THE 2ND GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH~!

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

New Jack vs Justin Credible

Barbed Wire Match

 

Weak headbutt on Credible by Jack. New Jack launches Credible into the barbed wire! New Jack strikes Justin Credible. New Jack strikes Justin Credible. Jack only gets knees on a splash. Justin Credible throws Jack into the barbed wire! Big piledriver on Jack. New Jack avoids a Justin Credible avalanche. New Jack DDTs Credible, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. New Jack scores with a poor standing spinebuster. New Jack misses a clothesline. Credible hits a right hand. Jack ducks a wild right hand. New Jack strikes Justin Credible. New Jack throws Credible into the barbed wire...and that entire side collapses, wrapping Credible up in the flesh-ripping wire!! Jack quickly makes the cover and gets the three count over a bloody opponent. **1 rating for a decent contest.

 

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 67%

Match Quality: 44%

 

Mark Henry vs Rikishi

Texas Death Match

 

Mark Henry hits some weak-looking punches. Henry drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Uninspiring brawling from Rikishi. Rikishi whips Henry into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Sloppy tornado punch from Rikishi, Henry barely got hit. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Henry counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Frying pan shot by Henry. Big clothesline from Henry. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Pin, three count, it's over. Mark Henry pins Rikishi. The referee gets to a five count....and Rikishi gets back up. Mark Henry drops Rikishi with a clothesline. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Rikishi comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Rikishi slams Mark Henry onto the table. Pin, three count, it's over. Rikishi pins Henry. The referee counts: 6....7...8....but Henry stands up. Henry powers out of a headlock. Rikishi gets knocked to the ground by Henry. Here it comes...Backbreaker Submission! Rikishi taps! The referee counts to 10, this match is over! It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1 rating.

 

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 42%

 

Maven vs Chris Nowinski

High Incident Match

 

They start brawling in the aisle. Eye gouge from Chris Nowinski. Elbow from Maven. Maven takes a kick to the thigh. Right hand from Maven. Both wrestlers make their way up the scaffold! They start brawling high above the ring...until Nowinski hits a crunching headbutt...and Maven falls, crashing through three tables! We have a winner! *** rating for a good bout.

 

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 75%

Match Quality: 60%

 

Hulk Hogan vs The Undertaker

Cage Match

 

Weak kick from Hogan. Hulk Hogan drives Undertaker into the cage side. Hogan climbs the cage...but The Undertaker is in hot pursuit, and they both end up back on the canvas. Hulk Hogan hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Hulk Hogan hits a weak elbow on The Undertaker. The Undertaker avoids a Hulk Hogan avalanche. The Undertaker throws Hogan into the cage. Nice piledriver on Hogan. Undertaker climbs the cage...but Hulk Hogan is in hot pursuit, and they both end up back on the canvas. Hogan counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Big clothesline from Hogan. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Flapjack from Hogan on Undertaker. The Undertaker comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Hogan gets slammed. The Undertaker gets taken down out of nowhere. Hulk Hogan climbs the cage, but gets pulled down by Undertaker! Uninspiring brawling from Hulk Hogan. The Undertaker gets knocked to the ground by Hogan. Here it comes - Legdrop Of Doom, right on the money. Hulk Hogan and Undertaker climb the cage....until The Undertaker gets knocked off by a right hand! Hogan climbs over the top for the win! A good *** rating.

 

Road Agent Notes: The Undertaker was sluggish and didn’t put much effort in..

 

Overall Rating: 69%

Crowd Reaction: 89%

Match Quality: 24%

 

Linda \ Lita vs Ivory \ Jazz vs Stacy \ Nidia (For The WWE Tag Team Titles)

TLC Match

 

Stacy suplexes Linda to the canvas. Badly executed second rope splash by Nidia. Nidia puts Ivory through a table with a top rope legdrop. Stacy rams Jazz into the ladder. Lita hits a crap missile dropkick on Nidia. Stacy Keibler uses a running dropkick into the corner, although it looked more like a badly done leg lariat if you ask me. Hell, maybe that's what it was supposed to be. Stacy hits Lita with a plastic dinosaur. Ivory \ Jazz whip Stacy into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Jazz scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Ivory hits a bulldog off the ropes. Dropkick into the ladder by Lita, sending it into Ivory. Lita hits a wheel kick on Jazz. Face slam on the table by Lita. Side suplex from Stacy. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Stacy. Nidia hits a flying kick on Ivory. Nidia face jams Jazz. Stacy Keibler and Nidia go up the ladder and grab the prize for the win. Rating: 1 star.

