Old sk00l stuff (Part 2 of 5)

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

These are all of the double no-show matches I wrote, not in order of when they were written, and not including the Stubby vs. Prophet one which is somewhere on the board.

 

Okay, back when I first became a booker, I said that whenever I got a double no-show (Which was often in ML world, not too sure about the JL back then) I'd write up a crap match that put down both wrestlers. Well, without further ado, here are some of my no-show matches.

 

Adam the Red (*Snif* come back, man!) vs. Silencer

 

Axis: Well folks, what a great Crimson we've had tonight. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and they do right now, as two mega-jobbers, Adam the Red and Silencer are going at it in what is sure to be a giant suck-fest.

 

Comet: Now, now, don't be so pessimistic. Even the biggest of jobbers, and these two sure rank up there, can put on a decent match, at least once in their career, maybe it'll happen tonight for these two.

 

Axis: Yeah, I sure hope so. Let's go to Funyon for the intros, maybe the pyro will mis-fire and take one of 'em out.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the number-one contendership for the IGNML Jobber Crown! Introducing first, from that place over there, weighing in at something and some more pounds, Silencer.

 

The sounds of crickets chirping can be heard, but that is all.

 

Funyon: I said, the SILENCER!

 

Silencer stumbles out, wiping off his mouth as Thug follows behind, looking pleased as well. Silencer makes his way to the ring, has trouble getting in, and Thug pushes him in.

 

Axis: NO! Not Thug! Man, she sure goes through the men. Last time, it was Brimstone, wasn't it?

 

Comet: Yeah, and she kicked our, I mean, your ass. That was funny.

 

Axis: Hey, I remember you going down too, so don't even start.

 

Funyon: And his opponent, from some red place, weighing in at some unknown weight, because I'm too lazy to look it up on the stats thread, Adam the Red!

 

Some red stuff goes off, and Adam the Red makes his way out, the Kool-Aid man right beside him.

 

Axis: What's going on? This is nothing like Adam's normal entrance.

 

Comet: Well, that is red kool-aid inside the Kool-Aid man, but I think that whoever's writing this isn't bothering to use the stats thread.

 

Axis: You're right. Hey, look, you just turned into a monkey!

 

Monkey(Previously Cyclone Comet): Well, what do you know, I did. Hey, monkeys can't talk! Hoo hee haaa! Hooo! Ahhh hee haa!

 

The bell rings and Adam gets floored by a stiff kick to the shin. Adam jumps back up, but is once again knocked to the mat from a big clothesline from Silencer. Silencer picks Adam up, whips him to the ropes, and takes him down with a dropkick.

 

Axis: Silencer dominating early on. You want a bannana, Mr. Monkey?

 

Monkey: Hee haa whooo! Haa oo ahh!

 

Axis: I'll take that as yes.

 

Silencer picks Adam up and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Suddenly, the sound of glass shattering can be heard, and The Gowensteiner is sprinting to the ring, carrying two tables. The two men in the ring break up and look on as The Gowensteiner puts the tables in the ring and sets them on fire. Gowensteiner kicks both men in the gut, and Stunners them through the flaming tables. Gowensteiner climbs the top turnbuckle, leaps off, and Swantons the two men through the remainder of the tables. The Kool-Aid man gets in the ring and tries to pull the Gowensteiner away, but he gets a Stunner for his troubles. Thug gets in the ring and stares a hole through The Gowensteiner. Gowensteiner is un-fazed, and plants a lip-lock on Thug, embracing her passionately.

 

Axis: I think I'm going to be sick!

 

Monkey: Whoo! Hee haa ooo eeeeaa!

 

After what seems like five minutes, Gowensteiner lets Thug go, who falls to the mat in shock. Gowensteiner is smiling from ear to ear, climbs the turnbuckles and raises his arms in the air to a huge pop from the crowd.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, the Gowensteiner and Thug!

 

Comet: What an amazing show folks! What role will the Gowensteiner play next week on Mirage? I doubt any, because he just got speared by the Elk. Oh well, that's too bad for him.

 

Axis: Well, at least he came out and ended that crap-fest early. Hey, you're not a monkey any more!

 

Comet: Nope, now where's that bannana?

 

Crimson goes off the air as a replay of The Elk coming out of the crowd and spearing The Gowensteiner is shown, along with the Elk climbing the top turnbuckle and landing a Swanton bomb, impaling the Gowensteiner through the chest, killing him.

 

 

 

Brimstone vs. Billy Jack Haynes Jr.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gents, this is a match between two huge jobbers, first, from somewhere to the left, weighing more than ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag, Brimstone!

 

Brimmy saunters out to the ring, Thug drapped across his arm, a smug look on his face.

 

Funyon: And the other loser, from the 'special closet,' being accompanied by X-Factor3, Billie Jo Hane, I mean Billy Jack Hane Jr.!

