The greatest fan fiction ever

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

From the Fan Fiction site

 

Part 1:

 

Author: Jazzmaster - PG - English - Humor - Reviews: 11 1. Defections2. The Search for the Warrior3. The Happy Couple

 

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Vince McMahon sat at one of his many homes, on one of his many chairs, and one of his many wives, Linda McMahon, walked into the room. He heard her coming in the door and called:

 

"Stacy, is that you?" Linda walked in and folded her arms. She stared at him for several minutes.

 

"Oh, uh, of course not. I knew it was you all along. You know you're the only woman for me. Especially now I've taken myself off of TV in order to once again become the genetic jackhammer and get us another kid," said Vince. "Quite frankly, I don't think the ones we have know are good enough. So until we can have a better child, I've adopted Eric Bischoff as our new son. I've left him running RAW. Stephanie can run Smackdown! until she supplies us with a grandchild, then she will be removed from the family. I might give Shane a job running Heat, just because I don't like him at all."

 

Linda shook her head and walked out, having had her vocal chords surgically removed to prevent her from ever speaking in her awful voice ever again.

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, at the WWE-bat-cave, new GM of RAW Eric Bischoff sat plotting his evil schemes. All of a sudden Stephanie McMahon walked through the door and started laughing.

 

"How did you manage to infiltrate the bat-cave?" asked Bischoff.

 

"I was let in by RAW security, who are all defecting to Smackdown. Along with the woman who collects the coffee mugs from backstage after each show," said Steph, who was grinning inanely.

 

"No! You can't take Betty! I will knock you out! I WILL knock you out! I will KNOCK you out! I will knock YOU out! I will knock you OUT!"

 

 

 

 

 

HHH walked the corridors of the arena RAW was being held at. He saw Y2J and immediately thought up 20 new ways of holding back his career. He had to admit, getting Bischoff to put him with Test and Christian had been a great idea. He almost felt sorry for Jericho. Almost. Then he would remember that Jericho had talent but wasn't HHH, so the remorse faded and he realised that was what Jericho deserved. He turned the corner and saw Rob Van Dam. He immediately thought up 5 ways of holding him back. Put him in a tag team with Spike Dudley sounded the best, so he went off to tell Bischoff.

 

 

 

Meanwhile Ric Flair sat in his dressing room, wondering why he hadn't retired yet. Still, he had a feud with Jericho coming up, which guaranteed him many wins.

 

 

 

Matt Hardy sat in his dressing room, wondering why HE hadn't retired yet. He felt he wasn't being taken seriously enough. All he seemed able to do was wish his brother Jeff good luck. He never seemed to get any matches. Jeff put his head into the dressing room.

 

"Well, I'm heading out for my big match tonight," said Jeff.

 

"Good luck, bro," said Matt.

 

 

 

RAW went on the air, and fans watching on TV at home were horrified when Eric Bischoff's face came up with a ridiculous grin on it. Eric Bischoff came out and told everyone he was going to knock Stephanie McMahon out, then left. When he arrived backstage he was surprised to see Mae Young and Moolah had arrived. He panicked. The truth could come out. They were heading for the ring. It was time for Eric to take drastic action.

 

 

 

Moolah started talking about her new book and she was surprised when the fans all started to boo her. Surely old people were funny? Surely they made great TV? No-one booed Hogan or Flair, did they? Suddenly, the Island Boys came running down to the ring and assaulted the two ladies. Eric Bischoff breathed a sigh of relief. Know no-one would know that he was really the father of Mae Young's glove.

 

 

 

HHH came out to the ring to talk for awhile, talking about people not wanting to relinquish the spotlight when their time was over. He couldn't understand why everyone was laughing, and furrowed his brow. He decided he would have to talk to Bischoff and ban fans from attending shows.

 

 

 

 

 

In the back, HBK had been viciously attacked. No-one knew who the culprit was, but fingers were pointed at Coach. Coach strongly denied the allegations, saying he had been with a cow all evening.

 

 

 

 

 

After, Coach and Rock filmed the latest edition of their new sitcom. Coach did a funny dance while Rock stood staring at him like Coach was an absolute retard. The episode ended when a cow fell on Coach's head. He was rushed to hospital with serious injuries.

 

 

 

Big Show told everyone he was going to become a huge name in the business once again. He told everyone he was going to get a feud with someone he could actually get wins over. Chris Jericho and Brooklin Brawler were suggested as possible opponents for this.

 

 

 

Bischoff put the phone down. He had only managed to get Stone Cold's machine again. Austin had disappeared along with Debra. Perhaps if he stopped telling them he would knock them out they would call him back. In the meantime he called Goldberg again.

 

To be continued...

 

Part 2:

 

Author: Jazzmaster - PG - English - Humor - Reviews: 11 1. Defections2. The Search for the Warrior3. The Happy Couple

 

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Bischoff continued his journey through the desert. He had been travelling on for so long now. This was what he had been reduced to. Austin and Goldberg weren't answering his calls. There was only one option left. He needed to find... The Ultimate Warrior.

 

 

 

Hollywood Hulk Hogan was sitting next to the phone, wondering why it had taken so many years for the producers to call and ask him to star in 'Mr Nanny 2'. Any minute now he knew the call would come. Any minute. Jamie Noble burst into Hogan's dressing room. He had lost the 'K' from his name and wondered if Hogan knew what had happened to it.

 

"Where's my damn Special 'K', boy!?" screamed Noble.

 

"Boy?" said Hogan. "I'm several decades older than you...brother."

 

"Shut your mouth, boy!"

 

 

 

Michael Cole And Tazz sat watching the scene on the big screen. Tazz felt bad for Noble - he had gained a 'Z' from no-where, so he knew how bad it felt to inexplicably have your name changed.

 

 

 

Off camera, Paul Heyman was trying desperately to teach Brock Lesnar how to not talk like a wuss all the time. He wasn't having much success.

 

 

 

At last, after all the searching, Bischoff had found the Ultimate Warrior. The Warrior was sitting alone in the desert, surrounded by nothing but sand. He was shaking violently.

 

"Hey, Jim, how are you?"

 

"'Jim' is an unnecessary extension of my existence. I am The Ultimate Warrior!" The Warrior stood up then, and ran away. He didn't stop. Bischoff just stood, watching him go.

 

 

 

At the home of Kevin Nash, the man himself lay in bed thinking about his injury. He should never have tried to run. He just wasn't up to it. Then he heard the voice of Vince McMahon. It seemed to be inside his head.

 

"Run Kevin, run!" Nash knew what he had to do. He got out of bed, and ran out of the house, and down the street, and just kept on running.

 

 

 

Back at one of Vince's homes, Vince was in his bedroom waiting for Dawn Marie. She arrived and called up to him.

 

"I'm here, Vince," she said loudly.

 

"Come on up, Dawn. I've got a big surprise for you. The 'Next Big' surprise."

 

 

 

Bischoff was still standing, but by now he was starting to realise that the Warrior wasn't coming back.

 

"I will knock you out!" he shouted.

 

 

 

 

 

Dawn went into Vince's bedroom, and was somewhat surprised to see Big Show standing next to Vince.

 

"Surprise!" they both said.

 

 

 

Smackdown went on the air. Rock didn't bother showing up and spent the day in the park with Coach. He threw Coach into the pond and repeatedly called him a 'sick freak'. Coach tried not to cry, but it was hard, oh so hard. The Rock put a duck on Coach's head and ordered Coach to dance.

 

"Please, no-more..."

 

"Do it before The Rock lays the smack down on your candy ass!" Coach did as he was told. He wished he was dead.

 

 

 

Chavo Guarrero Jnr sat nervously in the back. There were rumours that a monster was going around changing wrestler's names. Jamie Noble and Tazz had been victims, and now Rey Mysterio had lost the 'Jnr' from his name. What if Chavo was next? He had to get out of the arena. Fast.

 

 

 

Mark Lloyd wandered around backstage aimlessly, trying to find a friend. That was all he wanted, just one friend. He found Mike Awesome, who looked very sad and lonely. He sat down next to them, and they spent the rest of the show looking very depressed.

 

 

 

Batista had barricaded the door to his dressing room. The monster had already stolen the 'Deacon' from his name - he wasn't about to lose the 'Batista' as well.

 

 

 

Coach took a break from the 'Coachy and Rocky' show to record the latest edition of 'Bottom Line'.

 

"We all know it's summer, and that means two things: hot woman and ice cream! And Trish Stratus is certainly that: ice cream! No wait..."

 

 

 

Chris Benoit and Eddie Guarrero wondered where there old radical buddy Dean Malenko had gone. He hadn't been seen in some time now. No-one wondered where Perry Saturn was.

 

Miles away, in an underground layer, Dean Malenko, the James Bond of the WWE was trapped on an operating table. Dr Evil stood next to it, one finger in his mouth.

 

"Do you expect me to talk?" asked Malenko.

 

"No, Mr Malenko, I expect you to get torn in two by the laser I am just about to activate."

 

Dr Evil turned on a laser. Malenko's legs were open, and the laser slowly moved up towards his privates.

 

"Now I will leave and assume that you died." Dr Evil left. The laser moved very slowly towards Malenko. He tried to think of a way to escape. The laser would take several minutes at the slow rate it was moving at.

 

 

 

Rikishi walked the corridors, desperately trying to find his storylines. They must have been misplaced somewhere.

 

 

 

Dr Evil returned to find Malenko torn in two. He couldn't understand how he hadn't escaped.

 

 

 

On his way out of the desert Eric noticed a table which had bottled water on it. He took a bottle, opened it and gulped it down. It tasted funny. He checked the label. It read 'Ultimate Sweat: Genuine Sweat of the Ultimate Warrior! 20 dollars a bottle!" Eric choked.

