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Guest TSMAdmin

WWE Smackdown! 5/30/02

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Guest TSMAdmin



Ok, let’s get the introductions, pleasantries, salutations, and tithing out of the way. I’m Dr. Tom, and in addition to my pop culture writings for the Smart Marks, I’ll be doing the Smackdown! report every week. I’d like to say I have a long and extensive history of providing only the best wrestling reports, but I don’t; I have about an eight-month history of providing only the best wrestling reports. Until earlier this year, I did them for my own site (www.cynicsrule.com) until sucky TV shows and staggering apathy toward the product caused me to stop. I might be a little rusty at this, but worry not, my magnificence will shine thru soon enough.


Anyway, I’m going to go the Scott Keith route and say I’m not a recapper. I’m a reviewer, or if you prefer, a reporter. Recaps, to me, involve a lot of play-by-play and give you the feeling you saw the show even if you missed it. That’s CRZ’s turf and I’m not going to step on it. I sum up what happened and give my opinion on it, and rate the matches. And before anyone asks, I don’t get into replays, nor do I devote any time to the Burn/Smack/Shameless Corporate Plug of the Night.


Props to my dawg OR Polk Jr for filling in some of the details for me. It's been a while since I watched any wrestling show regularly, but he was able to tell me what I needed to know to fill in the (admittedly few) gaps I had.


Any feedback can be directed to [email protected]. Send me the good and the bad, and please try not to write like a simian.


Now that we understand each other better . . .


On tape from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, North America, World, this is WWE Smackdown! for 5/30/02. Your flannel-wearing hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).


We start with a flashback to Hollywood Hulk Hogan’s non-retirement last week.


Tag Team Title Match: The Real Mr Ass and Rico vs The Unambiguously Gay Duo. Rico just kind of lingers as Rikishi cleans house on the heels. He stops an early Stinkface on Chuck before it can happen. Rikishi gets pancaked, and the Gay Duo do some double-teaming. I really didn’t mean that the way it probably looks, but I don’t care enough about this match to say it another way. Rikishi no-sells a DDT, kicks Billy and Chuck around, then brings Rico in. He squashes Chuck, then nails Rico with a superkick. Rico falls on Chuck for the win at 2:18. This isn’t exactly what I was hoping for in the opening match of my first SD! report. 1/10.


Meanwhile, Hogan arrives, and Cole births kittens over it.


After the break, Torrie gives Maven a good-luck kiss (while Tajiri secretly watches) in a very awkward segment. Lighten up, Maven, she's a hottie. I think I'd keep flubbing my lines just so she'd have to kiss me a bunch more times.


Chris-TIAN vs Maven. Christian stomps on Maven right away and pounds him down. Maven dumps Christian and hits a plancha. Christian comes back with the slop drop backbreaker and a blatant chokehold. He puts Maven up top but gets punched down. Maven comes down with a 2nd rope bulldog for 2. He goes up again, but Tajiri boots him in the head, allowing Christian to finish with the Unprettier at 2:09. Pretty energetic, and adequate for what it was. 3/10.



Meanwhile, Vince McMahon explains Chris Benoit’s appearance on Raw via some stipulation that he can appear on both shows as long as he’s inactive. It looks certain he’ll end up on Raw, but they could put a good Canadian Horsemen stable together here on SD. Benoit, Jericho, Storm, and Test; all you have to do is teach Test a good submission hold, and send them out there as a bunch of ass-kickers who just want to hurt people. Anyway, Dawn Marie plays token sex object this week, allowing Vince to get his Old Lecher act on. Smackdown Is Jericho interrupts to bitch about a match with Faarooq, but Vince is unsympathetic.


Smackdown Is Jericho vs Faarooq. Faarooq pounds Jericho and clotheslines him out. Jericho gets introduced to the ring steps and a chair before he sends Faarooq into the wall. Jericho ends up facefirst into the wall, then a table. Back in, Faarooq beats on him some more. He goes up and comes down with the Please Counter Me, so Jericho obliges with a dropkick. Jericho drops the elbows and chokes Faarooq on the rope. He takes off a buckle pad and turns around into a Faarooq clothesline for 2. Jericho slips out of the Dominator and hits the bulldog. The Lionsault misses, allowing Faarooq to get 2 off a spinebuster. Jericho puts Faarooq’s head into the buckle and drop sleepers him for the pin at 3:58. The Jericho Bitch Parade continues. This was more watchable than the Mark Henry match, but that's damning with faint praise. 1/10.


After the break, Reverend D’Von hears Lance Storm’s confession in a shower. I could make all kinds of Catholic priest jokes here. Storm’s sin is being Western Canadian, for which he should have to say about a gazillion Hail Marys. D’Von offers him absolution, but Storm’s contribution to the Building Fund is quite meager. Funny skit.


Meanwhile, Marc Lloyd tried to interview Hogan, but it turns into a Hulkorian chanting session. Hogan is upset about not being able to bow out gracefully, brother. Hogan wants to do one more thing before he retires, and that’s kick Vince’s ass in the ring. Hark, I can hear the PPV orders already. Vince decides he hasn’t had enough camera time tonight, so he gets in Hogan’s face while Kurt Angle ambushes him.


Just wondering . . . with Lloyd and Cole, which one's the bitch?


