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Velocity Recap for 9/14/2002:


Crucifixio Jones here, scourge of internet messageboards everywhere and YOUR new Velocity recapper. I’ve been wanting to try my hand at this recap thing for a minute so I’m glad that TSM has given me the opportunity to try my hand at it finally. I fully intend to let them down and show the world what a big mistake they’ve made and just how lax their criteria for writers is. I hope to crash and burn and receive tons of hate mail. Help me along with that, won’tcha?


As an added bonus, joining me tonight I have a special guest: My very own seed, my 18-month-old-daughter, Charlie the Foul Mouthed Smark. She doesn’t really grasp the “worked” nuances of the “sport”, but man, the mouth on her can stop a train on its tracks. As MC Hammer would say: “Let’s get it started!”


In all honesty, this being TNN and all, the opener had me fooled. With all the racecars, I thought I was about to watch a NASCAR broadcast until they showed The Rock. I guess to good ol boys, Velocity can only mean one thing: funny cars.




Reverend D-Von versus Shannon Moore:

You know, I still say WWE is missing out by not dressing Moore up as Hurricane’s sidekick. It’d work a lot better than Molly, I think. D-Von boots Moore and beats him down to start. An irish whip to the corner by D-Von and he beats Moore down some more. Moore fights outta the corner, armdrags D-Von and a Moore hurracanrana gets 2. Moore walks into a tilt-a-whirl slam by D-Von. D-Von strikes upon Moore with “great vengeance and furious anger”. I’m sensing a pattern already. D-Von punches himself out ala George Foreman/Muhammad Ali and hits the chinlock. Moore refuses to let D-Von sit on his ass and fights out of it. D-Von rather likes working his slower pace so he knees Moore in the ribs to stop his comeback. Moore makes it to his feet and hops to the second turnbuckle, leaps off and gets clotheslined outta his shiny dungarees by the good Rev.


Charlie: GODDAMN!


While the ref tends to the murderlized Moore, D-Von tries to remove the padding from the top turnbuckle. The ref sees it and sends D-Von away while he tries to fix it. While the ref’s back is turned, of course, Moore gets a backslide. It only gets two when the ref turns back around.


Charlie: I hate it when the goddamned refs are slow like that. What are they? Fuckin’ BLIND?


Moore walks into a D-Von sidewalk slam. D-Von goes up top but comes up shorter than TAZZ on his flying headbutt attempt. Moore regains the offensive and gets a second-rope moonsault on a standing D-Von. It gets 2. A running swinging neckbreaker on D-Von gets another 2-count. D-Von retaliates with a jawbreaker. And irish whip by D-Von gives Moore the opportunity to fire off his other highspot, his corkscrew plancha which gets 2. Moore then goes for a hurracanrana but D-Von lifts him up, over and onto that DAMNED exposed turnbuckle. The Saving Grace finishes it for D-Von.


Charlie: D-Von wins. Through the blessings of God.


Your LUGZ Boot of the Week is Rikishi’s Stinkface on The Canadian Crippler, Chris Benoit with an assist from Kurt Angle.


Charlie: Angle’s a fuckin’ face? Oh, it must be September again…


Kidman versus Randy Orton:

Lockup to start, Orton controls and a drop toehold takes down Kidman where Orton applies a front facelock. To their feets where Kidman goes behind, Orton goes behind and Kidman takes Orton down with a flying mare. Orton pops right back up and attempts to reverse a Kidman armdrag, but Kidman reverses that, ducks an Orton clothesline and comes off of the ropes with a flying headscissors. Orton staggers into a corner but avoids a Kidman blind charge by leaping over him and gets a rollup for 2. Orton hits Kidman with a big shoulderblock. Orton attempts to pick Kidman up from the mat, but Kidman kicks him off and the two trade armdrags before doing the whole ECW-style mutual respect standoff. Kidman offers his hand and Orton slaps him five.


The two circle each other before Orton lands a boot to the midsection and whips Kidman. Kidman slides under Orton and comes up with a dropkick. It gets 2. Irish whip by Kidman is reversed into some sort of weird guillotine/neckbreaker move by Orton that gets 2. Kidman sells the back and not the neck, so I guess that’s the area it’s supposed to target. Orton goes to an armbar. Kidman gets to his feet and punches out of it but walks into a HIGH dropkick by Orton. A Kidman irish whip is again reversed by Orton. Orton lifts Kidman to powerbomb him but…


Charlie: COME ON! Even I know better than this shit…


Kidman gets a 2 count. Orton comes back with a powerslam for 2. Orton picks up Kidman for a scoop slam but Kidman’s hair allows for an easy escape. Kidman tries to insert his foot into Orton’s breadbasket, but Orton intercepts. A Kidman enziguiri gets 2. Kidman whips Orton to the far corner and charges in. Orton gets a boot up and into Kidman’s face. That loud crack you hear is Orton slapping his thigh so obviously that my one-year old daughter exclaims:


Charlie: Get that greenhorn fucking OVW rookie offa my TV and back to Cornette! NEPOTISM~!


