Mark's Marks: Wrestlemania X

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Wrestlemania X

 

Welcome to another installment of Mark's Marks. The tape review that gives you just a little more bang for your buck, even though it’s free anyways! This time around, we're going to be taking a look at Wrestlemania X, paying special attention to the Bret Hart/Owen Hart and Razor Ramon/Shawn Michaels ladder match. Why do you ask? Well, because we want to see if those legendary matches still hold up after all these years and because I really don't want to spend a great deal of time discussing Men On A Mission and Adam Bomb. Can you honestly blame me?

 

We start off with Little Richard singing the National Anthem. Did you ever notice he looks just like Johnny B. Badd? I wonder if that was intentional. Anyway, I don’t think anyone came here to marvel at my exceptionally bad stabs at comedy. So on with the matches, your commentators Vince McMahon and Jerry "The King" Lawler. As a side note, I made the discovery during review of this show that Jerry Lawler was always a horrible commentator, even when he was playing the heel and not yelling about puppies. I just thought everyone needed that reminder.

 

“The Hitman” Bret Hart vs. “The Rocket” Owen Hart

THE MATCH: This would be part III of the epic Bret vs. Owen feud that first got its start at Survivor Series and really spurred onward at the Royal Rumble where Owen kicked the leg out of Bret’s leg after a match with The Quebecers. Fortunately for Bret, he later went on to tie with Lex Luger for the win during the actual Rumble to win the right to face the WWF champion at Wrestlemania. Now since this was before the invention of three way dances, Bret and Luger flipped a coin to see who would get to face WWF Champion Yokozuna first and Luger won. It was also decided that the loser of the coin toss would have to face a suitable opponent before their title match, and Bret’s opponent was Owen. So it has come down to this. Owen comes down and does his Bret impersonation, standing on the turnbuckles and ripping up a pair of those glasses Bret would hand out to fans before his matches started in a wonderful display of taunting. The brothers tie up, but neither man gains an advantage and they break cleanly. Playing the dick heel to a tee, Owen makes like he wins the Superbowl because of it. Owen really gave his initial heel turn everything he had. The Hart Brothers battle it out on the mat for a while until Owen catches Bret in a go behind but Bret counters by ducking low and sending Owen out of the ring. Owen quickly scrambles back into the ring and rings Bret’s bell with a slap that would make John Cena wince. Owen follows that with a hammerlock and a headlock but Bret counters to an arm bar. Owen escapes and pulls Bret to the mat by the hair. Bret kips out of that and manages to roll Owen up for two count. Bret takes Owen down with an arm drag and slaps on another arm bar. Owen frees himself and hits the ropes but Bret catches him coming off with a reverse monkey flip and a clothesline that sends Owen flying over the top rope. Owen tries to make a run for it but Bret catches him and tosses him back into the ring. Owen meets Bret with another slap, but Bret slaps back and school boy roll ups Owen for another two count. In case you haven’t noticed it yet, the story of the match thus far is that Owen really can’t match up against Bret on the mat and Bret’s not going to just stand around and take Owen’s crap either. So what’s a Rocket to do?

