Ross Report

[Guest Sandman9000]

No one gave a shit last week, so I might as well do it again.

 

All smart/dumbass comments are what JR really thinks.

 

 

Greetings from under the 20000000000000000000000000000X black Resistol hat from the Simon & Schuster National Sales Conference in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. I have had the privilege of speaking with the talented folks at Simon & Schuster, who will be publishing our new cookbook, due out in May 2003. The book will be much more than a cookbook and will be titled "RAW Heat -- Real BBQ: True Tales of the Grill, the Ring and Country Cookin'."

 

If this book doesn't sell, I'll literally be forced to eat my hat. But 50 pages of Bradshaw stories should make this thing sell like hotcakes. Hotcakes dunked in BBQ sauce. Mmmmmmm.

 

Random thoughts:

 

Hell, any thinking for me nowadays is random.

 

I felt we had another solid week of RAW and SmackDown! Producing 21 viable segments of primetime television is certainly challenging; however, the recent efforts of our creative staff, talent and TV people have been excellent. Is there room for improvement? Always. Will we continue to work hard in entertaining our diverse and demanding fans? Absolutely.

 

Fine, fine, no Michaels promos.

 

SummerSlam is really starting to take shape and the lineup, on paper, looks to be potentially excellent.

 

Or potentially suck ass, depending on what part of the card you look at. I mean, should we give 15 minutes to either Test vs. Undertaker, or Benoit vs. RVD? I think we all know the answer to that question.

 

I can't wait to see the Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H confrontation at SummerSlam. These two should have great in-ring chemistry and I think the Heartbreak Kid will, not surprisingly, have a magnificent outing after longer than a four year absence from the ring. There are no two better "storytellers" in our business for my money.

 

Of course, the "story" they are trying to tell is a 600 page novel that they will need 45 minutes to do, but, hey, they are the BEST at what they do.

 

Most of the superstars who traveled to Australia will be off this weekend to allow them to rest and recover from jetlag.

 

Of course, they all had to fly coach. Coach, however, was left behind. Koala is also damn tasty, especially when I dump BBQ sauce on it.

 

Chris Jericho's band, Fozzy, will play live this Monday on RAW from the sold-out Scope in Norfolk, Va. Fozzy will also kickoff SummerSlam weekend by performing live at WWE's The World in New York City's Times Square on Friday, Aug. 23. Y2J has been on a tremendous roll recently on RAW and should have a great match with the legendary Ric Flair at SummerSlam. Chris is in the process of finalizing a new long-term contract with WWE.

 

It will be the closest Chris Jericho gets to performing for twenty minutes. I mean, the one with his band, not his match with Flair. We need time for HBK and HHH to tell their story.

 

I am happy to hear that Bret Hart is recovering from his recent stroke. Bret always was known for his outstanding work ethic, and it is that same desire to succeed that will pull the "Hitman" through on this latest challenge in his colorful life's journey. I hope that someday we are able to sit down and renew the relationship that we had at one time. I, personally, sincerely appreciate all the contributions Bret made to our business.

 

He didn't punch ME in the face.

 

Edge's star seems to shine brighter every week. This young man is truly living his dream and we are all very fortunate to have him on our talent roster.

 

He's on the roster as long as he pisses Anglesault off.

 

The overall attitude of our talent and the atmosphere at our TV events seems to have improved as of late, which has certainly contributed to the success of our recent broadcasts.

 

It's amazing what a random execution will do to improve morale. Note: Be sure to send a ham to the family of Haku.

 

Great outing on SmackDown! by several talents, including all of the participants in the Guerreros vs. Rey Mysterio & Edge match, as well as The Rock vs. Chris Benoit. It's especially great to see Benoit getting back to his old, outstanding self after missing almost one year of action due to neck surgery. I don't know what to say about The Rock's motor other than it is amazing.

 

Way to many Mexicans on one show. I mean, WCW gave their Mexicans 20 minutes every show, and look where they are now. Here, we know how to properly push a foreigner.

 

The eight-man tag team main event on RAW was off the page, in my view. Great match to call and, hopefully, even better to watch. Triple H doesn't seem to have lost a step since his elbow surgery.

 

Eight friggin guys in the main event, and the one person we have to talk about is the guy who wasn't involve in the pin, or wrestled more then three minues!

