WWE Sunday Night Heat Recap

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Welcome to another Sunday Night Heat recap by yours truly Josh Lowmon. Much to my dismay there was a little bit of news about Heat posted in the Ross Report over the weekend and I reprint it here for you enjoyment:

 

Several color commentators will be trying out, so to speak, over the next several weeks on HEAT, Sundays on MTV. Our business does not have a lot of depth in the broadcast booth with play-by-play people or color commentators. Hopefully, someone perhaps we have not thought of will jump to the front of the line on this important role. (WWE.com)

 

Yes that’s right folks… fucking ROTATING color commentators. People that haven’t commentated at all are going to get their shot on the one show I have to recap. Can you feel my fucking joy? I feel like Al Bundy. And what better way to start it off then with Jackie? Feel the excitement. At the end of my report I shall grade each other the color commentators, I won’t grade the Coach because we all know he sucks anyways. God… I AM Al Bundy.

 

 

Opening Heat credits… man I love watching people jump up and down for the puny ass Heat fireworks. HEAT BABY! Here comes Jackie down the ramp and proceeds to make my life hell by sitting down at the commentating table so that means:

 

Our commentators are the Coach and Jackie (shudders).

 

First match out is Matt Hardy vs. Justin Credible. Man… Credible has some stupid music. Lockup to start things off. Credible with a Moe slap to the back of Curly’s… I mean Matt’s head. Another lockup to the corner, ref separates them and Justin gives Matt a shot to the face. Matt hits him back after Credible bragged about his punch. More punching, Matt reversed into the ropes by Credible, Matt with a neck breaker it looked like. Matt apparently means business according to the Coach because he took of his fucking SHIRT. Nothing means an ass whipping is coming like taking off your shirt. Matt takes down Credible and punches the hell out of him. Credible reverses Matt into the corner and follows and gets elbowed in the face Matt tries for the Side Effect but Justin counters and trips Matt to the outside. In the meantime both Jackie and the Coach can’t believe what Benoit did on RAW Monday… apparently they both haven’t been watching WWE television for the past 3 FUCKING years. Stupidity abounds. After all JR can never believe it when the Big Show turns 4-5 times every year, so why should the second string announcers even try to believe it? Matt tries to climb back but gets a leg drop for his trouble. Credible covers for 2. Matt into the corner and Credible chops and stomps. Power bomb by Credible out of the corner and gets 2 on the cover. Headlock by Credible. Matt fights out and Credible goes for a DDT which Matt reverses with a suplex. Punch fest by Matt, Credible reversed into the ropes and gets the elbow, Matt reversed into corner and holds onto the ropes and Justin misses the dropkick. Matt slingshots Credible into the corner and follows by a power slam. Matt goes up top for the leg drop, Justin gets out of the way only to get the Side Effect from Matt. Matt gets 2 on the cover. Matt goes for the twist of fate but gets blocked, Justin with a super kick and gets 2 on the cover. Credible tries to suplex Matt off the top rope, Justin knocked gets off, Matt follows with an elbow drop and twist of fate for the 3 count.

 

INSIGHT: It was a good match hampered by the fact it was so slow. I mean it was move… 10 sec… move… 10 sec… move. Speed it up a bit and it would be a lot better.

 

Recap of Tommy Dreamer getting beaten down by the Undertaker in one of the most pointless segments I have ever seen from RAW.

 

Next up is Raven vs. Planet Stasiak. Raven has fate painted on his chest… interesting. Who doesn’t like the Planet? Lockup to start, they all seem to start with a lockup. Coach called Raven a genius. Shoving match between the two of them. Punches and chops by Raven in the corner. Raven tries to reverse Stasiak but gets manhandled for his trouble. Cover by Stasiak for only 2. Slingshot by Stasiak on Raven. TWO slingshots in one show? Haven’t seen that before. Punching and stomping on Raven in the corner by Stasiak. Raven thrown into the corner, Stasiak follows gets pole after Raven moves. Raven climbs the ropes and drops a knee on Stasiak. Cover for 2 by Raven. ARMBAR!!!! Raven hits the ropes and drop kicks Stasiak and goes for the cover. 2 for raven. Stasiak gets thrown to the outside. Russian leg sweep by Raven into the guard rail. Stasiak thrown back inside and into the corner. Clothesline by Raven and follows with a knee lift. Raven gets a cover for 2. Sleeper by Stasiak, Raven counters with a jaw breaker. Stasiak misses with a punch and but gets a flying elbow. Backbreaker by Stasiak. Stasiak communicates with the Warrior (http://www.ultimatewarrior.com check it out, it will improve your vocabulary even if all the words are completely made up.) Odd-looking slam by Stasiak. Raven thrown into the corner and gives Stasiak a foot to the face when Stasiak follows. Stasiak gets a rollup for two. Raven with the Raven Effect and gets the pin.

