Bad Jokes

[Guest DrTom]

I thought about bringing the funny, but alas...

 

NO POBO~!!!

[Guest alfdogg]

If we really wanted bad jokes, all we had to do was unban Zacalex.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

GASP!!!!

 

I was just NO POBO!!ed!!!!!!

 

(attemps to no-sell the NO POBO!!, but can't counter the power of mean Chinese women who run dry cleaners... and is thus destroyed by the power of NO POBO!!)

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Once upon a time, there were 9 swiss brothers. They lived in Switzerland, and as a result, were all swiss. One day, three of the swiss brothers get up, and decide to go have a few swiss beers at the bar three blocks away. They go outside, tie their shoes, and hop in their swiss car to the bar three blocks away. They go inside, get piss-steamin' drunk, and try to drive home. Well, they were swiss drunk, so they went the wrong way, and got lost. After driving for a few hours, they happened upon this swiss cliff up in the alps, and drove off of it. They crashed down on the swiss rocks, but miraculously lived! They got out from the wreckage of the swiss car, amazed to be alive, tied their shoes, and climbed back up the swiss cliff. They wandered down the road until they saw a little swiss cottage with a light on. They walked up, knocked on the door, tied their shoes, and waited for an answer. A little swiss woman opened the door, and invited them inside to stay since the swiss weather was beginning to turn. Her only request was that they not disturb her daughter, as she is very beautiful. She shows them to a room, and they rest for the remainder of the day and that night, lucky to be alive.

 

Meanwhile, three more of their swiss brothers begin to get worried about their siblings, and decide to go out looking for them. They left a note for the last three brothers, tied their shoes, hopped on their swiss mopeds, and went to the bar three blocks away to begin their search. They asked the swiss bartender if he'd seen their brothers, and of course he answered that he had, only he said it in swiss. The bartender also told them the direction the first three brothers went, so the swiss brothers finished their beers, and set out on their mopeds to search. They happened upon the cliff, and saw the tangled wreckage of the swiss car at the base of it. In shock over their brothers' apparent swiss demise, they flung their mopeds over the cliff, and wandered down the little winding road, completely despondent. They saw a light at a little swiss cottage at the end of the road, tied their shoes, walked up, and knocked on the door. An old swiss maid answered the door, invited them inside, and let them stay in the attic, as the weather was beginning to turn. Her only request was that they stay away from her granddaughter, as she is very beautiful.

 

Later that day, the final three swiss brothers got up, saw the swiss note from their brothers, and got worried about their whereabouts. They decided to go out and search, and tied their shoes, hopped on their swiss skateboards, and went to the bar three blocks down the street. They asked the barkeep, who promptly served them each a drink and told them he'd seen the other six brothers earlier, but hadn't since. They finished their swiss drinks, and set out to search. They happened upon the swiss cliff, and saw the remainder of the swiss mopeds and the swiss car at the bottom. Almost reduced to tears, they cast their swiss skateboards over the side of the cliff, and wandered down the road, completely depressed. They saw a light on at a little swiss cottage, and went up to inquire about some lodging, as it was beginning to snow. A swiss man invited them inside to stay the night, but only if they promised to stay away from his daughter, as she is very beautiful.

 

The next morning, the nine swiss brothers awoke to find each other alive and well. Overjoyed, the old swiss maid offered to pour them all a bowl of cereal. She asked them in swiss, "Would you like Corn Flakes or Frosted Flakes?" In unison, they all answered "Frosted Flakes, Please!" only they said it in swiss. Just then, the swiss daughter awoke, and she was indeed a delicately beautiful swiss miss. The nine brothers just sat there in complete awe of her radiance. The old swiss maid asked her what she wanted for breakfast, and she promptly replied, "Corn Flakes." Which goes to show that nine out of ten people prefer Frosted Flakes to Corn Flakes.

 

PS. This joke was not meant to be racist towards the proud nation of switzerland, or its citizens.

[Guest notJames]

What do you call a one-legged waitress?

 

Eileen

 

What do you call a Japanese one-legged waitress?

 

Irene

 

And where do they work?

 

IHOP

 

[Guest Hogan Made Wrestling]

I think there is a fine line between a bad joke that makes fun of a (possibly ethnic) stereotype, and jokes like holocaust-related stuff, and generally things involving death or tragic events. With that in mind, one of my favorite bad jokes:

 

How was break dancing invented?

 

A black guy trying to steal hubcaps off a moving car.

[Guest DrainYou42]

What do you call one white guy standing with 5 black guys?

 

Coach.

 

What do you call one white guy standing with 100 black guys?

 

Warden.

[Guest Midnight Express83]

Can we can the racial jokes. Because just because someone is black doesn't mean they all steal and and are in jail.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Yeah, that's why they're funny, because they're obviously not serious.

 

Okay, someone make an Irish(1/4), Italian(1/4), and Chinese(I'm 1/8, it counts) joke. Also throw a few glasses ones in as well as some slurs about ravers. I love being made fun of.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest crandamaniac]

***This joke is for Kotz then***

 

This is a story of an Italian guy when he visits Toronto. You have to speak in an Italian accent to make this jokes more effective!

 

One daya I go to Toronto and stay in bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast, I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know lady, ana she calla me sonna ma bitch!

 

Then, I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! fa cough ! I say, 'fa cough' ---- I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH! - Later I go to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wana fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma bitch - I not even know lady, ana she call me sonna ma bitch. So, I go back to my hotel roon, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tell me to go to toilet. So, I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma bitch---

 

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk he say peace to you. I say, 'Peace on you too, you sonna ma bitch!'

 

I go back to Italy!!!!!!!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Oh, that had me rolling all the way through!

 

"two piss on my plate".... GOLD!!!!