 

Hollywood Hulk Hogan is putting the finishing touches on his much-anticipated book, due out in November. The controversial Hulkster has had a helluva life and career in our business, which is going to make for an excellent read.

 

Second note to self: make sure that every fourth word of the book isn't brother.

 

Jerry "The King" Lawler is also putting his book project to bed, no pun intended, and this one should be a real page-turner too. My broadcast partner's life story is due out late this year or early in 2003.

 

I just hope that Jerry doesn't include any picture in the book.

 

I expect the King and I will share broadcast duties with SmackDown! announcers Michael Cole and Tazz, as it should be, at SummerSlam. No controversy here, unless "sources say" otherwise, I guess.

 

Sons of bitches stealing my spotlight. Third note to self: Key Michael's car.

 

Our young talents, like Christopher Nowinski, Shelton Benjamin, Jamal & Rosie, Victoria, Bull Buchanan, Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli and Batista are all improving every day. Same goes for John Cena. It is truly great to see these young people grow and contribute. Of course, they are all various shades of green, but without a doubt they are all headed in the right direction. Time will tell who works the hardest and, with a little luck, makes it to the "promise land."

 

Let's see, I think Bull deserves the push. We should also fire Mike Awesome, since he'll take away some of Bull's heat. No copycats here in the WWE.

 

Ohio Valley Wrestling (OVW) debuts its new facility on Sept. 4 in Louisville, Ky., and many OVW alumni will be on hand to contribute. I am looking forward to participating in the festivities on Sept. 4 myself.

 

Unless, of course, I happen to feel a little weak on Sept. 3. Maybe I should make Michael Cole go instead. "What a manuever!" my ass.

 

Have you checked out the Fabulous Moolah's book yet? I hope you give it a shot. Longtime fans may like it better than most.

 

If THIS sells better then my cookbook, heads will roll. Mine, probably.

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin made headlines again recently as he is attempting to put his recent domestic issues behind him. Knowing Stone Cold as I do, I have no doubt he will land on his feet with many better days ahead for himself and wife Debra.

 

Looks like I'll be breaking out the ol' kneepads soon.

 

Live events this weekend will see the Hardy Boyz attempting to coexist to fulfill previous commitments.

 

Even though we split them up, they still have to team together. At least until our crack creative department comes up with ideas for them. Maybe change Matt to Mat.

 

I like the direction Matt Hardy is headed on SmackDown! Matt has a great deal to offer from where I sit. He's a very bright, passionate young man.

 

That direction being down. How dare somebody ask questions. Only problem is I won't be able to personally see that he only works Velocity, the was I could see that Matt only worked Heat.

 

Jeff Hardy's recent in-ring efforts have been outstanding and I am excited about his direction too. If we do our job in managing Jeff's schedule, this talented young man could be on the verge of great things.

 

I've got Dec. 12 as the day Jeff has to go to rehab in the office pool.

 

Booker T is preparing to do another Hungry Man commercial. Trish Stratus and Bubba Ray Dudley are also doing another Stacker 2 spot.

 

Because everyone knows that hosses love Stacker 2. Maybe we should give some to Molly, as one of those little hints that we like to do.

 

Fit Finlay has done an awesome job working with the female superstars on our roster, as has Dean Malenko with our cruiserweights. Both these road agents have been valuable assets to WWE and have fit in nicely with our outstanding group of agents, who sincerely care about our product. Being an agent is not an easy job, as entails being part coach, teacher, producer and confidant.

 

Wait, wait. Are we pushing the cruisers or the women this month? I can't remember.

 

Agent John Laurinaitis has been doing a wonderful job assisting yours truly in the talent relations department. I am learning to better delegate things and John has really been a blessing to me. There is plenty of work to go around.

 

Too bad there isn't enough food. Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, every time I see that man, he's eating. I don't know how in the world they managed to get him to put down the sandwhich for those Tough Enough segments.

 

Kevin Nash continues to work very hard at rehabilitating his torn quadriceps and will be a very interested fan at SummerSlam, especially for the HBK-HHH contest.

 

Of course, after updating his prognosis, he should be ready to go some time in 2005. Hey, Kevin is saying that he is working as hard as he can, I have to take his word for it.

 

The Big Valbowski is seeing Dr. Lloyd Youngblood in San Antonio, Texas, this weekend to have his neck checked out. I hope we get good news.

