SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/8/2002

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I`ve been drunker than this. I don`t remember when, but that`s the beauty of getting motherfucking stinking drunk. You get home after celebrating [mul]DOOMSTONE turning 29 by going out and get fucked allll the way up and you come home to an empty house because the only woman you could ever love is with your beautiful children at your mother`s house, so you are out getting all kinds of fucked up with Steve and Ryan at the corner bar after drinking all the Josef Hoffbauer that you can buy for $4.99 a 12. Then you get home and you play HAIR OF THE DOG by Nazareth four times in succession because it motherfucking rules and reminds you of the times you were fucking and fighting and being all the way motherfucking king-sized in your life and you are happy to be too old and too drunk. Me -n- Steve watched the first hour of Smackdown before the drinking of the evening began- a show that has just fucking ruled the goddam world the last couple of Benoit-drenched weeks and tonite is no different. Ryan calls and says he`s in for a nite of drunken drunkeness. Narareth sez: hot momma- velvet charmer- time for you to pay your dues. And then it goes for that sweetest bending of the fifth string you could ever think of and if anybody wants to argue, I`ve got big ole dick 4 U 2 suck til it`s red -n- raw and you wanna fuck and fight and celebrate being a motherfucking American TODAY loving every minute of being alive. Either way, here we go.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- I`m drunk enough to admit that I was gay if I actually were and I can honestly say I am not. But if I was EVER going to blow a load over a guy thing, it would be over the prospect of Benoit and Angle battling it out for King of Submission. FUCK THE POLICE, Kurt Angle is a motherfucking Wrestling GOD. You should sit there and watch him carry Green as Grass John Cena to the first match of the night. When you hear internet midnight choking dipshits talking about carrying folks to a good match, what you need to do is watch Kurt Angle carry Cena to the first match of Smackdown. That was Flair like a motherfucker. Fuck on a Crutch, Smackdown lets me contemplate if Angle is actlually better than Benoit. Do you understand how great of a question that is for a TRUE WRESTLING FAN LIKE MYSELF/YOURSELF TO ASK? Goddam, think about it. They can`t ask that kind of question in Japan unless Lyger is having a particularly great year. The ending sets up the BENOIT/EDDY/ANGLE match and what the fuck else could YOU the REAL WRESTLING FAN ask for? I can`t think of anything. And you KNOW what a dick I am. Jesus, this rules. Benoit is GOD. Eddy is GOD. Angle is GOD.

 

- Bautista leans into the Superkick like a MAN and Rikishi works his big fucking big fat ole ass off to make this work despite the HIDEOUS punches of the otherwise perfectly fine Bautista. Rikishi is king-sized in this, making Bautista`s offense look hurty and shit- especially by selling the clothesline like a true king.

 

- Noble sez: ``Git her, Nidia! Git her.`` I am spent with wrestling love.

 

- Hey! It`s Shannon Moore and Shane Helms! Go read the road reports of when I would drive 8 hours oto see them in North Carolina with the Hardy boys in OMEGA back inna day. Imnagine my delight now. Anyway, fuck the bullshit, Billy is a really good heel now. And I`m not even talking about his sweet sweet male ass at this juncture. You know who is fucking GREAT? Chuck. Look at his selling to make a man ONE HUNDRED POUNDS lighter than he look fucking great. This match was fucking great. Hurricane makes Billy`s punches look fucking great. Shannon is the best Robert Gibson of the week. Fabulous match. Add that to the Rico bump, the Helms tope and the beautifuol finish and all i gots to say is wotta beautiful wad of the Professional Wrestling.

 

- Edge and Cena and Misterio against Benoit and Eddy and Angle is soooooooooooooo fucking great. Do you realize how rewarding it is to have to think to yourself- WHO IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD- EDDY, BENOIT OR ANGLE? That is what your television wrestling should have going for it. That`s what this match has going for it. Benoit is SOOOOO GOD FUCKING GOD GOD in this. When he crushes Misterio with an axe-handle, I hope that a part of you is SPENT. When Eddy RUDOS like an absolute motherfucker for Rey and Cena, I hope you realize that nobody else on EARTH- EARTH- Earth being Mexico/Japan/Puerto Rico- is as good as the absolute motherfucker that is the motherfucking GREAT Eddy Guerrerro. Cena has to get mad phat props for being able to sell years beyond his actual experience as he is a great Ricky Morton in this. The finish and the overall work of Angle makes me think of him as a top worker in the world. Eddy`s Brainbuster is superfabulous. This whole match was textbook classic. That`s how you get the youngsters over. Beautiful.