 

Road Agent Notes: The crowd were confused as to why this was a title match, when the champions weren't involved. This affected their response to the entire match.

 

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 41%

 

Boss Man vs Al Snow

Hell in a Cell Match

 

Boss Man walks into a jaw breaker. Al Snow misses a clothesline. Lame kick from Boss Man. Weak bodyslam on Snow by Boss Man. Boss Man slams Al Snow down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Al Snow pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Tiger bomb by Al Snow, although no mention is made of whether it originated in Pearl River. Boss Man gets hit with a Black Tiger-esque splash mountain out of the corner. Boss Man gets caught with a short powerbomb from Snow. Boss Man kicks Al Snow in the gut to reverse the momentum. Snow takes a vertical suplex. Side suplex from Boss Man. 911 comes running down the aisle with a chair! Boss Man whips Al Snow into the ropes. 911 jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between 911, Snow, and the chair! Al Snow staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Boss Man and 911 beat away on Al Snow, leaving him spread-eagled on the canvas. Almost got a **** match, but was lacking in certain areas, so i'm knocking off half a star, so it gets a ***1 rating.

 

Overall Rating: 76%

Crowd Reaction: 81%

Match Quality: 67%

 

Kane vs Rey Misterio vs Chavo Guerrero vs Hurricane

 

Chavo gets slammed. Fallaway slam by Kane. There's a two count on the pin. Chavo powers out of a headlock. Tag between Chavo Guerrero and Hurricane. Hurricane uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Kane reverses an irish whip...and Hurricane runs into the referee. Back heel kick off the second rope, Kane goes down. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Second rope flying axe handle, Kane goes down. Kane drops out the back of a Hurricane bodyslam attempt. Tag to Rey Misterio. Rey crushes Hurricane with a running senton. Second rope flying axe handle, Hurricane goes down. Hurricane drops out the back of a Rey Misterio bodyslam attempt. Spin kick by Hurricane to the face. Back heel kick off the second rope, Rey goes down. Cover gets three. Hurricane pinned Rey. Chavo Guerrero scores with a back heel kick on Hurricane. Hurricane takes a flying neckbreaker from Chavo Guerrero. Cover for a two count. Beautiful spinning arm drag out of the corner by Chavo. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Hurricane blocks a punch. DDT from the top rope by Hurricane. That looked brutal. Hurricane tags out to Kane. Death valley driver by Kane, Chavo Guerrero got planted. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Kane defeats Chavo. Kane hits a right hand. Hurricane counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Kane is down. Pin, but Kane is out just before the three count. Kane ducks a clothesline attempt. Back elbow connects, Hurricane staggers backward. Kane moves in for the kill. Tombstone!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Almost got a **** match, but was lacking in certain areas, so i'm knocking off half a star, so it gets a ***1 rating.

 

Overall Rating: 76%

Crowd Reaction: 74%

Match Quality: 78%

 

Crash Holly vs Spike Dudley

Ladder Match

 

Crash hits an arm drag on Spike. Crash Holly with a whip into the ladder. Crash hits an arm drag on Spike. Spike tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. Spike counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Spike Dudley throws Crash into a ladder in the corner. Spinebuster by Spike Dudley. Crash ducks a wild right hand. Back heel kick from Crash on Spike. Flying knee to the face from Crash Holly. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Spike Dudley fights out of a grapple. Spike slams Crash Holly. Crash Holly powers out of a Spike Dudley headlock. Gut buster, Spike hits hard. They both begin to climb the ladder. Once they reach the top, an exchange of punches starts! Crash grabs Spike and throws him off into the ropes! His leg gets caught, trapping him. Crash Holly grabs the prize for the win. This gets a **3 rating.

 

Road Agent Notes: Spike Dudley has sustained an injury as a result of a bad bump!

 

FUCK! Lost the ratings. Oh well…at least Spike got injured!

