The Ross Report

[Guest Sandman9000]

Flame me afterwards, because I suck. All comments are what JR really means.

 

Greetings from under the 200X Black Resistol Hat from the Sunshine State of Florida. I am on what our President calls a “working vacation,” writing a few stories for our new cookbook due out in May of 2003.

 

I know no one cared about our last cookbook, but I like food, so we are making another one.

 

The WWE Superstars and staff made it to Melbourne, Australia safely, and the Fan Frenzy activities are heavily attended and running smoothly. This is a very good group of travelers who, I am sure, will represent WWE very well during their stay in the Land Down Under. Many Superstars will be involved in numerous TV, radio and personal appearances during the four-day stay. Hollywood Hulk Hogan was originally advertised to make this trip, but a lower back injury would not allow him to make the extremely long flight to Australia. Hogan, who turns 49 this weekend, has been working through a painful back condition the past several weeks and it appears the wear and tear over many years in the ring is starting to catch up to The Hulkster. He will be examined soon to determine the extent of his injury. Hogan has had difficulty the past several weeks simply bending over to lace his boots. Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman have been added to this event to replace Hogan as best they can, and the live event lineup that has been finalized looks very strong on paper. With the inclusion of Raw talents Triple H, Chris Jericho, Lance Storm, Christian and Test to this SmackDown! event, the night should be most interesting. Our track record over the past several years at live events for the advertised talent to appear as scheduled is very good and it is certainly unfortunate that Hollywood Hulk Hogan will be unable to travel and perform in Melbourne. However, our fans attending will still see an awesome live event despite Hogan’s absence. I know Hulk was looking forward to this event.

 

We've taken away the people you wanted to see, and now have the people we want you to see. After all, it isn't every day you get to see HHH hold down an entire continent.

 

Valbowski and Maven are both on this trip but will not see any significant in-ring duty due to injuries. Val was hurt over the weekend in a weightlifting accident where a piece of equipment fell on his head, which required approximately 20 stitches, and hurt his neck. Maven’s broken leg is not healing as well as expected, and his ankle is still significantly swollen, which is problematic. Some talents would have opted to not make this long plane trip with similar aches and pains, and Val and Maven are to be commended for their professionalism and willingness to fulfill their commitments.

 

If they didn't go, they would have been fired.

 

The main event for Melbourne will be a Triple Threat match for the WWE Undisputed Championship pitting The Rock vs. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. Another outstanding contest will feature Edge vs. Jericho. The Un-Americans will defend the tag titles, and Hurricane Helms challenges Jamie Noble for the Cruiserweight Championship. Nine matches total make up this SmackDown!/Raw live event.

 

Yet, the entire show will only feature 30 minutes of wrestling.

 

Saturday’s main event will be the first for Triple H since undergoing elbow surgery several weeks ago.

 

Don't expect to see main events like Vengeance's anymore.

 

With The Rock’s movie schedule as it is and Hogan’s back problems, the competition for the coveted “top spots,” especially on the SmackDown! roster, seem to really be wide open, which should result in some new talents being provided with excellent opportunities to move up. This process seems to have already started.

 

I hoped you liked RAW, because we did, and the shows are going to be like that every week from now on.

 

It was great seeing Kane this week, and he looks to be very well-rested and in great shape following his bicep injury. The young monster’s return is much-anticipated, but the question is, will he be appearing on Raw or SmackDown!?

 

He's a hoss, and therefore, he must be pushed.

 

Bull Buchanan has looked good in recent matches and may be closer to being utilized on SmackDown! much sooner than later. Buchanan, a native Georgian, is 6-feet-6 and 260 pounds. And moves like a cat. He is at his best when he stays very aggressive and takes advantage of his athleticism, which he was done in recent weeks. Bull is a high-character talent who has certainly paid his “dues” and deserves a chance to hunt with the big dogs.

 

I like hosses, and will only push hosses. Besides, I personally gave the order to fire Mike Sanders.

 

Ric Flair will lead the Florida Gators on the field when they play their in-state rival Miami Hurricanes, The Rock’s alma mater, in September in Gainesville. The Nature Boy grew up in Minnesota, has lived in North Carolina for years, but roots for Florida during the college football season. Go figure.