 

Part 3:

 

Author: Jazzmaster - PG - English - Humor - Reviews: 11 1. Defections2. The Search for the Warrior3. The Happy Couple

 

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Raw goes on the air and Eric Bischoff wastes no time in going out to the ring.

 

"I have great news for all you fans of RAW! After relentless negotiating, I have signed a huge name exclusively to the RAW brand! Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to the man who is going to help me knock Smackdown out, I give you: Mr Harvey Whippleman!"

 

Former manager Harvey Whippleman comes out as the crowd just laughs. Bischoff is about to speak again but is interrupted as Stephanie McMahon walks out.

 

"Security, get her out of my arena, now!" cried Bischoff. Stephanie took the microphone from him and laughed.

 

"Remember Eric, security is now exclusive to Smackdown!" said Stepahnie.

 

"Good lord King, she's right, dammit!" yelled JR, waving his arms and indeed his whole body around in a frenzy.

 

"Besides, I booked this ring for my wedding, you see Harvey didn't agree to be here tonight to become a part of RAW, he is here for his and my wedding!" said Steph.

 

"That's right big nose," said Harvey to Eric.

 

Big Show came out and announced he was now a minister then married Stephanie and Whippleman.

 

"Well, me and my new husband are leaving and I hope you all tune in to Smackdown! to see the beginning of the McMahon-Whippleman era!" said Steph, before leaving.

 

 

 

 

 

Matt Hardy was lying asleep in the back. He was having a bad nightmare and was tossing and turning.

 

"Good luck, bro... good luck bro... good luck bro..." Jeff woke him up.

 

"Hey, wake up Matt" he said.

 

"Huh? Is it time for our match?" asked Matt.

 

"No, you don't have a match. It's time for you to wish me good luck."

 

"Good luck bro."

 

Jeff Hardy went out for a match against Test, which was really a guaranteed Jeff Hardy victory. However Jeff was stunned when Matt appeared at ringside with a big axe.

 

"Bro, don't attack Test with an axe," said Jeff.

 

"I'm not going to attack TEST with an axe," said Matt with an evil look on his face. Jeff jumped over the top rope and the barricade and ran through the crowd as the now deranged Matt Hardy chased him.

 

 

 

Bubba Ray wasn't coping well with the loss of his brother. He now only got by because of his undying belief that Spike Dudley was in fact D-Von and the Dudleyz were still together.

 

 

 

Rumours that Brock Lesnar had bought two ringside tickets for RAW were unfounded. He had been given them for free by officials desperate to make the arena look less empty.

 

 

 

HBK came out to do a promo for his big Summerslam match.

 

"Now I hope MY SON CAMERON is watching me right now. At Summerslam I intend to teach HHH a lesson, and MY SON CAMERON will see what a real man looks like. I will once again, one more time become the icon, the showstopper, and MY SON CAMERON will see that. I want everyone to know, and I want MY SON CAMERON to know that I won't be the man I once was. I don't want anyone, especially not MY SON CAMERON..." This continued for eight more minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

Bradshaw came out and said he had a serious drinking problem. There was no beer in the arena and he had spent all his money calling Farooq.

 

 

 

 

 

Y2J came out and said from now on he would be known as "Doink the Clown 2J". He was dressed in clown make-up and an outfit reminiscent of Doink. HHH laughed evilly and congratulated Bischoff on giving Jericho the right gimmick, then congratulated himself for coming up with the idea.

 

 

 

 

 

Shawn Stasiak came out and announced since his Planet Stasiak gimmick had been unsuccessful he was now going to become an American Badass, until Undertaker came out and made Shawn wet his pants. He decided to return to being 'Meat' instead.

 

 

 

Tony Schiavone sat at home watching old tapes of WCW and constantly pointing at the screen and telling his wife that this was the best Nitro ever. For each Nitro he put on. This continued until his wife left him. Tony didn't even notice, he just kept watching as tears formed in his eyes at the happy memories of WCW...

 

 

 

Howard Finkel came out and acted much more evil than was normal for him. He brutally murdered several fans which prompted a few boos from the rest of the crowd followed by an unflattering chant. However this was soon forgotten as Fink returned to his announcing duties and began acting nice again. During the break he held up a framed picture of The Rock and encouraged everyone in the arena to run and buy it. He also told them they were one of the best crowds the WWE had ever worked with, prompting huge cheers.

 

 

 

"Calm down man, we can work this out, just please don't do this..." said Jeff Hardy to his brother. They were standing on a bridge, looking down at the river, and Matt Hardy had most of Jeff's body in chains.

 

"I just have one thing to say... good luck bro," said Matt before throwing his brother in.

 

I'm gonna knock you out!

[Guest Fort Detrick]

And the truth shall set you free.

[Guest DeputyHawk]

I'm probably being very stupid, but what fan fiction site? This stuff is great.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

The same fan fiction site that lets me post this stuff of my own on it.

 

The story of mine is "Bischoff knocks Stephanie out"

 

It's fanfiction.net

[Guest HartFan86]

Oh my GOD! The Bischoff stuff was fucking classic. The HHH and Hardy Boys stuff was fucking great as well. That was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Someone needs to do Part 4.

[Guest TheRockIsTheEuropeanChampion]

When I saw the topic, I was terribly afraid it was going to be the creepy kind where they all have sex or something.

 

Who betta than Kanyon, indeed.

 

Erm... On topic: That stuff was hilarious. I'm going to save it forever on my hard drive, so that I may laugh and laugh...

 

I really needed a good laugh. Thanks.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Best fanfiction I ever read came from the EWR messageboard:

 

*STORY: A struggling Vince McMahon sends out his lacky Jim Ross to seek out former talents that had been in the WWE in the past, or some wrestlers who were in the WCW but didn't carry over to the WWE*

 

*SCENE: In WWE Headquarters, Vince McMahon's office.*

 

Vince McMahon: We here in the WWE feel we need to fill the void left by Steve Austin's departure, so we need a beer-swilling SOB!

 

The Sandman: Really? That's great Mr. McMahon, because I was drinking beer long before Steve wa-

 

Vince McMahon: Do you know anyone who can fill that void?

 

*The Sandman looks down sadly*

 

The Sandman: Well, in ECW I-

 

Vince McMahon: I don't recall you being in the Alliance!

 

The Sandman: ...There was an ECW before the Alliance...

 

Vince McMahon: ...? Anyways, do you know anyone who could be like Steve Austin?

 

The Sandman: Mr. McMahon, I was drinking beer before he was! My whole gimmick was I drank beer!

 

Vince McMahon: It was?

 

The Sandman: Yeah, isn't that why you brought me in?

 

Vince McMahon: Who are you?

 

*The Sandman mutters, gets up, and leaves the office. Vince shrugs and picks up his phone.*

 

Vince McMahon: Ah yes, could you send in good 'ole JR?

 

*Jim Ross walks into the office and sits down.*

 

Vince McMahon: Ah yes, good 'ole JR. How are ya?

 

Jim Ross: You know Vince, I only go by JR on TV. It's part of the-

 

Vince McMahon: WAIT A MINUTE JR, WHERE'S YOUR COWBOY HAT?!

 

Jim Ross: *sighs* Vince, what do you want?

 

Vince McMahon: Ah yes JR, I did call you in didn't I?

 

Jim Ross: Yes Vince, you did.

 

Vince McMahon: I did?

 

Jim Ross: ...Yeah.

 

Vince McMahon: Oh, anyways..The ratings are dropping, and the attendance at events is also. We need a pick me up.

 

Jim Ross: Like pushing some younger talent?

 

*Vince McMahon stares at Jim Ross, who fidgets a little bit.*

 

Vince McMahon: *claps his hands* Aha! JR, I didn't know you were a prankster!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince McMahon: I thought we could bring back some wrestlers from the past! Because we all know the fans love seeing the legends!

 

Jim Ross: Actually Vince, the fans have really been responding to-

 

Vince McMahon: I'm glad you feel the same way JR.

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

*At this moment, Vince Russo crashed through the window behind Vince McMahon's desk. He gets up quickly, breathing heavily.*

 

Vince Russo: Vince, I heard you wanted to talk to me, so I came as fast as I could.

 

Vince McMahon: ....

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince McMahon: ....

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince Russo: Ok, I got an idea for a great gimmick! See the NWO all have sex change operations and become girls, and they change their name to the MEN-W-O! Get it!? CUZ THEY'RE NOT MEN ANYMORE! God, I'm a genius.

 

Vince McMahon: ....

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince Russo: Also Vince, you're gonna love this! We give Rey Misterio a new gimmick. It just ain't cutting it.

 

Jim Ross: He hasn't debuted yet!

 

Vince McMahon: ....

 

Vince Russo: We dress him up in all red, call him "El Loco Bullfighter"! He comes to the ring with dressed like a bullfighter, and he feuds with..GET THIS..BULL BUCHANON!

 

Vince McMahon: Go home, Vince.

 

Vince Russo: Also, I gotta get in the main event, Vince. We need a new champion.

 

Vince McMahon: OUT!!

 

*Vince McMahon pushes a button and security comes in, taking Vince Russo away.*

 

Vince Russo: Call me later, Vince!

 

Vince McMahon: Anyways, I made a list of people for you to find..

 

*Vince McMahon pulls out a list and hands it to JR. JR reads it over and groans.*

 

Vince McMahon: What is it, JR? Want your cowboy hat?

