goes to the top (!) and hits him with a flying clothesline. A couple stomps later, and DDP chokes him with his boot. He then picks him up and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker. A cover gets only 2 (why?), and Pages stomps the Train back down again. Page goes for a running boot, which is caught, but Page spins around and hits a clothesline on the Train. Page signals for the cutter, and attempts it, but gets shoved into the corner. Train follows up with a Belly to Belly suplex. Pages gets up first and stomps away, but Ice Train feels the power of the Trainamaniacs and starts Training up. He hits him with a shove (wtf?), whips him into the ropes, and bearhugs him. Train turns it into a sidewalk slam and drops the straps. Train whips him into the ropes and hits a powerslam.

He covers for a 2 count. Then he hits his patented “I was Mark Henry before Mark Henry was a wrestler” jumping splash. We go back to the merchandise stand as the NWO fans put yellow tape around the WCW merchandise. The match ends while they are showing this, which is beyond retarded. Apparently, DDP grabbed the white towel off of Train’s manager, Teddy Long, and throws it in while Train had him in a full nelson. The match is awarded to Page. *1/2

 

We go back to the NWO fans. They are holding up signs in front of the WCW merchandise stand that read “who wants this crap?” They have a point.

 

Sean Waltman is shown sitting in the front row wearing a Jim Morrison shirt. TS and Larry wonder what he’s doing there.

 

Mike Tenay joins the team which can only means one thing: Foreigners!

 

Match #3

Super Calo Vs Konan

This is during Konan’s “Mexican Heavyweight Champion” period. They lock hands and Konan nails Calo with a pair of Forearms. Konan spins it around, flips Calo in front of him, and hits him with a clothesline. A rolling clothesline from Konan gets reversed into a crucifix by Calo, which gets a 2 count. Calo whips him in, leapfrogs him, rolls under a Konan clothesline, and hits K-Dogg with an arm drag. Konan rolls outside, and Calo hits him with a Tope. Calo throws Konan back into the ring and heads up to the top. Konan stops him, and hits him with a double underhook suplex from the top rope. A cover by Konan gets a 2 count. Konan locks him into the Tequila Sunrise, but lets go when Calo doesn’t tap. A doctorbomb by Konan gets a 2 count. TS and Tenay actually start to put over the Juvi-Misterio match, it was that good. Konan goes for a Splash Mountain, but Calo escapes and hits Konan with a satellite scissors then an arm drag to the outside. Calo dropkicks him into the barricade then hits a springboard spinning cross body block to the outside. Calo bring him inside and pins him for a 2 count. Calo shoots Konan to the ropes and Konan hits a drop kick to Calo’s knee. He follows it up with a pair of stiff kicks and hits a Reverse DDT. A pinfall from Konan get only 2. Konan shoots Calo to the ropes and finally nails that rolling clothesline he was going for earlier in the match. Calo tries to do a 360 bump for it, but only gets about halfway and lands on his head. It looks pretty brutal. Konan locks on an armbar (wtf?), and keeps it locked while taunting the Horsemen and the NWO. He releases the hold and Bodyslams Calo. Then he heads up to the second rope, only to get dropkicked by Calo. Calo goes for a flying head scissors from the top and sort of hits it, even though Konan landed right on top of him. Calo whips him in and drop kicks him. Konan tries to bail to the outside and gets dropkicked by Calo again. Calo hits a Senton splash from the inside to Konan’s prone body on the floor. Then he hits a missle dropkick from the top rope to the floor. He must be in some kind of running contest with Juvi over who’s crazier. Calo brings Konan back into the ring and whips him into the corner. Then Calo attempts a dropkick to Konan in the corner, but K-Dogg moves and Calo does another almost 360 bump onto his head in the corner. I think Juvi owes Calo some money. Konan whips him in, and one 187 later, and it’s ove….Fucking hell, the little bastard kicked out. Konan whips Calo into the corner. Calo tries jumping over Konan as he comes in, but Konan catches his legs and whips him down to the mat. Konan rolls over for a pin, but the little bastard kicks out again. Konan FINALLY seals the deal with the Splash Mountain he missed earlier. That was one hell of a match from a time when Konan still Kind of had it. The psychology was sound and the offense was credible. ***1/2 After the match, they show a replay of Calo landing on his head. Then they show a replay of it again while gasping at the fact that Calo is still walking. Like I said, it was brutal.

