Ok that's it...

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

What is a resistol hat? JR keeps talking about it, and I feel inferior for not knowing. Please, someone help me out here!

[Guest Sakura]

I looked it up in the dictionary and came up with nothing.

 

Then I looked it up with Google and it seems to be a brand name of hats.

[Guest Ph34r Tha Leaf]

He's probably just mumbling crap again. Ignore JR with the rest of us...

[Guest midnight_burn]

I guess it's his type of hat.

 

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

Thanks for clearing that up. Now why does he always say 200X before? I would also like to know what "Boomer sooner" means. Why does this guy use all these obscure references on a site that's meant to be for 12 year olds? And last of all, why don't they let Michael Cole do his own "Cole Report"?

[Guest Army Eye]

I guess 200X is the hat size. I didn't realize there were THAT many sizes! His head is pretty big and fat though.

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

I guess 200X is the hat size. I didn't realize there were THAT many sizes! His head is pretty big and fat though.

I feel sorry for JR, it's so obvious he's only saying all this stuff, and acting like a redneck because Vince is telling him to. I despise the "Good Ol JR" charachter, but JR seems to play it so well. I wonder if JR talking about "Hosses" and stuff is just to entertain Vince.

[Guest Ph34r Tha Leaf]

Making fun of JR = not cool.

Making fun of Cole on the other hand...

[Guest Sakura]

I know Boomer Sooner is like the cheer for his lame football team.

[Guest Ph34r Tha Leaf]

At first JR didn't want to even wear the hat but now he says he has gotten into it.

 

Soon enough he'll be like Dusty and nobody will know what the hell he's talking about much less the words coming out of his mouth.

[Guest The Superstar]

The Cole report would be the best thing to ever happen to wwe.com

[Guest Ph34r Tha Leaf]

You've heard him on SD, right?

 

...or are you joking?

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

We desperatley need the Cole report at this point, since I've heard Tommy Fierro has stopped writing.

[Guest mach7]

You've heard him on SD, right?

 

...or are you joking?

Uh, he probably wouldn't be calling matches in his report.

 

But in the same vein, have you heard JR's commentary? I don't know why everyone blows smoke up his ass. He sucks! Half the time he doesn't even pay attention to who's in the ring.

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

I know, people here are always ripping Cole for being a bad commentator, but at least Cole doesn't make ridiculous mistakes like confusing Jericho and Benoit.

[Guest mach7]

I know, people here are always ripping Cole for being a bad commentator, but at least Cole doesn't make ridiculous mistakes like confusing Jericho and Benoit.

I remember when JR used to be called the greatest play-by-play man around. HE even called himself that. Now, when was the last time he called actual MOVES, let alone for a WHOLE MATCH? Fuck, he doesn't even put over wrestlers' finishers any more - well unless they're in the main event..

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

He always puts over The Clothesline from bah god darkest Hell. What is his obsession with Molly though? He always makes me want to change the channel when one of her matches is on.

[Guest El Psycho Diablo]

Ross is..the source of all evil. He is Satan. Not Vince.

 

Now with that out of the way: His commentary sucks, he's too hoss-centric, and he keeps people that suck, and releases ones with talent.

[Guest deadbeater]

What happened with Molly was that some writers thought it was a great idea to make fun of Molly by calling her a "fat ass", even though it is not true. Lawler who is supposed to be the heel announcer, spazzes out whenever he sees Trish Stratus, and thus doesn't defend Molly's honor liek he was supposed to. JR being the face announcer was supposed to be the one making fun of monster heel Molly, but Lawler took his lines. JR, after the Jackie-Trish disaster, won't go for the teasing Molly anymore. Then all the other announcers took Lawler's lead and make fun of Molly non-existent big BUTT. As a result, any hope of the angle being anything interesting became a total clusterfuck and turn off instead, making it one of the worst angles ever.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

JR has become totally unmotivated...Been that way for a while now. You can hear the King try to get JR into the match by pointing out shit other than tna. Which really validates Lawler in my mind, but that doesn't mean I want him on my TV. Ross has been reduced to cliches bah gawd dammit sloberknocker boomer sooner hoss.

 

So how would a Cole Report go?

 

"Greetings from under the desk of Vince Mcmahon, it's been a long afternoon and no pun intended, HAHAHA!

 

How about that Terrific Test, he sure has improved in my eyes. Damn that Lance Storm and Christian for holding him down, DAMN IT! Those Sadistic Canadians.

 

I see a big future for the cruiserweight division. That Japanese Buzzsaw Tajiri sure has impressed me over the passing weeks. Billy Kidman could lose a few pounds in my view.."

[Guest BionicRedneck]

The Cole Report:

 

Dammit this big Teflon Test thinks he can do what ever he wants because he has immunity!!!

 

From where I sit Hardcore Holly is probably the toughest man in WWE

 

That Rookie John Cena is showing a lot of potential, for a rookie. He is a good Rookie, always remember, he is just a Rookie.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

P.S. This Rookie Kid is something else for a Rookie Kid god dammit.

 

Sorry, I have a problem with Cole calling a wrestler a 'kid', like he is some sort of accomplished vetern who is in a position to comment.