 

Brooklyn Brawler vs Jacqueline

Inferno Match

 

Jacqueline throws Brawler toward the flames, but Brooklyn Brawler is able to put the brakes on in time. Big clothesline from Jacquie. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. Brawler blocks a kick from Jacqueline. Weak kick from Brawler. Weak slam from Brawler. Brooklyn Brawler holds Jacquie near the flames. Uninspiring brawling from Brooklyn Brawler. Jacquie backdrops Brooklyn Brawler out of a piledriver attempt. Powerslam from Jacqueline on Brawler. Sloppy tornado punch from Jacqueline, Brawler barely got hit. Brawler takes a weak clothesline. Jacqueline throws Brawler toward the fire! Brawler blocks a punch. Incredibly weak powerslam on Jacquie by Brawler. Flapjack from Brawler on Jacquie. Jacqueline is in trouble. Here it comes - Brawler Bomb. 1....2...3, it's finished. The bookers get one red-hot poker up the ass each as a rating, because this was crap.

 

Overall Rating: 19%

Crowd Reaction: 3%

Match Quality: 35%

 

Big Show vs Kevin Nash

Death Match

 

Kevin Nash smashes a Playstation console over the head of Show. Kevin Nash hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Some weak shots by Show. Show hits Nash with a plastic dinosaur. Uninspiring brawling from Big Show. Frying pan shot by Show. Big forearm by Show, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Show hits Nash with a plastic dinosaur. Powerslam from Kevin Nash on Show. Flapjack from Nash on Show. Whip into an upright table by Nash. Show takes a weak clothesline. Nash hits Show with a plastic dinosaur. Big Show punches away at Kevin Nash. Show DDTs Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash is in trouble. Show Stopper! 1....2....3. Kevin Nash slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. Obviously he's had enough for one night. I'll give it a *1 rating.

 

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 36%

 

Death match, my ass.

 

Trish Stratus vs Molly Holly (For The WWE Womans Title)

First Blood Match

 

Trish Stratus hits a sloppy double axe handle. Molly Holly pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Molly hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Flying elbow from Molly Holly. Molly walks into a trip. Trish Stratus DDTs Molly, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Sloppy tornado punch from Trish Stratus, Molly barely got hit. Molly Holly takes a right hand to the temple from Trish. Trish only gets knees on a splash. Flying elbow from Molly Holly. Trish walks into a face crusher variation. Molly picks up the ring bell. Trish Stratus turns around...and gets smashed over the head with it! That has to be at least a 0. 7 on the Muta scale. The referee sees blood, and this match is over! It gets a ***1 rating.

 

Overall Rating: 78%

Crowd Reaction: 88%

Match Quality: 55%

 

Overall Rating: 59%

 

Oh, by the way…

 

Spike Dudley will return from his knee injury in 16 months.

 

The Undertaker is at 30% morale.

[Guest I Like WDI]

"Road Agent Notes: The Undertaker was sluggish and didn’t put much effort in.."

 

"Show hits Nash with a plastic dinosaur." O.K.........Y'don't see that every day.

 

Bah, Dutch, you no sold my Hardyz vs. Linda and Steph ladder match.

[Guest Incandenza]

Molly picks up the ring bell. Trish Stratus turns around...and gets smashed over the head with it! That has to be at least a 0. 7 on the Muta scale.

 

Now that's more like it!

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

I swear, I'm going to alter my EWR game so that there's only 1 promotion with every single worker in it at maximum money and just go wild with stupid matches.

 

Glad I got you some blood, Inc!

 

Sorry, Tiger, the card was already being copied and pasted as your match was suggested. Next card!

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

Should I use SCOTt Keith or SCOTsman to review these matches?

[Guest Incandenza]

Scotsman. We've seen enough from Keith.

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

Scotsman it is.

 

Although, I'm still proud of myself for getting a red hot poker shoved up my ass for the Jacqueline/Brooklyn Brawler Inferno match.

[Guest Incandenza]

You should be. During my brief time with EWR, no matter how bad I tried to make a match, I never got anything lower than half-a-star.

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

Did you know you can actually get 5 red hot pokers up the ass as a rating? It takes a REALLY shitty match though.

[Guest Incandenza]

I imagine it would. I suppose I played EWR longer, I would have achieved my goal.

[Guest The Flying Dutchman]

I think that should be my next goal.

[Guest crandamaniac]

If you want somebody who can constantly put on Red Hot Poker matches, hire a guy named Rapid Fire Maldondo. I have him and he practically sucks

[Guest I Like WDI]

I downloaded a Puro scenario, and that seems to be Big Japan's goal...

[Guest -Cutthroat-]

The best show on earth....