OAOMEF Breakout! 9/19/02

[Guest The Superstar]

OMG! What will happen when four of the OAOAST's most underrated wrestlers, Angle-plex, Jingus, The Superstar, and the fed's namesake, Mystery Eskimo, as well as WWE superstars, combine to form the greatest fed of all time? Here is the official preview of the show, which will air tomorrow at 8:00 PM EST (I hope):

 

The confirmed matches are as follows:

 

Test vs. Edge

 

A special announcement by Mystery Eskimo

 

Brock Lesnar vs. Chris Benoit

 

The Superstar vs. ???

 

A special announcement by Stephanie McMahon

 

John Cena vs. William Regal

 

A special announcement by Angle-plex

 

For the OAOMEF USTV Title, Angle-plex vs. Kurt Angle vs. Hulk Hogan in an elimination match!

 

Plus, we're sure Mystery Eskimo will be wrestling, so be sure to tune in for the most entertaining wrestling show on television: OAOMEF BREAKOUT!

[Guest The Superstar]

OAOMEF Breakout! September 19, 2002

 

::Fozzy’s “The Mob Rules” plays as pyro explodes inside the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California! A sold out crowd of over 20,000 rabid fans cheer for the beginning of the very first One and Only Mystery Eskimo Federation show, Breakout!::

 

The OAOMEF Commissioner, The Superstar, is shown lounging at his desk, an X Championship belt proudly displayed.

 

“Listen up, bitches, I have some important stuff to say. Due to the current small size of the OAOMEF (which won’t last for long), and due to our overwhelming popularity worldwide (already), we have formed a partnership with the floundering World Wrestling Entertainment. We will freely share talent, letting the superstars get a fair shake of TV time. And as for this X-Title…I rewarded it to myself. No, I’m not selfish…I’m gladly defending it tonight against the most feared competitor in wrestling history! So let’s start the festivities with an awesome one on one contest!”

 

However, before the match we cut to the announce desk, where we see two men in hideous get-ups, one with a checkerboard cowboy hat, jacket, shirt, pants, and boots, and one with an OAOMEF t-shirt and tight cut-off jeans.

 

Announcer 1: “HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO OAOMEF BREAKOUT! I’M JT WHEELER!

 

Announcer 2: “…and I’m Steve Austin! What? Err…(oh shit), um, I mean, I’m Fred Rodriguez, um, yeah, let’s get right to the action, what? (Aw fuck). Um, yeah.

 

One Fall, 15 minute Time Limit

Test vs. Edge

 

“Theme from Un-Americans” plays as the upside-down American flag-waving Test makes his way down the aisle. He is, surprisingly, without his stable mates Christian, Lance Storm, and William Regal. The crowd boos its disapproval of Test.

 

“Never Gonna Stop” hits as the crowd jumps to its feet and gives a huge ovation to the up-and-comer, Edge! He takes his trench coat and sunglasses off immediately, and darts to the ring, SPEARING Test down as the bell rings!

 

Edge tries to get the early advantage, but Test recovers and hits a nasty sideslam. He brings Edge to the corner and hits some vicious right hands, followed by some Un-American stomps!

 

JT: He’s stompin’ a mudhole in ‘em, eh Fred?

 

FR: He’s stealin’ my gimmick! What? Err…what vicious stomps!

 

Test tries a cross-corner whip, but Edge stops short of the turnbuckle and hits a SPEAR~! He waits for Test to get up, and then SPEARS~! Test all the way out of the ring! Edge climbs to the top rope, and SPEARS~! Test all the way from the top rope to the outside! Test however, no sells all the SPEARNESS and chokes Edge with a camera cable! He rolls Edge into the ring and gives him a SICK TOP ROPE DOUBLE AXE HANDLE!!! Cover: 1…2…NO! Edge kicked out! Edge reverses a Test whip, charges off the rope, and SPEARS~! Test down! Cover: 1…2…NO! Test kicked out! Edge tries another spear, but Test moves and Edge charges right into the corner! Test takes this opportunity to hit the BIG BOOT~! Cover: 1…2…EDGE GETS HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE!

 

JT: That was HIS MOVE! HIS MOVE BAH GAWD!

FR: Ain’t no Stunner….err, Rodriguezinator.

 

Test is frustrated, and hits some devastating punches, followed by some choking! He wraps Edge around into a malevolent CHINLOCK!

 

JT: Test really bringin’ the hurt tonight!

FR: *snoring* What? Err, I mean, huh? Oh, right.

 

Edge finally battles out with help from the fans, whips Test into the ropes, and SPEARS TEST! Cover…wait! The Superstar has come out!