 

Jim Ross: I don't know if we should bring back some of these guys, Vince...Our backstage area is so well-behaved, we wouldn't want to ruin-

 

Vince McMahon: JR, I knew you would see things my way! Now you better get going, because the sooner you finish, the sooner the WWE will be back on top!

 

Jim Ross: Vince, we have no competition. Of course you're on top, there's no other shows with TV deals or-

 

Vince McMahon: We'll be back on top, oh yes we will..

 

*Jim Ross gets up and leaves.*

 

Vince McMahon: JR, wait!

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

*Vince McMahon opens his desk drawer and pulls out a cowboy hat. He hands it to JR.*

 

Vince McMahon: You might need this.

 

Jim Ross: ...Thanks.

 

*And thus, JR begins his journey. After leaving the WWE Headquarters, he books the next flight to Calgary, Alberta, Canada. His target is Bret 'The Hitman' Hart.*

 

*Jim Ross knocks on the door, and Bret opens it.*

 

Jim Ross: Hello, Bret.

 

*Bret Hart hauls back and punches Jim Ross in the face.*

 

Bret Hart: I GOT SCREWED!

 

Jim Ross: Bret, I'm sorr-

 

Bret Hart: YOU WERE IN ON IT! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! I GAVE 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE TO THE COMPANY!

 

Jim Ross: Honestly Bret, I wasn't in-

 

Bret Hart: Shawn Michaels was!

 

Jim Ross: Yes, he was.

 

Bret Hart: HOW'D YOU KNOW?!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Bret Hart: YOU WERE IN ON IT! I KNEW IT!

 

*Once Jim Ross manages to get up, Bret Hart punches him again.*

 

Bret Hart: I watched Confidental!

 

Jim Ross: Bret, that show is just made for the smart fans that know about wrestling being-

 

Bret Hart: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! I WAS SCREWED AND YOU KNOW IT!

 

Jim Ross: ...Do you want to work for the WWE again?

 

Bret Hart: ...I'll think about it.

 

*Bret Hart slams his door shut.*

 

*Bret Hart opens the door again.*

 

Bret Hart: Is Shawn working for the company again?

 

Jim Ross: Yes, he is.

 

Bret Hart: I'M NOT COMING BACK! YOU SCREWED ME, HE SCREWED ME, VINCE MCMAHON SCREWED ME, RUSSO SCREWED ME, THE WHOLE WWE SCREWED ME! PATTERSON SCREWED ME TOO!!

 

Jim Ross: Patterson?

 

Bret Hart: ...He slipped something in my drink...

 

Jim Ross: ...Oh my god...

 

*Bret Hart closes the door. Jim Ross slowly stands up. He leaves Canada, and is now headed for Arizona.*

 

*Jim Ross leaves the airport and heads to The Ultimate Warrior's house.*

 

*Jim Ross walks to the door. He knocks, and almost instantly the porch he is standing on gives in, sending JR down a dark slide. He lands on a chair in a darkened room, and he sees Jim Hellwig sitting in the shadows, still dressed up like The Ultimate Warrior.*

 

Ultimate Warrior: What are you doing here, Jim Ross? Warriorism is the living of life by realizing one is great at birth, and this greatness is inherent in one's being as a human. One who strives to live as a warrior does so by utilizing his greatness, constantly developing the complete capabilities of it, both physically and mentally. The power of the Warrior is strong in me, and I WILL NOT SELL FOR HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY! I HAVE TO MAKE THE FANS AT WRESTLEMANIA 12 BECOME ONE WITH THE WARRIOR!

 

Jim Ross: Jim..

 

Ultimate Warrior: Please, call me Jim.

 

Jim Ross: Jim, I-

 

Ultimate Warrior: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

 

Jim Ross: I called you Jim..

 

Ultimate Warrior: I had my name legally changed to Warrior! I wanted to become one with my true power, and my doing this I was able to. The posibility of a full life is only possible with the possibility of a full life, and the Warrior plans on living out his Warrior ways until the Warrior is no longer a Warrior. By means of injustice, the Warrior was forced to remain attached to Warrior, and now Warrior is Warrior as Warrior.

 

Jim Ross: ...Jim, are you ok?

 

Ultimate Warrior: Optimism, unaccompanied by personal effort is merely an uneventful state of mind. Quit daydreaming and take agressive action. Soon you'll be realizing what you have worked so hard for. There is no other way. I am a Warrior, and Warriors must always be Warriors so we may all be warriors. If a Warrior becomes a Warrior, then the Warrior must be capable of being a Warrior. Jim Ross, are you a Warrior?

 

Jim Ross: ...

 

Ultimate Warrior: Look, I'm not losing to Hogan. The fans need me.

 

*Jim Ross slowly stands up and looks around for an exit.*

 

Ultimate Warrior: SIT DOWN JIM ROSS! WE'RE NOT FINISHED! You must become a true warrior like the warrior I am! Become one with the soul inside of your body and venture out in the cold rains to become a soldier of the Warrior that is true inside of the Warrior that has always been a Warrior! When a Warrior realizes he is a Warrior, then the Warrior is truely a Warrior. Warrior has always been unstoppable, because a Warrior knows that his power is immense and takes the shape of a Warrior.

 

Jim Ross: *muttering* More like a Warrior is unstoppable because he doesn't sell..

 

Ultimate Warrior: Unleash the Warrior inside of you Jim Ross, unleash the Warrior like I have! NO NO NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO, WARRIOR IS NOT READY TO LOSE! WARRIOR !! ARGHHHH!!! WARRIOR MUST RETURN TO THE WARRIORNESS OF A WARRIOR FULL OF WARRIOR SMACKEMS! ARGGHHHH1!

 

*The Ultimate Warrior pushes a button and a wrestling ring comes down from the ceiling. He grabs the ropes and begins shaking them violently.*

 

Ultimate Warrior: Ahh, oh god...That's better.

 

Jim Ross: ...Do you want to work for the WWE?

 

Ultimate Warrior: WWE?

 

Jim Ross: We had to change the name.

 

*The Ultimate Warrior stares at Jim Ross.*

 

Jim Ross: The..World..Wildlife..Fund..won..the..court..case..

 

Ultimate Warrior: WARRIOR MUST TRAIN!

 

*The Ultimate Warrior gets into the ring and shakes the ropes more and more, moaning eagerly. Jim Ross runs out the nearest door and leaves the house, running all the way back to the airport. His next stop is Texas.*

 

*Jim Ross has stopped for something to eat in a local McDonalds in San Antonio, when suddenly a black man wearing a black stocking cap and a trench coat walks in. He pulls out a shotgun from under his coat and raises it at the person behind the desk.*

 

???: GLJGLGHJKLKLG FREEZE G!

 

Clerk: Take the money! Just take it!

 

Jim Ross: Ahmed Johnson?!

 

*The man turns his attention to JR and pulls off his cap. He drops his gun and looks at him.*

 

Ahmed Johnson: FDHGFDHDFHFDHFD YOU! G!!!

 

*Ahmed Johnson walks up to JR, pushing people down. They instantly die on account of him being very stiff.*

 

Jim Ross: Ahmed, Vince was wondering if you co-

 

Ahmed Johnson: GKFJKGJGFKL WHAT G?!

 

Jim Ross: If you co-

 

Ahmed Johnson: ABCDEFGL;SKL;SD I WAS THE PEOPLES CHAMP BEFORE THE ROCK G!

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

Ahmed Johnson: DKFKLDSJDSFJKLDS ROYAL RUMBLE 97 TODD PETTINGIL SAID SO! G! G!

 

Jim Ross: Do you want wo-

 

Ahmed Johnson: OHHHH! AGHHHHHHHH! G! G! G! G! G!

 

Jim Ross: Look Ahmed, just put the gun-

 

Ahmed Johnson: PEARL RIVER MISSISSIPPI G! AGHHHH!! KGGLKFDL;FDLK;F AHMED THE MAN!

 

Jim Ross: ...Do you want a job?

 

Ahmed Johnson: AGHHHHHH! OOOOGA BOOOGA G HOMEBOY G! AFJAJSFJKLSJLS OHHH AGH!

 

Jim Ross: Put the gun down, Ah-

 

Ahmed Johnson: AGHHO NO G! NOT THIS TIME! AHMED AINT LISTENIN TO YOUR ASS!!! AGGHH! OHH! G! G! G! LAST TIME I LISTENED TO AFJKLFDSJJ YOU I WAS PUT IN A OHH AGHHHHH GANG!

 

*Suddenly, someone hits Ahmed from behind with a steel pipe. He stops moving for a moment, then stands up straight.*

 

Ahmed Johnson: Jim Ross, naturally I have developed a fondness to the WWE after working there for years, but as of right now I am in a bit of trouble with the law. You see, I am on the run. I appreciate the compassionate words, but I feel that if I somehow end up on TV, the constabulary will find me, causing me to be arrested. I'm happy that you thought of me though.

 

Jim Ross: Actually Ahmed, you weren't on the list. I just came to eat here.

 

Ahmed Johnson: SJKGKGKJKLG!? G! G! YOU SUNOFA G! G! OOHH AGHHH! PEARL RIVER OOHH AHHH!

 

*At this point, the cops run in and arrest Ahmed. Jim Ross leaves the McDonalds and continues on his journey.*

 

*As Jim Ross drives around in San Antonio, his car mysteriously breaks down in a heavily forested area outside of the city. Jim Ross gets out his car and opens the hood, when suddenly a voice sounds out from behind him.*

 

???: I know you..

 

*Jim Ross turns around.*

 

Jim Ross: Barry?

 

???: Shh..

 

Jim Ross: Barry, you're not The Stalker anymore.

 

The Stalker: These woods hide many secrets, Jim Ross..