Bret slaps on yet another arm bar, but this time Owen escapes and hits a spinheel kick to the chest. Owen follows that up by literally kicking Bret right out of the ring to the floor. Owen picks Bret up in a slam position and run him into the ringpost back first. Owen follows with a turnbuckle whip and Bret does the Hart trademark turnbuckle bump. Owen hits the side backbreaker and locks on the camel clutch, screaming at Bret the entire time like a madman. Bret manages to work his way free but immediately gets caught in the belly-to-belly suplex. Owen goes for an Irish whip but Bret reverses. So Owen responds with a rebound crossbody press but Bret rolls through for two. Owen goes for a body slam but Bret reverses and gets falls on top for a 2 count. Bret slides his way out to the apron but Owen is there to attempt an Inside out suplex. Bret reverses and slides down Owen’s back, but Owen reverses, and nails a German suplex for two. Owen quickly tries to follow with a vertical suplex but Bret counters to a small package for two. But once he gets back to his feet, Owen catches Bret and plants him with a tombstone piledriver. Owen climbs up to the top but misses the swan dive head BUTT. Bret takes advantage and hits a reverse atomic and follows with a falling clothesline for a two count. A Russian legsweep and the middle rope elbowdrop also get two counts. Have you ever noticed that Bret almost never hooks a leg for being such a good wrestler? What was up with that? Owen backs into a corner and feeds Bret a kick to catch so Owen can cream him with the enziguri. Owen goes for Sharpshooter but it gets countered, Bret tries the hold also but it also gets reversed. Owen gets behind Bret and uses the rolling prawn hold to get another two but Bret’s kick out sends Owen flying to the outside. Bret hits a slingshot plancha but manages to bang his knee on the floor. I do believe once The Quebecers worked that knee at The Royal Rumble, Bret sold that injury for the rest of his career in just about the longest sell job ever. Owen begs off back in the ring but he’s seen the injury and immediately goes to the knee. Owen wraps it around the ringpost three times to add to the drama. Owen does some mocking of Bret’s injury and uses a dragon screw legwhip to set up some leglock that The Big Valbowski probably uses. Owen follows with another dragon screw to set up a figure-four leglock. Bret’s shoulders slump to the mat and Owen gets a few two counts out of the deal. Bret finally reverses the hold but Owen goes immediately to the ropes. Owen goes for yet another dragon screw but Bret counters with an enziguri! Bret sends Owen in for the Hart Express Irish Whip chest bump and follows with a running bulldog for a two. A piledriver gets two. A superplex from the top rope gets Bret another two count. Bret continued his onslaught with some European uppercuts. Bret ducks a punch and locks on a sleeper hold but Owen hits the back kick low blow and locks on the sharpshooter but Bret refuses to give up, as was the style of the time. Bret slowly reaches back and breaks Owen’s base so he can reverse out of the hold and slap on a sharpshooter of his own. Fortunately, Owen is already near the ropes and immediately forces a break. Owen with an Irish whip but he gets caught with a boot charging in. Bret climbs onto Owen’s shoulders for the same victory roll he used to beat Bam Bam Bigelow for the King of The Ring crown. But this time, Owen is smart enough to drop down with all of his weight on Bret’s shoulders for the upset three count.

THE RESULT: Owen Hart pins Bret Hart ****

WHY ****: Because this is just one of the best executed series of moves ever. Every single thing The Harts went for hit with such wonderful precision that it’s just, for a lack of better terms, awe-inspiring. The psychology behind the counter to the victory roll and Bret’s use of the enziguri were especially interesting as they provided excellent attention to history, while still being exciting moments on their own. The assault on Bret’s knee and back worked especially well for Owen while the general “Hitman” attack lent itself well to Owen taking some very good bumps. Now, after all that gushing, I’m guessing some of you might be wondering “why not *****?” Basically, I thought that Owen leaving the ring and trying to get away from Bret was very out of character in relation to how the WWF had booked Owen as being completely and totally obsessed with beating Bret. I also thought that while Owen was playing his part to a tee, that Bret really didn’t bring a good deal of extra oomph to his work considering the circumstances surrounding the match. I thought that Bret should have brought less of a cool detachment and more of a fire to his offence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fabulous match, but it’s not absolutely perfect.

THE BEST THERE IS: It’s funny to me that people complain about how tired they get of feuds once they’ve gone something like a month or two. Like when Steve Austin and Kurt Angle after three months, it seemed like everywhere I looked, there was someone saying how stale it was. Meanwhile the Bret-Owen wars lasted more than a year straight and I never had the same kind of emotions. It’s a testimony to the bookers at the time that could devote so much time to one angle and keep it interesting for so long. From Owen bumping Bret off the apron at Survivor Series, to The Summerslam cage match, to Owen convincing his mother, Helen, to throw in the towel to cost Bret his World Title against Bob Backlund, there’s no feud that I enjoyed more than The Hart Civil War. Every step of the way was just perfectly put together in such a well crafted manner that I am starting to think that wrestling has never had such a long, solid feud since then.

