From the Vaults! Outcast Vs Heat - Get Off My Lawn

[Guest Divefire]

From the mists of time, back when I ran things and Outcast actually wrote matches, I bring you the first ever, Get Off My Lawn Match! Read it, Heat will love you for doing so...

 

 

 

IGNWF Countdown, coming to you live from the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington, opens with a blast... Pyros of almost every color fill the entrance ramp, shoot up to the opening in the curtain, then explode in a flurry of intensity... The crowd is fired up for quite a night of wrestling, and they wave signs in hopes that the camera will pick them up... Sure enough, as the camera pans around, several signs are very visible... Notables include:

 

"I SpElL mY nAmE wItH a K sO i'M KOOL!!!"

 

"R1\3y 0wnz j00!1!!!!11!"

 

"Stubby is my father!! Oh wait, he's a virgin..."

 

The camera continues to pan around the frenzied fans for a few more seconds, then comes to rest down by our loyal announcers, NTD and Curry Man...

 

"Welcome everybody to IGNWF Count-down!!! We're merely an hour away from the biggest pay per view in the IGNWF's history... CROSSFIRE!!" Screams Curry Man, trying to pump up himself as well as the fans at home.

 

"That's right, Curry... we're but an hour away from the show where the world title vacancy will be filled by either Stubby "Pots" McWeed... or Bobby Riley! Both men are fighting for the approval of someone who seems to be the least popular man in the wrestling world today, Jayson Grant." NTD begins.

 

"All of a sudden, the most loved man in the IGNWF is seduced by the devil, also known as Jayson Grant. For those of you that didn't know, Stubby has fallen short of the IGNWF title quite a few times. In a move of either desperation or calculated... uh... turntable-...ism, Stubby has turned... the tables on the fans and aligned himself with Mr. Grant..." Stammers Curry Man

 

"I think we need to work on that before the actual show starts..." NTD says.

 

A pause...

 

"Agreed. Well, OKAY! The first match of IGNWF Countdown is a unique one, and one we may never see in the IGNWF again. We have Outcast and Heat... in a 'Get off my lawn' match." Curry Man edicts.

 

"This one apparently came to be when Outcast coined the phrase 'Get off my lawn', or at least stole it cleanly from NRG of the FWF, and began telling everyone in the backstage area to get off his lawn. After a heated debate with... erm... Heat, the former JL superstar and current WF jobber asked for this match against the unbooked former ICTV champion." Summarizes NTD.

 

"I don't know exactly how this match works, but..." Curry Man starts before he is interrupted as...

 

The lights dim as Heat’s voice says, “Turn up the heat” over the PA and “Hot to Death” picks up over the speakers. The lights begin to flash along with the word Heat on the IGNTron screen in red as he makes his down the ramp.

 

"This unique, 'Get off my lawn' match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Chapel Hill, North Carolina... weighing in at 225 pounds... HEAT!" Screams Funyon as the crowd cheers.

 

Heat arrives at the ring, where he climbs up onto the apron and steps over the second ropes, entering the squared circle. Heat pulls himself onto the second rope at the corner with his arms down at his sides as the lights resume their normal brightness.

 

"What an entrance to this edition of IGNWF Countdown! I can't wait to hear the ovation when..."

 

Suddenly, the lights fade out and the arena is pitch black. Out of nowhere, a searingly bright light quickly flashes from the stage area, only to be followed by darkness... the crowd is in a sense of awe as they look at the completely black stage area... once again, the white light returns, beginning a pulse of blinding light from the stage area...

 

"Is this a dream...?"

 

All of a sudden, the white lights fire up on the stage, accompanied by an eruption of white pyros igniting the stage area...

 

"One, two... One, two... One, two, what the F*CK YOU GONNA DO?!?"

 

All of a sudden, spotlights begin swirling around the crowd as "Trust" by Limp Bizkit kicks up in the background!

 

"And his opponent... from Springfield, Virginia, weighing in at 214 pounds... OUTCAST!" Screams Funyon.