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

The Stalker: Many secrets. Dark secrets, secrets that will never see the light of day.

 

Jim Ross: Barry, come on..I'm sorry about The Stalker gimmick..

 

The Stalker: What gimmick?

 

Jim Ross: You know, when you were in the WWF, you were The Stalker?

 

The Stalker: ...I'll stalk you.

 

Jim Ross: Give it up Barry, you're wearing camoflauge makeup.

 

The Stalker: So many secrets..

 

Jim Ross: What kind of secrets?

 

The Stalker: I can't tell you.

 

Jim Ross: Why?

 

The Stalker: You'd have to pay the price..

 

Jim Ross: And what's that?

 

The Stalker: ...I'll stalk you.

 

Jim Ross: God Barry, if I gave you a job in the WWE would you be happy?

 

The Stalker: ...I'm right outside your window.

 

Jim Ross: We're outside, Barry.

 

The Stalker: I can see you sitting alone, looking scared.

 

Jim Ross: ...Barry, my car broke down, we're not alone, and there are cars driving by. Don't you think you picked the wrong spot to stalk people?

 

The Stalker: Don't mess with me, Ross.

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

The Stalker: ...I'll stalk you.

 

Jim Ross: Whatever.

 

The Stalker: ...You'll know that I'm in the house, you'll know that...THE STALKER IS STALKING YOU..

 

Jim Ross: God Barry, go away.

 

*Jim Ross punches Barry in the face. He falls down. Jim Ross gets into his car and starts up the engine, getting the engine starting and driving away, running over The Stalker in the process.*

 

*Jim Ross drives down the street and turns off, parking in a driveway. He steps out of the car and walks to the front door. JR knocks on the door and it opens.*

 

Jim Ross: Steve I-

 

Austin: WHAT?!

 

Jim Ross: I'm sorry about what happ-

 

Austin: WHAT?!

 

Jim Ross: We need you to come ba-

 

Austin: WHAT?!

 

Jim Ross: DAMN IT STEVE, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IS A CHARACTER! A GIMMICK! YOUR NAME IS STEVE WILLIAMS!

 

Austin: ....

 

*Stone Cold looks down for a minute sadly.*

 

Jim Ross: Steve..Are you ok?

 

Austin: WHAT?!

 

Jim Ross: *sighs* How's Debra?

 

Austin: WHAT?!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

*Debra walks up behind Austin. She's wearing sunglasses and a long sleeved blouse.*

 

Debra: Steve did not hit me, I was dilusional. He is a good husband, he would never do that.

 

Debra: *whispering* Was that good enough Steve?

 

Steve Austin: WHAT?!

 

Debra: WAS IT GOOD ENOUGH?

 

Steve Austin: Hell yeah!

 

*Steve Austin kicks Debra in the guts and hits the Stone Cold Stunner. He leans over her and flips her off.*

 

Steve Austin: And that's the bottom-

 

Jim Ross: WHAT?!

 

Steve Austin: *looking at Jim Ross strangely* T, That's the bottom line cuz-

 

Jim Ross: WHAT?!

 

Steve Austin: *Visibly shaken* T, t, that's the b, bottom line cuz S, Stone-

 

Jim Ross: WHAT?!

 

Steve Austin: *Trembling, eyes watering up, almost whispering.* T, t, t, that's th, the bo, bo, bottom l, li-

 

Jim Ross: WHAT?!

 

*Steve Austin breaks down and cries, falling down on the porch and sobbing uncontrollably. Jim Ross looks down at him and sighs, then walks out of the house and gets back in his car.*

 

*Jim Ross drives back to the airport and boards an airplane headed to Oklahoma. Once the plane lands, JR rents another car and drives through Oklahoma City. Suddenly, he sees a familiar face mowing a lawn.*

 

Jim Ross: Sid, is that you?

 

Sid Vicious: DON'T TOUCH ME!

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

Sid Vicious: WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!

 

Jim Ross: Well, I've been traveling for a-

 

Sid Vicious: YEAH! IT SMELLS LIKE A POWERBOMB!

 

Jim Ross: ...Sid, how have you been?

 

Sid Vicious: DON'T THREATEN ME!

 

Jim Ross: How's your leg?

 

Sid Vicious: Insane people don't know that they're crazy! Insane people make it happen, insane people are the ones that will lead this god-forsaken planet to the next century!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Sid Vicious: YOU ASKED FOR IT, GENO!

 

*Sid Vicious picks up the lawnmower and throws it down, the blades getting caught on his foot. Within moments, his foot is completely ripped off.*

 

Sid Vicious: GAHHHH!

 

Jim Ross: Oh my god, should I call an ambulance?!

 

Sid Vicious: YOU PUNK! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

 

*Sid hobbles off behind the house, and Jim Ross waits around.*

 

*Sid Vicious hobbles back over to Jim Ross.*

 

Sid Vicious: YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW, LITTLE MAN!

 

*Sid Vicious reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plastic ziplock bag from his pocket. He growls evily and looks at Jim Ross.*

 

Jim Ross: *trying not to laugh* Oh no Sid, not that..

 

*Sid Vicious hits Jim Ross with the bag again and again, laughing crazily. Suddenly, the wind catches the bag and it carries it off.*

 

Jim Ross: ...

 

Sid Vicious: OH MAN, I'VE GOT SOME BAD THINGS PLANNED FOR YOU!

 

*Sid Vicious pulls out a bobblehead doll of Michael Jordan and hits JR with it. The cheap plastic breaks, causing the head of the bobblehead doll to go rolling away.*

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

*Suddenly, a man sticks his head out the window of the house tha Sid and Jim Ross are standing in front of.*

 

Man: HEY SID, FINISH THE LAWN OR YOU WON'T GET YOUR 5 DOLLARS!

 

Sid: Sorry, Mr. Stanley!

 

Jim Ross: ....I have to go.

 

*Jim Ross gets back into his car and drives away.*

 

*Jim Ross continues his journey, which brings him to his next stop. He parks his car next to a trailer park and gets out of his car. He wrinkles his nose in disgust and knocks on one of the doors.*

 

Jim Ross: Jake, how you been?

 

Jake Roberts: Ugh..

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

Jake Roberts: *in slurred, incoherent voice.* Whatdaya want, stooge?! Agh, ohh boy..*Jake stumbles around and holds onto the side of his door to keep his balance.*

 

Jim Ross: By any chance, do you need a job?

 

Jake Roberts: I tell ya what stooge, I'll..oogh..take you to learning school...Cuz I cheat..You got 21, I got 22..You have a hole in one, well I have a hole in two..Ugh..

 

*Jake Roberts pukes on Jim Ross's shoes and passes out. Jim Ross sighs.*

 

*An hour later*

 

Jake Roberts: *waking up* Wha, what did you do stooge?!

 

Jim Ross: Absolutely nothing.

 

Jake Roberts: You didn't steal my booze did you?

 

Jim Ross: No Jake, I didn't.

 

*Jake grabs a shotgun and points it at Jim Ross.*

 

Jake Roberts: DID YOU!?

 

Jim Ross: ...

 

*Jake Roberts mutters incoherently and puts his gun down.*

 

Jake Roberts: Now Jimmy boy, who says what about me gettin a job where?

 

Jim Ross: ...At the WWE?

 

Jake Roberts: *eyes barely open* If I agree, Damien's comin with me..Ughh..

 

*Jake Roberts belches and grabs a bag. He opens the top and holds the bag upside. Damien the snake falls out of the bag and flops around on the ground a little before it stops moving completely.*

 

Jim Ross: Your snake isn't moving, Jake.

 

Jake Roberts: Ugh, he just needs something to drink. DAMIEN! DAMIEN! Ooh agh..

 

*Jake Roberts grabs a bottle of beer and pours it all over Damien, who flops around a little and begins moving again.*

 

Jake Roberts: Heh heh heh! See Jimmy, ugh..Good asuh newww..

 

Jim Ross: Look, you're in no condition to perform, I'm sorry for even botherin-

 

Jake Roberts: Dun't plaay that gaaaames with mehh, Jimmy..*sounding drunker with each word* I ugh..am tha teasher, and you are da..ugh..stoooodent!! I'm gunna taaaake you to school!

 

Jim Ross: Your snake stopped moving again.

 

Jake Roberts: Mush be thirshy..Ugh..

 

*Jake pours beer on Damien and then passes out.*

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

*Jim Ross goes back to his car and gets inside, continuing his journey.*

 

*Jim Ross books the next flight to Orlando, Florida. Once he gets off the plane, he checks his list and once again rents a car. When gas is running low, he stops at a gas station and fills up. While he's filling up, he hears some strange noises coming from behind the building. Cautiously, JR tiptoes to the back and looks.*

 

Jim Ross: Not you guys..

 

Luke: *right up in JR's face and spitting* G'DAYYYYYYYYYY MATE! I'M LUKE!

 

Butch: *Grinning a ****-eaters grin, showing off all three teeth.* AND I'M BUTCH!

 

Jim Ross: I know who you guys are..

 

Luke & Butch: WE'RE THE BUSHWHACKERS! AGH MATEY!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Jim Ross: Yeah, I need to get-

 

Luke: *walking around pumping his arms* THE BUSHWHACKERS! THE BUSHWHACKERS! AHAHAHAHA!

 

Butch: AGH, HEH HEH HEH, JIM ROSS YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A SHOWER! AHAHA!

 

Jim Ross: Actually, I-

 

Butch: COME 'ERE, LUKE! AHEH HEH HEH!

 

Luke: OK, BUTCH! AHAHAHAHA!