 

The Superstar: Wait…wait…wait. Stop the damn match. You know, I give you two Canucks the opportunity to join the best damn Federation on the planet, the One and Only Mystery Eskimo Federation, and what do you do? You bore me. For the past um…::checks watch:: 3 MINUTES, you just haven’t been…entertaining enough!

 

JT: THREE MINUTES?!?! THREE MINUTES?!?!? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

FR: Don’t you watch RAW, JT? Calm the hell down. What? (Oh shit).

 

::OUT OF NOWHERE, the ISLAND BOYZ HAVE APPEARED! Jamal gives Edge a gigantic SAMOAN DROP, while Rosie gives Test the Running Ass Charge of doom! They place Test & Edge in the 69 position and climb opposite turnbuckles…Jamal comes off one with a splash, followed by a splash by Rosie! They have left Test and Edge a bloodied and beaten mess!

 

SS: ::Laughing:: Oh…oh…oh…That is just TOO much. But I’ll tell you what. Next week, you two can make your TV debut, against Booker T and Goldust!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! WHAT AN ANNOUNCEMENT CONCERNING NEXT WEEK!

 

Result: No Contest in 3 MINUTES~!

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

:: The Masked Mystery Eskimo is in the ring ::

 

Eskimo: I'm pleased to introduce a very special guest here in the OAOMEF...

 

:: "Back in black" plays as Eric Bischoff appears and strolls to the ring! ::

 

Eskimo: Great to see you Eric! A pleasure to have you in my fed.

 

Eric: Well, with the money you paid me, I don't mind doing a little moonlighting.

 

Eskimo: Will you shut up about the money...Um, I mean...I notice you have a briefcase there, Eric! Looks pretty big!

 

Eric: Oh, yeah.

 

Eskimo: So...

 

Eric: Um...oh, right.

 

:: Bisch opens the case and pulls out A BIG GOLD BELT~! ::

 

Eskimo: *mock surprise* Wow Eric, what’s that?

 

Eric: It's the OAOMEF World Title, Mystery, and its all yours.

 

:: Eskimo puts on the belt and starts strutting round the ring ::

 

Eskimo: Now THIS is a title. In fact -

 

:: Eskimo is interrupted by some very familiar music as RIC FLAIR appears underneath the EskimoTron ::

 

Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Eskimo: What?

 

Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Eskimo: ...

 

Flair: You know, no one gets that belt without having me job to them for some credibility first!

 

Eskimo: Um...so?

 

Flair: So tonight, you don't get any credibility!

 

Eskimo: Er...I own the federation. Who cares.

 

Flair: Oh for fucks sake...

 

:: Flair dashes to the ring. Eskimo protests that this is not sanctioned, but Derek the Fish falls over onto the ring bell and the match is on! ::

 

Flair chops at the chest of Eskimo, who rocks back. Flair chops some more, until Eskimo gets pissed and chops back hard, shouting WOOOOOOOO into the face of Flair. Eskimo grabs Flair and hits belly to belly suplex. Eskimo grabs Flair back up and hits a German suplex. Again MME grabs Flair up and delivers a KillerWhalePlex! Derek the Fish, now dressed in a mini refs shirt, makes the count...1...2....NO! Flair kicks out!

 

JT: Yeah…yeah…LIKE DEREK WILL BE A FAIR REFEREE!

FR: He likes alcohol…that’s fine by me.

 

Eskimo looks at Derek, who shrugs. MME kicks Flair in the head several times but Flair hits the low blow of doom, followed by a suplex. Flair gets the figure four! Eskimo shouts in pain but manages to battle to the ropes. Eskimo argues with Derek, who appears to be both drunk and high. Flair and Eskimo lock up, with Eskimo overpowering the Nature Boy and hitting a DDT. Eskimo bounces off the ropes and hits a flying forearm as Flair gets up. Eskimo covers for two.

As Eskimo waves to the crowd, Flair gets up and cradles him! 1...2...Derek has cramp in his fin! He can't complete the count! Eskimo kicks out. Flair gets into Derek's face, but Eskimo grabs him from behind and delivers a Blizzard Bomb! 1...2...NO! Flair kicks out!

 

JT: ONLY TWO! ONLY TWO! I CAN’T BELIEVE FLAIR KICKED OUT OF A BLIZZARD BOMB!

 

Eskimo is furious and argues with Derek again, who merely waves him away and produces a bottle of whisky.

