An old rant of mine

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

ok.. circa September 2001

 

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Tape #1: WWF Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest

 

-Hosted by Jesse Ventura, from 1985

 

-We start off with clips of guys, such as Andre, Patera, midgets, Atlas (holy shit! get off the Roids Tony!) and other guys

 

-Andre the Giant v. Samoan #3. You try naming a Samoan. Lockup, #3 into a corner, #3 trys some kind of offense and it looks like Andre had a ARMBAR on. #3 behind Andre, BAD IDEA. #3 flys and that is all for this.

 

-Clips of Bobo Brazil, do the Coco BUTT! Brazil is doing his 'cool in the 60s' offense to Blassie.

 

-Clips of Haystacks Calhoun. Guess how he died kiddies! It appears that somebody is selling for the big guy in overalls in a six-man

 

-Clips of Ernie Ladd. Ladd, of course, is very fucking tall. Or the jobbers are short. Ladd is taking on Jobboan #3 and Frank Williams.

 

-Clips of Ivan Koloff.

 

-Clips of Gorilla Monsoon, put a shirt on Gino! as he finishes Caveman jobber #3 with a splash.

 

-Clips of Blackjack Mulligan, who is the father of Barry Windham, Mulligan is on Piper's Pit.

 

-Clips of Big John Studd v. Hulk Hogan. KILL ME! KILL ME! STUDD SUCKS! I'm sorry, don't canonize him. Hogan is in at *364*lbs here. Hogan does a shoulderblock and Studd no-sells. Slams exchanged without success. Studd's gimmick sucked.

 

-Clips of Nikolai Volkoff. Sing the anthem! no.. he is gonna beat some jobber in a tag match.

 

-Clips of King Kong Bundy. Bundy is with Jimmy Hart here, when did that partnership end? Bundy stands, and his opponent sells around him. His opponent is Tony Garea.

 

-Clips of Hillbilly Jim, as Ventura makes a death threat to us.. err.. no.. he just says that a cassette will come out about Jim and Elmer. Jesus christ.. that does not sound good. Jim makes Rene Goulet sell for him and finishes him with the BEARHUG OF DOOM! Hillbilly Jim is shown on Piper's pit. Man, I just know Orton looks like a western star or a Blazing Saddles guy, help me. Hillbilly Jim introduces Uncle Elmer. Stan Frazier must have been 45 by then.

 

-Clips of midgets. Man, did they have lame gimmicks or what? if these midgets weren't bald, people would confuse them for children.

 

-More clips of Midgets. I'd take Mexican midgets, thank you very much. Haiti Kid (from Haiti) and Tiger Jackson (from Florida) take on some guy and Dana Carpenter, Carpenter looks like he is just 15 years old and not a midget. Jackson hits a f-ed up flying headscissors and a f-ed up splash. Then again, where can you train a midget?

 

-More clips of Midgets. One is a fat Indian midget with a mohawk, two of them have heads of hair. Man, this crowd is quiet. Must be everybody getting drinks. One midget bites the other midget on the ass, hilarity ensues. Little Beaver unleashes the Little Press Slam for a win.

 

-More fucking midgets. Don't put all of these on at once. Wait.. this better not have gone 45 minutes. But the ref is a drunk and makes sure this match DOESN'T END. Count the pin. Vince McMahon is easily amused by little men chasing each other. Little Brutus and Sky Lo Lo get the win at 42:22

 

-Clips of the Rugged Russians. Rugged Russians my ass! more like Crazy Cardinals!

 

-Clips of the Canadian Wolfman, who I think jobbed to Monsoon and he is facing Gorilla now. Canadian Wolfman, who comes from the caves of Canada.

 

-Clips of Pampero Firpo. He sure has alot of hair. Firpo supposedly spoke six languages.

 

-Clips of Luke Graham. Who also has alot of hair and is fat. GRAND WIZARD OF WRESTLING!

 

-Vince McMahon interviews THE GRAND WIZARD! and Crazy Luke Graham, Wizard is the man. There is a good reason why Luke had a mouthpiece. Wizard is undoubtedly the man. The Grand Wizard is the manager of champions, ya know. Vince accuses Wizard of planting the sign. Pot, meet Kettle.

 

-Clips of Mad Dog Vachon, who is a "cult hero" in Minnesota. I wonder why???? Must be his Always Watchable Amusing-times. Vachon is taking on Buddy Colt here. If Albert was born 15 years earlier, he would be a Vachon.

