MTV Movie Awards 2002

[Guest TSMAdmin]

When the stars are arriving on a purple leopard skin carpet and Ja Rule (who is so small Katie Holmes TOWERS over him) is one of the interviewers you know you can only be watching MTV. This is Gen-X’s version of the Academy Awards, which makes it a celebration of explosions, gross-out humor, teen sex scenes and really good looking kids that’d be better off as models in an American Eagle advertisement than actors. Although I will admit, if not for American Pie I wouldn’t be able to call Sharon Osbourne (who flashed the crowd during the pre-show) a MILF. So I guess a show like this has its place.

 

All bitching aside it’s now time for an MTV Special Presentation!!! (as if they actually focus on the “M” in their name anymore)

 

Your hosts are Sarah “My engagement mocks real men everywhere” Michelle Gellar and Jack “I’ve made a living out of looking like I just crawled out of bed” Black.

 

We open with a cleverly edited spoof of Dr. Tom’s favorite summer blockbuster, Spider-Man. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays the part of Mary Jane and Tobey Maguire plays Peter Parker (through use of footage from the actual film). Buffy’s looking for a co-host with more “cushion for the pushin’” than her former co-host, Jimmy Fallon. What? Was Rosie O’Donnell busy at Nick with the Kid’s Choice Awards or something? Given the recent admission of her sexual preference, I’m sure she would’ve found time for Buffy tonight had MTV asked. I wonder if she’ll ever host ANYTHING on Nick anymore, actually, now that’s she “out”.

 

Anyhoo, a radioactive spider with Jack Black’s face bites Tobey, Tobey goes home to take a nap and wakes up as…Jack Black. Black in front of his mirror: “What the hell happened to me? I’m totally freaking hot…YEAH! My hands…they’re all hairy and sticky. No change there.”

 

The segment then drags on way longer than it has any business doing like an SNL skit from Hell until we get the payoff: Jack and Sarah re-enacting that upside down kiss in the rain scene complete with Buffy sporting some (possibly fake, but definitely) perky nipples to poke (no pun intended) fun at Kirsten Dunst’s very real pert nipples from that scene in the movie. I thought this segment was never gonna end. MTV always does a good job of recreating the sets of the movies they parody, though, so that’s always worth a look.

 

Jack and Sarah then do a corny song and dance number that somehow manages to include Andy Garcia, Brittany Murphy, Andy Dick and about 20 dancers dressed up like popcorn. If you’ve ever done LSD or any similar drug, I implore you to change the channel now.

 

Charlize Theron and Jennifer Garner (TV’s Alias and Electra in the new Daredevil movie) are out to present the award for Best Male Performance. Charlize is so fine that I just may name my first born daughter after her. Wait…I already did. The nominees are: Will Smith (Ali), Vin Diesel (The Fast & The Furious), Russell Crowe (A Beautiful Mind), Elijah Wood (Lord of the Rings), and Josh Hartnett (Pearl Harbor). Your winner: Will Smith. It’s no Oscar, but I know he’ll take it. Probably not the best idea for him to trot up to the podium to the tune of R. Kelly's "The World's Greatest" considering everything going down with Robert in the news lately. Will tells us all how filming Ali was hard on his relationship with his wife, Jada, but it wasn’t all bad because he got in tremendous shape and that she can attest to that personally. *wink-wink*

 

Commercial Break – Adam Sandler’s Mr. Deeds is out on June 28th. Frat boys rejoice!!!

 

Freddie Prinze, Jr., Linda Cardellini and Matthew Lillard are out next to present the award for Best Kiss, the first of the MTV-style stupid achievment awards. Here is where I usually make a joke about Freddie Sr. killing himself and how Junior should do the same thing, but that would be in poor taste so I’ll refrain. But honestly, are these poor kids really under the impression that people are actually gonna come out and pay good money to see a CGI Scooby Doo? I say it grosses slightly more than the last big Prinze/Lillard project, Wing Commander.

 

The nominees are: Colin Firth & Renee Zellweger (Bridgette Jones’ Diary), Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge), Beverly Polcyn & Mia Kirshner (Not Another Teen Movie), Shannyn Sossamon & Heath Ledger (A Knight’s Tale) and Jason Biggs & Sean William Scott (American Pie 2). If I have to tell you who won, you don’t watch enough MTV. Scott looks like he just escaped from some unnamed rehab clinic. Biggs isn’t there due to his performing “The Graduate” on Broadway. Insert your own joke there. Scott thanks a few make-out partners from his past, some as far back as 6th grade.

 

Kate Beckinsale and Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew are up next to present the award for Best Action Sequence. Nicolas Cage apparently stole from the wardrobe department of “Gone in 60 Seconds” while filming and decided to bust out those appropriated digs tonight. The nominees are: Pearl Harbor, The Fast & The Furious, Black Hawk Down and Lord of the Rings. Your winner: Pearl Harbor. Michael Bay is actually there to accept the award. He notes that he made an action star out of Cage and that he got his start doing music videos, as if we couldn’t tell by watching fifteen minutes of Armageddon.