Flair attacks again but Eskimo hits a neckbreaker. Eskimo heads up top in a rare venture and debuts his FLYING ICICLE HEADBUTT off the top rope! This one’s over. 1...2...NO! Flair kicks out after Derek is distracted by a girl in the front row wearing a very small "I heart Derek" t-shirt and not much else.

 

FR: He’s fair…he just can’t keep his mind on the match! Now where’s my beer…

 

Eskimo goes to stop Derek leaving the ring, but Flair grabs him and starts chopping again. Eskimo rocks back but suddenly hits a lowblow, and as Flair staggers back, takes him down into the FROSTBITE FACELOCK~! Flair taps!

 

JT: That’s it! It’s over! Eskimo retains the OAOMEF World Title and gets his credibility!

FR: Hey, I beat Flair too! Tons of times! *Cough* …I mean, what a win!

 

Derek: The winner, and STILL OAOMEF World Champion...Masked Mystery ESK-IMO!

 

Result: Masked Mystery Eskimo, via Frostbite Facelock in 6:22.

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

One fall, 15 minute time limit

Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Chris Benoit

“Theme of Brock Lesnar” hits as the Next Big Thing enters the ring with Paul Heyman by his side! They enter the ring and Heyman grabs a microphone.

 

JT: Oh great, he’s going to speak, too.

FR: Hey, he used to read my faxes! Err…let’s hear what he has to say!

 

Heyman: It seems to me that the Internet smarks, like all you people claim to be, were deeply upset with the push to the moon that Brock Lesnar got over your workrate favorites. But you know what? We’re turning over a new leaf here in the OAOMEF…not only did BROCK LESNAR RELINQUISH THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP, He also promises to take his time here and know his role!

 

“Whatever” hits as The Crippler Chris Benoit comes down to the ring to a chorus of boos. He stares a hole into Lesnar, and the referee calls for the bell; this match is ON!

 

The two grapplers come into the ring, staring each other down. Lesnar tries a punch, but Benoit catches it and turns it into an arm wringer. He flips Lesnar down to the mat in a judo-like throw, and works an arm-BAR. Lesnar fights out and bodyslams Benoit to the canvas.

 

JT: What power by Lesnar!

 

Benoit shakes it off and immediately goes back to the arm, but Lesnar shoves him off and hits a NASTY LARIAT~! Cover: 1…2 Benoit kicked out. Benoit reverses a whip, but Lesnar hits a shoulder block, sending Benoit crashing to the canvas once again.

 

FR: Benoit really needs to get the advantage. He usually never does, like in my feud with him. I mean………aw fuck.

 

Lesnar chokes Benoit in the corner, but as he attempts a cross-corner whip, Benoit turns it into an arm drag, right into a cross-arm breaker!

 

JT: THERE’S YOUR ADVANTAGE! THERE’S YOUR ADVANTAGE! WHO BE BAD NOW?!?

FR: Shut the hell up before I open a can of whoop-ass on ya.

 

Lesnar gets to the ropes, but Benoit continues to beat on the shoulder, and hits a hammerlock-assisted bodyslam! Cover gets a one count. Lesnar no-sells and attempts another slam, but Benoit slips behind him and hits a German Suplex! And Another one! And the THIRD! Cover: 1…2…PAUL HEYMAN PULLS THE REFEREE OUT OF THE RING!

 

JT: That damn Paul Heyman and his interference!

 

Heyman jumps on the apron, but Benoit attacks him with a stiff right hand! However, he walks right into Lesnar’s F5! But wait…as he spins Benoit around, the Wolverine goes behind and hits a DRAGON SUPLEX! Benoit makes the “cut my throat” taunt, and climbs to the top rope!

 

JT: This one’s about to be finished, Steve! Err…I mean FRED!

FR: Uh… yeah. Except this move never hits.

 

From the top rope…Benoit hits the Swandive Headbutt! He doesn’t go for a cover, but instead locks in the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE~! Lesnar is in the middle of the ring with nowhere to go…and he TAPS!

 

JT: THAT’S IT! THIS IS HISTORY! LESNAR TAPS!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

“Here is your winner, Chris BEN-OIT!”

Result: Chris Benoit in 5:56.

 

::The Superstar is WALKING with his X-Title belt over his shoulder. The Coach stops him::

 

Coach: SUPERSTAR! Seeing as you’re headed to the ring, would you mind telling us who you’ll be defending your X-Title against, next?

 

Superstar: Coach, all I’m going to say is that he is one of the most feared competitors EVER in wrestling. That’s all.

 

JT: WHO COULD SUPERSTAR BE FIGHTING? FIND OUT NEXT!

 

*Commercial Break*

[Guest The Superstar]

One fall, 15 Minute Time Limit

OAOMEF X Championship

The Superstar © vs. ???