 

*The two Bushwhackers pump their arms wildly and laugh and dance, standing on each side of JR.*

 

Jim Ross: Guys-

 

Luke & Butch: WE'RE THE BUSHWHACKERS! AHEH! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A GOOD AUSTRAILIAN...SCRUB DOWN! HAHAHAHAHA!

 

Jim Ross: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, NO!

 

*Luke and Butch grin the ****-eating grins and begin licking Jim Ross's face, pumping their arms and stomping their feet.*

 

Luke: HEY BUTCH!

 

Butch: WHAT LUKE!?

 

Luke: HE TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!

 

Butch: RIGHT THEN, INDEED HE DOES! AHAHAHAHAHA!

 

*Jim Ross yells angrily and grabs Luke by his hair, slamming him head first into a wall. He picks up a trash can and throws it at Bush, hitting him in the midsection. Butch doubles over and JR pushes a dumpster into him. Luke manages to get to his feet and stumble over to JR.*

 

Luke: *with his arms around JR* I GOTYA NOW JIMMY BOY, AHEH!

 

*Jim Ross turns around and haymakers Luke, knocking him out. Sighing, JR adjusts his cowboy hat and gets back into his car.*

 

*Jim Ross pulls up at his next stop. He gets out of his car and knocks on the door.*

 

Judy Bagwell: Oh come in, come in. Are you one of Buff's friends?

 

Jim Ross: Is Marcus around?

 

Judy Bagwell: ...?

 

Jim Ross: Your son?

 

Judy Bagwell: ...?

 

Jim Ross: *sighing* ...Buff? Is Buff around?

 

Judy Bagwell: *face lighting up* OH, BUFF! Come into the kitchen, we were just getting ready to eat dinner.

 

*Jim Ross walks into the kitchen and sees Buff with a little bib tied around his neck. He's sitting in a large high chair with his own little miniature table in front of him, hooking him into the chair. He's grinning the ****-eating grin.*

 

Buff Bagwell: Heh heh hey mom I hope this food is good, gotta get my vitamins! Cuz I'm Buff I'm the Stuff and the girls just can't get Enough! Heh heh!

 

*Buff Bagwell tries getting out of the chair and it tips over. Instantly, Buff starts crying loudly and Judy runs over to him.*

 

Judy Bagwell: Oh my god, Buff, are you ok?

 

Buff Bagwell: *crying loudly* What happened? How did Buff Daddy fall? The Buff Daddy NEVER falls! NEVER!

 

*Buff Bagwell continues to sob, and Karen Bagwell pulls out a pacifer from her pocket. She sticks it in Buff's mouth, who grins that familiar grin and sucks on it. Judy pulls Buff back on his chair and looks at JR.*

 

Judy Bagwell: Now what are you here for Jimmy, do you want little Buff to come out and play after he finishes din-din?

 

Jim Ross: Uh, yeah..Marcus?

 

*Buff Bagwell stares at Jim Ross angrily, pulling out the pacifer.*

 

Buff Bagwell: My name is Buff, not Marcus, not Mark, not Marky Mark, not Buff Mark..Well wait *grinning a little* Buff Mark sounds good..WAIT, NO! MY NAME IS BUFF! I AM THE STUFF, I'M ROUGH AND TOUGH, THE GIRLS CAN'T GET ENOUGH, A DOG GOES WUFF..umm..

 

*Buff Bagwell starts to cry again after realizing he can't think of anything else that rhymes. Judy Bagwell runs over to Buff and hugs him again.*

 

Judy Bagwell: There there Buff, that's enough for one night..

 

Jim Ross: Buff, do you want to come to work for the WWE or not?

 

Buff Bagwell: Hey, call me Buff the Stuff, cuz I am really the Stuff.

 

Jim Ross: Ok, Buff the Stuff.

 

Buff Bagwell: *Gives a thumbs up and grins* Hey hey, now we're talking!

 

Jim Ross: As you know, ratings are slipping-

 

Buff Bagwell: The Buffster is a 10.0 on the RED HOT SCALE, so he don't need to worry about ratings, heh heh!

 

Jim Ross: We feel that it's most likely because of the older-

 

Buff Bagwell: Hey hey, Buff the Stuff is still in his prime, he ain't old and washed up.

 

Jim Ross: -Because of the older wrestlers being past their prime. We need some new faces-

 

Buff Bagwell: Hey hey *grinning*, the Buff is always new, because the fans never get tired of him!

 

*Buff Bagwell takes a break from talking and his mom spoons up some peaches and feeds them to him. Buff smiles and eagerly keeps his mouth wide open. Jim Ross watches this in disgust.*

 

*Quite suddenly, a rotten smell fills the air.*

 

Jim Ross: *noticeably shaken* What's that?..

 

Buff Bagwell: Heh heh, The Buff just filled his pants with The Stuff.

 

Judy Bagwell: *Wearing a similar grin* Oh Buff, what will I ever do with you?

 

Buff Bagwell: Heh heh, Buff Daddy is the man, all the chicks love his tan, heh heh! Buff Daddy's keepin it alive, cuz he's workin overtime instead of 9 to 5, heh heh!

 

*Jim Ross slowly gets up and exits the smelly room, happy to be away from the stench of human feces and bad poetry.*

 

*JR leaves the household and gets into his car. He hears a loud thump and hears the faint cries of Buff Bagwell. Sighing, he gets back on his way.*

 

*Tired of driving, Jim Ross stops for a pick-me-up in Tennessee. He walks into the bar and sits down, ordering a beer. Just then, the door gets pushed open and three laughing men walk into the bar.*

 

Jeff Jarrett: And I said....Dad! You gotta get those guys to dress up like big old wrestling dongs! AHAHAHAHA!

 

Scott Hall: *In slow, monotonious voice* Oh man, that is great.

 

Ken Shamrock: *Screaming at someone* GET OUTTA MY WAY!!!

 

*Ken Shamrock grabs their leg and puts them in an Ankle Lock. Almost instantly, a sickening "crack" is heard and the man screams in pain. Shamrock lets go of his leg and joins the two at the bar.*

 

Scott Hall: *looking at drinks available* Ok.

 

Bartender: What do you want?

 

Scott Hall: I said ok.

 

Bartender: *looking at drinks* Which one do you want?

 

Scott Hall: *talking slowly, as if he thinks the bartender is retarded.* I want all of them.

 

Bartender: I don't think I can let you drink that much..

 

Scott Hall: *Staring at the bartender* Hey...yo...You don't want to no part of the bad guy.

 

*The bartender sighs and turns his attention to Jeff Jarrett.*

 

Bartender: And you?

 

Jeff Jarrett: Listen up, slapnuts! I want something hard..Give me a wine cooler..No wait, chocolate milk..

 

*Jeff Jarrett adjusts his sunglasses and tries to act cool.*

 

Bartender: *trying not to laugh* Alright.

 

*The bartender looks at an attractive lady sitting at the bar.*

 

Bartender: What about-

 

*Ken Shamrock screams in rage and gets up, throwing his stool against the wall. He grabs the lady by the neck and turns her head all around so her head is backwards, then throws her on the ground and puts her in the Ankle Lock.*

 

Ken Shamrock: I'M IN THE ZONE! AHHHHHHHH!!!

 

*Scott Hall looks down at Ken Shamrock.*

 

Scott Hall: Hey, yo...Ken...I think she's...already dead.

 

*Ken Shamrock looks up at Scott Hall angrily and lets go of the girl's ankle, which is completely twisted so her foot is facing upwards.*

 

Bartender: ...Ok sir, what do you want?

 

Ken Shamrock: IT'S TIME FOR BATTLE!

 

Jeff Jarrett: No Ken, it's time for drinks! Gosh, I sure do travel with the funniest guys!

 

*Jeff Jarrett chuckles and doesn't notice Ken Shamrock getting up. Ken grabs a pool stick and breaks it over Jeff Jarrett's head, knocking him out. He's about to put Jeff in the Ankle Lock, but stops.*

 

Bartender: Sir, sir, what do you want?

 

Ken Shamrock: I'M THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN!

 

Bartender: Beer it is.

 

Scott Hall: *trying not to laugh, but already visibly drunk.* H, hey...yo...What you do to...Jarrett?

 

Ken Shamrock: AHHHHH! HE WAS IN MY WAY!

 

Scott Hall: *drinking and becoming tipsier by the moment* Uhh...heh heh, hey...yo..

 

*Finally, Jim Ross stands up and sits next to them.*

 

Jim Ross: Hey Scott, Ken...*looking down at Jeff's unconcious body* ..Jeff. What you guys doing here?

 

Scott Hall: Hey...yo...you don't to start a fight with Da Bad Guy chico..

 

Jim Ross: Scott, I'm sorry that we parted on such bad terms, but we're willing to give you another chance.

 

Scott Hall: ...For what?

 

Jim Ross: Wrestling.

 

Scott Hall: ...Where?

 

Jim Ross: In the WWE...

 

Scott Hall: ...Hey, yo...Just answer me this..When did I wrestle there?

 

Jim Ross: ...A couple of months ago?

 

Scott Hall: *shaking his head* Oh..I must of forgot..Wonder what caused that..

 

*Scott Hall continues to drink his beer, hard liquor, rum, tequila, and brandy.*

 

*Ken Shamrock is sitting silently, his eyelids fluttering.*

 

Jim Ross: ...Ken?

 

*Ken doesn't answer.*

 

Jim Ross: KEN!

 

Ken Shamrock: AHHHHHHH!!

