WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/1/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

YEAAAAAAAAHHH DADDY!

 

Y'know. Let's get real here. Y'know, I've always loved the WWF more than the WCW or the NWA. Hogan was always better than Flair. He was taller, more built, more tanned. Vince was great how he broke up the monopoly of the territory system and made it a better world for all wrestlers. Competition is an all American business concept and a Wrestling Trust was counter of what made this country great! Yeah, I'm on the positive tip BECAUSE SMACKDOWN HAS BENOIT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SMOOCH MY SWEET TENDER POWDERED KEISTER, PHIL SCHNEIDER! AND EDDY TOO! FELL HUCKING YEAH! I love this show!

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Rey vs Tajiri is a good way to start off my new love for Smackdown. The downside is that the seem to have forgotten Noble and Nidia. It was perfectly fine wrestling- with the usual Rey spots- until they kinda go all Lucha, as one will remember that Tajiri in Big Japan was basically a luchadore even against Shootstyle guys like Minoru Tanaka in their big fued- having been weened on matches with Black Warrior, Dr Wagner, and of course, Fantastik. Rey eats the Ohtani slide like a champ before going to the Romero Special. For the finishing sequence, I like how they went straight into NJ Juniors 98 mode with the nearfalls- as the NJ Junior approximation but with luchadores made the lamented WCW Cruiserweight Division so cool when it worked. The Tajiri Powerbomb counter out of the Frankensteiner was completely balls out. Tajiri made the MOR-TAL~! Into A Dropkick look farking beautiful. The finish was beautiful, as Tajiri SUWAed the spin into the toprope Frankensteiner to make it look superbeautiful. This match was really cool. I dug Tajiri as World Class Rudo and Rey looks like he's got a couple bullets back in the chambers. The selling was pretty NJ Juniors in the overly quick comebacks, but they squeezed the upside of that style while taking in the downside. Fine fine batch of the Professional Wrestling.

 

- Kurt Angle talks on the microphone and says a bunch of jokes. This all works now because these same jokes will one day lead up to Kurt Angle getting in the ring and wrestling both Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrerro. That's gonna fucking rule. The crowd shouts "What?" because they can't quite understand why Kurt hasn't announced a match between he and the Canadian Crippler Chris Benoit. Or maybe tagging with Benoit and Eddy against- WAIT, KURT, EDDY, AND BENOIT against CHUCK, BILLY AND RICO! All of my dreams coould come true! MILLION BILLION STARS! Hogan comes out and I think about the possibility of Hogan and Edge having a wrestling match against CHRIS BENOIT AND EDDY GUERRERRO! THAT WOULD RULE! THIS FUCKING RULES! BENOIT IS ON SMACKDOWN! Hogan becomes animotronic to the Angle challenge to lose to Brock Lesnar. Stephanie comes out and talks about stuff trying to not give away the fact that Benoit and Guerrerro are standing in the back! The atmosphere is ELECTRIC! LOOK! Angle is bumping like a crazy man for Hogan because he knows that he will get to wrestle CHRIS BENOIT ON THE TV SOON! I hear ya, BROTHER!

 

- These commercials are superfine because they pay for the production costs of putting CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT on my GODDAMN TV SCREEN! I will GO GREYHOUND! I am thinking OUTSIDE THE BUN!

 

- Eric Bischoff ROCKS ON THIS SHOW because he didn't want to fight hard enough to sign EDDY AND BENOIT! The fact that he upsets Stephanie is why she fought so hard to get BENOIT AND EDDY! HELLLLLL YEAH! Godspeed, young RAW GM! ENJOY your Lance Storm vs Test- Evil Canadian vs Evil Canadian fued, young Schneider!

 

- Brock Lesnar kills Mark Henry quickly. I hate both of these guys so the fact that this is so short and squashy means MORE TIME FOR THE CANADIAN CRIPPLER CHRIS BENOIT AND EDDY LATINO HEAT GUERRERRO! C'mon Lesnar, go for the fastest pin record! Lesnar sells really well for a monster. That's a good sign. Lesnar actually made the usually pathetic Henry look good. Okay, I no longer hate Lesnar. I hate his finisher but I look forward to Brock Lesnar wrestling CHRIS BENOIT! ON MY TV!

 

- Billy and Chuck have a inner turmoil problem. Rico talks them into staying with me on the Smackdown wrestling program. Rico talks to John Cena. Cena recites bad dialogue but he is happy to possibly wrestle CHRIS BENOIT ON THE TV at some point in his young career. Meanwhile, Lesnar is playing both ends against the middle! BENOIT! BENOIT! BENOIT!

