Moving Right Along

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Moving Right Along

* I hate things too *

 

If you’ve met me, and I doubt any of you have, you would probably figure out that I’m a pretty even-tempered kind of guy. I don’t get angry at paying bills, or traffic, or at the dirty bastards that play their freaking country music underneath my apartment at an inappropriate volume at 3 in the morning. I go through life happy and content with just about everything, grinning like a moron. Except when it comes to my high school. Now, I was fortunate enough to go to a pretty good boarding school in Pottstown, Pennsylvania called The Hill School that gave me about the best preparation for college that I could have received. Hell, it was basically like a small college with better facilities. This was a place with an outstanding gym, library, wood shop, and just about every other thing a school could want, and some things they didn’t. Suffice to say, it was a well-funded operation. But still, year after year these sons of bitches come to me and my $30,000 a year salary and ask me for money. They have more money than they know what to do with, have members of the Trump family graduating from the place, and they ask ME for money? It never fails to make me partially insane. Yet, other aggravating things in my life just sort of roll off my back like water. I like to think that I am eccentric in that regard, but I’m pretty sure I’m just extremely mental.

 

Now, if you’ve read along to this paragraph, you are probably wondering, “What does that have to do with wrestling? And where are Scott Keith’s rants?” Well, the answer to the first question is that there is a similar thing that happens when I watch wrestling. Watching X-Pac win matches does not get me angry. Watching Hulk Hogan pose for Canadians cheering their bums off does not make me upset. Watching Chris Jericho do jobs kind of makes me chuckle in an evil sort of way because I think of all the smart marks yelling at their televisions. What really steams my hash is watching Ric Flair climbing to the top rope only to get himself thrown off. I know, I know. It is about the most ridiculous thing to get mad at in the world of wrestling where WWE is at a pretty low point in terms of quality of matches and storylines. But it makes me so damn mad to see Flair scamper up there and end up thrown across the ring again and again and again. In that moment, there is nothing more in the world I want more than to throw a shoe in Flair’s general direction, but I love my TV and I never want anything bad to ever happen to it. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make me feel me with so much anger and frustration that makes me want to ram my head into a wall at extreme speeds.

 

Why does Flair getting thrown across the ring bother me so much? Well, mostly because he does it in almost every match and it is so damn boring. But because I am a respected columnist with millions of fans and sex groupies, I figure I should come up with a more intellectual way to say why it makes me so upset. And here is why, it’s a cheap way to swing the momentum that breaks the suspension of disbelief wrestling is supposed to be building. Sounds deep don’t it? Allow me to explain. During any wrestling match of any quality, both workers involved are going to have to have parts during that match where they are in control of the offence. Otherwise, it would just be one guy beating up the other. Now, normally, their needs to be a moment where one worker makes a mistake or the other makes a move to take command. The Rock and Steve Austin typically do this simply by responding to offense with a series of strikes. The Big Show typically feeds his opponent a wild elbowdrop or avalanche to dodge so they can take control. The infuriating part of the way Flair does it, is that him going to the top rope has led to nothing but him getting tossed off it for something like five straight years. Yeah, he hits a flying bodypress once a decade, but that is just not enough to warrant the approximately 1,200 times the thing didn’t work. Flair goes to the top rope for just one reason, to get thrown off it. It is a flat out lazy way for Flair to get himself in trouble that requires no thought or innovation. And for a worker like Flair, we should not accept such shoddy, boring work.

 

I mean, logically, why in the heck would you try to hit a move that has failed you 99% of the time? The thing about wrestling, that on the surface, it is does not take on the appearance of a legitimate fight unless you stretch your imagination to allow for certain things. Certainly, basic moves like Irish whips just should not work in any way. Honestly, if someone shoved you, would you keep running in that direction until you hit a ring post? The answer you are reaching for is no. So in just about every match you need to suspend your disbelief a little bit. I can accept that. But, it should be a part of the wrestlers’ duty to make the fights look as good and logical as they possibly can. And there just isn’t anything logical about Flair climbing to the top rope and getting thrown off in three hundred consecutive occasions. It never fails to jar me out of the internal illusion that wrestling creates. I mean honestly, what does Ric think while he climbs up the ropes? “I know what will pop the rubes, throwing me off the top rope! They love that! Wheeeee!” It makes me want to puke my damn guts out every time.

 

All I'm really asking for is for wrestlers to think about their matches a little more than they seem to on occasion. I mean I can buy an individual worker using a set offense. That makes a certain amount of sense because guys execute some moves better than others. And I can buy wrestlers learning other workers' maneuvers and countering them. Certainly if I am working against Chris Jericho, I would be watching out for the lionsault too. What I cannot fit into my kayfabe mindset is someone doing a move that doesn't ever seem to work. And I really can't understand a wrestler trying a move that their opponent always seems to counter. Say, a powerbomb (Hi Kidman!)? It’s a betrayal of work ethic and thought and it insults me far more than Vince McMahon hitting on hot chicks will ever do. And that is what pisses me off.

 

I’m proud to announce a new feature to Moving Right Along, Thesmartmarks.com board quote of the day! Thrill as I take a quote that I find amusing, stick it here in a hope that people will read it, and become life long fans because I mentioned them in my column. This week’s entry comes to us from Papacita05, a wonderful human being that will be sure to send me money for putting them in such a popular format… popular… SO VERY POPULAR!!! WORSHIP ME!!! Take it away Papa…

 

“Ok...Michaels Cole...his voice is high and annoying...like Urkel! His laughter is ridiculously annoying...like Urkel! If find his appearance to be comical...like Urkel. Why...if Cole weren’t white, I'd swear the two were one in the same! I say make the trade! At least URKEL was a genius.”

 

Yes! And then we could get Urkel to build us machines to travel through time and do a Bruce Lee impression and teach us to make sweet, sweet love. God bless you, Steve Urkel. God bless us everyone. On second thought, bless everyone that reads Moving Right Along. Everyone else can burn.

 

 

 

Write me at [email protected], I will smile and write you back.