 

*Ken Shamrock gets up and grabs the bartender, putting him in a choke hold and breaking his neck. He grabs a whole keg of beer and walks over to a group of bikers. He throws the keg at them, crushing one of them, and then he tips over a pool table on the other. He grabs a pool stick and hits the bikers hard, knocking all of them out. A man dressed in a suit and tie tries leaving the bar, but Ken runs after him and slams his head in the wall. He grabs the man's ankle and puts him in the Ankle Lock, breaking his ankle. Jim Ross and Scott Hall watches all of this, and Jeff Jarrett begins to come to his senses.*

 

Jeff Jarrett: *shaken* What happened?

 

Scott Hall: Hey..

 

*All of the people that haven't been beaten up by Ken Shamrock turn their attention to Hall. Jarrett, Shamrock, and JR wait for him.*

 

Jim Ross: ....?

 

Jeff Jarrett: ....?

 

Ken Shamrock: ....AHHHHHH!

 

*Scott Hall opens his mouth, then closes it. He keeps doing this, not speaking.*

 

Jim Ross: Anyways, Jeff..Want to work for the WWE?

 

Jeff Jarrett: Gee Mr. Ross, I'm currently with NWATNA.

 

Jim Ross: ...NWATNA?

 

Scott Hall: ....

 

Jeff Jarrett: You know, the federation my daddy runs?

 

*Jim Ross stares at Jeff Jarrett blanky.*

 

Jim Ross: *doesn't know what Jeff's talking about* oh..OH! Right..

 

Ken Shamrock: *talking to a stool* GET OUTTA MY WAY!

 

Jim Ross: Well, I can see you three are busy, so I'll just be on my way.

 

*Jim Ross gets up and leaves, the door shutting behind him. A split second later, Shamrock throws the stool at the door.*

 

Scott Hall: ...yo.

 

*After the incident in the bar, JR decides to take a break from the road and check himself into a hotel. As he's walking in, an obese man carrying a bottle of champaigne walks past him. For no apparent reason, he trips and falls, the glass shattering and champaigne spilling everywhere on the expensive carpet.*

 

JR: ....

 

Fred Ottman: JIM ROSS!!

 

*Fred Ottman slowly gets up and shakes JR's hand furiously.*

 

JR: *sarcastically* Nice to see you, Fred..

 

Fred Ottman: Oh man, it's nice to see you too!

 

*Fred Ottman picks up the now drained bucket and holds it.*

 

JR: What are you doing here?

 

Fred Ottman: Well, I've retired from wrestling and now I do odd-jobs for enough money to get by!

 

*Fred walks outside for a moment and grabs a box. He walks back into the hotel.*

 

JR: What's that for?

 

Fred Ottman: Oh, I gotta deliver this to a special guest staying here tonight!

 

*Fred slowly walks through the hotel lobby, and yet again he trips over nothing and falls down, spilling sex toys and drugs everywhere.*

 

JR: *trying not to laugh* ...

 

Fred Ottman: Oh man, I'm sorry sir!

 

*The hotel manager looks at Fred angrily, but continues walking. As Fred picks up the contents and puts them back in the box, JR walks up to him.*

 

JR: So, how's life treating you?

 

Fred Ottman: Oh man, I've just been reminescing about the good old days when I was Typhoon! I loved working for the WWF, it was great!

 

JR: ...Right.

 

*Fred Ottman walks up to the main desk and gets handed a plunger and a bucket.*

 

Fred Ottman: Excuse me JR, but I got work to do!

 

JR: ...Ok.

 

*JR waits around in the lobby while Fred does his work. Later, Fred comes out of the bathroom holding a bucket and wearing gloves.*

 

Fred Ottman: WHOO! That was a tough job! Heh heh!

 

*Fred Ottman walks towards JR and once again trips. The bucket of human feces spills all over JR.*

 

Fred Ottman: Oh man, I'm sorry JR! I didn't mean to do that! Here, let me help you out!

 

*Fred gets a spray bottle of "Mr. Clean" and is about to spray JR when he trips, accidently spraying JR in the eyes.*

 

JR: AGHHHH!! *Scratching at his eyes.*

 

Fred Ottman: JR, I'm so so sorry!

 

*JR screams in rage and grabs Fred by his hair and picks him up, slamming him through a table. Fred lays there for a moment and then gets up.*

 

Fred Ottman: THAT'S IT! I'VE GOTTEN ABUSED BY WCW AND WWF BEFORE, AND I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU ABUSE ME EITHER!

 

*Fred Ottman screams and runs toward JR, but trips and knocks himself out. JR mutters darkly.*

 

JR: No wonder no federation wants you Fred, ever since you've been The Shockmaster you've done nothing but pissed people off..

 

*JR checks into the hotel and goes up to his room to change his clothes.*

 

*As Jim Ross starts to unlock his door, the door to the hotel room next to him flies open.*

 

DDP: Jim Ross!

 

Jim Ross: Oh, hey Page.

 

DDP: Brother, you gotta let me wrestle again!

 

Jim Ross: ...Why?

 

DDP: If this is about me not being with it anymore, well think again! I got some new spots planned!

 

Jim Ross: ...Like?

 

DDP: *yelling* KIM! KIM! GET OUT HERE!

 

*His wife comes running out of the room.*

 

DDP: Ok JR, you're gonna love this!

 

*DDP sticks out his hand.*

 

DDP: Shake my hand!

 

Kim: Ok!

 

*Kim reaches out and shakes his hand.*

 

*DDP smiles at JR and then puts Kim in a Hammer lock.*

 

DDP: BANG! HAHAHAHA! Did you like that?

 

JR: Absolutely brilliant.

 

DDP: Haha brother, I knew you'd like it! Watch this one!

 

*DDP grabs Kim's head and delivers a -50 mph Diamond Cutter.*

 

DDP: *Making the diamond sign with his hands.* BANG! HAHA!

 

JR: DDP, if you want to wrestle instead of being a Road Agent, you have to work on...updating...your skills.

 

DDP: I did update them! Didn't you just watch those awesome spots I came up with!?

 

Kim: *still on the ground* Can I get up now?

 

DDP: Sure!

 

*Kim gets up.*

 

JR: Well, if you'll excuse me...I have to get-

 

DDP: Oh man, I almost forgot the best one! I'll be right back!

 

*DDP runs into the hotel room. While he's gone, Kim gets very close to JR and touches his thigh.*

 

Kim: I'm a very lonely woman.

 

JR: ....

 

*DDP comes running back into the hall with his arm in a sling.*

 

DDP: Ok, watch! Ow, owww, owww! *bad acting* My arm! I can't wrestle! Ok Kim, now turn your back to me!

 

*Kim turns around.*

 

*DDP pulls the sling off of his arm and turns Kim around, then gives her another poorly executed Diamond Cutter.*

 

DDP: *Hands up* BANG!

 

JR: I have to go.

 

*JR goes into his room.*

 

*As JR is relaxing in his room, he decides to call for room service. When someone knocks on the door, he opens it and sees a familiar face.*

 

JR: ...Hello, Joanie.

 

Joanie Laurer: Ooh, hey Jimmy!

 

*Joanie hugs JR, who stands there.*

 

JR: ...Right. So, you work here now?

 

Joanie Laurer: Oh yeah, after YOU said you can't see Chyna as a WWE Heavyweight Champion, I had to quit wrestling.

 

JR: *muttering* I can barely see you as a woman..

 

Joanie Laurer: I don't have a grudge though! I love my new job!

 

JR: That's good.

 

Joanie Laurer: You know Jim, I worked very hard to get to where I'm at right now. I got into Playboy by myself, and I succeeded in the WWE by myself. Oh, that reminds me!

 

*Joanie Laurer pulls out a slip of paper.*

 

Joanie Laurer: I still have to finish the payments on my nose job, boob job, facial reconstruction surgery, tummy tuck, and jaw bone surgery!

 

JR: ....

 

Joanie Laurer: Well anyways JR, I got your meal.

 

*As Joanie begins to pull in the cart, JR notices a bulge on the back of her pants right below her BUTT.*

 

Jim Ross: ....?!?!?

 

Joanie Laurer: Alright JR, eat up!

 

Jim Ross: YOU'RE...YOU'RE A MAN!!

 

Joanie Laurer: ....*Starting to cry* I have to go!

 

*Joanie runs out of the room.*

 

*Once JR calms down for the night and goes to sleep, he's woken up by a strange noise coming from his bathroom. He slowly gets up and walks into the bathroom.*

 

JR: Barry?!

 

*Jim Ross rubs his eyes and sees Barry Darsow, otherwise known as The Repo Man, hammering away at the base of the hotel sink.*

 

Repo Man: *turning around and laughing insanely* HEHEHEHEHEHE! WOW JR, IT LOOKS LIKE THE REPO MAN HAS WORK TO DO HERE! YOU'VE BEEN LATE ON YOUR PAYMENTS AGAIN!

 

JR: I don't live here! This is a hotel room!

 

*Repo Man pulls out a boom box and sets it down on the ground. He presses play and his old entrance music comes on, and then he starts to dance around.*

 

Repo Man: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FORGOT TO PAY YOUR BILLS, CUZ NOW THE REPO MAN HAS TO TAKE YOUR SINK AWAY! HEHEHHEHEHE!

 

JR: I told you Barry, it isn't my sink! Now get the hell out of my room before I call security!

 

*The Repo Man manages to pull the sink out of the wall and he carries it out of the bathroom and puts it into a burlap bag with a $ symbol on it.*

 

Repo Man: I'M JUST DOING MY JOB! HEHEHEHEHHEHE!

 

JR: ...Why are you doing this?

 

Repo Man: *looking at JR calmly.* Jim Ross, would you get in trouble if you didn't do your job correctly?

 

JR: ...Probably.