 

INSIGHT: A bit boring as far as the match goes but it would be worse if it wasn’t for Stasiak hearing stuff after every move. Nice to see Raven get a win and hopefully he gets a good push.

 

Recap of Tough Enough 2. Do we really care about this shame of a contest?

 

Recap of UT and HHH crap from SmackDown which sets up UT vs. HHH for the title yet AGAIN.

 

Pimping the NWO: Back in Black. I want this DVD so I can relieve the NWO from its birth. If you want to buy it for me let me know.

 

Steven Richards vs. Crash the sneaky midget for the Hardcore title. I will refer you to my last recap as to my thoughts on the current problems with the Hardcore belt. If I see a trash can I refuse to recap any further from that point. Why you ask? Because a trashcan lid isn’t hardcore goddamnit. Punches to start out with. Richards reverses crash into the ropes but that sneaky midget holds on and Steven misses the drop kick. Clothes line by crash followed by a leg scissors takedown. Steven rolls to the outside. Body press by crash on Steven and gets 2. Look trashcans. If anyone hits someone with it I won’t continue like I said. Steven throws crash into the ring and then proceeds to throw the trashcans out. GOOD. Sleeper by Richards. Crash fights out and gets a rollup for 2. Power bomb by Richards on crash and gets 2. Richards gets a trashcan lid and hits crash with it... That's it! I'm done with this match! Why can’t they use a 2x4? Or even a fucking pipe? Being hit with a trash can lid is like being hit with a loaf of French bread. I don’t see anyone saying anything when someone gets knocked out by a trashcan lid but can take 2 freaking chair shots in a row. See the issue? By the way, Richards retains.

 

INSIGHT: See point above.

 

Recap of RVD vs. Eddie ladder match. If you didn’t see that match you missed out on a lot. BEST match on TV this year by far. Thank god Eddie knows how to improvise.

 

X-Pac vs. D’Lo is our final match. Big Show is with X-Pac. Hmmm… I wonder how this match is going to end… could it be with interference? Naaa… Perish the thought. Yet another lockup to start. Headlock by X-Pac. Take down by X-Pac followed by slaps to the back of D’Lo’s bald head. Shoulder block by D’Lo. D’Lo gets a clothesline on X-Pac and hits a leg drop. Cover by D’Lo for 2. X-Pac reverses D’Lo into ropes. Show pulls down the ropes and D’Lo gets beaten on the outside by Show. D’Lo back inside. Chops by X-Pac. D’Lo reversed into corner and catches X-Pac with a foot to the face. X-Pac with a spin kick to D’Lo. D’Lo with sudden impact on X-Pac. D’Lo tries to hit a axe handle on the Show but gets rammed into the post and thrown back in. X-Pac with a cover for 2. X-Pac tries to get a Bronco Buster but gets a foot to the crotch. D’Lo goes up and X-Pac hits the X-Factor for the pin. Show in and choke slams D’Lo. Bradshaw is out and clears the ring. Yep, the NWO is really climbing back up that ladder.

 

INSIGHT: Crap match. I hate Bradshaw, X-Pac and Show and will probably be on the Heat next week as the main event. I hate my life.

 

 

Well pretty crappy Heat this week after a pretty solid one last week.

 

 

The NEW weekly color-commentator review:

 

The Good: Her biggest contribution was that Heat was brought to us by AT&T and how happy she is that RAW is in Texas on Monday.

The Bad: She didn’t call one move or try to enhance the matches at all. At least Tazz and Lawler try to add something to the matches with an insight or something without repeating what JR or Cole said 2 seconds ago.

The Ugly Truth: Well… Jackie gets an F. She was pitiful as a commentator.

She sounds horrible and uncomfortable. Like I said above she doesn’t improve a match or add anything of any value. Also… she should not, repeat NOT be the BUTT of any sexual jokes by the Coach (who by the way is a flat out pervert).

 

Bring on the next sham of a commentator! Join me next week when I’m forced to sit through the 7th layer of hell next week with the added bonus of yet different commentator.

 

If you have any praise and/or hate mail send it here.

 

Also check out more rants from myself and others on Rantsfromgod.com.