The Great Hierarchy of Absolute Power II

[Guest Asplagis]

The Earthly Realm

 

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In the 80's, a powerful figure terrorized the rings in the United States. His name was Bruiser Brody and he was involved in one of the more secretive factions seeking to overthrow the slightly evil rule of The Gagne Family. However, never one to follow orders, the free spirited Brody (and his eternal ally Stan Hansen) took over the faction in hopes of achieving greater success...

 

With such a formidable duo at the helm, things started to change and with the emergence of the McMahon corporation it was only a matter of time before Verne and Greg Gagne would fall into the deepest pits of Hell. There they would be left to forever rot in the domain of Antichristo... not to mention probably receive severe "punishment" from the "Hell Bent for Leather" Big Nosed Goblin (did we mention the Big Nosed Goblin likes anal sex?)

 

The Gagne Family had a chickenwing sleeper on the Earthly Realm and weren't about to leave without a fight! Sadly for them, the Orange Goblin had already sabotaged their plans (that's what Hell Goblins do after all) by having many of their greatest soldiers leave for the promised land of the McMahon corporation.

 

Hansen and Brody dealt a crushing blow to the rulers of the Earthly realm and, for a time, had taken the mantle of Rulers of the Fuckin' World - but the celebrations would not last for waiting in the shadows was a dangerous and obscure man known only as T.A.

 

T.A. surprised the world by showing off his massive biceps and awe inspiring Inverted Reverse Bearhug of Absolute Terror! "Such a being could not be a mere mortal !" thought many at the sight of the modern day Hercules and they also thought the same thing about T.A. - better yet, he didn't even need to swing a chain to look impressive!

 

Aided by the aforementioned Hercules and a host of other musclebound beasts, T.A. crushed all opposition on his way to claiming the title of Ruler of the Fuckin' World from the dynamic duo of Hansen and Brody. Hansen consoled himself by doing some of Gagne daughters in a rude place while Brody fled to Puerto Rico only to meet the Grim Reaper...

 

Of course, Mark "The Undertaker" Calloway was merely a gren rookie and posed no threat to the mighty Brody at the time of their fateful meeting. Why a southern boy would be hanging around Puerto Rico is still a mystery, but seeing as this is Novaverse, expect the impossible for such is the power of Nova!

 

While the former Ruler licked his wounds in Puerto Rico, Carlos Colon, secret agent of a budging power monger's right hand man, took it upon himself to finish him off in a series of bloody barbed wire matches. Sadly, he would never get the chance since Brody was done in by the bad food and filthy women. His ravenous appetite for female and animal flesh had taken down the monster... or did it? Some say a woman with a purple scarf was seen leaving a cheap brothel Brody used to frequent... She used the pseudonym "Gina Corvette" and was apparently in his room the night before his untimely death...

 

In the meantime, T.A. revealed his true identity to the world : Ted F'N Arcidi.

 

Once a mild mannered power lifter, he had grown ambitious and knew that he and his steroid pumping men could overthrow the stiff duo with their hormone enchanced muscles and poor workrate (not to mention their bearhugs of Almost Extreme Agony)

 

Yet, the reign of Arcidi would not last as an emerging power from the land of the rising sun made his return to the United States with high expectations...

 

Not only had he dug up the corpse of Rikidozan, but also he harnessed the immense latent power of one Shiro Koshinaka's Ass to take over Arcidi's Japanese base of operation and would soon come after the headquarters of Arcidi's Power Corporation in the U.S. This man's name strikes fear in the hearts of every Yakuza in Japan - ATSUSHI OHNITA~~~!

 

Even the mighty Ted Arcidi could not hope to rival the wily tactics of the Japanese megalomaniac. So long as he had the power of two of the Holy Entities of Ultimate Glory, Ohnita would remain undefeatable.

 

His crazed henchmen Pogo and Goto quickly gathered their troops and invaded the United States in a secret war waged underground, inspiring many to join them and others to oppose their dreams of an iron fisted rule.

 

No one knows for sure, but it is said that Arcidi is still alive today, having found the third Holy Entity of Ultimate Glory in Mexico... El Santo's real Mask is conspicuously missing in action and the Zappatists are worried that perhaps some gringos have masknapped their great leader in hopes of using his Great Lucha Powers to awaken the God-Beast Juventud from his acid fueled dream state...