 

- Hogan vs Angle was fun old school wrestling. Hogan has been varying from his tired formula and going back to his AWA/ Memphis psychology roots as of late. Angle is Hogan's modern Ray Stevens, bumping like a complete maroon to get Hogan's power moves over with the crowd. The ten count in the turnbuckle was sooo MidSouth Auditoriun 1976. PINNACLE of the match is Angle borrowing Fit Finlay's apron elbow's across the throat, though he didn't crush Hogan's trachea like Fit would have. Hogan hits the VERTICAL SUPLEX and the Hogan Suplex Count is on. Angle throws bad punches. Hogan throws bad punches, but Angle cuts him off and hits a Side Suplex. Into a chinlock. This is Old School as a mother. This is actually just like Tully Blanchard vs Dusty Rhodes in that Angle is working his ass to set up the two or three nice spots that Hogan has. Hogan has really nice elbow drops to reinforce my Dusty vs Tully comparison. Hogan with the Flair shoulder up at the last second means Hogan is feeeling it in this. Hogan escapes the second ankle lock with the use of a ref bump. GOD, they musta found a tape of the Dusty vs Tully tapes- as the ref bump leads to Hogan hitting THE ONLY GOOD VAN DAMINATOR EVER! Lesnar comes out and Hogan rebuffs him as Angle hits him with the chair as the ref comes to to call for the DQ. Did they hire Dusty? Either way, this match was great. ANGLE is GOD. Postmatch, everybody gets their heat back.

 

- Rikishi wrestles D-Von. Rikishi throws nice punches. Bautista cheats and makes the Memphis-based psychology work. Rikishi is too big to make it look like D-von is any kind of threat, but the cheating puts the heat on Rikishi so he is the underdog to a much smaller wrestler. D-Von actually gets his head stuck up Rikishi's ass and I am filled with love. love for wrestling. love for you. a love so true. like a perfect love. like a man and a woman. like a true wrestling fan and his or her love for CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT. Rikishi wins by using the pungent inner sanctum of his gigantic sweet male ass to busticate the olefactory processes of - is he still a preacher? Postmatch, D-Von hits a flying headbutt on Rikishi in hopes that by using Benoit's finisher, he will infuriate the Canadian Wrestling Machine to the point that he will get to have a program with Benoit on my TV.

 

- AWESOME! Noble on the STICK! YEAH! FUCK NORTH CAROLINA! FUCK YEAH YOU ARE BETTER THAN THOSE LOW CLASS REDNECKS! Nidia is ROYALTY! FUCK YEAH! TELL EM NOBLE! YOU RULE! "I might as well be a Tarheel!" was the funniest line of the year. Noble is gonna fuck Cole's shit up for trying to snake up and put the blast on his woman and I am torqued. Tazz says the word "Mount" and Nidia takes a giant hit for the team, making Cole all squirtastic with her slathering earthy loving. JIGGITY TONGUE! OH FUCK, THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING GREAT. Jamie Noble and Benoit need to tag together. They are the greatest forces in the history of wrestling. Noble is REDNECK JESUS, MOTHERFUKKA! He is fucking great.

 

- Cena wrestles Rico. Rico is kinda like the new Jerry Flynn, offensively. Yes, he is. Nice missed moonsault. Cena wins in 3 minutes and we are closer to my dream- as Chuck and Billy hit a Doomsday Device and I'm assuming that they are still a tagteam and they are still on Smackdown. And they still sport those exquisite buttocks of devineness- crushing Cena's punkass skull like a hot sexy version of the Road Warriors.

 