 

However, Outcast does not appear at the top of the ramp. Instead, the IGNtron lights up over the stage, and Outcast appears on there holding a... garden hoe and standing next to a soda machine!

 

"Damn peddler... why should we start in the ring? I mean, it just wastes all that effort... if you want to fight, you're gonna have to come find me!" Outcast laughs, the IGNtron continuing to focus on him.

 

Heat does not like this at all. He grudgingly strolls out of the ring, then begins to walk up the ramp purposefully. The crowd stirs as Heat seems to know right where Outcast is... He exits through the curtain, and the crowd is forced to watch on the IGNtron... with a cameraman behind him, Heat storms around in the backstage. He passes into a hallway with a string of locker rooms, sees a weed whacker on the floor near a soda machine, then takes off running toward the end of the hall! He runs around the soda machine... but sees nothing! He looks around... and is smashed in the face by a door that says "Men's" on it! Outcast launches himself out of the room and plasters Heat in the face with a garden hoe!!

 

"You's a hoe..." NTD jokes.

 

"HOE!!!!" Responds the crowd behind him.

 

After being plastered by the garden hoe, Heat crawls over to a room and opens the door as Outcast waits for him to stand up. When he opens the door, which says "Rane and Azul" on it, he pauses. On the couch is a young lady, presumably Azul, wearing nothing but a bra and panties, being fed Kit Kats by her suitor!

 

"SHE'S NOT WEARING PANTS!!!! AAAH!!!!" Screams NTD truimphantly.

 

Azul screams, her semi-nakedness very obvious at this point. Rane, who luckily is fully clothed, puts a robe around his sweetheart and then stands up with a fire in his eyes...

 

"Oh... this doesn't look good for Heat. I think he caught Azul and Rane at a very, very bad time..." Curry Man alludes.

 

The camera shifts back to Outcast again.

 

"Heh... you're screwed, Heat." He laughs as he slams the locker room door.

 

All that can be seen is Outcast laughing his ass off. However, it is quite obvious what is happening inside with the sound effects. A girly yell, presumably Heat's, follows the sound of breaking glass. Then, a slam against a wall after a loud yell from Rane. Soon after that, Heat's body goes flying through a new door. That new door used to be a section of the wall. Heat, with plaster and glass all over him, lays in pain in the middle of the hallway...

 

"Oh, God... That was a look inside Rane's life that I really, really didn't need to see. Obviously, neither did Heat." Curry Man summarizes.

 

"She wasn't wearing pants... hee hee..." NTD chuckles scarily.

 

Outcast sits there laughing his ass off as Heat makes his way to his feet. Outcast adjusts as Heat takes a running start at him, and ends up ducking the jobber, who was carrying a large piece of plaster. Heat goes flying into the women's bathroom! A series of screams ensues as Outcast laughs again. The former ICTV champion quickly follows Heat into the bathroom, as does the camera.

 

"God... the censors are going to MURDER us..." Curry Man mudders.

 

Outcast, barely containing his laughter, grabs Heat by the hair and opens a stall. A woman sits on the toilet, then screams as she pulls her pants up and Outcast lets her exit.

 

"MORE NUDITY!! AAH!!!" Shills NTD.

 

The woman exits, but she doesn't flush the toilet. As Outcast smashes Heat's head into the side of the stall (leading to more womanly screams, including Heat's), he dunks Heat's head into the dirty toilet and flushes the toilet...

 

"SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!! SWIRLIE!!!" Screams NTD, doing his best JR impression.

 

Heat coughs violently after tasting the urine, but Outcast certainly isn't done. He grabs Heat by the back, then throws him into the entrance of the bathroom. He then opens the door, tosses him out, and hears a loud crash!!!

 

"You know, I don't think Outcast's wife will appreciate him going into the women's bathroom..." Curry Man mudders.

 

"What the hell did Heat run into out in the hall?" Wonders NTD.

 

As Outcast and the cameraman make their way out into the hall, they see Heat with one foot sticking out of a locker room, obviously laying on his back, and a golf cart going down the hallway...

