Brain Droppings: Me, You and Them

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Ever run into wannabe "smarks"? The kind of people who think that they know what they are talking about but make completely dim-witted comments. Do you ever feel like channeling the spirit of Abdullah the Butcher and stabbing them repeatedly with a fork? I know I have. As matter of fact there is one that I work with. Just 5 seconds ago he stated, and this is a DIRECT quote:

 

"Guess who's coming back to the WWE? Ken Shamrock."

 

You know that feeling when you explain something to someone about 500 times and then they still ask you the same goddamn question and you just want to freaking pile drive them? That’s how I felt when I heard this little nugget of wisdom. And of course he had plenty more examples of his wisdom. Take a look of this fun little conversation I had with Mr. Wizard:

 

Yesterday he was talking to about how much of a "hard-core" fan he was. What was his reason’s for considering himself so "hardcore"? He knew where Jake "The Snake" Roberts was wrestling. WHO THE FUCK CARES?! If knowing where washed up wrestlers happens to be wrestling at is a mark of how "hardcore" of a fan you are then I need to just go back to believing whatever bullshit JR puts out. I took this insult to my intelligence in stride and continued to probe his "smarkness". I asked him what he thought of Jushin Lyger. He replied, "Who's that?” He was oblivious to Japanese or Mexican wrestling and I can respect that. I thought to myself, “Maybe he is just a smark when it comes to American wrestling.”

 

More from all powerful Wizard of Oz.

 

My question: "What do you think about the Austin vs. Flair match from RAW?"

 

Him: "It sucked; Ric Flair is too old to be wrestling."

 

Me: "Ric Flair can still carry anyone with a pulse and at least 1 leg to a good match."

 

Him: "Ric Flair was good 20 years ago."

 

Hmmm.... Flair/Steamboat pops into mind as well as some of his WWF matches from the early 90's as my blood pressure began to rise. I decide to further delve into what he considers a good worker.

 

Me: "What about Kurt Angle?"

 

Him: "I'm sure he is a nice guy but as a wrestler he is a wiener."

 

I could actually feel veins on my forehead pulse with each word of that idiotic statement.

 

Me: "Well... you know... he kicked Brock's ass."

 

Him: “He did?"

 

I explain to him the background of the impromptu match. Yet being such a smark this was his response:

 

"Well it wasn't on RAW or SmackDown."

 

Me: "How did you feel about the plane ride from hell?"

 

Him: “I never heard about that what happened?"

 

Then, in a pathetic effort to redeem himself, he proceeds to tell me that the Ultimate Warrior is dead.

 

I just about had a near-death experience from that one. My heart stopped for a few seconds as my brain tried to comprehend that amazing piece of ignorant information.

 

Me:" Umm... no he isn't."

 

Him: "Yes he is."

 

Me:” Check out UltimateWarrior.com. He just posted recently."

 

Him:" Well WCW made a big deal and said he was dead in 96."

 

Can you feel my pain?

 

Me: “Did you see some of the blown spots in the Eddie vs. RVD ladder match? Don't you think Eddie improvised through them pretty well?"

 

Him: “The whole thing is scripted.”

 

Me: “What?!”

 

Him: “They script out the whole match”

 

Me: “No, they script spots and SOME people script the whole match but generally it doesn't work that way since there are a lot of times they don't get time to do that. Check out Lance Storm's commentary.”

 

Him: “No it’s scripted. I should know... I wrestled for the Alaskan Wrestling Association.”

 

Ever been talking to a hot girl and then a friend says something really stupid to her? And you can't understand why he would tell her you like to eat bananas naked while sitting on a oil heater?

 

Me: “So you know that Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out right?”

 

Him: “Yeah... I think that Vince is going to release him.”

 

Me: “Then that would mean he could go to the NWA and they would immediately have national exposure. The reason Shawn Michaels never released was because there was a good chance that if he went WCW it could have boosted their ratings even in the dying days.”

 

Him: “..........”

 

Going back to the Warrior and Ken Shamrock information he gave me from the beginning of the rant:

 

Me: “So where did you get your info? 1wrestling.com, the Torch, or maybe the Observer?”

 

Him: “Who are they?”

 

Me: “They are where everyone gets their news from for the most part.”

 

Him: “Well I just get my info from a buddy of mine”

 

Yes my friends these are the people that make you scream. These are the people you over hear in the background telling people what they "know" and trying to make themselves out to be a fan that is “in the know”. The minute I heard him say with confidence, "The Ultimate Warrior is dead," I wanted to slap him

 

Now, I’m going to tell you a story about a man named Jed… sorry. Actually, let’s examine when I went to RAW I went to in February 2002 while I lived in Las Vegas. I had some great seats, seven rows back on the floor behind JR and Lawler. I have never been this close before and was jacked. A couple people were sitting a row back and to the left who they were so cool because they were shouting "Lets go H20" during a dark match with Brock/Waterman vs. Rico/Orton Jr. Not only that but I could HEAR them saying things that were blatantly wrong about EVERYTHING. Including which one exactly was Brock. They had some poor guy sitting there thinking Rico was Brock.

 

And just to add even more fun to my night, we had a guy in front of us that was only about five feet tall dressed exactly like the GODFATHER!! You know what the best part was? Every time a WHAT? Chant started him and his girlfriend would holdup signs right in front of my face that said WHAT? This normally wouldn't piss me off… but because of where we were, there was NO WAY IN HELL the camera was going to see the Godfather wannabe and his craptacular signs. That pretty much ruined what would have been a fun experience for me and other fans whom have paid a good amount of money so we could you know, SEE the fucking ring.

 

From a personal point of view when you go to an event and you are a smark you shouldn’t sit there and try to discuss things like we in the internet wrestling community do on a message board, or on the internet in general. You and the people around you are there to be ENTERTAINED, and it’s not fair for those who may not go on the internet. You shouldn’t ruin their fun because you know that someone may be debuting or of an impending angle. This is the kind of thing that drives me INSANE! Talk at the bar before the event or something.

 

The worst part of the whole situation is not the fact that these guys are obviously just marks that read the internet or they don't actually understand the business and how it works. It’s not even that they look like a complete ass when they tell these mistruths. The worse part is when he acts like his information is the truth. As much as we may not like it when marks say ignorant stuff, at least it’s because they don’t know better. We can ENLIGHTEN them to what is really going on. It’s no better than those websites that spread inane rumors like “Stone Cold will come back and play Flair’s gay understudy next week.”

 

For the good of smarks everywhere when you hear someone spewing out half-truths like that... STAB THEM IN THE THROAT. Use a pen, pencil or even a plastic butter knife if need be… but STOP THEM.

 

If you have any praise and/or hate mail send it Josh here.

 

Also check out more rants from myself, Dr. Tom and others on Rantsfromgod.com.