 

“Just Got Wicked” hits and the crowd jumps to their feet, but fills the arena with boos as the current X Champion, The Superstar, struts down the aisle. He has the X Title over his shoulder and the ever-present snarl on his face. He grabs a microphone.

 

The Superstar: “Now, I’m sure all you jackoffs are wondering who my opponent. Well, like I said, he is an awesome, intimidating force, and all of the wrestling world fears him…for the wrong reasons, of course. This man needs NO INTRODUCTION!”

 

“Theme from Wolfpac” hits as KEVIN NASH~! Walks to the ring flashing the Kliq sign! The crowd erupts and Nash’s ego grows by roughly 67.8%.

 

However, as Nash steps over the top rope into the ring, HE TEARS HIS QUAD AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, SCREAMING LIKE A GIRL IN PAIN!

 

JT: OH MAH GAWD!! OH MAH GAWD!! NASH HAS JUST TORN HIS QUAD AGAIN!

FR: …Bastard…

 

Superstar breaks kayfabe and checks on Nash. Not for his well being, of course. He grabs a microphone.

 

SS: Fuck! I fucking knew it! Listen, I paid you extra to return from injury early, and you fucking injure yourself, you fucking klutz!

 

Nash (meekly): Don’t…ask…for…the…cash…I…used…it…to…buy…Scott…booze…

 

SS: Alright, listen. You get your fucking crippled-ass out of this ring, and I DEMAND a replacement come down here RIGHT NOW!

 

JT: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!

 

“IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” The crowd erupts as THE GAME HIMSELF; TRIPLE H enters the OAOMEF ARENA!!!!!

HHH intensely walks to the ring, and jumps onto the ring apron! He INTENSELY SPITS HIS WATER! But wait!!! He just tripped and fell to the floor, and it looks like HE TORE HIS QUAD!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! TRIPLE H JUST TORE HIS QUADRICEPS MUSCLE ONCE AGAIN!

FR: …that’s what he gets for banging the bosses’ daughter…

 

The Superstar: WHAT THE FUCK?!? What am I, a jinx? Goddamnit, you know? I guess I’ll just have to postpone my title defense until next week.

::”Asshole” chant::

 

JT: WHO’S MISTER TOUGH GUY NOW, HUH!?!? WHAT A YELLA-BELLY!

FR: …fuck HHH…

 

Suddenly, on the EskimoTron, U2’s “Beautiful Day” plays, as the HHH Desire video is shown! Except, at the end of it, it says “Triple H Returns: September 26”!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! THAT’S NEXT WEEK!

 

Suddenly, on the EskimoTron, U2’s “Beautiful Day” plays, as a Kevin Nash Desire video is shown, featuring the highlights of his career! At the end, it says “Kevin Nash Returns: Whenever my hair is fucked up”!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT’LL BE!

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

Stephanie McMahon is in the ring when we return, and she has a large list with her!

 

Steph: Tonight, I’m going to tell you the 500 reasons why Smackdown! Is the better show than RAW or BREAKOUT! I’ll start with number 1: ME! #2 is Kurt Angle…he’s kinda cute. #3 is ME! #4 is same sex weddings! #5 is ME! #6 is my DAD (occasionally)! And…

 

FR: I’ve had enough of this shit! ::gets up and heads into the ring::

JT: FRED! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

 

Fred Rodriguez: WHAT? You know what Steph? Because of you, instead of being the 100% ass-whoopin’, bear drinkin’, middle finger flippin’ Rattlesnake, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, I’m stuck in the announce booth with a false name, a false attitude, and NO BEER! So from now on, my announcing gig is over! My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and I do not deserve to be treated like this! So before I whoop your ass, why don’t you take your surgically enhanced breasts, loose pussy, HHH-bangin’ ass outta this ring!

 

Steph: But…but…but…my dad! He’ll…he’ll…Um…HHH WILL BURY YOU!

 

Austin thinks about it, and then…STONE COLD STUNNER!!! STONE COLD STUNNER ON STEPHANIE! Austin flips her off and walks to the back. Eric Bischoff appears on the stage with a wide grin on his face.

 

Eric: Now THAT is entertainment. WATCH RAW! … AND BREAKOUT!