 

I also like college foosball, goddammit!

 

I would love to see a best-of-seven series between RVD and Y2J. They have great chemistry from where I sit.

 

They are never going to wrestle each other again.

 

Y2J’s band Fozzy will play at The World on Friday night, August 23 in Times Square in New York City. Tickets are available now for the high-energy concert.

 

It is going to be the closest Chris Jericho comes to headlining anything in a long while.

 

I’m liking the Rock-Lesnar training videos we have been seeing on TV. Great stuff. The Rock is scheduled to be in Seattle both Monday for Raw, which is sold out, and Tuesday for the SmackDown! taping.

 

Mmmmm, hosses.

 

I’m as anxious as any fan to see what Shawn Michaels has left in his tank for his scheduled “fight” with Triple H at SummerSlam. I do not think anyone will be disappointed. Great in-ring performers tell a story with their physical actions and the emotions they create by what we see, and HBK and Triple H are two of the best ring technicians in recent memory.

 

The match is going to get thirty minutes, whether you like it or not.

 

If villains want to be jeered, then why do they break the majority of the rules directly in front of the referee? The antagonist masters that stand out in my mind were the rugged sons of guns who were expert in rulebreaking that was more often than not concealed from the referee. Defiance or cheating in front of the official is a great way to be “cool” or cheered in today’s marketplace, unless I’m having another “senior moment.”

 

We are still trying to bury Stone Cold.

 

Someone suggested to me that our own broadcasting colleague, The Coach, would be a great “Carlton” if the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” ever begins producing again. That might work, but for goodness sakes, keep the Kansas farmer away from the cows!

 

Like hell we are going to push a minority in the WWE.

 

Tommy Dreamer seems to have found a home in the Hardcore Division on Raw. Dreamer is a very hard-working talent who flew to L.A. this week to visit the set of Tough Enough 3. ECW alumni seem to do “extremely” well in hardcore matches.

 

We only allow ECW alumn to wrestle in the Hardcore division. (personal comment: Since Tommy can't wrestle an enteraining match without weapons, I'll let this one slide. Hey, I'm as big an ECW as anyone, but you know that is true.)

 

I’m thinking Anna Nicole Smith and TE3’s John “Big” Gaburick would make a cozy couple. Eating out would be an adventure.

 

We've already filmed the segment, and it is getting 20 minutes on RAW.

 

WWE officials were pleased with Victoria’s performance on Raw this week. She still needs plenty of ring time, but has certainly earned the shot.

 

She's got big knockers, so she's getting pushed.

 

I’m not overly enamored with the names Jamal and Rosie, but I’m anxious to see the two big newcomers in a tag match on Raw.

 

Why do we call a 300 pound Samoan Rosie?

 

Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff seems to be settling in well at our TV events. He has done a very solid job since debuting a few weeks ago. Who would have thunk it? Bischoff will be a part of the SmackDown! live event in Dallas on September 1.

 

I hate that motherfucker. I hate him, hate him, hate him!

 

Batista seems to be making some progress, especially when it comes to being more physical and aggressive. At 6-5 and 300 pounds, he will never be a “finesse guy.” Neither will Albert, who seems to have also stepped up some in the physicality department. Albert, a three-year starter on the O-line at Pitt, is an amazing athlete at 6-7 and 340 pounds who needs to let his mean streak flow.

 

More hosses! Ahhhhhhhh! Where are my tissues?

 

Chris Benoit still feels he is a step away from being totally back from his nearly one-year absence from the ring following neck surgery. That’s hard for me to judge because I think Chris is already back being as good as anyone on our roster. More RVD-Benoit action someday will not hurt my feelings.

 

He may be the best wrestler on the roster, but he does fill that midcard slot quite nicely.

 

I would loved to have had a beverage with Gordon Solie this week but my mentor is, unfortunately, not with us any longer.

 

That's pretty much true. Not much to read inbetween there.

 

I will break bread with Mean Gene Okerlund, who is alive and well. Wish Bobby Heenan could join us.