[Guest Slapnuts00]

The Cole Report:

 

-Welcome to the COLE REPORT! We have a HUGE report today so let's get right to it!

 

-First of all, what's up with Nidia and her BOYfriend JAIMIE knoble? I mean these 2 live in a trailor! And how sick was it that Nidia, could HEINOUSLY attack an innocent announcer like myself. This aint ballet.

 

-I'm so impressed with Tazz's color commentarry because, well, he's a STREET thug! Yet, he handles announcing like a natural! I know my kids love to play with "Unlce Tazz".

 

-What is up with Test? He was upset about being given a stinkface (stupid chuckle) but Rikishi's just havin' a little fun! That's what WWE is all about! Having fun!

 

-My opinion on Chris Jericho jumping to RAW, well he's a DAMN egomaniac! He's full of himself! He actually thinks he's (stupid chuckle) a living legend!

 

-The NEW WWE champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin, will be on the Home Shopping Network, right after Wrestlemania!

 

-How impressive is the impressive LUCHador, Rey Mysterio? He does a move called the Dorito!

 

-It's so good to see Edge back in action. He was taken out by a SICKENING shot from a steel chair, by that DAMN egomaniac Chris Jericho, on the STEEL steps no less, which way in excess of well over 500 pounds!

 

-I'm just thinking how dangerous is the hell in the cell? You could get your finger caught in one of the holes!

 

-I just want to end by saying (stupid chuckle) what an excellent job new Smackdown GM Stephanie Mcmahon has done. Just like her song says, she's ALL GROWN up now!

 

-That's it for this week from under the pasty yellow bleach. Until next time, I'm Michael Cole saying...GOODNIGHT!

[Guest BionicRedneck]

Cole is quite possibly the worst regular play-by-play guy the WWF(E) has ever had.

 

At least JR was a great commentator before he went senile.

 

Cole is not only awful at calling moves (action of any kind actually) but he attempts to copy JR with his "They could be broken in half" etc. bullshit. Not only that but he inspires clones of Cole such as the abomination that is Mark Lloyd.

 

Sad thing is "good old MC" will probly be around for ages, unless he goes the way of Todd Pettingill, and disappears (we can hope)

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

What is a resistol hat? JR keeps talking about it, and I feel inferior for not knowing. Please, someone help me out here!

Sound it out.

 

"Resistol" = "resist all", as in resist rain/moisture

 

Now whether Resistol is the company name or just the type of hat, I don't know. But that's probably why they used the name.

[Guest mister foozel]

I guess 200X is the hat size. I didn't realize there were THAT many sizes! His head is pretty big and fat though.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Sorry to not contribute anything, but even as a Michael Cole fan, I'm loving these parody "Cole Reports"...

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

You're a Cole fan Evenflow? They're all coming out now.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Is it just me or does it seem like JR lost his passion when STONE COLD! STONE COLD! took off? That's when I think his announcing started REALLY going downhill, and he seemed unmotivated.

[Guest The Ruthless Aggressor]

Cole report:

 

-Greetings from under the overly-large headset! I am your host Michael Cole!

 

-First things first, did anyone see this week's Smackdown? It was much better than Raw this week. Smackdown rocks! Where else can you see cruisers, myself, and Tazz?

 

-In my opinion Raw was less than stellar this week. Steph said it sucked, and Steph is a really great person, she is making Smackdown the WWE's #1 program!

 

-Scotty is healing well from his injuries. We are hoping to give him a lot of air time when he returns, possibilites include the reformation of the the Zoo Crew!

 

-I suggest you pick up a copy of Smackdown JBI for PS2! Featuring my handsome self, and Tazz calling all the action!

 

- Billy Kidman, in his spare time, enjoys listening to Rock music, and skiing.

 

- I am still fuming over the heinous assault on Hulk Hogan last week! Brock Lesnar had no business F5ing him.

 

- I am really enjoying these crusierweights, their moves are so exciting, that I can only say "WOW!" as I see them.

 

- I have seen less than positive reviews of Edge's recent ringowrk. C'mon! This guy just wants to have fun!

 

- Haku and Albert will be signing autographs before Smackdown next week! Be there!

 

- Does WWE.com suck or what? I mean why do you have to click for the next page when the whole report could be on 1!

 

- I apologise for that last one, the WWE.com staff say that it just helps make their site unique.

 

- Did anyone see Hulk Hogan and Undertaker in that Twisted Maze of Steel last week? A match of the year in my opinion.

 

-Mark Henry is the world's strongest man!

 

- Did anyone see RED DEVIL BIG EVIL on Raw last week? Wait... I don't watch Raw, it sucks, sorry.

 

- I hate this Kurt Angle. He's bald! A joke!

 

- Did anyone see that Chris Jericho last week? That heinous human being, what was he doing on Raw? my guess is that he left because he's so scared of Edge! Did you see the way he ran from him? He's a wuss!

 

- I enjoy The Rock, despite the fact that he humiliates me every week.

 

- Hulk Hogan is the future of the WWE

 

- Did I mention how great Test is? I even watched the start fo this week's Raw to see the Un-American's hired gun in action!

 

-Well, that raps up The Cole report this week! See you for Smackdown on Thursday! Same Cole time, same Cole place, same Cole channel! UPN Thursday!