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

::Verdi’s “Requiem” hits as JINGUS comes to the ring slowly, his head bowed, his steps languid and unhurried. He takes the microphone from Michael Cole Of The Nine Fingers, who is cowering in fear, but strangely the Devilman lets the little goattee-wearing bitch escape unharmed. JINGUS steps into the center of the ring, and gazes out into the crowd. In a moment which seems like forever, he appears to look into the eyes of each and every single member of the audience, one by one. A silence engulfs the arena. Finally, with a calm and dignified veneer covering barely-conceiled rage, he speaks.::

 

"Not one post. Not one PM. Not one email. Not a SINGLE MENTION IN PASSING."

 

::He stops, and stares into the camera. Seconds pass. The fans start to shift nervously in their seats.::

 

"I see that you do not understand. Let me take you back, exactly one month and eight days ago. Ashes II Ashes. The day myself and my current employer, engaged in what was literally one hell of a match. The Inferno match. For ten long minutes, we walked through fire and brimstone for you people. We BURNED ALIVE for you. We did every conceivable thing, committed every possible atrocity, in order to give you sick freaks your money's worth. I lost that match. I submitted for the first and only time in my career. The pain was too great.

 

"Afterwards, as I lay in my hotel room, I thought, well, at least I gave the Internet something to talk about. So I booted up my computer, and with heavily bandaged fingers still aching in agony from second-degree burns, I took a look at the feedback for the show. And what did I find? "Great match, Sandman and Evenflow!" "Wow, that 200 Lightbulb match was brutal!" "That's the best deathmatch we've had in this company!" But about me? About my effort for you all? About my suffering? Nothing. Not a single goddamned word."

 

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE TO DICTATE WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS NOT!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY BUSINESS?!? You don't have the first clue, and you obviously don't give a flying shit about me. Don't pretend you do. I stumbled, my flesh burned, through that crowd, and NOBODY cared. No one offered to help. Nobody dumped their icy beverage over my blistered skin. And no one even mentioned it afterward. "Hey, that lightbulb match was awesome!" FUCK you. "That JINGUS, he's just a Kane ripoff." Fuck you all. Would Kane do this?!"

 

::JINGUS reaches up, and with one swift motion, rips the mask off his face. The crowd gasps in horror, because the Devilman's visage is a roadmap of huge scars, pocked here and there with old burns, jaw twisted out of proportion, yellow cracking fangs for teeth, a crookedly broken nose, and one eye is completely missing, leaving only a dark empty socket in its place.::

 

"Now you're just beginning to see. Only now do you understand. Light bulbs?!? Trivial shit. The cuts close within a week. The scars fade with time. I was COVERED IN FIRE, you godless bastards. And Sandman, when, not if but WHEN I meet you in the King of the Deathmatch tournament, you better be ready to go, boy. Because I'm going to take you places you've never even DREAMED of. And maybe, if you're lucky, some obese twenty-five-year-old virgin living in his mother's basement will type on his computer that it was two stars, and that "for a garbage match it didn't suck too badly". You people don't care about the blood, sweat, and tears that go into it.

 

"Which brings me to why I'm here. The Masked Mystery Eskimo cares about me. The Masked Mystery Eskimo was also burned alive. The Masked Mystery Eskimo understands MY pain. And since he's rich now, The Masked Mystery Eskimo now cares about putting food on MY table. The Masked Mystery Eskimo choose ME to be his partner for his challenge at the tag-team straps. And so, it is to The One And Only Mystery Eskimo Thread that I will dedicate my life to from now until its final, blessed end. That is all. Goodnight, motherfuckers."

 

::JINGUS starts to leave, without his mask, when he stops and picks up the mic again::

 

"Oh yeah, one more thing. MarioLogan...

 

"One day, I will kill you."

 

::Without another word, the Devilman exits the arena.::

 

JT: Truly shocking words by Jingus! Up next folks, it’s Angle-plex, Kurt Angle, and Hulk Hogan, for the OAOMEF USTV TITLE!

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

Triple Threat Elimination Match, 20 minute time limit

OAOMEF United States Television Championship

Angle-plex vs. Kurt Angle vs. Hulk Hogan

 

”Smack my Bitch up” by Prodigy hits as AP walks out to massive heat.

Medal hits and Kurt Angle walks out. Lots of "You Suck" chants.

"Real American" hits as Hogan walks out. He rips his shirt, revealing his man-breasts and wrinkled body.

 

AP gets a mic:

Angle-Plex: Hey Kurt, how about you and I take out this old piece of shit first, and after that me and you show all these people what REAL wrestling is all about!

 

JT: WHAT?!? THAT’S NOT FAIR, BAH GAWD!

 

Angle shakes his head, but then attacks Hogan. AP and Angle start stomping on Hogan in the corner. Angle picks Hogan up. He hits a German Suplex on the orange goblin. 1...2...KICKOUT! Hogan starts hulking up!

