Rowdy Roddy Piper's Greatest Hits Rant

[Guest MillenniumMan831]

Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits

 

This is good ol’ Millennium Man’s Coliseum Video Ranting Debut . . .

 

This video was produced in 1985 and was the ninth video released by Coliseum.

 

- We begin with our host, Mean Gene Okerlund. Gene is wearing old man glasses that make him look like an investigative reporter. He also thinks Piper is being an egomaniac by having his tape entitled; say it with me, “Rowdy Roddy Piper’s Greatest Hits.” Hmmm . . . whatever. Okerlund goes on to give some history of Piper while stills of the video are shown.

 

- Piper’s Pit w/ Andre the Giant --- Oh God, Piper, DON’T PISS Andre off!!! Well, Piper ignores that advice. After Andre refuses to tell Roddy where he’s from (France), Piper compares The Giant’s brain to the size of his chewed gum. For whatever reason, Andre has a half-grin on his face. Piper then accuses Andre of being bodyslammed by Big John Studd to which Andre denies causing Piper to claim that if given five minutes, HE could bodyslam Andre. Not without Hulk Hogan’s Powerful Python Powder he won’t. Andre proceeds to toss Roddy around by his shirt and leaves. Piper is left challenging Andre, which nicely leads into . . .

 

- Rowdy Roddy Piper & Dr. D David Schultz vs. Andre the Giant & Superfly Jimmy Snuka from MSG --- Gorilla Monsoon and Pat Patterson are manning the commentary table. Piper being the good sport that he is, allows the good doctor to start off against Andre. What a saint! Collar-and-elbow has Schultz up against the ropes. Andre gives a clean break to which Schultz shoots Andre a glare that’s a dead ringer for BMF Austin. Piper tags in, surveys the situation and tags back out to quite a bit of heat. Andre gives Schultz the patented “BUTT bump” where he shoots his opponent off the ropes, drops down, and lets his victim run abdomen first into his truck-sized assets! I would double dare someone to no sell that! Schultz ends up getting the upper hand as Piper screams for and gets the tag. Andre starts no-selling and hits him with a honeybaked ham . . . no wait, that’s just his fist. Sorry. Schultz back in, and actually hits a knee that The Giant sells like a brick to the head. Piper grabs some brass-knucks and KO’s Andre behind the referee’s back. Andre’s gushing blood! This causes the match to be stopped as officials help carry Andre out. Snuka wants a handicap match against Roddy & Davey. Everyone agrees and the match is on. Snuka easily cleans house until a thumb to the eye turns the tide. A 2-on-1 beatdown ensues until Andre w/ bandages and all lurps back in the ring and murders Dr. D and the heels escape. Piper and Schultz win via DQ at about 11 minutes. Mucho Entertainment!!!!!!!

 

- Piper’s Pit w/ Frankie Willaims --- Williams is from Columbus, Ohio. Piper goes on a rant on how he has never lost a match in his fighting career; and if he did, it would take that “umphhh” away from him that he needed. Piper claims that Williams is just the opposite and that he is too cowardly to wrestle. Frankie gets pissed, so Piper casually kicks his ass, and unleashes the phrase, “Just when they think they got the answers, I change the question.” While not hysterically funny, it was still an entertaining chunk of two minutes.

 

- Piper’s Pit at the set of the A-Team w/ Mr. T --- Piper starts by rambling on about how Mr. T has his name written on the back of a director’s chair. Piper wants to know how Mr. T feels about portraying tough guys on television since The Hot Rod is a true tough guy who beats people up for a living (Ummm, ok). Mr. T has NO IDEA how to counter Piper’s jibberish. Hilarious stuff! Mr. T claims what HE does is REAL. Now I’m confused. The subject switches to Cyndi Lauper and Piper wonders how sick it must make The American children to look at Mr. T and Lauper as role models. A pseudo-brawl erupts as someone holds T back and Piper, always one to get the last word, proclaims if T gets in his face again, he’d “Put an X by his name!!!”