- Bischoff sells the signing like a king. Benoit and Eddy come out and everything is right with the world. They drag off Bischoff and Benoit and Eddy look on like it's the opening shot to ECW matches when they were in the ECW- looking intense and focused a split moment be the hell breaks loose. But they go to commercial to rustle some sports entertainers to put in the ring with Eddy fucking Guerrerro and Chris Benoit. Edge comes out, completely torqued to wrestle his True North childhood hero- Chris Benoit. The Rock is also suitably psyched knowing that he and Benoit get to have a batch of good singles matches together. Eddy starts early by putting the boots to Rock- who fires back as Eddy makes him look really good before cutting him off. Benoit tags in and sells the Rocks beating like a KING. The Rock leans into a Vertical Suplex and we are looking at ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. Eddy is on fire as he and Benoit beat the shit out of Rock. Rock gets a comeback and Benoit cuts him off, rinse, repeat- until the hot tag where Edge covers for his shitty punches by knowing that Eddy and Benoit will eat the hardest Spear Into the Corner he can muster. The cheat to transition and Rock is being a great Robert Gibson even more than Hogan in this rotating face tagteam- getting the crowd worked up, distracting the ref, etc. Eddy is fucking great while mauling Edge- matching Benoit's usual intensity. Benoit tags in and hits the Backbreaker that movies should be made about. Benoit is punching Edge in the face, Edge makes a quick comeback and is CRUSHED by a Rolling German. Cole gets over the psychology of the match as Benoit continues to maul Edge's back. Eddy hits the PHAT ASS Brainbuster and makes with his own sweet punches. Edge has a final hope spot as he fights off the top turnbuckle and they go to a double crossbody. Rock is fucking KING-SIZED bumping off the apron to the rail as Benoit kills Edge's hope spot. By this point, the crowd is fucking molten and they pop like monkeys when Rock tags in. Rock gets a bit on fire before Benoit cuts him off. Rock gets back on offense when Rock gets distracted by Brock Lesnar on the ramp after Edge hits the Psicosis bump to the floor- wiping him out of the match. Benoit procures the Crossface and the Rock makes a fucking GREAT face of desperation and hopelessness before tapping. The Rock was GREAT in this. Edge was great in this. Benoit and Eddy were GREAT in this. This was fucking great.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- The show wasn't four hours long and didn't have a two hour retrospective on the careers of Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrerro. Maybe they can make RAW a Benoit and Guerrerro recap show. Hell, I'd get cable TV again.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

Dean, you're either drunk, or you're really really excited about Benoit and Guerrero

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean, you're either drunk, or you're really really excited about Benoit and Guerrero

I'm not drunk. IT'S CHRIS BENOIT. What else do you need to get excited? And Eddy Guerrerro. On Smackdown every week. It's the best wrestling news of the year.

 

DEAN.

[Guest razazteca]

either that or he is very sarcastic

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Wait a second!

 

I think DEAN is trying to tell us something...

 

What is it DEAN?

 

Benoit....and....Guerrero....are on Smackdown???

 

HEY! Jerry Flynn reference! I just watched Jerry Flynn get his ass kicked by this big fat black guy with 'budokan' written on the front of his shorts in a really lame UFC-rip-off World Combat Championship! That was a beautiful mullet... Benoit needs his back.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

either that or he is very sarcastic

Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrerro are my two favorite all time wrestlers. I saw them both at the ECW 3 Way Dance in April 1995 and have been a complete slathering fanboy ever since. I am LEGITIMATELY TORQUED BEYOND RECOGNITION.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Heh heh. Happy Dean is a happy board.

 

I *will* be taping Smackdown weekly now, though, just to see Eddie and Benoit.

[Guest HungryJack]

So Dean ,does this mean Schneider and tomk will post their respective workrate reports , here at this, the most Smart Mark-ish of boards?

[Guest Your Olympic Hero]

hes just happy bc he doesnt have cable. when benoit & Guerrero were on raw, he never got to see them. now he gets to see them every week on SD! get it?

[Guest Kojack]

I was in that postion a couple of years ago. I had to rely on LIve wire to get my Raw info

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So Dean ,does this mean Schneider and tomk will post their respective workrate reports , here at this, the most Smart Mark-ish of boards?

Schneider and TomK have some kind of intractable philosophical disagreement about Scott Kieth's veiws on Stan Hansen and Shinya Hashimoto and refuse to visit this site. I wish I were making that up.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was in that postion a couple of years ago. I had to rely on LIve wire to get my Raw info

Being cableless, I was lying to myself about Benoit and Guerrerro. I would hear about these great matches with Austin on RAW and I would say, "Oh that's just WWF rubes. it's probably not REALLY a great Benoit match." Then he got hurt.

 

THE LIES ARE OVER! BENOIT IS ON MY TV AND EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

 

DEAN.

[Guest TheDames7]

Schneider and TomK have some kind of intractable philosophical disagreement about Scott Kieth's veiws on Stan Hansen and Shinya Hashimoto and refuse to visit this site. I wish I were making that up.

 

DEAN.

Then maybe you should tell them that Scott Keith isn't associated with the site anymore. And thats a SHOOT~!

 

Dames

[Guest Shaved Bear]

whats a Benoit?