 

Gene needs a designated driver, and guess who's turn it is this week?

 

If Kurt Angle continues to improve as we see every week, some day we may be saying, “there is Angle and then the rest of the talent.” World-class, gold medal-winning athletes who learn to entertain are a rarity.

 

Yes, we will be giving Angle a push.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

 

Great to see the Hardys together again on Raw versus the tag champions. I wish they had more match time available to them, but that’s live TV, I guess. In any event, both Matt and Jeff are outstanding hands, in tags or singles.

 

They haven't changed their shit since that ladder match in '99, yet, we keep pushing them. I think. ::spins wheel::

 

Eddie Guerrero is amazing.

 

We are waiting for him to screw up again, so we can release him.

 

William Regal is teaching Harvard’s Chris Nowinski some valuable in-ring techniques.

 

Chris is a hoss-in-training.

 

I would think some talents with weight issues would be more inclined to personally address those issues but, unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. This is not my “cryptic message of the week,” but a direct statement to those that are too heavy. More than one talent should use some self-discipline and get into “game shape”. These matters have been thoroughly addressed. Again.

 

This message is directed towards Molly Holly.

 

And I’m not talking about Rey Mysterio, who continues to amaze.

 

Tankass. ::bends over, rips pants::

 

Rico is becoming a very pleasant surprise on SmackDown!. Don’t be surprised to see this hard-working, dedicated performer see some single action soon. Rico is a very positive influence on our talent roster.

 

He's forty years old, so there is really no sense in pushing him. We do not push anyone over 35. I mean it.

 

WWE Market Reps continue to do a fabulous job marketing our live events. Unfortunately, they often times get unjustly blamed for problems that arise at “on-sale promotions” with our talent. Recently at Madison Square Garden, Triple H signed autographs for well over two hours, but could not finish the long line of fans lined up to buy tickets for Raw and to hopefully meet “The Game.” The event started at its scheduled time of noon and then, as customary, the line was “cut off” at a certain point by MSG officials so Triple H could sign for the remaining fans. Triple H could have stayed all day and still would have not been able to get through the entire line that wrapped around MSG. We are sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused some of our most loyal fans, but the situation was unavoidable considering the size of the line and the time restraints. As my old daddy used to say, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

 

Even we were surprised at the fact that THAT many people wanted his autograph.

 

This week I am trying to commit to words my experiences with a wide variety of Superstars I have worked with in my 25-years-plus career for our most unique of cookbooks due out next year. I will tell of interaction with Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, Junkyard Dog, Cowboy Bill Watts, Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin, to name a few. The decades of the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s until the present will be addressed with a series of short stories. I sure hope you will enjoy these personal memories of some of the most prominent Superstars and personalities I have had the privilege of working with these many years.

 

I really want you to buy that cookbook!

 

Take care and I’ll see you Monday in beautiful Seattle and back here next week.

 

Seattle sucks. Rains all the goddamn time. Can't barbecue.

 

JR (Boomer Sooner!)

 

That outta hold them for this week.

 

 

 

Bah, I suck. Flame me, I deserve it.

[Guest The Superstar]

LOL! Some of that was good. Although I like Kane so I don't mind him being pushed. I also like Batista but THAT'S IT! Two hosses are enough, bah gawd.

[Guest Shaved Bear]

damn I hate Albert

[Guest The Man in Blak]

I can't believe that people actually still read the Ross Report.

[Guest Gamengiri2002]

I agree with Man in Blak. You, Mr. Sandman (or is it Mr. 9000) are a better man than I.

 

Oh, and your Jericho's Fozzy performance being the closest he'll get to headlining anything for a while, was good stuff.

[Guest J*ingus]

You're stealing my gimmick, dammit!

 

::reads SM9K's whole post::

 

Crap... it was funny. Carry on.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Mr. Blak, every now and then, I need something to laugh at. The Ross Report makes me laugh.

 

Reading JR's babble and taking it literally is something that no one does. However, taking the political BS that JR feeds us and figuring out what he really is thinking is much more amusing.

 

Or I'm just simple minded.