 

Well, after that masterpiece of a match, we go to Howard Finkel getting a hairpiece from The Hair Club for Men. The sad thing is, this comes back later in the show. Sometimes, I don’t have to say anything. Still, I guess that’s a better follower than…

 

Doink the Clown & Dink vs. Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon

THE MATCH: You guessed it, it’s time for some mixed tag team action with midgets and clowns and whatever the heck Luna is supposed to be. The rules say Doink can only wrestle Bam Bam and Dink can only face off with Luna so there shouldn’t be any midget squashing. Bam Bam goes on the attack at the bell and floors Doink with two shoulder tackles and a drop kick. But when he goes to capitalize, Bigelow misses a senton splash. Doink takes command with a wristlock but that doesn’t last long as Bam Bam hits an elbow off the ropes but then misses an elbowdrop. Dink and Luna exchange and incredibly the match gets even worse. Dink ducks and dodges and spanks Luna. So Luna just kicks him. Well that’s one way to go about it. Luna chokes the midget on the ropes and does a Bossman rope straddle. She goes for it again, and I think we all know what that means. Miss. Dink manages to get a two count out of the deal. Dink follows up on that success by running around in circles around Luna. Honestly, he just runs around her for no reason. Thank goodness Luna just kicks him. Sadly, Vachon misses an elbowdrop, allowing Dink to make a bid for the top rope. And misses something off the top. I’m pretty sure no one in world could tell me what the heck Dink was trying to do there, since he lands on his feet and does a summersault. I’m not sure why that hurt him, but it did. Luna with a body slam she missed her top rope splash. Dink tags out to Doink and he takes a charging Bigelow down with a drop toehold. Doink then runs smack into Bam Bam and bounces off, so Bigelow propels him out of the with a clothesline. Dink comes in to be annoying and Bam misses a lunge, allowing Doink to get back in the ring. And of course, the first thing he does is go for a sunset flip. So Bigelow sits on him. That doesn’t mater though since Bigelow eats a boot and leaping DDT. Doink goes to the top rope and misses the “whoopee cushion” vertical splash. Bam Bam hits a clothesline, but when he goes to the ropes, he collides with Dink, Doink tries to take advantage with a belly-to-back suplex but Bigelow counters and falls on top of the clown. Bam goes to the top rope and hits his swan dive head BUTT for the three. After the match, Dink keeps messing with Bigelow and finally gets blindsided by Luna. Bigelow and Luna miss a double splash and Doink pulls his partner to safety.

THE RESULT: Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon beat Doink the Clown & Dink when Bigelow pins Doink DUD

WHY DUD: Because missing moves isn’t so much fun that you should be building whole matches around the concept. Yet, there it is. Would it have killed the WWF to allow someone to hit more than 2 moves in a row before they missed something off the top rope? Doink and Dink were complete horror shows that shouldn’t have been in the ring and Luna isn’t that far behind them. So by process of elimination, Bigelow was far and away the best wrestler in the ring, and that right there is reason enough to run away from this match as quickly as possible.

A TALE OF TWO DOINKS: Boy does seeing this lame pretender to the mantel of Doink make me insane. If you didn’t know, this isn’t the original Doink the Clown, the first man to wear the paint was Matt “Big Josh” Borne, a hell of a talent that never really got a fair shot at making it in either WCW or The WWF. Watching the original Doink was a lesson on how even the weirdest gimmicks can be useful if you put a sick and evil twist on them. Specifically, Matt turned a clown into a twisted freak of nature that tortured opponents and would beat people with prosthetic limbs. He was just the most perfect sleazy clown this side of Tim Burton’s Pennywise in the TV adaptation of Stephen King’s IT. This face version of Doink, on the other hand, was just some generic jobber piece of garbage who never would have gotten anywhere if he wasn’t about the same size Matt was. While Borne brought a disturbing charisma and a slew of interesting moments with him, this later version brought nothing but a midget. You tell me which one you’d rather watch.

 

A Bill Clinton impersonator hangs with Irwin R. Shyster and Todd Pettingill. Need I say more?