 

JT: THIS IS IT! THOSE TWO ANGLES ARE GOIN’ DOWN!

 

He hits Angle with 2 punches...but AP takes out Hogan's leg before he can hit the big boot. AP starts stomping on the leg, and Angle helps him out. AP and Angle look at each other and nod. They both pick up one of Hogan's legs.........DOUBLE ANKLE-LOCK! Hogan can't take the pain! He taps!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! MAH GAWD! THE DOUBLE ANKLE LOCK! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOGAN TAPPED OUT! BUT THE PAIN MUST’VE BEEN UNMEASUREABLE!

 

Angle immediately tackles AP. AP gets Angle in guard position. Angle buries his elbows into AP's thighs, forcing AP to release the guard. Angle moves into the mount. He goes for a choke, but AP reverses it and puts Angle on the floor. AP goes for an armbar, but Angle reverses it into a triangle choke! AP is losing oxygen! AP forces his way to the ropes. Angle breaks the hold, but when he is getting up AP punches him in the face. AP goes onto the ring apron, and hits a summersault-legdrop on Angle. 1...2...KICKOUT!

 

JT: What a move! This match is getting very competitive, very fast!

 

AP attempts an Angle-Plex, but Angle reverses it into a small package! 1...2...KICKOUT! Angle picks up AP and hits an Angle Slam! 1...2....KICKOUT! Angle moves in for the kill.........ANKLE LOCK! AP is screaming in pain! AP rolls over and put Angle in an armbar! Angle rolls over, but AP does at the same time! Angle can't reach the ropes.....ANGLE TAPS! ANGLE TAPS!

 

JT: ANGLE TAPS! BAH GAWD! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! WE HAVE OUR VERY FIRST OAOMEF USTV CHAMPION!

 

Winner: Angle-plex by submission in 10:42.

 

AP and Angle shake hands after the match. AP gets a mic.

 

Angle-Plex: I want to introduce my new manager. A legend in pro-wrestling. A man that knows how to do business the easy way AND the hard way.........former mobster: Joe. E. Servello!

 

The Godfather theme plays and the 450 pound Joe. E. Servello makes his way out to the ring. He is wearing a nice suit, and has a briefcase in his hands.

 

JT: MAH GAWD! That man is obese!

 

Joe E.: My client deserves better than this! I'm going to make sure he gets what he is worth from now on, and if the owners don't agree to the price, well, I'm sure there are other ways we can see that my client gets his money.............

 

AP laughs.

 

AP: I'm feeling pretty good tonight, so I'm going to go sit right down there in the front row, so I can be entertained.

 

::AP and Joe. E. climb out of the ring and sit in the front row::

 

JT: Wait! What’s this? Someone’s coming to the ring?!?

 

::The lights in the arena go off. After a few minutes, they come back on to reveal none other than GHAST~ in the ring!::

 

Ghast: I hope all of you die!

 

::Crowd boos::

 

Ghast: I'm sick of all you asses making fun of me! I'm sick of...............

 

::Angleplex gets up and gets a mic::

 

Angleplex: Why don't you shut the fuck up and get out of MY ring!

 

Ghast: You want to fight?

 

AP: I already fought once tonight, but I'll still give you the pleasure of getting your ass kicked by a true superstar......................

 

Joe E: Hold on AP! You don't got to do this. I can make other arrangements to make sure that this fuckin' faggot never walks within 100 feet of you ever again.

 

AP: That's alright. I want to show these fans just how fucking great I really am!

 

Ghast: Ok, and if I win, I get a job in the OAOMEF!

 

::AP and Joe E talk to each other::

 

:Joe E: My client accepts your challenge on one stipulation: If he wins, he never sees your face again. You got that?

 

Ghast: DEAL!

 

::Angleplex tells them to ring the bell::

 

Angle-Plex vs GHAST~!

 

AP enters the ring. Ghast attacks AP as soon as he enters. Ghast chops AP with his signature CHOPS OF DEATH~! AP starts to chop him back. AP picks up Ghast and hits a scoop slam. AP runs to the turnbuckles. Frog Splash! 1..2...KICKOUT!

 

JT: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT DEATH-WISHIN’ SON OF A BITCH KICKED OUTTA THAT!

 

AP puts Ghast in a sleeper. Ghast reverses the sleeper into a jawbreaker. AP falls to the mat. Ghast runs off the ropes and drops an ELBOW OF DEATH onto AP. 1....KICKOUT! Ghast gets up and signals for the CHOKESLAM OF ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH~! He gets ready...but Joe E. runs in the ring and hits Ghast with the suitcase.