 

Repo Man: Well then, I have to do this...Otherwise the big cheese might have to pull the plug on me! HEHEHEHEHE!

 

JR: Repo Man was just a bad gimmick! Barry, you're not an actual Repo Man!

 

Repo Man: Yes I am, and this sink is MY property now!

 

JR: Alright, take the damn sink, I'm calling the lobby right now.

 

*JR walks over to the phone and picks it up, and suddenly The Repo Man hits him over the head with a prop-pipe.*

 

The Repo Man: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!

 

JR: *putting the phone down* See, the pipe isn't even real!

 

Repo Man: What's going on?! I'VE BEEN HAD! Oh, well!

 

*The Repo Man grabs JR's suitcase and stuffs it in his "$" burlap bag. He giggles madly and runs out of the room.*

 

*Diamond Dallas Page walks out of his hotel room and sees The Repo Man running down the hall.*

 

*DDP runs after him and catches up with him, grabbing his arm and putting him in a Hammerlock.*

 

DDP: BANG!

 

*Just then, Fred Ottman gets off the elevator and is walking down the hall carrying a vat of toxic waste.*

 

Fred Ottman: Oh hey guys, what's going-

 

*Fred trips and spills the toxic waste everywhere.*

 

*As the toxic waste spills all over the floor, Jim Ross is forced to break his window and jump out of it. As he falls, he prays to God that he lands on something soft.*

 

*As luck prevails, a truck full of used mattresses is driving by, and Jim Ross lands in the back. He's happy for a moment, but soon realizes that these mattresses are from motels, and that they have liquids of questionable origin on them.*

 

Jim Ross: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! THE MATTRESSES ARE SOILED! SOILED! SOILED!

 

*The mattress truck stops, and Jim Ross climbs over the side and jumps out of the back. He looks around for a moment, then decides to go inside a grocery store.*

 

*As he's looking around, he notices Bill Goldberg working at one of the check-out lines as a bag boy.*

 

Bill Goldberg: *after finishing packing up a customer's bags* WHO'S NEXT?!

 

Jim Ross: Hello Bill, how are you?

 

*Suddenly, a peach that is slowly riding the conveyor belt down to where the bags are packed touches Goldberg's arm.*

 

Bill Goldberg: AHH!

 

*Bill throws himself 10 feet backwards into a "Claw" game machine, breaking the glass and causing stuffed animals to fly everywhere.*

 

Jim Ross: ....?

 

*Bill Goldberg calmly brushes himself off and walks back over to the check out lane. He starts packing a bag.*

 

Jim Ross: Bill, how would you like a job in the WWE?

 

Bill Goldberg: Oh, I don't know..The content is so inappropiate! I want to keep all of my fans!

 

*Quite suddenly, a man walking by wearing steel toed boots kicks Goldberg in the nads.*

 

Bill Goldberg: *laughing* AGHHHHHHHH!

 

*The man does it again and again, and Goldberg still doesn't budge.*

 

Bill Goldberg: AGHHHHHH!! HAHAHA!

 

Jim Ross: ...?

 

*The man gives up and keeps walking.*

 

Bill Goldberg: Anyways JR, I don't know if I want to work for the WWE, I got a real job right here!

 

*Bill Goldberg pulls out a paper bag, giving himself a paper cut on his finger in the process.*

 

Bill Goldberg: AHHH! AGH! AHHH!

 

*Bill Goldberg throws himself on the floor and rolls around, getting up and banging his own head against the ATM Machine again and again. He stops and walks back over to JR.*

 

Jim Ross: ...Are you ok?

 

*Suddenly, a man walks into the store carrying a machine gun.*

 

Man: GET DOWN ALL OF YOU!

 

*He sees Goldberg standing there, then aims his weapon at him, pulling the trigger and firing.*

 

Bill Goldberg: *talking calmy as if he's not being shot by a fully-automatic weapon.* Anyways Jim, I'm gonna have to decline-

 

Jim Ross: Bill, you're being shot at!

 

Bill Goldberg: Yeah, I know. How much would I be paid if I did accept this job?

 

*The man still shoots at Bill Goldberg, hitting him in the chest over and over, but Bill doesn't seem to notice.*

 

Man: Oh, **** it.

 

*The man walks out of the store.*

 

Jim Ross: Are you ok?

 

Bill Goldberg: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

 

*A little kid walks by holding a teddy bear. As she walks by, the teddy bear brushes against Bill Goldberg's leg.*

 

Bill Goldberg: AGHHH!! AHHH!!

 

*Bill Goldberg grabs his leg and breaks his own ankle, falling down. He crawls over to the cutlery section of the store and stabs himself with a fork again and again.*

 

Jim Ross: ...*yelling* It was nice talking to you, Bill! I'll see you around!

 

Bill Goldberg: *while strangling himself* It was nice talking to you too! Have a good day!

 

*Jim Ross walks out of the store.*

 

*Meanwhile, back in Vince McMahon's office.*

 

Vince McMahon: Tony Schiavone, the WWE has work for you!

 

Tony Schiavone: *screaming* OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IS VINCE MCMAHON DOING ON A WCW SHOW?!

 

Vince McMahon: *completely oblivious to Tony's screams* Excellent, we're thinking of teaming you up with Michael Cole!

 

Tony Schiavone: CAN WE GET SOME SECURITY OUT HERE PLEASE?! VINCE MCMAHON HAS INVADED WCW! OH MY GOODNESS!

 

Vince McMahon: How do you feel about that, Tony?

 

Tony Schiavone: OH MY GOODNESS! I AM BEING ASKED BY THE OWNER OF WCW'S RIVAL TO DEFLECT TO THE OTHER SIDE!

 

Vince McMahon: *clapping his hands* Haha, I'm glad you're as happy as I am!

 

Tony Schiavone: OH MY GOODNESS! WHY TONY WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON WCW!

 

*Tony Schiavone gets up and shakes Vince McMahon's hand, then turns and walks out of the office.*

 

Vince McMahon: *picking up phone* Yes, Wendy? Is Jim Ross back? Uh huh. He is? Well then, send him right in!

 

*With his head down, Jim Ross sadly walks through the door and sits down across from Vince McMahon.*

 

Vince McMahon: Good 'ole JR, how did it go?

 

Jim Ross: ...Not so good.

 

Vince McMahon: Excellent! I'm glad it went so well!

 

Jim Ross: Vince, I was able to get Ken Shamrock, DDP, Jake Roberts, Bret Hart and The Ultimate Warrior.

 

Vince McMahon: ....

 

Jim Ross: Vince, I'm-

 

Vince McMahon: *clapping his hands* BRILLIANT! JR, YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF THIS TIME! LET'S GET OUR BOOKING TEAM IN HERE TO DISCUSS HOW WE SHOULD BRING THESE GUYS IN!

 

Jim Ross: Oh, I'll go get Barry-

 

Vince McMahon: SHAWN MICHAELS, X-PAC, AND KEVIN NASH!

 

*The door opens and the three main members of the NWO walk into Vince's office. Suddenly, Kevin Nash falls down grabbing his leg.*

 

Kevin Nash: OW! AHHH! MY LEG! MY LEG!

 

HBK: Hey Vince, how are you?

 

Vince McMahon: Haha, HBK I'm doing great!

 

HBK: *nodding at JR* ...Ross.

 

X-Pac: *Making the NWO sign* YEAAHHHHHHH!! X P-A-C IN DA HOUSE!!

 

Vince McMahon: *shouting* YES HE IS! YES HE IS!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince McMahon: Guys, we've got some new faces to bring into the WWE that will put us back on top!

 

HBK: Whoa whoa whoa, new faces? Like who?

 

Vince McMahon: Well, we've got Ken Shamrock..

 

X-Pac: LET'S BOOK HIM TO LOSE TO ME! YEAH! YEAHHHH!

 

Vince McMahon: *standing up and shouting* THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING! GOD X-PAC, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

 

*X-Pac smiles and makes the DX symbol.*

 

Vince McMahon: DDP..

 

HBK: Whoa Vinny, no point having a guy on the payroll who won't even wrestle, I mean c'mon..IF YOU'RE IN THE WWE, YOU GOTTA WRESTLE!

 

Jim Ross: *muttering* I don't see you in the ring.

 

HBK: *looking at Jim Ross* JR doesn't wrestle, why is he still on the payroll?

 

Vince McMahon: He's an announcer, we need him so our viewers at home know what's going on!! But other then that..BE HAPPY THAT WE'RE ON TV, ROSS! OTHERWISE YOU'D BE A GONER! I'M VINCE MCMAHON DAMN IT!

 

HBK: *dropping to one knee and flexing* The HEART-BREAK-KID! SHAWN MICHAELS!

 

*X-Pac jumps around chopping his crotch. Nash is still on the floor screaming in pain.*

 

Vince McMahon: Anyways, we also got Jake Roberts..

 

X-Pac: BOOK HIM TO LOSE TO ME! YEAHH! YEAH!

 

Vince McMahon: GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE, X-PAC!! HAHA!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince McMahon: The Ultimate Warrior..

 

Kevin Nash: *managing to do something other than scream* I'LL TAKE HIM OUT!!

 

Vince McMahon: PERFECT! And...

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

Vince McMahon: *snickering* Bret 'The Hitman' Hart..

 

Shawn Michaels: *instantly losing his composure* WHAT DO YOU WANT THAT NOBODY BACK FOR?! YOU GOT ME, THE HEART BREAK KID! HBK! THE SHOW STOPPER! THE ICON! THE MAIN EVENT!

 

Vince McMahon: We need some drawing power!!

 

Shawn Michaels: Fine, but I'm not gonna job to him!