 

“Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. Crush w/ Mr. Fuji – Falls Count Anywhere

THE MATCH Well, maybe it isn’t really a Falls Count Anywhere match, more of that match oddly merged with a Texas Death Match, where the winner would have to pin his opponent outside the ring. The person who took the fall would then have to get back in the ring before a sixty second count or he would lose the match. You’ll see how that works in about ninety seconds as Savage immediately goes after Crush and immediately gets squashed with a reverse atomic drop, a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and a gorilla press drop onto the safety rail. Crush gets the pin in the aisle way. Randy just about gets to the ring when Fuji hits him with the Japanese flag. Yet, Savage still makes it into the ring with a whole two seconds to spare. Crush continues his advantage with a head BUTT and ties Savage to the tree of woe so while the referee tries to free Savage, Crush can get some salt from Fuji. But as faces are wont to do, Savage kicks it back at Crush's eyes. A few shots later, after a top rope axe handle, a body slam, and a top rope elbowdrop, Savage pushes Crush out of the ring and covers for the three count. Fuji actually has to dump water on Crush to wake him up and get him back into the ring. Say, doesn't that usually blind someone? Savage shows that he’s still man enough to take his trademark backdrop bump to the arena floor. Crush hammers Savage on the outside of the ring but ends up running into the ringpost. Savage clotheslines Crush over the guardrail, but when he goes to follow, Crush counters with a sidekick. Crush sets him up for a piledriver but Savage backdrops his way out. Savage drags Crush to the backstage area and runs him into a pair of doors and covers for three. Savage then ties Crush’s feet to something and tries to suspend him from the ground. But the knot doesn’t hold and Crush ends up landing on his head, which is just as good I suppose. It doesn't matter really, since it all ends up as a win for Savage.

THE RESULT: “Macho Man” Randy Savage defeats Crush ½*

WHY ½*: Because Crush’s first three moves and Savage’s backdrop bump were both well executed. The rest of the match is a complete cluster, with a whole lot of time being wasted in between falls waiting for the wrestlers to get back into the ring. The last fall was really bad, with the door shots being a weak thing to lead to a pin fall and the hog-tying thing going completely wrong

WHEN HEELS ARE RIGHT: The thing about this feud and it’s genesis was that Crush was actually right about the whole thing. The issue began when Crush, still in his face “Hawaiian Crush” days, lost a match to Yokozuna and took three big banzai drops. All that ass in his face caused Crush to have to miss some time. So when he comes back, he goes right after the man he blames for the incident. One Mr. Randy Savage. Seems old Randy was doing commentary at the time of the squashing and didn’t come in to help Crush until after Yokozuna was done having his way with him. Crush stated that Randy let him take a beating so that Crush wouldn’t be around to get title shots that might go to Savage. It was a beautiful little turn, and it made Crush’s heel turn feasible to the average fan. Not because they thought Crush was right, but because they understood that Crush thought he was right. Every heel turn should come with such reasoning.

 

Alundra Blayze © vs. Lelani Kai: WWF Women’s Title Match

THE MATCH: Alundra quickly hits a drop toehold to take Lelani down, but she immediately runs right into a Vader block. Lelani tries to take advantage with an avalanche but Blayze is out of the way quickly and uses a sunset flip to get a two count. But when she gets to her feet, Lelani is there to deliver a double arm chokeslam. Kai tosses Blayze into the ring for another Vader block but this time Alundra hops up and takes Kai down with a frankensteiner for two. Lelani takes over with that staple of US women’s wrestling, the hair drag. Kai hits a pretty nice butterfly suplex but can only hold Blayze down for two. Lelani tosses Alundra into the ropes and misses a clothesline, allowing Blayze to score with a spinheel kick. A snap suplex and a pair of hair drags later, Blayze gets another two count. Lelani reverses a whip into the ropes, but Blayze ducks underneath a clothesline and hits her German suplex for the three.

THE RESULT: Alundra Blayze pins Lelani Kai DUD

WHY DUD: Because having a match with no issue behind it and with old Lelani in it (she also wrestled at Wrestlemania I as a point of reference) just is not going to be worth seeing. Having all those hair drags in there sure didn’t earn them any points either.