 

Tenay confronts Waltman, asking him why he’s out here today. Waltman plays dumb and tells him he came to enjoy the show.

 

Match #4

Hugh Morrus Vs Brad Armstrong

I wonder who is winning this one. Poor Brad, at least he’s on Nitro instead of WCW Pro or Worldwide. Brad and Morrus get into a C & E tie-up, which Hugh powers out of. Hugh locks in a side headlock, but Brad shoves off. They run a criss-cross sequence until Hugh hits Brad with a shoulder block. I start to have flashbacks of Ice Train Vs DDP. The fans start a “Let’s go Brad” chant, and I grow a newfound respect for the residents of Asheville, North Carolina. Another criss cross sequence leads to a double leg takedown and an arm drag by Brad. Brad completes the token jobber offense trifecta by hitting a drop kick, and Hugh bails to the outside. Tony comments on how Brad is consistently one of the top contenders for the cruiserweight title. Tony needs to take his medication. Hugh returns to the ring for another C & E tie-up, and powers Brad into the corner. Hugh whips him to the other corner and avalanches him. He whips him into the other corner and goes for it again, but Brad moves and hits a hiptoss. Brad is too busy doing the jobber fist pump into the air to see Hugh coming at him with a clothesline. Hugh lifts him slowly, but Brad comes back and ties him up in a small package for two. Hugh reverses an Irish whip and hits a power slam. One No Laughing matter later, and Brad is given his 2073 loss…..Holy shit, Brad Crucifixes Hugh for the win! This is a moment that should be etched in the annals of time. Brad Armstrong wins a match. *3/4

 

To cap off hour #2, we are joined by the “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Tenay cuts to clips of Savage’s match to the Giant at Fall Brawl. Savage says a lot, not a whole lot of which makes a bit of sense. Basically, I think he’s trying to say he’s crazy and wants to kick Hogan’s ass.

 

They cut to the back, where the NWO are arriving in one of their many stretch limos. The members in question are Hogan, Nash, Hall, Ted Dibiase, The Giant, and a special guest appearance by the Fake Sting. They banter about how there is nobody left to beat up since most of the major WCW names are going to be in Japan.

 

Match #5

“Macho Man” Randy Savage Vs Scott Norton

Savage races down the entryway and attacks Norton before the bell. They brawl back to the ring, and Norton gets control. An Irish whip by Norton is reversed, and Savage hits a Back Body Drop. A knee to the back sends Norton outside the ring. Savage heads up top, and hits Norton with a double Axe Handle to the outside. Savage enters the ring and waits for Norton, and Norton makes it to the ring apron, but is stopped by several punches by Macho. They take it back inside, and Savage Irish whips Norton, but it is reversed into a Samoan drop. Norton targets the back with various body blows. A backbreaker by Norton leads to a cover for a 2 count. Bischoff starts talking about how when he sent all the major names to NJPW for a tour, he wasn’t intending to leave Savage high and Dry. Foreshadowing by Bischoff to his later turn on WCW? I think so. Savage tries brawling back, but Norton overpowers him and hits a stiff chop on Savage.