 

JT: THAT CHEAT! AS MUCH AS I HATE THAT DEATH-WISHIN’ SON OF A BITCH, HE DESERVES A FAIR SHAKE!

 

AP runs at Ghast and hits him with a clothesline! He puts Ghast in the ANKLE LOCK! Ghast scrambles to the ropes. AP distracts the ref as Joe E. hits Ghast over the head with a chair for the second time! AP picks Ghast up....ANGLE-PLEX! 1...2....3! It's over!

 

JT: THAT’S IT! GHAST IS OUTTA HERE!

 

AP is celebrating with Joe. E. in the ring when Ghast puts his right hand down his pants. The crowd is shocked as he whips out his..................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9mm Pistol! He points it at AP...BAM! He got a shot off, but it missed! Security takes Ghast away to prison, where he will stay for a long, long time!

 

JT: THAT WAS CLOSE! WHAT A BASTARD!

 

Winner: Angle-plex by pinfall in 4:01.

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to point out that in the crowd tonight- none other than Mr. Bob Baron, with Avril!

 

::Crowd Cheers::

 

The Un-American music hits as William Regal walk out from behind the stage. Bob is going crazy. Regal walks over and shakes Bob's hand!

 

Gay generic music hits and out comes...JOHN CENA! He has that gay smirk on his face.

 

Cena runs into the ring and tackles Regal. Regal no-sells the tackle and puts Cena in a abdominal stretch. Cena does a hip toss to Regal. He runs at Regal, but Regal knocks him down with a right hand! Regal moves in for the kill..........REGAL STRETCH~! Cena taps like a little girl. Regal releases the hold and invites Bob Baron to celebrate with him in the ring. They both stomp the hell out of Cena, and then walk to the back together.

 

Winner: William Regal by submission in 1:52.

 

JT: That was brief! What a win for Regal on this debut show! Wait…we’re getting feed from the back. Mystery Eskimo is backstage!

 

MME: Yes JT, it is I, your OAOMEF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~! I would like to say that I KNOW the crowd hasn’t seen enough of me tonight! ::mixed reaction::

 

Therefore, I will fight once again, in a non-title match against a well-deserving WWE superstar! As a matter of fact, that match is next! And my opponent… ::the camera pans over to reveal…

 

CHRIS JERICHO!

 

Jericho: The burying…is over. Let’s go, Eskimo. ::Crowd goes apeshit::

 

*Commercial*

[Guest The Superstar]

One Fall, 20 minute time limit

Mystery Eskimo vs. Chris Jericho

 

::The Y2J Countdown hits zero, and “Break the Walls Down” hits as the former first ever Undisputed WWF Champion, Chris Jericho enters the arena. The crowd goes nuts as he struts to the ring and enters::

 

::”Ice Ice Baby” hits and the crowd gives a heavy mixed reaction for the OAOMEF World Heavyweight Champion, Mystery Eskimo! He gets off his sled and slides into the ring, without Derek at his side (he’s probably drinking in the back). The do an intense staredown and the bell is rung!::

 

The staredown commences as the two grapplers circle each other. They go into a front lockup, Jericho pushes MME into the corner but gives a clean break. They circle and lock up again, this time MME pushes Jericho into the corner, gives a clean break, and then SLAPS~! Jericho!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! And we’re not talking about John Cena GAY SLAPS OF DEATH HERE!

 

Jericho shoves MME, and tackles him down, as the two engage in a fistfight! Jericho knocks MME down again and attempts the Walls of Jericho, but MME kicks him out of the ring!

 

JT: Jericho tried his finisher there, but Eskimo sent him tumbling to the outside!

 

As Jericho recovers on the outside, MME charges and nails a pescado! He picks up Jericho and drops him sternum-first onto the security guardrail! Eskimo rolls him back into the ring at the referee’s 6 count. Irish whip by Eskimo, but Y2J comes bounding back with a flying forearm!

 

JT: Jericho trying to make a comeback in the early stages of this match!

 

Jericho waits for Eskimo to get up and hits a scoop slam, followed by two elbow drops. Cover only gets a 2 count. Eskimo reverses a Jericho whip, but telegraphs a backdrop and Y2J uses the HHH FACEBUSTER~!

 

JT: HOW’D YA LIKE THAT, HHH?! YA BASTARD!

 

Cover after the facebuster gets two. Jericho takes MME into the corner and hits some nasty CANADIAN VIOLENCE~! However, MME turns the tables and hits punches, chops, and kicks on Jericho before giving him a cross corner whip and corner AVALANCHE! As Jericho stumbles out of the corner, MME hits a vicious LARIAT! Cover: 1, 2…NO!