KARMA: It always brings a chuckle to my heart when I think about when Alundra Blayze (also known as Medusa) showed up on WCW Nitro one night and threw the WWF Women’s title into the trashcan. Because basically Alundra threw her career in that trashcan at the same time. Yeah, Alundra had to do a job to Bertha Faye and all, but she had already moved past that feud and was seemingly heading up against Aja Kong in the near future. By heading to WCW, Blayze ended up getting fed to Akira Hokuto again and again before losing a retirement match and heading back to managing. Good call Alundra.

 

The Quebecers (Jacques & Pierre) w/ Johnny Polo © vs. Men on a Mission (Mo & Mabel) w/ Oscar for The WWF World Tag Team Titles

THE MATCH: For those of you who don’t know, Oscar is the fat one, Mo is the really fat one, and Mabel is the really, REALLY, fat one. Oh and Johnny Polo turned into Raven later on in his career. And away they go! The Quebecers immediately go to work on Mabel but he charges through both of them with a double clothesline. Mo comes in to take on Pierre and creams him with a cross body block. Mo makes a tag and takes Pierre to the mat with a drop toehold, setting him up for the big leg-fat-drop from Mabel. M.O.M. makes a quick tag and drop a double elbow-fat-drop. Seeing his partner in trouble, Jacques runs in and hits Mo from behind. Pierre exchanges with Jacques and then takes the opportunity to illegally choke Mo with the tag rope. The Quebecers tag again, and Jacques backdrops Pierre right onto Mo, squashing the wind right out of him. Sending Mo to the outside, The Quebecers do it again, this time propelling Pierre to the floor and crushing Mo in the process. Pierre sends Mo back inside the ring and covers for a two count. The Quebecers make another tag and catch Mo with a double hotshot, and getting two count for Jacques. Keeping true to form, The Quebecers exchange again, but this time, Mo manages to catch Pierre with a rolling kick. Unfortunately, Jacques comes in and prevents the tag at this time. Pierre goes to the top rope but can’t hit the guillotine legdrop. Mo drags himself to his corner and “Hello, my name is Mabel, you killed my father, prepare to die!” Clotheslines and backdrops for everyone with first names that are hard to spell. A Bossman slam crunches Jacques into a fine milky paste, but Mabel to too slow to smash Pierre with an avalanche. The Quebecers go for a double suplex, but Mabel is too fat, except he’s not! Pierre goes to the top and The Quebecers hit their Le Cannonball finisher, Pierre covers. But Mabel kicks away at the count of two! Pierre and Mabel start to swing away, and fat power wins and Mabel hits his, insert snicker here, “spin kick.” Mabel hits the short clothesline and M.O.M. combines to hit “Whoomp, There It Went” where basically Mo jumps on Mable’s back from the top rope and they splash their opponent. Mabel covers but the referee is stuck trying to separate Oscar and Johnny Polo’s fracas on the outside. So M.O.M. hits another “Whoomp” to the floor. Alas, The Quebecers have had enough and run for the hills, leaving Men on a Mission to take a count out victory and dance with belts they didn’t win.

THE RESULT: Men on a Mission win by Count Out *

WHY *: Well they did follow the “Big Fat Guy Rule” (if you have a big fat guy, he better end up landing on someone), so kudos for that. Add that the awesome Quebecer double-teaming and you get a * match. But other than that, the booking was horrible with a meaningless count out doing nothing for anyone especially since the M.O.M. title chase basically ended here anyway. Add to that the horror that is Mo and Mabel and you’re looking at something not worth getting off the couch to go see.

THE LAST GREAT TAG TEAM: Yeah, yeah I know. I know a whole load of people that are saying to themselves, “Edge and Christian?” Well sorry Charlie, but they don’t make my cut. Because to be a great tag team, you need to be ruthless double teaming machines with a number of different ways you work together in order to dominate your matches. Edge and Christian never had that. The Quebecers on the other hand, did. Hence, they are the last of The Midnight Express era of tag teams where teams were together for years and worked in tandem finishers all the time and the doorway into this era, where its basically two guys running together for a few months with individual finishers. Can you tell I miss tag teams?