 

Jim Ross: Shawn, you don't even wrestle.

 

Shawn Michaels: Oh yeah.

 

Vince McMahon: Well, that's all I needed to know, so you guys can go now!

 

*HBK and X-Pac leave the room, followed by a crawling Kevin Nash.*

 

Vince McMahon: Well JR, the WWE is going straight to the top!

 

Jim Ross: ....

 

*END*

[Guest SmarkySmark]

That was good stuff, but nothing will ever beat "The Adventures of nWo B-Team" from Scoop this as far as Fan Fiction goes.

[Guest DeputyHawk]

That was good stuff, but nothing will ever beat "The Adventures of nWo B-Team" from Scoop this as far as Fan Fiction goes.

wanna post a link to that?

[Guest TheRockIsTheEuropeanChampion]

I have them on a few floppy disks... Let me upload them somewhere.

[Guest HartFan86]

http://www.tandq.com/MirrorsOfReality/Ciera/day.htm

 

Uh....OK.........

[Guest kane3212321]

These are hilarious!!!! Keep em coming

[Guest SmarkySmark]

Scoop This

 

The site is shut down but at the bottom of the front page is a link to their archives. Once inside look for the links to "nWo B-Team" and let the hilarity ensue. It should be on the bottom right of the page.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Wow. This almost makes me sad that I didn't watch WCW in the dying days and don't understand this at all.

 

 

 

Actually. No, wait. I'm glad I totally ignored WCW.

[Guest HartFan86]

http://www.tandq.com/MirrorsOfReality/Kai/justice.htm

 

That was the most fucked up story I have ever seen in my life.

[Guest candie45]

http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=776476

 

........

 

[Guest TheRockIsTheEuropeanChampion]

Jeebus, I thought STc's website was long gone. Oh well, saves me the trouble of trying to find them again. Classic stuff, though I've forgotten a few old jokes here and there.

 

http://www.tandq.com/MirrorsOfReality/Ciera/day.htm

 

Uh....OK.........

 

Yeah... That was kind of tame, actually. This one's really.. interesting. I actually wonder if they were being serious.

 

I won't direct you to the epic involving Kurt Angle, the Undertaker, and a squirrel costume.

 

EDIT: Why in HELL did *that* have to be post number 300 for me?

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

EDIT: Why in HELL did *that* have to be post number 300 for me?

Don't worry. I spent my 1000th post reminiscing back when Heat actually used to have main eventers and story-progressing angles.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

........

 

Boy will Karen be suprised!

 

 

Also, we're heading back into the disturbing fanfiction realm again, from the funny fanfiction. Keep the creepy homoerotica in the "evilness" thread. Thanks.

[Guest TheRockIsTheEuropeanChampion]

Well, in celebration, here it is...

 

One Squirrel Gets Some Nuts

 

And... A quote from aforementioned story:

 

Angel,

    Some nuts for my little squirrel. Try and keep your cute little ass out of trouble, hear me?

    And read this carefully...

    IF YOU EVER SCREW WITH MY BIKE AGAIN, I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR NUTS AND HAND THEM TO YOU, UNDERSTAND? I'm NOT kidding here. As you're so fond of saying, "It's true...it's true."

 

 

M

P.S. I took the liberty of going down to the rental store and buying that suit. I think I want to experiment some more with it.

 

    Kurt blushed hotly, but his smile widened in happiness as he clutched Mark's pillow close, squeezing the walnuts protectively in his hand as he nodded back to sleep, the scent of his American Bad Ass filling his head.

 

It must be love...

 

EDIT: Okay, nevermind this, erm, post. Sorry... I'll stop destroying this thread. I didn't see the other one.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

LOL

[Guest HartFan86]

Vince Russo with his ideas, Bret Hart punching Ross, Ultimate Warrior training for WWE, Ahmed talking, Sid and the ziplock bag, Jake pouring beer on Damien, Shamrock going nuts in the bar and randomly yelling, Hall saying "Ok", Fred spilling toxic waste, Goldberg yelling "Who's Next" and Goldberg no selling everything. All those things literally made me start crying in laugther. That was the funniest thing I have seen wrestling related in years. Thank you for posting it so much.

[Guest HartFan86]

http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=776476

 

........

 

That was...weird. I need to find that link of someone murdering Jericho again.

[Guest LaParkaMarka]

This stuff is TOO funny. That first story posted was bloody BRILLIANT. I don't know why, but the "Run Nash run" bit had me in hysterics.

The secons story with the insanely over the top Vince was awesome as well. If only all fan fiction was as good as this.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

New chapter of that first story is out:

 

Author: Jazzmaster - PG - English - Humor - Reviews: 17 1. Defections2. The Search for the Warrior3. The Happy Couple4. Who's your husband?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summerslam was over. Brock Lesnar had beaten The Rock to become undisputed champion after Coach, claiming he had had enough of Rock's constant bullying, had interfered in the match.

 

Rock caught up to Coach after the match.

 

"Hey, Coach, what the hell were you doing? You just cost The Rock his undisputed title and now you're gonna get the smack layed down upon your candy ass!" said Rock.

 

"I'm so sorry Rock, I don't know what came over me..." said Coach. Rock was suspicious of Coach's behaviour. He lifted up Coach's shirt and checked Coach's switch. Someone had flipped it from 'Face' to 'Heel'! Of course veteran Rock knew that all wrestlers were programmable and could be turned from heel to face at the flip of a switch. Big Show's had been flipped too many times and was now broken, causing him to turn between the two at random intervals. The question was who had done this to Coach?

 

 

 

Smackdown went on the air and Stephanie McMahon came out without Harvey Whippleman. She declared that the marriage couldn't stand because the night before it she had gotten drunk and without knowing it married Test, therefore her marriage to Harvey had been annulled.

 

Tests music played and he said now he was married he could go between both shows.

 

"Once they've had Test, they don't want the rest!" he said before wondering how much longer his immunity clause had left.

 

 

 

Tazz decided he didn't want to be an announcer anymore. He turned to Michael Cole.

 

"The mood is about to change! No-one can stop the path of rage!" screamed Tazz before running off somewhere.

 

 

 

Stephanie went backstage and saw HHH.

 

"HHH... are you defecting to Smackdown?" asked Steph.

 

"No Steph, but your marriage to Test must be annulled immediately. See, the night before you got drunk and married Test I got you drunk and took you to Vegas again where we re-married. So once again you are Stephanie McMahon- Helmsley."

 

 

 

Vince McMahon had stopped by backstage to see how his daughter was doing. As he strutted around the corridor he bumped into Torrie Wilson. McMahon was holding a pen in his hand and dropped it as he saw Torrie.

 

"Whoops... Torrie, perhaps you could bend down and pick that up for me," said Vince.

 

Torrie knelt down and picked it up.

 

"No, not like that..." said Vince.

 

Howard Finkel went around the fans and shouted at young children in a loud voice, making them cry.

 

 

 

 

 

Rock was raging. He found Stephanie, who was in tears after her wedding disasters.

 

"Hey, slut, was it you who re-programmed Coach?" shouted Rock.

 

"No, Rock, maybe it was Paul Heyman," said Stephanie through constant sobbing.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark Lloyd sat in the men's toilets with the cubicle door locked. Mike Awesome had made friends with Godfather and they now spent all their time together with Godfather's escorts. Lloyd had tried to join them, but hadn't made the grade. Even Funaki was a better interviewer than he was. Everyone hates me, he thought sadly. Just then the cubicle door got kicked open and there stood Farooq, who like everyone else liked to bully him. Farooq smiled then shoved Lloyds head down the un-flushed toilet... then proceeded to flush.

 

 

 

Rock had Paul Heyman pinned against the wall. Lesnar was no-where around.

 

"It was nothing to do with us Rock, I swear, please, just stop, " begged Heyman. "I can't take it anymore."

 

Rock let him down. It couldn't have been Heyman or Lesnar. He'd had Heyman watch Billy Gunn matches for the past ten minutes and no-one could withstand that. Rock had to hurry as time was running out. Soon he would have to leave for Hollywood.

 

 

 

Steph was still sobbing when Howard Finkel came into her office.

 

"What do you want?" she asked him.

 

"Just to let you know Steph, that you are in fact NOT married to HHH."

 

"No? Really? Oh, thank goodness..."

 

"You are married to ME! Ha ha ha! I married you the night BEFORE HHH married you. We had an unholy wedding and you are now my evil bride of darkness! Ha ha ha ha!"

 

Steph began crying even louder than ever.

 

 

 

Rock was walking the corridors hoping for inspiration when Tazz came walking up to him.

 

"You know what Rock? Last night I saw you were in a real pleasant mood, and I thought, the mood needs to change, so you know Rock, I re-programmed Coach and had him screw you out of your match. Ha!"

 

"Who in the bluest of blue hells are you!?" asked The Rock.

 

"I'm Tazz! You know, Tazz! Former ECW world champ! I once beat Kurt Angle!"

 

"Shut your mouth, the Rock is gonna lay the smacketh down on you before he heads off to Hollywood!"

 

"You cannot stop the path of rage!" said Tazz, before getting severely beaten up by The Rock.

 

 

 

Vince McMahon managed to find Nidia. He smiled like he hadn't in a long time.

 

 

 

Rock prepared to leave for Hollywood. Coach's switch had been reset to face.

 

"You ever need anything, and The Rock means anything, just call The Rock."

 

"I'm going to miss you Rock. I don't know if I can get by without you."

 

"The Rock'll be back, Coach. Not for the people, he'll be back... for you."

 

The pair hugged before Rock turned around and headed off towards Hollywood. Coach stood watching him go, and tears formed in his eyes.