I’ve grown accustomed to her swearing. I just agreed and moved on. Orton comes off the second rope with a bulldog that gets hiim 2. Orton up top with a high crossbody that earns him another 2. Orton puts Kidman between his legs and admires the view. A powerbomb attempt…


Charlie: Fucking dumbass…


Gets Orton’s face planted for 2. Kidman sets Orton up for the Shooting Star Press but Orton is up and plants a few forearms on Kidman’s kisser. Orton tries a superplex, but Kidman shoves him off and lands a missile dropkick for 2. Kidman goes for the Acid Drop ala Spike Dudley, but Orton shows his superior knowledge and tape-watching acumen and reverses it into Elix Skipper’s Overdrive for the win. Man, did that Hogan “rub” thing work out for Billy or what?


Charlie: Unforgiven is next Sunday! Hogan. The Rock. Will the Undertaker be the next superstar to take a vacation after putting over the Vanilla Gorilla?


We now recap the “Commitment Ceremony” from Smackdown between Billy and Chuck. Those two apparently were big news all last week, getting some ink in the New York Times, The New York Post, USA Today and appearing on both Howard Stern and the Today Show. On the Today Show, Matt Lauer presented Chuckabilly with a gravy boat from GLAAD. I suppose that’s for all the copious amounts of MAN CHOWDAH~! those two are supposed ta be chuggin’ after the ceremony. Or to shoehorn in a few gerbils in the appropriate area. We join the ceremony in progress during The Godfather’s interruption. I guess this is who we get when WWE can’t secure The Honky Tonk Man or the Road Dogg like they wanted. Since I had to watch something I’ve already seen this week, you’ll just have to READ something you’ve already seen this week. Courtesy of JHawk:


Godfather digs Rico's threads, but he has to stop the ceremony anyway, because the truth must be heard. Apparently, Billy was so successful with Godfather's ladies that he was asked to stay away. And Chuck was apparently a ladies man with his brother, but he was a fat chick thriller. Wrong former WCW wrestler, Godfather, but close enough. Rico takes offense to the interruption, so "Please removeth thyself from the building." Godfather tells Rico he doesn't know what he's missing. And he's leaving! Don't take the hos! At least leave the blonde in the red for me! Rico wants to go straight to the end (thank God). So we're at the "I do" part, but both men are looking confused. Rico's forcing the issue. Billy says yes, and Rico breathes a sigh of relief. Chuck says yes, but only after Rico prods him into it. Interesting... BUT WAIT! Chuck stops the pronouncement. Both men claim they're not gay and that this was just a publicity stunt. Billy: "In fact, even if I was gay, I probably wouldn't be marrying Chuck." Rico is screaming, and the Justice of the Peace is trying to interrupt. "Commitments are sacred, and it doesn't matter if they last 50 years, 16 months, or 3 minutes." FUCK YEAH! Rico gets a shot on Billy, Chuck gets a shot on Rico, and out comes Rosie and Jamal as Justice of the Peace Earache Bitchoff holds Steph at bay...until Steph gets caught into a Samoan drop.


Charlie: If only they could’ve broken a rib on her like they did that brunette UPW lesbian on RAW Monday…tsk tsk..


Albert versus Funaki:

Apparently, Albert has been taking out his frustrations on other superstars who wear smaller hats than he. Which is pretty much everyone. Except for that big-headed egomaniac, The Rock. But that’s another story. I do think that if Jakks Pacific ever makes an Albert action figure they should highly consider looking at this action figure as a possible model.


Funaki comes out and calls Albert a bully. He says that he should have more fun and that you can’t spell Funaki with the word “fun”. Marc Lloyd says that Albert is pissed that Funaki called him a bully. I think he’s pissed because he didn’t understand a word Funaki said.


Lloyd and Cole ramble on about RAW invading Smackdown as I watch Albert toss Funaki, Albert clothesline Funaki and Albert military press Funaki. You know, if they wanted to do ANOTHER gay wedding, I nominate Lloyd and Cole. The crowd starts a LOUD “Shave Your Back” chant. That’s gotta do WONDERS for Albert’s self-esteem. This gives Funaki the idea to attack Albert’s back and chest hair. Nothing doing. Albert nails Funaki with an Argentine Backbreaker into a Gutbuster and gets the 1-2-3. After the match, Funaki gets the mic to tell everyone that he’s okay. He may have been pinned, but he’s still here to have fun. And Albert’s still here to introduce your throat to the second rope via a slingshot.


Charlie: Next time, you’ll keep your mouth shut and not perturb Albert with you silly broken english. Crajjy japanese.