 

Yokozuna w/ James E. Cornette and Mr. Fuji © vs. Lex Luger for The WWF World Heavyweight Title – Special Guest Referee: Mr. Perfect

THE MATCH: Yokozuna is being announced at 568 lbs. this evening for those of you that have a morbid fascination with how fat he was this week in history. We start out with the stare down before both men start throwing big right hands. Luger starts getting the advantage and hits a clothesline but when he goes for another, he gets caught with some random Yokozuna fat that sends him down. Yoko goes for a big elbowdrop but Luger rolls out of the way. Luger sends Yokozuna to the outside and bangs his head into the ringside steps twice before sending Yoko back into the ring. Luger goes to the top rope and flies off with a surprisingly beautiful flying body press that nets him a two count. Luger comes off with an elbowdrop and gets himself another two. But when Yoko gets back to his feet, he chops Luger in the throat. Yokozuna presses his advantage by choking Luger on the middle rope. Luger is able to duck out of the path of a clothesline, but when he tries to lift Yoko for the slam, Yokozuna comes crashing down on top of him for a two count. Yokozuna goes to the corner and undoes the padding, exposing the metal ring underneath. Luger tries to fire back, but Yoko cuts him off with some chops, and then it happened. Yokozuna put a nerve hold that would last basically until the end of time! So lets just say Luger was in it three times and kept escaping, but Yokozuna kept putting it back on for something like five minutes, okay? Okay, so Luger fights his way free for the last time and proceeds to walk right into a belly-to-fat suplex. Yokozuna proceeds to try and send Luger into the exposed buckle, but Lex reverses and Yokozuna eats it instead. A series of three clotheslines finally send Yoko crashing to the mat and ready for the “Hulk Hogan Giant Killin’ Body Slam”. Luger hits the ropes and hits Yokozuna with the six million-dollar forearm. Luger even makes sure to knock out both Fuji and Cornette before going for the cover. Yet, should Luger actually win a big match, the universe would implode on itself. So Mr. Perfect refuses to count in order to save the world. Luger, caring not for the rest of humanity, takes umbrage and gives Perfect the littlest of little pushes. Well that’s enough for Prefect to call for the screw job disqualification. Remember fans, he did it for you.

THE RESULT: Yokozuna by Disqualification DUD

WHY DUD: There was a five minute long nerve hold and a screw job finish. Connect the dots.

BOY DOES MR. PERFECT BAIL ON ANGLES A LOT: Well, you’d think this would have led to a feud between Luger and Perfect, but Perfect managed to disappear in the weeks following the match. And it wouldn’t be the only time Perfect went *poof* once he was set up in a position. You might remember his partnership/feud with one Hunter Hearst Helmsly (not yet Triple H), where Perfect would continue to steal Helmsly’s escorts from ringside basically every night. Finally, when it was to come down to a match, Hunter faked an attack on Perfect in order to get a match with WWF Intercontinental Champion Marc Mero. During the match, Mr. Perfect pulled the heel turn and handed the belt to Helmsly on a silver platter with a chair shot. Seems like Hunter has a manager doesn’t it? Well, not too fast, because Perfect would again disappear, paving the way for another manager to take his place. That manager would turn out to be Chyna.

 

Harvey Wimpleman is in the ring with Howard Finkel, and starts to pick on the announcer, even going as far as to rip the pocket off The Fink’s tuxedo jacket. The Fink is so upset he pushes Harvey to the mat, cue Adam Bomb to grab a hold of Fink, then cue Earthquake.

 

Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb w/ Harvey Wimpleman

THE MATCH: Earthquake clubs Adam from behind, hits a belly-to-belly suplex, a powerslam, and a Earthquake splash for three.

THE RESULT: Earthquake pins Adam Bomb DUD

WHY DUD: It was twenty seconds long.

BRYAN CLARK MUST BE PURE EVIL Why else would a guy of that size, with that amount of agility, with so much potential, always be getting fired and never getting pushed? I figure being in league with Satan must be the only answer.