 

- Nidia and Noble are the only people on earth who can make a mixed tagteam work. Torrie and Kidman are kinda thrown together. Nidia and Noble actually work together like good Southern folk would together and THUS only add to their awesomeness. YEAH! KICK EM IN THE HEAD WHEN THE YANKEE MOTHERFUCKER WANTS TO SPANK HER HER DIVINE SOUTHERN ASS! Nidia cheats to win and that`s the way it would be on the street, motherfucker! Fuck yeah.

 

- Hogan vs Lesnar was sooooooooo Memphis in it`s gigantic psychology that I had to love it. Lesnar sells Hogan`s astoundingly shitty punches like a KING. Lesnar further makes me adore him by completely bumping like a possessed freak for Hogan. Lesnar is fun with the glee in which he crushes Hogan`s groin. They edit the fuck out of Lesnar`s Brian Lee-esque elbow drops. Hogan`s comeback is implausible but the Lesnar cutoff with the Powerbomb was kingsized. The ending was as contrived as it needed to be I guessp- but I liked how they got to the finish with all the counters to the tried and true spots and how Hogan put over the youngster. Smackdown rules it.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- The opening has a big Ode To Hulk Hogan. C`mon, he sucked dick compared to Ric Flair in the 80s. Ric showed you how to keep your bitches in line and be a semen-filled man of the day. Hogan showed you how oil up for your boyfriend. There is no way you can make Hogan cool in comparison. Hogan sucked. Flair was an actual role-model.

 

- Mark Henry I can`t love. D-Von is really good. We gotta fill out the bottom here even though this was perfectly fine wrestling.

 

- Stacy and Dawn Marie have an episode of BIG TITTY THEATRE and you fell asleep even faster than I did. If they ain`t showing avioli, you couldn`t give a shit either, right?

 

- Rey should have forfeited the match. The fucking pussy. WHAT ABOUT THE TRUTH? Fucking pussy...

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest LJSexay]

w00t. you never fail to amuse, even if dead drunk.

[Guest RickyChosyu]

You know, Hogan matches definately are a helluva lot more fun to watch while being drunk off your ass. Not that I speak from experience, or anything...

[Guest chirs3]

Any review that begins with the line "I've been drunker than this" gets a ***** rating from me.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

I hope you realize that nobody else on EARTH- EARTH- Earth being Mexico/Japan/Puerto Rico- is as good as the absolute motherfucker that is the motherfucking GREAT Eddy Guerrerro.

 

Here here.

 

And...best sentence ever.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Benoit is SOOOOO GOD FUCKING GOD GOD in this.

 

Sorry, this is.

[Guest Kid Kablam]

Well our enebriated host brings up an interesting point, who is greater right now, Benoit or Angle? MO Benoit is the better pure worker while Angle is the better all arounder. Although I liked the part where Benoit was giving Cena a nice little toungue lashing.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Any review that begins with the line "I've been drunker than this" gets a ***** rating from me.

I now give this hang-over my highest 8 star rating.

 

DEAN.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

I guess the hangover gave Dean a swank stiff headache

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I guess the hangover gave Dean a swank stiff headache

It's more of an Old School slow build.

 

DEAN.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

eh... go figure.. it sorta lays in like wine, it gets better with age.

 

Or something.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Well our enebriated host brings up an interesting point, who is greater right now, Benoit or Angle? MO Benoit is the better pure worker while Angle is the better all arounder. Although I liked the part where Benoit was giving Cena a nice little toungue lashing.

God knows I go to the Church Of Benoit but I'm thinking Angle is edging him out at this point. Of course, Benoit still has ringrust so I look forward to next week.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Incandenza]

Benoit is SOOOOO GOD FUCKING GOD GOD in this.

 

I love this line; it has a David Foster Wallace-ian, postmodern flair about it.

[Guest LesnarLunatic]

Angle could beat Benoit in a shoot wrestling match.

 

Benoit is better in the ring to some.

 

Angle has more charisma.

 

Benoit and Angle for tag champions

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

DEAN, you can't possibly like Angles 'Camera 1, Camera 2, Camera 1' punches?

[Guest The Mountie]

Are they gonna do Angle vs Rey at SummerSlam d'ya think?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, you can't possibly like Angles 'Camera 1, Camera 2, Camera 1' punches?

They're not the best in the world.

 

DEAN

[Guest Nater]

*****