 

Like he is crippled and we can fire his ass.

 

Kanyon is on his road to recovery, and we look forward to Chris' return in the next few weeks.

 

Let's see, first a leg injury, then an arm injruy. I think Chris will injure his back next. Might as well see to it that it happens.

 

Maven is seeing the U.S. Ski Team's doctor this week to get a better read on his broken fibula and nagging ankle problems.

 

These Tough Enough kids are pussies. Why the hell did he win again, especially when Hoss-in-Training Chris Nowinski was there?

 

Torrie Wilson is headed to the U.K. on Aug. 27-31 for promotional work. Another bright young talent working hard for the company.

 

Did I just describe Torrie Wilson as "bright?"

 

The Hurricane -- Gregory Helms to his folks -- and Shannon Moore are becoming one of my favorite tag teams. The two North Carolina natives grew up with the Crockett promotion and saw great tag teams like the Rock 'n' Roll Express, the Horsemen and the Andersons. Lifelong fans seem to always make the best in-ring talents.

 

Why do people always keep calling them 3 Count? I don't get it, we made sure that this was the first time those two have ever teamed up. And I don't know why Helms' parents don't call their son by his given name, Shane.

 

Weekly (OK, not-so-weekly) Goldberg update: Sorry, but nothing new to report. Hopefully, we will be able to talk sooner rather than later if the big Oklahoma native is interested in WWE. I'm thinking that he is.

 

Maybe he'll actually learn how to wrestle over in Japan.

 

Dawn Marie is working diligently in practice sessions to improve her in-ring skills. She has been a pleasure to work with since arriving not long ago.

 

After she gets her implants removed. No one is allowed to have a bigger bust line on Smackdown then Stephanie. Except for Mark Henry, because I made sure he is allowed to. I take care of my hosses.

 

Our WWE Women's Champion, Molly Holly, is really doing well with the vignettes she has been involved in recently. Verbal skills are so important to the overall success of a sports entertainer and the professional Miss Molly is picking up that part of her game.

 

All she needs to do is lose 15-20 pounds. Maybe I should have Terri talk to Molly about her diet. Terri sure is looking good these days.

 

Looks like Batista may be slowly heading toward becoming a fan favorite. Lots of untapped potential here. Untapped potential, as we all know, can be the "kiss of death" in our business if it goes unrealized, however. No one involved in the process seems to have the patience to allow a talent to evolve and develop.

 

I've talked to the big man, and speaking of development, it looks like he is a step or two down on the evolutionary ladder as well.

 

I am happier with the September live event cards than I have been in quite some time. Getting some superstars healthy and the advancement of some new faces really helps. We are certainly not where we want to be in that area but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

 

That light at the end is when I have Bull Buchanan put on the cards. He's such a stud.

 

Rico continues to be a pleasant surprise -- a hard-working, loyal guy. Great traits for anyone to have.

 

And as soon as he learns to wrestle the WWE way, he might actually recieve a push.

 

Brock Lesnar continues to absorb very well all that has been quickly thrown his way. Brock is very competitive; you don't win an NCAA Title without being a competitive son of a gun. Lesnar has a lot to learn, and if he does, this South Dakota native can be very special.

 

He has a lot to learn, and yet we are giving him the belt because? Oh yeah, 20"+ arms.

 

TV should be fun next week leading into SummerSlam. I hope you enjoy the shows. Thanks for spending some of your time with us and I hope to see you back here next week.

 

If ratings don't go up, Vince hits me with a belt.

 

J.R. (Boomer Sooner!)

 

That outta hold the little fuckers for this week.

 

 

Again, flame until you can flame no longer.

[Guest nWoScorpion]

MUCH better then last weeks.

 

HBK/HHH In ring formula or what not. WTF?!?! HBK took the WORST PEDIGREE EVER. And thats suppose to be good in ring CHEMISTRY? Fuck Ass

[Guest buffybeast]

That was great!

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

Thank you sandman...thank you..

 

Thats at least how I read the damn things

[Guest nWoScorpion]

We Want The Hulk Report, lol

[Guest chirs3]

Sandman, that was absolutely hilarious. Don't ever stop.

 

It will be the closest Chris Jericho gets to performing for twenty minutes. I mean, the one with his band, not his match with Flair. We need time for HBK and HHH to tell their story.

 

Heh...