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Midnight Express83]

Its just because I heard so many jokes about black people stealing and in jail that I have had it up to hear. Seeing as I am black, I think they are beyond tasteless.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Ehh, I've already accepted that black people are really vastly superior to white dudes, so I don't see how anyone could dislike them. Kinda like making fun of the best at anything when you know they really aren't like that(see: Pope jokes).

 

But I can understand being tired of them.

 

Now, SOMEONE HOOK ME UP WITH AN IRISH DRUNK JOKE!!

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest Cancer Marney]

Here's a Chinese joke for that 1/8th in you, Spoony Bard.

 

A guy goes into a Chinese restaurant. The dining room is full, so the maître d' asks him to have a seat at the bar for a couple of minutes. So the guy goes to the bar. He sits down, and the bartender says,

"Whassa you rike?"

"Give me a Stoli with a twist," says the guy.

The bartender thinks hard for a moment, then smiles, and nods. Holding up four fingers, he says,

"Once upon time, fole reetre peegs leeve in house..."

[Guest Cancer Marney]

Irish drunk joke:

 

A guy walks into a bar, completely wasted. He sits down and loudly calls for a pint of Guinness.

The bartender says,

"Look mate, ye're langered. I can't serve ye and besides, we had last call half an hour ago. I'll call ye a taxi."

The drunk swears at him, says he don't need no damn taxi, and walks out.

Fifteen minutes later, the same drunk staggers in again, drinking some hooch in a paper bag. He leans on a barstool and aggressively demands a Guinness.

The bartender says,

"Look here! I already said I won't give ye no bloody Guinness. Hump off!"

"Bastard," slurs the drunk, meandering out again.

Five minutes later, he's at the bar a third time, yelling for a Guinness. The bartender, exasperated, shouts,

"Ye get the hell out of my bar, eejit! Ye come back here an' I'm callin' the coppers!"

"Blimey," the drunk blinks, aggrieved. "How many feckin' bars d'ye work at?"

[Guest Pop Culture God]

You know... usually I'd call someone a fascist/Nazi for trying to say what is and isn't funny/acceptable, but he's talking about the Holocaust so that would either be wrong or far too ironic for me to insult him by saying that.

[Guest hardyz1]

Not offending any races/nationalities, but just plain sick:

 

What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

 

You can't gargle sand.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Three guys get shipwrecked and land on an island with a bunch of savages living there.

 

The chief says "You are our prisoners now! You have two choices: you can be killed, or mooshi." The first guy says "I'll take mooshi, whatever that is." The chief says "he wants mooshi!" and thirty islanders jump out of the jungle and rape the poor man until he's bleeding. The second guy goes "Oh I value my life, I might as well get it over with, I'll take the mooshi." Chief says "You heard him! Mooshi!" So the islanders jump out again and the second guy gets fucked up the ass thirty times. The third guy says "No, this is sick, I'm not letting that happen to me. You guys can just go ahead and kill me. I choose death." So the chief says, "Okay! Death by mooshi!"

[Guest Special K]

I personally think it's a bummer that all the Pollack jokes have become blonde jokes as I am Polish.

[Guest DrTom]

Who's making jokes about Kevin Pollack? Damn them!

[Guest Marshall]

Here's the worst joke I ever heard:

 

What did the drink tester say to the drink that had been watered down?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are the weakest drink, goodbye.

 

Told you it was bad!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

That joke was like eating lead.

[Guest notJames]

Yeah, that's why they're funny, because they're obviously not serious.

 

Okay, someone make a... Chinese(I'm 1/8, it counts) joke...

Since you asked...

 

(Make sure to add in the accent where applicable)

 

An Asian couple are having some good ol' missionary sex. All of a sudden the woman yells out, "Ooooh, now I want a sixty-nine..."

 

The man pauses and says, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?!?!?"

 

[Guest Pop Culture God]

I can't stand all this sex on the telly...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean... I keep fallin' off!

 

 

That joke was America's entry into the Hermann Georing Memorial Joke Telling Competition.

 

It placed third.

[Guest Hogan Made Wrestling]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

 

quarter-pounder with cheese.

[Guest MD2020]

How do you know when a female bartender doesn't like you?

 

 

 

 

There's a string in your Bloody Mary.

[Zorin Industries 0]

Saddam Hussein wants to make peace with with America, so he comes to the U.S for a meeting with George W. Bush.

 

After the meeting they are siting in an office when the Star Trek comes on the T.V.

 

"I love this show George, but I have a question" says Saddam.

 

"In the Federation you have Americans, English, Chinese, many nationalities, but no Iraqis, why is this?"

 

"Thats easy," replies President Bush "because its set in the future"

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Why do women love jesus?

 

(Outstretches arms) Because he was hung like this.

[Guest cdstunner66]

How do you know Jesus wan't born in Ireland?

 

They couldn't find a wise man or a virgin.

 

 

On a flight across the Atlantic, the pilot come on the PA and says to the passengers, "We have a problem. It seems the plane is overloaded and we need to lighten ourselves. We've already ejected all the luggage, and you'll all be compensated. But it's not enough. We've done some figuring and we need three people to make the ultimate sacrifice. We don't have any parachutes, but whoever goes, your families will be taken care of for life and you'll save all your fellow passengers. Please make the decision quickly." The pilot shuts off the intercom and after a minute, an English gentleman stands up, yells, "God Save the Queen!" runst to the door and jumps. Well, this shocks the other passengers but after a minute a Frenchman stands up, yells "Vive La France!" runs and jumps out the door. A minute goes buy and a big, burly Texan stands up, yells, "Remember The Alamo!" and throws the Mexican sitting next to him out the window.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

This work better visually, but here goes...

 

How does every racist joke start?

 

::looks over left shoulder:: ::looks over right shoulder::