Undisputed Title Match: The Undertaker vs Randy Orton. No, it’s not patently obvious who’s going to win. No sir. Not at all. Two words, writing team: “credible threat.” UT gets on the mic before the match and says he’s giving Orton the title shot because the WWE is the land of opportunity, and Calgary is the city of champions. I think I’d rather see someone drink his tobacco spit than listen to this pap. They start with a handshake. UT tosses Orton around, but Orton comes back with the Tough Enough offense: hiptoss and armdrag. He clotheslines UT out and nails a plancha. Back in, Orton gets 2 off a reverse victory roll. UT clotheslines him down and removes a turnbuckle pad. Orton hits a pair of nice dropkicks, but walks into a DDT off the ropes. Orton whips UT into the exposed turnbuckle and does the Overdrive for 2. UT hits Snake Eyes, then a big boot for 2. The chokeslam off the ropes ends it at 5:21. Not a bad match, considering it was a ridiculous premise to begin with. I was surprised Orton got as much offense as he did, and that's definitely a good thing. 5/10.


After the bell, UT tries to Dreamerize Orton’s neck outside, but HHHGH breaks that up and whips some Dead Man ass.



Tag Match: The Hurricane and Billy Kidman vs Tajiri and Chavo Guerrero. Tajiri and Helms start with some good back-and-forth, until Hurricane locks in some kind of standing washboard move on Tajiri. Even Taz doesn’t know what to call it. Helms suplexes Tajiri, allowing Kidman to vault in with a legdrop for 2. Chavo comes in but gets beat on, and Kidman hits a sitout powerbomb for 2. Tajiri cheats and slaps on the Tarantula. Kidman counters a powerbomb with an X-Factor, giving Hurricane the tepid tag. He cleans house, and nails Tajiri with a tope con hilo outside. The heels beat on him until Kidman stands on the top rope and comes down with a *sweet* Shooting Star Press. Hurricane looks to finish it in the ring, but his music plays, and a riddle promising his stalker will be revealed next week flashes on the screen. Remember: heroes are idiots, so while Helms stands there staring at the screen, Tajiri kicks him square in the head for the win at 4:10. This was a decent match until that stupid Riddle-me-this-Batman ending. It was a spotfest like most cruiser matches end up being, but they’re usually fun. 6/10.


HHHGH vs Test. HHH pounds on Test and tosses him outside. Test gets the complete tour of ringside, with H nicely shoving his face into all of them so he can see them close up. What a guy. Lance Storm is on the ramp, distracting H enough that Test can legdrop him as he gets back into the ring. They exchange corner poundings , with H doing the Flair Flop. Test side slams H and tosses him out, where Storm drops him with a superkick. It gets 2 back in the ring. H rallies with the running knee and a spinebuster. He goes for the Pedigree, but Storm hangs him on the top rope. H wails on Storm, then gets distracted by The Undertaker on his 2nd Pedigree attempt. Test nails him with the Yakuza Kick to finish at 5:49. Pretty decent match, but still not up to HHH’s standards before he got hurt and hit the needle harder than ever. 4/10.


In the Extracurricular Activities Department, UT beats the hell out of HHH for a while. He gets a chair and clubs H repeatedly with it. Even the Cavalcade Of Referees can’t stop UT’s rampage. Maybe this “injury” will give HHH a chance to rest his ailing knee.


After the break, The Big Valbowski wants to see Edge rip Angle’s wig off.


Now we get Angle’s side of the story. He claims a miraculous 24-hour hair growth after the PPV match with Edge. Leave it to our Olympic Hero to find the cure for baldness. Next week, Angle makes a lame man walk and cures malaria!


Main Event, Cage Match: Kurt Angle vs Edge. Edge gets all the offense early, but he misses a spear and crashes into the cage. Angle pounds him down and suplexes him for 2. Edge hits an overhead belly-to-belly and a top-rope clothesline for 2. Angle comes back with the trio of Germans for 2. Edge gets tossed into the cage three times and blades. He catapults Angle into the cage and victory rolls him for 2. A bulldog gets 2, but Edge bumps the ref. Angle hits a German and climbs, with Edge in pursuit. Edge does a very sloppy back superplex. It looked like Angle landed entirely on his left arm. Ouch. Edge climbs, but Angle low blows him and nails a top rope Olympic Slam. That’s a cool spot. Angle climbs out, but the ref is still dead. Hulk Hogan runs down the ramp and ambushes Angle, putting him back into the cage. We now interrupt this program for a message from our sponsors. Back from the break, Angle gets 2 from an Olympic Slam. During the break, Edge hit a spear for 2. Angle misses the spear, so Edge does an Olympic Slam and gets a long 2. Two great near-finishes there. Anglelock, but Edge rolls thru it. He puts on his own, but Angle counters and leaves Edge hung up in the ropes. Angle climbs, but Edge finally frees himself and chases. He catches Angle after he’s almost over the top, so he rams Angle’s head into the top of the cage. Angle slides down, only to get crotched on the open cage door. Edge pulls Angle back up and tosses him down. He nails a top-rope spear for the win at 14:42 TV time. This makes two good main events this week, and while it wasn’t as good as Raw’s ladder match, it was still an excellent TV match. 8/10.


Doing The Math: Not all the matches were good, but the focus tonight was definitely in the ring. Seven matches, and zero stupid skits makes me a happy reviewer. It was an above average show this week, and got even better after the first match was blessedly in the books. Overall (not an average): 6.5/10.


Dr. Tom

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