 

- WWF Championship Match – Hulk Hogan w/ Cyndi Lauper & Captain Lou Albano vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper w/ Cowboy Bob Orton from MSG --- This is indeed “The War to Settle the Score” on MTV. A boyish looking Bob Costas is the guest ring announcer. Piper smashes a guitar before the match. Meanwhile, Hogan fires up Mr. T before the match and vice-versa to get things going. There’s a mass load of heat at MSG. A brawl starts things off, as it becomes apparent that Piper is being a bit uncooperative against The Hulkster. LOL! Anything that makes Hogan look foolish is A-OK in my book. Hogan ends up taking control anyways with slams, elbows, and biting (to show off his amateur background I’m sure). A blind charge by Hogan changes the momentum as Piper follows it up with kicks and stomps. Man, Okerlund’s voice sounds just like Brent Musburger. Piper slaps the sleeper onto Hogan, to which Monsoon claims is a choke. Alrighty then. Hogan escapes and whacks Bob Orton’s broken arm onto the ringpost and starts firing away on Piper. Orton takes a hike and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff subs in for the wounded warrior. Hogan with an atomic drop. A second attempt leads into a ref bump. This allows Orndorff to drop a top-rope knee drop. This prompts Cyndi Lauper to jump up on the apron to a massive pop. The announcers are screaming for Lauper to get down. However, Mr. T is the one that ends up in the ring and Piper punks him out. 2-on-1 starts up but Hogan FINALLY gets up and our WrestleMania Main Event is set! Orton returns and about a dozen cops/officials are holding all parties back. Hogan is announced the winner by DQ after about 7 ½ minutes of “Pandemonium!” Chaos rules!!! One of the best segments on the tape. And that’s saying something!

 

- Piper’s Pit w/ Rowdy Roddy Piper --- Oh yeah, that’s right! Exclusively for Coliseum Video, Rowdy Roddy Piper has Rowdy Roddy Piper on his special Pit. Host Piper is dressed in a tuxedo and Guest Piper in his Hot Rod shirt complete with kilt. Piper’s decision to have Piper on his Pit is because he wanted someone as intelligent and tough as he is. Man, these guys’ chemistry is great! Guest Piper reveals that he was The Bowling for Bath Towels Champion and recommends all the kids at home to eat frog legs, but DON’T KILL the frogs; THAT’S BAD LUCK! LOL once again! Host Piper reads a letter from Mama Hogan to leave her son alone. Onto other business, Guest Piper says his shirt says HOT ROD for a reason . . . but the second time, he’s long and lean . . . and the third time, he’s wonderful. I may use that line the next time I pick up chicks! Guest Piper reveals that the best way to get your woman pregnant is too give ol Hot Rod a call. The two Pipers wrap it up by saying no matter what, they’d NEVER EVER fight each other! This interview would of never of gotten aired on national TV in 1985, that’s for sure.

 

- Mean Gene invades the WrestleMania workout of Piper, Orndorff, and Orton --- Orndorff and Piper are meditating as Orton goes over the psychology of deep thinking. Piper suddenly growls at the camera in an image that’ll give me nightmares for a week. They wake up and give Okie a hard time. Orndorff’s does some dead lifts and then the three amigos throw Okerlund out of the gym and beat up some poor bystandard just for fun.

 

- Piper and Orton go to the doctor’s office from TNT --- Vinnie Mac accompanies Piper and Orton. McMahon is wearing a nice, pink suit. The x-ray of Orton’s compound fracture is shown. Orton claims he is still in pain despite the new x-ray showing nothing wrong with the arm. Piper seems to believe the x-rays have been switched by saying the length of the arms are way different. Doc checks out some of the nervous reactions and Orton flinches before he is touched. This prompts the doctor of accusing him of faking the injury. Piper won’t let the doc get a word in edgewise by making quacking noises! The good just keeps on getting better!

 

- Piper’s Pit w/ Superfly Jimmy Snuka --- We pick things up with Piper giving Snuka the microphone and starts throwing pineapples, bananas, and coconuts on the table. After Snuka accuses Piper of mocking him, Piper CREAMS Snuka with a coconut and proceeds to destroy him! The whole set gets knocked over while Piper shoves a banana in Snuka’s face. Piper whips Snuka with his belt and still refuses to shut up. After Snuka recovers, Piper leaves and shuts the door behind him. This leads into . . .

 

- Piper on TNT --- McMahon is pissed that Piper never gives anyone else a turn to talk to which Piper interrupts him and says Snuka was a bumbling idiot and he’s lucky he didn’t do more to the legend. Lord Alfred Hayes chimes in saying Piper has no dignity and adds nothing to TNT. I beg to differ and apparently so does Piper because he bitch slaps Al Hayes like he was Linda McMahon.