 

Hane walks to the ring, X-Factor right behind him, trying to grab his ass. Hane turns around and takes X-Factor down with a big right hand, then climbs in the ring.

 

Axis: Well, that was a great intro from Funyon.

 

Comet: Yeah, someone needs to wait to tell him he's getting a pay cut till after the show's over.

 

The bell rings and the two men go after each other with flailing arms and weak slaps. Billie gets rocked with a vicious left back-hand, and Brimstone whips him into the turnbuckle. Brimmy rushes Hane and hits a vertical splash, wrapping his legs around Hane and pounding his lower body into Hane's in an erotic display.

 

Axis: This is just sickening! I can't watch this any more!

 

Axis grabs his chair, gets in the ring and cracks it against Brimstone's head. Hane, looking relieved that the ordeal is over, goes to thank Axis, but recieves a chair shot for his troubles. Cyclone Comet gets up, climbs the turnbuckle and waits, perched. Axis sees Comet, nods his head and grabs Hane. Axis delivers the Factor bomb to Hane, and as soon as the Junior Hane member hits the mat, Comet leaps off and flattens him with the Falling Star Bomb. Brimstone slowly gets up, but is met with a double clothesline from Axis and Comet. Thug jumps in the ring to help her man, and starts cleaning house, taking on both Axis and Comet with stiff punches and forearm shots. Thug kicks both men in the nuts and hits a double DDT, leaving both commentators out cold.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has declared this match a double disqualification!

 

Thug looks straight at Funyon with a glance that would scare the crap out of Satan and Funyon trembles in fear.

 

Funyon: I mean, the winner of the match, Thug!

 

 

El Loco Hombre (He's gone) vs. Anarachy (He's gone as well)

 

Axis: Welcome back to Mirage. We've got a 'thrilling' match between two people who are in the running for Outcast's crown of Top Jobber, Anarchy and El Loco Hombre.

 

CC: Why are you always so pessimistic? Even the crappiest of wrestlers usually has at least one good match in 'em, but by the looks of these two, I doubt it. Well, let's turn to Funyon for the intros.

 

Funyon: Ladies and jellyfish, the following match shouldn't take place, but it has to. I beg of you, change the channel, and people in the audience, go to the concession stands or restrooms, you won't miss anything. Anyway, first, from Jobber-Ville, Anarchy!

 

The anarchy symbol, looking like it was drawn by a two year old with crayolas, appears on the IGNTron while Anarchy makes his way to the ring as fans start heading for the aisles.

 

Funyon: And his opponent, from El Jobber-Ville, El Loco Hombre!

 

ELH starts walking confidently towards the ring, but suddenly, El Luchadore Magnifico makes his way through the crowd, Mexican flag in hand! ELM nails ELH, dropping the MLer to the floor. ELM motions to the rafters, as something resembling CrowSting's harness begins descending. ELM straps ELH into the harness, grabs a stick, and picks up a microphone.

 

ELM: I'm sorry I'm late, but tonight, we celebrate Cinco De Mayo! We have the El Loco Hombre pinata, so everybody, take a whack!

 

ELM takes his own advice, rears back, swings and nails ELH in the back. Seemingly the entire ML roster pours from the back to the ring, each one taking turns hitting the 'pinata' as ELH cries in pain.

 

Funyon: Uh, the winner, Thug!

 

Axis: WHAT? Thug wasn't even here! Damn her black heart!

 

CC: Calm down my down under friend. We've got more great action, but first, let's whack him!

 

The commentators join in the festivities while Mirage wipes to a commercial

 

Jack Cassidy vs. Bullet

 

Axis: Welcome to IGNML Mirage! We’ve got some great matches, except for this opening one. Jack, the Beatnik, Cassidy takes on another newbie, Bullet. Please, someone shoot me!

 

CC: Now calm down my fellow Phoenix Upriser. Drink some delicious Pepsi Max, loaded with tryptophan to help you sleep.

 

Axis: Mmm, tryptophan, the ingredient in turkey and milk that helps us sleep! This should get me through this bore-fest of a match.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is…

 

A member of the ring crew runs down the ramp, holding a card in his hand. After sliding into the ring and handing it to the announcer, he exits as swiftly as he entered.

 

Funyon: …as I was saying, this match will not take place! Both participants have been beaten senseless, by, you guessed it, Thug, who has been declared the winner of the match!

 

The cameras cut to a backstage hallway, where Cassidy, being consoled by Crazy Chick, is bleeding from the nose and ears, while Bullet is in the fetal position, crying uncontrollably. Ben Hardy is on the scene, trying to get a word out of Crazy Chick.

 

Ben: Excuse me, could you tell me what happened?

 

Crazy: Yeah, apparently, someone set Thug up on a blind date with both Jack and Bullet, and then cancelled on her. She was so mad, she came out here and destroyed both of them.

 

Ben: Ah, that’s too bad.