Norton hits a power bomb, and covers for a 2 count. A short arm clothesline puts Savage back on the mat. Savage tries fighting his way up, but Norton over powers him again. Norton shoots him in, and hits a power slam for a 2 count again. Norton takes him to the corner and avalanches him three times. Then he shoots him to the other corner, and tries another one, but Savage moves out of the way. Savage punches him in the corner, but Norton reverses it into an Atomic Drop. Norton hits a lariat, picks him up, and whips him into the ropes. He goes for a back body drop, but Savage kicks him in the chest. Savage clotheslines Norton down. Macho takes throws him outside, then brawls with him around the ringside area. Savage brings him back inside the ring, only to throw him out the other side of the ring. Savage slams him on the outside. Then he throws him back inside the ring. Savage tries whipping Norton into the corner, but Norton reverses it with a kick to the gut and a DDT. Norton hits Savage with a brutal looking shoulder breaker. Savage rolls to the outside. Norton picks him up and tries slamming him into the post, but Savage slips out and shoves Norton into the post. Macho is all “fuck this wrestling shit”, picks up a chair and starts swinging it at anything that moves (The Ref, Norton, and announcer Dave Penzer to be more accurate). Your winner by disqualification is Scott Norton. *3/4

 

Mike Tenay, Eric Bischoff, and Heenan discuss Savage being nuts and the in ring debut of Glacier.

 

Match #6

Glacier Vs Big Bubba

The shitty looking karate, the weird outfit, the blue lights, and the fake snow are all there. Heenan talks about how Glacier is going to take wrestling to a new level. No more White Russian for the brain. They fight under blue lights and snow. The match basically consists of Bubba charging at Glacier and Glacier kicking and tripping him. Bischoff is having an orgasm calling this match. One superkick later, and Glacier is your victor. DUD

 

Sting comes out in his last appearance pre-crow. Sting talks with his back to the camera mid-ring. The basic gist of it: Everyone doubted the Stinger, even his best friend Lex Luger. Luger said in an interview the previous week that he was going to find Sting. Sting told him at Fall Brawl that he didn’t join the NWO, and it was a fake Sting. They still didn’t believe the Stinger. Sting has given Luger the benefit of the doubt a thousand times since Luger returned to WCW. He busted his ass for WCW. For the people that didn’t doubt Sting, he still stands by them, but for the doubters, they can stick it. Sting is a free agent. He’s going to pop in when you least expect it.

 

Match #7

Chris Jericho and Marcus Bagwell Vs Ric Flair and Arn Anderson w/ Woman

Jericho is in full goofy babyface jobber mode. This is going to be a squash to say the very least. Waltman stands on his chair with a remote in his hands. He hits a button and it’s an NWO tickertape parade. NWO fans carrying pro-NWO signs pour into the crowd. Bischoff and Tenay label Waltman as the sixth member of the NWO. Jericho starts out with Arn. A C&E lead to a headlock by Jericho, but Arn uses his hair to whip him back down to the canvas. Arn takes him to the corner and rams his shoulder into Chris’ stomach a few times. A whip to the other corner is reversed by Jericho. Arn tries to back body drop Jericho, but Jericho lands on his feet on the apron. Chris punches him and heads up to the top for a missile dropkick. A cover by Jericho only gets a 2 count. Arn