 

Razor Ramon © vs. “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels w/ Diesel for The WWF Intercontinental Title: Ladder Match

THE MATCH Suspended over the ring is both Razor’s IC title and the belt Shawn had kept even though he had been stripped of the title months previous. Both men start in the ring, trying to assert their advantages, Shawn his speed and Razor his power. Shawn blocks a hiptoss, puts his leg over Razor’s head, and does a back flip. Unfortunately, Razor just knees Shawn when he lands and plants him with a chokeslam. But when he tries to press his advantage, Shawn maneuvers to the side and tosses Razor over the top rope and to the arena floor. There, Diesel is sure to run over him with a clothesline. Oh but Earl Hebner isn’t going to let that go by, and he sends Diesel to the back, removing him from the match and making this a one-on-one-on-ladder affair. Back in the ring, Shawn hits his version of the Flair Flip and gets himself clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. Razor pulls back the protective covering on the floor revealing the concrete beneath but before he can do anything with it, Shawn pokes him in the eyes and tosses him back into the ring. A big right hand turns it around again for Ramon and he goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Michaels manages to backdrop himself free and send Razor to the floor … ironically enough the concrete floor Razor had exposed. Michaels heads to the ladder but before he can get it back in the ring, Razor is back in the fight and he sends Shawn into the ring and takes the ladder himself. But when Razor gets the ladder on the apron, Shawn nails it and Razor both with a baseball slide. Michaels sends Razor to the steps and puts him back in the ring. Then, standing above Razor, Shawn brings the ladder strait down vertically into Razor’s ribs! That’s just about the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen done in a ladder match. Shawn bashes Razor with the ladder a few more times and then goes for the belts. Razor recovers in time though and pulls away at Shawn, yanking his tights quite down a bit before Shawn kicks him down. Shawn follows Ramon down with an elbowdrop and then pulls his tights. Well at least Shawn’s not going to go all Rick Rude on us and spend the whole match that way. Michaels then pulls the ladder over to the corner, climbs it, and comes off with a flying splash that absolutely splatters Razor. Michaels makes the long, slow climb but Razor is up in time to shove the ladder over and hotshot Shawn on the top rope as he falls. They do the freight trains colliding spot. God, I hate that spot. Shawn recovers first and sets the ladder in a corner and goes for an Irish whip but it gets reversed and Michaels eats the ladder and falls to the outside of the ring. Razor follows, collects the ladder and mashes it into Shawn while he’s against the ringpost twice. Razor sets up the ladder and catapults Shawn into it. Back into the ring they go, but not for long, as Razor spears Michaels in the face with the top step of the ladder that bounces Shawn strait out of the ring. Razor makes the climb, but Michaels is able to knock him off with a top rope axe handle. Now both men make the climb at the same time and do a little fisticuffs at the top with Razor getting the advantage. Razor hooks Shawn up and release suplexes him off the ladder, but the ladder is still toppling and it takes Razor down with it. Razor goes for the belts again, but Shawn dropkicks the ladder to stop the climb. Sadly, Razor is the only one to fall as the ladder just sort of sits there. So Shawn just pushes the ladder onto Ramon. Shawn sends Razor off the ropes and hits a super kick (which wasn’t his finisher at the time) and signals for the Razor’s Edge. But, Razor’s too big for that and Shawn just piledrives him. Shawn takes the ladder to a corner and climbs up behind it, and then rides the ladder down onto Ramon. Thinking Razor is all done, Shawn sets the ladder up right on top of Razor and makes the climb. Oh sweet hubris! It costs him big time here as Razor manages to get himself up and shoulder tackles the ladder. Shawn goes flying and straddles the top rope, and then when he falls, he gets his leg caught in the ropes! Unable to free himself, there’s no one there to stop Razor from climbing the ladders and claiming all the gold.

THE RESULT: Razor Ramon defeats Shawn Michaels ****

WHY ****: Because it is the best spot fest you can possibly have. Everything worked just that well with Shawn doing crazy stuff with the ladder and Razor lying there and taking it. Especially interesting were the little things they did with the ladder that you don’t see with the inferior ladder matches that would follow. Like hitting each other with the end of the ladder like a spear, instead of using the ladder horizontally is just a nastier looking way to do things that you don’t see from Jeff Hardy or The Sandman. This match doesn’t get the fifth start since there wasn’t an ounce of psychology in this thing and I feel as though they recovered from some of the spots a might bit too quickly.