 

JT: What a back and forth match this is!

 

Eskimo picks Y2J up and signals for the Igloo DDT…but Jericho counters into a northern-lights suplex! Cover: 1…2…NO! However, Eskimo no-sells it and nails Jericho with a Penguin Kick! He’s slow to cover…1…2…Jericho kicked out! Jericho reverses an Eskimo whip, and hits a beautiful stalling vertical suplex. He puts one foot on Eskimo’s chest, and it’s the ARROGANT COVER~! It only gets two. Eskimo comes back with some punches and kicks, but as he attempts the Falcon Arrow, Jericho goes behind and nails a desperation FLASHBACK, Y2J’s version of the Drop Sleeper! We have a double KO, as the ref starts the count. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…both men start to stir…8…both men are up but groggy, as Jericho attempts the Breakdown! However, Eskimo counters with a mule kick! Now Eskimo goes behind and nails the KILLER WHALE PLEX! Cover: 1…2…NO! Jericho kicked out!

 

JT: MAH GAWD! WHAT AN UNBELIEVEABLE MATCH THIS IS!

 

Frustrated, Eskimo locks in the Polar Bear Clutch! MME’s version of the Camel Clutch seems to be wearing Jericho down to the bone, but suddenly the crowd breaks into a loud “Y2J” chant! Jericho starts to fight out of the hold, but as he whips Eskimo into the ropes, MME purposely nails the ref from behind! Eskimo starts laughing, but doesn’t see Jericho behind him, and Jericho hits the BREAKDOWN~!

 

JT: THIS ONE IS OVER! BUT THERE’S NO REFEREE!

 

Jericho doesn’t try to go for the cover (he’s not stupid, ya know), but instead locks in the WALLS OF JERICHO! And this is the full, old-school LIONTAMER version! After about a minute, Eskimo is tapping…

 

JT: LIKE A DRUNK MAN~!

 

Out of nowhere, Jingus comes charging to the ring! He runs right up to Jericho and gives him a nasty CLAWSLAM~!

 

JT: DAMN YOU JINGUS! DAMN YOUR SOUL TO BAH GAWD HELL!

 

He slides out of the ring and revives the ref as Eskimo covers for the easy 1…2…3 NO!!!! ONLY 2!! THE CROWD IS GOING APESHIT! Jingus can’t believe it, Eskimo can’t believe it, and Jericho is still in this thing! Jericho starts firing back with rights and lefts, but as he charges to the ropes, Jingus grabs his leg and pulls Y2J out of the ring!

 

JT: I THOUGHT HE WAS A FAIR MODERATOR?!?! DAMN HIM!

 

Eskimo distracts the referee, as Jingus attempts a DEVILBOMB on Jericho on the outside! However, Jericho backdrops Jingus, who lands hard on the concrete! Eskimo is climbing to the top rope, apparently to try a moonsault to the outside. However, the ref is telling him to get down, when Jericho jumps up top with him and hits a SICK TOP ROPE FACE CRUSHER! Jericho runs towards the ropes…springboard…LIONSAULT~!

 

JT: THIS IS IT! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!

 

The crowd is counting…

 

1…

 

2…

 

*DING DING DING*

 

JT: What? Was it three?

 

The crowd is going crazy and Jericho is celebrating.

 

Announcer: The 20-minute time limit HAS EXPIRED! THEREFORE, this match has been declared a DRAW!

 

JT: WHAT?!? COME ON!

 

The crowd starts chanting “Five More Minutes!” The Superstar comes out to the ringside area.

 

Superstar: I know you’re all clamoring for five more minutes. And you know what? I’m going to give it to you, and then some. ::Crowd pops:: In 2 weeks on OAOMEF Breakout, we’ll see Chris Jericho and the Masked Mystery Eskimo go at it in a NO TIME LIMIT match for the OAOMEF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Why 2 weeks, you ask? Well, next week on Breakout!, we’ll have the first ever OAOMEF Battle Royal, contested under Royal Rumble rules! Thank you!

 

Apparently, Jericho and Eskimo don’t want to wait until next week, as they start brawling again! As referees run down to break up the chaos, the credits come up.

 

JT: THANK YOU EVERYONE! We hope you enjoyed the One and Only Mystery Eskimo Federation’s debut show, BREAKOUT! We’ll see you next week!

 

Executive Producers

The Superstar

Mystery Eskimo

Angle-plex

Jingus

 

Thanks for contributing!

 

© 2002 OAOMEF Entertainment, Inc.