After the break, we recap Undertaker versus Matt Hardy? Why, in God’s name? Why? Oh, I see…Sara’s there. Sara = ratings. We join it here, courtesty of Jhawk:


Taker back into full kick Matt Hardy's ass" mode, but look at the SmackDown-tron, where Heyman is with Sara in the locker room. Taker runs to the back like a bat out of hell, and Matt is going to get a countout win out of this! Heyman tries to reason with Sara about getting Taker out of the match, and in runs Taker. He chokes Heyman, but LOOK OUT, because Brock has a chair! Brock gloms him, then corners Sara against the wall. Brock: "Life's a bitch." Sara then checks on Taker and we're out.




Hey, Sara might be back on TV and she may have been the last person to REALLY kick DDP’s ass before he retired but let’s look at the bright side. Vince Russo could be booking this storyline and in the end have Sara’s baby turn out to be Brock’s. So count your friggin’ blessings, okay?



Jamie Knoble & Tajiri versus The Hurricane & Crash

Someone has a sign that says “Kiss Me Nidia”. Now of all the things that Nidia can more than likely do with her mouth, the only thing he could think to put on a sign was to KISS him? Knoble looks right at home facing Helms yet again and teaming with a japanese partner. Are they ever gonna build up a threat to his title again?


The Hurricane’s going RAW DAWG tonight and has opted to not wear a top. And when Crash is the last person to come down the ramp you know you’re recapping VELOCITY, my friend.


Tajiri and Helms to start and they lockup. The two exchange go-behinds, Helms with an armdrag and wrings the arm. Helms pulls Tajiri into a headlock which Tajiri pushes out of and shoves Helms to the ropes. Helms shoulderblocks Tajiri down and HITS HIS POSE…only to be kicked in the back of the damn head. Nice. Hard knife edge chop by Tajiri in the corner. Tajiri whips Helms to the far corner, Helms avoids Tajiri’s blind charge and chops him down with TWO hands. Helms puts Tajiri into the tree of woe and stands bouncing on his crotch. Come on, that’s just mean. Not to mention excessive and probably against the rules. It’s certainly not good sportsmanship.


Charlie: Knowing some asians rather personally, I’m gonna wager Helms probably didn’t touch anything vital.


Oooh. That’s cold. Knoble comes in to break up this assault (verbal and physical) on Tajiri’s manhood only to have his face rammed into Tajiri’s “oriental rug”, if you weel. Tag to Crash and he and Helms double suplex Tajiri. Crash floats over to cover but Tajiri bridges up and snapmares Crash. Tag to Knoble. Knoble slaps Crash in the face: “You don’t mess with me, boy!”… and then runs to the outside. Knoble uses Nidia as a human shield…


Charlie: I don’t see any semen flying around…why’s Knoble tossing Nidia in front of him?


While Tajiri attacks from behind. Back inside, Tajiri is tagged back in and gets the Tarantula on Crash. We see Crash is bleeding hardway from the mouth. Tag to Knoble. Double gutbuster on Crash and then stereo dropkicks to Crash’s head. Knoble takes Crash back outside but Crash whips him into the apron. Knoble makes it back inside firstand Crash tries a sunset flip from the apron. However, unbeknownst to Crash, Knoble has made the ever-elusive “blind” tag and proceeds to, in what can only be described as a truly HOMOerotic spot (which seems to be the order of the week on WWE TV this week), pulls Crash’s head directly into his crotch until Tajiri kicks Crash in the back of his head.


Tajiri puts Crash in the tree of woe and baseball slides into the back of his head again. Irish whip by Tajiri sets up his springboard elbow but it misses and he and Crash clothesline each other. Hot tags made on both sides, but Helms is the hotter of the two. He leaps and clotheslines Knoble right out of his cutoffs. A running neckbreaker on Knoble gets 2 before Tajiri breaks it up. Buff Blockbuster on Tajiri sets up a Shining Wizard. Helms goes for the Sugar Smack on a groggy, recovering Knoble but Knoble catches the foot. An irish whip by Knoble is reversed into an attempted Nightmare on Helms Street but Helms is pushed right into a Tajiri kick to the head by Knoble. Knoble with a Nortern Lights suplex with a bridge for 2 on Helms. Tag to Tajiri. Knoble and Tajiri irish whip Helms and Crash tags himself in. Helms ducks a double clothesline attempt and slaps the beginnings of a SUPER HERO chokeslam on Knoble before Tajiri makes the save with a kick to the back of Helms’ head. Crash with a HIGH crossbody on Tajiri for 2 before Knoble makes the save. Crash and Helms dump Knoble to the outside where Helms gives him a slingshot plancha for good measure. Tajiri with a hard kick to Crash’s stomach, setting up the PEARL HARBOR kick to the head. Crash ducks it and hits the Crash Landing, a facefirst pildriver into a pinning combination, on Tajiri for the win.


Charlie: I bet 3 years ago, those mutants never saw the Japanese Buzzsaw jobbing to Crash Fucking Holly on a WWF B-show.


This was fun. Hit me back if you wanna do it again next Saturday night. In the meantime, be sure to check out the Confidential recap, which should explain the history of the BIG GOLD BELT.


Charlie: How much you wanna bet they DON’T mention the Fingerpoke or David Arquette?


Crucifixio and Charlie

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