fires back with punches and whips Jericho to the ropes. Jericho ducks under a clothesline and hits a spinning heel kick. Arn bails to the outside for a brief chat session with the Nature Boy. Bagwell tags in and so does Flair. Fans begin to pelt the ring with garbage. Asheville is apparently Horsemen country because Flair is getting nuclear heat. A C&E tie-up leads to a headlock takedown. It’s reversed into a head scissors by Bagwell, which Flair slips out of. Another C&E tie-up, and Flair bring Bagwell into the corner for some choppage. Bagwell fights back with punches and whips Flair into the opposite corner. Bagwell hits a back body drop and Flair begs off. Bagwell moves in, and Flair throws Bagwell outside by the tights. Arn joins Bagwell, and they brawl on the outside. Bagwell throws Arn into the ring, and Bagwell attempts a sunset flip on Flair. Arn holds Ric’s hand (awww), but Jericho dropkicks Arn. Bagwell gets a 2 off of the sunset flip. Bagwell gets 2 off of a backslide. Bagwell gets 2 off of a small package. Flair eats a clothesline to the ouside, and gets pissed off. Arn joins him, and they chat again. Jericho is in against Arn. Jericho starts out with a pair of chops and an Irish whip. Flair hits Jericho in the back of the head with an elbow, and Arn nails the Spine Buster. Bagwell breaks the count, and Arn tags out to Flair. Flair hits Jericho with a knee drop to the skull and begins to do a little strut. Flair locks in a wristlock and tags to Arn. Arn snap mares Jericho and stomps the shit out of him. Afterwards, he hits him with a catapult under the bottom rope. Arn begins to discuss baking tips with Nick Patrick while Flair chokes away at Jericho. Arn locks in an assisted abdominal stretch, and Bagwell tries running in. Arn and Flair fake tag (what the hell is the point of a fake tag behind the ref’s back anyway? They are always a foot away from their partner when they make it). Jericho tries firing back on Flair, but Flair nails a single leg takedown. Arn works the leg and locks in a step over toehold, driving his knee into Jericho’s leg. We go outside to the NWO limo, where none other than Sean Waltman is hamming it up with the men in black. They make fun of Sting for a little bit, and we cut back to the action in the ring as Arn is choking Jericho. Arn goes for a figure 4, but is shoved into the corner. He tags to Flair and Jericho makes the lukewarm tag to Bagwell. Bagwell fires away with punches and Flair flops. Bagwell shoots him in and hits another back body drop then a clothesline. Bagwell has almost completed the token jobber offense trifecta. Bagwell goes for a roll up on Flair, but Arn distracts the referee, and Woman rakes his eyes. A DDT by Arn and a Figure Four by Flair seal the deal for the throw together jobber team of Jericho and Bagwell. Not great, not bad, it is what it is. *3/4

 

Hey, Horsemen T-shirts are only $21.95! It’s cheaper than WWE’s ridiculous prices.

 

Match #8

Chris Benoit and Steve “Mongo” McMichael w/ Debra Vs Lex Luger and Sting

Luger has to go at this match alone because Sting has left the building. Luger starts out the match with the Crippler. Benoit punches away and Irish whips Luger, but Luger reverses it and hits a back body drop. That would be the 76th back body drop of the night. This must be some kind of record. They brawl some more and Benoit tags into Mongo. Mongo Vs Luger: can you say dream match? Anyway, Mongo tries a piledriver. But Luger back body drops out of it (77!). Luger hits a clothesline on Mongo and knocks Benoit off of the apron. Mongo tags out and Benoit stomps Luger in the corner. Luger fights back with punches and stomps Benoit in the corner. He hits the steel plated fore arm of eternal damnation and goes for another, but Mongo hits him from behind. Benoit snap suplexes Luger out of his boots and tags Mongo. Mongo hits and Elbow drop and chokes away. Mongo tags out and Benoit chops Luger in the corner. Benoit continues to stomp away on Luger. Benoit whips him into the ropes and hits an elbow. He goes for a cover for a 2 count, and drags Luger to the corner. Mongo tags in and whips Luger into the corner. Mongo clotheslines Luger down and Luger is blown up. Mongo slams Luger down and headbutts him in the junk. Benoit tags in and whips Luger into the ropes. They clothesline each other down and the count is on. They trade fore arms and Luger gains control. Luger whips Benoit into the ropes and hits a power slam. Luger picks him up and locks on the torture rack. Flair and Arn run in and get clotheslined by Luger. Luger fights them off for a little while, but the numbers prove to be too strong. It’s Horsemen beat down time! *1/2

 

They cut back to the NWO limo, and it’s party time. I wish I got paid to sit in a limo and drink. They discuss how badly they are going to kick Macho’s ass next week when everyone goes to Japan and that’s a wrap for Nitro.

 

My opinion: There were some stinkers, but you can’t go wrong with 2 great matches, 2 big debuts, Sting turning his back on WCW, and Brad Armstrong winning a match. Seeing Nitro in its prime makes me both happy and sad. It’s nice to see some nice long matches featuring some of the best wrestlers in the world at that time, but it’s sad knowing that it’s not around any more to enjoy. Even the bad had it’s own little charm. Anyway, Thumbs up!