 

Only one man is demented enough to try this sort of power play, only one man has the motivation to try one last desperate attempt at taking over what was once his...

 

Stan Hansen, for his part, was busy humping a young Chris Jericho whom he thought was a long lost Gagne daughter... Hilarity ensued all over Canada...

 

These days, Ohnita Rules the Fuckin' World and he's grown wary of hiding in the shadows... Slowly, he's taking a more active role in ruling Japan - a first step in his mad plans to challenge the Gods themselves!

 

You see, Ohnita was never happy with his lot in life and the day he found Shiro's Ass soaking in a hot spring he knew he too could be Ruler of the Fuckin' World. He convinced Koshinaka's Ass that Americans prefered Miss Elizabeth's ass to it, enraging the short tempered posterior. Vanity most cruel...

 

Digging up Rikidozan's corpse wasn't too hard either... it is a corpse after all! He just had Goto prancing around in a drunken stupor while he and Pogo tied up the guards with barbed wire... FLAMING EXPLODING barbed wire mind you...

 

His evil NISE squad had already caused much mayhem in the streets of Tokyo, Nagasaki, Sapporo and even the old capitals of Kyoto and Nara were not spared of their attrocious acts! Playing bad versions of already old and tired songs; stinking up the rings with poor workrate; antagonizing poor school children and looking up sailor fuku wearing Japanese schoolgirl's skirts - such is the all consuming evil of the NISE squad !

 

However, in America, the Orange Goblin had been a factor in keeping the past Rulers of the Fuckin' World in check lest they become a threat to Antichristo's role as SUPREME PURE SHINING EVIL~. For Japan, it was the Yellow Goblin's job to ensure the hegemony of Antichristo's evil. So began a long rivalry between the Goblin and the Ruler...

 

Over time, the great Demon Spawn (MOKUJIN KEN~~~) joined in on the fun and has already claimed the life of one of Ohnita's most trusted allies, Evil Ways Jumbo Tsuruta (the dark side of Tsuruta which Ohnita befriended) The magical cardboard creation was too powerful and no matter how many stiff backdrops he performed, the Tree-man would persist in its attempts at poisoning the evil warrior.

 

As for the roles of Funk, Nakamaki, the guy who threw logs on the fire in the bath house match and Super Dave's Dummy... well, these are the main agents of Pogo and Goto and are currently battling the forces of the Goblins and the Demon Spawn while causing more chaos.

 

Nise (fake) Squad :

Nise Ohnita - The Ultimate Nise!

Nise Poison Sawada - The Useless Nise from the 9th level of Indie hell!

Nise Magnum Tokyo - The Gimmickless Nise, King of Zipang!

Nise Yaguchi - The Evil Christian Nise!

Nise Kaijo - The Unknown Nise!

 

The Panda Guy and his bitch are undercover agents in China...

 

Now then...

 

Lastly, at some point in the 90's, Ohnita, in need of a bodyguard, enlisted the aid of one Ray Traylor. Traylor was a double tough freelancer and world traveller who also happened to ply his trade in the ring. Much like Brody, Ohnita knew he needed someone who could kick people's asses up and down (and sideways too), someone like Hansen but with a more controlled libido and better eyesight so as to not confuse the fey looking Chris Jericho with a Gagne daughter. That's when he saw our jovial former prison guard stiffing the hell out of the stiffest bunch of stiff wrestlers who ever stiffed a guy in a stiff match. He'd send the Road Warriors crying to Verne Gagne faster than Hennig and Murdoch, but looked better in a suit than either of them. Not only could he punch out 1 out of 2 All Japan wrestlers and keep the powerful (non Antichristo allied) Green Goblin at bay, but he could also look spiffy in riot gear and had a better moveset than the Rock.

 

The deal was settled and for a handsome sum of money, Ray Traylor, aka Big Bubba, became Ohnita's enforcer. While his services aren't required as often as they used to be, Traylor has been known to do some intelligence work here and there in the name of Ohnita and often goes on wild adventures with his sidekicks Disco Inferno and "Lightning Foot" Jerry Flynn. Many of his tales have been recorded by a little known travelling bard who hopes to one day publish the incredible Chronicles of the Big Bossman and friends.