 

I certainly hope that Bay wasn’t going for a serious homage that pays tribute to the vets of Pearl Harbor like Spielberg did with Saving Private Ryan and D-Day. It works much better as a 3-hour music video with one of the most infamous days in American history as the backdrop. At least Bay got his little golden popcorn thingie.

 

After the commercial break, we get yet another MTV-style spoof; this time of Lord of the Rings. Jack Black has taken the Ring and gotten a Prince Albert with it. The less said about this segment the better.

 

Vin Diesel and Eve are on stage next to present the award for Breakthrough Female. The nominees are: Britney Spears (Crossroads), Penelope Cruz (Blow), Anne Hathaway (The Princess Diaries), Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight’s Tale) and Mandy Moore (A Walk to Remember). Your winner: Mandy Moore. Mandy gives a very Sally Field-like serious acceptance speech saying that winning the award is “truly an honor” without a hint of irony. At the MTV Movie Awards. Backstage, Vin needs to lay his pimp hand down and smack her. Hard.

 

The White Stripes perform next. Admittedly, I don’t know a lot about this band so I can’t tell you what song they performed or what any of the lyrics were, as I couldn’t understand them. But the set and the 200 people onstage with them were all dressed in red and white so I guess it ‘looked’ pretty cool.

 

Katie Holmes and Bow Wow are up next to present the award for Best Villian. Bow Wow, who apparently has dropped the “Lil” from his name, busts a rhyme for the crowd. Katie Holmes: “Word.” I still love her. The nominees are: Tim Roth (Planet of the Apes), Zhang Ziyi (Rush Hour 2), Denzel Washington (Training Day), Aaliyah (Queen of the Damned) and Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings).

 

I thought Aaliyah would win (not that I wanted her to) just because of her recent death and the likelihood of MTV to play up just such an event. (she won Best Crossover artist on some MTV special earlier this week) I thought Christopher Lee SHOULD win just on general principle, considering he also played the awesome Count Dooku in Episode II. But Denzel takes the honors via a pre-taped acceptance speech. Darn. It’s the Oscars all over again. Black people are taking over, I tell you!

 

On the stairs wait MTV Jackass celeb, Johnny Knoxville and MIB II’s Will Smith. I’m sort of digging Smith’s iced-out platinum dog tags but Knoxville’s shades are speaking to me as well. They’re saying either “Get your mind right, boss” or “Respect my authoritah!”; I can’t decide which. I think they’re out to present Best Musical Sequence or something. I don’t know, really, my head is starting to hurt. The nominees are: Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge), Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 2), Heath Ledger and Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight’s Tale) and Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge AGAIN in the same category). Your winner: well, with 50% of the nominations what do you think? Moulin Rouge, the Ewan & Nicole version. Ewan has either joined a homosexual paramilitary faction or is filming the sequel to “Velvet Goldmine” by the looks of him.

 

Jackass: the Movie is out in October. Backyard copycat idiots rejoice!!! MTV is debuting YET ANOTHER reality-based show starting on June 24th. It’s called Sorority Life. When asked why they joined sororities, ALL of the girls they interviewed answered with “meeting boys and fraternity parties.” This’ll be a fun show that will embarrass countless 20-something females for years to come. Hooray!

 

Back from commercial, Chris Rock introduces Eminem. Em “flies” out (with the help of a harness and suspension cable) in the Robin-esque outfit he wears in his latest video. He lands next to a telephone booth, goes inside and comes out in his best B-Boy gear ready to launch into his single, “Without Me”. First time I’ve seen that. Most superheroes do it the opposite way and use the booth to turn into their superpowered alter ego, not their regular one…but I digress. You know, if Em really wanted to stir up some shit and piss off an overly sensitive section of society, he should’ve flown out in a Blue Blazer outfit. Just saying. I kept scanning the crowd for Natalie Portman to see if she was jamming to Em but then I realized she goes to Harvard. I just don’t see her as being a big time party girl, ya know? I gave up after one too many shots of Brittany Murphy acting like a dork.

 

Next is Matt Damon and some chick who’s name I didn’t catch out to present the award for Best Fight. The nominees are: Ian McKellan vs. Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings. Another award Lee should win simply because he also had a kick-ass fight scene in Episode II...with Yoda, no less), Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan vs. The Hong Kong Triads (Rush Hour 2), Anglelina Jolie vs. That Robot (Tomb Raider) and Jet Li vs. Himself (The One). Chris Tucker manages to bring the show to a grinding halt and the room fills with an uncomfortable silence when he name drops U2’s Bono and talks about how a trip to Ethiopia and Ghana “changed his life” during his acceptance speech. Hopefully, Vin Diesel has some bitch-slaps left in him for Tucker once he gets backstage, too.

 

Jack Black lampoons yet another flick with SNL’s Will Ferrell. Apparently Jodie Foster was supposed to present an award on the show tonight but when Will and Jack fly to her house to pick her up, she runs like they were the script for Anna and the King or Contact and locks herself in the Panic Room. This officially earns Foster the title “Smartest Woman on MTV” tonight. Hilary Swank (Insomnia) presents the award for Best New Filmmaker instead.