 

- NO DQ – Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Superfly Jimmy Snuka from Minneapolis --- Lou Thesz is your referee and Alfred Hayes and Gene Okerlund are commentating. Piper attacks to start using his Piper Power (eyepoke, earclap, ect.) to wear Snuka down. Snuka retaliates and Piper bails out. Piper back in and lands a low blow. Piper does the “I Love You” taunt much to the crowd’s dismay. Piper stays on the offensive for a bit until the action spills on the outside. Okerlund feels that Piper should be DQ’ed for his actions. Aye corumba! NO DQ chief! Snuka wallops Piper with a wooden chair and takes control inside. Thesz takes a requisite ref bump. Snuka hits a high-cross body from the top. No ref though. Piper recovers and takes off Lou’s belt and gets to whippin’ Snuka’s back and starts to choke him. Piper then nails Thesz but turns around and gets met by belt shots from Snuka. Piper ends up taking a walk and doesn’t look back. Superfly wins via countout after 7 minutes of action.

 

- Piper Promo --- Piper reads a letter from Superfly’s son begging for Piper to stop battering his father. Piper spits on it and crumbles it up and yells some more.

 

- Piper’s Pit w/ The Tonga Kid --- This is supposed to be The Tonga Kid, but this guy is much to chubby to really be him. This might be Samu. Piper accuses Tonga of wearing a skirt. Tonga says he “can speak English pretty good.” So could me. Tonga challenges Piper to attempt to break his neck since Piper broke Snuka’s. Piper calls Tonga “Tootsie” and casually leaves.

 

- Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. The Tonga Kid w/ Superfly Snuka from The Spectrum --- Gorilla Monsoon and Dick Graham are doing commentary. Snuka is wearing an “I Want Piper” T-shirt. The “Body Slam” tag team partners collide! Tonga destroys Piper to start. Headbutts, chops, and more up until Piper slips in his patented eyepoke to take control. Tonga quickly turns the tide back in his favor after piper attacked Tonga’s forehead. Big mistake! Fortunately for Piper, a back suplex got things going his way again. Piper talks trash to Snuka. Tonga fights out of a front facelock w/ a vertical suplex. Tonga starts dancing around and both wrestlers end up outside the ring. Piper pearl harbors Snuka. Snuka attacks Piper in retaliation. Bob Orton runs in and a 4-way brawl erupts. Piper escapes just in the nick of time. At approx 6 minutes, both men were DQ’d. This segues into . . .

 

- Rowdy Roddy Piper & Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Superfly Jimmy Snuka & The Tonga Kid from MSG --- Monsoon and Okerlund are once again doing play-by-play. Pier-6 to get things rollin’. Faces dominate, heels scatter. Tonga locks in an armbar; the extended version. Orton tags in and gets whupped by Tonga. Tag to Snuka and he picks up where Tonga left off. Orton crawls over to his corner and Piper gives him an alligator arm effort to tag in. TOO F’N FUNNY! Piper finally tags in and Snuka takes out some Fijian Vengeance out on him. Piper works in his 128th eyepoke of the video to set up an advantage for his team. Doesn’t last long though as Tonga tags back in and is “A House of Fire”. Tonga gets caught in the wrong corner and becomes in desperate need of a tag. He withstands almost 7 minutes worth of punishment before he crawls underneath Oeron’s legs and makes a red hot tag. Snuka hits the double-noggin knocker! All 4 guys in the ring. Piper dumps Tonga over the top and out. Meanwhile Snuka counters Orton’s superplex and a high cross body. Save on a 2-count by Piper. The heels dump Sunka out as Tonga gets back in. I don’t think anyone has a clue what’s supposed to go on. All 4 back in, ref takes a bump, and calls for the bell. A DQ? I’m shocked and chagrinned! After about 15 minutes, I’m guessing it’s a double-DQ because no official decision was rendered.

 

- Closing Credits Roll and Previews for Best of WWF Volume 4, Wrestling’s Country Boys, and The Amazing Managers wrap up the video.

 

- Final Thoughts --- 90 minutes well spent for sure! Piper was politically incorrect, lewd, a bit uncooperative in the ring at times, but by God, he was unforgettable. He ALWAYS got the last word. He was like the Archie Bunker of the WWF. This may be my favorite Coliseum Video I’ve ever seen, and I have quite a few. Sorry if this was a bit lengthy, but I really got into it. I hoped you enjoyed reading it and any comments, questions, and/or feedback is welcome.

 

- Value --- Instead of doing the star rating system or letter grades to rate videos, I rate them economically, by the American greenback. Remember, this is just my opinion, but I really feel this video (entertainment wise) is worth, oh, I’ll say about $22.50. It’s THAT DANG DAWG GONE GOOD!!!