WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT- 7/18/2002

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

[Once upon a time, there was a man named Dean who got tired of his Windows 98 crashing all the time. Dean enjoyed hanging out in chatrooms, procrastinating about reviewing wrestling tapes and venturing into the..uh... other regions of the internet that a person will venture to when he or she is alone and the shamefullness of this visitation can be kept in the darkest corners of his or her hearts and thus clean up is the easiest and questions are kept to a minimum by those who would also use this same shame-producing computer. Dean had heard about Linux and how cheap it was to install from getting any of the more famous developers of this open source operating system, so Dean got one and installed and finally got the internet to work and everything was fine. THEN one day, Dean was at work and fucking around in the DVDVR chatroom when young [mul]DOOMSTONE was also in said chat. [m]DS invited young, slim, good-looking Dean to a bar for postwork drinks. After a few Yuengling B&T drafts and Rush songs on the cd jukebox, Dean invited [m]DS over to the house for the Smackdown and to talk about their favorite Fox television shows with Dean's wife. Dean, not wanting to be a crappy host, decides to write the realtime review of Smackdown on the computer in the living room, which is basically just for the children to endlessly dress Maisy in stylish cartoon clothing. Having written a beautiful dissertation about GMZ~!, Canadians, shitty punches and hot male ass, Dean discovered that he didn't actually know how to open a file on a floppy disc with the beloved Linux operating system. Thus, he took the disc to work and the disc was faulty- as one in four are. So, he copied it again when he went home for lunch and FINALLY! YOU HAVE YOUR SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT FOR 7/18/2002!]

 

I met [mul]DOOMSTONE at the 929 Café after work and got a little tanked and then we sat around my living room and watched this while I typed this on my youngsters' computer. 929 Café was Twisters back in the day and it was the first time I had ever worn a golf shirt in ernest while entering. I saw a 1000 shows there back in the day and the fact that the bathrooms no longer swell like a slaughterhouse was enough for me to realize- yes- you can't go home again....

 

WHAT WORKED

- Hey, they're setting up Chavo vs Rey and I gots no problem with that. The match versus hurricane was perfectly fine- what with TAZ calling the Shining Wizard and everything. The Hurricane push seems to be saved for another day. I wonder how this will effect the only thing I actually care about in this pathetic promotion. Unless Rey and Chavo start listening to Brujeria and come out with wifebeaters and switchblades and spit Laser malt liquor at the rednecks, I don't see how this is gonna make ME like this crappy Cruiserweight division anymore than I do.

 

- Chris Jericho was fun getting over the feud with Jon Cena with the evil ass-beating after the super-stupid DQ ending. The only time you see a DQ ending in the WWE is when they are doing one of these stupid "He Keeps Losing To This Guy, WHAT THE HECK!" styled angles. Despite the ear-splitting whine from me, it was a fun beatdown. Jericho should be far more hated what with this impressive beatdown and the impressive Edge beatdown from way back. Maybe if he wasn't trying so hard to get over as a lovable heel as opposed to being an intense dick, these beatdowns would seal his future as a memorable heel.

 

- There is a batch of sweet sweet male ass. This week I opt to stare at the divine tush of Chuck- saving Billy's fabulous ass for next week. Holly and Valbowski are not anything to get me excited usually but this match overachieves the way a wrestling match should overachieve. Holly kicks Billy ion the testicles and isn't Dqed- SEE! SEE! SEE! Chuck rules with the elbow and the lariat. Val has a nice kneedrop so I can't hate this at all. Chuck has a fab Belly to Belly Vertical suplex- enhancing his glutial tightening and making the honeybucket protrude like you want it to. They don't give this enough time to truly realize this, but Chuck and Billy are a good heel team- with lots of cool offense when getting HEAT~! On the face and selling and bumping like kings for the faces afire. This match was actually almost long enough to be a legit good tag match. Val's neat Blue Thunder and Frog Splash put the whole magilla over the top. HAIL! HAIL! A full Worldwide point!

 

- Rikishi, Hogan with Edge, Evil Canadians- OF COURSE THIS WORKED! Why do the Evil Candadians not come out to "By-Tor and The Snowdog"? DOOMSTONE played "Red Barchetta" at the bar- a jukebox that ruled, what with the Blondie, the Black Flag, the Slayer and the Rush.- so I was wondering these Canadians don't at least go for some cheap heel heat by coming out to "Just Between You And Me" by April Wine. Do these coked-up, dog-molesting shitheads at WWE have ANY idea what III WANT IN MY PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!?!?! WHAT ABOUT DEAN!?!. Edge rocks in this. Lance Storm's comically loose offenCe didn't rock. Test's punches sucked. OH WAIT! Test punches look like fucking Joe Frtazier compared to Hulk Hogan punching like a fucking pansy. Hogan useta wrestle in Memphis so he is all out of excuses. Lance doesn't get to enjoy the sweet sweet Polynesian ass of my sangre Rikishi as Test denies Lance his manly pleasure. It is all for naught as the Americans make quick work of the Canadian America-Haters. They do it again on Sunday? Maybe they shoulda gave the Canadians a little more offense and maybe the win here because they don't seem like much of a threat going in.