LADDER LOVING: Well this is the grand daddy of them all. And quite frankly, looking at it you can see why. But the sad fact is that the ladder match is dying. It’s dying the same way every other gimmick dies. Because stupid bookers can’t figure out that less is more. They can’t figure out that having a ladder match between RVD and Jeff Hardy makes absolutely no sense if there’s no issue between the two. Especially since you are giving it away for free on television. It used to be that a ladder match was a reason to buy a pay per view, because that was the only place you would ever see them. But now, you can see something like two every month. Having ladder matches all the time makes them worthless as far as selling shows to the pay per view audience, and eventually, you’re going to see guys realizing that they are killing themselves for nothing. Wave good by to the ladder match people, it’s going to wind up in the same place the chain match did.

 

Yokozuna w/ James E. Cornette and Mr. Fuji © vs. “The Hitman” Bret Hart for The WWF World Heavyweight Title – Special Guest Referee: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

THE MATCH Yokozuna goes on the attack as soon as Bret comes into the ring but Bret is right there slugging it out. Bret hits a dropkick, but when he goes for a second one, Yokozuna sidesteps it and proceeds to stomp the knee. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just seen the one and only display of psychology you are ever going to see out of Yokozuna… savor the moment. Yoko hits the inverted reverse spinning Russian back rake and chokes Bret on the middle rope. A head BUTT sends Bret to the canvas and but it doesn’t keep him done long enough for Yokozuna to hit a big splash. Bret throws bunches of punches and a head BUTT that sends both him and Yokozuna to the canvas. Bret slams Yoko’s head into the canvas and continues to try to brawl with the fat man. It actually sort of works and both men fall to the canvas again. Bret makes a cover but Jim Cornette pulls Piper out of the ring, so Piper punches him square in the head, sending Cornette flying. Meanwhile, Yoko hits a falling head BUTT and chokes away. With Bret down, Yoko hits the ropes and drops the leg-fat. Yokozuna tosses Bret over the top rope to the floor to try and get the count out but Bret scrambles back into the ring at the count of nine. Yoko just mauls Bret in a corner but he misses his reverse avalanche. Stunned, Yoko can’t defend against a middle rope bulldog for Bret that gets him a two count. The middle rope elbow gets Bret another two count, and a falling clothesline knocks Yokozuna back down to the canvas. But when Bret comes off the middle rope again, he lands in Yoko’s clutches and gets buried with a belly-to-fat suplex. Yoko drags Bret into position for the banzai drop but while he’s up on the middle rope, his ankle gives way and he falls strait backwards, knocking himself unconscious. Bret hooks a leg and Piper counts the three.

THE RESULT: Bret Hart pins Yokozuna to win The WWF World Heavyweight Title DUD

WHY DUD: Someone should have talked to Bret before the match and said, “hey buddy, you’re 240 pounds. Yoko’s 550. You shouldn’t get in a fist fight with him.” But there it is. Bret brawls with a guy he has no business brawling with and he still wins. At the same time someone should have gone to Yokozuna and said, “Hey, his knee is hurt. Work his knee.” This might be the worse Bret Hart match I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen The Hart Foundation beat the Bolsheviks in something like nine seconds.

AND WHAT WAS THAT FINISH ABOUT ANYWAY? You know I root for people because they show bravery and resolve and fight to win. I don’t root for them because the other guy fell on his head. Bad booking decision that made Yoko look extraordinarily clumsy and Bret look extraordinarily lucky. Not good, just lucky.

 

So there you have it. Two classic matches and a whole lot of stuff you really don’t want to watch. If I were you, I would try to find copies of those two matches on other tapes, because there is nothing else on this card that is even halfway fun to watch. But if your choices are 1) never see Bret/Owen and Razor/Shawn or 2) getting Wrestlemania X, get the tape and lean on the fast forward button. I bid you all…. good day.

 

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