DVDVR BOOZE REVIEW #17

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hiya!

 

It's been a while since I wrote one of these- as new youngsters mean less money to piss away on overpriced booze. BUT my wife is out of the No-Drinking Zone with the youngun and actually has been advised to have a couple beers a week to clear up things in her system so we are back into the grasp of the sweet delicious booze. She went out and bought a six because I kept buying all these twelves of Josef Hoffbauer Lager that are on sale at every Kroger in the Greater Richmond Area. I like it because it's only $4.99 a six and is INFINITELY better than other swill available, swill that would actually cost more- I point a disdainful finger to Miller and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I like it, but the wife- who can outdrink any of you motherfuckers if she ever had to and who useta drink twelves of Goebles waiting for the keg to arrive at her Oregon Hill house after the shows at Shafer Court on Fridays back in her collegiate black belt drunk days- thinks it tastes like I spent 5 bux for some kind of chilled Milwaukee bathhouse urine in cans. She bought her fave, which is Newcastle Brown Ale. I never get pitchers or pints of Newcastle when I'm out howling at the moon with my fellow drunken codgers, because if a bar has Newcastle, they would also more than likely have Guinness. And Guinness always wins. Guinness ALWAYS wins. Guinness. It always wins. Guinness. But I do actually like Newcastle Brown Ale when it is cold and in my house. I've drank three in the last 24 hours and the bottle shape itself is as accomodating as the smooth and hefty taste. The bottle is super-cylindrical and feels good in my hand- like if a beer bottle were shaped like my personal dream penis...wait. The taste is caramelly and dense, but is all lucid and lively as it dances in your mouth- kinda like every thing I like in a Lager or Pilsner combined with a couple of things I like in a stout or a porter. I recommend drinking it if your wife, husband or boyfriend or girlfriend buys it and leaves it in he fridge. You would buy the Guinness though.

 

So anyway, we hit the end of the Newcastle and it was like 8:45 or so and the second episode of COPS was on and we were out of beer. I said, "Y'know. Y'know, I could go the store and get some more booze."

 

She says, "Yeah, and get some M&Ms. And dont get any of that crap you've been buying."

 

I said, "The Hoffbauer? I was gonna go to Ellwood Thompson. What time does it close"

 

"Make your own six pack."

 

"No....no, fuck that, I can't afford that. I'll go to Kroger and get something." So I remembered that Kroger had also gotten some kind of Josef Hoffbauer-esque close-out deal on some other Northern off-brand and I became excited again. I remember that next to the ceiling high stacks of Hoffbauer 12 packs, there were these $4.59 six-packs of some kind of faux Micro looking stuff called Lawson Creek. I usually go to the Kroger next to my work on my way home, but I was going to a foreign Kroger this time- the one in Carytown that useta be the most malt-liquor-drenched Safeway in the history of the great city of Richmond, Virginia. Luckily, the Lawson Creek was in the refrigerated section here as opposed to on the warm floor display like in the other Kroger and I notice they have three flavors of Lawson Creek- a Lager, a something and a Vanilla Cream Stout. Figuring the Vanilla Cream Stout would be either a] as repulsive as it sounds or b] as weird as Mobjack Old Coot Stout, I bought it because if something isn't going to be good at least be awful in an interesting way. The thing is, it's not repulsive at all. It's not GOOD or anything, but it's like if Sam Adams made a thrid rate creme ale, so it is better in it's genre of beverage than Vanilla Coke is at its genre. The vanilla is very prominent but it isn't a sweet vanilla taste. It's- I SWEAR- like Cool Colt malt liquor. It's the essence of vanilla like Cool colt was the ESSENCE of mint flavored Malt Liquor- a candy taste with the sugar taken out. It's fucking weird. But therein is its downfall as being anything worthy of being a high calibre BREW in that it's supposedly a stout but all you get is aslightly heavy beer with a overriding vanilla taste. C'mon a stout is supposed have some ass behind it and this is COMPLETELY assless. And it's only 3.2. If you can't have balls, at least have alcohol. This has neither, but for an on-sale knock-off of a Microbrew, ity's perfectly fine at $4.59.

 

And- since the time that the last Booze Review was concocted a few months- my Men-TOR and the most knowledgable elder statesman in the Richmond Booze Society got a promotion and is now my boss. Does it get any fucking better than that? I SAY THEE NAY!

 

DEAN.