 

Ben walks off, snickering to himself as Jack attempts to get up. Crazy helps him up as Bullet, sensing the attack is over, gets up himself. The two men feebly attempt to make an attempt at fighting, but as footsteps become louder and louder, they scream in terror and collapse as Ben comes back into view.

 

Ben: Sorry, forgot my note pad.

 

Axis: Woo, what a ride. Good thing Thug was here to save the day from a potentially boring match.

 

CC: Yes, let us all thank Thug. OH MY GOD! Here she comes!

 

Axis: AHHHH! Damn it Comet. Don’t scare me like that. Say, I wonder who set her, or the newbies up like that?

 

CC: We shall never know my friend. We’ve got some good matches, after the break!

 

Mirage wipes to commercial as Comet tries to hold back his laughter.

 

Low Brass vs. Triple E

 

Axis: Welcome back to IGNJL Crimson! I just want to personally apologize in advance for the upcoming match, it seemed to be thrown together at the last second by the bookers. That’s what you get when the top guys get injured, you have to put jobbers like these two in the upper mid-card. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry, but we’ve got Low Brass versus Triple E. It’s going to be very sad indeed.

 

Riley: Now, now, shut up. No one wants to hear you blabber on, unless it’s to drone out this match, but I’m sure no body wants to see this thing.

 

Axis: You’re right, I think I’ll drink some delicious Pepsi Max© full of tryptophan to help me sleep.

 

Riley: Tryptophan? Is that the same stuff in turkey and milk that makes people drowsy?

 

Axis: It sure is.

 

Riley: Can I have some, PLEASE? I really don’t want to witness this match! I’ll do anything to get out of it!

 

Axis: Too bad, you’ll have to sit it out. Now, if you’ll excuse me…ZZZZZZZZ

 

As Axis falls into a deep slumber, Funyon makes his way into the ring to introduce the participants.

 

Funyon: Ladies and jellyfish, the following match is for one fall, and really should be on something like Jakked that nobody watches, but nevertheless, I must introduce the two people involved. First, from uh, Alaska or something, probably a member of some stable, Triple E!

 

The word ‘Mush!’ is said repeatedly over the speakers and Trip comes out, being pulled by a dog sled full of Chihuahuas, which is, as expected, moving extremely slow. Fed up with their sluggish pace, Trip gets off the sled and walks the remaining way to the ring as the Chihuahuas yap incessantly.

 

Funyon: And his opponent guy, from that place that is not where this guy is from (Pointing to Triple E), uh, Lobe Wrass! I mean, Low Brass!

 

The sounds of tubas, baritones, trombones, contrabasses, and other bass clef instruments are heard playing random scales while LB makes his way out, Thug, rather scantily clad, draped all over him! Low Brass walks down to the ring and waits for Thug, who is having a pre-match snack of the lead Chihuahua before both enter the ring. LB pulls the ref over, whispers something in his ear and slips him what looks like a coupon for a free month to HVT’s porn site and exits the ring. The ref, after taking about a millisecond to contemplate Low Brass’ offer, quickly pulls Funyon over and says something to him.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match, on orders from Pimp-Daddy Low Brass is now an inter-gender match between Triple E, and Thug!

 

Riley: AXIS! WAKE UP!

 

Axis: Wha? Did I just hear Thug’s name? It can’t be, she’s back!

 

Riley: And she’s in action right here, tonight against Triple E!

 

Axis: May God have mercy on his soul.

 

Triple E, well aware of Thug’s reputation, is already in the fetal position on the mat, cowering. As the bell rings, LB makes a cutthroat motion, and the lights go out. High pitched squeals, shouts, and the sound of bone cracking can be heard continuously for upwards of five minutes before the lights come back on and Thug is standing above a twitching Trip, blood flowing from his head and Thug’s entire face. Thug makes a nonchalant cover and the ref quickly goes for the count:

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

THREE! The ref pops up and calls for the bell as Low Brass enters the ring, applauding Thug’s actions.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, THUG!

 

LB is shocked by what is said and quickly rushes to Funyon and after exchanging words, Funyon makes another announcement.

 

Funyon: Ahem, the winner, Low Brass! (Funyon mutters under his breath) Run boy, run for your life, she’s going to kill you.

 

Thug, upon hearing the new winner, lunges on LB, who is taken off guard. The lights go dim once again, and even higher pitched squealing is heard for a few minutes before the lights come back with an even bloodier Thug who pins LB. The ref makes a count:

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

THREE! The ref calls for the bell as Thug begins dragging the unconscious forms of LB and Trip back up the ramp.

 

Funyon: Ahem, the true winner, and always, the greatest, THUG!

 

Axis: WHOO! Thug, back in action, doing what she does best, saving crap-fests from pulling down ratings. Next, some match, I don’t know who, because it’s THUG!

 

 

Sad thing is, some of these were better than normal matches I wrote in the beginning of my career, hell, even better than some I wrote towards the end.

[Guest redbaron51]

lol that's so funny