 

Swank reveals the winner, written backwards on her tight abs, as Christopher Nolan, director of Memento; a film “that went boldly backward yet pushed the art form bravely forward.” Swank showing off her flat stomach in this room is like Jenna Jameson showing off her implants at the Adult Video News Awards. It was nice of MTV to recognize Nolan, however, as he got screwed at the Oscars. I enjoyed this segment and MTV’s Memento clip package.

 

Eddie Griffin comes out dressed as Undercover Brother (which means he just added an afro wig to his usual wardrobe) with Brittany Murphy to present the award for Breakthrough Male. The nominees are: Colin Hanks (Orange County), DMX (Exit Wounds), Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings,) and Paul Walker (The Fast & The Furious). Right before Brittany is supposed to announce the winner, she gets off that “I’ll never tell” line from that thrilling commercial flop, Don’t Say a Word and the audience actually cheers. Lethally inject me now. The winner is the archer from LOTR, Orlando Bloom, who in his pre-taped acceptance speech is a dead-ringer for the guy who played Sean Patrick Flannery’s brother in The Boondock Saints.

 

Ben Affleck and Bridgette Moynahan are up next to present the award for Best Comedic Performance. The nominees are: Mike Myers (Shrek), Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 2), Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde), Eddie Murphy (Shrek) and Sean William Scott (American Pie 2). If you need any more proof that these awards are rigged, look no further. American Pie 2 and Rush Hour 2 have already won awards, so they can’t take this one, too. That wouldn't be fair; we have to spread the wealth. So Reese Witherspoon walks away with the popcorn dealie. Reese herself admits that her 3-year old daughter thought the donkey was funnier. If not the donkey then certainly Chris Tucker. Smell the RACISM~! At least we didn’t have to endure an unfunny Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler this year.

 

Sarah and Jack realize that the show is running ahead of schedule, not behind like most awards shows and they have to figure out a way to fill up one minute of air time. Luckily for them, Martin Lawrence is chillin’ in a glass case on stage left in case of just such an emergency. They break the glass and out comes Martin to shill his new concert movie due out on August 2nd. Well, that was interesting. A black man in a glass case offstage to be used only in emergency? I’m not the least bit bitter about that. Nope, uh-uh, not me.

 

In the “I couldn’t make it up if I wanted to” portion of our program, The Prince of F*cking Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne introduces his daughter Kelly, who performs a punked-out version of the Madonna classic, “Papa Don’t Preach”. I hope Kelly has thoroughly enjoyed the fifteen minutes of fame that MTV and her famous father have afforded her. Because this’ll be in one of those “Worst” or “Most Embarrassing” clip show packages before next year’s movie awards.

 

Adam Sandler and Winona Ryder are out next to present the award for Best Onscreen Team. The nominees are: Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 2), Vin Diesel & Paul Walker (The Fast & The Furious), Cameron Diaz, Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy (Shrek), The Heist Team (Ocean’s 11) and Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson (Zoolander). You know, there was a time when I thought that Diesel would be making more Oscar acceptance speeches than MTV Movie award speeches but after seeing the trailers for xXx, he’ll be an MTV regular long before he ever sees an Oscar nomination. Too bad, really; the kid's got "it". He and Paul Walker let all the teeny boppers scream long and hard for them for a while without really saying anything before leaving the podium. I'm not even gonna touch on the absurdity of them beating out one of the coolest ensemble of actors to come together for one movie in a long damned time in Ocean's 11.

 

Your Goddess and Mine, Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor (who absolutely REFUSES to change that ghey-ass sleeveless sweater of his) are out to present Best Female Performance. The nominees are: Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider), Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge), Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde), Halle Berry (Monster’s Ball), Kate Beckinsale (Pearl Harbor). Kidman gets the duke to avenge her loss to Berry at a show that actually mattered. I swear that's the only reason Berry was even nominated in the first place; her nod seemed real out of place on this show. At least now, Nicole can go back to Australia and tell all the koalas and kangaroos that'll listen that she beat Halle Berry out at something this year. Something tells me that she'll leave out the fact that Angelina Jolie in frickin' Tomb Raider was a nominee in her category, though.

 

Last but not least, Mike Myers is out to present the award for Best Movie. The nominees are (pretty terrible to be honest): Legally Blonde, The Fast and The Furious, Shrek, Black Hawk Down and Lord of the Rings. I think the choice is obvious. Peter Jackson accepts his award in a pre-taped speech. I never knew Jackson was such a short arse. He could really just cast himself as a hobbit in the next flick.

 

And that’s the show. No really fun or newsworthy moments to speak of, for the most part. I’m constantly amazed that big stars like Will Smith, Nicolas Cage, Ben Affleck & Matt Damon and such still show up for shows like this. I mean, this is only a notch above the Blockbuster Awards if not its equal. Yet, the Independent Spirit Awards can barely find a spot on TV and even if they do a small film, these same stars don’t bother to show. I guess it’s all about all the hot teen ass scattered about at the hip after-parties. I know it'd be a powerful motivator for me.

 

O. R. Polk, Jr.