 

-Clips of Lord Alfred Hayes having tea with the British Bulldogs, Mr. Fuji and Moondog Spot. Feel the hilarity! Feel the amusement as Moondog Spot smashes stuff. Nice suit Vince.

 

-Clips of Mil Mascaras. Mascaras wrestles "only occiasonally" in 1985.

 

-Clips of Captain Lou Albano. Good deal that Vince Jr. hated him.

 

-Clips of Nikolai Volkoff. Nikolai SINGS THE ANTHEM!

 

-Clips of WWF guys with odd clothes. Adonis (dog collar), Sheik (pointy boots), Brutus Beefcake (original face), Junk Yard Dog (chain), Strongbows and Hogan. Why Hogan? because it's either this or Hogan in the midget part. Piper, Jimmy Hart, Blassie, Lauper, Valentine, Heenan, Johnny Valiant (did Vince hate him also?), Moolah, The Moondogs and Ventura (duh).

 

-Clips of Patera, Heenan, Big John Studd (boo!) and Vince with some poor sap. Heenan is doing the hair for this guy. The poor guy gets his clothes wet and shaved.

 

-Clips of Mad Maxine, 6'4" my ass! although Maxine didn't last.

 

-Clips of the one time this man showed up in the WWF, THE MISSING LINK! What an interesting gimmick, and alot of facepaint. You are the missing link, kissyourcareer goodbye!

 

-Some clips of George Steele, George Steele uses the padding, as he beats on the Brooklyn Brawler. George Steele still wants to wrestle to show that the new kids "can't work". Fuck off George.

 

-Clips of Bepo the Mongol is shown. Bepo went on to sing the Anthem in the 80s.

 

-Clips of Putski-Ventura. This is an arm-wrestling match and it ends like EVERY SINGLE ARM WRESTLING MATCH IN HISTORY HAS ENDED. It ends with the heel KOing the face. But, after massive stalling. Ventura chairs Putski after some more stalling and suspense. And the Polish wanted revenge on Jesse Ventura.

 

-The Iron Sheik has the Persian Clubs. Sheik is also speaking another language, uh, I think he is.

 

-Big John Dudd (tm John McAdam) is with Vince. He roided up to 380lbs for today. DUDD is going for lifting 630lbs, then for lifting over 690lbs. His gimmick sucked. DUDD is now going for 700lbs, how much did Bravo lift? (he was only Canada's strongest man). DUDD is unable to lift 700lbs.

 

-We go to Bruno on TNT (oh him and Vince, those crazy kids!), DUDD comes out and tries it again. DUDD lifts "700" pounds. As John McAdam said 'Who was the worst- Studd, Ivan Putski, or George Steele? To me, they all sucked equally in the ring, but at least Steele has a gimmick and Putski had charisma- leaving Studd the Thud as the worst.'

 

-Clips of Tony Atlas (nice body Tony, get off the roids now). Patera is also around as he does some bumps. Patera and Heenan must have gone to the same barber.

 

-Now in the ring with Vince, Ken Patera. Patera is gonna drive a spike thru some wood. Patera isn't that charismatic. Patera does drive the spike thru the walnut, as he wants Vince to give that to the fans, uh.. bad idea. Patera talks about his 'hand strength'. Put your own dirty joke in here.

 

-Ken Patera bends a spike in half.

 

-Ken Patera will now throw a rock thru the window at McDonalds.

 

-Oh, just kidding.

 

-Patera will blow up a hot water bottle and pop it. He does it, sorta.

 

-Now, Ken Patera wants Vince McMahon to drive a van at him so he can hold it back with his legs. Hayes warns Patera about Vince's driving. So, Patera will put a pillow between his back and the wall and he will put his feet against the bumper and hold it back. You are no Magnus Von Magnusison buddy. As Patera puts his foot on a slow moving van, and then he puts both feet on. KILL HIM VINCE! but Patera shakes a bit as smoke comes out. Vince's foot got "stuck" on the accelorator.

 

-That's all folks!

 

-This take is only good if you like this, if you want to see alot of Big John Studd or if you have a robot friend that can satirize this with you.

 

-and we close with an advertisement for Best of the WWF Vol IV, advertising Hogan-Snuka/Orndorff-Orton. An add for 'WWF, The Managers' with Hart, Heenan, WIZARD!, Albano and Blassie. Another ad for "Wrestling's Country Boys", featuring the Hillbillies. Harley Davison and Elmer talk. Then, DUDD v. ELMER. CHRIST! That's inhuman to take!

 

-In closing, I demand more of the Grand Wizard and less of Big John Studd. But a video of Patera squishing soap with his hands in prison must be scary.

 

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