 

- Billy Kidman comes out and wrestles Tajiri. I'm disappointed that Tajiri doesn't come out wearing a denim jacket with Dark Angel and Testament patches on it while the strains of "Dethroned Emperor" pump out of the WWE sound system. The match was perfectly fine but Noble and Nidia make a cameo to keep it up here but this is a paltry use of the only thing I really give a shit about in this shitty batch of US wrestling. Kidman is battling out with Lance Storm as the most pussy-assed offense in the WWE. Tajiri needs to go fullblown redneck and scrap the 1998 look and moveset and get on with a new level of ruling it.

 

- The Rock bumped all over the ring for Angle which was what they needed to do to make Angle str5onger going into the PPV. Not that I would ever order that piece of shit. Fine match. kudos to young Duane Johnson for bumping when he REALLY doesn't need to anymore.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

-That was the worst animotronic dummy in the world. Worse than Jar Jar Bings, Abe Lincoln at Disney World, the Pirates Of The Carribean, Brigette Nielsen... Was it really THAT much more expensive to get the real Eric Bischoff that they had to concoct this hideous puppet approximation.?

 

-The GM skits were stupid and moronic but I was intrigued by the possibility of Rico sucking a marionette's dick to get off Smackdown.

 

-The Undertaker yammering on and on about the main event of VENGENCE~! Makes me want more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more not want to ever see any part of the match. UT sucks on the stick like a

 

-The Rock was kinda amusing until he decides to SHOOT~! On Eric Bischoff! IT WAS A SHOOT ABOUT HIM RUNNING WCW OUT OF BIZNESS! IT WAS A SHOOT! SHOOT! THE SHOOTING! They are all SHOOTERS! Oh wait, no they aren't. This wrestling isn't a shoot, so what's the big fucking deal about everything else being a shoot.

 

- I never watched WWE until this Smackdown Workrate thingy started so I have no opinion of Stephanie McMahon. Is this supposed to be bad? Maybe with this negotiating between shows crap, they will finally bring Benoit over to a show that I watch with this angle so I'll have two things to give a shit about on this show. If so, godspeed stupid WWE. By any means necessary. The Superstars look baffled and that's DAMN GOOD EPISODIC TV! RIGHT!?!? A room of confused people is what we the veiwing audience want- right? FUCK YEAH! WE LOVE THAT SHIT! Their CONFUSED! It must be another SHOOT! Probably... either way, this was motherfucking endless and fucking sucked because it had nothing to do woith anybody beating the shit out of anyone else.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

Tajiri in full Redneck gear would be surreal.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Tajiri in full Redneck gear would be surreal.

It would be truly awesome. Hell, he was in ECW forever. He remembers how metalheads on South Street dress.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

** Either way, this was motherfucking endless and fucking sucked because it had nothing to do with anybody beating the shit out of anyone else. **

 

That should be the litmus test for any one of these dumb ass angles.

 

Vince: I know, we'll have general managers for both shows!

 

Stephanie: I should be one!

 

Eazy E: Me too!

 

DEAN~!: Excuse me, how does that translate into anyone beating the shit out of anyone else?

 

Vince: Uhm....

 

DEAN~!: Forget it! Bring on the man ass~!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

** Either way, this was motherfucking endless and fucking sucked because it had nothing to do with anybody beating the shit out of anyone else. **

 

That should be the litmus test for any one of these dumb ass angles.

 

Vince: I know, we'll have general managers for both shows!

 

Stephanie: I should be one!

 

Eazy E: Me too!

 

DEAN~!: Excuse me, how does that translate into anyone beating the shit out of anyone else?

 

Vince: Uhm....

 

DEAN~!: Forget it! Bring on the man ass~!

You also have to notice that the Hot Male Ass has been bringing it with the good Southern Old School tag matches two weeks in a row. Maybe they are onto something with this de-latentization.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

If you're tired of 98 crashing go to XP Home or buy a Mac.

[Guest Goodear]

You also have to notice that the Hot Male Ass has been bringing it with the good Southern Old School tag matches two weeks in a row. Maybe they are onto something with this de-latentization.

 

DEAN.

Oh, Hot Male Ass has been damn fine since the Al Snow-Maven feud and they added Rico to the squad. Yeah, the team started off a liitle rough, but since then, its been golden time for Chuck and Billy (who really is just made to be in tag teams, taking wild bumps and getting out of the ring in two minutes or less). All they need for me, is a double team finisher... just because I demand those from tag teams.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

So.. is Fit Finlay working on bringing back his mullet of doom?

 

ya know, the one he had around 1996.

 

If he only had his mullet.