 

"LUCKY BASTARD!!" Yells one of the runaway golf carters...

 

"I think that was the Midnight Carnival golf cart! We'll see them later on tonight as they square off against Prime Evil and the Phoenix Uprising in a battle for the stables title!" Plugs Curry Man.

 

"Whose locker room is Heat in now?!?" Asks NTD, as the camera focuses in on the name: Jayson Grant.

 

Outcast strolls inside of the room, and sees the commissioner/owner sitting at the coffee table with... a homeless man... playing bridge.

 

"I'm not even gonna ask..." Outcast says worriedly. He grabs Heat by the hair and brings him out of the room.

 

"What the hell was Mr. Grant doing with a bum?!? Is that a new aquisition?!?" Wonders NTD.

 

"...ANYWAYS, Outcast brings Heat out into the hallway..." Curry Man answers.

 

Indeed he does. Outcast, tired of finding surprises behind every door, brings Heat toward the soda machine, which reads "Pepsi MAX". Heat has his head slammed into it, and it startles him when it seems to emit...

 

"I AM CYCLO..."

 

Both men immediately run, fast, away from the soda machine.

 

"What the hell is going on in this match?!?" Curry Man wonders.

 

"I have no freaking clue, but it's pretty damn hilarious... Poor Heat." NTD answers.

 

They go the other way, as Outcast knows another way to the back door of the arena. However, since Heat is struggling to get away from Outcast, he decides to try one more locker room. He throws Heat into the locker room that reads... Wild Cards. Inside is Grimedogg and Andrea Montgomery, looking into each other's eyes...

 

"DAMN YOU!! I WAS GONNA WIN THAT ONE!" Grimedogg yells.

 

"Hah! I'm still the staring contest CHAMPION!" Cheers Andrea.

 

"YOU BASTARD! I SHOULD HAVE WON!" Grimedogg screams in the direction of Heat.

 

Grimedogg jumps out of his chair and runs at Heat.

 

"No... NO!! OUTCAST THREW ME IN HERE, I DIDN'T MEAN..." Pleads Heat.

 

Outcast shrugs his shoulders, and that's enough to have Grimedogg attack the former JL superstar. Grimedogg rips off Heat's shirt... revealing a bra.

 

"What the..." Says basically everyone in the arena.

 

"I can expla..." Heat starts, but immediately gets kicked in the face by Andrea.

 

Outcast shakes Grimedogg's hand as they both laugh, and then pulls Heat out into the hallway. He leads him up the hall, away from the now glowing soda machine, where he holds Heat in the hallway as the Midnight Carnival golf cart goes by once again and smacks the jobber across the hall.

 

"WEE!!! THIS IS FUN!!!" Screams Chris Raynor, who came up with the golf cart idea in the first place.

 

"Why is the ride so bumpy whenever we go through this hallway, though?" Wonders the King of Hearts.

 

"LUCKY BASTARD!!!!" Screams Spark for no apparent reason.

 

Outcast waves at the passers-by, after they helped him wear down Heat once again. Outcast, now looking to finish this match quickly, carries Heat down the main hallway, not the locker room hallway. They reach a room that contains a large door with an exit sign on it, and a weed whacker on the floor... Outcast starts up the weed whacker and brings it toward Heat's face...

 

"If you don't get the f*ck off my lawn, right now, I'm gonna whack your nose off thrice!" Screams Outcast.

 

Realizing defeat, a bloodied, battered, urine scented, women's undergarment wearing Heat crawls slowly toward the exit, pushes the door open, and exits the arena... The bell rings!!

 

"Here is your winner... OUTCAST!" Screams Funyon, as the crowd laughs in the background.

 

"Trust" by Limp Bizkit kicks up as Outcast laughs his ass off as well, and makes his way back to his personal locker room...

 

"Coming up next, we have a one time only match with the H-Ville Thug squaring off against Grunge..." Curry Man leads into the next match.

 

IGNWF Countdown fades into a commercial as the crowd continues to laugh, and "Trust" continues to blare over the loudspeaker...